Abducted!

A Tom and Jay Cartoon

By Thomas Pilotte

2016

EXT. BUDD DWYER PARK - NIGHT

Tom and Eva walk down a path in the park.

EVA
So what did Jay think about your
theory?
TOM
He said it wouldnt work because
clowns dont have souls.
EVA
Well, hes right.
TOM
I know, but it was just the way
that he said it that made me feel
unimportant. He never listens to
my ideas.
EVA
He listens to my ideas.
TOM
Because he craves the acceptance
of others who arent me. And
because you have tits--even
though your ideas are awful and
the result of mind-altering
chemicals brought on by years of
terrible life decisions.
EVA
(giggling)
Yeah.
Eva stops and reflects for a moment while Tom continues
walking.
EVA
(more serious)
Wait, what?
Tom walks along the path for a moment when a bright purple
light shines from the sky. A spaceship appears, shining
even more lights down upon him. He floats up to the
spaceship and disappears through an opening, which closes
after him. The spaceship warps away. Eva walks up to where
Tom was originally standing.
EVA
Tom? Did you see that? Was that
real? How high am I? Am I alive?
Eva stretches out her mouth.

2.

EVA
Alive. Alive? A-love. Love?
Eva pauses for a moment.
EVA
Yep. Really high. Nice.
2

INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP - LIVING QUARTERS

Tom is alone in a central location in the room. The

central location is brightly lit with a bed, a chair, and
a desk. The exterior of the living quarters are dimly lit.
Suddenly, a door opens, with bright backlighting obscuring
a human-like figure who advances towards Tom.
TOM
(to the figure)
Uh, hi.
The figure advances into the central light, reveling the
figure to be Samuel L. Jackson.
JACKSON
(constantly yelling)
Whats up, motherfucker?!
TOM
Samuel L. Jackson? What are you
doing on a spaceship? Havent you
ruined science fiction enough
with your boring, stale portrayal
of Mace Windu in "Star Wars"?
JACKSON
No, bitch, Im an alien! We
thought that you would respond
more positively to an esteemed
member of your popular culture!
TOM
Where did you get your
information from, the year 2004?
JACKSON
Well, what would you prefer,
motherfucker?!
TOM
What about just the cheesy,
generic green aliens with big
eyes? And maybe with the voice of
Tom Hanks.
Samuel L. Jackson transforms into a typical Alien. He
speaks with Tom Hanks voice.

3.
ALIEN
Is this more to your liking?
TOM
I guess. The transformation was
kind of weak.
ALIEN
Now that we have that settled,
wed like to welcome you to our
spaceship. You have been chosen
out of all of the humans of Earth
to participate in our First
Contact program. We will learn
from you in order to facilitate a
smoother process when we contact
your government.
TOM
(unimpressed)
Uh huh. And which government
would that be?
ALIEN
The thriving hub of democracy,
equality, and freedom...
TOM
I think I know where youre going
here.
ALIEN
The socialist republic of Norway.
TOM
Norway?! What the hell?!
ALIEN
Wait, are you not from Norway?
Alien pulls out a laser pistol and aims it at Toms head.
ALIEN
Because I would have to shoot
your with this space-gun if you
werent.
TOM
Maybe. Why?
ALIEN
We conducted our research very
carefully, and found that the
Norwegians would be most amenable
to be the country of "first
contact" based on their societal
values based on economic equality
and world peace.

4.

TOM
(begrudgingly)
Well, yes. I love those things.
Because I *am* Norwegian after
all.
Alien puts the laser pistol away.
ALIEN
Thats excellent to hear! Well
let you get settled in your
living quarters. We have a
space-bed for you to sleep...
TOM
(interrupting)
Wait, do you call everything
"space-this" and "space-that"?
ALIEN
While we are in space, yes.
Otherwise we wouldnt know that
we are in space. There is also a
space-chair and space-desk for
you to study.
TOM
You can just get rid of the desk
and chair. Im not a fucking
space-nerd, you know.
Aliens communicator beeps and he flips it out.
ALIEN
Yes?
RESPONSE
(from communicator)
We have a problem. Larry made the
wrong navigation calculations
again.
LARRY
(from communicator)
Yeah, sorry dude!
Alien puts his hand on his forehead in frustration.
ALIEN
(to himself)
Fucking Larry.
(to Tom)
If youll excuse me for a moment.
Alien moves out of the center of the room and continues
his conversation.

5.

TOM
(to himself)
No respect for America, huh? The
nation that gave us such
progressive ideas as the
two-party political system,
pumpkin spice-flavored crap, and
the first black American
president? You aliens will regret
the day you abducted me!
Alien comes back to the center of the room to speak with
Tom.
ALIEN
I must go to the bridge to see to
ships business. If there is
anything we can do to make you
more comfortable, please let us
know.
TOM
Well, in our beloved and
venerable Norwegian constitution,
it is our right when brought into
a new home to receive a bowl of
macaroni and cheese. You must
respect my countrys traditions!
ALIEN
Of course.
Alien pushes a button on his communicator and a bowl of
macaroni and cheese materializes in his hand. He hands the
bowl to Tom.
ALIEN
If there is anything else...
Tom throws the bowl violently against the wall, shattering
it and sending macaroni everywhere.
TOM
What the hell is this shit?
Everyone knows that I like cut-up
hotdogs in my macaroni and
cheese, and I look down and
theres no hotdogs! You
disrespect my countrys culinary
traditions?
ALIEN
Of course not! We will see to it!
Alien pushes a button on his communicator and a bowl of
macaroni and cheese--with cut-up hotdogs--materializes.

6.

TOM
Thats better! Im also going to
need a few other things: A Queens
of the Stone Age pinball machine,
which Im pretty sure is Norways
national sport...
Alien pushes a button and a Queens of the Stone Age
pinball machine materializes.
TOM
...a beer fountain with Dogfish
Head IPA, which is the national
drink of Norway...
Alien pushes a button and a beer fountain appears.
TOM
...that hot-looking green slave
girl from "Star Trek" which is
our countrys favorite type of
slave girl...
Alien pushes a button and a green slave girl appears.
TOM
...another even hotter blue slave
girl, just because I want one...
Alien pushes a button and a blue slave girl appears.
TOM
...and maybe some...
ALIEN
(interrupting)
I need to go. Maybe make a
space-list for all of the things
you need.
Alien leaves the living quarters. Tom stands around
looking for a moment.
SLAVE GIRL
Master, would you like me to...
TOM
Oh my God! Cant I just have some
space, please, without you
smothering me!

7.
3

EXT. TOM AND JAYS HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

INT. TOM AND JAYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jay is at his science work bench reading a magazine titled

"Horny for Scientists" with a cover picture of a model in
a white lab coat wearing glasses. Eva walks through the
front door, and Jay scrambles to hide the magazine under
various pieces of technology.
JAY
(finding something to say)
Eva, hi! I was just contemplating
my next invention. What are you
doing here?
EVA
Do you remember when we were
talking about how keeping Tom out
of trouble is like keeping track
of a dog?
JAY
Ha, yeah, we all had a good
laugh.
EVA
Well, does he still have that
tracking device you planted on
him?
JAY
Well, lets see.
Jay pulls out a piece of technology that looks like a
tracking device. He fiddles with the knobs for a moment.
JAY
It says here that he was at Budd
Dwyer Park at 9:53 PM, then we
went out of range of the device.
EVA
Wait, I think I know what
happened. I saw a bunch of lights
and heard a bunch of weird
sounds, and I think I saw Tom
float up to the sky on a purple
buffalo.
JAY
Are you saying that Tom is some
kind of deity who ascended to the
heavens la some sort of strange
creation myth? Because it just
sounds like you were at a rave
and did a bunch of brain-frying
drugs.

8.

EVA
Why do you think everything I say
or do is because of drugs?
JAY
Because literally every time I
see you, you are lit out of your
mind. Youre smoking a joint
right now as we speak.
Eva takes a hit off of a joint and blows out the smoke.
EVA
Thats an exaggeration.
Eva moves closer to Jay and begins touching his arm
seductively.
EVA
But if you help me find Tom, it
would make me *very* happy.
Jay stares at Eva and stumbles to gather needed materials
from his work bench.
JAY
Well, then lets get moving!
Jay accidentally throws his copy of "Horny for Scientists"
on the ground. Eva gives Jay a weird look.
JAY
(embarrassed)
I dont know what that is. Ive
never seen it before.
Jay continues to search for equipment, then accidentally
throws another magazine on the ground, "Horny for Black
Scientists". Eva gives Jay another weird look.
JAY
Im not going to lie to you, Eva:
that is definitely Toms
magazine.
5

INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP - LIVING QUARTERS

Alien walks up to Tom, who is sitting in a comfortable
chair, being given a pedicure by two other aliens.
ALIEN
Tom, we seem to have a bit of a
problem here.
TOM
Oh my God. One: I dont care! And
two: can it wait until after my
(MORE)

9.

TOM (contd)
asteroid pumice pedicure and
space avocado facial?
ALIEN
You keep mentioning that youre
from Norway...
TOM
Yeah, I sure am! Fish! Fjords!
...And et cetera!
ALIEN
...But weve been looking through
the Norwegian constitution, and
we cant find any of the demands
that youve mentioned to us.
TOM
Those are not demands! Those are
our sacred rights that our
fathers and grandfathers fought
and died for! Rights that someday
we will be expected to defend as
well. And then, too lazy and
cowardly to actually fight for
these rights, well look to Iron
Man to fight for them on our
behalf.
ALIEN
Iron Man is American, not
Norwegian.
TOM
Norwegian Iron Man, then!
ALIEN
Point being: all of that stuff
that you wanted us to do isnt
actually in the constitution.
TOM
(chuckling)
Well, Id think not. Not since
the revolution, that is.
ALIEN 1
What revolution?
TOM
The Great Revolution of 1652!
Where we fought for independence
against the Swedes! And their
mighty furniture empire!

10.
ALIEN
The copy of the Norwegian
Constitution we found on your
worlds internet was dated 2004.
TOM
Time bandits! Probably hired by
those filthy Swedish animals!
ALIEN
Were starting to think that this
isnt working out between us.
TOM
Whats to work out? I am an
American, which means you have to
do whatever I say--I mean,
Norwegian! Im Norwegian! My name
is Tom Jorgenson. Yorsthy borshty
tum!
ALIEN
(to an alien off-screen)
Drop him.
A hole opens out from the floor. Tom is able to jump and
grab Alien, and they both fall down to Earth.
6

EXT. BUDD DWYER PARK - POND - NIGHT

Tom and Alien fall into the pond. Alien begins wildly
flailing his arms about and screaming as if the water is
causing him harm. Tom makes his way to the edge of the
pond, meeting Jay and Eva.
EVA
Tom, we found you!
TOM
You mean, you were searching for
me?
JAY
No, not really. In fact, we were
just talking about how our lives
would be better without you.
TOM
(sincerely)
Aw, I missed you too, buddy!
Tom hugs Jay, who looks confused. Tom turns and looks at
Alien, still struggling in the water.
TOM
Haha, take that you stupid
bastard!

11.

JAY
It looks like his DNA cant
handle the molecular structure of
water!
TOM
Just like that M. Night
Shamalayan movie, "The Last
Airbender"!
Alien recovers in the pond and stops screaming.
ALIEN
No, you idiots! Land-water
doesnt kill us. Its just its
is really cold and I got some of
it up my nose and I *hate* it
when I get water up my nose.
Tom moves to the edge of the pond and splashes Alien.
ALIEN
Hey!
The lights of the spaceship appear above. A green light
shines down on Alien.
ALIEN
You fool. You damn fool. You
would have experienced luxury and
pleasure beyond your wildest
dreams. But you wasted it all.
And for what? Just to abuse your
power and exploit those kinder
and more enlightened than you?
TOM
Well, yeah. And it was fun! So
thanks for that.
JAY
Wait, pleasure beyond my wildest
dreams? Can you take me instead?
ALIEN
No, this man was your only hope.
EVA
(to Tom)
Thanks, dick.
TOM
You snooze, you lose, idiots!
A rope with a small stirrup lowers from the direction of
the spaceship.

12.
ALIEN
All of that is gone now. And all
hope for humanity is...
Alien 1 notices the rope. Disgruntled, he flips out a
communicator.
ALIEN
Whats up with the tractor beam?
Why isnt it working?
RESPONSE
(from communicator)
Larry spilled his Pepsi all over
the controls.
ALIEN
Again?
RESPONSE
(from communicator)
Yep.
LARRY
(from communicator)
Yeah, sorry dude!
Alien puts his hand to his forehead, dealing with his
disappointment.
ALIEN
(to the group)
Im just going to go now.
Alien puts his foot in the stirrup and slowly ascends up
to the spaceship.
ALIEN
(to himself)
Fucking Larry.
Alien finishes ascending, and the spaceship leaves Earth,
leaving a rainbow in its wake similar to the film "E.T."
EVA
So beautiful.
JAY
Clearly a superior civilization
to ours.
TOM
Did you know they didnt even put
cut-up hot dogs in my macaroni
and cheese like I wanted? What
kind of an advanced civilization
is that?

13.

EVA
Oh. Well then screw that.
JAY
Uh, yeah. I hate them, too.
Losers.
(to Eva)
Please like me.
CUT TO BLACK.
THE END.