Ambivalence

A memoir

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS

1. I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost I am helpless.
It isnt my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
2. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I dont see it.
I fall in again.
I cant believe I am in this same place.
But, it isnt my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
3. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall inits a habitbut,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4. I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5. I walk down another street.
- Portia Nelson

Forward

My name is Victoria Elizabeth Black, but you can call me Tori. I

was born with a rare medical condition called cystic hygroma. It is not
hereditary or contagious. Lymphatic malformations (another name for
cystic hygroma) is a condition that affects my mouth down to my chin. It
is enlarged tissue that makes me look abnormal compared to other
people. I developed this condition before I was even born. Its one of those
one in a million things that just sort of happened without my or anyone
elses control. No known food, medicine, or activity during pregnancy can
cause this. I have had about 25 different surgeries from when I was 2
months old until now, and I am 20 years old.
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When I was 2 months old, on my first night home, my parents

noticed that I was having trouble sleeping that night. It turns out that
the lymphoma was blocking my airway, so I had to have a tracheotomy
put in; a breathing tube I will wear around my neck for the next 18 years.
The hole goes into my trachea and creates an extra air escape for me to
breathe out of, just like a nose or a mouth would.
Being born with this condition Ive always felt uncomfortable in my
own skin. Like I wasn't supposed to be in this body, like it was some
horrible costume that I was desperate to shed out of.
The earliest age I remember noticing a difference between others
and me was at around age 8.
But this isnt about the way I look. Or maybe it is... That parts up
to you and the way you interpret what Im about to share with you.
It seemed as if as soon as I realized I was different things started
to spiral downward. Slowly at first, then it began to speed up.
It was overwhelming. The depression, the anxiety, the borderline
personality disorder, the eating disorder, the cutting all distracted me.
From what? Im still trying to figure that out. Still learning, still working
to understand myself. Ill be doing this forever, I think. And Im okay with
that. Everyone is in the same place I am. We all learn more and more
about ourselves with each day that goes by. We gain insight and that is
something that is ongoing. It doesnt mean that I will never fully recover.
Currently, I would describe myself as being in recovery. Maybe Ill write
another book when Im fully recovered, whatever that means to you.
Journaling is something I can go to if I want to feel safe. When all
the chaos running around in my head gives me a headache, I can release
that tension by writing. Even if you have nothing to say, write that. Even
if you think this is stupid, write that. Write the inner dialogue that goes
on in your head. Write down the ums, the ahhs, and everything in
between. This is your place to be your true self.
Ive been journaling ever since I could write.
I love mom. I love dad. I love my sister, Courtney. I love my brother,
Michael. I love my dogs, Max and Daisy, is what I started out with.
Once my issues really took a bad turn, I got darker, even crazier.

TRIGGER WARNING #1
Im about to bring you inside the mind of a very emotional, disturbed,
mental illness.
Ive documented the worst 5 years of my life, and Im about to share it
with you (loud sigh)

Journal Entries

Summer of 2010 ; 14 years old

I want to fast forward to the future. I want to be married, have a job
5

I love, have tons of kids. I want to be happy. For once in a long time.
I want to want to live. To not have to find reasons to stay alive every
day, because thats what Im doing now. I want to know if that time
will ever come for me again and how long it will be until then. I dont
want to die, when I couldve lived and been happy, and I didnt even
have to wait that long for that time to come.
I look at airplanes that fly over me, constantly. I wish I were in one.
Going somewhere. Anywhere but here. I hear music coming from a
distance. But its overheard by children playing in the streets. Their
laughter makes me cringe. I wonder if they know whats coming to
them in just a few years.
I hear young boys playing basketball. It thumps on the dry
pavement. It feels like its in my head thats how loud it is.
So I got a therapist. I dont like her. She thinks she knows me but
she doesnt. At all. I dont want to see her shes so annoying she
thinks shes so experienced and professional. She expects me to just
tell her everything. Yeah right, fuck you. Good luck with that.

I remember sitting on the roof of my house at dusk, thinking these

thoughts and I wonder how I got from there to here. It doesnt feel like my
life that Ive lived. It feels like a past life that I can no longer relate to
anymore.
Fast forward to January of 2011. I was 14. I had been self-harming
for a few years now and was well on my way to an eating disorder. A lot of
people ask me, When did you realize you had an eating disorder? and
Why do you think you developed an eating disorder? I wish I could
come up with some really logical explanation that makes complete sense.
After all, thats what Id been looking for through the years of treatment.
But I think the whole point of recovery and moving on, or at least part of
the point, is being okay with the unknown and the uncertainty. For me,
at least, I am okay with not knowing what caused this to happen because
there might not be one. Maybe its the way I was born, the way I was
raised, the people and environment that influenced me. Maybe I was
born with my mental illnesses and all of this was bound to happen
eventually. I dont know and am no longer interested in figuring it out.

Ive wasted too much time worrying about how I got sick instead of
spending time on how to get better.

January 2011
I love everything about my life. Its perfect. The problem is me.
I hate me. I wish I didnt. I wish I could be happy and not feel
this way. No one seems to understand, absolutely no one. I
wish I could be a better daughter for my parents. If you ever
find my journal and are reading this, I am so, so sorry.
February 2011
My parents took me to yet ANOTHER therapist. This one gave
me a prescription for anti-depressants. Its called Lexapro. My
brother takes it so the feelings I get could be hereditary, which
makes me feel a little better. Like its not ALL my fault even
though it mostly is. Ive been taking it for weeks now, and
honestly I dont know if I feel better or not. I guess I do, but I
dont know if its all in my head or if its actually working..?

March 2011
I look in the mirror at myself. I dont recognize the stranger
staring back at me. She is not ugly, nor beautiful. She is me.
I want to do it so badly right now I just cant help the feeling of
being pulled into it. Its like Im having a fight with myself; no
matter what, I always lose. Part of me wants something, but
the other doesnt. Its confusing and its making me go insane.
I just dont know what to do. Lately Ive been good. Ive been
thinking about the consequences of what will happen in the
long run. And with a lot of energy, Ive been surprisingly
strong enough to push aside all those thoughts and trick
myself into thinking it disgusts me. But I need a relief... I need
to breathe. I need something to help me feel like I dont have to
worry anymore. Ive been fighting the urges for too long. I need

to cut.
June 2, 2011
I bite my lip and try to stop myself from crying but tears keep
rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably. I try not to make a
sound. Just keep wiping my tears with my unwashed hands.
Writing this makes me more upset. I want to scream, take a
tantrum, and I just cant believe everything. I hate myself so
much why am I even alive? All I ever do is cause people pain
and disappointment.

TRIGGER WARNING #2:

You are about to enter the mind of a full-fledged eating disorder.

November 21, 2011; 15 years old

I wish I had a scale right now. I need to see how fat I got from
what I just ate. I cant keep eating like this. Throwing it up
doesnt work. I need to stop eating altogether. I NEED to. Ugh.
I make myself sick. I feel gross. I have such a muffin top I feel
like exploding. Especially since Thanksgiving is Thursday. I
cant eat until then. Just water and gum thats all I cant allow
myself. I hate pretending Im so happy, when really I hate
everyone. I dont want to talk to anyone. I wish my parents
would just stop talking to me or paying attention to me. Then
they wouldnt notice. I dont want anyone to notice.
Everyone says Youre so skinny, and Youre so tiny yeah?
WELL IM NOT SKINNY ENOUGH.
November 22, 2011
I have food in my bag. What the fuck are you thinking, Tori?!
You SUCK. Just STOP FUCKING EATING. Just stay away! You
cant eat today, you cant eat tomorrow, you just fucking cant!
Do you want to get fatter? Dont you want to be perfect? Dont
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you want to make people proud? Dont you want to be good

enough? When will you ever learn?! Stop being so fucking
weak. Youre pathetic. I need a scale.
Im hungry Im hungry Im hungry
NO YOURE NOT!!!!!!!!!
December 2011
Me: no its okay. You needed that. Youve lost 10 pounds
already
Ed: Fuck it. Youve probably gained it all back. All that hard
work for nothing. You cant do anything right. Youre so fucking
weak. You need to stop being so fucking weak.
Me: No, you can do whatever you want. You deserve to eat;
you can eat if you want. You shouldnt feel guilty for eating;
youre supposed to eat. Food is good for you.
Ed: No youre just making up excuses for yourself. Youre a
failure. Fuck you!
Dear therapist lady, I dont want your fake pity or for you to
tell me not to, or tell me my life is fine because you dont know
me at all. You dont know my life, or what goes on behind
closed doors. Or what goes on inside my head. Youre not me
and you never will be. Dont tell me how I should act, or think,
or feel. Dont tell me what to do; dont tell me what not to do. I
am my own person who can make her own decisions. I do
everything I do for a reason. And I might not want to tell you
that reason. I dont like people prying into my personal life. I
need my own secrets, my own worries. So stop trying to get to
know me. If I want to, trust me I will let you in. but forcing
yourself in will only make me regret telling you shit in the first
place.
I dont want to be fat, but I need to get better. I dont want to
gain weight but I need to get better. I dont want to have to
worry about food. I just want to eat what I want and be
happy. Right now, I cant eat. But maybe if I eat more and
more each day, Ill get there. I just have to think of that
number on the scale. Re-program my mind to thinking that
bigger is better. I cant keep being like this. I cant keep getting
these mood swings because Im not eating. I cant keep being
unhappy because its affecting everyone around me. And Im

hurting the people I love for no reason. And I dont want to do

that anymore. Maybe tomorrow everything will change. Maybe
I will feel fat and continue my unhealthy diet. Maybe I will
say, fuck food, and starve myself again. But for right now, at
this very moment, I want to get better. I just need the strength
and commitment to move forward. But I need to fight my own
battle. No one can do it for me, or it wont be done. I need to
learn to love myself again. And I need to be able to have that
kind of will power and perseverance to do so.
I cant really feel much of anything anymore. I can cut deeper
and not feel anything. I turned on the bathtub on the hottest it
could go and almost burned my legs, but I didnt even notice
until I looked down. Everything is just a blur. I eat, but I dont
taste anything. I get hurt, but I dont care. Ive lost friends but I
dont care. Ive hurt the people Im supposed to love, but I still
dont care. Its confusing because I dont really know whats
happening to me or why. But I dont care. I am so mad
because I fasted for 3 days, and I only lost one pound and
four ounces.
One minute I want to get better. The next, I never want to eat
again.
I fasted today. Im not even hungry. If anything, Im full. I hate
food. I dont want food. I dont need food. I feel euphoric.
Ive been feeling so happy lately I can do anything and
nothing can stop me! Maybe this thing inside me has finally
gone away!
As I sit here, I realize somethings not right. Somethings
missing. And that thing that I was talking about is still here.
And its here to stay.
This weekend was perfect. A group of friends and I got so
drunk and high. The whole night the music was bursting
through my ears, vibrating my brain. My head was spinning,
and my eyes rolling to the back of my head. Ive never felt so
good in my entire life. That was the best feeling in the world.
Its not fair that I have to go through this and no one else does.
I feel so alone.
Im such a fucking pig. I disgust myself. Definitely fasting
tomorrow.
I wish I wasnt like this, you know. I wish I could be normal

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and happy with food, happy with my body. I used to be. I

used to not care. Now I cant even bring food to my mouth
without regretting it later. I ate a spoonful of mashed potatoes
today and I felt sick to the stomach, disgusted with myself. I
dont know how I used to do it before. I cant feel anything
anymore. I cant feel happy. I cant feel sad. Why cant I? What
is wrong with me? How am I barely eating anything and not
losing that much? I hate this.
I seriously hate myself. Every day I keep getting fatter and
fatter.
I lost 22 pounds since my last check-up at the doctors. I wore
5-pound weights on each leg so she wouldnt notice. She
asked if I made myself throw up. I said no.
I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try.

January 2012
Dear therapist lady, Ill warn you, I have a lot of issues. If you
dont think you can handle that, than leave. But dont stay
and act like you care only to walk away once I actually start
to trust you. Ive been there before and Ive ended up with
nothing but hurt, so if youre lucky enough to gain my trust,
make sure you dont lose it. You might never get it back.
I know Im lucky, but sometimes I just want to ask why?
Why me?
Why is everyone else allowed to be normal? What did I ever
do to deserve living life like this? Every day, I walk out my
front door, and people look. They stare at me. They dont stop
staring. Sometimes they even laugh or point. I pretend I dont
notice, like I dont care. I pretend I dont hear it, just to escape
the embarrassment. But I hear it. Theyre screaming in my
ears. Im used to it. But it doesnt mean that every time
something like that happens, I dont wish I were different. I
wish so badly that I could just be like everyone else. I dont
have to be pretty. I dont need to be pretty. I just want to be
normal. The feeling that I feel when I realize that I will never
be able to live a normal life is heartbreaking. Because its
true, I will never be thought of as a normal teenage girl. I will
always have people looking at me, staring, asking, always.
And sure, I can get surgeries, but theyre not enough. Not with

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the way I was born.

February 3, 2012
Today, the guiltiness settles in after every bite. And the regret
makes me uncomfortable.
Here we go again

March 6, 2012

Its the day after spring break. My eyes hurt. I didnt get much
sleep last night. People around me are talking; my teachers
low voice goes unnoticed. Settle down, he says again and no
one seems to listen. No one cares. I dont care. I take all the
effort I have to try to lift my head up from my desk. I realize I
had been drooling. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand
and look around. Everyones gone. Did the bell ring? I hadnt
heard anything. I go to my next class and ask to go to the
bathroom to see what I did this time. What strawberry design
I made on my arm. I dont remember doing it, but I know its
there because I feel it. Not painful, but annoying. I close the
stall and lock it behind me. Im not surprised as I pull back my
sleeve and see it. Not that deep, just a bloody scab. It wont
scar. It will heal and I can pretend it never even happened.
I feel dead when I walk in the hallways, like I dont even exist.
I dont feel my weight as I walk; its no effort carrying myself
from place to place. Fear hits my chest as I enter the
classroom. The worst class of the day.

April 14, 2012

Food isnt becoming easier. I havent purged at all, which is
good. I think Im done with wanting to throw up. But
sometimes I still sit in front of the toilet until I will myself out
of it. I just lay there on the cold floor, leaning on the seat for
what feels like hours until I give up.
Im so high, I feel like bugs are all over me. Im very itchy. I
feel like a zombie, Im in the strangest daze. I keep falling in
and out of sleep.

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April 16, 2012

I am not myself anymore. I am a stranger. A hollow stranger. If
you touch me, I will break into a million little pieces.
April 17, 2012
I knew the very first time I put that blade to my wrist what I
was getting myself into. I just didnt care.
April 19 2012
How can you tell me I dont look fat when I feel it? I physically
feel it on my body.
I just cut myself. Oh my god I feel so much better. I feel so
relieved, like everythings going to be okay.
IM xx lbs. This is completely unacceptable. I deserve to be
punished. I hate this. I hate trying every day, Im so sick of it.
I want to disappear already. Why cant I just not exist? Why
was I given the chance to live if I dont even want it? I wish
my parents never met and never had me. I just wish
everything about me was different and Im sick of trying so
hard to be someone I will never be. Im sick of waking up
every morning, thinking whether or not I should starve myself
or not. Im sick of resisting the urge to harm myself every day.
April 23, 2012
Anytime Im in any kind of pain or suffering, I always think I
deserve this, and then it suddenly becomes all the more
bearable because I know that its true, I really do deserve it.
Every time I leave the house, I tell my parents I love them
because I never know if one day I will decide it will be my last
day.

May 2, 2012
I remember when I used to eat and not care about calories or
getting fat or gaining weight. I wish the thing inside me telling
me that starving is what I have to do would just go away. Im
sick of pretending. I never want to smile, or laugh, but its who
people expect me to be so thats who I have to be.
13

To eat or not to eat. That is the question I ask myself every

second of every day. Everyone says how skinny I am, but I
dont see it. Theyre just saying it because they want me to
stop dieting. Jealous bitches. Im not even as skinny as I used
to be. Its so annoying I want everyone to just shut up.
I took 10 painkillers last night. Each night I will keep taking
more and more until I am numb. Until I feel nothing. I loathe
myself. And if it just so happens that I die in the process, then
so be it. Its not like anyone will care. Its not like I was
actually worth something. I am completely useless; the world
would just be better if I werent in it. I truly believe that.

May 6, 2012
I dont know what to do. My mother is more suspicious than
ever. She asked me, Is there a reason youre not eating? I
laughed like she was ridiculous and said, I am eating!
What did you eat today?
Two bowls of mini wheats, crackers and cheese, and some
cookies, I lied. I exercised instead and now Im at xx! But I
heard my dad asking my mom, Is she going to eat?
Im making her, my mom replied. What the fuck this better
not make me gain after how hard I worked this morning on my
exercising.
May 7, 2012
I hate this so much I cant stop crying. It upsets me so much
that I cant eat like everyone else can. That every time I do,
guilt drowns me and I feel depressed and I keep cutting. I
hate this so much and I punched a hole in the wall with my
heel because I just felt like going insane. I hate this sickness.
But I deserve it. I deserve everything terrible. I know I do.
This has completely consumed my life. I am no longer myself,
and the body that I used to live in is now just a shell of the
person I used to be. I hold no feeling, nor emotion. Eds strong,
yet Im weak and fragile. I used to be able to sometimes have
control, but no matter what I say, or think, or feel, Ed replaces
them with his words and whispers. They swim in and out of
my ears, leaving me confused and alone. I just want to sleep
forever.

14

May 8, 2012
Every day lasts forever. I dont want to think, or feel, or eat. I
dont want to tell anyone anything or let anyone into my life. I
just want to be pretty and skinny and light. When I walk
down the halls, I feel their stares. They know Im getting
heavier and theyre not used to it because I used to be so thin.
Thats why everyone is commenting on my appearance,
saying how skinny I am all the time. Theyre just trying to
make me feel better, but it just makes me feel worse. When I
look in the mirror, its sickening. I dont deserve food because
of what a fatass Ive become.
May 9, 2012
The days are getting worse. Im letting more and more of my
old self disappear. I need to lose 10 pounds, then 10 more. I
am a worthless, useless, fat, disgusting, pig and I hate
myself. I need to be thin.
Every day is a constant battle between the person I used to be
and the person Im turning into. Each day the old me crawls
deeper and deeper inside myself until I soon become
unrecognizable. I stare at the blackboards in school with a
blank face, hoping the teachers wont call on me. I dont see
my purpose in this world.

I dont want to get better. This is stupid. Obviously Im just telling

everyone what they want to hear so I can leave
I am inpatient at Somerset Medical Center, talking to my therapist during
one of our sessions. Amanda had long brown hair. There was something
about her that made you want to be honest with her. Even if you did lie,
she wouldnt believe you. She always knew the truth. That scared me,
but I was relieved that she wasnt like the others. She didnt take my
bullshit.
Fine. Then youll pretend to get better, go home, and end up back here.
No because I know how to control myself now and I wont let it get to
that point I said, confidently.
You may think so but just wait. The eating disorder is the one that holds

15

control over you.

Bullshit. Im getting annoyed now.
Dont believe me? Then just stay sick. Youll see what happens.
Fine I will
Fine
You can leave now, I barked.
You want session to be over? You dont have anything else to say?
Nope
Okay then... she walked out, very sure of herself. It always scared me
how smart she was. She was blunt, and thats what I loved about her. I
started to think, maybe she was right. But I automatically stopped the
train of thought and said to myself, of course shes not right. How would
SHE know? Shes never been through it. I didnt know that for sure but
still, my eating disorder wanted a reason to not want to believe her.

I can see the number on the scale, the very small size on the
clothing thats too baggy to wear, the BMI proclaiming that I
should be thin; I even see the thigh gap. But I also see fat. I also
see the areas that need work. Its there, Im not just imagining it.
Maybe Im exaggerating it but its still there. Why cant I trust
myself when I clearly see something in the mirror with my own
eyes?

Dancing has always been a big part of my life. I had started the art
at age 3, and pursued it until age 16. The last few years, Id say around
13 or 14 until age 16, I began to feel really insecure about dancing. I
would start to doubt my skills, how good I was. I felt like everyone else
was better than me. I was determined to be one of the better dancers at
the studio. I would work out at school during my free time, I stretched
and did cardio at night after everyone else went to bed; I even went to the
gym often with a friend who was on a diet at the time. I wanted to stand
out. In the type of dances like contemporary, modern, lyrical, and ballet,
I felt a lot bigger than the other girls. My strive to lose weight only
became stronger and to look like them went to a whole other extreme. I
went from doing about 15 pushups, sit-ups, lunges a night to 1,000
16

jumping jacks, 100 lunges on each leg, 100 squats, and 100 sit-ups. It
was a nightly routine. I had to get this done at least once a day or I was a
failure. If I got lazy with my moves, I had to do 10 extra good ones to
make up for that one. I didnt mind it. It felt good to not be lazy all the
time and force myself to work out because I was never a big exerciser.
In February of 2012, I had gotten an oral surgery for my condition.
Because of this, I had lost about 10 more pounds since eating was an
issue while in recovery of my surgery. I had to drink lots of fluids, and
stay away from hard solid foods for a week or two. I had never expected to
lose so much, and when people started to notice, I felt even better about
it. I went back to dance and my teachers asked if I had lost weight, I got
so anxiously excited and said, yeah 10 pounds!
They looked at me, worried. I felt amazing. One of them looked at me and
said, thats not good and that made me even happier. Why? Because I
was sick. And I wanted people to know that I was sick. That I was better
than them. That I could push myself to do things that no normal person
could ever do. I was determined, and I was strong. Thats how I saw it,
anyways.
A few months went by and I continued my daily routine of
exercising, but soon after, purging came into play. I remember distinctly
on mothers day, we had had the holiday at our house, all my aunts and
cousins from my mothers side of the family. Everything I ate, I went
straight upstairs to get rid of it. My cousins were suspicious but they
didnt catch on. I then realized that I could eat whatever I wanted; I just
had to throw it up after. This became a habit. At school, I would buy
things like cookies, chips, black and whites, pop tarts and eat them all
during one class, then go to the bathroom to get rid of it all. At dance,
my mom would get a little suspicious of my lack of eating, so shed pack
me dinner for me to eat during my break at dance, since I was there
during dinner. I thought I could be strong enough to just throw it out,
but no. I was weak and I was pathetic. I ate every single bit of whatever
she had packed for me, whether it be pizza, pasta, etc. I then headed to
the bathroom and purged there. This was my routine every day, about 6
or 7 times a day for two months. One time at school, after throwing up
two milky ways I had binged on, I threw up something else as well.
Blood. A whole handful of bright red blood dropped into my hand and
into the toilet. I was terrified at first. Im never going to throw up again,
I thought to myself. And at that time, I meant it. Had I ruptured
something? Was it serious? I looked up the signs on Google. It said this
17

happens when you tear your esophagus. As scared as I was, though, I

did not mention this to anyone. My secret was more important than
hurting myself. It will heal, I told myself. And the next day I went straight
back to purging.
It wasnt working. I wasnt losing as much as I had wanted to. I
made myself a deal. I would not eat, and if I did eat anything, I would
throw it up. No matter what. This is what I did for a few weeks. At dance,
Id give away the dinners mom had packed for me, or throw them out. At
school, Id convinced my guidance counselor to take lunch off of my
schedule because I had wanted to do an extra academic class to receive
more credits. So that was off my mind, and I was proud of myself for
making it happen. Once I got home from school, Id sleep until after
dinner, and then have something small before bed just to assure my
parents that everything was fine.
Sometimes this would get incredibly overwhelming. I often felt
trapped, and alone. I was being controlled and abused by the one person
I should love myself. Many times I wished this had never happened to
me. I would punch the walls and scream and cry and kick, expressing
how badly I wanted to get out of my body. My ugly, chubby, body. I felt
uncomfortable in my skin. I wanted nothing more but to shed out of it.
Even losing a pound a day wasnt enough for me.
I was still cutting myself as well. Every time I ate something, I
would drag a broken piece of glass, a blade, anything I could find across
my skin. Youre stronger than this, you dont need food, you weak pig.
Look at yourself! You disgust me, youre a disgrace. No self-control.
None. Is what would keep replaying inside my head. I carved weak fat
ugly worthless onto my lower stomach.
Dancing just made me feel worse. I was never able to feel
comfortable enough to let dance show my inner emotions. I felt so selfconscious around the other girls. One time we went to Atlantic City for
the weekend for a competition. Although it was one of the best times Ive
ever had, looking back on it now, I realize just how miserable I actually
was. I would go to the gym for an hour or two at night with a friend; I
would order salads or nothing at all. I wanted to dance, but felt
embarrassed going on stage. I was obviously the worst dancer there, with
the biggest body. I just wanted to crawl inside myself and hide. This
affected my dancing. I felt I was never comfortable enough to really
dance just go through the motions because I felt I wasnt good enough.
My mom had realized something was up that weekend, she later told me.
So later in May of 2012, she brought me to a psychiatrist. I told her
18

everything because she had said that she wouldnt tell anyone else,
including my parents. Wrong. I guess I misunderstood. She said she
wouldnt tell my parents UNLESS it was harmful towards me or anyone
else. She told my mother everything. My mom, who was although very
upset, she was not very surprised, took me to Boston Market for dinner
after my appointment. I had not eaten that whole day, and I was
planning on fasting, but I didnt want to upset my mother so I ate mac
and cheese. When we got home, she told my dad, who was incredibly
surprised. The fact that I ate began to sink in. I started to cry, saying
that I had to throw it up, I just had to. MOM I HAVE TO THROW UP YOU
HAVE TO LET ME YOU DONT UNDERSTAND JUST THIS ONCE
PLEASE no THEN I HAVE TO CUT. I NEED TO. YOU NEED TO LET ME.
I CANT JUST NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PLEASE.
This went on for about two more hours. I started to calm down after that
and sob myself to sleep, my mother holding me like I was 3 years old.
May 27, 2012
Not being able to weigh myself or control what goes in and out of my
mouth is torturous. I want out.

Less than a week after my Sweet 16 party, I was admitted into a

psychiatric ward hospital because of my cutting. At this point, I was
having suicidal thoughts again. I packed a bag, and we headed down.
After hours of paperwork, I was admitted. I had to go through tons of
checkups just to go to my room to sleep. Surveys, questions, history
questions, family questions, then we moved on to body-checks. All my
clothes had to be stripped off yes, even my bra and underwear. I was
forced to remove all jewelry and body piercings- my bellybutton ring, all
my earrings. As I was standing bare naked, the nurse looked around,
making sure I wasnt hiding anything in my clothes, shoes, socks,
mouth, etc. I wasnt allowed to bring any of my own blankets, pillows, or
even my favorite pig stuffed animal, Piggy. There was nothing comfortable
about this place.
There were strange rules as well, stuff I would never even think of,
but I guess it was necessary for a place like this. We werent allowed to
have any strings on our pants, no rubber bands, no pens, only pencils
and some people werent even allowed to use pencils, you had to return
forks, spoons, and knives after you eat (even though they were plastic).
No gum, no candy, no soda, no other form of contraband. No shoes, only
19

socks with rubber strides on the bottom of the soles so you dont slip. No
cell phone, no computer, no electronics, no triggering books or kindles,
only two phone calls a day one in the morning, and one at night to
family members ONLY.
That night, I had a rough sleep. I was on 24-hour watch so I felt
uncomfortable with someone sitting by my door watching me as I fell
asleep. The beds were uncomfortable and they squeaked when you
moved. The light was also on in the hallway, and I sleep with all the
lights off. I missed my parents. I cried myself to sleep. In the morning I
was nervous. I wasnt going to know anyone and I didnt know how it
would be like, or how long I was staying.

I got discharged on a Wednesday, I got home but nothing seemed

to feel better for me. I cut myself three hours after I got home but this
time, it was bad. The tissue in my arm was now visible. The cut was
wide, like an open mouth. Blood was rushing down my arm, onto my
bed. I hadnt realized how badly I could hurt myself. I ran to the
bathroom and got a towel to hold in the blood. I ran downstairs; I had to
tell my dad what Id done. There was no way this could heal on its own. I
had to get stitches.
My parents took me back to the hospital. The doctors took one look
and said Yeah thats definitely got to be stitched. I was so shocked that I
began to shake. They poured a dirty yellow liquid on my arm, for
numbing, and then gave me a shot to add additional numbing. The
numbing worked well because I could barely feel it. I watched as they
closed up the gap in my forearm, like they were stitching a piece of
clothing together. 7 stitches.
When they told me I had to go back inpatient at the psych ward I
freaked out. I was balling, begging my mother not to let me go.
The second time I was here was more annoying than the first
because my parents had told the doctors and nurses about my eating
disorder, so there was no way to use behaviors. I had to eat. And I
couldnt even cut myself after I ate because they take everything away
from you. I tried everything- my fingernails, my pencil, I even hit my
shampoo bottle against my legs to bruise myself. Anything, I needed any
kind of feeling, or something to relief this stress I was experiencing.

20

Somerset Medical Center EDU

A week later, on June 21, 2012, they transferred me by ambulance
to Somerset Medical Center. The trip took 45 minutes, but it seemed like
10 because I slept on the way there. I got there at around 6 pm. My
parents and I had to go through tons of paperwork and sign lots of
things, and by the time I got all settled in, it was bedtime. This time, I
was allowed to bring in anything I wanted, basically. Blankets, pillows,
stuffed animals, pens, anything but mirrors. They already had one in the
bathroom and the main room, but it was from about our shoulders and
up. I would stand on the bed so I could see the rest of my body. But I had
to be careful; there were cameras in every room.
The next morning at breakfast, I met everyone. There were only 4
other people other than me. Three girls and one boy. I felt like I was the
fattest one there. I was so ashamed of myself. I was convinced that they
were looking at me, thinking, What is she doing here? She doesnt look
thin at all.

Each day, we had to write down everything we would eat that week
in our food diaries, which were kept in a huge blue binder that contained
information on eating disorders, what parents should do, inspirational
quotes and poems, daily schedules, etc. Instead of calories, we had to
keep track of exchanges. Food groups were broken up: proteins, fats,
starches, milks, desserts, fruits, and veggies. Depending on which level
of calories you had to intake daily determined how much of each category
you needed, all of which was shown on a huge chart (located in your blue
binder). I was on a gain-weight plan, as most people with anorexia are,
therefore I had to intake about 3,000 calories a day. When you first get
there, everyone starts out with 1,200, and then looking at our weight
each day, they decide when and how much to increase you. When I first
got there, 1,200 felt almost too much for me. So when they kept
increasing me, I got incredibly overwhelmed and cried in many sessions
with my therapist at Somerset. I kept looking for ways to purge without
getting caught, or hide food. I attempted to hide peanut butter in my
napkin when one of the supervisors left for a minute to get some other
patient a drink. When the meal was over, she called me over. She told me
what she had found and marked me incomplete for the meal, which I was
21

pissed off at because getting marked incomplete means you can get other
privileges taken away from you.
It became so hard with 3,000 calories a day that I was marked
incomplete at least once a day for a meal. Sometimes I would skip snack
because of how sick I felt.
I gained weight slowly. I had gained 4 pounds the first week of
inpatient, but I maintained for the next few weeks. Sometimes anorexics
get constipated and their bowel movements dont work properly because
of their lack of malnutrition. This never happened to me, at least not
when I was inpatient, but I lied to my doctor anyway just so I could take
a laxative twice a day. The laxatives that they give you arent really as
strong as a regular laxative, but I didnt care. Id use anything. At least it
was something.

Typical days at Somerset go by like this: Someone wakes you up; a

nurse, a counselor. She brings in her machine to check your vitals: blood
pressure, heart rate, etc. Groggy and irritated, you pretend to wake up
nicely and fine even if you are dizzy, even if you slept horribly, just
because youll be afraid theyll put you on bed rest or fall risk. Everyone
just loves wearing that neon yellow wristband saying FALL RISK on it.
Its quite a fashion statement. However you do feel inferior to other
patients. And for a while, you show it off. You make sure the other
patients see it. You wear it proudly, even though you dont want it.
After vitals, you go to the weighing room. Its basically where you
go to meet with your doctor, but they add a scale. Grab a gown; change
into it in the bathroom. Sometimes you leave on an undershirt or a bra
because youre too lazy to take it off. Sometimes you just leave it on in
hopes that it will boost your weight up a few ounces. While youre in the
bathroom, you pee. You open the door when youre done changing to
have the nurse check your pee (in case you didnt water load, which is
basically when someone drinks a great deal of water before they get
weighed so that their weight shows up a bit heavier than they actually
are.) The early morning nurse will say, OK, its on zero, meaning you
can step on the scale then. She makes a big deal about hiding the box
that shows the number, even though an hour later your doctor will tell
you your weight anyway. Change back to your clothes, leave. The next
person comes in. You may go back to sleep until breakfast, or take a
shower. I usually decide to go back to sleep.

22

They call in breakfast around 730, but it takes them until about
800 for them to actually get there. You sit and inspect your meal.
Mentally, you choose what you want to eat first. Everything but your
entre? Or entre first before everything else? You have one egg, a roll
with butter, two apple juices, one milk (whole because its easier to get
fats in that way) vanilla yogurt, and granola cereal. You are able to
choose two items to save for snack in case you dont finish it all in one
sitting. You decide to save the yogurt and the granola. As you are eating,
you will stare around the room at the other patients, or at the nurse who
is staring right back at you, making sure youre not using any food
rituals, or behaviors. You give the nurse a look that says What the
fuck are you looking at and she makes no change in her expression. You
turn away, feeling annoyed, defeated. You take a few deep breaths,
prepping for your next bite.

It became a game, it all became a game. The players were the

therapists, the patients, my parents, my friends. I will win the game, I
will die to win the game if thats what it takes. If I have to die getting
there, at least I will have gotten there.
July, 2012
Sometimes I think of how great life would be if I was happy and
carefree. And at that time, for a short while, I do want recovery. But
that fades away when I realize how much I really do appreciate Ed
and all that hes done for me.
I want out.
Yeah, I want recovery. But not anytime soon. I need more time with
Ed. I just want to reach my goal weight first and then Ill stop.
I dont really know what I want anymore. Sometimes I get so
confused because of my thinking and I dont know whos in my
head. I cant recognize my own voice from my eating disorders. and
sometimes I wonder if its really me who wants to keep my ED, or if
its just Ed speaking. Its scary because it used to be me that held
the control, but now its like he has control over me. And I cant help
it.
My urges to cut are coming up less and less. Im surprised. It only
comes a few times a day, when it used to be constant, always there.
I miss making myself bleed. I miss feel self-inflicted pain. Is that

23

weird? Well, I never said I was normal. My depression and suicidal

thought went away as well for the most part. Im also sleeping so
much better with this new medication.
July 11, 2012
Ed and I were fighting in the shower today. I looked at my
legs and stomach.
FAT. PREGNANT. DISGUSTING.
My thighs were huge and chubby. But then I tried fighting
back. And for a quick moment, I actually saw me the way
everyone else sees me. Maybe this is telling me that Im one
step closer to recovery.
I cant stand food. Its just getting worse and worse. Even if I
dont eat that much, my stomach physically causes me
immense pain and I feel like any second I could throw up right
then and there. Everyday gets worse. My stomach just cant
handle it anymore. It sucks.
When I found out I was going home, I was so excited. I couldnt
wait to finally go home, sleep in my own bed, play with my dogs, and just
live.

Partial Hospitalization Program Take 1

24

It was such a struggle being home, I wasnt used to the open

bathroom access, and the unplanned meals, and a scale that I could see
my weight on.
July 12, 2012; 16 years old
Its my first day at partial and its OK. Its something I can get
used to. I like it a lot better than inpatient. Im more
independent, more free. As for eating, it keeps getting worse.
My stomach pains keep me further and further away from
recovery. Its so frustrating. But Ed loves it because it shows
him that I dont even need food. I hate food even more than I
did before. But I need to show Somerset that Im ready to
leave.
I saw a commercial about all the starving kids in Africa. How
ironic it was that theyre uncontrollably starving, begging for
food, and were sitting here with all the food in the world and
choosing not to eat it.
July 13, 2012
Im writing really sloppy right now. Its uncontrollable. My
hands have been non-stop shaking ever since after lunch. My
stomach pains got worse and worse and I actually threw up
A LOT! Not on purpose though, just because I was so
nauseous. It was dreadful. I only like to throw up when Im in
control. Ever since then, I cant stop shaking. Not just my
hands but my legs and feet as well. I hope no one notices.
Ive been passing out lately a lot. I dont remember landing, I
dont remember how I got on the ground.
I skipped dinner tonight. My mom said she cant force me to
eat, and just walked away.
I try to push myself everyday, constantly fighting with myself.

July 22, 2012

I want to cut less and less but I want to restrict more and
more. I purged yesterday and I guess Im glad that Im still
able to. But something still feels very wrong. Ive been
triggered a lot by friends. I just dont feel right and Im getting

25

more confused. Im sick of my head begin so clear now all of a

sudden. Its scary. I wanna go back. I wanna stay sick.
August 1, 2012
It surprises/scares me how badly Ed wants to keep me sick.
Hes strong. Its almost comforting.
Whats more important? My surgeries or Ed?
August 2, 2012
I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to be sick, but I
dont want to be recovered.
August 3, 2012
It starts off as a friend, a comforting confidant, trying to help you.
But then it turns into manipulation and selflessness. What was once your
only control is now what youre controlled by. You know its wrong, but you
risk it anyway because youre too far in to just quit now. Sometimes you
might try going through the motions just to get by, each day thinking about
what you truly want. But as it starts to notice that you dont want it
anymore, it pushes even harder than it did before. You realize then that its
easier to stay this way, and its hard to lose a friend. Still, a small weak
part of you wants something more. More than lying and excuses. More
than denial and self-discipline. You start to begin to think that you deserve
it.
Now youre trapped in a room and the door is locked. The key is on
the other side. Sometimes, you make the effort to stick your hand
underneath the crack between the door and the ground, trying to get the
key. But your hand wont fit and it hurts trying to force it, so you just let
yourself be. Because its easier to stay in that little room. Its comfortable.

August 8, 2012
I want this. I want recovery. But no one seems to understand
how hard this is. Everyones just getting annoyed with me
because Im not trying hard enough, or Im not doing what
Im supposed to be doing. Its incredibly frustrating because I
want this more than anyone else wants it for me.
August 9, 2012

26

I had a really intense therapy session today. I want to push

away my issues for now just so I can focus on food and
completing but I could tell she disapproved. Was that not the
right answer? We talk about the same things everyday I dont
think its necessary anymore. She said keeping my issues
inside is whats keeping me sick, but I feel the opposite.
I would hate to look back on my life when Im older and
realize that Ive wasted all this time, missing out on important
things in my life. At least if I try, Ill know Ive done the best
that I can.

August 11, 2012

Today, Ive completed so far which Im proud of. But I just
miss being in my ED so much. The effects of starvation. The
feeling of accomplishment. The calming, comforting feeling.
The secret. Earlier today, I was so pro-recovery, meaning I
never want to go back to this ever again. But now Im
planning to just recover and then once my surgeries are over,
go right back. I dont want to waste my life with this, so I dont
know why I want to stay in this disorder. Arent the good
things about recovery supposed to outweigh the bad? I dont
want anyone to influence me in my decision whether its
positive or negative. I want to figure it out on my own, make
my own mistakes. So, for now, Im keeping it in the back of my
pocket to save for a day when I need it.
August 14, 2012
Im really struggling right now. I know Ive wasted my entire
summer because of this but I still feel like I need more time
with Ed. Im sick of trying and waiting. I want more time, not
ready for my life to start yet, just want to push pause. I just
want to rest. Just time to myself, away from parents, friends,
family, everyone. Take off my mask. Not talking to anyone. I
just need to go.
My feelings are never validated with my parents. I always
have to be proven wrong; I always have to have faults. My
feelings can never be just feelings. They have to be judged by
right or wrong. Theres always a but and no one ever listens

27

to me. No one actually listens to what I have to say and takes

it in. Im sick of this. I want to cut.
August 15, 2012
I think of how much easier it would be in school to go back to
behaviors and Im leaning more and more towards the idea.
Ive also been thinking about choices. Its scary how you can
choose whoever you want to be. Its making me anxious about
how big of a responsibility that is to take care of myself, and
choose the right thing for myself. I dont know why I set
myself up for failure.
I actually want to get discharged from outpatient just to make
things easier for myself and my eating disorder.
In nutrition group we had to write down 5 favorite foods. This
never occurred to me before, but I realize that nothing comes to
mind. I remember what used to be my favorite but not
anymore. I do not enjoy eating. I do not enjoy food. Anymore.
August 19, 2012
I dont want to feel anything. I dont want to move. I want to be
so exhausted that Ill be too tired to even think. I just want to
sleep without dreaming and keep sleeping.
I dont understand what makes me so terrible. Why do I
deserve this punishment? Constantly battling the voice in my
head, telling me Im fat and useless is enough punishment
isnt it? I guess not. I need to figure out why Im such a
burden. I must be doing something wrong. I must be terrible.
What a wasted life. Am I meant to do something in this world?
Or just cause everyone pain? Its back. The worthless feeling.
The need to cut. The hating of myself. Its all back. I am
mentally just done. Im finished with trying. Im sick of crying.
Im sick of having a personality. Im sick of putting on a mask
I have hit rock bottom and below. Just let me be. Can I just
disappear? Why not? Why must some things be impossible?
Why must the impossible be something I desire? I feel like a
lost soul sometimes. Like part of me is someone else. And I
belong somewhere else. Not here. Theres something too
comfortable yet too unfamiliar in my life. Am I crazy? Am I
mental? Am I going insane? People never believe others who

28

are crazy. But when you live in a world where no one

understands you, no one believes you, and no one seems to
care, you begin to lie. Even to yourself. To convince yourself
that theres a reason why no one wants to listen to you.
Maybe I really am crazy.
My feelings are unspeakable. Theyre evil. I dont want to feel
them, but I dont think I have a choice. I dont want to feel
nothing for the sake of others but I want to feel nothing for the
sake of myself. Am I being selfish? Ive been fighting this voice
inside me for so long. Ive been trying to ignore it, trying to
escape it, but I have given up.
I realize I am hungry.
But not for food.
Im hungry for patience.
Im hungry for understanding.
Im hungry for love.

August 20, 2012

I want them to give up on me so that I can give up on myself.
Im not sick enough, and I need to be. I fail at getting better,
and I fail at being anorexic. Nothing I do is right because
everything I do is wrong. I hate being forced to talk. I hate
being forced to eat. I hate being told what to do. I need space,
I need patience, and most of all, I need privacy.
August 24, 2012
Mostly I feel like I cant distinguish my ED from myself. I know
I call it Ed sometimes, but when Im in the moment, its hard
to think that Im not the one thinking those things.
August 26, 2012
Im really excited to be discharged from the hospital. And I
dont want to go back to inpatient, I dont need it. I really want
to go back to my eating disorder. I smiled a true smile just
before because I was xx lbs on the scale. I was expecting like
xxx or something. I truly believe that Ill be happier if I was
free, and able to do what I want. I want to be okay with
myself, happy, and accomplished. Im sick of feeling like a
failure. So most people might say that Im only going to make

29

myself more miserable, or that Im choosing to stay sick, or

that Im being manipulated by Ed. But this is what I want. Im
not letting Ed control me. But I do want him around to push
me. Maybe before, I was controlled and abused by him, but I
was weak then. Im stronger now, I call the shots.
I lost weight at partial. They were about to send me back inpatient,
but insurance wouldnt take me. My EKG came out negative, and so did
my blood so the doctors were confused as to why they wouldnt put me
back in. I took that and ran with it. I wasnt sick enough? Then maybe Ill
prove to them how sick I can be. But that thought didnt last long. I
wanted to get better, I really did. And I didnt want to miss the first few
weeks of my junior year of high school so I just decided to try for now,
and remember that if I needed it, Ed would be there just in case.

August 28, 2012

Today is the last day of php for me. I know Im not ready to leave
but I so want to. I want to go back to ED and Im excited. Its hard
being surrounded by those who want to get better. It makes me feel
guilty.
August 31, 2012
I want to eat. So bad. I want to have cheeseburgers and hot dogs
and macaroni salad with lots of mayo. I want a huge lobster tail
with shrimp scampi. I want to go to Fuddruckers and get a medium
rare burger with buttery buns and 3 big squirts of honey mustard. I
want McDonalds fries and chicken nuggets. But I just cant. Why
cant I? I dont want this anymore, I just want to be normal I dont
want my disorder. Wait I dont mean that. I love Ed shes done so
much for me I dont regret him I shouldve never said that Im sorry I
just dont understand, why cant I eat? Why do I have to be thin? Im
sorry I shouldnt question you, I trust you, I do.
There is a constant war going on in my head.
EAT. YOU CAN. YOUVE DONE GOOD.
But I CANT.
WHY NOT?????!!!!!!!!

30

Im trying today. Im really fucking trying to eat but I feel like

someones physically taking food out of my hand and
throwing it out. Ill keep trying but Im not sure what else to
do. I dont like being controlled. Not by anyone, not even Ed.

Overlook Medical Center Take 1

At Overlook, I began intensive outpatient program treatment. I

went here every Tuesday and Thursday for a few months in the beginning
of my junior year of high school. I stopped going to Somerset because
Overlook had an evening program, 3-7pm so I could still attend school.
September 13, 2012
My dad and I fought. LOOK AT WHAT YOURE DOING TO
YOUR MOTHER AND I!
I didnt want to hurt them.
October 12, 2012
Im getting so depressed and suicidal I just want to cut myself
and hurt myself so bad. I never want to eat again I just want
to give up and go back to get away from everything and
everyone. I FEEL SO FUCKING ALONE with no one to listen to,
except my ED. Its always there for me when no one else is.
Why would I ever give it up? Im sick of lying, Im sick of
pretending I just want to grow up already and skip these
years. Every day feels like an eternity. I might as well just be
dead. Ive never been so depressed in such a long time. I feel

31

like if someone were to try to convince me that they care about

me, I wouldnt be able to believe them. I guess I just dont feel
like I deserve it enough. Why would I? I deserve the pain. Why
else would I be feeling it? Im sick of expecting too much. Im
sick of being disappointed. I just wish I wasnt me right now,
why do I have to exist? Im pathetic.
October 29, 2012
Moms disappointed in me again. I can tell its because of Ed.

November 4, 2012
I feel strong and powerful for starving and spitting out food
secretly. I feel light and weak and I love it. That means Im
doing it right.
Starvation is so beautiful, starvation is so kind
you may think its torturous, you may think Im blind.
But what you dont realize is that starvation sets me free.
Starvation says Im allowed to love whoever I may be.
The smell of candles burning, the hot and melting wax,
counting every calorie, 500 at the max.
But if I were to go over, well thats simply not allowed
starvation helps me so that in the morning, Ill be proud.
Anxiety increasing rapidly by stepping on the scale,
The higher the number is, the greater chance I have to fail.
But starvation helps me succeed by keeping me so thin
I feel so light and beautiful, comfortable in my own skin.
It makes me feel at ease when Im able to see my bones.
Starvation gives me comfort so I never feel alone.
I dont need to eat, thanks to starvations help.
Im already gaining satisfaction by feasting on hunger itself.

November 12, 2012

32

Ive been feeling really depressed lately, like I want to

disappear. I would give anything to get a break from my life
right now. Im not sure as far as Ed. Sometimes I want nothing
to do with him, but sometimes I feel like I have no one else. I
want to lose weight.

November 13, 2012

My surgery is said to be scheduled next summer. I feel like I
cant go this long without some sort of escape or way to cope.
Im hungry. But its not a hunger I enjoy. Its a guilty hunger.
November 27, 2012
I quit. I need to stay thin, I just need to. Who cares about my
surgery? It can wait.
At this point, I really feel bad for my body. I want to cry. I am
so, so sorry. But I know that I have to stay professional. I
have to do this. Everything will be okay soon.

Enter the nurses room at Overlook.

What did you do this weekend?
Nothing, why?
Youre heart rate spiked
Is that bad?
Well its not good
I stay silent, trying to hide the grin that I want to spread all over my face.
The nurse puts a wrap on to check my blood pressure.
She shakes her head in disappointment and grabs the childrens size
wrap.
What did you eat today?
A sandwich I lied. I took my lunch hour off to work out in the weight
room.
Have you been drinking?
Yes
Your pee looks very dry.
Well I drank a lot today.
What did you have? she seemed suspicious. This got me defensive.
A water bottle

33

Thats it?
No thats just what I had for lunch
So all you had for lunch was a water bottle?
No I had that and a sandwich
Thats not what your test results show.
Are you calling me a liar?
I dont think youre being honest with yourself
Am I done yet?
Yep, you can go..
I want to slam the door in her fucking face. What a jealous bitch. I thought
shed be proud of me. I am strong, I have self-control. That is something
everyone lacks. Everyone wants what I have, and now that I have it,
nobody wants me to. Theyre all just jealous because they dont want me
to be better than them. Well guess what? I am. Screw them and what they
think.

Enter group therapy at Overlook.

Are you okay, Tori? I didnt hear her. I wasnt aware she was talking to
me. I felt as if I were in a dream. I can do whatever I want. I can stand on
the table and get naked and wake up in my own bed like nothing
happened.
Tori?
What? I jumped.
Are you doing okay?
Yeah why?
How are you Tori, hows everything going?
Good
Any struggles or things that you want to talk about?
No Im good.
Can you elaborate on that? Im beginning to sweat.
Yeah well um my moods been good I just want to recover, like thats all I
want.
That amazing. What made you have such a change in heart? My hearts
beating faster now.
Im just sick of all this shit. Im sick of being here, and I want to
continue to live my life
That sounds like a good goal. My head feels hot and heavy.
34

Yeah Im still shaking. STOP SHAKING.

You seemed pretty unmotivated last week.
Yeah well I changed. I catch my leg and try to hold it down so it stops
shaking.
How do you deal with the negative thoughts and the eating disordered
thinking? They wont fucking let it go.
I dont really get them anymore.
Wow that must be a miracle!
Yeah, I havent had them for months. I dont really feel like I have an
eating disorder anymore.

November 30, 2012

Its Friday. I did it. Ive been through a whole week of school without
completely breaking down. I told you I was strong. Im desperate to
believe the lies I tell myself every day because the truth is too
terrifying to face head-on. I want to feel numb. And in school, I do.
The only time when I feel like Im alive and heard and understood
and appreciated and wanted and important is in a hospital. Today
my dad made me breakfast. I threw it out. I thought about eating it
at first, I really did.
This is your chance, Tori.

December 3, 2012
Starting PHP today I bought a scale yesterday for $7, how
cheap. It said I was xx lbs. I hope it was right. Thats my
lowest weight so far this year. Somehow I dont feel as
accomplished.
I crack my knuckles and stare at the clock. Crackcrackcrack.
My fingers shake as they ache when I hold them down and
wait for that stress-relieving sound to relieve my tension. 15
minutes. Only 15 minutes left of the 45-minute meal and Ive
barely touched my entre. I feel the nurses eye-balling me as
I stare deeply at my food, with such a pure hatred that even I

35

could not comprehend. It was ruining me. Food was evil and
Ed was the demon that made sure I felt this way about a
simple sandwich. Its only a sandwich, its only a sandwich
on bread on meat just eat it its just a sandwich who cares I
do no you dont yes I do you can do it no you cant its fine its
absolutely not fine you are disgusting and weak I cant believe
youd even think of eating that.
I put my meal back on my plate and breathe loudly. I cant
do this, I dont want to do this, I dont want recovery, fuck
this and fuck everything and everyone.

I had a meeting with my doctor the following day. She had told me
the importance of being healthy for my surgery, and the fact that I was so
malnourished, that it wouldnt be likely for it to even be possible. I at
least had to be xxx lbs minimum. This didnt scare me. I already knew
this. What she had suggested to get a move on with my weight and
nourishment was inpatient, a higher level of care. I was mad, but I had a
feeling shed say that because I hadnt been progressing and I was losing
weight. I have no idea how; I was eating so much damn food!
Another thing she suggested was a G tube. It sounded okay as she was
explaining it. Many patients have found it helpful and a relief from
working too hard trying to eat. I soon realized that she was talking
about a feeding tube.
My white blood cell count was extremely low, along with other lab results
that proved my extremity of malnourishment. I couldnt stop crying. I
had not realized how sick I actually was.
January 10, 2013
Im losing my motivation. I want to keep to myself. Everything is just
so exhausting. Fighting with myself is exhausting, using behaviors
is exhausting, and being in recovery is exhausting. Lose/lose/lost
situation. Im making a lot of progress. My weight is being restored.
My vital signs are good. I dont want this. This is uncomfortable.
Progress is uncomfortable. I feel like everyones trying to push me to
be who I used to be. I just want to be who I am, even though I dont
really know who I am right now.

36

January 11, 2013

I weigh xxx. I cried. I promised myself I wouldnt eat dinner. But I
did. Something inside me wants to get better.
January 18, 2013
I feel like Im in someone elses body. I just want to scream out
loud to everyone, DONT YOU SEE? DONT YOU SEE THIS
ISNT WHO I AM? IM NOT FAT I PROMISE!!
January 21, 2013
I CANT finish lunch I just cant. I cant stop crying I want to go
home I want to go home.
January 22, 2013
I feel like Im too fat to live. I cant live like this. Recovery is
TORTURE. I dont know what to do. At all. I cant find
anything positive about recovery. I feel so much worse now
than I ever did in my disorder. Im mentally exhausted. Im
scared of being healthy. Its uncomfortable. Im stuck. My mind
is getting worse.
January 23, 2013
This place is literally torture. I started to cry during lunch. I
didnt complete. I need to go home. They wont let me. I feel
like I am literally in a jail. I have to get out of here. I need to
escape. This is torture I need to leave.
January 25, 2013
I guess I am just going to lie to get out. This place is crazy and
its driving me insane. I need to get back to ED.

January 31, 2013

Every single person I look at, everyone that walks by, I
estimate their weight. Its an obsession. I hate it but I love it at
the same time. It keeps me in check. I hate this love-hate
bullshit. I want to either love it or hate it. Not both at the same
time. This isnt fair.

37

I feel like a certain weight is whats normal to me and not

being able to weigh that anymore scares the shit out of me.
Like Im not allowed to be that weight ever again without
being in a hospital.
Logically, I know exactly what I want. Emotionally, I know
exactly what I want. They dont match though.
Having a clear mind, you can feel guilty. Having a sick mind,
you dont feel anything. Thats why its easier to be sick. I feel
like it would be easier to recover if I wanted to eat. In the
beginning of my disorder, I wanted to eat, I just went against
it. But that changed. I guess I got so used to not eating that I
never got hungry. And now its so hard to want food. I thought
for so long that food is the enemy but is it us thats the
enemy? Sometimes I feel like my ED is the good side of me
and IM the one pushing myself towards death.
I want to get better, just not yet. Ive not had enough time with
Ed. And I dont know, I just cant let go of the fact that I might
lose Ed forever. And that terrifies me. I also dont want to be
struggling like this forever. And that also terrifies me. Im not
sure a time will come where Im ever going to want to get
better. I feel like Im always going to keep feeling like I want
more time with my ED.
My last day of PHP is tomorrow.

February 11, 2013

Today is my first day back at school. My body image is
terrible. I dont know how Im going to live like this. I want to
go back so bad. I dont know how Im going to get by in school
without Ed.
Ive thought about it. My disorder its my life. Its my entire
life. I let it consume everything. My life is changing and being
scheduled around my eating disorder. Its taking away my
freedom, my independence, and my privacy. But it gives me
so much more. This is too hard. And I am tired both mentally
and physically, too tired to keep pushing myself like this. Its
not fair. I dont want to hurt the people I love but I have no
other choice.
February 13, 2013

38

I dont know who I am without Ed. I dont want to know. Im

scared. School is getting easier without Ed and I dont want it
to. I want it to be hard. But I also want to be happy with
myself and my body.
I cant stop thinking that when I was my lowest weight, I was
so much happier. But I wasnt. I was miserable. Why cant I
see that? Why cant I realize that even if I were 0 pounds, I
will still never be happy? Why is it about a number? Why is
that stupid number so fucking important!?!?!?

February 15, 2013

Trying to convince myself why purging isnt the answer, that
I want to stay in school and not go back to PHP. But honestly, I
dont know how much more of this I can take before I
completely fall backwards. All the progress Ive made wouldve
been for nothing and that scares me. But not being able to go
to my ED anymore scares me more.
February 17, 2013
I fought with myself at breakfast this morning. I convinced
myself that I should eat for ME and not in spite of my parents.
I guess Im just not ready yet. I am so mentally exhausted that
I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like my
life isnt worth living beyond the walls of a hospital. I want to
cut. I want to feel again. I hate this. I hate it so much. And
theres no way out. Im beginning to hate my parents. Im
beginning to hate myself again. Its suffocating. I dont know
where to go or what to do with myself. Nobody understands.
My mom said that if I keep refusing to eat, that I will get my
freedom taken away but what she doesnt realize is that not
having to eat IS freedom.

February 21, 2013

I cant describe the mood Im in right now. Maybe I can live
without ED. I dont know. My mind changes constantly.
Tomorrow I will probably be saying I want to go back to Ed.
Who knows what I really want. Maybe I do want Ed. But I
know that the prize to win the game is death. I dont want to

39

die. I just want to see how far I can go. Its already been a
minute and Ive already changed my mind. I want Ed.
Im xxx pounds. Im leaving IOP next Thursday.

February 28, 2013

Today is my last day of IOP.

So how are you? My guidance counselor in school sent me a pass

during my study hall. Ms. Kenny was always sweet. Short blond hair, the
click-clack of her heels made me anxious. I hadnt talked to her the whole
time I was in PHP.
Im good. I lied. I had never lied to Ms. Kenny before. I felt guilty. But Ed
was proud. Good job, she commended me. I was doing something right.
I continued.
Really? She seemed suspicious. The last time I talked to her was last
week and I had told her everything.
Yeah I mean Im doing a lot better than last week.
How so?
I dont know, I explained. I didnt really know much of anything
anymore, so that part wasnt really a lie.
Suspiciously, she told me she didnt believe me.
Why not? I asked innocently.
I just get a feeling...
Well Im telling the truth. I lied.
Are you restricting?
No.
Are you purging?
No. I made a face.
How many times a day are you purging?
Im not.
Okay She wasnt convinced.
March 7, 2013
I was in a really bad place last night. I didnt finish dinner,
and I had a boost instead. I feel guilty. Im going backwards.
Last night I couldnt find motivation whatsoever. I began to get

40

angry with myself. Didnt I want my surgery? Didnt I want to

stay in school and out of program? Yes, but was that enough?
I dont know. Maybe Ill never know. Today I feel better. But
sometimes I just cant take it. I need to get out of my own
head. I need to run away from it. But I cant. Its always with
me. Do I deserve it? Sometimes I feel I do. I dont know.

Youve lost 3 pounds.

I smile. I pulled it off. I did it, I really did it.
Its only been 4 days, Tori, what did you do? My therapist at overlook
asked me.
Nothing! I swear!
Come on, now. I wasnt born yesterday.
I really didnt do anything, I dont know what happened. I knew I wasnt
getting away with this, but I didnt know what else to say. I wasnt just
going to admit what I did.
So what behaviors did you use?
I didnt do anything!
She called my parents in the room and informed them of my weight. They
seemed worried.
Youre not eating lunch in school, are you? My mom asked.
No, Im not. I confessed.

41

April 21, 2013

I watch myself get undressed in the large bathroom mirror. I
turn the water on hot all the way. I see my body, my big,
womanly body. It scares me. A sense of fear strikes through
me. I dont want to look like a woman. I am still a child, arent
I? I mentally dissect every centimeter on my body. My
collarbones are visible. I grab onto my left collarbone like the
steering wheel on my bike. Not thin enough the voice says.
My arms come next. Thick and muscular. So muscular, my
dad always mentions. I start to tear up.
My stomach. I turn to the side and squeeze in. I count my ribs.
How much weight did I gain from dinner? How much did I lose
from purging?

May 10, 2013

Vomiting until I puke bile means Im doing it right. Getting
dizzy spells means Im doing it right. Getting hunger pains
again and ignoring those means Im doing it right. My fear of
gaining weight is more intense than my fear of dying. I am
attracted to what destroys me.
May 11, 2013
Time stands still. Im stuck. Trapped. My mind racing so fast, I
cant keep up. Stomach feels bloated and sick. My brain is
spinning around and around. My heart beat stops than starts
than stops again. I cant control the way I feel. I cant control

42

anything anymore. I want it to stop. My head is pounding. I

dont want to hurt my body anymore.
May 14, 2013
I have no friends anymore besides those who are involved
with Ed. Ive come to the heartbreaking realization today, just
before I took 4 diet pills. It hurts. Im probably leaving school
again to go into PHP. Will anyone from school even notice or
care? I doubt it. No one likes me, not even my teachers.
May 19, 2013
The scary part is, I can feel myself wasting away. As I walk, I
fade in and out. My mind blanks often. I forget what Im doing
or where Im going. I feel invisible but at the same time I feel
like the big fat elephant in the room.

May 23, 2013

Today is my first day of PHP. At Somerset.
May 31, 2013; 17 years old
I keep having mental breakdowns. I dont want Ed anymore
but Im holding on tight for dear life. After Michaels wedding, I
dont know what to do with myself. Ed wants me to die from
this. Me? Im just sick of trying. I dont know what I want.
June 4, 2013
I am inpatient. I just cant eat. Ive never felt this way before. I
actually want to eat so bad, I just cant. Ed wont let me. And
Ed is so strong. Im not so sure Ill be able to escape this
tangled web this time. Its scary. I want my mom.
Im afraid that once I start eating, Ill never stop.
June 5, 2013
Im sick of being sick. But theres something that attracts me to
it. Its so addictive & makes me feel so special. I love it and I
dont know how to live without it.

43

If I cant be the smartest girl in the room, and I cant be the

prettiest girl in the room, maybe I can be the thinnest girl in
the room.
Being skinny will give me the acceptance to be normal.
Hating my body is easier than hating God for making me
look different.

June 7, 2013
I hate myself for what I am doing to my family and I want to
take it out on my body.
June 8, 2013
They say its not about the food or weight but it really feels
like it is. I really do hate my body and my weight. It makes no
sense because although I hate my weight, I know that no
matter how low it gets, I will never be happy. I will never feel
good enough.
June 9, 2013
Today they put me on bed rest.
June 10, 2013
Do the urges ever go away? Do you ever become fully cured?
When youre using behaviors, you get lost in it like you cant
get out of it. Even if you dont want to use behaviors you cant
stop.
I feel absolutely disgusting in my body. I cant eat. I dont
want to. I dont like food. I dont need it. Im stronger than
these people. Im not going to eat even if it kills me. Am I ever
going to stop feeling the urges to hurt myself? I really am
trapped. I really cant control this disease anymore. It comes
out when it wants to, however strong it wants. I love it, but
hate it at the same time. I need it, I crave it. I cant live without
it. Ironic how the very thing thats killing me is whats also
keeping me alive.
June 15, 2013

44

I feel like I am suffocating in my huge, chunky body. Im

trapped and I cant find my way out. Please help. Someone?
Anyone?

June 17, 2013

Usually when someone feels guilty, it means you did
something wrong, or felt as if you did something wrong.
Whats so wrong about feeding myself and keeping me alive?
Eds comforting voice whispered, Im still here.
June 25, 2013
Im going home from inpatient today Next Thursday is my
evaluation at Denver (residential). Im nervous.
June 26, 2013
My first night home in almost a month was just OK. I had
really strong urges that I wasnt expecting. No, I didnt act on
them. But I wanted to. I feel like Im going backwards. I feel
worse depression wise and I feel a lot less motivated as well. I
feel stuck again. I dont know where to turn to next. I know
that if I dont go to residential, Ed will take over. But even if I
do go, Ed will still want me to back to him afterwards. Hes so
hard to resist. I have to remember that even if its hard, its not
impossible. I get to make the choice in the end, not Ed.
June 27, 2013
Some days I am very sick of Ed. Sick of being sick. But at the
same time, I feel like I never had enough time with him. I dont
want him to leave me just yet. Im afraid that if I go on without
him much longer, hell forget about me and be mad or
something and wont be there for me anymore when I need
him. Its so strange thinking of him as something separate
from me, because when Im in the moment, he sounds so
much like me its crazy.

July 15, 2013

Ed: Theyre not listening to you, Tori. No one cares, they all
expect you to be sick, so thats what you need to be. Get back

45

at them by using your behaviors again. This is your last

chance before residential! Come on, Ill show you how. Its
easy.

July 17, 2013

Ive been having really strong urges to purge and restrict and
exercise. I dont know why. Maybe its because Im so
frustrated with everyone for not listening to me & giving me
the credit I deserve for conquering my EDs thoughts. My team
doesnt trust, nor believe in me, and neither do my parents.
Im starting to lose faith in myself. Its scary. Before I felt like I
wasnt in control. I was so close to bending over the toilet seat
and sticking my fingers down my throat but I talked myself
out of it. I feel so alone. Its me against everyone.
July 31, 2013
Friday is my last day of IOP and Im going back to see my old
outpatient team. I feel good about it. I can finally put the past
behind me and move on with my life. A big weight has been
lifted off my shoulders for once in a long time.
August 5, 2013
This is it. This is my life and this is how its going to be from
now on. No more hospitals or doctors. No more sick
roommates. No more people that are worried for you, or
looking out for your health. This is what being healthy is like,
Tori. Do you like it? I knew you wouldnt. You miss me, dont
you? You need me.
August 8, 2013
Today at dinner I ate so much I thought I was going to puke. I
had such a strong urge to. I fought it but I know that next time,
if Im alone, I wont be able to. Its scary cause they havent
been this strong in a long time.
Its true. I love feeling happy so then why do I want to feel
sad?
August 12, 2013

46

I am on vacation with my aunt. Mom said that if Im xxx or

higher I get to stop seeing my nutritionist.

August 15, 2013

Why do I keep making exceptions to my own rules? I keep
telling myself that I will allow myself to relapse one more
time and then get better, but that one time turns into a bunch
of times and I never just stop and say, okay youve had your
one time, now thats it. But this time is different. I really think
that all I need is just one more time.
August 29, 2013
I barely ate all day today. I weighed myself this morning. I felt
nauseous and weak and I had diarrhea. I started shaking.
This is how you like it, Tori remember? Dont you love it! Dont
you miss me? I want to scream back, NO I DONT. I WANT
MY LIFE BACK. I WANT EVERYTHING BACK. YOU TOOK
AWAY EVERYTHING.
I dont want to live this way. Its never going to end. Youre
stuck with me forever until you reach your goal.
Why? Why do I have to reach an unrealistic goal that I will
never be satisfied with?
No trust me. Just reach this one goal and then you can be
finished with me. It will be fun, I promise.
Okay, Ed. I believe you. Just one more time
September 1, 2013
I cant eat. Im on my way back to Somersets Emergency
Room because I havent eaten in 48 hours. They put me on an
IV.
Dont you love this? Dont you love me? I got you all the way
back into the hospital AGAIN. Youre so strong, Tori.
No. Look at what I am doing to my family! Im ruining
everything. Im going to end up in residential and not be able
to graduate with my class. Im going to miss out on
everything. Look at what youre doing to me!
Itll all be okay soon, I promise. Just reach your goal and then
you can get rid of me. Youre doing good keep it up, Tori!

47

September 23, 2013

Im back at the psych unit at St. Clares Hospital. Lately Ive
been feeling suicidal and urges to cut have been intense. I
began to have anxiety attacks at school. There are lots of
people here.
What are you in for? I ask.
I took a pill and everyone flipped out and thought it was a
suicide attempt. Were all desperate to believe that were not
crazy. Not to fool you... we are.
How am I supposed to eat when I feel so fat? How am
supposed to go on living this way? I only ate a few bites, yet I
feel so disgustingly full. Im sick of being different.
I cant believe Im here again
September 24, 2013
My life has become having puke breath become one of the only
tastes in my mouth I allow myself to have. My life has become a
place where the hospital is my home, jumping from facility to
facility, desperate to feel better, even though I know Im the only
one keeping myself sick
September 25, 2013
Walking around like a zombie feels so satisfying. I want to laugh
at everyone whos weaker than me. You cant do what I can do.
Youre not strong enough. I am! Haha just look at me!
Eating my first meal in 3 days:
Ed: Do you know how many calories are in that!?
Ed: What are you doing?!
Ed: Youre such a screw up.
September 29, 2013
I still cant eat. I try, but my stomach hurts and I dont even
want to. I want to not think for a while.
October 1, 2013
My mom just walked in on me puking my lunch She left but
I cant stop feeling like I need to get it all out. Then getting
caught wouldve been for nothing.

48

October 7, 2013
Im on the plane to Colorado for residential. How did I get
myself here?

Eating Recovery Center Take 1

October 8. 2013
Today has been rough and hectic.
October 12, 2013
I had an anxiety attack after dinner today and was unable to
complete my meal. Afterwards, we all had to share what we
were feeling. How could I say what I felt? FAT. DISGUSTING.
UPSET. ANNOYED. ANXIOUS. ANGRY. UNOCMFORTABLE.
GUILTY. How could I explain all of this without completely
breaking down? This is so hard. I give everyone here so much
credit because this is hell and back 100 times! I felt helplesslike this is never going to end and I am never going to get
better. But after talking to my mom, I came to the conclusion
that it was only one meal. I can do this. Im not giving up this
fight.
October 15, 2013
Today marks one week since Ive been here in Denver. Dinner
tonight was really challenging. My body is repulsive to look at.
I try to distract myself but I cant help thinking how skinny I
used to be and what it will take to get there again. Do I really
want that though? Or is it Ed that wants it for me? I wish I
knew and my head was clear. It was a lot easier when I
wasnt so aware of my emotions.

49

October 16, 2013

Today was a really rough day. I cried a lot. Im not really sure
why. I cant help but feel bad for myself. How did I get myself
here?
October 18, 2013
Yesterday I got sick after lunch unintentionally. My team
doesnt think Im trying hard enough, but my peers are really
supportive. I feel guilty for not completing my meal, but I just
get so nauseous I cant take it. My stomach hurts so much if I
eat too much, Ill just explode and throw up everywhere. I
really dont want to have to do that. Disappointing my team is
hard, but disappointing my peers is even harder. I dont want
to trigger anyone or hurt their recovery. Ive been given so
many chances with my team and I just keep messing up every
chance I get. Even if I wanted recovery, Im proving to
everyone else that I dont deserve it. I dont want to bullshit
this process because it means so much to me but I feel like I
have no choice. I want to prove to everyone, including myself,
that I want this, but its just so hard. Everyone acts like its
easy to just eat but its one of the hardest things Ive ever
had to do. I just want to go home. I miss school, my family, my
friends. No one understands what a challenge this is for me. I
respect my team and their decision to put me back on level 1
because I deserve it, no doubt. However, it just seems as if Im
being punished for trying so why should I even try? This is so
frustrating and confusing I just wish I could go back in time
and never come here in the first place.
November 4, 2013
I dont feel good. I feel numb and sad. I just want to sleep
forever. I feel so out of place. I dont want to be here. I dont
want this to be my home. I dont want this to be comfortable
for me. I want to not exist. Why is this happening to me?
November 5, 2013
Lately Ive been feeling distant and disconnected from
everything and everyone. Especially myself. Im not in tune

50

with my thoughts or feelings, but at the same time, Im not

sure I want to be.
November 10, 2013
I threw up again tonight. So disappointed in myself. I wish I
could just eat normally without throwing up. Why does food
make me so sick? Its like my body is purposely rejecting it. it
must be a sign. I dont want recovery but neither does my
body.
November 12, 2013
I have not completed one meal so far today. My nausea has
never been this bad.
Ed: Remember when you used to purposely bruise myself on
my legs? I do. Do you remember the way it felt? What about
where you were? The bathtub. I bet you dont remember what
you used you do? Did you ever think youd come this far?
How do you feel? Are you satisfied yet? Of course not. Youll
never be hahahahaha!
November 14, 2013
Seeing my parents yesterday was great! Its just hard having
to tell them every time I get sick. Yesterday I purged twice
Im so mentally and physically exhausted all the time.
November 15, 2013
Today my parents left. I havent cried that hard in so long.
November 17, 2013
I feel everyone judging me. When I walk, theyre saying, Oh
my god, look at her. Look how fat shes getting. Shes losing
control. Its embarrassing how she thinks she looks fine when
she doesnt.
November 19, 2013
I purged 3 times today. I am so overly done. I want to go
home. I want my mom. My stomach, throat, nose and
everything hurts. Ive puked my brains out. Theres no energy

51

or anything left in me. I just want to go to bed and sleep

forever until things are okay again.
November 22, 2013
I look at my right wrist and notice that its clean and free of
any scar or blemish. I think about how good it would feel to
take a blade to it. But why would I do that after all this time? I
dont need to, I wont, But Tori, it will feel so good! You know
it will.
I look at myself and get so disappointed. How did I let myself
get so out of control? How could I have been so stupid? You
know better than to get better. Who do you think you are?
Theres no life for you without me. Get a grip!
November 23, 2013
Why is it so hard for me to just eat? Its simple. Its a way of
keeping myself alive. Why is that so difficult for me?
Its getting really hard to keep fighting. As you can probably
guess, I got sick AGAIN tonight after dinner. Whats the point?
My ED wants me so bad, how can I just walk away?
November 26, 2013
Im trying so hard but I just cant do it. Im not strong enough. I
cant do it. These people are so special and strong and Im
weak and pathetic. I cant even perform a simple function
eat. Not in any sense of the word can I do this. Not physically,
nor emotionally. Im going to die from this and its very
upsetting because its not what I want. But its just something
Im going to have to accept.
November 27, 2013
How can I feel so safe with something so deadly?
November 30, 2013
Surgerys on! Leaving ERC on Monday. Today is Saturday. I
will be back. Im excited to get out of here and use my phone
for a few days! Yesterday was also the first day I didnt get
sick in a while, which is amazing. Im so lucky I get to proceed

52

with my surgery, so I really need to take advantage of the

help I am receiving.
December 6, 2013
I am currently in Boston Childrens Hospitals waiting room. I
saw my weight I am xxx. How did I let myself get so fat?
December 10, 2013
Finally leaving the hospital today, then going back to Denver
tomorrow!
December 18, 2013
Today was my first day at Partial Hospitalization Program
(PHP) in Denver. I completed all my meals today so far! Yay! It
feels good to be back in such a supportive environment.
December 25, 2013
Today is Christmas
My eating disorder is desperately trying to pry its way back
into my life as it searches for triggers anywhere I go.
December 27, 2013
Dear Ed, I am so sorry, but I will have to leave you behind. I
honestly dont know how I will live without you. But I will try.
December 31, 2013
Its the last day of the year I threw up my breakfast this
morning on accident for the first time in over a month I feel
awful
I cannot let this ruin my day.
Today I had lunch on my own. A sink, garbage can, a
window. So many opportunities to get rid of my food but I
didnt. The garbage can called to me twice, but I ignored it.
Im scared of going back to school and how things will be in
the cafeteria.

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