[Roar]

{Julia}

Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite being

outside, its the most barricaded band in the world, the Columbia University

Marching Commencement Ceremony!

[Fanfare]

{Liz}

Featuring:

J. 13 Reasons Why: Welcome to Your Tape

J. 4/20: Welcome to Your Vape

J. Title IX: Welcome to Your investigation, we support you and we really

hope it goes well

[Fanfare]

{Julia}
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous,

sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semicentennial, solipsistic,

recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College Library, where

the shelves are long lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are

checked out but long overdue. As well as Fyre Festival tents going up, Fyre

Festival food supplies going down, and Fyre Festival attendees at an all

time I want my daddy!! the Band now presents its 65th consecutive, 69th

semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while

consummating the worlds largest simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the

interest of everyones enjoyment:

{Liz}

SEAS students, please turn off your Android devices.

{Julia}

GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.

{Liz}

CC students, please set your cell phones to vibrate.

{Julia}
Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Lets start the show!

[Who Owns]

[Joke 1 - JJs]

{Liz}

Eating at JJs is Columbias favorite pastime. Theres nothing we love more

than clogging up our arteries with latke sliders and fried mac n cheese

triangles. And being inevitably doubled over our toilets, and crapping til our

eyes bleed, is just part of the experience! But those rock hard turds finally

came back to bite us, when a burst pipe let our beloved JJs kitchen beat

out even Roti Roll in terms of shear Shits Per Square Foot. Since JJs

Place was decimated with fecal bombs, we were forced to flee to John JJs

and become late-night snacking refugees.

At first, we treated John JJs with the same suspicion as a new stepfather,

thinking you're not my real dad! or No I dont want to play catch with you,

John. But Step JJs revealed Real JJs for the deadbeat dad that it was,

and it turned out we actually liked Step JJs better. Sure there was no

Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives on repeat, or frat bros taking body shots of

frostline off each other. But Step JJs had actual seating and enough room

to walk around without having to go to 2nd base with everyone in the

pancake line. JJs tried to be a fun dad by giving us fried food, but you

know whats better than small paper baskets of chicken fingers? A whole

god damn bucket. It turned out, our Step Dad John JJ was actually a

pretty cool guy, even if we never really figured out what to call him.

But just as we were ready to let John JJs become our regular late-night

snack, our boring, plain JJs dad finally got his shit together and tried to win

us back with his JJs Cool Zone Unbranded Fruit Beverage Dispenser.

Our experience with Step JJs made us wonder: What else would be better

if they accidentally broke? What if Shapiro burned down and got replaced

with a bouncy castle? What if the whole Columbia administration slipped on

a banana peel and were replaced with automated template emails? Or

what if the football team drowned in a pile of shit and were temporarily

replaced with literally anything else?

In honor of John JJs, the band now forms chicken fingers and plays Come

meet me at JJs, Eileen.

[Joke 2 - AXO & Physics TA]

{Julia}

This semester, the national chapter of AXO started accepting trans women,

just in time for the Columbia chapters annual drive to make fun of them!

AXOs stab at philanthropy, Walk a Mile, equated the pain of domestic

violence to the pain of platform heels, which is like supporting food

insecurity by skipping your afternoon snack. No Red Tape attacked them

for laughing at male bodies in heels, and for having the gall to raise money

instead of just triggering bright-eyed prospies. Congratulations, NRT, you

saved trans women on campus by getting AXO to cancel a fundraiser for

victims of domestic violence. But, we have to ask: how was this ever a

feasible fundraiser in the first place? Paying money to walk in shitty high

heels is just as stupid as paying $1000 a year to get 15 more likes on your

profile picture. We in the band have no sympathy for AXO and their feeble

attempt to make one good thing happen on this godforsaken campus.

Speaking of being forsaken by God: Imagine youre a physics student.

Youre checking your email, eagerly awaiting your Piazza activity digest,

and instead you get an email from your TA saying he was surprised to have

been banned from Pupin for committing a hate crime. Thats right, a

physics TA actually tore down pro-LGBT stickers and replaced them with
signs saying Remember Sodom and Gomorrah. In a science building, this

is a hate crime, whereas in Hamilton this could have just been a helpful

study tip for a Lit Hum final.

What if the posters were actually just some life hacks from our good buddy

Jesus? We need all the help we can get because the only thing we

remember about Sodom and Gomorrah is a whole ton of hot twink action.

Following the TAs advice, we decided to dig through our Bibles for more

nuggets of wisdom.

Deuteronomy teaches, He that is crushed or maimed in his private parts

shall not enter into the assembly of the Lord. Which is just God telling us to

avoid the football team at all costs.

Proverbs teaches us to "Give strong drink to him who is perishing, and wine

to those in bitter distress; which is great, because it was already our plan

to blackout for all of finals week.

And finally, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own

understanding. To get As, you dont need understanding. All you need to

do is go to office hours, get on your knees and pray.

But the real lesson to learn from this physics TA isnt that bad things

happen to gay people, but that if Jesus can turn water into wine, you can

turn your C- into an A+.

In honor of misread Bible verses, the band now forms the city of Sodom

and plays, Gay Ya

[Joke 3 - Title IX]

{Liz}

Columbias been taking Ls left and right, much like a student who cant stop

looking at memes long enough to write their essay. First, the University left

their middle eastern studies homework till the last minute and a full out war

erupted on college walk. Then it slept through their urban studies class and

ended up accidentally gentrifying Harlem. And then it rushed through the

sexual respect requirement, and botched a rape investigation.

This semester, even though the administration gave sexual assault less lip

service than a trustees syphilitic dick, dont be fooled- sexual assault is still

happening. A student is suing Columbia after her two sexual assault cases

from 2015 got even less attention than minorities in the core. Suzanne
Goldberg responded to the student with her trademark sensitivity and

classic catch phrase: Get raped once shame on you, get raped twice,

lalalalalala I cant hear you. But are we really surprised? The last time

Suzanne Goldberg did anything good for this campus was when she left to

get her little boy haircut.

That student also called the sexual violence response hotline, but was put

on hold for an hour, which can only mean one of two things; either

Columbia outsourced their customer service to United Airlines, or their

sexual violence resources are about as genuine as a sororitys commitment

to philanthropy.

A full fucking year later, the administration finally decided to take action -

like a senior heading to their swim test the day before graduation - but they

didnt even conduct interviews and, like you seniors, quickly found

themselves drowning in the deep end.

Luckily, when the administration fails you, the student body is always

there... to also fail you.

First, SVR suggested birth control as a solution to sexual assault, which is

as stupid as installing a bear trap in your vagine. And of course, who could

forget the demonic garbage bags that are Bwog commenters, who carried

bored@butlers torch by flaming the student, writing comments like Fake

news and the truly insightful, I have never met a girl with a hyphenated

last name who wasnt a total bitch.

Frankly, we in the band are surprised at how little support this student

received. Not just because it perpetuates our image as a school that would

rather punish people for sitting on a red-flagged lawn than for sexually

assaulting their peers - but also because if the administration cant get its

shit together soon, there wont be enough room at graduation for all the

mattresses.

In honor of what Columbia thinks is a cure for rape, the band now forms a

birth control pill and plays I Heard You Knockin, and I Didnt Let You In,

but Then You Came In Anyway and That Was Fucked Up.

[Joke 4 - Columbia Stress]

{Julia}
Columbia has been our nations Most Stressful School for 250 years

straight, except for that two-hour window when Columbine took that title.

But at Columbia, we hold our title proudly. We love stress like Donald loves

Ivanka. When stress sits in our lap, our naughty little chode rises to half-

mast.

Luckily, our administration gives us plenty of outlets to remain stressed.

They deprive us of meat on Mondays. They schedule Friday morning

classes. They make us all stand out here instead of in there for no fucking

reason. And in the unlikely event that you want to de-stress, theyve got you

covered with Zumba classes that youll never take and free condoms that

youll never use. Fun, trivial perks that let our bureaucracy think, as the

suicides pile up, We gave them all free back rubs and this is how they

repay us?

Yes, Columbias stress prevention programs are exactly as effective as its

window guards. Guess what: theyre not going to keep an engineer from

opening a window and plunging onto the homeless people sleeping on the

John Jay air vents. But even if we dont take that leap, we still find the most

creative methods in the whole Ivy League to vent our stress.

Take the innovative GS student who broke onto a roof and climbed down a

vent in EC like a grimy, wasted Santa Claus. The Milvet got stuck in the EC

wall for 11 hours, which is pretty lucky considering most seniors get stuck in

EC for a full year. But we in the band cant help but wonder: How shitty

must it feel to have survived a war only to lose a fight with a wall? To save

Pipe Boy, Columbia did what it does best, displacing EC residents like a

Harlem family of four.

But while some EC students got a room movement, Metta House residents

came home to a bowel movement. After 40s on 40, one senior decided to

show Metta House what they really thought of them by loading their

dishwasher with a runny, green, clumpy dump. The residents of Metta

House were outraged! Not because their vegan utensils had to touch an

animal product, but because they realized the poop residue actually made

their locally harvested, yoga infused, hemp nuggets taste better.

We in the band can only see one cause for these catastrophes: this is what

happens when you mess with Orgo Night! But at the very least, stress on

campus brings us together, which provides way more community than

Columbia could ever hope to half-ass with boat cruises and Bacchanal.
In honor of our source of stress, the band now forms a final paper and

plays A Cruel Teachers Thesis.

[Joke 5 - Barnard]

{Liz}

Since the dawn of time, the Varshitty Show has been producing hard hitting

original content about the Ivy League experience. And this year they proved

to us that the people creating that content have all graduated.

VShow 123 told the story of DSpar selling Barnard to Columbia, the worst

trade deal in the history of trade deals. By the end of the show, they

decided that they loved Columbia because its shittiness drew them

together, which is at least a pretty accurate depiction of Columbia

Stockholm Syndrome. Unfortunately, their hardest dig at DSpar was

pretending that she wanted to be an opera singer- which is rich

commentary coming from musical theater geeks.

But we in the band dont have to make up some opera story to shit on the

real DSpar. Earlier this semester, Student Worker Solidarity released a

secret recording where DSpar said contingent faculty dont really need

benefits because they all have husbands on Wall Street. Turns out, she
secretly thinks of adjuncts what Republicans openly think of the working

class - they should have thought about healthcare before they decided to

be poor. She also said that paying adjuncts more would raise tuition,

changing the complexion of the school. Ah yes, Dr. Deborah Luther Spar

Jr., queen of inclusion, had a dream: that one day this school would rise up

and refuse to give adjunct faculty healthcare while simultaneously

fundraising $400 million so that students of all colors can study in a library

that no one asked for in the first place . We get it DSpar, youre hip with the

kids. You hid your money-making endeavors behind caring about people of

color before Pepsi made it cool.

But what was really strange was that Student Worker Solidarity sat on this

tape for a whole year. What did they hope to do by posting it in April, when

even activists are too busy jerking off their TAs for last minute extra credit?

Its not like Lincoln Center will do anything about this - they are probably

just going to take DSpars advice and call up those Wall Street daddies for

donations.

This semester, DSpars replacement, Rob Goldberg, had the honor of

letting Barnard students know that they would once again have to pay more

for all the same luxuries theyre always afforded: access attendants who
slut shame, construction noises interrupting their French exam, and a

constant barrage of CC boys in Barnard sweaters. But now, they get the

added benefit of guest swipes into the most athlete-infested dining hall on

campus: Hewitt!

Honestly, we couldve gotten a cardboard cutout of DSpar as our interim

president and it wouldve had the same effect. Because the most notable

thing about Rob Goldbergs time here are his poorly worded emails where

he cant stop talking about his steel erection phase.

In honor of construction, the band now forms the crane penetrating

Barnards campus and plays jerk it out.

[Joke 6 - CCSC]

{Julia}

Much like a Cornell student during finals week, CCSC cracked under

pressure this semester. We in the band find a lot of issues with CCSCs

contentious decision and would like to express our deep frustration with

the removal of the sandwich ambassador. With the demise of the beloved

walking coupon book came the rise of a new position: financial security and

first generation representative. But we have to ask, why cant we have

both? We should be able to care about poor people and our 10% off

chipotle burrito. Intersectionality, am I right?

In the wake of CCSC realizing what nonentities they are, they decided to

take a note from the band and vy for attention through controversy. We at

Barnumbia University of Orthodox Judaism know the only thing that can

really get students riled up is Israel. Even the most disengaged students

had to stop fingering each other in the stacks long enough to show up to

CCSCs event. The council discussed the question: Can we ask people

what they think of CUAD? But Columbia students, in their typical nuanced

fashion, perverted the question into Are CCSC Islamophobes or Anti-

semites?

The votes original intent was to find out if they should ask us what our

opinions are. But then it turned into a vote on whether they had to tell us

what their opinions are. Which then turned into a kind of convoluted voting

inception that was so confusing that by the end all we were sure of was that

we shouldnt have left the stacks for this.

But by the time midnight rolled around, Aryeh didnt want there to be a vote,

CUAD didnt want there to be a fair vote, and CCSC didnt even want to
vote. Lets be frank - CCSC is too scared to take a stance on the Israel-

Palestine conflict because they just care about getting re-elected. We in the

band are sick and tired of people half-assing their way out of this debate

and have decided to set the record straight on the entire Israel Palestine

conflict. Our stance is as follows:

One side of this conflict is clearly in the right. Theyre so clearly in the right

that theyre the obvious choice. Its the side that has never done anything

wrong. If you disagree with the side that were about to reveal, youre

automatically stupid and a bad person no matter what. That side is well,

we know it, but we just want to make sure that, like, you know it. Here, lets

all say it at the same time, okay? 3...2...1 *points at audience* Yeah,

exactly, thats the one!

In honor of a two stat solution the band now forms an biased survey and

plays Can you call me Al?

{Julia}

Well, thats all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, wed like to leave you

with a few study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:
{Liz}

A Lewis structure contains molecules with their first, second, and third

bonds. A Lewisohn Structure contains old men on their first, second, and

third wives.

{Julia}

A radical is a species with one or more unpaired electrons. A "Ridiculed"

is an event with one or more groups of protestors.

{Liz}

Unhealthy exposure to strychnine could mean you're going to die.

Unhealthy exposure to stress could mean you're a Columbia student.

{Julia}

And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part

of the precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the

solution are part of the Band!

{Liz}
Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way

out!

[Raw]