Running Head: TREATING INFIDELITY 1

Treating Infidelity

Nicholas Huggard

Kansas State University

Treating Infidelity 2

Abstract

Infidelity is something that has been prevalent within our culture for generations. By

definition, Infidelity is an issue that occurs between two or three people, but from a family

perspective it affects everyone. According to a study, statistics have shown to occur within 54%

of marriages where one or both of the spouses cheat on each other. That statistic alone shows

how this is something that a majority of families could have to deal with in some point of their

lifetimes and it is important that they seek those strategies to resolve the conflict early on. In this

paper we will be discussing just how infidelity not only effects the spouses, but how their

childrens development will be impacted as well. We will also take a look at how it would be

treated by a contextual therapist, and also by an experiential therapist.

Infidelity Overview

Merriam-Webster defines infidelity as the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual

relationship with someone other than one's husband, wife, or partner. These sexual acts of

infidelity may be easier to define than a romantic act but it largely depends on the couple and

their established boundaries. What one couple may see as cheating another couple may not see it

in the same way. Regardless of how the couple can see the infidelity though, it can still have a

detriment on their childs development. As far as what causes cheating, there is no concrete

answer. According to the AAMFT (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy),

affairs can be caused by numerous factors. Cheaters have been shown to have personal

dissatisfaction or low elf-esteem, or have low levels of satisfaction within the relationship.

Multiple affairs however can be a symptom that the cheater may have some level of addiction to
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sex, love, or even romance. They can be addicted to that level of passion that comes from a new

relationship.

According to Ana Nogales, the majority of children tend to experience very similar

symptoms from infidelity. Children start to experience a loss of trust once they learn about their

parents infidelity. They have a difficult time putting trust into the people that they love and that

they will not lie, reject, or abandon them. It is a process that is difficult if not impossible to trust

in those people.

Children also experience a sense of shame and confusion. A child can be left wondering

if it was their fault and sometimes a parent will even ask their child to keep it a secret, which

only further damages the child. Their confusion they develop stems from the fact that they see

marriage as a sham and love does not truly exist. If the parents stay married even though one of

them continue having an affair it only leads to more confusion. The child also develops

resentment and anger towards the cheating parent, since the parent can sometimes have to rely on

them as the emotional caretaker since their relationship with their spouse has been damaged.

Aside from the personal issues that happen with the child it also damages their ability to

commit to their partner as well. In the study done by Ana Nogales, it states how fifty-five

percent of adult children that came from families where one parent was unfaithful ended up

being cheaters themselves, demonstrating how this can set a poor example for the child.

Infidelity is something that parents tend to want to keep to themselves, not wanting to show their

child how their relationship can be seen as anything other than perfect. The study shown by Ana

Nogales does show how that potential relationship can be

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As for the parents, depending on the type of cheating that occurred, their relationship can

still be salvaged. According to one study, couples that had a case of infidelity reported the same

level of marriage stability as couples that had not experienced infidelity at all. (3) This was only

the case for couples that decided to stay together, if the couple chose to divorce they were

reported to have the highest level of marriage instability. This study is a prime example of how

infidelity does not necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed to fail, a couple can work

back to get it to a state of homeostasis. Since there is that risk of divorce it is important that

couples go seek some type of therapy to try and repair that relationship and trust within one

another.

Contextual Therapy

The first perspective that we are going to apply for the treatment of infidelity is the

Contextual model of therapy. The Contextual style tends to emphasize finding a balance between

the giving and taking portion within certain relationships. It looks at how those influences from

your past affect your current functioning and how you choose the decisions that you make.

According to Boszormenyi-Nagy, when people in a family are no longer concerned or loyal to

other members in their family, they lose the ability to develop trust have be able to depend on

anyone else in that family. Contextual therapy is established on that trust within one another, and

without that trust it can lead to further damage in that family, which leads to the goal of the

therapy. The goal of the therapy is working to establish back that sense of trust and develop a

sense of fairness within all of the relationships involved.

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Contextual therapists tend to view infidelity in a negative light, since balanced mutual

investment from the partners is such a fundamental part of establishing trust and responsibility.

Sexual fidelity is seen as being significant to developing trust and intimacy that helps strengthen

the bond in that relationship. Since there is that need of intimacy and trust, when it breaks it will

inevitably affect their children. Contextual therapists also tend to associate conflict and infidelity,

seeing it a cycle whenever couples tend to avoid conflict. This is especially common if the

individual grew up in a home that did not have open confrontation.

As a therapist, their role in the situation would be limited to two certain factors. They

would have to make sure they put emphasis on expanding the familys understanding of the topic

at hand, and to try and soften the blame that is being geared towards one person. The therapist

should also try and do a good job of encouraging personal accountability. It is important for the

family to realize how their decisions impact themselves, and the people around them as well.

Most importantly though, it is vital that the family defines forgiveness and the steps they can take

to approach it. In order for the therapist to gain the trust of the family they are working with,

they can use a process called multidirectional partiality, which means that the therapist takes

turns siding with each of the family members after another, in order to make sure that each

family member feels that their opinion is validated and that it carries some merit to the

conversation.

When assessing the situation, a therapist must look at if there has been a pattern of

infidelity. The answer can really help the therapist understand the person responsible for the

cheating, and can apply it to a childhood experience or some type of self-insecurity. A therapist
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needs to look at how the conflict is related to the infidelity, and also how the relationship

between the parents were before the infidelity was committed. It may also be important to look

at who exactly is aware of the infidelity. Parents may not try to tell their children in order to

either protect their children, or protect themselves to help their image to their children. In this

scenario a child may know that something is adherently wrong with the family but may not be

aware of exactly what is happening. If the children do know, how much does each person know

about the situation? It is also very important that therapists look at what other influences and

stressors are currently affecting the family, as it may give some level of understanding around the

situation and why the family reacted the way that it did. Older children may be affected because

they have a better sense of what is happening, and sometimes may pick sides between their

parents, creating even more inner conflict in the family.

After assessing the situation and the circumstances leading up to their session, a

contextual therapist will be able to decide the best way to console them. When the session is

completed the family being helped should have some balance that they can build upon.

Trustworthiness and loyalty will have to have their needs met but once they are healed and are

able to trust their family members then the conflict will truly be resolved.

Experiential Therapy

Experiential Therapy is very focused on the emotional reaction to the conflict at hand.

When the emotion is brought up in response to something destructive, the therapist then brings

focus to that reaction and uses it to help reflect the feelings of some of the clients in that

situation. Doing this will help the majority of their clients feel safer and make for an
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environment that makes for more vulnerability. Creating a safe environment for the clients to be

able to openly discuss what is bothering them is essential to a successful therapy session. When

that environment is established it helps clients openly speak with one another and help empathize

with what each other is feeling or going through. The therapist needs to make sure they use this

technique known as a frame of reference, which uses similar vocabulary to the clients in terms of

how they feel. An example used in our book is how if something feels like a burden, the therapist

uses that weight as a category and then reflects those words in that same category to better help

connect with that client.

The therapists approach to this session is different based on the context that the family

comes in with. They do their sessions with the entire family present, it was known as conjoint

family therapy. It is very important that the therapist sets the mood that the family use clear

communication. When that family is able to increase their levels of expressiveness with each

other it makes for an overall faster healing process.

In regards to specifically treating infidelity, the therapist should make sure to have each

partner verbally their commitment to their relationship. Establishing commitment for each

partner helps create that level of sensitivity that is needed for them to openly communicate with

each other. The therapist also needs to address that the affair must be over in order for true

commitment to be achieved and for there to be any chance of successful healing. Once the

couple has that conversation of the infidelity and what transpired, what would follow is getting

the couple to then relieve that stress in some facet, because just talking about the issue may not

be enough for the partners to get over the infidelity. A great way of going about this would be to
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use this technique known as sculpting. In this scenario we would pick someone that would set

the scene for the rest of the family and the family would then describe how they feel and try to

describe a way that the scene could improve overall. Sculpting is a very effective way to

illustrate how the one family member is feeling about the other people in their family. It also

provides a way to establish open communication that may not be immediately accessible by

communicating.
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Treating Infidelity 10

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