Koo 1

Frederick Koo

Professor Kevin Couther

Writing 102

6 December 2016

Final Anxiety

It was around 12am Monday morning, I just opened my first energy drink in an attempt

to stay up to study for a final that I had later that day. As I was nervously studying, I felt a sense

of regret. I started to ask myself, why did I not study for my thermodynamics exam earlier? Why

did I decide to go to that party on Saturday night, and end up sleeping in Sunday afternoon? Why

did I not immediately study after I woke up and decide to play video games instead? I felt like a

massive moron for not putting my studies before my social life. As I was beating myself up for

what I did, it suddenly hit me I dont have time for this. I have to go back to studying. There

were only ten hours left until my exam, and I still didnt know the material. So I finished

drinking my energy drink and proceeded to continue studying.

I opened my text book so that I could begin studying. I flipped the through the table of

contents and started reading the first chapter. As I read through the first chapter of the textbook, I

began to feel hopeful that I would pass this exam. Everything that I was reading seemed very

similar. I had remembered learning this material during class. After I had finished reading the

first chapter, I started to do practice problems based on the first chapter. As I was doing the

problems, I felt confident. I was able to complete the practice problems fairly easily without

looking at the answer key, and I was able to get the correct answer. I felt confident that I would

be able to achieve a decent grade on my final.

 Koo 2

Around an hour had passed since I began studying. It was now 1 am. I opened my

textbook again and started reading the second chapter. The confidence that I had gained from

breezing through the first chapter crumbled. Everything that was in the second chapter seemed

foreign to me. I didnt understand a single thing that I was reading. I felt utterly hopeless. It was

impossible to learn all the material in time. I had nine hours left until my exam, and in those nine

hours, I would have to go over nine more chapters worth of material. There was just no way I

could learn that much material in time. I took an hour just to learn the easiest chapter. Unless a

miracle occurred, there was just no way could I learn all the material in time. I considered

whether I should just give up and go to sleep now and wake up tomorrow morning to study, or if

I should just continue studying and learn as much material as I could.

I contemplated this decision for quite a while. I went back and forth between studying

and going to sleep. First I weighed the pros and cons of sleeping. I thought to myself Ill just

sleep for a few hours, and Ill wake up around 3am, and Ill be much more well rested and I

might actually absorb material better. Also if I sleep, Ill be much better rested when I actually

take my exam the next morning. But I definitely wont learn the material as well or I wont learn

all the material in time. But my bed looked so comfortable at the moment, and I wasnt really

absorbing any of the material I was reading, and it couldnt hurt that much for a quick three-hour

nap. I really wanted to give up, since in my eyes, all hope was lost. But first I considered the pros

and cons of staying up to study. If I did study I would definitely know a lot more of my material

going into my exam, but I would definitely be tired and groggy when I took my exam, and if I

did stay up, I might not be able to absorb all the information I was reading due to my exhaustion.

I also thought that since this final would be my last final of the semester, I could just go to sleep
 Koo 3

carefree after Im finished taking this final. After much debate, I decided it would be best if I

stayed up and studied.

So I did just that I spent the next few hours I had before the exam reading a chapter in the

textbook and then doing the practice problems that corresponded to that chapter. I continued this

trend until it was around 7am when I just broke down and gave up. I just stopped working, I

stopped studying, I stopped reading the textbook, I stopped doing practice problems and thought

about what I was doing with my life. I asked myself if struggling this much in college was really

worth it. Was college really the right path for me to take? I had an existential crisis during the

worst possible time.

Thoughts of giving up suddenly began to fill my head again. I began to question whether

I chose the right major. Did I really like this major? Am I really meant to be an engineer? I might

not actually be smart enough to be an engineer. Though I would like to become an engineer is

this path really for me. I dont really seem to enjoy a lot of my classes. I see most of my classes

as boring and a chore rather than being engaged in my classes. What if college just isnt for me?

Some people arent meant to go to college. What if Im one of those people? Theres absolutely

nothing wrong with dropping out of college and working instead. Plenty of successful people

drop out of college like Bill Gates, or Mark Zuckerberg. I could be just like them. Its completely

possible for me to successful without college. After all, if you are going the wrong way in life,

its much better to turn around and start going in the correct direction then to keep going in the

wrong direction. But then I thought of my parents and how much it would disappoint them. I

thought about how I had spent two years of their money already, and if I were to just drop out of

college all the money they spent would have been wasted. In addition to wasting my parents

money I took out loans for college. I would still have to pay those back even if I dropped out of
 Koo 4

college. Debts dont just disappear. I would still have to pay back around 10,000 dollars in loans

if I dropped out of school. Plus, if I dropped out now that would mean that the last two years of

my life were a huge waste of my and everyone elses time. I was having a nervous breakdown

with fewer than three hours until my exam. Even though I still had a few chapter to study, I

decided to take an hour nap to clear my head. I really did need to sleep, not only to clear my

head, but also to wake me up a little. So I set my alarm to 8:30 am, jumped in my bed, and

proceeded to take a nap.

At 8:30 am when I woke up from my nap, I felt really refreshed and awake. But it didnt

clear my head. I was still filled with doubt and hopelessness. With only an hour and a half left

until my exam, I couldnt deal with this at the moment. I couldnt have this negative emotion

looming over me and potentially causing me to do poorly on my exam. I had to find some way to

clear my head and relax me before the exam so that it didnt negatively affect me. So I decided to

get some breakfast before I took my exam.

So I packed my notes and all the essential equipment to take my exam and was out the

door. When I went outside I was hit in the face with a gust of cold wind. I was taking my exam in

the middle of December. As I was walking through the cold, shivering along the way, I was still

thinking about my future and what would become of it. No matter how hard I tried to clear my

head I couldnt. I continued this trend until I reached the dining hall. I reached the dining hall

around 9:15. That would give me half an hour to eat and fifteen minutes to walk to my testing

location. As I was eating my breakfast, I managed to push my thoughts aside. I told myself that if

I ended up passing this exam and getting a passing grade, I would continue down my path and

give it another chance, but if I failed this exam and as a result failed the class, my college days

would be over. By the time I finished eating, it was 9:45, so I threw out my trash and made my
 Koo 5

way to my exam. I walked for the next fifteen minutes until I reached my exam hall, and I pulled

open the door.

As I entered the exam hall, I saw a multitude of students. So I picked a random seat to sit

in and took my testing material out in preparation. I used the last few minutes before the exam to

quickly look over my notes and do some last minute studying. I studied for about ten minutes

until the professor entered the exam hall and handed out the exam along with the Scantron sheet.

I filled out my information in the Scantron sheet while waiting for the signal to start the exam.

Right after I had finished filling out my Scantron, the professor announced, you may start your

exam, so I did just that.

I flipped over my exam and turned to the first page of the exam. Some of the question on

the exam looked familiar, but many of the questions I didnt know how to solve. I flipped though

the exam, looking for question that I knew how to solve, or could solve easily. I flipped through

a majority of the exam before I could find questions I knew how to answer. There werent that

many question that I could answer confidently answer. I tried my best to solve as much as

possible. I had no choice but to guess on a majority of the exam because I simply did not know

how to solve a majority of the exam. By the time I finished all the questions and handed it in the

exam there was still half an hour left to take the exam. I was the first person to hand in the exam,

not because I knew all the material, but because I simply knew none of the material.

After I had handed in my exam I was defeated. I ended up going back to the dining hall

buying a pint of ice cream and eating it by myself in sorrow. I spent the rest of that day just

lounging around, playing on the computer, and not wanting to think about how I failed that

exam. Not wanting to feel the regret of not being more diligent and studying harder. But the

exam was over, there was nothing I could do, and no point in regretting what had happened.
 Koo 6

The next day it was time to leave and go back home for winter break. I packed my things

and went to the train station to catch my train home. It took around an hour and a half to reach

my destination. When I got to my destination, I called my mom and asked her to pick me up

from the train station. We lived fairly close to the train station, so it didnt take her long to get to

the train station. I put my belongings in the trunk of the car and sat in the passengers seat. After

a few minutes of driving, my mother asked me How was school, How were your exams? I

wanted to tell her the truth so badly. I wanted to tell her that I might have failed a final which

would result in a failing grade for the class. I wanted to tell her the pain I was going through in

college and tell her it just might not be for me. I might not be meant for college. I wanted to tell

her how I dont think I was meant to be an engineer and couldnt take it anymore. I couldnt

bring myself to tell my mom the truth. Sometimes lying is easier than telling the truth. I told my

mom that school was ok. I think that I did well in all my exams. I knew this was a lie, and once I

told it, the lie began eating away at me.

Around a week later, my mom asked me if my grades were up. I responded that I didnt

check yet. This was the truth, I hadnt checked yet because I feared my grades. Another week

had passed, and my mom asked the same question, and I gave the same response because I still

had not checked. My mom replied you should check tonight then. So I went to my computer

nervously. First I checked my exam grade. I went on Blackboard and clicked my grades. It

seemed like it took the page forever to load. When it loaded it displayed my exam grade, it was a

75. I was starting to cheer up, since I had gotten a decent grade. I had actually managed to get

enough questions right to get a passing grade. But just because I had gotten a decent grade on the

final, didnt mean that I had passed the class. So I decided to check the grade that I received for

the class next. I clicked on the link that would allow me to check my grade. I was so nervous at
 Koo 7

the time I couldnt handle it. I waited for the page to load, and it finally displayed my grade of a

B+. I was filled with joy that I had actually managed to pass that class. Not only did I pass the

class but I hadnt received a horrible grade. I went downstairs to tell my mom my grades and

how I had passed all my classes. Since I passed all my classes, I decided that I would stay in

college a little longer and give it some more time. I would give being an engineer another

chance. Despite my decision to stay in college, the internal struggle that I faced never stopped.

But I since I was staying in college I promised myself that I would never put myself in the same

situation again. I would never let my grades get so bad that whether I passed a class depended

solely on the final. I would also never leave studying until the last minute, I would study weeks

in advance. I promised myself that I would be a better student from now on.