Goal 1-To have my essays more structured, by starting with a solid thesis

Usually when writing, I tend to overthink, and then completely forget about one of the
most basic things I was taught about writing. I was taught to use T.E.A paragraph forms
when writing essays, and most times I can, yet sometimes if the idea of the essay is
broad enough, I completely forget to use T.E.A and I feel like my paragraphs (and essay
as a whole) is just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. Once I forget to use T.E.A my essay goes to
crap and it can become super redundant. I felt like I wrote like this in my first Honors
Essay of the year for humanities, where I was answering the question of, What kind of
habits do we need to cultivate to move beyond naive cynicism? I thought my thesis was
unclear when beginning, ultimately leaving this question unasked. My thesis was,
Naive cynicism. Its around us everyday, in almost all of our lives. Naive cynicism is the
driver of of all egos, and is what could be the end, or a new beginning of our world, and
then I continued with a quote about cynicism. Instead of what I did hear, I should have
began with something that addressed the question, or topic directly like, Many people
ask themselves each day, how can we stop cynicism? How can I, individually stop naive
cynicism? Well, first, you must understand what exactly cynicism is. And then
continued on with a quote or anecdotes. I think it is important to me to first understand
fully what the prompt is, then instead of bouncing it around in my essay, address the
prompt immediately when beginning my essay, and then go into other quotes and
analysis. Overall, I think it begins with a full comprehension of the prompt, and a
definite thesis.
Goal 2- To tell less, and show more.
Something that I have always been working on in my writing was this concept of
showing more, and telling less, in my essays. This means that instead of writing and
writing things, show with a raw, detailed, and descriptive story to truly hook your reader
in, and give more life to your essay overall. The first thing that Lori told me after reading
my rough-draft college was that I needed to work on this concept. I had great examples
in my essay, but no stories. An instance of this in my college essay is where I said,
Something else that made the week at Barnard even more extraordinary was the fact
that I was fortunate enough to participate in these strange, yet thrilling and necessary
experiences with some of the most intellectual, kind, and lively girls I might ever meet.
And I stopped there. After creating a story that illustrated this, I added, It was not until
we were standing in line for the subway on our last midnight ice cream run, or when we
had just got done finishing our four plus hours of homework for that day, that I realized
how much these girls had made me recognize the importance of friendship. Adding this
really illustrated a story to where I found how important friendship was and meeting
these girls were to me, instead of simply stating that it was. Not only does adding a story
truly hook the reader, but it also can clear up any confusion, and add entertainment. In

order to do this more often in my writing, I need to choose a story, either real-life or
anecdotal for the evidence part of my T.E.A paragraphs as discussed in the previous
paragraph. In conclusion, I realize that it is SO important to show and not tell so much
in my essays, and I truly think it can spice up how I write!
Goal 3- To not be as redundant in my essays
Another problem of mine when I am writing essays is that I can be repetitive. A lot. I
usually tend to be repetitive whenever I do not know what to write about but need to
meet a word count or fill in holes within my essay, so I will proceed to just restructure
and reword an essay, and fill in the holes like that. An example of where I seemed
repetitive or tried to fill in a whole within my essay (you could probably see it in any one
of my essays actually) was in my habits of highly cynical people honors essay. I said,
The millennials are knowledgeable, which tends to lead them down a cynical path, as
well as, Sullivans article particularly looks into a popular television show that is
popular in the millennial age group, and how the televisions ironic and satiristic
viewpoint of news had drawn more cynicism out towards the American political system
in those aged 18-34. Here, I could have just gone with the second sentence, as it
explains enough. I will work on this by focusing less on filling in my essay with
redundant sentences, and more on creating powerful, vivid, and precise sentences that
are already clear enough to my reader, so I dont need to fill anything in. If I feel like I
am trying to write sentences just to fit a word count I will stop, and try to discuss
another topic elsewhere in the essay, and not reword a sentence as put it in a paragraph.
Revision in my College Essay:
A skill that I improved on within the first draft of my college essay to my second draft
was one of my overall writing goals for this year, and that was to show more, and tell
less. In the first draft of my college essay, I spoke of ways that I saw myself grow into an
adult, but I really didnt have an examples, and didnt speak of a lot of stories. Lori had
said that my first draft was OK, but it could become spectacular if I added bright and
dramatic stories, feelings, and emotions. For example, a sentence where I told instead
of showed is, I would be in one of the worlds most international, sensacional,
restless, and largest cities for the next nine days by myself. Here we go I thought to
myself as I jumped into a cab headed towards downtown. Here I did not put any of my
feelings or a real story, and in my final draft I added, . I would be in one of the worlds
most international, sensational, restless, and largest cities for the next nine days by
myself, which absolutely terrified me. I felt as though for the next nine days, I would be
a 17 year old playing a twenty-something, having to live a newfound life that is
completely unfamiliar. I jumped into a cab headed towards downtown, my heart racing
with intention. You can see in this sentence I added more of my feelings, which can pull

my reader into my story even more. In order to accomplish this, I thought back to what I
was feeling in the moment, and wrote down my emotions into the essay. I turned it into
a story that I could share, and weaved in other small emotions or stories throughout.
Overall, I am so happy to have received that sort of feedback from Lori, and I think my
essay is stronger because of it.