Divorce Is Seldom The Right Answer!

Posted: Mar 19, 2011 |Comments: 0 |

It may sound terribly old-fashioned; marriage is a commitment, and couples must make every
attempt not to dishonor that commitment in any way. Staying married must be a lifelong mission. It
takes courage and nerves of steel to make a marriage work. Patience, a sense of humor and a lower
degree of self-importance can sustain us in this effort..

The obstacles will be numerous, and there will be situations where we will question our sanity, unsure
if we can really hang in there. It will be a monumental effort to remain attracted to the same qualities
that attracted you to your spouse on the first day you met. Your spouse Is still the same person you
fell in love with; neither of you is a stranger.

Marriage is a relationship of balance. . . And a balance that is so easily upset these days, and the
solution many people choose to deal with the unfortunate situation is to divorce. There is that
unrealistic belief that divorce makes people happier after they leave a sad marriage.

Studies appear to suggest that this is a myth, because evidence points to the contrary. Depression
symptoms do not necessarily diminish with divorce, nor did divorce raise people's self-esteem. It was
discovered that on average, couples who divorced, were no happier five years after the divorce, than
equally unhappy couples who stayed together.

A significant number of married people usually want to settle their divorce with the least possible
hassle, but divorce lawyers, those who care to admit it, agree that a painless divorce is non-existent.
And the trauma, legal, financial, and emotional, will be felt long after the divorcing couples have left
the courts.

Men and women perceive emotion, communication, sex, fidelity, work and money because of the way
they were socialized and because they have been shaped by their own parents' perceptions. They
bring these ideas into the marriage and hence have their own baggage of beliefs regarding what is
tolerable and intolerable in a marriage; what they have to give their spouse and what to expect in
return.

Remember that your partner is not your mirror image. In a loving, effective partnership, individuality
and separateness are wholesome concepts that each spouse must work at. A true understanding of
these gender differences should therefore lead us to the proper notion of a marriage. While many
people view marriage as a union, making two separate individuals one, we must still keep our own
individuality and deal with our own problems ourselves.

Be friends in a marriage. Friendship means an open and honest communication; a no holds barred
type of union where our comfort level with our spouse goes beyond a hundred percent; assured that
what we say and how we say it will not be judged or taken in a negative light.

If we have painted the unpleasant side of divorce, it is to help you realize that it may not necessarily
be the solution to your unhappiness, and life does have hitches and will always be full of obstacles,
threatening the stability of married life. We now offer some tips on how to save your marriage.
http://marriage-saving-tips.info
http://makingup-your-marriage.info http://anxiety-disorder-cure.info
 How to Save Your Marriage - 4 Important Tips to Save Your
Marriage
Posted: Mar 20, 2011 |Comments: 0 |
How To Save Your Marriage - 4 Important Tips Consider The question of how to save your
marriage can be a difficult one to deal with. With increasing demands on our time, it becomes easy to
allow our lives to take over, to the detriment of the relationship. In the humdrum of daily
responsibilities, we often lose sight of what's truly important. Think about it. Don't we all get married
with grand images of a future spent together? We imagine growing old and grow together and
enjoying all the moments, large and small, that fill the spaces in between. Whatever happened to all
those dreams? At a certain point, we feel as if reality has bit us in the rear and we become resigned
that life is just the way it is, day in and day out. We allow our lives and routines to define us rather
than empowering ourselves to define what we want our lives and routines to be like. Does it have to
be that way? Surely not! There are so many things to look forward to in your relationship and the key
to your success is in being proactive instead of reactive. You can still make the effort to reconnect with
one another. Quality time does not have to take a huge quantity of money and excitement to
accomplish. You just need to be creative and commit to focusing your energy and love on your partner
and relationship. More simply, it requires you to put your relationship first.Five Important Tips That
Can Help You Save Your Marriage:
Make time - It could be a lunch date in the middle of a work day, delaying going home for an
hour to walk in the park together, or it could be waking up early for breakfast. Or, you can pull out all
the stops and prepare a special evening at a restaurant followed by a movie or show, or a weekend
away at a hotel or a resort. How about a day at the beach? Or staying at home and learning to
massage one another? There are so many things you can do, and you can make them as simple or
as extravagant as you want. The point is to actually spend time together.

Take Initiative - Decide to take the initiative to work on your relationship, even without your
partner. Too many people believe that their partner has to be obliging before they start saving their
marriage. WRONG! Without one of you taking the first step and committing to a better outcome, you
are never going to make a change.

Become a Better Observer - Take a step back from all the crying, begging and pleading.
Remove yourself from all the drama of your relationship crisis and enable yourself to see things from
a different view. Learn to see the relationship from a different perspective, their perspective, and
take to heart how they perceive things from an emotional standpoint.

Learn To Forgive - Hard as it may be you must learn to release blame and start taking the
steps to get to know your partner again - as friends again, without the added pressure of being
lovers or depending on your partner for your own happiness.

http://marriage-saving-tips.info
http://makingup-your-marriage.info http://anxiety-disorder-cure.info
Is divorce still a dirty word?
0 Comments| New Straits Times, May 2, 2010 | by Chandra Devi Renganayar

The rate of divorce in the country is increasing. Is the social stigma once attached to
divorce no longer there? Has it instead become a badge of honour? CHANDRA DEVI
RENGANAYAR finds out

SOCIETY has always held strong opinions about divorce.

From a moral, social or religious perspective, many consider it taboo. Such a view
forced Janice, 60 (not her real name) to hold on to a troubled marriage for 30 years.

In her sixth year of marriage, she found out about her husband's infidelity. He was also
an alcoholic and a gambler. Coming from a conservative family, where divorce was
unheard of, she was "pressured" to stay on, to "save face".

"By then, I had two kids and was expecting my third child. I could have left him as I was
working and was able to support the kids. The problem was the shame and guilt I felt
about depriving my children of a father and a complete family life.

"My parents insisted that I should stay on for better or worse. A divorced woman, they
said, was not respected in our community.

"Back then, not many people spoke openly about divorce. Within my circle of friends
and family, it was unthinkable."

How different is the situation today?

Dr Alvin Ng Lai Oon, senior lecturer in clinical psychology at Universiti Kebangsaan

Malaysia, says society still generally disapproves of divorce.

He says many stayed on in troubled marriages because of the stigma attached to

divorce.

"Based on my clinical experience, the stigma still exists. The disapproval stems from an
individual's perception as well as a community's beliefs. It is a vicious cycle.

"Some people are more conscious about the status and are ashamed. This is due to
their upbringing. If they come from families and backgrounds that frown upon divorce,
then they are more likely to disapprove of it.
"For them, marriage is a concept of "till death do us apart." It is a religious sacrament,
hence, divorce is taboo," says Ng.

He also says that divorced women are more likely to be treated with contempt
compared with men.

"Gender socialization and societal expectations place values and judgments on women.
This makes it harder for divorced women to carry on with their lives."

Dr Noraida Endut, deputy director of the Women's Development Research Centre at

Universiti Sains Malaysia, agrees that the stigma is experienced more by women.

"Men who divorce have less problems continuing with their life. For divorced women,
their mobility in social life may be affected.

"It is a known fact that people are suspicious of divorced women, especially when they
are in the company of married men. This will somehow affect their ability to function on
an equal basis with other people in society," she says.

This social disapproval, she adds, cuts across all ethnic groups and socio-economic
backgrounds.

"I don't think rural folk or those less educated are more disapproving. We cannot
generalise.

"In Kelantan, for example, where divorce rates are among the highest in the country,
people are more tolerant generally. Kelantanese women are economically independent
and their social mobility is not affected so much by divorce.

"The rate of remarriage among divorced women and men in Kelantan is also quite high
and I think this is indicative of some kind of acceptance or tolerance of divorce."

Valerie Jaques, a counselling psychologist says divorce is perceived as negative

because marriage is an institution that must be upheld based on the vows written and
made.

She says perhaps the institution needs to be challenged and new ways of
understanding relationships explored.

Valerie believes that the marriage institution is poorly understood by many and based a
lot on unconscious emotions rather than on conscious awareness. This will not lead to
growth.

"Many go into marriage without knowing how they really feel.

"It is not impossible to have a successful marriage. However, it takes a lot of work. Most
people only address the situation when it is already diseased. By then, it will be difficult
to heal."

Sometimes it must be done

IF there is too much stigma attached to divorce, women facing domestic violence will be
trapped in a dangerous marriage, says Dr Noraida Endut, deputy director of the
Women's Development Research Centre at Universiti Sains Malaysia (Kanita).

"At times, divorce is absolutely necessary for those caught in difficult marriages. It would
be better for the children if their parents separate rather than have them live in a
situation where they witness their mother being bashed by their father, or they risk being
battered themselves.

"When situations become unbearable, divorce is generally not bad."

Although some studies have concluded that children will be impacted by divorce,
Noraida says it cannot be generalised that divorce is bad in all circumstances and that it
will lead to social problems.

"Yes, children will be impacted by divorce because of changes in the family structure.
For example, divorce will cause changes in family relationships, living and schooling
arrangements.

"We cannot, however, say that it will definitely cause social problems. There is no
conclusive evidence to say that children who are involved in criminal activities come
predominantly from divorced families."

For single mothers, their children's well-being pursuant to divorce is an integral issue.

"In most divorce cases in Malaysia, women end up taking care of the children. They
take physical custody of the children and in most cases; end up carrying the financial
burden as well.

"Even when fathers seek visiting rights, many end up not visiting their children."

Noraida also says that it is important to establish social and formal support to help
minimise the impact of divorce on families.

While there is some support via initiatives by women's organizations to help single
mothers rebuild their lives and develop economic independence, she says the support
for children post- divorce is far more difficult to find.
She says Kanita has received some funding from the Penang state government to
manage and offer micro-credit loans to single women.

"We are also conducting research on the social and structural support available to
single mothers."

Divorce and Children

by Paul Faulkner

Well, the evidence just keeps pouring in! I'm talking about divorce and
remarriage. Some researchers tracked the behavior of over two hundred
boys in a high-crime area from the seventh
grade to the twelfth grade.
We owe it to
They concluded that adolescent boys that
begin sexual experimentation at an early age our children to
are far more likely to be those who have try to avoid it.
experienced divorce in their families. Those
who had not experienced divorce were 59%
more likely to be virgins. And only 18% of the teenagers who acted out in
antisocial or delinquent behavior came from intact families.
What adults do through divorce drastically affects children in a negative way.
We can't always avoid the tragedy of divorce, but we owe it to our children
to try every possible way to avoid it.

Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: "Should a
man be allowed to divorce his wife for any reason?"

"Haven't you read the Scriptures?" Jesus replied. "They record that from the
beginning 'God made them male and female.' And he said, 'This explains
why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the
two are united into one.' Since they are no longer two but one, let no one
separates them, for God has joined them together."

"Then why did Moses say a man could merely write an official letter of
divorce and send her away?" they asked.

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted divorce as a concession to your hard-

hearted wickedness, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I
tell you this, a man who divorces his wife and marries commits adultery
unless his wife has been unfaithful."

Jesus' disciples then said to him, "Then it is better not to marry!"

"Not everyone can accept this statement," Jesus said. "Only those whom
God helps. Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made that way by
others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of
Heaven. Let anyone who can, accept this statement."

Some children were brought to Jesus so he could lay his hands on them and
pray for them. The disciples told them not to bother him. But Jesus said,
"Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven
belongs to such as these." And he put his hands on their heads and blessed
them before he left.(Matthew 19:3-15 NLT)
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What Are You Waiting For?
By: Debbie Burgin, Reader digest, Jun 2005

So, you've decided that you're no longer "a couple", but for whatever reason, you and your spouse have
decided to stay together "for the sake of the children".

Isn't that what the children need? Don't they need the strength of a two parent household in this mad
society that we live in? Don't they need the emotional assurance that Mom AND Dad are together? Don't
they? Or do they?

When my ex and I decided to divorce, we decided that he should probably live in the house with the children
and I, for their sakes. We weren't getting along to make things worse, as he was still doing the 'single dude'
thing outside of the house, skulking in at all hours of the morning, making hushed calls from his cellular
phone, etc.

I thought that I was doing the best thing for the children at the time. I allowed him to stay, because I didn't
want to put them through the emotional upheaval that I was sure that they would have to endure if I kicked
him out.

Something happened one night that changed my opinion on that whole "staying together for the kids" thing.

We were having one of our usual "discussions" at about two in the morning. As usual, it got loud, and our
eldest daughter woke up (she was ten at the time), came out of her room, and said, "Will you two stop it?! I
can't stand it anymore!" It was like a light bulb lit up in my head, and I thought to myself, "Why are we
doing this? Why are we putting these children through this nonsense? They're clearly not in the best
emotional place that they could be. We're done." At which time, I went downstairs, and sat at the kitchen
table. I thought long and hard about what I was doing. Why was I really allowing him to stay? Was it really
for the kids? Or was it for me? Was it because of my fear of being 'alone' that I allowed my children to hear
and be witnesses to things that I would prefer they not? Was it because of my fear of what kicking him out
would bring on?

Whatever the reason, I had to stop thinking about whatever it was that I was afraid of, and start thinking
about just what his presence in the house was doing to the emotional well-being of our children. They were
miserable. He had to go, and that was that.

It's my job as their mother, to make absolutely certain that my children are protected, emotionally,
physically and spiritually while they're under my roof. So, I stood up from that kitchen table, and walked
back up those stairs. He was standing at the top of the staircase, looking straight down at me. I looked up
at him and I said, "You have to go." To which he replied, "Go? Go where? Where do you expect me to go at
three in the morning?" I headed back down the stairs as I said, "I don't care where you go, but you need to
be out of this house tonight." He gave me the usual caveman response, "Well, if you want to try to make me
go, go ahead." But I was prepared. I said to him, "We can do this one of two ways. You choose. We can do
this the easy way, where you get your things, and walk out the front door on your own steam, or we can do
this the hard way, where you give me flack, and I call someone who'll help you be out of here in the next 15
minutes, with or without your stuff. It's your call."

So, after about two minutes, he packed what he could into a duffel bag, kissed the kids, and walked out of
the front door. Our eldest daughter, closed the door behind him, and said to me as she did so, "Thank God.
Now we can have some peace." Those words coming from her mouth changed my thinking forever.

When you think that you're staying together "for the kids", think again. Whatever emotional upheaval you're
going through in your situation, they're feeling as well. Don't think for a second that your children don't see
it. They see and hear much more than we realize. I decided that I would much rather have my children in a
loving, one parent household, than a dysfunctional, two parent household, in which the parents are
constantly at odds with each other. Kids are all eyes, and ears. They take in a huge percentage of what they
see and hear at home. My household is happy and healthy now. There's no fighting. There's no stress.

I made the right decision, and my children are much happier for it.

Martinis for Everyone!

Debbie Burgin

Copyright 2005 Debbie Burgin All Rights Reserved.

Debbie Burgin is a divorced mother of 3 who owns two businesses that she started post-
divorce. http://www.debbieburgin.com, and http://www.warnerdigitalmedia.com

Read more of Debbie's articles at http://www.debbieburgin.blogspot.com

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References

Burgin, D. (Jun 2005). What are you waiting for?. Reader Digest. p. 16

Chandra Devi Renganayar. (2010, May 2). Is Divorce Still A Dirty Word?. New Straits
Times.

http://makingup-your marriage.info. Retrieved March 22,2011

http://anxiety-disorder-cure.info. Retrieved March 22,2011