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Relational Therapy
Some people will tell you that irrational (or emotional) behavior is bad, and
that you must always be rational. But people are not robots, and the irrational
is a necessary part of us. The problem is not irrational behavior, but mixing up
rational with irrational, as in acting the way you feel instead of expressing your
feelings through your body language (even if it is as "irrational" as a tantrum),
or expressing your thoughts indirectly through your behavior, as if they were
feelings (e. g. fabricated smiles or controlled gestures, avoidant or passive-
aggressive behavior), instead of acting boldly according to what you think.
This kind of "mixing up" can create conflicts and problems both within
ourselves and in our relationships.
Let's start with the beginning: there are four main things that people do: they
think, act, feel, and express through their body language (as in emotional
expressions).
Well-adjusted people act what they think, and express what they feel. Also, in
a relationship, they think about others' acts, and feel about what others
express.
Unadjusted people act what they feel, instead of what they think, or express
what they think, instead of what they feel. In a relationship, they think about
what others express, or feel about others' acts.
So, to become well-adjusted instead of unadjusted, we don't have to change
the way we think, act, feel, or express, but change the relations among these
within ourselves, in our relationships, or both.
We will show you a few examples that might match or approximate your
experiences, so you can learn to apply them to similar situations you
encounter in your life. Make sure your partner does the same.
Act what you think, do not content to express it: speak your mind, don't
let me guess it
Instead of the unadjusted:
"I decided that's better for me to leave my boyfriend, and I tried to show him
that"
Try the well-adjusted:
"I decided that's better for me to leave my boyfriend, and I told him that"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
I found out that I don't love my boyfriend anymore, and I tried to show him that"
Express what you feel, do not act it out: "love is a feeling, I don't wanna
hear it" or "don't say you love me, let me feel it"
Instead of the unadjusted:
"I love my girlfriend and I always buy her what she wants"
Try the well-adjusted:
"I love my girlfriend and I'm always gentle with her"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"I want her to be comfortable and I always buy her what she wants"
So, if you know that the other acts out what he/she feels, instead of
expressing it, and if he/she wants to move in with you, understand that he/she
has feelings for you, but has not necessarily thought of all the things involved
in living together.
Think about others' acts, don't feel about them: get what I have in mind,
do not mind
Instead of the unadjusted:
"My girlfriend wants to make up with me, and I'm thrilled about it, 'cause this
means that she loves me"
Try the well-adjusted:
"My girlfriend wants to make up with me, and I agree, because that's better for
both of us"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"I feel that my girlfriend loves me, and I'm thrilled about it"
So, if you know that the other feels about your acts, instead of thinking about
them, don't tell her you want to make up with her unless you really love her.
Otherwise, she will not understand that it is a mere rational decision, and will
build upon a love that isn't there.
Feel what others express, do not think about it: I need you to feel what I
feel, I don't want to fill you in
Instead of the unadjusted:
"She thinks that I'm smart, I can see it in her eyes"
Try the well-adjusted:
"She likes me, I can feel it in her eyes"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"She thinks that I'm smart, she asked my help in solving a difficult problem”
So, if you know that the other thinks about what you express, instead of
feeling about it, try not to show him/her your emotions, unless you thus want
to make a point about your thoughts. For example, if you want to raise his
self-esteem, you can flirt with him, but don't expect that this will make him
understand that you like him as a man.
Try:
I'm depressed (afraid), and I'm sick.
The situation is bad, and I try to do something about it.
Introduction
According to the hypostatic view of personality, there are four main things
that people do: they think, act (including through words, or verbal
communication), feel, and express through their body language (nonverbal
communication).
Changing the relationships between these four dimensions of doing - both
within the person and in her relationships - is the scope of relational therapy
(or relatherapy, as we like to call it), just a part of a broader approach to
psychotherapy.
Well-adjusted people act what they think, and express what they feel. These
are called direct intrapersonal relations. Also, in a relationship, they think
about others' acts, and feel about what others express. These are called
direct interpersonal relations.
Unadjusted people act what they feel, instead of what they think, or express
what they think, instead of what they feel. These are called crossed
intrapersonal relations. In a relationship, they think about what others
express, or feel about others' acts. These are called crossed interpersonal
relations.
Therapy goals
Improving client's communication and relationships, through:
1. Replacing crossed intrapersonal relations with direct intrapersonal relations.
2. Replacing crossed interpersonal relations with direct interpersonal relations.
Indications
All kinds of relational problems or discontents, relating to dating, family and
work relationships, and/or casual social encounters, anxiety, depression, and
other mental problems. In the case of problems in stable relationships, both
partners should be assessed and participate to sessions, if needed.
Initial assessment
First, as always, you have to establish what is the main problem that led the
client to your office.
Second, you have to identify crossed relations within the person, and
between her and others. In the preliminary interview, you may want to ask the
client questions like:
Tell me if it ever happens to you to act what you feel? For example, to buy
something to the one you love, instead of telling her you love her, or just
letting that show in your gestures and facial expressions?
Tell me if it ever happens to you to express what you think through your body
language, instead of using words? For example, to try to show somebody
through your body language that you do not agree with her, instead of just
saying it to her?
Tell me if it ever happens to you to feel about what others act, instead of
thinking about it? For example, to feel happy about a gift you receive from a
loved one on your birthday, as if it meant that he is loving you too, instead of
maybe just being polite?
Tell me if it ever happens to you to think about what others express, instead
of feeling about it? For example, thinking that if someone frowns, something
is wrong with her or with you, instead of just feeling that she is sad or
angry?
2. Today I decided that it's better for me to break up with my girlfriend, and
a. I'll behave so that she will leave me
b. I will tell her that
Client: The other day my boss frowned at me, and I wondered what was wrong. I
mean … did I do something wrong or what? I just accomplished all the tasks I
was assigned in the morning. Then I thought maybe he is not feeling well, he
is exhausted and is just upset.
Therapist: But he was just frowning, right? Why is it that this always has to
mean something? But what have you felt that moment? What feelings did
that frowning stir up in you?
C: I think I felt that he was angry . . . . I'm not sure I felt something. But I don't
understand why . . .
T: Maybe there is nothing to understand. Have you ever thought that way? Feelings of
others are meant to be felt, not thought about, right? Can't you just feel his anger
and move on, concentrating your thoughts - and I underline, your thoughts, not your
feelings - on what he is doing and saying? What effect do you think will that have on
you?
C: Maybe you're right. I don't know, I think that would make me less worrisome [he
smiles].
T: Now, the fact that you said you're not sure you felt something makes me think of
something else. How well do you know your boss?
C: Not so well. I started working there just a couple of months ago.
T: Maybe it's a good idea to find out if your boss is the one that is worrisome [the
client laughs].
Maybe by frowning he wants to make you understand that he indeed thinks your work is
not good enough, and frowning in this case expresses no feeling whatsoever. Has this
happened before? I mean, the frowning?
C: Maybe a couple of times, yes.
T: I think you have to try to know him better, to do a little research. See if this
is not something that he does with other employees also. If that's the case, you
have two options: to understand that when he frowns, it's about your work, or to say to
him that when he has something to say, he better say it, instead of frowning [the client
laughs].
Which one do you choose?
C: I don't know, I have to think about it [he smiles].
T: Then you'll have to go with the first [client and therapist laugh].
Here the therapist suspected that the client had a crossed interpersonal
relation with his boss, thinking about his emotional expressions instead of
feeling them, but then, when the patient declared that those expressions
were in fact not seeming to really express some feeling or emotion, he
investigated the possibility of a crossed intrapersonal relation on the part of
the boss, who seemed to express his thoughts through body language,
instead of acting them out or telling them.
I feel anxious and afraid [feeling], and I try to do something about it [action].
These formulations are not necessarily thoughts of the client, but statements
that - patient and therapist agree - can accurately describe the client's state
at a given moment.
Here we see the individual focusing on his own thoughts and feelings, and not
linking directly the cause - anxiety, with the effect - being unable to go to
college (in fact, the client does not even mention the effect in his formulation
of the problem).
Feelings of helplessness, and later, hopelessness are generated by the fact
that the individual tries to act according to his feelings, and on his feelings,
but as feelings cannot be changed by voluntary action, he becomes helpless
and thinks nothing can be changed. Also, thoughts not acted out, and not
acted upon, give rise to pathological expressions (symptoms), because only
feelings - and not thoughts - can be really expressed.
First step: creating direct relations between thoughts and actions, and
between feelings and expressions (it's what psychoanalysis calls “insight”,
cognitive therapy – “restructuring cognitive schemata”, and person-centered
therapy – “achieving congruence and genuineness”). Only this way can the
client's thoughts really get in touch with her feelings, and her
expressions really support her actions.
I feel anxious and afraid [feeling], and I can't do it [go to college] [emotional
expression].
I want to go to college [thought], and I try to do something about it [action].
Second step: the result of direct relations is that problem ceases to
exist
I want to go to college [thought], and I try to do something about it [action].
Therefore, I don't feel anxious and afraid [feeling gone], and I can do it
[emotional expression gone]. When I'm afraid about it, I express my fears.
Treating anxiety and depression
Treatment Model for Anxiety
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel menaced, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
As there are hazards on the street (in the world), I have panic attacks
(symptoms) there.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel menaced, and I have panic attacks
There are hazards on the street, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
There are hazards on the street (in the world), and I try avoid the hazardous
situations.
Therefore, I don't feel menaced, and I don't have panic attacks (symptoms).
When I'm afraid, I express my fear (e. g. I'm shaking).
Treatment Model for Depression
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel depressed, and I try to do something about it.
As the situation is difficult, I cry all the time.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel depressed and I cry all the time.
The situation is difficult and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
The situation is difficult and I try to do something about it.
Therefore, I don't feel depressed, and I don't cry all the time. When I'm sad, I
express my sadness (e. g. weep or cry).
DISORDERS
Anorexia
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I fear gaining weight, and I try to do something about it.
I see myself overweight, and I diet and vomit.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I fear gaining weight, and I diet and vomit.
I see myself overweight, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I see myself overweight, and I try to do something about it.
Therefore, I don't fear gaining weight, and I don't diet or vomit. When I'm afraid
that something would make me fat, I abstain from eating it.
Bulimia
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm stressed out and I try to do something about it.
I eat to much and I vomit.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm stressed out and I vomit.
I eat to much, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I eat to much, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not so stressed out, and I don't vomit.
Conversion disorder
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm depressed (afraid), and I try to do something about it.
The situation is bad, and I'm sick.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm depressed (afraid), and I'm sick.
The situation is bad, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
The situation is bad, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not so depressed (afraid), and I'm not sick.
Depression
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel depressed, and I try to do something about it.
As the situation is difficult, I cry all the time.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel depressed and I cry all the time.
The situation is difficult and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
The situation is difficult and I try to do something about it.
Therefore, I don't feel depressed, and I don't cry all the time. When I'm sad, I
express my sadness (e. g. weep or cry).
Panic attacks
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel menaced, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
As there are hazards on the street (in the world), I have panic attacks
(symptoms) there.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel menaced, and I have panic attacks
There are hazards on the street, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
There are hazards on the street (in the world), and I try avoid the hazardous
situations.
Therefore, I don't feel menaced, and I don't have panic attacks (symptoms).
When I'm afraid, I express my fear (e. g. I'm shaking).
Schizophrenia
Discordance can be described in intrapersonal terms.
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I don't feel any emotion, and I try to do something about it.
I see and hear things, but I'm inexpressive.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I don't feel any emotion, and I'm inexpressive.
I see and hear things, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I see and hear things, and I try to do something about it.
Therefore, I feel some emotion, and I'm not inexpressive. When I don't feel any
emotion, I'm not expressive.
Social phobia
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm afraid of social situations, and I try to do something about it.
I know that I don't do well in social situations, and I panic when I meet other
people.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm afraid of social situations, and I panic when I meet other people.
I know that I don't do well in social situations, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I know that I don't do well in social situations, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not afraid of social situations, and I don't panic when I meet other
people.
Stuttering
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm afraid I'm gonna stutter, and I try to do something about it.
I know that I stutter in public, and I do it.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm afraid I'm gonna stutter, and I do it.
I know that I stutter in public, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I know that I stutter in public, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not afraid I'm gonna stutter, and I do it less frequently.
THE CASE OF JIM
Panic attacks
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathological).
I feel menaced, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
As there are hazards on the street, I have panic attacks there.
GROUPS
Received Emitted to Received Emitted to Received Emitted Received Emitted to Received Emitted to
from J.D. J.D. from P.B. P.B. from O.D. to O.D. from M.K. from P.W.
M.K. P.W.
P.W.
LEGEND
[X] acting-feeling
[O] expressing-thinking
[X] thinking-expressing
[O] feeling-acting
Received Emitted to Received Emitted to Received Emitted to Received Emitted to Received Emitted t
from J.D. J.D. from P.B. P.B. from O.D. O.D. from M.K. M.K. from P.W.
P.W.
J.D. [O]
J.D. learned J.D. is now
to act willing to help
J.D. according to M.K. develop
interprets body professionally,
P.B.'s body language and spends
language signs he more time
“signs” as received tutoring her
conveying from his
meaning boss, and
adjust his
actions so
as to not
receive any
more
negative
signals, as
well as ask
him for
verbal
clarifications
when he
received
such
signals.
P.B. no
more
P.B. did not thinks that
manage to O.D. is
be more arrogant,
outspoken, and thus no
and more
spontaneously considers
and plainly sanctioning
communicate him
through
verbal
language his
cognitive
assessments
of J.D.'s
work
O.D.
M.K.
P.W.
Bibliography
Tapu, C.S. (2001). Hypostatic Personality: Psychopathology of Doing and
Being Made. Premier (Not a book for everyone; it requires a basic knowledge
of psychology/psychiatry).