Astrologia intimitatii

Love and relationships are high on the list of concerns for most human beings. There
are some solitary souls who are quite content to live without a primary partner, but
most of us choose to pursue intimate relationships for many different reasons. A
loving partner helps keep away the cold, not only warming the bed, but by
supporting your dreams and listening to your fears. Close companionship is the way
of the world for the majority, but modern society has made it an extremely complex
process.

Challenges to a Modern Relationship

In traditional cultures, when the roles of men and women were more neatly (if
unequally) defined, there was community and family support for couples. But in
todays world many of us have moved far from our families of origin. And, even if
they are close by, extended families are rare and community support for couples is
virtually non-existent. A modern couple expects more from a relationship than did
couples living in pre-industrial societies. They are not just lovers and sometimes
parents, they are also business partners and best friends. Its no longer enough to
love your partner and to do the daily work of maintaining your household, you must
understand one another, crossing the divide of male and female as new roles for both
sexes continue to emerge. Same sex couples have their issues as well, individuality
being stronger then gender.

Love is not enough. To live together in an intimate relationship there are other
criteria that must be met. Love, in fact, is very different to different people. Fiery
love means that I feel great when I think of you. It is a Leo-like projection of the
ego, basking in the glory of romantic love. My love for you comes from my heart. You
may trigger it, but its my creation. Listening doesnt necessarily enter the picture.
Watery love is more Lunar, it is about responding to the other persons needs, even
the unstated ones. The fiery lover may be surprised to discover that the other is
unsatisfied. "But, I love you honey," I might say, meaning that my heart opens at the
thought of you. Energy flows from me to you. Yet the other needs to be heard, to be
felt, to be receivedto be loved like the Moon.

Venus - the Planet of Love

Astrologers generally consider Venus to be the planet of love. This, however, is

somewhat misleading. Venus describes the form in which an individual can recognize
love or approval. The sign, house and aspects involving the natal Venus can describe
the ways in which the person gained appreciation within the family structure. So
someone with Venus in Capricorn might be appreciated for her sense of discipline,
while someone else with Venus in Cancer was approved for her sensitive and caring
nature. Venus, then, is a highly socialized planet, one whose expression doesnt
necessarily correspond with our deepest needs, but is a learned value.

Venus is a step towards intimacy, it is the sweet attraction that pulls us towards
another person (or him/her towards us). Magnetism, though, is not intimacy, its not
even love. But it is important, vital in fact, if a meaningful relationship is going to
develop. However, relationships primarily built on Venus contacts may not last long
or go very deep. Venus is a "horizontal" planet. It has to do with how we reach out to
another person or object that attracts us. It does not, however, necessarily reflect
our deepest needs. These needs, this pathway to intimacy, falls in the domain of the
Moon.

The Moon as the Key to Intimacy

The Moon is the primary feminine archetype in astrology. The relationship with
mother is the basis for all future relationships. It was one of total dependency, the
only physically necessary relationship in life. We can not exist without mothers
presence (at least until birth). Fathers are vital for conception, after that theyre
optional, albeit desirable. Closeness, then, comes through the Moon. It comes
through connecting with our deepest needs, recognizing them and taking the risk to
share them with the person we love. This vulnerability is a key element of intimacy.
If we dont let our partner in we live parallel lives, rather than lives of true intimacy.
Now we dont all have the same needs here.

Someone with the Moon in Cancer is likely to have a very different notion of
closeness than someone with the Moon in Aquarius. Each has lunar needs, needs to
be fed and to be heard, but the forms can be very different. The Moon in Cancer
needs, above all, to belong, to have that watery connection of feeling that you are
both in the same circle. The Aquarius Moon, though, needs space and freedom, and
can find security within a less tightly bound relationship. In any case, though, the
Moon is what allows us to join at a deep emotional level.

When we stay at the level of Venus, however, the need to be liked dominates the
need to be heard. Closeness requires a willingness to move past the approval level
and touch the soul. When we share our deepest feelings, fears and secrets we can
open ourselves. Letting the other in is a challenge, particularly for men or women
with strong fire in their charts. Receiving is as much of an art as giving. Working with
the Moon means allowing for changes, for inconsistencies. Were not talking about a
fixed model of ideal partnership, were seeking a living relationship between growing
and changing human beings.

We can understand Venus as describing what we like, sort of what tastes good to us.
But like sweet sugar in the mouth, the pleasure it gives is nice, but might not be very
fulfilling. The Moon describes what feeds us. Therefore, it is important that we
understand the relationship between Venus and the Moon in our natal charts. If the
two are in conflict, extra attention may need to be paid to make sure that pleasure
feeds us, rather than leaving us undernourished. Someone with Venus in Cancer, for
example, might appreciate the cozy and caring aspects of a love affair. But if the
Moon is in Aries, space for spontaneity must also be included. This person can be
very responsive to the partner much of the time (all other chart factors being equal),
but suddenly pull away to reclaim her/his individual space. This can lead to confusion
for both partners. Its really about addressing two very different needs. The difficulty
is that Venus and the Moon are close enough in their natures to mislead us into
reading one for the other. Liking and needing are not the same thing. The form of
love (Venus) and the substance of emotion (the Moon) may or may not be similar for
a given individual.

Dealing with Conflict

Conflicts in the horoscope, as with conflicts in life, are not about choosing one over
the other. If we place the intimacy needs of the Moon over the pleasure needs of
Venus we can have unpleasant closeness, like a couple locked together in a grim
dance of survival. If the more superficial aspects of Venus dominate we can dine at
the table of pleasure yet still feel empty inside. The key is to acknowledge and accept
our conflicting needs. Knowing which one is appropriate at a given moment is
helpful. That means dragging out your Scorpio Moon need for intensity in a public
place might not go over very well. Or that your Venus in Aries taste for independence
showing up when your partner is in emotional crisis may be ill-timed. Everything has
its time and place and overcoming much of astrological conflict is about putting the
right foot forward at the right time.

Another take on the conflict, lets say between Venus in Aries and the Moon in
Scorpio, is that there are many steps between their seemingly contrasting positions.
We often find ourselves stuck between two choices. However, we are whole, the
universe is whole and there are connections between any two elements in existence.
Learning the many subtle steps between conflicting points means building bridges
between the disparate parts of ourselves.

Astrology does a good job of dicing and slicing us up into so many planets, signs and
houses. But, we need to remember that no piece is isolated from the rest. Even a
seemingly isolated planet, one without aspects, for example, lives within the same
solar system and within the same person as the rest of the chart. The lack of
connections is apparent, not real. You can take the isolated planet and imagine
conversations with the other planets. What are their common points of interest? If
you cant find any you need to expand your astrological vocabulary, because
underlying the obvious differences between the planets and the signs is a unifying
pattern that connects every part with every other part. In fact, learning how to
merge and then separate is essential to attaining intimacy.

Fear of Intimacy

While the rewards of intimacy are considerable, the fears of intimacy are equally
strong for most people. This is because intimacy, coming closer to another, merging
fields and feelings, threatens ones identity. As much as we want the closeness, there
is a natural resistance to it. If I include you in the center of my being where am I?
Where is my old familiar self? The unconscious works powerfully to maintain the
status quo, even an unhappy one. Fear of losing oneself is a powerful motivation to
avoid too much closeness. However, this too can be included as part of the dance of
love.

Love, in a living form, is not constant. We dont feel the same way about one another
every day, because we dont feel the same way about ourselves. Now Im not talking
about wild mood swings here, just the natural ebb and flow of attraction that is part
of the human condition. Venus attraction is balanced by Mars struggle to maintain
individuality. This is why couples need to fight, to push one another away to regain
their individuality. When this is conscious it can be included in the dance, a normal
process that neither has to be ashamed of.

Ive often found that after my wife and I have moved yet another step closer to one
another, when weve push aside another veil of separateness, we react soon after by
creating distance between us. We need to assimilate this deepening of our
partnership. I need to be sure that Jeff is there in the middle of the expanding
intimacy with my wife. When this is allowed no feelings are hurt, we dont have to
dramatize our individual needs and can stay in a flow that will bring us closer again
the next time around.

Houses Seven and Eight

While Venus and the Moon present one pair of issues around intimacy, the 7th and
8th houses present another. The 7th is the traditional house of marriage or primary
partnership. The 8th, though, is the "body" of the relationship, the place where the
meeting begun in the 7th is consummated. If a partner meets the symbolism of the
7th, but not the 8th house, its likely that the relationship will not deepen. The front
may be fine, but the core may stay unfulfilled. If the 8th house contact is good, but
the 7th is not, you might not even meet the other person.

Since there are often different signs on the cusps of the 7th and 8th houses, signs
that are adjacent to one another, not natural allies (i.e. trine or sextile one another),
the implication is that intimate relationships require several different qualities to
make them work. Connecting at a deep level is not like putting a key into a lock and
turning it. Its more like a combination lock in which a number of different pieces
need to fit into place before it opens.

Since houses 7 and 8 refer to "others" they are ripe for projection. This means that
rather than expressing ourselves in these areas of the chart we seek partners to
fulfill their qualities for us. If you have Mars in the 7th you may seek out partners
who are dynamic, independent self-starters. While this is not inappropriate, the
concern is that you will not be dynamic, independent or a self-starter yourself. This is
projection, giving away parts of yourself to others. The 7th and 8th houses (as well
as the rest of the chart for that matter) are about you. They are about the qualities
you need to express in any partnership. Ideally, your partner will support these
qualities in you. If not, the relationship will not be a place of growth. The 7th and 8th
houses are about you. Dont give them away to someone else.

The Nature of Compatibility

What is compatibility? Astrological convention holds that harmonious aspects

between charts are the significant factors for a positive relationship. Certainly, a
degree of harmony (or similarity) is necessary for successful partnership. However, it
may be useful to have a blend of challenging and easy aspects for best results. For
example, Venus and Mars have a great deal to do with sexual compatibility. Mutual
trines and sextiles can make for an easy flow of energy, yet that might become
boring over time. However, some harmony mixed with a challenging aspect, i.e. your
Venus is trine your partners Mars, your partners Venus is opposite yours, can keep a
level of dynamism that will continue to make sex an interesting subject for you two.

Couples tend to create their own little universe. If both agree on something then it
must be true. This can limit the development of the two individuals when their
charts, or parts of them, are too similar. Whats called compatibility may simply be
shared neuroses. It is useful, then, that couples dont have all their planets align
harmoniously. A little tension not only makes life interesting, but it helps keep
perspective in the partnership. The esoteric writer Dion Fortune believed that an
ideal relationship showed alternating similarity and dissimilarity between the seven
chakras. This pattern may deepen a relationship by bringing the right balance of the
old and new so that a relationship grows, rather than remain static.

Its also true that some people dont want or need traditional compatibility. If
Uranus is in your 7th or 8th house you likely need to experience differences through
relationship, to be awakened to new patterns. Gravitating to someone who is very
different than you doesnt have to be a disaster. With a few key positive connections
to hold the relationship together, it might be just what you need. These key
connections are most likely to involve the Moon, Sun, 1st-7th axis or the Moons
Nodes. These are all critical points that can provide the glue to help a couple work
through their differences and maintain a growing partnership. Sometimes youll see a
chart with wonderful Venus and Mars aspects, but if none of these key points are
included its not likely that the relationship will endure.

Of course, the length of a relationship is only one measure of its success (or its
partners stubbornness). We can have successful short-term relationships if we are
able to learn from them. Each of us has our own way of measuring whether the
investment of time, energy and emotion is worth the effort. We can meet someone
who will help us open one door within ourselves, making the contact very important
even if it fails on other levels.

Compatibility Analysis

When I do compatibility analysis for a couple I dont start by comparing the two natal
charts. I begin by examining each chart individually. This provides the foundation for
understanding the couple because it recognizes the individuality of each of the
partners. The natal chart is the key to intimacy. It is very difficult to receive love
from someone else when you are unable to give it to yourself. The primary work in
counseling couples is to help each person become aware of his or her issues and
needs.

When a person has a healthy respect for self and a willingness to be vulnerable, the
doors of intimacy open. The ground of a healthy relationship is two healthy
individuals. Health here is not about perfection, total clarity or lack of ignorance.
Health is the willingness to learn, to open ourselves, to speak and to listen. When
this kind of aliveness is present intimacy arrives. And, with continued care and
watering, it will flourish for a long, long time.