OFFICIAL CODE SHEET

It has been brought to the attention of the Management there

is extensive use of foul and/or abusive language in the exchange of
normal verbal communication during the course of routine activities
pertaining to the completion of our day-to-day routine. In order to
alleviate this horrendous situation and, at the same time, not impinge
on the individual freedom and originality of our workers, the following
numbers shall be henceforth uttered in lieu of the catchy phrases
listed beside each number.
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135

You got to be shitting me

Get off my fucking back
Beats the shit outa me
What the fuck?
It's so fucking bad, I can't believe it
I hate this fucking place
This place sucks
Fuck you very much
Lovely, just fucking lovely
Beautiful, just fucking beautiful
Fuck, shit, piss
I just got fucked
Big fucking deal
Hang it in your fucking ear
Get bent
Ram it, cram it, and rotate it rapidly to the right
Fan-fucking-tastic/Far-fucking-out
Fuck it, just fuck it
Hot shit
Bitching
Tell someone who gives a shit
Don't get fucking wise
I don't give a fuck
I didn't design the fucking thing, I just installed the Mother Fucker
Kiss my ass
Your ass
It won't fucking work
Fuck off
Go pound sand in your ass
Who called this fucking meeting, anyway?
You are fucked up beyond all repair
Where the fuck is my drink?
Fuck you
Shove this fucking place up your ass
Oh shit

136 - Go fuck yourself

137 - Up yours
138 - Shove it, you son-of-a-bitch
139 - Answer your fucking phone
140 - Answer your own fucking phone
141 - Half-assed, two-bit, mother-fucking son-of-a-bitch
142 - Fuckin' A
143 - What a chickenshit outfit
144 - Cram it up your ass
145 - Eat me
146 - That's un-fucking believable
147 - Your ass sucks canal water
148 - Pardon me - you obviously mistook me for someone who gives
a shit
149 - You're stroking my bird (var. choking my chicken, waxing my carrot)
150 - Blow it out your ass
Acronyms:
FUPITA - FUcking Pain In The Ass
SNAFU - Situation Normal All Fucked Up
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
BOHICA - Bend Over - Here It Comes Again

Joy of Computers
A Users Manual From The Computer Relations Institute
The following manual is provided as an aid to those open
minded adults wishing to achieve a more fulfilling and
meaningful relationship with their UNIX computer.
WARNING!!: Do not attempt the more difficult positions
immediately! Start with the simple relationships and work
your way up, or damage to the operator and/or terminal may
result!
LOGON
As in all relationships, you must start by approaching the
terminal and making some small talk. In computer

terminology, this is referred to as "logging on". It is,

however, just a highly evolved form of foreplay (much like
the singles bar scene). If the computer is receptive to
your advancement (hey what is your sign? #grep
/etc/passwd), then it will respond by asking for a
password. This is the computer's way of weeding out the
nerds before verifiably engaging in any relationship. It
also sets the term for the give-and-take interrelationship
to follow. If this condition of foreplay is successful, the
user is allowed to "access the computer". Once this is
past, the user and the computer are ready to network in
some serious entanglements.
CHECK-IN WITH DOT
The computer has a vast and ponderous knowledge that may be
accessed by the temporal user (it's "been around"). To
decide just what form of relationship will develop, the
computer kindly produces a $ prompt, which evokes the
terminal user to fork up an appropriate response and press
the ENTER key (more about entering later!). How much the $
expects is dependant upon Dot Profile. Everyone knows Dot
don't they? Dot's gotta hold on you where you live! Without
Dot's help you could be awking off in the corner! Dot's got
your mail! Dot's got your history for the last several
transgressions, so you'd better be sure Dot is taken care
of properly at the $ prompt. No short changing here! If you
do short the Dot, you'll be seeing it on the front page of
your news_rc
PROGRAM ACCESS
Ah! The fun part! Most programs require a lot of entering.
Care has to be taken here not to enter the wrong thing in
the wrong place! NOTE: You may find your self entering
repeatedly to achieve any degree of success. You may enter
as hard (often stated "strike any key") and as fast as you
like, but like any sensitive partner, please be aware of
the computer's feelings. Automation and modern technology
have produced the most advanced of all partners our multiuser, multi-tasking environment. (Wouldn't it be nice if you
could multi-user without fear of catching something,
including bullets.)
PROFICIENCY

The system, if properly approached, will respond almost

instantly and openly to user advances. (Dinner, dancing and
a show aren't even needed.) As you improve you may even be
able to experience multiple relationships per day. Just
work your way up slowly. (Be careful, you are beginning to
sweat on the keys!)
EXITING
After accessing your favorite program and dwelling on all
the earthly delights available from the depths of the
system, it will soon become time for the climactic end of
the session. This step has been automated to allow the
users to take full advantage of their passions. The system
will be ready to get off any time the user so desires. No
more trying to time things just right! The user types EXIT
and enters for the final time. The computer responds
instantly, and with much relief and gratification, the user
is thrust out, finished and spent from passionate endeavors
in the exiting world of computer relationships. The only
thing that seems a bit unfair is that the computer
immediately begins to invite another LOGON!!
CONSEQUENCES
As in any highly developed personal relationship, certain
responsibilities and consequences exist. Privacy,
especially in multi-user scenarios is non-existent! There
are more ways to see what the user is doing and has done
than you would expect. PID (not pelvic inflammatory
disease) can generate child processes which will then spawn
PPIDs and so on. The awesomeness of the birthing of child
processes can occasionally be interrupted. The cause of
these birth defects is sometimes predictable, and sometimes
cannot be explained, and you wind up with a core dump right
in the middle of your directory! HONESTLY! There are proper
places for dumping. Thankfully, cores don't smell.
Interruptus and aborting of processes are frowned upon by
the local right-to-life movement. However, the system
doesn't seem to be at all distressed by multiple interrupts
and aborts. Sometimes its helpful in keeping the process
population from getting out of hand and into the system.
MORE ON MULTI-USER

The computer is the most versatile of all partners. For

those operators who have advanced beyond the one-on-one
scene, the computer is open to many variations. It is
capable of having relationships with many different users
at the same time. (This would be an unpopular subject in
news.soc.singles) It won't even call you by the wrong name!
Caution for humans needs to be exercised. Multiple
relationships are very difficult for users, and
extraordinarily simple for the computer. Also, the
tirelessness of the computer can often exhaust the most
lascivious user. Hours on hours, days on days, until the
PIDs number 10^6 the computer will keep asking for LOGINS!
PROGRAMMERS
A very elite group of computer relaters exists, known as
"programmers". This group can delve as deeply into the
mysteries of computer relations as is technically possible
today. It is this group, in fact, that is able to maintain
the computer at the fevered pitch. Not much is known about
the practices of this elite group, but studies are going on
at this time to determine how their complex groupings are
tied into the inner workings of the mighty computers. It
should be noted that relationships between users and
programmers should be approached with precaution. The depth
of knowledge of the programmer may well burn out the more
simple minded users if the computer is not allowed to act
as counselor.
In closing, the user is encouraged to explore the satisfying
world of the computer. Thrust in headlong to the depth of
your ability. Seek the serene but passionate heights of the
most intense programs. You will come away satisfied and
content in the knowledge of a relationship well founded.
DEFINITIONS
GOING DOWN - Occasionally, the entire computer will turn
"frigid" in mid-course and refuse to do anything. This can
be very frustrating to the operators. It is truly traumatic
to the users that are about to exit in the relationship.
The reason for this action is not entirely known. Indeed,
it appears that the result of going down has entirely the
opposite effect than the action practiced by humans on each
other that bears the same name. However the computer can be
made to recover from this withdrawal by very special
foreplay performed by system administrators. (Special users

and programmers). Going down has one redeeming quality. It

is often the cause of the PID numbers to fall nearly to the
extinction level. PIDs and PPIDs are annihilated by the
millions. This is the ultimate in child process evacuation.
COLD START - This is a term for the intricate foreplay practiced
by programmers on a computer that has "gone down".
It appears that this is the only form of foreplay
that the system will respond to in order to arouse
a withdrawn system to engage in relationships with
the more common users.
WARM START - This form of foreplay between system
administrators and the computer occurs when the computer
has "gone down" from the secret actions of the system
administrators themselves. No one knows why this
ritualistic form of system deprivation is periodically
practiced by this elite group. Some theories suggest it is
a method whereby the programmers drive their satisfaction
from the frustrated energies of the other users.
BACKUP - A back-up is performed by the programmers at
regular intervals. It may be some form of rear-entry or
"back-door" access to the systems most private parts. The
reason for this is also not known., but at times when the
system "goes down", it would not be possible to bring it
around again had some programmer not performed a "back-up"
recently.
RUNNING- This is a devious practice performed by the
a programming group or system administrators that is thought
TAPE to be a form of electronic bondage. The system is thought
to derive much pleasure from this. We know that it has to
do with the memories of the system, and is therefore thought
to be very important. This act is never forgotten by the
computer unless it is "erased", which may be some form of
pleasure-trance induced by the programmers.
WARM DUMP - Not much is known about this. Theories presented
by researchers on system relations are so strange and
repulsive that this is most often handled by government
agencies. The droppings for some, called "cores" are
immediate calls to investigation.(Preverts) (Is that the
opposite of Postverts?)
MODEMS - A piece of equipment that can allow for telefornication

by both authorized and unauthorized users if

the system is not properly prepared.
Great Moments in Equal Access
International pornography magnate and accused racketeer Reuben
Sturman
is converting a landmark North Beach strip joint into a big peep-show
arcade, according to city records.
City building inspectors have allowed the Sturman firm to begin
tearing
out the club's interior, but they want assurances that two of the peepshow
booths will be wheelchair-accessible before they will issue a permit for
remodeling....
-TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher : "Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible."
One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the
toothpastes and put back it into the tube again."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: George can you count up to 5?

George counts up to 5 slowly using his Fingers.
TEACHER: Good, now can you count any higher?
George climbs up on his chair and counts five again using his fingers.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong
wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

JOHN: Maybe it's

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this card(report card).
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."

have

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the
other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at

and
home.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game
went into extra time.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks.
"I musta got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl,"'cause Mommy's
still got hers."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
A kid with a few packages in his arms asked a passerby, "Will you open the
gate for me?"
The passerby said, "Of course, sonny."
The kid replied," Thanks. The gate was just painted and I didn't want to
get my hands messy."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Ed: What time is it when Dracula goes to the dentist?
John: I don't know.
Ed: Tooth hurty(2:30)
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year.
John: Oh, yeah? How did it go?

Ed: We spotted a leopard.

John: Don't be silly. They're born that way!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current
affairs.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

your

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Tarun : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
Dinesh : You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Man : How old is your father ?

Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first.

IQ Test
Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of your answers down, it
makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test.
Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready ? What is the
time?
Start.
1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months
have 28 days? __ All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every
half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?
1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the
last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock
and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many
hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm?
1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between
a.m. and p.m.
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
_70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
_) 9 live sheep.
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where
there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light
first?
The match.
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction,
each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color
is the bear?
=White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped
at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at
Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually
arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?
__ YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
8+ Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
Oreo Cookie Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo
cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which
method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite
afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with,
exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their
Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.

You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very
meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being
anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if
you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always
have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental
breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do
you good.
5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar
coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good
ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You
have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things
apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back
together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny
your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and
exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you
want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack
feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok,
you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help-immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and
go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the
things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to
be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

Presidential flavor
Top ten names for Ben & Jerry's new Presidential ice cream:
10. Impeach-Mint
9. Candy Pants
8. Hyperactive Nuts
7. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
6. Pantsachio
5. Subpoena Colada
4. Horny Bubba Crunch
3. Peppermint Fattie

2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

And the #1 name for the new Presidential flavor...
1. Captain Cream
Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him
and to let him know that you trust him.
The Art Of Self-Restraint
The art of self-restraint, setting limits with understanding and enjoyment, is a
crucial part of self-parenting and a way we can demonstrate how much we care
for ourselves. Self-nurturing can mean giving yourself a well-deserved day off,
eating more nutritious food or giving yourself encouragement in your work. It can
mean forgiving yourself for an unfortunate mistake or volunteering your services
to others.
Blonde takes taxi
After traveling a few blocks, a blonde realizes she had no money and
immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten
dollars already," she said.
The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror.
"That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and
take off your bra."
"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five dollars."
Tough Questions
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as
ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Dumb Newspaper Headlines
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Happy moments
Members of different nations discussed the happiest day of their lives.
The Frenchman said that the happiest day of his live would be when he meets a pretty young
lady, who will become his lover, would be always nice to him, be available day or night...
The American said, that it would be when he inherits his family business. And after making
successful strategic changes in his organization, the stock value of the company raises five
points on a market.
And than the Russian said: "When I hear heavy kicking to my doors at 3:00 am."
"Petrov?!"
"No, next floor!"

Solution
A mechanic, an electrician, a chemist, and a computer guy were driving on the
highway when their car broke down.
The mechanic said, "I think a rod broke."
The chemist said, "There's no combustion so it's not getting enough gas."
The electrician said, "I think something's wrong with the electrical system."

The computer guy said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

Teaching Math
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother
heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked,
"And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!
Just do it - don't cheat!!!!
Try this its actually quite good.
But don't cheat!
Count the number of F's in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK?

How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE

RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
The reasoning is further down...
The brain cannot process the word "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius
Three is normal.
You've been there to hear my joys.
You've been there to hear my sorrows.
You've been there to share a joke,
You've been there to make me smile.

I'm so lucky to have found you.

I'm so happy that you found me too.
I'm hoping you'll be my friend forever.
I'm hoping you'll want to be mine too.
Let's promise to always be here for each other.
Let's promise to be the shoulder we cry on.
Let's promise to share the joys & triumphs.
Let's promise to always be the one to rely on.
People are often unreasonable,
irrational, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse
you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some
unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere
people may deceive you;
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating
others could destroy overnight;
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness,
some may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today,
will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have,

and it may never be enough;
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's
sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

-------------Why did God give women nipples?

To make suckers out of men.
Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for
the new season?
Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes, you don't eat them.
How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well?
When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a
glazed doughnut.
Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called
Dick-Man?
You put a quarter in and get fucked.
I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breast fall off:
Oh...I see you've already heard it.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
Bo Derek getting older.
Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum,
LSD, and Kentucky
Fried Chicken batter?
It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant
woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend see you.
Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After five years, the job still sucks.
How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag.
What's the white stuff you find in women's panties?
Clitty litter.
Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet
spot.
What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?
An all-the-way house.
Definition of a wife: "An attachment you screw on the bed to
get the
housework done."
How are an oven and a woman alike?
You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat
in.
Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the
Ripper? (Getting
fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than
that?
Getting eaten out by Jaws.
What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.
Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so
unpopular?
You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.
What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in the Vaseline.
What's a cunt that talks back?
An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?

Mikey ... He'll eat anything.
What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive
cream?
A spermicidal maniac.
Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.
What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A nightcrawler.
What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car?
Patty.
Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?
So they won't whistle.
How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If she farts, her ankles will swell.
How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for the dandruff on her shoes.
Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
In case you miss.
Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
So you can carry them home like a six-pack.
What do you call a female clone?
A clunt.
Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse?
Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.
Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
So you can floss after you eat.
How does a girl hold her liquor?
By the ears!
How is a woman like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

How is a woman like an airplane?

Both have cockpits.
How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.
Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)?
A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat
a blowjob
Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word attic
out loud.
Three mysteries of women:
1. They can give milk without eating grass.
2. They can bleed for a week every month without dying.
3. (My favorite). They can bury a bone without getting their
noses dirty.
What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
Sends him to work.
Your wife's just like a rifle: First she gets cocked and then she
blows.
Your wife's just like a bowling ball: She gets picked up,
fingered, thrown
in the gutter, and always comes back for more!
How many male Chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet ?????
None ! Thats womans work.
What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?
Her feet!
If God didn't want man to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it
look
so much like a TACO!
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
FULL!!
How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up

her snatch,
If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
How does a women get a mink coat ?
The same way mink gets a mink.
What do the two million battered wives in America all have in
common?
They don't know when the hell to shut up.
How A Pussy Was Made
Seven Wise Men made up their minds
to build then a Pussy of their own Design.
The First was a Carpenter, full of wit,
with a Hammer and Chisel, He made the Slit.
The Second, a Blacksmith, black as coal,
with an Anvil and Sledge, He made the Hole.
The Third, a Rich Tailor, tall and thin,
with a peice of Red Ribbon, He lined it within.
The Fourth, a Furrier, big and stout,
with the Skin of a Bear, He lined it without.
The Fifth, a Fisherman, old and bent,
with a Rotten Herring, He gave it a Scent.
The Sixth, a Preacher, with a B.A. degree,
Patted it, and Felt it, and said it would Pee.
The Seventh, a Rabbi, a Mean Little Runt,
Blessed it, and F*cked it, and called it a C*nt.

Banana Loaf
2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly
squeeze and
massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well

greased. Check
frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in
and out until
creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief.
Bread is
done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and
do not lick
the bowl.
WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!
-------------------What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
Why is a woman better than a sheep?
Sheep can't cook.
Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow?
so she doesn't shit on the floor when she does the dishes.
What is the definition of "Male Chauvinist Pig?"
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his
own.

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's
stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow

Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big
'n'
Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,
Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know
how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind,
Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main
squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son
of
a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
from
Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
yes
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make
love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,
my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN

In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love
to be
with, and women that would love to be with you. THERE IS NO UNION
OF THESE TWO SETS.
Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that
you are
the best friend that a woman could ever have.
Being told that you are nice is:
the equivalent to her saying, "I wish that you were my brother."
a curse.
her way of saying that "I hope we can just be friends.
A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone. A Bitch is a woman that
will
sleep with anyone but you. All women are Bitches.

Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or

married or
your mother's best friend will think that you are a wonderful person
that any
woman would die for.
These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation
that you
don't go out with a hundred women a week. Much less one.
When a woman says "No!" she really means "Yes!" -- except, of course,
when she
means "NO!"
Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely
ignore and
demean a woman to gain her affection. If you completely disregard
her
existence, she'll die for you.
The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to
how
attracted you are to her. If you are absolutely in love with everything
about
her, her hints will amount to, "I really like your roommates new shoes."
If
you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come
spend a
week with her in the Bahamas.
A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and
that he
treated her like dirt afterwards. She will go on-and-on for hours, until
she
builds up enough nerve to ask him out again.
Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be:
Married,
heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year,
a lesbian
my brother's ex-girlfriend.
A "Taken" woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that
looks
don't matter anyway and that she'd go out with you if she wasn't

already
dating someone.
"Taken" women are the only women capable of understanding your
wonderful sense
of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity,
and
gracious generosity.
A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real
jerk,
wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set
them up.
Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense.
Women will confuse you and make you distraught.
Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world. They are the
most
precious element that the world could ever know. Everything from the
way
they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh,
gesture,
dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste -is
fantastic.