CENTERING

AND
THE ART OF INTIMACY

BOOK AND HANDBOOK

GAY HENDRICKS. PH.D.

AND

KATHLYN HENDRICKS. PH.D.

Gay Hendricks holds a Ph.D. in counseling psychology from Stanford University

and is a professor at the University of Colorado in Colorado Springs. He gives
workshops and lectures to thousands of educators and mental-health
professionals annually, and he is the author of ten other centering books. These
include The Family Centering Book, How to Love Every Minute of Your Life, and
The Moving Center, the last written with Kathlyn T. Hendricks. Ph.D., California
Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. Kathlyn is a consultant in movement
education, a teacher, and a psychotherapist whose special interest is the
psychology of the body.

For my parents, Priscilla and Robert Swift.

KATHLYN HENDRICKS

For Katie

GAY HENDRICKS

Contents

Prologue / 5

one / The Secret, 7

two / How to Get Close, 14

three/ On Getting Separate, 22

four / The Differences Between a Relationship and an Entanglement, 26

five/ How to Create Enlightening Relationships, 33

six/ The Intentions and Agreements Essential to an Enlightening Relationship, 38

seven/ Look and Feel Like in the Body, 45

eight / Projection: A Major Barrier to Enlightening Relationships, 53

nine / Solving the Upper-Limits Problem: Learning to Handle More Positive

Energy, 59

ten / Specific Problem-Solving Strategies, 72

eleven / Sex and Money in Enlightening Relationships, 80

twelve / Experiments in Enlightening Relationships, 87

Epilogue / 105

Centering and the Art of Intimacy Handbook , 107

Workbook: Your Manual for Transforming You Close Relationship, 156

 5

Prologue

Love is the best thing human beings do. Love is our glory, and it is also a
power. Love is so powerful that even a little of it can heal and transform our lives
permanently. We may go to the ends of the earth to find love or to escape it.

What human beings most deeply want is a total, permanent experience of

love. Beneath all the strivings for recognition, power, money, and things, what
we really want is love.

But what keeps us from feeling it? Why is it that what we most deeply want
is also so hard to get and keep? The reason is this: The power of love clears out
anything in its path, and we deal with what comes up either in a way that lets
more love in or in a way that shuts it out. For example, a man has been rejected in
a past relationship. Along comes a new love. Part of him rejoices (love is what he
most deeply wants), and part of him fears (because love is associated in his mind
and emotions with rejection). Because there is part of him that seeks permanent,
total love, his old harbored feelings of hurt and rejection must be cleared up. The
experience of being loved by the new woman will bring these feelings to the
surface. But how will he deal with them? Will he project them onto the new
woman, expecting her to reject him? Will he set it up so she actually does reject
him? Or will he see his old feelings for what they are- a flurry of old pains that are
being cleansed and released by the power of his new lover's positive energy?
 6

Above all, will he handle the situation in ways that move him to a higher level of
giving and receiving love, or will he perpetuate the old pattern?

There are myriad ways of shutting out love. There are only a few secrets of
letting more love in. However, these few secrets are so powerful that we really do
not need more. All we need to do is learn what they are and how to use them
properly. That is what this book is about.

We have explored the problems in relationships in several ways. First, our

own personal experiences in love and relationships have been the major proving
grounds for the ideas and techniques in the book. We have come to a loving and
creative relationship with each other through the ideas we discuss in the
following chapters. In addition, we have a combined total of more than twenty-
five years' experience in working with people in psychotherapy; our clients and
workshop participants have been a broader proving ground on which to test and
refine these techniques. Too, we are familiar with the research literature in both
psychotherapy and relationship therapy because both of us have been working as
teachers of therapists for the past decade.

Our own relationship is the most important element of growth and

learning in both our lives. Although we may refer to the research literature and to
our clients' experiences from time to time, we can guarantee you that as a couple
we have personally experienced and found successful all the ideas and techniques
in the book.

Our goal in the book is to study the process of developing and keeping a
close relationship in highly personal detail. We want to listen to the heartbeat of
intimacy, to explore what it actually feels like to overcome the barriers to having
ecstatic, creative relationships with other people. We know it can be done, and
we want to see more of it in the world.

In our view, the opportunities in relationships for psychological and

spiritual growth are infinite and the rewards boundless. What could be better
than the clear experience of love and having persons with whom to celebrate it?
Let us open the book of secrets together and discover the surprises that await us.

one
The Secret

We come into relationships with high hopes and a history. The history
consists of personality problems stemming from past experiences. The love and
positive energy that are generated between two people bring the problems up to
the surface.

Here are some examples of personality problems:

I feel unlovable deep inside.

I can't stand being criticized.

I get moody and depressed for unexplainable reasons.

I feel explosive rage.

I want people to take care of me.

An odd paradox emerges. Problems like these are often thought to occur
because of a lack of love. Perhaps this is true back in childhood when the
problems are first set in place. But in our present lives it is the experience of being
loved that brings the problems to the surface. Love heals, and the healing
process first has to bring the problems up into the light. When problems emerge,
we often do not know how to deal with them, so we retreat from the other
person and blame the problems on a lack of love in the relationship.

If you do not think you are worthy of positive attention and love, you will
likely feel uncomfortable when you get some. Try an experiment some time that
we have done with hundreds of people in our relationship workshops. It is
designed to help you explore any barriers you have to receiving positive energy
fully.
 8

Get a friend or mate to stand facing you. Have that person look you
squarely in the eye and say sincerely to you every ten seconds or so, "You are
magnificent" We are all magnificent, though we might not believe it, so the
statement is strictly true. Have the person continue doing this for two or three
minutes. During each pause, notice what happens in your mind and body. Some
typical mind responses are:

The thought "No, I'm not"

The mind wanders.

Racing thoughts.

Blanking out

Some typical body responses are:

Losing eye contact.

Feeling tension in the body.

Feeling the urge to turn away.

Emotions welling up, such as fear and sadness.

The point of this experiment is that nearly all of us have resistance to

receiving positive energy. Every one of us can benefit from learning the ways we
block it. If you find, for example, that you deflect positive energy by changing the
subject or making a joke, you can keep an eye on this pattern in future situations.
We will have more to say about this subject in a future chapter devoted to the
various ways humans deflect positive energy.

A close relationship is like a cosmic searchlight that seeks out the absolute
best and the absolute worst in us. When one person connects closely with
another, the energies of the two people are combined and enhanced, creating
the potential for the relationship to climb to new heights or to fly apart. The
reason for this paradox is that a close relationship challenges two major fears
 9

that human beings carry with them: the fear of getting close and the fear of
being alone.

Ideally, we would have the capacity for comfortably being very close to
other people and comfortably being independent. In fact, few of us are
completely at home with ourselves and others without some significant work on
ourselves.

The problem in getting close is that in the past we have experienced

shocks, hurts, and irritations in close relationships. These problems often go back
to childhood. Take, for example, the situation of a young girl who likes to hug
and be close to her father, who happens to smoke cigars that irritate her sensitive
breathing apparatus. She reacts by sneezing, a perfectly normal response. Her
mind gets three things tied together: closeness, cigar smoke, sneezing. Later In
life she snuggles up to her husband, who doesn't even smoke, and she sneezes.

The mind works this way for good reason. It has to take snapshots of
things that hurt you. You put your hand on a stove and get a bum. The mind has
to come up with a way of keeping that event from happening again. So it shoots
a picture of the whole scene. If at the time you burned your hand you also
happened to be chewing your first mouthful of licorice, you might find that later
in life you don't care much for licorice.

Unfortunately for us, the mind often over generalizes. Ideally, if we get
close to Dad and he sexually molests us, we will simply stop getting close to Dad.
But the young and impressionable mind goes one or two steps further and thinks:

"Don't get close to men."

"Beware of sexual feelings."

"Tense up around men-you're likely to be violated."

So, we have the following problem to contend with: We have gotten close,
we have had an unpleasant experience of some sort, and the mind has taken a
snapshot of the general situation. What happens next is truly extraordinary.
 10

Part of us wants to avoid further situations that are anything like the
original one in which we were hurt. Another part of us must seek out similar
situations, though, in a drive to clear up the painful feelings and be free of them.
In addition, we seek out similar situations because there may be something we
are looking for that we got only in the original situation. For example, we may
have gotten approval and positive energy from Dad at the same time he was
molesting us.

Part of us is wary of getting close, and part of us will never be satisfied until
we experience total closeness. We will not rest until we are free of the burden of
the past and in a relationship where the present is vibrant and loving. That is why
we return time and again to the arena of close relationships.

Earlier we mentioned the fear of being separate. Ideally, we would feel

self-sufficient and totally at home with ourselves as separate beings. We would at
the same time be able to experience total closeness with others. The two urges,
one toward union and the other toward independence, would both be fulfilled
and would not be in conflict.

In fact, we often fear true independence as much as we fear closeness.

Imagine the predicament the infant is in. The child gets close to its mother for
survival. In the process of feeding and being held, the child becomes one with the
mother, naturally letting go into the fullness and warmth. But as the child grows,
it also must establish a firm sense of its own identity. The child must learn to
explore the world, to make decisions, eventually to be fully independent In both
the getting-close phase of infancy and the later phase of becoming independent,
there are many things that can interrupt and prevent the successful
establishment of closeness and independence. For example, a man in his early
fifties sought counseling because he had never been able to establish a close
relationship with a woman. A pleasant, attractive professional, he had no
apparent defects that would prevent him from attaining this goal. Upon
exploring his early childhood, though, it turned out that his mother had been
stricken with tuberculosis when he was born, and he had been prevented from
being with her throughout his first year of life. He was mothered by an aunt,
during this time. Then his mother decided to leave the area to find a new life. She
left him with the aunt, who later adopted him. This is one example, perhaps an
extreme one, of the type of event that can interrupt the getting-close phase of
childhood.
 11

In the becoming-independent stage, any number of troublesome events

can happen that keep us from being at home with ourselves in the world. For
example, a boy developed rheumatic fever just as his stage of independence was
beginning. He spent nearly his entire third year of life in bed. Later, in adult life,
he seldom liked to go outdoors, and he had never developed close relationships
with men or women, fearing that they might limit his freedom.

We can really never know if early events like these are the sole cause of
subsequent life problems, nor can we prevent the odd

happen stances of life from occurring. What we can always do, though, is
notice our areas of limitation and move to understand and correct them.

The path for us as successful humans lies in learning how to become close
to others so we are completely at home with union, and in becoming fully
independent so we are at home with ourselves. The limitations caused by
patterns from the past often prevent us from doing either. When we have the
opportunity to get close, we may start an argument or find some ways of making
the other person wrong. When we have the opportunity to establish greater
independence, we may have an accident or get sick, forcing us back into a
dependency relationship with someone.

Some examples from the authors' personal acquaintance are:

The night before starting her first real job, a woman accuses her husband
of having an affair (nonexistent, it later turns out). He storms out, thinking she's
lost her mind. She doesn't show up for the job because of the domestic turmoil.
For economic reasons they are forced back into a wary partnership rather soon,
but It takes a year of wrangling before it becomes clear that she manufactured
the whole event out of fear of independence.

Another couple has a pattern of having major fights at the beginning of

extended times together, such as long weekends and vacations. Although they
eventually recognize that the fights come out of their fears of getting close, it
takes a great deal of work to break the pattern..

A man about to leave on a trial separation strains his back and has to
spend a week in bed tended by his furious wife.

 12

Most of our problems in relationship can be viewed as resistances to

getting closer or getting more independent. We want these things so much, and
yet we have so many blocks to experiencing them fully. What can we do?

First, let's accept that it is our personal resistance to love and positive
attention that is at the heart of the problem. This notion is a tough one to accept,
particularly if you have had a great many painful experiences in life. But this
awareness keeps us from the deadly trap of thinking that it is the world or other
people that are to blame for our relationship problems. Second, we need to
develop some techniques for spotting and dealing with the old patterns when
they arise. Subsequent chapters will elaborate on various ways of doing this.

Third, we must build new channels in ourselves for experiencing and

accepting positive energy. We must learn how to let love in, feel it, let it polish
our inner bodies, and appreciate people for giving it to us. We must become
adept at giving positive energy to others. At first it can be awkward, like speaking
a new language. Simply to say, "I like you" with no strings attached can be a real
challenge if we are not used to speaking the language of positive energy.

Fourth, we must learn to let it be all right for ourselves and our partners to
go through cycles of getting close and getting more independent. This is a tough
one, because our initial tendency is often to experience fear when we get either
closer or more separate. A relationship has to be large enough to hold both
persons' fluctuations of getting closer and getting more independent.

With courage, kindness, and practice, all these things and many more can
be accomplished. It does take practice, though, because knowing all these things
in the mind does not convince the heart and the belly that they are so. Listen to
an experience of the authors', recollected by Gay:

We were taking a walk around the neighborhood one summer night. The
air was especially sweet and clear. Kathlyn looked over at me and said, "You are
really gorgeous." I felt my head go light; my whole body felt polished inside. It
was such a strong "hit" of positive energy that I could barely stay in my body. I
had the urge to change the subject, but instead I stayed with the feelings. In a
moment I thanked her, and we continued walking. I noticed that the front of my
body felt cleansed, light, and open. My back felt a lot of energy in it, as if it could
become tense very quickly if I did not do something with the energy. So I put my
hands on Kathlyn's shoulders and directed to her all the energy I felt in my back.
 13

"That feels great," she said. Then, I asked Kathlyn to tell my back that it was
gorgeous, too. She put her back up against mine, breathed deeply, and
communicated the message to my back. Then I felt balanced, both front and
back feeling light and free. Along the rest of the walk we thought of several ideas
we wanted to include In this book and some of the other projects we were
working on.

This incident illustrates several important notions about relationships.

First, even though you know all the Ideas in the book, it still takes practice to let
yourself experience positive energy completely. Second, a clear, direct hit of
positive energy has a powerful effect on the body.

It cleanses and purifies, and also stirs up any resistance that the recipient
harbors. Third, the recipient feels energized, and the energy must be passed
along to stay in balance. Fourth, the giving and receiving of positive energy is an
enhancer of creativity. It is one of the nutrients that nurtures a creative
relationship.

With an understanding now of the basic Issues, let's study the process of
getting close in greater detail.

 14

two
How to Get Close
 15

Human beings have a deep urge to get close to one another. Yet problems
come up when we do get close that often make us regret we ever had the urge.
Let's see if we can find our way through this puzzling maze so we can have the
closeness without the problems.

We like getting close for several reasons. For one, it feels very good to get
into union with another person so deeply that we lose our sense of self. There is a
part of us, some call it the ego, that has carefully established a sense of I-ness.
We very much need the security of having a sense of who "I" am. Yet we also
thrive on letting go of that I-ness now and then to become fully unified with
another person or the universe itself. When you are making ecstatic, passionate
love with another person, you probably do not want anything, not even a sense
of I-ness, to keep you from full abandonment to the sensations. So the ego
comes with a paradox attached: You've got to have it, and you've got to get
beyond it.

We feel very good when we mix and mingle our molecules with another
person's. For millions of years of evolution one organism has been mingling with
another organism to make something new. So deep in each one of us is an urge
to cast our dancing atoms into a tango with someone else's. We love to play, and
the more interesting games require a partner.

Because of several quirky aspects, these games can sometimes sting. One
thing that can happen is that we open up, lose our sense of self, mingle our
molecules, then get badly hurt. Another thing that can happen is that we can
open up, then pull back in alarm when we see what is coming up from within us or
the other person. Perhaps you have seen those little metal animals that have
magnets in their bottoms. If you set them on a table back to back, they will spin
each other around so they are facing each other. In human relationships a similar
process takes place. We back into a new relationship with our minds still on past
 16

events. Then the magnetic attraction begins to spin us around so we (;an deal
with the present face-to-face. At this point we often engage in massive
resistance. The force of the other person's positive attention is pulling us in one
direction; the force of our past conditioning is pulling us in the other.

The stress of these conflicting forces causes us to contract and, in effect, to

go unconscious. Going unconscious does not mean simply blanking out, though
that may occur. It means that we abandon our conscious intentions and begin to
run on automatic. Up come our conditioned patterns from the past. If you have
been criticized a lot in past close relationships, for example, you may get close to
someone in the present only to find yourself pulling back out of fear of closeness.

COMMON WAYS OF PULLING BACK FROM CLOSENESS

Here is our situation. We have begun to feel close to another person. The
increased love and positive energy have stirred up our fears of getting close, and
we have begun to engage in actions that will make either us or our partner pull
back, thus lessening the fear. What are some of the actions that we typically take
to pull back?

Going Numb

One common way of stopping closeness is to cut off sensation. You are in
the midst of an intense sensual experience with your partner, for example, when
suddenly you lose all feeling. Where did it go?

To use another example, you subconsciously feel very angry at your

partner but do not let yourself feel it or talk about it. Later, perhaps in bed, you
find that you have less feeling toward your partner. We cut off sensation in our
bodies in some common ways. One way is to stop breathing fully, which shuts
down our capacity to experience and respond fully. We simply are lacking the fuel
that full breathing supplies. Another way is to develop tension, pain, or loss of
sensation in muscles. Some of the muscles that are most susceptible are those
that are involved in emotional expression: reaching out, pushing away, standing
up for ourselves. A third way of going numb is to remove attention from the
present and go to an interior fantasy world, perhaps constructing a grocery list or
getting rescued by a favorite movie star.
 17

Going numb, then, is one thing that can happen when we go unconscious.
It is a way the unconscious has of removing us from a situation that we fear for
one reason or another.

Making Wrong

When our fear of closeness is operating, we are very likely to find fault with
our partners, to make them wrong for something they are doing or not doing. If
we can transfer blame to them, we unconsciously think, then we can escape for a
little while longer the burdensome responsibility of inquiring more deeply into
ourselves. One nonverbal sign of making wrong is an increase in territoriality.
Suddenly it becomes important to know what's ours and what's our partner's. We
may feel intruded upon, irritable because they've left dishes in the sink again,
conscious of our property and our space. Retreating and glowering is one option
when we are making wrong; another approach is to brandish a nonverbal sword
of grimaces, sighs, sneers, clucks, flounces, significant glares, and other indirect
signals of disapproval.

To complicate matters, it is when our fear is running most strongly that it

seems most clear to us that it actually is the other person's fault Psychologists
call this projection. The word is apt if you think of a movie projector as an
example. If you were in the projector's place, with all those exciting pictures
flickering on the other side of the room, you might find it hard to believe that you
were the source of the pictures. Projection is a major problem in relationships;
Chapter 8 will discuss projection in detail

Running an Old Movie

Getting close to another person involves going out of control. Even if losing
control is ultimately fun, it can be scary at first. So when the plot of our life begins
to speed up and go along unfamiliar lines, we often dial up a more familiar script.
Even if the old plot has not worked very well, at least it is predictable, less scary
and easier to control. There is part of the mind that likes to do things the same
old way, even if that way has not brought much happiness to us. At least it has
kept us alive, and )under stress the mind often dials up the programs that have
been associated with survival.

In forming close relationships a major task is being conscious of the dramas

we create based on our old scripts. A role will always feel flatter and less alive
 18

than genuine expression. If we look closely, roles have a familiar cast, a sense of
repetition, and a deadening feeling (because we've seen it all before). Our
partners recognize, usually unconsciously, when we are playing our old movies;
they summon up a matching role for fear of disrupting the familiar pattern of the
relationship. Chapter 7, on nonverbal aspects of relationships, will explore this
problem in detail.

Power Struggles

Another way of avoiding closeness is by engaging in power struggles.

Power struggles are characterized by such issues as:

Who gets to be right?

Who has to be wrong?

Whose problem is this?

What process are we going to use to solve problems?

Who has the power to end the relationship?

Most of us have unmet power needs from times in our life when we were
powerless in the face of erratic and sometimes cruel treatment. Too,
powerlessness is simply part of growing up, even ifyour childhood is happy and
free of fear. So many of us find ourselves later in life using relationships as an
arena in which to work out power issues.

In power struggles, our bodies act out the fear of scarcity: there's never
enough to go around. It is a leftover problem from the time in our lives when we
were developing our relationship to rules and authority. Many couples get stuck
in a stance where arms are crossed and heels are dug in: I'm not going to play.

Susan Campbell, in her interviews with one hundred couples reported in

The Couples' Journey, found that power struggles blocked most couples from
going ahead into a stage of co-creativity. In other words, many couples get
bogged down in wrestling with power issues and do not get to a level of
closeness that would allow them to create something new for themselves and
the world. How to get beyond power struggles is the subject of a later chapter.
 19

Conflicting Feelings

Sometimes in getting close to another person, feelings such as fear, anger,

and sadness will arise unbidden from within us. Where do they come from? Did
the other person cause them? Why are they coming up now?

The purifying effect of love and positive attention in a relationship will

often cause long-harbored feelings to rise to the surface. For example, a man told
the authors of a process that concerned him greatly. At the peak of making love
with his wife he would find himself thinking angry thoughts about his mother. He
would sometimes replay childhood situations that had occurred more than thirty
years before. In the process of counseling, he discovered that he had gotten his
sexual feelings intertwined with angry feelings toward his mother. Now, when he
would feel deep sexual feelings toward his wife, the old anger would be tugged
up along with the sexuality. After he allowed himself to feel and explore the old
anger, it stopped coming up to cloud his sexual feelings.

The same process can happen with fear and sadness. Somehow they get
tied up with the experience of closeness, so that later in life we get close and feel
scared or sad. These conflicting feelings must be sorted out carefully. Chances
are they have little or nothing to do with the person you are in relationship with in
the present. Perhaps the person reminds you of someone from the past, or
perhaps it is simply because they are the same gender as the person with whom
you originally had the problem. The other person is usually only a trigger for the
feelings that bother you.

Inexperienced and unexpressed feelings get stored in the body. Like the
strings of a harp, these feelings vibrate when a particular chord is struck by
getting close to someone. If in the past, for example, you had your feelings
misunderstood and turned against you, the current experience of getting close is
likely to twang the strings of sadness and fear. Exploring the life of the body, the
subtle ways our insides speak to us, can help us in sorting out conflicting feelings
so we can clear the channels for closeness.

Arguments

As we get closer to another person, our fears of intimacy may cause us to

start an argument or see to it that the other person starts one. But what if the
other person actually starts one all by himself or herself? What if we actually are
 20

the victim in the situation? The answers to these questions are tough, but
potentially illuminating.

In fact, we get to know how much responsibility for an argument belongs

to us and how much belongs to the other person only after we have opened
ourselves up to the possibility that it's all ours. In other words, after you are
willing to acknowledge that the problem may all be a projection of yours, you get
a more accurate picture of who actually owns the problem.

For example, a man accuses his wife of having a wandering eye. He says
that she flirts with other men when they are out in public. She says, on the other
hand, that he is paranoid on the subject, that he sees flirtation when she is only
having a normal conversation with another man. Whose problem is it? Looking
beneath the surface, we find that his mother left his father and him when he was
eight to go off with another man. Ah, so it's his problem! But wait, her father
molested her as a child, forcing her into a pattern with men in which she is
seductive with a lot of underlying anger.

The point of this example is that there is never any satisfying way to pin a
problem to one person in a two-person relationship. The only solution is for both
people to take on the problem as their own. Then it becomes possible to know
more about how to solve it.

The magic moment in couples therapy comes when two people drop a
power struggle ("It's your problem!" "No, it's not, it's yours!") and individually
begin to take responsibility for creating the problem. The authors have found
that in relationship therapy one person will often take personal responsibility for
problems before the other person does. If the other person remains tenaciously
attached to blame and fault, there is very little likelihood the relationship will
grow. Taking responsibility is so powerful that if one person does and the other
doesn't, a volatile situation is at hand.

Illness

Sometimes a movement toward closeness can bring up such deep

resistance that the person will become ill in order to pull back. It is common for
people to get sick to keep from doing something they have mixed feelings about.
A sore throat before a recital, a slipped disc before a vacation-you have probably
heard of many such examples. Since the act of getting close brings up such
 21

powerful emotions, it is easy to see why we might make ourselves sick rather
than experience the intensity of feeling. As an experiment, think of the last few
times you were sick. Did they coincide with getting close or getting separate
from someone?

One of the authors' favorite examples comes from a friend of ours in

California. She and her boyfriend had gone steady through college but had
waited until marriage to make love to each other. This was a decision they had
agonized over at length because they felt a strong attraction to each other.
Finally they graduated and had the Big June Wedding. While they were on their
way to a secluded Oregon cabin after the wedding, in heated anticipation of the
big moment, a hubcap came off the car and rolled into the bushes. He went to
fetch it, got poison ivy from head to toe, and spent the next three days in the
hospital with a l03-degree fever. Part of the time he had to be packed in ice.

The Experience of Getting Close

There are several key steps involved in getting close. First is your decision
that this is really what you consciously want. Not all of us have this as a goal in
our lives. If you do, though, the conscious setting of an intention is a potent step.
The next step is the process of dealing with whatever comes up that is in the way,
whether it is projection, arguments, conflicting feelings, or other manifestations
of resistance. The third step is enhancing your ability to experience positive
energy. As you clear up your resistances to having close relationships, you will
begin to

 22

three
On Getting Separate

 23

We hunger for true autonomy as much as we hunger for closeness. On the

surface, separateness does not seem like it would be such a good thing as
closeness. In fact, it is the essential other half. Our resistance to autonomy is
based on the fact that we often associate it with aloneness or loneliness; these
latter feelings, however, arise from incomplete separateness. True autonomy
comes only after one has eliminated the barriers of loneliness.

A close, truly enlightening relationship can take place only between two
people who are also willing to be completely separate. It is a paradox, and an
important one to understand.

Human beings have a pulsation in regard to relationships. As in breathing,

there is an out-breath and an in-breath. We like to get close, and we like to be
autonomous. We often fear both.

Imagine that you are an infant. You seek closeness; you thrive on it. It
feeds you. Of course, if your mother does not like you, or is angry at having had
you, or is scared, or chain-smokes, you may develop some resistance to getting
close combined with your desire for it Later in life these resistances may rise to
the surface when you get close to others.

As you grow as a child, you begin to seek autonomy. You need to develop a
sense of self, an ability to feel deeply at home in your own

body and in the world. It is crucial to you to learn to explore the world, to
stand on your own two feet, to have your own relationship with the universe.

Ideally we would learn to abandon ourselves to total closeness with others,

and we would learn to experience total autonomy so that our closeness would
not be based on neediness. In fact, few of us achieve this ideal without first doing
some serious work on ourselves.
 24

As we get close, we often get afraid of losing our independent sense of self.
And up come all the resistances we discussed in the last chapter. As we move
toward separateness, we usually have to go through the fear of loneliness to get
there. We get worried that we won't be able to get close again, so we pull back
from being truly autonomous. Caught in this seesaw of reactions, our ideal
flowing dance of full closeness and true autonomy becomes rigid and jerky.

All the problems that come up when we are getting close can also emerge
when we are moving toward autonomy. A few examples from the authors'
experience follow:

A man plans a trip by himself to get some space from his family only to
injure himself the night before.

A woman goes back to college after ten years only to get pregnant her
first semester.

A woman leaves her abusive husband only to total her car the first week,
leaving her dependent on him for transportation.

Examples like these are common because we fear true dependence.

Autonomy is often a particular problem for women, who must contend with such
cultural myths as the following:

A woman is not complete without a man.

A woman must passively wait, like Sleeping Beauty, until the right man
comes along.

Independence is a masculine trait-a really feminine woman is dependent

and semi helpless.

Myths like these have kept women from figuring out what they want and
need, and from acting to fulfill their own sense of destiny. But the fact is that all
human beings must struggle with inhibitions and prohibitions against true
autonomy. In part we have to overcome what Alan Watts called the taboo
against knowing who we are. In large part, though, it is simply a matter of
 25

practice and learning. We do not get much training in how to be fully

independent. So It is a project that intelligent people have to Initiate for
themselves. When we are first tuning in to what it will take to be autonomous,
the signals come in weakly if at all. Later, with courageous practice, it often
becomes easier as the internal information surfaces in a clearer fashion. To start
the process, ask yourself several questions:

"Am I afraid that If I become truly autonomous It will keep me from

getting close?"

"Am I willing to be at once truly autonomous and totally close to others?"

"What do I need to clear up to become autonomous?"

Questions like these do not have single right answers; rather, they are
ways of opening up to a healing, enlightening dialogue with your inner self.

 26

four
The Differences Between a Relationship and
an Entanglement

 27

When we first start waking up to what life and relationships are all about,
we often realize that we have created a number of entanglements instead of
relationships. Entanglements are based on need, incompleteness, and inequality.
Relationships are between equals. Often, entanglements are what we have to
start with. It is up to us to transform our entanglements into relationships if we
are able, and to create new relationships that reflect what we truly want.

Very few of us know how to create enlightening relationships from the

beginning. Usually what happens is that one day we wake up, find ourselves deep
in entanglements, then go through the often painful process of ending
entanglements and creating relationships that truly nourish us.

Here is one man's experience:

My first wife and I were married in our early twenties, at a time when I was
probably the most un-conscious I have ever been. I knew next to nothing about myself,
my feelings, her feelings, how to communicate; in short, I had none of the skills I would
later come to find essential in living my life. A few years later, as the result of
counseling, I began to wake up to the world of feelings within myself, to what I wanted
and needed, to what I wanted to become. And I gazed in horror at the relationships I
was in, particularly the one with my wife. We rarely talked about anything important.
We lied to each other frequently, fought bitterly and often, had little in common, and
never got beyond our conditioned patterns to deal with anything significant between
us.

I had gotten into the relationship because of my old unconscious wants and
needs. Looking back, I realize I created a relationship with lies and anger in it, because I
thought that was the way life was. I was completely out of touch with myself,
particularly my anger; perhaps I created such an angry partner to bring me squarely into
contact with it

Leaving the relationship did not solve the problem. After we split up, it still took
years of work to clean up all the unfinished business we had amassed in our four years
 28

together. I can see now, though, that everything I experienced, awful though it was at
the time, was absolutely essential to teach me what I needed to know. My present
relationship, and the joy and clarity it has, would not have been possible without the
things I learned back then.

CHARACTERISTICS OF ENTANGLEMENTS

In an entanglement you are trying to get something from the other person
that you did not get from a past relationship. For example, if you suffered as a
child because you could not get the approval you wanted from your father, you
might create a relationship with a man from whom it is hard to get approval. Or,
if you spent energy as a child keeping Mom happy so she wouldn't get angry, you
are now the peacemaker in your present family, always trying to reconcile
warring factions.

It never works. Even if you are successful at meeting the old need in the
present relationship, something about it never feels quite right. There is part of
us that needs to replay old drama, but there is part of us that wants more than
that. Ultimately we want to be free of the past, to create something new in
ourselves and the universe. That is why we must get beyond entanglements.

A second sign of an entanglement is that you must arrange for the other
person to act in ways that match your expectations. A woman mentioned in
counseling that her husband always flirted with other women. She cited as an
example an experience at a party, when he had told a sexy joke to another
woman. "But you were right there," he sputtered, "and you brought her over to
meet me in the first place." Upon inquiring into the problem, the woman recalled
being witness as a child to numerous battles about her father's infidelities. She
sided with her mother in these fights. Later, although her husband was in fact
completely faithful to her, she would set up situations in which she could read
potential infidelity.

It is not easy to spot these patterns quickly. Sometimes people need to run
them by a few thousand times before they see what they are doing. Some, of
course, never wake up. They continue to recycle the same patterns throughout
their lives.

Sometimes, too, it is not a matter of getting the person to act in ways that
match our expectations; rather, we pick a person who fits the required picture
without needing any adjustments. For example, a woman ended a hard-fought
 29

fifteen-year entanglement with an abusive and alcoholic husband, only to marry

an abusive man with a drug problem a few years later.

Another reason we get into entanglements is to complete something that

is missing from ourselves. Here are some examples: .

I am out of touch with my feelings, so I get into an entanglement

with someone who is highly emotional.

I cannot love myself, so I link up with someone who assures me I

am lovable.

I am ambivalent about my sexuality so I link up with someone who has

very low sex drive.

One characteristic of entanglements is that they involve making a deal

with the other person. Some examples of deals are:

I'll do the thinking if you do the feeling.

If you won't change, I won't either.

If you agree not to talk about-------. then I won't talk about-_

These deals are usually entirely unconscious. If a deal is consciously made

("I'll do the dishes and you mow the lawn, okay?" "Okay."), then it does not
present a problem. The deals that cause trouble are those that are based on
patterns learned in the past and now being employed unconsciously.

Many people enter relationships seeking completion in some fashIon. We

want the other person to make up for some lack we feel In ourselves. Another
way of saying this is that we often demand from others what we cannot give
ourselves; for example, a man who feels unlovable requires frequent assurances
of his lovableness by his mate; a woman who Is highly dependent requires that
her man always be strong and not reveal his tender side. .
 30

Relationships based on incompletion and inequality do not serve to

enlighten people. Notice what happens when you multiply one-half times one-
half. You get one-fourth, less than the value of either multiplier alone. Even if you
are seeking just a tiny bit of completion from the other person (nine-tenths times
nine-tenths), you still get less than you had before.

Another characteristic of an entanglement is that it is difficult for one

person to let the other go through complete cycles of emotion and energy.
Entanglements are based on incompletion, so we cannot allow the other person
to become complete for fear the relationship would be over. When the partner
feels sad, for example, it is hard to let the person go deeply into it to have a
complete experience of sadness. We are compelled to rush in and make them
feel better. One of the most striking aspects of couple counseling is watching
how people block each other from experiencing feelings or telling the truth. Here
are a few examples witnessed firsthand:

A woman begins to talk about some anger she is feeling, and her husband
breaks into a fit of coughing. She begins again when he subsides; this time he
gets up and asks where the bathroom is.

A man starts to tell his wife his point of view on a problem; she "spaces
out" and has to have it repeated several times.

A couple finally begins to tell each other the truth about some long-held
back feelings. Then they cancel their next session at the last minute. The
following week the therapist gets a note that says they are quitting therapy
altogether.

One of the clearest signs of entanglement, then, is that it is hard for one
person to let the other person feel his or her feelings and tell the truth about
them. The reason for this problem is that in an entanglement we have
intermingled our own unfelt feelings and untold truths with the other person's.
Instead of consciously agreeing that the relationship exists for the purpose of
each person's getting freedom from his or her old feelings and patterns, we
create an entanglement by unconsciously agreeing to keep the other person
from feeling and expressing certain things. When the other person feels fear, for
example, we rush in to assuage it and make it all better.
 31

In the relationship workshops conducted by the authors, we have partners

practice simply "being there" while the other person goes through cycles of
emotion. We also have people practice listening while their partners verbalize
emotions:

"I'm scared."

"I'm angry."

"I want to grow."

"I'm sad."

"I'm full of positive energy."

"I'm happy."

Most people find it very difficult at first to keep from jumping in to

interrupt, to give advice, or to provide an instant solution. As humans we get very
little training in how to give other people the space to feel and express their
feelings.

Most of the time when people tell others what they are feeling, they really
don't want advice, solutions, or reassurances that they are right to feel that way.
They simply want to be heard, to have their point of view acknowledged. Most
people are capable of thinking up their own solutions if they are given a little
room in which to do it The trouble is that many of us have been intruded upon so
many times with other people's solutions to our problems, that our own problem-
solving skills have never been developed.

In an entanglement, control is a big issue. We want to control how our

partners feel, whom they like, what they want. It is important for us to know who
they are talking to on the phone and what they get in the mail. Yet in order to
have enlightening relationships, each person must learn to let go of control, both
of themselves and of the other person, so that they can discover the creativity
that comes with freedom.

A final characteristic of entanglement that we will discuss has to do with

how conflict is handled. In an entanglement, arguments are often about making
one person wrong and the other one right. Both people are trying to prove that
 32

they are the victims in the situation, that the other person is the perpetrator. This
point of view is based on inequality, so naturally it will never work. But that often
does not stop us from engaging in the who's-right-who's-wrong game. It takes
practice to learn to solve problems so that both people come out as equals.

Enlightening relationships are based on incompletion and inequality;

therefore, they are not characterized by the problems we have discussed in this
chapter. At the moment you decide to become whole in yourself and equal to
everyone else, any entanglement can be transformed into an enlightening
relationship. Just how this process is begun is the subject of our next chapter.

 33

five
How to Create Enlightening Relationships

 34

Enlightening relationships, those that yield ever-increasing clarity and

creativity in both partners, grow from certain key intentions in yourself and
certain key agreements with your partner. If you are not in a close relationship
and desire to be, the setting of correct intentions is probably the single most
important step you can take to open you to getting what you want. If you are in a
close relationship and want to enlighten it, setting intentions and making
meaningful agreements with your partner are the primary tasks that need to be
done.

An intention is a mindset that makes a difference. For example, one person

may say "Hit" with the intention of wishing you well and another person may say
"Hit" with the intention of snatching your purse. Your intention is the mindset
that is behind everything you say and do.

An agreement is something that you and your partner agree upon

consciously. An agreement Is the opposite of a deal, which is usually unconscious
and based on Inequality. In a deal, for example, a computer programmer who
thinks well but is very out of touch with her feelings links up with an opera singer
who is highly emotional but has few logical thinking skills. Their unconscious deal
is that she will do the thinking if he does the feeling. He will keep her from having
to learn about the emotional world, and she will keep him from having to learn to
think rationally. In an agreement, they would each spot their respective
weaknesses and get the other's support in learning from each other so they could
be whole.

SOME TROUBLESOME INTENTIONS

Some people, as we have seen, enter a relationship to complete something

from the past, perhaps to get the approval they did not get from a parent This
intention blocks the possibility of their having an enlightening relationship with
 35

their current partner, because it is based on the past. If you have a problem with a
parent, you cannot hope to resolve it with your present partner. You have to go
back into the past, confronting the parent either in your imagination or in real
life, and clear up the problem with the person it directly involves.

People also come into relationships with the intention of proving

something to themselves or others. We have all sorts of things we are trying to
prove:

"I need to prove I'm lovable."

"I need to prove I deserve to be here."

"I need to prove I'm powerful."

"I need to prove that people can't be trusted."

"I need to prove my sexuality."

"I need to confirm that I am stupid and helpless."

All of these issues are crucial to resolve; however, none of them can be
proved through a relationship. For example, a man in his twenties had numerous
sexual partners but felt unable to make a commitment to any one person. He
finally realized that he was trying to prove his sexuality. He'd had a lot of
homosexual feelings as a teenager, and some part of his mind was deeply
worried that women did not turn him on sexually. Another part of his mind came
up with the solution of having a great many sexual partners in order to eliminate
his fear. This solution was indirect, however, and gave him no lasting satisfaction.
Often a problem does not disappear until it is met directly. For example, a new
set of clothes can be a boost to the self-esteem, but to achieve more lasting
change we first have to ask ourselves: Why don't I feel good about myself in the
first place?

The man with doubts about his sexuality ultimately had to acknowledge
his homosexual feelings and the fact that he still had them sometimes. Once he
was honest with himself he found that women did, in fact, interest him sexually.
 36

Finally, he was able to make a commitment to a woman with whom he later had
a child.

Another intention that causes trouble in relationships is the need to be

right. Many of us have had the experience in growing up of seeing people around
us put a great deal of energy into being right, even if it meant they had to
sacrifice the quality of life for themselves and others around them. Naturally,
when one person has to be right, someone else has to be wrong. Many of us have
learned, then, a way of seeing the world as a place where there is a constant
dance of inequality going on. If I'm right, you have to be wrong; if I'm wrong, you
must be right. Or, we're both right, and the rest of the world is wrong.

Good judgment gets replaced by judgmentalness; all of our actions have to

be filtered through an intention to be right or to protect ourselves from being
wrong. Until this need is taken care of, the brakes are on as far as any further
development of the relationship is concerned. To begin to eliminate this
problem, it is enough to set a new intention: I am now willing to put my energy
into being happy and making a contribution to people's lives instead of putting
my energy into being right. With this new mindset, your thoughts and actions will
begin the slow process of change that will ultimately affect every area of your
life.

Another troublesome intention is the one in which we play out a certain

script that we unconsciously have adopted as our personal drama. One example
is the experience of one of the authors (GH):
My father was overweight, smoked heavily, and did not exercise. He died when
he was thirty-two, leaving my mother with an infant (me) to bring up. Later, in my
twenties, I was one hundred pounds overweight, smoked heavily, and did not exercise. I
did not see the connection between my father's life and mine until one day someone
asked me why I was so fat. I realized after much soul-searching that I was replaying my
father's life. If I died I would leave my infant daughter behind to be raised by my wife.
To top it all off, I was married at the time to a woman whose father had died when she
was a child (he was overweight, smoked heavily, did not exercise), leaving her mother
to raise her alone. All these awarenesses triggered a turnaround in me which led to my
losing the one hundred pounds, stopping smoking, and getting into good physical
shape.

There are as many variations in scripts as there are people to play them out
Some themes, however, are common enough to stand out. For example, one
 37

common script among women is the one in which a woman is raised to be the
perfect representative of a certain ideal. She may find herself later in life with the
perfect home, the perfect number of children, and the perfect husband, only to
feel perfectly miserable inside. Another common role is that of the man scripted
to be the big winner on the gridiron of life, who finds himself at age forty having
won big on the outside, only to have a major war going on inside of him.

One reliable way of finding out what script you are playing out is to inquire
into it. Ask yourself, your friends, and your family if they see any connection
between the way you are living and what they know of your experiences when
you were growing up. Not all aspects of scripts cause problems. You will surely
want to maintain the parts that work. But you also will never be quite satisfied
until you consciously have chosen your life for yourself, rather than running along
tracks laid down for you by someone else.

We have seen how intentions and agreements are the starting points for
enlightening relationships. Your revised personal intentions and what you and
your partner consciously agree upon can be the rules for a liberating new game.
We have also explored some of the Intentions that do not work to bring about
enlightening relationships.

Now, let us proceed to the specific intentions and agreements that make
enlightening relationships possible.

 38

SIX
The Intentions and Agreements Essential to
an Enlightening Relationship

 39

One powerful thing about intentions is that you can change them simply
by changing your mind. Intentions exist only in the mind, although they influence
everything we say and do. Because they are purely in the mind, intentions can be
changed as quickly and completely as you can change your mind. For example, all
your life you may have been operating with the intention of getting love from
people in relationship with you. One day you wake up, see the folly of that
position, and decide to change your intention. You think: From now on I am
going to focus on giving love to people in relationship with me. The change has
been made entirely in your own mind, and yet it alters everything. No doubt
there will be a period of going back and forth between the old intention (getting
love) and the new intention (giving love). But once you have set a new intention,
there is no way you can go back entirely to your previous mindset. So you
shouldn't be surprised if your actions begin to change radically in the new
direction.

There is the same kind of beautiful simplicity to agreements. Ifyou come

up with an enlightening intention, all you have to do is ask your partner if he or
she will consciously agree to have it be part of your relationship.

When you set an enlightening intention or make an enlightening

agreement with your partner, you often invite into your awareness anything that
is in the way of it. So, for example, the day after you set the intention "I'm now
willing to clear up my fear of death," you may see death and decrepitude
everywhere. Similarly, you and your partner may make an agreement, "Our
relationship is going to be about celebrating our full potential rather than holding
each other back." The next minute, your deepest power struggle may reveal itself
in disquieting detail. Of course, sometimes the new intention slides easily into
place without stirring up any resistance to itself.
 40

Here are some of the intentions and agreements that have been found
useful in bringing about personal freedom and enlightening relationships. As you
read them, please feel free to try them on in your mind so that you can notice
what resistance they stir up. If you are in a close relationship, you may want to
seek agreement from your partner on some of the ones that appeal to you most.

The intentions are in the form of "I'm willing ..." statements. The reason for
this is that when you are willing for a change to occur, without demanding that it
occur in a certain way, you open up tremendous creative possibilities. For
example, if you lose your keys and "try" to find them, it is often very frustrating.
This is because you are making an effort to find them, and probably using the
same state of mind you were in when you lost them. If you relax and simply get
willing to find them, you move from an effortful focus to a wider perspective. The
moment we become willing for something to happen without demanding that it
happen in a certain way, we move beyond the restrictions of normal ego
consciousness. The ego is an important part of us, but it is only a part of us; there
are many more creative ways the mind can operate. Willingness allows us to
stand free of the limitations of the mind so that a deeper creativity can emerge.
At first it may feel odd to solve problems and make changes without ego and
effort. That is because we have come to expect change to be hard. Let us
experiment with a new way, though, to see if it serves us better.

INTENTION #1

I am willing to be totally independent and totally close. Establishing this

intention in your mind sets a new game for you to play. The old game looked
something like this:

We get close, and up comes fear of losing self. So we make ourselves or our
partner wrong in order to have an excuse to pull back.

Then we get separate, and up comes fear of being alone, of not

experiencing unity. So we get sick, or pull some manipulation to get close again.

The solution to this problem is for both people to agree to be totally close,
and to give each other total permission to become fully independent

 41

INTENTION #2

I am willing to have my relationships be a force that takes me to full

enlightenment. All of us have our own definitions of what enlightenment Is. For
one person, it is simply getting free of some troublesome pattern. For another
person, it is blissful union with the Divine. Regardless of your definition, this
intention allows your relationships to serve your enlightenment For thousands of
years many people have thought that human relationships detract from
enlightenment. Yogis go to caves, monks to monasteries, nuns to convents.
Some theologians have often implied that if you really want to serve spiritual
growth you have to eliminate sex and close relationships with the opposite sex. It
is now time to heal this split and see the truth of the matter: With the correct
intentions, relationships can enhance spiritual growth. If we view other people as
equals, then our relationships with them become as important to enlightenment
as meditation, prayer, postures, books, or rituals. All things, we must remind
ourselves, are connected to all other things. So jf we withdraw from relationships
with people, we are in fact withdrawing from enlightenment Itself.

INTENTION #3

I am willing to clear up anything in the way of my full enlightenment and

ability to be close. This is a key intention that can allow your journey to
enlightenment to become much smoother. If you develop the intention of
clearing up any personality issues that stand between you and full enlightenment
and closeness, you ignite a rocket underneath your life. Then, if you are willing to
carry out the intention with no inconvenience to yourself and others, you reduce
drag on yourself and others around you so that the ride becomes much more fun.
For example, if part of your enlightenment involves dealing with a lot of old
repressed anger inside you, one way to handle it would be to punch a few people
out Doing it this way might inconvenience you, though, and it would almost
certainly inconvenience others. In contrast, you could discharge the anger by
chopping wood or having a furious workout at the gym, and no one would be
inconvenienced by it

This intention Is one of the deepest commitments we can make to

ourselves and each other. It is in contrast to some of the commitments we
perhaps have made in the past:

Will you stick with me no matter how badly I abuse myself and you?
 42

Will you deny your growth if I deny mine?

Will you set new records for pain endurance on my behalf.

With Intention #3, you make it clear to yourself and others that you are
committed to your transformation and to the highest development of your
relationships. You are on record as being willing to transform in ways that
simultaneously serve you and the people around you. In enlightening
relationships, there can be no conflict between what serves your evolution and
what serves your relationships as a whole. If both parties are agreed that their
growth and the relationship's growth are the same, even seeming conflicts. can
be viewed as contributing to the growth of the relationship. This way of thinking
is radically different from that which most of us have seen around us in our
development

INTENTION #4

I am willing to have other people be fully empowered in my presence. Some

people base their relationships on unconscious deals that limit the other person's
power and potential. The unspoken contract is: I'll stay in this relationship with
you as long as you don't become too powerful, creative, and independent. This
deal is a holdover from the "Who's boss?" struggles in childhood.

The intention to allow others to be powerful and successful in your

presence announces to those around you that you are willing to support their
highest well-being. It often has the effect of forcing others to think about what
they want and need to live out their full potential. When people in a close
relationship agree that they are there to support each other's full development, a
most creative alliance is formed.

INTENTION #5

I'm willing to take space as often as necessary to nurture myself and the
relationship. In a close relationship it Is necessary to be conscious about taking
time off. Human beings need time and space to themselves, away from close
contact with others. If we do not get an occasional respite from contact with
others, we have a tendency to lose contact with our inner selves. When this
contact with the inner self is lost, it is easy to slip into resentment, blame, and a
 43

lessened sense of responsibility for our lives. If we do not allow ourselves to take
space consciously, we will usually find a way to do it unconsciously, often through
getting sick, having an accident, or starting an argument to alienate others.

Human beings seem to have as great a need for space as they do for
closeness. It takes conscious work in a relationship to let it be all right for both
people to take time off from each other. It seems essential to do so, though,
particularly in an enlightening relationship where both people are growing and
changing constantly.

INTENTION #6

I am willing to have our relationship be about giving and receiving maximum

positive energy. When you choose an enlightening relationship, you consciously
design a new game. The old games are very familiar to us. The old games are
about things like:

Power struggles

Accumulating goods

Putting on a good show for the neighbors

Suffering and sacrifice

Staying together for the children

Regrets and resentments, mutually shared and repressed.

Enlightening relationships create some vibrant new rules for the game.
One of the finest things relationships can be about is giving and receiving the
maximum amount of positive energy. It is possible to decide consciously that
your relationship is going to be based on exchanging positive energy rather than
on things like power struggles, problems, and mutual suffering. The authors have
experienced the results personally, have seen them in other people's lives, and
recommend the experience highly.

To build enlightening relationships, we have to develop the skill of setting

intentions that simultaneously serve our own evolution and the growth of the
 44

relationship. To do so we must be courageous enough to create something

entirely new against tremendous pressure from the past. On our side is the fact
that the human being is remarkably creative and flexible. Also on our side, it is
our deep conviction, is the fact that humans really want enlightening
relationships.

When you look your partner in the eye and ask, "Are you willing to have our
relationship be about having fun instead of having problems?", chances are you'll
get a surprised "Yes!" Whether you get a yes or a rapidly backpedalling partner,
at least you will have the clarity and satisfaction of knowing what you want and
of being courageous enough to speak up in its behalf.

 45

Seven
What Entanglements Look and Feel Like in
the Body

 46

When they walked in for their first counseling session, tension crackled
between them like electricity. She moved with a jerky quickness, glancing over
her shoulder at him as he dragged his body along. Her eyes flitted as she spoke,
fingers flicking, her whole body asquirm. His chest was walled off, breath
invisible, face impassive. "What would you like to have happen?" the therapist
asked. He replied, "I'd like her not to be so sloppy." She said, "I'd like to be more
intimate." Their body language perfectly reflected their problem: They lived in
the same house but in two different worlds.

It is important to have an intellectual understanding of how entanglements

work. In this chapter, though, we want to go further, into how entanglements
look and feel. In order to clear up entanglements and move into enlightening
relationships, it is necessary to become an astute observer of the nonverbal
aspects of troublesome relationship patterns. The patterns that cause us
difficulty in relationships are all visible to the sensitive observer. The patterns
appear in the way we carry our bodies, the way we move, the way we breathe,
how we hold ourselves as we interact with others.

Exploration of the nonverbal world generates consciousness, dissolving the

veil between people so that they can experience and express their feelings,
needs, and issues directly. In this chapter we will discuss the common nonverbal
issues that trouble people in relationships; the later chapter on nonverbal
activities will provide exercises which can put these learnings into practice.

The way one's body moves and feels in the presence of the other reflects
exactly what is going on in the relationship. In entanglements, partners' bodies
change shape in uncomfortable ways. One shrinks, another puffs the chest.
While one partner is talking, the other tilts his or her head and turns slightly
away. The body may reflect a conflict between wanting to get close and also
fearing it; pelvis and legs may be reaching forward while the shoulders are pulling
 47

back. On the other hand, one might want to be close while being afraid of one's
sexuality. In this pattern, the chest and shoulders are forward while the pelvis is
pulled back.

Controlling the other person is a central problem in entanglements.

Control generates intrusive movement patterns. Here are a few classics:

Interrupting the other person while he or she Is speaking

Moving into the partner's space in a threatening way

Standing over the other person

Looking away (perhaps glancing at the clock) during an Interchange

Sighing or fidgeting while the other person Is talking

Often, control problems manifest themselves in not allowing partners to

complete actions. A sentence Is finished for the partner, something dropped by
one partner is picked up by the other. Control is also manifested in dragging
passively on the relationship. One partner holds back, keeps secrets, walks
slower, has trouble getting ready to go out on time, shows up late for luncheon
dates. In some cases both partners compete to see who can outdrag the other
one.

Too, some people believe that once they are in a committed relationship
they have certain unspoken rights over the other person. Examples are the right
to know what the other person is thinking, who they are talking to, where they
are going. Another form of these rights is the "If you really loved me ..."
expectation. Examples of these unconscious beliefs are "If you really loved me
you would want to spend all your free time with me," or "If you really loved me
you would dislike the same people I dislike."

These expectations are communicated through body language that is

unique to the people involved. For example, one man communicated his
expectations about his partner's housekeeping duties by straightening up after
she had finished cleaning a room. In another example, a couple would spend an
hour or two in the same room without touching each other. Then the phone
 48

would ring, and the man would go to answer it. As he carried on his conversation,
suddenly his wife would become very affectionate, coming over to hug him and
nuzzle his ears as he talked.

If partners cannot speak the truth directly to each other, they have an
entanglement. If you cannot seem to tell your partner your feelings, wants, and
needs, or if your body feels uncomfortable as you are communicating, there is
likely an entanglement that needs straightening out. Body signs of not telling the
truth include difficulty in making eye contact, tilting the head, looking out from
under the eyebrows, and holding the breath.

Breathing patterns closely reflect one's ability to communicate clearly. For

example, a person In therapy discovers a polarity within himself, two separate
personalities that he would dial up as the situation demanded. One personality's
body language reflected the part of himself he hated: he leaned to the left, held
his breath in an Inflated chest, pursed his lips severely, and walked in a stiff
march. In his other personality, which he called "the martyr," he shifted his
weight to the right side of his body, collapsed his middle in a heavy sigh, limped
slightly, and dragged his body in meandering circles. Both personalities
expressed his conflict over needing and wanting attention but being terrified of
actually getting close to people.

In some entanglements, partners feel that they can't get enough breath.
We often stop ourselves from feeling by stopping breathing fully. If you notice
yourself feeling short of breath, or not having "breathing space," or yawning a lot
around your partner, this may indicate that there are some entanglements that
need unraveling. Perhaps you are stuck in some old pattern, or perhaps there is a
withheld truth that needs telling.

The body speaks its own language. Here are some examples of the body
communicating messages that the mind and mouth have not yet said. A woman
who doesn't really want to go on vacation with her husband strains her back the
night before they're to leave. A man gets a headache the afternoon of their
regular dance club evening. A head is banged on a shelf a few minutes after some
anger is repressed during an argument.

Our bodies have an intelligence all their own. If we learn to listen to them,
they can tell us a great deal about what is going on at deeper levels of our being.
 49

In relationships where people have trouble speaking the truth directly to each
other, there are a great many more body ) complaints, accidents, and illnesses.

SPACE, WEIGHT, AND TIME

Now we will explore three issues that cause many problems in

relationships: space, weight, and time. Each of these issues has nonverbal
components that can be very illuminating when properly understood.

Space

Here are several scenarios that illustrate common problems with regard to
the use of space in a relationship.

She wants to talk over some problems. He agrees and suggests that they
do so in the family room after dinner. When she comes in, the room is full of
smoke from his cigarette. She is allergic to cigarette smoke, and he has agreed
not to smoke in the house.

A man goes to hug his wife. She shrinks away and goes back to reading.
Then, just as he is getting involved with working in his study, she comes in and
tries to get his attention.

He lies down to read. She decides to make a long-distance call to her deaf
aunt in the same room.

They've been on a week's vacation, together twenty-four hours a day. On

the way home they get into a huge argument over who gets the window seat on
the plane.

Since space issues involve our whole bodies, they are often best uncovered
by studying our body language. For example, in the course of therapy the
counselor had a couple try an experiment in which they formed shapes in
movement as they circled the room. Her movements were all centered around
defining a space for herself beyond being a wife and mother. His actions were all
directed at rigidly preventing her from finding a space for herself. Their
movements perfectly reflected the dramas in which they were engaged in real
 50

life. Ultimately she moved out because she could not seem to get the space she
needed.

When space issues are needing attention, certain incidents begin to

happen:

Noticing clothes left around

Asking where "my" book is

Making sure the pie is evenly divided

Feeling angry when someone puts an elbow on "my" seat at the movies

One of the clearest signs of entanglement is an uncomfortable fluctuation

in the body when the partner gets close or goes away. In other words, your body
feels an unpleasant tug when you and your partner come in and out of each
other's space. Space issues are ultimately rooted in our old deep fears of getting
close and getting separate, so much careful attention must be paid to these
issues in order to have enlightening relationships.

Weight

How do you ask for what you want and need in your relationships? Is it
easy? Can you do it straightforwardly and clearly? Or do you use aggressive, wily
tricks or some other indirect approach? These questions are connected to how
we relate to the weight and size of ourselves and others.

Men are generally larger than women. This fact has contributed to many of
the scripted roles between the sexes. Such things as paternalism, chivalry, and
feminine wiles have grown out of the inequality in size between men and women.
Women generally cannot get what they want by brute force, so they have
developed a range of persuasive techniques, many nonverbal, to augment their
smaller physical size. Makeup, clothing styles, and sexually provocative behavior
are part of the arsenal. As one man said to his mate in therapy, "I'm bigger and
you can't make me!" "Wanna bet?" she said with a seductive leer.

Inequality and fear between men and women are at the root of this
behavior. Throwing one's weight around is often the last resort when being
 51

straight has not worked. The enormously high incidence of spousal abuse is a
grim testimony to poor resolution of weight and size Issues in relationships. For
example, one couple had an entanglement In which he would not fight with her.
To her, fighting was an essential form of contact; it meant he really loved her.
When he would not respond, she would escalate her attack; one time she started
pounding on him as he sat woodenly in the chair. When he would reach out to her
In his preferred manner of contact, she would act distracted and scattered.

Power struggles are often weight issues. Do we withhold our impact In the
relationship? Do we go passive and slack? Do we steamroller our partners? In
these and other related Issues, the essential body language to be observed is how
we handle weight and size. It is well worth observing yourself in relationships to
notice if you get smaller with certain people or inflate yourself In the presence of
others. The best arena to watch the play of weight and size issues is in your body
language: your gestures, your postures, the way you move through the world.

Time

Time is a subtle influence on relationships, at once so shadowy and so

pervasive that we often overlook its dramatic effects on our interactions.

Each of us has a preferred rhythm for moving through life. This rhythm is
deeply ingrained in us. Some of us buzz like bees through life, others saunter. In
entanglements, we often are made to feel wrong for our particular rhythm.
"Hurry up! We haven't got all day," says one partner to another. "Do you always
have to rush through everything?" the other replies.

One sign of an entanglement Is one or both partners criticizing the other's

rhythm. In therapy one day, the therapist was having a couple walk around the
room together. The purpose of the activity was to notice what type of
compatibility each had with the other's rhythm. Within seconds, he began to
criticize her for moving too quickly. She became furious. After some exploration
of the problem, it emerged that he was afraid of her rhythm. He associated her
quickness with loss of control and was afraid that she would become scattered
and manic. His slowness was a point of irritation with her; it reminded her of her
infuriatingly methodical father.

When people ignore or deny their natural rhythms, problems can emerge.
For example, a woman always got up at 6 A.M. to make breakfast for her
 52

husband, even though she secretly hated doing it. Often she would bum
something or have some other kitchen mishap occur. Upon exploring the
situation, she realized that she was a night person, while her husband was a
morning person. They solved the problem by her making some tasty breakfasts
the night before that he could fix up quickly. It turned out that he actually
preferred to spend the morning time by himself instead of contending with a
disgruntled and barely awake partner.

One of the deals that Is often made in entanglements is that partners feel
they have to take on the other's rhythm. Sometimes this time-change is
successful, but more often the body stages some sort of protest. We protest by
getting sick, having accidents, and starting arguments, as well as In many other
ways. In one relationship, the woman liked to read and rest at night. She could
easily sit for several hours in the living room without moving much at all. He, on
the other hand, was much more active. At first, because he liked to be with her,
he tried sitting with her and reading, too. He lasted about three nights, then
exploded at her for being so "lazy." Eventually, after much negotiation, they
worked out a compromise in which they gave each other space to occupy their
own rhythms. Other couples do not accomplish this key task, and the relationship
founders.

The solution to the time problem is twofold. First each of us has to inquire
within and find out what rhythm suits us best. This step is not easy, because we
all have had many experiences of being talked out of our natural rhythms. Once
we are in touch with how we like to pulsate, the next task is either to attract
people who share the same rhythm, or to give space to people to have their own
rhythms in our presence.

Becoming aware of the nonverbal signs of entanglements can be a

powerful practice. The body and Its movements are a direct readout of the
unconscious. The mouth can tell outrageous lies, but the body speaks the truth.
So, to disentangle ourselves and create enlightening relationships, we need to
become sharp observers of the ways our bodies feel and move as we interact with
the people around us. As your skill in this area grows, be prepared for some
exhilarating (and often humbling!) awarenesses.

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eight
Projection: a Major Barrier to Enlightening
Relationships

 54

Projection begins the moment we forget we are in charge of creating the

experience we are having. When we are projecting, we pretend that other people
and the world are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and the events that
befall us. Projection comes in many forms. Here are some real-life examples of
projection in action:

A man accuses his wife of flirting with other men at a party. A

battle ensues. When it Is all thrashed out a week later, it emerges that he
had felt a lot of sexual feelings for a woman at the party, had suppressed
those feelings, and then had become obsessed with the sexual quality of
his wife's Interactions with other men.

A woman upbraids her partner for being overly critical. Later she
realizes that she has a loud Inner voice that sneers at her every
adventurous step.

You have a number of encounters with angry people before you

suddenly realize that you are carrying around a lot of anger. After your
realization, the angry people disappear.

A woman at a workshop given by the authors gave a perfect example of

how projection works. Recently divorced after a long marriage, she was
beginning to make her own way in the world. She prided herself on being a
model citizen, never having received a traffic ticket, so when a policeman pulled
her over one day she was astounded. She insisted that she couldn't possibly have
been speeding: "I just don't do things like that." Unmoved by this point of view,
the policeman gave her a ticket anyway. A week later she got another ticket,
again from a male policeman, for the same offense. Again she argued righteously
 55

to no avail. A month later, when she got her third ticket, she woke up and asked
herself: Am I the one that's angry? Do I have some issues to work out with male
authority figures? She discovered a deeply held and fierce anger at her ex-
husband that she had never dealt with. Going into it more deeply, she traced it
back to feelings she also had toward her father and grandfather. She also saw
how holding onto the anger was limiting her success in her career. As soon as she
explored the feelings and cleared them up, her career took a quantum jump in a
more positive direction.

Projection can also take the form of not claiming for ourselves a positive
quality that we see in abundance in someone else. Competitive feelings often
stem from seeing something that we admire in another person and want for
ourselves. Instead of opening up to it and being willing to have it in our own life,
we often retire into defeat and competitive thoughts such as, "Oh, well, I
wouldn't really want to be like that," or "He probably tromped on a lot of people
to get where he is."

In a similar way, we often project onto our relationships something that is

actually an issue inside ourselves. For example, if I need to open up and claim
more of my power, and if I'm afraid to do that, I may begin to notice how much
the relationship I'm in is limiting me. I begin to notice how much power my
partner has and how it is keeping me oppressed.

One facet of projection that is almost always present in entanglements is

the working out of one's internal male and female issues in the relationship. All of
us, whether we're man or woman, must develop the male and female within us.
Each of us must develop a healthy relationship with those traits traditionally
considered feminine: feelings, intuition, compassion, an all-embracing view of
life. Too, each of us must develop the masculine principle within us: the outgoing,
expressive, problem-solving, specific function. A whole man is in touch with his
feelings; a whole woman is at home expressing herself in the world. Most of us
have a great deal of work to do to perfect the development of the male and
female consciousness within us. When we are out of balance, we may try to make
ourselves whole by linking up with a person who represents what we do not have.
A man, for example, may need to learn to be more in touch with his feelings and
needs. He may connect with a woman who is very emotional and needy; then he
may complain about what he's got. It may not occur to him that she is simply a
reflection of something he needs to open up to in himself. Similarly, a woman
 56

may not be willing to cultivate the assertive, outgoing part of herself that the
masculine principle represents. So she may project onto the relationship and
think, "He won't let me be who I really am."

Of course, oftentimes these problems we perceive actually are present in

the relationship. But we do not get to confront the problems effectively until we
are willing to drop projection and confront them in ourselves.

One of the authors (KH) describes a dream that illustrates the projection of
internal male and female issues:
I awoke one morning feeling sad and suspicious after dreaming that Gay was
attracted to another woman and hadn't told me about it The hangover from the dream
made me feel distant from Gay, and I noticed it right away because we usually feel very
close. I like to explore dreams by asking myself what part of myself each part of the
dream represents. I asked myself what part of me I was feeling distant from. Up came
the answer. I was feeling afraid of getting closer, and along with the fear was emerging
a deep old mistrust of males. Going further, it felt like the deeper meaning of the dream
was that I didn't trust my own internal male, that I did not yet feel comfortable owning
my power out in the world. The dream seemed to be a projection of that issue onto my
relationship with Gay. So I opened up more to my power, experienced the fear, and
talked about the whole thing with Gay. Suddenly I felt close to him, completely in
harmony again.

DISSOLVING PROJECTION

The key to dissolving projection is for each person to take 100 percent
responsibility for everything that emerges in the relationship. This intention
allows all events and feelings that emerge in the relationship to be perfect for
your growth at that moment. You get to know what's projection and what's not
only after you're willing to consider everything as a projection.

An important step in this process is identifying the cues inside you that will
let you know that you're projecting. For example, a woman sneezed often with
what she thought were hay fever symptoms. Upon the recommendation of a
therapist, she began noticing what she was thinking and feeling just before she
sneezed. She started noticing that she sneezed frequently when she was holding
back her power or not saying something she wanted to say. A dramatic
breakthrough happened one day as she was shopping for a washer and dryer.
The purchase had much significance for her; it represented one of the first major
purchases of her adult life. At the store she encountered some difficult choices.
 57

As she debated whether to make the decision herself or wait and talk it over with
her husband, she began to sniffle and sneeze. She went out and sat in her car for
a while until she perceived the meaning of the sniffling. Then she went back into
the store and made the best choice she could. At the moment she made the
decision, her sniffling and sneezing vanished.

When we first realize the enormous power of projection, how deeply it

pervades our way of seeing and being in the world, our first response is often
outraged denial. It can be infuriating to realize that we have created a reality full
of suffering, unpleasantness, and lack of energy. These feelings need to be
acknowledged as we loosen our bonds to our old ways of experiencing the world.

Questions that have been found useful by the authors in exploring

projection are:

"Where and how did I learn to see things this way?"

"What am I feeling in my body?"

"Do I feel afraid? Angry? Sad?"

"Do I feel in charge of my feelings right now? If not, who Is 'causing' them?"

"Am I telling the whole truth to myself? To my partner?"

"Am I taking up my full space? Am I making myself smaller?"

"What do I want in this situation?"

The experience of projection involves taking a position with one's mind and
body. I'm right; it's your fault; you won't let me do what I want; you think you've
got it bad. These positions have a direct effect on the body. They stop the flow of
energy and fix it in frozen reactions to life. With practice, it is possible to catch
projection as it is occurring and to notice how it affects the body. For example,
one man began to study his paranoid thoughts, such as "Everybody's out to get
me" and "Nobody likes me." He noticed that when he was engaging in those
thoughts his head was jutting forward in front of his body. This position would
lead to eyestrain and headaches.
 58

A quick way to dissolve projection, then, is to notice thoughts and body

feelings that indicate one is not taking full responsibility for one's experience of
life. When you have opened up to what is going on beneath the surface of
projection, you can more easily love yourself for however you are feeling. Loving
some part of yourself, even a part of you that is unpleasant, is often the quickest
way to banish projection.

Dissolving projection is a key to clear, truthful, and evolving relationships.

You get the opportunity to see things as they are when you drop projection. The
world is a luminous, shimmering place, and relationships can be an ecstatic dance
when we see through the veil of projection. To evolve, each person must grow
toward being the source of love for themselves and others. Whole persons are
willing to own the full range of feelings and potential within themselves. They
embrace the male and female consciousness that resides within them. The
payoff for being nimble enough to drop projection is that they get to ride the
waves of energy and aliveness that wholeness brings, and their radiance is
apparent to others.

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nine
Solving the Upper-Limits Problem: Learning
to Handle More Positive Energy

 60

Many of the troubles we encounter in life and in relationships come from

running up against upper limits in ourselves and others. A thorough
understanding of the upper-limits problem can prevent many of the most
irritating snags that humans hit.

Here's how it works. In growing up we learn to limit the amount of energy

we feel and express. If your parents are in the midst of an argument when you
come in exhilarated with a freshly caught frog, you may hit a wall when you try to
communicate your enthusiasm to them. Do you remember any of these phrases
from childhood?

"What are you so happy about?"

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

"There's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip."

"You think everything's great now, but you just wait until later in life."

"Be still!"

Slogans like these are often used to warn people of the dangers of getting
too excited, of feeling too good, of getting their hopes up. Many families are
precariously balanced, so that it doesn't take much energy to upset the system.
As children we learn to put upper limits on how good we can feel so that we can
survive and keep the system intact

When we begin as adults to explore ourselves, to experience our feelings

and love ourselves, our inner energy starts to build. The increased energy pushes
against the limits we have previously learned to live within. As we go beyond our
upper limits, we enter a zone we have not occupied before, and fear of the
 61

unknown comes up. At this point we often do something to bring ourselves back
down into the familiar zone again. Illness and accidents are two of the most
popular ways we have of bringing ourselves down when we've exceeded our
limits. For example, one man noticed a pattern in his life that had occurred in
virtually the same way three times. The interesting thing about the pattern was
that the three incidents spanned a period of nearly ten years. When he first broke
away from his family at eighteen, he drove from the South to New York. As he
left he got a crick in his neck, so he was in pain the whole trip. Seven years later
he split up with his wife and drove across the country to California. The night
before he left he injured his neck and shoulders while doing a yoga posture. He
was unable to move his head without pain during the long drive. Several years
after that incident, he left the west coast to drive back east for a new job. Again
he injured himself before the trip, making the drive very uncomfortable. It wasn't
until the third incident that he spotted the pattern. Upon reflection, he figured
out that he had an upper limits problem. Each of the incidents happened when he
was about to do what he wanted to do. When he moved toward greater freedom
he started feeling better than ever, thus violating his upper limit The injuries had
the effect of bringing him back down into a more familiar zone. After all, he
thought, it is not fair for me to feel good if everybody else Isn't happy, too.

In relationships the upper-limits problem is compounded. When two

people move closer to each other, the energy Is multiplied and increased.
Imagine that each of us has a hidden thermostat that sets off an unconscious
alarm if we go past a certain setting. In a relationship the alarms go off even more
easily than when we are alone, due to the increased energy and unpredictability
of two people. When the alarms sound, we often do something to bring the
relationship back down.

Here are some of the more popular ways of bringing a relationship down:

Projection. For example, you are experiencing some anger but are out of
touch with it or do not know how to express it. So you see it in the other person
and say, "You look angry about something today." Because projection is so
pervasive in relationships, a separate chapter discusses this problem in detail.

Starting an Argument. Arguments are probably the most popular way of

dealing with upper limits in relationships. They can happen instantly and can
bring both persons down into the familiar zone very quickly. Many people are not
acquainted with how the upper-limits problem works, so they do not observe
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that arguments are a way of bringing the relationship down after the
unconsciously agreed-upon limits have been exceeded. If you haven't learned to
be aware of the upper-limits problem and how projection works, you may think
the other person started the argument. A power struggle then ensues, bringing
the relationship's positive energy to a halt

Fighting for the Victim Position. As you get closer in a relationship, the
energy builds and flushes out anything that is creating blocks in either person.
Old resentments may bubble up. Regrets and long-stored hurts may come to the
surface. These events, remember, are happening because love is working, not
because of a lack of love. The problem comes when we forget to take
responsibility for the things that are emerging. The moment we start projecting
responsibility onto the other person, a race gets underway to see who gets to be
the victim in the relationship. Hardly anybody likes to be made the bad guy, so
both people have to outdo each other to get to be the victim.

A dialogue between a couple in therapy went like this: (The therapist had
asked the man how he felt right then.)
He: I'm unhappy.

She: [breaking in with a snort] You're unhappy! You've got nothing to be

unhappy about. You've got it made. I'm the one that's unhappy.

He: How come you think I'm so happy?

She: You got your new truck, didn't you? I haven't got anybody to talk to.

He: I need that truck for work. And besides, I don't have anybody to talk to
either.

She: At least you've got a job.

On it goes. Once we have started to maneuver toward the victim position,

either by thinking "poor me" thoughts or engaging in victim behavior, it is all lost
There is no way to win the game because victims do not win. The best we can
hope for is the commiseration of fellow losers.

Going to Sleep. Another popular upper-limits pastime is to go unconscious

and begin to run on automatic programs. Instead of increasing self-awareness
 63

and aliveness by exploring themselves more deeply, many people opt for a state
of comfortable somnolence. They go through life as if sleepwalking, never airing
their minds by changing opinions, never transforming their bodies by challenging
stereotyped ways of moving through space. For example, one couple would go to
sleep when the rising energy between them would bring up old unexpressed
anger. Their body language was revealing. She stood with eyes downcast,
looking like a four-year-old trying to be good. In response to this behavior, he
began yawning and retreating. This pattern escalated into sighs and obvious
tiredness. They would go to different parts of the house to recover. As this couple
explored their patterns, many liberating awarenesses emerged. Her behavior
reminded him of his mother's actions just before she would become irrational
and abusive. His seeming disinterest dialed up her memories of her father's
impenetrable boredom in response to her childhood liveliness. As is often the
case, they had seemingly picked each other to help them work out these ancient
patterns.

Not Experiencing Feelings. One way to avoid confronting upper limits Is to

cut off feeling. You feel angry at someone, for example, and instead of allowing
yourself to feel it deeply you cut yourself off from the experience. Or, in a
relationship you feel sexual feelings for someone other than your partner. Then
you feel guilty and cut yourself off from experiencing the sexual feelings. The
trouble is that the act of cutting off feelings deadens us and takes energy out of
the relationship. Enlightening relationships thrive on the wholeness of each
person, so if one person siphons off energy, both people are cheated.

Not Telling the Truth. One of the most common reasons people hide the
truth is to keep from feeling more positive energy than they can handle. A lie
stops the flow of positive energy in two ways. If you feel angry about something,
for example, and do not share it with your partner, a vapor lock is created in the
relationship. Growth cannot resume until the lock is broken and the flow of
energy begins again. Another kind of lie occurs when we distort something in the
telling of it If we think of the truth as being like a pure tone, the distortion of it
sounds like a discordant note played along beside it We hear the discord, but do
not know quite what to do about it.

In our experience as therapists, we have learned that people are very good
at knowing when other people, and they themselves, are lying. But people are
astonishingly skillful at pretending not to notice. In our desire to keep things
 64

glazed over and looking good, we all conspire to be less perceptive and Intuitive
when it comes to feeling and telling the truth.

Why do we lie? One reason is that we have been punished for telling the
truth. After a few incidents of suffering for telling the truth, the very dullest
person will think, "Hey, if illusions are what they want, I'll give 'em illusions."
Another reason for lying is that we do not want to wade through the fallout that
results from telling the truth. People go through all sorts of emotional acrobatics
when they hear the truth; it takes much courage and commitment to ride out the
display so that a successful resolution will take place.

Many people have told the authors in therapy that they lie to their partners
because the partners would feel bad if they were told the truth. Somehow we
come to feel that it's better to let the relationship disappear in a fog of untruth
than it is to see the hurt or anger on the other's face. Decreased aliveness always
results from untold truth, but this sort of numbness is perhaps easier to handle
than a potential explosion from the partner.

There is no trick to telling the truth. Even if you have a life changing flash
of revelation in which you are commanded by the universe to forever speak the
truth, it still will take practice. There are activities and experiments in the chapter
on communication that many people have found helpful In learning the skill of
telling the truth so it gets heard.

Breaking Agreements. A sure way to slow down the flow of positive energy
in a relationship is for someone to break an agreement. Not keeping agreements
is a very common way to bring down a relationship if the upper limits have been
reached. Here are some examples of unkept agreements, both trivial and
significant, that have tripped up couples:

A man agrees to do a household task on a regular basis, but "forgets" to

do it. His wife has to remind him frequently to do it.

A woman agrees not to see her former lover. Analyzing the semantics,
she realizes she hasn't agreed not to talk to him on the phone. So she calls him
frequently, always feeling guilty afterward, but does not tell her husband about
the calls or the guilt.
 65

A couple has an agreement that they will decide mutually on any social
engagements, but one person continue~ to accept invitations without checking It
out with the other.

With the help of a counselor, a couple agrees to talk about feelings and
their relationship every Thursday evening. Every Thursday something seems to
come up, though, and they never get around to it.

A man likes to go out drinking with his buddies, he agrees to be home or

call by a certain time. He repeatedly fails to do this, with uproar all around.

There seems to be part of the mind that keeps watch on the agreements
we make and whether we keep them or not. Two sure ways to decrease aliveness
in a relationship are to (1) make agreements you don't want to make and (2) fail
to keep the ones you make. Often it is the seemingly trivial agreements that
cause the most trouble. This is because not keeping agreements is a symptom of
deeper conflict in a relationship, and it really doesn't matter whether the broken
agreement is small or large.

Either you keep agreements or you don't. If you don't, then another key
issue arises: whether or not you go back afterward and clean up the broken
agreement. Anyone can study the relationship between one's success in
relationships and whether one keeps agreements scrupulously. You will be
astounded, as the authors have been, at how closely the two are related. When
an agreement is broken, a vital part of oneself is removed from the relationship
and a block is inserted where the person's energy was. All is not lost if an
agreement is broken, however. There is always the option to go back, admit to
the broken agreement, and see what needs to be done to fix it up.

There seem to be three main areas of awareness in regard to agreements.

The first is noticing what agreements you make, both the conscious and
unconscious ones. It is important, for example, to make agreements that you
have your heart in, that are meaningful to you. Many agreements are broken
because the person made them unwillingly in the first place.

A second skill is the actual carrying of the agreement to completion. For

example, if you agree to take out the trash, it also means picking up the papers
you knocked over as you were doing the task. The third skill is how you handle
 66

things if you don't keep the agreement. Most of the problems that result from
broken agreements can be straightened out easily with a few minutes of clear
communication. Unfortunately, many people seem to prefer pretending it never
happened to performing the act of courage necessary to clean it up.

Too, many people have a special emotion that they think exempts them
from the usual laws of the universe. For example, a man had a big problem with
anger. Whenever he felt really angry, he used that emotion as his excuse to break
agreements all over the place. He and his wife had a monogamy agreement, but
when he would get mad at her for something, he would go out for a one-night
sexual encounter with someone else. When his anger subsided he would feel
guilty. He couldn't bring himself to admit to the broken agreements, though, and
the marriage ultimately eroded.

Many people have feelings they think are special:

"When I am angry then I get to steal and cheat."

"When I feel really hurt I don't have to tell the truth."

"When I feel scared I get to overeat"

"When I'm upset it's okay to inconvenience others."

The universe has a harsh way of dealing with us until we get the message:
We have to keep our agreements no matter how we feel.

Body Metaphors. A very popular way of dealing with upper limits is to take
it out on our bodies. It is very common, for example, to get sick or have an
accident just after a period of closeness. When you get close you go slightly out
of control. This is productive, because most things that are fun and creative
involve going out of control. If you are not aware of this process, you may get
afraid and need to be brought back to earth sharply. Then you will bump into
things, slip and fall, cut your finger, or do some other little thing that will reassert
your awareness of body boundaries. Here are several real-life examples:

A man bumped his head on his trunk lid (enough to deliver a concussion)
just as the eagerly awaited birth of his first child was imminent.
 67

A woman had recently begun to nurture herself by setting up a special

meditation room for herself downstairs. She went through a lot of guilt for taking
time to herself, as well as guilt for using the room for such a "frivolous" purpose.
She slipped and fell several times on her way down to the room. Oddly enough,
she had never slipped on those stairs before.

A very useful practice with accidents and illnesses is to notice and explore
your experience just prior to the incident. What were you thinking and feeling
just before you cut your finger? What was going on in your relationship just
before you came down with a cold? Questions like these have rewarded many
people with life-changing insights into their limiting patterns.

The Positive Alternative: Creating New Channels for Positive Energy

Now that we have had a look at some of the ways human beings limit and
stop the flow of positive energy in relationships, let's explore what we might do
instead. The question we need to answer is: How can we rise higher and higher
without bringing ourselves down?

Talk About It

It is important to learn how to communicate freely about the upper limits

problem. In an enlightening relationship, both people must work on the skills of
speaking the truth about what is going on inside them. Here are some examples
of how to communicate about upper limits:

"Last night we got so close that today I feel myself wanting to pull back.
I'm scared of being loved this much."

"I've been having a lot of worry thoughts about your leaving me. Since 1
know intellectually that you aren't, and since I've never felt closer to you, I think I
must be going through some fears of getting close."

"When you give me so much love, sometimes I feel like running away. I
don't feel that I deserve it"

"I think I stubbed my toe yesterday to bring myself down because I was
scared to feel as good as I've felt with you lately."

 68

"I feel like I'm about to start an argument with you. I'm noticing lots of little
things that irritate me. I wonder if it's because I'm hitting my limit of being able to
handle all the love I've been getting from you?"

We found that it took many months of practice in our own relationship to

learn how to communicate clearly as we were going through our upper limits.
There is always an incredibly strong pull to blame and find fault, to take seriously
the grit that is coming up in the mind and body. With practice, though, we found
that it became possible to spot upper limits problems as they were emerging so
we could talk about them and transcend them very quickly. Here is a recent
example of one upper limits incident of ours, recalled by Kathlyn.

I had a disturbing dream that Gay was angry at me. Instead of brooding
about It or trying to forget it, which would have been old patterns of mine, I
described the dream to Gay. He could have not listened, gotten defensive, gotten
mad, or tried to interpret my experience. Instead he listened, then asked me
what part of myself each part of the dream represented. As a result, It became
clear that I was tuning In to a deep level of his old anger at women. My Issue was
feeling small around men's anger. After talking, we felt very close.

Make Room to Grow

A key agreement in an enlightening relationship is that it is all right for

both people to take space and time for themselves. This process allows people to
integrate the positive energy they have received from the other person. There
are times when the only way to deal with what is emerging is to go off on your
own for an hour or a week. If taking space is agreed upon as a necessary and
permissible part of the relationship, it often does not require long periods of time
for the needed integration to occur. Many people, though, have difficulty with
giving themselves and their partners permission to take space. Some of the
specific fears that come up are:

"If I let her or him go, I'm afraid she or he won't love me when he or she
comes back."

"If I take space myself, I'm afraid they won't love me when I get back."

"I'm afraid of letting go of control over you."

"I'm afraid of being alone."

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For people in entanglements, taking space brings up fear of losing. People

in enlightening relationships take space because they are committed to the
growth of the relationship. They realize that for the relationship to be nurtured,
they must take time and space to discharge grit, get established at a new, higher
level of energy, or reaffirm their individual connection to the universe.

It takes courage to care enough about yourself and your relationship to

take time off. In an enlightening relationship, it is essential for both people to be
willing to give space and take it for themselves. With freedom to be separate,
greater closeness can occur.

Touch and Movement

When you go beyond the upper limit of the amount of love and positive
energy you have been used to handling, you expand your boundaries. Imagine
that you have been wearing a tight corset for a long time. Then someone comes
along, unzips you, and invites you to breathe fully and deeply. You would
probably feel great, but you would probably feel strange until you got familiar
with the greater amount of space and freedom you had. Love works like that.
When you receive and give love, your boundaries expand. You then need to
become established and comfortable at the new expanded level. Touch and
movement are two excellent ways of becoming comfortable with bigger
boundaries. If we don't take care to explore the new boundaries consciously, we
will often find ways of doing it unconsciously.

Having your partner give you a massage is a superb way of using touch to
give you a sense of your new boundaries. Massage, of course, has other benefits
(for example, it feels good). Movement, like dancing, running, aerobics, and
walking, are also splendid ways of getting your feet on the ground after an
excursion into the higher reaches of love and positive energy.

Make Positive Agreements with the Universe

Often our fundamental agreements with the universe are made when we
are young and under stress. Later, these agreements limit us. Here are some
examples of limiting agreements that people have had to sort through later:

"Since this is such a crazy world, I'm not going to play."

 70

"If I stop feeling and seeing what's going on around me, maybe I won't
hurt so much."

"If you won't hurt me anymore, I'll agree to be invisible."

After a certain point in evolution, it is necessary to use your body to flesh

out your higher intentions. We can go only so far with our minds, magnificent
though they are. As our intentions become higher we have to learn to ride waves
of positive energy inside ourselves. As positive energy polishes our inner body,
we have to cooperate with it by

Nobody needs to have a relentlessly hard time of it, and deep Inside none
of us really wants to. We think we have to learn by hard knocks because that is
what we have been taught. Let's try it a different way, though, to find out if we
like it better.

Many people have found that they can clear a path for themselves through
the world by changing their basic beliefs. As an experiment, try on the following
intention: I am willing to learn my lessons in ways that are kindly to me and
everyone else.

Another basic agreement you can make with the universe is that you are
willing to learn your lessons in ways that are kindly to yourself and others. Life is
full of lessons. Ifwe think our lessons have to be hard, then that's what we will
tend to get.

Once we escape the powerless state of childhood, it is up to us to strike a

better bargain with the universe. It is possible to be conscious about the
agreements you make, setting the stage for an entirely different life experience
to unfold. One such agreement is that you are willing to establish yourself at
higher and higher levels of positive energy without inconveniencing yourself or
anyone else. This agreement can prevent many arguments and stubbed toes.
Often we set up a sharp encounter with other people or the universe just after
rising to a higher level of positive energy. The purpose of the encounter is to get
us grounded and established at the new level. However, doing it that way creates
wear and tear on ourselves and other people. If you like, you can take total
responsibility for establishing yourself at the higher level with positive
consequences all around. As an experiment, try on the following statement: I'm
willing to establish myself at higher and higher levels of positive energy with
 71

totally positive consequences for me and others. Having a highly evolved

intention like this one can prevent many unpleasant encounters with the world
around you.

finding ways to nurture and support its flow. We have found dance and
other movement activities like aerobics to be essential in letting more energy
through. We have also found ourselves paying a great deal more attention to
diet and nutrition, discovering which foods elevate us and which ones bring
us down. Ultimately, the play of positive energy in the body becomes a
fascinating game of its own, a journey to find how the dance with each other and
with the universe can be made increasingly more vibrant.

It takes courage to open your self to higher levels of positive energy. To do

so is to break through the limits of the past and move into unexplored terrain.
Many people prefer to nap through life, waking occasionally to eat or express an
opinion. If you are reading this book, though, you have already awakened, and
now your tasks are becoming clearer.

You begin by spotting ways you limit your positive energy by projecting,
being a victim, not feeling, telling lies, and breaking agreements. Then you open
up new channels for positive energy by:

Feeling your feelings

Telling the truth

Keeping your agreements

Taking space

Touching and being touched

Moving

Making growthful agreements with the universe

All of these tools allow you to experience a clearer flow of positive energy
between your core and the world around you. Life becomes a process of rising to
higher and higher levels of giving and receiving positive energy.
 72

ten
Specific Problem-Solving Strategies

 73

In this chapter we will explore specific ways of solving problems when they
emerge. These strategies are based on approaches that have worked with both
individuals and couples in the authors' experiences in therapy and workshops
over the last ten years.

The first major problem in solving problems is getting both people

interested in them. Often in relationships, one person is more interested in
solving problems than the other person. So, the first thing to ask ourselves is: Am
I actually interested in the growth of this relationship? When two people in a
relationship can agree that they are committed to solving their problems, some
vibrant possibilities open up.

Formidable hurdles must be leaped to arrive at this commitment. Many

people, remember, are in relationships for reasons other than enlightenment. It
may be more Important, for example, to perpetuate some personality pattern
from the past. For them, It is more important to grind an old axe than it is to have
a growing relationship. Too, many people are interested not in solving problems
but in justifying some already arrived-at decision.

What does it look like when one or both people in a relationship are not
truly committed to growth? There are certain styles or patterns that are common
in these sorts of relationships. Perhaps with an awareness of these styles we can
trade them in for something that works better.

Escalation

It begins with a remark that sounds quite innocent:

"Who was that on the phone?"

"You've sure been working late a lot recently."

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"Did those pants shrink? They seem to be fitting really tight lately."

Partners trade shots with increasing intensity until a shouting match

results. When the energy is spent, either the real issues emerge or, more likely,
they stay submerged. Because these angry escalations resemble a sexual
experience, with rising intensity and a climax, the authors call this the "Wargasm
pattern."

Withdrawal

Under the stress of conflict, some people withdraw into themselves and
take themselves out of contact with other people. This pattern is at the other end
of the spectrum from the Wargasm.

One form of withdrawal is to back away from interactions, perhaps to sulk

and not participate. Another form is to withdraw awareness so that you do not
see a problem. Sometimes a mixture of the two occurs. For example, one man
had the tendency to withdraw into himself when problems arose, and also to
withdraw his awareness so that he did not pay attention to what was going on
around him. His wife began an affair with a man who lived in part of their house.
She even tried to tell her husband several times, but he refused to listen. He
began taking long business trips so that he would not have to deal with what was
happening at home.

For many of us it does not come easy to participate in solving problems. In

painful situations, it often seems easier to retreat inside and withdraw our
sensory apparatus from the world. This pattern, however, only seems to make
matters worse in the long run.

Affront and Apology

A third style that does not seem to lead to enlightening relationships is

that in which problems are resolved through apologies and promises to do
better. There is, of course, nothing wrong with apologies and promises If they are
effective. In the experience of the authors', this style is rarely effective in clearing
up major issues in a relationship. Apologies do not often get to the deeper levels
of what is going on.
 75

To illustrate this style, we offer the example of a man who repeatedly

broke agreements with his wife. Each time there was a furious battle which
would eventually end with a demand for an apology and a promise never to do it
again. It was at best a temporary solution, for the pattern would happen again a
week or two later. Interestingly, he never felt good about apologizing. He did it,
but something about it did not resonate with him. Yet he had no idea why he
kept breaking the agreements. After much work on himself, he discovered that
the pattern went back to the way he interacted with his mother. At about this
time his wife realized what her end of the deal was. She had grown up in a family
in which her father repeatedly broke agreements with her mother, resulting in
furious brawls followed by apologies. The pattern had not worked for her
parents-they divorced in their midfifties -but that did not stop the daughter from
adopting the same pattern for her marriage. The story does not have a
conventionally happy ending. Ultimately, she would not take responsibility for
the problem at the deeper levels. She continued to demand apologies, and he
became Increasingly reluctant to give them once he had caught on to what the
game was about The relationship finally broke up, as is often the case when one
person is willing to own responsibility and the other is not

When affronts occur repeatedly, it is most efficient to ask ourselves: What

am I doing to create these situations? In what way, and for what reasons, am I
setting up my life so these things happen? In other words, if people keep
stepping on my toes, it may be a waste of energy to experience each one as
affront and to demand an apology. It may be smoother to find out why I am
putting my toes so vulnerably in harm's way.

To take responsibility for what happens, to inquire into patterns that do

not seem to be working well, are clear signs that you are ready for enlightening
relationships. It signifies that you are tired of the one-up-one-down style of
problem-solving in which one person has to be wrong and another right. It says
that you are ready for equality. When you regard yourself as equal with all other
beings, themselves equal too, then you are poised on the threshold of real magic.
At this point you should not be surprised when miracles start happening to you
on a regular basis.

The Miraculous Alternative

The key to handling problems in enlightening relationships is to dissolve

them rather than solve them. A problem dissolves when it is experienced deeply
 76

and expressed completely. This process is not easy to master. The reward,
however, is well worth the energy invested.

In order to dissolve problems, all parties must be willing to take 100

percent responsibility for creating the problem. Anything less and you have a
power struggle. In a couple relationship for example, if one person takes
responsibility and the other does not, inequality exists. Enlightening relationships
only occur among equals.

When a problem occurs, the first task is to get all parties to treat it as their
own. If this agreement cannot be attained, keep exploring the situation until all
parties can embrace this fundamental issue. Unfortunately, many relationships
founder at this point

Experiencing the Problem

Now that you have taken responsibility for the problem, how do you
dissolve it? First, by experiencing it as fully as you can. To experience it means to
go beneath the level of thought to see, taste, feel, and touch the problem. For
example, a man who had a problem of lying to his partner tuned in to where he
experienced the problem in his body. He discovered a tight ball in his stomach.
When he breathed in to the spot he suddenly was flooded with tears,
remembering all the times he had been punished for telling the truth as a child.
The problem with his wife was simply an extension of the tight ball of fear he had
carried around most of his life. When he experienced and released the fear, he
had no trouble telling the truth to his wife.

Experiencing a problem means being willing to open up to it, explore it,

dance with it, dream it, sleep it. The willingness to experience it seems to be the
most important shift. We all have our individual ways of experiencing things, so it
is not possible to say how it should be done in every case. By being willing to
experience problems you automatically open up creative ways to do it. Some
questions that are often helpful in experiencing problems are:

"Where do I experience this problem in my body?"

"What does this remind me of from the past?"

"Am I scared? Of what?"

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"Am I angry? About what?"

"Am I sad? About what?"

"What do I need to communicate? To whom?"

"Is there something or someone I am trying to control?"

"Am I seeking approval? From whom?"

"What do I need to love here?"

We have witnessed many seemingly miraculous changes occur when

people have become willing to ask these kinds of questions. Often the biggest
breakthroughs occur when a question is asked when you are feeling completely
stuck. Sometimes, in fact, the act of asking the question dissolves the problem
regardless of what kind of answer you get.

Enlightening Communication

Step One of enlightening problem-solving is determining if all parties are

willing to take full responsibility for the problem. Step Two is experiencing the
problem. Step Three is communicating about the problem in an enlightening
way. To do this we have to learn a new language, one that reaches beneath
blame and judgment to tell the truth of our experience.

There is one type of communication that comes from the layer of ourselves
that is defensive, blaming, and judgmental. Another type comes from the deeper
level of us. Here are contrasting examples of what the two levels sound like:

BLAME LEVEL TRUTH LEVEL

"You are a bastard." "I am hurt"

"You don't love me." "I am feeling unlovable."

"You're gonna leave me; I just "I've got a knot in my stomach,

know it" just like the one I had when Dad left
Mom."
 78

"You don't care about me." "You were fifteen minutes late

coming home."

Sometimes the blame level contains a germ of truth. However, the full
reality does not emerge until the truth level is reached.

Learning to know the truth about ourselves and communicate clearly are
among the trickiest things to master in life. There are no courses in school that
teach these skills; often, too, we get punished for knowing and speaking the
truth. So we need to give ourselves permission to be beginners in developing
these skills.

Two Examples

Here are two examples of solving problems in the way we have described.
The first comes from an experience of one of the authors (KH).
I broke a crystal wineglass in the kitchen one day. Since I had broken something
else earlier in the day, I asked myself if there was some significance to those accidents
that I was overlooking. Very quickly I realized the crystal was a remnant from a past
relationship. The next day Gay stepped on a piece of crystal and cut his foot badly. Even
though I had vacuumed the floor carefully, I had missed this piece. I asked myself if his
accident involved me. I felt sadness that Gay had cut himself. When that cleared I felt
some anger down in my belly. I spent sometime with that, getting willing to complete
any anger from that past relationship without letting It spill over onto Gay. I also got rid
of the rest of the crystal, lovely though it was, so I would not continue the pattern of
breaking a glass or two a year.

The next example illustrates how far we sometimes have to take problems
before we turn to face them.

A former client moved away to another state. She called two weeks later
to say she felt awful, had not been sleeping, and felt numb. As we talked I (KH)
encouraged her to take a few deep breaths and experience what she was feeling
in her body. Immediately she got in touch with what was going on. She was
feeling pain about her former boyfriend, but had tried to pretend that it didn't
bother her. She said she suspected that she had left town rather than look at the
pain in the relationship. Although she was a thousand miles away from him, the
pain had caught up with her. I encouraged her to feel the pain and to love it as
much as she could. After a bit she said it was still there, but that there was "air
 79

around it." She called a few days later to say that she felt better and was ready to
face forward toward her new life. She has since found challenging work and
begun some new relationships.

Someone once compared enlightening problem-solving to fluffing a pillow.

Instead of blaming the lumps, you simply fluff them. Fluffing means feeling a
problem, talking about it at deeper and deeper levels, exploring it non-
judgmentally until it dissolves. There is no single solution to fluffing a pillow or a
problem. You just keep fluffing until something more comfortable emerges. In
enlightening relationships, problems are not solved but dissolved, surrounding
them with more and more light until they become de-light

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eleven
Sex and Money in Enlightening Relationships
 81

Sex and money are two fundamental areas in which relationships often
founder. Yet troubles in these two areas can provide the fuel for many
enlightening moments. Sex and money are so complicated that a separate book
could be written about how to handle these two areas In enlightening
relationships. At the same time, the problems and their solutions are quite simple
when viewed in the correct way. In this chapter we will discuss a few of the major
issues and describe what we, the authors, have found to be workable and
enlightening solutions.

SEX

To begin, here is a catalogue of some of the troubles with sex that people
have discussed in therapy and in the authors' workshops:

1. I want sex more often than my partner does.

2. I want sex less often than my partner does.

3. Often I just want to be held and not make love.

4. I use sex to meet other needs [for example, to exert power or control].

5. I withhold sex to punish my partner.

6. I have trouble talking about sex (for example, it's hard to ask for what I
want).

7. I can't seem to have love and sex at the same time.

8. My partner doesn't consider my pleasure, only his or hers.

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9. I feel guilty about sexual pleasure.

10. I'm afraid to feel my sexual feelings intensely.

At the root of our sexual issues are two fears: the fear of opening up to
sexuality and the fear of expressing it, which includes talking about it We can
readily see where these fears come from. In growing up, few of us receive much
information on our awakening sexuality. One woman remembers that the
entirety of sex information she received from her family came on her wedding
day in 1960. Her very religious mother reeled into the room, grabbed her by the
shoulders, and screamed, "Don't forget, withdrawal is a mortal sin." That was it
She didn't even know what withdrawal was. Sometimes, there is even less said
about sex. In addition, our sexual feelings themselves are often confusing to us.
One day we are striding along through childhood, when a switch is suddenly
flipped and we become sexual. No matter whether these feelings come on gently
or like a torrent, they are still the subject of much confusion to us. We fear
opening up to these mysterious feelings. Where will they take us? Will we get
into trouble there?

The fear of expressing our sexuality is complicated also. If we aren't smart

about expressing our sexuality, all sorts of troubles can ensue, from simple
emotional turmoil to accidental pregnancy. In addition, children are sometimes
punished for even mentioning the subject of sex. One of the authors (GH) recalls
growing up in the mid-1950s in a family where sex was a taboo subject. He
brought the subject up only two times, and it created such an uproar with his
mother (anger, fits of sobbing, sullen withdrawal) that he quickly learned not to
introduce that subject again. It wasn't until much later in life that he became
comfortable with talking about sex.

Problems like these are very common. In the Western world, where
everything from blue jeans to bifocals are sold with sex, it is extremely difficult to
know how we actually feel about our sexuality. Too, we are only eighty years or
so away from a time when a heady rush could be induced by the glimpse of a
naked ankle. It is no wonder we have our troubles with exploring and talking
about our sexuality.

To clear up sexual problems and make the most of the gift of sexuality, it is
useful to express the following intention: I'm willing to be open to my full
sexuality and to express it in ways that support my evolution totally. At the core
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of us is a deep knowledge that our sexuality is just fine. All we have to learn to do
is express it clearly, in ways that yield positive consequences for us and others.

The two finest aphrodisiacs the authors have discovered are emotional
honesty and clear communication. Knowing how you feel and what you want,
and being willing to say these things clearly to people you care about, can be the
launch pad for many high sexual experiences. Emotional honesty lines you up
with your own core feelings, and clear communication puts you straight with the
world around you. Here are some examples of emotional honesty and clear
communication that have turned people on In enlightening relationships. Some
of these may sound trivial, but they are not. In the case of the first one, for
example, the person had withheld it for years although she had felt it. When it
was expressed, she felt turned on and she got what she wanted.

"I would like you to touch and hold me more before we make love."

"I feel sexual feelings for other people sometimes."

"I want you to touch my clitoris very gently."

"I would like you to be on top of me more often."

"Touch me here just as I come."

"I want you just to hold me for a while."

"I love it when you whisper to me while we are making love."

It is not an easy thing to be honest with ourselves about our deepest

feelings and to express them to each other. Both acts are like a miracle pill you
have to swallow on faith. Perhaps all of us are afraid that if we are honest
everything will fall apart. Sometimes it does. And yet, in our experience In
working with thousands of people over the last decade, we have not seen a single
incident where honesty and clear communication did not ultimately bring about
healing and greater happiness to those concerned.

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High Fidelity

What of sexual feelings for others outside your primary relationship? What
of fidelity, infidelity, jealousy? These are highly charged issues, not easily solved
by conventional thinking. However, when we look at them in a fresh way they
really are not so complicated.

It is natural to experience sexual feelings for people other than your

primary partner. So we have to make sure we give ourselves permission to
experience these feelings. If sexual feelings are resisted or denied, they can
become a very big deal. Often, if we simply go ahead and let ourselves feel sexy
toward other people, the feeling doesn't last very long.

If you are going to act on those feelings and have outside sexual
experiences, be prepared to step into a three-ring circus. If you do not
communicate to your partner what you are doing, a deep vibration is set up in the
relationship that will have to emerge and be resolved at some time. If you choose
to tell the truth of what you are doing, the activity in the circus can get intense
very quickly. Few of us handle the naked truth without strong reaction. After
seeing people do it both ways (lie versus tell the truth) a few hundred times, we
have come to feel even more strongly that telling the truth works better. Lying is
definitely no fun, and even if you are lying to protect someone (you, your partner,
the children, the relationship), lying almost always ends up hurting them more.

If the flow of clear communication is kept alive In a relationship by sharing

even such feelings as sexual attraction to other people, the relationship can grow
very quickly. This is because the increased energy from the sexual feelings is
being kept within the relationship. If suppression or denial occurs, energy is taken
out of the relationship; the result is flatness and distortion.

We have discovered in our own relationship that when we are honest with
ourselves and communicate clearly, we want to be sexual only with each other.
Sexual feelings for other people may come up from time to time, but they are not
a big deal. We have found the same phenomenon with a number of other people
with whom we have worked. When the intentions are clear and the channels of
positive energy and communication are open, fidelity naturally occurs. This is
what we mean by the term "High Fidelity."
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Much of what passes for fidelity between partners is based on fear of

denial. I'm afraid of getting caught, so I don't mess around. Or I suppress my
sexual Interest in other people and pretend that it doesn't exist.

High Fidelity is not based on fear or denial. It is based on clear Intentions

and open communication; it thrives on the aphrodisiacal qualities of knowing and
telling the truth.

MONEY

As with sex, money issues often trip up people who have the highest
Intentions in relationship. There are two main problems to watch out for In
regard to money. The first is that money is often a symbol of underlying
Inequality and power struggles in the relationship. The second is that money and
material things can be used as a substitute for love and/or clear communication.

When there are undercurrents of power struggle and Inequality going on in

a relationship, they are almost inevitably expressed through the symbol of
money struggles. Money Is tangible, and most people hold the belief that there is
not enough of it to go around. So It is a perfect screen on which to project any
deeper issues in the relationship. The reality of how much money is available
does not seem to be a major factor in many money struggles. For example, in one
relationship where the reality is that they are in the millionaire bracket, the
woman still has to ask her husband for weekly grocery money and the request
frequently triggers an argument. Here the issue clearly is not about money but
about keeping the woman in a powerless and subservient position. When money
struggles are in the air, then, we first need to ask ourselves questions like:

Is someone trying to exert control through money?

Is anyone being made to feel powerless through the control of money?

Do we feel equal in regard to money?

Resolving money struggles is particularly tricky when there is in fact an

unequal status in the relationship. For example, one couple has been married
nearly forty years, but since the woman has never worked, she has never
overcome the feeling that she is always spending HIS money.
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Therefore, even though they have plenty of money, she finds it very
difficult to spend any on herself. Since society contains at present many such
inequalities, there are going to have to be many courageous assertions and
negotiations among men and women before the problem is straightened out.

Another common problem in relationships is that money and material

objects can become substitutes for love, commitment, and clear communication.
Naturally, advertising and marketing have a strong vested interest in having us
buy jewelry and perfume to express love and commitment, to purchase roses to
buy forgiveness, to buy a sheer nightgown to make up for an argument, and so
on. In therapy, we have worked with couples who had spent hundreds of
thousands of dollars on diamonds and material things in an attempt to "save" or
revive the relationship. These material things were attempts to bury some
deeper distortion or problem that had occurred in the relationship. There is, of
course, nothing wrong with material objects, but when they are substitutes for
something that needs to be clearly said, the problem will still be there when the
excitement of the bauble has worn off. We want to avoid the trap symbolized by
the woman who said, "I can always tell when my husband ends one of his affairs
because he buys me a piece of jewelry."

Money and sex are sensitive areas that can be of concern to those in
enlightening relationships. We have discussed some of the most common issues;
there are thousands of permutations of the main issues that are specific to each
relationship. For those people who are courageous enough to set clear intentions
and communicate what is in their hearts with integrity, even these troublesome
areas can bring enlightenment.
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twelve
Experiments in Enlightening
Relationships

 88

This chapter contains movement experiments and communication

activities that illustrate the major principles and issues discussed in this book. In
order to enlighten a relationship, it is essential to experience the concepts as well
as to understand them intellectually.

Each activity has an introduction that explains its purpose. The Instructions
are designed to be read and followed directly from the book. Choose a
comfortable time and place to explore these activities. You can choose between
long experiments or short, those that are playful or those that are more deeply
revealing. Feel free to expand and adapt these structures to your relationship and
your needs. We have had a great deal of enlightening fun with these activities
and hope you will too.

PARTNER STRETCHING

In this activity you can support your partner's expansion and growth. You
can also learn new ways to directly support each other.

Directions

Face each other and stand with your legs about hip-width apart. Hold your
partner's wrists firmly with your hands in the same way that trapeze artists do.
Begin very gently and slowly to lean back from each other and feel where that
stretches you. Then come back to supporting your \ own weight. Lean away
again in a different direction, keeping your ) knees soft. Then come back to
center. " .1

Now experiment for several minutes using each other's weight to

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stretch your own body. You can turn your body and stand more on one leg
to reach different areas, such as your sides. Then return to standing supporting
your own weight, gently release wrists, and shake out your body.

BEING CLOSE-GETTING SEPARATE

One of the major dynamic issues in relationships is how comfortable we

are with the cycle of getting close to another person and seeking individual
space. This activity will give you a framework in which to explore body cues and
nonverbal communication with your partner that may show you your preferences
and your blind spots in the space dance of relationship. This activity explores the
fundamental pulsation in relationships -getting close and getting separate. If you
have time to do only one activity in this section, we recommend that this be the
one. You can do this experiment in pairs or in larger groups. You will have more
movement possibilities in an open space.

Directions

Begin by paying close attention to yourself as you move about the room.
Each of you should keep moving as fast or slowly as you wish, noticing that your
preference may change. Let yourself move as close to your partner as you wish,
then begin moving away as far as you want to before you start coming close
again. Continue this spacial yo-yo for a few minutes. Observe how you see your
partner, any internal tugs or pressures as you move closer or further away, and
your connection with yourself.

Now take a few minutes to share your experience with your partner. Stick
to "I" statements; for example, "I felt a tightening in my chest when you turned
away." Let each of you have time to speak and to listen. Give yourself permission
to be surprised.

The next part of this activity has a mover and a responder. Decide who will
take which part first. Now, responder, you are going to stand in one spot and use
your hands to signal the mover. Mover, you are going to resume moving closer to
and further away from the responder. When the mover is as close as you want,
responder, raise your hands, and at that signal, mover, you will start walking
further away. When the mover is as far away as you wish at that moment,
responder, raise your hands again to signal the mover to come closer again.
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The mover will keep moving without pausing. Start very slowly so you will
have an opportunity to sense all the levels of response in yourself. After a few
minutes, mover, experiment with different speeds, levels in space, and directions
that you move.

Take five or ten minutes for this part. At the end of this time exchange
roles and begin again very slowly. Recognize that each pulsation of closer and
further away may be different.

When each of you has experimented with both roles, take some time to
talk about your experience and your discoveries. You may have uncovered some
patterns you had not noticed before. You may have a request for your partner or
something you realize you need to explore further. Risk taking the attitude that
this activity was an unopened treasure chest full of jewels that will enhance your
relating. Note down any agreements you make. Then take a moment to
nonverbally acknowledge your partner.

POWER POLARITIES

Power struggles have to have opposites. If there is a winner, there must be

a loser. In relationships that are based on the win-lose belief, scarcity is the force
that drives us to outmaneuver our partner. There is only so much space, love, or
freedom, and we need to get ours! This activity will give you the opportunity to
take a reading of your current investment in power struggles with your partner.
The structures are very simple, so experiment with any variations that occur to
you.

Directions

Begin by facing each other, and move in the following way: when one of
you comes forward, the other must back up. Conversely, if one of you retreats,
the other must move forward. Keep moving without stopping for a few minutes.

Now change the structure to the vertical dimension. If one of you is high in
space, the other must go low to the same degree. If you lie on the floor, for
example, your partner should stretch up to the ceiling.

As in the last part, keep moving for a few minutes.

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This polarity is about how much psychic space you allow yourself and your
partner. If one of you is feeling GREAT, does the other become depressed or try
to depress the first one? If one of you feels low energy, does that pull on the
other or create a sense of guilt in either of you? The previous experiments gave
you some information about how attached you are to your partner moving about
in the world. Spend a few minutes now talking about anything you discovered.

Now we will extend these activities a little by playing follow-the leader.

One of you be in charge first, and play with leading your partner around the room
with different contact points: hold their hand, push their shoulders, drape an arm
around their shoulders, grip an elbow, hold an ear. Create as many contact spots
as you can imagine. Follower, at first be very cooperative. Just go anywhere they
lead you as fast or slow as they wish. After a few minutes let yourself get in touch
with the part of you that DOESN'T WANT TO GO. Start resisting with the
intention of discovering how you react to pressure. Just a minute or so of this part
seems sufficient. Don't be surprised if you feel tired; resistance takes lots of
energy.

Now switch roles; follower become leader. Begin by experimenting with

many points of contact and lots of cooperation. Allow this time to be different, to
develop in its own direction. After a few minutes, follower, it is your turn to resist.
Open up to explore your style of not wanting to go. Some people go rigid, others
collapse, some squirm and wiggle away, others go on the offensive. What is your
individual style?

When we become aware of our internal preferences we can recognize

them before they start taking over in patterns that become power struggles.
Take time to share your experiences in these activities.

EXPLORING INTENTIONS

Intentions are like the foundation for a building. They determine what can
be built, how high it can go, and how strong the structure of your relationships
can be. Whatever we communicate to our partner reflects our intention. Our
ability to solve problems is especially sensitive to underlying intentions. This
activity can be used to explore different intentions and their impact on the
quality of your relating. You may decide to focus on one of the following
intentions or explore the whole series.
 92

Directions

Face your partner, either sitting or standing, and choose a leader. Follower,
you are going to move exactly as the leader does, as if you were looking in a
mirror. Leader, begin moving slowly to allow the follower time to match your
unique style. When you feel yourselves moving together, the leader will begin to
explore different intentions. You won't need to do anything differently; just
actively think the intention as you move. Exchange roles after each intention, so
you will remain parallel in your exploration.

Start with the Intention to do It perfectly. Intend to mirror your partner

with no mistakes, to do it just right. Continue with this Intention for a few
minutes, noticing how you feel in your body and how you experience your
partner.

Mirror now with the Intention of getting your partner's approval. Let your
movement flow out of the Intention to get a seal of approval that only your
partner can supply.

Let your Intention shift to being right, knowing better. See if your
intention results in any subtly critical or disapproving behavior. Invite any
patterns Into awareness.

Let the Intention to be fully present flood your body as you move. Intend
to be here with all of you.

Both of you move with the Intention of being with your partner. Loosen
any holding onto doing exactly the same movement and let your intention shape
your movement.

Verbally explore the effect of your different intentions on what you

experienced.

OK-NOT OK

In this activity you will get a chance to clean out the closet. The debris
consists of old roles and behaviors that may be spilling out into your relationship.
This activity can also increase your listening and observing potential.
 93

Directions

Take turns letting your whole body try on messages you received as a child
about what behavior was OK. Some familiar messages are: stand up straight;
keep your belly in; be still; look pleasant; stand tall; be graceful; etc. Repeat those
familiar messages to yourself and see how your body carries them. Partner,
watch and help your partner notice if those messages, that way of moving the
body, is familiar. You may be behaving as if those instructions still have power
and may have forgotten that you have choice about your relationship to your
body. When you have both tried on several OK messages and gotten a chance to
notice whether you are choosing them or doing them automatically, shake your
arms and legs for a moment.

Then take turns sharing the ways your body carries not-OK messages.
Some familiar not-OK messages are: don't slouch; take that sulking to your
room; that's not ladylike; don't sprawl all over the place; don't be a sissy; etc.
Explore your past for messages about behaviors that were not OK, and try on the
forbidden action. How does that feel to your body? What does your partner
notice when you let your body move in ways you learned were not all right? Take
turns, and be sure to observe with love.

After exchanging body positions, you may decide that some behaviors are
archaic and best changed or dropped. Talk to your partner about ways you can
support each other in renewing your relationship with your body and staying in
touch with your changing needs.

ENLIVENING

Nothing seems to deaden the joyful spark in relationship faster than

repetition. The choice to settle for security and sameness often leads to
boredom. Enlivening at all levels comes from variety, doing it differently.
Experiment with this activity with the intention of changing your perspective,
opening yourself to other possibilities.

Directions

Put on some music you enjoy. One partner will move any way he or she
likes, on the floor stretching, sitting or standing, swinging, rolling, or just
shuffling around. The other partner's task is to notice when the mover begins
repeating, either in the quality of the movement or the pattern. When the noticer
 94

observes repetition, interrupt the mover. Try both verbal and nonverbal
methods. Explore lots of ways of interrupting him or her, including changing your
own attitudes as you observe. After several minutes switch roles. When you have
both experienced moving and enlivening, share your responses to the
experiment. Allow for frustration and annoyance, as well as for excitement,
because we can be cranky when someone awakens us from a nap.

As a variation to this activity, you may experiment with some routine you
have in your relationship and change some aspect of it. For example, if you
always sleep on the same side of the bed, change sides. If you always drive the
car, let your partner. If dinner is always at 6:00 pm sharp, try a different schedule.
Looking for ways to open new pathways in our relationships supports growth and
generates sparks.

PAIRED WALKING

We have used this simple activity a great deal to help partners get in touch
with and share their preferred rhythms, their relationship to time and everything
that follow time: decision-making, recreation and vacation choices, daily cycles
of rest and activity, etc. Give yourself permission to move with your partner as if
you had just met. It is especially fun to do paired walking outside.

Directions

One of you begin walking in your most familiar style. Do not try to have
perfect posture or adjust for your partner; just walk along, changing direction as
you desire. Partner, you are going to follow behind. Take as much time as you
need to match your partner's walk exactly. Notice how they hold their head, how
they swing their arms, in what direction they swivel their hips and place their
feet. Let your body take on the whole body-sense of their walk. Continue for
several minutes, and then exchange roles.

Once you have exchanged roles, you might try several variations:

Walk beside your partner, and try to match his or her walk without
turning your head to notice.

Leader, try changing your speed after your partner Is matching you.
 95

Once the follower has matched your walk, leader, move aside and let him
or her continue walking as you do. What do you notice?

When your walking matches, leader, try thinking about something that is
troubling you without telling your partner. Notice if your partner comments on
any changes In your walk. Try on different feelings, such as irritation, sadness,
and excitement, and see If your partner notices any alteration or any change in
his or her feelings.

MOVEMENT CONVERSATIONS

This activity can help you notice how comfortable you are with the male
and female aspects of yourself. As you exchange movement statements with
your partner, you may begin to enjoy altering and expanding your expression.

Directions

Begin sitting facing your partner. When you start this activity, take turns
"speaking" with your gestures while your partner watches. Later on you may find
your conversation overlapping.

Start by letting just your hands and arms speak for you. Take turns letting
your hands be:

shy

silly

Irritated

excited

depressed

strong and forceful

seductive

just the way you feel right now

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Now let your hands rest while you take turns making faces at each other.
Pull from your memory of being a kid, and try on the most outrageous faces you
can. Add sounds.

Stand up now, and let as much of your whole body as you wish participate
in movement and gesture exchanges that are:

huge, giant-sized

teeny-tiny

only sharp angles and straight lines

curved lines In space

like moving underwater

like feathers floating on the breeze

zinging and flashing

Now exchange movements that express your ideas of masculinity and

femininity. Feel free to exaggerate your gestures, to surprise yourself. Save time
when you finish to talk over your experiences.

BELLY DANCE

This activity explores the question: Can I be all of me and still be fully in
touch with my partner? Use some lively music that you enjoy as background to
this activity.

Directions

Stand belly to belly with your partner, arms outstretched, legs well
balanced under you. Each of you move with the intention of taking up your full
space, being as big as you are. Let your out-breath flow through your partner out
into the universe. Play with touching the whole world through your partner.
 97

Continue for several minutes, then draw apart from each other and bounce up
and down for a minute or so to ground yourself at this new energy level.

MOLDING

This activity is a variation of the statues game you may have played as
children. It will give you a chance to explore attitudes about role behavior that we
usually take for granted. Let yourself question the source of your attitudes and
your assumptions.

Directions

Take turns molding each other's bodies as if they were clay you are
shaping. Form your partner's body into your ideal male or female. Remember as
your ideas change that clay can be remolded easily. After your partner is molded,
have him or her begin to walk and make any additional suggestions to help him
or her fit that mold. Give feedback about how you feel standing and moving in
that role.

TAMING THE UPPER-LIMITS DRAGON

When we understand that the only problem we really have in relationship

is the upper-limits problem, getting more love than we know how to handle, we
can ride the upper-limits dragon more easily. We can begin to notice our unique
thoughts and behavior that signal an upper limits issue. This activity can assist
you in developing the skill to stay conscious longer before an old pattern takes
over. Eventually, upper limits issues can be noticed, acknowledged, and resolved
quickly and with love. You can practice this skill with a partner or alone at any
time in any setting.

Directions

Review in your mind the most recent positive experience you had in your
relationship. As you review let one part of your mind notice any fleeting negative
thoughts. They may be disguised as worry thoughts, such as something going
wrong (rain, car breaking down), something going to happen before we get there
(where your mind leaves the present moment), someone going to get hurt (the
plane is going to crash), etc. By reviewing positive experiences you can become
aware of your most common upper limits thoughts and images.
 98

It is important to remember that these mental images occur before an

actual obstacle appears, such as stubbing your toe, having an argument out of
the blue, missing an appointment. So another kind of review is to remember the
last accident or illness you experienced and recall what was going on in your life
and relationship just before the obstacle appeared. The chapter on upper limits
gives many examples of this phenomenon.

With these reviews fresh in your mind, you can practice taking a thought or
image and asking yourself, "How am I experiencing this in my body?" Pause after
asking this question and notice any changes in your breath, pains or pressures
anywhere in your body, strange sensations, tightness. Take the most noticeable
body phenomenon and breathe into it (even if it is in your big toe). Do not
analyze or ask what to do about it, just be there. After a bit you will probably
notice that the experience shifts in some way, and you may get a sudden idea of
what this is about in your life. When your experience shifts, take a few deep
breaths and stretch your body, especially your neck and torso. You can repeat
this sequence as often as you wish, going back to thoughts, tracing them to their
experience in your body, loving them, watching them dissolve.

POSITIONS

Fear of letting go is one of the big problems we face in life and in our
relationships. Loss of control, fear of catastrophe, lead us to protect ourselves
from the unknown by taking positions about life. Here are some common
positions we have heard:

"I have to do it right."

"I don't have time."

"I have to keep it together."

"I'll show you."

"It's not fair."

Positions cause difficulty because they are red lights; we perceive them as
a danger signal and shut down, decrease our aliveness. Each mental position we
 99

take has a direct physical correlate. We sculpt our bodies and our possibilities by
the attitudes we adopt. This experiment is designed to explore positions and
their effect on our interactions and \ perceptions. Another aspect of this
experiment is to experience directly ) the vitality and connection to life that
blossom when we dissolve old 'I attitudes about life. J

Directions

Brainstorm with your partner for a few minutes and write down familiar
thoughts and expressions, phrases you each find yourselves repeating internally
or out loud. From that list choose a phrase to try on with your whole body. One
partner repeat your phrase out loud several times while gesturing
simultaneously. The other partner will encourage you to exaggerate your tone of
voice and your movements. It is like opera; you will play to the back row with
larger-than-life mannerisms. When you both feel and see that the voice and
gestures match in intensity, hold that position for a minute or so. Feel its effects
on your sense of yourself, the way you experience your partner, what you see
around you. Notice your breath and the particular tension of this position. After a
minute or two, both of you begin to actively love that position about life. Breathe
Into it, make space around it, love whatever created the need for that position.
Allow your love to dissolve the position in whatever way feels best, be it abrupt or
melting. Then switch roles and let the reflector take a position to explore.

As a variation, the reflector can mirror the partner taking the position. As
you try on your partner's position with your own body, you can experience his or
her attitudes more deeply. You can also add to the innovative possibilities in the
dissolving phase.

SETTING INTENTIONS

This communication activity uses the intentions listed in Chapter Six In a

structure that allows you to explore your communication style with each other.

Directions

Stand facing each other, with the speaker holding the book open to the list
of intentions. Let one of you go through all seven intentions before you switch
roles. Speaker, say each intention out loud to your partner, then pause for ten to
fifteen seconds afterward to notice any thoughts, feelings, or images that arise in
your mind. Listener, you have two major tasks. First, listen with your whole body
 100

as your partner says an intention. Do you have any internal responses to that
intention? If so, notice and acknowledge them. Second, notice how the speaker
delivers the communication. Is his or her body aligned, or does some body part
list or slump? Listen to the tone of voice; watch for mannerisms or gestures that
detract from the direct communication of the intention. Give the speaker
feedback about what you notice.

Repeat each intention until the listener feels, "Yes, I got it, that's clear. I
hear you." Let your overall intention in this activity be to communicate directly
and truthfully. When one partner has completed the list, switch roles.

LIST OF INTENTIONS
I am willing to be totally independent and totally close.

I am willing to have my relationships be a force that takes me to full enlightenment

I am willing to clear up anything in the way of my full enlightenment and ability to be

close.

I am willing to have other people be fully empowered in my presence.

I am willing to transform myself in whatever ways are necessary to serve my highest

evolution and have the highest quality relationships with others.

I am willing to take space as often as necessary to nurture myself and the relationship.

I am willing to have our relationship be about giving and receiving maximum positive
energy.

INCREASING LOVE

One of our biggest issues as humans is acknowledging our innate

lovableness. Each of us has pockets of experience and feeling that we just know
are not lovable. Our relationships are hampered by this fundamental illusion, as
we try to hide our unlovable places, improve them, or make up for them. The
purpose of this communication activity is to discover that all of you is totally
lovable.

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Directions

Sit cross-legged facing each other (or sit in chairs), and hold hands lightly.
Continue looking at each other as you repeat this phrase silently, "You are totally
lovable." Pause after each repetition for several seconds, and notice any internal
response.

Now take turns repeating this phrase out loud, again pausing between
repetitions. Then take time to share memories or issues that may have arisen.
You can add another round of exchange here in which you say, "I am totally
lovable," until you feel the truth of that phrase deeply.

Now each of you identify a place in your body that feels unlovable. One at
a time, tell your partner where you feel unlovable, and let them actively love that
part of you until you feel directly in touch with its lovableness. The partner who is
loving can let love stream from his or her eyes and hands and do whatever seems
necessary to communicate the other partner's total lovableness. You can repeat
this phrase with other parts of you until you feel filled with love.

You might find you have lots of energy following this activity, and you
might want to find a new way to share that love with each other.

FEEDBACK

Communication has many levels. To enrich your relationship, this activity

expands the routes that we generally travel in our interactions. It is designed to
increase your awareness of the subtle cues to which you respond. When we
unconsciously respond to nonverbal signals, mixed messages, and crossed
communication can begin to impede the flow of relating.

Directions

Take turns completing the following two sentences, giving your partner a
chance to respond.

1. "I notice [a body gesture or expression], and I wonder what that means."
Example: I notice that you stopped breathing just then, and I wonder what that
means.

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2. "I notice [a body gesture or expression], and I am afraid that it means ---"
Example: I notice that your forehead is furrowed, and I am afraid it means you are
angry at me.

Take time to clear up any ambiguity, to talk about what you meant to
communicate, and to acknowledge any intentions you or your partner developed
from this activity.

EXPRESSION CYCLES

This communication activity is designed to help you learn how you know
what you want and how to express your desires clearly. We often hear, especially
from women, "I don't KNOW what I want! I've never thought about it!" Learning
that we are equals involves opening up to our deepest needs and Wishes,
noticing and dissolving whatever blocks their expression.

Directions

Part 1: Take turns completing the phrase, "Right now I feel __________.
Before you say the phrase, take several deep breaths, stretch your body, and
notice the tinglings, pressures, and other internal sensations. Take turns
repeating this phrase several times, then use movement or a gesture to complete
the sentence for several more repetitions.

Part 2: Stand facing your partner. One person will be the speaker and the
other will be the listener. Speaker, repeat the phrase, "I want," as many times as
you need to until you feel the phrase in your body. Listener, give your partner
feedback about the tone of their voice, whether they keep eye contact, how they
hold their body as they speak. Also notice your own experience. Then exchange
roles.

Part 3: Take turns completing the phrase, "Right now I feel ____________ ,
and I want _________________." For example, "Right now I feel irritable, and I
want to take a walk." Or, "Right now I feel excited, and I want to be close to you."

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COMPLETING FEELING CYCLES

This communication activity is about expanding your perception of the way

energy moves in the body. It is structured to allow you and your partner to
experience deep and complete feeling cycles. You may want to take two separate
times to complete this activity, as it is longer and more intense than other
experiments in this chapter.

Directions

One of you, the feeler, will lie down in a warm, comfortable place. Your
partner, the toucher, will sit facing you at your side.

Toucher, place one hand gently on your partner's throat. Let your other
hand skim over his or her torso until you click into the "anger spot." Then let your
hand come to rest on that place.

Feeler, let that anger center begin to speak inside you. Let those feelings
come up and begin to form in your mind. Then let the feelings turn into words; let
yourself say, "I'm angry." Toucher, catch the pulsation of anger and feel it in your
own body. Breathe into those feelings, and love yourself and love your partner
for every ounce of anger he or she feels. When the anger subsides, toucher, tell
your partner, "I love you for everything."

Now, toucher, allow the hand that was on the anger center to begin a float
above your partner's torso again until you find the fear spot. Let your touch invite
your partner's deepest fear right up to the top. See if you can also let that fear
through your own body. Feeler, allow the fear to rise in your body until the words
form, "I'm afraid." Toucher, catch each wave of fear and give it back to your
partner with love. After the fear feels complete, toucher, focus on loving your
partner deeply, loving your way through the fear until the connection between
your hands feels clear.

Now, toucher, move the hand that was over the fear center around until
you find and touch the place that says, "I'm glad to be alive," the place that
shouts out the most liveliness and joy. Toucher, it is your job to let your partner
know that there Is no limit to positive feelings. Let your touch take the lid off.
Feeler, find a phrase that best expresses your relationship to life and let that
resonate in your being. Begin to ride that feeling up into words. Toucher, love
that connection with life your partner has inside, and when the communication
 104

subsides, love your partner for BEING. Love him or her not for what he or she is
going to do, but just for being him or herself.

Toucher, now place one hand on your partner's forehead and one on the
pelvis. Imagine that a long, slender balloon that is filled with love runs up the core
of his or her body. Let love gently ripple up and down the body between your
hands.

Then gently separate hand contact, and take whatever time and touch you
need to complete this communication. Make eye contact, hug, be with, talk.

UNDERTONES

This communication activity is about secrets we do not suspect we have.

The exercise focuses on the quality of voice in conversation and the subtle
shadings that flesh out the words we use. In relationship it is not so much what
we say as how we say it. In this activity you will have a chance to explore these
nuances.

Directions

Using a cassette deck to record your conversation, tell your partner

something about your relationship you had previously withheld. Each of you take
a turn. Then replay the entire conversation, listening for the undertones in your
voices as you spoke. See if you can discern your Intentions and your motivations
In the tone of your conversation. Did you say what you really meant to say? Do
you hear any unexpressed emotion? Were you justifying or blaming? Let your
partner give you feedback about the things he or she heard as you spoke.

Then talk to each other about the same issue, with the intention of telling
the deepest truth of your experience. Focus on just that, and notice how your
communication emerges. After each of you has had a turn, listen to the tape
again.

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Epilogue

Human relationships have changed so much In our own lifetimes that It has
been a dizzying challenge to keep up with it all. What we tried to do is to go back
to ground zero and re-envision what relationships could be. We asked ourselves
what we really wanted out of our relationship with each other. The answers were
not complicated. We wanted fun, clear communication, minimum conflict,
mutual creativity, and for our contact to be an ongoing source of psychological
and spiritual growth. We then worked for several years to find out what was
necessary to meet our goals. The work paid off, bringing us greater happiness,
vitality, and creativity than we had ever dreamed possible. We then expanded
the ideas into use with our therapy clients and workshop participants. Now we
offer them to you through this book. Please accept them as experiments to be
tried and verified for yourself. And please accept also our congratulations for
choosing the awesomely rewarding challenge of transforming human
relationships. We have found that there is no greater illumination than that which
is available through close contact with each other.

Our best to you on that journey.

 106

Commitment The Hendrickses will teach you how to build on these

relationship cornerstones and improve communication, create positive priorities,
resolve conflict, and tenninate power struggles.

Through proven exercises that have been tested in the Hendrickses' many
workshops as well as in their own marriage, this book provides you and your
partner with the road map to a more fulfIlling relationship.

GAY and KATHLYN HENDRICKS are a husband and wife team who have
been practicing psychotherapists for more than twenty years. They conduct
workshops nationwide, are the authors of At the Speed oflife and Conscious
Loving, and have appeared on liThe Oprah Winfrey Show," "Sonya Live," and
other major talk shows. They also direct the Hendricks Institute in Santa
Barbara,California. Gay Hendricks, Ph.D, was a professor of counseling at the
University of Colorado. Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., A.D.T.R., is a practicing body-
centered therapist.

 107

CENTERING AND
THE ART OF INTIMACY

HANDBOOK
A New Psychology of Close Relationships

GAY HENDRICKS, PH.D.
AND

KATHLYN HENDRICKS, PH.D.

 108

Contents

PART ONE:

A NEW PSYCHOLOGY OF CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS

Introduction: In the Laboratory of the Human Heart / 113

Chapter 1. The Essentials of Close Relationships / 116

Chapter 2. Love in Action: A Couple Transforms Their Relationship / 134

Chapter 3. Our Story: How Our Own Relationship Developed / 141

PART TWO:

THE WORKBOOK: YOUR MANUAL FOR TRANSFORMING YOUR CLOSE

RELATIONSHIP

Introduction / 157

Chapter 4. The Activities / 159

Assessing Your Intimacy Level / 159

The Fundamental Communication Activities / 162

Truth Telling / 164

The Aliveness Experiment / 171

Sorting Feelings / 173

The Feeling Inquiry / 182

 109

Agreements and Aliveness / 184

Your Relationship Dance / 186

The Bottom Line / 187

The Enlightening Relationship Two-step / 189

Experiments in Getting Close / 191

Choosing Closeness / 192

Exploring Getting Close / 193

Moving Closer / 195

Breathing Together / 196

Experiments in Autonomy / 198

Getting Separate / 198

The Autonomy Clues / 200

Learning to Take Space / 202

Establishing the Foundation: The Intentions and Agreements Essential to an

Enlightening Relationship / 204

Communicating Intentions / 206

Envisioning the Future / 207

The Persona Work / 209

The Persona Worksheet / 209

The Persona Interview / 216

 110

The Costs and Payoffs of Attachment to Personas / 217

Integrating Personas / 218

Exercises on Projections / 223

Who Is Seeing? / 225

The Projection Theater / 227

Moving Through Projection / 228

Problem Solving / 229

Learning to Love Yourselves Together / 230

Becoming Aware of Your Underlying Intentions / 231

The Delicate Art of Giving Feedback / 232

Interrupting Routines / 236

Choosing Relationship / 237

Strategies for Getting Unstuck / 241

Creating a New Future / 242

Taming Your Upper-Limits Dragon / 244

Activities for Enhancing a Relationship that Already Works / 252

The Four Essentials / 252

Increasing Your Spice Quotient / 255

Moving Together in Harmony / 257

 111

Dream Sharing / 258

Fluffing the Body Energy / 259

Supporting Creativity / 260

Afterword / 262

 112

Part One

A NEW PSYCHOLOGY
OF CLOSE
RELATIONSHIPS

 113

Introduction:

In the Laboratory of the Human Heart

This book has been written in a time of unprecedented opportunity for growth in
relationships. Walls have crumbled all over the world, including in the realm of
human interaction. If anything is clear in this changing world, it is that
relationships are desperately in need of transformation. The game has changed;
now a new set of rules must be created.

The transformation of relationships has consumed the interest of the authors for
many years. Based on our two-and-a-half decades of experience in counseling
couples and single people, we have developed a psychology of close relationships
that moves people toward greater harmony and creativity. Our book Centering &
the Art of Intimacy laid out the theory, and now we offer the workbook to help
our readers put it into practice. We offer you the essence of what we have found
works best in workbook format because we want to put these new techniques
directly into your hands. The material is written so that the individual, as well as
the group member or leader, can easily use the activities and ideas presented.

The old saying tells us that there is nothing new under the sun, but in light of the
miracles we have seen couples accomplish in their relationships over the past two
decades, the old saying might just be wrong. There has been so much learned in
the psychology of relationships in the past several decades that we, the authors,
are in awe of and made hopeful by the transformative possibilities now open to
all of us.

AN ERA OF INTENSE CHANGE

Relationships have changed utterly and enormously in recent years-some would

say for the worse, others for the better. From our perspective as relationship
therapists, we say yes to both points of view. Those who are committed to
 114

changing their relationships are soaring to new highs, while those who resist
changing are finding the ground buckling beneath them.

In technological societies, relationships seem to be the final frontier. We have

gone to the moon, but have yet to map out the territory of the human heart. It is
sobering to visit Tokyo and New York and see the dash between space-age
technology and stone age human communication. How could a species that can
build a jet plane or a bullet train be so obtuse in their dose relationships? How can
a scientist who ponders the mysteries of cold fusion by day go home at night and
be so inept at the warmer fusion of family life? Never before has there been such
a gap, and never such a crying need to bridge it. Unless the gap between
technology and communication in relationships is healed, the human experiment
on this planet may be doomed.

A WINDOW ON RELATIONSHIPS

As therapists, we have a window on communication that is unique. We are

present to the worst and best in human interaction, as well as everything in
between. For example, we counseled a couple who had not exchanged a kind
word, much less a tender caress, for several months. In an hour of intense,
carefully guided communication, they said things to each other that have been
hidden beneath the surface, unknown even to themselves. They were healed and
left our office hand in hand. Another couple came to us in similar tight-lipped
silence, but their efforts to communicate fell short. They left as much or more
estranged as when they came in. Perhaps another day will herald a breakthrough
for them, but until then they remain stuck. It is in this laboratory of the human
heart that the ideas and activities in this workbook were conceived and tested.
What is presented here for your use has passed the test of helping real people
heal their very real relationship problems.

As practicing therapists, we are faced with the problem of relieving immediate

pain. People come to us to feel better, to improve their lives and their
relationships. People do not pay therapists to develop theories. However, as
authors and contributors to the development of the profession, we have a strong
interest in developing a useful and testable theory of relationship therapy. Our
theory was developed from the inside out. By cataloging the various techniques
that led couples to greater happiness and harmony, we gradually compiled a
catalog of interventions that worked. As this catalog grew, a theory emerged.
 115

The interventions organized themselves into coherent categories, suggesting a

powerful new theory that will keep researchers busy for a long time.

OUR OWN RELATIONSHIP

Our relationship has been both proving ground and direct beneficiary of the
concepts and processes described in this and our earlier book. We met and
married at the beginning of the eighties. Now, well into the nineties and the
second decade of our marriage, we are deeply grateful for the amount of love
and creative energy that the ideas expressed here have given us. We live and
breathe these concepts every day of our lives. We use them in our work and in
our relations with family and friends. Used skillfully, they are the foundations of a
very powerful approach to living. The fundamentals-awareness, honesty,
commitment-can be applied anywhere in our lives. In normal human existence,
these simple things are often more conspicuous by their absence than their
presence.) But when they are practiced and held high as the standard, they
provide a beacon to guide us in our journey toward better relationships.

Our relationship has become a source of ongoing fun and spiritual growth, far
beyond our initial hopes and dreams. As therapists, the ideas in the book have
become the backbone of our entire approach to helping our clients. We
appreciate your interest and commitment to relationship growth and invite you
to participate wholeheartedly in this work with us.
 116

CHAPTER ONE

The Essentials of Close Relationships

You can learn either by wisdom or experience. There is nothing wrong with
learning through experience-in fact, there are plenty of things that can only be
learned that way. Try learning to make love or hit a golf ball solely by thinking
about it and reading the instruction manual! But there are lots of other things
that can best be learned through wisdom and by taking a careful look at the rules
and regulations before going into the field of play. Learning to cross the street is
one area in which learning by wisdom and not solely by experience is preferable.
Few of us would be here if our parents had said, "Just go out in the street and
experiment. See if you can find something that works." Yet that is the way we
frequently enter the realm of relationships.

Too many of us make the same mistakes over and over in relationships. Some
wise person once pointed out that life is not one thing after the other, it is often
the same thing over and over again. Nowhere is this problem more acute than in
relationships. Some of you may remember the popular TV movie of a few years
back that starred Farrah Fawcett as a woman who poured gasoline over her
abusive husband and torched him as he slept. It was based on a true story, and,
predictably, much publicity ensued. In the movie the woman was depicted as a
victim and a heroine who dared to strike back after years of beatings and abuse.
However, practically no attention was paid to the real-life woman on whom the
story was based. Not long after the movie appeared, she married another abusive
man, who allegedly molested her daughter. As therapists, we see examples week
in and week out of people who are unconsciously repeating the same patterns in
one relationship after another.

We would like to illustrate this problem with an example from our own
relationship. In the first year we were together we found ourselves recognizing
 117

patterns that we had seen in our past relationships. One of the most troublesome
patterns was one that we have since seen many other couples repeat. We would
get close to each other, then find some way to destroy the closeness. At the end
of a busy week, with a long weekend of potential closeness ahead of us, we
would get into some kind of wrangle on Friday night. Then Saturday and Sunday
would be spent sorting it out. As we looked into the source of this problem, we
both learned crucial things about ourselves. First we had to acknowledge that it
was not anybody's fault. Although we were both firmly convinced that it was the
other person's fault, we realized that we each had to take complete responsibility
and not blame the other person. When we stopped focusing on blame we had
more insight into which of our own dynamics were causing the problem. In Gay's
case, he found that he had a lot of fear that would emerge when he got close. To
avoid dealing with the fear, he would get angry. Kathlyn would assume that she
had done something wrong to provoke Gay's anger. She would be scared of his
anger and would try to be inconspicuous. Naturally, these patterns prevented any
possibility for intimacy.

During our first year we made an agreement that has served us very well. We
decided that we were going to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth to
each other. We were not going to edit or sort the truth, but instead go to great
lengths to say anything we had going on in our minds or bodies. Some people
might think this would be boring, but to us it was endlessly fascinating. As we
became skilled at telling the truth we made remarkable discoveries about how
much we had withheld the truth in past relationships. Gay discovered that he had
been using anger to mask his fears for most of his life, while Kathlyn learned that
she had been hiding from men's anger at least since she was four or five years
old. By speaking the truth we were able to talk about these patterns until we
understood them and ceased to repeat them with each other.

THE TWIN NEEDS FOR UNITY

AND AUTONOMY

By exploring issues like this one we learned one of the great truths of
relationships. People have deep needs for closeness and for separateness. We
yearn for unity with another person, and we also yearn for complete
individuation, the development of freedom, autonomy, and a personal
connection with the world. Both of these needs are absolutely fundamental, but
they are also fraught with difficulties. Most of us have had painful experiences
 118

with getting close and with getting separate. We have been wounded trying to
achieve one or both states. At some time, possibly even in the first few minutes
of life, something may have happened that established a flinch reaction to
getting close. Later, during the development of our autonomy, we may have
experienced events that kept us from its full expression.

Certainly traumas cause flinches, but they are not the only cause for our
difficulties in close relationships. Slow learning, in the form of things we see
going on around us over time, is just as likely to cause flinching. For example, Gay
grew up in a family where there was little touching. He remembers being
surprised to see his grandfather touch his grandmother's arm at the funeral of her
brother and recalling that it was the first time he had ever seen them touch. Later
this showed up in his relationships in several ways. Kathlyn grew up in a much
more touch-oriented family. In early courtship, Kathlyn would take Gay's arm out
in public, and he would notice a wave of discomfort.

The growth of a close relationship resembles the early stages of childhood

development. The infant's task when it arrives here on earth is quite simple:
Being. It must master the art of being close to another person and getting its
needs met. If all is untroubled in the primary relationship (nearly always with the
mother), the infant will learn that this is a place where it can get its needs met.
Later in the first year of life, separation occurs as the infant learns its second
major lesson: Doing. The infant, in its second six months of life, learns to explore
and to act on the environment in a variety of ways.

The parallels found in later close relationships are very clear. During the initial
stages of a close relationship, the emphasis is on Being. We are learning whether
this is a person we can trust. Can we get our needs met here? Usually there is
great emphasis on body contact and being together in essential ways: eating,
sleeping, dancing, walking. Then a movement toward autonomy begins. We
need to find out if this is a relationship in which we can experience both unity
with another person and the development of ourselves as separate beings. Can
we be close and be ourselves at the same time?

In to this key period rushes the power of our past conditioning. As therapists, we
cannot count the times we have heard something like this: "For the first few
months everything was great, then everything seemed to change overnight.
Suddenly she/he seemed to change personalities." It is as if the closeness we
achieve in the first stages of a relationship flashes a signal to some part of our
 119

minds that says, "Time to bring out the hidden aspects of you!" At this point the
controlling side of ourselves, or the dependent, or the violent, emerges, and the
power struggle begins. When these aspects of ourselves emerge it seems
"obvious" that they do so because of the other person. After all, the aspects
weren't there before the person showed up, were they? People lock into power
struggles over whose fault it is or trying to get the other person to change. The
struggles sap the creative energy of the relationship and set the stage for
dissolution or rigidification. Having helped approximately fifteen hundred
couples through this difficult period, we can say with certainty that it is one of the
most challenging things you will ever be faced with in life. If this passage in a
relationship is negotiated successfully, there is no upper limit on how much love
and creativity will be expressed; if not, great pain is often the result. One of our
clients was a prisoner of war during the Second World War who was tortured by
his captors. When asked to compare that pain to the pain he was experiencing in
the wake of his wife's departure, he unhesitatingly said that the pain of the
terminated relationship was far worse. "At least I had a way to deal with the pain
of physical torture. I could take it, or I could pass out. But this ... there's no way
out."

All of us can sympathize. We know the difficulty of handling emotional pain. It is

complicated by the lack of training any of us gets in how to be in dose
relationships. Unless you went to a very unusual school, there were no classes on
how to solve relationship problems, how to deal with feelings, and how to
communicate with the hidden sides of ourselves. But the very nature of
emotional pain provides another barrier. With physical pain, there is a dear
solution: Remove the stimulus causing the pain. With our emotional lives, the
problem is much trickier. Are we victims or volunteers? Much of the pain we
experience is due not to the actions of others but on how we see the world.

Pulling out some therapy files at random, we find the following issues that
emerged, seemingly from "nowhere," as people got closer in relationships.

A deep fear of being abandoned

The fear of being overwhelmed, engulfed
Rage about childhood violations
A desire to be taken care of completely by the other person
Hypersensitivity to criticism

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In each of these cases and hundreds more like them, clients swore to us that they
did not know the issue was a problem until it popped up in the relationship. None
of these issues would cause problems in relationships if we simply said, for
example, "Honey, I just became aware that I have a deep fear of abandonment
that is coming up now in our relationship. I hereby commit myself to taking full
responsibility for clearing it up." Instead, when the issue comes up it looks like the
other person has been the vehicle for its entry into our lives. In other words, we
tend to project blame onto the other person.

PROJECTION PRODUCES BOTH PAIN AND POSSIBILITY

Here lies the crux of the matter. The major stumbling block in the relationships of
the majority of the couples we have counseled has been projection. Projection in
this context is when A blames B for something that actually belongs to A. An
example: Marjorie blames Bill for flirting with Susie at the party. Bill blames
Marjorie for being on his case and trying to tell him what to do. In counseling they
find that this problem is rooted in projections on both of their parts. Marjorie and
her mother were abandoned by her father when she was a child, resulting in
great hardship for her. Based on this experience, she is hyper vigilant toward any
move Bill might make toward leaving her. She is an abandonment waiting to
happen. She sees Bill's conversation with Susie as flirting. Bill's background,
having grown up in a military family with an authoritarian father, makes him
hyper vigilant toward people telling him what he can and cannot do. He is a
criticism waiting to happen. When they come in for counseling, they have no idea
what the real issues are. They truly think it is the other person's fault. Imagine the
relief of finding out what the real problem is! But, like many strong medicines,
accepting personal responsibility can be tough to :;wallow. It is not something
that many people know how to do with grace. Especially when it seems so
obvious that it is the other person's fault! Many people-even the nicest and most
intelligent people-prefer to stay locked in power struggles rather than look into
the true source of the struggle within themselves.

Before rushing to judge projection harshly, let us all remember that projection
gives us the possibility of change. Without projection, we would have a hard time
seeing our hidden selves. The hidden self can be discerned in dreams, in our
fantasies, in our body language and verbal language, but to interpret these
elements of ourselves requires special skills. However, it takes no training to turn
our attention to the repetitive patterns in our close relationships and see our
 121

hidden selves come to light. Any pattern that produces dissatisfaction can be
seen as a projection from some past event. If we pay attention to those patterns
we can readily see the areas of ourselves that require fine-tuning or major
overhaul.

This is easier said than done. A great deal of commitment, courage, and practice
is required to start viewing all our problems as projections. It is always very
tempting to disown responsibility, to point the finger of blame, to claim
victimhood. Nature has given us the wonderful gift of awareness, but many of us
use it sparingly or unwisely. Every time we repeat a pattern that does not yield
satisfaction and closeness in relationships, it is possible to use our awareness to
look carefully into the issue. If we approach ourselves with an attitude of humble
inquiry, there are great rewards in terms of relationship learning. But all too often
we use these opportunities for growth as justifications for holding more
tenaciously to our old positions, the positions that do not bring happiness but are
simply familiar.

THREE POWERFUL STRATEGIES

We have found that there are three things that people do that entrench them
more deeply in the ruts in which they are stuck. Thousands of times in therapy we
have seen that problems are caused by not accepting feelings, by not telling the
truth, and by not keeping agreements. By turning these three practices into their
positive opposites, three very powerful prescriptions for successful relationships
come into being. They are:

Feel all your feelings (and allow others to feel theirs).

Tell all the truth.
Keep all your agreements.

The first one is absolutely essential for healthy living in general. When we do not
allow ourselves to know and experience our feelings, we are put into conflict with
ourselves. When the truth is not acknowledged and spoken, a fundamental
disharmony dominates the relationship. Complicating this problem is the fact
that human beings are a lot more intuitive and telepathic than we might think.
We often know when the truth is not being spoken, but we often avoid
confronting these hunches.
 122

This principle has resulted in many amusing incidents for the authors. On the talk
show circuit we have become indentified as the couple who advocate absolute
honesty in close relationships. The producer of a popular show called our offices
one day and said, ''These people are the truth doctors, aren't they?" When we
first began talking on radio and TV about telling the truth, we were not prepared
for the controversies that would arise. It seemed obvious to us that if you tell the
truth you have a relationship; if you don't, you don't. A relationship is between
two equals who are telling the truth to each other. Anything else is an
entanglement, not a relationship. Our first due came in the early eighties, during
one of our first television appearances. We were chatting on about the need for
honesty when we noticed that the host, an extremely handsome, suave, and cool
guy, had sweat pouring down his face. On the commercial break, he leaned over,
mopping his brow, and asked us if we meant that people were supposed to tell
the truth about everything. It seemed that we had touched a nerve with him.

It has turned out to be a sore spot for society in general. There is currently a
backlash against honesty. We have always said that truth is the strongest
aphrodisiac, the way to keep the romance flowing in a close love relationship.
Recent popular relationship books advocate lying to your partner and not even
trying to keep romance alive. The truth is dangerous, say these authors, and as
for enduring romance-forget it! Of course, we know that this point of view is
absurd, but we can see where it is rooted. There is tremendous fear of the truth in
society at large. Some say that lying is the glue that holds the whole operation
together. Political analysts have pointed out that the American solution to
dissatisfaction with Richard Nixon-when he lied the sweat literally rolled down
his face-was to elect a professional actor to play the role of president. Actors are
well paid for being able to lie so effectively that we believe it. As Laurence Olivier
put it: "It took me a while to figure out that the secret of acting was honesty.
Once I learned to fake that, I had it made."

In close relationships we all have to get skilled enough in telling the truth that we
see that truth produces greater aliveness. Probably the most common resistance
to telling the truth that we hear in therapy is that people are afraid that if they tell
the truth their partners will be hurt. When we go deeper into this issue with them,
they invariably discover that the real truth is that they do not want to have to put
up with the other person's reaction. It seems that many people prefer the
deadness of ritualized truth hiding in their relationships to the raw, electric
aliveness that telling the truth produces.
 123

One way to keep a relationship in stasis or in uproar is to break agreements.

Many people use this as their main strategy for relationship misery. It took the
authors a lot of looking to see that not keeping agreements destroyed the
potential for creativity. In our own relationship, we found that underneath many
upsets with each other was some agreement that had been forgotten. As we
began to pay attention to this problem in ourselves, we began to see how
prevalent this problem was in our clients. One of our clients with a closed head
injury actually traced her accident to a broken agreement. She had agreed not to
spend time with a former lover, an agreement she had made with her partner but
did not feel committed to keep. She sneaked out of the house one evening, spent
time with the lover, and was hurrying back home. She was preoccupied with
rehearsing various strategies for lying about where she had been when she rear-
ended another car that she simply did not see. Looking carefully at this situation,
we can see why she might be an accident waiting to happen. Her consciousness
was divided in two: not here, not there. Part of her was at home, trying to explain
a situation without actually telling the truth. Part of her was trying to drive a car.
There was not enough of her available to do the job at hand. How many accidents
come from just this sort of division?

The three fundamental requirements of close relationships experiencing feelings,

telling the truth, keeping agreements-are ways of staying in unity with ourselves
and others. When we shut off our feelings, we divide ourselves in half. When we
do not tell the truth, we divide ourselves from others. So it is with failing to keep
agreements. Some part of us and others is always keeping track of the
agreements we have made and the agreements others have made with us. When
those are not kept, we have to confront the broken agreements or shut them out
of our awareness. Confronting our own broken agreements and those others
have broken is scary. It is not a popular choice, nor easily done. It is much more
likely that we will swallow the confrontation, preferring to avoid the possible
unpleasantness. But this is a troublesome move, guaranteed to put us out of
harmony at a fundamental level.

In our therapy practices, we work quite a bit with people who are in chronic pain
or who have longstanding physical problems of psychological origin. In the case
of headaches, for example, the person often has a history of swallowing
important communications, such as anger. The boss will make a demand, the
employee will feel angry about it but will not say anything, only to go home from
work early because of a headache. How many million hours of lost productivity
 124

each year are the result of just this sort of misplaced communication? We have
shown hundreds of people how to clear pain out of their bodies by
communicating the truth of their feelings in nonthreatening ways.

There is an old saying: The truth will out. If the truth of our feelings and deeds is
told, a healthy relationship is possible. If the truth is withheld, it will eventually
find some way out into the light. Even after many years of choosing the truth, we
are still faced with the choice every day. We find in our personal relationship that
there is always something new we are learning about ourselves-we are
continually finding a new edge-and that a continued recommitment to the truth
is necessary. Now, at midlife, both of us are discovering many layers of ourselves
that we buried long ago in order to survive in our early family life. For example,
Kathlyn left behind her creative side at an early age in order to be Mother's
helper. She had to grow up quickly at the age of nine, when her mother became
ill. This event was not good or bad: it simply was. Her new role took on a life of its
own, and she adopted a persona that she now calls Supercompetent.

We all slip into personas, just as we slip into a raincoat on a stormy day. It
protects us from the elements, but it is not essentially who we are. Kathlyn's
Supercompetent persona concealed a creative artist. Now the Supercompetent
aspect of herself, though very successful, is no longer satisfying to her. In other
words, she wants greater freedom of expression. She wants to give energy to
parts of her other than the reliable hard-worker. Here in lies a major problem for
many people. Some of us are able to shed a persona gracefully when it is no
longer working. Others of us wrestle with our persona raincoats as we try to
remove them. Or, just as likely, others wrestle with us, trying to keep them on.
Family and friends can get just as attached to our personas as we do.

One of the big messages life brings us is: Be yourself. As life proceeds, and
especially as we get into our thirties and forties, we get strong hints from the
world around us that it is essential to uncover who we really are. If we remove our
masks successfully, we are able to uncover parts of ourselves that we can draw on
for the energy to fuel the second half of our lives. If we do not, we are likely to
circulate through the same personas long after they are tired and worn out.
Certainly this problem is visible to us as therapists every day. People come in,
stuck in personas they have been wearing for too long. It is often extraordinarily
difficult to get them to try out a new way of being. Often we have marveled: Why
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would we humans become so comfortable with, attached to, and afraid of giving
up something that is producing so much unhappiness?

To find the answer to this crucial question, we need to look at how the
personality is built.

WHERE OUR PERSONALITIES COME FROM

As people work on themselves-through the self-inquiry of therapy and other

procedures-they become aware of an aspect of themselves that is frequently lost
in childhood. The word we use for this aspect is essence, the part of us all that is
free, clear, and uncluttered with the learning processes of life. Essence simply is:
It is pure consciousness, with nothing added. When in touch with essence, human
beings may have feelings, for example, but the feelings do not overwhelm them.
Similarly, we may wear personas, but if we are in touch with essence, we wear
them lightly. When out of touch with essence, our personas overshadow us,
leading us to become attached to them.

Personas may then develop a life of their own. They work. At a certain stage of
development, they may be our only choice. As we use them over and over again,
finding that we can get some of our needs met by these false selves, we gradually
forget that they are not really us. We mistake them for our true selves, only to
wake up later in life wondering: Who am I? Where did I go? How did I lose touch
with the part of me that is real? These questions can serve as the stimulus for our
return to essence, but sometimes they are never asked or encouraged. All too
many people go to their graves without answering the fundamental questions of
their existence. They settle for the small pleasures of life-the search for the
ultimate cocktail, dessert, or sitcom-rather than becoming the agents of their
own destinies.

In our travels we have been surprised to find that this lack of self-knowledge is
often greater in affluent societies. One would think that citizens of the Third
World would be too caught up in the struggle for food and shelter to ask the
bigger philosophical questions. But the exact opposite seems to be true. On a
train in India, for example, practically anyone-traveling salesman, pauper,
sweeper-will be happy to engage in a dialogue about the subtleties of human
existence. It is much more unlikely to strike up such a conversation on a Swiss
train or a New York subway. In fact, simple eye contact is often avoided in such
settings.
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When we have strong feelings-fear, anger, grief-our essence is often

overshadowed throughout the duration of the feelings. If we develop an effective
method of clearing feelings from our bodies and minds, we can then return to
essence. When essence is strong, we know that while we may have feelings, we
are larger than they are. When essence is overwhelmed, our feelings seem larger
than we are. In growing up there is little useful information available about how
to clear ourselves of feelings. If we had a guardian angel, when we are grieving,
for example, our angel might say, "Let yourself feel the sadness deeply. Don't
resist it. Contact it in your body. Breathe deeply with it. Communicate it clearly to
someone who'll listen non-judgmentally." Unfortunately, guardian angels are in
short supply, and society seems too often to teach us the exact opposite
behavior.

We tell our clients who are immersed in feeling: Don't flee or fight-flow. In other
words, tune in to feelings and be with them until they pass. Feelings are like
thunderstorms, with a beginning, a middle and an end. Unless impeded, they will
move through, even cleansing the air. However, the anti-feeling messages of
society cause many problems. By teaching us to withhold feelings from
ourselves, and especially by teaching us to conceal them from each other, we set
the stage for relationships built on concealment rather than revealment.

This problem brings us to the next element on which personalities are built. If we
are out of touch with essence and the feelings that obscure essence, we need to
come up with strategies to relate to people around us. In other words, if we find
that being real does not work very well, we need to come up with something that
does. These strategies, which we call personas, are the masks we learn to wear to
get our needs met. As we work with clients we find that they learned to wear
many such masks, because there are many people and situations that may
require different faces as we grow up. It would be ideal, perhaps, if people saw
our essences as we grew up. If they saw who we really were, and went about the
task of nurturing our essences, then we might not need to put on false faces to
get recognition. But in the real world of family interaction, we are often split into
many parts. We may learn to adopt a Supercompetent persona with one parent
and a Victim persona with another. On another day we may find that getting a
sore throat works to avoid some responsibility, so we begin to use a Get Sick
persona at various stressful times in life. Some personas are highly rewarded,
others are frowned upon by society. A person may cling to his Delinquent/Rebel
persona for a lifetime, even though it has brought nothing but misery to him.
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Why would he cling to such a persona? A persona is not simply there to get
external rewards, it serves a complex inner function and stays in place by a
certain way in which we use it in social relations. Personas are used to control
feelings; while they are in place we do not have to confront the often stormy or
deadly feelings on which they are based. We often gravitate to a particular
persona at a time in our lives when we have an awesome amount of inner rage,
fear, or grief and no way to express it effectively.

Personas are also used as ways of being right and making other people wrong.
When in the grip of a persona such as Rebel, it is quite likely that we will band
together with fellow Rebels, forming a club based on a shared perception that we
are right and they are wrong. Then, regardless of what happens to us on the
outside-judge, jail, or junkiedom-we are able to preserve a sense of self, albeit
one founded on a false and costly view of who we are. We become willing to
trade happiness, peace of mind, and success for being right.

Nowhere is this phenomenon more apparent than in the counseling of couples.

People come in who have not drawn a happy breath in their relationships in
years. Upon exploration, they find that the whole time they have been choosing
to remain in personas that do not work, simply to be right and to make someone
else wrong. Being right and making wrong is best thought of as an addiction. We
notice that when people give up this habit it frequently brings on something that
looks very much like withdrawal symptoms, sometimes including physical
symptoms. For example, we pointed out to a couple a deeply ingrained tendency
to make each other wrong. This tendency was so habitual that it had never
occurred to either of them that the "make wrong" was going on entirely in their
respective minds. When we pointed out that there was nothing intrinsically
"wrong" with either one of them, they looked at us with mouths agape. We
encouraged them to begin to focus on their respective minds as the culprit,
seeing their wrong making machinery as the problem rather than the other
person.

We got a call two days later from one of them, who said, "I don't know what to do
now that I'm not criticizing [the mate]. What am I going to do with all my time?"
We suggested that they turn their attention to finding out how they could enjoy
life and how they could produce something creative for the world. This problem
is the same one faced by many recovering addicts. The addiction structured their
time and their lives. Without it, how would the time be filled? Some make the
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happy discovery that the same amount of time and energy formerly wasted on
the addiction can be turned into productive actions. Others do not get their free
energy channeled in a satisfying way that yields creative results.

PROJECTION AND PERSONAS

Projections flow from our personas. Once we lock into a particular persona the
world-and the people in it-look different. For example, Dependent/Clingy people
see others as those to whom they can ding or those to whom they cannot. A
Ramblin' Man-fearing commitment and engulfment-sees people as those who
will give him space or those who will not. One person comes into a party and sees
people being phony. We see what we believe, not what is actually there. Granted,
there are times when we see what's really there, but the wise person will first
consider that everything he or she sees is a projection.

The problem of projection needs to be mastered if dose relationships are to be

successful. What is the best way to find out what your projections are? The
technique is simple but maddening at times: Just look at what you most complain
about in others and apply it to yourself. Gay, for example, complained constantly
about the anger that a former relationship partner beamed at him: "My
programming led me to suffer in silence. Her programming led her to suffer
loudly, operatically. Pretty much from the day we met the focus of her anger
became me. According to her, her life had been unblemished until I entered.
Oddly enough, I maintained the same thing. Friends would ask me why I just
didn't walk away. I couldn't tell them why at the time, but now it's dear to me
that I needed to learn about a key projection in my life. Specifically, I had
disowned my anger, holding it inside. I buried it under tension and overeating. In the
relationship I stuffed myself constantly, and when it ended I lost a hundred pounds
in a year. Finally one day I woke up to what is now painfully obvious: What I
most complained about in her was what I most needed to learn about in myself. I
needed to learn about anger, how to feel and how to express it. As long as it was
so deeply bottled up in myself, I needed to see it dramatically in others. How else
could I learn about it? The relationship effectively ended one magic day when I
stopped pointing the finger at her and brought it back around to aim at
myself. I asked: What is it about me that keeps creating this situation? It was
painful to look at, but what I got was that I was angry myself. I quit thinking
that our relationship problem was her anger and instead took on the project of
working on my own angry feelings."
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Facing the projection issue is one of the most courageous acts anyone can ever make.
It is so tempting to blame and justify. The august U.S. Senate, in the wake of the
Clarence Thomas affair, went to the trouble of appointing a special person to find
out who leaked the story! Many concerned citizens probably wondered why the
senators did not put a special consultant onto the problem of how to reveal the
truth rather than conceal it. We have watched many couples in therapy struggle
with this issue. Almost everyone comes in with an agenda of blame and
projection. Each person is pretty well convinced that it actually is the other
person's fault. Each of them must loosen the grip on this projection to solve the
problems in the relationship. Each must abandon the pointing finger and look
inside. The moment we ask the question: What is it within me that is
contributing to this problem? the projection loses its stranglehold on us. The
alternative question: Why is this o ther p erson (and t he w orld) d oing t his t o
me? P uts u s i n a n unequal victim position to all of life.

The corollary of dropping projection is taking full responsibility. But it must be a

certain type of responsibility. It cannot be a definition of responsibility that
involves blame in any way. Some people think of responsibility in terms of
''Who's to blame here?" Assigning blame is based on a very primitive
understanding of responsibility, but it is an association that is often impressed on
our minds due to childhood traumas. After all, when we break the cookie jar
while stealing cookies, we often hear ''Who's responsible for this?" in a blame
context. Admission of responsibility is followed by punishment.

If responsibility does not involve blame, what is it? What is an understanding that
serves us in close relationships? In a phrase: Responsibility is a celebration of
wholeness. In order to claim responsibility we must open up to every hidden part
of ourselves and look within to find out how we are creating the situation we are
in. A relationship is between two or more people who are 100 percent responsible
for their lives; anything else is an entanglement. Note that we have not said that
you need to take 110 percent or 152 percent responsibility. In couples therapy, we
urge people to let the other person have room to take 100 percent. We have
worked with many people who took too much responsibility. They were martyrs
who did not demand that others be responsible. An extreme example is the
depressed middle-aged woman who rode a bus across town each week to deliver
her thirty-six-year-old son's ironing to him because she didn't want to trouble him
to come get it. For years she had wanted to ask him to pick up his laundry, but
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she was afraid he would be upset. If your life is based on such a cockeyed set of
assumptions, depression is nearly assured.

Nor will 99 percent responsibility do. Any time we are coming into a situation
with less than 100 percent responsibility we are requiring someone else to pick up
the slack. It is possible to take responsibility even in extreme circumstances. For
inspiration we sometimes read the books of Viktor Frankl. Frankl was
incarcerated in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. Most of us would
agree that this is a situation in which one could rightfully claim victimhood. But
he did not stop there. He decided to take responsibility for being happy and
creative even in such adverse conditions. And he did so, turning his experience
into a remarkable journey of growth and service. Later he went on to become
one of the most distinguished therapists of our time.

A healthy relationship is one in which both people are absolutely committed to

their own wholeness. They realize that an entanglement occurs when one person
or the other avoids full responsibility. The potential for creativity is enormous in a
relationship. The potential for destructiveness is enormous in an entanglement.
M. Scott Peck, in his widely read book The Road Less Traveled, puts it very
succinctly: Mental health problems are basically disturbances of responsibility.
Neurotics take too much; people with character disorders take too little. We
would go further to say that almost all of us take the wrong kind of responsibility.
As human beings, we tend to understand responsibility as a burden, or we see it
as a restriction of our freedom.

AN EXAMPLE OF A CHOICE FOR ALIVENESS

What we often do not see is that true responsibility is the path to greatest
aliveness. When we can celebrate the awareness-I had a role creating all this!-we
have the greatest possible space for growth. Accepting full responsibility for the
way our lives go also gives us the most power to change any aspect of life we do
not like. We saw a beautiful example of this issue not long ago in therapy. A
couple came in at the point of splitting up. They agreed to three sessions of
therapy to find out if they could salvage the relationship. At first, neither would
take any responsibility for the way the relationship was going. They could only
agree on one thing: It was, without question, the other person's fault. For her, his
inability to speak the truth, particularly about his feelings, was at the root of the
problem. Also, she was sick of his lack of responsibility. For him, the relationship
was a disaster because of her endless criticism. It took a whole session just to get
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them each thoroughly ventilated. We did not attempt to do much besides listen
to their complaints about each other.

But at the beginning of the second session we popped a big question to them.
Would they be willing to do whatever was necessary in themselves to heal the
relationship? After some deliberation, they said yes. This agreement gave us the
freedom to ask a deeper question. To him we said, ''Would you be willing to find
out your role in perpetuating your wife's critical strategy?" To her we said,
''Would you be willing to discover your role in your husband's difficulty in
speaking the truth of his feelings and in being responsible?" Both exploded into a
rage of denial, vehemently maintaining that they had nothing to do with each
other's issues. We rode out this eruption, then firmly reminded them that they
had agreed to look at their own roles in perpetuating the problems in the
relationship. Slowly they reined themselves in and began to focus inward. For the
first time, they began seriously to entertain the possibility of true responsibility.

She broke through first. Could it be, she mused, that she had some role in his
difficulty expressing feelings? We quickly put this insight to the test. We asked
her to listen to him expressing a feeling. We asked them to face each other. Tell
her something you're scared about, we said to him. He closed his eyes for a
moment. "I'm scared you might leave me." A split second later she howled
sarcastically. "Oh, sure. Like I'm really going to walk out and move into some
dinky little studio apartment and leave you sitting in a $250,000 house that I've
spent the last ten years decorating." She went on in this vein for another thirty
seconds or so.

When she came to a halt, we pointed out that no one in their right mind would
tell the truth about his feelings if he got that kind of reaction. Of course he would
keep them bottled up, even if there were no other reasons to do so. Her jaw
literally dropped. We went further. When did this critical part of you come into
being? She told us a story of a perfectionist upbringing, where she was criticized
seemingly on a minute-by-minute basis. We turned to him. How is it inevitable,
given your learning history, that you would invite someone into your life who
criticizes you a lot? His past involved a critical mother and a sloppy father. His
growing up was fraught with their battle, until they split up in his early teens.

The couple's relationship began to heal when they quit pointing the finger of
blame. They took the same energy that was being eaten up by accusation and
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used it for exploration of themselves. By the end of their third session they were
excited about using their relationship as an arena for self-discovery.

THE ART OF INTIMACY

Our whole approach to relationship therapy grew out of inventing our own
relationship. Most of us have too many models for poor relationships. Few of us
have an abundance of healthy models. When we got together in 1980, we looked
around us for models on which to base our relationship. We did not find any. We
were very clear about what we didn't want. But where to look for heroes? Not
finding any gave us impetus to design what we wanted from scratch. The first
thing we did was to sit down after dinner one evening and come up with a list of
the things on which a healthy relationship could thrive. Now, well over a decade
later, this list has grown considerably. Based on our current state of evolution,
here is what we think constitutes a good relationship.

Both people are totally committed to employing the relationship as the

arena for self-knowledge.
Both people are committed to being close.
Both people are committed to their own ultimate individual
development.
Both people tell all the truth, all the time. Anything else is an
entanglement. No exceptions.
Both people take full responsibility for themselves. There are no victims
and no villains.
Conflicts are resolved in a win/win manner. No one has to lose in order for
someone else to win.
Both people consistently demonstrate that they choose having a good
time over being right and making the other person wrong.

As we have watched couples switch over to living this new way, we have
marveled at how powerful such simple things can be. On the surface each of
these points looks easy, yet each involves lifetime commitments. Frequently
couples come up to us at workshops to tell us that they have been working for
two years on learning to tell each other the truth or communicate what they
want to each other. Sometimes the simplest things can be the hardest to learn.
But they are often the most powerfully transformative learnings. We have seen
cancer go into remission when the person learned how to speak the truth. We
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have seen a cold and sore throat disappear within an hour when the person said "I
forgive you" to his partner. We have seen thousands of people who have made
the choice to move toward health and happiness in their relationships. It is deeply
moving to us to see how quickly people can progress when they have an outline
of the goals they are seeking. After all, it only took humans a hundred years to go
from locomotive to moon rocket. The speed at which people are moving to
transform their relationships has given us, as therapists, authors, and fellow-
inhabitants of the planet, a great deal of inspiration to continue the work.

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CHAPTER TWO

Love in Action:
A Couple Transforms Their Relationship

Every summer we host a training program for therapists, held at a retreat center
in the Rockies. It is always one of the highs of the year for us; we get to introduce
a new group of enthusiastic learners to the principles of relationship described in
these pages. And we get to do it on our home turf, in the majestic mountains that
have been our home for nearly two decades. One of the teaching tools we use is
to demonstrate the relationship principles in "live" sessions. The transcript you
are about to read comes from one of those training sessions. A married couple,
both therapists, volunteered to work on a deeply troubling issue in front of the
group. Given the content of the sessions, their courage in baring these issues to
the group is to be especially applauded.

The session demonstrates quite eloquently how powerful these ideas can be.
Other than trimming out some "uhs" and repetitions, we have not edited the
material. It appears just as it happened.

Italic letters will be used to indicate when either Kathlyn or Gay is speaking. The
setting is a conference room overlooking a valley surrounded by high mountain
peaks. Beth and Don are seated in two chairs facing each other in the center of a
circle of about thirty-five people. Gay and Kathlyn also are seated in the center,
forming a square with Beth and Don. The session will last a little over an hour.

What are the issues you would like to work on?

Don: We've been married twenty years. Beth recently had an affair. She wants to
remain friends with him. It's difficult to deal with open-endedness. I want to
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continue our marriage, and I feel threatened with her having-I have a lot of
feelings ... Wanting her back hurts.
Beth: Don has made it clear what he wants. I'm not sure what I want.

Given all of that, would you be willing to clear up this issue in our time together
today?
Don: Yes.
Beth: Yes.

Go back, Beth, to the moment you began the other relationship; what exactly
happened?
Beth: I haven't ever given myself permission to pursue what I really want ... so I
did, with this man. I feel like I've been trapped all my life-and I didn't want to
spend my whole life that way. So I just ... acted on impulse ... did what I
wanted.

And does that relationship-the way it feels-remind you of anything?
Beth: My first date in high school. He seemed a lot like my dad, too, as time went
on. I don't know ... I don't know ...

I notice you say, I don't know quite a bit. Say, "I don't know a few times and see
what feelings come up.
Beth: I don't know ... I don't know. I guess I really want both men, and when I talk
about it I get scared. I'm afraid to say.

So you go to "I dont know to avoid having to be with the fear.
Beth: [Nods]

When you say youre afraid to tell the truth is the fear that you will be judged
wrong?
Beth: I withhold the truth to keep from the pain. I'm afraid I'll hurt him.
Don: Would you rather hear the truth rather than keep the relationship? Can you
choose the truth) or do you want to keep the relationship so much you dont
want to hear the truth?
Don: I want to hear the truth.

Beth, how do you feel? Which one would you go to when the chips are down?
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Beth: I don't know.

Don: She's been telling the truth about her feelings for him, and now I feel like it's
a weapon and I'm going to get nailed with it.

Is there a way in which all of this is inevitable? Do you remember, Don, the moment
you found out about all of this?
Don: It was the worst thing possible. It was a shock, but it was also a relief.
Because I [already] felt something was wrong.

Check carefully in yourselves. Is there a way in which these feelings are familiar to
you? Are there other incidents with these qualities?
Don: Yeah. The other time she had an affair. My thought was, "To heck with it, I'll
just go my own way."

Is there a theme here? In this relationship Beth is the Bad Guy and the Wild One,
and Don gets to be the Victim and the Cautious One.
Beth: I feel pushed to be the fire in our relationship.
Don: I thought if I was good enough this wouldn't happen again.

Lets look at how all this might be inevitable, given your ways of being. Beth, what
do you believe you have to be in order to be with Don? What does he require of
you?
Beth: I'm supposed to be exciting and sexy and attractive and wild.

How about you, Don? What does Beth require of you?
Don: That I'm reliable, good-a provider and caretaker.

And, Beth, how do you make Don wrong?
Beth: That he's a couch potato; he's uninterested in the kids.

Don, what did you think of her about two minutes after you found out about this?
Don: That she was compulsive, dramatic, bad, mean, uncaring. How could she do
this to me?

Beth, what were you feeling?
Beth: It had nothing to do with him.
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Don: She wasn't going to tell me-to protect me-and then she goes and tells three
of my friends.

So, Beth, you accepted the role of Bad Guy. You provide the fire, and Don, you
accepted the steady role. Those two roles arent working anymore. Would you
be willing to resolve all this in a way that doesnt make anybody right or wrong?
Would you be willing to be each other's allies in your evolution and to create a
positive future today, right now?
Don: Yes.
Beth: Yes.

It looks like youre both addicted to these two roles-the Wild One and the Victim.
Lets look at where those two roles came from.
Don: I can see where I got my role. My dad was a total victim, and he was always
right. I do the same thing. I use this victim thing as my way of being right and
making Beth wrong.
Beth: I'm not sure. My mother's main role was to play stupid. I guess my Wild One
role is a way to get people to wake up. See Me! Look at me! I exist!

So [each] take a moment to love yourself/or adopting those roles. Give yourself
some loving acceptance for using those acts. But, also tune in to how those roles
are not really you.
Don: So you're saying that we're just playing out a drama between two old
survival roles we adopted in our childhoods.

Right. And these roles are about four-year-olds. The possibility exists now for you to
design how you want your relationship to be as grown-ups.
Beth: [Takes a deep breath] Wow. That's an interesting idea! [Everybody laughs]

Another thing to look at. Are you playing out each other's hidden opposite?
Beth: What do you mean?

Well, maybe Don has a secret Rebel hidden underneath that burdened Victim role.
And) Beth) maybe you have a secret Victim buried under your Rebel.
Don: So that I would require Beth to act out my Rebel, because I've got it too
buried to be in touch with it. I somehow require that she wake me up.

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Because?
Don: Because, I guess, I have trouble waking myself up.
Beth: He has three alarm clocks, no kidding!

So you require a lot of outside stimulation to wake you up.
Don: Yeah.

So, Don, would you be willing to become your own alarm clock, so you dont require
Beth to wake you up in ways you find obnoxious?
Don: Whew. I guess.

Is that a yes or a no?
Don: [Laughs and takes a big breath] Okay. Yes. That's what I want.

Lets see how it would work with you, Beth.
Beth: Okay.
Maybe underneath your Wild One act you have a deep need for grounding) to stay
balanced and centered. You dont provide that for yourself, so you require Don
to play a couch potato and a cop, an anchor to keep you from messing up too
much.
Beth: But then I rebel against it. I act out in ways that are hurtful to Don and the
kids.

Would you be willing to find a balance? A way to be wild and creative in a totally
positive way?
Beth: Yes, definitely.

Check inside yourselves. Are you both willing to be completely whole, in a way thats
completely safe for both of you?
Beth: Yes.
Don: Yes.

Move a little closer and hold hands. Would you be willing to tell each other the
truth?
Both: Yes.

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Go ahead. Each of you say things that are true, which cannot be argued about. We'll
give you some coaching.
Don: I feel taken advantage of.
Beth: I feel like I let you take advantage of me.

Okay, both these things could be argued about. Go to a deeper level. Whats the real
truth underneath that.
Beth: I'm confused. I'm angry at men. Men in general.

Do you remember the moment you made that decision?
Beth: It was early, before I went to school. I hated seeing my mother do all the
work while my father and my brothers just ran around. I hated having to help
her all the time.

And whats the truth for you, Don?
Don: I don't feel appreciated.

Go even deeper. Get underneath all the victim stuff.
Don: I'm scared. I'm helpless. Dependent.

What time in life does this remind you of ?
Don: It's exactly like when my parents split up and I went to live with my
grandparents.

So when Beth gets interested in another man, your abandonment fears are
triggered.
Don: Yeah.

Take a moment to love yourself for those feelings. Love them like you love your kids.
Don: [Crying]

Do you both want this marriage?
Don: Yes.
Beth: Yes.

Do you love each other?
Beth: Yes.
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Don: Yes.

Okay. We'd like you to set aside ten minutes a day for homework. Would you do
that?
Both: Yes.

Take ten minutes and sit down, hand in hand, just like you are right now. Make eye
contact and tell each other the truth. Stay connected and get underneath all the
stuff that can be argued about. Tell the truth that cant possibly be argued
about. Okay?
Both: Okay.

Outcome: The workshop concluded the next day, and we did not see Don and
Beth again for a month, until a trip to Colorado made it possible for them to have
another meeting with us in Colorado Springs. Following that, we had a joint
telephone session with them when they called from their home in the Midwest.
We continued to work with the same themes they identified in the session
presented above. Rather quickly, Beth's relationship with the other man
dissolved. No dramatic exercise of willpower was required; she just lost interest.
She was surprised at how the intensity of feelings for him, which had seemed so
compelling, could fade so quickly. Our hunch was that as soon as she saw that
the feelings were an outgrowth of her Rebel and Alarm Clock roles, she had no
further use for them. As soon as Don got out from under his Victim role and
began to be his own alarm clock, he had no need for Beth to be the Wild One.

When we last heard from them, they were happier than ever before, busy with
the task of designing a relationship based on what they now consciously want.

In presenting a case which has such a positive outcome, it is tempting to think

that what Beth and Don accomplished is easy. It is not, of course. What is
required is commitment and a willingness to explore, to sail off into the
unknown. Sometimes the courage that couples show reminds us of explorers like
Columbus and Balboa, who went off toward the horizon with little to go on but
their commitment. In this case, Beth and Don had the necessary prerequisites for
turning the adventure of relationship into a successful journey: They were both
committed to the relationship and to learning about themselves. By the power of
these commitments they were able to transform a potential breakdown and
breakup into a breakthrough.
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CHAPTER THREE
Our Story:
How Our Own Relationship Developed

Our own relationship has been the main beneficiary of all the ideas and practices
we are describing in this book. Our life together has given us all the psychological
growth, spiritual evolution, love, and material rewards that we could ever have
dreamed of. We have managed to create together a family and a career that is so
different from and so much better than anything we saw around us growing up
that we are frequently amazed at how it all came about. Actually, what seems
like magic is almost always the result of tiny moments of choice-decisions for
growth rather than for stagnation. We have made thousands of choices along the
way that have contributed to the success of our relationship. In this chapter we
would like to share some of our own personal lives and our choice points,
focusing particularly on how we generated our relationship and formed the ideas
in the book.

We met in January 1980, just a few days into the new decade. We will speak. in
our own individual voices for a moment, then switch back to we. Gay was in an
unusual state of serenity and turmoil, having just decided the month before to
leave the relationship he was in. In his words: "It was a stormy time, but at the
center of myself I felt a rare sense of peace. I had come to a resolution point and
had made a decision that I felt would change all of my life. I didn't know how it
would all work out, of course, but I knew the change would be profound.
 142

"In late 1979, I had found myself in an escalating series of quarrels with the
woman with whom I had shared my life for the past five years. The quarrels had a
familiar theme. Usually they would go like this: She would get upset about my
talking to another woman at a party or some other social gathering. I had been
sexually monogamous with her, and I would get enraged at being falsely accused.
I would rail against her trying to control me. You're trying to limit my freedom! I
can't breathe if I'm fenced in! We would both become self-righteous about our
positions, digging in our heels and refusing to budge. I would get extremely upset
at her unwillingness to look at what this issue might be about in herself. I knew
that it was an old pattern in her life that she had played out in other relationships,
and I also knew that her father had committed numerous infidelities that had
eventually contributed to her parents' divorce. I would retreat to my little cabin
on the back of our property and meditate/sulk for three days. These were almost
always three-day episodes-and in general they happened about once a month.
But in that fall of 1979 they became more frequent than they had been, off and
on, since the relationship began in late 1974.

"The event that changed everything took place in early December 1979. I came
back from being at a party held by some of my graduate students. Having gotten
lost in an animated conversation at the party-of course surrounded by intelligent
and attractive women!-I came home later than I had predicted. Confronted about
this broken agreement, I mentioned that I had gotten so caught up in the
discussion that I had forgotten the time. I went on further to do something that I
had rarely if ever done: I told the detailed truth about the party, the people who
were there, and the specific people with whom I had talked. I had become
accustomed to giving carefully edited versions of my social activities, to save
myself from the fury of her reactions. But this time I decided to tell the whole
truth. Predictably, much uproar ensued. During this heated discussion, I had a
moment of supreme clarity. I realized I was repeating the same theme I had been
repeating for years. As my programmed self continued the argument on
autopilot, another part of me asked several life-changing questions: What if this
were not completely her fault? What if this had something to do with me? What
was it about me that made this pattern inevitable? You may laugh that it took a
therapist so long to consider this possibility, since I spend half my days asking
people to look at this very issue. At any rate, I asked another question: Was there
something I needed to learn about myself that, if I learned it, would enable me to
transcend this pattern? I stopped talking right in the midst of the argument and
stood stock still in the center of the floor. I was later told that my jaw dropped
 143

open and I had a radiantly awestruck look on my face. I suddenly saw the whole
pattern: I had played the same role with my mother from my first days. I would
feel smothered by her half the time and abandoned the other half. My mother
worked full time, and I was cared for by my grandmother. My mother would rush
in at lunch, give me some fast and furious attention (accent on the furious), and
then dash back to work. After work the sequence would be repeated. I think she
felt so guilty about the arrangement that she felt obligated to parent me in these
twenty-minute bursts, even though I might not have needed it at the time.

"The result of all this seemed to be that I developed a huge fear of being
engulfed. My belief was that if I got close to someone I would lose my center, my
self So if I got close, I would get scared of being engulfed, then I would do
something obnoxious to drive her back. Of course, all this would take place
totally unconsciously: To me it just looked like she was on my case and trying to
control me by denying me my freedom. Naturally, I had been playing out this
script so long that I even had my cheering section, a support group of fellow-
mavericks who all agreed that yes, indeed-she was trying to control me and limit
my freedom.

She had her cheering section who agreed that I was the Bad Guy, an incorrigible
Ramblin' Man who would quickly revert to the savage state if she took her eye off
me. So we were both skilled at making ourselves right. But we were both wrong-
dead wrong.

"I stepped out of my persona that day in 1979. In a dizzyingly fast chain of
thoughts, I saw the pattern and decided to change it. I chose in that moment to
drop it permanently. The pain was too great to continue it. I didn't know what the
payoff would be, but I knew one thing for sure: I would rather be alone than
replay the pattern one more time. Ever.

"I stopped in the middle of the argument and told my partner what I had just
seen. I took full responsibility for the pattern and did my best to describe the
source of the programming in my relationship with my mother. I asked her if she
was interested in clearing up whatever her end of the pattern was, so that we
could find out what our relationship could be outside this script. She said no. She
said that it was completely my fault, that she had nothing to do with it, and that
we could only have a relationship ifl admitted that I was the problem. Okay, I
said, I'm the problem. Are you interested in having a relationship in which we
both take 100 percent responsibility 100 percent of the time? She thought for a
 144

moment, then shocked me with her answer. It was no. She explained lucidly that
she was afraid to look into this pattern in herself and that she would rather
sacrifice the relationship than open up to it. I was stunned by this decision, but in
another way I felt an incredible sense of serenity. I knew I had made a decision
that would free me, and I was willing to stick by it. I retreated to my cabin and
began to deal with the grief of ending a close relationship, but at a deeper level
than the grief I felt a centered-ness at the core of myself. Over the next month, I
put my attention on figuring out what I wanted in a close relationship. I had been
so busy focusing on what I didn't want that I had forgotten to think positively
about what the healthy alternatives might be.

"I decided that what I most wanted was a relationship that was not about power
struggles, one that celebrated rather than avoided personal responsibility. I never
again wanted to fight about whose fault it was. If conflict arose, we would look
inside ourselves for the source, not point the finger at the other person. I wanted
someone I could work with and play with in complete harmony. I wanted
someone who was so committed to her own creativity that both of us would be
more creative in the relationship than we were on our own. I really wanted a
totally committed spiritual partner for the journey. During the next month I felt a
sense of aliveness that had been missing from my life for a while. In early January
I flew off to California to teach a workshop at a graduate school. I had taught
many workshops at this school, an innovative place where students from twenty-
five to seventy-five years old studied transpersonal psychology. As I gathered
with the group for the first time, and we formed a large circle, my attention was
drawn to one of the doctoral students in the group of perhaps fifty who were in
attendance. She was a woman in her early thirties, quite beautiful in the physical
sense. But what I most noticed was the radiant glow about her. She looked like a
combination of Earth Mother and Angel. I noticed also that she thought all my
jokes were uproariously funny. My sense of humor is an acquired taste, based as
it is on obscure references and a skewed view of the world. So I am always
interested in those people who find it amusing. They are usually in the minority in
most groups, but they are always a fascinating minority. During a break, I struck
up a conversation with her. I had decided to be unflinchingly honest in all my
relationships, so I held nothing back in my communications with her from the
very beginning. I saw by her name tag that her name was Kathlyn.

"'Hello', I said, 'I'd like to spend some time with you. You have a very pure glow
about you, and I'm very attracted to you. Would you spend some time with me?'
 145

She was taken aback somewhat by the directness of this communication, but she
quickly rose to the occasion. She agreed and offered to go get us a couple of
sandwiches at lunch break so I could do some further workshop preparation.
During lunch, I poured out the whole story of where I was in my life and my
relationship. It was important to me to have no artifice with her, nothing held
back. As it turned out, the complete candor of our early communications set a
tone of honesty in the relationship that has never wavered."

And now Kathlyn explains, in her own words, what was going on in her life and
relationships at the moment we met: "I had also been in a relationship for five
years when Gay and I met. The moment I met Gay was a moment of recognition:
I realized that another person saw the world in the same way I always had. I had
learned to disguise this way of seeing the world, out of a long history of being
misunderstood, but I secretly hoped that I would eventually meet someone who
shared my worldview.

"I developed what I now call my Chameleon persona very early in life, to adapt to
the changing circumstances when my family moved (interestingly, about every
five years) with my father's GM job. I learned to observe what was going on by
studying people's nonverbal communication. I didn't use those words then, but I
see now that I learned systems analysis very early. Being the outsider, frequently
in a new city, I learned to observe closely before acting. I remember one
humiliating experience of coming into a California school wearing the Oxfords
and pleated skirt that was the required uniform in the mid-western school I had
just left. It seemed to me that people lived in secret worlds behind elaborate
masks, and I was fascinated with what was really going on in family, school and
social situations.

"I was involved in a relationship that looked as if it was working well. We had
some conflict over the presence of my young son from a previous marriage, but
we had rich discussions about inner life, literature, and music. It was really the
masterpiece of my Supercompetent persona. I cooked wonderful meals,
decorated the house beautifully, always dressed with an eye to pleasing my
mate, carried on my private movement therapy practice, and parented. I was
Superwoman, carrying out a juggling act that I'm sure many women find familiar.

"At the same time, I felt unaccountably restless and would criticize myself for
wanting something more; there was some indefinable thing in my core that
would never shut up. It seems clear now that I had essentially decided to go it
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alone and maintain the guise of the well-adjusted woman. My deepest hungers
had always been for truth and meaning, the direct experience of life. I had even
developed a profession-movement therapy-to study the meaning hidden behind
people's words. Books, movies, meditation, and long walks provided some
nourishment, but I hadn't imagined that relationship could be a source of
enlightenment. What I had observed in my family and friends' families was a life
of rules, roles, and rituals. It was important to look good. I come from a family
where three out of five are engineers. I turned that interest in taking things apart
to see how they work toward humans, and I found it an endlessly fascinating, if
somewhat solitary, occupation.

"But I was essentially split and living in an uncomfortable, unconscious

disharmony with myself as a result. Creating the perfect dinner party didn't fix it.
Eating secretly in my car didnt heal that split, nor, remarkably, did great sex,
which was one anchor of my relationship. I was most interested in the frontiers,
in what hadn't been created yet, and when I met Gay, the frontier became reality.

"Several transformations occurred in the moment Gay and I recognized each

other. As he was looking around the circle at the first meeting of the workshop, it
may have seemed that he was assessing the group's ages, interest level, etc. I
saw with an electric start that he was looking directly at people's energy, seeing
them deeply and immediately. I had never witnessed anyone doing that,
although in recognizing his act I also saw my own previously unacknowledged
ability. As he looked at people, his seeing invited liveliness. Some people sat up,
others shrank away slightly. I saw that Gay's highest interest was life itself. My
core lit up with joy, laughter, and bubbling interest. I also thought that Gay was
the brightest, funniest man I'd ever encountered. It was as if my inner self woke
up and breathed for the first time in Gay's presence. And I could see that he
wasn't interested in my surface. He invited my true self into the light before we
even exchanged a word. It was a magical moment that formed a base for building
a new kind of relationship."

About six months after we moved in together. At the time, neither of us had
much money. Gay had been given a buzz-cut by the relentless shears of divorce,
while Kathlyn never had any money to start with. We rented a small house in
Colorado, where Gay had lived for many years. Our energy in the first year of our
relationship went into enjoying each other's company while defining our
relationship goals. We spent a great deal of time sitting on the floor of our living
 147

room, asking each other "What do you most want?" As we talked and talked and
talked, it became clear that there were six major commitments we wanted to
make to each other. Once we saw what our wants were, we could begin setting
up plans for bringing them into reality. It was an incredibly rich time for us in
psychological and spiritual ways, although it would take US another five years to
see our financial fortunes grow.

Our first want-we called them co-commitments because we reached agreement

on what we were committed to-was to have our relationship be an arena for our
psychological and spiritual growth. We wanted to define our relationship as a
major-perhaps the major-learning opportunity of our lives. We agreed that we
wanted to be close to each other and that we were willing to do whatever it took
to be close. This commitment meant that we would put the relationship above
our respective psychological quirks. We acknowledged that we both had lots of
patterns of resistance to love, going way back to childhood, and that we would
expect and even welcome these as they surfaced in our relationship. But we
committed ourselves to choosing the relationship above any of our resistances to
it.

This commitment was incredibly important in the year to come. For during that
year we saw all of our patterns come to the surface. For Gay, it had to do with the
fear of abandonment and the deep conviction that he was unlovable. For
Kathlyn, it often boiled down to her Chameleon persona and the need to sacrifice
her own needs to please those around her. There were other patterns, most of
which have faded into the mists of the past, but we dealt with them all the same
way. We told the truth about them.

Our second commitment was to tell the truth to each other, no matter what. This
commitment proved to be awesomely difficult to make good on, but somehow
we always did. Throughout our lives, both of us had become skillful at hiding our
feelings. It was a deeply ingrained habit to break, but in hundreds of experiences
in our first few years of being together, we learned the value of telling the truth.
The value, quite simply, is this: Truth produces aliveness. Concealment produces
deadness in a relationship. Later we would come to feel that a relationship only
exists where two people are telling the truth. Anything else is an entanglement.

A third commitment that became important to us was that we were both

committed to our own separate development as individuals. We wanted the
relationship to be a facilitator of our autonomy. In the past, we had felt
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constricted in our relationships, that we had been forced to stifle our individual
growth to stay in the relationship. We did not want that to happen in this new
relationship. A fourth related commitment was that we both agreed to do
whatever we could to facilitate each other's empowerment.

In our first year together we had many opportunities to notice how we did not
take complete responsibility for our lives. In many subtle ways, we would try to
blame the other person for how we felt or how things were going. For example,
we were broke a lot during our first year together. Kathlyn would blame Gay for
this state of affairs, and Gay would blame Kathlyn. Both of us had lots of good
reasons to support our positions. In Gay's opinion, Kathlyn spent too much on
food, for example, while Kathlyn thought Gay was too extravagant in matters of
entertainment. One day we woke up. We realized we were using money as a
power struggle. We sat down on the floor of the living room and talked it out. We
both saw that there was only one way out of any power struggle. Both people
have to take complete responsibility for what is going on. As long as there is the
slightest effort to find out whose fault it is, no progress can be made. Both people
must look carefully into how they are the source of the problem, rather than
using the energy to put the finger of blame on the other person. A bolt of
lightning hit us: What if we both took full responsibility for having the perfect
amount of money? What if we used the energy we were wasting through blaming
the other person to look for how we could be more prosperous? That day we
began a new, fifth, commitment, one, which has served us well ever since.
Whenever we find ourselves complaining about something, we look into
ourselves for the source, rather than looking for the source of the problem
outside ourselves. Whenever something is going on that is not to our satisfaction,
we both ask ourselves how we are contributing to the problem. This habit saves a
major amount of energy that we then can use in figuring out what we want and
how to get it.

As you may recall from last chapter, this assigning of blame is called projection.
As humans, we have a great deal of difficulty in acknowledging ourselves as the
source of the reality around us. Just as the audience gets caught up in the
flickering pictures on the screen, forgetting that the source of the image is not up
there, we get lost in our dramas and forget that we are the source of them. We
keep our problems alive by the attention we give to them, when that same
attention could be used, with a slight shift of focus, in designing something new
and better. In our own relationship, it took a great deal of discipline and practice
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to retrain ourselves to look inside for the source of the problem. It was so
tempting to see the problem in the other person! We found, much to our
humbling surprise, that it was always when we were most convinced that it was
the other person's problem that it turned out to be most clearly our own.

Our sixth commitment to each other was to have fun! We decided that, above all,
we wanted to have a good time. No one knows precisely the meaning of life, but
surely it is not to have a bad time. Lots of people manage to sit in the midst of
heavenly possibility and make a hell for themselves. We decided that, regardless
of our external circumstances, we wanted to have a good time in our relationship.
When we were not having a good time, we agreed to ask ourselves: Would we be
willing to go back to having fun? This decision has served us well through thick
and thin. When we made this commitment we lived in a rented house, drove a
VW bus, and had about five hundred dollars between us. We started having a
great time. Later, when we would get caught up in some problem or another and
forget our commitment to having a good time, we would catch ourselves and
say, ''Well, are we willing to have a good time anyway?" We found that we were
in charge of our moods, even though we could not always be in charge of our
external circumstances. We learned to have a good time with whatever was
going on, and as a result the external circumstances of our lives smoothed out.
We learned that we could re-channel the energy that we had previously put into
our problems. We put the energy into engaging in creative projects. Now we
have several luxurious homes and plenty of financial security, and we are still
having a great time.

Actually, one of the most profound learnings of that time was that it is possible to
choose to have a good time. We realized that in many of our past relationships
we had chosen to be right rather than to be happy. Seeing that happiness was a
choice instead of something that came from outside was extremely liberating. Of
course, we had to choose and re-choose to be happy hundreds of times.
Dissatisfaction was a deeply programmed habit for both of us. We both come
from families where being happy is probably one of the lowest priorities. In fact,
when we began to think about it, we both realized that we had never seen any of
our family members happy when we were growing up, except on occasions when
they had chemical assistance. So, for us, being happy all the time was a
commitment more radical than telling our families that we had become
communists, nudists, or worse, Democrats.
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Making a commitment to happiness opened us up to one of the greatest life-

changing insights of our lives. As we began to focus on happiness, we saw that
we could only tolerate it for brief moments. We would be happy, then we would
do something to bring us back down. We would criticize or worry or argue so that
we could return to a more familiar state of unhappiness. We came to call this
habit the upper-limits problem. We had a thermostat setting for how much
positive energy we could handle, and the thermostat was set embarrassingly low.
As we began to catch on to this problem we began studying carefully the
moments of feeling good and how we messed them up. As we did this we began
to catch ourselves just as we would mess up. Pretty soon we found alternatives to
the upper-limits problem, things we could do to stretch out the times of
happiness and positive energy.

Gay recalls a specific moment: "I was standing in the bedroom, looking out the
window. I felt great. Kathlyn and I were in superb rapport, I was working on an
exciting new writing project, and I was looking out the window at the splendor of
Pikes Peak. Suddenly I started worrying about my daughter, in boarding school
on the other side of the country. I pictured her being homesick. Crying in a dorm.
Perhaps she was even cold. Would she remember to wear a warm enough coat to
guard against the brutal New Hampshire winter? What about skiing? Would this
be the year she broke her leg? I came to with a start. Wait a minute!-last time I
talked to her she seemed happy and fulfilled. Why would I be running this chain
of catastrophic thoughts through my mind? I realized that it was the upper-limits
problem in action. I was using worry about a child to bring myself down. And it's
such a socially acceptable thing to do! You can always get up a good conversation
with another parent on the myriad ways children can and have messed up. That
day made a difference in my life, being the first time I had spotted so clearly one
of my interior mechanisms for making myself miserable. I asked myself: What
could I do instead of indulging in the thought? The answer that came through
was so simple it made me laugh. Go back to feeling good! So I did. I simply let
myself drop back into the feeling of happiness that had been there before I got
caught up in my thoughts. It was still there-waiting for me to tune in to it again."

Now, after taking nearly fifteen hundred couples through our therapy program,
we make a practice of having them spot their upper limits. We find that there are
three major ways that people bring themselves down when they are feeling
good. They don't feel their feelings, they don't tell the truth, and they don't keep
their agreements. Let's look at these from the negative side first, then turn them
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around into their positive alternatives. When we're feeling good it is highly likely
that some negative feeling is going to come up. Why? Because feeling good has
often been followed by some pain in our programmed past. At a recent workshop
we had people generate a list of bad things that had happened in their lives when
they were feeling good. Here are a few:

"I was masturbating ecstatically when my mother walked in. "

"I was reading and lost in a daydream when I let some food burn."
"I was riding my bike without hands for the first time when I crashed."
"My girlfriend and I would always get into a fight right after making love."
"I scored a perfect grade on a biology test, then tripped in front of the
class on the way out."

On it goes. No wonder so many of us are allergic to happiness, even though we

say we crave it more than anything. So one of the first things we learned was to
let ourselves feel whatever feelings came up when we were feeling good. We
learned to feel them, not act on them. We would be feeling great, then both of us
would be scared and start to pull back from closeness. Instead, we learned to let
ourselves feel scared. Doing this would return us to the good feeling again. And
after a while, the negative feelings quit coming up, as we accustomed our
nervous systems to handling more positive energy.

We learned that the fastest way to break through the upper limits problem was
to tell the scrupulous, moment-by-moment truth. If we were scared, we would
say "I'm scared" or "My stomach is tight." If we were angry we would say "I'm
angry." The more specific we were, the better it worked. What never worked was
to say our feelings in a way that blamed the other person. In other words, saying
something like "I'm mad because you came home late" never seemed to help. We
learned to qualify statements to something like "I'm angry, and part of me thinks
it's because you came home late." Why? Because we learned that we were never
upset for the reasons we thought we were. We would start out thinking we were
mad about the other being late, only upon deeper inquiry to realize that it was
connected to some old childhood wound. Now and then we would be unable to
find any deeper connections, but we learned never to stop looking.

As we got closer, we learned to value letting each other have room to feel all our
feelings. We learned to value telling and hearing the truth over protecting our
feelings. For example, we were driving back to the place we were staying after a
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party in California. In Gay's words, "I had talked to twenty or thirty people during
the course of the evening, but one conversation stood out. It was with a beautiful
woman in her late twenties who had a softness and intelligence that I responded
to. Even better, she had read all my books and was an enthusiastic student of the
ideas in them. We talked animatedly for twenty minutes or so, then moved on.
As Kathlyn and I were driving home, she asked me some question about the
woman and I began to stiffen inside just as I might have in my previous
relationship. This time I caught myself, however, and decided to tell the truth as
best I could. I told Kathlyn that I had felt really attracted to the woman. Kathlyn
felt hurt and scared. She told me the truth about the feelings, identifying some of
them as present-day feelings and others as old feelings from childhood. I said
that I had no intention of acting on my feelings, but I wanted to make sure she
knew about anything I was feeling. We probably talked about an hour, detailing
as many of our reactions as we could. At the end of this conversation I felt I had
broken through an age-old pattern. My old tendency would have been to get
resentful and stonewall it, relying on hostility and denial to get through the
situation. Instead I told the microscopic truth, and so did Kathlyn. The result was
that we felt closer than ever. We had learned that we could have the space to feel
whatever we felt with the other person. We did not have to conceal our feelings
or numb them out. We could be all of who we were with the other person.

Keeping agreements became an important learning for us. We discovered

numerous examples, many quite trivial on the surface, where we used breaking
an agreement as a way of taking the edge off our happiness. For example, we
would be feeling great and close to each other, then one of us would "forget" to
do something we had agreed to do. Gay would agree to take the trash out, then
fail to do it so that we would miss the pick-up day. On another occasion, we were
feeling very close and had been for several days. Kathlyn went out to buy
groceries and got stopped by a policeman for having an out-of-date inspection
sticker. She had agreed to take care of this detail a couple of weeks before.
Needless to say, it brought her down from her state of positive energy, not the
least because he impounded the car on the spot.

We began to see that the process of these upper-limits problems was much more
important than the content. We began to regard them all as ways we limited our
positive energy. It became clear to us that the Upper Limits Problem was the only
one we really needed to pay attention to. In other words, we were either having a
good time, or we were doing some kind of upper-limits number on ourselves. We
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caught ourselves hundreds of times in subtle ways of bringing ourselves down.

We would be happy and close, then we would eat a bunch of ice cream and feel
miserable.

We would make passionate love, then get miffed at each other for some trivial
offense. We must have studied the upper-limits problem for at least two years
before we mastered the art of staying in positive energy all the time. Now, after
over a decade's practice, we very seldom bring ourselves down anymore. We
notice the early warning signs of an approaching upper-limits problem and talk
about it before it becomes full-blown.

We have found that taking good care of mind, body, and spirit helps smooth out
the up-and-down cycles of positive energy. Our day looks something like this: We
get up between six and seven, then spend about fifteen minutes stretching and
doing a set of floor exercises we have developed. We meditate for about half an
hour, using the TM practice we have been doing for nearly twenty years. We have
breakfast-usually fruit for Gay and cereal for Kathlyn then we both go to our
respective studios for an hour or two of writing. We have identical Macintosh LC's
so that our computers can communicate easily. Kathlyn begins seeing therapy
clients later in the morning, continuing through the day until about seven o'clock
in the evening. Gay only sees clients two afternoons a week, spending several
days at the university where he teaches graduate students in a therapy program.
In the evening we meditate for another half hour before dinner. Three days a
week we work out for an hour at our local health club, doing the cardiovascular
bikes and rowing machines, a weight machine called the Gravitron and a round of
Nautilus. We also have a small gym in our house, so we can get an hour of
exercise on bad-weather days when we don't want to go out.

If anyone had told us twenty years ago what it would take to stay in shape in
middle age, we would never have believed it. We find that we have to make
happiness and health our top priorities. We used to think of things like
meditating and exercise as luxuries, things we did if we had time. Now we put
those things first because we find that we get a lot more done if we harmonize
our minds and bodies on a daily basis. Both of us are recovering sweets junkies,
so we really have to watch our diets carefully. Neither of us has ever been a
drinker, so alcohol consumption has not needed modification, but we have found
that we have changed our diets completely. Nowadays we eat primarily fruit,
vegetables, and whole grains. Twenty years ago a day's feeding always included
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meat and sweets, usually ice cream. Now, we think of these kinds of foods as
occasional items, sometimes only once or twice a year. As a result we feel better
than we ever imagined possible. To feel infinitely better in our mid-forties than
we did in our mid-twenties is a remarkable achievement to us.

So many couples who come to us for counseling have not chosen to make
happiness and creativity top priorities. Their priorities are things like:

Being right
Making the partner wrong
Judging, criticizing, and faultfinding

It is simply a matter of priorities. You get whatever you put first. One of our
biggest learnings is that the universe always says yes. If you value being right
over being happy, the universe is happy to oblige you. We have not found that
people are generally maliciously attached to their incorrect priorities; it is simply
that they have not learned a better way. Often we see people seem to wake up
when they see the possibility of setting happiness and creativity as their top
priorities in their close relationships. Things like being right and faultfinding have
a seductive quality to them; people frequently use them like a drug. It is very
heartening to watch couples reorganize their priorities toward choosing
happiness and creativity. One of the greatest pleasures life has to offer therapists
is being with people as they change right before our eyes.

In our own relationship, we have definitely learned that we get what we ask for.
One of the central tasks of our lives is to ask ourselves ''What do we want?" on an
ongoing basis. Usually we set aside a formal time for doing this at the beginning
of each year. During this time we devote an hour a day to working on our goals
for our relationship. We post the goals in a public place, so that we and our staff
can see them on a daily basis. We want our family and staff to know what we
want as a couple so that we can get their support. We monitor our goals
constantly, making additions and subtractions as we clarify what we are about.

No one exists in a vacuum. People in close relationships need to cultivate support

systems for achieving the goals they want. We have cultivated a network of
people who are working toward goals similar to ours. We socialize with those
people, talk to them often, and do our best to support each other in reaching for
what we most want. We and they have all done the activities that you will have
the opportunity to do in the second half of this book. We urge you to carry out
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the activities thoroughly and thoughtfully. Only by putting these ideas to work
for you can you really expect to make a difference in your relationships and the
world. In our own relationship, we choose to do these kinds of activities because
we have seen the power of choice. We hope you will discover and keep
rediscovering that you have everything you need to transform your close
relationships. Choose to do the work, and we predict you will be amazed by the
results.

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Part Two
THE WORKBOOK:
YOUR MANUAL
FOR TRANSFORMING
YOUR CLOSE
RELATIONSHIP

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Introduction

The following activities present an opportunity to effect a meaningful

transformation of how you do relationships. The skills you will learn are simple
but very powerful. We invite you to work diligently on these processes for as long
as it takes you to complete them. One couple worked for six months on just one
of the activities before they completed it to their satisfaction! Others have
worked on one for ten minutes and felt they'd mastered it. The important thing is
to complete each activity assignment, however long it takes.

There was a survey done some years ago with the graduating class of Yale
University. Obviously these were all bright people, and many of them came from
prosperous backgrounds. In the survey it was found that 3 percent had taken the
time to do something quite simple, while 97 percent had not. Several decades
later the survey was repeated with the surviving members of the class. It was
found that this same 3 percent of the group was now worth more money than the
other 97 percent put together! What was this simple thing that the 3 percent did?
They had taken the time to write down their goals for their lives. Many of them
had worked out their goals in less than an hour's time, but all had done it. We
were impressed when we saw this study, because it supported what we had
found as therapists. Couples who actually did their homework-the assignments
we gave them between sessions-made rapid progress. Those who didn't stayed
stuck.
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Consider yourself exhorted, therefore, to sharpen your intentions and your pencil
and go to work.* We have benefited from these activities, and we have seen
thousands of others grow from doing them. And remember, it is possible to learn
and have a good time simultaneously. In other words, enjoy!

Three Places to Look for What is

Troubling Your Relationship

You may have picked up this book because you want to enhance your thriving
relationship. If so, welcome. We are vitally interested in the outer limits of co-
creativity in relationship and have some activities especially for you in the last
chapter. Most couples who come to us do so because they feel stuck and are
looking for some guidelines to get unstuck. In our work over the past twenty-
some years, we have noticed that skills in a trio of areas-truth, feelings,
agreements-determine whether the relationship has a foundation for growth.
When a relationship is in trouble, we look to these three areas first and ask:

*For some of the activities you'll each need a notebook or journal to record
explorations. We'd also encourage you to set aside a quiet, uninterrupted time to
learn in

1. What truth is not being spoken here?

2. What feelings are not being experienced here?
3. What agreements have been broken here?

These seemingly simple questions reveal the core problems in the relationship.
When these problems are resolved, entanglements can evolve into enlightening
relationships. Note that the following activities also are divided into these three
categories of truth, feelings, and agreements.

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CHAPTER FOUR

The Activities

ASSESSING YOUR INTIMACY LEVEL

In our workshops and seminars we have discovered that people appreciate a

method for determining the current condition of their relationships. We have
developed three checklists that help people determine the present truth of the
matter. One will help you assess the degree to which your relationship is
entangled. The second focuses on the nonverbal signs of entanglement. The
third assesses the current potential for enlightening relationship. Take a few
minutes to check the statements that are true for you.

The Entanglements Checklist

___In spite of my best efforts, people around me do not change their bad habits.

___I do not let myself feel the full range of my feelings. I am out of touch with at
least one core emotion, such as anger, fear, or sadness.

___Anger is a particular problem for me, both to recognize and to express to

others.

___I have difficulty allowing others to feel their feelings. If someone feels bad, I
tend to rush in to make it better.

___I often think my partner's upsets and strong feelings are my fault.

___I worry about other people's feelings frequently.

___I have secrets, things I have done and not done that I am hiding from another
person.
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___I criticize or get criticized frequently.

___My strong internal critic nags me and keeps me feeling bad even in times
when I could be feeling good, successful, and loving.

___I try to control other people to make them behave and feel certain ways.

___I spend a lot of time and energy being controlled or avoiding being controlled
by others.

___My arguments tend to recycle, and one or the other of us often apologizes
and promises to do better.

___It is very important to find out who's at fault in an argument and who is right
or wrong.

___In arguments, I find myself pleading victim or agreeing that it was my fault.

___I often agree to do things I don't really want to do, feel bad about it, but keep
silent.

___People often don't keep their agreements with me.

___I feel worried and uncomfortable when my partner moves away.

___Arguments often feel like life-or-death issues.

___I find myself withholding things from or lying to my partner.

___I desperately want my partner's approval.

The Nonverbal Signs of Entanglement

___My partner's sense of time is a real problem for me. When we're getting ready
to go somewhere s/he is always

(a) too fast.

(b) too slow.

___ I get smaller when my partner is around.

___We seem to frequently get in each other's way.

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___ I fidget when my partner is talking.

___After an evening together with my partner, my body feels tense.

___ One or the other of us seems to be sick all the time.

___ I find myself yawning frequently or short of breath around my partner.

___ My eyes wander when I'm talking with my partner.

___ I'm afraid I'm too much, that I'll bowl my partner over.

___ It's really important to me to have my space, and I worry that my partner is
getting too close.

___I freeze up during sex.

___I notice I try to make myself bigger when we have a disagreement.

___I don't like my partner's rhythm in making decisions, but I often don't say
anything.

The Enlightening Relationships Checklist

___I know that I am 100 percent responsible for myself and for creating what is
occurring in my relationship.

___I support my partner in being 100 percent responsible for him/herself.

___My relationship is an ongoing catalyst for my growth and creativity.

___I can tell my partner anything.

___My partner and I support each other through our deepest feelings. It's fine for
my partner to feel the whole range of feelings.

___I feel transparent with my partner and willing to be fully seen.

___ We have inspiring, ongoing fun most of the time.

___I feel connected with my partner whether we are together or not.

___I enjoy both times apart from my partner and times of close intimacy.
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___ My communication closely matches my experience.

___ It is possible for both my partner and me to have what we want.

___I look for unconscious patterns as they emerge and am willing to resolve
them.

___I hold myself and my partner in the highest regard

___I notice I don't change my behavior around my partner to please him or her.

___When we encounter problems, my intention is to take 100 percent responsibility,

tell the unarguable truth, and to clear up the problem.

___I experience more and more creativity and productivity in my life.

___My partner is my equal.

___I can easily discern what I'm feeling and what I want, even if it's different from
what other people feel or want.

___People keep their agreements with me, and my interactions with others flow
smoothly.

___I am the source of my own value and approval.

THE F UNDAMENTAL C OMMUNICATION A CTIVITIES


The central communication skill in close relationship is telling the truth. There are
many benefits from being able to tell the bottom line truth to your partner. First,
it increases liveliness in each partner and in the relationship. Clear, truthful
communication opens a deeper flow of intimacy and love. Second, clear
communication that sticks to basic sensations and individual experience stops
projection.

Almost all couples who come to us for counseling complain about their lack of
communication. We commonly hear, "Either s/he doesn't understand me, or
we don't talk at all." We find that individuals have developed their own private
language, a shorthand communication style that they understand perfectly and
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are bewildered if their partner doesn't. For example, Fred may complain, "You
know, I just get a little weird at the end of work projects. Carol should just roll
with that." Carol may wonder if Fred grow extra body hair and prowls at night
when he gets "weird," especially if she's supposed to "roll with that.

We have identified some basic truth skills that greatly enhance the quality of
couples' communication. When we talk about telling the truth, we are referring
to the ability to communicate the details of what is going on in any given
moment in a way that doesn't blame anyone else. In our book Conscious Loving
we call this skill the microscopic truth because it is a way of seeing and expressing
experience that is descriptive and specific rather than interpretive and vague.

Another essential truth-telling skill is taking responsibility to communicate until

the other person comprehends your words and your intention. Many people have
settled into verbal generalizations such as okay, fine, pressured, nice, better,
uptight, etc. These words may be somewhat clear to the speaker but a foreign
language to the listener. The assumption that your partner should "just know"
what you mean can create unnecessary distance.

Some people are communication victims. They wait for their partners to bring up
an issue or topic, then reluctantly respond in a put-upon or passive style. A
creative and responsible approach to communication is based on finding the
truth, not waiting until it's dragged out of you. For example, when Dan and Judy
came for therapy in the midst of a crisis, her main complaint was, "I always bring
up things to talk about. Dan was worried about his job for three months before I
knew anything about it!" Dan's response: 'Well, you never asked ..."

A common communication problem we hear is, "I don't know what the truth is. Is
the truth what I'm feeling, or what I think my partner is ready to hear? Don't I
have a responsibility to be sensitive to my partner's feelings?" Many of the
activities in this book are designed to identify the body sensations associated
with experiencing and expressing the truth as distinct from the body sensations
associated with withholding it. From an internal ground of knowing when you are
in touch with the truth and when you are withholding, you'll discover that finding
the right time for the truth sorts itself out. If you are willing and ready to tell the
truth all the time, many of the obstacles to open communication simply
disappear.
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The most demanding aspect of clear communication is maintaining it in times of

conflict and upset, when you are what one man described as "being wedged
between a rock and a hard place." If you practice these communication activities
over time when conflict is not present, you'll establish some new energy tracks
for the stuck times, when most of us tend to revert to familiar patterns.

Truth Telling

These exercises are designed to ground partners at a level of communication that

creates closeness and trust rather than confusion i and misunderstanding. The
criteria for success are: Does this communication stop arguments? Does it
increase my sense of aliveness? If not, keep exploring and communicating more
basic truths until arguments cease and you both feel lively.

STEP ONE

Telling the Truth

INSTRUCTIONS:

Turn toward each other, make eye contact, and take turns doing your best to tell
the truth. Start simply, with things that absolutely can't be argued about. Each
person say something that is true, then Ping-Pong back and forth for two to five
minutes.

EXAMPLE:

Bob: I feel my nose itching.

Marie: I hear this phrase over and over in my head: "Hurry up, you're not doing
this right."
Bob: My shoulders are tense.
Marie: I feel sad.
Bob: I look at you, then want to look away.

Here's an example of what this exercise is not about:

Bob: I feel like you're mad at me today.
Marie: You're the one who looks mad.
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Bob: The truth is you look kind of down today; you're slouching again.
Marie: I hate it when you criticize me.
Bob: I'm just sharing what's true for me!

STEP TWO

Telling the Truth About Body Experience

Being aware of what is actually occurring is the basis for learning to tell the truth.
Many people come to us with the complaint that they have no idea how to tell
what is true and what isn't. Years of responding to family roles and societal
expectations separate most people from the awareness necessary to discern the
truth. We find that this simple activity forms the bottom-line foundation for
couples to build a knowledge of unarguable truth.

INSTRUCTIONS:

In an exchange, like a Ping-Pong game, each of you take a moment to notice

your body sensations, then take turns describing your experience as specifically
as possible. If decision making is an issue for you both, toss a coin to decide who
will be Partner A and who will be Partner B. Partner A, close your eyes for a
moment and take two full, relaxed breaths. Notice any body sensations from
your lower belly to your upper chest. Now open your eyes and describe your
experience to your partner as specifically as you can. When you have finished,
Partner B, take a turn. Ping-Pong back and forth for several minutes.

EXAMPLE:

Jane: I feel a tugging sensation behind my sternum.

Tony: I notice myself slouching, and my chest feels heavy.

Jane: I have butterfly feelings in my stomach.
Tony: I notice a bubbling sensation, like champagne bubbles, up the whole front
of my torso.

DISCUSSION:

Partners sometimes turn to us after doing this activity and ask, ''What do
bubbling sensations have to do with this crisis in our relationship?" After assisting
thousands of people to communicate at this level, we have learned that body
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sensation is the foundation for knowing what is true. We don't stop with that
level of awareness, but we find it a solid floor on which to build a more intricate
exchange of the truth. When couples come in, the conflict is usually muddied by
years of generalizations, judgments, and misunderstanding. As people practice
this basic skill, they usually find that they can sort out what is really happening
much more quickly and in a more friendly fashion.

STEP THREE

Telling the Truth About Inner Experience

INSTRUCTIONS:

Using the same format as in Step Two, expand your awareness to include inner
voices, images, and specific thoughts. Begin with Partner B this time. Close your
eyes and let your awareness turn inward. Notice any inner experience as you take
two relaxed, full breaths. Now gently open your eyes and share your experience
with your partner. Switch roles and repeat five to eight times. Do your best to
focus on just your inner experience, describing it to your partner.

Continue turning inward and then describing your experience to your partner.
Include your awareness of and responses to your partner's sharing as you
experience it inside.

EXAMPLE:

Jane: [after closing eyes and turning attention inward] I'm aware of a slight burning
sensation around my eyes and the image of the sun coming up.
Tony: I feel myself wanting to lean toward you, but I start to hold my breath.
Jane: Tears are starting to form at the corners of my eyes, and my hands feel
clenched.
Tony: I just heard a voice inside say, ''Watch out. Women just want to get their
clutches on you."
Jane: [crying now] I see the image of a balloon deflating. I think I'm disappointed. I
hear my father's voice saying, "Don't get your hopes up."

DISCUSSION:

The central question for most people in close relationships is, "Can I be me and
still be with my partner?" We can learn the crucial skill of honoring our experience
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and hearing our partner. This activity is designed to differentiate your experience
from your partner's so that you can blend your experiences and awareness and
your partner's while maintaining an awareness of yourself The ability to be
present to our experience while in the company of another person, especially a
romantic partner, is at the heart of building an enlightening relationship. In our
seminars, we hear over and over, "I'm really in touch with myself until s/he comes
in and asks me for something; then I completely forget to check in with how I'm
feeling." If we can't focus inwardly on ourselves we tend to look outside for
anchors or direction. This puts us behind the eight ball, subject to any strong
fluctuations of mood and energy around us. If we cannot easily focus attention
outward, it is difficult to make genuine contact and create intimacy.

STEP FOUR

Telling the Truth in the Moment

This activity expands the flow of awareness to include the environment as well
as your partner. It builds on the skills you've learned in the previous activities to
respond to the context and the present moment.

INSTRUCTIONS:
Decide who will be Partner A and who will be Partner B. Partner A, first turn
your awareness inward toward yourself. Keep your eyes open during this activity.
Describe your sensations, thoughts, and images out loud. Then focus on your
partner and the surrounding environment and describe out loud just what you
notice. Then switch roles. Each of you alternate describing your inward and
outward perceptions three times.

EXAMPLE:
Jane: When I tune inward, I notice the thing I'm calling disappointment is
actually sadness, a yearning, reaching-out feeling in my chest and arms. When I
focus outward, the room seems really big to me, and you seem far away.
Tony: My stomach is contracting into a little ball. I feel restless in my legs. This
is familiar. W hen I turn my attention to the outside, I notice the colors
seem very bright, and you look sad.
Jane: I feel a rush of warmth in my chest hearing that. My arms let go. When I
look at you, I'm aware of your height. I realize I depend on you to kind of hold
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me up in life.
Tony: My leg jiggling is slowing down, and my stomach feels like it has a
little more space. When I focus outward, I feel connected to you. It's almost
like a big bubble that we're both inside. You know, my father was always
heading out the door when my mom needed help with us kids. I would like to
learn to be here when you feel sad or need something, instead of
automatically withdrawing.

STEP FIVE

Telling the Truth about Feelings

The purpose of this activity is to give you a sense of your current ease or difficulty
in experiencing and expressing your feelings with your partner. If you find that
you can communicate your feelings in the same tone of voice that you would if
you were giving someone the time of day, you are a feelings graduate and
probably have no charge on any particular feelings. This is rare. If you don't have
such a friendly experience of your emotions, the section on sorting feelings may
be especially useful for you.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Part One: Using your journal, take several minutes to complete the following
sentences. Jot down what you first notice. There is no right or wrong answer
here, just what is true for you:

When I feel sad, the body sensations I notice are _________________________.

When I feel angry, the body sensations I notice are _______________________.

When I feel scared, the body sensations I notice are ______________________.

When I feel sexually aroused, the body sensations I notice are ______________.

When I feel ashamed, the body sensations I notice are _____________________.

When I am sad, I want to ____________________________.

When I am angry, I want to __________________________.

When I am scared, I want to _________________________.

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When I am sexually aroused, I want to _________________.

When I am ashamed, I want to ______________________.

The feeling I hide most is ______________________.

The feeling that is most confusing for me is ______________________.

I am still sad about ______________________.

I am still angry about ______________________.

I am still afraid of ______________________.

I still have sexual feelings about ______________________.

I am still ashamed of ______________________.

Part Two: Stand facing your partner and maintain eye contact. Decide who will be
Partner A and who Partner B. Take turns saying each of the following sentences.
Partner A will begin. Say the first sentence, then pause for two long, slow breaths
and notice your thoughts and body sensations. Then Partner B says the same
sentence, pausing to notice for two slow breaths. Continue through the whole
list. When you come to a sentence with a blank, say whatever emerges first,
without rehearsal. Participants in this activity have noticed a strong temptation
to do other things besides just saying the sentence and breathing. Here are some
examples of things people have felt compelled to do:

Interrupt the speaker to give their version

Tell a story about that feeling
Give their life history
Edit their partner
Criticize their partner's delivery

Please notice if you feel drawn toward these responses, or others, and do your
best just to say the sentence, breathe, and notice.

Im afraid of abandonment.
Im afraid of being alone.
Im afraid of being engulfed.
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Im afraid of dying.
Im afraid of losing control.
Im afraid of getting old.
Im afraid of being poor.
Im afraid of ______________________.
Im angry about injustice.
Im angry about how I was treated by ______________________.
Im angry about ______________________.
Im sad about the way things were.
Im sad about what happened with ______________________.
Im sad about ______________________ dying.
Im sad about______________________.

DISCUSSION:

Expressing and sharing our feelings is one of the most healing aspects of an
intimate relationship. When the flow of feelings is open and clear, a balance of
harmony and purpose is easily maintained. When feelings are withheld, the
relationship flounders. Partners in close relationship need to know that feelings
are like blood; they circulate through us all the time. If we are able to recognize
our feelings and tell the truth about them, physical, emotional, and relationship
health follow.

STEP SIX

Telling the Truth About the Past

INSTRUCTIONS:

Part One: Each of you take your journal and write without stopping for ten
minutes. Focus on any issues, feelings, or events from the past that have kept
coming up in your awareness. You might write about secrets, disappointments,
things that you have left incomplete, or anything in your relationship that keeps
re-circulating inside. As you are writing, let yourself express both your thoughts
and images, as well as the body sensations and emotions that come up in
connection with these issues. Use a timer so you won't have to focus on the clock.
 171

Part Two: Each of you take a few minutes to rest and notice your responses to
writing. Sometimes people notice that this process releases emotions that have
been hidden.

Now, decide who will be the communicator and who the listener. Listener, your
job is to open your senses fully to your partner's communication, trying on his/her
experience as if it were your own. While s/he is speaking, don't interrupt.
Communicator, for three minutes share whatever is true for you about your
journal exploration. Do you best to stay with your sensations, thoughts, and
feelings as you keep returning to what is true. Your communication mayor may
not have anything to do with your partner. After three minutes, switch roles.
Listener, just focus on receiving your partner's communication without
interruption. When each of you has shared, take a few minutes to breathe
relaxed, full, connected breaths into your belly before returning to your normal
activities.

DISCUSSION:

The research of James Pennebaker has demonstrated powerfully the benefit of

sharing past traumas and hurts, especially those that have been hidden. His
studies have focused on the dramatic health improvement that telling the truth
provides. In our work with couples, we have found that the health of the
relationship takes a huge leap when partners share traumas that still linger in
their awareness. Interestingly, one of Pennebaker's findings is that, while the
people who participate in his studies and write about their traumas often feel
more emotionally upset when finished, at the same time, their overall health
improves immediately. Don't be surprised if you experience more feelings after
this activity. That is part of the unwinding process. Most people quickly
experience increased harmony, both inside themselves and in the relationship.

The Aliveness Experiment

This activity is designed to explore and contrast telling the truth and withholding
the truth. Its simple structure may allow you to feel this difference in your body,
to give you a clear distinction between the physical sensations of revealing and
concealing.

INSTRUCTIONS:
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Decide who will be the first explorer and who will be the first witness. Stand
facing your partner and make eye contact. As you begin, each notice the basic
level of your aliveness. Notice how awake or sleepy, tense or relaxed you are.
Mentally file that information away for later comparison. Witness, you will keep
noticing your experience and noticing your partner as you do your best to be with
your partner.

Now, explorer, take a moment or two to turn your awareness inside until you
locate a sensation that you are experiencing, for example, pressure at your
temples or tight shoulders. Get ready to describe this out loud to the witness, but
don't. Let that experience go, or file it away somewhere in yourself, and turn your
awareness inside until you locate another sensation. Get ready to describe it out
loud, but don't say anything. Repeat the experience of locating a sensation,
getting ready to communicate it, then withholding five times.

Next, locate another physical sensation and get ready to describe it, but don't.
Instead, hold your breath for a moment. Then shake off that experience. Repeat
this process five times. Take a moment to notice the level of your aliveness now
as compared to at the beginning of this activity. After you have taken the time to
notice, switch roles.

Now, first explorer, turn your attention inward until you notice a sensation, then
describe it as specifically as you can to your partner (the witness). Describe its
qualities, shape, size, texture, weight, motion, and anything else about the
sensation you notice. When you feel your description is complete, turn your
attention inward again and locate another sensation. Tell the truth about it to
your partner. Repeat this process five times; notice the level of your aliveness.
After a moment or two, again switch roles.

VARIATIONS:

Tune in until you become aware of your current emotion, then hide it. Contrast
five times of doing that with locating an emotion and sharing it.

Start to reach out to your partner, then pull back. After repeating that several
times, reach out and complete the motion with a hug or touch. Contrast the
sensations.

DISCUSSION:
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Learning by contrast is a powerful and direct method of promoting growth. This

activity uses the natural oscillation of opposing forces to demonstrate opposite
ends of a spectrum. Some people learn best by simply moving forward in the
desired direction. Others seem to grow most by pushing against a base or
backing up before moving forward. Learning by contrast allows us to see and
experience both sides of a process. Some of our clients love this activity; others
describe it as torture. If you love it, you may wish to use the principle of learning
by contrast in the rest of your life. Let your self fully experience what is currently
true before you move into something new. It's like bending almost to the ground
before leaping; some people can get very high that way.

Sorting Feelings

In our relationship seminars and couples therapy work, we have noticed that
many people get snagged when communicating feelings. Most of us either never
learned, or learned faulty feeling models that we carry into other relationships.
One faulty model in communication is confusing thoughts with feelings. When
people haven't learned to tell the difference between mental and emotional
processes, they may use phrases similar to the following:

"I think I'm scared of you."

"I feel that you're not spending enough time with me."
"My feeling is that you're being a jerk."
"Logically these tears don't make any sense."

Another feeling problem encountered by many people is telling one emotion

from another. In our culture it is much more acceptable for men to feel anger
than sadness, and we've noticed that many men have trouble making the
distinction between those feelings. Men learn to let anger emerge under stress,
but the anger often covers other emotions. For example, a man may bellow at his
wife when he's actually sad about the situation. Women, in contrast, have
learned to express sadness more readily than anger. We count it a success in
therapy when the man contacts his sadness directly and the woman learns to feel
and express anger in a straight forward way. Other emotions get muddied up for
many people. Anger can get mixed up with fear or sexual feelings. Fear can be
covered with the armor of aggressive anger. It can be very confusing to see your
 174

partner crying and to know in your gut that she's angry. Or to bring up a scary
subject and have your husband explode. No wonder many couples avoid deep
feelings altogether.

Did your education include even an hour exploring the range of human
emotions? For a brief time in the 1960s and 1970s, some classes sat in a circle on
the floor and shared experiences of feelings and explored how to communicate
them clearly and in a friendly way. Most of us, however, got our feeling education
at home, from the media, and from friends. This informal education is often
vague and complicated by the family rules about what feelings are allowed to be
expressed, when, and by whom. For example, in one family only Dad can be
angry, and everyone is conditioned to placate him. In another family intense
feelings are not allowed at all. The message is, "Go to your room until you can be
nice."

If we have not been allowed to explore and express the range of possible feelings
that humans experience constantly, we often disconnect from the tangible and
distinct sensations that feelings produce in the body. The most common
complaint we hear in therapy is, "I don't know what I'm feeling." If you bring a
feeling starved background into your relationship, the interactions can look like
two people searching for a needle in a pitch-dark room. \ Beginning feeling
communications between partners often sound I like this: .7 "

"I've been kind of uptight today-I don't know why."

"Geez, I'd like to be more relaxed, but I don't feel anything but tense
below my neck. And my neck! A block."
"Mary breaks into tears a lot when I try to tell her something, I don't know
what that means, and I usually just shut up."
"When you get tight-lipped like that, I think you're angry."
"I'm not angry. I'm just trying to stay out of your way."

Each of our primary emotions creates body sensations and distinct energy tracks
through the body. We use the following chart of feelings and their corresponding
body sensations to help partners identify and clarify their emotional experience.

 175

EMOTION BODY LOCATION POSSIBLE SENSATIONS

Sadness throat lump, narrowing

Chest pressure, aching

belly empty

Anger back of neck ropes of tension, lumps

head throbbing temples, clenched

jaw

shoulders drawn in tight, blocky

arms and hands held back, curled

Fear belly area butterflies, fluttering,

clutching, heavy ball

head and face dizziness

chest, throat shortness of breath

face tension around eyes, mouth;

mouth dry

Sexual feelings genitals streaming, fullness

lower belly good achy

front of body warmth

Joy chest area spacious, expansive

eyes glowing, clarity

front of body bubbling, giggly inside

 176

Take a few moments here to do a short feelings assessment. Use this chart to
explore your most recent experiences of sadness, anger, fear, sexual feelings, and
joy in terms of the body areas and possible sensations we suggest. Do you have
similar sensations, or are your experiences very different? Jot down your own
body sensations. Recall the last time you experienced each emotion, and
describe your sensations and their locations.

EMOTION BODY LOCATION SENSATIONS

Sadness _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

Anger _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

Fear _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

Sexual Feelings _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

Joy _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

__________________ _________________________ __________________________________________

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Now reflecting on your emotional experiences, answer the following questions:

Do you favor certain emotions and rarely experience others? _______________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Which emotions do you find the easiest to express clearly? _________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Most difficult? __________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Which emotions are easiest to be with when your partner experiences them?
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Most difficult? __________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Do you experience and express your emotions differently when alone than you
do when your partner is present?

Describe the differences. ______________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Is anything about your emotional experience and expression familiar? Did you
learn it from someone?
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Would you be willing to experience and express all your emotions in a friendly
way? ____________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________
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Another major feeling problem in couples' communication is thinking that we

have to do something when feelings occur. Partners often interrupt each other's
feeling cycles and rush in to rescue and soothe, launch into their own incomplete
feeling expressions, or engage in other ineffective strategies when deep
emotions surface. We need to understand that the best thing to do with feelings
is feel them. Each feeling is like a rainstorm. If we just participate and breathe
through them, feelings pass through, leaving a cleansed, open space behind. In
contrast, if we stop a feeling cycle, those experiences and sensations don't
disappear. They dam up in the body and create all sorts of dis-ease in the
individual and in the relationship.

We think it's useful to separate the primary emotions and secondary feelings,
rather like colors in a paint palette. The ability to sort out combinations of
primary emotions makes their experience more friendly and their expression
clearer. People tell us they feel empowered by knowing these distinctions rather
than overwhelmed by the interlock of several muddied primary emotions. For
example, one man discovered that his guilt about an affair covered the deeper
experience of anger at his wife's lack of emotional responsiveness and fear that
she would abandon him. He was totally unaware of those distinctions until he
sorted out the feelings mixed up in guilt.

Take a look at the following diagram and notice that we have distinguished
between primary emotions and experiences that are combinations of primary
emotions. For example, some people consider guilt an emotion. Guilt is a
combination of fear and anger in different proportions. The secondary feelings in
the diagram are the ones that show up most often in relationships. There may be
others that you experience or know. Feel free to add to the palette.
 179

1. Think of the last time you felt guilty. Remember as much as you can. Notice
your anger zone in your body.

What were you angry

about?______________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Now pay attention to your fear zone in your body. Did you have fear sensations
about this incident? What were you scared about?
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Notice the different sensations and internal experiences that come with each of
these feelings, and notice how they combine in you when you feel guilty. For
 180

example, are you primarily scared and a little angry, or primarily angry and a little
scared? Let your body experience tell you.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Think of the last time you felt ashamed. Let your re-experiencing be vivid. Pay
attention to your fear zone and notice your body experience. What are you afraid
of?
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Now turn your attention to the body areas where you experience sadness. Are
you feeling sad? Ask yourself what you are sad about and notice how your mind
and body respond.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Notice the different sensations and thoughts that come with the experience of
shame and how they combine for you. Is fear or sadness most pronounced?
Notice what your body tells you.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

3. Now remember a recent time when you experienced jealousy. Scan your mind
and body and notice specific thoughts and sensations that occur with jealousy.

Check the body locations where you experience sadness. Are you sad? Ask
yourself what you are sad about and note down your responses and sensations.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Notice your anger zone. Are you angry? Ask yourself what you are angry about
and notice your thoughts and

sensations.______________________________________________________________________________
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___________________________________________________________________________________________

Now check your fear zone for specific sensations that let you know you're scared.
Notice how much fear is present and ask yourself : What you are afraid of.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

What proportion is each of these primary emotions in your experience of

jealousy? Is fear, anger, or sadness predominant? Do these proportions change if
you're jealous in your relationship rather than with another person outside it?
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

4. Last, let's look at boredom, a secondary feeling that people rarely examine.
Boredom can be a rich source of discovery once we've sorted the primary
emotions that make up the exquisitely numbing experience we call boredom.
Remember as vividly as you can a recent experience of boredom. See , feel , and
notice everything you can about it.

Tune in to your anger zone and notice any sensations of anger that are present,
however dim. Note down what you sense and any anger thoughts.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Scan the places where you experience fear in your body. Are you afraid? Ask
what you are afraid of and note down what you notice.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

And now notice how anger and fear are mixed in your experience of boredom.
Which primary emotion is most noticeable? Do you experience either anger or
fear hiding the other?
___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________
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Make some time now or later to share your discoveries with your partner.
Couples who have gained some skill at sorting feelings tell us that exhilaration
and lightness take the place of the heavy pull of un-experienced feelings. To be
able to know what you are feeling is an important step to communicating dearly
in relationship.

The Feeling Inquiry

This exercise was inspired by the memory of interactions with our son Chris when
he was three and four years old. I (Kathlyn) had been practicing sharing my
feelings with Chris regularly to help him distinguish events that involved him and
events that had nothing to do with him. For example, I would say, "I'm feeling
irritated today, and it has nothing to do with you. I love you and want you to keep
having a good time." Or, "I am irritated with you this morning. I don't want you to
pull the cat's tail anymore." Over time, Chris began initiating feeling discussions.
He would ask, "Mom, are you sad today?" or, "Mr. Gunnar [his preschool teacher]
seems really angry all the time. Doesn't he like kids?" These questions, innocently
asked, gave me a tremendous opportunity to be more conscious of feelings and
the impact of unexpressed feelings in our lives. This activity is designed to
distinguish our feelings from our partner's and to spot the feelings that we have
trouble owning so we can stop the cycle of projection.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Decide who will be Partner A and who will be Partner B. Partner A will be the
creator and Partner B the responder. Partner A will enact the following list of
feelings, and Partner B will share his/her response to each item out loud. Partner
A, do your best to use your whole body and voice to make each feeling larger
than life. Exaggeration can often bring hidden responses out of the shadows.
Take a couple of deep, relaxed breaths after each feeling and shake it off before
moving on to the next. Partner B, tune in to your truthful response to each
feeling and share that out loud before Partner A moves on to the next feeling.

Partner A, take a few minutes to let yourself look and sound

Sad..and Partner B, tell the truth about your response.

Fearful.. Remain looking fearful while Partner B shares.
 183

Annoyed.. Do you best to hold an annoyed posture until Partner B

shares.
Really happy..Partner B, you may be surprised at your response to
this feeling.
Hesitant..Exaggerate this slightly fearful feeling until Partner B
responds.
Enraged..Hold your most extreme posture while Partner B tunes in
and speaks.
Ashamed..Remember a shameful incident and hold that feeling until
B is through.
Sexy..Think of something sexy and do your best to show sexiness.
Serene..Recall a harmonious event and exaggerate the feeling.
Sad.."I can feel myself wanting to take care of you. I can't stand
people being sad, and I want to reach out, to do almost anything to
make it better."
Fearful.."I don't have much response to this one. I can see you being
afraid, but it seems easy to tolerate. It's okay for you to be afraid."
Annoyed.."I'm getting mad, wow! That's interesting. I remember that
in my family everyone was almost always mad about something. It
almost got to be a competition about who was the most angry."
Really happy..''This is hard to say, but your being really happy makes
me sad. I don't think real happiness was very acceptable I haven't seen
a lot of it."
Hesitant.. "Oh, am I supposed to do something here? I can feel a need
to fill in the blanks, to assume what is going on for you."
Enraged..''This is like the game King on the Mountain for me, this is
easy to be with. I think I actually don't take it very seriously, like it's
fake."
Ashamed.."Ummm, this one is very tough even to be with. I feel
squirmy and like I want to run out the door."
Sexy.."I hear all kinds of admonitions in my head, like 'Don't be
cheap,' 'Nice girls wouldn't do that,' 'Why buy the cow when you can
get the milk free?' I have a lot of junk in my head about sexual feelings."
Serene.."This is very nice. I have some warm, kind of streaming
feelings in my chest and arms. I notice I'm breathing easier."

 184

Example (of Partner B's responses):

When Partner A has gone through the whole list and Partner B has had a chance
to respond fully to each feeling, switch roles. When you have each enacted and
responded to the list of feelings, take some time to note your responses in your
journal.

DISCUSSION:

What feelings were most difficult to respond to, and which were easiest? Did you
recognize the feelings that get muddy between you and your partner, the ones
that you project most often? For example, in practicing this, Kathlyn noticed that
when Gay looked angry, she assumed she had done something wrong. Most of
her attention then went into a fixing mode, things she could do to soothe Gay's
anger. After practicing this activity for a while, she was able to ask, "Are you
angry? Are you angry at me?" These simple questions interrupted the assuaging
pattern and gave Gay a chance to reflect on his actual feeling in the moment.

Agreements and Aliveness

The subject of agreements raises the temperature in the room whenever we

discuss it in seminars. Many people are confused, angry, and ineffective around
the issue of keeping agreements. In relationships, the breaking of agreements is
right up there with leaving socks on the floor as a major source of conflict. We
have heard amusing and heartbreaking justifications for breaking agreements.
Everything from "I forgot" to "I won't because you broke an agreement twenty
years ago, and I'm still mad about it." On closer examination, we've always found
that we break agreements because it's inconvenient to keep them or because we
can't separate our anger at authority figures from agreements.

There are several central agreement skills that allow a relationship to move from
entanglement to enlightening. The most basic is keeping the agreements you
make. We are amazed at the rationales that people invent for breaking
agreements. Even a great excuse doesn't erase the breaking of an agreement.
The opposite side of the coin is not making agreements that you don't want to
make. For example, many people have mentioned a pattern of giving in to
requests, then later reconsidering and deciding they don't want to do what
they've agreed to do. Not having learned the accompanying skill of knowing how
 185

to change agreements if they are not working, they "forget," get sick, are late, do
an ineffective job, etc.

Ultimately, we need to learn that keeping agreements increases aliveness and

personal power. Many people experience agreements as Big Brother watching
them. If we are the source of our agreements, life works and relationship works.

INSTRUCTIONS:

This activity can be completed individually or with a partner. If you are going
solo, read the instructions into a tape recorder to listen to while you are in a
relaxed state. With a partner, take turns reading to each other. Listener, sit back
in a comfortable chair, with your eyes open or closed, and follow the directions.

Reader: ''Take a slow, relaxed breath into your center, letting it out with a sigh.
Take another long, deep breath into your center and let it go with a sound ...
Notice the sense of aliveness in your body. Are you relaxed, alert, tense, bubbling
with good feeling? ... Now let your mind and body travel through recent time
until you discover an agreement you made and didn't keep. Take your time to
notice the nature of the agreement. Was it with yourself, a close partner, friend,
or business associate? ... How did you make the agreement? By phone, in person,
by assumption? ... Now notice how your mind responds to looking at the issue of
making an agreement and not keeping it. What thoughts, justifications, and
beliefs arise? Notice them with a sense of observing a communication appearing
on the fax machine or a movie screen. Just be aware of these thoughts ... Let
yourself notice your body sensations as you continue to focus on this un-kept
agreement. What areas of your body speak to you, and how do they speak? With
tension, pressure, aches or pains? ... Now be aware of any emotions that are
present as you think about this agreement. Notice that the emotions may be
large and prominent or barely present in your awareness ... Now scan your body
and notice your overall sense of aliveness after focusing on this un-kept
agreement. Compared to when you began this exploration, do you feel more or
less alive? Take a moment to love yourself for all your feelings, thoughts, and
sensations ... Then stretch easily and come back to the room."

DISCUSSION:

To take complete responsibility for agreements we need to experience the

connection between keeping agreements and increased aliveness. You may have
 186

experienced a specific or general decrease in your sense of aliveness when

exploring broken agreements. The contrast to the thrill of integrity can be
striking. Until that connection is made, agreements continue to be entangled
with issues of authority and rebellion. Very few people like to be told what to do.
Agreements are often confused with coercion, even if self-inflicted. Mastery in
the arena of agreements is a key relationship and life skill that places you at the
helm rather than in tow behind the ship.

Your Relationship Dance

Each relationship is a unique dance, a combination of each person's rhythms of

getting close and getting separate. We have discovered that couples have a
strong urge to impose order, or control, on what is inherently dynamic and
asymmetrical. Each partner has different preferences for times and length of
contact and separation. Rarely do these rhythms match. For example, one person
wants to get close when the other is longing for time alone. Both want space at
the same time, without children. One prefers to approach quickly, careening into
intimacy, while the other prefers to take one step at a time and check things out.
This asymmetry is natural and vital to the energy of relationship. However, we
have a tendency to blame and control. If our partner doesn't get close and
separate the way we do, we try to change them, ourselves, or the rhythms. These
tendencies can lead to enormous power struggles, but, even more important,
tend to flatten the effervescence that an appreciation of difference can bring to
close relationship. It's akin to learning the tango, then deciding it would be better
with shorter steps and a little more space between bodies. You'd get more order,
but the flare and daring of the dance would disappear.

This activity is designed to help you explore your relationship dance consciously.
Do you tango or two-step? Do you do a yoyo boogie that's usually opposite to
your partner's? You each probably have a unique dance. That can be one of the
joys of close relationship. You may want to name your particular dance after you
experience this activity. You will need a room that has enough open space so you
won't need to consider obstacles as you are moving.

INSTRUCTIONS:
 187

Both of you will be moving at the same time, coming closer to each other or
moving farther away in space. Stay in motion, as fast or slow as you want from
moment to moment. As you come closer and move into separate space, notice
the following:

Are you doing what you want to do, or are you reacting to your partner?
Is your preference getting close or getting separate?
When you move at exactly the right speed for you, what do you notice?
Do you notice any patterns in your dance?
Would you be willing to celebrate your unique relationship dance?

DISCUSSION:

Partners who have experienced this activity are amazed at how much meaning
they have attached to their version of getting close and getting separate. Here
are some of the responses people have expressed:

''When George starts to move away, I have this knee-jerk response: 'See, he
doesn't really love me!' "
"I find myself trying to match Cindy, to notice her clues and follow them. God,
that's disgusting!"
"I suddenly remembered episodes of 'cutting the pie' at our house. The three of
us kids would have endless arguments over who got to cut the pie, were the
slices exactly even, and who got to choose first. I'm obsessed with things
being fair, and I guess I've carried that over into my marriage, even to when
we each take space."
"Once I let go of being right, I began to notice this lovely rhythm to our being
together. I appreciated both the coming together and the moving apart. Each
phase has its own integrity and a kind of grace"

This activity may bring to awareness the phases in your relationship dance that
need your loving attention.

The Bottom Line

When couples come into therapy to sort out the difficulties that have clouded
their bond, we often find that they have lost sight of what is essential in the
 188

relationship. Each day brings its particular load of what we call the "necessary but
trivial" items of life: the errands, phone calls, cleaning, and maintenance that
uphold the structure of the home or workplace. There are problems with getting
lost in the necessary but trivial and losing sight of the bigger picture. Daily
pressures or the little irritations of life can distract couples from a felt connection
to the reasons they got together in the first place. And they forget one of the
central reasons we join with a particular person: We come into relationship to
complete some part of ourselves we haven't claimed. When our partner's
behavior reflects that un-owned part back to us, we usually become indignant or
judgmental. We forget that part of the initial relationship contract called for
her/him to behave in just the ways that will illuminate our shadow areas.

This is a sorting-out process. We find that many couples have not openly
considered what the bottom line is in their relationship, the things that are
essential to make a foundation for growth. These things are distinct from the
''would be nice" category of traits and behaviors. Essential characteristics are the
water and nutrients of a relationship, without which it will wither.

INSTRUCTIONS:

In your journal each of you independently makes a list of what is essential to you
in a relationship. What are the things that bring you satisfaction and joy and
make it possible to support your partner in her/his purpose? For example: A
partner who

is willing to look at issues and let go of positions easily

has a sense of humor
is curious about life and the way the world works
asks for what s/he wants instead of expecting mind reading
has a deep commitment to growth and spiritual fulfillment

Or on the more practical level: A partner who

is responsible, who will pick up after him/herself, for example
shares tasks
keeps agreements without hassles

 189

When you have completed your lists, share them with your partner. See if there
are any surprises. Use some sharing time to remember what brought you
together originally. Notice if any changes in your expectations may call for a
change in your assumptions and agreements with each other. People in
relationships often grow at different rates. Knowing the bottom line can help
center you in what is essential to your connection and what can give a little.

The Enlightening
Relationship Two-step

The mind-reading problem and the ostrich problem bog down many
relationships. The mind-reading problem involves not seeing or saying what we
want because our partner should already know if s/he really loves us. The ostrich
problem is not seeing how it is or saying how it is and pretending that others can't
see either. This dysfunctional relationship two-step creates untold misery and
can bog us down very quickly. Simply put, we don't get what we want and need
because we fail to acknowledge the truth and to express our wants and needs
effectively. This process can take the following forms:

HOW IT IS
NOT SEEING HOW IT IS NOT SAYING HOW IT IS

Wont look at it Get upset

Pretend its some other way Mistake uproar for action

Distort it Dramatize it

Project it Project/Blame

 190

WHAT I WANT
NOT SAYING
NOT SEEING WHAT YOU WANT WHAT YOU WANT

Let others tell you what to want Don't say what you want

Don't think about what you want Think others can guess you
want what you want

Pretend you don't want anything Say what you think others
want

Think wanting is bad Say what you don't want

The way to climb out of these bogs is very simple. Acknowledge reality and
express your desires effectively. In other words, see your life as it is, then put your
energy into creating what you want. The following exercise will help you to
verbalize both how things are in your relationship and how you want them to be.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Stand facing each other. You'll have a verbal Ping-Pong game in which you'll take
turns completing the following sentences out loud:

"How it is, is ___________________"

''What I want is __________________________ "

Complete both sentences before your partner's turn. Begin with what we call the
realm of stuff; material things-cars, appliances, toys, things for your children.

EXAMPLE:

"How it is, is I have a dining room table with chipped legs that's too small
for entertaining."
''What I want is an expandable handmade table with drop-leaf sides."

"How it is, is the car's tires are nearly worn through."

''What I want is four new radial tires at an incredible bargain."
 191

Exchange four or five rounds of how it is and what I want in the realm of stuff,
then move to the realm of your relationship. Look at emotions, time together,
handling chores, the qualities that are important to you. Exchange four or five
rounds of how it is and what I want. Example:

"How it is, is I get mad about doing most of the household chores and
expect you to know that I want your help without my saying anything."
''What I want is for you to take charge of the dishes when I cook, to sort
your laundry, to share the cleaning, and to empty the trash when it's full."

Now move into the liveliest areas, sex and money. Be sure to state how it is and
what you want. You'll have had some practice by the time you reach these more
emotionally laden issues.

EXAMPLE:
"How it is, is I usually feel too tired at night to make love."
"What I want is to make love at different times during the day, with an
abundance of energy."

"How it is, is I feel scared we aren't going to have enough m oney a t t he e nd
of the month."
"What I w ant i s e nough m oney t o d o e verything I w ant and need."

Notice that both the mind reading and the ostrich problem can be resolved in
exactly the same way, by acknowledging reality and expressing your desires
effectively. Couples find that communication becomes much easier with .a little
practice in this essential area. We call this doing the Enlightening Relationship
Two-step.


EXPERIMENTS IN GETTING C LOSE

The only commonality among a group of successful writers was this: They made
time each day to sit in front of a typewriter or word processor and write.
Similarly, the primary condition for becoming a philosopher is setting aside a
period of time each day to think. Time can translate into success. By devoting
time to the job of writing, the writers achieved success. A relationship is also a
 192

job, albeit one for which most of us have deficient or insufficient training. Imagine
the success in your relationship that could come with making the choice to focus
time and attention on your being together each day. It is within that context
that these activities are structured. They are designed to help you to realize that
relationships are more than just hard work or another place where you punch
the time clock. Each activity is structured to bring light and awareness to new
possibilities of contact and creativity in ways that are fun and friendly. We realize
that not everyone's first priority is friendly fun, especially in relationships, but
having read this far, you may be ready for the challenge of a relationship that
really thrives. We invite you to consciously block out fifteen to twenty minutes
each day to nurture your relationship, and to guard that time. The benefits will be
surprising.

Choosing Closeness

Enlightening relationships are primarily about choice. Each time we consciously

choose to open up to new experiences and more intimacy, our inner selves are
empowered and freed to support us. Some partners find that, given the choice,
they aren't really interested in the same things. This awareness, although painful,
creates clarity and the opportunity to make decisions that empower both, rather
than struggling in the mud of confusion. When we choose to be close, intimacy is
enhanced by the free attention we can bring to the exchange. Playfulness and
creativity result, as well as a sense of excitement about the unfolding discovery of
each other.

INSTRUCTIONS:

You and your partner stand facing each other, maintaining eye contact. Take
turns saying this phrase out loud: "I am willing to be close to you.

After each repetition, pause for two to three deep, full breaths. Take four or five
turns saying this phrase.

Then say this phrase out loud: "I choose to be close to you

After each repetition, pause for two to three deep, full, breaths and notice your
thoughts, sensations, and emotions. Tell the truth about what you notice. Say
the phrase, pause to notice, then report your experience. Switch back and forth
several times.
 193

Lastly, say this phrase out loud: "I am willing to clear up any obstacles to getting
close in a way that is totally friendly

Take turns saying the phrase, pausing to notice, then describing your experience.
Avoid stories, analysis, or judgments. Just notice what's there and report it as
simply as possible. Switch back and forth five to seven times.

DISCUSSION:

The conscious decision to be close can unearth the fears and hesitations arising
from past experience. A couple we worked with recently came in with a recycling
problem. They would get close, then have a fight, a common issue we encounter
in our work. When we asked them to make a conscious decision about whether
they wanted to be close or not, Charlie said, "Boy! I just don't know. My only
experience of getting close is thinking I'm going to do it wrong, that Nina will
come at me, finger pointing and accusing." We spent some time helping Charlie
identify his first experiences of feeling wrong when he got close. He began to see
that his experience of conflict might not even be his as he remembered the
constant conflict between his parents. At that point we came back to the original
question in this way, "If it were possible to be close in a new way that didn't
involve this old pattern, would you be willing to be close?" At that point, Charlie's
face lit up as he opened up to the possibility of choosing intimacy in a new way.
Nina visibly relaxed and smiled as she also declared her willingness to get close in
a new way.

Exploring Getting Close

We include several journal activities in this book to give you different experiences
of focusing on relationship. Some people find verbal communication most
helpful; others enjoy the movement processes. Many people find that the quiet
activity of journaling allows them to open to deep feelings and experiences in a
safe way. Some people have reported that they experience journal activities as
filling the inner well so that they are replenished in relationship. See how you
respond to this and other written explorations.
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INSTRUCTIONS:

Complete the following sentences with whatever occurs to you.

When I think about getting close to you, I experience _____________________.

(e.g., goose bumps; thoughts about being careful)

Picturing us being close is _____________________________.

(e.g., somewhat fuzzy; arousing)

When I think of (or picture) you coming closer to me, I

experience_____________________.

(e.g., myself shrinking a little; myself smiling and getting taller)

When I think about staying close to you, I experience

_____________________________.

(e.g., sadness as I remember the decades of dullness between my parents)

* The main obstacle to being close whenever I want to is

____________________________.

(e.g., my worry that you'll hem me in; that there won't be enough time)

The feelings that come up for me when I get dose to you

are____________________, and,__________________ and __________________.

(e.g., joy, anxiety, sadness)

I learned how to get close from _________________________.

(e.g., watching my grandparents' interaction all my childhood)

I'm afraid that if I get really close, ________________________.

(e.g., something bad will happen; you'll see who I really am and not love me)

Some things I need in order to be close are: _________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________
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(e.g., I need to have a regular time to talk with you about whatever is going on. I
need about fifteen minutes to myself when I come home from work to make the
transition and let go of the rest of the day.)

I am willing to make these arrangements about getting close with you.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

(e.g., I am willing to set aside time in my appointment book each day to be with
you. I am willing to help with the daily stuff so that neither of us feels as
pressured. I am willing to keep discovering how to be closer to you.)

When you have each completed these sentences, take time to share what you
discovered. Be aware of responses that were surprising or new, as well as those
that seem to have a long history. Together, choose and implement one of your
agreements.

Moving Closer

For those of you who like to move together, here is an opportunity to do just
that, a different sort of relationship minuet.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Decide who will be the first mover and who the first witness. Witness, keep
taking deep, relaxed breaths and notice your experience. Mover, begin standing
about ten feet away from the witness. Take one step at a time toward your
partner. Stop with each step to report out loud your sensations, emotions, and
thoughts; keep telling the truth about your experience until you feel more lively
inside.

Then take another step closer and repeat the process until you are standing right
in front of your partner. Remain in eye contact for a few silent moments, then
switch roles.

EXAMPLE:

Hank's experience: "You look far away at this distance ... I notice I'm wondering
how you feel about me ... my chest just tightened a little The thought, ''Will I be
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trapped if I get too close?' just came up I feel warmth in my face and hands ... I
realize I love you and I'm afraid of getting close."

DISCUSSION:

Partners are fascinated to discover how much of their communication about

getting close (and separate) is nonverbal. People have unearthed childhood
memories and hurts that they hadn't realized were clouding their intention to be
close in the present. For example, a number of people have recalled high school
dances and the humiliation of crossing the dance floor for a prospective partner,
only to be rejected.

Both positive and negative moods are quickly and powerfully communicated
between people. Recent research indicates that moods and emotions are
transmitted within milliseconds, much too fast to consciously control. Further,
several researchers are documenting the effect of an exchange between more
and less expressive persons. The more expressive person's mood is almost
contagious, picked up instantaneously by the person who is more easily affected.
We have often noticed the subtle dance of feeling between people in
relationship. This research substantiates our sense that relationship harmony is
largely a result of the nonverbal dance. Dr. Frank Bernieri's research has led him
to assert, ''The degree to which people's movements seem orchestrated
determines how much emotional rapport they feel." (Denver Post) 10/20/91).

Breathing Together

Are you and your partner able just to be together without doing something or
creating a task or a problem to solve? Some couples are able to share a quiet
space of silence and feel exquisite sensations between them. Another couple left
alone in our office for two minutes immediately recycled an argument that had
been raging for decades.

This activity is designed to cultivate a way to grow together at an essential level.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Sit comfortably, facing your partner. Be close enough that you could reach out
and touch each other, but for now, remain separate. Throughout this activity,
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remain in eye contact. Give yourself permission to experience fully the feelings,
sensations, and thoughts that may arise for you or your partner.

Each of you rest your hands comfortably on your belly. Each inhalation should
gently lift your belly so that your hands also rise. As you breathe out, your hands
will fall with the release of air from your belly. Notice if the top of your in breath
rolls easily into the out breath. If there is any gap or holding between in breath
and out breath, allow the breath to be connected. Continue taking deep, relaxed,
connected breaths for two to three minutes.

Let your hands rest at your sides now as you both continue gentle belly
breathing. Let yourselves imagine a circle of breath flowing between you. You'll
take in breath through your nose and send it back to your partner, as if through
your navel. Just imagine this circle of breath flowing easily between you for
several minutes as you maintain eye contact.

Now place a hand on your partner's leg or belly, whichever is easy to reach while
staying comfortable in your chair. As you continue belly breathing with eye
contact, notice your experiences. There is no right experience here. Notice and
appreciate whatever occurs. Continue belly breathing with eye contact and touch
for two minutes.

Then take a moment or two to lean back, close your eyes and rest quietly. Notice
your thoughts and sensations. After a short time, stretch comfortably and open
your eyes. For this activity we suggest bypassing any discussion or analysis. Just
go on about your day when you feel complete.

DISCUSSION:

When you have practiced the skill of breathing together for awhile, you may
notice that your focus shifts from the content of your communication to the
process. Couples have experienced being able to breathe through feelings and
negative thoughts without getting stuck in habitual responses. For example, Ned
and Toni noticed that one feeling problem would arise whenever one or the other
began to experience emotions such as sadness or fear. The other partner would
inevitably say or do something negative, and the feelings would abruptly halt.
This pattern had created a history of distancing and assumptions that kept Ned
and Toni from being close. After practicing breathing together for several weeks,
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Toni noticed with some surprise that they were choosing to breathe through
feelings rather than choosing the old pattern.

EXPERIMENTS IN AUTONOMY

Getting Separate

Getting separate is as important to an enlightening relationship as knowing how

to be close. Most couples we've worked with have learned to equate getting
separate with abandonment. The thought, "If s/he really loved me, s/he'd want to
be with me all the time," is very common. So is, "If I want time for myself, am I a
bad partner? Does it mean something is wrong with our relationship?"
Enlightening relationships thrive on each person's direct relationship with the
world. Each partner can bring the increased aliveness of creativity, new
information, and different contacts to the evolving life of the relationship.
However, most of us have a lot to learn about the healthy process of getting
separate. These activities are designed to develop a true sense of autonomy
between equal partners.

Here's an example of how separateness and abandonment get fused in our

minds. In a recent group, participants were exploring ways to feel separate from
Mother, since Mother is often the first person from whom we want and need to
be autonomous. We were asking what keeps us tied to an old dependent
relationship with Mother that doesn't remotely fit the current circumstances of
life. When we structured an activity to have one partner respond to the other in
positive, negative, and neutral ways, all the participants said that their partner
leaving was the most painful experience. Being left was more painful than being
yelled at or ignored. We seem to have all kinds of feelings tied up with someone
leaving. Here are some of the things participants said when their partners left:

"I knew she was just following the instructions, but I felt she didn't like
me."
"I found myself wildly thinking of ways to entertain her so she wouldn't
leave."
"I noticed that I really shut down. I thought, 'Well, I'll show you I don't
need you either!'"
"I just got numb. I don't know what happened-it's like I went blank."
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In close relationships we have noticed that partners' early experiences with

getting separate bleed over into their current relationship, and naturally so. A
dose relationship can be the ground for studying and clearing up anything in the
way of a harmonious relationship dance. The following are examples of
problematic behaviors that partners use to get separate:

Turning back on partner

Shutting eyes while partner is talking
Walking away (including walking away in middle of partner's sentence)
Sighing and looking away
Interrupting when partner is speaking
Tensing up and holding breath

All these styles are problematic because they are not truthful, direct, or
straightforward. Each contains multiple levels of communication that can easily
be misinterpreted. As you move through the following activities, be aware of
your unique indirect ways of getting separate.

You may also notice as you explore separating that your intention in taking space
influences the quality of interaction. Also, your communication about taking
space and getting separate can support or stymie the free pendulum swing of
intimacy and autonomy.

Journal Activity

Fill in the blanks:

When I think of myself as an independent person, I feel____________________.

(e.g., exhilarated, but scared)

The main thing I learned about being autonomous was ____________________.

(e.g., people won't like me if I'm too aloof)

I am afraid of being independent because ______________________________.

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(e.g., nobody will be there when I need them)

My family told me that independent people were ________________________.

(e.g., snobs who thought they were better than everybody else)


The main thing I need to clear up to become autonomous is ________________.

(e.g., learning to ask for support when I need it; catching the early clues that I
need to take space)
Now take a separate sheet and ask yourself, "How am I perpetuating this old
pattern in my current relationship?" Take each of the previous questions and
bring it into the present. For example, "I currently get exhilarated and scared when
I think of myself as an independent person when my partner goes on business
trips and I'm responsible for the whole house, the kids, and my work."

When you are both finished, take some time to share your discoveries.

DISCUSSION:
One benefit of this activity is the deeper discovery of your partner's actual
experience. I (Kathlyn) remember being amazed to learn that for some time at the
beginning of our relationship Gay would feel a twinge of abandonment when I
would leave the room to do something. I had this image of Gay as totally self-
sufficient (which he is) that didn't allow for any vulnerability. Gay was surprised
to find that I felt especially nervous and needy in big crowds, where he was right
at home. With the knowledge of how your partner gets separate and has
experienced getting separate, you can begin to make more conscious choices in
the way you increase your autonomy-closeness balance.

The Autonomy Clues

Here are some examples of signs clients have experienced when they needed to
get separate and take some space.
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George felt hemmed in or pressured to the extent that his attention was
distracted from communication and closeness with his wife. He found himself
daydreaming about fishing alone at dawn on a quiet pond.

Terry experienced a lot of irritated thoughts, for example, "People are just
being too demanding."

Merrill found himself criticizing his partner more frequently for things that he
generally didn't notice. When Pat left his socks on the floor and Merrill saw them
on his way to do the dishes, he exploded.

Cheryl began to wonder if Sam was limiting her freedom and growth. "If only he
didn't push me so hard all the time; I never have a free moment to myself."

INSTRUCTIONS:

Take turns saying this phrase out loud several times: "I am willing to be separate
and develop my full potential as an individual.

Pause for two full breaths each time after you say the phrase and notice your
response. Now take turns repeating this phrase out loud several times:

"I support you in developing your full potential as an individual.

Pause for two full breaths after each repetition and notice your response.

Take a few minutes to share your responses to these two intentions. Did you
experience fear when your partner was speaking? Is the potential for separate
growth confused with abandonment or rejection? Did your body respond, for
example, with twitching or tightness? Did other thoughts intrude and take your
attention away, like what you might have for dinner? Or did you experience
increased aliveness and happiness with this activity? There is no right response.
Noticing is the important step.

Now see if you would both be willing to make some concrete agreements about
getting separate. Do you need regular time by yourself? Do the clues that you
need some space elude you, while rearing up in your partner's face? For example,
the authors have noticed that each is usually more skilled at noticing the subtle
signs that the other needs space. Kathlyn will notice Gay's forehead furrowing
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slightly and his sentences getting more clipped when he needs time alone. Gay
notices Kathlyn speeding up and getting tidier, but more tight-lipped. We have
an agreement to share these observations with each other, which smoothes the
process of getting separate and taking space.

Here are some examples of agreements that couples have made:

Mary takes Monday evenings to get a massage, and Dan makes dinner and puts
the children to bed. Dan hikes up in his favorite mountain passes on Saturday
mornings.

Betty and Walter have a "time-out" agreement. When either notices the signs
of too much closeness, one or both take a half hour with no communication,
including on the phone. Sometimes a bath seems just right, or backyard cloud
watching.

Nancy and Donna opt for solo walks when the need for autonomy arises. They
notice how refreshing these breaks are and how exciting the relationship looks
after a brisk walk.

Learning to Take Space

Most of us haven't had the opportunity to communicate our needs and desires
about getting separate in a clear and effective manner. This activity is structured
to give you a chance to practice the skill of taking space in a friendly way. We will
use the Basic Manifestation Activity as the basis for communication. In the BMA,
we acknowledge reality and declare what we want. This combination of skills will
allow you to recognize your personal signals for needing space and suggest ways
of putting insight into action effectively.

Fill in the blanks in the following sentence (as many examples as you like):

How it is, is ___________________________ , and what I want is______________.

Examples:

How it is, is I feel slightly irritated, and what I want is a long, hot bath.
How it is, is I have been thinking you're crowding me, and what I want is a
half-hour quiet time in the living room by myself.
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How it is, is work is a zoo right now, and what I want is a walk right after I
come home from work, before getting into family activities.
How it is, is both kids were off the walls today, and what I want is for you
to make dinner while I take a nap.
How it is, is I don't know what I want; I'm confused. What I want is about
fifteen minutes to just sort things out.
How it is, is I have been feeling better than ever in my life, and what I
want is a quiet evening to rest and integrate that good feeling.

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ESTABLISHING THE FOUNDATION:

THE INTENTIONS AND AGREEMENTS ESSENTIAL

TO AN ENLIGHTENING RELATIONSHIP

In this section we will explore owning and acting from the essential agreements
that help relationships flourish. These intentions create a safe and spacious
framework for building the relationship you want, while healing any
entanglements from the past. With these intentions we focus on creating a spirit
of willingness. The experience of willingness is a powerful and friendly catalyst
for growth. Willingness, rather than will, opens the maximum potential for the
creative juice of the universe to enliven and transform even the driest issues. As
you work through these activities, notice the difference between being willing
and trying hard. We think you'll be pleasantly surprised that learning can be fun
and full of ease.

Journal Activity

Each of you take a blank page in your journal to write out the following
intentions. Leave an inch or two of space between each sentence.
I am willing to be totally independent and totally close.
I am willing to have my relationships be a force that takes me to my frill
enlightenment.
I a m w illing t o c lear u p a nything i n t he w ay o f m y f ull enlightenment
and ability to be close.
I am willing to have other people be fully empowered in my presence.
I a m w illing t o t ransform m yself i n w hatever w ays a re n ecessary to
serve my highest evolution and have the highest quality relationships with
others.
I am willing to take space as often as necessary to nurture myself and the
relationship.
I am willing to have our relationship be about giving and receiving
maximum positive energy.
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Now take some time to answer the following questions for each intention:
When I say this intention silently, what body sensations do I notice? Notice if
muscles tighten or ache when you repeat these intentions. Does some body
part "speak" to you with pressure, tingling, or another sensation? Do you get
sleepy, or agitated? Write down whatever body experience you notice.
With what beliefs have I surrounded this intention, based on past e xperiences?
We each come to current relationships with a host of beliefs, most of which
are both unspoken and unconscious. Let yourself search for the thoughts that
have a quality of certainty. For example, a common belief is, "If you really loved
me, you would always _______________ , " Or, "Once you're married,
everything changes (for the worse)."
What models, positive or negative, do I have for this intention? You may have
seen relationships in which respect and creative fun were the norm. You may
only have seen relationships that seemed to sanctify misery. Or you may not
have dear models at all. Notice if one or more intention was modeled in a
particular way. For example, the man of one couple saw a relationship model of
tight-lipped hostility rather than of giving and receiving positive energy. The
woman's model in her family was have an argument, then have sex or buy
something. You can imagine the interplay between these styles.
What rules have I made about this intention? For example, many couples have a
rule that taking space must happen after an argument or conflict. They do not
have rules about taking space in a friendly way. Other couples have unspoken
rules about equality in their relationship. Only one person at a time can feel
powerful and effective. Write down the rules you have evolved about each
intention.
Am I interested in living and breathing this intention? What occurs when I imagine
this intention being a reality in my life? We have worked with many people
whose attitude is, ''Well, theoretically I can see your point. But I think I'll wait
for more data." In other words, I'm not willing to step into the arena and
actually play the game. These intentions take fire with the risk of action.
What action can I take now to continue exploring this intention? Any action, one
step or a giant leap, can have equal power to enliven your relationship. Telling
the truth about your experience of relationship modeling is an example of a
step. Making a new agreement about taking space is another. What action
would you be willing to take as a commitment to your intentions?

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Communicating Intentions

In this activity you'll take this exploration of intentions one step further by
communicating the intentions to your partner. We'll ask you to communicate in a
number of different styles to notice the difference between the direct truth and
less effective, but popular forms.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Stand facing your partner. Throughout, take turns saying one intention before
moving to the next. Take a couple of breaths between each turn to notice your
responses.

I am willing to be totally independent and totally close.

I am willing to have my relationships be a force that takes me to my full
enlightenment.
I am willing to clear up anything in the way of my full enlightenment and
ability to be close.
I am willing to have other people be fully empowered in my presence.
I am willing to transform myself in whatever ways are necessary to serve my
highest evolution and have the highest quality relationships with others.
I am willing to take space as often as necessary to nurture myself and the
relationship.
I am willing to have our relationship be about giving and receiving
maximum positive energy.

First round: Each of you mumble and look everywhere except at your partner as
you say each intention.

Second round: Say each intention in an angry tone. Experiment with sarcastic,
irritated, hostile, outraged, or another variation of angry.

Third round: Communicate with the belief that the situation is hopeless.

Fourth round: Do your best to be direct, straightforward, and clear with each
intention.
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Fifth round: Say each intention, then take two breaths to notice whatever body
experience you had. Exaggerate your response for a moment as you say out loud
the truth about what you're noticing. Then it's your partner's turn.

EXAMPLE:

"I am willing to have other people be fully empowered in my presence. My shoulders

are rising, and I feel myself wanting to disappear, so I'll bring my shoulders up
almost to my ears and go stand absolutely still in the corner ... As I do that, I
remember the arguments my parents had, when I'd hide in my room. My dad
always called my mother a mother hen, to which she'd salute and bark, 'Yes,
Sergeant!' I don't know what it would look like for both of us to be powerful. But
I'd like to have the experience."

Sixth round: Let your focus be on listening closely and receiving your partner's
communication, both verbal and nonverbal.

Envisioning the Future

Our purpose in this activity is to make a space for a new future to unfold. We have
found that relationships are most effective when each person starts from the
present. The agreements and intentions you create will pull you into a new future
of unlimited possibilities.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Decide who will relax and receive first, and who will read the following. Receiver,
sit back in a comfortable chair and close your eyes if you feel ready to do so.
Some people enjoy having soft music in the background for this activity. Reader,
take a moment to be with yourself and appreciate yourself for whatever you are
experiencing right now. When you are ready, read the following out loud to your
partner.

"Relax your belly as you exhale. Allow the in breath to just happen naturally ...
and continue relaxing your belly through the out breath ... Let your attention
move gently through your body. Notice whatever you are experiencing right now
... Be with yourself as you experience your sensations and emotions. Say yes
inside to whatever you experience ... Now imagine yourself walking through a
meadow ... Notice the colors and the feel of the sun and breeze ... Take several
moments to explore the meadow ... As you come over a rise you see a pond ... Go
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sit by its edge and look into the water ... As you notice the ripples and reflections,
see yourself being and acting confidently with these new intentions.

"I am willing to be totally independent and totally close . .. Imagine how our
relationship will look as you easily get close and separate.

I am willing to have my relationships be a force that takes me to my full

enlightenment . .. Let yourself experience our relationship as an essential part of
your full growth and potential. Let your creative self envision how it will be.

"I am willing to clear up anything in the way of my full enlightenment and ability to
be close, Now and in the future any obstacles can be resolved easily and in a
friendly way for you and everyone around you.

"I am willing to have other people be fully empowered in my presence ... Let
yourself imagine us as truly equal. See you and me being totally responsible and
fully empowered.

"I am willing to transform my self in whatever ways are necessary to serve my

highest evolution and have the highest quality relationships with others Imagine
being committed to change and the natural flow of life Notice the thoughts and
images that support you to receive feedback from all of life to continue growing
and loving.

"I am willing to take space as often as necessary to nurture myself and the
relationship . .. Create an experience of taking space in a way that celebrates your
wants and the relationship ... Take a couple of relaxed breaths and imagine
yourself doing something that is just right for you and me.

"I am willing to have our relationship be about giving and receiving maximum
positive energy ... See or feel an image of fun, creativity, and celebration ... Know
that you are the source of this experience and can give and receive love and joy
freely and fully.

"Now come back to the side of the pond in the meadow ... Take a few minutes to
appreciate its beauty and explore any last places you want to visit ... Gently say
good-bye to this place for now and let your awareness return to your body and
the experience of sitting in the chair. Take a few moments to stretch easily and
come back to the room. Open your eyes when you are ready."
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Receiver, take a few minutes to record your experiences in your journal. Then
switch roles.

DISCUSSION:

One of the most important tasks in an enlightening relationship is making space

for something new to occur. Entanglements can get us so twisted into the
quicksand that we sink deeper the more we struggle. Taking time to envision a
new possible future establishes a brand-new dynamic of ease and relaxation that
contrasts with the experience of "working on" the relationship.

THE PERSONA WORK

The following activities will flush out your major personas. These are ways of
being and acting that we develop, usually early in life, to cope with difficult
situations. Personas can be useful when they are connected to our essential
selves. In these activities you'll learn to clarify the persona(s) that are
predominant in your life and relationships. You'll also have the opportunity to
inquire into who you are under all the layers of your programming. It is important
to acknowledge and befriend our personas so we have them, rather than them
having us. And ultimately, we want to love all aspects of our personas so that we
can build the relationships we want based on choice, not on the unconscious
demands of an unresolved persona.

We invite you to have fun with these activities. Our seminar participants find this
work exciting and surprisingly helpful.

The Persona Worksheet

STEP ONE

Take a look at the following list of sample personas. See if you recognize familiar
attitudes and experiences. Identify your favorite personas and feel free to add to
the list if you don't see your most prominent personas. As you read the
descriptions you may notice that some of your prominent personas are flavored
with aspects of others. For example, you may see that your Conscientious
persona has Self-righteous overtones, or that your Devoted persona has a
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Caretaker edge. Do your best to discover the personas that show up most in your
relationships, while noticing nuances.

Conscientious: These people go the extra mile, even if they don't feel like it. As
children they would be the ones who supervised the cutting of the pie to make
sure everyone got their fair share. Right and wrong are important concepts to
Conscientious personas.
BUMPER STICKER: Do the right thing, or else.

Supercompetent: This persona specializes in handling the material world and

organizational matters better than anyone else. Supercompetent children often
have "a place for everything and everything in its place." Efficiency is an
important concept to a Supercompetent.
BUMPER STICKER: Here, let me do it.

Devoted: If this persona were an animal, it would be a dog. Devoted personas are
very loyal, uncritical of the chosen one(s), and can be counted on to remember
occasions and anniversaries. As children they aspired to always be loving and
kind to everyone.
BUMPER STICKER: I'll always be here for you.

Drama Queen/King: Everything is a big deal. The Drama personas can stir up a
tempest by walking into a room. When they were children, life may have
appeared to be a "tempest in a teapot." The world occurs in extremes to and
around this persona. Drama Queens and Kings speak in bold italics.
BUMPER STICKER: You would not believe the day I've had.

Ramblin Guy/Gal: These personas place special value on expansion and the far-
off horizon. They mistrust commitments as possible traps. Ramblin' children are
often adventures constantly and often can't be located for household chores. The
possibility around the corner is an important concept to the Rambler.
BUMPER STICKER: Don't fence me in.

Victim: Bad things happen to these personas regularly. They are magnets for
misery. They are convinced that it's not their fault and have difficulty
discriminating fault from responsibility. When this persona begins to appear as a
strategy in childhood, getting bullied, being picked last for teams, and being
scapegoated may be factors.
BUMPER STICKER: Why Me?
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Performer: Life is a stage for the performer, and s/he is always on.
Communications are played to the back row. Developing Performers focus on the
effect, whether they specialize as jokers, thespians, magicians, or poets.
BUMPER STICKER: The show must go on, wherever I go.

Critic: Discrimination and aesthetics are very important to the Critic. The Critic
often fuses judgment with fault and looks for possible flaws in things and
shortcomings in people. One Critic remembered, as a child, adjusting her
mother's jewelry and makeup before letting her parent leave for a party.
BUMPER STICKER: I'll tell you what's wrong. Even if you don't ask.

Loner: This persona is prone to develop adoption and alien theories about his/her
childhood. "I was left here by beings from another galaxy," or "My real parents
will come back for me after I've done my time in this awful family" are common
Loner thoughts. This is the outsider, by choice. Loners may also feel superior to
mere mortals.
BUMPER STICKER: By myself

Space Out: These personas live more comfortably in a fantasy world than with
the rigors of responsible adult life. Often forgetful, they have difficulty keeping
time agreements. Favorite occupation is hanging out.
BUMPER STICKER: Huh?

Mr./Ms. Nice Guy: This is the tapioca of personas. Mr./Ms. Nice Guy is even-
tempered and cheerful. Often overriding hostile impulses and eschewing selfish
desires, the Nice Guys were often rewarded for social propriety as children. Told
to "be nice," they were.
BUMPER STICKER: Aw, shucks!

Dependent/Clingy: The dependent persona definitely leans toward closeness to

the detriment of his/her own autonomy. These personas keep an eye on the
partner and have difficulty standing on their own two feet, figuring out what they
want, and opposing the partner's decisions. Developing Dependents were often
mamas' boys and daddies' girls.
BUMPER STICKER: But I need you!

Mr. Sick/Ms. Accidents: These related personas account for most of the medical
costs in the emergency room. As children they learned to deal with stress and/or
 212

get attention by becoming accident prone or ill. Asking for what they want
directly is often a problem. They may have special diets and rigid health regimes.
BUMPER STICKER: Whoops!

Caretaker: This persona will be the first to offer a tissue (not the box) to a crying
person. The helpers and rescuers of the world, they leap first and inquire later. As
children, Caretakers may have been told something like, "I always know I can
count on your help." Whole movements have developed recently to help people
recover from this persona.
BUMPER STICKER: Let me help you.

Stoic: Maintenance of stone-faced perseverance in the face of obstacles is an

important goal for the Stoic. Seemingly lacking emotions, Stoics often bury
feelings under rigidity and ritual. "No pain, no gain" may be an important belief.
On camping trips as children they would be the ones who insisted that the best
way to sleep is rolled up in a blanket on the ground.
BUMPER STICKER: I can take it.

Peter Pan/Tinker Bell: These personas can be very appealing and attractive.
Youthful and effervescent, these are the perpetual youngsters of the world. They
are often skillful at skirting responsibility in a way that the "grown-up" finds both
charming and irritating. They are frequently attempting to outrun aging and
responsibility.
BUMPER STICKER: I'll never grow up.

Hostile: The world is a bad place to this persona. You'd better get them before
they get you is a common belief. Hostile personas would rather insult you than
negotiate. Vulnerable and sad emotions are often buried under this mask of
guardedness.
BUMPER 'STICKER: Out of my way, M_______f_______ !

Self-righteous: This persona knows better, always, on any subject. People who
have developed this persona often have "special" feelings. That is, they know
that they don't have to follow the known laws of the universe because they're
"special." In restaurants, they would be the ones to send dinner back with
instructions for the chef.
BUMPER STICKER: Well! I never!
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Chameleon: The masters of adaptation, Chameleons are perceptive and can

adjust to changing situations and people easily and with grace. Unfortunately,
this flexibility is often at the cost of a solid center. Chameleons don't know who
they are and have difficulty maintaining a steady sense of direction. Childhood
may have been unpredictable, if relatively untroubled. Conflict is difficult for the
Chameleon if a stand is called for.
BUMPER STICKER: Whatever you say!

True Believer: These personas are the foot soldiers and loyal yes men of
movements and organizations. They gravitate toward the security of dogma and
rarely question authority or beliefs. As children, True Believers backed up the
captains and ringleaders, echoing their taunts and challenges.
BUMPER STICKER: This is IT!

Shy: The world is a big, scary place to this persona. Shy personas may have a lot
to say, but they usually keep it to themselves. As children they may have been
the wallflowers or loners, or they may have compensated for their shyness by
being invisible joiners.
BUMPER STICKER: I'll wait in the car.

Flamboyant: This persona is gregarious and pushes the edges of social

conventions. Often loud in voice and dress, the Flamboyant persona looks for the
newest trend and aspires to create one. As children, these personas were often
too much for their parents and friends.
BUMPER STICKER: This is just the latest thing.

Martyr: Martyrs have perfected the art form of suffering and suffering for others.
They tend to give by giving up their desires and giving over their power to others.
As children, developing Martyrs were often rewarded for giving up what they
really wanted to keep the peace or placate a parent.
BUMPER STICKER: No, you go ahead without me.

Delinquent/Rebel: These are the different ones. They go their own way, march to
a different drummer, etc. The Rebel not only doesn't like to be told what to do,
s/he will often defy authority reflexively. Example: In the movie The Wild One,
the older man asks Marlon Brando's character, "Say, what are you kids rebelling
against, anyway?!" The response: ''Whadda ya got?"
BUMPER STICKER: Not me, man.
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STEP TWO

Think about which of these personas are most prominent in your life. Do the
same for your parents and anyone else who was significant in your upbringing.
Choose a number from 1 to 10 that reflects the extent to which you and they
wear each persona in relationships. There is space at the end to add personas
that you don't see on the list. Participants have found it useful to go through the
whole list. For example, one man said that he discovered overlapping patterns
between his personas and those of his parents and grandparents that had been
invisible to him when he just focused on one or two obvious personas.

1-2 = Almost never

3-4 = Seldom

5-6 = Sometimes

7-8 = A lot

9-10 = Almost always

OTHER
SIGNIFICANT
PERSONA ME MOTHER FATHER PERSON

Conscientious
Supercompetent
Devoted
Drama Queen/King
Ramblin' Guy/Gal
Victim
Performer
Critic
Loner
Space Out
Mr./Ms. Nice Guy
Dependent/Clingy
Mr. Sick/Ms. Accident
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OTHER
SIGNIFICANT
PERSONA ME MOTHER FATHER PERSON

Caretaker
Stoic
Peter Pan/Tinker Bell
Hostile
Self-righteous
Chameleon
True Believer
Shy
Flamboyant
Martyr
Delinquent/Rebel

_______________________

_______________________

_______________________

DISCUSSION:

As you study the columns of numbers, do you notice any themes or patterns?
People have made surprising discoveries about the source of their personas. Look
for extremes in agreement or disagreement between your numbers for each
persona and those of significant others. Several people noticed they had learned
not to compete with a parent's persona. If father was a 10 Conscientious, the son
or daughter usually rated only 2 or 3. It can also be useful to look down the list for
similar numbers among different personas. For example, one woman realized
that her strong Supercompetent persona (9) developed in relation to her
mother's equally strong (9) Martyr persona.

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The Persona Interview

This partner activity has two purposes. One is to acknowledge and flesh out the
conscious experience of a particular persona. When we recognize how much we
have been run by various personas, the first impulse may be to try and perform a
persona-ectomy. Even if this were possible, and it isn't, persona exploration can
be useful and enlivening. Giving the persona a chance to speak directly can lead
to an experience of the emotions and authentic expressions that personas mask.
The other purpose of this activity is to give you more of a sense of the interplay
between your personas and your partner's.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Decide who will be the first interviewer and who the first interviewee. The
interviewee will pick a persona to explore. Take a moment to let yourself stand
and think as this persona. When you are ready to be interviewed, take a giant
step forward into the persona. Don't rehearse, just let this persona speak the first
response that comes to mind.

Interviewer, when your partner steps into persona, ask the following questions.
Be sure to address your partner as her/his persona at the beginning of each
question (e.g., "Loner" ... ,not "Bob" ... ). You may think of other questions to add
at the end. Use this as an outline. When you have finished the questions, take a
moment to shake off your roles, then switch places. Feel free to interview more
than one persona.

"(Loner), what's the most important thing to you?"

"________________, what are you most proud of?"
"________________when did you make your first appearance?"
"________________who did you learn your style from?"
"________________what are you most afraid of?"
"________________what do you most want?"

DISCUSSION:

Seminar and therapy participants have been amazed at the information stored
by their personas and its ready emergence with just an invitation. We want to
experience our personas fully and acknowledge all the ways they've served us.
When appreciation rather than disapproval occurs, a persona's hard edges and
 217

defenses seem to melt magically, allowing it to embrace more of our essential

characteristics. Also, couples have found that when they own their predominant
personas, they don't seem to lock into the same conflicts with each other.

The Costs and Payoffs of Attachment to Personas

This activity is designed to explore a predominant persona in more depth. We

have isolated the chief reasons that people continue to express persona rather
than their essential selves long after the initial need for personas has passed.
Choose a persona to work with and use it as you fill in the blanks in the following
sentences.

When Im in my________________ persona, I dont have to feel ____________, or

__________________ or ________________________ .

I get to be right and make ____________________ wrong.

I get to control _____________________ .

I get to avoid being controlled by ______________________ .

But ...

I don't get to try out the creative strategies of ____________________ , or

__________________, or ____________________ .

I lose vibrancy by _______________________

I don't make authentic contact with ______________________ .

I lose the opportunity for receiving ___________'s love.

Sometimes being in a particular persona requires others to be a certain way, that

is, to assume a complementary role. (For example, a Supercompetent may
require others to be lazy or ineffective so the Supercompetent can feel
competent and in charge; a Ramblin' Guy/Gal may require a Dependent/Clingy
partner to prove to the Ramblin' Guy/Gal that his/her emotional distancing is
justified.)
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My _____________________ persona requires that _____________________ be

________________________.

DISCUSSION:

When couples discover that they have actually been requiring the most
obnoxious traits in their partners, some laugh, some cry, but all are transformed
by the awareness. For example, when the light bulb came on for one woman, she
exclaimed, "You mean my Martyr persona actually requires that Todd ignore me
and override my requests! I can't believe it-I can believe it! If he were nice to me, I
wouldn't know what to do!"

Integrating Personas

This list suggests some attitudes and actions that various personas need to learn.
Personas often mask developmental tasks that humans need to master to be
whole. They also can mask feelings that need to be experienced for the persona
to become an expression of our essential selves. Examine this list in light of the
persona work you've already done. See if these tasks resonate with your
persona's needs.

PERSONA NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO

Conscientious relax, be okay with failure, lighten

expectations of perfection in self and
others

Supercompetent empower others, delegate and follow up,

cultivate inner stillness

Devoted cultivate an inner life of one's own, be

sensitive to own needs, establish
boundaries

Drama Queen/King meditate, develop inner quiet; know that

self is loved for self and
Performer/Flamboyant not only for
performance
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PERSONA NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO

Ramblin' Guy/Gal be close without running, set boundaries so

self is not engulfed

Victim take responsibility for own life, express

anger without blame, forgive

Critic love self unconditionally, forgive and

separate from parents

Loner reach out, share feelings with others,

acknowledge pain

Space Out stay with body sensations and get results

Mr./Ms. Nice Guy be angry effectively, say no, own shadow

feelings

Dependent/Clingy make own decisions, separate own

experience from others', consciously ask for
help instead of unconsciously
demanding/expecting it

Mr. Sick/Ms. Accidents identify and express feelings on the spot,

ask for nurturing consciously

Caretaker get others to take responsibility, let self be

taken care of; discover that self can be
loved without being useful

Stoic acknowledge vulnerability, loosen up, feel

emotions and sensations

Peter Pan/Tinker Bell keep agreements, follow through on

responsibilities, grow up

Hostile/Rebel listen to others, focus on getting ahead

rather than getting even, acknowledge and
 220

love inadequacies in self rather than

covering with bluster

Self-righteous get unstuck from positions gracefully,

make amends, apologize, feel lovable even
when wrong or committing errors

Chameleon acknowledge own wants and feelings, take

space consciously, cultivate steadiness and
clarity through meditation and telling truth

True Believer question, listen to own experience, value

self, forgive and separate from parents

Shy take graduated risks, speak out, speak up;

discover that self can be loved when not
hiding

Martyr avoid making suffering right, enjoy

enjoyment, make friends with own body

DISCUSSION:

After looking over this list, decide which persona you would be willing to focus on
for the next month as an ongoing project. Some

Of the tasks can be implemented immediately, and some will take time to
develop and master. When you have decided make a list of steps you will take to
learn those persona tasks, and when. If you find yourself changing priorities and
developing new tasks, alter your list. We recommend reviewing your persona
work once a week until it becomes integrated into your daily life.
 221

Example:

PERSONA TASK ACTION WHEN__

Chameleon Acknowledging Ask, What daily

own wants and do I want?
feelings (start with daily
decisions, like
food, clothes
schedules, going
out

Ask, What are my every hour
Body sensations (set watch)
And emotions?

Taking space take time off once/week
for no good
reason

Cultivating initiate alone time, daily
Steadiness meditation time

Cultivating clarity explore communa- once/week
cation activities until
truth is recognizable
and easy to communicate

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PERSONA TASK ACTION WHEN__

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

__________________ _________________ _________________________ ________

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EXERCISES ON PROJECTIONS

In the years since we wrote Centering and the Art of Intimacy we have come
to appreciate and respect the enormous power of projection. We often tell
couples that if they solve this central problem it will transform the quality of their
relationship beyond their wildest imaginings. Projection is the central hook
that snatches couples from intimacy into the quagmire of power struggles. When a
person exclaims indignantly, "But, wait a minute, s/he really does." we know we're
witnessing the hook.
Getting people to recognize and transform projection calls for skillful noticing and
intervention. Most people really resist turning the pointed finger of projection
toward themselves. And these are people who have some investment, both
monetary and time, in clearing up projection. It is an enormous act of courage
to wrestle our projections into clarity. It is also the most effective and powerful
move w e c an m ake.
The following experiences are reliable indicators of projection. In your
explorations notice when you feel:

righteous
indignant
wronged
blameless
in a life-or-death struggle
absolutely certain that it's your partner's fault

We can say with certainty, after working with over a thousand couples, projection is
the central energy drain in entangled relationships. And most couples come in
fighting over whose projection it is, or whose fault it is. To repeat a very
important sentence from C entering and the Art of Intimacy: "You get to know
what's projection and what's not only after you're willing to consider
everything as a projection." Many couples start sputtering in aggrieved tones
when we suggest exploring everything as a possible projection. But it is a simple
solution, and it works. Projection can be transformed into creative intimacy instantly
by considering this central question: "What might this issue have to do with me?"
If you ask and meditate on this question alone, in every situation, over the next
few months, you will take the most powerful step possible to heal yourself and
your relationship.
 224

The following activities are refinements of this central question that may be
useful as you work through projection.

Journal Activity

On a fresh left-hand page in your journal, fill in the blanks in the following
sentences. Ask yourself, ((What is it about my partner that drives me nuts?"

S/he's way too _____________________

S/he's not ______________________ enough

S/he's really lacking in ______________________

S/he always ______________________

If s/he would only ______________________

I can't believe s/he ______________________ again.

Now, on the opposite page, take each sentence and ask, What might this issue
have to do with me?

Notice your thoughts and feelings as you ask this question. We've found that
anger is a sure sign that projection is involved. Give yourself permission to
experience your feelings and continue to ask what this issue might have to do
with you. Even if your responses seem farfetched, acknowledge your intention to
reclaim and own the hook of projection.

Example:

S/he's way too bossy.

S/he's not sexy enough.
S/he's really lacking in articulateness.
S/he always corrects me in public.
If s/he would only clean up after cooking.
I can't believe s/he overdrew the checking account again.

 225

What might bossy have to do with me? I don't see myself as bossy. But I get
upset if everything isn't straightened up before we go out or do something fun.

What might not sexy enough have to do with me? I remember in high school
the guys who had really sexy girlfriends were cooler than us brainier types who
had few dates at all, much less with sexy girls. I guess I've thought that if you love
me, a nerd, you must not be sexy enough.

What might a lack of articulateness have to do with me? Well, I'm really sharp
about fixing things and talking about the logic of a situation. But when it comes
to feelings, whew, I just get tongue-tied.

What might correcting in public have to do with me? This one's a hard one to
face. Let's see ... I realize that Doris has been trying to get me to be more social
when she reminds me of people's names when we're out. And I get embarrassed
that I've forgotten, so I pick on her grammar. Ugh.

What might cleaning up after cooking have to do with me? I think I may have a
double standard here. When Doris cooks, I see that as her job, and the job isn't
finished until the kitchen is clean. But on the rare occasions when I make
something or get a snack, I don't think I'm really doing anything, so I don't clean
up.

What might overdrawing the checking account have to do with me? This is the
main place we have power struggles, over money. I make the money, so I have
the major responsibility to see that there's enough for all our bills, funds, savings,
and so on. Maybe Doris feels left out of this process. I'll have to ask her if she's
angry about how we handle our money-probably is.

When each of you has completed the entire activity, share your discoveries with
each other. Many couples find that this exercise opens surprisingly helpful
perspectives and possibilities for ending power struggles.

Who Is Seeing?

This activity is designed to clarify and open your perspective. Projection is

literally an out-of-body experience. We often use the analogy of a movie
projector when explaining the process of projection. The images on the screen
 226

are so compelling that very few people in the audience spend their time gazing
back at the projector in the far wall. But the projector is the source of the
pictures. Similarly, when we look at our partner, we forget that we are the source
of how we see.

INSTRUCTIONS:

You'll need a tape recorder with a microphone that you can read the following
questions and sentences into. Read each sentence slowly and pause for two long,
slow breaths before moving to the next. Don't worry about responding verbally;
just notice your reaction to these questions.

What thoughts and body sensations come up for you as you look at your
partner?
Who is the you who is seeing this person?
Is it more important to be right than it is to see the essence of this
person?
When did I first learn to see the world this way?
Be aware of whatever your body and mind are doing.
Notice this face carefully. Is this the face you'd want to be looking at as
you say good-bye to this life?
Through the eyes you're seeing through, is there space for this person to
be magnificent? To be okay?
In the quality of your seeing and listening, is there space for your partner
to reach her/his full evolution?
Does your seeing or listening hold your partner back at all?
Does your seeing or listening make space for celebration?

When you are ready, sit facing each other, with or without touch contact as you
prefer, and stay in eye contact as you listen to the words you've recorded. After
the tape is finished, rest for a few minutes. First record your discoveries in your
journal, then take a few minutes to share whatever you've learned with your
partner.

 227

The Projection Theater

In these sentence-completion activities you'll get a chance to connect your

favorite projections with the actions they produce. Our projections have
tremendous impact on the ways we interact with our partners and the world. It's
very tempting to point the finger and say, "It's your fault." It's much more difficult
and more empowering to claim our responsibility in creating our world.

Take a blank sheet in your journal and complete the following sentences. You
may wish to complete some more than once as you uncover more attitudes and
projections.

In order to see the world as ________________, I must be __________________.

(e.g., In order to see the world as making me wrong, I must be feeling not good
enough. In order to see the world as a hostile place, I must be feeling scared.)

If I am acting _____________________ , the world (other people) looks

______________________.

(e.g., If I am acting supercompetent, the world looks incompetent. If I am acting

dependent, other people look strong and dependable. If I am acting like a loner,
other people look intrusive and clingy.)

In order to see my partner as __________________________ , I must be

_____________________ .

(e.g., In order to see my partner as a policeman, I must be a rebel. In order to see

my partner as inferior, I must be superior.)

If I am acting ______________________ , my partner looks _________________.

(e.g., If I am acting like a victim, my partner looks like my oppressor. If I am acting

like a critic, my partner looks like s/he's doing it wrong.)

If ________________________ really looks like it's my partner's fault, I must be

seeing _________________.

(e.g., If the mess around here really looks like it's my partner's fault, I must be
seeing our house as only her/his responsibility. If our arguments look like my
partner's fault, I must be seeing that I'm right.)
 228

Moving Through Projection

For this activity, use a tape recorder or camcorder to record your responses so
you'll be free to experiment without focusing on remembering what you said.

STEP ONE

Start about 10 feet apart. Partner A moves away from Partner B until s/he notices
a thought, body sensation, or internal visual image about Partner B. Partner A
then reports the experience out loud. Partner A then moves closer to Partner B
until s/he notices a thought, body sensation, or internal visual image about
Partner B, then stops to report it out loud. Repeat these steps four or five times,
then switch roles.

Example:

Sheila moves a few steps away from Cameron. "You look angry."
Sheila then moves closer to Cameron until she notices an experience. "I
had a thought that you must be bored with me."
Moving away again: "Your shoulders are tensing up."
Moving closer: "You look smaller as I get closer."

STEP TWO

Each partner write a list of what you said (and did) in a column on the left side of
a large piece of paper. When the list is complete, move to the right side of the
page and rewrite each sentence beginning with "I ..." or "My ..."

Example:

You look angry. I am feeling irritated today.

You must be bored with me. I am bored with me.
Your shoulders are tensing up. My shoulders and neck are tensing
up.
You look smaller as I get closer. I get smaller when I get close
to you.
 229

Are any of your "l-My ..."sentences familiar? Are things you criticized in your
partner or have been criticized for yourself experiences in common? Explore
together how what you see might be a mirror of who you are.

Open yourself up to the possibility that what you think is about your partner may
be an unclaimed part of yourself. Are there any commitments or actions that will
support each of you in claiming these un-owned aspects of yourselves? For
example, one couple went on a "you" diet. They practiced communicating only
with sentences that began with "I." They were astounded to discover how
difficult it was to stay with "I" and how tempting it was to move into "you." After
a week or so they noticed that they were each experiencing more intimacy and
more creativity. Their usual round of complaints had largely disappeared.

PROBLEM SOLVING

After twenty-plus years of work with couples, we have confirmed two central
truths:

1. You are never upset for the reason you think.

2. Problems aren't solved in the state of awareness in which they occur.

For example, in a couples session recently, the wife was complaining about her
husband's lack of responsibility. "If only he would contribute his fair share in daily
tasks I could get some rest and not feel overwhelmed all the time!" He looked
rather sheepish, but defiant, as she exclaimed about his regular shortcomings in
the duty arena. As we worked with the couple, using the key instructions you'll be
practicing in a moment, they discovered that the ongoing argument always
occurred when they had the opportunity for some unstructured play time. She
began to realize that she had no idea how to receive nurturing from her husband.
Her early family experience had been isolated and chaotic, so she learned to take
care of herself (and everything else) before she entered school. In other words,
she was a responsibility policeman. He began to see that he had learned to be
oppositional in his relationship with his father. Being a delinquent was the only
way to get his father's attention. So he needed a policeman in order to relate at
all. They began to see that they were not only stuck in a pattern but glued to a
constant repetition of strategies that had been devised by children.
 230

This activity creates space for truth to emerge magically and for solutions to
spontaneously flower from the creative storehouse waiting to be unlocked by
willingness and openness. The structure is very simple; the results can be
profound.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Stand facing your partner. Have a Ping-Pong communication exchange, where

you take turns saying out loud, "I am willing to solve the problem. Pause after
each statement for two deep, relaxed belly breaths. Notice whatever sensations,
emotions, and specific thoughts arise during the pause. Each of you says the
phrase out loud four or five times.

Now take turns saying the phrase out loud, pausing for two long breaths, and
telling the truth about whatever you experience. Do your best to just notice and
describe; avoid analysis.

Example:

Fred: I am willing to solve the problem. [pause] I notice my shoulders hitching up

and the thought, Yeah, right, I wish it was that simple!

Gloria: I am willing to solve the problem. [pause] I feel really confused and sad. I
don't really know what the problem is.

Fred: I am willing to solve the problem. [pause] I notice a little sense of lightness
in my chest, and you look different to me than you did a few minutes ago.
That's really interesting! You seem more friendly, prettier. I wonder if I have
anything to do with that.

Gloria: I am willing to solve the problem. [pause] I felt a breeze of relief through
my front. I really am willing to solve the problem; it's not just words. And I still
don't understand, but I feel clearer inside.

Learning to Love Yourselves Together

Most problems in relationships are a reflection of feeling unlovable. In the perfect

fit that most couples have, one person's unlovable feelings trigger a
complementary set in his/her partner, and off they go, fighting for the victim
 231

position. Instead of defending or denying these natural feelings, we suggest

learning to love these states in each other. The following exercise is best done at
a quiet, uninterrupted time.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Decide who will be the first lover and who the lovee. Lovee, identify the place in
your body that gets tense, tight, or painful when you feel unlovable. Lover, hold
that place and love your partner's essence.

Lover, while the lover is holding you, tell the truth about all the emotions,
sensations, images, and thoughts connected with feeling unlovable. Keep saying
out loud whatever emerges as you focus on the experience of feeling unlovable.

Lover, keep holding, and, lover, keep telling the truth until you feel complete.
This will be signaled by feeling blissful, peaceful, and/or lovable. After a pause,
switch roles.

Becoming Aware of Your Underlying Intentions

Many problems in relationships are not caused by what we say but how we say it.
Research indicates that upward of 80 percent of communication is nonverbal. So
it's often not the content that causes uproar, but the sighs, inflections, body
language, and accompanying symphony of nonverbal communication that is the
culprit. Awareness is a powerful tool in fitting your communication more closely
to your experience. Use this activity to check your communication intentions and
see if you want to revise your attitudes or actions.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Each of you write down your account of your last argument, from beginning to
end. First, what did you say and what did your partner say? What happened, what
did you see, feel, and notice? Do your best to not edit.

Working independently from your partner, look at each of the following

questions and use it to examine your account of the argument.

Did what and how you communicated produce the result you intended? For
example, did you intend to create a unified plan to deal with the kids' homework,
and instead, the result produced by your communication is that your partner is
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sleeping in the living room? Here is the bottom line. The result you create reflects
your unconscious intention.

Why did this argument arise at this time? In other words, what might be
happening between you and your partner if you weren't engaged in this conflict?
Couples find that these questions uncover the potential that conflict often
overshadows. For example, opportunities to have spontaneous fun get overrun
by habitual power struggles.

What is the truth about your communication? What's the deepest, unarguable
truth? Go back over your account of the argument and search for the sentences
that couldn't possibly be argued about. You may not find any. If not, look inside
to discover the truth that you want to communicate. We may say, for example, "I
didn't mean to start an argument." But the result is that an argument ensued.
Recognize that the result is your unconscious intention and tell the truth about it.
"I don't want to argue and I do want to argue." That asserts your responsibility
again and allows you to create clearly what you most deeply want.

After you have completed these questions, share your discoveries with each
other. What did you learn about your communication style? Is there anything you
want to make new agreements about?

The Delicate Art of Giving Feedback

What distinguishes feedback from criticism? In our explorations with couples and
colleagues we have come to see that for most people the distinction between
giving genuine feedback and criticizing is quite muddied. People confuse control
and blame with feedback. Very few people see when they are projecting instead
of giving feedback. And often opinions and judgments are disguised as feedback,
creating confusion and misunderstanding.

One of the first communication errors that many partners make is to give
unsolicited feedback. Take a moment and reflect on your agreements with your
partner. Have you consciously decided that your relationship is transparent, that
each of you is deeply interested in growth? Is each of you more interested in
growth or in looking good? In our book Conscious Loving we discuss this in the Six
Co-commitments as "I commit to revealing rather than concealing." Over the
years we've found that this commitment is the most difficult for most people. So
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many of us associate revealing ourselves with pain and hurt, and it seems crazy to
voluntarily open ourselves to more. We have found that truth is the only safety,
the unarguable truth. If your relationship is grounded in the commitment to
telling the truth, everything that comes up can become fuel for intimacy and
growth.

The agreement to welcome feedback can be one of the liveliest couples make,
but making an unconscious deal to keep an eye on the other is very different and
creates dramatically different results. For example, several years ago I (Kathlyn)
was focusing on dressing to enhance my features. I asked Gay to give me
feedback if something I was wearing didn't look good on me. One Sunday as we
were dressing to present a lecture, he said, "That dress makes you look fat." My
first response was hurt and outrage. What poor timing! Didn't he see I was
gearing up to be in public and didn't need to be undercut at the last minute?!
After a few heated moments I remembered that I had asked Gay for feedback.
Here I had responded to him much the same way the Terri Garr character
responded in the movie Tootsie when Dustin Hoffman told her the truth about
being in love with another woman. "I know I asked, I just didn't know how I would
feel about it!" she sputtered after she exploded at him.

Feedback can bring up deep feelings and memories. Gay's feedback brought up
years of sadness over feeling plump and unattractive, as well as anger that I first
directed at him. I, as do most people, heard his words as, ''There's something
wrong with you." Fortunately, I soon remembered my commitment to revealing.
I really did want to know anything that prevented me from being as effective as
possible. As I explored my feelings, I found that I had been a little unsure of my
presentation that day; I didn't feel like a shining example of enlightened
couplehood. I realized I had unconsciously dressed to match that internal state,
which Gay had seen and reflected back to me. I changed my outfit and donated
the other one.

In this activity you'll learn to give and receive feedback in a neutral way. Most
couples find this process very rewarding, even in the initial stages.
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STEP ONE

The Contract

Make an agreement with your partner about your availability for feedback. Are
you open to feedback all the time? Do you want to be asked first, "Do you want
feedback about this?" Would it be most empowering for each of you to ask for
feedback rather than wait for it? Take some time to decide what your intention is
here and make an agreement that works for both of you. Many people find that
asking is very helpful as they sort out their past experiences of criticism from the
present intention to receive feedback. When you have made an agreement, write
it down and put it somewhere visible, like on the bathroom mirror or the
refrigerator.

STEP TWO

Practicing Description

It is useful to pretend you are speaking to a Martian in this activity. Assume that
your partner doesn't know your personal shorthand, idioms, or clichs. We'll
focus on the meaning of describe given in the dictionary: "to trace or outline."
Rather than interpreting and judging, do your best to outline what you see and
experience.

Stand facing each other. Decide who will be the first subject and who the first
describer. Subject, make a face. Choose any expression you wish, and hold that
face for a minute or so. Describer, verbally describe what you see. How is the
subject's face shaped? What parts stand out? Do your best to paint such a vivid
picture that someone hearing your words in another room could draw a picture
that matches the face your partner is making.

When the description is complete, switch roles. Each of you make three or four
faces and describe them. The following two examples are included to help you
distinguish between description and interpretation.

Description: "I see your eyebrows scrunched toward the middle of your face, and
there are two deep vertical furrows between your eyebrows. Your eyes are
almost closed. Your nose has wrinkles along the sides, and the tip is drawn up.
Your mouth is puckered with a circle opening about the size of a dime. Your chin
 235

has little indentations in it, and your cheeks under your cheekbones are hollowed
out, a little more on the left than the right."

Interpretation: "You look like you're smelling something bad, or like you're angry.
I think you're angry with me and won't tell me."

Now decide who will be the first talker and who the first describer. Talker, take
several minutes to discuss an issue you're working on or a problem you want to
solve. Describer, watch and listen as your partner speaks. When s/he is finished,
reflect back to the talker what you saw and heard as if you were mirroring exactly
what happened. Of course you'll tend to want to color your account with
projections and interpretations, but do your best to reflect. When you are
finished, switch roles. Only after each of you has had a turn, discuss your
experiences when being described.

STEP THREE

Practicing Owning Your Experience

Stand or sit facing each other and maintain eye contact. Choose a recent
issue or problem that you are both willing to solve. Take turns exchanging
sentences about your experience. The key in this step is "I." Begin all your
sentences with "I," r ather t han " you." C ontinue exchanging "I" sentences
until the issue shifts.

Example:

Keri: I 'm c onfused a nd d on't k now w hat t o d o.
Daniel: I feel my mind going blank.
Keri: I w ant m ore h elp w ith t he h ousehold s tuff.
Daniel: I feel pushed when you say that.
Keri: I'm s cared t o a sk y ou f or t hings.
Daniel: Y ou l ook scared ... n o, w ait ... I'm experiencing hesitation a nd a k ind
of s hutting d own.
Keri: I j ust h ad a n i mage o f m y f ather a nd m other a fter d inner, when my dad
would go into the den and read the paper, while my mother would bang pots
and pans around but not ask for dad's help with the dishes. I remember
that whenever she did a sk, h e'd r oar a bout h ow h ard h e w orked a ll d ay.
 236

Daniel: I f eel m y c hest l etting g o w ith a w hoosh. I 'm r elieved t o hear your
memory. I've been afraid that all my free time will b e t aken u p w ith
chores. I a m w illing t o h elp.

Interrupting Routines

Being close observers of the cycles of relationship, we have cataloged some
sure signs of the deadly routine monster. When we're i n a r estaurant a nd
see a c ouple w ho a re b oth l ooking i nto t he m iddle d istance w ith r ather
blank e xpressions, w e t end t o t hink, " long-term, b oring m arriage." W e
don't t end t o t hink t hat o f a couple who are holding hands, smiling, and talking
with animation. W e t hink, r ather, " humm, d ating. S he h asn't s nagged h im
yet."

It's a shame, really, that we tend to see routine as synonymous with relationship.
Many articles in women's magazines (note the role of responsibility here) discuss
ways to revive your man's interest in the relationship when the inevitable
doldrums occur. We advocate an equally shared responsibility for re-creating
your bond and interest in growth. One of the most effective methods for
maintaining interest is jostling set patterns.

INSTRUCTIONS:

The following are some simple and effective methods for interrupting routines
and opening new possibilities for contact. Couples who have used them find
them especially helpful when they are stuck.

Have a writing conversation (no talking), with each of you using your non-
dominant hand. We recommend using a large sheet of blank paper for this
activity and having oil pastels in a variety of colors on hand. Couples discover the
process of their communication using this technique, rather than getting bogged
down in the content. For example, one pair discovered that she interrupted just
before he completed a sentence. Another couple noticed that they were very
careful to define how much of the paper was "theirs." Each was waiting for the
other to "cross the line."

If you enjoy the writing conversation, try a drawing conversation, with no words
on the paper. Couples have found they quickly come to the core of their issue
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using this activity, and it tends to soften the hard edges that often come with
habitual verbal patterns.

Move and speak at the same time. Often in stress we freeze in a position or belief
that keeps us recycling the same pattern with each other. Find the place in your
body that is most frozen and gently move it as you speak.

Drop the words and have a nonverbal conversation. We have worked with many
couples who get locked into verbal analysis and interpretation with an intensity
that depletes any other kind of contact. They are amazed at the effect of
dropping out the words and continuing communication with gestures and
movement. A new world of possibilities opens up. Sometimes couples will drop the
words and continue the conversation with sounds and movement, with hilarious
and lightening impact on the previously somber discussion.

Change positions as you speak. For example, move your hands and arms into a new
position, or stretch. If you feel adventurous, talk leaning over with your head
between your legs or walk backward. Many people have noticed that they
habitually sit in the same chair in the dining room, for example. At dinnertime,
that place becomes associated over time with a certain personality and way of
seeing partner and family. Gently interrupting positions can loosen stuck
patterns in a way that partners find fun and even amusing.

Change places in the room with your partner. Exchange places and sit or stand the
way your partner was.

Exaggerate your position until it breaks down or shifts. For example, if you are
shaking your finger at your partner, keep shaking it more and more
vigorously. One woman collapsed laughing as she felt the ridiculousness of her
exaggerated pointing behavior. She said she felt like a hunting dog.

Choosing Relationship

We want to share with you the further reaches of intimacy. Beyond healing past
wounds and making agreements that move into a new future, we want to propose
a new context for relationship. Close relationship is about supporting and
enhancing each other's highest
potential. We think this is a better idea than using the relationship to
comfortably snooze through life, or leaning on each other and limiting growth,
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or desperately holding on to positions for decades. The central foundation for

supporting each other's full potential is choosing the relationship. Choosing is
an act of expanding, of coming forward into space rather than contracting
and shrinking away. Choosing creates a boundary where both partners can be in
touch with themselves and each other. For example: If I choose to tell the truth, to
initiate speaking of a feeling I'm having, or a perception, I occupy space and present
a tangible boundary for my partner to contact. If I have a feeling and conceal it, I
contract into isolated space, out of contact with my partner. The incomplete
feeling creates a vacuum. In the attempt to regain contact, my partner may be
drawn to question, nag, or attack.

The consistent act of choosing experience is like using your energy to fill your
own sails. The momentum carries you forward into the unknown waters of
creativity in ways that may not initially be clear. New ideas pop up, seemingly out
of nowhere. Connections between apparently unrelated things occur. Dreams
become richer. Life changes from defending against the anticipated assault to
welcoming the next opportunity to learn and create.

In each successful relationship we've encountered, at some point the partners

actively and freely chose the relationship over a host of alternatives. And, sadly,
we have also seen relationships in which people would rather die than give up a
belief or pattern. Couples have also said, "I really want this relationship to work,
but I'm just stuck. I don't understand why this keeps happening."

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In times of conflict, the following activity can assist you in recognizing the
thoughts and patterns that most often keep people stuck. This is journal activity
that you can do alone or working independently with your partner.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Each of you complete the following sentences independently.

I choose this relationship over _____________________________

(e.g., I choose this relationship over being in control; I choose this relationship
over being right.)

I choose 100 percent responsibility for creating the relationship I want over

________________________

(e.g., waiting to respond to my partner's ideas; fighting over the scarcity of

resources I imagine.)

I choose to support my partner's potential over _________________________

(e.g., looking good; my timetable.)

Now do your best to summarize in one or two sentences and list in your
journal the recurring conflict(s) of your relationship(s). What is the core of the
problem? For example:
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John doesn't help around the house (and I get mad).

Margaret flirts with everyone at parties (and I feel rejected).
We don't talk enough.
I can't stand his parents.
We fight over how to raise the kids.

Next, look over the following list and ask, "Which of these am I choosing over
making our relationship my absolute priority?' In other words, I prefer this way of
being to having a relationship that works.

I would rather be right.

I prefer to be in control.
I don't like people telling me what to do.
Im still mad about, ________________ and I prefer to hold on to that.
the way I'm going to continue to be.
I learned ____________________ from my parents, and thats the way Im
going to continue to be.
I'm waiting for him/her to make the first move.

When you've looked carefully at your conflict and what you are currently
choosing, ask yourself, "Am I willing to choose the relationship over ?" Notice
what thoughts and feelings arise when you ask this question. Here are some
examples of frequently encountered problematic responses.

Now I have to do everything.

If I do that, it will be all my fault.
I want to admit fault.
I don't know how else to be.
I don't think it will do any good.

Whatever your response is, take two or three deep, long breaths to acknowledge
and be with it, then ask again, "Am I willing to choose the relationship over
____________________ ?" Stay with the process of asking and noticing until you
can answer with a clear yes, or a clear no. Sometimes people are alarmed to
discover that they are really not willing. A clear no, however, can unwind an
entanglement as well as a clear yes. It gives you a ground to build on. Feelings
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and other ramifications result from "no," but ''yes'' also shifts the relationship in
ways that bring up feelings and the need for new actions and agreements.

If you are doing this activity with a partner, continue with this last step. When
each of you has completed the activity to this point, share your discoveries with
the intention of noticing if any new agreements need to be made as a result of
your exploration. Use your journals to note down the specific intentions and
actions that you will make and take, and when.

Strategies for Getting Unstuck

Even the most enlightened couples get stuck now and then. The best intentions
and most diligent integrity don't always prevent the demons from coming up. In
fact, the love of a close relationship will invite the shadows and muck into the
light where you can love and resolve them.

When people are stuck in their relationships, they often use the following words
to describe their experience: stuck, solid, hard, heavy, dull, flat. These
expressions have a similar quality of increased density and less liveliness.
Regardless of the content, being stuck slows us down. If some action or
movement can be generated in the stuck state, the relationship begins to look
possible again. We seem to find solutions to insoluble problems without much
effort. It's that first step that people find so difficult.

These strategies are designed to be used when you are stuck. They are tried and
tested first steps to unsticking the problem. Most people find it useful to become
familiar with them in a time of relative ease and harmony so the activities are
easy to implement even when you feel hopeless.

Take a few deep belly breaths and breathe out with a sound.
Look around the room and describe what you actually see. Then look at
your partner and describe what you see.
Tell the truth. Anything that couldn't be argued about. For example, "My
shoelace is untied. I see light on the desk. My throat is dry." Gay calls this
"the cosmic steam iron."
Say out loud, "I love myself for feeling ____________." Or "I love myself
for being stuck."
Move your body. Find the places that are tense and move them in a new
way.
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Do something for someone else. This will often break the vapor lock of
stuck-ness and restart the flow of positive energy.
Express an appreciation about your partner. Find something that you are
grateful for and say it out loud.

Creating a New Future

Most problem solving is mistakenly rooted in the past. We try to walk into the
future looking over our shoulder at the way we've always done it. Or we are
keeping score of our partner's faults or misdemeanors. The worst way to build
your relationship is from the past. For those of you who have seen the movie
Scrooge~ or read Dickens's A Christmas Carol) problem solving from the past is
like the chains on Marley's ghost. Each past slight or wrongdoing drags you down
into the past again.

This activity gives you the opportunity to create a fresh future. You can design a
future that will support new actions. Couples use this activity to form a future
based on what they want rather than what they had. It is an extension of ''The
Enlightening Relationship Two-Step," an activity described earlier, with a
problem-solving focus. You will need enough clear space to stand and move
around a little.

STEP ONE

Choose an issue that you are both interested in redesigning. Then I decide who
will be the creator first, and who will be the recorder. Recorder, you'll jot down
the creator's words and actions during this part of the activity. ';

Creator, find a place in the room to stand that represents how I it is. Take several
minutes to fully communicate verbally and physically the truth about how it is.
Include your perceptions, beliefs, projections, what you've learned, rules,
feelings, body sensations, and anything else you notice. Explain how it is as if you
were talking to a Martian who doesn't understand clichs, assumptions or the
phrase "you know."

When you feel complete, switch roles.

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STEP TWO

Creator, move to a new place in the room that represents the future. Actually
step into the future, then turn to face your partner. From this place, standing in
the future, describe what you want. Don't worry about h(JW you're going to get
there. Describe what you want as if it already exists. Paint it in as much detail as
you wish. When you feel complete, switch roles. For example, this couple chose
to work with the issue of better sex in their relationship.

HOW IT IS:

Myra: We seem to always have sex at the end of the day after work, kids, laundry,
meals, ironing, etc. Often I'm just too tired. Then, I'm afraid I'm too fat and
that you find me unattractive. Sex feels routine, like we're going through the
motions. I find myself making lists during sex, and I'm embarrassed to admit
that. I don't feel comfortable to tell you what I want. I learned that good girls
didn't even think about sex, much less talk about it in detail. I know you get
those magazines and hide them, but I sneak looks at the women; then I really
feel dumpy.

Ned: My mind is on keeping my job right now, and I have a lot of anxiety about
making ends meet, with the kids getting ready for high school, driving-
college is just down the road. It seems like I don't have much juice left over for
sex. I love you, but sex isn't very exciting anymore. It's interesting I realize I
learned that nice girls don't have sex either, so if sex were to be really great, I
probably wouldn't respect you. Isn't that crazy!? ... Women are still
mysterious to me. I guess you're still mysterious to me. I don't know what you
want, and sometimes I feel like it's all my job to please you, figure out what
you need, run that whole show. Part of me just says, "Why bother."

WHAT I WANT (From new places in the room):

Myra: As if it already exists? ... Okay. We make love at different times of the day,
and in different rooms. Sometimes we tease each other about what we're
going to do later. You call me from work and tell me you've been thinking
about how much you like my skin and the way I smell. I tell you the things I
like and appreciate you for being interested in pleasing me. I focus sometimes
just on pleasuring you and don't let you do anything.
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Ned: I'm liking this already. Let's see ... We make a special date one evening a
week, where no chores get done. We spend time doing something special
together, dinner or a concert or a late picnic. The kids are banished to the
movies or friends' houses. We spend at least an hour in foreplay, where we
invent at least one new activity or variation and enjoy the favorites we've
learned about. We feel easy about telling each other what we want and in
exchanging roles to be receptive and active. Gee, when can we start?

DISCUSSION:

You can use this activity for big or little issues in your relationship. Couples have
found it especially useful with issues about sex and money. We chose sex as the
example because that is one of the main areas of conflict and confusion in many
relationships. Notice in the example that no time is spent justifying or explaining
how it is or blaming the partner for the couple's experience. Also, the future
doesn't have to bear much resemblance to how it is currently. You can make it up
from this moment forward. After moving through this activity people notice a
remarkable new space for resolution. Things seem to shift almost magically,
without a lot of effort or struggle. When you have communicated the past and
present completely, it is easier to release yourselves into a possible future that
you design.

TAMING YOUR UPPER-LIMITS DRAGON

In Centering and the Art of Intimacy we spent a chapter discussing the upper-
limits problem, which we now abbreviate to ULP, which resembles the sound
some people make when they realize they've stumbled into another pattern of
limiting positive energy. Since that book was published we have come to see that
ULP is really
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our basic relationship problem and evolutionary question. If we can spot the
times and ways in which we automatically decrease our potential for more
aliveness, we are charting new territory in human history. As a species we have
thousands of years of experience in anticipating the worst and preparing for it.
We have relatively little history where positive feelings such as love and harmony
have been recognized, much less cultivated.

In close relationships, there is ultimately only one problem we need to solve: how
not to place an upper limit on how much love and positive energy we exchange.
When you open up to more love and energy, you begin to flush old glitches out of
the system. Your energy thermostat is reset higher, and sometimes this sets off
your alarms. Genuine contact with another person gets you high, and this trips
the upper-limits switch, making you want to come back down to a more familiar
level. We call this the upper-limits problem.

The alternative to setting upper limits is to notice when you are starting to get
into something negative, recognize it as an upperlimits issue, and take steps to
correct it. Some ofthe best steps are to feel the feelings in your body rather than
projecting them onto someone else, tell the truth, take some space, breathe,
love yourself.

There are several ways we limit positive energy in relationships. See if any of
these are familiar. One is by starting arguments, out of fear of intimacy, at times
when we could be exchanging intimacy. Another is by withholding significant
communications. We get scared of being close, for example, and instead of
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telling the microscopic truth about it ("My belly felt tight and my skin contracted
..."), we withdraw and swallow the communication. Another way we limit positive
energy is by needing to control or dominate the other person (or needing to be
controlled or dominated). If we always have to be right, for example, there is no
room in the relationship for happiness and co-creativity.

After sorting out communication problems and the presenting issues that bring
them into therapy, most couples come to realize that they repeat the upper-
limits problem over and over. Then they feel better individually and together,
that trips their energy thermostat, and ULP results. If you had to choose just one
concept in this book to focus on, we'd recommend this series. If you can
illuminate your particular ULP your life and relationship will take a giant leap.

Our explorations and research indicate that times of intimacy are the most common
times for the upper-limits dragon to emerge. When you feel closest the temptation
to control or slip into unconscious patterns will be strongest. These activities are
designed to help you become aware of your upper-limits habits and to have more
choice in taming the dragon.

STEP ONE

Identifying the Triggers (When):

Identifying your ULP in time and space is the first step to breaking through to a
higher level of well-being. We'll focus first on what is occurring now so we'll know
where changes may need to take place. Make an ULP section in your journal.
Over the next week see what you can discover about the following.

Notice what happens after a period of feeling really good. For example, many
people have noticed the following sequence. First comes the thought, "I don't
know if I can stand everything going so well much longer," then something
happens to deflate the good times.

Notice your thoughts and experience just as the happiness rolls over into a
sense of dissatisfaction. Is there a particular time when these experiences seem
to occur? For example, many couples specialize in what we call "The Friday Night
Fights" in anticipation of an intimate weekend together.

Notice any regular time that these patterns of critical thoughts come up. For
example, one couple noticed that criticism most often erupted in the late
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evenings. Before they made their ULP chart they hadn't realized how frequently
they became critical just before bedtime and the potential for sex.

Over the week see if the timing of your ULP pattern produces a particular form
when you plot the connected highs and lows. For example, some people build up
a good feeling steadily over time, then lose it suddenly. Their pattern would look
like going off a cliff. Other people may have little bursts of feeling good, followed
by the strong comments of a loud critical inner voice that they do battle with.
Their ULP might look like bumps in the road.

STEP TWO

Noting Your Favorite Upper-Limits Behaviors (What)

Here are some examples of specific activities people have noticed that invariably
bring them down. It is important to notice if these behaviors occur when you are
fighting great and things are going well.

Be aware, if you or your partner starts an argument, that this is the most
popular way to sabotage times of intimacy and good feeling.

Notice when worry thoughts, about self, kids, work, etc., arise.

See if you change the subject when energy is sparkling between you.

Be aware if your ULP involves body metaphors, such as bumping into things.
(This is Kathlyn's favorite. Gay can always tell that Kathlyn has had an unusually
good week when he'll ask, "Where did you get that bruise?" and Kathlyn answers,
"Gee, I don't remember getting it.")

See if anyone else in the family is the designated upper-limits switch. For
example, one couple was beginning to get closer after several years of conflict;
then their teenage son started getting into trouble at school.

Observe whether you create environmental ULP. For example, several couples
have noticed what we call the Plumbing Issue as a favorite way to come out of
feeling harmonious. The husband calls from work to invite the wife to dinner to
celebrate his successful project, and she says, ''Thank goodness you called. The
toilet is backed up again."

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Notice repeated physical patterns that decrease your feeling good and when
these occur. Some examples are: getting sick before an important presentation,
feeling too sleepy to make love to an interested partner, and accidents.

The rising and falling line that appears above represents a typical cycle. When
you have identified your favorite upper-limits strategies, take some time to chart
these behaviors in the appropriate places along the line. Usually the down cycle
will begin just as good feeling is peaking, although we've worked with people
who anticipate good times by bringing themselves down before it gets to be too
much.

STEP THREE

Finding the Source of the Pattern

One at a time, take a look at your ULP behaviors and the particular times they
tend to arise. Note down your feelings and responses as you ask yourself these
questions for each behavior.

''Why is this issue coming up at this time?"

___________________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

''What might I be moving into or exploring if I weren't engaged in this problem?"

___________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________

For example, one couple who had been separated for several years had decided,
as a result of their therapy work, to move back together. In this session we were
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looking at the specific tasks and agreements that were needed to support the
move by the first of the month. As Vince agreed to dean out years of
accumulated stuff to make space for Linda to have her own separate room (e.g.,
thirty years of Natural Geographic magazines), we noticed Linda becoming more
and more angry. She sighed, sniffed, and greeted each suggestion with a
sarcastic remark. We asked her, ''Why is this anger coming up at this time?" At
first, she resisted any hint that her anger might have some relationship to the
possibility of life working better. After several snorting retorts, she actually
considered the question. She immediately recognized that anger was her
habitual defense against life working. She had learned early in life that good
times were fleeting, but that struggle and hard work were constants. As her face
softened, Linda said, "I'm really afraid to try something new. I can't believe that
Vince is really more interested in our relationship than his archives and doing
things a set way. If I get huffy at least I feel I have some control. But I see I really
don't have much fun that way."

STEP FOUR

Changing Upper-Limits Patterns

Take each upper-limits behavior in your chart and design an activity you can do
instead. Then when you recognize that your ULP has emerged you can make a
conscious choice to do something different. You will actually be creating new
pathways for joy and aliveness instead of trudging down the same old ruts. While
still honoring the ebb and flow of energy, you can create a smoother flow for
growth. Over time, the up-down rollercoaster of the upper-limits problem can
change to: feel good, rest and integrate, feel better, take space.
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On a daily basis, the following techniques are helpful in enlightening

relationships:

Take plenty of time off from the relationship. A close relationship is powerfully
transformative, and you need lots of rest time to integrate the learnings from it.

Tell the microscopic truth, especially about what is going on in your body.

Let the other person (and yourself) go through complete energy cycles. If the
other person is sad, support them in crying to completion. Don't try to help them
feel better, help them feel more deeply the emotion they are experiencing.

Give each other plenty of nonsexual touching. Sex is great, of course, but many
people do not give as much attention to nonsexual touching. We all need touch in
large quantities.

After periods of intense intimacy, get grounded in a positive way, such as

through massage, a walk, dancing, completing important communications, or
cleaning up your desk.

Have at least three friends who will call you on your act, gently remind you that
you create your reality, and remind you to breathe and open up to love once
again.

Here are some examples of changes people have made in their upper-limits
behavior.

Worry thoughts: ''When I notice myself worrying about money, I take a deep
breath and repeat in my mind, 'I am wealthy in my life, in my family's closeness,
and in my friends.' "

Changing the subject: "I don't always catch myself changing the subject, but
when I do I pause and take two breaths to notice what I'm really feeling. I've
noticed that I'm usually scared about things being too good and spinning out of
control. It's amazing-I just say that, and my fear dissolves!' "

Body metaphors: Kathlyn uses the clue of bumping into things to remember to
take some time off from being supercompetent and to nurture her body directly.
She says that she's learned her body is saying, "Pay attention to me!" at those
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times, so she'll get a massage, soak in the hot tub, give herself a facial, as more
positive ways to attend to herself.

Starting arguments: Glenda and Rob have an agreement now that whenever an
argument begins on Friday night, they will change their physical position, take
several belly breaths, and rigorously practice telling the unarguable truth until
they uncover the source of the ULP.

Environmental metaphors: The unconscious can be quite creative in bringing

subtle issues to awareness. The authors discovered an interesting, if
inconvenient, environmental ULP. After several vacations and creative working
trips, we came home to discover a problem in the pipes. Once when we returned
from a great trip to Hawaii we found several water pipes had burst at the
mountain house. Another time all the drains in the kitchen had backed up. The
third time, when the sewer line backed up after our most successful road trip, we
said, "Humm. This looks like an upper-limits pattern to us." We got clear that we
were willing to move into higher levels of positive energy, and not let any flow
problems bring us down, and, so far, that problem has not recurred.

Physical patterns: Gloria noticed that several times a year, she would get sick
just before a major presentation at work. She explored this as a possible ULP,
and discovered that she was repeating her get-sick response to skipping a grade
and going into anew, more creative, but strange classroom. She was amazed to
see that her life was still being guided by an eight-year-old. From her exploration,
she invented a new strategy. When she found out a project would be due soon,
she blocked out a little time each day to spend dialoguing with her inner child.
She found that just ten minutes of being with and loving the scared eight-year-
old freed her of the current pattern. At last report, she was having lots of fun
inventing new presentation styles and getting great feedback from customers.

Use the following space to list your upper-limits patterns and the alternate
activity you've designated.

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UPPER-LIMITS PATTERN NEW BEHAVIOR

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

______________________________________________ __________________________________________

Activities for Enhancing a Relationship that Already Works

We love to work with couples who come in to increase their intimacy. They say
something like, 'We get along really well, but we want to know if there's a
possibility of having an even better time." Such folks are rare and precious. We
appreciate their commitment to joy and the unlimited potential of close
relationships.

If you are one of those special couples, these activities are for you.

The Four Essentials

In a recent workshop with couples, we focused on the concept of having it all.

Can your relationship be large enough to encompass the four things that seem to
motivate people: God, glory, gold, and spice? Historically, these four things have
moved people to action, often across continents and seas. Is your search
primarily about spirituality, money, fame, or variety? This activity will give you a
chance to see how your relationship scales are weighted and to compare notes
with your partner.
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INSTRUCTIONS:

Each of you take a large sheet of blank paper and draw a line down the middle of
the page. On the left-hand side of the page, write these four headings: God,
Glory, Gold, and Spice. Working separately at first, list how it is, how you
currently spend your time in each of these areas.

When you feel these columns are complete, write the same four headings on the
right-hand side of the page, and focus on what you want, how you want to be
spending your time.

EXAMPLE:

Mary's beginning list:

GOD GLORY GOLD SPICE

church on present new money into IRA pretty
Sunday material for work routine
1x/month
meditate college costs new dress

read spiritual books

prayer group

Ken's beginning list:

GOD GLORY GOLD SPICE

long walks head of department bonus this year good sex

written up in co. college drains travel
newsletter

invented new product learning
new skill

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When you feel these columns are complete, write the same four headings on the
right-hand side of the page, and focus on what you want, how you want to be
spending your time.

Example:

Marys List:

GOD GLORY GOLD SPICE

teach Sunday promotion at a private fund less routine
school work

more inde- more left over learning new skills
pendence

Kens List:

GOD GLORY GOLD SPICE

quiet times this is great now more left over more sex

gifts for Mary class in drawing


When each of you is finished with the two lists, sit down together and compare
notes. Share what has been most satisfying in each area and where you would
like to bring more focus to a certain area. You may be surprised, as Mary and Ken
were, to discover the areas where things match and the areas where differing
interests could be a potential source of conflict. In Ken and Mary's relationship
their spiritual emphases had been the seed for friction for years. As they looked
at their own balances and the balance of these areas in their marriage, they saw
that they met more easily in the areas of spice and gold than of glory and God.

Together, as Ken and Mary did, ask yourselves how you can support your partner
to realize the items on their want list. For example, Ken saw that he could use
Sunday mornings as his quiet time, to take a long walk or experience his inner life
while Mary was at church, rather than doing maintenance chores around the
house and then feeling resentful. Mary was a little hesitant about taking a
drawing class with Ken, but discovered she could take calligraphy on the same
night that Ken's drawing class was offered.
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Increasing Your Spice Quotient

The following activity is designed to increase the variety in dose relationship. It

counteracts the tendency to use relationship as an excuse to nestle into the
status quo and gently snooze. Successful relationships are large enough to
embrace change in both, partners and actually thrive on the new energy change
brings to them.

Here are some signs that you are taking the other for granted or nestling into
repetition:

Mind wandering when your partner is speaking

Assumptions about what your partner should or shouldn't do for you
Interpretations and judgments about how your partner chooses to spend
time
Frequent upsets when something unexpected changes the daily schedule
Resentment about daily routines
Realizing that you've heard these stories many times before
Frequent fantasizing about other romantic partners, especially in times of
intimacy
Protesting suggestions about learning something new together, such as
dancing

Take a few minutes to see if any of these symptoms are familiar. Looking at this
list may remind you of other similar signs in your relationship. Would you be
willing to increase the spice quotient in your relationship? If so, read on.

INSTRUCTIONS:

STEP ONE

Each of you complete the following sentences.

Every day for the last week, I've______________________________

(e.g., gotten up at 6:45 with the alarm and stumbled into the shower.)
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I need to have __,each day.

(e.g., dinner at 6:30; all the beds made before I will do something fun.)

I get upset when my partner doesn't regularly ____________________

(e.g., clean up after him/herself immediately.)

I get upset when my partner always ______________________

(e.g., brings unexpected guests home from work; waits for me to discipline the
kids.)

When unexpected things happen, I feel _____________________

(e.g., scared that things are going to spin out of control.)

STEP TWO

Look over your list and choose one routine that you would be willing to change
by spicing it up. For example, you may be willing to add variety in your work-
before-play routine for making the beds. Invent a way to change the way you
structure this aspect of your life. Then invent another that may seem totally
outrageous or silly. Then invent several more.

Example:

I will make the beds upside down.

I will paint first thing in the morning and then make the beds.
We'll get large sleeping bags and not make the beds at all.
I'll sing opera-style while I make my bed, demanding in a loud voice that
the kids make their beds before breakfast.
I'll make the kids' beds and they'll make mine.

Look at your list and ask, which of these possible changes am I willing to try for
this week? The one that makes you smile inside is probably a good choice. Let
yourself have a week's experimental time with this new way of doing things and
then evaluate the level of spiciness in your life. At the end of the week, choose
another item from your list and proceed through Step Two with it. We
recommend starting with items that concern you individually before moving to
items that involve your relationship.
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Moving Together in Harmony

Our structured, technologically grounded lives don't often provide space for
partners to experience the joys of moving together. This simple but powerful
activity is a favorite in our seminars. Each person gets a chance to lead and to
follow. Partners' faces light up after sharing this unusual way of walking together.
You'll need enough space to walk around comfortably. Some couples like to do
this activity outdoors.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Decide who will be the first leader and who the first follower. (If you're feeling
metaphorical, call one the engine and one the caboose.) Start by standing. The
leader will have eyes open throughout the activity.

Follower, stand directly behind the leader and rest your hands easily on each side
at her/his lower ribs or waist area. Take a moment to feel the expansion and
contraction of each breath through your hands. Stand close enough so that your
elbows are bent. This is a standing form of the spoon position. Follower, gently
close your eyes and leave them closed throughout the activity.

Leader, slowly and rhythmically, shift your weight from side to side. Sway for
several minutes until you feel your partner flowing right along with you.
Sometimes as you begin this activity, little jerks and starts occur, but as partners
synchronize breath and movement, it is sometimes difficult to tell who is
initiating.

Leader, when you feel that the follower is comfortable and moving with you,
begin to take tiny steps with each shift of your weight. Move slowly at first, until
you feel harmonized with the follower. After a few moments you can begin
moving around the room with larger steps. If a hitch occurs and jerky motion
results, shift back to swaying together until harmony is restored. Some partners
enjoy fancy variations at this point, such as moving backward; turning; inserting
glides, skips, and other more complex steps; or speeding up and slowing down.
These additions are optional; if you want, create more together.

When you come to a good stopping place, rest for a moment and then switch
roles.
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Dream Sharing

One of the deepest pleasures of a close, transparent relationship is the

experience of discovering and sharing the bottomless well of each other's inner
worlds. As a couple, we share this realm in several ways each day, through
meditation, breathing together, and telling the truth about our ongoing process.
A particularly delicious way we want to recommend is to share your dreams when
you awaken.

The simple act of expressing a dream image or sequence is simultaneously

liberating and grounding. It clears the cloudy hangover that visits to the
unconscious sometimes generate. It can also bring shadow issues to the surface
in a friendlier way than having them show up in an argument or as illness. For
example, on a recent vacation Kathlyn woke out ofa dream that Gay was leaving
her, despite her pleas, "Don't you see that this is an upper-limit problem?" Our
first response was some hilarity that our relationship lingo had filtered so deeply
into the unconscious. After sharing more of the feeling tone and images of the
dream, Kathlyn realized that she was afraid of leaving herself in some
fundamental way, splitting away from the incredible happiness that is an ongoing
reality now.

Sharing your dreams allows you to dip into the underground currents that are
continually evolving in each of you and your life together. For example, we have
often found that a dream image shared in the morning shows up in a different
form later in the day. Or the dream is completed by an event we couldn't have
predicted. Not long ago Gay shared a dream image of his mother dosing up the
house to move away. Gay's mother died in 1990 after a long illness, and the
house had been on the market since. A week or so after this dream he signed a
solid contract for the sale of the house. Perhaps he had completed some aspect
of his relationship with his mother or let go of the associations that the house
held. In any case, his dream sharing brought that unconscious image to the light
of day.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Use the following questions as guidelines for your dream sharing. Feel free to
amend or add to them as you grow in your dream life together.
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What emotion is most predominant in the dream?

List the dream images you remember (don't worry about recalling
everything).
What is the feeling tone of the dream: misty, sharp, heavy and sad, epic?
What is the flow of action, or process, in the dream?
Are any objects very large or unusually small in the dream?
Is there any part of the dream that you feel hesitant to share? Take a look
at that and explore what truth can be told here.
Does the dream seem complete to you, or unfinished? If unfinished, how
might you complete it?
As you share, let yourself be aware of any other images, thoughts or
feelings that pop into your mind. Express them also.

Fluffing the Body Energy

This activity is designed to lighten up your interactions and create new ways to
play together. We call it fluffing because the most effective relationship tool is
space. When we fluff an issue or possibility, new options emerge. This activity is
the opposite of ''working on it." For that reason partners use it to heighten their
fun level together.

Fluffing Option One:

Decide who will be the fluffer and who the fluffee. Fluffee, take a moment to
notice where your body feels most dense or tight right now, identify the place for
the fluffer. Both of you will fluff at the same time, in different ways. Fluffee, do
your best to fluff the area with your breath. Fluffer, use your hands on this part as
if you were fluffing a pillow behind someone's head. Continue fluffing until the
area feels lighter and more spacious. Then switch roles.

Fluffing Option Two:

The fluffee is lying down for this activity. Identify an area of your body where you
would like some attention. You may want to love this part of you more, or bring
more awareness to an area that speaks to you with pain or tension. Fluffer, your
job is to fluff this part by humming it. Use your closed mouth against the part and
hum at different pitches until you find the one that vibrates your partner most
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pleasurably. That may be signaled by giggles, wiggling, or a smile appearing at

the comers of the fluffee's mouth. When your partner is nicely fluffed,

Fluffing Option Three:

Sit back to back so that each of you is equally supported and comfortable.
Breathe together with the intention of fluffing each other's back. Let your breath
fluff all the way through each of you.

Fluffing Option Four:

Stand facing each other. Take turns noticing and appreciating something about
your partner. Pause between each appreciation for two breaths. Let yourself
move and expand as you receive each appreciation. Continue until each of you
feels well fluffed.

Supporting Creativity

In this activity we want to share some of the ways we have discovered to enhance
each other's creativity. We invite you to add to the list. Choose one item and
focus on it until you have incorporated it into your lifestyle. Then move to
another.

At frequent intervals ask, "What do you want?" We ask this question for many
different areas of life: the material realm, spiritual goals, learning experiences,
adventures, etc. And we listen carefully to the response. Inquiring about and
expressing your leading edge empowers its fulfillment.

Ask, "How can I support you in your goals?" Listen to the response and make
agreements about your support.

Ask, "What are you curious about today? What are you interested in learning or
exploring?" Listen to the response and see if there are any concrete actions that
would support your partner's interest.

Support your partner in having a regular solo time to explore her/his interests
and creative play. That time is sacred and needs to be honored, whether it's a
half-hour meditation time or the two hours we spend separately writing and
creating each morning. Each of you study what times of day are your peak
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creative times and protect them. The highest levels of creation are between you
and the universe.

Interrupt routines when you notice them dulling your life sparkle (see activity in
Problem-Solving section).

Schedule time for the "necessary but trivial" elements of your life together so
that household and business items don't ooze out and cover the whole day in
details.

Look at your environment and explore how you can invite creativity by the
colors and space you live in. For example, change the arrangement of things and
furniture at intervals; have creative toys available, such as musical instruments,
drums, stuffed animals, balls, paint and paper, etc.; create uncluttered open
spaces to relax in; redecorate your work and play areas in colors that promote
relaxation; explore what environmental ambience supports creativity. For
example, do you prefer music in the background or quiet, uninterrupted time?
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Afterword

We have come now to the end of the activities and of our time together. As
therapists we have been privileged to be with hundreds of people as they have
created the kinds of relationships they wanted. We have been with hundreds of
couples who were working to transform their relationships into something closer
to their hearts' desire. Now as we send these powerful tools and techniques out
into the world through the medium of this book, we want to thank all of the
people who made it possible. To thank them by name would be impossible, but
they will know who they are. They will always live in our hearts. We also want to
give thanks in advance to all of you who will read this book and put it to use in
your relationships. May your relationship journey be as richly blessed as ours has
been.

Our own relationship has been the greatest beneficiary of the material in the
book. Through employing the ideas in our own lives, we have grown in creativity
and love beyond our wildest dreams. What most excites us now is seeing others
discover the power and possibilities of these new ways of being. As you take
these ideas and craft them to fit your life, it is our hope that you use them as an
evolutionary springboard to ever higher states of happiness and harmony. In the
realm of relationship, there is no ceiling to the amount of love and creativity you
can enjoy. It is our hope that you will revel in the boundless love at the center of
yourself, celebrate it in others, and raise the art of intimacy to a height hitherto
unknown on Planet Earth.