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I would like to discuss about freedom in our society.

Personally, I believe that some people support freedom and


others did not support. Democracy will maintain freedom but people do not follow the rules and regulations. I will
mention some specific advantages and disadvantages in my presentation.

First of all, Freedom is compulsory every country. Most advantage of freedom is success and happiness. In my point
of view, speech is compulsory because knowledge will be increased you will live anywhere in the world. Most
advantage is happiness and No issues.

On the other hand Free will be decides on parliament or high authority people. Secondly, some people freedom did
not accept because of terror and crime people. In our democracy living good people and bad people. That kind of
people will destroy the human being and assets. Furthermore, they addicts crime. They do not care about certain
government. Especially, land correction in our society, kidnaps and rapes. Some people do not think about freedom .
only think about him or her and not for society.

Finally I conclude that, Freedom in compulsory in my country but people does not support freedom. They addicted
their personally, do not think about society and corruption. Please control the correction and terror. Automatically
freedom will come and we are develop a lot

Here are some comments to guide you for

IELTS writing task 2.

1. You must write over 250 words or you will reduce your band score. This essay is only 223 word.

2. Learn how to write the background statement and thesis statement for an IELTS essay.

It is essential you learn how to write this introduction and avoid using learned phrases from books. The thesis
statement for IELTS should never contain the words "presentation" and you should introduce clear main points.

3. Task Response : This essay is about freedom of speech not about only freedom. This means no censorship of
newspapers, writers, artists or any person in society. It means the government does not have a right to limit what is
printed in the press or expressed by any writer or person. You have not written about this in your essay. You must
take time to understand the task given to you and make sure you are answering it directly.

4. Grammar: Capital letter s. Make sure you don't accidentally put capital letters in the middle of sentences. There
are 4 of these errors in the essay.

5. Grammar: Complex sentences. To get band score 7 and over you must be able to produce complex sentences with
few errors. Here's an example of how to connect sentences together:

"In our democracy living good people and bad people. That kind of people will destroy the human being and assets.
Furthermore, they addict crime." = "In most democracies, there are all kinds of people including criminals who would
severely damage society."

6. Vocabulary : You must develop your vocabulary. I don't mean try to use more complex language but instead, you
must learn to use words correctly and understand their exact meaning.

7. You have good organisation and some good linking. This is your strength

Every one of us should become a vegetarian because eating meat can cause serious health problems. To what
extent do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and examples.

Nowadays, the increasing rate of children and adults are suffering from various health issue. Some people contend
that excessive use of meat can play a detrimental role regard to health related problems. Others opine that by
becoming a began can solve all these problems. In my point of view , vegans have more benefits than a meat lover.
First and foremost , eating meat on a regular basis may shorten lifespan of people. In line with meat consumption
there is a growing tendency to increase risks of diabetes, cardiovascular disease and certain cancers. The studies
have also pointed to an elevated risk of mortality from red meat intake. Meat contains a whole lot of iron which,
when eaten in excess, can raise levels of iron in the brain and may increase the risk of developing Alzheimers
disease and type-2 diabetes.

In addition , Livestock production impacts the planet in a huge way. For example , drive a fuel-efficient car and use
reusable cloth grocery bags to shop, you can further help the planet by cutting out meat as well.However , Meat
impacts the environment more than any other food we eat, mainly because livestock require much more land, food,
water, and energy than plants to raise and transport. For instance , Producing a four-ounce (quarter pound)
hamburger, for example, requires 7 pounds of grain and forage, 53 gallons of drinking water and irrigating feed crops,

Morover , The animal cruelty factor is sickening. Its sometimes easy to forget that the steak on your plate was part
of a living creature. But the path from livestock to entre can be fraught with unbelievable animal cruelty. From
locking animals in tiny cages, to slicing parts of their bodies off without any pain relief, to genetically selecting them
to grow so obese and so fast that many become lame, its by far the biggest cause of animal suffering in the world.

However , There are many reasons why people choose to go vegetarian or vegan. Firstly, Healthy vegan diets
support a lifetime of good health and provide protection against numerous diseases, including some of our countrys
biggest killers: heart disease, cancer, and strokes. Scientists have also found that vegetarians have stronger immune
systems than their meat-eating friends; this means that they are less susceptible to everyday illnesses such as the flu.
Vegetarians and vegans live, on average, six to 10 years longer than meat-eaters.

In addition, Some people become vegetarians after realizing the devastation that the meat industry is having on the
environment. chemical and animal waste runoff from factory farms is responsible for more than 173,000 miles of
polluted rivers and streams.

Runoff from farmlands is one of the greatest threats to water quality today. Agricultural activities that cause
pollution include confined animal facilities, plowing, pesticide spraying, irrigation, fertilizing and harvesting.

Last but not least , Vegetarian food is often cheaper, this includes both the raw ingredients purchased from
supermarkets and meals taken in restaurants and other eateries. Meat makes up a significant proportion of a typical
household food bill.

In conclusion , Well-planned vegan diets provide us with all the nutrients that we need, minus all the saturated fat,
cholesterol, and contaminants found in animal flesh, eggs, and dairy foods. Being a vegan has more positives rather
than eating too much of meat.

You've got very good vocabulary as well as grammar. The problems you have are with Task Response (25%) and
Coherence and Cohesion (25%). The comments below will help you improve in these criteria.

Task Response

1. You have only 40 mins to plan and write the essay

2. Your essay is too long - aim for between 260 and 280 words

3. Aim for either 2 or 3 body paragraphs which means 2 or 3 main points. That gives you enough words to develop
each idea equally.

4. Plan your ideas and analyse the statement. You must answer the question -

Do you think eating meat is bad for health?


Do you think everyone should become vegetarian.? Here would be my main points:

Body Paragraph A: Eating meat does not cause health problems as long as people eat mostly white meat and don not
eat meat too often.

Body Paragraph B: People should try to eat more vegetarian food but not necessarily have a completely vegetarian
diet.

Coherence and Cohesion (Paragraphing and Linking)

1. You have used some very good linkers in this essay but repeating linkers lowers your band score.

2. Make sure each body paragraph has a unique main point.

On the whole, you have the potential to get over band score 7. Work on your task response and organisation of
ideas into appropriate paragraphs.

Some people think it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe boys and
girls benefit more from attending mixed schools. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People have different views about single and co-education schooling systems. While single-sex schools limit the
opposite gender interactions, I believe mixed sex education is better, as it provide pupils with the opportunity to
understand and develop various skills to deal with their counter- parts. . There are good grounds to make an
argument in favor of teaching girls and boys separately.

One significant argument is that in single gender classrooms students are more focused in comparison to mixed
gender classes. The reason for this is students are less distracted by their opposite genders and this helps students to
concentrate better while studying. Another positive aspect of teaching students by genders is it helps teachers, as
male and female pupils have different interest and needs. For example, female students who are intimidated by
their opposite gender often fail to perform up to their true potential in male dominant subjects such as science and
math. Teaching separately would definitely benefit both the students and the teachers.

On the other hand, there are also sound reasons to support mixed-sex schooling. One of the most compelling
reasons is that, students learn to interact and build team work skills with their opposite sex- classmates. For instance,
starting to participate in mixed group activities from early stages of their lives develops confidence, cooperation, and
interpersonal skills among students and these are no doubt the most essential skills for their later work environment.
A further point is that, this also instills a sense of gender equality in students, which is absolutely necessary to build a
morally and economically healthier society.

In conclusion, I believe that, as single sexed school fail to provide children the opportunity to learn communication
and other vital skills with their opposite genders, studying in mixed gender environment is probably a suitable option.

(295) words.

Hi,

Well done! An excellent essay both in terms of language and academic skills for IELTS. It would certainly get a band 8.

Below are some comments to help you see your strengths and also areas where you can still develop. I would not
call these areas of weakness as it's a very good essay but I do want to show you how you can still improve and do
even better.
Task Response - you have fulfilled the task given to you by discussing both sides impartially and also given a clear
position (a clear opinion). Your ideas are relevant and supported. However, your opinion is only given in brief. Equal
weight is given to discussing both sides and giving your opinion so don't be too short with your opinion. If you wish
to give your opinion in the conclusion, then do so but add an extra sentence to support it more fully. I know some
teachers suggest only giving one sentence in the conclusion but high scores in task response are based on extending
and developing main points.

Coherence and Cohesion - very well organised with excellent linking. Without doubt this would be band 8 or above.
Could it be improved? Here's one small suggestion: "Teaching separately would definitely benefit both the students
and the teachers." = "Teaching separately would, therefore, definitely benefit ....". This sentence would benefit from
a linker.

Not all linkers need to be at the beginning of a sentence. However, on the whole, this criterion is one of your
strengths.

Vocabulary - excellent and highly accurate.Certainly a strength.

Grammar - a good range of complex sentence structures which could get you a band 8. However, there are a few
errors which may bring you down to 7.5. Noun verb agreement (remembering the third person singular ('s') / plural
nouns / articles (a/the etc) ...as it provide pupils with the opportunity... = ... as it provides pupils with an
opportunity ... ...students are less distracted by their opposite genders ... = ... students are less distracted by the
opposite gender... (no 's')

...teaching students by genders... = ... teaching students by gender.. (no 's')

...as male and female pupils have different interest and needs ... = ... interests (you need plural here)

Another area to watch is your topics sentences which are present are very similar (almost repetitive).

There are good grounds to make an argument in favor of teaching girls and

boys separately. / On the other hand, there are also sound reasons to support mixed-sex schooling.

You could change the second topic sentence - On the other hand, the reasons behind the popularity of mixed-sex
schooling are certainly sound. One of the most compelling being that students learn ...

Some people think that the use of social media (Facebook) has a negative impact rather than a positive one. Do
you agree or disagree, why?

The way we communicate has drastically hanged over the years and keeps improving gradually in a very fast pace.
One of the ways we have to communicate is trough social media. Facebook is a website created somewhat recently
and its sole purpose is for people to communicate with friends, family members, acquaintances and even complete
strangers, through pictures and written posts. Even though I do acknowledge the positive effects of social media, I
have to admit that the negative impact widely outweighs the positive effects. I feel this way for two reasons. First
and foremost, there is an abundance of over-shared information which relinquishes the right to privacy. Second,
physical and audible interactions are becoming extinct, since there is no longer the need to meet face to face or talk
over the phone in order to have a conversation. For these reasons, which I will explore below, I feel that social media
had a greater negative impact than a positive one.

For starters, people are no longer zealous when it comes to protecting their privacy. There is a massive problem of
over-sharing daily life details on the internet, specifically through Facebook. This is a very dangerous situation
because people are exposing themselves, their friends and family members to potential predators. For example, if a
person is going on a trip for a week and posts on their Facebook page that they will actually not be home during that
period of time, burglars could take advantage of that information and might rob and vandalize that persons home.

Some people post pictures of everything they are doing during the day. This can also be negative because these
pictures can be misinterpreted or used against their owner at any time. In my case, I had an employee that took a
sick day because he had a fever. However, he updated his Facebook status saying that he was enjoying a day at the
beach. Needless to say he was reprimanded for his actions.

Secondly, thanks to social media and Facebook, friendships are morphing into a different breed. In my times,
friendships were nurtured by physical presence, such as meeting for coffee, going to the movies, having dinner,
talking for hours over the phone, etc. Nowadays, friendships are carried online and communication has been
reduced to a poke, a smiley face or a like. Even when it comes to cellphone use, texting is far more popular
than actually calling someone or even leaving a voice-mail when the call is not answered. Personally, I prefer to call a
friend and say what I have to say oppose to texting the entire message, which takes more time and requires full
attention.

However some people seem to think that there is nothing wrong with texting while walking or driving which is
massively wrong. It is actually an extremely dangerous thing to do.

To summarize, I strongly believe that social media has more of a negative impact rather than a positive one. This is
because there is a lack of privacy regarding shared information and face to face interaction is steadily disappearing.

I'm going to give you some simple feedback so you can make immediate corrections to your essay.

1. It's too long. This essay is over 500 words and you should be aiming for between 260 and 300. You do not get
more points for a longer essay.

2. The main problem is the introduction.

You have written over 150 words for your introduction instead of about 50. Below is the introduction you should
have written I have used your own language to show you how to adapt your essay:

The way we communicate has drastically changed over the years and one of the ways we are able to communicate is
through social media. In my opinion, even though I do acknowledge the positive effects of social media, I have to
admit that the negative impact widely outweighs the positive effects due to the lack of privacy and face-to-face
communication.

3. Linkers - you must use academic linkers. "For starters" is not appropriate for an academic essay for IELTS. Just stick
with Firstly / Another point to consider / In conclusion.

4. Don't use examples from your own life.

You must use examples in an academic style: "I prefer to call a friend and say what I have to say oppose to texting
the entire message, which takes more time and requires full attention" = "Most young people today prefer to phone
people directly rather than send text messages as it is more time effective, particularly when they may have other
demands on their attention."

Overall feedback

Your level of English both grammar and vocabulary is very good indeed and should get band score 7.5 or 8. However,
this essay would not get that band score at all.
You must understand the requirements of IELTS and work within them to get the results that reflect your English.

It is agreed that computers will replace paper newspapers, books etc. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

In a contemporary society, individuals are easy to obtain the most update information by a computer. Some people
would contend that the traditional paper medium will be replaced by the internet. It is agreed that the newspapers
and books have been gradually replaced by it. To prove this true, changing human habits and increasing awareness
environmental protection will be analyzed as more feasible causes.

First of all, it is an undeniable fact that the habits of adolescent trend to a mobile or a computer to read the news
rather than buying papers. For instance, in Hong Kong, there are some researches about individuals reading habits.
As a result, 85% of young people are using electronic devices to read the news or books. This makes it clear that
there are less people to buy newspapers or book due to altering behaviors. As this shows that state-of-the-art
technology devices will be instead of the conventional measures.

Secondly and even more importantly, though, citizens have a strong sense of protecting the global. As those reading
materials are made of woods and it brings enormous negative consequences to the earth. To illustrate, some forests
were destroyed in order to making paper. Thus it seriously degraded the human living environment and brought a
large amount of drawbacks. It is obvious from this that the papers or books will be substituted by modern
technology due to residents are growing aware of saving their places.

By way of conclusion, following this look at how dwellers changing habits and having a strong sense of preserving
their living environment, it is proven that the newspapers and books replacing by computers is a plausible. Also, I
believe that it seems highly advisable for the government to encourage residents to access up-to-date information
through internet.

Hi,

This is a good essay and would probably get about band score 6.5. Here are some comments on each criteria that the
examiner will mark you on:

Task Response: This is your answer and the development of ideas. You have done really well in this criterion. You
have given two very relevant main points and you have extended them well. You would probably get about band
score 7 in this criterion with this essay. To get a higher mark in this criterion, you need to give a more direct answer
in your introduction. You have written "It is agreed that..." - this means other people agree that. This is an opinion
essay so you must give your opinion in the thesis statement " In my opinion, it is very likely that paper books may
one day disappear as the younger generation are leaning towards using electronic devices and are also
environmentally conscious of global resources."

Coherence and Cohesion: Paragraphing and Linking

You have organised your ideas logically with very good paragraphing. You also have clear and academic linkers in
your essay. However, please use the academic linker for the conclusion: In conclusion. If you write "By way of
conclusion" it is less academic. If you had the correct linker for the conclusion, you would get about 7.5 for this
criterion.

Vocabulary: range and accuracy

You have a good range of vocabulary with some very good examples of band score 7 words but because of the
number of errors, your band score cannot go over 6.5. Here are some errors highlighted:

1. people are people, young people are young people, teenagers are adolescents. You have used the following
paraphrases incorrectly - humans, residents, dwellers, adolescents. All these words have a similar meaning but are
not direct paraphrases and cannot be used in the same way or in the same context. Too many errors.
2. altering behaviours - in this context talk about changing not altering. Also behaviour is uncountable.

3. trend - do you mean tend? You cannot have habits of adolescent trend. People have habits, trends do not.

4. Global is an adjective not a noun.

4. Grammar = accuracy and range

You have errors in most sentences. You have errors with tenses, word order, word form and articles. Due to the
large number of errors, you would only get band score 6. Band score 5 = frequently errors, band score 6 = some
errors, band score 7 = few errors.

It do better, work on having a direct answer in your introduction, use only academic linkers, don't take chances with
vocabulary (you don't need to paraphrase every single word, some words can be repeated) and improve your basic
grammar.

**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: With the help of technology, students nowadays can
learn more information and learn it more quickly. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**

Technology has been increasingly used throughout the world. This is very apparent from the fact that many students
and schools use it to get access to information faster than ever before.

It is agreed that with the help of technology, students can learn more information and learn it more quickly. This will
be proven by analyzing how technology is used to both better and faster teach students in classrooms, as well as
how technology is used by students themselves to access to more information than they could otherwise.

Firstly, many schools in developed countries use technology to better teach their students. A very important aspect
of learning is using a blend of both information and entertainment for better understanding. Students in these
schools are not only taught from their text books, but also with the help of presentations, videos and other
technological tools that promote a better learning experience.

Such a deep level of understanding cannot be expected by merely using textbooks, since it lacks variety and
entertainment. Moreover, students associate textbooks with 'studying' rather 'learning' or 'knowing'.

Thus ,by using technology, students can learn more information quickly as opposed to learning without technology.
Secondly,technology also helps students from different parts of the world get quick access to information they need.
This is apparent when students from remote villages or underdeveloped countries use the power of internet to get
access to information they need to prepare themselves for various examinations. For instance, a student from a
remote village in Gujarat,India scored 2260 on the SAT test. When interviewed by an online SAT preparation website,
he said all he ever used were ebooks and other resources he found online since the international books he needed
were not available in his village, and that the big guys like amazon and ebay did not ship where he lived. He could
have travelled to a city to get the books, but technology improved the speed with which he got access to the
information he needed.

Following the analyzation of the use of technology in classrooms and in getting information quickly via the internet,
it is evident that with the help of technology, students nowadays can learn more information and learn it more
quickly. It is expected that in the technology will continue to enhance and speed up students' learning processes in
then future.

______________
Got my exam in 3 days, please critique

As your exam is only a couple of days away I'm going to give you some feedback on the essential aspects to work on.

Presenting a Clear Position

Essentially you have relevant ideas which are well supported and well organised. You've also got good grammar and
vocab on the whole. However, it the way present the ideas that is the issue. This is an IELTS essay and there are
certain requires you must fulfill to get a high score. One of them, one of the most important in fact, is addressing the
task and presenting a clear position for an opinion essay. This means, in simple language, give a direct answer in your
introduction. You have not done this. All you need to do is change your wording.

Here is what your introduction should be:

Technology has been increasingly used throughout the world which is very apparent from the fact that many
students and schools use it to get access to information faster than ever before. In my opinion, technology certainly
allows students to learn in a better and fast way as well as help them gain access to more information that would
otherwise not be accessible.

The above introduction is 62 words while yours was 88 words. That is too long for an IELTS essay when you have a
maximum of 35 mins for writing ( don't forget you should use 5 mins for planning and then editing at the end). The
introduction should contain a background statement which is an introduction of the topic (paraphrase the statement
given) and a thesis statement which provides a direct answer. For an opinion essay, you must have your opinion
stated clearly in your thesis statement.

Academic Style

Never write about he/she/we/you. Always write about people in general. Here is your example in the second body
paragraph:

For instance, a student from a remote village in Gujarat,India scored 2260 on the SAT test. When interviewed by an
online SAT preparation website, he said all he ever used were ebooks and other resources he found online since the
international books he needed were not available in his village, and that the big guys like amazon and ebay did not
ship where he lived.

Here is how it should be written:

For instance, students in remote areas rely on the internet and modern technology to such an extent that without it
they would have almost no access to resources for learning. An overwhelming majority of students from remote
areas learn from ebooks and websites, such as amazon, as there are no qualified teachers or well stocked libraries in
their area to help them.

"like" cannot be used as a linker (for example) in an academic essay.

"guy" is not an academic word for "man"

Conclusion

Always start your conclusion with the appropriate linker - In conclusion or To conclude.

Nowadays shopping becomes more popular than in-store shopping. Is is a positive or negative development? Give

your reasons and examples.


Shopping is a thing, that is going online, gradually. It is not only becoming popular, but also gaining a huge profit. In-
store shopping is also getting affected by this new development. People preferred to do online shopping for several
reasons like; availability, numerous variety, time, etc. Now the question arises, whether it is a positive development
or negative. This depends on a number of factors, some of which are mentioned above. However, people who prefer
doing shopping online are mostly young people because of the technology involvement and which can be considered
as a positive development.

Now, people can order their things from a different city or different state, as they are having access to all those
items which may not be available in local stores. Online shopping is a blessing for those, who are living a busy
corporate life and hardly get time to actually go into stores for shopping. Some online companies also provide free
home delivery service, which makes the total expenditure same, in case those particular things could have bought
from a store. In fact, it saves money and time spent on travelling to stores.

Every coin has two sides, in the same way online shopping also has many negative aspects. Everything is shown on
the screen of computer as an image, so there is no chance that one can actually feel the quality of product. They do
not get chance to try any attire before buying. Also the people who are not that technically sound, may struggle to
place their orders online. So, it is a matter of development for those who have access to computer and internet.

Online shopping is a positive development, no doubt, but it is not meant for all. On the other hand in-store shopping
is accessible for everyone, no matter what age or what knowledge one possess.

You mainly asked about grammar, so let me give you some feedback on that first.

On the whole, you show a very strong command of using complex sentence

structures and have a limited number of errors. This would give you at least band

score 7 for grammar. Here are examples of how to improve it:

Shopping is a thing, that is going online,

gradually. It is not only becoming

popular, but also gaining a huge profit. =

Online shopping is becoming not only

increasingly popular,as more stores chose

to offer transactions online rather than

in-store, but is also becoming hugely

profitable .

In-store shopping is also getting affected

by this new development. People

preferred to do online shopping for

several reasons like; availability,

numerous variety, time, etc . =


Consequently, this has had a direct

impact on in-store shopping as people

generally prefer to do their shopping

online as it is more accessible with

greater choice and also more time

effective.

You should be aiming for band score 7.5

with your level of English. Here are some

more tips to help you.

1. Give a direct answer to the task in

your introduction. The introduction

should introduce the topic and also your

main points (this is called presenting a

clear position). The examiner would need

to read all your essay before he/she gets

an actual answer - this is not good in

IELTS. Your thesis statement for this

essay should read: Although online

shopping can be seen as a positive

development in the modern world, there

are some minor drawbacks. Once the

examiner reads this in the introduction,

the rest of the essay becomes more

coherent. Also because you have chosen

a balanced approach to this essay, by

writing the thesis statement as I've

shown, gives a clear answer that it is a

positive development but with some

small drawbacks.

2. Academic language. Don't start your


sentences with Now, .... - unless you are

using it as a time phrase, which in this

essay you don't. We use "now" as a way

of putting attention on something for

speaking not writing. Also avoid using the

word "thing", it is not academic. In your

first sentence (Shopping is a thing, that is

going online, gradually), you could instead

write: Shopping is, increasingly, done

online rather than in-store. In another

sentence you have written: "Now, people

can order their things from a different

city or different state ... " You can change

this to: " People are able to order their

groceries and other essentials from .... "

3. Linkers: "like" is not an academic linker

and is only used in speaking. You need to

use for example, for instance, namely.

4. Don't use "etc" it doesn't demostrate a

good use of the English language. If you

want to give a list, then choose just two

or three examples and no more.

5. Idioms. Most idioms are used in

speaking rather than academic writing.

"Every coin has two sides" is not only

overused but also not particularly

academic. It would be better to write"

Despite the benefits to online shopping,

there are significant drawbacks." This

would get you more marks for both


grammar, vocabulary and linking words.

6. Start your conclusion with an academic

linker "In conclusion" is actually the most

academic linker to use to start the

concluding paragraph. To miss it out or

get it wrong, is a shame.

Government spend millions of dollars each year on their space programmers.

Most recently, Mars is the focus of

scientists' attention. Some people

think this many would be better spend

on dealing with problem closer to

home. Do Yo agree or disagree ?

The humankind was conquer the space

for several years, and they obtain on a

great knowledge from space, but, Is the

important of these knowledge evenness a

millions of dollars ? How we can used

these Knowledge.

In the first hand, Our world suffering

from vary problems and troubles issues

and also each government has their own

challenge, for example, The disease like

Ebola and Adas are killing a hundreds of

thousands each year. Many people in

Africa are suffering from starvation and

Our environment need more attention

and care to avoid future disasters.

Therefore Our government should spend

these millions on more important things


like researches to overcome environment

matters say; global warming. And also

offers drags and food to considerable

amount of helpless people .

In the second hand, We gathering plenty

of information about space and how it

walk, So how we can use to these

information to overcome our problems

and issues, I think 10% of these

information can be with meaning and

helpful for us but the remain 90% is just

to satisfy the desire of curiosity.

Eventually, The concentration on our

really problem is better than focus on

mars and space program and We should

firstly solve our problem and then

moving on discovering the other worlds.

You have done reasonably well in this

essay. However, there are some issues

which you need to work on. Here are

some comments to help you improve

your essay.

1. Don't ask questions in your

introduction.

2. There are two statements in an IELTS

introduction, the background statement

and the thesis statement. Your

background statement is fine but your

thesis statement does not present your


opinion. What is your opinion? Should

money be spent on space exploration or

on other more important things? Answer

this in your thesis statement.

3. Here's a link to a free video lesson to

teach you have to write an opinion essay

introduction: http://www.ieltsliz.com/

ielts-writing-task-2-how-to-write-an-

introduction/

4. Use the correct linkers to start your

body paragraphs - firstly, another point

to consider (this is for a two point

opinion essay supporting one side).

5. Grammar: Be careful of capital letters

"In the first hand, Our world". Any

mistakes with capital letters will reduce

your band score.

6. Grammar: Tenses and Articles "The

humankind was conquer the space for

several years" = "Mankind conquered

space many years ago" or "Mankind has

conquered space for many years".

7. Grammar: Using uncountable nouns

correctly Be careful of uncountable nouns

- knowledge, research, information - they

can never be plural.

8. Vocabulary: be careful not to write the

wrong word "walk" = work (body

paragraph 2).

9. Use the correct linker to start your


conclusion. Here's a video lesson to

explain which ones to use: http://

www.ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-task-2-

conclusion-linkers/

Estimated Band Score :

TR: 6 (write your answer in the thesis

statement to improve this score)

CC: 6 (use the right linkers to improve

this score)

Voc: 6 (a good range of vocabulary but

also some errors)

Grammar: 5.5 (the reason this is so low is

due to the number of errors. There are

almost constant grammar errors.

Frequent errors will limit this score to no

more than 5.5).

Some people say that money can make life easier and more comfortable. But others say that having a great
amount of wealth can bring some problems. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of having a
lot of money? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or
experience.

Write at least 250 words.

It is indisputable fact that possession of a

amount of money allows people to live more

conveniently; however, there are several

potential dangers. The pros and cons of this

issue have been debated much upon and this

essay aims to highlight both.

The most obvious benefit gained from wealth is

its significant encouragement towards the

economic growth, which is attributed by the


noticeable escalation in the individuals

productivity at work caused by their ability to

afford academic programs at a wider range of

prestigious academic institutes. Also, we should

not forget to point out how this practice

resonating with the development of technology

could bring about the positive consequences on

facilitating women with easier housewives life

because the fact that due to the availability of

state of the art electronic devices, hardly any

housework are now totally accomplished

manually. For example, according to a study

conducted by the Time recently, a remarkable

30% of woman from classy families have not

done housework themselves for the past 5

years.

However, we should not turn a blind eye to the

expected undesirable outcomes, one of which is

the increasing quantity of conflicts as well as

social evils in the society, which are resulted in

by the fact while siblings domestic conflicts may

be intensified when each child trying to get a

larger share of the massive inheritance upon the

death of their parents, some youngsters who are

lured by others wealth commit various crimes in

pursuit of instant welfare. Another threat worth

preparing for is the negative influence of this

practice on childrens personality development

because of parents prevalent misconception

that greater amount of monetary support can


make up for their lack of care of their children,

which is blame for not only the childs isolation

to his poorer peers but also his bad behaviors

due to customs of spending money without the

adults supervision at such an early age. My

cousin who was ruined by his parents money

and convicted for snatching someones bag on

the street for fun would serve as a concrete

example.

In conclusion, it is thus imperative for people to

be fully aware of both merits and pitfalls

associated with money before making decision

of pursuing wealth in order to increase their

living standards.

Sammie

Posts: 3

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09, 2014 3:12

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Re: [Task2] Money work and life topic

by IELTS

Liz Tue

Nov 11, 2014

1:54 pm

Hi Sam,

Here are some comments to help you develop

your essay further. These comments are aimed

at band score 6.5 and above.

1.
Body paragraph 1: Make your main points

focused. You first main point covered

economics, work and education - what was your

main point exactly? Your topic sentence must

contain one clear main point in order to get

band score 6 and above.

This main point was not sufficiently developed to

get a good score in task response. Also this

essay was not about wealth for the country but

wealth for individuals. Here's an example of

how your first body paragraph should be

written:

The most obvious benefit to having money is

that people are able to afford not only basic

necessities but also luxuries which can be used

to enhance their lives. One clear example is

people being able to afford a good level of

education for their children which in turn will

help the children secure a better job in the

future and this benefit the family. Another

advantage to money is the effect it has had on

the role of women in the family. With the

development of household technology, money

enables people to buy such technology which

allows women more time so they can join the

work force and contribute to society as well as

the family.

Think of one clear advantage and then explain it

in one more sentence. Give another advantage,

use the right linker, and explain that. This is the


technique for adv/ disadv essays. The examiner

is looking for developed and supported ideas,

not just a wide range of ideas.

2.

You have good paragraphing but you could use

more linkers. Showing the examiner that you can

be flexible with linking is important. Don't

overuse them but you should use more than you

have.

3.

All examples should be written in third person

singular or plural for an academic essay. So

don't write about your cousin, write about

people in general. "For example, some children

can be ruined by their parents money and this

can result in ..."

You have good grammar and vocabulary on the

whole. However, keep control of your sentences.

One of your sentences was 71 words - this is too

long and shows a lack of punctuation and

control. Here's the example:

Another threat worth preparing for is the

negative influence of this practice on childrens

personality development because of parents

prevalent misconception that greater amount of

monetary support can make up for their lack of

care of their children, which is blame for not

only the childs isolation to his poorer peers but

also his bad behaviors due to customs of

spending money without the adults supervision


at such an early age.

You need to break it down:

Another drawback worth highlighting is the

negative impact that spending too much money

has on the development of a child's personality.

In other words, many parents believe that by

indulging children, it can make up for the lack of

parental guidance but in reality this is often the

actual cause of further problematic behaviour

which can lead to actions bordering on criminal

acts.

4.

You also need to use vocabulary relating to

advantage / disadvantage. Here's a list:

advantage: benefit, gain, positive point,

advantageous, beneficial, positive aspect

disadvantage: drawback, problem, issue,

problematic, negative consequence / aspect.

The only way to reduce the amount of traffic

in cities today is by reducing the need for

people to travel from home to work,

education or shoping. To what extent do you

agree or disagree??

Nowadays levels of greenhouse gases and

their effects on the environment represent

one of the main concerns of the occidental

societies. One of the main sources is the

traffic emissions, so to beat this problem we

ought to reduce them. As there is not yet a

general agreement about how, in this essay


some options will be dicussed.

Many feel decreasing the need of travel to

work, school or shopping will be a proper

solution. For a great part of the population is

impossible to walk to acomplish their daily

routines, as they live too far from these

places. Commonly, the most time efficient

way of doing so is driving all this short trips,

which at the end of the day is an important

contribution of CO2 per person to the

atmosphere . Thus is logic to think that

reducing distance of this movements the

problem can be solved.

Unfortunately, there is many counters for

this solution. Firstly, we should find for each

one a place to live near their working places,

wich is physically impossible. And even the

matter of space was solved, there is still the

question that some of them may canot

afford the price of that residences or that

they may prefer to choose a diferent housing

or a different place to stablish themselves.

Then maybe the alternative solution would

be reduce the number of trips that take

place everyday. The problem is the only

variable that can be modified is shopping, by

buying bigger amounts each time instead of

going so often, and that's not a change big

enough for our challenge.

In conclusion, after reviewing all of this


possibilities and finding the fact that needs

cannot be modified, the best solution might

be to change the way the needs are being

satisfied. Encouraging the population to

share their cars or to use more often the

public transport services will be key to

reduce the pollution.

You have tried hard with your essay and it

shows. You have good writing skills. Here are

some comments which will help you improve

this essay quite easily. These comments

follow the band score requirements which

the IELTS examiner will use to assess your

essay.

Task Response :

You need to look more clearly at the

statement and at the task. This task was an

essay about how to reduce the amount of

traffic and the solution offered was to reduce

the need for people to travel in their daily

lives (work, shopping etc). Your task is to

common on their solution and then possibly

add other solutions to reduce the amount of

traffic.If you look at the task more clearly,

you will be able to discover clearer main

points for your second body paragraphs. So

your main points could have been:

Body Paragraph A: problems with given

solution of reducing people's travel to work


etc.

Body Paragraph B: Another solution -

Improve public transport so that more

people can use buses which will reduce the

amount of private vehicles on the road.

Body Paragraph C: A final possibility - Have a

traffic free zone in the center of the city.

One significant problem, you have is that

you have introduced a new main point in

your conclusion. This will reduce your band

score in the criteria of task response. 1.

there much be no new ideas given in the

conclusion 2. all main points must be

developed in order to get a high band score.

Therefore, this point should have been in

your second body paragraph.

Coherence and Cohesion :

You have good paragraphing which can get

you over band score 7. However, you have

few linkers in your essay. Here are some

linkers to use in a solution essay: due to /

owing to / by doing this / consequently / as a

result / thus / so. Also, don't use "and" or

"but" at the start of a sentence - these are

conjunctions and come between sentences in

academic writing not at the beginning. 25%

of your marks is your paragraphing and

linking words - don't forget your linkers

Vocabulary : You have a very good range of

vocab to get band score 7 and above.


Grammar : You have a good range of

complex sentences which can get you over

band score 7.

Overall, work on analysing the statement

and planning your main points more clearly.

Also work on using linking words. It's easy to

correct these problems, so you should do

well in the test

Many governments in the world spend large amounts of money on art which helps to develop quality in peoples
life. However, governments should spend money on other things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree. Give
your opinion.

Art, is in all its forms, is one of the most

valuable expressions of human nature. For

instance, painting, sculpture, theatre and

cinema are some of the main reasons that make

life worth living. Nevertheless, the world today

demands other kind of primary necessities. It is

agreed that governments should spend their

money more wisely when their people are in

need for other kind of basic requirements. This

will be proven by showing that primary needs

like health and education are essential to

human life, conversely to superfluous needs like

art.

As it is easily proven, if a nations people are not

healthy enough to produce richness throughout

their work, soon they will lack basic means of

sustain like food, water or clothing. For instance,

in the African continent, countries in the sub-

Saharan region are a terrifying example of the


consequence of lacking a proper healthcare

system. Thus, it is believed that healthcare is a

major pillar of the human survivability being

more essential than art.

As far as education is concerned, imagine how

art could be presented without inherent

education care. Consequently, without a proper

education system, art as we know it today would

be impossible to exist. Hence, it can be said

that art is a direct consequence of a highly

educated society. Therefore, it is proven that

governments should direct their budgets mainly

towards education instead of art.

Overall, as the above discussion as shown,

governments should primarily address areas like

health and education. These are considered

essential to human life and should be given

priority over others, such as art. Thus, nations

worldwide should take definitive measures to

assure that spending money on redundant

things like a painting or a sculpture should not

be prioritized over education and healthcare.

Axiom

Posts: 28

Joined: Tue Nov

04, 2014 11:48

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Re: Writing task2 essay - need opinion

by
OnlineEnglishTeacher

Sun Nov

09, 2014

10:52 pm

This is quite an impressive essay, with some

errors.

Word repetition:

"art 8

education 7

human 4

essential 3

life 3

proven 3

governments 3

healthcare 3".

Many governments in the world spend large amounts of money on art which helps to develop quality in peoples
life. However, governments should spend money on other things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree.

Give your opinion.

Art, (no "is") is in all its forms, is one of the

most valuable expressions of human nature. For

instance, painting, sculpture, theatre and

cinema are some of the main reasons that make

life worth living. Nevertheless, the world today

demands other ("kinds") kind of primary

necessities. It is agreed that governments

should spend their money more wisely when

their people are in need for other ("kinds") kind

of basic requirements. This will be proven by

showing that primary needs like health and

education are essential to human life, conversely

to superfluous needs like art.


As it is easily proven, if a nations people are not

healthy enough to produce richness throughout

their work, soon they will lack ("the") basic

means of ("sustenance") sustain like food, water

or clothing. For instance, in the African

continent, countries in the sub-Saharan region

are a terrifying example of the consequence of

lacking a proper healthcare system. Thus, it is

believed that healthcare is a major pillar of (no

"the") the human survivability being more

essential than art.

As far as education is concerned, imagine how

art could be presented without inherent

education care. Consequently, without a proper

education system, art as we know it today would

be impossible to exist. Hence, it can be said

that art is a direct consequence of a highly

educated society. Therefore, it is proven that

governments should direct their budgets mainly

towards education instead of art.

Overall, as the above discussion ("has") as

shown, governments should primarily address

areas like health and education. These are

considered essential to human life and should

be given priority over others, such as art. Thus,

nations worldwide should take definitive

measures to assure that spending money on

redundant things like a painting or a sculpture

should not be prioritized over education and

healthcare.
Posts: 270

Joined: Thu Jan

30, 2014 11:00

am

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Re: Writing task2 essay - need opinion

by Axiom

Mon Nov

10, 2014

9:53 am

Thanks for reviewing my essay.

Can you estimate how much it could score?

Axiom

Posts: 28

Joined: Tue Nov

04, 2014 11:48

am

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Re: Writing task2 essay - need opinion

by

Johnson

zhang Mon

Nov 10, 2014

10:05 am

Many governments in the world spend large

amounts of money on art which helps to

develop quality in peoples life. However,

governments should spend money on other

things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree.

Give your opinion.


Art, is in all its forms, is one of the most

valuable expressions of human nature. For

instance, painting, sculpture, theatre and

cinema are some of the main reasons that make

life worth living. Nevertheless, the world today

demands other kind of primary necessities. It is

agreed that governments should spend their

money more wisely when their people are in

need for other kind of basic requirements. This

will be proven by showing that primary needs

like health and education are essential to

human life, conversely to superfluous needs like

art.

From your intro, I see that you think a

government should budget wisely . Its primary

role is providing fundamental needs to its

people.

but i don't think you've made your point

completely clear in your intro.

try and make you intro as clean as possible by

stating your ideas clearly

good work

Nothing is impossible! Band score 9 is certainly

not.

Johnson zhang

Posts: 122

Joined: Fri May

23, 2014 8:34

am

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Re: Writing task2 essay - need opinion

by IELTS

Liz Mon

Nov 10, 2014

1:07 pm

Hi,

For Task Response, you would probably get

about 6.5. This is an opinion essay expressing

your opinion not a discussion essay discussing

what is generally believed. You also haven't

actually explained why money shouldn't be

spent on art.

For Coherence and Cohesion, you have done

well with your paragraphing and organisation.

Unfortunately, you have got an errors with

linkers "Overall" is used for an overview

statement in task 1, not for a conclusion in task

2.

For grammar, while you have complex language

you also have a few errors. Example: Art is, in

all its forms, one of the ..... Having a few errors,

would limit you to band score 7 for both criteria.

For vocabulary, about band score 8 - flexible

and a very good range.

Comments:

1. Have a direct answer to the statement in your

introduction. If it asks for your opinion, then

give your opinion.

2. Answer all aspects of the statement.

3. Use the right academic linkers - it's so easy to


learn linkers and easy to avoid errors. It is

important to avoid mistakes with linkers for

band scores 7 and above.

Question: Even though globalization affects the worlds economics in a very positive way, its negative side should
not be forgotten. Discuss. You should write at least 250 words

Due to our modernistic lifestyle, we tend to

lean back on our comfort zone, however, we

are not thinking that what will happen to our

future generation? Within the past decade

our oil,gas,mine reserve has depleted to

such an extent that in future there would be

war's fought between the country's to attain

these basic amenities. Some believes that

world economy will collapse due to scarcity

of these resources. These points of view will

be discussed in this order.

It is believed by some that the biggest

problem that the globalization is causing, we

are over-utilizing natural resources and even

harming the nature's natural cycle due to

which weather is creating havoc for

everyone. For example, recently we have

witnessed Tsunami in Japan, this came due

to change in weather condition or in other

words it is an effect of globalization. Hence,

we can see that human being is poking their

nose in natural cycle which is creating

problem.

On the contrary, many argue that

globalization is not hampering lifestyle of


many, however, they also believe that we

should not exploit nature to extreme,

moreover, one can take precautionary

measure so that nature and its resources can

be preserved. For example, in today's world

many MNC's taking green initiative where

they are cutting down the usage of paper.

Thus, in the present situation globalization is

not alarming for some and it can be

restrained.

To conclude, the reasons on which some are

claiming that globalization are immensely

hampering the natural resources and causing

its downside are supported and refuted by

many. However, the negative impact cannot

be ignored, hence, it is clear every country

should put in strenuous effort to preserve

nature, otherwise, it would be imperative to

save the world from catastrophe.

It's a good essay on the whole which would

probably get you about band score 6.5

overall. Here are some comments to help

you based on the IELTS marking criteria:

Task Response: You discussed the issue given

by you must note that this main topic is

"economics", therefore, you should have one

body paragraph that addresses this. IELTS

discussion essays usually require you to

discuss both sides (this title was not taken


from a real IELTS test). Make sure you

practice with real exam questions.

Coherence and Cohesion: You have organised

your essay appropriately into clear

paragraphs and you have used linkers well.

This would help you get band score 7 and

above in this criteria.

Vocabulary: Be very careful using idioms. To

get a band score 7 and above you should use

idiomatic language but this does not mean

idioms. "Leaning back in a comfort zone" and

"poking their nose in", these are all idioms

which are used in speaking not in academic

writing. You would lose points in IELTS

writing task 2 for using inappropriate

vocabulary. If you avoid these, your natural

vocab is actually very good.

Grammar: You are using a good range of

complex sentences but the quantity of errors

will reduce your band score. Band score 6 =

some errors, Band score 7 - few errors. The

person who commented before has kindly

highlighted some of your errors, but there

are many more. You have too many errors to

get above band score 6.5 in this criteria. You

must work on reducing errors. For example:

some believe (no "s" needed), the world

economy (the), the scarcity (the), natures

natural cycle (no "the" needed). the majority

of mistakes are noun/verb agreement and


articles.