We had hours

and hours of a gray a?ernoon to kill in Dayton, Ohio, so upand down the streets
we drove, aimlessly searching for something to make the timego by. ?e music stor
e we soon stumbled upon had Sean Hannity audio books on prominent display and wa
s littered with troughs packed full of obscure moviesfrom the 80 s that you could
tell would eventually die a slow death in some rotting garbage dump.Disappointed
, we le? and headed up the road a bit, passing non-descriptstorefronts and shops
until ?nally spotting a bookstore on the corner. Perfect: it salways easy to kill
time in a bookstore. We walked in, out of the rain.It was quickly apparent that
this was a strange store we had stumbled upon.Stu?ed animals hung low from the
ceiling and the ?rst few shelves were all fullof children s novels, so I initially
assumed it was a family-friendly establishmentor something along those lines, stu
?ed with inane fare running the gamut fromGoosebumps to Chicken Soup for the Corp
orate Lawyer s Soul. But then, rightnext to all the kid books began an extensive po
rn section, including scores of weird, worn dirty paperbacks that appeared to h
ark from the 60s or 70s. ?ere was no signi?cant division between the sections, s
o You re a Good Man, CharlieBrown rubbed covers with Slutty Leather-Clad Hooker Bitch
es. Weird, Ithought, ducking my head to avoid a dangling teddy bear.A nutty book
store was a good sign. My main goal was to ?nd bizarre booksto ridicule in You I
diot, and I hit pay dirt a few aisles over in the New Age section, when my eyes spi
ed a battered, frayed copy of a book that looked to ?t thebill nicely. ?e Magick o
f Chant-o-Matics I said aloud as I pulled it out, immediatelyrecognizing that thi
s could be good stu? weird, obsolete pseudo-science (if youcould even call it
that
) peddled to the desperate many years ago, now a neglectedartifact tucked away i
n a weird bookstore. ?e book promised to enable you toobtain power, money, health
and protection at any time, any place and with aminimum of e?ort. Hey, sign me u
p!Next to it were two other similarly-themed tomes entitled ?e Miracle of PsychoCommand Power and ?e Magic of New Ishtar Power. I picked up allthree, assuming it w
ould be six dollars well spent.Once I got to the club we were playing at that ni
ght, I ?ipped throughthe trio and began cracking up uncontrollably at the conten
ts. ?e common

From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff

theme between them was GET ANYTHING YOU WANT BY DOINGABSOLUTELY NOTHING! , which is
silly enough in itself, but the speci?cmethods they preached to obtain this omn
ipotence were insane. Let s take a look.
The Magick of Chant-o-Matics
?e key to obtaining your wildest desires is, according to this e?ort by Raymond
Buckland, chanting. If youneed a quick $30,000, or want to trick someone intohav
ing sex with you, you have to know the correct seriesof words to say out loud. ?
en, you well, actually,that s it. Just say the words.It s a pretty bold claim, and Buc
kland de?nitely runs with it. According to him, nothing, absolutely nothing, isi
mpossible when you chant. He explains, for example, thatalthough the odds for wi
nning the lottery are pitiful, they can be ignored when you practice chant-o-matics
. Goofy stu?, right? But what makes the book evenmore ridiculous is the fact that
Buckland is an utterlyincompetent writer, penning prose that sounds like it ?owe
d from the pen of ahalf-asleep, high on fumes seven year old with a very shaky g
rasp of the language.You would expect his chants to at least sound a little, you
know, spell-like thesort of things you could picture an ancient wizard mumbling, or
at least imaginea modern occultist reciting in front of a candle through wisps
of incense smoke.Basically, stu? that at least
sounds like a fucking chant
.But no. Take a look at one of Buckland s money chants the magical versesthat suppos
edly guarantee you lottery victories:Need, need, needMoney, money, money!Me, me,
meMoney, money, money!Now, now, nowMoney, money, money!Wow. ?at s not the only on
e, either he spends about six chapters giddilyexplaining all of his various wealth
-through-chanting techniques. For example,the Magick of Chant-o-matics can not o

nly win you the Powerball, it can also lead you to buried treasure (Which begs t
he question why is that even necessary? Why not just chant a lottery win and spar
e yourself the hassle of digging?) In thechapter A Chant Not a Chart, Will Lead Y
ou to Treasure! , Buckland launchesinto an odd tirade unironically denouncing meta
l detectors as the work of scamartists. Chanting, of course, is the logical way
to ?nd the loot: Let all the others
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
wave their metal detectors laboriously over the ground. Let them pace up anddow
n, their eyes glued to their meters or their ears encased in their headphones.Le
t them search,
you
are the one who will ?nd! Yep let the gullible bastardstrudge up and down the beach
with their lunky detectors, confused looks on theirfaces, while you lie back on
your beach blanket and chant:Bring me to treasure!Bring me to treasure!Bring me
to treasure!Steady, steady, steady, steadyLet my future be soon readySteady, st
eady, steady, steadyLet my future life be steadyBring me to the lusive treasureYi
nkata, YankataYeh! Yeh! Yeh! Yeh!YAAARH_______!
(long and drawn out)
?e land-you-in-the-loony-bin chants can do more than pass out free dough,too. Wa
nt a new job? Chuck your resume in the trash and chant aloud: Fromcrysalis to but
ter?y/?e change is very certain/ My change of a job, though not sohigh/ Will be
the opening curtain. Want to Gain Admiration and Respect? Justsay, Megelemer, Mege
lemer, Megelemer, Megelemer and people will suddenlyrespect you! Perhaps you want
to stay in shape? Chants are the answer for that, too.Buckland ridicules those w
ho waste 20 minutes or more a day working out in a gym: ?e chanters, I guarantee,
look in better shape than the weight li?ers! In addition to all that, the book exp
lains how you can also easily Overcome aNervous Habit, Stop Overeating, Mend a B
roken Limb, Fight Psychic Vampires,Purify a House or Building, Protect Yourself
From Legal Proceedings, and more all with Chant-o-matics! ?at s all well and good, you
grumble but where s the damn proof? Don t worry; all of these amazing claims are solid
ly backed-up with stirring testimonialsfrom Chant-o-matics users. Charlie B., fo
r example, accidentally fell out of a plane with no parachute, 8,000 feet high.
As he plummeted towards his certain death,he suddenly recalled a chant he had le
arned from Chant-o-matics, rattled it o?,and landed safely on the ground, su?eri
ng absolutely no injuries except for the factthat he had shrunk by an inch and a
half. Whew!Or take the case of Curtis F. He loved animals, and had eight beauti
ful petrabbits that he cared for deeply. But then one day for no apparent reason,
he tookthem one by one, killed them, and skinned them for their pelts! Tears ra
n downhis face as he did it, but he could not stop himself. He realized instantly
what the problem and solution were. ?e problem was, he was possessed by a demon
, andthe solution why, Chant-o-matics, of course! He chanted and then exclaimed I
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
feel as though I have been thoroughly cleansed. I feel great! So long, demon!Now
that you ve been convinced, you re probably thinking Wow, if Chant-o-matics really ca
n do, um, ANYTHING, then I can accomplish some prettymessed up, diabolical thing
s with it! Yep, you most certainly can. But surelyBuckland would never advocate u
sing Chant-o-matics for evil, right?Fat chance! ?e guy outright encourages it, s
howing how chanting can help you achieve ethically abhorrent things.In the secon
d paragraph of the book, Buckland writes, Perhaps you wish to control others; to
have them do your bidding? (?is) can be yours. Elsewhere, he notes that with Chant
-o-matics, you can in?uence anyone todo virtually anything at any time. Later, he
poses a scenario: suppose the girl you want is in love with another. Don t shrug and
say, win some, lose some chant them apart! Once you do, she will automatically drop
the other guy! Chant aloud as follows:Divide, divide, divide the two; each one, ea
ch one, each one anewSwettle mettle voo ragom, swettle mettle voo ragomNar, nar,
noo, noo; nar, nar, noo nooAnd just like that, the object of your a?ections wil
l turn to her companion andsay, Honey, I know we ve been together for six years, bu

t I am suddenly andinexplicably drawn to that naked guy across the street who s ch
anting nar nar noonoo . He is my new love, and I will do as he commands. So long! To
sum up, it s a nutty thrill ride of a book, written in a style several rungs lower
than utterly half-assed. Reading the book, you can actually imagine the phonecall
Buckland got one day from Parker Publishing: Raymond! ?e chanting bookis
due tomorrow
! What s the hold up?! , and then Buckland mouthing the words Oh
Fuck
, as his eyes widen, running to his typewriter and pounding out bullshitas fast a
s possible.Actually, what am I saying? He wouldn t have panicked; he would havesim
ply smiled, lit a candle, and chanted away:Screwed, screwed, screwedMe, me, meWr
ite, write, writeBook, Book, Book!Neblor el na noo!!And POOF! appeared the compl
eted manuscript for Chant-o-Matics.
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
The Miracle of Psycho -Command Power
Putting the rantings of Buckland aside, I turned myattention to ?e Miracle of Ps
ycho-Command Power.?is one seemed to take things a step further, making the art
of Chant-o-matics look like grueling labor. With Psycho-Command Power, if you wa
nt to rulethe planet you don t have to waste precious secondsburning incense and m
umbling some gibberish you just say the Supreme Command and all you wish for is Presto y
ours! I speak quite literally author ScottReed claims that if you want a new car,
for example, you just say his command and a car will suddenly appearout of thin ai
r. Well, out of bubbles, to be precise. Takea look at this illustration:I was ta
ken aback the ?rst time I came across this picture, wondering if Reed wasbeing l
iteral with his claims. Was he actually saying he could create a 2,000 pound veh
icle out of bubbles simply by saying a few words? It was hard to tell based onth
e crazy, haphazard writing. But I had to know. I ?ipped though the book, trying
to ?nd out exactly what he meant by Psycho-command Power , and how preciselythis po
wer went about creating steel out of bubbles.?e answer was di?cult to pinpoint.
Reed describes the Power in manycolorful ways (a Pocket Insta-Commander, a cosmic b
ank account, an Automatic Genius Maker, a a Psychic Window More Powerful than a Cryst
alBall, and a Speed-O-Matic Desire Bringer - More Powerful ?an a BillionAtom Bombs
! ), SUDDENLY SWITCHING TO ALL CAPITAL LETTERSFOR NO REASON as he writes and then
ending with a barrage of exclamation points!!!, but o?ers nothing that actually
sheds any light onto what the fuckhe s talking about. In his chapter headlines he
promises to help you FINDMAILBOX BULGING WITH MONEY! and show you HOW TO MAKEOTHER
S LOVE SLAVES TO YOUR MAGNETIC LOVE PULL, but theactual text is just random crazines
s.But then I ?nally came across a description for what psycho-command poweris (w
ell, sort of). Reed explains the Power thusly: it s like having an astral army
phanto
m legions of thousands upon thousands of invisible helpers at your beck andcall...
?is army consists of leprechauns, little people , mental brownies, and more.
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DESCRIPTION
An excerpt from the book You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff, this article examines biz
arre "secret to success" books from decades ago that promise you'll be become we
althy by chanting gibberish, or that ...
Show more
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