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Get Off

The
Drama
Triangle
and Reclaim Your Personal Power
Julia Bushue LIfe Coaching

What is the Drama Triangle?


If youve ever...
Wished someone would rescue you from a stressful situation...
Said yes to someone and regretted it later...
Snapped at someone who wasnt behaving the way you thought they should...

...then youve been on the Drama Triangle.


Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

The Triangle is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic.


It has two main characteristics: the absence of boundaries,
and the need to feel in control of both the situation and the people involved.
You can be on the Triangle with other people, situations, and even yourself.
The triangle is made up of three roles: the Victim, the Rescuer, and the Bully.

Victim
Rescuer

Bully

Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

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The Victim
Rapunzel is a totally helpless
prisoner of the Witch. Shes
trapped in a tower (even
though she has everything
she needs to escape) - until
the Prince comes along.

The Rescuer
The Prince falls in love with
Rapunzel and will risk
anything (even his own life)
to save her. Of course, he
expects her undying love
and affection as a reward.
Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

The Bully
The Witch keeps Rapunzel
isolated because of her
own wish for love and
acceptance, lashing out
when Rapunzel starts
asking for independence.
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Image credits: freeimages.com/Sias van Schalkwyk (castle), Tony Smyth (knight) & Cisco p.a.(witch)

The fairy tale Rapunzel shows the three roles at work.

These roles are archetypes.

Rescuer

he

becomes the

t
es

Whos going
to take care of
me?

co
be

You may notice that the roles can


shift during an interaction (and that
its possible to run around the
Triangle all by yourself, playing
each role in turn).

Be
try ing
ing a m
to art
ma yr,
na de
ge ny
ot ing
he
be
rs nee
co
by ds
me
he ,
st
lpi
he
ng

Here you can see some of the


stereotypical behaviors we
associate with each role.

Victim

,
t
ing en
lam atm
, b tre
se nt
bu ile
la ,s
ica ge
ys ua
ph lang
al/
rb ng
Ve littli
be

This means that everyone has the potential


to play all three roles and that they manifest
in similar ways among different people.

Bully

Resentment when help is declined,


passive-aggressive behavior
5
Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

What does this look like in the real world?


Victims

Believe themselves to be
powerless.
Have a hard time taking
responsibility for
improving their situation.
Wish someone would fix
things for them.
Try to get sympathy from
other people or get them
on their side.

Rescuers

Fix things without


checking to see if its
wanted or needed.
Think they know whats
best for everyone else.
Put their own needs last.
Feel that theyre owed for
the sacrifices they make
and may use guilt to
manipulate others.

Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

Bullies

Lash out with anger,


defensiveness, or
exasperation when they
feel threatened or like
theyre losing control.
May withdraw or withhold
affection to show
disapproval (aka the
"silent treatment).

Are you on the Triangle?

See if youre experiencing any of the following


Emotions:

or

anxiety, irritation,
resentment, self-pity,
shame, helplessness,
or rage

Experiences:
feeling abandoned,
betrayed, trapped,
overwhelmed, or powerless

Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

Help! Im on the Triangle and I want to get off!


Recognizing when youre on the Triangle is the hardest part.
After that, there are four steps to disengaging:

Find out what youre


believing about the
situation.

Question those
beliefs.

Own your stuff and


give back whats not
yours.

Stand firm with


love.

Keep reading for more detail about each step.


Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

1: Figure out what youre believing about the situation.


What do you believe that you absolutely have to do or absolutely cant do?
(I have to help her out; theres no way I can tell her I dont really want to.)
What do you feel you have no choice about?
(I dont really see how I can tell her no.)
What internal rules are you following?
(A good person would never refuse to help a friend.)
What assumptions are you making?
(Im her only option. If I dont help her, no one will.)
What do you think needs to happen for you to feel okay?
(I really need her to understand my position.)
Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

Watch out
for black
and white
thinking!
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2: Question those beliefs.


This is a big topic, but heres how to get started:

Ask yourself, Is that absolutely true? about each belief.

Find reasons or evidence why they might not be true, or see if you can come
up with some alternatives.

This might be challenging at first. Think of it as exercise for your brain.

Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

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3: Own your stuff and give back whats not yours.


By stuff, I mean your thoughts, feelings, actions, motivations, and experiences.
If youre playing the Victim role, ask yourself what you could do if getting Rescued
wasnt an option. Believe in your own power and agency.
If youre the Rescuer, let the Victim gain empowerment from solving their own
problems and learning from the experience. Believe in their resilience and creativity.
If youre the Bully, ask yourself whats under the anger youre feeling (its usually fear
or sadness). Believe in the possibility of getting your needs met without resorting to
emotional, verbal, or physical violence.
In each case: Let the other people involved have their own emotions and
experience, even if its uncomfortable.
Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

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4: Stand firm with love.


The people youve been on the Triangle with may not be thrilled that you arent
playing the role theyre used to anymore and there may be some uncomfortable
pressure or pushback as they adjust (and they might not adjust).
Stay strong. When someone shows you that their goodwill depends on you
playing a certain role with them, that means that theyre more invested in staying
on the Triangle than in a healthy relationship with you.
The people who are truly on your team will support and celebrate your continued
growth and self-development. The others will find someone new to play on the
Triangle with. Let them go with love.

Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

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IF You Feel Like YOu Dont Have Any Choice...


There may be times in your professional or personal life when you dont feel like you
can say no to a request.
In this case, acknowledge (to yourself, at least) that you do have a choice - its just
that the consequences of not doing the thing are more than you want to deal with.
Reminding yourself of your freedom of choice breaks the habit of learned
helplessness, which is the state of going through life believing you dont have any
power over what happens to you (i.e. victim mentality).
Why are you choosing to do the thing? Even if its to avoid a negative
consequence (like I dont want to get fired), consciously making the decision puts the
power back in your hands.
Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

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I believe in you!
Its not fun to recognize these tendencies in ourselves, and its not easy to stop
them once theyve become a habit. Its normal (and pretty unavoidable) to find
yourself back on the Triangle from time to time.
Rather than trying to avoid the Triangle or shaming yourself when it happens, take
what youve learned here and use it to practice getting off and reclaiming your
personal power. Feel free to e-mail me at julia@juliabushue.com and let me know
how it goes.
Until next time!

-Julia
Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

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Further Reading
For more in-depth analysis of the Drama Triangle:
The Empath and the Archetypal Drama Triangle - Elaine La Joie
(Free on Amazon as of 9/22/16)

Breaking Free from the Victim Trap - Diane Zimberoff and David Hartman
Books on communication and boundaries:
Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How To Say No - Peter Cloud and John Townsend
(Available on Amazon, Scribd, and other online bookstores)
Julia Bushue | www.juliabushue.com

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