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Texting Sections

Section 1: Response Bait..............4


Section 2: The Day After..............10
Section 3: Making Plans..............13
Section 4: Golden Responses.....18
Section 5: Getting Sexual...........25
Section 6: Situational................30
Section 7: Random Humor.........35

2012, All Rights Reserved First edition The 99 Best Texts of ALL TIME by Bobby Rio
(TSB Magazine) and Rob Judge (Date Hotter Girls, LLC) 2012, All Right Reserved

This book is copyright 2012 with all rights reserved. It is


illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from
this book in whole or in part or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this
book. When you purchased this book, you agreed to the
following statement:
2012, All Rights Reserved. You understand that the
information contained in this book is an opinion, and
it should be used for personal entertainment purposes
only. You are responsible for your own behavior, and
none of this book is to be considered legal or personal
advice.

Section

Response Bait

T
O

e x t

ne

# 9T 9

-Hit Wonder

ext

Do you like pia coladas and/or getting caught in the rain?

T
T

e x t

he

# M9 8

Lovechild

aker

What are your feelings on having a


lovechild?

T
T

R e sp onse Ba it

e x t

he

Red

#W9 7?

or the

hite

Whats your favorite wine?

T
G

e x t

irl

# T9 6

Got

alent

I have a sneaking suspicion that youre an in-the-closet


creative nerd. What secret talent do you possess?

T
P

# 9T 5

e x t

u pp y

Eyes

ext

Most important question ever: do you


prefer big dogs or small dogs?

T
A

R e sp onse Ba it

#9
4
P

e x t

bsurd

Weekend

lans

Weekends here! Finally time to smoke some crack, steal


some cars, get busted on a few counts of racketeering, and
maybe bake some gingerbread cookieswhat you up to?

T
M

e x t

usic

P i r at e

#
9
3
F
M
irst

at e

Bored at workgive me a good jam to illegally download on the company computer

T
T

e x t

exting

#
9
2
F
oreigner

Even your texts have a weird accent


where are they from?

R e sp onse Ba it

T
L

#
9
1
@ B
M

e x t

a u gh i n g

ad

ovies

Please tell me that you DONT secretly


go to the Twilight movies

T
W

e x t
A ll

#
9
0
T
I
hink

Am I the only one who finds perverse pleasure when


assholes from high school get fat? (Thank you Facebook!)

T
I

#8
9
S

e x t

nked

D ogg y

tyle

Im considering getting my dog a tramp


stamp do you know any good tattoo artists?

T
D

R e sp onse Ba it

e x t

ead

A n y w ay

#
8
8
,L
R
ast

esort

I feel like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense lol am I


a ghost? Do you respond to texts from dead people?

T
G

# C8 7

e x t

oo d

Luck

harm

Red or black? Quick!

T
L

# W8 6

e x t

earn

To Speak

om a n

I just overheard a girl calling some guy a random creeper. Can you translate this womanese
for me?

T
S

R e sp onse Ba it

e x t

hes

# 8L 5

A Charming

ass

What sorts of things do you do when you arent


charming the pants off dreamy guys named [your
name]?

Section

The Day After

T
A

e x t

#C 8 4

t t a c k of t h e

ougars

Things got pretty wild after you left last nightsome aggressive cougar grabbed my butt! And I have the handprints to prove it! Rob, that dashing man from [venue]

T
P

e x t

or

# 8L 3

L at i n a

ove

Hola! Encantado de concorele! Mucho


gusto ;) Rob

10

T
B

Th e Day A f t e r

e x t

ad

Girl,

#
8
2
G
T
oo d

ext

Hey badasswhen you get bailed out


of jail, hit me up

T
U

#A 8 1

e x t

n d e r s tat e d

w e s om e

For lack of a more Shakespearean first text, just


wanted to say its Rob and enjoyed meeting you
last night!

T
T

e x t

exting

#
8
0
A

n o n y mo u s

I was trying to kick my text addiction,


but decided to relapse just for you

11

T
W

Th e Day A f t e r

e x t

ild

#7
9
N

i gh t

After last night we owe a large debt


to karma. Im a little scared.

T
S

e x t

oul

# 7 F8

-Destroying

un

I think I sprained my soul last night

12

Section

Making Plans

T
D

e x t

ive

#E 7 7

B a r M at h

q u at i o n

Monday night = dive bar night. You = my


date. Lets get a drink later!

T
R

e x t

om a n t i c

#E 7 6

x plo r e r

Come join me for a romantic adventure. Will be funlet me know ;]

13

T
P

M a king P l a ns

#
7
5
N

e x t

ho n e

B oo k

o s t a lg i a

Wow, just scrolling through my phone and realize


we never met up. So tragic. Lets do something
about that; what you doing later?

T
S

e x t

i mpl e

#
7
4
D
irectness

Drinks? Later?

T
N

e x t

erd

Love

# 7T 3
fo r

wo

Theres a nerdy movie I want to see, but I need


a cute nerdy girl to watch it withknow any?

14

T
B

M a king P l a ns

e x t

ack

to

the

#
7
2
O
D
ld

ay s

Lets be traditional and enjoy an old


fashioned drink together

T
T

# 7L 1

e x t

he

Iron Chef

of

ove

Cancel your plans tonightI am preparing


you a culinary experience that will rock your
face off

T
D

e x t

elicious

#S 7 0

urprise

Tonight I will plan everything. All I need to know


is if you have peanut allergies everything else
will be a surprise!

15

T
C

Sect i on Ti t le

e x t

oo k i n g

#
6
9
U
L
p

ove

Slaving over a hot oven for you lady!


What time are you free tonight?

T
G

e x t

irl

With

# 6D8
a

og

How about me, you, my dog, and your


dog go on a double date?

T
T

e x t

ake

the

# P6 7

lunge

Shark weeks over. Its safe to go out


again. Meet for drinks? Later?

16

T
M

M a king P l a ns

e x t

ock

Gang

#B 6 6

angers

Yo gangsta, when are we gonna go on


that crime spree?

T
D

e x t

at e

Planner

#
6
5
C

ompl i m e n t

Will your wit and charm be making an


appearance tonight at [venue]?

17

Section

Golden Responses

T
D

e x t

ont

Drink

#H 6 4

the

at e r a i d

Dont. Hate.

T
I

e x t

n s u lt

#63

Turnaround

If by inappropriate you mean utterly


charming, then youre right ;]

18

T
H

G ol de n R e sp onse s

#
6
2
G

e x t

ear

Thru

the

rapevine

Can only tell you over a glass of wine.

T
S

e x t
Much

#C 6 1

in

ommo n

You like (something you like)?! Its as


if you know my soul!

T
G

e x t

oo d

# 6K 0

Babisms

to

n ow

These are good [girls name]-isms to


know

19

T
M

G ol de n R e sp onse s

# H5 9

e x t

i s u n d e r s t oo d

u mo r

You thought I was serious. Wow. Let me


explain absurdity over a strong drink

T
T

#W5 8

e x t

extual

i s d om

Your texts are always packed with


Confucius-esque wisdom

T
N

e x t

#B 5 7

R e s po n s e

reaker

You know I love shy girls and here you


are acting like one!

20

G ol de n R e sp onse s

T
T

e x t

T
A

e x t

ext

#
5
6
C
ompl i m e n t

You know, our text convos are so good that


100 years from now high school kids will
study them like they now read Shakespeare

#5
5
T

mazing

exts

Where did you learn to text like this? Its


like you channel the ghost of Voltaire with
your thumbs

T
H

e x t

ard

to

#
5
4
G
T
et

ext

Why you always playing hard to get


lady?

21

T
A

G ol de n R e sp onse s

e x t

fter

# 5B 3

om b

On a scale from 1 to 10, that text was


abysmal

T
F

# 51 021

e x t

lake

Busting

Youre sick? Heres the cureSTRONG DRINKS


WITH HOT GUYS NAMED [your name]. See you
at 8?

T
M

e x t

ass

#5
1
H

Text

at e r

Mass texts are about as polite as


punches in the face

22

T
A

G ol de n R e sp onse s

#H 5 0

e x t

fter

ilarity

Hilarious! I wish my phone had a


laugh trackthat was comedy gold!

T
A

e x t

fter

#
4
9
S
weetness

How many other guys did you text


that to? ;]

T
A

e x t

fter

#B 4 8

u ll s h i t

The lady doth protest too much methinks

23

T
S

G ol de n R e sp onse s

e x t

low

# T4 7

exter

Is the Pony Express delivering your texts?! You


take forever to respond! Dont think so much
about itjust text!

T
R

e x t

equest

# 4L 6

ine

Wear the black dress you know I love!

24

Section

Getting Sexual

T
S

e x t

T
P

e x t

exy

#
4
5
C

omm a n d o

Wish you were here to cuddle under a


blanket, drink wine, and watch a Rambo
movie

i llow

F i gh t

#
4
4
C

h a ll e n g e

On a scale from 1 to awesome, how would


you rate your pillow fighting ability?

25

T
S

Get t ing Se x ua l

# 4
3
S

e x t

hes

Sick, You

re

icker

Youre sick? Well Id still make out with you


shamelessly. Even if you had the Ebola virus.

T
H

# R4 2

e x t

otness

equst

The question is sexy lingerie? and


the answer is yes!

T
H

e x t

ol i d a y

#4
1
C

heer

Tis the season to be cuddlingdont


be a Grinch with your cuddles!

26

T
C

Get t ing Se x ua l

#
4
0
C
-O

e x t

hddle

a ll

ut

How good are your cuddling skills?

T
S

e x t

exy

or

#
3
9
T

raditional

Needed: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline.


It will be a night of greatness or tragedy. Orrrrrrrr
we can just go out to dinner ;]

T
F

e x t

unny

#
3
8
&
S

exual

I just want to cradle you in my arms


and feed you applesauce

27

T
N

Get t ing Se x ua l

# T3 7

e x t

ew

Years

rends

I heard making out with dreamy guys


named [your name] is IN for 2012

T
O

# S3 6

e x t

b v i o u s ly

exual

Wont answer that. I prefer to have an aura


of mystique surrounding me and my penis

T
C

e x t

uddle

# 3T 5

ime

What are you doing right now and how


can we add some cuddling to that?

28

T
B

Get t ing Se x ua l

e x t

ack

to

# D3 4
...

the

ay s

Lets take a field trip back to the days when


making out was considered risqu

T
M

e x t

assage

#T 3 3

hearpy

Its 10:23 on a Monday morning and Im in


the mood to give some charming lady a massage

29

Section

Situational

T
A

e x t

rriving

# 3D 2

to

at e

Just got here look for man holding the bushel of


flowers in front of the Mexican string quartet playing love ballads in your honor

T
B

e x t

ad

Drunk

#
3
1
B

ehavior

Drunk me was misbehaving last night. My apologies


for the poor behavior. Sober me gave him a stern
lecture this morning and it WONT happen again

30

Sit uat iona l

T
O

e x t

T
F

e x t

ut

#3
0
T

of

ouch

Sorry Ive been MIAworking hard so we


can have that house in the hills, white picket
fence, and 2.5 children

unny

New

#
2
9
Y
T
ears

ext

My New Years Resolution is to start texting in the


third person. [Your name] wants to see you later
for some hot magic at the [venue] .

T
W

e x t

orking

# 2L 8

with

ove

I have to work tonight but if you end up going


out drinking I would like one courtesy peer
pressure text.

31

T
W

Sit uat iona l

e x t

inter

#
2
7
D
T
at e

ext

The colder it gets, the better hot chocolate


tastes. Meet me later for a winter wonderdate.

T
B

# 2T 6

e x t

est

B i r t h d ay

ext

Its birthday season! Act surprised when the midget pops out of the cake I sent youmy way of saying happy birfday!

T
P

e x t

re

-Game

# 2T 5

ext

WARNING: This is the last sober text you will receive


from me for the night. Admire the grammar, spelling,
and punctuation while it lasts!

32

T
A

Sit uat iona l

#24
U

e x t

fter

Messing

What are you doing Sunday? My lackluster performance last night was intentional: it can only
go up from here!

T
C

#2
3
J

e x t

hristmas

oker

I just realized how bossy the guy who sings We Wish


You a Merry Christmas comes off. Hope he never got
that figgy pudding, what a demanding prick!

T
N

e x t

ew

Years

#H 2 2

ilarity

Text from the future (dont open until next year)


wanted to say Happy New Years to you before
youre bombarded with mass texts

33

T
R

Sit uat iona l

e x t

#2
1
G

e s po n s i b l e

i f t s

Im just gonna stay home for my birthday. Its my b-day gift to my liver.

T
N

e x t

S u b t ly

# 2 A0
at

ll

Heres a hint of the gift I got you: its


hard to gift-wrap an orgasm.

34

Section

Random Humor

T
B

#
1
9
H
D

e x t

ad

Face

air

ay

My friend just tried to convince me to grow a handlebar mustache. He was overwhelmingly unsuccessful. Do you have any feelings on mustaches?

T
O

e x t

ld

Creeper

#
1
8
C

omm e n t a r y

Just saw an old man on a scooter w/ kneepads


checking out babes. Made my morning

35

T
M

R a nd om Humor

e x t

ocking

#
1
7
C

o r po r a t e

Sweatpants to job interview = poor


life decision

T
B

e x t

eing

an

#
1
6
A

r i s t o c r at

In the penthouse, listening to Mozart,


sipping aged Scotch, thinking of you

T
D

e x t

istant

#
1
5
M

e mo r i e s

I was just reminded me of you.


Wow

36

T
B

R a nd om Humor

e x t

ased on a

#
1
4
T
S
rue

tory

Confession: The Twilight films are


loosely based on my life

T
F

e x t

a m i ly

#
1
3
W
eirdness

My grandfather just slipped me a condom.


Our relationship went from 0 to awkward
FAST!

T
B

e x t

est

#C 1 2

L oo k i n g

hildren

Lets spawn some Zoolander-looking children togetherkeep your day planner open!

37

T
R

R a nd om Humor

e x t
o

#11
t

Lets start a rock band. Can you learn


the drums by Tuesday?

T
S

e x t

hoo t g u n

#T 1 0

exting

Is it possible to get married over text? Because


if I have another beer, that might sound like a
great life decision

T
F

e x t

ear

of

#N 9

injas

There may or may not be a ninja in my


room right now

38

T
S

R a nd om Humor

e x t

ta r b u c ks

#S 8

Music

ucks

The music in Starbucks makes me want to slit my


wrists. Please tell me you will join me in my hatred of
sappy Starbucks music!

T
S

e x t

at u r d ay

#F 7

N i gh t

ever

Tonight you will see the greatest dance moves


from a heterosexual manOF ALL TIME

T
F

e x t

unny

# 6

S e lf - D e p r e c a t i n g

Actually, you dont want to see me. I reached an all


time low drinking 4loco out of a Gatorade bottle

39

T
H

R a nd om Humor

e x t

ol d o n t o

T h at

#
5
F

eeling

Please tell me you havent stopped


believing per the advice of Journey

T
D

e x t

ay d r e a m s

# H4

of

er

Ahh, bored at work. Would much rather be wrestling alligators with you

T
C

e x t

off e e

#
3
A

ddict

I need Starbucks rehab. 3 times today, and


Im STILL craving some vente love

40

T
B

R a nd om Humor

e x t

reakfast

of

#
2
C

h a mp s

Just ate a pancake that changed my


life

T
T

e x t

humb

#L 1

ove

Texting you makes my thumbs happy

41