A BOXED-IN LOVE

(by: princessofdisaster)
I ll be there, honey. Just give me an hour and I ll be there. Need to get some things
. Okay? Bye
I love
I paused for a while, slightly moving the phone away from my ear. I reached the
building, the very building which contained all those memories my memories of you.
Apkujeong never felt this different. Well, except for a few people who could som
ehow recognize me and smile a little at me, nothing in this place seemed to have
preserved those times when fans would chase us down these streets, chanting and s
houting in excitement, while we just walked down to eat some patbingsoo or ramyu
n.
Fame is, in its own right, dangerously volatile, and the dissolution ten years e
arlier was a living proof.
Hon? Oh well, I love you, too. You owe me a kiss for spacing out. Bye!
Spacing out. Yes. I was sometimes good at that. But I always knew you were bette
r.
===
Annyeonghaseyo! My name is

Jessica?

Well, then, I guess

Oh, I m sorry, was I talking to you?
===
I approached the building. The security guard who was standing near the entrance
then smiled at me.
Good morning ma am, what can I do for you? Are you looking for oh! the guard rubbed hi
s eyes for a while. Then he bowed at me. Though he wasn t the same security guard
I used to bow down to and greet in the morning some ten years ago or so, I can t
ell he knew me. I smiled and bowed down in reply.
Good morning! I m just going to get things, I said, I forgot to get them some years ag
o.
The boxes must be heavy for you, right? the guard chuckled. You can always ask my h
elp if you have trouble with your things. He then folded his arms and tried to so
und stern. But why years ago? It couldn t be because you forgot them.
I just smiled back. Haha, oppa, you re really good in asking questions, I replied, Bu
t you would never understand if I tell you. See you later,
 Okay oh, just for the record, I still have the handkerchief you signed for me fifte
en years ago. The guard then pulled out a small white handkerchief and showed it
to me.
I bowed down to him once again and headed for the elevator. Thank you, oppa. I sai
d, without looking back at him.
Ting!~
The elevator doors opened. For seconds, I just stared at the hallways which had
again brought me nostalgia even more. I walked slowly out of the elevator, and a
long the hallways. I opened a door that led me to a large room.
Oh, shoot.
Even with only few furniture pieces, I could still feel the coziness of the plac
e. Empty boxes were piled up in one corner, and some pieces of paper were scatte
red across the floor.
I walked to the kitchen, and I began to smile as I walked over an empty space be
side it. The refrigerator where we used to stick up our crazy, dorky Polaroid pi
ctures used to be there. I remembered how that mushroom-haired girl cried in fro
nt of me on our last day so I could give those pictures to her.
I gazed at the countertops. They were all empty. I looked into the cupboards, th
inking I may have left something there. I found nothing but a few instant ramyun
noodles which were already expired. Fifteen years ago. The shikshin must have le
ft this. Again, I smiled to myself.
I gazed at the place before heading to my room. Sure enough, I can see you giggl
ing and laughing out of nowhere in that spot, spacing out and daydreaming in a c
orner, and, well, napping on the couch at that area. I began wondering if, durin
g all these years that you weren t showing even a trace or shadow to us to me, you re
still the same ice princess that I came to know and love.
When I stepped into my room, I started to wonder where I put those few things I
left a decade ago. Maybe the company got rid of them, I told myself. It couldn t be
though, because in one corner of the room, there stood a medium-sized box, and I
can see some of its contents which were starting to spill out from it.
I suddenly found myself sitting on the floor with my legs crossed. I started to
pull the things out of the box. Although there were too many things inside the b
ox which would sooner or later remind me of you and your love and would at the s
ame time cause me those painful memories, I was determined to look into those th
ings first before I put them away.
I pulled out a dusty pair of trainers from the box. I remember very clearly how
I carried these with me across the dance room when we started our training day.
You were smirking and sniggering with the dancing queen and the shikshin as I en
tered the room and saw that other trainees had their shoes on.
===
Um, Jessica-sshi, can I come in?
Oh, okay, but you can t step in here with your shoes on. You know, the rules.
Oh, okay, thank you for the reminder.
No problem.
===
I was pretty much embarrassed and I could feel my face getting red and warm, wha
t with the faces staring and giggling at me. I was almost going to confront you
because of what happened. Then, you just smirked and tried hard not to giggle in
front of me.
That s when I saw your smile for the first time, the first smile that I fell in lo
ve with. Because, just because, there was no other reason for it than the fact t
hat it belonged to you.
I searched for more things inside the box. After a moment, I was able to pull ou
t of the box a dusty old lollipop toy. It took me back to the time when we won t
he first Music Bank award. It was funny how we got into an accident, got late in
the event, and still won the award. It was the first time you held my hand. You
quickly pulled me nearer to you and held on tight to my hand while our car was
swerving uncontrollably down the road. I couldn t look at you, but at that time, I
was feeling scared not because I feared for my own life, but because I may only
have about five seconds or so to show you how much you took my breath away from
that moment you smiled at me.
===
What the AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Jessica!
Omo we re going to die!
Sica, it s going to be alright, I m here, just hold on to me,
Yuri-yah WAAAAAHHHH!!! (tires screeching)
===
Hearing the name Girls Generation in Music Bank that night was the best present eve
r. I couldn t help but shed all those tears of relief and happiness, knowing that
our car almost crashed on our way to the award event. I looked for you among the
growing crowd of idols in the stage, and there you were you had a blazed look at
me. We stared at each other for what seemed like a century, walked slowly toward
s each other, then, just then
I didn t know what I had in mind, except that I suddenly pulled you into an embrac
e. You didn t even resist; instead, you leaned your head onto my shoulder and crie
d softly. I guess you had only known me as a friend at that time. But I knew for
sure that you were someone I didn t want to lose for the rest of my life that perso
n I wanted to see forever with.
I scurried more things from the box and found a handkerchief. From the looks of
it crumpled and slightly brown in color this had been for a thousand times a witness
to all the tears that we shared when we were still together.
===
Why can t he just stay a little longer? Jaejoong-oppa is Japan is
I know, Sica, but he s, you know business matters,
But why break up with me? He can just call me every night while he s away,
 I don t know, maybe, just he needs some time to prove his worth I think,
Really? But I know he had already proved it,
Maybe he just wanted to come back to you as someone who s even more, um, who s even b
etter?
I can t live without him, I just can t
It s okay, Sica. Just let it all out. I m here for you we re best friends, right? No Jaej
oong-oppa or any other guy is going to hurt you when I m around,

===
And it s the first time I handed you this handkerchief. I couldn t say anything more
after that. I didn t have any more advice to give. I just wanted to hear your voi
ce, listen to your sobs and to those stories of how you and that DBSK singer had
an on-and-off relationship. Even though it pained me to see that you couldn t ret
urn my feelings back then, and that you loved someone else even though he couldn t
love you the same way, I just wanted to feel your pain.
It was the same handkerchief I cried on to whenever I saw him hold your hand, cu
ddle you, or kiss you. It s something I could never do with you.
I wondered how you could have that effect on my heart how I could still be happy e
ven in pain, how I could still be thankful even though I m that unfortunate not to
have you, how I could still live my life with meaning even if there seemed to b
e no meaning in telling you how much I loved you back then.
Minutes later, I found myself looking at some small pieces of paper stashed away
in a partly opened letter envelope. I smiled to myself again. These were the se
cret notes we ve been passing to each other while we sat in as guests in radio sho
ws.
===
Howdy?
Yuri-yah, keep focus on the show!
You re even spacing out and you tell me to focus? Keke~
Whatever.
Sica.
What?! Again?
Do you really mean it, what you said earlier about me meeting your in-laws?
Of course, keke. Why, you re my Kwon Seobang, aren t you? Keke~ You should meet mom.
===
At that moment, what you wrote to me got me all confused. I shook my head and wo
ndered if you really meant every little thing you ve written to me. At the same ti
me, I laughed at the fact that unknowingly, we were in our own little world duri
ng radio shows, chatting and giggling like there was no tomorrow. I would go ran
dom because I just couldn t stop making you laugh. It s just your smile that made my
day, and I wanted you to always smile and laugh, and melt those icy walls off y
ou.
During that show, I wondered if there was any way that you felt the same for me th
at you loved me not just as a friend.
My hand snaked down further into the box, reaching its very bottom. I felt a tin
y object and pulled it out of the box. It was something I didn t want to remember
the most about us. For all those years, the bond that our group shared remained
solid, and we ve remained best friends, but it seemed my selfishness got the best
of me.
It was your birthday, the time I had to tell you how I really feel about you. I
remembered taking a bike to and from Cheongdam Dong, bringing this thing along w
ith me. I felt nervous, because it was unlikely that you d respond to a situation
as bizarre as a girl feeling something for the same species. Nevertheless, I jus
t felt happy just because I was doing it for you. So tell me, was it selfishness
that got into me?
Things suddenly turned awry, however, at the party.
===
Omo Kwon Seobang, you re late!
Y-yeah, I came all the way from Cheongdam Dong because I had to do someth
It doesn t matter anymore, you re here.
Well, okay, uh, I-
Jaejoong-oppa!

Yah, Yuri, I brought Jaejoong along, if you don t mind.

But I thought
Well, he couldn t resist me. Keke Taeyeon brought me the best birthday present ever.
I thought you never wanted to see him again? That s a shock, at least for me.
Well, this doesn t matter either. I just wanted him to be here.
Okay
===
And God knows what happened next. I had to swallow mouthfuls of cake just seeing
the two of you cuddling next to each other, putting your head on his shoulder,
looking at him while singing our songs, or perhaps him telling you over the micr
ophone the sweetest words one could ever say:
My heart beats for only you.
Amidst the shouting and shrieking of the kid leader, the shikshin, the maknae, t
he dancing queen, the aegyo queen, mushroomfany, the doe I felt drowned out and w
ell, hurt. It didn t matter anymore, though. After all, it was your birthday, and
I didn t want to ruin your perfect day. When it was my turn to sing, my voice crac
ked as I belted out the lines:
Baby, come to me now
And be my lady
I ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart
The tears started forming at the corner of my eyes, so I had to turn my back on
you so you won t see me. After the song, I went out into the balcony to get some f
resh air, pulled out that object out of my pocket, and stared at it for seconds.
I traced its surface gleaming under the moonlight, and I wondered if I really h
ad to give it to you. I felt stupid and lost, but there was no turning back. I h
ad a lot of chance to tell you how much I love you, and that chance had to be no
w.
Carpe diem.
By the end of the party, Jaejoong s left arm was already hanging over your shoulde
r and across your back as we watched you struggle with his weight. We were walki
ng home to the company building in Apkujeong, and, hurt as I am, I just looked a
t you helplessly while you had a chance at Jaejoong. You accompanied him to the
elevator, and we waited for you at the lobby I couldn t help imagining you and Jaejo
ong making out and kissing each other goodbye during that moment. My stomach lur
ched.
Few minutes later, we and the other members walked into our dorm. We all felt ti
red since it was already two in the morning and we were able to finish your birt
hday cake and drink a couple of sojus. After some chat about the party, everyone
started walking back to their rooms.
===
Yah, Sica.
Hm?
Tired?
Yeah, and sleepy. Hey, can you bring these boxes of presents for me to my room? H
yo went straight to the bathroom and I had no one else to help me out.
Sure.

Um, Sica?
Hey, Yuri-yah, thanks for coming along.
No problem. Anything for my best friend.
Aw, how sweet of my Kwon Seobang. Keke~

Actually, I forgot throughout the party that I have something to give you.
Jinja, jinja?! Nice, nice! Is it DBSK? Oh, well, Jaejoong will still make a fine
present, keke~
 Unfortunately, no. I don t know how to put this
===
When we reached your room, I settled down the gifts on one corner and pulled out
that object from my pocket once again. As you were arranging your things on the
bed, I breathed in and out deeply, approached you, and, mustering all my streng
th
===
Here.

Do you like it? I can t think of anything, but you kept bugging me about it and tol
d me you liked that pair very much, so I

W-well, I think I have to go now. I m a bit sleepy. Goodnight Sica baby.

Yuri-yah.
What is it?
Do you like me?
Of course, as your best friend, I do.
Is that why you were acting strangely this evening?
What?! What the heck are you talking about? If you think I was being strange, it s
because the chocolate cake gave me the bad tummy and the soju didn t taste good.
No, I don t think so, Yuri-yah. You didn t even talk to me or look at me while I was
with Jaejoong.
Come on, you were all lovey-dovey, and we had to leave you two alone. Keke~
Not talking to me was part of the plan? Keeping silent the whole evening was part
of the plan? Refusing my chocolate cake was part of the plan? And singing THAT
song in front of me was part of the plan? I thought I knew you Kwon Yuri. But I
couldn t understand you all the while.
Oh come on, my frustrations over Yunho-oppa came over so I had to sing that song!
What does it mean to you, anyway?!
I hate you.
W-what!? What did I do wrong, Sica? You must have misunderstood me.

What now?!
Kwon Yuri. I kept wondering why you can t tell me directly what the hell was wrong
with you at the party. Now, I started to realize that it concerns me, and and you
can t tell me, your best friend, about it.
 Well, you didn t even tell me you hadn t given up Jaejoong yet.
And so? What is it to you, Kwon Yuri? Tell me, are you in love with me or somethi
ng like that?! Is that why you re jealous about Jaejoong going out with me this ev
ening? Is that it!?
I I m not it s not what it seems, Sica
Then what s wrong?!

===
You suddenly walked out of the door. All of the sudden, I felt the urge to snake
my hand out and grab you so you wouldn t leave the room so that you wouldn t leave me
alone ever again. The next thing I knew, I had pressed my lips against yours.
We stood still near the closed door, our lips still and locked to each other. I
didn t know if this felt right or wrong, but I had to do it. I had to tell you how
I really feel before it was too late, whether this meant a happy ending for the
both of us, or a tragic end of our beautiful friendship. I slowly pulled away f
rom the kiss, whispering:
I love
Suddenly, your eyes opened wide in shock. Then, I felt a surge of stinging pain
on my left cheek as you pushed me away. You accidentally dropped one of the pair
of earrings I gave you as you ran out of the room, out of the dorm and out of t
he building, I guess. I didn t dare follow you. Instead, I went beside the spot wh
ere the earring dropped and sat there, hugging my knees. Tears started welling u
p in my eyes again.
I love you, Jessica. My mind spoke.
===
M-ma am? Yuri-sshi?
A familiar voice came from behind me. I turned around to see someone peeking at
the door of the room. It was the security guard I met an hour ago.
Yes?
Someone s waiting for you outside.
Oh.
I immediately put the things back into the box. I ll be right down in a minute. I sa
id to the guard, who then nodded and left the room.
I stood up, then nodded down and stared at the box for a moment. As much as I wa
nted to bring it along with me downstairs, I didn t think it was necessary. I laug
hed at myself, thinking how stupid I was to have come back to this place and rem
inisce all the moments we ve shared together. I didn t mean to be such an infidel in
that way. Maybe it s because it reminded me of the failed three-word phrase I was
meaning to say to you ten years ago. Since it happened, we didn t even talk to ea
ch other, even in television and radio shows. Soon, our contracts have expired a
nd our group disbanded. And you left the dorm ahead of us without even saying go
odbye.
I never heard from you again since then.
Oppa!
Hey, Yuri-yah! What took you so long?
Nothing. I realized I haven t had things to get here after all. They were gone. I j
ust reminisced the days when I could still show my sexy S-line.
That s okay. I m doing the same right now..
The S-line? Show me!
Okay, here it goes. Keke~
Silly you!
A pair of arms greeted me in a warm embrace. I lingered in it for a while, and o
ne thing I was sure of was that it was better that I left it all behind in that
box, in that room. I stopped wondering what would have happened if we got togeth
er that fateful evening, or if I would have said those three words altogether to
you. After all, what mattered was the moment I looked up at the most wonderful
person I ve ever met and the one I wanted to share my life with.
But, still, I love you.
===
Miss?

Hey, miss?
W-what is it?
Pardon me for the question. But why are you out here in this field, crying?
W-well, I-I got rejected, I t-think?
By who?
It it doesn t matter anymore.
Well, okay, but I think you have to stand up and fix yourself now. It pains me to
see you like that. Plus, the park is closing.
Oh. O-okay, t-thanks. I really need to r-rejuvenate.
Here, take my hand. I suppose you need my handkerchief to help you with crying?
T-thanks , who-whoever you are.
Call me Yesung.
-the end-