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Actors vs.

Bonders: Girls Who Focus on Appearances

www.girlschase.com /content/actors-vs-bonders-girls-who-focus-appearances

Some girls focus on appearance above all. Others focus on bonding. Which girl you pick makes a big difference
on the relationship you enjoy.
One friend of mine had a girlfriend who attached herself to him when his career was strong, his reputation was
great, and his money was solid... only for her to leave when he lost his career, his income took a big hit, and his
self-confidence became shaken. A little while later, once everything was back in order and he was doing great
again, the girl came back.
Another friend of mine had a girl hed slept with (among many others) whom he contacted later on, only for her to
threaten to call some big guys to come mess him up if he contacted her again. This was after a smear
campaign against him to ruin him socially turned friends of his against him (while others stayed loyal to him and
fought the rumors). The girl in question was obviously one of those swayed, and flipped from major fan of his to
throwing him under the bus without hesitation.
Two different friends, with two different girls, in two different situations. Both had one thing in common though,
and that one thing was the same thing I see guys who get burned by flashy foreign brides or sexy bombshell
girlfriends or any kind of girl remotely like this: they picked the appearance-focused girl instead of the connectionfocused one.

Her Focus: Whats the Difference?


Take a look at these two girls; whats the biggest difference you see?

Whats the difference between the girl on the left and the girl on the right?
Aside from things like hair color, blouse, or accessories, the big difference here is the smile. The smile on the
right is real; the smile on the left is not.
This is the easiest way Ive identified to differentiate between the two kinds of girls. If she never ever gives you
real smiles, shes appearance-focused. What this means is she is constantly monitoring her appearance, at all
times, in all situations.
This one tiny difference whether shes a perpetual appearance monitor has big effects on your relationship
with her.
For the purpose of this article, Im going to refer to appearance-focused girls as Actors (since they tend to act
high status, aloof, and hard-to-get) and connection-focused girls as Bonders (since they tend to form tight bonds
with those in their lives).
This is a sensitive area to talk about, because were talking about mate preferences (though I have talked about
it before a little bit). Some guys consistently go for Actors. When Ive talked to older guys who changed their girl
criteria from Actors to Bonders, what Ive consistently heard is this:

When I was younger, I felt like I needed the really hot girl to show off. Now I go for girls I think are
hot but who also make better partners.

If youre a guy who likes Actors, your kneejerk reaction might be, These guys didnt have what it takes to hang
onto girls like this, so they lowered their standards. But from my Actor-to-Bonder friends, when you look at their
Actor ex-girlfriends and compare them to their current Bonder girlfriend, the Bonder is almost always more
beautiful... If not as flashy.
If I had to boil down the big standards difference between guys who go for Actors versus guys who go for


Bonders, itd be this:

Guys who go for Actors: I want the aloof girl because shes higher value. If shes that aloof, she must be a
real catch. That girl with a sunbeam smile is not aloof, therefore not as high value.
Guys who go for Bonders: I want the genuine girl because shes the better mate. The girl whos posturing
and pretending to be aloof is just focused on appearances and will not make a good girlfriend.
The standard the man evaluates a girl on is different: which girl will be more impressive, versus which girl will be
the better girlfriend. And in truth, both men are evaluating accurately. More men are more impressed by Actors
than they are by Bonders. However, Bonders make for the better, more loyal, more devoted girlfriends.
Thats a big claim though, right? Why cant a Actor be just as good as a Bonder at relationships?
Well, lets set the anecdotes aside for now, and look at something else. Lets see what the science has to say.

The Science on Actors vs. Bonders

Our first bit of evidence comes from the paper titled Expressions of positive emotion in womens college
yearbook pictures and their relationship to personality and life outcomes across adulthood. In this study, the
researchers did something simple: they looked at how women smiled in their college yearbook pictures, and then
looked at what happened in their lives. Heres the abstract:

To test hypotheses about positive emotion, the authors examined the relationship of positive
emotional expression in womens college pictures to personality, observer ratings, and life
outcomes. Consistent with the notion that positive emotions help build personal resources,
positive emotional expression correlated with the self-reported personality traits of affiliation,
competence, and low negative emotionality across adulthood and predicted changes in
competence and negative emotionality. Observers rated women displaying more positive emotion
more favorably on several personality dimensions and expected interactions with them to be more
rewarding; thus, demonstrating the beneficial social consequences of positive emotions. Finally,
positive emotional expression predicted favorable outcomes in marriage and personal well-being
up to 30 years later. Controlling for physical attractiveness and social desirability had little impact
on these findings.

The takeaways from this research are:

People expect the Bonder to be happier, more competent, and more cooperative. They think shell be
easier to get along with
Bonders are 19% more likely to be married by age 27 and 20% less likely to be single into middle
Bonders report between 18% and 27% higher personal well-being than Actors (depending on age)
These effects remain consistent, even up to 30 years later (the study looked at women up to 52 years old)
The researchers saw no difference in these percentages regardless how good-looking (or not) the girls
were or how socially desirable they were. i.e., a beautiful Bonder is just as likely to have high well-being
and more favorable relationship outcomes as a Plain Jane Bonder is
In other words, Bonders marry younger, marry more, and are just generally happier people. People who meet
them expect to have better interactions with them in fact, they expect their interactions to be about 70% more


positive than they expect their encounters with Actors will be.
How can a full quarter of her well-being and a fifth of her ability to build healthy relationships come from
something as seemingly insignificant as the kind of smile she wears?
To answer that question, we draw on another study, this one titled The social consequences of expressive
suppression. Heres what the researchers found:

At times, people keep their emotions from showing during social interactions. The authors
analysis suggests that such expressive suppression should disrupt communication and increase
stress levels. To test this hypothesis, the authors conducted 2 studies in which unacquainted pairs
of women discussed an upsetting topic. In Study 1, one member of each pair was randomly
assigned to (a) suppress her emotional behavior, (b) respond naturally, or (c) cognitively
reappraise in a way that reduced emotional responding. Suppression alone disrupted
communication and magnified blood pressure responses in the suppressors partners. In Study 2,
suppression had a negative impact on the regulators emotional experience and increased blood
pressure in both regulators and their partners. Suppression also reduced rapport and inhibited
relationship formation.

The takeaways thus are that when someone suppresses her true emotions:
She disrupts your ability to communicate with her and build rapport
She makes both you and her tenser, with higher blood pressure
She makes herself feel worse around you
She makes it harder for you to start a relationship with her
We begin to see perhaps why Actors seem harder to get. Its because they legitimately are! They mask their
feelings behind inauthentic smiles and expressions. And they close themselves off to people so much that theyre
20% more likely to still be single into middle age.
But not only is she harder to get even inside the relationship, her emotions for you are not as strong. In Love
and the commitment problem in romantic relations and friendship, researchers found four nonverbal gestures
related to both how in-love she feels and how in-love you think she is:
1. Head nods
2. Duchenne (authentic) smiles
3. Gesticulation
4. Forward leans
If she doesnt smile authentically, thats one of those signs off the table right away. But what else do girls playing
the aloof card do? Well, they dont do a whole lot of nodding, gesticulating, or leaning into you either, do they?
Unless theyre doing it in a calculated way to elicit a specific response. And if she isnt showing the behaviors
related to her feeling in love and you feeling she is in love, we can be pretty confident she also is not feeling as in
love (and you wont feel she is) either. If only due to the feedback loop Damasio talks about in Descartes Error
(that is: straighten your back and you feel more confident. Smile with sincerity and you feel warmer, happier, and
more in-love).
Shell even tend to be a less contended person in general herself; in The social costs of emotional suppression,
researchers found that people who suppress their emotions experience lower social support, less closeness to
others, and lower social satisfaction.


The girls who suppress emotional expression to better control their appearances suffer a host of problems that
make them less well adapted to relationships, and more closed off to pickups, too.
Not only is she harder to sleep with, shes also a more difficult, less rewarding, less supportive relationship

How to Tell a Fake Smile

The easiest way to tell an Actor from a Bonder is to look at how she smiles. If she mostly smiles real, shes a
Bonder. If she mostly (or totally) smiles fake, shes an Actor.
Usually you will only see Bonders smile fake if you make them really uncomfortable (e.g., you launch into some
tangential diatribe about some opinion she completely disagrees with you on). And you will usually only see
authentic smiles on the faces of Actors when they are legitimately positively surprised by something... Which is
pretty rare, in my experience.
But maybe youre not too experienced with this whole fake smile / real smile business yet. How do you tell if a
smile is real or fake?
There are three (3) signs to keep your eyes peeled for:

Closed eyes. Real smiles involve the orbicularis oculi muscle around the eyes. This causes the eyes to
partly or completely close during a smile. Fake smiles dont use this muscle; theyre only of the mouth.
When she fake smiles, her lips turn up, but her eyes dont change.


Crows feet. Thanks to that same orbicularis oculi muscle, the skin around the outer corners of her eyes
will tend to crinkle during a real smile. These crows feet / corner crinkles are a dead giveaway a smile is
legit; theyre very hard to fake. If she smiles but you dont see crows feet, the smile isnt a real one.


Bottom teeth. When her smile is real, her bottom teeth will be almost or completely concealed. Youll
only see her top teeth. In an authentic smile, her zygomatic major muscle moves upward, concealing the
lower teeth. In fake smiles, she will move the zygomatic major outward, which tends to reveal those
bottom teeth.

Take a look at these two images which ones the real smile, and which ones fake?


(Hint: look for crows feet + no bottom teeth)

Pretty easy to tell now, isnt it?

Do Bonders Have to be Slovenly?

Before we continue, let me address this point: if a girls a bonder, does that mean shes just a sloppy, terrible
dresser who makes awful impressions?
Not at all! Herere some of the big differences Ive noted:
1. Bonders can dress well too. However, they rarely dress as well as Actors. They dont put as much time
into their hair, and often dont wear makeup at all. Theyre more likely to wear clothes that are okay-looking
but not super sexy or fashionable. You can get them to dress up, but theyll tend to revert back to not
dressing up whenever youre not riding them on it. They care more about feeling comfortable than looking
their best.
2. How impressed someone is by her depends if he prefers Bonders or Actors. Ive noticed men who like
Actors are more impressed by your Actor girlfriends, while men who like Bonders are more impressed by
your Bonder girlfriends. Men who prefer Actors will tend to be unimpressed by your Bonder girlfriends and
view them as too nice or matronly, while men who prefer Bonders will tend to instinctively dislike your Actor
girlfriends and view them as too shark-like. Much of this comes down to what kind of circles you roll in: if
you have a lot of appearance-focused friends, theyll approve more of your Actor girlfriends than your
Bonder ones. If you have a lot of salt-of-the-earth type friends, theyll like your Bonder girlfriends better.
3. Bonders are more likely to put on weight or let themselves go. If youre good at staying on top of your
woman and you understand the precepts of operant conditioning, this ones not too big a problem. But at
least as far as her keeping that little waist and slender arms, Actors are lower maintenance than Bonders.
Bonders you have to stay on top of.
So if youre a guy whos into Actors, and youre reading this article thinking, Man, there are some real downsides


to Actors, but then youre thinking, But you know, I really like my girl to look good can I even get that with
Bonders? those are your answers.
Now, lets talk about the argument in favor of Actors.

The Argument for Actors

The big three reasons I see guys list for wanting to date Actors are:

Theyre harder to get. Whether its because the guy likes challenges or he figures harder-to-get girls
are lower partner count girls (and thus, more faithful mates), he views these girls difficulty to acquire as a
sign they are the top of the top.


They look damn good. Were visual creatures, us men. Theres no denying a girl in a sleek, sexy
dress, with gorgeous hair, and perfect makeup looks striking. If you have to choose between her and a girl
who looks more... ordinary... how is that even a choice?


Theyre higher status. Because theyre appearance-focused, Actors tend to cultivate an air of high
status about them. They hang out in high status places, befriend high status people, and date high status
males. If you date them, doesnt that mean you are high status, too? A lot of guys are looking for that
sense of legitimacy; that validation of their own statuses. And status does tend to rub off; if you date a high
status girl, people will assume you must be high status as well. After all, why would she be with you if you
werent? For a lot of guys, dating a Actor can be a sign theyve made it.

A few points Id like to raise to consider on each of these arguments:

She is more challenging to get; no argument there. I like taking Actors for the same reason theyre a
nice challenge for a pickup, when youre out for a challenge. If you like to challenge yourself, Actors are
almost always the level bosses for wherever youre at.
However, she isnt a guarantee to have a lower partner count. In my experience, Actors tend to have
higher partner counts. Confused? Let me enlighten you. While a Actor is in general harder to approach
and pick up than a Bonder, Actors also tend to put themselves in a lot more situations to be picked up on
and approached. A Bonder may go to the club once or twice a year, while a Actor is there every week. A
Bonder has one or two guy friends who are mildly attractive; a Actor surrounds herself with powerful, sexy,
high status males.
Actors are also more motivated to take on partners... Because they have most of the same motives of
Bonders, with the additional motive of status gain. If a Actor can hook up with a high status man and
inherit some of his status, she often will, because her focus is appearance and this benefits it. Bonders
seek out connections, loyalty, and bonds, and while they can get this from sexual relationships with men,
they can also get it from platonic relationships, and they can get it from girlfriends. Actors cant get nearly
the same boost to status from high status platonic male friends or girlfriends as they can high status male
Status is highly location-dependent. A girl may be high status in your favorite nightclub, but no matter how
well she dresses, take her to that underground techno music club across town and shes just another
nobody there. That said, her bearing and comportment can help make better impressions on other Actorpreferring men when you take her to dinners or out on the town, so if youre immersed in circles of men
who like Actors you may want an Actor girlfriend, simply to help their impressions of you / to advance your
social position or career.
I didnt bother to talk about the look damn good part, because Ive discussed that before in-depth. In case you
havent read it, I suggest you check out my article Youre Passing Up the Hottest, Coolest Girls its all about


perception versus reality with the women you meet.

Whatre the Risks of an Actor?

The risks with Actors primarily are:
1. Less supportive relationships
2. Less happy/rewarding relationships
3. More vulnerability to the Whirlwind of Chaos
The Whirlwind of Chaos, in case youre just tuning in, being that phenomenon where stuff in your life starts going
wrong, and rather than pitch in and help your woman decides to start flipping out, views you as weak, piles on,
and makes things a whole lot worse.
Remember, an Actors concern is her appearance . And if she begins to think you are making her look bad and
dragging down her reputation, she may try to help if she thinks its salvageable, but if not she is going to ratchet
up the tests to ridiculous levels trying to find out ASAP if youre just a strong guy in a bad situation, or youve
been undermined by life and its time for her to exit.

The tradeoff.
These three risks alone are enough for me to avoid Actors for relationships, personally. I dont much care if Actorpreferring friends of mine are less impressed with my girlfriends... Much in the way guys like Mark Zuckerberg or
Bill Gates or Elon Musk wife up women who arent really all that cute (though to be fair, my girlfriends are a fair bit
cuter than theirs). And if I have a Bonder girlfriend start to put on a little weight, I just get on her about it until she
gets thin again. If I want her to wear something nice, I just tell her what to wear and its fine (Put on your striped
dress and do your hair up, you look good that way).
But even if you want to date Actors, thats fine just go in knowing what the risks are, and plan around them.
Make sure you have other support systems in place, and arent as dependent upon an Actor girlfriend as a


source of interpersonal happiness. The Whirlwind of Chaos is the most dangerous risk factor here, but if youre
smart about managing your obligations and assets you should be okay. You should take steps to protect yourself
with all people youre involved in, but with people theres more risk with, you want to take more precautions.

A Few Takeaways for You

Lets get back to practical application. What have we learned?
Well, weve discovered that:
Bonders are easier to approach, pick up, and sleep with, all things considered
Yet Actors are often what youll run into more in nightclubs and other highly social venues. They can offer
more of a challenge and make the more interesting prospects for seduction
Bonders are most interested in making connections with other people, and they feel a greater degree of
loyalty toward and protectiveness about those theyve connected with. By contrast, Actors form looser
bonds, based on status, and the question of How much do you benefit me right now? This makes your
ties with Actors more fragile and more conditional (i.e., she can change her mind about you if you
suddenly gain or lose status)
Youll have better, happier, more supportive relationships with Bonders, generally speaking
Actors more proactively take care of their appearances and are less likely to let themselves go its
more work to keep Bonders looking good in a relationship and you have to stay on them more
Different men will like your girlfriends more or less depending on their own preferences in women. Men
who like Actors will like your Actor girlfriends more, while men who like Bonders will like your Bonder
girlfriends more
Actors pose a greater relationship risk to you than Bonders. They care for you less, and are more likely to
abandon ship if the waters get choppy (or a much shinier ship passes starboard)
How about picking up these girls in the first place?
In my experience, Actors respond best to displays of dominance, confidence, and status, while Bonders respond
best to emotional connections and displays of emotional intimacy. Actors like the strong, aloof guy, while Bonders
like the warm, sensual guy. Both girls enjoy flirting, teasing, and playfulness from men they find attractive, of
course (girls are girls are girls!).
So, if youre going for Actors, put your own Act on. If youre going for Bonders, break out your a little Bond.
Bonders are probably better for what most guys will want relationships for (unless you really need the status
boost of an Actor). However, Actors can be loads of fun and a serious test of skills when you go out to pick up...
And you may even find if you havent developed your connection game (and deep diving) that well yet, theyre
even easier for you than Bonders are (who need to feel that bond, typically).
Just know the downsides of the emotional suppression Actors engage in, and plan accordingly. That way you limit
your downside... Which is always the smart play.