Jason Caplin

Humanities Am
Jessica McCallum
December 6th, 2016
Drug Criminalization in America
Part 4
Core Question: Is the criminalization of drugs in America the best way to deal with the issue?
Disclaimer: This poem is a narrative, and does not portray a specific individual, but the general
concepts.
1
It happens too often than not that a horse breaks its leg, and has to be put down
Because what type of life is one where you cant run,
or feel free
To run
and freedom is being grounded in our connection with Mother Earth
That's why we push ourselves to go to the ends of the world
I once knew a free climber who rarely executed a flaw
She would find her limit and test it
Could find her goal and push til she arrived
That's not why she belonged on the jagged face
She could read the slope flawlessly
It was as if she were the kin of our mother
She would flow up the mountain with infatuation
She was home
Among others, she trekked off to a D, her hardest of climbs
Deciphering the face
Double checking gear
Constructing her headspace, she was ready
But an anchor was not
She crashed into a ledge from twenty or so feet up
Writhing in pain, she passed out from complete and utter shock
Her next conscious memory was opening her eyes in a white room,
in a white bed,
with a white floor,
and an older white woman wearing white
from head to toe at her bedside

Looking as she was about to lean forward and try to sit up,
The elderly woman remarked, Dont do that dear. You're going to hurt yourself
You fractured your t 1-4 and broke your c7, you broke your back honey...
2

Do you know what it's like to fall in a loop and lose track of time
To not know or care enough to look at the day or the time
To not be able to feel blades of grass in between your toes
To not be able to taste the crisp morning air?

The first month confined in the white walls were hell

My bowel movements planned like a service
Flipping through the legions of channels
To move half an inch only to approach agony
To be broken
Entirely
Time flew as it never did before, it stood still
Each and every day opening my eyes to see the thousands of black specks covering the tiles
Counting down the minutes to my next dosage
Because when she brings the pills in a little cup
The pain goes away, I feel at ease
The first few nights I would truly ache
Id call in the nurse, not knowing what else to do
Shed inject a clear fluid into my IV,
seemingly instantly,
the pain would subside,
as would I.
3
What felt like two years finally reached its end
I could lift myself up and explore my surroundings
I stretched my legs right out the door, my head held high
I essentially felt free again, with the condition of rehabilitation
My broken body had been wasting away in a shattered mass
I needed to begin my trek of PT, however difficult it may be
Though I wasn't alone
The little pills made it bearable

Instructed to ingest two pills, every four hours, id be poppin all day
Whether or not I was in the sandmans grasp, weighing heavy on my normality
They helped me get better, made me feel better
Leading me back to myself
By the fourth of many PT sessions to go, I caught my foot, stumbling into the wall
Slamming my side, grinding my frail bones
My lungs breathless, mind thoughtless, psyche hopeless
My next dosage wasnt till noon, another 40 minutes
But I didnt care, I needed it now
I slipped my hand into my bag and wrapped my lips around the little pills
The next thing I knew I was able to breathe
I began looking forward to disruption from my slumber
They didn't just make PT bearable
They could transform any situation
And allow you to find pleasure in the abyss of pain
I upped my dosage, to what I saw fit
It wasnt til 30 pills and four days left that I realized what Id done
My train of thought frantically raced around, seeking a solution
Ill just take a pill and a half instead
The first dosage didnt feel right
I was on the brink of pleasure
I needed more
More More More
Four days came to zero, I was empty
Intellectually, my body didnt need it any more
Internally, in a state of shock How the hell will I get through the day?
The day was one thought in my mind
Little pills
Incomplete
Out of sync
Removed from my self
An untamed urge eating at my conscience
I was seeking headspace by reading a book
Too jittery and too anxious
Ignoring my unease I forced myself to buckle down and read
Straining my eyes, striking a splitting headache
I rifled my pill cabinet, feening for relief

And popped some motrin

It wasnt enough, It isnt enough
More
I stepped outside to light up a smoke
My favorite of guilty tendencies
It wasnt the same
More More
I hit up my girl, needing a night of Ben & Jerrys
She rolled up with a little something else rolled up
Proceeding to the deck, we sparked up the J
I took a deep breath in, inhaling the vibes and high
And it was nice, it didnt fill the gape, but it was a start.
4
It doesnt get me as high as it used to
It was never enough, but never had it been so subtle
I returned to my dealers house
I need some more weed, Im out
He said Out already? You came by just the other day in disbelief
I only want to feel numb, but it takes too much I replied
His eyebrow raised, What do you mean by numb
I cant tell you to what degree those pills completed me
After rifling through a drawer, he removed a little bag of powder, flicking the corner
Youve probably heard of H before, its reputation is uncanny,
But it's not as bad as they say, thisll complete you trust me
Hell no, that stuff is petrifying and lethal I instantly stammered
Don't be such a wimp he hissed, filling his syringe
Have I ever lead you astray? Hang out for a while and try some
His words echoed through my head
Bouncing off of the walls
Taking over
You only live once I thought Why not, he says it's what I need
I surrendered my forearm, and winced my head
Shaking like winter, he told me to calm down, to embrace the experience
In Out In Out
The prick, the pressure
I opened my eyes, that wasnt so bad

I opened my eyes only to see everything the same in a different way

There was a feeling in the room, an aura, hazing my vision, bewildering my thoughts
I opened my eyes and saw myself peering back at me
There was no mirror
An other side of me an other part of me was looking back
Staring back with eyes dead as night
I didnt feel fear
It was intimacy
I opened my eyes only to see myself, but from a different angle
It was pointed in
It gazed past my walls and into the depths of my deepest fears and desperations
It welcomed me
I was home
5
I opened my eyes after yet another dreamless night,
I am a thoughtless marionette trudging blindly
The tendency, the relief, the infatuation
Blankly staring, summoning the strength
My fantasization of relief
The self scandal
Surrendering conquer
Purloined life
Ignorant of my bliss
Astray without direction
Absent puppeteer of will

Self initiated
Perpetuated
Provided
Dealer nourished
My independent escape
Loathing confrontation
Alone
Detrimental accessibility
Vital regimen
Psychological arrear
Cretinous lust
Delinquent delusion

I am circling the drain of existential crisis

Struggling to find whats important, and how to summon the will
To help myself, to accept myself
Help