If only you had been self-ironic.

If only you could have seen yourself from the outside.

Then you would see how pathetic and ridiculous you were.
You would laugh, because you had a sense of humour, yes you did.
Just not enough.
Last night I woke up because you were standing in front of me. I reached out for you, wanted to
hold your face, but then I saw that you were holding something. The child you never gave me.
But you had me. Didnt you love me?
Is loving the same as being full of love?
What were you so afraid of?
I wish I could kiss you now.
I cant do without you.
I cant live without you.
I go into your room. There are the toys you loved. You could sit for hours. Then I open the drawer
with your clothes, theres a tiny shirt, it smells good, and underneath it theres a small matchbox.
I open it and inside are three milk teeth. I take them out of the box. Theyre cold, but I squeeze
them and suddenly I know that this is all I have left of your body.

THE END

NOTE ON THE TEXT:

The text is based partially on so-called authentic material such as interviews with bereaved family members, excerpts from
websites, etc. However, all the material has been rewritten and edited. I have also quoted, among others, Derek
Humphreys Final Exit, as well as a number of books and articles in Danish.
Christian Lollike

33

And it sounded more and more false and in the end I had to give up.
Then I sat on the couch.
On the sidewalk.
With the phone in my hand.
And my hands in my lap.
Suddenly I realized that everything had changed.
The way the birds are chirping.
The paint on the wallpaper in the bedroom.
And then I threw up.
Constantly sweating.
Opened windows. Closed them again.
Got headaches.
Couldnt eat.
Was tired.
Couldnt sleep.
Wide awake.
And was tired.
What could I have done more?
I know I could have done more.
I know it.
I could have.
Couldnt I?
Its been a month since we put her to rest. I havent started reading the paper or watching TV
yet. I see the headlines, but ... terror, ozone, football the world is so small and Im just a little
stone, sitting on the couch looking at it all.
I loved you with a love I was too shy to express properly.

32

Not when you love and are loved.

I hate you.
The fucking mess you left in my heart.
I really hate you, because you dont get it, do you?
It might be that you felt dumped, left out, like garbage, because you couldnt... but this this Ill
never forgive.
I look in the mailbox every day. I know its silly, but...
Sometimes it feels like youre still here.
Why didnt you write a note?
Because you couldnt face yourself without crying?
Because you cried your eyes out?
Because your life is worth nothing?
No dignity?
Because darkness was in love with you?
Because death looked at you?
Because this is a world in which you couldnt live?
Because you never should have been born?
I sat down on the couch.
Called family and friends.
I went out on the street.
To the neighbours.
Wanted to tell them myself.
Rang the doorbell.
Rang.
Something terrible has happened.
Something terrible has happened.

31

PART 4. THE INSERTIONS OF THE BEREAVED.

I walked in the door and its so strange and then I see you, Dad, lying over the table, and then all
I remember is Mum screaming. Sometimes Im in the ceiling, on one of the chandeliers theres a
little spot and I know I know its you.
I found a napkin. There was a little jam stuck to the corner, but there were also letters. It was
Dads writing and even though it didnt say anything, I kept it just to...
I told you not to do it. I told you. I told you not to do it.
I would have done anything. Taken you to the end of the world. Or just to the swimming pool.
I woke up last night because you were sitting at the foot of the bed. You were sitting on my bed,
alive. I reached out for you, held your head and kissed your face and told you everything was
going to be alright.
Nobody could help her. Mum and Dad least of all. We tried. Mum and Dad wanted her to die too.
They would never say it, but...
Damn you, I hate you and your...
You dont do that when you have two children.
Why have you forsaken me, father?
Why have you forsaken me?
Its your duty to endure the pain. It is. For me, you pathetic fool, for me.
Coward.
Bastard.
Failure.
Coward.
Bastard.
Failure.
Failure.
Bastard.
You and your individual freedom.
No, you dont have the right to your own fucking life.
Not when someone loves you.

30

PART 3. SUICIDE RIGHTS.

You might think this little game of ours is ridiculous, but its actually not that difficult to kill
yourself.
1.
You go to your doctor and tell him that you have trouble falling asleep. You take whatever
he gives you, but then you tell him that it doesnt work. Keep doing this until the doctor
sees no other way out than to give you the strongest pills he knows of.
2.
If you cant get your hands on the strongest sleeping pills, you should combine what you
have with the use of a plastic bag.
3.
Make sure you eat as little as possible.
When your stomach only contains little or no food at all, the sphincter between the
stomach and the small intestine will typically open up three times every minute. In the
opposite situation, when theres plenty of food in the stomach, the stomach recognizes the
solid food and the sphincter remains closed. The faster the drugs reach the small intestine
with its faster blood circulation, the quicker you will reach the desired result.
4.
Combine this with the intake of alcohol, and the massive attack on the central nervous
system will be even faster.
5. Have a little patience, and you will soon be dead.
We offer this kind of advice because we DONT believe that we live for each other. But we do think
that we have a common responsibility. A responsibility to free ourselves and each other from the
old Christian idea of guilt.
Why should the bereaved and the suicide candidate feel guilt at all?
Isnt suicide a fundamental human right?
Then why not give this right a permanent place in our society?
Isnt our common responsibility all about securing our fellow human beings a maximum of
INDIVIDUAL RIGHTS so that we can help our neighbour live out his or her dreams to the full
extent?
It is clear to us that our way of thinking today will be considered unethical within the majority
of theological, legal, philosophical and medical environments, because they refer to a different
kind of common responsibility. The idea that we humans are committed to each other, so to
speak.
However, this assumption rests on an ethical fallacy. Because how can a commitment be morally
or ethically binding when it has been forced upon you? NOBODY has asked to be born. And so
NOBODY can insist that you at any price MUST live. Remember: You must fill your days with
life and not your life with days.

29

C
That the world is confused, and all you can do is shit, eat and work and hope, but ... what for?
A
I cant stand living in a civilization that only directs me to the merciless demand of self-realization.
I cant stand living in a civilization where everybody has to be a success, where nobodys allowed
to lose or to ask for help. My resum is full of defeats. So help me my life is nothing but my
daily, pathetic, increasing, confusing anxiety. I have named myself FAI-LU-RE and I wont play
the part any more. I want to wake up and leave this fucking nightmare because I will never be
cured. I have the doctors word for it. Thats why Ive come here.
B
Gersine and I have done a little analysis on your psychological profile. We have no doubts. Youre
in a defective condition and your absence or extermination would only benefit everyone. Not only
planned political and social progress, but also your family. Theyve already lost you as it is. Youre
not coming back.
C
Therefore weve prepared a list of award winning psychiatrists who are standing by to help you
with your mental death preparation.
B
If you wish, youre welcome to use our in-house rhetorician. She can assist you in composing your
own personal farewell-note.
C
There you are and congratulations.
B
You may die now.
A
THANK YOU.

28

B
Do you hear voices?
C
Are you easily upset?
B
Do you feel overlooked?
C
Do you feel outdone?
B
Used?
C
Burned out?
B
Frozen out?
C
Scared?
B
Do you feel like youve gone astray?
C
Do you feel lost?
B
Do you hate your father?
C
Do you feel like you have a lot to live up to?
B
Too much?
C
Do you feel like somethings forgotten, lost, taken from you?
B
That the world is completely wrong?
C
That your dreams laugh at you?
B
That God is a gambler who has played his last joker?

27

C
Do you put your money in real estate?
B
Do you have a partner?
C
Are you gay?
B
Do you have any children?
C
How large is your network?
B
Do you loathe disabled people?
C
Do you easily become aggressive?
B
How do you react to pregnant women?
C
Are you good at handling defeat?
B
Do you like to compete?
C
When was the last time you choked from laughter?
B
How hot are you on a scale from 1-1000?
C
Have you ever been diagnosed with a depression?
B
What do you feel right now?
C
How much do you weigh?
B
Are you a cutter?
C
Do you have a low self esteem?

26

A
You see, my body is full of souls and theyre all saying:
C
Do it.
B
Come on, do it.
C
Do it.
B
Come on, do it.
C
Do it now.
A
Yesterday, hysterical crying gave me relief. It came upon me without reason. Suddenly the void
was staring at me. It stared at me and I got scared.
I crept into a corner of the bed, but it kept coming closer it grew bigger and bigger until I
couldnt fight it anymore.
B
Do you believe in God?
C
Are you an atheist?
B
Anarchist?
C
Communist?
B
Liberal?
C
Are you torn?
B
Are you employed?
C
Any debt?
B
Do you moonlight?

25

Okay?

C
A

Okay.
B
So lets say youve arrived at THE EXIT SOCIETY head office. Youre at the check-in desk and you
say:
A
Ive come here because I want to free myself and my surroundings for the load it is to have
anything to do with me.
C
The receptionist nods and guides you to your place in line. A funny looking guy in front of you
asks you:
B
How would you like to die?
A
Just not alone.
B
Me neither.
C
Thats as far as you get, because suddenly youre sitting in front of a desk. Opposite you is Dr.
Philip the suicide-revolutionary and his assistant, Gersine, and she asks you how long youve felt
this way?
A
Since I began dreaming.
B
Dreaming?
A
Last night I dreamt I was walking amongst a group of people whose faces were empty in such a
sad way. They were just walking around restlessly amongst each other. As if they had lost
something. Something they couldnt lose. Suddenly one of them is standing behind me and as I
turn around she opens her mouth and says:
C
This is not a world in which I want to live.
B
This is not a world in which I can live.

24

Thats right, DIGNITAS never understood the modern demand for an INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY.
C
Theres no stronger IDENTITY than that of THE VICTIM. And suicide is the perfect confirmation of
a VICTIM IDENTITY.
B
Yes, a personal SUICIDE-MARK makes the individual life story perfect. DIGNITAS couldnt meet
that challenge.
C
DIGNITAS sold themselves on values like DIGNITY, SAFETY, STABILITY and LAW. VALUES that
THE EXIT SOCIETY have abandoned in order to satisfy the modern suicide candidates demands
for a personal touch.
A
I want to die in DIGNITAS.
B
Too late.
C
Join EXIT.
A
Who the fuck is EXIT?
C
THE EXIT SOCIETYs leader is Dr. Philip and hes a true SUICIDE-REVOLUTIONARY.
A
Whats the SERVICE like?
C
THE EXIT SOCIETY offers a variety of different services: Theres the quiet suicide. The profound
suicide. The melancholic suicide, the cynical suicide, the self-effacing suicide. Theres the funny
suicide and the shameless suicide, the sexy suicide and the dramatic suicide. Theres the fast
suicide and the slow suicide. The brooding suicide and the clumsy suicide. Theres the tactful
suicide and of course the suicide you compose yourself from our menu.
A
THIS SMELLS LIKE PROFIT.
B
ITS SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE PROFIT.
C
Otherwise THE EXIT SOCIETY has no interest in you.
B
Okay?

23

But if we in the HAPPINESS-INDUSTRY must invent Schwitzerland, and at the same time see that
it is done in a DIGNIFIED manner, well, then you have to be CREDIBLE, when you recite your
LINES OF AGONY. Because DIGNITAS is a decent and responsible company. It examines your
emotional performance to determine whether you have a genuine death-wish.
C
There you are.
A
Im afraid I cant do it, Daddy. I cant keep up the facade, because this life is not mine, not if its
like this.
I wanted to write a few words, to my son, on the napkin, but my hand was sticky and... and what
should I write?
I made a drawing, Mum. Its on the refrigerator. Its me there in the well, Mum. And there you are
scolding me with one eye, while the other...
I cant live, not anymore. And even though we had great, wonderful hours, days, well, then I
know that you too felt the gathering darkness, the fear, that day by day, descended on my mind,
complicated my smile.
It sounded so wonderful when they talked about happiness, but it rarely had anything to do with
me.
Jesus wipe that smile off your face. I see rats every day, gnawing at a man lying around in a
backyard with his face shot to pieces.
I dont stand a chance of escaping. You cant escape yourself. Yes, theres one way. Ceasing to
exist.
B
Gutentag Mensch, und hertzlich wilkommen aus Schwitzerland.
A
There are no Alps here...?
C
No, we sold them to a sporting company to raise capital for our suicide company EXIT SOCIETY.
A
But what about DIGNITAS?
B
DIGNITAS went bankrupt.
C
DIGNITAS didnt have a sustainable DEATH-PROFILE and wasnt able meet the demands for more
MODERN suicide-wishes.
B
Today, everyone wants to be unique .
C
And so do the suicides.
B

22

Who the hell is COUNCIL OF ETHICS?

C
COUNCIL OF ETHICS is the last moral stronghold in a world of profit oriented madness. COUNCIL
OF ETHICS holds hands with the UN and claims that recognition of human DIGNITY covers all
members of the human race no matter how large the personal GDP is. Because DIGNITY cant
be measured or calculated in ECONOMIC terms. Because dignity is above personal VALUE.
A
No.
C
Yes.
A
No, because dignity doesnt exist in the real world. Only VALUE counts. And Im not WORTH
anything, because my body doesnt produce personal GDP. And in that case the UN and the
COUNCIL OF ETHICS can claim that were all equal and have equal dignity, but this is the real
world, and the UN and the COUNCIL OF ETHICS both know that my body doesnt produce
anything so my value is worthless, and that disqualifies me from a worthy or dignified treatment.
Because there is a secret, but often used, dignity-barometer, and that barometer is used by the
authorities and private systems, and the systems that influence the social hierarchies. And the
social hierarchies influence how fragile I am. And all three systems determine my value.
B
And its low because you dont have a job.
C
And if you dont have a job, you dont have an identity.
B
And if you dont have an identity, youre a victim.
A
But not any kind of victim.
C
A victim who wants to die?
A
IN DIGNITAS!
B
And thats why we in the HAPPINES-SECTOR must invent Schwitzerland.
C
And we in the FUTURE-SECTOR must make sure, that its done in a RESPONSIBLE MANNER so
that your DIGNITY doesnt lose its value.
B

21

Invent fucking Schwitzerland!

C
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES.
A
Arent our bodies and our lives our personal property?
B&C
Yes!
A
Then why am I forced into making these unpleasant preparations that afflict PSYCHOSISPROVOCING surprises on my fellow human beings? Think about what the engine driver goes
through when I throw my body in front of his train. Think of the assistant nurse at the nursing
home who has to cut down my dirty body from the cross beam. Think about the man, my uncle,
who finds my charred body in a bath tub. Think about the policeman who pulls my dead body
from the well. Think of my little child, who finds my brain splattered on the wall.
IN THIS COUNTRY WE USED TO HOLD THE EUROPEAN RECORD IN SUICIDES.
B
Not anymore.
C
Thanks to modern therapy.
B
Thank you, modern therapy thank you.
C
And thanks to the pharmaceutical industry.
B
Thank you, pharmaceutical industry thank you.
C
Its become a lot easier to breathe.
A
I WANT A PROPER SUICIDE SERVICE. THATS WHY YOU HAVE TO INVENT SCHWITZERLAND.
C
Aber hast du COUNCIL OF ETHICS gefragt?
A
WAS?
C
Hast du COUNCIL OF ETHICS gefragt?
A

20

Silence.
THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP: HELP.
THIS CRY FOR HELP WASNT HEARD.
SO I CRY AGAIN: HELP!
B
God, you can be so earnest.
C
God, you can be so earnest.
So lets say were your very earnest friends, those who put your life into a serious perspective,
because we actually do have successful careers.
B
Of course.
C
Because were full of initiative and super progressive.
B
Full of willpower.
C
And with the ability to map out a twisted, and yet very focused plan of action for an exemplary
and creative working life.
B
I regard HAPPINESS as the true purpose of life. A purpose no other purposes should be allowed to
compete with. Because I regard happiness as a universal human right. I wish happiness for
everybody including you. Thats why Ive chosen a job in the HAPPINESS-INDUSTRY. Honey,
what can we do for you?
A
Invent Schwitzerland.
C
Invent Schwitzerland how?
A
Invent Schwitzerland.
C
So lets say I consider the future to be very important. Something we must treasure. And so Ive
chosen a job in THE FUTURE-SECTOR. Hoping that I can contribute to a safe future for all. And Im
not sure that we in THE FUTURE-SECTOR will look mildly at THE PRODUCT Schwitzerland.
A

19

A
How did you know?
C
Everybody has that dream.
A
BUT I HAVE IT ALL THE TIME.
C
FUCK.
FUCK.

A
Its because I was born with a very unfortunate gift. My soul collects suffering. If I hear about a
pain, a loss, a want it creeps into me and inhabits me. When I watch the news I feel like
shooting myself, being raped, drowning, winning the lottery, crying, screaming, yelling and
complaining about EVERYTHING.
AND IVE WRITTEN LETTERS TO THE NEWS SEVERAL TIMES:
PLEASE ONLY BROADCAST PO-SI-TI-VE NEWS. MORE NEWBORN CHIMPANSES, THANK YOU. FOR
GODS SAKE, GIVE ME AN ENDLESS WEATHER REPORT. But even though I write these letters,
nothing happens. And its because Im a very boring person. Im not somebody you react to.
C
The prime minister says that the people in this country have been weighed, measured and
examined. The results show that were the happiest people on earth.
A
The prime minister might say so, but thats not the case for me.
B
Its because you dont have a job.
C
Its because you dont have a job.
A
Thats what they keep telling me, that I have to get better at selling myself. But its really hard to
sell a boring person. And I am boring. Very. Incredibly. People yawn when they see me. And they
fall asleep if I open my mouth. FREUD SAYS THAT IN REALITY, EVERY PERSON IN YOUR DREAMS
IS YOURSELF, AND THATS WHY I KEEP SCRUBBING AND RUBBING MY ID AND MY SUPER-EGO,
BUT MY BODY IS STILL FULL OF SOULS AND ALL THEY SAY IS:
B&C
Das Elend bleibt. Sowie es war/Du kannst es nicht ausrotten ganz und gar/Aber du machst es
unsichtsbar.
A
AND WHEN THEY SAY THAT, I GET AN ITCHING URGE TO KILL MYSELF.

18

PART 2. SUICIDE SERVICE

A
In Schwitzerland theres a clinic called DIGNITAS.
B
Was?
A
In Schwitzerland theres a clinic called DIGNITAS.
C
Und was mit DIGNITAS?
B
Und was mit DIGNITAS?
A
Its a clinic where you commit suicide. With dignity. Supervised by a DIGNITAS employee. Its
quite a lot of EURO, but the price includes DEATH-PREPARATION and legal assistance.
B
Thats what I call service.
C
Thats what I call service too.
A
Its INNOVATION. And MEETING DEMANDS. Were trailing way behind. We call it PAINKILLING
because were afraid of the term euthanasia. Because its prohibited. So we call it passive
euthanasia, but PASSIVE EUTHANASIA DOESNT EXIST.
C
PASSIVE EUTHANASIA is AN ACTIVE SERVICE, only offered to dying people.
B
Yes.
A
Last night I dreamt I was walking amongst a group of people whose faces were empty in such a
sad way. They were just walking around restlessly among each other, as if they were waiting for
something horrid to happen. Or else it had just happened. And the damage was irreparable . As if
their souls were robbed of something something you cant live without. I woke up all sweaty. I
stumbled into the kitchen to put on some coffee, but I didnt get far, because someone was
behind me, someone from my nightmare was standing behind me and as I turned around he
opened his mouth and said:
B&C
Das Elend bleibt. Sowie es war/Du kannst es nicht ausrotten ganz und gar/Aber du machst es
unsichtsbar.// Das Elend bleibt. Sowie es war/Du kannst es nicht ausrotten ganz und gar/Aber du
machst es unsichtsbar.

17

Who can take faith seriously, when priests sell out their dignity and kneel to the most infantile
ideas?
Faith is a relationship. Not a life insurance.
I have drunk the blood of Jesus and have tried to teach others to do it with me, but Lord, I failed.
And master of ceremonies is not my calling. Im not here for them, but here for you. You talked
inside my soul, through my mouth, but nobody would listen.
Now youre silent.
Why, Lord?
It sounded so great when they spoke of happiness, but it rarely had anything to do with you.
They like the setting.
They called me angry and bitter.
Im on my way, Lord. Your servant has heard your call.
Lord, your servant has heard your call.
A priest who kills himself is no human being. Hes a symbol. A symptom. Thats what the wise will
say... when they find me. And they will be right. I am a symptom.
Dressed in black and with a white collar I walk to the beach to say my last prayer.

16

Catalogue H
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I have become as
sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. Therefore I have officiated at my last funeral.
A
Good evening demons and thank you for coming.
E
They said their daughter didnt know how to live, and the mother said they didnt want too much
God and Jesus in the sermon.
A
Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top.
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
E
God doesnt depend on us believing in him. God is our friend in the dark. The place, where we
cant follow each other. He is there. And thats why I dont give a damn whether they want God
and Jesus or not. If you dont want God and Jesus why dont you just bury her in the backyard,
have a cup of coffee and listen to Cliff Richard. No, if thats the dignity with which we meet faith,
then I prefer the loneliness of God.
Once I could talk to God. He could interrupt in the middle of a sermon. It wasnt always
convenient.
A
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.
Down will come baby, cradle and all!
E
The worst parts were the funerals where I didnt know the deceased. Youre just standing there
waving your arms in front of the cross and do everything you can to sound sombre. To please a
family who had never even been to the church before. Its part of the job, my wife said, as she
had to walk me to church, time and time again, because God was trembling in my heart.
Christine was this and this sweet and loving, sweet and loving, the nicest person, the nicest
person, bla bla, phew, saved by a hymn.
Jesus, wipe that smile off your face.
And Jesus giggles. Giggles and giggles.
When I tell my wife, she refuses. Youre crazy, Paul. Crazy? No, its them and their: Twinkle,
twinkle, little star.
They all like the setting.
With Jesus and all.
Rock-a-bye Jesus

15

And when I dont have that, when I dont have that...?

14

It seeps in through the hole... what seeps in?

G
Aversion.
Husband
Aversion...
G
Yesterday, hysterical crying gave me relief. It came upon me without reason. I wasnt feeling sad
or disappointed, but suddenly the void was staring at me. It stared at me and I got scared.
Husband
What if you got pregnant...?
G
I crept into a corner of the bed, but it kept coming closer it grew bigger and bigger until I
couldnt fight it anymore. I started crying, completely... completely... completely...
Husband
Its your own thoughts, thats all.
G
I dont stand a chance of escaping. You cant escape yourself.
Yes, theres one way.
Husband
Its the easiest way too.
G
My sick mind will force me to use that way sooner or later.
And he came home and found me in the bathtub with my arteries cut. And I promised I would
never do it again. And he came home and found me in the attic tying the knot. And I promised I
would never do it again. And he came home and found me in bed with a handful of pills. And I
promised I would never do it again. And he came home and found me in the garage. The door
was closed and the engine was running. And every time he came home and was out of breath,
because he had been running, because every second mattered, and every time he grabbed the
door handle violently. The first three steps were always the fastest. And the sound of him panting,
the violent grabbing of the door handle, the many broken promises, the endless explanations, that
nobody really understood, not even myself, the expensive sessions, the anxiety and the wish to
do it again and again and again and again.
Husband
Why must I pretend I dont love you when I do?
G
Its not because I love someone else, you know that, but because I no longer have the ability it
takes.

13

Catalogue G
Its exactly one month ago today when I gave up completely. The flesh on my bones is almost
gone. The maggots are big and fat. The rubber band is still around my wrist. I had tied it tightly,
so that it would wake me up in the middle of the night and remind me of my decision. So that I
could finally do it. My husband said I suffered from a...
Husband
Biochemical imbalance.
G
A what?
Husband
A biochemical imbalance.
G
A mind failure.
Husband
Like when a child is born without an arm. You were born without a filter...
G
You must stop...
Husband
...to stop your thoughts.
G
You must stop loving me.
Husband
I cant.
G
You must.
Why?

Husband

G
It makes it easier...
Husband
But if we get you back to work...
G
Theres a tiny hole in my life. It seeps in through the hole. And the doctors dont know how to fix
it. And neither do you.
Husband

12

CATALOGUE F
The information I have given in this form is complete and is true to the best of my knowledge. I
am aware that it is an offence under the Danish Penal Code 161, the Aliens Consolidation Act
no. 945, 40 and 59-60 to make to a person acting in execution of any of those Acts a statement
or representation which I know to be false or do not believe to be true, or to obtain or to seek to
obtain leave to remain in Denmark by means which include deception.
It wasnt. But the executions I see at night are true and real. They fill my body with skeletons,
and already upon arrival they diagnosed chronic headaches, anxiety attacks and malfunctioning
nerves.
Violation of 40, section 1 or non-compliance with conditions for a permit laid down in this act is
punishable with a fine or with imprisonment for up to 4 months or, in aggravated circumstances
with imprisonment for up to 2 years. Furthermore I have to refund the expenses incurred by the
State through the examination of my case.
The name in my passport is fake. How they found out after so many years I cant tell, but Ive
filled up the bathtub with petrol.
It was my uncle who helped me with the paperwork and in a few minutes a lawyer will phone me.
A lawyer who thinks Im too ill to be repatriated, but Ive already been discharged from the
hospital, and so Ive put my best suit in the bathtub.
Dont feel sorry for me. Its my duty to submit to the Danish authorities, the correct information
necessary to establish whether I meet the conditions to be granted asylum in Denmark, according
to the Aliens Consolidation Act no. 945, 40. And I have submitted false information So I thank
you for the peace I found here.
I ask the lawyer if my application for life-extension has been rejected, and he laughs, and I laugh
as I get into the bath tub. I put on my suit. It smells of petrol and he asks:
- Are you still there?
- Yes.
- What are you going to do now?
- The application for asylum in Gods heaven is only accepted if submitted in person.
- At least you have your sense of humour and you need that in your situation.
Im sorry, but my mind is easily ignited because I see rats every day, gnawing at a man lying
around in a backyard with his face shot to pieces. Hes panting and reaches out for his daughter
whos sitting next to him, clutching her skipping rope. And something resembling a torso is
hanging from a tree and in the doorway an elderly woman is trying to pull a knife out of her
vagina. And the daughter screams and screams and screams, and the scream keeps me awake.
I tell him, that a sense of humour isnt just necessary, its mandatory to survive when you swallow
9 pills every day to keep the scream down and to blur the pictures.
The lawyer says that its a human rights violation.
- I will fight your cause.
- No thank you.
And then I close my eyes, light the match and ask Allah to grant me asylum.

11

Catalogue E
Woke up. Tubes in my mouth. Couldnt talk. Couldnt move. Legs gone. Arms. Paralyzed. White
coat. Doctor said: Accident.
- If I ever get so severely handicapped that I cant do anything by myself, then Id kill myself. I
would. Im not going to be some cripple, sitting around looking at the life I cant have, one whos
looked upon as a nobody, and who gets all sorts of weird, pitiful looks. No, never.
Thats what I said once. To a friend.
At the hospital. Other handicapped people. Admired them. They could find the strength. The
courage. Listened to them. They said:
- Your life will be different, completely different, and youll hate it, and curse it, really, but
happiness... exists in this world too...
- A world where you cant wipe yourself, cant change your own tampons, where youre fed
through a small hole in your neck, where you have to be turned over when you sleep and sit in a
ridiculous wheelchair and feel your feminine parts rot away. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I thought to myself.
- You must find dignity within yourself ... you must. And you must look beyond and into a whole
new world. You will become a different person. A new human being. A different soul.
- To know your own vulnerability. To know that EVERYTHING, everything can be changed in one
second. Live with that knowledge. Thats wisdom.
Thats what the cripple said.
I loved life. I loved looking good. Expensive clothes and nail polishes. I could spend hours. Men,
girlfriends, latte, tapas, shopping, yoga, fresh air, blue skies, red wine, strawberries, sex, shoes,
and perfume. Skiing holidays, movies and flowers.
The bitterness eats you up from the inside. Eats up the wisdom I sense. Steals up upon me. I give
up. Now. The wheelchair. Charging. The cable. Long enough. To reach the bathroom. In the
shower. On. Electricity. On. Water. Death.

10

Im broken, dear children, Ive gone into a thousand pieces, Im sorry.

And he crumples up the piece of paper, takes a deep breath, puts the barrel in his mouth and...
The coffee is cold, now, and hes lying there. The mouth is open, or almost gone. Blood is dripping
from the wall and in a minute...
In a minute the youngest will put his key in the lock, and that wasnt the way he had planned it,
not at all, but...

Catalogue D
My dear love, my dear beloved children, its entirely my fault, not yours, and so I have decided...
I dont have the strength. Not yet, but... I have terminat ed my contract with life. I have no more
obligations. Even though I leave behind a wife and two children. Two. Life and I never became
great friends even thought I think we both tried very hard... There are limits to how you can
treat other people, and even though my actions undoubtedly will put shame and blame on their
shoulders, I am resolved.
I tried to keep body and soul together, but you are your own worst enemy. And the man I saw in
the mirror in the morning, rarely looked back at me. But he observed me, more and more, and
from further and further away. Now he must write the last letter, and hes having a hard time
finding the proper, loving tone, that will make wife and children feel a quitted.
My dear, dear beloved children, theres no way back, not anymore, not for me. Its not you...
Please dont think that...
Theres a cup of coffee in front of him, its still hot. A cigarette in the ashtray and the hand holding
the pen is shaking. Maybe because he, in spite of his firm conviction, is still having trouble
aquitting himself completely. Or maybe hes just afraid that...
I cant live, not anymore. And even though we had great, wonderful hours, days, well, then I
know that you too felt the gathering darkness, the fear that, day by day, descended on my mind,
complicated my smile... and took the nights away from me.
Things werent great at work and he would often get up at night and walk around for hours. He
started being late to work, again and again. He got a reprimand, a warning, a final warning and a
concerned look from the secretary. Indefinite sick leave. He started to walk around during the
day. He forgot to pick up the kids, and she thought he was drinking, but no...
I knew already then that I would do it, that I would never return. Not even to you.
Ive lost so much of myself. You must believe me when I say that there was nothing you could do
you did everything.
And he doesnt think it sounds right. Even though its right, it sounds wrong. And he sees an
unhappy man with two children in front of him. He imagines that he can lean forward and look
over the mans shoulder and maybe just read the first sentence, just the first sentence. He has
asked the question so many times too why?
The children were so honest, and showed him their insecurity. They didnt want to be alone with
him. And would never sit on his lap. Because he had that thing with his legs, his legs were so
restless, and when the children cried, he panicked and couldnt comfort them and the doctor said
it was all imagination and mumbled something about loving your self and gave him some pills,
and it calmed his legs, but the children still wouldnt sit on his lap... And when they did anyway,
because their mother told them to, he could feel that they could feel that his arms and legs were
coming off, that he was like a dried out gingerbread man, lump sugar in a cup of coffee... And he
prayed to God for a diagnosis, because he wasnt satisfied with the diagnosis depression, its as
general and imprecise as happy, and he had had a depression, several of them, and that wasnt
it.

Ambulance left the address to transport the victim to the hospital for post-mortem examination at
16.10.
The well sealed and secured. Reporting officer and P.O. Sand left the address at 16.15pm.

Catalogue C
It was Mum who showed me the well.
You must never, never go there. Never ever, ever. You will die, thats what she said. Youll die. Ill
never, ever go there say it.
Fuck you, Mum, fuck you youll never see me again.
Dad didnt want me and now the Social Services are showing up. They have to, says Mum, its the
best thing for you.
But Id rather die, I told her that, but she says its because I dont know the Social Services,
because she cant take care of me. Why, you fat cow, why cant you take care of me?
So one night, when I had been dreaming a lot, I dreamt that I was dead. I just lay still and looked
up on myself. And then I went over to the others at school and told them that it didnt hurt, and
that I was dead now. And then I lay down just like that. And then the others jumped on me, and
Sandra, she spat at me, and Sophus, he tried to sit on my head and it didnt hurt.
I wore my best pair of shoes. And the T-shirt with the print on the belly, that Dad bought me. And
then I ran. As fast as I could. Or I maybe I just stood still at first, looking down. I dont
remember, because I had told myself that I would do it like that, but that wasnt how I did it. I
wasnt afraid at all, because even though she had said never, and I had made a promise, I knew
that she would be happy.
Youre not mad at me now, are you? Are you, Mum? Youre not mad at me anymore? Youre not,
are you?
And she wasnt, because there were also times where she would lie next to me in bed, which was
far to short for her legs, but she would lie next to me and cry and say that I should tell her that it
didnt matter.
Now shes completely rid of me, and thats good, because I cried a lot. And she didnt like that,
she would shake me, and she could do just what she wanted, because shes my mother and it
didnt matter afterwards not, if you stroke my hair, Mum.
I made a drawing, Mum.
Its on the refrigerator. Its me there in the well, Mum. And there you are scolding me with one
eye, while the other one is winking at me.
Police Officer
Reporting officer and P.O. Sand were dispatched today at 14.00pm to the address.
Upon arrival at 14.20pm the house and immediate surroundings were searched with a positive
result.
Ambulance called in at 14.50pm. Ambulance arrived at 15.15pm and man lowered into well.
15.35pm boy and man pulled out of well. Boy described as being:
A: White Caucasian male, height 115-120cm, normal body size, short blonde hair. White T-shirt,
jeans and sneakers.
Clear signs of livor m ortis on the victims hands and face, signs of progressing rigor mortis,
distended stomach and lesions to the skull.
Relative/mother to the boy identified herself as: Catherine Nielsen. She was notified of the find
and asked if she would assist in the identification of the victim, which she agreed to. She was
found sober, calm and ready for the identification.
Relative identified victim as being 100% identical with A at 15.56pm.
Relative agreed to the removal of the victim to the hospital/mortuary and gave permission to
perform an autopsy of the victim.

Catalogue B
My face is white. The is no pulse, and theres a little foam at my mouth. My bladder and my
bowels have emptied themselves onto the floor. My glasses are still on my nose, but fall off, the
moment they touch the rope. They do that now, and I slide into the arms of an auxiliary nurse.
They put me on the bed. Close my eyes, my mouth. How old was he? The police officer asks the
nurse whom I, the night before, had asked for enough medicine to take me out of here. She said
no. Im 74, so it will probably happen all by itself soon enough anyway, I said to her, and she
asked me about relatives. Relatives? I have my garden. It relies on me. At least until someone
else takes over. And then I have a son. But hes busy. He was brought up like that. A fine little
company, oh yes, debits and credits.
I wanted to write a few words, to my son, on the napkin, but my hand was sticky and... and what
should I write?
I leave the choice of hymns to them.
Happiness comes like a thief in the night. Your mother used to say so. And it was barely three
hours and you were lying in her arms, staring at the moon, drinking from her breast.
Happiness comes like a thief in the night, is what I said 13 years later, when she was in ward 12
43, with a drip in her arm, very thin, much thinner than I am now.
An urn is fine. Not that I think he wants it or anything, but I often sat there, looking at him, and
suddenly I would doubt. Is he really my son? I mean, of course he is, I know him, but I dont
know him or he so easily became someone different. Someone who wanted to be nice and such
... to the old man sitting next to him. When old stories have been told enough times, they cant
upset silence anymore.
I sat there, in that chair most of the day, waiting for my son to come and give silence a little
shake. The TV did its best, but it was far from enough. The news was the worst bit. Why should I
watch the news? An asphyxiated old man clinging to a walker. They cant afford me. Not in the
future. Thats what they said on TV, night after night. We must all get used to a little less,
because the Chinese are coming. Dont kid yourself, dear minister. Dont kid yourself. Thats what
I told him. You forced me into voting for a party I despise. Yes, youll be alright, but I, the old
man, who used to fix your toilet Im the one hanging from the cross beam.
Nothing is certain but death and taxes isnt that how it is? Nothing is certain but death and
taxes...
I knew just the spot. Still, my hands shook when I tied the rope.

smiles of your loved ones, in your dreams. You must allow your grief room, you must face it, you
must, because you carry a responsibility: It must not become the meaning of your beloved
daughter that you all go to pieces. That is why we are here today. To let the grief run freely in a
song to death together so that God can take. She is with Him now.
A
There, he sprinkles the earth...

A
Im exhausted. I get so anxious and insecure. I feel wrong, judged, fat, hot and sexy. Teens want
to live to the max, so they say, Daddy, but it doesnt make any sense.
What do you doubt?
Why do we pretend that this is how we want to live?
But, darling, youre both...
What am I?
Pretty and...
And what?
Im afraid I cant do it, Daddy. I cant keep up the facade, because this life is not mine, not if its
like this.
Youre not making any sense.
Priest
You feel the darkness falling. Enter it. And what we pray for is that there is a friend in the
darkness too.
A
I cry because I feel so damned sorry for myself, because I cant play the fucking part anymore,
because the part is tired of me, because I keep judging myself. I dont want to be so full of goals,
because youre not allowed to lose, because everybody cares for themselves because I have to
face Daddy and Mummy and Thomas as I repeat again and again and again: I DONT WANT TO
LIVE.
Priest
When Jonah was at the bottom of the sea, entangled in seaweed, his faith had left him.
A
Why are you lying, Mum, now, to yourself, and Dad. You want it too. Youll be happier without
me...
Priest
And still God lifted him out of the grave.
A
Im lying right here. And looking up at you.
Priest
God does not rely upon us believing in him. God is our friend in the dark. There, where we cannot
follow each other. He is.
A
I was lying on the tracks with my head full of vodka and I met no friend in the dark. Only demons.
And I screamed with happiness into the engine drivers face. Im the terrorist who teaches you
grief. Im reduced, demons, to an ear, a thigh, a finger or a toe, an eye. If any of you feel like
laughing hysterically or dropping your clothes and dancing on the coffin then I understand. I
would probably have felt the same way, but...
Priest
You have lost your most precious one. Grief is lonely, hard and silent. And silence will speak in
you. In the day, in the night, in your conscience, in the forced laughter of your friends, in the

PART 1. THE SUICIDE CATALOGUE

Catalogue A
A
Good evening demons and thank you for coming. Over there, in the sunshine, mother is crying.
Her brother, John, leans against her but doesnt know what to say even though theyve known
each other all their lives. Here comes his wife, Eve, and my brother Thomas, hes also having
difficulties... All they have are deep breaths, they barely dare to take ... Theres Daddy, he has a
crick in the neck, and you can understand why. A child, who takes her own life ... cant be a good
child, can it? But you, demons, know why. As do I.
Priest
It is impossible to say anything today.
A
There, the priest has begun.
Priest
Words cannot be found when what must not happen, happens, When a beloved daughter
abandons life. Abandons her mother and her father. Her brother. Words become so empty. So
cold and deprived. Because the emptiness does not answer when we ask. And yet you, her closest
family, feel how the emptiness holds on to you how it keeps asking.
A
Dont pretend, Daddy. I know youre relieved too. And its all right. It all got so difficult. Im free.
Now. And so are you. Enjoy it. And let those flowers go.
I understand you want to change school, Thomas, but ... you dont have to cry anymore than you
think is natural.
What can I say? After the holiday. What can I say?
Hi there, my name is Thomas, and my sister killed herself during the summer holiday.
Hush.
Priest
She is still alive in you. Breathing in the joy she had with you. And that joy has its own
consciousness which will carry you through your mourning. You must allow yourselves to feel her,
dare to feel her, her scent and her sounds.
A
Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top.
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
Priest
Maybe you can still hear it inside your heads, not just her last words, but also what she said when
she was with you, happy and light at heart.

SERVICE SUICIDE
by

Christian Lollike

Translation
Jens Svane Boutrup

Publisher
NORDISKA ApS
Info@nordiska.dk