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conversations
During the performance and development process it may be necessary for team leaders to have difficult
conversations with team members. A difficult conversation is anything you find hard to talk about and can
involve a range of factors.
Typically a difficult conversation will involve:
dealing with problematic behaviours or actions
dealing with a sensitive issue.
The goal of a difficult conversation would be to positively resolve the issue at hand whilst improving
communication and the relationship of the two parties involved.
There are three main perspectives1 which are formulated during a difficult conversation. These are the:
2. Feelings perspective
Difficult conversations are not just about what happened; they also involve emotion. Every difficult
conversation asks and answers questions about feelings. Are my feelings valid? Are they
appropriate? Strong feelings are bound to arise and it is important to think about how to handle them
when they do.
In the presence of strong feelings, many of us work hard to stay rational. Bringing up feelings can
also be scary or uncomfortable and can make us feel vulnerable. Whilst some people prefer to keep
emotion completely out of difficult conversations, acknowledging, accepting and being aware that
emotions exist within difficult conversations aids in understanding a situation.
1
Stone, D., Patton,B. & Heen, S. Difficult Conversations.2000. Penguin Books. London.
3. Identity perspective
The identity perspective is the way we interpret what this situation means to us. Of the three
perspectives it is the most subtle and the most challenging. The challenge lies in the possibility that
this may cause conflict with our self image. The result may be a loss of confidence, concentration or
forgetting what we wanted to say.
Once we have grounding in the identity perspective it offers significant leverage in managing anxiety
and improving skills in the other two perspectives. If we are grounded and aware of our identity it can
aid us in maintaining strength in the situation.
2. Reflect on the purpose of the conversation and decide whether to raise the issue:
Shift your stance to support learning, sharing and problem solving.
What do you hope to accomplish by having this conversation?
Is this the best way to address the issue and achieve your purpose? If you dont raise the
issue, what can you do to help yourself let go?
3. If you decide that having the conversation is the best way to resolve the issue:
a) Begin the conversation on fair and equal ground
Describe the problem as the difference between your version and their version of the event.
Include both viewpoints as a legitimate part of the discussion.
Share your purposes for the conversation.
Invite them to join you as a partner in sorting out the situation together.