We are all aware that the world society, the way of life, have changed in a very

, very fast. Our lifestyles, for various reasons, have been forced to adapt to n
ew times, to globalization, but there are areas in ourselves that we are not awa
re that we have to upgrade to discharge properly the role of parenting. Protect,
feed, set limits, protect, educate, provide security, authority. These elements
usually come attributed to the father, but in our clinical experience we realiz
e they are being equally affected by the lack of update to the new times. When y
ou think of the maternal role is more closely identified with the containment, c
omfort, protection, but also perhaps the most intimate of biological needs first
and gradually the others. However, as I said before, the role of the father see
ms to be focused more to the security of family life against the outside world,
features more rational than purely emotional. But again, everything has changed
very quickly and it seems that time has not given us as parents to evolve in the
treatment of the subject relational with our children, or at least reach a leve
l of flexibility in our values about theirs. As in the relationship, in parent-c
hild also may develop a few areas of conflict that is interesting and should be
taken into account so they can be working and influence the most is making the r
elationship is totally destabilizing. It is a pattern often repeated constantly
and immerses us in a sea of contradictions that makes the relationship in a real
battle clearly unequal and unfair. The most common areas of divergence include:
- Philosophy of life (different scale of values) - Demonstrations of love and a
ffection - Communication - Leisure - Friends The symptoms of children, we begin
with our Therapy Relational, often emerge from somewhat dysfunctional in the hou
sehold and this applies to parents but not always they are willing to clarify an
d deal directly with situations that cause them and hence the search for solutio
ns. As they say M. Alvarez and E. Maggio, both the child's father because she ne
eded to form the idea of what a man, overcoming feelings from the relationship w
ith his father's relationship with her husband and her daughter, the father need
to actively set standards his life. This is true but there are ways to do that
will be positive or negative depending on the parenting style we choose to do so
. Some authors point to three basic styles of parenting: - Authoritarian. - Perm
issive. - Democratic or authoritative In our experience, the most destructive, b
ut not the only, the more chaos that brings to life a budding boy or a girl who
must live each stage to maturity conveniently, is the first: authoritarian fathe
r. We also realize that in most cases the father does so in a
been unconscious for a number of "disadvantages" of his own life that make you r
epeat educational models past, with all good intentions, but unfortunately today
is not operational or valid. They are responsible for the future of a human bei
ng and are not able to recycle their "mental hard drives and they cost a lot to
change the chip to capture the new realities that we have taken up unprepared an
d almost without realizing it. Sometimes we find that you can give a projection
of our identity to that of our child as if it were an extension of our no note t
hat it is a different person to me and with his own identity and value system wh
ich I help to form, but according to a new and broader criteria filled with posi
tive reinforcement. Perhaps our objectives, our parents and our grandparents, in
essence, have many similarities and do not have to turn away from them, but, as
experience shows, what is the method fails us, how to put implement all the att
itudes and skills to achieve those objectives and educational trainers as needed
to raise healthy responsible adult and that guy who almost certainly want all o
ur soul. In our excessive desire that our daughter, for example, "Be a good woma
n," try to control their behavior without thinking that I am authoritarian, but
rather the opposite: I want the best for her and learn that life is full of haza
rds that are known to care. The only way, then, because she "knows nothing" is a
s I said, trying to control the behavior and attitudes and make them conform to
a standard of conduct.€"Authoritarianism means imposing inflexible rules and di
scipline without taking into account the age of our offspring, their personal ch
aracteristics and circumstances, specific and individual. The authoritarian pare
nt values and demands unquestioning obedience and often punish their children st
rongly act against its own particular set of values which is the only valid. The
 father who uses this style is usually characterized by being absorbent and the
focus of the daughter in itself produce, sometimes without realizing it, individ
uals dominated by law authority and order, concealed in children's initiative an
d creation, and everything that involves change or violate these basic principle
s he believes are to be respected at all costs. " (E. Maggio) We are talking abo
ut people who tend to have rigid patterns of behavior and the most negative effe
ct is that they are able to take into account the needs of their children or the
ir peers, even to punishment without giving any explanation for reasons that hav
e not been met so and so. In our Family Orientation sessions try to work with th
ese people's feelings and emotions, but very hard to surface in this form of exe
rcise paternity, these issues, not because they do not own or do not feel them b
ut because it has a disability, usually unconscious, and can not connect with "h
is little heart," and therefore are not able to connect with their children from
another location other than the punishment, the cry, bad eyes, creating a world
rich nonverbal communication that creates a general malaise for the message to
be perceived. What is the result of this situation is sometimes more than we wou
ld wish, sustained in time for many years? It causes a blockage of individuality
, creativity and being rich and fresh interior that every child within. If love
is absent and is constantly critical attitude, that being who is trying to matur
e receives messages that do not do anything right and his low self-esteem a lot
worse. The pressure exerted on them can lead to insecurity, fear, hatred, under
school performance, and a reaction of hyperactivity and disobedience. They may w
ithdraw, become aggressive, hostile and, especially in girls, passive, withdrawn
, irritable, insecure and socially inept. We try to see that all that is the beh
avior of each of the members of the family system affects the rest and attitudes
of children are the result of living within nuclear and extended domestic. So,
go and try to refresh and learn to be parents, the office or one of the world's
toughest jobs bordering on an art and therefore it is difficult and hard. We are
human and make mistakes because nobody is perfect, but nothing is ever lost if
one is willing to make the changes needed to know that we achieve the balance de
sired. Blame gets us nowhere and if we go into this dynamic and dispel us where
we do not really want. Courage, worth all the effort you are all willing to do!
JUAN JOSE LOPEZ NICOLAS. Family Counselor. Article on page THERAPY AND FAMILY Fa
mily Harmony Association