UnderstandingtheCommunicationGap

BetweenMenandWomen

AlyceKominetsky
BCSC400BC01(1)
MacEwanUniversity
Fall2016

Abstract

Based on the article Gender and Communication: Sex is more than a

threeletterword,byJudyC.Pearson,therelationshipsbetweenmen,
women and communication has been an area of interest since the
beginningofthecentury.Tofindanswerstomyresearchquestion:In
theUnitedStatesandCanada,whatdifferencesexistincommunication
styles between men and women, and how do these differences affect
heterosexual marriages? I conducted a small case study with three
couples in combination with a literature review. By conducting this
research,Iwasabletocometoseveralconclusions.Whiledifferences
exist,ifweareabletoacknowledgeandadapttothesedifferences,
we will be better able to communicate with one another. Gender does
effect why men and women engage in conversation and communication
stylesdo,infact,differ.However,despitethesedifferences,there
Communication Gap Between Men and Women 2

areoptionsthatcanbeusedtoimprovecommunicationbetweenmenand
womeninheterosexualmarriages.
Communication Gap Between Men and Women

Communication is always evolving. As language, technology, and stereotypes change, so

does the ways in which we communicate. There are several differences in which why men and

women communicate; specifically how men and women communicate in heterosexual

relationships. Many questions have been asked in relation to how and why these differences

exist. Pearson (1985) states that interest in sex and communication dates back to the beginning of

this century (p. 174). Since men and women have been marrying for centuries, and will continue

to do so, this topic is extremely important, insightful, and relates to a common problem many

married heterosexual couples have experienced. I would like to find answers to my research

question: In the United States and Canada, what differences exist in communication styles

between men and women, and how do these differences affect heterosexual marriages? I

conducted a small case study, where the following questions were asked:

o What is your biggest challenge (or challenges) when communicating with your spouse?

o Who tends to be the problem solver in your marriage?

o We accept that communication styles differ between genders, so what tools have you

learned in order to communicate with one another effectively?

By conducting a literature review along with the findings from my case study I was able

to come to a few conclusions. Gender does effect why men and women engage in conversation

and communication styles differ between genders (Pearson, 1985, p.176). However, despite these

differences, successful communication between men and women in heterosexual marriages is

possible.

The reason why men communicate is very different from women. Pearson (1985)

suggests that men and women create their own ways of talking because they are members of

different subcultures (p. 176). However, even though men and women are part of different
Communication Gap Between Men and Women

subcultures, they are still able to understand one another (Pearson, 1985, p. 176). Understanding

Human Interaction outlines that the main goal of conversation for women is a means to fulfill

social needs (Adler, Rodman & Svigny, 2015, p. 112). For men, the goal of communication is

more task orientated. Men tend to be more advice givers and problem solvers (Adler, Rodman, &

Svigny, 2015, p. 112). In regard to content, women tend to discuss personal or domestic

subjects, relationships, health, men, and other women. Men can sometimes appear more

superficial in topic choice, leaning to more neutral subjects like: music, current events, sports,

and business (Adler, Rodman, & Svigny, 2015, p. 111). These differences in goals and topic

choice can help explain why some women feel that males are more superficial and dont express

their feelings often enough. It can also show why men may think women spend too much time

talking about nothing and may feel overwhelmed by the amount of conversation women take

part in.

One of the main differences in communication style between genders is the purpose of

conversation. Men are more content driven and women are more relational driven. Of course,

every person is different, and not all men and women can be painted with the same brush.

However, research reflects this is one of the main causes of friction in marriages. One of the

main differences between men and women is that men often approach conversations as a way to

convey information (Ivy, 2012, p. 168). Women, on the other hand, tend to approach

communication as a means to build and strengthen relationships (Ivy, 2012, p. 169). Women tell

more stories than men. Data collected by Jennifer Coates (2003), found on average women

shared seventeen stories per hour; men shared eleven (p. 115). This can also be seen as an

example of how men tend to avoid talking about personal issues. Coates (2003) also found that,
Communication Gap Between Men and Women

womens conversational narratives focus on people and relationships; while mens focus on

action (p. 137).

In her book, You Just Dont Understand, sociolinguist Deborah Tannens research lends

support to this concept of content driven versus relational driven communication. Tannens work

has been used as a tool in finding alternative solutions to bridge the communication gap between

men and women. She describes a womans communication style as, rapport-talk (Tannen, 1990,

p. 77). Male conversational communication is described as, report-talk (Tannen, 1990, p. 77).

Many women use conversation as a way to strengthen and build relationships, whereas men see

conversations as a way to show knowledge and skill (Tannen, 1990, p. 77). Research conducted

by Rubin, Perse, and Barbato examined communication motives of over 500 people aged 12-91.

The results: women were more likely to talk to others for, pleasure, to express affection, to seek

inclusion, and to relax (Ivy, 2012, p. 169). Males reported using communication as a means to,

control situations and people rather than express affection or seek inclusion (Ivy, 2012, p. 169).

In order to develop healthy communication between men and women it is important for both to

exhibit relational and content aspects. Both aspects are important, especially in building and

maintaining successful relationships. It is important to address the situation at hand and assess

which approach will be more effective, regardless of gender.

Men and women also differ in listening and in nonverbal communication. Albert

Mehrabians 7-38-55 Rule states that fifty-five percent of communication is nonverbal. This is an

important aspect in communication, especially between men and women. When listening,

women tend to focus on meaning through nonverbal cues and generally use more eye contact

during conversations (Ivy, 2012, p. 203). Men, on the other hand, focus more on the words being

spoken and generally use less eye contact when listening (Ivy, 2012, p. 203). Miczo, Segrin, and
Communication Gap Between Men and Women

Allsack state, effective nonverbal encoding and decoding skills are directly linked to

relationship satisfaction (Ivy, 2012, p. 204). It is not surprising, based on previous points, that

women use nonverbal communication to strengthen relationships and to form bonds. Women use

more facial expressions, head nods, touch, and speak in closer proximity (Ivy, 2012, p. 204).

Men tend to talk at angles and look much less at one another (Ivy, 2012, p. 204). This does not

mean that all men and women exhibit these differences, but generally, women use nonverbal

communication more often than men.

When I reflect on my own marriage, I see the truth in many of these differences. When

my husband and I are discussing something, I always want to know every detail about the

situation. He always asks just enough questions to get a general grasp of the situation. When I go

to him for comfort, or a shoulder to cry on, usually his first reaction is to find a solution. In doing

this, I may become upset because I dont want advice or a solution. However, from his

standpoint, if he is able to fix the problem he will be able to make me feel better. Our biggest

challenge when communicating is recognizing what the other wants depending on the situation. I

often tell my husband if I want his advice, I will ask. This can be frustrating for him, because he

wants to remedy the situation with an immediate solution. His desire to find solutions is why we

both agreed he is the problem solver in our marriage. When my husband and I argue, he will let

go of the situation much quicker and much easier than me. I am guilty of wanting to discuss the

situation to death. Even if we have reconciled and solved the problem, sometimes I dont feel

like we have finished with an issue until well after the fact. He will often ask me, didnt we

already discuss this? It is these trivial and very slight differences in our communication that

often lead to frustration and further arguments. We still struggle with communicating at times.

However, we have found that the best way to communicate effectively is to acknowledge our
Communication Gap Between Men and Women

differences. I have learned that he cant read my mind, and expressing my feelings is more

constructive than using nonverbal communication. He has also become more aware of my

nonverbal cues and will try to encourage verbal communication instead. We have also learned to

not take certain differences in communication styles personally. Even if we dont always want to

address a situation, particularly a challenging one, we have learned from experience that it is

much better to confront the issue head on instead of sweeping it under the rug.

My sister, who is six years older than me, works in a female dominant environment.

Since women surround her for the most part, by the end of the day, she looks forward to

conversations with her husband (and her two sons). Since women can be emotionally charged in

communication, a household of boys is usually a welcome change. Both she and her husband

agreed that he is the problem solver for the most part in their relationship. The biggest challenge

for my brother-in-law was similar to what my husband expressed. He often feels discouraged

when she comes to him with a problem, but doesnt listen to the solution he offers. He also gets

frustrated when my sister wont choose a side. She tends to be more of a fence-sitter. Since he

sees things more black and white, her needing to see an issue from all sides can be discouraging.

Translating her nonverbal communication too challenges him. For my sister, she often feels like

her husband isnt listening to her. She is continually repeating herself in order to feel understood.

She notices that men seem better able to distance themselves emotionally from a situation, which

she finds extremely helpful in their relationship. As their marriage has changed and evolved, they

both agree that it is important to recognize the differences between one another and be sensitive

to the differences, which do exist. She has learned to let issues go more easily while her husband

has learned to better interpret her nonverbal communication. They also emphasized the
Communication Gap Between Men and Women

importance in talking to one another despite frustration and differences. Ignoring these

challenges can often make a situation or relationship worse.

My parents have been married for forty-three years. They have always expressed that

relationships are hard work and they never seem to take one another for granted. However,

despite their successful marriage, they still face communication challenges. My dad commented

that sometimes he feels like my mom is interrogating him. This example helps illustrate the fact

that many women want and need to know specific details about a situation. My mom reflected on

my dads skills of listening, and his ability to help solve problems and give advice. Both agreed

he is the primary problem solver in their marriage. My parents also remember a time when they

attended a couples retreat, and my dad was encouraged to talk more openly about his feelings.

This was a challenge for both of them at the beginning of their marriage. My mom learned to be

more patient, allowing my dad to open up to her at his own pace. Both my parents agree he is

better about expressing himself now, but at times can still hold back his feelings. As a couple,

they recognize the differences between the ways in which they communicate; and they have

created a communication style, which works best for them. For my dad, it was important to learn

tools such as empathic listening, striving to understand the feelings of the other person without

judgment. He also learned to not offer solutions unless he is asked for one or, to suggest

solutions that offer choices or considerations. Understanding nonverbal communication is also

necessary. For my mom, learning to be less eager to fill silent spaces with words was important.

She also learned how to focus on what my dad is saying without interrupting or waiting to speak.

My mom also finds for her, journaling helps give perspective to situations before communicating

verbally. The important lessons I have learned from my parents is to always be open and honest,

to listen to one another, and to always communicate about communicating.

Communication Gap Between Men and Women

I noticed that many of the trends discussed throughout my research are recognized by the

responses in the case study. The husbands often feel frustrated when they are expected to

translate their wives nonverbal cues. For the women, they are equally frustrated when their

husbands ignore or dont effectively translate what is being said through their body language or

facial expressions. Many would agree that women tend to be more expressive in face and hand

gestures, and that women use touch more often than men. This is a reflection of our culture and

gender expectations as well. Women are often expected to be more affectionate whereas men are

expected to restrict their emotions and be less emotionally expressive. Recognizing and being

sensitive to these differences can help improve communication skills and, in turn, build a

stronger foundation between couples.

Effective gender communication is crucial for building and maintaining successful

relationships. While some argue that men and women are planets apart when it comes to

communication, others see the differences on a smaller scale. While differences exist, if we are

able to acknowledge and adapt to these differences, we will be better able to communicate with

one another. Gender, of course, is not the only factor to consider when it comes to

communication. Communication is a complex web. Personal experience, culture, beliefs, and

individuality all contribute to the people we become. These factors play a large role in our

communication skills as well. Differences will likely always exist between men and women.

However, it seems that these differences dont separate us as much as we may have originally

thought, and there are effective ways to successfully communicate with each other.
Communication Gap Between Men and Women

References

Adler, R., Rodman, G. and Svigny, A. (2015). Understanding Human Communication (3rd
Canadian Ed.). Don Mills: Oxford University Press.

Coates, J. (2003). Men Talk. Malden: Blackwell Publishing.

Ivy, D.K. (2012). GenderSpeak: Personal Effectiveness in Gender Communication. Saddle
River: Pearson Education, Inc.

Pearson, J.C. (1985). Gender and Communication. Dubuque: William C. Brown Company.

Tannen, D. (1990). You Just Dont Understand. New York: William Morrow and Company Inc.