Five Ways to Improve Your Child's Behavior

Discipline success starts with you! Read our easy steps for modeling appropriate
behavior.

Sure, time-outs can be effective. Yes, it's important to set limits. But most often it's how
you act that truly sets the tone for your child's behavior. Setting a stellar example may be
the farthest thing from your mind when you're juggling a squirming toddler, a bag of
groceries, and a ringing cell phone. Yet, kids observe everything we do -- even if they
seem to be absorbed by the TV -- and that's the key to shaping their behavior. "Children
are like movie cameras," says Karen Sharf, a New York City family therapist. "They see
everything and record it in their minds, whether on a conscious level or not."
These days, in fact, modeling may be more important than ever. Our children's lives are a
whole lot more complicated. Today, kids interact with more and more people outside the
family, from teachers to coaches to other children's parents -- all at increasingly younger
ages.
Improve Behavior, p.2
The result? Kids face a potentially overwhelming amount of stimuli. While you can't control
the behavior of everyone your child encounters, keep in mind that your own approach to
even the most mundane activities, like going to the grocery store or picking up dry
cleaning, can teach your child about patience and kindness. "The effective parent is
always aware of what she's doing in front of her child," says Charles A. Smith, Ph.D.,
professor of child development and parenting at Kansas State University in Manhattan,
KS.
That's not to say you should always feel on the spot. "You don't have to be perfect," says
Dr. Smith. "If you feel the way you acted in a certain situation set a bad example, you can
talk about it with your child afterward." So, for instance, if your little one observes you
making up a white lie ("Oh, we can't make it. We have plans"), admit that you messed up
and talk about what you could have done differently.
Here are five other things experts say you can do every day that will have a big impact on
your child's behavior.
Be a Loving Spouse
"How you treat your partner -- and your own parents -- gives your child important lessons
in respect, cooperation, and being willing to negotiate or change your mind," says Sharon
L. Ramey, Ph.D., professor of child and family studies at Georgetown University in
Washington, DC. Remember to say "please" and "thank you" with loved ones as often as
you do with coworkers.
An all-too-familiar scenario: "One or both parents come home absolutely exhausted," says
Sharf. "If they don't take it out on each other, they tend to isolate themselves." Instead,
establish a ritual if you need to decompress at the end of the day, she suggests. Let

everyone know that you need to be alone for 20 minutes, after which your family can trust
that you'll be available. In addition, when you and your spouse have a disagreement, talk it
through rationally in front of your child (even if you need a few hours to cool off first). That
way, your child can learn how adults compromise, negotiate, and consider other people's
needs.
Improve Behavior, p.3
Be Pleasant in Stores and on the Telephone
"Whether we're at a retail shop or watching TV, all around us we see examples of bad
manners," says Kay West, the Nashville-based author of How to Raise a Lady and How to
Raise a Gentleman. "It's your responsibility to teach your children that politeness is easy
and fast and should be part of every transaction between human beings." A friendly
attitude and basic good manners teach kids about taking turns, being considerate, and
listening. What's more, when your child sees how warmly people respond, he'll soon come
to realize that he can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. The valuable lesson
learned: When you behave nicely, you get what you want and feel better too.
Handle Setbacks With Patience
This is a tough one, as anyone who has been stuck in traffic or experienced airport delays
can attest. But being adaptable is one of the most crucial behavior lessons kids can learn - not to mention that seeing a parent blow his top can be upsetting, says Dr. Ramey. When
that happens, a child may feel afraid and wonder, "Will my dad do this to me when he's
angry?" If you do slip for a moment and lose your temper, Dr. Ramey says, you can
immediately apologize to your child and say, "I didn't mean to act that way. I wish I had
done things differently." You can also stress that your child isn't to blame for your anger.
As a result, your child will learn that it's good to apologize, and she'll take note that you're
working to gain control of your emotions.
Catch Your Child Being Good
A compliment can be music to anyone's ears, especially a child's. ("You were so patient
when we had to wait for a table.") And don't stop there. You can point out when the
protagonist in a book or on TV is being helpful and ask your child how rude characters
should have behaved. You can also give him opportunities to practice good behavior
outside the immediate family, Dr. Ramey says. For example, encourage him to hold the
door open for an elderly person, or rehearse with him how he should greet guests at a
party.
Respect Your Child's Need for Attention
Many kids "lose it" in public after repeated attempts to get a response from an oblivious
parent. That doesn't mean you should always stop what you're doing to tend to your child.
"A child learns to be patient by being asked to wait until you're ready to give her your
attention," says Dr. Smith. ("I do want to see your project. I'll be able to really look at it after
I've finished my conversation.") But children have a much easier time waiting if you
acknowledge them right away and consistently keep your promises. It also shows respect - an important concept you want her to learn and use in her interactions with others.

Ultimately, remember that you are the one with the ability to make the greatest impact on
your child's behavior, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way. And that's great news. As
Dr. Smith says, "You're going to be numero uno in your child's eyes no matter how many
other people come into his life."

Parents and teachers often wonder how to discipline a child with behavior problems.
Although some children truly have challenging behaviors regardless of what strategies we
try, many children just need to have the adults in their lives make changes in the way they
react, respond, or interact with them. This article gives 10 simple strategies that you can
start implementing right now to encourage positive behavior in your child/students. All of
these strategies are positive in nature and will help you connect with your child/student(s)
in a way that will increase their confidence, self-respect, and respect for you. Children with
good confidence and a healthy respect for themselves and the adults in their lives show
better cooperation and make healthier choices.
If your child is significantly struggling with behavior, despite several positive strategies
being in place, talk to your childs doctor or a mental health professional to help determine
the next steps you should take. If you are a teacher who is having significant behavioral
difficulties with a student (despite several positive strategies) talk to the childs parent and
your school team (administrator, guidance counselor, etc.). Always keep in mind that there
are no magic answers for getting all children to behave the way we expect them to and
some children truly have difficulty controlling their behaviors. While this is frustrating for
adults, imagine how it feels to the child who frequently gets punished, singled out, or yelled
at for behaviors they cant control.

10 Simple Strategies to Promote Positive Behavior

1. Verbally acknowledge childrens efforts. Tell your child/student(s) specifically what
he/she did that you are proud of. For example, you can say You were so focused on your
math homework tonight! Keep up the good work, That was so nice the way you helped
your brother with his math homework. When children get praised for doing the right thing,
they want to do more of it.Virtually all children want to please adults (whether they show it
or not) so for most children, praise makes a positive impact. Praise is also an easy way to
give your child attention which many children so desperately crave.
2. Use positive body language to show approval for positive behavior. Positive body
language can include a smile, thumbs up, high-five, pat on the back, etc. Keep in mind that
some children do not like to be touched and would respond better to something like a
thumbs up than a pat on the back. Get to know your child/students to know what they like.
3. Use humor with your child/student(s). Make jokes, listen to their jokes, smile often,
say something silly, sing something you would normally say, or anything else that would
make them smile/laugh (make sure it is age appropriate).

4. Show your child/student(s) that you are happy to see them. Smile at them when
they come into the room; for parentsput your arms out for a hug. Ask about their day,
weekend, etc. and really listen when they talk.
5. Remind your child/student(s) that they should be proud of themselves (e.g., You
worked so hard on that science project. You should be so proud of yourself!). This helps
build internal confidence in them, so they can learn to be proud of themselves for being
persistent, working hard, being kind to others, etc. If they feel successful they will be
successful.
6. Take an interest in your childs/students interests. Ask them what they enjoy, get
excited about their creations or accomplishments, ask them what they want to learn about,
ask them their opinion about things, etc. Teacherstry to incorporate students interests in
the classroom. Parentsdo activities with your children (academic or otherwise) that
involve something they are interested in, even if it may not be your favorite activity. Let
them choose topics of interest for certain activities.
7. Acknowledge your child/student(s) feelings with empathy. Be understanding when
they are nervous because they are trying something for the first time, frustrated because a
writing assignment is difficult for them, disappointed because they didnt get invited to a
birthday party, or embarrassed because other students laughed at them. Avoid saying
things like Stop making a big deal about it, Youll get over it, or Why are you having
such a hard time with this; its easy. Instead, make empathetic statements like, I
understand that this assignment is frustrating for you or I understand that you are
nervous, thats common when trying something new. Also, let them know that you are
there to help in any way you can.
8. Be open minded and dont pass judgment on your children/student(s) if their
thoughts, values, feelings, or ideas dont match yours. Of course it is okay to share
your opinion (and unsafe or hurtful behavior is unacceptable), but in general, dont make
them wrong for their opinion. They need to feel like they can be open and be themselves
around the adults in their lives. When children feel like they wont be judged or made
wrong, they are more likely to talk to us when there is a real problem.
9. Be a role model for good behavior. If you want your child to treat others with respect,
you do the same. If you want your child to be an honest person, set an example of honesty
for them.
10. Follow through on your promises and rules (barring unforeseen consequences)
and stay away from empty threats. If you tell your child/student(s) that they can pick a
favorite book to read after they finish their math assignment, make sure you stick to your
end of the bargain. If you tell your child that he can go on the computer after his sister has
a turn, make sure he gets a chance to do that. Have consistent rules that teach your
children that they need to stick to their end of the bargain as well. For example, if you have
a rule such as Homework first, then TV. stick to that rule by making sure your child

completes homework before watching TV. Stay away from empty threats such as If you
dont stop I am going to leave you here or Ill throw all of your toys away if you dont clean
them up. First of all, these statements can be scary for children leading to crying,
tantrums, etc. and in all probability you are not going to do those things. If you keep
making empty threats your child will learn that you dont mean what you say and will also
learn to not take you seriously. If your children/students have faith in what you say, and
know the boundaries you have set for them, they will feel a sense of security and trust
which leads to confidence in themselves and respect for you. Children with confidence and
respect feel good about themselves and the people around them, making them more likely
to cooperate with requests and make healthy choices.