Matty Groves, Incorporated

To the tune of: Matty Groves, traditional ballad (one version available at
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1it7BP5PckI, but the full song is much longer).
For equity, for equity
The fiscal year to fund
The Matty Groves investment plan
No longer could be shunned.

Matty Groves had a CFO

Who ne'er was caught asleep
He knew the tricks of the finance trade
A wiz at the spreadsheets.

"Pay up, pay up," the debtors cried

"Pay up or head to court;
By cash or assets, no damn tricks
We won't take naked shorts."

But how to grow the Matty Groves

And how to make it thrive?
To bring its value up from low,
And reach its peak so high?

He shoved the data right and left

And up and down the rows
He counted all the assets up
And saw how they could grow.

"We won't pay up; we can't pay up;

We've no cash for amends,
But if you'll take some shares of stock
You will get dividends."

The articles will authorize

The different types of stock
And with a plan to publicize
Investors soon will flock.

If you would grow by slow and sure

Common stock's your path.
Control each share, and have no care:
Avoid all public wrath.

"I'll take that stock if it's preferred

With dissolution rights.
My future gains may be deferred
But they'll come back some night."

The founders and their friends may have

If you would grow more fast and bold,

Preferred stock is the way.
Draw investors in huge crowds
By granting rights for pay.

"And if this comp'ny goes to hell

I shall be paid back first.
And if it grows so very well
Then I shall be no worse."

And if you would grow bigger still

Then public you could be
List all the actions of your till
For anyone to see.

So Matty Groves distributed

And the CFO, he swore
For all the work was his by bid;
He typed 'til he was sore.

The SEC is long of arm

And writ with many rules;
If public you would be by choice,
I pray you, be not fools.

He wrote up each certificate

Named Matty Groves and the state,
Then wrote in the recipient
And described the rights and rates

Matty Groves, Inc, had much to think

And would consider all
And as they measured all the plans,
Their debtors came to call.

And then he brought them to the board

To be signed, two by two
To be released out in the world
To their investors new.

Some common stock in shares

And some may vote and some may not
And that is just and fair.
Uncommon stock is called "preferred"
And it grants rights and clout:
Convert, redeem, and veto votes
In shares all parceled out.
Conversion rights allow a change:
Preferred to many common,
Redemption rights can force their pay
Without resort to lawmen.
The stock can carry voting rights
Of many varied types
Seats on the board, or extra votes,
Or veto of their dislikes.

Then Matty Groves the market joined

And loudly made the call
And issued stock as it had coined
For profit to them all.

Matty Groves, Inc. Ltd.

For equity, for equity
The fiscal year to fund
The Matty Groves investment plan
No longer could be shunned.

SPOKEN: After the number-crunching was

over, their debtors realized they were on the
verge of actually making money, and came
to call.

But how to grow the Matty Groves

And how to make it thrive?
To bring its value up from low,
And reach its peak so high?

"Pay up, pay up," the debtors cried

"Pay up or head to court;
By cash or assets, no damn tricks
We won't take naked shorts."

SPOKEN: In the interests of brevity, I'll leave

out some of the more disposable parts of the
song. Like the part describing all the
different kinds of preferred stock. All 47
verses of it.

"That preferred stock will do us well

So we shall be paid first
And if your comp'ny goes to hell,
Than we shall be no worse."

Matty Groves had a CFO

Who ne'er was caught asleep
He knew the tricks of the finance trade
A wizard in the 'sheets.
SPOKEN: Spreadsheets, of course. What did
you think I meant?
(TUNE CHANGES SLIGHTLY:)
He was an expert genius and
he rewrote all the programs
but he always got results that looked like these:
"You need little teeny eyes
for reading little teeny print
Like you need little teeny license plates" you
get the idea
OR:
His 80 board was way too slow;
'twas enough to give him fits
The 09 wasn't fast enough,
so he went to 16 bits;
(FASTER) 68 and Z8000 and an 86 as well
And his code compatibility went straight to
you get the idea.

SPOKEN: Stupid banking twits. But rich stupid

banking twits, so there is that.
Again, in the interest of brevity, I will leave out
the part where the CFO takes his own sweet
time writing up all the different stock
certificates.
So Matty Groves distributed
And the CFO, he swore
For all the work was his by bid;
He typed 'til he was sore.
Then Matty Groves the market joined
And loudly made the call
And issued stock as it had coined
For profit to them all.
-------------The moral of the story: Be rich.
If you can't do that, buy low, sell high.
And if you can't do that, try to keep it down to
five or six verses, huh?