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Dominguez 1

Ashly Dominguez

Writing 2

Speiser Winter 2017

22 March 2017

Revision Sheet

In the process of my WP1 revision, I first started with fixing grammar errors. I also went after

syntax in my sentences that I felt could be fixed. I used Professor Speisers comments from the

WP1 final draft to help guide me through this revision process. I then went on to fix my

introduction paragraph. I provided a stronger thesis statement that was more clear and straight

forward. In my revised essay I changed my thesis to I am going to juxtapose realistic blogs and

drama films on their different portrayals of heartbreak with an emphasis on purpose, audience

and tone. In doing so, I will discuss the importance of this juxtaposition. I feel that this thesis

statement is more effective than my original thesis statement because my original thesis

statement was very short and nonexplanatory. I also changed the type of films from romantic

tragedy films to drama films because I felt this revision would be a better contrast in my

essay. In my introduction, I also included concepts such as discourse communities and genre

analysis which is something I didnt have before in my original paper. I read my whole essay

again and realized that I could have used better organization in my paper. For example, in my

original paper, I only used 3 body paragraphs and put both sources of media in one body

paragraph. I realized this could have been a little bit messy. I went on edit the structure of my

paragraphs to make the essay flow more smoothly. In my revised version of the paper, I have 6

body paragraphs with each paragraph discussing one source of media. I made the structure so the

sources of media alternate in discussion of a feature such as audience or tone. I think this fix was

very effective because it gave my revised essay a better organized structure and flow. This
Dominguez 2

revision made my essay easier to read and more importantly, understand. I also went on to edit

my body paragraphs by adding more citing examples in order to further support my thesis. An

example of this is in my first body paragraph. I added an example on purpose on realistic blogs

from McAllisters perspective. This revision was much needed and it was interesting to read my

essay and realize how I have grown as a writer.