Sarah Bandy

Professor Jason Offutt

Reporting
24 April 2015
Features Story Domestic Violence
*Names in story have been changed in order to protect identity of the individual.

SEVEN YEARS OF SILENCE

Melanie Green has not spoken to her father in almost seven years. Unlike many family
disputes, where it would be encouraged to try to make amends with the individual, Melanie
considers her choice not to speak to her father an act of courage.
Melanies situation is different than most due to her father being emotionally abusive to
her and physically and emotionally abusive to her mother.
In other words, Melanies decision to no longer speak to her father was not an easy one to
make, but it shows that she was able to become more than what her father thought she was.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence is the pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over
another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence,
according to safehorizon.org.

According to Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence, one in four
women will go through domestic violence in their lifetime. That means that in a classroom of 20
students with 10 females, at least two of them will encounter domestic abuse.
An average of 20 people every minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the
United States. This number adds up to about 10 million people every year, according to
ncadv.org.
This is an issue that is far too large to ignore.

MELANIES PARENTS
Melanies father grew up in an unhealthy home, where he saw his parents fighting a lot.
Melanies father had an addiction to drugs and alcohol before Melanie was born, and that was
when he began to abuse Melanies mom. First, he alienated her mother from her friends and
family, and then he began financial, emotional, and physical abuse.
When Melanie was two years old, her mother gave her father an ultimatum. The situation
was becoming more and more out of control, so he was given a choice: to continue drinking, or
to have a family. For the time being, Melanies father chose family.
A batterer may blame substances to excuse behavior. However, projecting blame is not taking
responsibility for the behavior, according to the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual
Violence.
The drinking stopped, but the emotional and physical abuse did not. Melanies father was
also irresponsible with money; he could not keep a job, and any money received was spent on his
wants with no regard to bills or other responsibilities. When Melanies mother found out that her

father had been cheating on her, it was the final straw. The couple divorced when Melanie was
four years old. Melanies father accepted the divorce and left the house with his belongings
stuffed into two trash bags.
Sometime after the divorce, Melanies mother had a restraining order against her father.
Melanies mother made this decision after her father became needlessly angry and chose to
shatter the windshield of her car while Melanies young brother sat in the front seat. These
actions showed that he was not in the state of mind to be around children.
Melanies father fought this. She remembers her father coming to their house and beating
on the door, her mother saying, No, while pushing him away and fighting his threats to kidnap
the children. Melanies father succeeded in his kidnapping efforts one time, taking Melanie and
her brother 12 blocks from their house to their grandmothers house.

Melanies father

eventually moved in with another woman, and the couple had a daughter together. Melanie
recalls that her father was emotionally abusive to every woman in his life, including her new
half-sister and the mother. The verbal abuse was constant, and whenever he was angry enough,
there would be choking, slapping and hitting. Melanie says that as awful as the abuse is to see as
an adult, it is even worse to see as a child.
When youre young and you see what happens, you kind of tone it out, Melanie said.
You tune it out when the yelling starts, when the physical violence starts. You go to your room
and continue playing dolls or whatever youre doing. You get out of the way, because you dont
know what to do to help, and youre afraid that if you do something, something worse will
happen.

One in 15 children are exposed to the violence between intimate partners, and 90 percent
of them witness the abuse, according to ncadv.org. If a child intervenes with the violence
between parents, they are likely to be injured or even killed, according to safehorizon.org.
EFFECTS OF THE VIOLENCE
As Melanie was growing up, she was terrified of men. Whenever a man walked into the
room she would be glued to the closest female, regardless of if she knew him or not. She was
afraid that the way her father acted was how all men were. It was only when Melanies sisters
mother split up with Melanies father that Melanie realized that this was not normal fatherly
behavior. At 13 years old, Melanie was not sure how to react to this realization. She never had
friends over because she did not want them to know what her dad was like. She always made it
seem like her parents were just like everyone elses parents, that there was no fighting, no
punching, slapping, or choking.
Melanies fear of men did not stay within the boundaries of her home. While she did not
experience this problem in elementary school (due to having no male teachers), she noticed
during her middle and high school years that she would unconsciously avoid classes with male
teachers. She even avoided taking an eighth grade college prep class because it was taught by a
male.
Thats kind of how that can influence you, without you really understanding why youre
doing it, she said.

THE VIOLENCE DIRECTED AT MELANIE

By the time Melanie was 15 years old, her father had dated three other women, abusing
each of them. He was even able to convince one of the women to give up all visitation rights to
her child, simply because he didnt like him.
At 17 years old, Melanie found herself hating her father for everything he had done. On
July 4th, Melanie left her grandmothers house with some friends, accidentally leaving her cellular
phone behind. This, Melanie reasons, was not a big deal, as she had told her grandmother where
she was going. However, Melanies father became upset about her leaving the cell phone behind.
When Melanie returned to her grandmothers house, her father began to yell at her, telling
everyone else to leave and using a lot of profanity in the process of communicating the message.
He then hit the roof of Melanies car, denting it. Her father also threatened six times to hit her,
only holding back from doing so because he knew that if he did, he would go to prison for five
years.
Batterers sometimes beat or strike things in anger. This is done to exert fear from the victim and
manipulate them, according to the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence.

This was the first time the physical violence had ever been directed towards Melanie, and
it was hard for her to handle. She recalls that nobody stood up for her. Not her brother (who was
drinking), her grandmother (who figured she was being irresponsible and deserved it), her sister
(who was five years younger and could only cry), or any of the bystanders.
Melanie did not speak to her father for about a month after this occurrence; she was still
trying to internally figure out what she wanted to do. She eventually asked her dad if he wanted

to go to the town fair. When he said no, she went with some friends instead. While at the fair,
Melanie and her friends saw her father and went to say hello. Her father, however, did not return
the greeting. Instead, he looked over the top of everyones head and snarled, saying Fu** you
all, before walking off. Melanie was both angered and embarrassed by this incident. Her
brother talked to her father, and her father said that Melanie and her friends had been unsocial so
he never wanted to talk to her again.
Melanie spent the rest of the evening with her friends at the fair and then went to her
friends house to spend the night instead of going to her fathers house as planned. Nervous to be
found, she parked her car in a place where it could not be seen from the road. That night, her
father called her 42 times and left 15 voicemails. Some of the voicemails were asking where she
was and what she was doing, while others were swearing, name calling, threatening that he was
going to find her and she would be sorry.
The next day, Melanie made the decision that if this was how he was going to treat
women in his life, then he was not going to be part of her life. Melanie went home to her
mother, who noticed she was upset. When Melanie told her what had happened, her mother let
her know she was sorry. Her mother also stressed that she had to make the choice of whether or
not to keep her father in her life herself; she did not want to make that choice for her, but she
would be supportive in whatever choice Melanie made. She also said that it would be OK if
Melanie later changed her mind and chose to open up the door to a relationship with her father
again.
In January 2005, Melanie began college.
I COULDNT WAIT TO
GET OUT OF THAT
TOWN. MY DAD LIVED
IN THE SAME TOWN,
AND I WOULD BE
TERRIFIED EVERY TIME I
SAW HIM. YOU KIND OF
LIVE IN A FEAR

I couldnt wait to get out of that town, she said. My dad lived in the same town, and I
would be terrified every time I saw him. You kind of live in a fear if you see someone who looks
like him or if you see someone who wears the same clothes. It just brings back a lot of
memories, a lot of times where that wasnt what you wanted to remember.
Melanie eventually became engaged, and agreed to letting her father see where she went
to school. This was the first time they had spoken in three years.
About a year after the visit, Melanie and her husband were excited to find out they were
expecting. When Melanies daughter was born, she decided to let her father see his first
grandchild. They arranged a visit and everything went well until Melanie said she was not sure
if they would be back the next day or not to keep visiting. That night, Melanies husband
became ill and the family decided to head home. Melanies father, upset about not being able to
see his granddaughter longer, vented his anger at Melanie. He called her many terrible names
lost control over something nobody could help.
That was the last time Melanie spoke to her father, and her daughter will be seven years
old in May.

PROGRESS
The process of overcoming Melanies fear of men was slow and only possible through the
influences of loving men in her life. Her step-father was kind, as well as her great-grandfather.

She also saw the way her uncle treat his wife and saw that he was caring and nurturing towards
his childrenthe opposite of what her own father had been like. These men helped Melanie to
redefine how a man should treat his family.
The fear is not permanently gone, though.
Sometimes I feel like youre not ever over the
fear that someone is going to be that way, Melanie said.
But I have an awesome husband who is very caring, very
nurturing, and he understands that I may have a little more
sensitivity to things because of the way it was when I was

SOMETIME I FEEL
LIKE YOURE NOT
EVER OVER THE
FEAR THAT SOMEONE
IS GOING TO BE THAT
WAY.

a child.
The advice Melanie would give to abused women is to find the courage within yourself to
become a survivor, and to find the will within yourself to become something better than what
they think you are.

HOW TO STOP THE VIOLENCE

When it comes to domestic abuse, it is not a matter of race, class, or social standing. The
violence is not caused by any sort of illness, genetics, substance abuse, stress, the victims
behavior, or relationship problems. The batterer is not thinking impulsively and he or she is not
out of controlhe/she is working for his/her own benefit, forcibly making things go his/her way
whilst constantly changing what he/she wants, according to the Missouri Coalition Against
Domestic & Sexual Violence.

Domestic violence is a crime, and it needs to be treated the same way any other violent
act would be treated. In order for the problem to decrease, society needs to take a stand in
enforcing justice. This in turn will incentivize other batterers stop what they are doing to avoid
consequences, according to the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence.
Even if enforcing punishment on batterers does not make the batterers stop, it will give
the women more hope that they have a way out. As it stands, many women stay in their abusive
relationships because they feel like they will not have the support of the community. This sounds
farfetched when you think of it individuallyafter all, you are a good person, so you know that
if a woman came to you telling you she was being beaten, you would surely help her. However,
society as a whole says otherwise. When members of society hear a story of domestic abuse, we
tend to think of it in hindsight. It is a lot easier to question why she did not do this or that, or to
reason that if I were in that situation, I would have made this obvious choice, according to
Kosman.
Society also makes it harder for the victim to leave the situation due to the amount of
judgment given and lack of support. Melanie did not talk about the abuse she faced until she was
in college. She was hesitant to talk about it due to feeling she would be judged for it. She feared
the people would say how she should not have done something or tell her she should talk to her
father again, that things would be different now.
Society also tends to stand up for the perpetrator. Rather than focusing on what he did to
deserve the consequences, someone might focus on how much the perpetrator says he misses his
children. Matters are made even harder when the people who know the perpetrator have
positive thoughts about him. Limited interaction with the batterer may lead someone to conclude

that he is a nice guy and have thoughts about how he goes to the same church. Sometimes the
situation is even more difficult even when the batterer is a member of the police force (so the
victim thinks she would not have the support of the law enforcement) or a pastor (where the
victim would not have support of the church). In some cases, the victim may even be accused of
lying. All of these factors make leaving the situation even harder for the victim, and these are all
things that are based on societal reaction. When society decides the victim is to blame, the
victim will eventually decide that as well. And when society tells the victim all of the reasons
why the batterer had a reason to do what he did and his actions are excusable, the batterer wins
(Kosman).
A woman may also choose to stay because it feels safer to stay than to leave, particularly
if there are children involved. If the women leaves the relationship, the father might have
custody and this may put the children in a dangerous situation (Missouri Coalition Against
Domestic and Sexual Violence).
Regarding her personal feelings about someone telling a domestic abuse victim that they
should have left the situation, Melanie says that it is never that simple.
There is a lot that goes into leaving someone that you love and care about, and someone
that you think cares about you, she said. You know its wrong, you know you dont want to be
around it, but its your dad, or your mom, or someone else that is hard to leave. The person has
also instilled a lot of fear in you, so you begin to wonder what would happen if you leave and he
finds you. Or if you ever go back, what will happen? What if he sees you in a grocery store, will
he follow you, or hit you right there? The fear lingers, and it takes a lot of courage to walk away.

It takes strength within yourself to make that choice, no matter who the perpetrator is and what
role they play in your life.

MORE INFORMATION ABOUT DOMESTIC ABUSE

By Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
There are four types of abuse:

Physical abuse
Sexual violence and abuse
Psychological abuse
Economic/financial abuse

If someone you know is seeking help to leave their situation,

While every
situation
is different,
follow
the LIFE
process: batterers often share these characteristics:

Intimidation and
violence
physical
harm or threats
to embarrass/cut
Listen
In
a safe environment
and without
judgment,support/tell
secrets/kidnap children/commit
suicide
listen to her story.
Address her hopes and fears and
Verbally abusive ask
says
degrading
things
about
her current
resources. Assist her in creating
Minimizes abuseasafety
claimsplan.
she is exaggerating the abuse and tries to convince her it was
not that bad. Inform Tell her about local resources. Talk about
Substance abuse every
blames
drunkenness
an what
excuse
behavior
possible
scenarioasand
to for
do in
each one.
Breaks or strikes
things in anger
beats objects
or throwsher
things
near
her, breaks
Facilitate
Give assistance
in choosing
safety
plan
symbolic items (such
as tearing
a wedding
photo)
and make
specific
follow-up
plans
History of violence
Empower and assist her Give her support.
Projects blame blames the victim and does not take responsibility for his behavior
Cruelty to animals or children causes animals or children to suffer, has expectations
for child beyond ability, forces child to witness abuse of victim
Extreme jealousy
Controlling behavior considers own needs most important and often controls finances
and other parts of life
Isolation detaches her from resources, family, and friends
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde quickly changes mood
Rape or use of force in sex
Spiritual and religious abuse either misuses scripture to give allowance for the abuse
(gives emphasis to her need to forgive him and to be submissive to him) or convinces
her not to go to church because she is unwanted by her God and congregation
Use of privilege this can be a variety of things, anything from making her feel like a
servant in order to make big decisions (because he is the man of the house) to
threatening her immigration status.

As a listener, it is also important to:

Remain calm
Let victim decide her own pace for change
Explain all kinds of information thoroughly
Do not impose your own values
Encourage each woman to accept responsibility for her own future
Dont convey disappointment if a woman returns to the abusive relationship
(instead of making her feel as though she has disappointed you, tell her that you
have concern for her but respect her decision and let her know that you are
available if she needs you)
Be able to tolerate your own anger and the womans anger
Minimize educational, social and economic differences as much as possible do
not focus too much on your own history

Sources

10 Signs of Domestic Violence & Abuse. (n.d.). Retrieved April 23, 2015, from
http://www.safehorizon.org/page/10-signs-of-domestic-violence--abuse-291.html

Domestic Violence: Statistics & Facts. (n.d.). Retrieved April 23, 2015, from
http://www.safehorizon.org/page/domestic-violence-statistics--facts-52.html

*Green, Melanie. Personal interview. 3 March 2015.

Kosman, Meghann. Court/Victim Advocate for a local womens shelter. Personal

interview. 3 March 2015.

Statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved April 23, 2015, from http://ncadv.org/learn/statistics

Understanding the nature and dynamics of domestic violence. (2014). Jefferson City, Missouri:
MCADSV (Missouri Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence).

What is domestic violence? (n.d.). Retrieved April 23, 2015, from

http://ncadv.org/needsupport/what-is-domestic-violence