ElijahSchaunamanpp1roughdraft.

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by Elijah Schaunaman

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ELIJAHSCHAUNAMAN-PP1ROUGHDRAFT .DOCX (7.62K)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

14-SEP-2016 02:30PM

WORD COUNT

773

SUBMISSION ID

705333645

CHARACT ER COUNT

3838

f ormat t ing

Frag.
1

4
cit e summary

Frag.
5

Frag.

cit e summary
7

unpack

Frag.
cit e summary
8

cit e summary

Frag.

ElijahSchaunaman-pp1roughdraft.docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

18

SIMILARIT Y INDEX

17%

2%

16%

INT ERNET SOURCES

PUBLICAT IONS

ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

Submitted to California Virtual Campus Region

IV

7%

St udent Paper

2
3

6%

www.freerepublic.com
Int ernet Source

3%

Submitted to Stephen F. Austin State

University
St udent Paper

Submitted to CSU, San Diego State University

St udent Paper

EXCLUDE QUOT ES

OFF

EXCLUDE
BIBLIOGRAPHY

OFF

EXCLUDE MAT CHES

OFF

2%

ElijahSchaunaman-pp1roughdraft.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/80

Instructor
Elijah,
You do identif y examples f rom the article that are
important, but this paper seems a bit like a list of
ideas f rom the article that are not connected. First
you should start with an introduction that has a
thesis statement. What is this author's argument?
Next, you need topic sentences that connect all of
the paragraph ideas to the thesis statement. Finally,
you need a conclusion that restates the thesis and
connects to the introduction.

Here are a f ew other things to consider:

-you have many sentence f ragments and run-ons
that are distracting to the reader, which you will want
to f ix once you have worked on the larger issues
-you need citations f ollowing any direct quotation
and f ollowing any chunk of summarized inf ormation

Focus on the global issues f irst. If you want me to

take another look at it, let me know. Let me know if
you have questions. You will revise this paper f or
the f inal portf olio, and it is a good idea to get
started on that sooner rather than later. --JL

PAGE 1

QM

f ormatting
You need to f ix your f ormatting so that it f ollows MLA guidelines.
-heading (name, instructor, class, date)
-header -- upper right corner (last name pg #)

-original title
-times new roman 12 pt f ont
QM

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

Comment 1
T his sentence is awkward--consider revising and combining with another?

Comment 2
T his introduction f eels like a list of the topics that Murray discusses. What is the main
argument? What is the thesis f or your paper? T his should be revised.

Comment 3
You should begin every paragraph with a topic sentence that connects clearly to your thesis
statement. Why are you including these rules? T hat would be what the topic sentence should
address. Also, is there a benef it to quoting this entire chunk? T his would be better
summarized.
PAGE 2

Comment 4
Reword.
QM

cite summary
You need to cite all summarized inf ormation in addition to citing all direct quotations. Every
paragraph, regardless of whether you include a direct quotation, should have a citation at the
end of summary.

QM

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

Comment 5
Start with a strong topic sentence here.
QM

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

Comment 6
What idea does this support? T his is very unclear.
QM

cite summary
You need to cite all summarized inf ormation in addition to citing all direct quotations. Every
paragraph, regardless of whether you include a direct quotation, should have a citation at the
end of summary.

Comment 7
topic sentence?
QM

unpack
You need to unpack your quotes, meaning that you don't end with direct quotations. Your
paragraphs should end with you summarizing and connecting the article inf ormation to your
thesis statement. T his will make your overall organization stronger.

QM

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

QM

cite summary
You need to cite all summarized inf ormation in addition to citing all direct quotations. Every
paragraph, regardless of whether you include a direct quotation, should have a citation at the
end of summary.
Additional Comment
Also, this seems really choppy. Start with a strong topic sentence, and include inf ormation that

directly supports that sentence.

Comment 8
T opic sentence f ollowed by support
PAGE 3

QM

cite summary
You need to cite all summarized inf ormation in addition to citing all direct quotations. Every
paragraph, regardless of whether you include a direct quotation, should have a citation at the
end of summary.

QM

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

Comment 9
How does this quote contribute to the conclusion? Restate the thesis and connect to the
introduction.
PAGE 4