BOOK REPORT

His Needs, Her Needs

Willard F. Harley
Baker Publishing Group, 1986
By
Brittany Bagatya
FAMILIY MINISTRIES SCHOOL
Jinja, Uganda
2016

The book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley focuses on how to
help married couples understand and meet each others needs in such a way that
they may not only be happy and satisfied with each other in their married
relationship but also to avoid the incidence of an affair. The author targets the
top five needs of the average male and the top five needs of the average female.
The author then explains how the spouse can go about meeting the needs of
their spouse through practical examples and helpful tips. The book is great for
those who are thinking of marrying but also those who are already married.
The first chapter of the book introduces the idea of building an affairproof marriage, which essentially means creating a marriage that is strong and
satisfying. It clearly explains what an affair is and gives examples what affairs
may look like, since they are not all the same. It also introduces the idea of
needs for the man and woman.
The second chapter of the book focuses on the idea of what the author
terms as a love bank. This is a figurative system of what really happens inside
of each one of us. The idea for a love bank comes from the concept that each
person has a sub-conscious way of monitoring and measuring the love the
receive and the lack of love they receive from every individual they come in
contact with. Essentially, every interaction or exchange I have with another
person results in either a deposit of love or a withdraw of love from that
persons account in my love bank. The author gives many examples of what
deposits and withdraws look like and how they can change over time. For
example, when a man and woman are dating many times they make very large
deposits into each others love bank throughout the process of learning about
each other and falling in love. However, often when the same man and woman
get married their system changes to fewer deposits and much larger withdraws.
This often happens because the couple is not as intentional about meeting each
others needs. The author proposes that if a couple can be intentional about
meeting each others needs throughout the marriage, the mans love bank will
continue to increase with deposits from his wife and vice versa.
The third chapter of the book begins going in depth of the needs of a
woman. The first need of the average woman is affection. To most women,
affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. Because of
this, a woman needs to receive affection from her spouse on a consistent basis

in order to understand that he loves her. The author again gives many stories
and examples on how to show affection to ones spouse and also what the lack
of affection can result in. The author makes it clear that if a wife is not receiving
affection from her husband, she will look for it from another source. Whoever is
meeting her primary need for affection is the person she will focus on. This is
one of the most common causes for affairs of wives.
The fourth chapter of the book begins going in depth of the needs of a
man. The first need of the average man is sexual fulfillment. The author is clear
in his directive towards wives know that your husband needs sex. The author
illustrates how sex is not something the man can simply do without but rather it
is an essential need to him. He even suggests that the way affection is important
to a woman is the same way sex is important to a man. However, many times
wives will refuse to have sex with their husbands because they do not
understand that it is a sincere need they have. Also, the author pointed out that
sometimes wives may not feel inclined to have sex with their husband if the
husband has not met their need of affection. Thus it is a two-way thing: a
husband needs to meet his wifes need of affection and a wife needs to meet her
husbands need for sexual fulfillment in order for the couple to feel satisfied. In
the way that lack of affection from the husband pushes the wife to have an
affair, lack of sexual fulfillment from the wife often results in the husband
having an affair.
The fifth chapter of the book discusses a womans second need, intimate
conversation. The author gives three key reasons why conversation is important
to a woman: conversation is an integral part of how all of the other important
emotional needs are met, its necessary for everyday problem-solving and
conflict resolution, conversation itself meets a basic emotional need for most
women. The author also emphasizes that women desire intimacy in their
conversation, which requires the man to move past the weather talk and
discuss emotions, heart issues, dreams, etc. Intimate conversation is defined as
focusing attention on what youre feeling, thinking, and doing. This is very
important for a wife to receive from her husband. The author lists four enemies
of intimate conversation: making demands, being disrespectful, expressing
anger, and dwelling on mistakes, past or present. The author then contrasts these
with the four friends of intimate conversation: conversing to inform, investigate

and understand, developing interest in each others favorite topics of

conversation, balancing the conversation, giving each other undivided attention.
The sixth chapter of the book focuses on a mans second need,
recreational companionship. The need for recreational companionship is
understood that most men treasure the time they spend recreationally and thus
they need their wives to be a part of it. However, if a wife fails to take interest
in her husbands recreational activities most likely they will grow apart. He
needs her to take interest in his interests so that he can feel loved by her. The
author notes however that if the husbands recreational activities are not
pleasing to the wife (after she has given them a fair chance) then the husband
should try to adjust his activities.
The seventh chapter of the book focuses on the womens third need,
honestly and openness. This correlates with the womans need for intimate
conversation. A woman feels secure when her husband can be free and not
withhold any information. A husband does not have to have any information
kept from his wife. There is often a belief that there should be an element of
privacy in a marriage. However, the author states clearly that the word privacy
is entitlement and has no place in a husband and wifes relationship. The
husband gives three reasons why honestly and openness are essential in
marriage: it makes it easier to identify their problems and know how to deal
with them, dishonesty or covering the truth is painfully offensive, and it meets
an important emotional need. The author suggest to reveal to your spouse as
much information about yourself as you know your thoughts, feelings, habits,
likes, dislikes, etc.
The eighth chapter of the book is about a mans third need, a goodlooking wife. A man with an attractive spouse feels good whenever he looks at
his attractive wife. Many women resent this or see it as shallow but the truth is
that it is an essential need of a man which should not be overlooked. The author
gives many examples on how women can make themselves to look attractive,
such as weight control, use of makeup, pleasing hairstyle, attractive clothing,
and general physical cleanliness. The author suggests that being attractive does
not mean the wife has to spend lots of money, but it is making the most out of
what God has given you. By being attractive and remaining attractive
throughout the years of marriage a husband will feel proud to love his wife.

The ninth chapter of the book is about a womans fourth need, financial
support. The wife needs her husband to support her financially and to be faithful
and consistent in his support. This does not necessarily mean that the wife
cannot also have a career or job but it means that her income should not be the
primary income for the family (it may be a supplementary income). This does
not mean that a woman is marrying a man for his money or financial status
(though possibly some women do), but rather it means that a wife needs to have
the security of her husband working with passion and love in whatever job or
career he has determined which can yield enough financial income to support
the wife and children. The author suggests that if the husband is not making
enough money in his current career, he must adjust his career or find a way of
adding an additional job. The husband is responsible for balancing his work in
such a way that he can earn enough to support the family while not overworking to where he does not have any time to spend with the family.
The tenth chapter of the book is about a mans fourth need, domestic
support. A man needs his wife to be the dominant leader over the housework
activities. This does not mean that the man cannot be involved in domestic
support, but rather it should be the woman who is the one leading in domestic
activities. The author discusses that there are many household responsibilities
which may be more suitable or please to one spouse than the other so the
husband and wife should work together to collaborate, which will result in
balancing and satisfying both. The author also discusses including children in
domestic responsibilities (at the appropriate age) to help the wife. If the wife is
not in position to do the responsibilities herself, then she must find someone
suitable to do them (possibly a maid or housekeeper).
The eleventh chapter of the book is about a womans fifth need, family
commitment. The wife needs her husband to be a leading man in the household,
especially with the children. A man should devote time to his family willingly.
He can strengthen his relationship with his children and even strengthen his
marriage by developing quality family time. This is defined by the author as
time when the family is together for more and educational development of the
children. The husband should not only be available for discipline of the children
but also for the encouragement and modeling of the children as they mature in
age and in development. The author also discusses that the husband and wife
should be in unity in their disciplinary methods.

The twelfth chapter of the book is about a mans fifth need, admiration. A
husband needs his wife to be proud of him and he needs to hear it from her.
When a woman tells a man she thinks hes wonderful, that inspires him to
achieve more. He then sees himself as capable of handling new responsibilities
and perfecting skills far above those of his present level. The author is direct to
state that wife needs to appreciate her husband for who he is now, not who she
wants him to be. He needs her to compliment him on what he has done, even if
he is not perfect. The author also draws comparison between criticism vs.
complaints and states that a wife should never complain about her husband but
should rather use constructive criticism to help direct him. She also needs to
always speak with respect, even if she doesnt agree with what he is doing.
The thirteenth chapter of the book discusses how a couple can survive an
affair. The author begins by saying that the affair must come to an end. There
can be many times when the spouse can say that the affair has ended when in
actuality it is not truly over (especially emotionally). The second step the couple
must take is to create transparency. The spouse who has engaged in the affair
might feel that this is too childish but the spouse who has been wounded needs
complete and total transparency. This means knowing every detail of the
spouses movements and being open to follow-up and make sure that he/she has
been faithful. This transparency will help to slowly rebuild the trust which was
shattered by the affair. The third step is to meet each others basic needs (as
discussed above). The couple must then focus their energy on building a
stronger marriage.
The fourteenth chapter of the book is about how the reader can change
from being an incompatible spouse to an irresistible spouse. This is primarily
done by knowing and understanding my needs, knowing and understanding my
spouses needs, and knowing and understanding how to meet my spouses needs.
Most spouses are not really incompatible; they just dont know how to meet
their spouses needs. The author describes the irresistible man as one who
practices: affection, conversation, honestly and openness, financial support, and
family commitment. The author describes the irresistible woman as one who
practices: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical
attractiveness, domestic support, admiration. The author concludes by stating
that each individual is different so I must identify my most important emotional
needs, and also my spouses most important emotional needs.

I really enjoyed reading His Needs, Her Needs. Although I had heard the
concept of each the husband and wife having five different needs and the
importance of meeting those needs, I had not understood the information in as
much depth. This book really helped me to understand the needs of my husband
and how I can meet those needs. It also helped me to understand my own needs.
One of the biggest things I saw was how often I can react or change my
mood when my needs have not been met by my spouse but I may not
understand in the moment the real reason for reacting. I think it helps to
understand what ones needs are so that I can be more in tune with myself. I
also see that it helps me to process how I am feeling. Before, it was hard for me
to understand how some days I felt so much love from my husband and other
days I felt as if he didnt love me at all (this often resulted in reciprocating the
same feelings to him). As I read this book I could understand that there were
times where he was making deposits to my love bank, which made me feel
loved and at time he would go for a long period without making deposits or
could even make many withdraws within a short period of time, which made me
feel as if I was not loved by him. By having terms and a figurative system to
identify what is happening inside of me it helps me understand how to process
my own emotions but also to understand how to adjust to how my husband is
relating to me.
Another thing that really helped me was to understand more of what my
husband really needs and how to meet his needs in a way that he can
understand. There could me many times where I could do something for him to
show him love (meet his needs) but maybe he didnt gain anything from it.
After reading this book I have gotten a better understanding of what he is
looking for and how I can help to bring out those certain habits that will help
him to understand the love I have for him.
I believe that this information is very practical and could easily be taught
in a church or even in a secular setting which is open to hearing about God. The
teaching on the love bank concept is very practical and can apply in any kind
of setting. I think it could be used in correlation with a teaching from Genesis
and how God has designed us in his own image and the unique ways he has
designed us for relationships. I also think it could be used in a completely
practical setting from a psychological perspective in just explaining the way that

people interaction with each other. I see that this teaching is very simple and
easy to understand and helps people to be aware of how important their
interactions are with others, as well as the importance of relationship.
The teaching of the five essential needs of the average man and the five
essential needs of the average woman is also very practical and could be used in
a church or non-church setting. I think it could work better in a church setting
because many of the needs could be backed by scripture (though the author did
not do this in the book). However, I think the idea of protecting a marriage from
an affair is important across all cultures and religions and is something that
would be valued by any husband and wife. I would love to do this teaching by
starting from each person looking into their own needs and helping to
understand why they need these things and then moving into helping each
person understand the needs of their spouse and why they need these things. I
think it could work very well if the teaching was done in a way that the women
were taught together and the men were taught together and then in the end the
couples were brought back together and could share in small groups and then
conclude with a teaching on how to prevent an affair and also how to recover
from an affair. I think this could work well in a one-day seminar type setting.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading His Needs, Her Needs and I have found
that this book has opened my eyes a lot and helped me to understand the
importance of meeting my husband needs. I believe the foundation of the
concepts taught in this book comes back to the greatest commandment: Love
the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength, and Love your
neighbor as yourself. If we truly love God with everything that we have, it
means that we will desire to please him and bless him by loving the person he
has blessed us with (spouse). Then if we are to love our neighbor as we love
ourselves, it means that however much I want my husband to meet my needs is
the more that I will want to meet his needs.