Stay Together!

Ways To Avoid Divorce and

Break-Ups
J. I. Witherspoon

The Ultimate Marriage and Relationship Handbook. In this short book you
will find expert advice on ways to keep your relationship or marriage not
only strong but to make it last, and to avoid that dreaded divorce or breakup. Included is expert advice from the author, a social counsellor,
researchers, marriage therapists, psychotherapists and many other experts.

You will also find references for further reading from experts in case you
choose to do so. References as indicated in various points throughout the
book.

NOTE TO THE READER:

Dear Reader,
In this short book you will find helpful advice and facts or truths about
your partner you may not have known in your relationship and the small,
little things that you can do to keep your relationship or marriage strong.
You will notice the little acts and the right attitude that creates great
relationships and are a strong foundation for a strong family. Many people
inevitably allow their relationships or marriages to fall apart. Some try to
fix it, but they either try it in the wrong way or encounter great resistance
from their partners, either from pride or because their partners totally
believe that they are the ones that are right! Its not a competition, its two
people making something to work, and this can be fun for both of them if

they really care! This little book holds priceless advice for you. Best of
luck in everything you do!
J. I. Witherspoon

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Ways To Keep a
Relationship/Marriage Strong
The Ideal Husband
The Ideal Wife

Ways To Keep a Relationship/Marriage Strong

Some people only take out of the basket but they never put anything in it.
A relationship is like a basket that takes two people to fill.
The more you put into the basket, the better for both of you.
Ingredients to put into the basket are:
Love...this is probably the chief ingredient that you need for a healthy
relationship.
Trust...unlike love that can just come naturally, trust is something you
create with your actions.
Faithfulness...it is born of good character. It is the desire or ability to be
loyal, reliable, believable, dependable.
Communication...and the lack of it, is a major reason why some
relationships thrive and some do not.
Communication can mean to share ideas, thoughts, to speak, to be heard,
and quite importantly, to be understood.

Forgiveness is a major factor. Your partner or spouse will wrong you at

one time or another.
Moods....can spoil or destroy a good relationship. Do not let your moods,
especially the bad ones, control you.
Learn your partners moods and know when to give them space, when they
need you just to listen, or even when they need you to gently distract them
from moody thoughts.
Get your me-time sometimes. It strains relationships to spend too much
time together sometimes.
Avoid secrets, especially the ones that raise eyebrows. If you stay out late,
try to explain in advance that you will be late and even why or where you
will be.
Keep the romance going.
Avoid monotony in the relationship, from sex to things you talk about.
Try to change the scene sometimes. Change the curtains, refurnish the
house. It can be refreshing.

Find a way to release stress...anything from a physical punching-bag

hanging in a room to hitting the gym.
If you are moving too fast, try to slow down. Pressure gives birth to stress.
Dont carry the office stress and pressure home. You may find yourself
hurting people that do not deserve it.
Stay healthy....exercise and eat right. It doesnt help the relationship at all
when you are sick or unwell.
Avoid drugs and addiction, they have ruined many relationships and
marriages.
Do not allow friends and parents to draw you apart, unless they have an
excellent reason to do that.
Dont despise your spouse or partner because they are getting old and are
not as hot as they used to be.
Be positive minded.
Think positively.
Have a positive frame of mind.
How many times did I mention staying positive? It is extremely important.

Try to find some common ground or compromise on some things if you

feel incompatible.
Dont get married for reasons like money or wealth, you may regret it
down the line.
Dont abuse your partner and dont allow them to abuse you either.
Take the matter of financial security seriously, even if you have to plan it
together.
Couples that make wealth together have a common sense of pride and
achievement...together.
Stay in shape. So many people leave their partners for being out of
shape.
Pray together. When praying alone, pray for your family, your partner,
yourself.
Appreciation. Simple words like thank you, dear can go a long way.
Compliments. You look fine, radiant, today, might do more for you than
a well-written speech.

Be truthful when you need to be. There is a kind way to say the truth, but
lying can open doors that had better remain shut.
Remind your partner that you love them. Never mind that you said it
yesterday or a few hours ago.
Avoid situations that make you look like you are hiding something.
Do not be trapped into the world of withdrawal. Its a lonely world.
Try to find fun things you can do together. You will be amazed how
refreshing it can be. It can be anything from a picnic to a drive to running
together in the morning.
Do not be trapped in the too busy schedule. Create time for your partner.
Do not be trapped in the world of taking things for granted or getting
used to the things your partner does for you.
Know where to draw the line between friendships out there and your
relationship.
Avoid the little jealousies that may creep up, whether you are creating or
causing them.

Find a routine thing you can do together that reminds you of your dating
days. It could be dinner out every Friday, etc.
Show concern for their family.
Dont always talk about the mother-in-law or father-in-law negatively.
Remember she is your wifes or husbands parent!

The Ideal Husband

1. Make Time For Guys Night

It sounds counterintuitive, but research shows that men who hang out in
large groups actually handle stress better, and even do a better job of
warding off sickness during cold and flu season. That makes you a better
man, which also makes you a better husband.

Plus, men who shared close friends and confidants with their wives were
up to 97 percent more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction, according
to researchers at Cornell and the University of Chicago. Read: Dont build
your social life totally around your wife and your mutual friends.

2. Do the Dishes
You can daydream about your lady as a French maid, but dont treat her
like one. A George Mason University study found that husbands help out
around the house even less than live-in boyfriends. In fact, a husband
creates an extra seven hours a week of housework for his wife, on average,
according to a University of Michigan study.
On the flip side, a wife saves her husband about an hour of housework a
week. Thats one reason why a mans willingness to do chores is a major
predictor of marital bliss, according to a Pew survey of 1,128 women.

3. Help Her Snooze

Women are grumpier than men in the morning, according to the Sleep
Council. In fact, nearly twice as many men as women report getting a good
nights sleep regularly.
And if your wife has trouble dozing off tonight, tomorrow could be a
nightmare for both of you. A recent study showed that the longer it takes
for your wife to fall asleep at night, the more negative your interactions
will be the following day. On the other hand, how well a man slept had no
affect on his relationship.
Tonight, encourage her to escape to the bedroom early while you get the
kids ready for bed or finish up the chores. You wont regret it in the
morning.

4. Stop Dreaming About Alternatives

Wondering just how much happier youd be with a wife who didnt act
like that or who really understands you is setting your relationship up
for failure. Constantly visualizing ideal spouses makes you less happy
because it creates more potential for unproductive desire or regret, says
marriage therapist Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., author of The Marriage
Makeover.
While occasional communication about the issues that bother you is
important, Coleman recommends frequently communicating what you
think is great about her. Tell her, for instance, that she did a great job
painting the living room instead of just saying, That turned out well.
That way shell know that its her that impressed you.

5. Prep Dinner
A career-oriented woman finds satisfaction in contributing financially to

the relationship. Unlike her mate, though, the pressures often on her to get
home and start cooking, leaving her less time to prove herself at work. A
Cornell University study found that womens careers suffer when their
husbands work overtime. In fact, wives are 42 percent more likely to quit
their jobs when their significant others spend 60-plus hours a week at the
office.

6. Be More Attentive
Utter these five words to make her melt: Tell me about your day. Talking
to your wifeabout work, family, the newsis an even better aphrodisiac.
A University of Virginia study found that wives care most about how
affectionate and understanding their husbands are. Spending quality time
together and discussing things she likes creates a bond your wife equates
with romance.

7. Unplug
If you spend more time gazing at your iPhone than into your mates eyes,
it could be causing problems in your relationship. In a study published in
the Journal of Marriage and Family, researchers reviewed cell phone
usage of more than 1,300 couples for 2 years and found that relationship
and family happiness both decreases as cell phone usage increases. Power
down tonight, and listen up.

8. Unwind Together
People in bad marriages are more than twice as likely to report stress at
work as those who are happily wed, according to a British study. Stress, in
turn, has been linked to a higher risk of heart disease, stroke, cancer, and
many other health problems. Unhappy spouses also showed higher
diastolic blood pressure
On the other hand, a supportive partner decreased stress. Whats one way

to show more support? Drop her a brief note or make a quick phone call
during the workday to see how things are going. Even if shes stressed out,
the show of support will help her regain some equilibrium.

9. Compliment Her Privately

The more a compliment is tailored to that specific woman, the more
intimate and effective it is. Use sensory words, like, I love the way you
smell, I love the sound of your voice, says Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a
licensed psychotherapist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want. The
more detailed your praise, the more personal it is to herit shows her that
you derive pleasure from her body, not just from any naked body.

10. Compliment Her Publicly

If a womans body image is low, shell feel less passionate and sexual,

says Patricia Love, Ed.D., the coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage
Without Talking About It. But heres the key: Do it in public. Itll
emphasize your commitment, making her feel more secure and ultimately
improving her body image, Love says.

11. Reconsider the Range Rover

Your climb to the top of the social ladder might be taking a toll on your
relationship. Couples that highly value money and possessions are less
satisfied with their marriage compared to couples where at least one
person wasnt materialistic, according to a survey of more than 1,800
couples in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy. Meanwhile,
non-materialistic pairs communicated more effectively and were more
respectful of their partners viewpoints during arguments than moneyloving couples, researchers found.

12. Visit the Grandparents

Set the TiVo to record the football game this Sunday and plan a trip to
grandmas house instead. A study in Family Relations found that
grandparents use get-togethers as opportunities to mentor, pass on
traditions, and teach family values to their grandchildren. Building strong
bonds between your parents and your kids will teach the tots to respect and
empathize with their elders. Result: A happy, close-knit family.

13. Be a Team
Researchers from the University of California, Berkeley, found that
couples that say we are better at resolving disagreements than couples
that emphasized their separateness by using pronouns like I, me, and
you. The couples that identified more as we also showed less stress
and were more positive. Ultimately, we-ness or separateness language
is a strong gauge of marital satisfaction, past research has found.

In the face of a conflict, you can choose to team up with your wife or
become polarized. But couples that considered themselves a partnership
felt better equipped to work through challenges and more confident about
making big decisions.

14. Banish Her Pre-Baby Blues

A pregnant womans hormones are less stable than the Dow, but being a
supportive husband will pay off in the long run, a recent study suggests.
Your understanding attitude could help keep your wife and baby happy and
healthy. The quality of a marriage is the strongest indicator of a womans
prenatal mental health, the study found.
On the other hand, unhappy relationships are closely linked to depression.
Poor mental health has been associated with premature birth, low birth
weight and health problems that can last into your little ones school years.

15. Show Affection Outside the Bedroom

P.D.A now stands for Private Displays of Affection. A study published in
the American Journal of Family Therapy found that a womans
relationship satisfaction increased when her husband was physically
affectionate in a subtle, non-erotic wayno licking, kissing, or groping
involved. Instead, go for a more subtle move while driving, rest your
hand a few inches above her knee for a low-key turn-on. Shell feel closer
to you knowing that you want to be close to hereven when shes not
undressing.

16. Make It a Clean Fight

A good argument may keep you and your marriage healthy. Thats because
how you argue can determine the long-term success or failure of your
relationshipand your lifespan. University of Michigan researchers

analyzed almost 200 couples for nearly two decades and found that those
who stifled their anger died earlier than those who expressed their anger
and resolved the conflict amicably.
Why? They never tried to fix the problem, which likely led to an increase
in stress and resentment. Voice your opinion early, and respect her point of
vieweven when youre convinced shes wrong.

17. Lock Lips Every Morning

Dont walk out the door without a see-you-later kiss. Skin-on-skin contact
releases oxytocin, which lowers stress and makes you feel connected,
says Patricia Love, Ed.D., the coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage
Without Talking About It. When a man is touch-deprived, this need
becomes sexualized, making his wife think he just wants sex, and creating
more tension.

You only need to set aside 1 minute a day. It takes just a few seconds of
skin-on-skin contact a few times a day to start oxytocin production, says
Love. A kiss in the morning, a hug after work, and another kiss before bed
can produce a lasting feeling of intimacy.

18. Get Out More Often

If your relationship is in a rut, nix the usual dinner date in lieu of
something new. Boredom can be just as detrimental to your marriage as
bickering, according to a study in the journal Psychological Science.
Researchers analyzed more than 120 couples on their 7-year anniversary,
and again on their 16-year anniversary. The study indicated that greater
boredom in year seven predicted significantly less satisfaction at year 16.
Always be on the lookout for new opportunities to try together.

19. Laugh At Her

Among the most affirming things one person can do for another is to laugh
at the others attempts at humor. Lots of husbands, over time, forget this
salute. Whats that, you say? Your wife isnt funny? So what? Neither is
your dolt of a boss, but you laugh at his lame attempts. Why? Because
youre trying to show him respect. Do the same for her.

20. Hire a Babysitter

Ninety percent of couples experienced a nosedive in marital joy once they
had kids, according to a study in the Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology. (Your childless friends arent immune, eitherkids simply
accelerate the rate at which bliss plummets.) However, researchers found
that certain qualitiessuch as being married longer prior to having kids
and raking in bigger paychecksprotect couples from the post-birth

decline. Until then, safeguard your marriage by shelling out for a

babysitter or hiring the in-laws at least one night a week.

21. Plan a Romantic Weekend

Tune in to your wifes sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle,
suggests Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married
Men. Then plan your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises
testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during
their most fertile days.
A recent study of 68 sexually active women published in the Journal of
Human Reproduction revealed elevated levels of testosterone and an
average 24 percent increase in frequency of intercourse during the 6 days
leading up to each womans ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic

window by counting 2 weeks after she begins her period and subtracting 6
days.

22. Make a Suggestion

A recent survey of 2,000 women found that two out of three were
interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive.
Dont imply that you want this because the sex has grown stale, says
Mark Elliott, Ph.D., the director of the Institute for Psychological and
Sexual Health, in Columbus, Ohio. When you phrase it as something fun
you want to try, its about having a good time, not fixing something thats
broken.

23. Slow Down

Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress of

work and family life and feeling sexual, says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., the
author of She Comes First: The Thinking Mans Guide to Pleasuring a
Woman. A few minutes of foreplay usually arent enough. After a few
years together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average
woman takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to
start.

24. Be More Detailed

When she asks how your day went, she doesnt want to hear fine, and
yours? She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximize the
effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: I was
nervous when they didnt jump at the offer, but I felt excited when they
realized I was right.

She needs to hear you talk about your feelings as best you can. Youll be
amazed at what revealing your feelings can do for the level of intimacy
between you, says Les Parrott III, Ph.D., the author of Love Talk.

25. Send Her a Reminder

Reminding your wife of commonalitieswhether its a birth date, a
passion for Japanese architecture, or your favorite vacation spotwill
ignite her desire for you, suggests recent research published in the journal
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
Theres even a scientific term for the phenomenon: implicit egotism. It
means we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of
ourselves.

The Ideal Wife

1. Stop thinking that your way is the right way. If he does something
differently, it does not mean that its wrong. When a wife insists on having
her own way, she is in essence saying, I have to be in control.

2. Dont put others before your husband. God designed companionship

in marriage so that a husband and wife can meet one anothers need for a

close, intimate, human relationship. He even said in Genesis 2:18, It is

not good that the man should be alone.
So what happens when you put your mother, a friend, or even a child
before your spouse? Actually, you take a step (often unintentional) toward
isolation in your marriage. If you choose, for example, to spend an
afternoon shopping with your mom when your husband asked you to
watch a football game with him, you may leave hubby feeling that he has
second place in your heart.

3. Dont expect your husband to be your girlfriend. Most men and

women not only look different physically, but also have unique ways of
processing life. One example of this is the need for conversation. Many
women are guilty of wearing out their husbands with countless
conversational details that the husbands dont really care about. Now if he
were a girlfriend, all of those details would definitely matter!

4. Dont dishonor your husband. Suggestions included: Stop all nagging

and dont correct hubby in front of others. If you finish your husbands
sentences, you may be unintentionally communicating, I dont really care
about what you have to say.

5. Stop expecting your husband to fail you as your dad failed your
mom. I spent many years waiting for my husband to give up and walk out
on me, like my dad had years earlier, said one friend. Her unfounded fears
had robbed her marriage of much joy.

6. Dont put your husband on the defensive. For example, if you are
driving around a section of town looking for a restaurant and hes
obviously lost, does it really help for you to tell him that hes been going

around the same block for the fifth time? One wise wife said that shes
learned to be quiet in situations like this. Now, before she makes a
comment, she weighs her wordsasking herself: Are my words needed?
Would they be encouraging? Proverbs 10:19 says, When words are
many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is
prudent.

7. Never use sex to bargain with your husband. Some women

intentionally or unintentionally say to their husbands, When I get what I
want, you get sex. However, 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 reminds husbands and
wives that their bodies are not their own. Do not deprive one another

8. Stop reminding your husband about things over and over. Dont
make him feel guilty or nitpick him about small stuff. One friend said that

when we constantly remind our husbands about diet, weight, medication,

picking up the dry cleaning, etc., we are actually acting more like his
mother than his wife.

9. Dont make your husband earn your respect. Many women think,
Ill respect him when he earns it. But theres a reason that Ephesians 5:33
says, Let the wife see that she respects her husband. As one friend said:
If women could learn to understand that respect is a man's native tongue,
that it absolutely heals his heart and ministers to him like nothing else, it
would make the biggest difference in the world.

10. Stop giving your husband your long term to-do list. A colleague
warns against overwhelming your husband with too much information.
You may unintentionally cause him to feel like a failure, thinking that your

long list means you are discontent. Or, he may incorrectly assume that you
want him to do something immediately.

11. Dont act like your spouse is a mind reader. Instead, be specific
about your requests. One busy mom said that she used to feel
overwhelmed with household chores, wishing her spouse would help her.
She now realizes that the only way he knows her needs is when she tells
him. Most often, she says, when I simply say, Honey, will you tuck the
kids in tonight while I get the kitchen cleaned up, he is glad to help.
Shes discovered that a few words are all it takes to change a resentmentfilled, stressed-out night into a team-effort bonding time.

12. Stop putting housework ahead of hubby. One young mom told her
husband that she didn't want to make love one night because she had just

changed the sheets and she wanted them to stay clean. What do you think
that response said to her husband? Another woman, who puts her husband
ahead of the housework, said: Do not leave the unfolded laundry on your
marriage bed.

13. Put an end to taking the lead because you think he won't take it.
The first many years of our marriage, one wife said, I would see what
needed to be done and get frustrated that my husband would not take
charge and get it done. She went on to say that shes changed by learning
to wait on her husbands leadership. I really believe, she says, that our
men don't lead because we women are too quick to jump in and take care
of it all.
Ephesians 5:23 says, For the husband is the head of the wife even as
Christ is the head of the church, his body .

14. Do not expect your husband to be Prince Charming. After all, the
perfect husband only exists in fairy tales and your marriage exists in real
life. One young wife said that instead of focusing on her husbands
shortcomings, shes learned to recognize the wonderful things about him.
Whats been the result? Hes been encouraged to do even more to be the
man of her dreams.

15. Never look first to a book, a plan, or a person to fix a problem in

your marriage. Instead go to Gods Word and believe and act on the
things that He says. He will lead me to any resources I need, one woman
said. God has already given us everything we need for life and godliness
(2 Peter 1:3) but we have to live according to the promises and expect Him
to show up for us.

Mind
That!