COUNSELING BY JUDY NEWSLETTER

THE VALUE OF SELF-ESTEEM

Self-esteem is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and how worthy we
consider ourselves to be. Those feelings are based on the degree to which we believe
we are lovable and capable. Good relationships, successful experiences, and positive
thinking all promote high self-esteem.

Self-esteem is developed primarily during childhood. It is shaped largely by

the positive and negative messages we receive from our parents, family members,
friends, and society. Early on, our parents are the most influential; they serve as a
psychological mirror through which we see ourselves. When were young, we
accept and internalize information and labels that are bestowed upon us. We dont
question our parents appraisals or expectations of us; we question our own
Too many people
adequacy. Predominantly negative input (via words and actions) results in low self-
overvalue what
esteem, leading to denial of personal needs, harsh personal judgments, and feelings they are not and
of inferiority. Invariably, low self-esteem negatively impacts our relationships as undervalue what
they are.
well. Individuals with low self-esteem feel compelled to control other people and
things, as well as obtain constant approval and reassurance. Interactions are often
strained; feelings of victimization and abandonment are commonly experienced. ~Malcolm S.
Forbes
Positive self-esteem is the key to achieving success in life. If we believe we
have what it takes to succeed, we can do so. Although circumstances can cause our
sense of self-worth to fluctuate, it is our core beliefs about ourselves- our attitudes,
thoughts, and perceptions- that determine our overall sense of value. Personal
success is the fuel that sustains it.

Judy Kaminsky, LMFT

Specializing in, but not limited to, Marriage & Family Therapy
600 West Germantown Pike- Suite 400
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania 19462

(610)-940-1710
counselingbyjudy@comcast.net www.counselingbyjudy.com
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SIGNS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Insecurity
Reluctance to take on
challenges
Overwhelming fear of failure
Self-doubt
Self-deprecating thoughts
Passivity; social withdrawal
and anxiety around others
Intense fear of intimacy
Excessive fear of rejection
Undue concern about what
others might think of us
Difficulty accepting
compliments or recognition
Reluctance to consider our
own needs; Self-neglect
Condemnation of others in
order to feel good about
ourselves
Self-blame
Lack of faith in our own
judgment
Need for constant
reassurance & approval
Frequent attempts to portray
a flawless image of our self
to others
Dissatisfaction with our self;
perfectionistic
HOW TO Promote POSITIVE SELF-
ESTEEM IN CHILDREN
Provide unconditional love. When expressing disapproval,
focus on the behavior, NOT the
Establish developmentally
child.
appropriate goals & expectations.
Demonstrate genuine interest in
Provide opportunities for building
your childs activities, hobbies, etc.
skills and for potential
achievements. Never compare one child to
another.
Encourage your child to face
challenges & take appropriate risks. Convey respect for your childs
feelings, beliefs, and individuality,
Avoid rescuing. It conveys the
by listening with sincere interest.
message you dont think your child
can handle it alone. Instead, Avoid using putdowns, labels, and
provide support & encouragement. name-calling.
Communicate your confidence in Give honest, concrete, positive
your child and in his/her future. feedback, not overblown praise,
for a job well done & for effort
Spend quality time playing,
applied.
relaxing, & working with him/her.
Nurture your own self-esteem;
Value your childs unique
be a good role model by taking
strengths, interests, & skills.
pride in who you are.
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TIPS FOR IMPROVING SELF-ESTEEM

Healthy relationships, job satisfaction, and overall happiness depend largely on

good self-esteem. When you feel positive about yourself, you have an easier time coping
with your mistakes, disappointments, and failures; you are more likely to persevere.
Raising self-esteem cannot be accomplished by simply being bombarded with praise from
other people. Empty praise is superficial and, as such, it is experienced as meaningless.
Self-esteem must be developed through personal accomplishments, individualized
attention, and connection with others. Establish realistic goals and expectations for
yourself, and learn skills required to achieve those goals. Believe in your abilities and in
yourself. Doing so may require you to change your belief system about yourself. Do you
need to replace negative self-talk with more supportive and compassionate self-talk?
Keep in mind that it is counterproductive to negatively compare yourself to others.
Instead, focus on your good qualities, achievements, and talents. Rather than viewing
your perceived failures as inadequacies, look at them as temporary setbacks. Avoid
discounting the things that go well for you and refrain from magnifying the things that do
not go well. It is more productive to concentrate on the positive experiences, using them
as springboards for future successes. When you make mistakes along the way, and
everyone does, view them as learning opportunities. Acknowledge and validate yourself
on a daily basis for your accomplishments and efforts as a partner, friend, parent, and/or
coworker. Strive for achievement rather than perfection. As the saying goes, Perfection is
the enemy of success. Recognize and accept that there are certain things you can change
about yourself, and certain things you cant. Dont waste time and energy beating
yourself up about your shortcomings. We all have them!

Its never too late to raise your self-esteem. If low self-esteem remains an obstacle
for you in attaining fulfillment in your personal and professional life, professional
counseling can be an invaluable resource.