My Journey…from ignorance to enlightenment

The stars are still twinkling over my head, the moon is spreading the coolness in my eyes
in the same way it had been doing from several decades or rather from the millions of
years and will remain so for I don’t know what time and how about the earth, it too
behaves in the same manner like it was behaving before, before the transition took place
and my whole position turned around for a very drastic reason. That reason which had
made number of other human to change their perspectives and ideologies, and when they
did so they found the ultimate peace… yes, peace is what the human have longed for so
many centuries. Peace to body, peace to soul and peace to the relationship of brotherhood
and cousin humans and peace to the biggest relation… that’s humanity. I was sitting in
my balcony looking at the darkness of night without blinking the eyelashes, I don’t know
the hallucination which was causing me get into the darkness… still darkness and it was
all dark…
The next day when I opened my eyes still drizzling sleepiness out and feeling slightly
freaky and humble I recalled the thought that were recurring in my mind last night, the
night which comes with a darkness but leaves in the brighter ocean of scarlet embers
surrounding your body from all sides giving that pleasurable warmth that you forget the
chillness of last night but ‘in that are the signs for those who ponder and change
themselves accordingly’. That’s what happened several days or weeks or months ago.
The statement was still ringing with full pitch in my mind, I don’t know from where I got
these letters in my ears but I recall that this line changed my life so much so that today
whatever I think it’s a manifestation of this statement. This all was started from this line
and lead through the forest of mysteries, traveling from denser shadows to the domains of
complete darkness and then came the days which left me blindfolded with immense light
that even when the eyes closed I feel the brightness filtering into the eyelids. I can not
describe the situation I am in now, everything is changed, even myself and all the things
are the same around me…people, nature but when your heart changes there is no need of
change in the surrounding it looks familiar…very much as before. The same night
described before was the day when I started pondering on the lines and who knew that it
will going to open for me a vast domain of self consciousness. I tried to remember my
life from the deepness of that ignorance when I was not aware of the reason of my
existence and persistence. I started looking for the answers of some questions which were
ringing in my ears every time I see something that invokes my inner intellectual and says
you need to get the answer of this but the life was busy, it was moving with very high
speed and there was no time to spend some moments on ourselves…I moved on with the
time.
My life was a bit scattered once, when I started collecting the smithereens of events of
this life it was too cumbersome but still the truth has to come no matter there is any
witness to this or not I believe there needs to be only one witness and nothing can hide
from it. It was time after I completed tenth year of my academic life, means when I saw
fifteenth winter of my life I was free from studies and had time to spent with ‘self’. First
of all when I saw some of my family members going for daily prayer, I thought to do
something different so I started going for Salaah everyday, but after around a month I
thought what is the use of this and then I gave up. After that I just visited the mosque on
Fridays for the prayers, my family said what had happened to me that I stopped
worshipping the creator; I hadn’t had any answer I kept quite. This continued for
following three to four years. I never tried to learn more about my religion that what it
talks about and why should we follow it and why actually people go mosque five times a
day. Besides being heretic I kept the fast of Ramadan religiously, I don’t know why but
somewhere in my heart the religious feeling was alive that after all I am born in Muslim
family so I have to respect this religion though I don’t follow it. From the childhood it
was my point of view that if you can not respect somebody don’t denigrate it, no matter
the opposition is your enemy or your friend because if he is born on this earth he has right
to do whatever he wills…good…or bad. The life was moving I was the same for
following years…heretic about Islam and then I found that I’m inclined towards
Hinduism, I liked to fold my hands in front of Idols…today when I recall that moment I
feel how embarrassing that was…why…I will come to that. But in the similar manner I
liked the Christianity, whenever I found the Holy Cross with the Christ (pbuh) executed, I
used to cross my body like fellow Christians do. This was continued for another few
years until I reached my Degree College like after four years. I came across the line, “and
we have created signs in this universe for those who ponder and pay heed” somewhere in
the Holy Book Quran. At the first glance I didn’t bothered it at all, but one night I really
thought over it…that’s why I call nights as the self evaluation periods of my life, all the
important results were the results of night that I spent with me, with my own…I started
with what these signs were and what to ponder on it. It was first hazy but steadily the
picture became clear but it took time…which is the important thing in bringing about a
change, change may be of any type but it feeds on the time…I thought over it over and
over again and then there was a spark in my mind…small but active… what will I get
when I fold my hands in front of idols, I mean what type of satisfaction I get from that, I
concluded null…nothing. Then I thought about the Christ (pbuh) mercilessly executed on
the Holy Cross. I thought if a god can be executed like this then what we are in front of
him… it was just not possible that the creator of this universe will be hanged by some
men so easily. If god dies then the very definition of god gets crumbled down into rubble.
According to me god is that entity which was never been created and will never die, but
seeing the Christ this way just put me to scratch my head and I left thinking…how can
this be possible? Pondering sessions were a bit tough it took time but I gave it and
exploring all the data about god present around me I came to conclusion that if a stone
can be a god and if god can be put to death then what is the use of this.., and this idea let
me take a giant step that changed whole of my perspective…I concluded that there is no
god. I left wondering how can this be possible that a creature creates the whole of
universe which is don’t know how many times bigger than the gods that I have seen.
Besides all these one new world was awaiting me or I was entering into a new world…
world of physics…where everything was based on probability theory, from the smallest
particle to the huge planets were described by equations. Equations were seemed to
govern the whole aspect of universe. Though I didn’t understand the equations but when I
read the books which are like written by physicists to make the things clear in non-fiction
way, no equations just explanation and I really started enjoying reading such books…the
books which don’t have words like god, spirituality and divinity. For me all these were
like tested and rejected stuffs…I kept myself away from these unseen. Meanwhile I
stumbled upon a book by Stephen Hawking ‘Brief history of time’ I liked it so much that
I read it twice. After analyzing the book I found the theory of everything part very much
interesting where Stephen claims that if he succeeds in deriving a theory of everything
then that will be the great triumph of human reasoning power and then we will know the
mind of god. The last four words impressed me so much that I started feeling that this
time we will be able to defeat these all craps. At that time I had a friend named Raj, he
too was like un-inclined towards ‘god’ly stuffs I told him this idea of knowing the mind
of god and he replied to me in a sentence and that impinged on my brain with a force that
that moment is still fresh and he said, “we will know whatever we want to know but we
will always know more than god because there is no god”. He moved on saying this
much but again he left me concluded with ‘no god’ theory and then I searched for such
people who were having such theory in their mind, and I was shocked with the number of
the people that believe that there is no god. I continued with such theory until I got an
opportunity to meet a girl in my college, she was like an angel for me. She was Muslim
and was proud Muslim, I wonder what does that mean, we continued to talk each other on
Physics but once she casually asked me that do I go for prayers five times a day? I was
like at lack of answer I told her forget about five times I seldom go once a week for
Friday and I added to that “what is the use of that I go gym each day”. She was…like
dumbstruck at my answer but then after thinking for several moments she asked me why
you say so. I explained her the ‘Godless universe theory”. After I concluded, she said to
me again, “Faizal, as you have searched the truth for these many times so answer me who
created us?” I was ready with the answer, “our creation is sort of probability like the
Darwin says and then unicellular body came and evolved into human that’s it!!” She was
impressed; she gave me a faint smile and, narrated to me a story…
A traveler after traveling for most of the continents in the world comes to a village and to
his astonishment he finds there a big and beautiful palace he had never ever saw in any of
the part of the world, he curiously asks one of the villager how was this made and who
made it? Villager asked him, “Well if I tell you, you won’t gonna believe this but if you
listen its fascinating.” Traveler was amazed and also curious to know what it is; he told
him to carry on and the villager started, “it is said that once this village had large amount
of sand and trees but on a fateful day a giant storm erupted, it disturbed everything but
what we saw was terrific the sand were magically get mixed with the rain water and
under the influence of the wind they joined in such a way to give it a shape of palace,
then the wind chiseled the forest trees and made it like windows and doors and after that
a bolt stroke the sand and made it molten glass which then formed the window panes”.
After the story he gave a sigh of relief and counter asked the traveler, “So, this is how it
happened and this is real, and ask anyone in the village you will get the same answer.”
Traveler felt he is about to faint, this just can not happen but he laughed it off and moved
on.
I glibly said this is ridiculous…I mean how can a storm make a palace just because of a
fishy term probability? No way… she continued, “this is same as the evolution theory
and the mixing up of numerous life important molecules to build amino acids and DNA.
Think over it. You will get the truth.” The whole incident was taking toll over my mind, I
felt really irritated…its like a scientist who discovers a theory with all his efforts but as it
comes out in public, theory proved to be blasphemous…same was happening with me.
Discussion ended but its impact was still there, my nights became sleepless, brain was
boiling with the questions… who created us…why he or she created it…why we are
living and above all who created the whole universe…? The streams of question
squabbling within my mind I was disturbed. I again approached that girl and asked what
the answer is, I gave up, and no more searches…she told one statement… “we along with
whatever we can see and imagine is the creation of God, God who is one, nobody is like
him and he never born and will never die, he can do whatever he wills.”
I again felt disturbed, “wait…wait… this is just enough, I mean how can you prove that
God is existing entity and that in the form of Stone Idols or a god executed on the cross”
but she was prepared for this, “You haven’t searched much Faizal, go home, pick Quran
and read… ‘Verily in this (sign) there is reminder for him who has a heart or gives ear
while he is heedful (50:37)’. I told her, “What signs are you talking about?” She said, “ok
you believe in Physics, tell me that the constant that we know, why are they so? Why
value of electron mass, charge and other constants look like the way they look? Can you
tell me the answer?” Again I was beaten, momentarily my mind became a server which
searches for the possible hits but then hangs down… I said, “Sorry…go on” she told, “it’s
because these all is been regulated by one God.” After this she told me of number of
references regarding the relations between science and Islam and I felt it was the way. I
spent number of days reading those things and number of nights to understand, life was
sleepless but the endeavor gave positive result. I came to a conclusion that whatever we
have determined till now by number of scientist through number of centuries was already
written in a book came around fourteen hundred years ago. The proofs that support the
book not been written by a man called Muhammad (saw), his illiteracy, the
underdevelopment of Mecca city, shepherd job, no proper education there…these all
pointed that the book Holy Qur’an was not written by him…so question is who wrote it?
Here my thinking mind came handy and I concluded that at that there were no technology
to find out that universe originated from big bang theory and the theory of embryo… no
one could have done these all at that time. Steadily my inclination turned towards Islam
and today the ember that I was searching for is no more… it has turned into fully dawned
sun emanating out the illumination to its full… the brightness was really good for a
while. I found myself back to that point where I had left myself at… I gone to Mosque
the same day I confessed my guilty…Repentance…and it is said that Allah loves the
repentance of those slaves who transgresses and come back to His domain…domain of
Islam. Today I try to follow each and every thing commanded to me…I think and I want
to become the most lovable servant of my Master, My Creator, and My Cherisher. Now
my nights are blissful but Inshallah one day I would stand on my legs, at the same time
when I used to agitate this small brain to find out the creator, and cry for His mercy,
bringing the drops that were held within me for so long. I would love to sacrifice my
whole life…which is nothing but one of the blessings that He has given me.
Today when I look at what I have done, it really makes me cry because I had sort of
betrayed my Master. Wandering into the wonderland for no reason, the enlightenment
that I was born with, I left it in middle and wandered the darkness with one aim to find
the light of truth, is again with me… now which I have full faith on, now I hope that if
God wills I will carry on this light with me and pass it on to others too. Because…I also
want to be the torchbearer spreading out the light of truth and killing the darkness of
Ignorance…May Allah help me in my ambition and show them the path of righteousness,
who are searching for the enlightenment or who have gone astray.
-Khan Shahabufaisal