Twelve Steps

to Restoring
Harmony in
Wounded
Relationships

©2010 by George A. Kohl

This Bible study course was written by Rev. George A. Kohl with gratitude for those who consulted and edited.
Rev. George A. Kohl may be contacted at Belmont Street Baptist Church, 25 Belmont Street, Worcester, MA 01605,
gakbsbc@verizon.net, 508-753-0312.All Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL
VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing
House and Hodder & Stoughton, Ltd. All rights reserved. The NIV does not capitalize pronouns related to deity and these materials
do. To remain faithful to the NIV, no changes were made when the NIV was being quoted.

DIRECTIONS: The course participant should attentively read the Scripture passage in the heading
and the reading that follows. While most readings are one page, a few are longer and a few are
shorter. A judgment on the pace at which you go through this course is up to you and your mentors,
teachers, or group leaders. There is no need to hurry. The emphasis should always be more on
practicing the Word than understanding its teachings. Mark the places where you have questions to
discuss with a mentor or group leader. In a separate notebook, honestly respond in writing to the
“Heart Checkups” that follow each reading. It is intended that you will spend several minutes
thinking and praying about the heart checkups. As with everything in life, you will only get as much
out of this course as you put into it. In Part 1 of this material we explore the nature of forgiveness.
In Part 2 we share twelve steps essential to restoring harmony in woulded relationships.
 Part 1
Readings 1-10

Understanding
Forgiveness

Before we expose you to the actual twelve steps to restoring harmony, you must understand
the nature of biblical forgiveness. That is what we will study in this part of this course.
 Reading 1
Forgiveness is a Gift
Ephesians 1:3-10; 2:4-10

On October 2, 2006, Charles Carl Roberts IV stormed into a one-room Amish schoolhouse
in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and shot ten Amish girls. He killed five of them before fatally turning
his gun on himself. Few people were prepared for the shocking thing that happened next. The parents
of the girls and the Amish community urged their people to avoid becoming hateful, to forgive Mr.
Roberts with help from God, and to not be spiteful toward his family. In fact, they reached out to
Robert’s family in compassion, expressing their sorrow over what his family was going through and
offering any help and support they could. The whole world watched with amazement as the Amish
community lived out the teachings of Christ.
What would cause you the most pain in life? Imagine that a drunk driver kills your spouse,
or someone murders your child, or your very best friend betrays you. You are not going to escape
feeling hurt, angry, and spiteful. As a Christ-follower, however, the Holy Spirit will quickly remind
you that you must forgive those who sin against you.
Forgiveness is God’s way for people to move forward in a fallen and broken world in which,
in spite of their best intentions, people deeply hurt each other. It is God’s way to begin healing
wounded relationships.
God has given each of us the responsibility to forgive those who trespass against us. No
matter how much someone hurts you, as a follower of Jesus Christ, you must forgive them as soon
as God enables you. No matter how angry and bitter you are, you must forgive as soon as possible.
God’s forgiveness is a gift of grace that God gives to someone who has hurt Him. Our
forgiveness is a gift of grace we give to someone who has hurt us.
Grace is giving someone something they do not deserve. The person who hurt you does not
deserve to be forgiven. Your forgiveness is a gift of grace you are giving to him out of the love and
compassion in God has put in your heart. You forgive your offender, not because he is entitled to
your forgiveness, but because it is the morally right and loving thing for you to do. It is a necessary
step in the process of restoring harmony in the relationship.
Depending on the severity of the hurt, forgiveness can be a costly gift for you to give to an
undeserving person. It was extremely costly for God to grant the gift of His forgiveness to us.
Forgiving gives us a taste of what God experiences in forgiving us.
In Christ believers have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance
with the riches of God's grace (Ephesians 1:7). God is extremely rich in grace. How rich in grace are
you? How generous of a forgiver are you?

Heart Checkup: What hurts would you find impossible to forgive? What hurts would the Lord
Jesus allow you not to forgive? How good are you at giving the gift of grace and forgiveness to the
people around you?
 Reading 2
What is Forgiveness?
Genesis 50:15-21

When Joseph was a teenager, his brothers were going to kill him but decided to sell him into
slavery. Think about what a terrible thing they did! He was ripped away from his father, friends,
homeland, and everything familiar. Having been treated as a prince at home, he was now treated as
a slave. It is hard to imagine what he was thinking as men looked him over and bartered for his price.
He was more wronged than most of us will ever be.
Joseph ended up a slave in Potiphar’s house. While there is much to the story, in the end he
rose to great heights of power in Egypt. When his brothers came to Egypt in search of food, they had
to talk to Joseph. He knew who they were but they did not know who he was. When he revealed his
identity, they were certain he was going to kill them. Instead, he forgave them.
Though Joseph looked sincere, the brothers had their doubts. They feared that the only reason
he did not kill them was to spare further grief to their aged father. When Jacob died, it created a new
crisis in the family. Joseph’s brothers feared for their lives and offered themselves to Joseph to be
his slaves. Joseph magnanimously countered, You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good
to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will
provide for you and your children. He reassured them that his promise of forgiveness was genuine
and he spoke kindly to them.
What is forgiveness? It is a promise you make to someone who has wronged you that you
will never again raise their offense (1) to them, (2) to others, and (3) to yourself.
First, when you forgive, you are promising that you will never again hold a specific offense
against the person who hurt you. It is all too common for people who have been hurt to continue
holding a grudge against the person who wronged them. It is God-like, however, to promise never
again raise the offense again. God keeps no record of the wrongs that have been forgiven. Psalm
130:3-4 says, If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there
is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. God keeps no record of wrongs, nor should you. In 1
Corinthians 13:5 it says, love keeps no record of wrongs. So, when you forgive a person, you are
promising him that you will never again bring up forgiven offenses.
Second, when you forgive, you are promising that you will not talk about the offense again
with others. When someone hurts you, it is natural to want to vent your emotions to someone, to
generate ill-feelings in others toward him, or to smear his reputation in the minds of others. It is
God’s will for you to promise that you will never do these things. The only time you can talk to
others about offenses is when you are seeking godly counsel to help you let go of the bitterness you
feel, to forgive, and to seek reconciliation. As you can see, the rightness or wrongness of talking to
others about an offense someone else did to you lies in your motives.
Third, when you forgive, you are promising not to raise an offense again in your own mind.
The promise is to avoid brooding as much as and as soon as possible. This may be the toughest of
the three promises to keep. After all, your mind is where the hurt is lodged. The only way to set
yourself free from brooding and bitterness is to start by committing yourself to not brood. With
God’s help and your cooperation, it can happen in time.
What does it mean to say those three simple words, “I forgive you?” It means you are
promising never to raise an offense again to your offended, to others, and to yourself. Joseph kept
his promises and we should keep ours.

Heart Checkup: Is there any offense you keep bringing up with someone who has offended you?
Is there someone toward whom you want others to have ill-feelings because of the ill feelings you
have toward him? Is their someone whose offense you cannot get out of your mind?
 Reading 3
Forgiveness & Feelings
Acts 7:51-60

Stephen left home one morning not at all knowing what the day would bring. He went out
to live his day for Christ and was arrested for being a leader in the Christian movement. He was tried
before the Sanhedrin where he was allowed to testify in his defense. He used this opportunity to
show that Jesus was the Christ, that the Sanhedrin killed the Christ, that the Christ rose again, and
that the Christ would forgive them upon repentance. They responded furiously at the proposition that
Jesus was the Christ and the accusation that they killed the Christ. They began to stone him to death
for blasphemy. There Stephen stuns us as he forgives those who were pelting him with stones. He
could not have felt like forgiving the people but was able to do so out of an act of his will that was
supernaturally enabled by God.
When someone hurts you, you immediately get angry and feel animosity toward him. This
is normal. It only means that your emotional system is working correctly. But, in the midst of these
emotions, the Holy Spirit will remind you that you have a moral obligation to forgive those that
trespass against you. The Spirit says this to you at a time when forgiving him is the last thing in the
world that you feel like doing.
It is common to feel like you are being a hypocrite if you grant forgiveness without feeling
like doing so in your heart. But think about this: If you wait until you feel like forgiving, you will
probably never forgive. You see, forgiveness is something we grant even though we do not feel like
offering it. It is this way with many acts of Christian kindness. You do not offer forgiveness because
you feel like it. You grant it because it is the morally right thing to do.
Forgiveness is a duty we perform out of love for those who sin against us even if we do not
feel like doing so. Love is thinking and acting in terms of another person’s best interests in spite of
how we feel or what it costs us. We forgive as an act of love, as an act of obedience to the will of
God, and as an act of the will. We don’t let our emotions stand in the way of doing the right thing.
While forgiveness is something we usually do in spite of how we feel, it opens the door for the anger
and animosity to leak out of us in much the way air often leaks out of a flat tire.
Forgiving does not eradicate the memory of the wound someone inflicted on you.
Circumstances will continue to trigger the memory of the hurtful word or deed. Those memories will
cause you to feel the hurt, anger, and animosity all over again. Then, as you remember your
forgiveness promises, you can get a grip on your heart again and settle the negative emotions down
again with help from God. You may go through this cycle many times before you feel like you have
finally and fully forgiven the person who hurt you. Hopefully, you will feel a little less anger and
animosity with each cycle until the day comes when you can remember the offense without feeling
any of the hurt, anger, and animosity that one went with it.

Heart Checkup: How often have you failed to forgive someone because you did not feel like
forgiving them? How often do you forgive people out of love by an act of your will in spite of how
you feel? How often have you experienced the memory of an offense without feeling all the pain,
rage, bitterness, and resentment that once went with it?
 Reading 4
Forgive & Forget
Jeremiah 31:31-34

We have debunked the myth that we must feel like forgiving in order to have sincerely
forgiven someone from our heart. We saw this as erroneous and unrealistic. In this reading we want
to confront an even more erroneous and unrealistic myth. Some people think that we must forget the
offense to say that we have finally and fully forgiven another.
In order to debunk this myth, we must deal with the Scriptures that say God forgives and
forgets (Psalm 25:7; Isaiah 43:25; 64:6; Jeremiah 31:34; Ezekiel 33:16; Hebrews 8:12; and 10:17.)
For example, Isaiah 43:25 says, I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.
Are we to take such verses literally? Does God literally forget our offenses? Is He not all
knowing? If He willed it, would He not be able to make a list of every person who ever lived and
every sin he ever committed? Taken literally such verses contradict the Scriptures teachings
regarding the omniscience of God.
These verses use a colloquial expression to mean that God will never again hold our forgiven
sins against us. He will never raise them again even on the Judgment Day. He will never throw them
back into our faces again.
It is unrealistic to ask someone to forget a hurt. How can we erase it from our memory?
Aren’t there hurtful words and deeds that have been done to you that will be remembered by you for
the rest of your life? The answer is “yes” and that doesn’t mean you have not forgiven. As long as
you are keeping your three promises, you have forgiven another even if you can still vividly
remember the hurtful words or deeds.
As we saw in our previous reading, working at keeping your three promises allows for an
offense to hurt less and less over time. Lord willing, the day will come when you can remember the
offense without experiencing hurt, anger, and animosity at all. Maybe the day will even come when
you do not remember the offense at all. But, whether that day ever comes or not, you can know that
you have fully forgiven another as long as you are keeping your three promises.
Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross, was once speaking at a special event. Also
scheduled to speak was a woman who had hurt her several years before. Mrs. Barton’s aide saw the
other woman’s name on the program, she leaned over and brought it to Barton’s attention. Barton
mentioned that she had already noticed it. The aide asked her, “Don’t you remember how she hurt
you?”
Barton responded, “No I don’t. I do distinctly remember forgetting it.”
That’s forgiveness! Mrs. Barton remembered the offense, but she also remembered that she
promised, at least in her own mind, that she was not going to raise that offense again.

Heart Checkup: Are there any offenses that someone has committed against you about which you
feel guilty because you cannot seem to forget it? In light of this reading, should you feel guilty?
 Reading 5
Forgiveness & Consequences
2 Samuel 12:1-19

A Christian minister in London was brutally beaten by three men with a bat. Laying
unconscious on the floor, they stepped over his body to enter the house. They brutally beat his
daughter’s boy friend who was in the house and then raped his daughter. The three thugs were
arrested shortly thereafter. On national television, a badly beaten minister amazed the nation by
publicly forgiving his assailants.
They were convicted of breaking the law and given a light sentence of three to five years in
the penitentiary. The minister publically criticized the sentences as being too lenient. The nation was
now abuzz in conversation and confused about the meaning of forgiveness.
The minister explained that he was never going to hold the charges against the men
personally and that God had helped him let go of his hurt, anger, and animosity. These men, the
minister insisted, would be welcome in his church and he would care for them as much as he cared
for the rest of his flock. Yet, he argued, the civil authorities have a responsibility to maintain civil
order in society and they are not going to be able to do that if they hand out such light sentences for
such grievous crimes.
Because a person is forgiven does not mean they are exempt from the consequences of their
actions. In the London case, a Christian has a responsibility to forgive and a judge has a
responsibility to uphold the laws of the land and do what is in society’s best interests.
God forgave the Israelites who rebelled against Him in the wilderness. At the same time, He
decreed that they would die without entering the promised land as a punishment for their rebellion.
(Num.14:20-23).
King David committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband killed. God forgave
David of his sins but still required David to pay fourfold for murdering a man. He paid with the death
of four sons–Bathsheba’s baby, Amnon, Absalom and Adonijah.
There are consequences we must pay for our sins against God in spite of His forgiveness.
Galatians 6:7 says, Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
Forgiveness means we can start our relationship with Him afresh. Consequences are just the natural
price we have to pay for our sins.
Forgiving others means that you can start your relationship anew. It does not obliterate the
natural consequences of a person’s choices. For example, an irresponsible father may request and
receive the forgiveness of his children. That doesn’t mean they are now going to feel close to him,
trust him, and act as though nothing ever happened. It only means that the door is now open to
rebuild the relationship.

Heart Checkup: Are you struggling with forgiving someone because you fear that forgiving them
will mean that they do not have to suffer the consequences of their actions? Don’t be afraid to
forgive. Can you see how forgiveness and consequences are separate matters?
 Reading 6
The Condition for Forgiveness
Luke 17:3-4

What must the person who hurt you do to receive your forgiveness? The Lord Jesus told us
in Luke 17:3-4 that he must apologize for what he has done.
This can come as a great disappointment to us. As sinful and selfish people, we often want
to require additional requirements. In addition to an apology, we may want to see an apology that
is accompanied by deep expressions of sorrow that convince us of another person’s sincerity and
seriousness. We may want to see behaviors and actions that persuade us that they really mean what
they said in their apology. We may want to put people on probation for a while to give them time to
prove they meant what they said. We may want guarantees that the offense will never happen again.
Sometimes we don’t know what we want; we just know that we want something more than an
apology.
Certainly, seeing an apology accompanied by these sorts of things make it easier for a hurt
person to forgive, however, the Lord said we must forgive when a person says, I repent. He said we
are to do this even if the offender is so careless that he has to apologize seven times in the same day
for the same offense. As a hurt person, you have no right to punish the person who hurt you with
further conditions and stipulations before you grant forgiveness.
According to 1 John 1:9, all a Christian has to do to receive God’s forgiveness is name his
sin as a sin in God’s eyes. In parallel fashion, all Luke 17:3-4 requires is that our offender confess
his sin implying a desire to stop doing it. To add further conditions is to require more than the Lord
requires.
Of course, the Lord can measure the sincerity of another’s heart with perfect accuracy and
we cannot. He knows that we cannot do that. In spite of the fact that He knows we can’t do it, He
still orders us to extend forgiveness upon a persons’s apology.
Some people mistakenly think that they are justified in holding on to their anger and
animosity toward someone who hurt them until that person apologizes for what they did. They
mistakenly think that they can continue to spite them or give them the cold shoulder until they
apologize. The Lord taught a different reaction. He instructed, Love your enemies, do good to those
who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-28).
Are we going to be Christ-followers in words only or also in deeds? Forgiveness does not
need to be earned by meeting man-made requirements. It is always a free gift of grace extended upon
one’s apology.

Heart Checkup: Is there anyone in your life for whom you are waiting for more than an apology
before you forgive them? Have you added any additional requirements beyond what the Lord
requires of them? Are you waiting to be fully persuaded of someone’s sincerity and seriousness
before you extend forgiveness?
 Reading 7
Poised to Forgive
Matthew 6:9-15

The emphasis of the Lord’s teachings on forgiveness is not on the specific conditions one
must meet in order to receive forgiveness. The emphasis of Scripture is on making us into generous
forgivers who are quick to forgive others. Our obsession with the requirements another must meet
is rooted in our sinful and selfish natures.
God stands poised to forgive at all times. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken
and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise (Psalm 51:17). No sin is too great for God to forgive.
As human offenses against God increased, His grace increased all the more (Romans 5:22).God
stands poised to forgive any sin as soon as a simple and sincere apology is made.
Like God, we are to stand poised to forgive any sin anyone commits against us as soon as a
simple and sincere apology is made. We may never be more like God in character than when we
stand poised to forgive those who trespass against us. How ready are you to forgive others?
The Lord taught us to ask our Father in Heaven to forgive us of our sins with the same level
of generosity with which we forgive those who hurt us (Matthew 6:12). That is quite a prayer! Do
you only want God to be as gracious and generous with His forgiveness of your sins as you are with
the sins of those who hurt you? The chief aim of the Matthew 6:12 prayer is to make gracious and
generous forgivers out of us.
What is the alternative? The only alternatives are vengeance and bitterness. Do you really
want to remain spiteful or resentful for the rest of your life? If not, you have no alternative but to
forgive.
In Colossians 3:13 it says you are to forgive whatever grievances you may have against one
another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Ultimately, to be in the will of God, you must stand
poised to forgive every person for every hurt they have inflicted on you. As soon as an offense
occurs, I must remind myself that I am ultimately going to have to forgive this person for that
offense. No sin committed against God is beyond God’s forgiveness. I should aim to make no sin
against me beyond my forgiveness.
By standing poised to forgive, you give your heart permission to begin letting go of all of the
hurt, anger, resentment, and animosity you hold toward the person who hurt you. If you don’t give
your heart such permission, you are only hurting yourself. You are allowing toxic waste to destroy
your body, soul, spirit, and relationships. This is especially true with your relationship with God. The
Lord Jesus said, For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matthew
6:14,15).
One might wonder. “What is the value of an apology if I can become such a generous
forgiver that I forgive those who hurt me without needing an apology from them?” All I can say is
that an apology makes it just a little easier for you to forgive.

Heart Checkup: Do you only want God to be as gracious and generous with His forgiveness of your
sins as you are with the sins of those who hurt you? How poised are you to forgive others for the
wrongs they commit against you?
 Reading 8
Finding It is Easier to Forgive
Matthew 18:21-22

It is easier to forgive a person when we see sincere signs of repentance on their part such as
sorrow, apologies, restitution, and guarantees of new behaviors. Sometimes it is easier to forgive
when we can understand why a person did what he did. It is usually easier to forgive an inadvertent
offense than an intentional one. But what can make it easier to forgive when there are no signs of
repentance whatsoever? Under such circumstances, are you permitted to hold on to your anger? Have
you no choice but to remain bitter and spiteful for the rest of your life?
In today’s Scripture reading the Lord Jesus teaches us that it easier to forgive others when
we understand that it is Christ’s will for us to become generous forgivers. The Lord said we should
forgive seventy seven times. Are we to take Him literally? Was He teaching us to keep meticulous
records of people’s offenses? Not at all. He was speaking in absurdities to make a point. His point
was that it is easier to forgive others when you understand that He wants His followers to become
generous forgivers.
We saw this same kind of absurdity in Luke 17:3. There He said, If your brother sins, rebuke
him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times
comes back to you and says, ”I repent,” forgive him. We would question the sincerity of someone
who hurts us seven times in a day and said “I’m sorry” each time. You see, the Lord Jesus is not
primarily dealing here with the person who is doing the hurting. He is primarily dealing with the
person who has been hurt. He is teaching the hurt person that it is easier to forgive others when you
develop a spiritual predisposition toward becoming a generous forgiver.
The Lord Jesus set an example for us. When the Romans came to the place called the Skull,
there they crucified him, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said,
"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:33-34).
If you dragged me away from my life, family, and friends, and crucified me, I would find it
difficult to forgive you. The Lord Jesus was a generous forgiver and He wants His followers to be
generous forgivers.
This world is rugged terrain. You are going to need a good set of shock absorbers. Being a
generous forgiver will make life go smoother for you.

Heart Checkup: Has someone hurt you from whom you are still waiting to see signs of repentance?
Are you entitled to such signs according to the Lord’s teachings? Are you becoming more and more
generous with the gift of forgiveness as you grow in the Lord? Are you becoming more and more
like Christ in this way?
 Reading 9
Making It is Easier to Forgive
Matthew 18:23-35

As we saw in the previous reading, it is easier to forgive when you understand that it is
Christ’s will for you to become a generous forgiver. In this reading we will see that it is easier when
you appreciate how much God has forgiven you. To make this point the Lord Jesus told the parable
of the unmerciful servant. In His story, the king was God, the people were sinners, and the debts
were sins that needed to be forgiven.
As the King started collecting, one debtor was brought before him who owed $100,000. His
situation was hopeless. The king ordered him, along with his wife, and children to be auctioned at
the slave market. The indebted man threw himself at the king's feet and begged for more time to
repay. The king realized the man could never pay back the loan. He realized that he was capable of
absorbing the losses. Moved with compassion, he completely cancelled the debt.
As the forgiven man walked out of the king’s palace, he encountered a friend who owed him
$10. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded the money. The borrower threw himself at the
lender’s feet and begged for mercy. The lender remained unmoved by the borrower’s hardship. He
could have absorbed the losses himself and cancelled the man’s debt. Instead, he had him thrown
into a debtor’s prison until his family could come up with the cash.
The king heard about this and was outraged. He said to the unmerciful man, “You evil
subject! I forgave your entire debt of $100,000 when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn't you have
been merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy on a $10 debt?” The king then ordered
that the unmerciful man be thrown into a debtor’s prison until he paid back his debt.
It is easier to forgive others when you appreciate how much you have been forgiven by God.
The hurts that others commit against you are few and small in comparison to those you have
committed against God. We do not fully appreciate how much God has forgiven us.
You would feel uncomfortable crawling around in the tunnels of a city sewer system. On the
other hand, a sewer rat is comfortable with its sights, odors, and flavors. Likewise, you are
comfortable with the sights, sounds, and flavors of a sin-filled world. You are accustomed to
crawling around in selfishness, dishonesty, pride, indifference, betrayal, sensuality, greed, anger, and
envy. Not so with God. He cannot tolerate a bit of evil in His presence (Habakkuk 1:13).
Imagine that you started sinning when you were five years old, that you sinned against God
a mere three times each day of your life, and that you died at the age of 70. You will have offended
God with 75,555 sins by the time you stood in judgment before the God who cannot tolerate a bit
of selfishness, dishonesty, pride, egotism, anxiety, indifference, betrayal, sensuality, greed, anger,
and envy in His presence. This is a frightening thought when you consider that the Bible teaches that
it only takes one sin against the perfectly pure God to condemn you forever. God is so pure that if
anyone commits a single sin against Him, he is just as worthy of condemnation as the person who
has broken every command (James 2:10).
Without a real understanding of the perfect purity of God and the perpetual impurity of
humankind, you cannot appreciate that God has forgiven you of $100,000. If you cannot appreciate
it, you are going to walk out of God’s presence, find people who have hurt you to the amount of $10,
grab them by the throat, and refuse to forgive them. You can see why it is easier to forgive others
when you appreciate how much you have been forgiven. The realization will help you become a
more generous forgiver.

Heart Checkup: How aware are you of God’s perfect purity, your perpetual impurity, your
worthiness of eternal condemnation, and the generosity of God’s forgiveness? How do these realities
effect the way you forgive those who owe you an apology?
 Reading 10
Questions About Forgiving
Exodus 22:1-15

Should restitution be made as part of the forgiveness process?

The person who hurt you does not need to make restitution in order for you to forgive them.
You just grant the promises of forgiveness when the person apologizes. A sincerely repentant person,
however, should offer to make some kind of restitution if it is possible. That willingness would make
it easier for the person he hurt to extend forgiveness. In most cases, however, restitution is
impossible. For example, if I say something hurtful to someone, how could I ever take my words
back? How could I make a repayment? For other offenses, I may be able to replace or repair
something. I am not sure, however, it is in the spirit of Christ for you to require an apology and
restitution before you grant your forgiveness.

Am I to forgive if the person hurts me multiple times?

In Luke 17:3-4 the Lord said that we are to forgive even if a person hurts us seven times a
day. In Matthew 18:21-22 He said that we are to forgive a person seventy-seven times. Clearly, our
Lord intends us to keep on forgiving even if the person hurts us again and again.

Is there anything else I can do if someone keeps hurting me besides keep forgiving them?
If a husband keeps on beating his wife, does she just keep on forgiving him? If an alcoholic
mother keeps neglecting her children, do her children just keep on forgiving her? If a drug abuser
keeps on stealing money from his parents, do they just keep on forgiving him? If a daughter keeps
belittling her parents in front of others, should they simply keep on forgiving her? The answer is
“yes” and “no.”
On the one hand, we are responsible to keep on forgiving those who keep on sinning against
us. God keeps on graciously forgiving people for the same sins against Him over and over again. We
must do the same (Colossians 3:13).
On the other hand, we should do more than just forgive. Love requires us to always thinks
and acts in terms of another’s best interests. It is not in the best interests of anyone to simply go on
forgiving the hurts of a person who has a character issue that keeps on hurting other people. The
character issue needs to be addressed by correction, discipline, punishment, rehabilitation,
counseling, legal action, or whatever. A loving person must decide, “What does this person need in
addition to my forgiveness? What will it take to help prevent this person from hurting me and
others?”

Have I forgiven a person if we do not become good friends again?

When we forgive another we are promising that the functioning of our relationship will not
be hindered by the memory of past hurts. It does not mean that we now act as if nothing ever
happened. Something did happen. The relationship has experienced a setback. Trust may have been
broken and may be in need of rebuilding. Love may not flow as freely back and forth as it did before.
When we forgive we are saying, “I forgive you. Now I want to begin rebuilding our relationship.”
Sometimes, after granting forgiveness, we can just pick up where we left off. Sometimes the
relationship may never return to what it was. And sometimes it gets better than ever. It all depends
on the nature of the hurt and the nature of the relationship before the hurt was inflicted.

Heart Checkup: Is there anyone who repeatedly hurts you? Are you able to keep forgiving him?
What does he need in addition to your forgiveness? What will it take to help prevent him from
hurting others?
 Part 2
Reading 11-24

The Twelve
Steps

“Twelve step programs” are very common self-help programs to help people deal with a wide
variety of issues. You can find twelve step programs to help people grapple with alcohol,
drugs, tobacco, swearing, overeating, sex, incest, rape, gambling, stealing, overspending,
self-mutilation, depression, and overworking. Most of these programs are based on the
original twelve step program developed by Alcoholics Anonymous. The Twelve Steps to
Restoring Harmony in Wounded Relationships has no relationship to any of those. It just so
happened that when I broke the biblical principles down into steps that they were twelve in
number. Nonetheless, I submit these steps to you as a helpful means to restoring harmony
in relationships. When a person is offended and hurt, a strong wall goes up around them that
can be very difficult to penetrate. These walls prevent people from being able to
communicate, pray, or work together as effectively as they did before the offense. In other
words, the relationship is no longer fully functional. For the relationship to become fully
functional again, the walls must be torn down. In this part of the course we explain how to
dismantle such walls. I have used these principles in my life and in counseling others. I think
you should keep them handy and use them to guide you through conflicts in your relationships
until they are a part of you. This biblical process works when we work the process.
 Reading 11
Step One: Damage Control
Proverbs 11:13; 13:3; 17:27-28; Romans 12:17-21

The Exxon Valdez was a large ship capable of carrying 1.5 million barrels of crude oil. It
struck the Bligh Reef on March 24, 1989 and created one of the worst man-made environmental
disasters of all time. Water quality, fish, sea otters, seals, sea birds, and marine plant life were all
threatened. A much larger area would have been effected if it weren’t for the gallant efforts of
government and private industry to limit the damage by putting netting all around the free-floating
crude oil. Investigations into what went wrong and lessons to be learned from this disaster all had
to wait. Damage control was the first concern.
The same is true when disaster strikes a relationship. Much work may need to be done to
restore the harmony but it must wait until the damage is contained. In relationships we practice
damage control by keeping the issue and by not retaliating.
First, we keep the matter as small and private as possible . When someone hurts you, your
first instinct is to tell someone–a spouse, a friend, a coworker. But is it really necessary that they
know? They may tell a few more people and, before you know it, the matter is more complex to
resolve. The damage has spread.
When someone hurts me, my first inclination is to tell my wife. I’ve discovered, however,
that my motives for wanting to do so are seldom pure. I may just want to vent my emotions or I may
want to create ill-feelings in my wife toward the person who hurt me. But, in the Proverbs, it is
deemed a lack of self-control to just vent my thoughts and emotions (Proverbs 10:19; 11:12; 13:3;
17:27-28). And it is a form of slander to try to generate ill-feelings toward another (Proverbs 10:18;
Ephesians 4:31; Titus 3:1-2; James 4:11). Slander is any attempt to hurt the reputation of another by
telling truths, half-truths, or lies about them. While venting and slandering are wrong motives for
talking to someone uninvolved in the offense, a legitimate reason would be to seek godly counsel
on how to restore harmony in the relationship.
Second, we must not retaliate. To retaliate means to hurt someone in return for hurting you.
There are many different ways in which we can avenge an offense. We can make the person who hurt
us feel terribly uncomfortable by yelling or throwing things. We might push, slap, or strike. We
might hurt the person by destroying property certain to upset them. We might hurl insults, speak
harshly, humiliate them in front of others, or destroy their reputation by slander. Sometimes we
refuse to talk and withhold kindness, affection, or sex. And sometimes we just throw the relationship
away and move on. The Scriptures clearly forbid retaliation in any form (Proverbs 20:22; Matthew
5:43-48; Romans 12:17-21; and 1 Thessalonians 5:15).
You are never justified for hurting a person in return for a person hurting you. If you hurt
someone, you have now committed a sin against that person for which you must apologize even if
that person committed the first in a string of offenses.
Retaliation only causes tensions between people to escalate. The disaster needs a mature
person to step up and stop the cycle. With God’s help, someone needs to break the cycle since
retaliatory strikes only make the original problem bigger and more complex to resolve. We must
practice damage control right from the start.

Heart Checkup: When someone hurts you, do you get the urge to tell others about it? Do you get
the urge to strike back? Have you apologized for all of the hurts you have caused to others even if
it was in return for the hurts they caused for you?
 Reading 12
Step Two: Try to Overlook the Offense
Luke 23:33-34

When someone hurts you, it is possible to fully and finally forgive him in your heart without
ever hearing an apology. We can make the promises of forgiveness without having seen or heard any
signs of sorrow or repentance. You saw this in your reading of Luke 23:33-34. There you saw the
ultimate example of this in our Lord Jesus when he hung on the cross. He said, Father, forgive them,
for they do not know what they are doing. I assume his desire was granted. Presumably, He gave
them the gift of forgiveness though they were not even seeking it.
We tend to see the Lord Jesus as being so different from us that we fail to think that His
example applies to our lives. But Stephen was a man just like us. Remember him from a previous
Scripture reading? By God’s grace, he was able to follow the example of Christ. As he was being
stoned to death he was heard praying, Lord, do not hold this sin against them.
It is a sign of spiritual growth in likeness to Christ to be able to overlook and forgive people
even if they show no signs of repentance. Proverbs 10:12 says, Hatred stirs up dissension, but love
covers over all wrongs. As an act of love we can give people the gift of forgiveness without them
even asking for it. And in Proverbs 19:11 it says, A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his
glory to overlook an offense. In other words, it is noble of a person to be able to overlook and forgive
more and more offenses committed against them by an act of their will without an offender even
seeking such forgiveness (Proverbs 12:16; 19:11; and 1 Peter 4:8).
If we can just overlook, forgive, and let a matter drop, we should do so. On the other hand,
if the offense keeps reentering our mind and inflicting hurt, anger, and animosity when it does, we
must go on to take additional steps.
Having grown spiritually since my new birth in 1970, I am now able to overlook many small
offenses that used to upset me. To some degree, I’ve just developed thicker skin over the years and
to some degree I’ve developed a bigger capacity to absorb hurts and forgive others. Yet to this day
people hurt me in ways that I just cannot shake off as much as I try. The offense continues to churn
within me and I just can’t let the matter go. I am sure I will experience hurts like this for the rest of
my life.
If we have tried to overlook an offense and just can’t let it go, we must be honest and humble
enough to admit it. We must then move on to take additional steps. There is no shame in doing so.
The Lord Jesus gave us additional steps to take. He anticipated we would need to do so.
God does not want hurts between Christ-followers to remain unresolved. He wants to bring
about permanent resolution to such issues. Unless they are permanently resolved God’s way, they
may keep resurfacing. One of the beautiful things about doing things God’s way is that hurts can get
resolved and laid to rest with finality.
Some people have never learned to deal with things in God’s way. In their hearts they have
mountains of unresolved or half-resolved hurts. Given the right set of circumstances, the lava of
unresolved hurts can erupt and reap havoc again in a relationship or in a group.

Heart Checkup: How overly sensitive are you? How thick skinned are you? How big of a capacity
do you have to just overlook offenses and let that be the end of the matter? How honest and humble
are you about admitting when you need to take additional steps? What is your track record in
resolving hurts in God’s way?
 Reading 13
Step Three: Take the Initiative to Resolve Things
Matthew 5:23-24 and 18:15

According to Matthew 5:23-24, who does the Lord make responsible to take the initiative to restore
harmony in a relationship–the person who hurt another or the person who has been hurt?
______________________________________________________________________________

According to Matthew 18:15, who does the Lord make responsible to take the initiative to restore
harmony in a relationship–the person who hurt another or the person who has been hurt?
______________________________________________________________________________

As you can see, whether you are the offender or the offended, the Lord holds you responsible
to take the initiative to restore harmony. I can think of at least three reasons why there is much
wisdom in Christ’s instructions!
First, He knows how uneasy and reluctant people are to resolve these kind of emotional
issues. Therefore, He puts 100% of the responsibility squarely on the shoulder of both the offender
and the offended. In this way, the job of reconciliation gets done.
Second, sometimes an offense is done inadvertently and the offender is not even aware that
he has hurt someone. For example, I once offended a woman. Apparently she was talking to me and
another person interrupted our conversation. I ended up conversing with that person and ignored her.
Had she not brought it to my attention at that later date, I would never have known that I had done
been so inconsiderate. Sometimes an offender is clueless that he has hurt another person. By the Lord
placing as much responsibility on the hurt person as the person who did the hurting, the Lord
addresses this problem.
Third, sometimes you wonder if you may have hurt someone but you are hoping he can just
overlook the offense if you did offend him. You are hoping the two of you can just move on without
having to talk about it. By one person opening up the topic for discussion, you can better assess the
situation and deal with it accordingly.
Can you see the wisdom behind God holding both the offended and the offender 100%
responsible for taking the initiative? If you hurt someone, you are fully responsible to initiate the
reconciliation. And if someone hurt you, you are fully responsible to initiate the reconciliation. Plan
on taking the initiative to pursue reconciliation no matter who did what in whatever chronological
order.

Heart Checkup: Are you involved in any disharmonious relationships? Is there any reason why you
should not take the initiative to seek reconciliation in these relationships?
 Reading 14
Step Four: Identify the Hurts You Caused
Matthew 7:1-5

Sometimes I counsel conflicted couples. If they have grievances against each other, I hand
them both a blank sheet of paper. I ask them to write down all of the ways their spouse is hurting
them. I watch as they furiously jot down grudge after grudge. When they are done with that exercise,
I ask them to flip the sheet over and write down all of the ways they have hurt the other. I watch with
amazement and amusement as they suddenly look like they are pondering a very difficult exam
question. The whole exercise demonstrates the reality of Matthew 7:2-5 and human nature. We tend
to minimize our faults and magnify the faults of others. To us the exact same fault in others looks
much larger than it does in us. When we offend others, we perceive our offense as being less hurtful
than does the person we hurt.
When embroiled in conflict, we tend to see the other person as being more at fault for the
conflict than ourselves. In light of the Lord’s words in Matthew 7:2-5, are we capable of being
objective? When embroiled in a conflict we must remind ourselves that we are not objective and put
great effort into trying to be objective.
Let’s imagine that somehow we could make an objective measurement of how much you are
at fault in a conflict and how much the other person is at fault. Let’s imagine that you are 10% of the
overall problem and the other person is 90% at fault. According to the Lord’s words recorded in
Matthew 7:2-5, you are responsible to apologize for the hurts you caused. You are responsible to
apologize even if the other person is 90% of the problem. You are responsible to apologize for your
wrongs even if the other person started the whole problem.
The first thing you are responsible to do in any conflict is to apologize for the hurts that you
caused to the person. Your goal is to do right in the eyes of the Lord whether the other person
reciprocates or not. Identify your wrongs and apologize for them.
In my personal experience and counseling, I have observed that when one person takes the
initiative to apologize, the other person often reciprocates with apologies of their own. Your apology
does something to change the psychological landscape of the dispute. It can make the other person
less defensive and more willing to apologize for their wrongs.
While this is often the case, it is not always so. Some people are non-apologetic. They have
a perverse aversion to apologizing. They cannot bring themselves to apologize for anything they do
wrong. They are usually very hurt, fragile, or prideful people. When you apologize to a non-
apologetic person, you must not expect any reciprocation. In fact, your apology may make the non-
apologetic person feel more justified. They might think or even say, “I knew all along that you were
at fault. I’m glad you now see that I was right. I’m glad you now see that our problem is primarily
attributable to you.” This kind of person has serious log-in-the-eye issues. He is blind to his faults.
He has trouble taking responsibility for his actions. He has a scary ability to shift the blame for his
faults onto others. But, even when you are facing a non-apologetic person, you must take
responsibility for the hurts you caused and apologize for them. Your must do what is right in the eyes
of the Lord whether the other person does or not.
In the case of a non-apologetic person, beyond apologizing and forgiving, you should do what
you can to influence the person get some help in removing the log embedded in the eyes of his heart.
Obviously, he is less capable of removing it by himself as most people are with the help of the Lord.

Heart Checkup: Have you noticed the natural, human tendency to magnify the faults of others and
minimize their own? Are you holding back on any apologies you owe to others because you see them
as being primarily at fault or as being the one who inflicted the first hurt? In light of Matthew 7:2-5,
what does the Lord Jesus want you to do?
 Reading 15
Step Five: Apologize for Your Wrongs
Matthew 5:21-26

The altar upon which people presented their gifts to God was in Jerusalem. For someone
from Galilee, as the Lord Jesus was, reconciling with your brother before offering your gift involved
a week or more of travel. This shows how important it is for brothers to be reconciled in the Lord’s
mind.
The Lord taught us to apologize to the people we hurt. He instructed us to take care of the
matter as soon as it was mutually convenient. He taught us to apologize face-to-face, person-to-
person, eye-to-eye. Obviously, we will want to find a setting that is as private and distraction free
as possible. The fact that we felt sorry enough for our offense that we sought out the person
communicates much in terms of our sincerity. Furthermore, nearly fifty percent of what we
communicate to others is communicated by our tone of voice and body language. Therein lies the
value of getting together face to face.
Sometimes it is possible to meet with a person face to face but we want to take a more
cowardly and less direct approach. We may be tempted to apologize over the phone or in writing.
Feelings of anxiety are not a legitimate excuse to ignore the Lord’s teachings. The Lord will give
words and boldness to those seeking to do His will.
Apologies over the phone or in writing may be adequate depending on the extent of the hurt
and the strength of the relationship. Phone apologies offer tone of voice but lack that all important
body language. Written apologies lack both inflection of voice and body language.
If a person lives far enough away that contact is unreasonable, you may have to make a phone
call or write a letter. Be extremely careful when writing. Sometimes the best sentences can be
understood in two or more ways. Remember, your reader cannot hear the inflections of your voice
that you put into the writing of your letter. The reader might read an inflection into it that totally
changes the meaning you intended. Check your words over and over again. Maybe have a
trustworthy friend read it. Writing apologies is a very tricky business.
I think apologizing in writing is the right thing to do when breaking off an immoral, romantic
involvement. Couples in such relationships often feel ambivalent about breaking up. Emotional
attachments, tears, pleas, and unfinished business sometimes make it difficult to totally do the right
thing. Sometimes things said leave the door open for a return to involvement in the future. Therefore,
it is usually best to break off such relationships in clear, unambiguous language.
Apologizing often produces high levels of anxiety. Since we are choosing to do the right
thing, we might as well get the most out of our apology as possible. There are certain things you can
do to make your apology more effective.
First, apologize specifically. It is not enough to simply say, “I’m sorry” or “If I did something
wrong, please forgive me.” It is better to say something like, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I
embarrassed you in front of our Bible study group.” Your apology will be more effective if you are
specific about what you did.
Second, apologize forthrightly. The time for explaining or rationalizing your behavior is not
while you are apologizing. These only negate or reduce the effectiveness of your apology. You can
see this in this example: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I embarrassed you in front of our Bible
study group. I had a rough day and I was cranky.” All you are really trying to do with such
explanations is save some face. The person you are apologizing to doesn’t want you to save face.
They want to know that you are sorry from the bottom of your heart. And don’t cloud the issue by
assigning blame to others by adding something like, “I admit I was wrong but you also contributed
to the problem.” It is better to just take full responsibility for your actions. The reasons for your
wrong behaviors never justify them. It may be permissible to discuss excuses at another time but not
at the time you are apologizing.
 Third, ask the person to forgive you. By doing this you communicate that you realize you
have done wrong and that you are in need of the person’s forgiveness.
The following technique has proven to be effective in my apologies and in my counseling:
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I embarrassed you in front of our Bible study group (specifically
name your offense). Would you please forgive me?”
Another way to say it is, “God has convicted me of how wrong I was when I embarrassed you
in front of our Bible study group (specifically name your offense). Would you please forgive me?”
When it comes to apologizing, I’ve discovered that less is more. You do not need to talk
long. You need to get right to the point.
Even with a “perfect” apology, you shouldn’t necessarily expect a person to forgive you
immediately. Give the person time to process the offense and your apology. Accept the fact that you
have done the right thing and hope for the best result–a granting of forgiveness. By making a good
apology you have made it easier for the person you hurt to forgive you.
When the Lord Jesus said, go and be reconciled to your brother, He used tenses that implied
that we are to make a repeated effort. Apologizing is not necessarily a once and done action. After
a reasonable number of days, you may need to say something like, “I want you to know that I am still
very sorry that I embarrassed you in front of our Bible study group. I really hope you will find it in
your heart to forgive me.”
If the person never forgives you, you will at least have a clear conscience before God just
knowing that you did what the Lord required of you. You can be at peace with that.

Heart Checkup: Is there anyone you have hurt to whom the Lord Jesus wants you to apologize?
Is there anyone you attempted to reconcile with in the past for whom the Lord Jesus wants you to
make another attempt? What steps do you have to take this very day to begin making things right
with someone that you have hurt?
 Reading 16
Step Six: Ask God for His Forgiveness
1 John 1:5-10

Whenever you hurt another person, you also hurt God. That means that you have sinned
against another and against God. In addition to apologizing to the person you hurt, you must also
apologize to God for hurting someone that He deeply loves.
Chronologically, I’m not sure how much it matters to God if we first apologize to Him or the
person we offended as long as we apologize to both in the end. Apologizing to God first may have
a psychological advantage in that it is easier to apologize to God than our fellowman and He is
quicker to forgive. So it is nice just to get that out of the way. On the other hand, the Lord did say
that if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something
against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother;
then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-24). Apologizing to another before apologizing to God
would be prescribed by this verse if the gift is a sin or trespass offering. But if it is a thanksgiving
offering, then it is not prescribed. In the end, I don’t think which apology comes first is a big deal.
1 John 1:9 says, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and
purify us from all unrighteousness. The Greek word for confess is homologomen. It literally means
to say the same thing as another. When you confess your sin, you are agreeing with God’s
assessment that what you did was a sin. In this case, you are admitting that you have wronged
another and, thereby, wronged Him.
After agreeing with God’s assessment of the situation, you are to request His forgiveness.
Our Lord taught us to request, Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors (Matthew
6:12). King David’s request sounded like this: Have mercy on me, O God, according to your
unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my
iniquity and cleanse me from my sin (Psalm 51:1-2).
After asking for forgiveness, you must accept it. David did. He wrote: Blessed is he whose
transgressions are forgiven . . . When I kept silent . . . day and night your hand was heavy upon me
. . . Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my
transgressions to the LORD"– and you forgave the guilt of my sin (Psalm 32:1-5).
How did David know he was forgiven after he confessed his sin? Did the clouds spell it out
across the sky or a bolt of lightning etch it in some boulder? Did he suddenly get some kind of tingly
feeling inside as a sign? No! He knew it in the same way that we know it. We know it on the basis
of God’s Word. First, God’s word says that it is God’s promise to forgive those who repent as we
see in 1 John 1:9. Second, God’s Word says it is His nature to forgive. The Lord is compassionate
and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his
anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For
as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the
east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion
on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are
formed, he remembers that we are dust (Psalm 103:8-14).
After accepting His forgiveness, it is only natural to thank Him for it. King David sang,
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my
soul, and forget not all his benefits–who forgives all your sins . . . (Psalm 103:1-3).

Heart Checkup: Are you aware of any wrongs you committed against another for which you have
not requested the Lord’s forgiveness? If so, ask the Lord to forgive you for those specific wrongs.
If not, then ask the Lord in a more general way to cleanse you from all the wrongs you have
committed against others. In either case, accept His forgiveness and give Him praise for it.
 Reading 17
Step Seven: Prepare Yourself to Forgive
Ephesians 4:29-5:2

The next step, step eight, is to request an apology from the person who hurt us. But what
good would it do to request an apology if we have no intention to forgive when we hear that
apology? As a result, I have inserted step seven as an intermediary step between your confession of
wrongdoing and trying to solicit a confession from another. Step seven is that you must prepare
yourself to forgive.
Preparing to forgive involves everything we discussed in Part 1 on Understanding
Forgiveness. In this reading we will review the main points you must consider as you prepare to
forgive. I’ve included the reading numbers in case you need further review.

• God has given you the responsibility to forgive those who trespass against you. No matter
how much someone hurts you, you must forgive him as soon as God enables me to do so.
(Reading 25)

• Like God’s forgiveness, your forgiveness is a gift of grace. You are being kind to someone
who does not deserve your kindness and forgiveness. (Reading 25)

• You do not have to feel like forgiving in order to sincerely forgive. Forgiveness is usually
an act of the will that goes contrary to the way that you feel. You forgive others because it
is the morally right thing to do, not because you feel like it. (Reading 25)

• When you forgive you are making a three-fold promise to the person. You promise that you
will never raise the offense again (1) to him, (2) to others, and (3) to yourself. (Reading 26)

• Forgiving is a process; not a singular act. Forgiving may start as an act but it often takes time
to feel like you have finally and fully forgiven. With God’s help the day will come when you
can remember the offense without it triggering hurt, anger, and animosity. But, as long as you
are keeping your three promises, you have forgiven the person even if you can still feel the
hurt. (Readings 26-28)

• Forgiveness does not mean that you must act as though nothing ever happened. When
someone hurts you, your relationship with that person suffered a set back. Forgiveness
merely opens the door to rebuild the relationship beginning at whatever point to which it has
been set back. (Reading 29)

• Just because you personally forgive someone does not mean they are exempt from the natural
consequences of their behavior and prosecution by the law. (Reading 29)

• All one must do to receive your forgiveness is apologize. You have no right to require more.
You are not justified in holding on to your anger and animosity until the person who hurt you
apologizes and meets additional requirements. You must love, bless, and pray for the people
who hurt and hate you. (Reading 30)

• The emphasis of the Scriptures is not on the specific conditions others must meet to receive
your forgiveness. Their emphasis is on making you into a gracious and generous forgiver like
God. After all, what is the alternative? If you don’t forgive, you are only hurting yourself and
your relationship to God. (Reading 31)
• Ultimately, to be in the will of God, you must stand poised to forgive every person for every
hurt they have inflicted on you. As soon as an offense occurs, you must remind yourself that
you are ultimately going to have to forgive this person. (Reading 31)

• No sin committed against God is unforgivable for God. You should make it your aim that
no sin committed against you will be unforgivable. (Reading 31)

• It is easier to forgive a person when you see sincere signs of repentance such as sorrow,
apologies, restitution, improved behavior etc. It is easier to forgive when you can understand
why your offender did what he did. It is easier to forgive for an inadvertent offense than an
intentional one. But what can make it easier to forgive when the person who hurt us has not
made it any easier to forgive? The Lord Jesus teaches us that it is easier to forgive others
when you understand that it is the will of Christ for you to become a generous forgiver and
you appreciate how much God has forgiven you. (Readings 32 & 33)

• On the one hand, the Lord intends us to keep on forgiving even if the person hurts us again
and again. On the other hand, we should do more than just forgive. Love requires you to
always think and act in terms of another’s best interests. It is not in a person’s best interest
to simply be forgiven of their repeated wrongs if they have a character issue that is only
going to keep hurting others. Repeated wrongs also need further action like correction,
discipline, punishment, rehabilitation, counseling, or legal action. (Reading 34)

• Sometimes, after forgiveness, we can just pick up where we left off. Sometimes the
relationship may never return to where it was. And sometimes it is better than ever. It all
depends on the nature of the hurt, the nature of the relationship before the hurt, and how
much effort people are willing to put into rebuilding the trust and the relationship. (Reading
34A)

Clearly, it is God’s will that every wall of separation between Christ-followers be torn down
and that harmonious relationships be restored. This is reconciliation.

Heart Checkup: As you prepare to forgive, what do you need to realize, believe, or do in light of
God’s Word and will? What is really hindering you from offering forgiveness to the people who
have hurt you?
 Reading 18
Step Eight: Request an Apology
Matthew 18:15

The Lord taught us to request an apology from a person who said or did something hurtful
to us (Matthew 18:15). Now that you are poised to forgive, you are prepared to ask for that apology.
As in all things, love should be your chief motive, reconciliation your goal, and gentleness your
approach. While you may be hurt and tempted to be mean, it will take gentleness on your part to de-
escalate the tensions. As it says in Proverbs 15:1, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh
word stirs up anger. The more gentle you are in approaching another person, the more effective you
are going to be at persuading them to apologize to you. The harsher you are, the more prolonged that
process will be.
The basic request for an apology that I recommend is to say something like this: “You hurt
me when you __________ (state the offense). It would mean so much to me if you would apologize
for it.” You can customize the basic request according to the nature of the wrong done and your
relationship with the person. Space would not permit us to write up a sample for every potential
variation. That is where wisdom from God and guidance from the Holy Spirit are necessary.
In my personal experience and in my counseling, I have found that this approach usually
solicits an immediate apology from the person who hurt you. It is always possible, however, that he
will not apologize on the spot. He may need more time to process the matter.
Sometimes people cannot humble themselves enough to immediately apologize. They are
embarrassed that you are confronting them or that they did what they did. They often fire back
initially with a defensive response. They try to show that you are wrong or that you misunderstood
the situation. They may respond with an excuse, rationalization, or justification instead of an
apology. This is a common response.
Sometimes they are not sure they really did anything wrong to you. You must be open to the
possibility that maybe you did misunderstand the situation. You mustn’t let your pride prevent you
from apologizing for a misinformed confrontation.
Sometimes they do not know how to apologize. In fact, some people never verbally apologize
for anything. For some it is a sign of weakness to apologize. For others it is a matter of pride. They,
like all of us, must learn how to apologize. The Lord has a teaching method for teaching them how
to apologize that we will explore in the next few readings. There are many reasons why you may not
immediately get the apology for which you were hoping.
At first glance, it appears that this attempt to solicit an apology is a singular attempt but the
tense of the verbs can be translated, “If your brother sins against you, keep showing him his error just
between the two of you.” In other words, this step is not necessarily a once and done step. To solicit
an apology may require several attempts.
No guidelines are given in the Scriptures as to how soon after your first attempt you should
make another attempt and then another. And there are no guidelines on how many attempts you
should make in all. For guidance on such matters you must ask God and follow the leading of the
Holy Spirit. A guideline you might consider is that as long as you sense there is still hope for
progress, keep on trying. When it seems like you’ve lost hope for progress, move on to the next step.

Heart Checkup: List any people in your life who have said or done things that have hurt you for
which they have not apologized and you have not forgiven. Have you requested an apology from
them? If not, why not? What does the Lord Jesus want you to do? Are you going to do it? Is it time
for you to make another attempt at reconciling or is it time for you to move on to the next step?
 Reading 19
Step Nine: Try Mediation
Matthew 18:16

If you were successful at soliciting an apology as a result of Step Eight,

you may skip Step Nine and Step Ten.

If you were not successful at soliciting an apology in private discussions, the Lord Jesus
instructs you to take one or two others along with you to the next meeting. It is clear in the passage
that the primary role of the people you take along is to serve as witnesses to your attempt to solicit
an apology. This is obvious from the quotation of Deuteronomy 19:15 in Matthew 18:16. It says you
take them along so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.
You are considered one witness and the person you brought along is a second. While you
may bring along yet another witness, you should not involve more than a total of two others. Once
again, you are trying to keep the problem as small and contained as possible. All you need is enough
witnesses to convict the person who is refusing to apologize.
There is no violation of Scripture if the people you brought with you also serve as mediators
while serving as witnesses. In fact, it is almost a natural thing for a Christian to do. It is a Christian
responsibility to serve as a peacemaker in all circumstances where there is conflict (Matthew 5:9).
In 1 Corinthians 6:1-5 Christ’s apostle Paul is dealing with the matter of Christians taking
one another to civil court. In his discussion there is a principle that can be applied to your situation.
He says, If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment
instead of before the saints? Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you are
to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge
angels? How much more the things of this life! Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters,
appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! I say this to shame you. Is it possible that
there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? Based on Paul’s
statements, you should be able to find some good brothers in the church who could mediate your
conflict! The ideal people (of which there are none) would be people who are godly, highly
respected, impartial, loving, and fairminded. It is unadvisable to simply take along a friend who is
biased toward you.
There is no indication in the Greek that this needs to be more than a singular meeting but
prudence and guidance from God can lead you in making that judgment call. If the person who hurt
you refuses to apologize ore even to meet, you would go on to the next step as outlined by the Lord
Jesus.

Heart Checkup: What do you need to do in light of this reading? Is it time to bring a witness or two
into your attempts at reconciliation?
 Reading 20
Step Ten: Practice Church Discipline
Matthew 18:17; 2 Corinthians 5:5-11

If you were successful at soliciting an apology as a result of Step Eight or Step Nine,
you may skip this step and proceed to Step Eleven.

With the backing of a witness or two who have witnessed your inability to reconcile with the
person who hurt you, the Lord Jesus said you are to tell it to the church. He did not mean that you
are now free to tell everybody in the church about the hurtful thing someone did to you. Rather, you
are tell it to the church by starting with the spiritual leaders. Your leaders can lead you through the
process of reconciliation and church discipline. Each church has it’s own procedures for handling
such issues.
Your church leaders will make one last attempt at helping you reconcile even though they
may end up serving as judges. As they listen to your complaint, the testimony of your one or two
witnesses, and the perspective of the person who hurt you, they will have to make a judgment call
based on the principles of God’s Word and the leading of the Holy Spirit. In the end, if your offender
owes you an apology and refuses to grant it, the leaders must guide the church through a process of
disciplining your offender.
The purpose of church discipline is not to discard relationships but to motivate a wayward
person (in this case the offender) to repent (1 Timothy 1:20; 2 Thessalonians 3:14,15; 1 Corinthians
5:5, 9, 11; 2 Corinthians 2:5-8). This process must be carried out lovingly, uncompromisingly, and
prayerfully.
In 1 Corinthians 5, a man was disciplined by the church. As a result, the man repented. Even
after repenting, the people of the church continued to ostracize him. As a result, the repentant sinner
was filled with sorrow over the rejection by people he loved and that once loved him. The Apostle
Paul told the people that they were acting improperly toward the repentant person. He instructed
them to forgive, comfort, and accept him back into the fellowship. You see, the purpose of church
discipline is not to discard relationships but to motivate a wayward person to repent.
When churches are serious about following these teachings of Christ, most conflicts are
resolved in their early stages. This leads to higher levels of relational harmony in the church. If
people are allowed to go unreconciled within the church and undisciplined by the church, conflict
will be allowed to breed and grow unrestrained within the church.

Heart Checkup: What do you need to do in light of this reading of God’s Word and will? Is it time
to tell it to the church?
 Reading 21
Step Eleven: Extend Forgiveness
Colossians 3:12-14

After someone has apologized to you, you have a responsibility to grant forgiveness to them.
The best way to accept a person’s apology is to state exactly what it is that you are forgiving. There
is something tremendously powerful about everyone being specific.
When we say things like “That’s okay” or “Don’t worry about it” or “Forget about it,” we
are not being specific. Vague apologies and acceptances of apologies do not always bring permanent
resolution to an offense. If a conflict is complicated, sometimes the offender and the offended are
not even talking about the same thing at the same time. Getting specific goes a long way in
permanently resolving issues.
A model apology might sound something like this: “Thank you for your apology. I forgive
you for criticizing me in front of others at the meeting the other day (or whatever the offense was).”
As always, you will have to customize your acceptance as the special circumstances dictate. Again,
space does not permit me to write a sample for every situation. Working off of this model, you can
seek wisdom from God and leading of the Holy Spirit. Generally speaking, less is more when it is
sincere and specific.
By accepting another’s apology and forgiving them you are making a three-fold promise to
them. First, you are promising that you will not hold the offense against the person who hurt you.
Second, you are promising that you will not talk about the offense with others. That means that you
will not vent your emotions to others, try to create ill-feelings in others toward the person you have
forgiven, or try to smear his reputation. Third, you are promising that you will keep putting the
offense out of your mind whenever you think about it until it is finally and fully forgiven.

Heart Checkup: Is there anyone who apologized to you that you have not forgiven? What does the
Lord want you to do about it?
 Reading 22
Step Twelve: Rebuild the Relationship (Part 1)
Learning to Be Trustworthy
Galatians 5:22-26; 1 Timothy 4:11-12

Clearly, it is God’s will that harmonious relationships be reestablished after they have been
hurt by an offense. He does not want us to act like, “I forgive you and now I want nothing more to
do with you.” He is greatly pleased and glorified when we reconcile, not just forgive.
Reconciliation begins with an act of forgiveness although it does not end there. In
reconciliation we start to rebuild our relationship afresh and anew.
After a severe hurt, we rarely pick up where we left off before the offense. Usually the
relationship has suffered a setback and we pick up from there. Forgiveness does not mean we just
act as though nothing ever happened. Something did happen and the relationship has been damaged.
Forgiveness simply opens the door for a relationship to be rebuilt.
There is much involved in building and rebuilding relationships. Some of the major keys to
rebuilding relationships are listed in what follows:

• Honesty - never lying, stealing, or cheating

• Veracity - consistently telling the truth, saying what you mean and meaning what you say,
keeping your promises, being where you say you are, etc.

• Dependability - consistently following through on what you say you are going to do

• Priority - consistently putting the more important things of life ahead of the less important

• Spirituality - consistently living in reverence and fear of God

• Purity - consistently having a reputation of always doing the right thing in every
circumstance with the purest of motives in mind

• Accountability - consistently allowing another person to question us and check up on us or

any area of our lives

• Charity (Love) - consistently putting the needs and desires of others ahead of your own

Look how many times we used the word “consistently!” There lies the key to rebuilding trust.
By doing all these things on a steady basis without failure will rebuild the trust and the relationship
again.
In the nineteenth century, we had a terrible civil war in the United States. It was between the
northern states and the southern states. In the end the South surrendered to the North. Our president
at the time was Abraham Lincoln. Some people were advising him to punish the South for their
rebellion. One advisor said, “Mr. Lincoln, I believe in destroying my enemies.” Lincoln responded,
“I too believe in destroying my enemies. It’s just that I believe in destroying them by making them
my friends.” That’s reconciliation! That should be our goal with everyone who hurts us.

Heart Checkup: Are there people you have forgiven with whom you decided to have nothing more
to do? Have you reconciled with them or have you just forgiven them? What does the Lord Jesus
want you to do to make them your friends or, at least, establish a civil relationship?
 Reading 23
Step Twelve: Rebuild the Relationship (Part 2)
Learning to Trust Again
1 Corinthians 13:1-13

The person who hurt us can do his part to rebuild the trust and a relationship by consistently
being honest, truthful, dependable, godly, pure, accountable, and loving. But he cannot rebuild the
relationship alone. The person who was hurt and has granted forgiveness also has responsibilities.
You must provide your offender with opportunities to demonstrate that he can be trustworthy.
Depending on the seriousness of the offense, that can be risky. It includes the potential of being hurt
again. Nevertheless, it is God’s will that we forge forward. Here is some of what is involved in the
process of rebuilding trust and relationships:

• Analyze - Some people are overly trusting, naive, and gullible. People often take advantage
of them and hurt them. Sometimes, when people experience enough hurt, especially from
significant people in their lives, they swing to the opposite side of the pendulum. They
become highly untrusting or very suspicious of people or some class of people. Where are
you at? It is helpful to at least understand where you are coming from as you enter the
process of learning to trust again.

• Individualize - Take each person as an individual. Some people are highly trustworthy and
some people are highly untrustworthy. Don’t conclude that all blacks, whites, males, females,
rich, poor, or whatever are all untrustworthy or trustworthy. Let each person have their own
individual track record with you.

• Trust - To rebuild trust, you must trust. At first you trust some and in time you trust some
more. If the person you are trying to trust proves trustworthy, let the trust grow some more.
Allow it to grow naturally over time. But don’t let yourself get stuck in the mud. In a healthy
relationship the trust keeps growing until it experiences an event that sets it back. If there is
no event that sets it back and it stops growing, then the problem lies somewhere in your heart
and mind.

• Grace - When you are learning to trust someone, it is normal to have doubts creep in
constantly. Any apparent misalignment of the facts or ambiguity can trigger off a crisis in
your heart. Part of learning to trust is to give the other person the benefits of your doubts. We
do not want to be gullible nor do we want to be overly suspicious. Gullibility can lead to
more hurt. Constant suspicion can drive a constant wedge in a relationship. We need wisdom
from God and guidance from the Holy Spirit as we attempt to strike the balance of granting
another the benefits of our doubts. This is what 1 Corinthians 13:7 means when it says that
love always trusts.

• Question - When you find yourself unable to grant the benefit of your doubts, it is time to ask
questions. Hopefully, the other person will understand your need to do so from time to time.
(It is part of their attempt to learn accountability.) Of course, the tone with which you ask
your questions is more important than the questions themselves. As discussed earlier, I
suggest that you convert questions that begin with “why” into questions that begin with
“what.” I also suggest prefacing your question with something like this: “I value my
relationship to you and want to fully trust you again. Sometimes you say or do things that
cause me to struggle with my trust of you. I don’t know if the problem lies within me or with
what you are doing. May I explore this with you by asking a question?”
• Affirm - Whenever the other person says or does things that increase your trust in them, be
sure to affirm them for it. You can do so by thanking them for working so hard at the
relationship, complimenting them, or just letting them know that these are the kind of things
that increase your trust. Don’t take their efforts for granted. Let them know that you
appreciate their efforts. People tend to repeat the behaviors for which they are affirmed and
that is what you want.

• Forgive - The person you are learning to trust may be working hard at being honest, truthful,
dependable, godly, pure, accountable, and loving. But, as you know from your personal
experience, these things can take a long time and a lot of practice to learn. He is certain to
slip and fall along the way. You must keep on forgiving (Luke 17:3-4; Matthew 18:21-22)
as this person picks himself up from the ground and tries to walk righteously again. If you
take a strike-three-and-your-out approach, the relationship will die.

• Pray - You can pray about anything and everything along the way. You can ask God to help
you trust again or more. You can ask Him to help the other person to be more trustworthy.
You can even ask Him to cause the person to be exposed if he is secretly being
untrustworthy. (God has answered that prayer numerous times in my life and counseling.)
You can pray for wisdom in dealing with situations along the way (James 1:5-8).

• Consult - Depending on the severity of the offense, it is often helpful to find a godly person
or two who will pray with you, support you, and advise you along the way (Psalm 1:1;
Proverbs 15:22).

Sometimes, after we forgive someone, we can just pick up right where the relationship left
off. No further work needs to be done. And sometimes a relationship will never return to where it
was before the offense. But sometimes it will become a better relationship than ever. The nature of
the hurt and the nature of the relationship before the hurt are big factors; however, the bigger factors
are how much effort the offender and the offended person will put into rebuilding the trust and
relationship.
 Reading 24
As Far as It Depends on You
Romans 12:9-21

As a pastor I’ve counseled in situations in which one person was willing to do anything to
restore a relationship and the other person wanted nothing more to do with it. I’m always sad for the
willing person but it does take two willing parties to bring about a reconciliation. Sometimes the only
thing I can do is help the willing person accept the fact that the other person is unwilling.
God has given everyone a free will. As hard as it sometimes is to accept, you have no control
over the will of another person. You only have control over your motives, thoughts, attitudes, speech,
and actions. Aware that reconciliation with another is not completely dependent on you, Romans
12:18 commands you to live at peace with everyone as far as it depends on you. God requires you
to do everything that is within your power to prevent disharmony from happening and to restore it
when it does. You are to do your part whether or not anyone else does theirs. With God’s help, the
following actions are within your power to do: It is with in your power . . .

• to keep the matter as small, private, and contained as possible.

• to prevent the escalation of tensions by not repaying a hurt with a hurt.
• to forgive an offense without even hearing an apology.
• to take the initiative to pursue reconciliation whether you are the offender or the offended.
• to identify all the hurts you have caused and to apologize for them.
• to become a grace-giving and generous forgiver of people.
• to request an apology from someone who hurt you.
• to take one or two others with you who can serve as witnesses and mediators.
• to take an unresolved matter to the church leaders for mediation and discipline.
• to extend forgiveness upon a person’s apology.
• to do the kinds of things that will rebuild the trust and the relationship.
• to love, bless, and pray for people who want nothing more to do with you.

Even if a willing party perfectly executes all that is in his power to do, there is no promise
in Scripture that a reconciliation will take place. On the flip side, it is almost certain that a
reconciliation will not take place if at least one willing party does not take the necessary biblical
steps. Following the biblical prescription increases the possibility of a reconciliation; it cannot
guarantee it.
Nathan and his wife, Diane, were not getting along. Diane had announced that she was
considering a divorce. Nathan came to see me for counsel. I advised him along the lines of the
material in this course. I explained to him that there are no guarantees that he will persuade his wife
to stay in the marriage even if he does everything right. After all, it takes two cooperative people for
a reconciliation to take place. I showed him from Scripture that all he could do was his part; he had
no control over Diane’s will and behaviors. I urged him to focus on doing the right things just
because they are the right things to do, not just to win back his wife’s heart. I told him to focus more
on pleasing God than pleasing his wife.
Two weeks later Nathan came back to see me. I asked him how things were going. He said,
“I have tried to do everything you told me to do but Diane is unmoved. She wants out of the
marriage. Your advise is not working.”
“I’m sorry to hear that”, I said to Nathan. “What do you mean that my advice is not working?
You have only been applying it for two weeks. Your situation is complicated enough that it may take
a couple of years before you see the kind of results you are looking for.”
“I don’t see any signs of change. I doubt your advise is going to work. I don’t see any point
in continuing to try.”
 I responded something like this: “First, you have not given it enough time to work. Second,
your motives are wrong. You are following my advice in order to please your wife and win back her
heart. I advised you to have a higher motive than that. You should be following my advice because
all I was doing is teaching you the instructions of the Lord Jesus. Your motivation for doing what
I advised should be to please the Lord, not your wife.”
“But will it work? Will it win her heart back?”
“I don’t know. As I said, there are no guarantees. You have no control over Diane’s thoughts,
emotions, or will. You only have control over yourself. You should be doing your part whether your
wife does anything or not. You should do your part just because it is God’s will. You should be
doing all that is within your power to do just because it is the right thing to do.”
“That’s hard. It is hard to do what you have advised if it isn’t going to restore my marriage.”
“It is going to be a lot of work. Hopefully, it will be worthwhile work and you will win your
wife back; but there are no guarantees. If you do nothing, however, I can almost guarantee you that
you will not win her back.”
I’ve noticed that people have a really hard time understanding what our motive should be.
There is a higher motivation at stake than merely winning someone back. The higher motivation is
to show love and respect to Christ by obeying His teachings. Winning a person back is a secondary
motivation.
While professing to be a follower of Jesus Christ, many people do not act like one. I have had
a difficult time getting people to see that we follow the Lord’s teachings just because it is the right
thing to do.

Heart Checkup: What does Christ want you to do in light of all of these readings? Are you going
to do your part?
 After Word

The will of God is clear. He wants to see Christians who are lovingly and harmoniously
relating to each other. He wants us to put great care and effort into preventing disharmony and
restoring harmony when disharmony happens. Thankfully, He does not leave us without the
resources to do His will. He has given us guidance in His Word. He will provide us with guidance
and the leading of the Holy Spirit to help us with the specifics. He has provided us with the privilege
of coming before His throne and finding grace in our times of need. He has also provided us with
the body of Christ to support us in our desire to live godly lives. And, thank God, the Holy Spirit is
constantly at work within us to make us like Jesus Christ in our ability to love and forgive. May the
Lord grant us the grace and strength to live out His principles in our relationships.
May the Lord be pleased and glorified with the way we deal with our differences and hurts.
May He enable His church to joyfully and harmoniously worship and work together. May His people
amaze the watching world with the way that we handle our differences and hurts. May our uncanny
love for one another be used of God to attract many to Christ.