Proposal a la Mode

Betwixt campus and countryside humdrum hordes of Humvees and hatchbacks helmed
by local university students lay transit by the heels. Rather than try its hand at trades which
sustain society, this overpopulation of undereducated, unfortunate youth only contributes to
ozone openings and traffic jams. Infallible research (academic) proves 2/3 of undergraduates
between 18-26 fail to acquire a four-year degree. In addition, scholarly websites show 70% of the
prison population lack a degree, with 60% below the 20% income bracket. Obviously, the
ineptitude of youth is a driving force behind global warming, poverty, crime, and overpopulation.
Harvesting these mendicants for energy usable by adequately aged university researchers
successfully transmutes inevitable losses into astronomical gains.
It is understood that undergraduate students are entirely to blame for their financial
circumstances, despite hollow expertise requirements ensuring employment is exceedingly
difficult. Some less informed individuals may argue that, though inept and uneducated, the
deficiently aged are not entirely culpable for contaminating the academic community. Parents,
perfidiously persuaded by the surrounding knowledge economy, push these poor green bellies to
pursue degrees beyond their chronological pedigree. However, as God does not visit the sins of
the father on his children, we must conclude it is entirely the childs fault. It is only fitting the
institution which perfidiously defrauds parents out of thousands of dollars robs them of their
children as well.
Established intellectuals agree the youth are incapable of acquiring the innate expertise
age provides. Skeptics may argue Mozart, Marlowe, and Ramanujan, among others,
revolutionized music, theatre, and mathematics respectively before the age of 30. Regardless of
their supposed accomplishments, none of these individuals received a PhD, nor surpassed the age
of 40. A highly-respected university professor, aged like a fine wine, and holding several degrees
(including a PhD.) argues heavily against all forms of prejudice, with age being the sole
exception. It is clear from this account that time on this earth, no matter what is done with it, far
supersedes individual knowledge, ability, and all research on neuro-plasticity. Pre-judging
individuals capabilities based on age is not prejudice. Indeed, despite massive amounts of
evidence suggesting otherwise, undergraduates are incapable of creativity, and can only offer up
their bodies as renewable energy for the old.
That the youths university troubles are a result of incompetent, affluent, selfish, older
researchers, businessmen, and administrators is irrelevant. The human body contains energy
levels on par with a one-ton battery, with fat cells providing the greatest amount. Beyond basic
physical properties, human beings are collectively capable of generating massive amounts of
energy through physical activity. The fattest youths should be immediately converted into a high-
energy slurry, the fittest fed high-processed goods while exercising intensely. Immediately
following death, the latter will go the path of the former. Abortions need no longer be cause for
moral debate, as all babies will be welcome energy contributions. With this efficient conversion
method, issues of climate change, crime, overpopulation, and poverty will become a thing of the
past. While youth farming will inevitably lead to the extermination of humanity surely, if we
ignore it long enough and harvest more youth faster, the problem will solve itself.