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Audrey Wilson
10 December 2015
Expectations of Empathy

Gender-role stereotypes play a huge role in our expectations and perceptions of ourselves

and those around us. Gender stereotypes are beliefs about the behaviors and characteristics of

each sex (Martin 1891) or a set of associations between gender labels and gender-related

beliefs (1892). These beliefs, whether we consciously acknowledge them or not, are part of our

worldview and affect how we perceive and interact with others. Because of the subversive nature

of gender roles, it is important for us to acknowledge the existence of these stereotypes and how

they affect us. We are constantly under the influence of social stimuli.

Society and social expectations shape our thought processes, and it takes great effort to

unlearn some of our more problematic tendencies. Psychologist Cordelia Fine calls the space in

which we learn these tendencies the social context (26). It influences who you are, how you

think and what you do. And these thoughts, attitudes and behaviors of yours, in turn, become part

of the social context (Ibid.). The whole system of social context is very circular, which is why it

can be so difficult to break free of toxic social norms and gendered stereotypes. However, it is

crucial that we do break out of these outdated and harmful views of gender. These gender-role

stereotypes, perpetuated in our society by media, literature, and some questionable science, put

immense amounts of pressure on individuals, particularly women, to conform to them. For

women, conforming to the motherly gender-role assigned to them forces them to put so much

effort into caring for others that they have little time to care for themselves. This is dangerous

and detrimental to the mental and physical health of women.

In her book Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create

Difference, Cordelia Fine presents a list where she describes the way in which our society
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perceives the typical woman. Put another way: this list describes the characteristics we expect a

typical woman to have based on our gender-role stereotypes. According to Fine, our society

believes the typical woman is compassionate, loves children, dependent, interpersonally

sensitive, nurturing (Fine 3). Fine goes on to point out that theseare ideal qualifications for

someone who wishes to live to serve the needs of others (Ibid.). She labels these characteristics

as communal personality traits or traits built to foster relationships and community.

Fines claim about the expectations of our society is reinforced by research from Simon

Baron-Cohen, a professor of developmental psychopathology at Cambridge, which says the

female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy and that women are more likely to

spend hours happily engaged in coffee mornings or pot-luck suppers, advising friends on

relationship problems, or caring for friends, neighbors, or pets (Baron-Cohen, They Just

Cant). Women are expected to assume the roles of caretakers and emotional supporters whether

in the home or in the workplace. According to Baron-Cohen and many members of our society,

women are hard-wired to work for or with others. These roles require women to always be

focused outside of themselves and on other people.

The masculine counterpart to Fines list shows what she calls agentic descriptions (Fine

4). This list contains the words: leader, aggressive, ambitious, analytical, competitive, dominant,

independent and individualistic (Ibid.). These are less focused on fostering and nurturing

relationships and more on getting ahead and finding personal success. As Fine says: These are

the perfect traits for bending the world to your command, and earning a wage for it (Ibid.). The

gender-role stereotypes of women are more passive: they are meant to take in, understand, and

maintain the stability of the world around them rather than alter it. The gender-role stereotypes of

men outline an individual who is made for shaping the world and bending it according to their
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needs and desires. According to Baron-Cohen The male brain is predominantly hardwired for

understanding and building systems. His research suggests that not all women possess a female

brain and not all men possess a male one, but that, on average, the empathetic brain has been

observed more frequently in women and the systemizing brain more often in men (They Just

Cant).

Baron-Cohens research claims biology is responsible for the differences in male and

female characteristics. Fine argues, however, that, despite attempts by researchers to remove

culture from the equation, we are always being influenced by gender stereotypes. She admits that

its easy to underestimate the impact of what is outside the mind on what takes place inside

(Fine 26). She emphasizes the importance of remembering that there is no bright line

separating self from culture, and the culture in which we develop and function enjoys a deep

reach into our minds (Ibid.). The claim that women are inherently or naturally better

empathizers and men are better leaders due solely to the biology of their brains is a hard one to

substantiate. Fine explains that terms like hardwired on loan from computer science where it

refers to fixedness translate poorly to the domain of neural circuits that change and learn

throughout life, indeed, in response to life (Fine 178). Our minds are constantly changing in

response to outside stimuli, and it is nearly impossible to separate biological brain functions from

learned ones.

Women are expected to be counselors and emotionally supportive in our personal

relationships. Our society expects us to be compassionate and empathetic towards others, and if

we arent, we are criticized and denounced for being cold or bitchy. Not making ourselves

constantly available to meet someone elses desires (emotional or otherwise) is seen as

unreasonable and selfish. Women are so often demonized for not being in tune with or attentive
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to the emotional needs and desires of others that it feels as though we must be constantly aware

of other peoples emotions. Fine suggests this is where the idea that women are naturally more

empathetic than men comes from. She writes that ones performance on cognitive empathy

tasks involves a combination of motivation and ability (Fine 22). Social expectations motivate

women to be more attentive to the emotions of others, making it seem like women are the more

empathetic sex. Our expectations can have a big impact on how successful we are at certain

tasks. Fine argues that expectations can create a motivation gap as well as an ability gap (22).

Women are expected to place the needs of others, especially those of family members,

before their own. (Eagly) Society so stridently demands that women be selfless and focus on

others that we often do not have time to care for ourselves. We are shown that our self-care

comes secondary to the emotional comfort of others. Every time a woman is told to smile or is

accused of having a resting bitch-face she is reminded that how she feels is not as important as

how others feel. If she is making someone uncomfortable by not appearing happy, it is socially

acceptable for that someone (usually a man) to tell her to cheer-up and smile because gender-role

stereotypes tell us that it is the duty of women to be empathetic and responsive to the emotional

needs and desires of others. This idea demeans and devalues womens emotions. It places them

secondary to the feelings of others.

The perceived empathy of women affects the types of careers they are expected to (and

therefore do) pursue. Baron-Cohen explains that people with the female brain make the most

wonderful counsellors, primary-school teachers, nurses, carers, therapists, social workers,

mediators, group facilitators or personnel staff (Essential Differences 185). These are all careers

that, as Fine put it, serve the needs of others (3). Of course, these are all wonderful things to

be. We need carers, therapists, mediators, and all the rest (even though society tells us STEM
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fields are more important). Serving others is a noble and wonderful and worthwhile pursuit that

can be extremely rewarding. However, women are so often forced into these caring roles, roles

where they are tending to others, that it is easy to see women as secondary. Womens roles are

always made for supporting other people, for being empathetic and compassionate. All the

careers listed by Baron-Cohen are careers which require the worker to focus on someone other

than herself. Again, these careers are by no means lesser than any others. The problem is that

these careers are labelled as feminine, leading to the idea that women should be secondary. When

women work for themselves they are labeled as selfish. A woman who chooses to pursue a career

rather than start a family is told shell regret not having children. Shes told she is being selfish,

like its her duty to produce children. But men who do the same are respected for being so

devoted to their work.

Men, more than women, are implicitly associated with science, maths, career, hierarchy

and high authority. In contrast, women, more than men, are implicitly associated with the liberal

arts, family and domesticity, egalitarianism and low authority. (Fine 5) Going back to Fines list

of typical traits, we find in the male list the word leader. A trait of the average man is that he

is a leader. We associate men with authority, with power, and with control. While the typical man

is a leader, the typical woman is dependent. Women are domestic, unauthoritative, and passive

in our cultural narrative. We expect men to be leaders in our society. Typical women, on the other

hand, are followers. This implies that women in leadership roles are an exception. We are not

expected to be in charge or take the lead, so we dont expect that in ourselves. The patterns of

their environment, in other words, altered the gender stereotypes represented in the implicit

mind. (Fine 7) We have been trained to see ourselves as secondary. No wonder we so often

forget to take care of ourselves.

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Socialized self-sacrifice is one of the major reasons women suffer so much from a lack of

self-care. Sacrifice, rather than selflessness, requires that you give something up in order to help

others. Selflessness means disregarding your personal desires in order to aide someone else. Self-

sacrifice is, by nature of the word sacrifice, detrimental to the one doing the sacrificing. The

gender-role expectations of women demand that they be attentive and receptive to the emotional

needs of others, regardless of their own needs. Women are expected to be nurturing, empathetic,

and compassionate towards others even if that means ignoring or suppressing our own emotions

and needs. We have been so socialized to put ourselves second that we rarely make time to be

nurturing, empathetic, and compassionate towards ourselves. When women take on the

emotional burdens of others and are never given the opportunity to take care of their own issues,

the weight builds up until it is nearly unbearable. We spend so much time supporting others that

our own emotional needs become buried under those of the people we are supporting. This can

lead to many health issues both physical and emotional. Keeping feelings bottled up can cause

fatigue and physical illness. As women are forced into the role of caretakers and emotional

supporters, they often struggle to support themselves.

Susan Nolen-Hoeksema reports in her 2001 study Gender Differences in Depression

that women are about twice as likely as men to develop depression (173). She proposes that

this dramatic discrepancy could be caused because women have less power and status than men

in most societies and that they also experience more chronic strains, such as poverty,

harassment, lack of respect, and constrained choices (Ibid.). A womans assigned role as

caretaker, both within her family and out, can cause great amounts of stress especially when she

is sandwiched between caring for young children and caring for sick and elderly family

members (Nolen-Hoeksema 174). The social pressures placed on women to care for others can
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lead to burn-out and fatigue emotionally and physically. The stresses of living up to gender-role

stereotypes can manifest as depression and anxiety. Women spend so much time worrying about

others and caring for others that they have little time left to care for their own health. The buildup

of negative emotions and mental strain that comes from ignoring your own needs is a major

contributor to depressive and anxious symptoms in women.

Nolen-Hoeksema also mentions a lack of respect leading to depression in women. This

could be a lack of respect for the female sex in general. It could also, more specifically, be a lack

of respect for the work that women do. Caregiving work and clerical or assistant work arent

viewed or valued very highly. These stereotypically female fields, along with teaching and

counseling, are often considered secondary and lesser than scientific, mathematical,

technological, or engineering job fields. Feminine fields are less respected than masculine ones.

STEM jobs and studies are typically viewed as more difficult, rigorous, and important. Our

culture has decided that they are more worthwhile pursuits and are more integral to our society.

This disregard for female-dominated work can drag at the women in these fields. Their work is

labelled as unnecessary and inferior to male-dominated and male-typed work. Female-typed

work is severely underappreciated. This may be because this work has been labeled as

effeminate. It might also be because these fields are female-dominated. Its probably both. Our

society has a tendency to value male-typed characteristics and pursuits more than their female

counterparts. In her research on gender and depression, Robyn Bluhm notes an interesting study

centered on gender roles in Amish culture which supports the idea that the low value placed on

female-typed work leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness in women.

[It] suggests that there is no gender discrepancy in the rate of depression among the old

order Amish, a subculture that maintains a rigid division of gender roles. These findings
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may be interpreted as an indication that women accept their subordinate status or that (as

the authors themselves seem to suggest) women's work in this group is viewed as being

as valuable as men's. (Bluhm)

These roles are separate but equal. These gender roles still restrict the kinds of work women

can do, but in the case of the Amish, at least the roles women are told to play are of equal value

to those of men.

Depression also manifests more sharply in young girls than in boys. According to Nolen-

Hoeksema by about 13, girls rates of depression begin to increase sharply, whereas boys rates

of depression remain low, and may even decrease (Nolen-Hoeksema 173). She suggests that it

is around this time that girls begin to develop coping mechanisms for negative feelings. While

boys are taught to engage in vigorous, competitive play and avoid expression of negative

emotions, young girls learn to focus on the meaning of negative feelings (Figueira-

McDonough, Nichols-Casebolt, Netting 144). Studies suggest that ruminative coping methods

may prolong a negative mood (Ibid.).

Women also suffer more from generalized anxiety, anorexia, and bulimia (Figueira-

McDonough, Nichols-Casebolt, Netting 146-147). These mental illnesses are thought stem from

a variety of social influences (although many mental illnesses have been found to have biological

influences). According to Figueira-McDonough, Nichols-Casebolt, and Netting, learned

dependency and passivity (female-stereotyped traits) can lead to agoraphobia and panic disorders

(147). The traits expected of women by gender role stereotypes can lead to serious mental and

physical illness. The members of our society expected to be most aware of and in tune with

emotions and feelings are very often overwhelmed by them.

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In striving to meet the expectations put out for us, we learn and perpetuate harmful and

dangerous behaviors. Women are taught to internalize and focus on negative emotions when they

arise, but we often dont deal with them properly. We spend so much time mired in the world of

feelings and emotions, whether they are our own or somebody elses, that it becomes easy to be

overwhelmed. Ruminating on negative emotions for too long only prolongs these negative

feelings, causing long lasting anxiety and depression. Self-care practices help us to deal with

negative emotions in a positive, non-detrimental manner. Unfortunately, self-care takes time. Its

hard for women to find time for themselves when society tells them they should be worrying

about others. It is so important for us to learn that its okay to put ourselves and our health first

sometimes. We have to unlearn the idea that we are secondary in our own lives.

Gender role stereotypes hold a lot of sway over how we live our lives. They attempt to

tell us, based solely on the sex we are assigned at birth, how we should act, what we should feel,

and what to expect from ourselves. When we trap ourselves in boxes of how we should feel,

we bar ourselves from realizing what we actually feel. We can be consumed by the guilt of not

meeting societys expectations of our gender, and this can cause serious harm to our mental and

physical health. For women especially, it is important to be aware of how gender role stereotypes

affect our thinking and our lives, so we can free ourselves from the idea that the lives and

emotions of others are more important than our own. The culturally ingrained idea that we as

women are meant to play passive and secondary roles in our own lives is outdated and

outrageous. It is critical that we take a leading role in our own lives for the sake of our mental

and physical health.

Works Cited
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Baron-Cohen, Simon. The Essential Difference: Male and Female Brains and the Truth about

Autism. New York: Basic, 2003. Print.

Baron-Cohen, Simon. "They Just Can't Help It." The Guardian. Guardian News and Media

Limited, 17 Apr. 2003. Web.

Bluhm, Robyn. Gender Differences in Depression: Explanations from Feminist

Ethics. International Journal of Feminist Approaches to Bioethics 4.1 (2011): 6988.

Web.

Eagly, A. H., & Crowley, M. (1986). Gender and helping behavior: A meta-analytic review of the

social psychological literature. Psychological Bulletin, 100(3), 283-308. Web.

Figueira-McDonough, Josefina, Nichols-Casebolt, Ann, and Netting, F. Ellen. The Role of

Gender in Practice Knowledge: Claiming Half the Human Experience. New York:

Garland Pub., 1998. Print.

Fine, Cordelia. Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create

Difference. New York: W.W. Norton, 2010. Print.

Komarovsky, Mirra. The Concept of Social Role Revisited. Gender and Society 6.2 (1992):

301313. Web.

Martin, Carol Lynn, Carolyn H. Wood, and Jane K. Little. The Development of Gender

Stereotype Components. Child Development 61.6 (1990): 18911904. Web.

Nolen-Hoeksema, Susan. Gender Differences in Depression. Current Directions in

Psychological Science 10.5 (2001): 173176. Web.

Pace, Barbara G., and Jane S. Townsend. Gender Roles: Listening to Classroom Talk About

Literary Characters. The English Journal 88.3 (1999): 4349. Web.