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Mallorys
Story
Battling cystic
fibrosis is tough.
But Mallory Smith
is determined to
live happy.
MALLORYS BLOG
DIMINISHING RETURNS
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Stanford hospital. When I moved back
up to northern California, I enjoyed a nice
period of stability in which I was able
to see friends daily, work a lot, frequent
the gym, spend days outdoors and nights
out with the people I love, and adjust to
life in a new city. Still doing home IV
antibiotics for 4 hours three times a day,
plus breathing treatments 24 times a
day (totaling about 3 hours), plus visiting
Stanford for medical appointments every
two weeks, my medical regimen still kept
me busy. But for a few months, I took
some deep breaths. My new lease on life
tamed the anxieties and fears that had left
me wrecked with insomnia during my
months of sickness in Los Angeles.
A few hospitalizations for hemoptysis coughing up blood began to set
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Then, in mid-May, in a shocking turn of
events, my doctor took me off all IV and
oral antibiotics not because I was finally better, but because I was resistant to all
of them and my progress had stagnated. It
was a case of diminishing returns. Since
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(that was evident based on findings both
in vivo and in vitro), removing them all
would be a sink or swim trial. It would
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me to stay out of the hospital for more
than a few weeks while off antibiotics.
It would also be a forced rest period for
my bugs, hopefully allowing my chronic
bacterial infection a chance to become
sensitive to the drugs again.
I got two good weeks. Between May 11
and May 25, I had a good friend visit from
Oregon, walked 24,000 steps in a day during Bay to Breakers, gazed up at towering
redwoods in Muir Woods, ate waterfront
to realize that coming in such close contact with my own mortality had changed
both nothing and everything, Kalanithi
wrote. Before my cancer was diagnosed,
I knew that someday I would die, but I
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I knew that someday I would die, but I
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acutely.
Kalanithi hits the nail on the head of
one of the more frustrating aspects of trying to make the most of whatever amount
of time we may have. The most obvious
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to achieve a host of neglected ambitions.
Part of the cruelty of cancer, though, is
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limits your energy, vastly reducing the
amount you can squeeze into a day
Some days, I simply persist. Some days,
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***
In this time of tumult and uncertainty,
I weigh the changes I may soon face
against the risks of not making those
changes. Just upstairs from my own hospital room, a dear friend lies intubated,
the ventilator robbing her of her ability
to speak. My heart breaks for her. Her
situation provides a staggering example
of how quickly things can change for
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always finds us.
A few weeks ago, on a night when I
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But it reminded me of the way to move
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any certainty, we should just assume that
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living.
To read more, visit https://medium.
com/@mallorybsmith
coverstory
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Cystic fibrosis is
really not a visible
illness. If anybody saw
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be very surprised,
because I still look
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experiences in my life
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for the people around
me to comprehend
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with my life and to
understand the impact
of each of my current
hospitalizations on my
long-term prognosis
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