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All Things Unspoken

Summary:
Sometimes words are just not needed at all.

All goodbyes having been said, they start walking out, but he stands up last and
walks by the slowest. He traces his fingertips lightly along the side of Andys
hospital bed, not looking at him, not sure why he is doing it, whether it is to take
a part of Andy away or leave a part of himself behind. Its only when hes finally
by the door that he hears Andys voice, barely above a whisper, call out: Stay.
He turns, unsure if he is hallucinating, but Andy is looking straight at him and
smiling. He quickly turns to the door, but all of the others are gone, nobody
waited for him, nobody bothered to wait for him, and for once, it makes him
happy. He looks back at Andy, and the latter is wearing his usual relaxed happygo-lucky grin, which would have looked more appropriate if he was lying in a
lounge chair on the beach and not in a neck brace in the hospital.
Fergus hesitates.
Come on Andy continues quietly, - Close the door.
Fergus does. Awkwardly, he shuts the door, and stands bashfully at the foot of
Andys bed, unsure of what to do with his hands. He makes a mental note to
himself to always bring a jacket to fidget with during nerve-racking moments
like this.
Fergs Andy smiles, - Come closer. I can barely see you from there, and you
know I cant really move at the moment.
Sorry Fergus takes a little step and bites his lips, allowing his colourful bangs
to fall over and hide his eyes.
Come on! What is it? Andy strains to look at him from his bed.
No, nothing Fergus responds without looking.

Its something. I know it, I can feel it. What is it?

I... think you know Fergus gives him a brief look before returning his gaze to
the white hospital linens.
Yeah, maybe Andy agrees and add quietly, - But I want to be sure.
Fergus hesitates and bites is lip again.
Im afraid he says finally. He half-expects Andy to roll his eyes and snigger
but when he shoots him a quick look, Andys facial expression has not changed
much at all, just maybe became a little more concerned.
Of what? He asks quietly.
Just... Fergus waves a hand awkwardly, struggling for words, - To... you
know... do... something... wrong.
Wrong? Andy appears to consider it, lifting his eyes to the ceiling, - I doubt
that you could do anything massively wrong. What is it that youre wanting to
do?
W-what? Fergus raises his head to look at him in a jolt.
Well, if youre afraid to do something wrong, then you must be thinking about
doing something. Its quite a logical conclusion, no?
Uhm Fergus looks down again and again lets his hair cover his eyes. Andys
tone is half-joking, but its the other, half-serious, part in it that makes Fergus
heart pound and skip a beat.
Uhm He struggles, - I dont...
Its OK Andy lowers his voice even more, - what is it that youre thinking
about?
It's... Fergus stammers and hesitates again, - I... think that you know.
Maybe the smile in Andys voice is obvious and feeling it there makes
Fergus knees go weak, - but I just want to be sure.
I... I... dont know Fergus gives him a nervous look, ready to either collapse
or bolt out of the room.
Its alright Andy whispers, - Whatever youre thinking about, just do it.

I...Im not sure Fergus looks at him, but Andy just smiles and blinks slowly at
him as if nodding. So Fergus takes two careful steps closer to him, leans over
him and lowers his face, touching his own lips to Andys; but its Andy who both
initiates and then deepens the kiss, making Fergus instinctively lean even closer.
Its a slow and deliberate kiss, intense and tender, it leaves both of them
breathless, Andys eyes glazed, Fergus moist with tears. When Fergus finally
leans away and Andy gets a clear view of his face, his relaxed, content
expression changes to a one of worry.
Fergs?
Uh Fergus steps back and blinks, - I gotta... I should go... You... better rest.
H... Have a good night.
As Fergus awkwardly backs out of the room, Andy stares at him with wide open
eyes, as if trying to stop him with telekinesis.

*******

The door squeaks quietly and Andy immediately looks over. On a bright sunny
morning, his visitor, dressed in all black, stands out even more on the white
background of the room. Andy smiles involuntarily and right away and Fergus
gives him a shy smile too, having positioned himself just by the foot of the bed.
Finally Andy says softly, - Thought youd never come visit me again.
No, I.. Fergus looks up in a protesting jolt, but noticing Andys gentle smile,
lowers his look to the ground again, - I was just... I was...
I was asking about you Andy continues, - Your brother comes over every
other day.
Uh... s-sorry Fergus struggles.
Fergs Andys voice becomes slightly more firm, - What is it?
Uh... just that Fergus stammers out, - Then.... the last time I was... here...
what.... I mean I wasnt sure.... wasnt sure what.... that.... or I mean... what you
think... you know... with the thing...

Fergs Andy sighs out such a relieved sigh that Fergus looks at him
involuntarily and cant help but smile, - Do we really need to have a long
conversation about it? I mean, we can if you want to, but frankly, Id rather... can
we just... repeat it, maybe, instead?
Fergus stands dumbstruck, staring at smiling Andy; then stammers awkwardly,
rubs his eyebrows and finally breaks into a smile. Andy just goes on smiling so
Fergus comes closer and sits at the side of the bed, Andys hand promptly
coming to rest on his thigh.
Yeah Fergus manages breathlessly, not taking his eyes off of Andys, a look
of disbelief and some kind of a manic rush painted on his face, - Yes, I suppose
that we could...

*****

And thats how its been with them, now going on to five years, one of those,
frankly, unlikely pairings. Not a word has been said even when, six months after
Andy was able to surf again, they moved in together. Snide remarks at Fergus,
questioning looks at Andy, gossip behind both of their backs waned as quickly as
it became completely mundane to see them hanging together in town, all
twenty-four hours of the day, practically glued to each other, or, on the other
hand, spending whole weekends holed up behind closed doors. Not a word has
been spoken, boyfriend having never escaped either of their lips, but through
careless caresses, inside jokes and longing stares they have painted a world that
their friends learnt to live in. And as their friends continued to make up, break
up, move on from the people they eagerly called girlfriends, Fergus and Andy
remained loyal and stable, their silent, confident looks speaking so much louder
than words ever could...

Geranium Leaf
Summary:
The few times that Andy surprises Fergus during his recovery from the accident.
The first time that Andy surprised Fergus during his period of recovery was
about a week after Victors funeral, which Andy, for obvious reasons, could not
attend.

They were alone in Andys hospital room, but they were not talking. Fergus has
not been able to visit Andy much during the past week, what with Victors
funeral and all, but the first time they got left alone they chatted non-stop until
the nurses shooed Fergus out. So this time, as Fergus sat right at the side of
Andys bed, they carried the conversation more slowly and leisurely, with long
pauses, during which they just stared right through the walls, or Fergus
surreptitiously stared at Andy from underneath his bright-coloured bangs.
During one of these long pauses, where Andy was just looking straight ahead,
and Fergus was absent-mindedly biting his fingernails, Andy made a small
motion with his arm and placed his hand on Ferguss knee. Fergus jerked
violently and probably would have shrieked had his fingers not been in his
mouth. Andy raised his eyebrows slightly.
B-but you Fergus was pointing with his widened eyes to Andys hand, you
Yes Andy either really did not understand him or was a very good actor, What is it, Fergs?
You He was eyeing Andys hand on his knee as if it were an extraterrestrial
creature, - But they said
They said I have nerve damage Andy looked him calmly in the eye, - And I
do. But it concerns my sensory nerves. I can still move my arms.
But I thought but Ive never seen you
You have. With the things that happened, you probably just didnt pay
attention. And a week ago, I was a lot weaker and more tired than I am now
His eyes were so calm and sad that Fergus slowly relaxed. Andy put his hand
back onto the covers.
D-did you feel that? Fergus asked hesitantly.
What?
The you know when your hand the
You mean could I feel the difference between the texture of your jeans and this
cotton blanket? No he shook his head and winced. Then he blinked a couple
times and put a somewhat forced smile onto his face, - But at least I can still
move them. It could have been worse. Dont you agree?
And Fergus just looked at him lost in his thoughts.

The next time happened shortly thereafter, maybe only a day or two later, when
they were alone again. Andy was slowly starting to get restless and irritated. He
said that if all he could do all day, was just sit motionless in bed with a neck
brace, he might just as well do it at home. But the doctors were of another
opinion. And though Andy was still Andy, still upbeat and gentle, he was just a
bit more snappy than usual. Fergus observed his slightly tense face whilst
playing with his keys.
Give me that Andy said suddenly, not looking at him.
What? Fergus immediately stopped fidgeting.
Your keys. Give me your keys, please.
Why?
Fergs Andys expression was so stern as he barely moved his head in
Ferguss direction, that Fergus immediately placed the keys into Andys left
hand. Andy clenched them lightly, then frowned, then used his right palm to
cover his hand, holding the keys.
W-what are you doing? Fergus finally dared, observing Andy continue to
manipulate the small pieces of metal.
Its not working Andy said frowning, then pulled away his right hand, leaving
the keys clenched in his left, - I dont have enough strength.
To do what? Fergus continued to stare at him with his wide-open eyes.
To Andy stopped himself, bit his lip, then carefully turned to Fergus, - If I
ask you to do something, will you do it?
D-Depends on what.
Just say that youll do it.
Okay Fergus stared into his serious grey-blue eyes, - Okay Ill do it.

Okay Andy gave him another long look, then reached at him with his left
hand, - Take these keys and hurt me.
W-what? Fergus swayed back into his chair as if splashed with hot water.
Relax Andy gave him a tense smile, - Im not crazy. Ive been reading some
medical stuff while you were away and it says that human receptors for pain are
different than the ones for regular touch. So I want to see if I can still feel the
pain. Fergs, please He noticed Ferguss terrified eyes, - Do it for me. Its
really important. I just need to know.
A-are you sure? Seeing that Andy has not completely lost it, Fergus began to
relax.
Yes. Now Andy shook his left hand at him.
Okay Fergus used both hands to gingerly cover Andys left, still holding the
keys, and pressed.
Andy laughed:
Fergs. Even I could clench my hand stronger than that. Come on, dont be
afraid, I am not going to cry.
Fergus pressed his hands tighter. Andys expression did not change:
More.
Fergus did.
More.
Ferguss knuckles went white.
More.
Andy, I cant
Okay thats enough.
Fergus immediately let go, then took his keys out of Andys hand and examined
it. The keys left severe red impressions on his fingers and palm. Fergus frowned
his brow but when he looked up, he found Andy smiling.
And, did you feel it?

Andy beamed:
A little.

That was it for that day, but it did not end there. When the next day Andy asked
him to prick him with a needle or a paperclip, Fergus sternly declined. No matter
how long Andy tried to explain to him that it was his body and he was free to
experiment with it, Fergus did not want to hear it and refused to give Andy
anything sharp. It was the first argument that they had, if you can even call it
that, but it left both of them tired and depressed. Fergus realized, of course, how
confused and scared Andy must have felt to see his strength but not his feelings
return as the days passed, but it was beyond Fergus to repeatedly inflict pain on
his friend.
They sat in heavy silence, pouting and gloomy.
Suddenly Andy spoke, voice barely above whisper, still not looking at Fergus, or
anything at all, as though he was thinking out loud and unaware that he was
sharing his thoughts with a friend.
Well, you have no idea He muttered, - Youve no idea what its like to
think that you can never again get to feel it when someone is holding your
hand.
Fergus lifted his head in a jolt. There were tears in Andys voice.

That was probably what changed it all for Fergus. It began as a little pseudoscience experiment that slowly turned into an elaborate project. He maintained
that he would not hurt his friend anymore, and he kept his word, but he had a
better idea. He started with the simplest.
Can you feel that its cold? He let Andys fingers slide along the side of some
long metal tube he found in his hospital room.
Andy shook his head.
Can you feel that its smooth?

Andy shook his head but with a little less certainty.

Fergus smiled slightly:
OK, now try this one He gave him a nail file.
You carry this shit around? Andy narrowed his eyes at him, smiling.
Nah, I asked one of the nurses. Said I was going to cheer you up with a
manicure.
Andy snickered.
Well, can you feel the difference? Fergus returned his attention, pointing with
his eyes to the file. Can you feel that its rougher than that tube?
I. Im not sure. Maybe a little?
Okay Fergus took away the file and gave him the tube again.
What the fuck is this for, anyway?
Probably some kind of punishment if male patients are being rude.
Punishment? Andy smiled mischievously, - Youd call it a punishment?
Ferguss cheeks started to glow bright red:
Dont get distracted. Now, your blanket.
Whats with it?
Can you tell that youre squeezing it? You cant squeeze the tube, cause its
hard, but you can squeeze the blanket. Can you feel yourself doing it?
Andy thought for a second:
I think I can feel my muscles doing it. Not sure I feel anything else. Is that how
it normally should be?
Fergus squeezed the blanket himself, then made a face:
No idea.

In about a week Andy was able to tell the difference between soft and hard
objects very well, followed by rough and smooth objects, though he still
struggled a lot with identifying what things were made of. Fergus made him play
various games, such as he would give him three objects and make him feel
them, then ask him to identify them again with his eyes closed. Sometimes he
succeeded and then he was overjoyed, but he oftentimes failed naming things
that Fergus put into his hand spontaneously.
During one of such experiments, a doctor walked in on them.
Hello, gentlem Whats going on?? His eyebrows shot up almost to the roots
of his hair.
Uh Fergus followed his look to Andys hand and felt his face heat up in an
instant. In it was a light blue pantyhose that he borrowed from his neighbours
clothesline earlier that morning, - Thats not thats not what
Silk! Andy interrupted him with a sudden shriek. He had his eyes covered
with his other hand and was seemingly unaware of the doctors intrusion, - Silk!
Thats silk, Fergs, am I right?
Whats going on? The doctor repeated.
Andy turned to him with a smile on his face. The fact that he was holding a
womans pantyhose with another male friend in the room did not seem to bother
him not one bit.
He is teaching me to feel again He said without a hint of sarcasm.
The doctor just nodded, but Fergus felt his heart start to race so much that it felt
ready to jump out of his windpipe. He is teaching me to feel again. He didnt
mean it like that of course but he is teaching me to feel again. He is teaching me
to feel again.
Meanwhile the doctor was studying both of them with a dumbstruck expression
and rubbing his chin.
Well the doctor said finally, adjusting his round eyeglasses on his nose, Well, actually this might not be such a bad idea. Theres no guarantee, of
course, that your nerves will regain their function, but you can certainly train
your brain to identify whatever the signals it is getting from your neurons with
more precision. So yeah He eyed the pantyhose again, - I guess what you
are doing might be of some help.

Andy turned to Fergus and waggled his brows. Ferguss face was tomato juice
red.

Andy was allowed to go home a couple of days later but it not only did not
hinder their experiments, but rather, allowed them to become more elaborate.
Fergus long since lost count of the number of objects that hes given to Andy. It
wasnt just Andys hands that were affected however, but his whole arms and
parts of his chest, so there were quite a few opportunities for him to make
Fergus uncomfortable. Andy joked that he would not request Fergus to put
whipped cream on his chest but Fergus only chuckled, unsure. This game would
have soon become tiresome, perhaps, but Andys limitless fantasy and huge
amount of fun he was having, sometimes appearing to play like a little boy,
made it a favourite pass-time for Fergus.
Wet cardboard? Wet cardboard, Andy, for Gods sake, how is it different from
regular cardboard?
If its not different, why are you making that face?
And where in Gods name should find you a rabbits foot, Andy? Will the
neighbours kitten suffice?
Scissors! No, no, tweezers, tweezers! Fergs, did you bring your whole manicure
set with ya again?
Uh uh. Feels like a little fence haircomb!
Nope, nope, cant feel that, go a little lower!
Andy!
Andy just laughed and laughed until he was red and in tears and Fergus just
loved him right then, his long waivy light hair, his thin lips, his wild blue-grey
eyes, and he would have climbed up a bean-stalk all the way to heaven for him
and got him a souvenir star if he wanted it.

One day, a few weeks after the accident, Fergus was going to drop by Andys
house before going to work. It was an early shift that day, so chances were high
that Andy could still be asleep, however, his back door always stood open and
his mother already thought of Fergus as her own child. He didnt care if he didnt
have time to talk to him, because even seeing him for a moment was enough to
get Fergus through a boring long day at work. It was about seven oclock and it
was a bit misty on the beach and Fergus enjoyed the breeze and the coolness of
air. On the outdoor windowsill of Andys mothers room he spied a pot of
geranium with abundant pink flowers. Tiny drops of rain sat in pure glass domes
on the fuzzy green leaves. Without thinking, he ripped off one leaf.
He made his way through a somewhat messy house to Andys room. It faced the
ocean, but of course, Andy was a free spirit, and it had a huge open window.
Fergus quietly opened the door and walked in.
Andy was laying on his back across his bed, feet hanging off the side, in his blue
water trunks and a white-and-grey t-shirt, his face, though soft and gentle,
sported a mischievous smile, even in his sleep. Watching his splayed out arms
and legs, Fergus stomped in himself the desire to just jump on top of him right
then and there, and instead, just focused on his face and wickedly stretched
perfect thin lips. Beautiful, beautiful he was, beautiful but not innocent.
You dirty bastard Fergus whispered with a smile, leaning over him, absentmindedly dragging the geranium leaf along his lower arm.
Mhmfffs Andy whined turning to him and before he could know it, clasped his
hand over Ferguss fingers.
Usually, Andy was not a very light sleeper.
Tt you wanker! Wake up, wake up! Ferguss eyes were wide, stare locked
on Andys hand. Through both of their fingers, he could see a scrunched up
green mass.
What? Andy finally opened his eyes, - Fergs? What are you
You dickweed Fergus laughed, climbing on top of him and shaking him with
his other free hand, - You little bastard, when were you going to tell me?
What? Andy sat up and tried to make a serious face, but it wasnt so easy
with Fergus basically sitting in his lap, - What are you talking about?

The leaf! The fucking geranium leaf! You felt it even in your sleep, you bastard,
when were you going to tell the doctors?
Its pretty amazing, no? Andy looked like a cat, - Are you mad?
He kicked Fergus off of himself and they laid side by side on Andys bed, fingers
still tangled over the fuzzy green culprit.

A few days later, during a follow-up visit, the doctors told Andy that although his
sensory neurons were not back to normal (some medical mumbo-jumbo about
how most people can discern two pinpricks as separate when they are two
millimeters apart, and Andy only at one centimeter Andy really didnt care to
listen that stuff all that closely), with how much sensation he was able to regain,
he would barely notice any impairment in his day-to-day life. Oh, and they also
cleared him to be surfing again. He ran home almost not touching the ground,
stopping by Ferguss house on the way, dragging him out of bed as he was
resting after an overnight shift, and taking him to the beach. On the beach, they
celebrated by splashing in the water like two little kids, chasing each other until
they were out of breath, and laughing, and laughing, and laughing.
Then they were stretched out on washed-out beach blankets, Andy on his back,
squinting against bright sunrays, Fergus on his side, staring at Andy, just like he
was some months ago, when Jesses friends took him out camping, when Andy
told him that it was okay to look. And he thought that this was a different Andy
now, not the same mysterious, unattainable Andy, Andy that he was afraid of
and that he admired, Andy that he was, just hours later, so terrified to lose, but
this Andy now was his best friend and buddy, one that he was deeply in love
with and would do anything for.
He did not notice it, how his fingertips started drawing designs on Andys bare
chest. Andy opened one eye and pointed to Fergus hand with his chin:
And whats that?
Fergus yanked his hand back as if burnt. He blinked hastily, searching for words:
Thats well you know how we well you know how the doctors said
Fergs. Today the doctors said that Im fine. That it probably wont get any
better, but that Ill be fine.

UhUh-huh. Fergus did not dare to look at him, face already going red.
So we dont need that anymore.
Fergus felt his blood go cold.
Andy turned to him:
Fergus.
Fergus continued to look at the sand, so Andy scooted up and snaked his arm
around him to lift up his head so their looks would be forced to connect.
Fergus Andy said pointedly but with a light gentle smile, - You dont need to
make excuses anymore. *We* dont need excuses anymore.
Fergus blinked a few times, repeating Andys words in his head, but he didnt
have any time to dissect them, to mull them over and to arrange them on the
shelves in his brain, because then he was suddenly not seeing anything,
because there was breeze, and sand, and sunrays everywhere and he was
swimming and drowning and flying in them, because Andy was kissing him,
Andy was kissing him and pulling him down onto his chest, running his fingers
through his jet-black hair, and he knew there and then, that it would never end,
this moment of truth, this moment of peace, this moment of love in this
paradise town called Newcastle

Three Years Later

Summary:
Exactly what the title implies.

No Mum, no! I know! Ive tried that before! I submitted the petition, the whole
long thing, then met with the advising committee, and, you know, explained to
them that all these pre-req classes are just way too easy, but they just said It
doesnt work that way! And they wouldnt let me test out of them, either!
Fergus rotated one more time around on his office chair, before jamming his foot
into the desk, - N no, I know! You are not listening, Mum! This is the only
other option I got! Taking summer classes is the only other way I can cram the
three years coursework in two!

He bent forward and listened.

Yes, thats true! But Im pretty sure that to graduate college a year sooner is far
better than to be able to come home during summer breaks, bec. Yes, Im sure
that Andy would agree. And Im not just doing this for him! Its hard on both of
us. Course, if either of us owned a car, things would have been much easier,
but Well, let me back up. If the housing office allowed me to get a double
occupancy room and let him move in, things wouldn't have been half as hard.
but they wont let him live here unless he is a student too, because the dorms
are overcrowded and blah blah blah and the rent anywhere else in the city is
downright atrocious!
He pushed a few pencils around on his desk, picked one up and started twirling
it around:
Well, thats the thing! I cant visit back home as is because of my workload and
student activities!.. Yeah Yes, it is! That scholarship money is damn right hardearned!... Yes Yes, I know it will be worse if I try to squeeze three years into
two Yes, Mum But what I was saying These days its really all on Andy if he
wants to come out and visit me, I He squeezed a pencil, - I yes, thats
exactly what I am saying, Mum! If Andy has to work in summer anyway, and, in
fact, even longer hours than in the rest of the year you know, cause of the
tourist season and all - whats the point of me coming ba. No, no I didnt mean
it like that, it stop I didnt mean that I dont care to see you guys and Jesse,
but you guys will always be there, and you can come visit me, and Yes. Yes, I
know, youve taken him along in the past, and thank you that is really nice of
you, but for us thats not enough! And if we can suffer through one less year of
that, then I am willing to do it!
He dropped the pencil onto the desk and moaned:
Mum, I dont know! Yes. Yes, I knew you were going to tell that its a big
sacrifice and that Im crazy for trying to do this whole thing just because of him,
but somehow And yes, I know, I am still very young, and two years together is
not such a long time, and yes, I am aware, that we are going in different
directions, career-wise and all that, but I.. I dont know how to tell you I just
have this feeling. I know, blah blah, the statistics say were probably going to
break up in the near future, but I I dont think so. I think this is it. I think this is
exactly what I want all that I want. And I can only hope. I can only hope that
Im right about it about him.
He nodded his head, half-heartedly acquiescing to some more of his mothers
recommendations, mumbled several other uh-huhs and yeahs before asking
her to say hi to his dad and hanging up. As he did so, he once again took a
look outside, but the rain was so heavy that he could barely see anything at all.

Water was gushing in through a half-closed window creating a puddle on the

floor under the window sill. It was a late afternoon, but it could have been night
just as well, because pregnant dark clouds and torrential rain did not allow even
an ounce of light to come through.
He eyed his phone for several more minutes, before unlocking it again and going
through the history of messages to Andy. Last that Andy responded was already
some six hours ago, so Fergus set the phone away.

In the dark of his single room, he pondered. Its not that he didnt have friends.
He did. Not so much friends, perhaps, because he barely had enough time to
really devote to any particular person, but a lot of other students knew him
because he was a member of nearly every single organization on campus. A lot
of people asked him for favours. A lot of people wanted his advice. A lot of
people needed him. A lot of guys admired him. Intelligent guys. Good-looking,
bril no, scratch that, some gorgeous, successful upper-classmen have been
trying to chat him up pretty much every chance they got and girls that
doesnt even warrant a mention.
And he?
And he put all of his eggs in one basket, as his mother would say, shaking her
head (not that he saw her they were mainly chatting on the phone these
days), but he couldve easily imagined her doing so. He put his eggs in one
basket because he was just as obsessed with a directionless blond surfer jock,
as freshmen girls were with him.
His mother was telling him that in a year or two, they would surely have nothing
to talk about. In her opinion, while Fergus was maturing emotionally and
intellectually, Andy was stuck on the level of the other jocks. Not that she didnt
like Andy she did, especially in the beginning, when, for a time, he was the
only true friend Fergus had, besides Jesse But as time went on and his mother
was starting to brag to her friends more and more about Fergus achievements,
she was also getting more and more quiet about her other son. Jesse was not
doing much mostly hanging out on the beach, doing odd car washing jobs and
feeling bored. Oftentimes, Nathan, Scotty and the rest of the crowd would drop
in and stir up some low-level mischief. Andy, in the twins mothers mind, was
just one of the crowd.
So then, what was it really about him that made him so different from all the
other lads? They were all the same with their bleached-blond hair, tanned chests

and muscular legs. They all looked equally stunning, striding those waves on
their elegant surfing boards. And its not that the rest werent gay, no, over the
years, Fergus had learnt that several of them were even if not openly so, but
it was always just Andy. Andy, Andy, Andy The first and the only person hes
kissed, the first and the only hes confessed love to

A knock came on the door and woke him up from his musings. There was no way
it could have been one of his dorm mates there was some event at the student
union and the dorms stood peaceful and quiet. Raising his brows, Fergus got up
nonetheless, walked the short distance, and opened the door.
The outdoor walkway of his motel-styled second floor dormitory was just as
flooded as the ground below. Streams of rainwater hurried down the slight
incline and the smell of fresh dirt was so overpowering that Fergus immediately
felt light-headed. Thankfully, the feeling did not last long, because a powerful
sideways gust of wind threw a generous amount of cold water right into his face,
making him wince and momentarily shut his eyes.
Andy laughed.
He stood just in front of the door, holding his sandals in one hand and something
entirely indescribable in the other. There was not a dry spot left on him, his long
blond hair made dark by the water. The rain drops were running joyfully down
his face, dripping off his nose, his chin, flooding his eyes. His t-shirt was
practically glued to his body, showing off his chiseled chest.
Fergus blinked and reached instinctively for him, as if in disbelief that he was
actually there, but when his fingers brushed lightly against Andys wet arm, he
jerked it back, as if burnt. Andy laughed again:
Staying home?
How did you get here? Fergus, having finally gathered some wits about him,
gave Andy a full once over and nodded at his sandals, - What happened?
Had a bit of a footwear malfunction Seeing that his answer did not suffice for
Fergus, Andy elaborated, - I took the train.
I gathered. But the buses stopped running at least two hours ago. How did you
get here from the station?

Andy cocked his head:

Can you guess?
They still just stood in front of the open door, the wind sending violent sprays of
rainwater inside, but Fergus seemed utterly stupefied as searched his lovers
eyes for answers:
Did you no you couldnt have it would have taken you two hours to get here
on foot!
Close. Youre right if I walked. But I ran part of the way, so it was just over an
hour, but
But Fergus eyes were searching again, distracted, darting wildly all over Andys
face, from his blue-grey eyes, always filled with carefree mischief, to his moist
lips, to his water-streaked cheeks.
Are you going to ask me, why Im here?
Yeah Fergus barely moved.
I wanted to show you something. I got it this morning. I went to check my mail
and there it was. I Hah, I guess, I got so excited about it, I just kind of went
and got on the train and but now, its kind of destroyed Andy proffered his
lover a white flaky mass.
What is it? Fergus refused to hold up his hand to receive it.
Its a blob of wet paper now, but it was Andy narrowed his eyes at him, My acceptance letter.
What? Fergus stepped back and almost tripped over the threshold before
catching himself on the door post. His eyes were going in a pendulum trajectory
between Andys hand and his eyes.
Well, you know how you said that they would not let me live here unless I also
attended college? Well, I thought of something I applied I didnt want to tell
you because I was not sure theyd even consider it since it was way past the
deadline but they did. And they gave me some scholarship money Fergus
what do you think?
But Fergus eyes, wild and wide-open, were still darting frantically between
Andys eyes and his hand. Andy frowned a little and stepped closer:

Fergus? What do you think?

But Fergus could not have described what he was thinking in that moment, even
if he tried. Bits and pieces of his conversation with his mother were blazing
through his head, his own words, jumbled and almost nonsensical, Andy with his
water-streaked cheeks, smell of wet grass and something strongly aquatic,
splashes of water into puddles at their feet, it all made such a mess of his
scattered thoughts, that Fergus was barely able to grasp at the most important.
You you came here to to tell me this? He finally managed.
Yeah! Andy seemed unperturbed by Fergus reaction, - I suppose I could
have called, but in that moment, I was you know, I dont think I was thinking, I
was just so happy, I
Is that what you want?
What?
To study here Here, at the uni?
If that would mean that we can finally live together, sure If thats what you
want
And thats what you want?
If you want to, yes. I know weve sort of talked about it, hypothetically and
all, but if you want to, we could do you want to?
Youre insane Fergus, having apparently finally appreciated the extent of this
new development, locked his dark eyes with Andys, their expression so intense,
that it was almost terrifying, as he started moving closer to him, stepping into
the rain, - Youre crazy, you know that? Because thats insane! You would go to
college just to live with me and you would take a train across half of the country
and then run through a storm just to tell me about it! Thats crazy, you know
that? That doesnt make any sense!
Do you want it?
Youre crazy youre crazy youre completely mad Fergus was sliding his
arms around Andys neck, burrowing his nose into Andys wet hair, pressing his
own wet chest into Andys, just as the sound of Andys sandals and the blob of
paper hitting the floor coincided with Andys hands coming to rest on his waist
and then sneak up under his shirt. And Fergus did not really know anymore
where he was, or what he was saying or doing, or who he was really, because at

that moment, Andy, and he, and the rain, all were one And his need for Andy,
to be close to him, to be touching him, to be breathing him and tasting his skin,
was suddenly and decidedly even greater than the merciless storm outside.
Just as soon as their desperate unrelenting embrace took at least the edge off
his desire for Andy, Fergus became vaguely aware that Andy was still whispering
the same question at him, and hearing it again, hearing Andy pose it, made his
knees go weak, and his heart fill up with euphoria. He disconnected just enough
to bring his face back to Andys and tell him yes, or rather, to kiss it into this
mouth, and to whisper it again and again between kisses, as the rain cut off
their air supply, and they stood, paralysed, with their eyes closed and faces
lifted up, drinking the rain and letting nature absorb them

Later that night, dry, and safe, and finally exhausted, they lay curled into each
other on Fergus single bed and allowed their hands and the dim light of the
moon to caress their half-naked bodies. Finally, Andy raised himself up on his
elbow, looked closely into his lovers face and asked:
Are you sure?
Fergus turned his face up to him, Andys features peaceful and soft in the dark:
Not a doubt. I want you, I want us, I want this. Not a doubt.

Magnetism
Summary:
Approximately six years later.

"Fergus? He briskly walks in and pushes the door shut behind him.
"Yeah?
"Uh... So I was thinking what if... so Nath oh shit!
Whats going on there?

N-nothing Andy hops on one foot in the hallway. See, the thing is, during the
week when Fergus is not around, Andy never wears any footwear inside or
outside. Not that it makes the sand magically disappear from the floor of their
apartment but when Fergus is not watching him leave it there, it is much
easier for Andy to distract him - and avoid getting grief after all, when Fergus
returns home in the evenings, there are far more interesting things they can do
than argue about sweeping but when Fergus *is* home, Andy has to behave.
The only problem is that he uses his sandals so rarely, that he gets out of habit
of properly undoing the latches on them which frequently leads to situations
like this.
So I was thinking..
What?
Fergus has finally come out of the bedroom and is observing him hold onto the
wall, sandal belt clasped in one hand. It is not common to see Fergus dressed in
a plain white tee and sweatpants, so Andy smiles. By the looks of it, the
weekend has finally arrived.
Nathan was asking if I wanted to go for a drink. At the Cove Andy finally
manages to pull off his footwear, - Jesse is coming.
At three in the afternoon?
Well, its a Saturday Andy sets aside his shoes and sweeps his wet blond hair
out of his eyes, - I mean I dont have to Or, I thought you might want to I
told them Id pop by and take a shower and ask if you wanted to come along?
Fergus tilts his head, eyeing him without blinking.
What? Andy brushes his unruly hair back again, - The shower is broken at
the hub so I thought Id stop by while Jesse goes to Nathans.
Oh?
Fergus narrows his eyes at him, not looking away. And thats when Andy starts
to feel it.

He could never really describe properly what it is but it feels as if suddenly there
is a string between him and Fergus, stretched so tight that he has to mind even
his own breathing. And all he can do is wait - and watch his actions it is only
Fergus wholl be calling the shots. It is both innocent and dangerous at the same

time like a twisted game of cat and mouse and it immediately assaults Andy
with a harsh wave of adrenalin.
Ferguss done it thousands of times before, of course, yet it makes it no easier
for Andy to look away.
So you stopped by to take a shower and, incidentally, tell me about your
plans?
Not exactly. I wanted to
Because had the shower not broken at the hub, you would have just called. You
know, saved yourself some trouble?
Ium Andy swallows, leaving his mouth half-open. This is not a game he can
ever win. He is the mouse. Fergus is the cat.
Or texted. You know. Once youre already at the pub. To let me know what
youre up to. Or not. *Or not.*
Andy just stares at him, barely breathing.
Fergus takes a step closer.
Is that what you were going to do?

And that. That. When he takes that step, when his dark-brown eyes are that
much closer, is, most certainly, the point of no return. If there ever was any kind
of an escape route.
See its one thing, when your lover has blue eyes. You can compare them to the
sky, the sea, whatever you want, you can just get lost in their peaceful beauty,
reading their expression easily, like a book. Or even green eyes. Green is good.
Much more difficult though green eyes are mischievous and turbulent. And
treacherous like a tropical rainforest, but with brown Brown eyes are the
hardest to read probably why they are less frequently admired. Not to say they
should not be admired not to say that at all
Fergus has dark brown eyes. Andy never really thought about their colour in the
beginning, other than registering it as another detail about his lover, but soon,
it became a much more serious issue. And not just because Fergus would stare
at him with that unreadable expression and damn, the guy could probably go
for an hour without blinking, but the way you could sometimes see his pupils

dilate and constrict, as a thought would momentarily blaze through his mind,
well that made it
Andy couldnt think of a word to describe it for a very long time. Something that
would encompass everything Fergus stare unleashed in him. Something that
would fit to a T all that Andy was feeling, when those dark, almost black eyes,
were peeling away layers of his everyday persona leaving only the very raw
core they were unyielding and unrelenting, making his knees go weak and his
heart alternate between doing somersaults and stopping completely, it was all
akin to a power, some kind of a strong gravitational force.
Magnetism.
No better word to detail those pulsating pupils, that sea of unknown, hidden so
effortlessly in the bottomless darkness, so absolutely terrifying and alluring at
the same time. Irresistible to the last ray of light, lost in the enigmatic abyss.
Magnetism.
The only way to explain why he was always the hunted, why hed always be
caught though he put up a half-hearted fight Its a force. Its a force.
Magnetism is a force and you cannot overcome it.
So.. It doesnt really matter what Fergus says next, because he has won
already, hed won long before he started the challenge, and probably even
before they met, because whoever had designed their individual frequencies to
resonate so beautifully in sync, has done it with a specific purpose to endlessly
entertain himself watching one win and the other give in, so it really doesnt
matter at all, the words are just a prologue to the story:
so you think you can stand there smelling like the ocean which I never even
get to see anymore because Im working round the clock including on
weekends and tell me that youre just going to hop in the shower and piss off
to drink beer with the guys? You really think you can do that?
And as he takes one more step closer to Andy, the smell of his aftershave and
shampoo must become far too much to bear, because Andy almost falls into him
with a weak meowing noise because, after all, if magnetism is really a force,
like most other forces in physics, it must get stronger when you bring the
objects closer together and as Fergus hands come to rest on his waist, any
rhyme or reason he'd had, vanishes without a trace.

So he doesnt actually get to take a shower until an hour and a half later.

And as he pointedly dons one of Fergus plain white tees which are always a
little bit loose on him because Fergus shoulders are a little bit broader he eyes
Fergus watch him over his laptop which he already has in his lap, looking as
industrious as ever and as innocent as apple pie
Would you believe it, they are still expecting me? Andy snorts,
demonstrating his phone, - Nathan says theyve just finished their burgers and
is asking me where I am.
Go ahead. Youll be just in time for dessert.
Cant say I didnt have one already. You sure you dont want to come with?
Nah Fergus closes his eyes and rubs his face, - Not this time. But go see
them for a few. I need at least three more hours to edit the banner but Ill be
done by the time you get back He looks at Andy over his fingers, - Though if
I were you, Id start thinking of an excuse right now. You know. To tell Nathan
why you got delayed.
If you want Andy raises his eyebrows and shrugs with a smile, - Or you
know I can just tell the truth.

Changing Colours
Summary:
Just behind real time - so about 6 and 1/2 years later.

You make it so hard for me to find you, stranger.

Fergus arm with his white shirt sleeve rolled up to the elbow, had come to rest
over his lovers shoulder, as Fergus positioned himself behind and to the side of
him on the grassy hill:
Whats going on?
Andy didnt answer immediately, just pressed Fergus hand to his chest for a
moment, but finally turned to him slightly and said:
Didnt think youd come anymore.

What, did you think I'd forget? Fergus swept his long dark hair out of his eyes
with a habitual move, - I texted you earlier.
Yeah
I told you I might be late
Yeah, Fergus, but not *this* late!
Well, it hasnt started yet He motioned with his free hand at the sky, - The
eclipse.
Andy didnt respond.
The meetingd gone on a bit too long. I mean wed been real clear about the
amount of expenses, but the guys from Sev.co
Nmgh Andy made a gesture with his hand and Fergus shut up, pressing him
closer momentarily:
Okay, Im sorry, Im sorry He removed his arm and scooted slightly away,
once again, sweeping his long hair out of his eyes, - Well, how are ya?
Exhausted.
They sat in silence.
How was your shift?
Not too bad.
Did you go to see your Mum afterwards? I think you told me you were going to
do that... how is she?
Yeah, Fergus Andy turned to him pointedly, - I did. That was *two days*
ago!
Fergus gestured, resigned:
Yeah, I
She wouldnt mind it if you came over. She isnt sure anymore, that you hadnt
fallen off the face of the Earth!

Fergus looked down and picked a slender blade of grass, twisted it a few times
around and threw it out.
You know Andy started, looking out towards the ocean, - Back when you
were in college that time when I was still living here I used to miss you so
much, it was He motioned with his hand, searching for a word, - Unbearable.
Like I couldnt find peace in anything no matter what I did, just. he
motioned again, blinking, and then, apparently, gave up, - Isnt it strange that I
am feeling like that again and now were living together?
Fergus closed his eyes and mentally shook his head. Oh, it wasnt strange it
was It was awful and amazing at the same time. Of course, he knew why Andy
felt that way, but that he did that really hurt.
Andy looked at him then and Fergus heart once again broke a little. Usually,
Andys eyes shone he had so much love, so much kindness, so much internal
energy it just emanated from and surrounded him as though he were a giant
lightbulb. It was very very - rarely, that his eyes were this dull.
Dull and sad. It was so easy to forget that Andy was just another human being,
with normal and usual human needs. He hid his emotions really well though
not by choice, one should not make that mistake but because of the way he
was open, relaxed, optimistic, honest people gravitated towards him in flocks
friends, neighbours, strangers Just about every child on the beach knew him
though less than a tenth were actually his students. And not that he was not
sincere when interacting with them he was, but they *distracted* him he had
so little time to himself, that when he did It was entirely apparent that all
these people could never give him what he needed most, and, of course, that
made Fergus feel that much more special because he could not be replaced but on the other hand
Andy Theyve been together since they were so young, theyve been
together for so long that many things did not need to be vocalized, but, of
course, that didnt make it all better, - You know that if I could
Any chance that you wont be working this weekend?
He could tell him yes, sure but Andy would see right through the lie. So he
didnt. Andy always appreciated the honesty, but it was like treating the
symptoms of the disease not the cause. All Fergus could do was make it more
tolerable not have it go completely away.
Andy nodded and turned to look back towards the ocean.
Andy, I

I know.
He knew, thats the thing. He knew. They both have known all along that it
would not be easy. Fergus had said for years that he wanted an actual career,
and Andy knew that it would be quite hard. Perhaps, not just *this* hard, with
Fergus coming home from work *hours* after sunset, but, as a young graduate,
he had much to prove. He hoped both of them hoped that it wouldnt be like
this always, but this just all went to show well that they knew. Moreover,
Fergus was absolutely sure, that Andy respected and was very proud of his
accomplishments, and had willingly taken on this somewhat supporting role, but
everything, of course, had its price

Noises and laughter had started coming from the ocean the other guys must
have gradually shifted over their way and were now having fun under full
moon. Fergus watched Andys lips move a little, but he made no motion to get
up. He never worried about it well, he was certain, - that there was some small
part of Andy that probably wished that he could act like just one of the guys
hell, Fergus himself did that too, at times, but on the other hand that thing
over there, Jesse and Nathan chasing wildly after the girls theyd just met that
stage of their lives could only last for so long, and, of course, something like a
show or a movie would have ended right there, and not moved on to the part
where the happily-ever-after couple had a routine conversation about errands
and work but to stay in that moment forever it was not only unlikely, but
downright impossible, as all things tended to run their course. So no, neither of
them *really* wanted to be back there with them, and Fergus could feel that all
Andy wished for was that things werent always this hard.
Andy The less secure one of the two, Fergus just wanted to be sure, as
always, because he was hurting equally as much and if they did inevitably
have to be feeling this way, it would be so much easier if it was all open and
shared.
Andy looked at him, still somewhat sad, but in his tired eyes, Fergus read his
response. But we will get through this? He was silently asking and Andys
eyes told him, certain, - Of course.
Fergus smiled hesitantly at him, and just then, a loud female shriek followed by
laughter, reached them from the vast expanse of the ocean. Both of them
chuckled.
Hey, who is that girl, anyway? Fergus asked.
The one your brother was with? Andy motioned.

Yeah. I went to ask him where you were when I just arrived here, and it took
him two minutes to stop licking her face and respond.
Oh Andy laughed, - Actually, I have no idea! He told me her name, but I
already forgot. It was kind of embarrassing, cause I did get to talk to her for
awhile tonight.
Your memory is horrendous, Andy.
Or maybe my brain cells just refuse extra work! You know, shell be gone in a
week, and therell be another. I have a hard time keeping track of your brothers
girls!
Well, thats true. Although the way they were sucking face, youd think that
was rather
No Andy shook his head, then smiled at him.
Fergus narrowed his eyes:
We were never this bad were we?
We Andy looked up, as if trying very hard to remember, but for the first
time that night, the trademark cat smile had finally graced his face with its
presence and Fergus heart filled up with glee - because of the way Andys face
transformed to once again radiate pure love and devotion - that made him so
undeniably beautiful that Fergus had a difficult time looking away, - Well, not in
public Andy decided finally, - But in private we were much worse!
*Were*?!?
Fergus looked at him so theatrically offended, with eyes opened so unnaturally
wide that Andy had to dissolve in half-silent laughter, not taking his mischievous
eyes off his lovers face. They gazed at each other for a quite bit, before Fergus
dimmed his smile just enough to make sure Andy realized how serious he was
momentarily going to be. Then he offered softly:
I still have it really bad for you, you know
Andy agreed with his eyes alone, mirroring his facial expression, then reached
over and took his hand, and, placing it over his own heart, mouthed voicelessly:
Always.

And just like that, the ocean floor was proved once again safe and certain - even
enormous waves could not rock the boat. And its true - there were and would be
many fast moving currents, but none stood a chance with this sturdy ship.
Well, whens it gonna start? Leaving one hand in Andys, Fergus pointed with
the other one to the moon.
I dont know- Andy lay down on the grass, pulling his lover with him, and
finally bothered to actually look up at the sky, - I think its turning orange
already.
Thats not orange, thats yellow Fergus put his free arm under his head.
Looks orange to me
Kinda yellow
Orange.
Okay, its orange Fergus scooted closer to touch him, - If thats what you
want...
They had their fingers entwined until the moon turned blood red.

Seven Years Later

Summary:
Exactly what the title implies.

... and then when we were returning, he was still drunk and still insisted on
driving, of course, well, and the road was so bumpy that I guess he got motion
sickness and threw up all over the wheel and Nathan was like oh shit!
And then what?
No, no, look! Is that your car?
What? Andy finally follows Jesses stare, - Oh. Yeah, thats Fergus.

Shit!
Andy turns to him again:
What?
Well, I am not packed!
It finally dawns on Andy:
Damnand my stuffs in the!
Can you handle him?
Jesse looks back to the road behind the sandy beach again and observes Fergus
pointedly proceeding towards them.
Im gonna bring you your stuff! Which bag is yours? The red one?
Fuck! I totally forgot the yeah, the red one Jesse, I
Ill be quick! Handle him! Ill be one moment!
And Andy just watches Jesse dash off towards their surfing hub a mile away.
Then he turns back to look at Fergus. And he just waits for it.
Wheres he?? Fergus, in his white shirt, black tie, black slacks and shiny
black shoes looks decidedly out of place on the beach. He comes up to Andy
without a greeting and his tightly pressed lips give away his mood clearly
enough for Andy not to even try to mess with it.
Packing we uh kinda lost track of time
I saw you guys were just here standing around yapping!
I was the uhm Andy finally just lifts up his hands.
Okay, I left work early because of this! What the hell?
Hell be one moment.
Can we just go? You know, we will get stuck in traffic if we dont leave in five!
Can he not go with Nathan?
Nates already got five plus the stuff

Fuck! Fergus places his hand on the back of his neck and rubs violently. Its
one of those weeks at work, when his shirt collars have blood stains on them.
Andy doesnt say anything. Andy knows what to do by now. He knows that
remaining silent is the best strategy.
When Jesse finally arrives with their bags, and hands Andy his, Andy doesnt
even ask if he had found his sunglasses on the bench just outside the hub.
Fergus nods at Jesse, clenches his teeth, and leads them to the car.
Its a black Audi, just as slick as Fergus attire, its spotless with that brand new
car smell, just a bit tinted with the smell of Fergus cologne, which is natural,
given that Fergus has owned it for almost a year.
Jesse places the bags carefully into the back seat before climbing in himself.
Fergus just watches him, unblinking. Andy, having placed his own bag onto the
seat from the other side, is about to walk around to the front passenger seat,
when Fergus stops him:
Again?
Huh? Andy immediately turns around with that innocent surprise written all
over his face.
Where are your shoes?
I didnt bring them
Youre leaving sand in my car! God, Andy, how many times do I have to
Fergus jerks his hand to his neck again and digs his fingers in so forcefully that
Andy winces and makes a tiny motion to turn away. He whispers:
I forgot, Im sorry.
Jesse just observes the whole scene in silence.
They finally all get in the car and get out onto the main road. As Fergus
predicted, they get horrendous traffic.
They sit in silence, just listening to the radio. Fergus keeps changing the stations
until finally giving up and shoving his own cd into the player and its one of
Mobys soft electronics and he finally gives out a long rugged breath.
Its like this always. The thing is, Fergus works over sixty hours a week. They can
do that to him because hes on a salary and they know he wants a promotion.

Hell get a promotion of course, but its a matter of principle. To show that he
really deserved it. To get the project finished in time. And finished perfectly.
Fergus is a big fan of that. Thats why sand in his car is a problem.
But its different for the other lads, of course. Jesse and Andy, and Nate and Luke
and the rest of the lot of them, beach boys who work as surfing instructors
(Andy and Luke) fast food restaurant servers (Jesse and Nate) or just knock
around bumming smokes off tourists and such (thatd be Scotty and Nick and
whoever else theyve got in their crowd at the moment). They spend their time
on the beach, wearing nothing but swim trunks, enjoying the sun and the ocean.
They have the luxury of those naturally gorgeous looks. Of getting paid for
sipping soda and chatting. And Andy can easily get away with his pathological
aversion to footwear.
They have no ambitions. Andy has never had any and Jesse had lost what he
had after he lost that surfing competition for the third time. So granted, he held
onto his high hopes for a little while at least. But he relaxed remarkably after he
gave up. Fergus, on the other hand, has turned into a career shark. He landed a
prestigious job right out of college and suddenly, the pressure was on. He likes
it, the job and the challenge, but it gets to him, sometimes The times that
Andy bites his lip trying to get blood stains off Fergus collars.
Andy is a weird creature. When it comes to Jesse and Nate, its simple. There are
things they are good at like surfing and selling and weaseling their way out of
problems with the police and there are things they suck at simply because
they dont have the brains for them. What? Neither of the two has ever gone to
college, and lets face it, its very obvious in their spelling and the paucity of
conversation topics. But Andy is a whole different story.
Andy is intelligent just like Fergus, he is sophisticated and well-rounded
almost amazingly so because, although he has only had 2 years of college
education, there are several things he understands on a nearly expert level. His
knowledge of physics could probably win him a Nobel prize one day if he ever
cared to apply it. But unlike Fergus, he is surprisingly bad at many routine
activities. Its like he really cant do things that bore him. Like sweeping the
floor. Like dusting. Like sorting through and getting rid of old junk. Like
answering emails and returning phone calls. But not dishes or laundry
surprisingly, he likes both, so both are always done and very well so. Those are
the things that make Fergus sigh out well, at least when he comes home at
night.
And then, there are the bills. Oh, Andy does make enough money to pay them.
He just cant remember to do it on time. He can make a note on their kitchen
calendar and look at it every single morning while he eats, and he will still forget
to do it. Always. So he simply gives the cash his surfing students pay him in, to

Fergus to deposit into their joint account and then pay all of their bills. They had
already joined nearly all of their accounts, but theres always something, almost
every month that makes Fergus go like: Whaaat?? and Andy to shrug his
shoulders with an apologetic smile. Finances bore him and he hates them. And
he knows that he is making Fergus deal with this on top of all of his work. But
theres nothing he can do about it. Maybe he hopes that handling Fergus shirts
would somehow make up for the situation.
They still manage to get to the camp before Nate and his folks (surprise,
surprise, Fergus screeches as he (who else?) deals with validating their camp
site rental and bothers to acquire shower tokens for the whole crowd). He finally
parks his Audi in a designated spot, steps outside and stretches.
Its already dark and its a Friday night and spending it in a tent is not on top of
Fergus wish list. Or to be more precise, he hates even the thought of it. But
Jesse does this stuff at least once every summer. Hed found this camp back in
09, so quite awhile ago, really, back when for Fergus, there was the thrill of
going there with the cool guys (when they were still the cool guys for him,
not Jesses loser friends that they are now) and with Andy; then, as the years
passed, it became more of a going with Andy until finally turning into what it is
now dragging along because without him they do not have enough cars to
transport the whole crowd and their stuff and well because Andy is going and
Andy is, after all
What is Andy, really? They say, love fades after two years. Well, they passed
that milestone, laughing. But now? Seven years is the mark beyond which the
friendship will last a lifetime. Theyve known each other for seven years, exactly.
Seven years since Fergus family moved to the Newcastle beach and Jesse (and
eventually Fergus) met the whole crowd. Is this another one of those times
where Fergus should really think whether this thing is actually working?
Its fucking cold He mumbles watching Andy swiftly set up their tent. Even
Jesse is watching him Andys that quick and skillful.
You could make some tea theres thatoh Andys whole body freezes and
Fergus notices Jesse freeze as well.
What? But he knows the answer already. He knows Andy *that well*.
I Its hard but damn, Ferguss gonna make him say it. Just to make him say
it, just cause he can, - I may have forgotten the the gas cooker.
And theres that. How? The thing is, they are so different, you see. Andy and
Jesse wont forget the booze but they can forget the gas cooker. Betcha they
didnt forget the surfing boards and swim trunks now, did they?

What am I doing here? Fergus hisses, walking away from them towards the
open field.
He stops, pauses, then sits down, raising his head to look at the stars. He sits
like that for awhile, not thinking. And then, suddenly, he remembers that one
night, the night he knew he had it head-over-heels for Andy and that it was
there to stay; and, slowly, he smiles. They didnt have all those issues back
then. It was just Andy with his fascinating brain, sweet disposition, limitless
imagination and that special way with caressing touches that transcended all
boundaries and reservations. He never did change now, did he? Its that Fergus
didnt realize this other side to Andy that made him who he is. But then again,
since that very day on that hill with the stars and their little experience, Andy
has been by his side invariably, through Fergus awkward and bumpy
blossoming into an extremely ambitious, driven young man, through his hard
work to get highest honors in college, through his on-going battle with stressinduced hypoglycemia, and, especially lately, through his strenuous quest for
promotion at work. And the thing is, Fergus is not like Andy. Fergus is not like
Andy at all.
During all this time that Andy was standing by him without questions, Fergus
has been doubting, worrying neurotically, testing him and, sometimes, pushing
him away. He doesnt have Andys happy-go-lucky attitude and his consistent
optimism; instead he is prone to mood swings and depression. Thered been a
number of times hed come home well into the night, tripping over Andys surf
stuff on the floor and cursing, expecting Andy, for once, to at least turn away
towards his own side of the bed - or worse to be gone from it entirely, hell,
there were days he hoped Andy would, because that would make him less of a
saint but no, Andy never did. Never. Not once. Instead, he always woke up as if
sensing his lovers presence and every time, silently, opened his arms. And
Fergus could be standing around pouting or pacing incessantly to let off some
steam, or leisurely taking a shower just for the hell of annoying Andy, but damn,
every time Andy was still there, awake and waiting, and every time Fergus came
to him and climbed into his arms, every time. And every time, falling asleep
secure in Andys embrace, he wondered to himself how could he ever allow his
thoughts to spiral and whether he could really fathom to live with anything
different, whether he could survive it, if things were different, at all
When he stands up and walks back over to the tent, it dawns on him that he
must have been sitting there for quite a long time because Jesses, Nates and
other tents are set up, but the lads and their girls are nowhere in sight and their
camping spot is all quiet. He knows that they must have just gone in for a swim,
but that they left him well, that stings a little. He deserves it, of course, and he
knows it, what with how hes been treating all of them lately, especially Andy for
the last couple of weeks, yeah, he really did need a bit of a time out.

Suddenly, a rustle comes from his tent, and Andy, changed into a dark long
sleeve shirt and grey khaki shorts, climbs out of it, tossing a paperback aside.
By the way he wipes his shirt sleeve over his eyes, Fergus guesses that he must
have fallen asleep reading.
You were you didnt go with them? Fergus asks gently, barely above a
whisper, when Andy finally looks him in the eye.
Nah you werent here and I well, I didnt want to cause I havent even
asked you how your day went yet and I just really havent seen you much this
week I guess
Hes so soft and sleepy and Fergus suddenly thinks that damn, its Friday and
giving surf lessons must be exhausting too. And right now, all Fergus wants is to
get out of his work clothes.
I gotta change he says and attempts to climb into their tent when Andy
stops him:
Wait. The put on a sweater and long pants if you brought them Because
the the thing is
You forgot the blankets as well?
Andy looks down and bows his head, but Fergus just smiles, bringing his hand up
to touch Andys cheek. No, hell never be like me Fergus thinks, - And thank
goodness for that. Aloud, he says, grabbing his lovers hands, pulling him
closer, and placing them on his own waist:
Good. Im glad that you did. It will be a nice excuse to rely on the heat of our
bodies tonight.
And the way Andy smiles, with that soft, yet mischievous and excited smile, as
he tilts his head leaning in for a kiss, that makes it all right, all fine and all worth
it, and they are not perfect, they never will be, but be it seven years, or ten, or a
hundred, theyll be right where they are, right where they should and want to
be, in any corner of the world - but always in each others arms.

The Year's End

Summary:
New Year's Eve - real time.

By the time Fergus made it out onto the road, the days hours had turned to
twilight. He was very riled up. It was hardly surprising, perhaps, that he had to
work on New Years Eve, but that he had to work till this hour, was, even to him,
highly unnerving. The road, thank god, was hardly congested, and so he had a
bit of a luxury to go over the speed limit and fume. But as he reached his
destination and parked the car in his usual spot, the shakes of anger had already
been transformed to the tremours of anticipation.
He just couldnt help it.
It was a bit of a walk to Andys Mums house from the spot where Fergus usually
parked, and he traversed it with an idiotic smile on his face wishing his heart to
*please stop beating at that frantic speed*. There was no reason at all to be
*that* excited to be celebrating New Year with his boyfriend of five years but
he would never lie about it he was. He was thrilled to see him on any other day
just as well but the New Year, with its new resolutions, its wishes, its promises
and its toasts was always a special occasion.
The front door stood unlocked. He entered without rapping and slung off his suit
jacket, tossing it onto the hook:
Andy? My god, its hot in here!.. Andy?
Typical cooking noises guided him as he followed the trail of light through the
unlit corridor into the kitchen. There, Andys Hollywood smile greeted him as his
boyfriend turned around, taking off a hotplate glove. He was wearing an apron,
just like his mother hers was a flowery one, his, blue-and-white, striped. Fergus
also couldnt help but smile. They looked incredibly cosy in that cute tiny
kitchen. Fergus stopped just at the entrance:
I see the preparations for the festivities are already under way! Is there
anything left for me to do?
Were just about done, actually! Andy beamed, - My Mum and I make a
pretty good team!
His mother poked him into the ribs with her elbow and said something in Polish,
smiling and nodding. Andy laughed.
Ferguss eyes darted from mother to son, as he produced an exaggeratedly
offended tone:
Oh, stop that, you two! I hate when youre having secrets!

Andy laughed again and explained:

Oh, she just said, that you had maybe signed up for one housewife at best, but
instead, you got two!
Andys mother laughed as well as she walked up to Fergus and raised her arms.
He bent down and she gave him a kiss on the cheek:
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
Work was okay?
Just the usual.
She turned around:
Alright, will you keep your eyes on that pot, please, Andrzej? Im going to the
livingroom to cool down. Its getting a bit hot in here, you boys might want to
open the window.
With that she winked at her son, removing a kitchen towel that she still had on
her shoulder, and, smiling at Fergus once again, proceeded into the depths of
the house.
Fergus followed her with his gaze, then turned to Andy, gesturing:
Your mother is just
a very tactful and understanding person
For sure
like most Polish people.
Fergus laughed:
Subtle way to give yourself a compliment.
Im only half-Polish.
The bigger half.

Both laughed. Fergus continued to gaze at him, still standing there at the
entrance to the kitchen, his sun-bleached hair, his bronzed face, cheeks red
from the heat, and his shining kind eyes, forgettable and typical blue-grey colour
on any other individual perhaps, but absolutely mesmerizing on him, with those
warm overheard lights reflecting in them like amber fire. Andy tilted his head:
Why are you looking at me like that?
S-sorry Fergus hid his face, which was also starting to sport some pinkish
hue, in his hand, - Its just that you look awfully adorable in that apron
Yeah? Andy crossed the short two metres between them, - You want me to
wear it later tonight?
NI Fergus got caught in Andys embrace and his reason failed him, - Uh
Ill think about it.
Andy was kissing him and his head swam a little. For several seconds, there was
nothing but that. When Andy finally pulled away, both of their faces were halflidded and red.
Uh are you sure your mother expects you to be making out with me in the
kitchen instead of watching the pot?
Frankly Andy cocked his head, - Im pretty sure she hopes I will do both.
Hopes even?
Uh-hm Andy let go off him and walked over to open the window, then
proceeded to lift the lid off the pot, - And have youwhoahfmh! Hot steam
hit him in the face and he quickly covered it, - Have you stopped by your
parents?
Nah Fergus shook his head, - Didnt want to spoil the mood...
Andy pressed his lips, nodding.
Well call them later tonight. I did text my brother though.
So did I.
Im pretty sure hes already wasted.
He is! Theyve been drinking since morning.

My goodness Fergus shook his head, raising his brows, - How can he keep it
up till midnight?
You underestimate the power of energy drinks.
Yeah! And thats considering didnt your Mum tell us that New Year is a much
bigger deal in Europe than it is here?
Something like that. I read somewhere that out of all nations in the world,
Australians get the most sleep on New Year.
Very boring.
Well, Andy took a step closer to him, - You and I dont have to sleep at all, if
you dont want to
Andy! Fergus yelped with a laugh, finding his boyfriends hands on his waist,
- Watch the pot!
I am watching it there was no stopping Andy, but Fergus could hardly
blame him, because he felt exactly the same.
And you got the champagne?
Mrrah- Andy made a feline sound, - All ready.
And youve thought of a wish you are going to make whilst the clock is striking
twelve?
A wish? Andy made big eyes, stepping away, - I wouldnt know what to wish
for! Im pretty sure I already have everything that I want... More, even!
Yeah, but Andy, its a tradition! You *have to* make a wish!
I have to? He narrowed his eyes, - Alright, then I will. And Ill tell it to you
later tonight
No, youre not supposed to tell anyone! Or it will not come true!
Oh, it will Andy purred, again stepping closer, - If youll be so kind to grant
it, that is
Wh ough! Fergus choked on a laugh, and then was silenced again, because
the streetlights outside, the burning fire of the stove in a cute vintage kitchen
and the warm lights in Andys half-lidded eyes had all come to mix and mould

into a crazy concoction that was tender like a warm summer breeze, and yet
bold and festive like blazing fireworks on a night when all wishes were made to
come true

**************************************************************Happy New Year!

**********************************************************************

Sweet Little Nothings

Summary:
Approximately seven and 1/4th years later.

Hey!
Jesse turned:
What the hell are you doing here?
Wheres Andy?
Hes working He nodded at the ocean in the distance. The reflections of
sunrays have coated it with a bright festive gloss. Jesse repeated:
So, what do you need?
Nothing Fergus chuckled with a somewhat bitter smile. Jesse always took a
bit too long to warm up. Course with over two decades of knowing each other, it
would have been strange if Fergus had not been accustomed to it already, but
that hardly made starting a conversation with his twin any more pleasant, - I
got a bit too sick of staring at the white walls. So I thought Id drive over and
have lunch with Andy and with you as it happens.
"You drove all the way from your office?"
"Yes, I did."
Well, too bad, hes busy Jesse cut off without looking.
Okay. Are you free?

Jesse seemed to ponder it for awhile, his gorgeous aquamarine eyes no less
morose and annoyed, but be fore he had a chance to say anything, he watched
Fergus sprout that sheepish smile on his face as he stared unblinking towards
the ocean and as Jesse turned to follow his brothers stare, he had barely half-asecond to step aside as Andy flew by him with an audible whoosh, waves of
cold droplets flying in every direction, and threw himself on Fergus with such
force that both would have surely toppled over right there on fine, tawny sand,
had Fergus not taken a precautionary step back in anticipation of this assault,
and as such, hed merely wrapped his arms around Andys body, crispy white
sleeves getting instantly wet.
Jesse shook his head.
The hell are you doing here?! Andy repeated his friends question almost
verbatim but his intonation was nothing like Jesses. He had finally pulled away
enough to evaluate the damage his wet body had done to Ferguss white shirt
and black vest and if normally he would have apologized even profusely by
god, did Fergus get mad if Andy placed damp clothes in the laundry basket at
home the smile that Fergus presented and Andy mirrored well, but of
course made that fine detail ever so small and irrelevant, - We were just by
the when I saw your car, I couldn't belie how come you I mean Why
didnt you tell me wait, did I forget was I supposed to?
Jesse kept looking between the two, eyes open big. Fergus was just smiling at
Andy with the same soft genuine smile that finally made the latter shut up and
when he did, he also just stared at Fergus, still ruffled and a bit out of breath.
A boy of about seven interrupted the silent scene, pushing his way between
Jesse and Andy, coming to stand so close to the latter, that Andys hand had to
automatically land on the childs shoulder.
Oh Andy looked at the boy with a slightly embarrassed smile, caught so
obviously off-guard that his face was all pure surprise - at being brought back to
reality, no doubt, - This is Christian, my student. Chris, say hi to my boyfriend.
Hi, Andys boyfriend the child looked at Fergus with such demure mistrust
that Fergus had to laugh out loud causing Andy to start smiling again.
Im Fergus Fergus proffered his hand, which the boy took and gave it a tiny
light squeeze, - Youre ready to show off some skills?
Im not very good yet the child hesitated.
Oh, thats alright. Youre probably better than me.

Thats probably true Andy nodded emphatically at his student and received a
playful jab from his boyfriend, - So, you taking a break?
Well, Ive been promising you for awhile
Ah, thats so
Ive been trying to reach you Fergus gestured, - But that was obviously
useless.
His father Andy pointed to Christian, - Had asked to meet an hour later. So I
had already taken my lunch break, but if I knew
Oh, thats alright
I am so sorry
His eyes just burned, locked on Fergus, so Fergus had to give him another one
of his thats alright smiles as he turned to Jesse instead:
Well, heres to hoping that my brother is free.
Jesse started:
I
He is! Andy slapped him on the arm, effectively shutting him up and offered,
- You can have my food, I dont care.
Actually, I
Andy turned to Fergus again:
What did you bring? Not that Giorgios pasta?
Fergus chuckled:
You know me too well.
Andy laughed:
No, *you* know *me* too well! Well, thats a shame, but hey, you like that stuff,
Jesse He turned to his friend again, - Weve had that before, its with that
white spicy sauce, kinda like

I know what that is, Andy, its like your favourite meal!
Great, well, thats settled then He turned to Fergus again, - I am so sorry,
Fergs, I
Not at all. You know, I dont think Ive ever seen one of your lessons, and
considering Ive been recently thinking of improving my skills in water sports, I
should like to know if I might want to hire you as my coach
Andys cheeks momentarily flushed red, but before he had a chance to say
anything, Fergus bent down to the child:
So, little man, ready to show what your teacher is worth?
The boy smiled a luminous innocent smile, turned and darted towards the
ocean. Andy, covering his face with his hand and laughing, took off after him.
Fergus watched them.
Cute little kid He turned to Jesse, who had thrown a relatively dry towel on
the sand and sat on it. Fergus positioned himself next to his brother, - Andy has
told me a bit about him, but weve never met.
Chris is one of Andy favourites Jesse grunted, - Kinda reminds me of you
when you were his age.
Why? Fergus took the food out of the bags, - I was never that
Pudgy? No, you were thin as a stick!
So were you!
You were thinner!
Fergus buried his face in his hands and laughed:
If you want.
Nah, I meant, hes kinda... shy. Andys working on that.
Yeah, he did that too. With me, I mean.
They looked at each other.
Thats really

You dont have to

Both chuckled.
You dont have to sit here with me if you dont want Fergus proceeded
quietly, - I mean, if you really have better things to do.
I dont Jesse blurted and bit his lip, - Free food never hurts.
Fergus handed him a box:
Dig in.
They sat in silence for a few moments.
Took me awhile to find you guys.
Yeah Jesse nodded, - We had to come out a ways. Too many people just by
the hub. Christian is a bit unsteady on the board still so Andys being
protective.
As always. And you, are you working today?
I Jesse gestured but did not speak, and then just frowned and took a bite
instead. Fergus nodded and also returned to his food.
What is this stuff anyway? Jesse pointed with his fork into his box, - Is that
like sausage?
Oh Fergus laughed, - Forgot about that. Thats polish kielbasa. Andys Mum
had apparently dropped off a whole bunch in our fridge over the weekend along
with some jars of jam, but I didnt discover it there until last night when I was
cleaning out the fridge. I dont think Andy knows, I mean we were both working
on Saturday - and Sunday well, we were with you guys, you know that I dont
think theres anything special about it, but Andy and his Mum are crazy about
this stuff. She buys like kilos whenever she finds it at the European Deli. So I
took some with me to work and then when I dropped by Giorgios just now, I
asked them to put it in Andys pasta. What, is that bad?
No, it goes really well with it just Jesse motioned.
Its a little weird, I know. But normally Andys really easy to cook for. I could
never compete with his Mum, thats a given, but he never complains. Hell eat
anything. Hes got it much worse with me.

Why?
I have some blood sugar problems. I have to watch what I eat and like how
much of each stuff It seems complicated to me, but Andys got his system for
counting all the grams of sugar and protein and... stuff like that
*He* does that for you?
Yeah. I dont have the timeWell, and hes good at maths what?
Wait, so you cook his food and he cooks yours? Jesse raised his eyebrows.
Yes, generally Yeah, I guess so Ive never thought about it, but yeah, I
guess thats how it usually is
Jesse chuckled and shook his head:
And then the one time you actually make it out here and bring him his favourite
food, he has to be busy.
Well, thats just life. But its nothing. Its such a small thing when you look at
the big picture.
Jesse shook his head again, picking at his food.
How is it with you, really? Fergus asked cautiously, barely daring to look.
Fucked up. Its like Mum and Dad really cant make up their mind. When Scotty
got locked up, they threw me out. Now that I got me a place, they want me to
move back in.
What do you think?
Im fucking sick of it all! I barely make the rent money cause I can only get so
many shifts at the diner. But to move back in with them that would be living
hell! Theyll fucking suffocate me and probably like dig through my room again! I
dont know living with Nick and Nate is okay, but its kind of like I dont know,
they are my friends, but sometimes they just annoy the hell out of me, loud all
the time, laughing about the dumbest shit, kind of like he motioned, - I
dont fucking know.
A moment passed, then Fergus said:
I know what thats like.

Jesse turned to him, then turned away.

I havent felt this way in awhile. But when I was growing up, thats how I felt. All
the time. All these people are there, and you can hang out with them and talk
with them, but they dont really know you and not just because they dont
want to, but somehow they are incapable of it and just sometimes its like you
want to put your head through the window because you feel so isolated and
sick. And then all these trivial things pile up on top of this all and annoy you
Jesse didnt respond and Fergus nodded, continuing:
I could be wrong. I mean Im only your brother. But if I had to guess and the
worst part is that even if I knew how you felt, I wouldnt be sure that I would be
able to help you
Both were silent until Jesse asked:
Well, what did you do to you know, back then?
I dont know. I used to talk to Victor's grandad - remember the guy? And then...
Later, I talked to Andy, probably. I think that probably helped.
What - you suggest that I should do the same?
Sure. Talk to someone. Anyone. You can definitely talk to Andy - hes your best
friend.
Hes yours by definition.
I think thats alright. I think we can share that.
Jesse grunted.
Although Fergus continued, - You have to admit, I got a much better deal.
Oh my god Jesse howled theatrically, jumping up to his feet, - No details,
please, mate.
Fergus laughed cleaning up the boxes. He stood up and put his hand over his
eyes, then waved. In the distance, two figures, one tall, one short, started
towards him. Fergus turned to Jesse again, his face soft, his brown eyes serious.
I want you to know He said looking straight at his brother, who clearly did
not have it in him to look his twin in the eye, - Even if you dont consider me
your best friend, or even your friend at all, or whatever you want I will always

be there for you. Both of us will be. We are your family and that will never
change. So whenever you are ready, you can come to us. Either one of us.
Whenever you want.
Jesse did not respond, just continued looking down.
In a moment, Andy and his student had reached them, bringing noise, energy,
and fresh sunshine with them.
You did great, mate! Fergus offered the child high five.
Were you watching? The boy jumped up to reach his hand, - Did you see
when like, when like that big wave came and I was like I almost fell, but then I
didnt and it like went under me like like whoosh!
Whats up mate, how was the food? Andy touched Jesse, who was still
looking down, on the arm. Jesse nodded.
Well, I gotta go, you guys. I have plenty of work and I still have to drive back.
Fergus ruffled the childs hair Nice meeting you, mate!
Christian beamed:
Will you come watch me again?
Fergus smiled and nodded, then squeezed Jesses shoulder:
Ill see you later?
Jesse nodded, without looking:
Thanks for the food.
Fergus turned and grabbed Andy into a hug, once again rewetting his work shirt,
which had by then all dried up:
Ill see you home then. Please dont stay out late.
I wont - Andy whispered, even as Fergus started on his way back to the
parking lot.
All three were quiet for a moment.
Hes so cool! The child proclaimed suddenly, then looked up at Andy, - Can
he go surfing with us?

One day Andy nodded, - Lets get you dried off. Wheres your towel?
Ill get it!
When the child was gone, Andy turned to Jesse, still standing taciturn and
demure:
You okay?
Yeah Jesse snapped out of it suddenly and ran his hand through his hair, Nah, its just He tried gesturing, but gave up and turned to look at Andy
instead, and what he saw in his eyes made him sigh out, - We should hang out
more N-no I mean like just like the three of us. You know? Only us three.
Yeah, sure Andy nodded gently, touching his friend on the shoulder, - Well
always be happy to. Our doors always open. Whenever you want.

Eight Years Later

Summary:
Exactly what the title implies.

"And her name is Melissa?

"No, Alissa. Alissa. Andy, have you even been listening? Melinda is her older
sister the one that I had a one-night stand with A mo no, two months ago.
Right, sorry. Just trying to keep the story straight.
Jesse looks at him folded in the armchair, with his usual cat-like smile that is just
so Andy, and he wants to get irritated at him but he cant. The sun falls on
Andys clear, sun-tanned face and plays in his mischievous blue-grey eyes. His
hair, which seems to be sun-bleached all year round, is lush and wavy and even
longer than before. Hes wearing a navy hoodie over some kind of a dark top,
and khaki shorts. Hes barefoot, like always.
Jesse doesnt come to visit their place all that often, preferring to meet them in
town or at parties. They have always been open to visitors and people spending
the night on the couch, but nobody ever has. Jesse wouldnt want to admit it,
but it might be the fact that they are sharing a room, that they are sharing a

bed, that still irks some of their friends. It always surprised him just how little
their place looked like it belonged to young people. If you didnt know who lived
here, you really couldnt tell, well, except for the fact, that there are no females.
It is on the bottom floor of a small townhouse half-way between the city center
and the ocean shore, where Andy now works as a surfing instructor. It is
relatively clean, much cleaner than Jesses, Nicks and Nates house, and it
houses several pieces of mismatched furniture, some that has probably come
from Andys place and his neighbours, some that Jesse vaguely recognizes as
belonging to his own parents and grandfather. There is nothing extra in the
space, no posters, wall hangings, or other decorations, save for some line lights
that they had hung on the ceiling above their bed (to emulate stars or
something like that, he remembers) but the way the sun had unquestioningly
claimed this apartment with its scuffed up hardwood floors and yellowish-beige
wall paint, made it incredibly cosy and welcoming
Well, go on Andy prompts him and smiles.
Jesse had come to him for advice. In situations like this, when asking Nate or
Nick would have resulted in dirty jokes and laughter; and coming to his mother
in long, dragged out conversations, he always came to Andy. Andy never judged,
never mocked, never made contemptuous remarks, never scoffed and never,
ever, made him feel stupid for asking. No matter what the subject matter was.
When is my brother going to be here?
Andy doesnt even bother to check the time:
Any minute now.
Fergus is working as an assistant to the creativity director at a very prominent
advertisement firm. It is a big accomplishment for somebody so young, and he
makes some very good money. Out of all of them, he was the only one to have
actually graduated from college (Andy had gone there for two years, with the
only apparent reason of spending more time with Fergus, seeing how he
dropped out right after Fergus graduated, and neither Jesse, nor Nate ever even
applied). He moved up in ranks a couple times, already within the first year, and
is now very comfortable and mostly enjoys his work. So, he is really doing quite
well. Jesse doesnt really allow himself to dwell much on those things, because it
is still a bit of a love-and-hate between him and his brother, except for now it is
more like a love-and-envy, and he really does try to keep it on the love spectrum
of things seeing how his brother had managed to put their checkered past well
behind him
So the thing is now that Scotty is finally out, he is going to need a place to
live and you know, Nate and Nick have been at the house much longer than

me and most of the furniture is theirs, so you know, Scottys parents really
dont want anything to do with him anymore, so I thought I mean, I thought, it
might be a good time to move out and let him stay in my room
Its got to be very tough for him.
He is just happy to be free Jesse looks at him and Andy just nods. No, Andy
was there of course, through both of Scottys year-long trips to the local jail, but
then again, Andy is sitting in a cozy armchair with vintage upholstery in a sundrenched little flat that does not have beer bottles laying around so it cant be
the same thing for him that it is for Jesse.
Well, and Jesse continues, - I found this room for rent, that is quite neat
and I thought of you know asking Alissa if she might be interested in
What about Melinda?
What?
No, the the other one. Im sorry Andy raises his hands apologetically, - I
thought you were dating Melinda.
I was! Earlier! God, Andy, that was like a whole year ago! We broke up, then
there was Katie, then we got back together for like a month, but then then I
started dating Alissa.
Her sister?
Yes, not Katies, Melindas sister, yes.
Uh-huh and then?
Well, nothing. I mean, there were things, like that one night stand with Melinda
after I started seeing her sister and that one night that I
A slam of the door and rustling noises that come from the hall interrupt him. He
watches Andy immediately lose track of the story as his whole face lights up:
Hold on, Ill warn him that you are over.
But he doesnt really get a chance to, because Fergus, dressed in sleek black
slacks, crispy white shirt and a skinny black tie, proceeds straight into the living
room and is somewhat startled by Jesses presence. Jesse is in his direct line of
sight right away so he immediately halts and gets that wary look on face that he
sports every time he is met with something unexpected. Physically, he has not

changed too much either since that fateful summer in 2008. His hair is still dark,
though more even and without extra colours, and still in a long haircut
(ostensibly, because he likes it that way, but actually, because Andy loves it), he
is taller and broader and he has not painted his nails in years. But some things
never change, such as the way he momentarily bites his lower lip and visibly
tenses up. His hand automatically goes to the back of Andys armchair where it
is eagerly met with Andys two as Andy leans back and looks up at him, and as
their eyes meet and Andy smiles at him, Fergus relaxes before turning back to
his brother. And Jesse knows, he knows it for sure, that Fergus is very happy to
see him, always, even if he doesnt show it. Course he, Fergus, does not have a
problem with showing affection, not anymore, not after Andy, with his constant
checking-up-on-you looks, constant guiding and constant caressing, had rubbed
off on Fergus so much over time, that the latter had started doing the same
without noticing it, but it is still hard for Jesse, and both of them know, so they
dont. They nod at each other, say hey and thats that.
I brought beer, you guys, I think its still cold Fergus shows Jesse a case, but
then again he is looking at Andy, who is beaming up at him from his chair, - Let
me just go get changed.
No Andy holds onto his sleeve, - Just take off your tie and throw on some
jeans. Keep that shirt on I like it the kind of look that the two give each
other at the end of that phrase makes Jesse blush and he looks away, feeling his
heart race a little. And thats after seven years of being a couple. He mentally
shakes his head. He finds it incredibly strange, but not as strange as the fact
that when the two of them go out to parties or clubbing (and they do still go out,
even if less than their other friends), they always end up spending more time
talking to each other than to other people.
Jesse never really understood just how their whole story unraveled, back in the
day, because it was so clear from the very first time these two saw each other,
that there was a connection. He could have thought, perhaps, that either or both
of them were uncomfortable with not being straight, but that wasnt the truth
Fergus proclaimed he was into boys one day when he was barely eleven, and
Andy well, Andy has never said anything, or dated anyone, he was always
saying that his relationship with his surfboard was more than enough until
Fergus. But even then, they were just friends for over a year, that being
Andys wish, who was older. And Fergus was happy to wait, as it seemed, but he
was more than elated when Andy finally yielded to their thing, which was far too
imminent to resist.
So Jesse watches Andy watch Fergus disappear into their bedroom before he
turns back to his visitor with a smile slightly brighter than before. And he
probably wants to present an appearance of being ready to listen again, but his
cheeks are flushed under the bronze of his tan and Jesse just chuckles,

prompting Andy to laugh, understanding. So they dont talk, just each crack a
beer instead.
Hmmghh Jesse hears Fergus grunt in the kitchen, where he must have
walked over to directly from the bedroom, - Im sort of hungry, do you guys
want anything?
Andy looks over at Jesse and Jesse shakes his head in ano. He then calls out to
the kitchen:
Just finish that protigurt, its in the blue lid Tupperware.
No Fergus moans exasperatedly and its nothing too dramatic, just a
genuinely exhausted moan.
Otherwise it will go bad. I was planning to make some fresh in the morning.
Fergus grunts again, in apparent acquiescence.
Whats that? Jesse mouthes to Andy after the latter turns around again.
Andy gestures with his hands:
Half-greek, half-regular yogurt with a protein bar crushed and mixed into it.
Jesse makes a face:
Sounds nasty.
It is Andy nods, face becoming more serious, - But for some reason it really
helps him control his hypoglycemia. It looks like we have finally gotten the upper
hand on that thing. Hes only fainted once in the past half-a-year he pauses
and Jesse watches his face go through a momentary expression of pain before it
relaxes into a smile again, - But since we discovered this stuff levels out his
blood sugar for hours, he has it almost every day for breakfast, and sometimes
takes it to work. There are days we even eat it for dinner.
You eat that shit too?
Of course Andy shrugs, - Im not going to let him suffer alone.
Jesse looks at him.

I believe right now you are violating all sorts of patient privacy laws! Fergus
calls out suddenly from the kitchen, his voice somewhat muffled by the noises of
whatever he is doing.
Andys whole body immediately turns in that direction:
He is family, Im allowed!
Hes my brother, Andy, siblings are not included in the definition of immediate
family! Fergus pokes his face back into the living room, - Its parents,
children and spouses only!
The kind of face he makes as he says those few words before disappearing into
the kitchen again make Jesses mouth automatically form into a What whilst
his eyes open so wide that Andy laughs out as he sees his expression.
No, no He waves his hand around, blue-grey eyes all but sparkling with joy, We are still waiting until next July, like we planned although sometimes I
wish his wistful musings are interrupted as Fergus comes out from the
kitchen with a white cereal bowl, crosses Andys armchair and positions himself
on its arm, leaning with his left elbow onto the back, and he is all ready to
transfer the bowl to his left hand and start eating, but not before he gazes for a
good couple of seconds into Andys eyes as Andy momentarily leans his head
against his arm and smiles, before both, as if on cue, turn their full attention to
Jesse.
But Jesse is far too engrossed in his thoughts to notice this move. He came to
them thinking about his girlfriend and whether it was a good time to ask her to
move in with him, but now he is looking at his brother and his best friend and his
thoughts are in a completely different place. He mentally chuckles at Ferguss
choice of seat he himself was sitting on the end of a three-seat couch and
Fergus really could have sat next to him, there was plenty of room, but quite
clearly, he was feeling a lot more comfortable all but sitting in Andys lap. And
he thinks of the way these two are always inseparable, literally, as if they are
attracted by a gravitational force. No matter where they are or who they are
with, they always have to be standing, sitting, walking or swimming next to each
other, and if someone accidentally gets in between, they will immediately move
to resume status quo, and it is so obviously unconscious, so obviously
mechanical, that Jesse cannot help but smile every time he notices. He thinks of
the time he poked his head into their bedroom and was surprised once again.
Given the size of the room, which could have easily accommodated a queen or
even bigger-sized bed, it would have seemed strange that they chose to keep
their narrow college-years double bed, seeing how both were tall broadshouldered men, but that was only if you didnt realize that the whole point of
having it for these two was that they had no way to fit without touching. He

wonders, as he looks on at them, perched in that old sixties chair, if they notice
how they lean their heads towards each other, and how, though their eyes and
their ears are now all on him, their bodies demonstrate an almost palpable
connection.
So Fergus says, shoving another spoonful of nasty white stuff into his mouth,
- How is it going with you and Alissa?
Oh, you remembered Jesse gives him a faint smile. The upside of having
fewer opportunities to talk to Fergus than he does to Andy is that Fergus has a
much better memory, - Well thats sort of exactly I kind of I already told
Andy some stuff
You can repeat, he wont mind.
Jesse looks from Fergus to Andy and Andy doesnt even nod, just continues
looking at him with his cat-like smile and Jesse thinks of the millions of times,
especially in the earlier years, when both Fergus and Andy were asked a
question, Andy would always be the one to answer, hell, sometimes he
answered questions directed only at Fergus, and Fergus never nodded or even
looked at him, just stood by with a nonplussed calm demeanour as though he
were a ventriloquist speaking through his dummy. And they never corrected
each other, never, probably because there was never any need to correct. And
they neither fussed nor talked over each other, as if they could feel exactly what
the other one is about to say or do.
Something like this Jesse thinks, watching Fergus give one last lick to his
spoon just as Andy reaches into a box on a small table by the side of the chair
and, without looking, holds up a tissue in his right hand. Fergus takes it also
without looking, wipes off his mouth, crumbles it up and puts it into his nowempty bowl which he then places into Andys still extended hand and Andy, just
as silently, transfers it onto the table. Jesse chuckles to himself, turning around,
and hell, just as he guessed, the tiny TV that he remembers belonging to his
uncle, is in direct line of the armchair.
Its not that important he quips, observing how Fergus now-free left hand
has made its way onto Andys shoulder whilst Andys right hand found its home
spooned into Ferguss palm, - Hows your job?
And he notes, how, though he did not address his question to either of them in
particular, Andy gives Fergus a tiny sideways look, that is so full of pride that
Fergus cheeks get immediately flushed as he begins to talk, and Jesse almost
laughs, sipping his beer.

When he finally leaves, it is well into the night, and it is entirely dark outside,
cicadas out on their usual routine. Andy offers him a ride, but it is not that far,
and Jesse is happy to walk. He is almost scared to admit to himself how sweet
he finds it, as he turns around to give them one last final wave, only to find that
Andy, who has not yet even closed the door all the way, is already turning to
Fergus with this peculiar gleam in his eyes, that is so raw and feverish as to be
considered downright obscene if caught in public. Jesse snickers to himself, just
letting them be. He thinks about it. He didnt get to do what he came here to do.
He didnt get to ask them for advice on a very particular matter. But the thing is,
he didnt end up needing to. They gave him the answer already. Only they didnt
speak it, they showed it.

It Gets Better
Summary:
Approximately eight years later.

The ticking sound of his watch, obnoxiously loud in what is otherwise almost
deafening silence of his small apartment, finally becomes too much, and he gets
up, eyeing the place in a momentary confusion, then saunters aimlessly to the
living room window and pulls back the curtain. Early morning hours of a chilly
April night do not welcome him with open arms, but instead, present him with a
calm dark landscape. Living in a city, albeit close to the ocean, does not allow
for seeing any celestial bodies in the sky save for the moon that is, he really
has to drive out there to the wilderness to admire the tremendous space of the
universe, which he enjoys doing very much, though he does not have too many
opportunities to experience it as often as he would like thats why he would
agree that watching yellow street lights out of his living room window would
have to be the next best thing well, for now.
He sighs.
He feels sufficiently alert and his headache has passed, yet he feels unexplained
anxiety and unease. Hes felt it before, too, and hes begun to wonder if this
incessant stress at work had permanently damaged his psyche to the point that
he would not be able to enjoy a small vacation even if he tried that the
necessity to stay busy and make the most of his time had been so deeply
etched into his character that there was no mental remoulding that could ever
be done. And even now, in the wee hours of the beginning of a long weekend

in the dimly lit living room of his apartment - his own place, his home and his
fortress he feels as strung out and on the edge as ever.
They say, it gets better.

They used to say that to him when he was a youngster too well, not really they
saying they would imply that there were several people who would have
cared to talk to him much more encourage him what, at that time, simply
wasnt the case. He was an odd kid, there was no denying that his health
problems meant he stayed home a lot alone whilst his twin brother was
playing on the streets with his friends and hed learnt to deal with it as well as
he could. He was going through library books were talking serious grown-up
kinds of stuff the way his peers were devouring comics and he could hold a
serious, intelligent conversation well before he was fourteen well, if someone
cared to look past his awkward stuttering and painful shyness but the lack of
peer interaction had made him unmistakably socially inept. He lived in his own
fantasy world, where his imagination had a free reign, and he did not have to
butt heads with other people.
It may have been fine, really, and he may have grown into some kind of quiet
computer nerd, were it not for his twin brother. By the time they were in their
teens, Jesse started hating even sharing a last name with him. He was ashamed
of him and everything Fergus did, made it worse. It was not bad enough that
Fergus was too weak for most sports no, he also had to be gay and harbor a
passion for darkness. Anything and everything that could be so ill-fitting for a
brother of an up-and-coming surf star Fergus was all that well, in Jesses
mind.
Victor was another thing. Fergus never exhibited enough of an opposition to him
for Victor to take any notice. Jesse did so Victor directed most of his animosity
towards the older twin - Fergus was more of an mild annoyance. And at times
Fergus could swear that he saw something close to pity in his older halfbrothers eyes. But just momentarily then it was gone. And of course, Victor
would not stoop so low to voice it.
With his parents emotionally out of the picture, with a chaotic, undisciplined and
uncontrolled crowd of barely post-pubescent teenagers at school, there were
few places Fergus could let his emotions safely out to play. He kept a diary that
was a given - he was nice to neighbours even a basic hello, how are you?
was sometimes enough to put a smile on his face days when encounters like
this were the only ones to make him smile and well, there was music of course

 there were songs he could write, there was his fantasy world, video games,
movies, and yet
There were days he felt so lonely, it was unbearable. His fragile, damaged soul
had walled itself off from the rest of the world so entirely, that dismantling all
the defences was an almost impossible task. Sometimes it hurt more to be
shunned than to be bullied. The looks that other kids normal, garden-variety
Australian kids gave him, made him feel weird and out-of-place.
He contemplated suicide, of course well, that was *almost* a given for kids like
himself, the dark, emo kids, kids that made a big deal out of depression. He
felt somewhat validated by identifying with the type it made him feel slightly
more normal, but not normal enough to find any enjoyment in life. At times he
thought that he was consciously seeking out depression that it had become
such a usual way of life that embracing anything else would have been like a
primary school drama play fake, awkward and utterly embarrassing.
And then there was that whole business with cutting. He didnt even think of it,
till he read about it somewhere on the internet forum he tried it then once
didnt work or he thought it didnt work because he didnt feel any better or
worse - and when he tried to do it again with a bit more resolve this time
around he got caught by Jesse and the look his brother gave him upon seeing
him like that well, that stemmed the idea before it could have turned into
something much uglier and damn, Fergus was thankful for that because
quietly hating himself was far better than being branded a nutcase.

So those were the issues back then. Back when Victors grandfather would tell
him that it got better with time. Fergus liked him he was a well-known town
drunk, a jolly old guy with a penchant for drawn-out heartfelt talks when his
mind was not too clouded by liquor. He liked Fergus harboured no hard feelings
against his mother and even considered him family. He would look at him,
pursing his lips under bushy white mustache and say it in a low raspy voice: Oh
thats alright, kid, it gets better. It will get better with time, you just wait.
Course, at the time it didnt seem so. Now, Fergus could look back at his sixteenyear-old self and want to slap that boy across the face because for Gods sake,
what did it matter? What did it matter what those other kids thought? Just the
fact that his interests and ideas were so alien to them should have alerted him
early on, that he was not an ordinary person, that he was something more, that
he really *was* something else
But at the time at the time, it didnt seem like that at all. Days turned into
weeks, into months, and things were not getting better. And then Victors

grandfather died was found in a ditch curled up like a dog and by God, that
hurt so much that Fergus felt he could also just close his eyes and never wake
up the face of the old man telling him it gets better seeming phony and
mocking, and now, with one less person talk to, Fergus would come up to the
window in his room and whisper to God, or to the moon, or to the street lights,
which were hiding the stars, hed whisper bitterly, hed beg them desperately,
hed beseech them with fervor, to tell him why the world was so unfair.
But a small glimmer of hope remained, that if the old drunk had such faith in
those words to take them with him to his grave, there must have been some
truth in them.
And then came Andy.
The whole thing just sneaked up on Fergus, real slow and tentative at first, and
then floored him and sucked him in like a whirlwind. Oh, it was nothing smooth
not for someone like Fergus but not even his worries that he could be
someones charity case - could help him disentangle himself from the web that
this garden-variety jock had carelessly and perhaps, unknowingly, trapped him
in. And who knows what it was at first Andy would never admit it and let him
Fergus would not care to pry, but one thing both were certain of: at some point
it was too late at some point it was too much far too much to even step back
and examine it both were in over their heads, and for better or worse, there
was just no other choice but to hold on with both hands and steer the boat
they were far too offshore to jump out.
That was not all, however.
It sure as hell helped having somebody like Andy watching his back sometimes
literally making sure that he didnt fall, but even Andy was in no position to
fight with his demons though the layout of his steadfast support was a much
safer ground for Fergus to finally find his voice. And Andy aided with that as
well, actually, Fergus distinctly remembered one day when they were still in
their half-friendship half-god-knows-what stage, sitting on the bed in Andys
bedroom, when Andy asked him: Well, what does it matter what the rest of the
world thinks? Fergus lowered his eyes: I dont know - then lifted them up
again to search Andys with hesitation, - Well, I would care like like what
like what youd think And Andy shrugged that very special kind of shrug
the kind that Fergus saw him give his mother countless times when she asked
him if hed mind to pick up some milk from the grocery store or something a
shrug that in Andys language meant only one thing Well, isnt it obvious?
Isnt it obvious?
His nineteen-year old self in college would - just a short time later - agree.

Well, that was then.

Fergus chuckles to himself. The truth is there is no truth. And Victors
grandfather was also no prophet. Nothing is certain in life. Nobody is guaranteed
to meet somebody like Andy. Nobody is guaranteed to go from an ugly duckling
to swan but the very least one can do the very least one owes to himself is
to hope. To never ever give up that hope, even when things get hard.
Because just as life sets out traps, it can also shower with goodness.
He takes a deep breath and smiles to himself, before finally closing the curtain
and making his way back into the bedroom. He doesnt turn on the light as the
awakening sun is attempting to prod at him with its curious rays, and he sits on
the bed in their tentative glow.
But he barely has a moment to appreciate the peaceful view.
Whahmpf? Andy rolls over almost instantaneously and reaches blindly at him
with his hand, which Fergus catches in both of his own and strokes. Andy
whimpers a little more, covering his eyes with his other arm, before bringing it
down and blinking hastily at Fergus: - Is it time to get up?
We gotta go in about forty-five Fergus nods at him gently, failing to hold in a
smile at his messy hair and innocent sleepy eyes. Andy smiles too and squeezes
his hand, - Sorry if I woke you up just now, I didnt mean to, you can sleep a
little more
No, no, its okay Andy interrupts him immediately and squeezes his hand
once again with a tired sigh, - I dont like to rush anyway youre already
dressed?
Couldnt sleep Fergus explains, watching him prop himself up on the pillow, I might have just as well not gone to sleep at all sorry if I disturbed you with
all the twisting and turning
Andy does his famous shrug and hes awake enough for that gentle, enthralled
little gleam, to start glowing in his blue-grey eyes. Hes slightly pale and
obviously tired, but his joy at being with Fergus just shines right through him
its truly amazing.
But if it helps - I already loaded the suitcases into the car and packed up some
breakfast food too. The coffee is brewed we can have it now, or I can pour it

into a thermos so His eyes connect with Andys and he slowly loses track
of his thought, - So you can take your time getting ready
Andy smiles his unashamed, carefree smile, that is about a million times
brighter than the sun rays now intruding into their bedroom, disentangles one of
his hands out of Fergus, and instead, reaches it around his neck, beckoning him
closer:
What did I ever do to deserve someone like you making me breakfast?
Oh - not just that Fergus lets himself be pulled in, jokingly raising his index
finger, - Marrying you too in just a few months.
Oh, thats right Andy agrees in a whisper, tilting his head and closing his
eyes, - This just gets better and better

Days
Summary:
Approximately eight and a half to nine years later.

On the first day, he decides that he will handle it just fine.

When he gets home from work, he barely wastes any time grabbing a bowl of
sunflower seeds a taste for them hed acquired from his mother and climbs
with it right onto the bed, fetching his laptop. Fergus would have never let him
eat those things anywhere near their bedroom, but now that Fergus wasnt
there, it didnt really matter anymore, did it? He polishes the whole bowl in
under an hour.
He plays his favourite racing video games with the lads through an online
connection also something he would never otherwise do simply because
normally, he wouldnt have time, but he lets himself get engrossed in the virtual
contest for over three hours, coming to only when his eyes start hurting, and his
eyelids get sweaty. Outside, its all dark, and in the apartment, quiet.
He gets up off the bed quietly, like a mouse, and proceeds slowly and cautiously
to close the curtains. Its never this quiet inside and it startles him a bit, so he

turns on the telly to play to an empty room, whilst he goes to the kitchen to
make himself some tea. He almost never drinks tea outside his mothers house
he used to earlier, all the time: his mother was, after all, a true European, but
Fergus was a coffee person, so at their house, they mostly drank coffee. Andy
didnt mind it, of course.
He lingers around the house aimlessly for another few minutes, wastes a bit
more time on the internet before going in to the shower. Inside the washroom he
notices with sadness, that when hed changed the towels earlier that morning,
hed put in four, per his habit, though he only had to set out two Fergus was
not there to use his.
When he finally gets into bed, he is faced with an immediate problem. It seems
foolish to him to stay on his side when he now has the whole bed to himself, but
when he moves into the middle, his head lands right in between the pillows and
thats not comfortable at all. He grabs his own pillow and scoots the other one to
the side and attempts to fill in the whole bed space with his body, but its
awkward and he begins twisting and turning. It becomes further apparent to
him, that he couldnt have slept on that mattress for over two years and never
noticed how awfully hard and unyielding it was, and yet, he never did. He almost
hisses in frustration, before morphing into a ball on his own side and kicking off
the covers completely.

Next couple of days are fine, because he doesnt have to care about washing the
dishes or sweeping away the never-ending sand on the floor. He still has a bit of
a trouble sleeping but he tries not to mind it.
Five days later, he finds bits of sunflower seed shells on the bed and has to
shake out the linens, deciding that Fergus did have a point in not wanting those
things near his place of sleep.
Six days later, he goes grocery shopping after work and buys Fergus favourite
yogurt without even thinking about it. When he discovers it in the bag later at
home, he presses his lips and shakes his head. Later that night, he eats one.
Seven days later, he tries to sleep on the couch. He has a hard time staying
asleep and has a nightmare, waking up gasping, livingroom furniture made into
unusual shapes by the dark. He curses, turns the light on, and lays with his eyes
closed for the rest of the night.
The next day he has off, and it rains. He gets that initial jolt of delight, because
if Fergus doesnt have to work and its raining outside, it can only mean one
thing, but is quickly let down by the reminder that Fergus is not there. He walks

around the house aimlessly, eats another one of Fergus yogurts, and calls
Fergus brother. Jesse is too hungover to come over, but agrees to play video
games online. In light of the circumstances, it seems like a fair solution.
Later that night, he cant find the t-shirt he usually sleeps in, so he goes to the
dresser to get a new one. And just so, entirely involuntarily, his hand moves to
the other side of the drawer and grabs one of Fergus t-shirts instead. He dons it.
He stacks both pillows and sleeps in the middle of the bed.
Next morning, he again borrows another one of Fergus t-shirts to wear.

Nine days later he stays after work to hang out with the lads. By nine oclock, he
gets up, out of habit. Jesse looks at him with surprise: What are you Ah,
yeah Andy nods and sits back down, but he has lost track of the
conversation and stays maybe only for an extra-half hour, before heading home
on foot. At home, he puts on the kettle and reaches for the tea box, but thinks
about it and makes some decaf coffee instead.
That night, he sleeps entirely on Fergus side of the bed. That night, he manages
to get the most sleep of all nights.
Eleven days later, he cleans out the whole apartment, including the obnoxious
sand, and sits in the unlit kitchen, looking through the window. He tries playing
video games later, but finds himself losing even to Scotty.

Two weeks later, he goes to his mothers house for a few days.
She does well in distracting him. She stuffs him silly with good home-made food
and puts a very old Polish movie on an ancient VCR, just like the old times. The
tape even crackles a bit and the image distorts once in awhile. He lays on the
couch with his laptop on his stomach and tries very hard to pay attention.
At some point, he realises shed been telling him something, because suddenly,
she stops, and then says in English:
Why dont you go to sleep?
He looks at her, bewildered, then motions vaguely at his laptop.
Even if you refresh your inbox every five seconds, it will not change anything.
Go to sleep.

She understands him, of course, but she knows she cant help him. Theres only
so much a mother can do.

He goes into his old bedroom and smiles. His mother has always kept it exactly
the same, though he hasnt really stayed there in years since he and Fergus got
their own place right after college But a few odd times since then, both he and
Fergus did happen to have stayed the night. Like when they were too tired to
drive back. Or when they didnt feel like making breakfast themselves in the
morning. Or when Fergus was so sick that Andy drove him to his mothers house
to feel safer - because she was a nurse then, they stayed for almost a week
and a half, because soon all three were ill with the flu. Or when they were taking
Andys Mum to a matinee the next day. Or when they just needed a bit of
change. Because whats an old childhood room, once in awhile, you know?
Suddenly, Andy remembers when they were just kids, Fergus still in his punkgothic stage, both of them laying across the bed in complete darkness, Fergus
just staring at the ceiling and unexpectedly breaking the silence by saying out of
the blue: When I get my own place, Im going to hang up some line lights above
the bed, to be you know. like the stars?! Andy snickered then goodnaturedly and bit his tongue, almost having said: Yeah, thatd be nice! They
werent quite there yet at that point. Or were they?
Sixteen days later, he is back at his own place after work. He spends almost an
hour repairing the cord and fixing the line lights that have gotten loose
perhaps due to disuse then turns them on and lays on the bed, staring up at
them. He falls asleep and dreams of being with Fergus.
Eighteen days later, Jesse loses to him in video games almost five times in a
row, and Andy gives his laptop screen a crooked smile. Jesse can be a damned
terrific friend sometimes.
Twenty days later he finally bothers to do laundry again and realises that the
basket is full of Fergus clothes.

Three weeks later, he runs into Jesse on the beach. Or rather, Jesse runs into
him, accidentally. Andy is sitting on the edge of the dock and Jesse, apparently,
recognises him from afar, and walks over to greet him.
What are you doing here? Jesse asks.

Andy looks around, but theres nothing in the surrounding darkness to use as his
reason.
Didnt you text me that you were going to your Mums? I mean, Nathan was
asking
Andy stares at him with a blank expression, then manages:
Did I?
They look at each other in silence for a good minute, and Andy finally gestures:
Sorry. S-sorry, I think I may have gotten distracted.
Jesse nods and they are silent again, until Andy resignedly adds:
Its probably ridiculous, but I just cant I cant function without him.
That night he lays on Ferguss side of the bed again, looks at the line lights, and
doesnt sleep at all. Just dreams, lucidly.

And twenty three days later is the last day. He is so fidgety and jittery in the
morning on the beach, that Scotty rolls his eyes, Nathan laughs, and only Jesse
offers to take over his work shift and almost forcibly sends him home. Andy
knocks about straightening out the place, looking at the clock every few
minutes. Finally, he gets in the car and tries very hard not to speed.
When he gets there, he just waits. An hour, two hours go by. Normally, hed be
annoyed, probably, but this time, he is hardly disturbed. He waits patiently for
the goddamn billboard to refresh.
And then its announced, instead. He jumps up. Waits a little again. When people
start coming out, he doesnt even blink.
When he sees Fergus, his heart does a backflip and he almost runs, only his
nerves have long since gotten the better of him, and his legs shake a little, as he
walks at a very brisk pace. Fergus finally notices him as well and begins walking
faster too, weak smile stretching on an exhausted pale face. And seeing that
smile gives Andy the strength to finally run.
He almost crashes into him, barely stopping himself to just grab him into a hug
instead, Fergus dropping the handle of his luggage right there on the floor and
ghosting his hands gingerly on Andys waist. Andys all beside himself, however,

burying his face into Fergus neck, indifferent and oblivious to what the other
airport guests might be thinking. Fergus presses a couple of light kisses into
Andys hair and then whispers a sigh into his ear:
Please, take me home.
Andy then releases him just as briskly, wipes off his face and grabs for Fergus
luggage. He almost runs to the car, Fergus barely keeping pace.
Only at the car he truly appreciates the extent of his partners exhaustion,
when, after they finish loading the suitcases into the trunk, Fergus immediately
flops into the passenger seat. He is always the one to drive when its the two of
them something Andy not only forgives him for, but secretly loves but just
then, Andy happily takes over the wheel.
On the way home, they make a bit of a talk just a courtesy thing from Fergus
that Andy neither requests nor requires:
Cant believe Im finally here
So how was it?
Awful. Im never flying through India again! I cant believe I had to sit in that
airport for almost six hours, and all - why? Because I was late to the boarding
call by some twenty minutes! Im going to murder whoever had booked my
flight! Its like - you *have to* be a complete idiot for our company to hire you as
an admin! Ugh sorry He waives his hand, - Sorry that you had to wait its
like on top of it, the last plane *had* to be delayed as well! Oh god I am so
tired. sorry
Its like the last of his strength goes out of him in that one tirade, and he slumps
into his seat, face almost ashen. Andy wants so much to press his foot into the
gas and fly over the freeway right through the cloudy sky, but instead, only nods
and mumbles:
Thats alright.
Fergus closes his eyes and remains quiet for the rest of the trip.

When they get home, Andy unloads the suitcases faster than the speed of light
before Fergus even makes it over the threshold - and after he does, Fergus
stops, and with as much of a smile as he can master, beckons Andy with his

hand. Andy comes over and Fergus leans into him, putting his face into the
crook of his neck:
I could fall asleep right here.
Andy chuckles quietly, thinking of all the twenty-two nights he struggled to sleep
on that goddamned awful hard mattress, all the twenty-two nights he had
nothing but an emailed goodnight from his lover, all the twenty-two nights he
had to do with only imagining his warmth. And he wants to tell him all about it,
really, and to maybe complain a little was his schedule really so busy not to
email just a wee bit more often? after all, negotiating deals with some high-end
clients in Europe is nothing like being left in Newcastle alone - and to maybe
even beg him to never ever ever! - even think of being gone for that long
but aloud, he asks:
Are you hungry?
Nah Fergus meows and slowly disconnects, - Im just going to hop in the
shower. Will you make me some tea?
Tea? Andy thinks to himself with a smile, putting on the kettle. He fetches
Fergus sleepwear and draws the curtains closed in the bedroom.
After some twenty minutes, however, and with his hair all wet and sticking in
every direction, Fergus has long since forgotten about the kettle, he walks into
the bedroom, swaying, and falls on the bed onto his back. Andy follows and
stops next to him like a puppy.
My neck hurts so bad Fergus moans, pulling onto the covers. Andy fixes
them, and Fergus catches his hand, giving it a light squeeze.
Just before leaving the room to let him rest, Andy considers it. And once again,
remembers all the twenty-two nights.
Then he slips out of his cargo shorts and his hoodie, and slides under the covers
as well. With a very habitual move, he moulds himself into Fergus side, placing
his head on Fergus bicep, snaking his arm across his chest, tangling their legs,
and, finally, sighs. Fergus puts his own hand gingerly over Andys and whispers
softly:
Thank you
And its only some seven oclock, and its not even dark outside, and the kettle
is standing still warm in the kitchen, and Andy doesnt even want to sleep, not
at all, but just then, he also realises, that theres nothing wrong with the

mattress, and in fact, he feels so comfortable and safe, that he falls asleep
within mere minutes, his chest starting to rise and fall in unison with his
partners. And that night, they dont have to dream about being with each other
because that night they, finally, are.

Nine Years Later

Summary:
Exactly what the title implies.

"Love breeds more love. Isnt it right, Andrzej?"

She stretched her hand across the table and Andy shrugged his shoulders a little
with a somewhat sheepish smile, but took it eagerly nevertheless, and smiled,
looking directly into her eyes. Then both of them turned to Fergus.
It would have seemed odd to a stranger on-looker, perhaps, but this thing, the
three of them sitting around a small round table in a neat quiet kitchen in Andys
Mums house, was quite a common and frequent occurrence. Each of them,
Andy and Fergus, owned a key to her house, which stood unlocked when she
was home anyway, and neither ever needed an invitation to just show up. Andy
did it all the time, of course he was still working fairly close but Fergus had
done it a few times also a couple of them without Andy and it never not for
a moment - felt weird.

Love breeds love.

Fergus could say almost for certain that he didnt really know what love was
until he met Andy. In his own childhood, he saw little love. His parents got on
well as a team in fact, they seemed more like a couple of coworkers, than a
married couple, because their interactions were ever so businesslike and devoid
of emotion. They served out their parenting duty to the full, providing food,
clothing and education to both of the twins, but neither took any genuine
interest in them. The family dinners were rare and filled with either awkward
silence or stilted remarks. Fergus still remembered the time, when the twins
were barely seven, and still very good friends, that Jesse turned to him, brushing

away his wavy blond hair and with unchildlike sadness in his eyes, asked in a
whisper:
Dont you ever wish that we were never born?
Their mother seemed always exhausted and their father, indifferent. Fergus
blamed himself a lot when he was younger because he very quickly went from
being just the younger twin to the weak and sickly twin" as he drifted in and
out of hospitals with chronic bronchitis and recurrent upper respiratory
infections. Perhaps, on top of dealing with her older son, it was all a bit too much
for his mother.
Living with Victor was hard he only liked them when he was younger, but when
he reached his teenage years, they suddenly turned into an insufferable burden.
He tried to keep appearances in public, at times, but at home, he snubbed and
derided them constantly. He also came to despise his stepfather, who took even
less interest in him, than he did in his own two sons. All of this grew and brewed
in Victor for years until he landed in juvenile jail and quickly thereafter, moved
out with friends.
It all changed somewhat for the better when they moved to Newcastle and close
to their extended family members who seemed at least open to providing some
support, but by then, Fergus felt, it was much, much too late, because he and
Jesse were almost adults. It would now take a superhuman effort to change
them.
If love breeds love, then un-love breeds un-love. Both of the twins, and even
Victor, were distrusting to the extreme, prone to negative emotions, and,
generally, cold and socially awkward. In Jesse, just like in Victor, this childhood
un-love eventually grew into anger. He was angry almost all the time and for no
apparent reason, to the point that his face was going red and his eyes bulged,
and it took a tiniest provocation to set off an explosion. He hated with passion
sometimes, he hated everything around him. He hated Fergus because he was
different. He hated his father because he was indifferent. He hated Victor
because he longed for his acceptance and had never received it. And of course,
he hated anyone who was more athletic than him. He struggled to maintain any
friendship because he sought ulterior motives incessantly and he hated himself
for that even more.
Fergus got the other end of the stick. He didnt struggle with hate he fought
with depression. Anything that would have thrown Jesse into a rage, plunged
Fergus into a bottomless pit of self-pity and pessimism. He went through life
without hope of finding love because he hardly felt he deserved it. He viewed
himself as an unfortunate embarrassment to his family. By his early teens, he
already expected to be bullied and betrayed, took it as a natural thing as

anyone would, after his twin brother had turned on him, making him into an
outlet for his own pent-up emotions. In retrospect, he and Jesse, they could have
stuck through it together, and they maybe could have pulled through with just
their brotherly love, except that neither of them really knew how to love. Hating
came natural to one, mourning to the other. And neither was in any position to
contribute to the positive bond.

Love breeds love.

Andy grew up without a father. His father existed, of course but very much so
on a part time basis. At some point, he quietly moved out, though he continued
meeting with Andy and sending him gifts, hiring him surfing coaches, signing
him up for competitions. He contributed money to the family and Andy never
witnessed him fight with his mother they parted on terms of friends who just
grew apart. Andys father was from Adelaide and Andy never met any of his
fathers relatives.
So it all came down to his mother. Andy described to Fergus what his mother
used to say to him when he was younger and upset about his fathers absence.
She would say to her son: He gave me life in Australia and he gave me you.
That is more than I could ever ask for. Now if he doesnt want to be here, we
dont need him anymore, because I have you and you have me. At some point,
Andy must have believed it.
Fergus admired Andys mother just as much, if not more, than he admired Andy
himself. She spent her childhood and teenage years in an overcrowded,
underfunded Polish orphanage, having never known her parents. Yet, as she
would frequently relate to Andy, the amount of kindness, love and support that
the attendants and teachers instilled and fostered in their charges, more than
made up for the lack of new clothing and toys. She grew up adoring the older
children who took care of and protected her, and when it was time, she did the
same for the youngsters. She told Andy, it may have seemed strange, but she
hated finally having to leave the orphanage.
So really, Andy must have acquired some of that love when he was still in her
womb, through some kind of a passive diffusion. Because Andy didnt just give
love, he was love. Fergus was drawn to him immediately, as everyone was, but
his genuinely kind nature was so overwhelming to Fergus that even when he
found himself spending all of his free time just basking in Andy's presence, he
always waited for the other shoe to drop. Andy was just too good to be true. His
existence was if not impossible, then still highly improbable, on this planet. Even

when they officially got together, he subconsciously braced himself for the
worst. That part of him never changed.

Anyone who, going into a relationship, hopes to change the other person, is
doomed to ultimate disillusionment. Yet, anyone who, going into a relationship,
expects to remain the same, is just as delusional. Fergus never felt that Andy
wanted to change him Andy never pushed, never demanded, never insisted he
do or be anything other than what he was, but Andys love and his gift of giving
was so pervasive, that slowly, Fergus began to change. He didnt even notice it
all of a sudden, but little by little, he started to wonder, as he began calling his
boyfriends mother mama, if this was how things really should be, or how they
are for people who have never had to deal with their twin brother wishing
neither of them had ever been born.

Love breeds love.

Love is greater than the sum of its parts. Fergus never really understood how he
even had it in him to fall in love with Andy in the first place if it came from his
own heart, or if he had somehow absorbed some of the love off of Andy himself,
and it ignited and lit up his heart, yearning to be close to its original source. He
needed him desperately, at all times, even when it was too embarrassing to
admit it, if just to himself because Andy was like a source of light, source of
energy that kept him going. And as much as he absolutely enjoyed having Andy
all to himself, he could never overlook the fact, how incredibly at home he felt
around his mother. The ease and eagerness with which mother and son gave
and accepted love never stopped to amaze him.
And now sitting with them at the table, Fergus smiled as Andy stretched out his
hand. Fergus took and held it. From the other side, Andys mother repeated the
gesture, and Fergus took her hand too, and the three of them sat around that
table for a few peaceful moments of silence.
You can think of it what you want, but she's right.
Love breeds love.

Finishing Touches

Summary:
For once, I have no idea when this happened, but I'm guessing, about 9 or 10
years later?

Hows it going?
Andy shoots him a glance, smiles, and gets up, cracking his back:
Good. I'm done with the first layer. Now Im just going to add some finishing
touches here and there, and then wait for it to dry.
Looking good
Andy has to chuckle at that because Fergus is not even looking at the coffee
table at all, but, is, rather, gazing at him with those deep magnetic brown eyes.
Andy shakes his head:
Can you make me a pony tail? My hair is in my eyes.
He can do it himself, of course, just take off his gloves and all, but this being a
Saturday morning, chances are high that his hair-tie had ended up on Fergus
wrist last night, instead of his own
which it did.
Plus, one should not underestimate the additional benefit of having Fergus
gently comb his fingers through his hair which, though hed done this very
maneuver countless times over the years, - he always does ever so slowly and
cautiously. So Andy can barely resist biting his lip in anticipation of Fergus
following through the steps of the little routine
which he does.
And of course, what with how they are then standing, theres a big likelihood
that Fergus will take another tiny step forward and hug him from behind, an
opportunity that Fergus would almost never pass up
and he doesnt.
He wraps his arms around Andys waist and sets his chin on his shoulder before
finally actually taking a proper look at the table:

My goodness, that looks amazing! Even without that glossy stuff, whats it
called?
What, varnish?
Yeah, that looks professional! Whoever taught you how to paint?
But Andy doesnt respond, just inhales deeply with a tiny noise and leans back
into Fergus, taking in the smell of his aftershave and shampoo.
It was a rather shabby-looking white coffee table when theyd acquired it and
Andys task was to make it match the rest of their stuff. Having never before
dabbled in arts, Andy picked up three cans of paint of various shades of brown,
took the table out onto the back deck, and set the scientist within on the loose.
By the looks of it, his very first experiment was turning out an overwhelming
success.
But to Fergus, who was now enjoying the warmth of his partners body and
eyeing the product of his creative thinking, this was hardly surprising.
Everything that Andys hands touched changed for the better.
Including Fergus.
Fergus was neither fond of nor understood the value of touch when he was
younger. His parents were by no means affectionate and the only touches he
could expect from his siblings came in the form of pushes, shoves, jabs, and,
when things got really bad, kicks. They may have stopped with the more severe
abuse by the time they all moved to Newcastle but that did not mean that his
body stopped carrying the memories of yellowing bruises. He may have healed
on the outside, but the cells in his body still associated every touch with pain.
So it was no surprise then that it took him awhile to get accustomed to Andys
ways.
It was kind of a general knowledge amongst the lads that Andy was a very
tactile person. He felt no shame in hugging his male friends, in squeezing their
shoulders to show support, or touching them gently to express compassion, and
the way his behaviour blended so inseparably with his personality, there was
hardly anyone who considered it weird. There was nothing sexual about it it
was just how he was, it was all innocent and unconscious. It was one of the ways
he spread his positive energy around and it was also entirely common to see
him and his Mum at the market the way she held onto his arm as many
eastern European women commonly do and he never seemed uncomfortable

or embarrassed by it, as many other young males would be including when

she made him carry her bags.
So that was Andy. So naturally then, when Fergus and he came together, there
was a bit of a clash of two worlds. Fergus with his fear of touching, and Andy
who used it as primary means to show his love. Course, Andy didnt right away
know so much about who Fergus was or where he came from - well - he knew his
twin brother - a little bit better - but he was never too quick to assume and to
project Jesses quirks onto Fergus and so it took him some time to really figure
out what the case was.
Now, for Fergus, the whole thing had really been mind over body, or body over
mind, to be precise. He knew with his mind that Andy would never cause him
any harm, but his body, so used to being assaulted, attempted to recoil every
time Andy put his hands on his skin. He fought with it, tooth and nail, because
he *liked* Andy touching him, but his body refused to give in. He would tense
up, clam up, and if Andy left his arm around his shoulders for too long, he could
even go into hyperventilation.
But thankfully, all that was just during their initial friendship stage. By the
time Andy got so attuned to Fergus behaviour that he began to really grasp
what was taking place, Fergus had largely won the war with his body, and well
- things kind of already began to change. It was still unspoken at that time, still
very much cautious and wary, but both became very intentional about their
actions. Especially when Fergus required it the most, in those couple of months
just before he was to go off to college, they began to really quiet down, to spend
their time in all-knowing silence, Fergus scooting over just a tiny bit closer and
Andy leaving his arm around him or holding him in a hug just a little bit longer.
But whether he knew it or didnt, Andy had been changing his friend all along.
His hands have been running over his body, over every part of it that carried an
imprint of a bruise, and slowly - banishing those painful memories for good.
Every square centimetre that was hurting, that was so used to being mishandled
and injured, was being slowly healed by those soft gentle touches that were
creating new imprints on Fergus skin. It was as if - Great Andys hands were
conveying, - If they dont want you, thats great. Because I do. I want you very
much, and if they dont want you, thats perfect for me, because Ill get you all
to myself.
and in a way, he did.
Whether he wanted it back then or not, he got way more than he could ever
hope for. Hed started something back then, something that soon evolved into a
strong, unrelenting force, a force that effaced any doubts and insecurities they
may have had and, eventually, lead them to this

Fergus.
Mhmm.
I have to finish painting.
kay.
Fergus makes no motion to disconnect and Andy smiles, turning his head to
nose him into the neck:
Hey he whispers softly, - You want to make us some smoothies? And take
them into the bedroom or something? Ill join you there shortly give me about
twenty-five minutes
Mhmm
...and we can do whatever you want.
Fergus lets him go reluctantly, but as Andy turns around to face him, Fergus
eyes take on a mischievous hue. He takes a step back and smiles:
What, is that like a bribe?
No Andy responds with a cat smile of his own, his face all but glowing with
love, - No, its more like a promise.

Twelve Years Later

Summary:
Exactly what the title implies.
On Newcastle beach, setting sun was painting the ocean all sorts of warm
tropical colours. Sparse scattered clouds, swimming in the pools of pink and
orange, moved slowly and leisurely across the sky. Two lonely figures, both tall
slender men, sauntered pensively on fine sand, their feet barely out of reach of
the warm January ocean.
Im really sorry for this. - One of the young lads finally started, - You guys
really shouldnt have had to do this.

I know the other one responded gently and gave him a quick glance, - But
you needed our help and we are family. We are happy well always be happy
to help you out.
They walked another few meters in silence.
I do this because Im bored the first one started again, - You know? Ive
been thinking a lot about it and I guess, thats all it comes down to. Im bored
and I need a thrill. Back in the day surfing was a thrill. Or doing skating tricks on
the ramps. But now? I go surfing one evening and my back kills me the following
day!
I know! the other one nodded with a laughter as soft as the ocean breeze
that was playing in his long sun-bleached wavy hair, - Your brother keeps telling
me I will not be able to do this much longer. Remember that injury that I had
back in 08? I gotta be real careful with my neck. Fergus says I will need to look
for a new job in a year or two perhaps become a promoter, thatd be a bit
easier, but I dont know. I dont want to think about that right this second.
Yeah, Fergus The only one whos ever had all his ducks in a row.
Jesse, dont be so hard on yourself, its
What? Andy, Ill be turning 30 just in a few months and I still have to borrow
money from my brother to pay for my rehab and ask my parents if I could move
back in! I really dont think thats a
Jesse You are not the only one whos been having some issues. Scotty, for
example
And thats helpful - how? Yeah, Scottys fucked up, Nathans about to get found
out and fucked up by his boss just wait till that whole thing explodes, Nick
cant afford to pay child support for his kids so I guess you can say hes fucked
up as well and then me
Jesse
No, why arent you fucked up, Andy? I mean, I get that Ferguss got all his plans
with his job and all that he really doesnt have the time to screw up, but you.
I mean Andy, youve been at your job for how many years and doesnt it bore
you? Dont you ever get bored?
Bored Andy considered it for a long time, letting the stare of his blue-grey
eyes rest on the coastline in front of them before turning to Jesse, whose
features were tense with pent up frustration that was generally foreign to Andy.

Andy eyed his friends face for several seconds before turning to take in the
beach landscape again, - I guess it really depends. When you think of it, Jesse,
we are living in paradise. Dont you agree?
Jesse shrugged. Andy continued:
We have the beach and the ocean. We, generally speaking, can survive just
fine even on a waiters salary, am I right? We can surf, we can camp, we can
hang out, go to parties we can do whatever we want.
Jesse considered it:
But its like something is missing.
You need to have something to live for. A goal thats an end in and of itself.
Most people say its happiness and then imagine happiness to be, basically,
living where we are and doing what we do! And look are you happy?
No.
Exactly. Just living here in Newcastle and enjoying the sun all year round is not
enough. All of this would get old and feel empty very, very quickly. *Just this* is
not enough. But theres another sure thing that can never get old or boring, that
can always carry you through and lift you up from your deepest depression and
remain that light at the end of the tunnel even when you feel lost in the dark.
And whats that?
Its simple Andy pulled his cell phone out of his khaki shorts pocket and
pushed the on button. From the lock-screen background of Andys phone,
Fergus, squinting a bit at the bright midday sun, was greeting them with his
wide Hollywood smile, - Very simple Andy repeated, - Its love.

Several kilometers away, the setting sun was splashing yellow glow over a
perfect white wall in a spacious, clean, brand new office. An older gentleman
dressed in an expensive suit-and-tie (the tie alone cost probably more than an
average Australians weekly salary) sat comfortably sprawled in the visitor chair,
across from his junior associate. The junior associate himself was leaning back in
his chair, hands clasped behind his head, feet perched atop the desk.

Sorry to do this to you, Fergs the older gentleman finally started, having
copiously cleared his throat and petted himself on his unshaven chin.
Oh, thats alright the junior associate nodded leisurely and blinked slowly at
him, - What needs to get done, needs to get done. You know Im not too happy
about staying this late, but for you and only once in awhile - I dont mind.
Thats what I love about you, Fergs! the senior coworker laughed, adjusting
himself in the leather chair, - Youre bloody honest, you can stand up for
yourself and you have an admirable work ethic! Its like I really dont even
know how you do it! I mean this job demands a lot! Ive had more than a dozen
associates fall to pieces under such pressure. And you and I know Ive dumped
a lot on you, especially in the past year youve always kept your head high and
ploughed through it all. You you have something in ya that just keeps you
going. Like a little energizer. I just wish I knew what it was
Fergus shrugged his shoulders and smiled.
What, is that some kind of a secret? his manager smiled, picking up a goldplated mug, - You know Ive been envying you for awhile. Just how you handle
yourself amidst all the stress.
No its not a secret. Can I ask you something? Fergus leaned forward
taking his feet off his office table, - Something that might be somewhat a
little personal?
Fire away the gentleman laughed, taking a sip of black coffee.
That one time when I went to Sydney to drop off well, whatever it was, I don't
remember you asked me to pick up a bottle of pills from your doctor well
werent they werent they for your heart?
Yeah his manager said, not one bit perturbed, - They say I'm a walking
heart attack well, and because of my blood pressure
Right and yet I see you drinking buckets of coffee like... all day long!
How could I not? the old man laughed again, eyeing his coffee cup before
placing it back onto Fergus desk, - I could never make it through the day
without extra energy. Im not young like you, I
But you could delegate some of your duties, spend a bit more time at home
Doing what? the senior associate shook his head bitterly, looking around
Fergus office, - You know, this here is what I do best. Ive been doing this since

I was twenty sometimes I think this is all I know how to do. Back when I was
younger, it was quite a bit more fun, getting bonuses, promotions, this and that,
new cars, electronics but now? I keep getting all these projects for you guys
and we make tons of money but its getting boring for me, at least. I stay late,
work a lot, but its not fun like it used to be. I own this whole thing already, plus
a side business, three houses, seven cars and two planes, but guess what? At
night I still dont know where to go. He blinked his watery washed out blue
eyes at Fergus, and Fergus leaned over, briefly squeezing his hand.
"Tell me what Im doing wrong his manager begged, covering Fergus hand
with his own and then releasing it, - I know that if anyone has the name for that
thing that Im missing, then its gotta be you.
Yes yes, I guess, it does have a name.
And whats that?
Its simple Fergus said, smiling and gently touching a framed picture hes
had on his office table for years. On it, drenched in sunlight to the point of
looking like hes made of it, Andy was smiling at them his mischievous, felinelike smile, - Very simple Fergus repeated, - Its love.

Thirteen and a Half Years Later

Summary:
Exactly what the title implies.

Fergus?
Yeah?
Uh No, I just kind of
Did you leave yet? Are you driving? I thought I asked you not to call anyone
whilst youre driving! You get really distracted and its really not safe!
No! No, I havent left yet. Soon. Its the Im Im really kind of nervous
About what? The interview?

Yeah.
Ts Andy, its not even a graduate degree!
So what, its still medicine! I read online its not a good idea to take these
admission interviews lightly!
Okay so what are you worried about?
I dont know! Just not being able to answer their questions! Like for example,
what experiences in life had prepared me for a career in medicine?
Well, youve been working as a life guard and a surf instructor youve always
been interested in anatomy and physiology... Anyway, Andy, what time will you
be heading back?
I dont know, like four?
Great, and will you be passing by Brandons?
Im not sur.
Can you pick up some glue sticks? Im gonna try to work on fixing that shelf
this weekend, its been annoying me for quite some time! Get the ones with the
red on the box please, the other ones dont fit our glue gun!
Uh-huh.
The red ones
I got it.
Great. Can you also pick up some beans when youre at the market?
I was not planning to st
The black ones, I hate the refried ones!
I know
And tomatoes
Yes.
Lettuce

Fergus, you gave me the list this morning! I have not lost it yet!
Yet?
Andy chuckled:
Fine. Although I was planning on going shopping tomorrow.
And can you set out some ground beef to thaw, please? Id like to cook some
when I get home
Kay.
Please try to fix that mosquito net, if you can. The bedroom really needs to be
aired out. If you cant slot it back in just try to wedge it into the window frame
and
Arright.
Can you also take a look at the desktop? It keeps freezing every time I try to
open a PowerPoint.
Fergus, I
Thanks. And give my mother a call? Try to sweet-talk her into removing us from
the guest list of the whatever event it is that is scheduled next. I really dont
have any time!
Anything else?
Yes. If these people who are giving you the interview at the medical school see
at least a quarter of all the things that I see in you, theyll be damn stupid not to
admit you. And thus, you have nothing to worry about. Treat it as another
routine errand. Ohoops, I got a client on another line, Ill talk to you later, bye!
Andy removed his phone from his ear, looked at it for a second, and smiled.

Andy?

Waaaait. wait, wait, wait. Before you say anything, Andy literally stopped
him dead in his tracks with his open palm, Fergus just freezing in the hallway,
forgetting to shut the door.
So Andy continued, folding in fingers, - Picked up your glue sticks, a whole
of six packs. Went grocery shopping and found some of that mango juice that
you like and yes, I got everything on the list, yes, then unfortunately, did not
set out the ground beef, cause we didnt have any, but did thaw out some
ground turkey and already made it into a six-layer dip bet thats what youve
been gunning for, werent ya? Anyway, threw out old mosquito net and ordered
one that actually fits sorry but tonight well have to either get bitten or curl up
under the blankets, took a look at the desktop it really just hates you, Fergus,
it works fine with me and. Andy stopped for a second to take a breath, Talked for a half-an-hour with your mother - and she will be a-okay with us not
coming to your step-cousins wedding, but requested that we show up in about
two weeks for dinner!
Whaaat? Wait, wait, wait Fergus smiled and narrowed his eyes at him,
searching, - But how did the interview go?
Oh, you remembered? Andy stepped back and mimicked him in narrowing
his eyes, only that peculiar glint in them and the corners of his lips still betrayed
the mischief, as always, - Well, they did ask what experience I would consider
relevant in preparing me for the rigorous, multi-faceted and fast-paced work of a
physician and
What did you say?
Oh, I just repeated to them that phone conversation you and I had a little
earlier. And told them, this is what Ive been dealing with every day. For almost
fourteen years!
Fergus froze momentarily, opening his mouth, then blinked and dissolved in
silent laughter, covering his face with his hand, faint blush still visible through
his fingers. Andy eyed him almost with pride, cat-like smile splitting his face.
And they? Fergus asked finally.
Told me that my coursework wont be half as bad. But it will be hard work
nonetheless!
And you?
Said that I would only welcome it! You know me, Fergus Andy gave him that
special look with his eyebrows raised, - I dont like things that are easy. Easy is

boring. I like things that are He stepped forward just barely so - Fergus
already proceeding to meet him halfway - and slid his index fingers with that
habitual move into the pockets of Fergus dress pants, - Difficult. And hard.
Is that so? Fergus murmured, leaning into him just a little, but ghosting his
nose alongside his cheek.
Yeah Andy purred into Fergus ear, - You know me. I like me a challenge.
Oh, do ya? Fergus returned the whisper, before disconnecting and pulling
away just enough to be able to look again into Andys eyes, which were already
half-lidded and dark with blown pupils, - Are you up for one right now?
He got Andy's breathless answer:
Oh, yeah. Anytime.