UNTITLED SCREENPLAY

by
My Name Here

123/456-7890
no.such@thing.com

FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP MAIN ROOM
Time is frozen.
A plump, orange tabby cat, SIR BINGHAM, in full knight-armor
stares out into space.
TOBY, an American teen with an ironic t-shirt sits playing
on his phone.
EERIE, a neon-blue holographic female is analysing a
computer screen flashing red with the word ERROR.
THE DOCTOR, a grungy man in a wife-beater with a lapel that
reads MECH/DOC is in motion. He lubes his robotic-legs with
oil and lights candles. Staring at the crew-members, he
salivates at the mouth.
SPRINKLES, the Doctor's furry companion stands nearby with
video camera and tripod.
Time unfreezes.
TOBY
Eerie, what's a seven letter word
for aEERIE
Chad, what the fuck?! Where did you
come from?
Dr. Chad screams.
TOBY
Wait, what's going on?
Chad begins gathering his candles and oil can in his arms.
DR. CHAD
Nothing. Testing my equipment, stay
out of my business!
TOBY
Is Sprinkles filming us?
DR. CHAD
I said stay out of my business.
You've never complained when
Sprinkles filmed you before.
EERIE
Damn it, Chad, get the Hell out of
here!
Chad rushes out of the room dropping candles with Sprinkles
in tow. The ship's intercom buzzes and rings.
EERIE
What now?

2.
SNIFFLES
Bingham?
A giant hologram of SNIFFLES, the cat emperor, appears.
BINGHAM
Eerie, what is going on here?!
Clean this mess up at once!
Eerie frantically tries to clean up.
EERIE
Oh, Emperor Sniffles, how are you?
We're just doing some, research
here.
SNIFFLES
So I see. Well, Bingham, we need
you to be at Sigma-Alpha 7
immediately. We've begun to
experience some difficulties at the
kitty litter processing plant, we
need someone to... clean it up.
SIR BINGHAM
(sighs)
Of course, sir. Eerie, plot the
way.
SNIFFLES
Good, I expect to take a crap there
by 3:30 tomorrow. Goodbye.
The hologram disappears.
SIR BINGHAM
Alright then, let's get going. Wake
me when we arrive, I'll be in my
quarters.
EERIE
You don't seem particularly excited
about this mission, sir.
SIR BINGHAM
Of course I'm not, Eerie, but it's
all in a day's work. You know,
nobody ever talks about all the
crap-jobs Jeff Goldblum had before
he got famous.
EERIE
Sorry to infringe on your beauty
sleep, but the ship is experiencing
multiple systems failure. Nuclear
power has dropped to 30% and the
auxiliary electrical sources are
starting to experience similar
failures. You'll have to-

3.
SIR BINGHAM
What the Hell do we have a even
doctor-mechanic for?
Eerie keys the intercom and sloshing sex noise overcomes the
intercom. Eerie stares blankly at Bingham. Bingham snaps his
fingers.
SIR BINGHAM
Eerie!
SIR BINGHAM
Jesus and Mary, Eerie, what's that
noise?
EERIE
It could be getting worse down
there.
SIR BINGHAM
Toby, go see what the Hell is going
on down there. And Eerie, get a
chemical analysis of the
surrounding planets' atmospheres.
Looks like we're going to have a
forced vacation.
TOBY
Woohoo!
Toby exits the bridge hastily and leaves Bingham and Eerie
alone.
EERIE
It looks as if there's only one
viable planet in the vicinity, sir.
Inhabitants are likely, but fauna
should maintain a minimum size due
to gravity and oxygen levels. No
giants on this planet.
SIR BINGHAM
Thank God. If there's one thing I
hate, it's giants. Remember that
time with the Amazonians?
EERIE
It makes me oily thinking about it,
sir.
SIR BINGHAM
Eew.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANET SURFACE/TRIBAL VILLAGE - DAY
Sir Bingham's ship comes burning through the sky and crashes
into a wooden hut. Malfunctioning gears slowly release a

4.
walkway out of the ship. Bingham and Eerie exit to a small
village filled with green-humanoid snails slowly coming out
of their shells and gathering around the burning wreckage.
SIR BINGHAM
You there, snail-man!
DURUM, a snail with a jug of water on his shell stands
staring.
DURUM
Me?
SIR BINGHAM
Yes, you. You may instruct your
people the following: I mean no
harm. On the contrary, I am Sir
Bingham, knight of the royal order
of the planet Petsco. Now that your
insignificant little lives are in
my capable paws, your fortunes may
now change for the better. No more
shall you live in these slums and
ghettos! I shall avail you of the
worst of your society's problems.
Now then, first things first, what
shall I kill for you? Rival
village? Evil monster? Crazy aunt?
EERIE
Sir, don't you think we should be
focusing onSIR BINGHAM
Nonsense, Eerie, this is an
emergency. Can't you see these
people need me?
Eerie looks out among the burning wreckage.
EERIE
I don't think you're actually
helpingSIR BINGHAM
(whispers)
Eerie, this is my big chance. The
Emperor won't care about shit after
I've assimilated an entire planet
for him. We're just gonna do this
real quick, then get the litter for
the Emperor. No problem-o.
DURUM
Sir? There is one thingSIR BINGHAM
Yes?

5.
DURUM
The giant, sir.
SIR BINGHAM
Fuck! (Then) No matter, show me to
the wretched beast.
DURUM
Sir, he's really more of a nuisance
to most of us and our God has told
us not toSIR BINGHAM
If you'd like to keep your
eye-tentacles where they are, I'd
suggest you show me, now! (To
Eerie) You see, Eerie? These people
are absolute savages. We can't just
leave them like this.
Eerie rolls her eyes and walks back into the ship. The ship
rolls up its walkway and cranks the car-like engine but it
will not turn over as Bingham sets off on a dirt road.
CUT TO:
INT. SPACESHIP/MECHANIC'S ROOM
Toby slowly opens a door that reads "DOCTOR/MECHANIC" to see
Chad fooling with a make-shift sex-doll. SPRINKLES, Chad's
pet, cowers in the corner. Dr. Chad hurls the doll at
Sprinkles and gets up to greet Toby.
TOBY
Oh my God! What were you doing?!
DR. CHAD
I'll be honest, Toby, because I
know nobody likes you. You deserve
the truth.
TOBY
Okay...
DR. CHAD
It's a memorial-sex-doll. To
remember the best lover I ever had,
she was taken from me. Horribly.
TOBY
I'm sorry, man, what happened?
DR. CHAD
Leg cancer. Super-leg cancer. It's
why I went cyborg... (holding back
tears) Mama.
Chad wipes a tear from his eye.

6.
TOBY
Alright, well I'll pretend that
didn't happen. Eerie said our power
was failing and you might know how
to fix it. She was right, I think,
cause we, you know, crashed or
whatever.
Dr. Chad keeps looking at his doll, touching himself.
TOBY
D-Did you hear me?
DR. CHAD
Either one of two things'll happen.
One: She'll let me rape her. Or
two: I'll rape her.
TOBY
God! Can you say something normal?
DR. CHAD
What did you say, you little runt?
TOBY
Forget it. The ship, can you fix
it?
DR. CHAD
Oh yeah, that's obvious. We just
ran out of that shit that makes the
shit crap out of the ship's
shitter. You can tell that
robo-bitch to check her circuits,
I'll handle it.
TOBY
Um, are you sure? You seem
preoccupied. What is this stuff?
Can't I just get it myself?
DR. CHAD
The SHIT, fucknut, is Medupian
crystals. I think I better handle
the receiving end of things myself.
They can be, uh, dangerous.
TOBY
Okay, I'll tell Eerie.
Toby exits and the automatic door closes behind him.
CUT TO:
INT. SPACESHIP COCKPIT
Toby walks in to Eerie watching a horror movie on the couch.
Toby cautiously sits next to her.

7.
TOBY
(takes a breath)
So, what are you up to, Eerie?
EERIE
Watching a movie.
Screams play loudly from the screen.
TOBY
Oh, really?
EERIE
...
TOBY
Right, nice. So, um, I guess you
like these kind of movies, huh?
People getting sliced up, masks,
chainsaws....
Screams blare from the screen and Toby looks towards it.
TOBY
Rape?
EERIE
Yeah. You learn so much from them.
All the violent films have the most
educational content, you know?
TOBY
Yeah, right. (Then) So, um. I was
thinking, maybe sometime, we could
go out sometimeEerie pauses then her mouth acts as a speaker and plays a
busy tone.
TOBY
Oh, ok. I just thought we could do
something together sometime. Like,
you know, more than just a job.
EERIE
It's simply not possible Toby,
besides your naivet and general
lack of positive qualities, the
main element of my programming is
to please Sir Bingham. And as you
may, or may not know, he doesn't
have very much respect for you. I
do not believe that would benefit
either of you. If you would like
more reasons I can continue.
TOBY
N-no, no. That's enough.

8.
Toby turns to leave the room.
EERIE
Toby...
Toby turns back excitedly.
TOBY
Yes?!
EERIE
What did Chad say?
TOBY
Oh. Something about Meldulian
Crystals? He said he would handle
it.
EERIE
You mean Medupian, Toby. They
transfer power from the nuclear
reactor throughout the ship.
Luckily this planet has an
abundance of deposits. Chad should
know where to find them, but you're
going to need to accompany him.
It's rumored they make you
irresistible to the opposite sex,
and he'll most likely take you to a
sex shop to get them. Get him and
the crystals back as fast as
possible.
TOBY
You can count on me, Eerie!
FADE TO:
INT. DAMP CAVE
Bingham walks through the cave, sword in hand.
SIR BINGHAM
Giant! I have come to slay you.
Have the courage to bring yourself
before your furry orange doom!
A large, deep moan screeches from deeper in the cave. A
giant cyclops snail emerges, smashing the walls of the cave
and Bingham's whole body down to his tail quickly stiffens
and fluffs up.
SIR BINGHAM
Alright, come at me!
The snail charges Bingham, very slowly. Bingham's fear
dissipates and he laughs confidently before charging the
snail. He becomes stuck to the snail on contact and starts
being slowly rolled over.

9.
SIR BINGHAM
Ahh! You slimy son of a bitch!
Shit! God damn Gary-lookin' mother
fucker!
Bingham begins being thrashed about by the giant snail
slowly. The snail repeatedly smashes Bingham against a giant
sliding puzzle. It releases Bingham who falls at the base of
the puzzle. The snail points at the puzzle with its eyes.
SIR BINGHAM
Yooou want me to solve your puzzle?
The giant snail screams.
SIR BINGHAM
Alright then, what if I do?
The snail moves slightly and exposes the doorway behind him.
SIR BINGHAM
I can leave? If I solve the puzzle
I can leave?
The snail remains silent, but affirming and Bingham smiles
confidently once more. He moves one of the sliding tiles
causing the snail to scream and bash him against it.
SIR BINGHAM
Alright, not that one. How about
this?
FADE TO:
EXT. PLANET SURFACE/TRIBAL VILLAGE - DUSK
Toby and Dr. Chad are walking through a seedy part of the
snail city looking for the crystals. Illegal activity is
everywhere, a snail is raping a humanoid algae. Another
snail is selling drugs from his shell.
TOBY
Are you sure we should be around
here? Seems kind of sketchy.
DR. CHAD
Don't be so naive, Toby. This place
is just like where I grew up, and I
had a wonderful childhood. Nothing
to worry about.
TOBY
I'm not naive.
Dr. Chad's face lights up and he points to a store sign
containing a giant alien penis.
DR. CHAD
This is the place.

10.
FADE TO:
INT. SNAIL SEX SHOP - DUSK
Bottles of "Egg Enhancer" and "Acid Free Sex Change!" Are
displayed behind the counter of the shop. KADRI, a
middle-aged crossdressing snail wearing a kippah splitting
his eyes.
TOBY
(whispers)
We're looking for some meChad grabs Toby by the shoulder and interrupts him.
DR. CHAD
Hold off, bitch boy, let me handle
this. (To Kadri) Hey there, my
name's Chad. You must be pretty
horny, working in a place like
this, huh?
KADRI
I tell ya, snails are always horny!
We'll fuck anything even if it
doesn't walk!
DR. CHAD
Well, today must be your lucky day,
I walk real good.
Chad pulls away his labcoat and motions to his robot legs.
KADRI
Sorry, pregnant with a litter.
DR. CHAD
Well nobody ever said you couldn't
get more pregnant.
KADRI
I don't think I can help you boys,
let me get Krystal.
Kadri slides off into the back.
TOBY
How do you think, um, it, knew we
wanted the crystals?
DR. CHAD
(loudly whispers)
Probably because you're so fuckin'
stupid, Toby. You, right this very
second, are blowing this. Now, shut
the fuck up before I make your face
not your face.

11.
KRYSTAL, a provocatively dressed human female walks out, to
aid Chad and Toby.
DR. CHAD
Whoa!
KRYSTAL
Hey fellas, Kadri said you might
need some help?
DR. CHAD
...
TOBY
Yeah, actually that other, uh, lady
said she was getting us some
crystals.
KRYSTAL
Haha, that's cute. I'm Krystal, she
got me.
DR. CHAD
Haha, Toby, you're so fuckin'
stupid.
Krystal looks blankly at Chad and turns back to Toby.
KRYSTAL
Right, so what's YOUR name?
TOBY
T-Toby.
KRYSTAL
So, T-Toby what's a handsome young
man like you doing looking for
crystals, you cant be having a hard
time with the ladies, can you?
TOBY
Uh, no no! We need the crystals for
ourDR. CHAD
He's totally a virgin, don't
listen.
Dr. Chad shakes his head and Toby glares at him.
TOBY
We need the crystals for our ship,
something to do with the reactors.
KRYSTAL
Whatever you say, boys, but, Toby,
if you wanna have some fun tonight,
give me a call. You can even bring
your, charming friend.

12.
Krystal writes her number on a snail diaphragm wrapper and
hands it to Toby.
TOBY
Wow!
KRYSTAL
By the way that'll be nine thousand
Galagas for the Meds. We take visa.
TOBY
We don't have that kind of money! I
mean, I guess we could always call
EeDR. CHAD
Snatch and run! HAHAHA!
Chad grabs the crystal and pushes Toby over.
TOBY
Wait! Wait!
Dr. Chad is stopped by an invisible wall at the exit.
KADRI
Nice try. You know, if you don't
have money, you can earn it at
fight club in the barn right
outside of town. If you know the
founder, you won't have any trouble
getting in.
DR. CHAD
Fight club, eh? I'm in. So who's
this founder guy?
KADRI
I'm the founder. And you look
pretty, uh, headstrong. So be there
at nine tonight. I'll even make
crystals the prize, yes? Now, leave
my store before I put your balls on
my shelf.
FADE TO:
INT. DAMP CAVE - DUSK
SIR BINGHAM
(exhausted)
How about this one?
Bingham gets smashed into the puzzle once more.
SIR BINGHAM
Maybe this way?

13.
Again, Bingham is slammed into the puzzle. Bingham stares at
the puzzle and notices a stalactite of salt above the
puzzle.
SIR BINGHAM
Okay then that, quite alright, but
how about this one!
Bingham runs up the wall and slices a stalactite made of
salt, crushing and melting the snail.
SIR BINGHAM
Fuck yeah! Suck on that! Woo! Now,
to show these villagers how to
worship.
As Bingham begins sawing at the snail's head, the puzzle
reveals a dog's picture.
FADE TO:
INT. MAIN CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
Toby sits staring at his phone while Eerie sits at a
computer.
EERIE
Toby, why are still on your phone?
There is important things to do.
Can't you help the doctor prepare
for his fight or something?
TOBY
He has Sprinkles out getting him
cocaine, last time he did coke he
killed a guy for fun. We should be
fine. And I'm waiting until it's
officially tonight. I wanna be
cool, but I don't really like to
stay out past ten, so do you think
eight is too early? Or-or maybe I
can take her to a movie so when we
come out, it's dark outside and she
doesn't know how much time passed,
right? That's not weird is it?
EERIE
Toby, calm down, okay? As soon as
Chad gets those crystals we'll have
to leave. And besides, I don't
think this is exactly the girl of
your dreams. It's just not meant to
be.
TOBY
But this girl really likes me,
Eerie. You couldn't understand.

14.
EERIE
What's that supposed to mean?
Toby's phone chirps.
TOBY
Oh, you really think she doesn't
like me, Eerie?
EERIE
I never said that, ITOBY
I think she likes me.
The computer begins to flash.
EERIE
Wait, what's this?
TOBY
I think she really likes me, Eerie.
EERIE
Toby, now's not the time, the
computer saysTOBY
Don't you wanna know why I think
she likes me?
EERIE
No, Toby, listenTOBY
Look!
Toby displays a full frontal nude-picture on his phone with
the caption "W8n 4 U".
CUT TO:
INT. SPACESHIP/MEDICAL ROOM - NIGHT
DR. CHAD is performing surgery on himself as Eerie and Toby
appear.
EERIE
All systems check out Doc, except
for the- oh wow. That's incredible.
What'd you do to yourself?
DR. CHAD
I fell.
EERIE
(pause)
You're lying.

15.
DR. CHAD
No, I, um, I was looking forNothing, it was down some stairs.
EERIE
Chad. Are you lying?
DR. CHAD
No.
EERIE
I think your lying, you appear to
be high.
DR. CHAD
I was doing cocaine and now
Sprinkles is inside me! Okay?! Get
off my ass!
Dr. Chad grabs inside himself and pulls as hard as he can,
shrieking out in pain.
DR. CHAD
Oh cmon, don't be such a pussy!
EERIE
Who are you talking to?!
DR. CHAD
To me, bitch-face!
EERIE
Fine, Chad, but you better get all
this handled ASAP. The fight, the
ship... Whatever you've done here.
And make sure Toby forgets about
this snail whore or whatever she is
before we leave.
Toby walks away as Dr. Chad yanks out Sprinkles with a sigh
of relief.
DR. CHAD
I'm sorry, little buddy, did I hurt
you?
FADE TO:
INT. MAIN CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
Eerie sits at a computer screen as Toby dresses up for his
"date".
TOBY
How do I look?

16.
EERIE
Toby, you know how I feel about
this... nonetheless if you really
want my opinion, you look like
shit.
Note

You look like a *blank* - Insert joke here

TOBY
Thanks, I'll go change.
EERIE
I mean always, don't change. It
won't help.
Note

Again, I think we can do better here.

TOBY
Well, I think I look really cool.
And what do you know, Eerie? You're
practically a robot. She's askin'
if I can slam it, it's like Redman,
tonight's da night.
Eerie sighs as Toby leaves the ship. A blue dot flashes on
Eerie's computer screen.
Note

^^^ We don't really need this scene above ^^^

CUT TO:
EXT. PLANET SURFACE/TRIBAL VILLAGE - NIGHT
Toby walks the streets on his phone. He gets a call.
TOBY
Hello? Krystal?
EERIE
Sorry, it's me.
TOBY
What?
EERIE
We still need to focus on these
crystals, Toby. Please make sure
the doctor keeps his word.
TOBY
Listen, things are fresh with
Krystal right now, I really gotta
focus on keeping her happy. I'll do
what I can, but you know.
EERIE
No, Toby, I don't know, that's notToby gets a call from Krystal.

17.
TOBY
Sorry Eerie, my bae is calling.
EERIE
Toby, no!
Toby hangs up on Eerie and answers the call from Krystal.
TOBY
H-Hello?
KRYSTAL
Hey, stud, where ya at?
TOBY
I'm in the market. (Then) Should we
meet?
KRYSTAL
Sure. I'll send you the directions.
FADE TO:
INT. THE SECRET EYE BAR
Toby and Krystal stand at the bar of a night club playing
electro-dance music. The patrons consist mainly of poorly
crossdressing aliens and their dates.
TOBY
(yelling)
Wow, you're the prettiest girl
here! I can't believe I'm so lucky!
KRYSTAL
I'm the lucky one, silly. I don't
see too many other humans around
here. Snail guys are great and all,
but it's nice to be with someone
like yourself for a change, you
know?
Note

* Toby's abduction/start? *
TOBY
Yeah, totally. I totally get you. I
got abducted from a gas station on
a trip to Mars with my parents like
a year ago and ever since then I've
only seen like two others, not
counting you.
KRYSTAL
I was abducted too!
TOBY
No way, maybe it was the same
people. Pirates?

18.
KRYSTAL
No. I was abducted by pedophilians.
After they released me I floated
around the galaxy for a while and
eventually ended up here. After the
experiments, I found I had a lot in
common with the snails.
TOBY
That's so sad.
Toby awkwardly places his arm around Krystal.
KRYSTAL
You wanna get out of here?
TOBY
Yo, check please!
The snail-bartender throws a bottle at Toby, missing
slightly, it shatters on the wall behind him.
FADE TO:
INT. SNAIL KING'S HALL - NIGHT
Bingham lies among gold and fine linen, being fed by the
snail-people.
SNAIL-KING
Master Bingham?
SIR BINGHAM
(yawning)
Meow what?
SNAIL-KING
I trust you have been treated most
suitably by my staff and that ALL
we had to offer was more than to
your liking?
SIR BINGHAM
I have found things to be
acceptable but no more. It will
do... Also, I demanded sardines
close to an hour ago, where thy be,
hmm?
SNAIL-KING
Great sir, we are mere snails, we
move very slowly.
SIR BINGHAM
Am I really the first to complain
about this?
SNAIL-KING
Were snails, most people just unde-

19.
Bingham's communicator rings again and he answers.
SIR BINGHAM
Eerie! You'll never guess what I've
been up to!
EERIE
Honestly, I don't care. Whatever
you're doing, you need to stop and
come help with the ship.
SIR BINGHAM
Ha! Yeah right, Eerie, what don't
you understand about this being a
vacation? Act like it. Why don't
you put, uhhh, Topher on it? You
gotta come down here, these
snail-people are lovin' me. I even
got them to build me a statue made
of salt! How funny is that? HA!
EERIE
Sir, could you please try to make
your way back to the ship as soon
as you can.
SIR BINGHAM
Eerie, I am L-I-V-I-N. I'm not
going anywhere anytime soon.
EERIE
Sir, I could really use your help
in all this. We need aSIR BINGHAM
If I don't liberate these people
from the unforgiving, icy grasp of
poverty who will? Hmm? Some other
joker'll come along and they'll
just worship him. Do you want that,
Eerie? Do you?
EERIE
No sir, but the crashSIR BINGHAM
What crash?
EERIE
The ship crashed earlier today, you
were there, Sir.
SIR BINGHAM
Ah yes, continue.
EERIE
Well, we still need a few things
before we can go anywhere.

20.
SIR BINGHAM
Eerie, this is preposterous. I've
been gone for close to nine hours.
Nine! I've slayed vicious beasts,
TERRIBLE beasts, beyond imaginable
size and you tell me the ship has
yet to be fixed? Put the doctor on!
EERIE
He and Toby have been gone most of
the day. They're really testing my
patience programming as well. I
told you we should have never
picked up that Toby, he's just a
crap in the pool. A dead weight.
SIR BINGHAM
...Toby. I remember him now.
Note

Wanted like Eerie mentions crap, then Bingham remembers

Toby.
Bingham's face swells with disgust.
FADE TO:
INT. KRYSTAL'S STUDIO APARTMENT
Toby and Krystal enter her apartment giggling and kissing,
clearly feeling very close with each other.
KRYSTAL
You want something to drink? Or
something else maybe? I have coke.
TOBY
I've never really done coke before,
I think I'll just have a drink. It
makes you kind of crazy doesn't it?
Krystal begins pouring drinks.
KRYSTAL
Coke? No way, its not like that at
all, its just a nice kick to even
you out. It's great with drinks.
TOBY
I smoked a cigarette once. Does it
give you a head-rush?
KRYSTAL
Well, it's sort of a rush. And if
you do too much, it'll give you a
head-ache.
Krystal gives Toby her drink then grabs a baggie and begins
chopping up lines. She motions to Toby to go first.

21.
TOBY
Maybe you should go first.
KRYSTAL
Don't be scared, honey.
TOBY
I'm not scared.
Toby grabs the coke tube and snorts a line.
TOBY
I don't- it's working right. I feel
wooToby passes out on the couch.
CUT TO:
INT. DOMITUS REX'S HOME - DAY
DOMITUS REX, a small, shaved lhasa apso dressed in gym
clothes and a sweatband runs back and forth on a large field
behind his home. An exercise machine continually throws a
stick labeled 10 lbs. His servant, CRAIG, approaches.
DOM
What up?
CRAIG
Yo, you got problem, son.
DOM
Don't be callin' me son, son, what
you want?
CRAIG
Man, where do I start? Ya weak as
shit. Ya smell like shit. Ya stupid
as shit. Sheeeeeeit.
Craig cackles at his own joke and Dom quickly slaps him in
the face to quiet him.
DOM
I already told you how I feel about
trash talk while you're on the job.
Act like a professional before I go
find someone that can. Hell, I'd
settle for someone who doesn't
freak out every time my cellphone
reflects light on the wall.
CRAIG
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I can
do better. I swear.

22.
DOM
We'll see, Craig, we'll see. Now
then, why do you disturb me in the
middle of my workout?
CRAIG
It's a cat sirDOM
Where!? Where?!
CRAIG
Not here, on the snail planet.
Reports say a cat has taken over
and, uh, it killed Fluffy Doves.
DOM
Mafucka! Fluffy Doves, no! Your
kiddin' me, I am gonna skin that
God damn cat alive.
CRAIG
Hell yeah, let's stomp this pussy!
DOM
I'ma kill him more than I killed
that fool Tyrese.
SERVANT
(shakes head)
Cold.
FADE TO:
INT. KRYSTAL'S STUDIO APARTMENT
Toby awakens to find himself stripped naked on the bed,
Krystal stands ready to insert its penis in Toby.
TOBY
Jesus Christ! W-whats going on?
KRYSTAL
Oh no Toby! You weren't supposed to
wake up yet, I'm sorry you had to
see me like this.
TOBY
See you? You were about to put your
uh, thing on me! And I was drugged!
KRYSTAL
Well in you, but that's besides the
point. Toby, I really like you, I
only drugged you because I was
afraid you might have been
apprehensive about my... situation.

23.
TOBY
Apprehensive? And if by situation
you mean the terrifying frankencock
you have, then yeah... I have to
leave.
KRYSTAL
Toby, no! I have a vagina too. And
an asshole!
TOBY
You lied to me, Krystal. I don't
care if you have a thousand
assholes!
Toby storms out the door.
KRYSTAL
I'll miss you!
CUT TO:
INT. SNAIL BARN FIGHT CLUB
Dr. Chad stands above a convulsing snail. A large crowd
surrounds him chanting "DOC, DOC, DOC" repeatedly.
KADRI
Ladies and gentlesnails! Certainly
entertaining, that was, no? I
haven't seen beating like that
since I was little boy back in the
salt slum... The cyborg has proven
himself so far,yes? But the fact
remains... the fact remains,
people, that our heavy metal friend
here still has three more fights to
go! The drama will only increase.
Bets can still bet placed with
Shmagma in the back. Now then,
bring in the next challenger!
The crowd cheers and jeers. Curtains separate to reveal a
large intimidating looking snail with tattoos and scars. He
slowly makes his way towards the ring receiving high fives
from the crowd along the way. Once he enters the ring Kadri
instructs the two to shake hands, the fight starts, and the
snails comically slow attack speed allows Chad to easily
kill it graphically.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANET SURFACE/TRIBAL VILLAGE - NIGHT
Toby sadly walks down the street, with his head hung low.
Suddenly a dirty old snail appears and flashes him. Toby
responds by fleeing down the street in shock. He stops as he
approaches the location of the fight club.

24.
TOBY
Is this where the fight club is?
BOUNCER
Yeah, you're not fighting are you?
TOBY
So what if I am?
BOUNCER
It's just that you're like 14 and
you kind of look like a pussy, no
offense.
TOBY
A pussy?!
BOUNCER
You're crying. Just saying, dude.
TOBY
I-I'm sweating.
BOUNCER
Just go inside kid.
TOBY
(voice cracks)
Damn right.
FADE TO:
INT. SNAIL BARN FIGHT CLUB
Chad now stands above the body of multiple snails, some
still alive, futilely attempting to crawl away with their
broken shells as Chad parades around the ring in victory.
Once again the crowd chants "Doc, Doc, Doc!" Towards the
ring.
TOBY
Are you done, can we go?
DR. CHAD
Really? Can we go? Look what I just
did. I'm totally getting laid after
this, I'm barely even gonna need
those crystals.
TOBY
No, Eerie said to get the crystals
back as soon as you won them.
DR. CHAD
Since when do you care what Eerie
says, shouldn't you be layin' pipe
on that girlfriend of yours?

25.
TOBY
He's not m- She's not my
girlfriend. Nothing happened!
Kadri approaches with the Medupian Crystals in hand.
KADRI
Amazing work, my friend, I've won
quite a few G's off of you tonight.
I think I celebrate by fucking my
dead wife's sister. She is whore.
Here are your sex crystals, enjoy.
Chad opens the sealed baggie holding the crystals inside and
wretches.
DR. CHAD
Sweet Jesus! These things smell
like shit, how is this going to
help me get laid?
KADRI
I don't have nose, sorry.
DR. CHAD
Well shit, this whole thing has
just been disappointing. Let's go
gayboy.
TOBY
I'm not- I didn't- Doc, whats the
worst thing you ever did while on
cocaine?
DR. CHAD
Woah, buddy! Worst thing I ever did
on coke was suck a dick, it was
also for coke, too. You didn't suck
a dick did you?
TOBY
Uh no, I don't think so at least.
DR. CHAD
It's okay, bud, we've all been
fooled by a lady man at one point
or another. Consider yourself lucky
it didn't go farther.
TOBY
I think she really liked me though,
and she did have a vagina. And an
asshole too. Maybe I am naive.
DR. CHAD
Let's get back to the ship. I'll
let you use my sex-bot, that'll
cheer you right up. But first...

26.
FADE TO:
INT. EERIE'S ROOM
Eerie gets up from her bed and unplugs herself from the
wall. She exits her room to find Bingham creeping in
quietly.
EERIE
What are you doing? I thought you
weren't (Eerie plays a recording of
binghams voice) "going anywhere any
time soon"
SIR BINGHAM
It seems I underestimated the level
of control I had over the local
populace. I tried to kill the king
and now they all want me dead.
When can we leave?
EERIE
I don't know, if you want to leave
so bad maybe you should have helped
when I asked.
SIR BINGHAM
I didn't want to leave then.
EERIE
So? You should have known you'd
want to. You better hope the Doctor
and Toby don't take much longer
getting those crystals.
Suddenly a bruised Chad and Toby drunkenly stumble in
holding each other upright.
EERIE
Ugh. Did you two get those crystals
or not?
DR. CHAD
Yeah, here.
Chad hands the crystals to Eerie and she quickly hurries
away to install them.
SIR BINGHAM
What happened to you guys?
TOBY
I'm just a badass, that's all,
kitty cat bitch!
Bingham looks incredulously at Chad.

27.
DR. CHAD
I kicked his ass a little but I let
him win, he's such a pussy.
Eerie rushes back in, muttering to herself angrily. She sits
down at her chair and fires up the ships engines, and then
breathes a sigh of relief. The ships start up screen appears
and message flashes on the screen.
EERIE
Hmm. That's odd, we have missed
missed message. (Then) It's from
dog bounty hunter, Domitus Rex.
SIR BINGHAM
Domitus Rex really? Put it on!
EERIE
You know him?
SIR BINGHAM
No, but he's only the most famous
canine bounty hunter in the galaxy.
I watch his show every Sunday. Put
it on already!
Eerie switches on the hologram message and Dom's face
appears.
DOM
Note

Monologue, Dom kidnapped Bingham's kittens.

SIR BINGHAM
My God, that son of a bitch is
gonna pay for that. Everyone man
their stations.
Chad runs off and Toby runs to a nearby way and straps
himself to it. Eerie remains still.
EERIE
Sir, shouldn't we make contact with
the homeworld first to make sure
those are actually your kittens?
SIR BINGHAM
That's nonsense Eerie, it would be
much quicker to just attack the dog
outpost a couple systems over and
show this Domitus character how we
respond to terrorists. I'll do it
with or without you.
Eerie walks into her room.

28.
SIR BINGHAM
Fine, Eerie, go ahead and pout! You
know nobody really needs you like
they need me! Tyler, prepare for
takeoff.
TOBY
It's Toby, and I'm not entirely fit
for this job.
SIR BINGHAM
It's easy, kid, just press the go
button, the ship'll do the rest.
Toby presses the button and the flashing red lights go off.
EERIE
(over speakers)
Warning. No autopilot detected.
The ship takes off, hitting buildings and sputtering.
FADE TO:
INT. DOG RESEARCH LAB A309
Dog scientists quietly shuffle paperwork & viles of brightly
colored liquids in a lab. Suddenly, half the room is blown
away and we see Binghams ship outside. He lands and exits
the ship destroying everything and everyone in his path in a
glorious manner.
CUT TO:
INT. CAT CAPITAL - MORNING
The Cat Ruler naps as his message machine beeps. He gets up
and yawns, stretches, then grabs a cup of coffee. He makes
his way back to the message machine lethargically and
presses the play button.
MESSAGE MACHINE
You have, seventy-two, new messages
CAT RULER
Holy cheese-nips, I'm popular
today.
MESSAGE MACHINE
First message: OH MY GOD!!! HELP!!!
SO ORANGE! SO FURRY!- Deleted.
The Cat Ruler shrugs.
MESSAGE MACHINE
Second message: AHHHHHH! HELP! US!
PLEASE!

29.
CAT RULER
Hmm.
MESSAGE MACHINE
Second message: IT HURTS! IT HURTS!
WHY WON'T YOU HELP US? BINGHAM!
BINGHAM THE SPACE CAT DID THIS!
The Cat Ruler takes a long pause and picks up his phone.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOG RESEARCH LAB A309
Bingham sits among fire and rubble exhausted. He looks up to
see Cat ships on the horizon.
SIR BINGHAM
Finally. Reinforcements. They must
be here to give me a medal of some
sort.
The intercom on the ships blare feedback.
INTERCOM
Sir Bingham, of the High Council of
Petsco. You are under arrest for
numerous accounts of war crimes and
treason. As well as defying the
will of our leader, Sniffles.
SIR BINGHAM
Sniffles is a coke-head, everybody
knows that! What is this bullshit?
INTERCOM
We will be forced to... Use force,
if you do not comply.
SIR BINGHAM
Oh, fine, I'll be out of jail in a
few days. I need some naptime
anyway.
Bingham puts his paws up as the ships land.
FADE TO:
Note

Bingham's court case. Kittens were just a bluff.

Bingham has committed war-crimes, among growing list of
other offenses. Stripped of officer status.
INT. MEOW ASTEROID PRISON
Bingham sleeps, purring. A large crash behind him, and
Bingham jumps up with a cat-screech. Eerie pilots Bingham's
ship as Bingham lands on the hood.

30.
EERIE
Get in, let's go!
BINGHAM
About time! I almost made a dog my
bitch!
Bingham's claws dig into the ship and a bubble forms around
his head, protecting him from the vacuum of space. They
blast away quickly, as Bingham looks at camera. The
prison-asteroid blows up behind.
BINGHAM
Gangsta rap made me do it.
Note

Epilogue/Bingham can do anything now!