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each
for its
or.r,n sake;
dre pleasure
of bei:rg in
the
communicatron we disclose who we are, and from this self-disclosure, intimacv grows,
3
ica
1.1
111111
ils i44
11
tlon`
l
it
is
fieir commu:rication
drjves drem apart radrer tiran bnnging them togerJrer, feeds con-
:lil
:
Q
1
l
Dihng wi _Angel 159
Surnmary 166
associated
COnlictlResolution 159
in this chapter we explore how communicatron brings pe,rple together: how to de,velo1r comrrunicarion skiils, hou,to selfrlisclose, horv to eive feedback and a1firm your parrner. We also
thscuss the reiadonship benveen conflict rnd inumacy, e>rploring
the qpes of conflicr and the role of porver: itr rnarital reladon.
ships. \d/e looli at
alld r arriage
There
you creepl" is hardlv the rvay to resolve a disagreement alnong daring couples. But it may be an iurportanr cl,.re as
to whetl-rer you and vour pertner should marry. I4an1, 66upl.t
who communicate poorly before marriage are likely to conrinue
rJead,
the sanre way after marriage, and dre result can be disastrous for their marriages.
Researchers have found that hov, well a couple commuicates before marriage can
be an important predictor of later marital sadsfaction (Cate and Lloyd, i992;
Il/henruu'
fecling
is uoicd
uitlt tnrtl:
frst it
lnrw.r. . . . The
&lI-discloiuie-the
of saruething
ffict
tltnt
enxd,txntes
f'07n.
lne\
own henrl.
I CrlNc
shortly after marriage and four years later. The researchers found that selfdisclosure was an important factor lbr increasing each otirer's conrnitrnent later.
Glking about your deepest feelings, revealing yourself to vour partner, builds
bonds of rrust that help cement a marriage.
ibrrt..n
ics. Using an electronic device, each parmer electronically recorded whether dre
message was posiuve or Regative. Markhan-L found fiat the negativiqz or positir
iw of rhe couple's communication pattern had iinle impact on their marital satisis known as
1,s21.
the honelrnJrn .ff".t, lVor.
faction'during their first
it
Wffiactonnrarriag.e[Huston,McHale,andCrouter,l986].)
But afrer the first year, couples v,ith neganve premarital contmunication paftems
*ireTesr satisfied than those widr positive communicarion patterns. A rrore recent
snrdy-flulien, Markman, and Lindahl, 1989) found that those premarital coupies
who responded more to each other's positrve communication than to each other's
negative communicadon were nore sadsfied in marriage four years latcr.
19BB).
Touch is one
cialh,abo,rffqrnqutr@
cluraslerisdcs.
private
tend to
to one's parme.r. Dissatisfied_
tireir
to
&II g ts
0
ln posluve w
s.
oseness.
nd emotion ol
CHAPTER 5
o The
DrsoRAlt TA
rcl.tl
This rs especially important for husbands. Unhappy partners In21r 2ssxally decode the messages of sffangers more accuratelv than those from
their partners.
xe"'
eir hru-
end tyttf5]insivQto_their hl
bands
I FTFhCgattvcmc ag
("You look ara,ful") than are theii husbands, who may not reply at a1i.
"
R
IIIIIi
send fewer cl
make irmore
l es
diffiuiiilfrves
ro
her
a
Osctt WILDE(1854-1900)
shouid go to
RefIection
does he
cOlllict wi
t.1
ilrpu*
to
negatlvevettr
171g,
`
ayf
rend
to
or see
,: 77g
differences?
ences
are less
What
krnds of differ-
same-sex relationships?
l.r
ul
Studies suggest dratpoor communication skilis precede the onset of mariproblgms (Gotrnan, 1994;Markman, 1981;Markman et a1., 1987). The mate-
r.r,iIl assist
good
cornmunication skiIls.
Silence is the lne grea.t art of conaerso-
--lrtronverhal
Commrrnication
tisn'
mLLIAMttlTfo778483o
There is nr: such fiing as not cornmunicating. Even whe:r you are not talkrng, you
are communicating by your silence (for example, an awlavard silence, a hosule
silence, or a tender silence). You are communicating by dre way you position vour
head and through your facial expressions, your physical distance lrom the other person, anci so on. Looh around you. How are the people
body and
tilt your
irnpre-
'
Tlse
cisioll ofits messages.Is a person owning or squindngP Does tte smile indicate l
fricndlilless or ncn ousnessP A persOn lnay be in reflecivc silence,but ve
nuclen
lies
silence
lllav i
at
,"
z/al
O
1ettL i
dling tte Ongoing interacdon.
'
'
CHAPTER 5
PERSPECTD
'
none,r lmagine,'however
over time, such as "No one will discuss Daddy's drinl<ing."The rules
rnay be oveit (openly recognized) or
would
ffi l\r,te
\
11
our emotionalstates are expressed through
:IYt
Q httm
tflyJerson
h
I IT
Q I
:h,wn hacit`:b6red
I We leanintt tOward thC
IrLt*
"rPu'ja,Ir.lol$i.rr.o
walks wirh a sprin[, Smiles,
frowns, tu,.ro",.d'bro-.r,
"gi,
bined.memtieriil:ulei,They are
arriyed at either consensrrlty r.
O,mnwiatilnand ConfliaRwolutint
-lrelstill:
itlittl
,Fi
,itresswill
:
: rr ll
ttleV7edisT
Relationship bel
conlnu,
W I 41 wi
l
:
el
::sttlens
a
ul
lT
I
dtS
II
il,1fi:[ffi'iliii]J;;;;;;;;;';se
thevtrbalandnonverbtt Par
has
nelltr
,01 hoSde)
:[:^TTl
iobe undersiood according to both
Refl ections
What rules does Your familY have
to
regarding family menrbers ability
speak
cDmmunication Patterns
nen[11:li::::II:11111
i ;: llli4.It I111:;:lfII:
family?To
wlrat
whom
tn
Your
rs haPPenrng?
CHAPTER 5
:i
dtthp
In
I CHD G
fi :
:7:i
r
: I
:
WttII 1 1i
i
in tOgether."
Sttsle
: d mott ime
together (seven hours per day, in
contrast to flve hours per day for
ip.
is c10se gazing intO each Othert eyes,h01ding hands,and waHdng with arlllls
aroluld each OtllcI_a11 0fwhich require c10se prO
mi54
ncutTal intermediate distancc f01 Latinos,fOr example,is much c10ser ttan frOr
r c01 fOrt).IIl
out,
e same
lres iat
have greater intermediate distances and lcss Ovcrt touching,such as
sian
"
BFNIoNSON(1573-1637)
Eye( ontact
lix 1 lsI
:
l:1
:f'311
: Ititi: :
carlos SIuzL(1982)POLl
"`
Zi
C n
::i il::
:Lll
17g
77Z
77Ll
m
BEl
'
FM ICN(1706-1790),P
4 L4C
G4RD D
If 1 :
:
iilil [IIITTlii
#l
Reflections 'ro1/e'-
As vou
ao':u:
bal communication, thinl<
another
and
in which You
rnnun..,
Cant:4
'
-;t"e'
*iff;;il;;rrj,r."l.
attacbd,ie. we
contall
P;y'ifl
::*::*''
emotion are derived fi;;;J'
"tt*ng''o
bv someone or something'
hold hands
received?
ment, aj]dfe'li-g'wh;;;t;;;;;don'ttv'l'o"d
touch
oiu.ing
or acquainmnc( )maY
a violation' A stranger
"touched'"
;;;k
givenaldtorc'
asc,ibe;;;
for
Many of our words
ffitt;;::tm:,^,,'.,'".#J:?r#;.t'.r**raiitorhrive.andmave'en
'
intimacy'
Touch often signals
touchnrayvery,u,eI1u.,l,.*",;iniumatefJ;;i;"-verbalcommunicadon.
p'"l*lYr"$U:$l]i
i-*,':i",;ffi
"Ir;;;;;l
':i
'
-**-xi;;tiki1f:'J1,ffi##-f
1983)'
themseiresGr*rin
to talk more about
I1i'fi"il;:[:,T#*#.1#:'
fnendship,
son is touchea
.rn
!u!::',!,i,'i,o
,,lgg;
#ff
::*.
'i'J'l''6
"
lIil,:*:H;I:frl$xr;-f,'#
;i;;;
nroup,. Members
il.h;ilirr;' b.*H*:Tlfi,lli.*m;;;.;;;
c"' d"'lht'lp'pc'm
i;1
vurv'le
disciosemore;lntact'rouctr"";:";]--.i
ori.". 1981:Norton,
N;*"",
un,r i'f;,'iilL
*.,,
,u,l,i,)i,,,i,'!,'liioi:;i,r',oi;,',
i;;"
;;'v'"''d
r'':lt,!:,:,"::,':,'1,i,'
-'-,^.,"
rr,,"rhativt.:hta'tt'f
,',n,:j,'!r!,"'l
',
r:y*
'::: -i'grcur
ffi,
ftnscrs touct'rtgand
o'lhu w"1'daw h
"f
*r"r.1*."**
":'::'rtreactt
t":::
EuroPean
6o'ib
##;;;;;;
:;:"'::'.
A',rericans touch t?' g*i;,.irt $ilfil
ih.,.,,
o98)
i r
I fileDo
nedCan
Attcan
a"
ano
Asian
ttBll
Om Cradle to gravc.
11
Men d
i vrith men.
'rh'r
CHAPTER 5
Sextalbehavior relies above all else on touch: the tor"rching of self and otirers, and the touching of irands, faces, ches6, arms, necks, I.er, ,,rd genitals. Sexual
behavior is skin contact. In se,xual interactions, toucir takes p.e..delr.e over sight,
our eyes to caless, kiss, and make love. ln faci, we shut our eyes to
focus better on the sensadons aroused by rouch; u,e shur our visual distractoss
t..r
as we-close
uithaut talking.
Cnrxtsr lRorrenr
of relationships
ir bctl
bkttnicadOn
Skills
\\'iri]e ri'e cr.rnoi ,0/ corrnrulricate, rve can enhance the qualiq, of our comrru-.
nicalitxt so tl;rt 1r'e ctn u;rclcrstirncl each other and enhance our ieiarionships. \.4/e
can learn to cott-ulrittricate colrsil'u(:uvely rather than clestructivel)r
rve hope, u,iil help vou develop good communicauon skills so thar
re
u,ardins,
'lrJnia
!trhat follo"rs,
your relation-
sni nOted in P
cn rj
on
77g(1988),ller
r//Z
dassic wO
(On 1]lih
col
lu
laning,
\o
Blamcrs act superir;r, Their bodjes are tense, drcv are rrfren ang;,.
.
.Blant,u"s.
and
they gesture by poinrinq. Insrde, tirey feel weali ald \ ranr to hrde this filo;l
If a bla,rer-runs short of mone\,, the parrner is
the one u,ho spenr it; if a child is conceived bry accident, the partirer should har,e
used contraception. The biarner cloes not listen and alwavs tries to escaile
er''eryone (including thernsr:h,es).
Reflecrions
Do you {lnd that any of tlrese styles
ol miscommunication characre-'ze
your own cornmunication patterns?
Your partner's styleT Your parents',
siblings', or chrldren
pens
s?
What hap-
es?
have
responsibiliqr
.Conr,putus. Computers are veqr correct and reasonabJe.'Ihey shc.,r,r, only
printouts, not feelings (wluch they consider danserous). ,,If one talies careful note
of my increasing heartbeat," a Corlputer marr/ totreless]r, St1:, (ro,-ra must
he forced
to come to the conclusion that I'n angrl," Tlre parurer u,lLo is irrerfacing. also
a
computer, does not change expressio, and replies, "That's interesting,',
Distrnctors. Distractors act frenetic and seldom sa]/ anlrthing reJevanr. Tirey
flit about in word and deed. Inside, $e1; fsgl Ionelv anrl o,it of p)r... In cljfficuit
siruations, distractors lieht cigarettes and talli abour school, politics, business-
R
7jrFrl 77
PERSIECTD
:
i
allythingto a,/oid discussing relevant feelings' If a partner vrants to discuss something serious, a distractor changes the subject'
RefIection
6tt"t'
ily?
lies
into an oPen
familY?
CHAPTER 5 1
7t
0 O
r
io r 2
JOHN IGETHBRAITH
Obstacles tO self_Awal,cness
No man, for any cowiderabh period,
wear
rh e
one
face ta
can
to
nrultitude, uithout
fina@ getting
bcwildered
ta which
ma!
Narrumu HalrrHoRNE
(1
be
*ue.
804_ 1 g64 )
r" //a
"
``P%
,,
ffi
11
j::*:,::f::l *:,.,*;;;
mmm e
Q
l:El::
]:i
T:le:i
ml, LI:
10r e ressed.Itis the act_
1su[
1
l
g,h;;;;;s,
LCllu41 fOr
1or pl
pl Oolel
P tendal
blems
Or hurt,
A/1P
r
tt
`
THOMAR L
(1875_1955)
YIDDIsH PRO RB
,dri _Wedges be
l,r..
in. ;lh:J..ffi:,ffi;iJ :
kaows *hrt th.
,Ti'ffff:,$il
what ihev
;;;;;., paftners
*";;r;;rrrs (ruoted
orher wan6;
"'n'fo''h"]'i",'
In one
::: 1 ilit 1
IIi:llilI1lII 11 i
mes get wOrned becausc l tllintt ma
bc
C)antmuniltion and
Conflit
Ruolunon
wanttoo much.HCt a good husband;he wolks iard;he takes care ofme attd ttc
hds.He could go outand ind another woman who WOtld be very happy to have a
man like dlat,and who wouldnt be all tte dmc complaining at him bccause he
docsnt icl tthgs and gct close.
If yott
V 1
::
medillm
isicdon resd ifparmers havetoo Lde 6rt O much disdosur%a hap
Safe
anythtng.
TI]UMPER,S MOTHER
"
"
%`
%`
,
Jy Z
"
little/too
tr
Lill T WsTcOm
I: TT
ll
:1:
dle o
illteract and
z
Z`
"
LttK TWAIN(1835-1910)
lr^
1111 il:
11171
1,1
of
PloYboY magazine:
1997 bY PlaYboY
Sefidisc/osure is reciprocol.
5133
WEST c PR
LR3
1 SOmcthillg dla
lhu
is nO l
i 1lli:]
]:illi :iil :lj!111;il:
1 1:lill :IIIl:IIi
nmunica10n(SCal{ 995)
l all)i CXClusive or l10nexc11
Ord n ess_
o
r tte lack
O Flr
l dis(
tt
h 1
'ay
6
while you are
m:st level, you may believe he or she is going to meet someone else
srudung in the iibrary.
'
drr, in personal relationships has both a behavioral and a motivational
to the probacomponenr (Book et al., 1980). The behavioral component refers
component
biliry that a person will act in a trustwordry manner. The motivational
,.f.., to the reasorrs a person engages in A'usmorthy actions' Whereas the behavelement
ioral element is imporiant in ali q.pes of relationships, the rnotivational
be more tentnus.
rea-
edge that
be a
lfc
ta Please,
adrift, attachntents
pleasure was
it
is,
mattefi lrer, to
Jess
neaer lie, if a
Giving Feedback
wotr,ld
wauld be mare
sex" are rypor "You clon't reaily love me;you're just saying that because you want
ical examples of conflict about motivation.
felt, and if wc
because
nuld neaer
we
Lr.lrriu.
all. . . . lf
if
conceal
ieeiings
ru vrnoath
ane
would
be no tLtay
hnootn, no opponunity to
;
.
tr,
rnt
to be
stlh or lick
that disbehavior toward you. (fiote drat this q?e of feedback is different from
cussed 0n pages 140-141')
Ifyoor"prttner discloses to you his or her doubts about your reiauonship,
fbr example, you .rr', respontl in a number of ways. Among these are remaining
ttedbach.
silent, venting,rrg.., .*pr.ssing indifference, or giving-constructive
g`
response)
First, you can-remain silent. Silence, hov,ever, is generaliy a negative
to selfp_artner
want_your
p..hrp, as powerful as sa},lng ourrighr that you do not
itir.lor. thir typ. of infoirnarion. Second, you can respond angrlly, whir:h mav
to arguments
convey th. ,rlrs.g. ro youl' parrner that self-disclosing will lead
indifferrathei than underiundrng ani possible change. Third, you can remain
ent, responding neither n.grtiu.iy nol posilivelyto your parurer's,self-disclosule'
(rather than
Fourrh, )rou ca'n ackncrvrlelge your partner's feelings as being valid
right or wrong) and disclose howyou feelin response.to his or her statement'
acknowlJdgent and response is constructive feedbach. It may or nlay not
f:his
l:emove yo.r,
pri*..'s
doubts,
do not.
possibihry foi change, whereas silence, anger, and rrdiffererlce
So*. guidcli"nes (dr:veloped by David Johnston for dre Minnesota Peer
program) miy help you.engage in dialog'ue and feedback widr your paftner:
'
Focus on
feelings:
,'You"
statements tell anrtther person how he or she
fl.or.,,
is,"feels, or rhinks: "You are so irresponsible. You're always leaung
your dirry dishes on the living roorn floor." "}bu" statements are often
ir-,g ,o"om
:
y
CH ESE PRONIERB
CHAPTER 5
blarrung or accusatory. Because
"I"
blame, the
Focus on behavjor rather than on the person. Ifyou focus on a person's beharaor rather than on the person, you are more iikely to
secure change. A persou can change behaviors but not hirnselfor herseif. If you want your parurer ro wash his or her dirty dislies, sa1,, "I
would like you to wash your dirry dishes; it bothers me when I see
bathroom for
There
i.r
cln.tainr
pcrhaps
s0
n.o
be acted. out
sa.y
infcriorc
i.r
would bt incxpedient: to
unkind,
enu.1
undn'thc glise of
FRono,t (1900-1980)
Tb sa.1 what we
"
'u-it'tuc.
Enlcu
a weeh?
phenontenon which
around.
wbat ue
ill-
rnore-or-less continuum.
Gaod ntttnn,cr,r
QurNrru Cnisr
For example, there were probably umes (however rare) when your
partner picked up the r:iirry ciishes. "Lasr weeir I pici<ecl, ulr )/our d1r[,
dishes drree times" is a measured sratement. "I alwavs pick up vour
dirry dishes" is an exaggerarion rhat will probably provoke a hosdle
response.
you knou,more about what a person needs to do *ran the other person does. Advice implies a Iack of freedom or respecr. By sharing icleas
and ofrering alternatives, ho'wever, you give the other person the freedom to decide based on his or her own perceptions and goals, "\bu
need to put awa)r )/our dishes imnediately after 1,s11 are done with
them" is advice. To offer alternatives, you might say, "Ha.,,ing to walk
around vour dirty dishes bothels mc. Vr4rat are the alternauves orirer
than my watching m), step? tr,Iaybe ,r,ou couid put them awav after vou
finish eating, clean them up before I get houre, or eat in tire tritchen.
\A&at do you thinkl"
saVS
vour parr-
10
CHAPTER 5
lash back. A cathartic resDonse may mahe you feei better for dre
time being, but it may not be useful for )iour partner. If, for example, your pafiner admrts lying to you, you can respond with rage and
accusations, or fou can express hurt and try to find out why he or
she didn't teliyou the rruth.
tno\Enl
Dir{ vou
'
l<nou,)
roo(\
I
all inclined
to
judge oursehes
b1'
you are not likely to be interrupted. Turn the television off and the
phone-answering machine on. Also, choose a time that is relatively
skess free. Thlking about somet}ing of great importance just l.refore.
lie-nolo Nlcuotso^-
'I'ii:
lbur
Don't over-
tonch deep, pent-up feelings in you, but he or she may not be able to
comprehend all that you sa)r If you respond to your partner's revelation of doubts with a listing of all the doubts you have ever experienced about yourself, your relationship, and relationships in general,
You ma)r overwhelm Yo,,. Parmer'
We are
lpr,ti: l,t;:in,qly.
ihsll
MutualAffirmation
Good communication in an intimate relationship involves ruunral affirmation,
which includes drree elements: (1) rnutual acceptance, (2)liking each o*rer, and
Figure 5.1
Conrmunication Loop
In
suc
ce
ssful c om.ntun
peed back
i c ation.,
ny-
is
b e
in g c ommunicat
d. F or
com,tnunication ta be clea7
the m,usage and the intent
behind the rnessage nxust
be
Y
Sender
-"w
Message
lntent
nxessage.
w*
Feedback
Receiver
0
(3) erpressrng liking in both words and actions. Afuzual aglepta.nce consists of
p*pf, ,...plrrg .r.l-r oth.. as they are, no.r.as drey would like each other to be'
b.opl. are wholhey are, and they are not likely to change in fundamental ways
*ithout a tremendous amount of personal effort, as well as a considerable passage of time. The belief that an insensitive parlner will soinehow magically
b.".or.
Rellections
ofhow much
and divorce.
To get a sense
If you accept people as they are, )/ou can like them for their unique qualiIt
ties. Liking ro*.or. is-somewhat different from being romantically-involved'
linked'
is ,rot rareior people to disiike those witi whom they are romanucaily
We also r..d,o erllress our feelings of warmth, affection, and love. To one's
partner, unexpressed ,ords, actions, thoughts, kindnesses, deeds, touches,
Murual affirmatron entails our telling others that we like them for who they
do'
are, that we appreciate the iittle things as well as the big things tlat they
children,
Think rbout ho, often you say to your paltner, your parents, or your
"I iike vou," "f love you/' "I appreciate your doing dre dishes," or "I lihe your
of
smile,";Affirmations are often most frequent during dadng or the early stages
marriage or living rogerher. As you get to knou, a person better, you may begrn
You
the numbers of
of
noring things thut antoy you or are different from you. Acceptance rurns into
n.grti"on ani criricism, "You're selfish," "Stop bug'ging ffi," "You mlk too much"'
o.l'\tr,'1-,1, don't you clean up after yoursel0"
If you have a lot of negatives in your interactions, don't feel too bad, tr'tany
have-been
of our negarions are habiruai. When we were children, our parents mav
;,Don,t leave the door open," "\4,4ry can'tyou
"S'"and
gradesi"
S!!bete_r
n.grting,
rou become
srr"ai,qh;and puil iri your sromach." llow often did thev affirmi Once
nesadve
aware that n.gono,r, are often automatic, you can change them. Becaase
comrnunicatiln is a learned behavior, you can unlearn it. One u'ar is io make rhe
in any area,
Cml Roocgns, 0Y
Bncorutttt; P,ttnlvns
decisionconscious\'toaffirmwhatl'oulii<e;toooften$'etaketheeoodfor
granted and feel compelied ro point out onlv the bad'
coexConflict berween people who love each c.rdrer seems to be a nri'stery The
An ancient
istence of conflict ard- lur. has puzzled human beings for cenruries.
That
makes yor.l,
vou
In ieaiiry rhe,v rerain their individual identities, needs, wan[s) and pasts while
loving .r# ot(.r-and it is a paradox that the roore intimate two people
bt to experience conflict' But it is not conflict
b..o,i1., the m.re liire\'thev
is.
''1;
rhi
o.worentss of
lAi
Il,
dffirrnce
AuDEr.r (1907-1971)
is
frirndshrp;
is kue'
CHAPTER
tht
la1,
fouill-
future ffinte
Ail{BROs[ BTERCE
(1
842-l 9t 4),
j,
ntt
of differences. So u,hen we move cloier toeether to each other, those differences become disagreements. The pr.r.,,.', of conflict within a marriage
or
family does not necessarily indicate that love is goine or sone. Ir may ,rr.rn
irrr
the opposite.
of
c017uct'iati0?x.
is a
luntry
to bc a,nderstaod.
892)
tsasic
conrncrs
O,S,rn,N60S bf'
\ * O .tfu\
ftiS:*!".t
larn'ing out marital rores and the funcuons of marriage and the famil,v, such as providing companionshir, working, and rearins
children. It is assumed, for exampie, that a husband and wife will have ,e*rl ,eladons
wjth each other, Butif one partner converts ro a religious secf thar forbi,ls
sexua]
a basic conflict is likely to occur becausi tfie other spouse consiclers
interactioll,
such a matter
rl
familyroles,
itis srill expected that the husband u,ill'work ro provide fo, the
rn,rt'e
hirn.
.-d.,**f\N")"t\
Nonbasic confiicts o'$*S.ewtit'*F't-rn
\)*, q,,"
Thc ntind
and
in
hill
it.rclf
o.f
"..t-lr-'[,G5L
t' '
Nwtbasic conflirts do
rlesirahiliq,
cases.
resolutio-n is possible.
occur because
sonaliq,' of one (or both) of rhe parmers.
ofthe per-
10
(3) erpressing liking in both words and actions. Mufgal aqcepqnce consists of
people u...ptir-rg each orier as they are, not as.they would like each otier to be'
ir.ople are who rhev are, and they are not likely to change in fundamental ways
wi*rout a tremendous amount of personal effort, as weil as a considerable passage of time. The beiief that an insensitive partner wiil sornehow magically
beiome sensitive after marriage, for example, is an invitation to disappointment
Reflections
To get a sense
and divorce.
If you accept people they are, you can like them for their unique quali
des. Liking someone is somewhat different from being romantically involved' It
is not rarehr people to dislike those wrtl whom they are romantically linked.
We also ieed to e,\'press our feelings of warmth, affection, and love. To one's
partner, unexpressed words, actions, thoughts, kindnesses, deeds, touches,
caresses) and kisses can be the same as nonexistent or unfelt ones. "You know that
as
rule of thumb for communicating love is: If you love, show love'
Muual affirmation enrails our tell-ing others that we like them for who they
are, rirar we appreciate the little things as well as the big things that they do.
Tlunk about how often you say to your parmer, your parents, or your children,
,,I
,,I
like you,,, love you;" "I appreciate your doing the dishes," or "I liire your
ofhow much
You
the numbers of
cf
smile," tAffirmarions are often most ftequent during daring or the early stages of
knol a pelson better, you may begrn
arriage or living together. As you get
-1-o
noung thjngs that annoy you or are different from you. Acceptance turns into
negatiol and criticism: "You're selfish," "Stop bugging me," "You talk too much,"
or "V/h), don't you cJean up after yourself?"
if you have a lot of negatives in your ilrteractions, don't feel too bad. Many
of our negations are habitual. When we were children, our parents may have-been
n.grting,";,Don'r leave the door open," "Why can tyou g!! bener grades?" "Smnd
snaighind pull in your stomach." How often did they affirm? Once y6u become
aware that niganons are often automatic, you can change them. Because negative
much
closer m what
tnte.
Cuu Roocrns, 0v
Bncomtrttt P,ttn"r'xs
comrnunication is a learned behavior, you can unlearn it. One way is to make the
decision consciously to affirm what vou like; too often we talce the good for
glanred and feel compelled to point out only the bad'
On L nd Tntlmncy
Conflict between peopie who ic;ve each odrer seems to be a nr1,stery' Thc coexistence of conflict and love has puzzled human beings for cenruries. An ancient
Sanslrit poem reflected this dichotorlv:
In the old
That
Ard
maires you,
vou
me, me?
In iealiry thev retain their individual identities, needs, \'vants) and pasts while
loving .r.h otli.t-and it is a paradox that the rnore intimate two people
b..ori., the m.re liiiei1,t5ey ma1'be to experience conflict. But it is not conflict
is.
is
\ i Il,
AuDEN (1907-1973)
t'rtendship;
loae
R*oktion
ffp
Situational Conflicts
Situational conflicts occur when at least one paftner needs to malce changes in a
relationship. Thev are based on specific demands, iike putting the cap on the
toodrpaste, dir,'rding housework equitably, sharing child-care responsibilities, and
so on. Conflict arises when one person tries to change
t-l-re
For
maniage to
bc
pnotLllr
Personalig Conflicts
Personalitl, cotllicts arise not because of simadons that need to be changed but
because of personaliry such as need.s to vent aggression
or to dominate. Such
conflicts are esse:rdally unrealistic. They are not directed roward making changes
in the relauonship but sirnply toward releasing pent-up rensions. Whereas situational conflicts can be resolved through comprornise, bargaining, or mediation,
personaiiry conflicrc often require a drerapeuric approach, Such personaliry conflicts may pit a compulsive-ripe indnrdual against a free spirit or a fasudious personaliw against a sloppy one.
Foiuer
Conflicts '
The ilolidcs of fanuly life-who has the p.ffi, riho makes the decisions, who
does lrrhat-can be every bit as complex and explosive as polincs at the national
level. Pov,er is the abiliqv c.r potenrial abiliry to influence another person or
$oup" Most of dre dme we ar not aware of the power aspects of our reiation-
rupts absolute!.
LORD
AcroN (l83+1902)
ships. One reason for this is that we tend to beljeve that inumate reladonships are
based on love alone. Another reason is drat the exercise ofpower is often subde.
unto dre Lord." Such teachings reflected rhe dorninant tlenes of ancient (]reece
:rnd Rome, W'estern sociery continued to support wifeiy subordination to husbands. English common law stated, "J'he husband and v,ife are as one and that
one is the husband." A woman assumed her husband's identiry taking his last
name on marriage and iiving in his house.
The U.S. courts have institutionalized these power relationships. The laui
for e:xample, supports dre nadidonal divjsion of labor in many states, mahng the
husba:rd Iegal\,responsible fr-rr supporting the family and tire wife legally responsible for maintaininr4 the house and rearing dre cliiidren. S\e is legally required
to follow her hushand if he moves; if she does not., she is considered to have
deserted hirn. Bur if she moves and her husband refuses to rnove v,rith her, she is
also considered to have deserted him (Leonard and Elias, 1990).
Legal and social suppor:t for ttre husband's control oi the fami\, has declined
since the 1920s and especially since the 1960s. An r:galimrian standard lor sharins power in farniLies has taken much of its place (Siennett, 1980). The wife u'ho
u,orks has especiallv gained more pou/er in the family. She has greater influence
in deciding farnily size arrd how monev is to be spe:nt.
Bc ta
Be to
hu'fn'uhs a lirth
blntd,
CHAPTER 5 1
J'lLe fornral and iecal sffucrure of marnage malies the male dominant, but
the realiq, of marriage mav be quite different. SociolosistJessre Bernard (1982)
If we
,o sec hor.r, po!\rer really *,orks
u.e rnust look
",rn,
beneath the stereoqpes, Wonren have considelabie pov,'er in marriage, aithough
they often feel that drey have less than they actuailr, do. Thev mav fail to reiognize the extent of their po\i/er; because cuirural norms theorer-icall1, pur power
,, *)rtrn..
in the hands of their hustrands, women mav looir at norms ,ath., rLrn
,i rhri,
own behavior. A woman may decide to work, even against her husband's wishes,
and she may determine hr,,v, to discipline rhe children. Yer she may feel that her
hLrsband holds fie power in the reiationship because he is supllsed to be dominant. Similarli', husbands r:fren l.,elieve that thev have more pou/er in a relation-
CttP
shrp tJral they 26tu211), do because rhey see onlv traditiqnai norms
E MMtt
POwer
an.d
According toJ.,P. French and Berarn Raven (1959), there are six bases of
marital povrer:
Aaruun &4rlrn
Cacrcit",e ltozrcr is basecl on the fear that one par:rner v,ill punisir the
other. (loercion can be emotional or phvsical. A patrern of beiittling,
threatening, or being ph),sjca] cap intilrjdate and threatr:n auo,;[er,
Thjs is the least colrlron form of po'er hr-rt rs usc,J in oarrrlcl- rape
or abuse.
Rewnrd pouer is based on rhe helief that dre odrer prrson v,ili do
Expert pouer is Lrar^ed on rhe belief thar the o$er has grearer l<no,r,ledge. If vou believe that your parmer hrs more wisdom about child
rearing, for instance, )/ou mali defer $e rer,lards, incentives, and dis,,:pline to him or her.
Legitinm.te poz.,er is based on acceprance of roles giving the other per-
R
communicarion skiils, his or her ability to acrively listen, provrde feedback, and disclose in an honest manner, you are more likely to model
her.
Another way oflooking at the sources ofma ml poweris ttough the reladve i 1/pl
e
love and need dleory9 which explahs Power in terlns ofthe illdi dual invo
ToN
CHE00V(18611-190o
nranipulate all the "resources" that he has in his command i-n order to effectively
inlluence the outcome of decisions.
"
"'
g
,I %
]east interesr
g g
g
g
com..runxs 1::i
house."
LaLrra?" he replieii,r,ith a leer. "Then give me the deed to your mother's
of least interest to their:
Quarreling couples trlay unconsciousiy use the princille
,drantrge. Theless involved partner rna's threaten to leave as leverage in an argu,,Iil right, if you dont dt ir my wa,v, I'm going." Th.e *rea1-may.be exn'emely
menr,
"coercing
a dependent paf[:]er. 11 may have litde effect, however, if it
powerful in
.on,r, frorn the defenrlent prrtn*i because he or she has too much to lose to be ,
persuasi'e. The less iornh.l parmer caneasi\'.i,]
f{.*'.|J4*r,'*[t',
,.frjfftQ,
it would
Even tirough women have conside.rtl. po*.t iifi'arriages and families,
As
wives'
be a serioui mi'rake ro overlook the inequaliries between husbands and
feminist scholars have pointed out, major aspec$ of contemporaW marriage point
to important areas *hlre women are cleariy subordinate to men: the continued
fernale responsibiliry for housework and child rearing, inequities in semal grati-
fication Gex is often over when the male has his orp;asm), the exlent of violelce
against \{iomen) and the sexual exploitation of chiidren are examp)es'
rin
CHAPTER 5
lsrrn6,, qualities
to be htppl, in marrioge
attt'tctian!; l)tff
it
i.r nercs.rar1, ts
adjust
tt
thcm.
(.17
4l)-17 gq)
Second, these scholars argue that many of the decisions rhat researchers
study are rivial or insignificanr in measuring "real,, farni\, power.
Researchers
I
, cannot conclude that marriages are becoming more egalita.ian on the basis of
iornt decision makrng ahout such things ,, ,,h... , c"ouple gr.res for ,acadon,
,, whether
to buy a new c',r or appliance" or.'r,hich mo,ie to see. 'lhe critical
, decisio,s that measure po\r,er nre such iss;ues as hou,houser'r.,rli is to be
divided, who s[avs home with the c]rildrer, and v,hose
iob.r.carecr
rairer^
precedence.
Some scholars suggest that u,e shift the locus froin rnarital po\4rrr
to farnrlv
power. Resealcher.A{arjon liranrchfeld (1987) crlls fcr. a r:crhinliinq.
of porver.iir
a farniiy context. Even if wonicn s mlrjral po\,ver nlav
llot be equal tri rne;r s, e clifferent picrure of u,omen in farnilies n,ry .,.,r..g. if we examin.
purrm witirin the
entire family srrucrure, including prru,,,:i,-, r.elaijon ro chiklren. 'ihe
lamijl, l)ower
literature has radrtionally focusecl cin marria!e lntl rnariral decisign
,rr1uro
IGanichfeld, hou,ever, feels tirat sucli a lr.rcus narro\\'s,-rur.perceprign
of u,..,,,enh
power' Marriage is not familli she arg,ucrs, and it is ir rire larger iapiJy
nrarrir. rhut
women exert considerable poiver. -lheir powei rnry ror be the
srme as mlils
power, which tends ro be prirlarilv econon-'c, political, or rr:ligious.
Rsr ti Stouer
is defined as *e abiliq, ro ch.anse dre behar,iolr-ri ,orhcrs jnreidonall,, ,.,r,,,,,.,,
in facthave a gear deal o{po*'.r, of a verv funcianrerrr,rl riurl
pervasive, in facq thar
She
it is easilv c)\.erlr)oi{erj,,'
irervasii.c 1ranll-e, so
;iccor.din,g ro
iirunichfcld (19g7)
fur*rer observes;
Wometl
lile
b,t
had wi.uhnn.
U9U- I g4l
It
t.y
Aiil*
;r"il
losses
in deciding
afiu'
be l:t'etl.ted
sa
that
lead to und:rxandtng.
I CmNc
A nutnber
for wamttb on a
because
in winrn"; but
cold' duy
Ilrurueti
happened.
off\'
at t. little dktance
entb othn',
ArrHrR
fi'nn
SCHOPEN'HALTR
(1
'
788-1 860)
,2
rcntltif ittg
,2
"r17
CI]APTER
causes a
ntan to
be
far
ne
ds ro
#;il:
third wav: r(
fnnt
the tnrth,
,:,iff;XT,?,,#il:;
iur
finding
i$
source
Iltstntc stnt.tc
lo131ict
fanrii
life h
iyt't
intended.
Roar,nr Fnosr
(l\i +1961)
no
af
ratett'!.
Aucusrwr or Flrppo
(i 54-+l 0)
le ;t :
lh
el
10m LCI :
i
CI
71
.EachaskedfOrfurtherin10rlnat10ntOnlakesurethatheOrihe
phnwL m mmna
:
1
l
l lnCOnttast,unhaplDi marHed couJes displaFd tte 110111ngreciprOcJ Pattems:
1 0 C
"
hu'Ic
uI
wme
. ittd
eM
;
Ref
le,- t in n s__
;dm
&
OmttOm 0
km
ct'?
:
10re satisied il
their
"
anxious/ambivalent adults,and an
not.
All
hap14,
familie.r are
bapp.y
in thc snme
Lro Tolsrtv
82
8-i
91
0),
l,vrur
we focuson tll,o areas: sex and money. Then we discuss generalways of resoh'
KttLqnN,t
ing conflicts.
neVruti
In dre ntorning
she begins
to fight with her partner over his not doing his share of the housework. The
houseu,ori< issue obscures why she is reallv angry. Sex can also be used as a
scapegoat for nonsexual problems. A liusband is angry that his wife calls him
a louq, provlder. He takes it out on her sexually by calling her a lousy lover.
They fight about their lovernaking rather than about the issue of his provider
rol., Aiorple can light about ti.e wrong sexual issue. Awoman mav berate
her partneifor heing too quicli during sex, but u'hat she is reallv frustrated
about is that he is not tnterested in oral sex lvith her. She, however, feels
ambivalent about oral sex ("Maybe I smell bad"), so she cannot confront her
par[ner with die real issue. Finally, a fight can be a cover-L]p. If a man feels
iex-ual\, ir:adequate and does nor wanr ro have sex as ofteii as his parmer, he
mal pick a figltt and make his partner so arrgry that the last thing she u'ould
want to do is to have sex witl-r hirn.
I:r power stmgq'les, sexualiry can be used as a u/eapon, but this is generally
a destruotrve tacdc (Szrnovacz,1987)'A classic sffategJ/ for the wealler person in
Follingstad I 987)
it fl.ie:,
Russlw
pRrittnnn
littk
o.f
ta
fan,l
ltn'.scl7'e.r
rnale-fernale sE rrggles, this is often sex' Bi' wifiholding sex' a woman gains a certain clegree of po*er. A small minolity of men also use sex in its most ttolent
forn',' They rape (inciuriins date rape and marital rape) to overpower and subor-
u hich a couple is currently fighdng. Are you and vour parmer fighung because
toLt want ,.* no*,and your partneir doesn't? Or ale thr:re deeler reasons involr'i,.,g po,".r, conrrol, fear, or inadequacy? If you repeated\,fight about semalissues
without getting a'nlwhere, the ostensihle causr malz e61be the realone' If fighting cloes-not .iea. the air'and make intimaq, possible again, you shouid look for
a relationship il; t..i r.vithhold somethingthat the nlore powerful one wants. In
-lre
a fight.
b1,
it
is inr:crcepted
it uould
bc orn'
700-1 i84)
cHAPTER 5
Money Conflicts
Againtt all the eaidrnce
man in
loae declaru
that
hc and his
if it were a fax.
An old \lddish proverb addresses the problem of managing money qr:ire well:
"Husband and wife are the same flesh, bur they have difrerent purses." Money is
a major source of maljtdl conflict. Lrtimates differ about spending money probably
as
an1,
their handfa.l
its sahe.
till
the uorld is
If she is deferred to, rhe old clichd "I make the money but she spends it" has a birter ring to it. As women increasingly participate in dre workforce, however, power
relauons within families are shifting. Srudies indicate that women's influence in
financialand other decisions increases if they are employed outside the home,
Another major source of conflict is allocation of the family's income, Not
only does this involve deciding who makes the decisions but it also includes setting priorities. is it more imporrant ro pay a past-due bill or to buy a new television set to replace the broken one? Is a dishwasher a necessity or a luxury? Should
money be put aside for long-range goals, or should immediate needs (perhaps
drose your partner calls "whims") be sadsfied? Sening financiaiprioriries plavs on
each person's values and temperament;
spendtlrrift.
Yet we know so
Dating relationships are a poor indicator of how a couole will deaiu,ith money
matters in rnarriage, Dating has clearly defined mles abour money: Eirher the man
pays, both pay separately, or each pays alternarively. In dadng situations, each parc-
ing decisions because each person has his or her own money. Differences can be
smoothed out failiy easily, Both individuals are financiaLly independent before marriage but financialiv interdependent after maniage. Even cohabirarion mav nor be
an accurate guide to how a couple would dealwith mone1, in maniage, as cohabitoru generall), do not por.rl ali (or even part) of their income. It is the wcrrking our
of financial interdependence in marriage drat is often so difficult.
mHnWife
she's
And
so
at rert.
am I.
Jorur' Dr.rceN
(1
61 1-1 700)
secretive about money. It is considered poor taste to ask people hou, much money
they make. Children often do not know how much money is earned in their families; sometimes spouses don't lcrow either. one woman remarked that it is easier
to talk u,ith a partner about sexual issues than about money matters: "Money is the
last taboo," she said. But, as with sex, our society is obsessed u.ith monev.
\.4/e find it difficult ro talk about money for several reasons. First of ali, v,e clon'r
lvant to appear to be uromaatic or selfish. If a couple is about to many, a discussion
of attitudes toward money may lead to disagreements) shatrering the illusion of unity
or selflessness. Second, gender roles mahe it diffictlt for wolnen to expreirs rher feei-
ings about money because women are traditionally supposed to defer to men in
financial mafters. Third, b..rur. men tend to ,rk. more money than women,
'ffomen feel that their right to disag'ee ahout financial matrers is limited. These feeliirgs are especialli, prevalent if the woman is a homemaker anci does not make a financial contribudon, bur they devalue her child-care and housework conniburions.
Resolving Conflicts
There are a number of ways to end conflicm. You can give in, but unless you
believe that the conflict ended fairl,v, you are likeliz m feel resenrful. You can try
t0 impose your will through the use of power, force, or the threat of force, but
using-power to end conflict leaves vour parmff with the bitter taste of injustice.
Iinaili', you can end the conflict through negotiation, In negotiation, both partners sit down and work out their differences undl they come to a murually acceptable agreernent. Conflicts can be solved through negotiation in three major ways:
Ctt R /ZJ
/Z
/7
Mo
Ds
K GANID
(1869-1948)
Agreement as a Gift
Ifyou and youl parrner disagree on an issue, you can freely agree wi*i your partner as a gift. If you want to go to the Caribbean for a vacation and your parmer
wants to go backpacking in Alaska, vou can freely agree to go to Naska. An ageemenr as a gift is different frorn gir,rng in. When you g'ive in, you do somethingyou
Figure 5.2
fumilt
ocrurs
in the
ebb and
R ef 1e cr
ldentificaiion of
the problem
Evatluation ot
Restatement or
action and
problern-solving
formulation
of goal
process
Assessment of
Action or
implementation
of alternative
TESOUTCES
Generatlon of
Selection of best
alternatives
alternatlve
Assessment of alternatlvr:s
SOURCE: Kieren, D.,T. O. Maguire, and N.
a Phasing Hypothesis in
(May 1996):442455.
Family Problem-solving lnteracrionJ'Journol of MorriogeandtheFornily 58,2
by
permission.
Used
Relations.
on
Family
Council
lrlational
the
1995
by
cooyright
How
io
CHAPTER 5
b, han'ed at anl
time. Han'ed ceuses hy loae. Thk is an
Ilanrd
tLn.ahernble law.
Stoo,r,lrrt rir Gnur,r,r.ta.
rt.tl Bunpu,t
BFg
. . . an
tlcle
endles.r
don't want to do. Vfhen you agree without coercion or threats, the agreement is
a gift of love, gtven freely without resentrnent. As in ali exchanges of gifts, there
will be reciprocation. Your parnrer will be more likely to give you a gift of agreement. This gift of agreeirnent is based on referent power, discussed earlier.
o.f
14,
resuttmettt and
ng
t
t
:
:
'
C
Bargaining means making compromises, but bargaining in relationships is different from bargaining in the markeplace or in politics. In reladonships, you
don't want to get the best deal for yourself but rather the most equitable deal
for both of you. At ailpc,ints during the bargaining process, you need to keep
in mind what is best for the relationship as well as for yourself, and you need
to trust your parmer to do the same. In a marriage, both parurers need to win.
The result of conflict in a marriage should be to solidify the relationship, not
to mal(e one partner the winner and the other the loser. To achieve your end
by exercising coercive pc,wer or withholding love, affection, or sex is a desffuc-
rataliation..
RoBERT AssACioLl
tive form of bargaining. If yc,u get what you lvant, how will that affect your
partner and the reladonshipi Will vour partner leel you are beine unfair and
become resentfuii A solution has to be fair to boti':, or it won't enhance the
relationship.
Coexistence
Alw
a1s
forgiu
Osc,ur
\4lt-pr
It doam't
(1
851-1900)
If
a reladon-
ship is sound, differences can be absorbed without undermining the basic ties.
A-ll too often rve regard a difierence as a threat rather than as the unique expression of two personalities. Rather than being driven mad by the cap left off the
toothpasre, perhaps we can learn to live with it.
\/irtx,utcsr sruNc
I f you can't talli about what you like and what you \ rant, there is a good chance
Irhr, you won't get either one, Communicauon is the basis for g*d reladonships. Communication and intirracl, are reciprocal: Communication creaies
SOURCE: Reprinted
cost
speelt,
with special
W
WAY FIRs w'H
OMPlE
O N
OK
FoO SH l
t, CunnunintionnndCunfliaRaolutiui
: ]
$p
CHAPTER 5
::
:
i
(the curvilinear
satisfaction
to
(1)
maried couples
(lio.n
it
model),
the
belicfinidle rehabili7andhte
,P
"of
more tlme
and
of
modei).
, l
Itte
11
:
messages.
ffi
1111
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expressionless; and disu'actors are frenetic and
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to be aware ofyour
own feelings. We prevent self-awareness fuough
suppressing, denying, and projecting feelings. A
first step toward self-aiuareness is realizing that'
our feelings are neither good nor bad but simply
express yourself, you need
emotional states.
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Conmunticn.tion. Hillsdale, IrIJ: Lawrence
'
dilemconversarionll
of
A
discussion
Erlbaunl, lgg4.
,influential (and easy-to-read) bools of the last rwenq;
mas, distressed rnarital reiarionships, and ofier issues . , five,yelrilon cominuni&tlon'ana:iamib re,ltionffi,,it.1,
H. Spiuberg, eds.
The Darkside
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,1995'
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