Spencer Timmerman

COMM 2110 Interpersonal Communication

Sarah Billington
Date Submitted: 12/9/16

This paper is a final report of my personal change project. My goal was to

become more mindful in my interactions with others. In order to do this, I
applied three strategies found in the class text book, Interpersonal
Communication, Relating to Others. These strategies were; using self-talk,
checking my nonverbal behavior, and being mindful of others nonverbal
behaviors. Two of the constraints I faced were knowing when I was being
mindless, and my inability to properly apply my second strategy. The results
were positive, but not to the extent I desired. Some of the things Ive gained
from this project include knowing when Im not being mindful, improvements
in my active listening, and increased willingness to ask for clarification. In
order to continue progressing I suggested implementing two new strategies;
asking others about my nonverbal behavior, and practicing my nonverbal
behavior.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
I have a problem being mindful. Mindfulness is being conscious of what you
are doing, thinking, and sensing at any given moment (Beebe p. 80). Often

times Im mindless rather than mindful. I find this manifests itself in two
ways. One is by not being aware when someone is talking to me and drifting
off in conversation that dont grab my interest. The other problem this
causes is in expressing inappropriate or strange nonverbal communication.
The first problem has interfered with my ability to engage in other-oriented,
active listening (Beebe p. 137). The second problem has caused confusion
and led others to misinterpret my nonverbal communication. Here are some
examples:
A. Once a friend of mine was giving a presentation in class. I really
wanted to support my friend by listening to the speech and giving
him positive feedback. However, his speech wasnt interesting
enough to me to grab my attention. As a consequence, my mind
drifted to other things and I failed grasp most of his speech.
B. In one of my journal entries, I described a time when one of my
friends told me it looks like Im talking to myself. Id even make
visible gestures. This was embarrassing for me to learn.
These two examples hopefully illustrate the two main problems I referenced
above. In the first instance my poor mindfulness prevented me from being a
good friend by causing me not to pay attention to his speech. The second
example was embarrassing for me, especially since I didnt even know I was
doing these things. Neither of these things wouldve happened if I had been
exercising mindfulness.
Strategies

When I decided that I wanted to become more mindful, I searched the

textbook for information on mindfulness and self-improvement. I found the
following strategies, which I planned to integrate in my daily interactions. I
hoped that these communication tools and techniques would help me pull
myself out of my head and focus on the real world instead.
The first strategy I outlined was the use of self-talk (Beebe p. 48). The
textbook cites self-talk as a way to improve mindfulness in intercultural
communication (Beebe p. 108). When I read this part of the textbook, I came
to the conclusion that it could be used for more than just intercultural
communication. After all, its not just people from other cultures you can
have a hard time interacting with and listening too. You can have a hard time
talking to someone with a speech disability, someone who talks quietly or
even someone whos just plain boring. At times like these you need to tell
yourself, I may feel uncomfortable right now, but I will keep listening to this
person (Beebe p. 108).
The second strategy I decided to include in my proposal was to check my
nonverbal behavior (Beebe p. 214-215). This means that when Im around
others, I need to act accordingly. People may be perplexed by strange or
inconsistent nonverbal cues you send when youre not mindful of your
behavior. By checking it regularly, you can make sure that youre not doing
something embarrassing or inappropriate.

My third strategy was to be mindful of others nonverbal behavior

(Beebe p. 80). The book says, when you interact with others, try to identify
one new thing to focus on and observe each time. Focusing on others
behaviors quickly engages mindfulness; if youre focusing on their hand
gestures and movements, your mind cant turn inward. This keeps you from
losing focus and drifting off, like I tend to do.
Constraints
There were some definite problems that came up when I tried to apply these
strategies. The biggest obstacle was figuring out if I was being mindful or
not. You dont notice when youre not being mindful. Thats what
mindlessness is, not noticing what youre doing. What would often happen is
that Id lose focus, and not realize until its too late. However, if I noticed in
time, I could usually implement my strategies.
The second obstacle I had was implementing my second strategy, checking
my nonverbal behavior. As I said before, I had no idea my talking to myself
was visible. I had no idea how to figure out when I was thinking out loud or
just in my head. Because of this, my second strategy fell by the way side
when I was doing this project. I havent progressed very much in solving this
second problem. I think that if I had videotaped myself, perhaps while doing
homework in my room, Id been able to review the tape and find out what
nonverbal cues I expressed. I didnt think of this idea until recently though.
Implementation

I noticed the positive effects of these strategies as soon as I started to

implement them. I found it easier to listen to boring conversations, such as
when my communication teacher was on a tangent. My mass
communications teacher often goes on a totally unrelated tangent. Its
actually these stories I like listening to, the actual lectures are boring! To help
me focus during the lectures, I would focus on his facial expressions and
hand movements. He was old, so he had a lot of expressive lines in his face.
He would also clasp his hands in front of him a lot. Not only was I getting to
hear his story, I had the additional information given off by his facial
expressions and hand gestures.
Paying attention to peoples nonverbal behavior worked well. I would focus
mostly on hand placement and facial expressions. It actually made listening
in these otherwise dull circumstances fun. I felt more of a connection, and I
got a lot more out of the lectures in general. I dont think I applied this
strategy as much as I couldve though. I also wish I paid attention to a wider
range of nonverbal cues. It wouldve been even more interesting to notice
the pitch of their voice, or what they were doing with their feet as I listened.
Using self-talk was also very helpful, especially when there was
communication noise (Beebe p. 7). The text book says noise can be
physical, but it can also be psychological or cultural. For example; in one of
my journal entries I said I was talking to a friend at a party. We were right
next to the speaker that was banging out music, which caused physical

noise. She was telling me a story she had already told me before. This
disinterested me, causing mental noise. Fortunately, I was able to use selftalk to focus on what she was saying.
Another example; In my Communications 2120 class, there is a woman whos
an immigrant from China. She speaks and understands English fairly well,
but it can be difficult communicating with her. Last Wednesday we had a
conversation. At times, it was so difficult to understand what she was saying
that I completely tuned her out and became very unmindful of her. However,
I would use self-talk to get back into the conversation. Because of this, I was
able to have a really interesting discussion. I also found myself
paraphrasing (Beebe p. 142) a lot more with her, along with asking
clarifying questions and engaging in perception checking (Beebe p. 211).
In fact, these three things; paraphrasing, asking clarifying questions and
perception checking, became strategies themselves. I would do these things
whenever I needed to get information I missed while I was off somewhere in
dreamland. Often times Id become lost in thought during a conversation and
then later on confronted for a response. In the past, wanting to give a
confirming response (Beebe p. 148) and to save my face (Beebe p.45), I
would do my best to pretend that I was listening and be supportive of those I
communicated with. However now that Ive recognized my problems with
mindfulness, Ive been more upfront honest that I wasnt listening, and asked
for clarification. Often times someone will say something to me when Im not

fully paying attention. In order to make sure I know what they want, Ill
repeat back the instructions in my own words (Id paraphrase what I thought
they said).
Other times I completely miss the conversation and need to hear everything
all over again. For example, the other day my mother was talking to me,
giving me specific instructions. Hearing (Beebe p. 121) but not listening
(Beebe p. 120). I eventually realized she was talking to me. When I realized
this, I immediately interrupted her and ask her to start over in the politest
way I could. This saved us both a lot of trouble.
I said that my second strategy, checking my nonverbal communication, fell
by the way side. While its true that I didnt use it much, I did use this
strategy sometimes. Ive been trying to correct my posture in an effort to
look and feel my best. One time at the Taylorsville SLCC campus, I saw
myself in the windows of the academic administrations building. I was
hunched over, in an uncomfortable and unconfident position. Since then Ive
tightened the straps of my backpack so its tight against my back. This has
helped me to stand up tall and proud, 6 2 above the ground. Every so
often, when Im sitting at home or at a desk, Ill remind myself to roll my
shoulders back and sit up straight. This has helped me look and feel more
power and confident.
Results

As a consequence of this project, Ive seen many improvement in my

communication with others. For one, Ive become better at noticing when Im
not being mindful, allowing me to correct my behavior. This has allowed me
to communicate better by being more present and fully aware. While Ive
improved in this, I dont feel like its enough. For one, I dont catch myself as
soon as Id like. The idea would be to notice as soon as it happens. Also,
while theres no way I can be sure, there must be times when I never realize
Im not being mindful. When my friend confronted me on my talking to
myself, I had no idea I was doing so. I imagine there have been plenty of
times in the past few weeks when Ive lost all focused and not even realized
it. Well, at least now I notice some of the time.
Ive also seen improvement in my ability to listen actively. I exercised active
listening before, but not to the same degree of effectiveness I do now. I
would listen actively to interesting conversations, but stare blankly into
space during boring ones. Now I can listen actively to both.
Since seeing the problems associated with my lack of mindfulness, Ive
become more willing to humble myself and admit when Im not listening.
Before, whenever I wasnt being mindful in my listening, Id pretend that I
was indeed listening. I did this in an effort to keep a positive face (Beebe p.
45) and in order not to hurt others feelings by giving them a disconfirming
response (Beebe p. 148). Now that been more aware of my lack of

awareness, Ill paraphrase back what I heard if Im unsure of what I heard

and Ill ask people to repeat things I missed.
I havent experienced any negative consequences from this project.
Everything Ive gained from this exercise has been positive. I only wish I had
taken it more seriously and done more; then Id have even greater
improvement. As I said earlier, there are two main communication problems
that come from my mindlessness; not listening and embarrassing nonverbal
cues. As I also said earlier, I havent improved much in the second.
Recommendations
I want to continue implementing these strategies in my daily interactions. I
will continue to use self-talk and pay attention to others behaviors. As far as
paying attention to others behaviors, I plan on diversifying what I pay
attention to. In the past few weeks, I mainly paid attention to facial features
and hand positions. While this helped, I want to also focus on voice features,
such as tone and pitch, and other body positions.
I also want to work on my nonverbal behavior. This was a larger task than I
anticipated at the start. I want to implement more strategies in the text book
to help me tackle it. These strategies include asking others about my
nonverbal behavior and practice my nonverbal behavior (Beebe p.
215-216).

The first strategy involves asking those I trust about how they perceive my
body language, and seeking honest advice from them as to how I can
improve their perception. The text compares this to asking a friend how your
clothes look. This reminds me of something one of my writing teachers once
told me. He said that language is like a suit of clothes. Nonverbal messages
are like clothes in this sense. I can be self-conscious at times, and I dont
always take criticism well. However, my nonverbal messages are too
important for me to avoid. Besides, asking a confidant how my nonverbal
messages appear should carry no shame.
The other strategy, practicing nonverbal behavior, is one I can do on my
own. Earlier I suggested that I could record myself while studying to see what
nonverbal cues I use. I can use the textbook for a reference on what
nonverbal messages show to others, such as the table on page 200. I believe
I will try this. According to the text book, Spending some time practicing
and experimenting with how you express yourself nonverbally can increase
your awareness of how others see you. (Beebe p. 216). This whole
assignment was about improving my mindfulness, which ultimately is
physical self-awareness, so this should help tremendously with my
mindfulness. When I discover a nonverbal pattern that I dont find appealing
Ill practice getting rid of it in front of a mirror.
This was an interesting learning experiment. I actually got to apply the
communication theory Im learning in class to the real world! Im sure after

implementing my original three strategies along with these two new ones, Ill
see significant improvements in my mindfulness.
Works Cited
Beebe S., & Redmond M. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to
Others (7th ed.).
Boston: Pearson Publishers.