MRSWARREN'SPROFESSION

byGeorgeBernardShaw
1894
WithTheAuthor'sApology(1902)

THEAUTHOR'SAPOLOGY
MrsWarren'sProfessionhasbeenperformedatlast,afteradelayofonlyeightyears;andIhaveoncemore
sharedwithIbsenthetriumphantamusementofstartlingallbutthestrongestheadedoftheLondontheatrecritics
cleanoutofthepracticeoftheirprofession.NoauthorwhohaseverknowntheexultationofsendingthePress
intoanhystericaltumultofprotest,ofmoralpanic,ofinvoluntaryandfranticconfessionofsin,ofahorrorof
conscienceinwhichthepowerofdistinguishingbetweentheworkofartonthestageandthereallifeofthe
spectatorisconfusedandoverwhelmed,willevercareforthestereotypedcomplimentswhicheverysuccessful
farceormelodramaelicitsfromthenewspapers.Givemethatcriticwhorushedfrommyplaytodeclarefuriously
thatSirGeorgeCroftsoughttobekicked.Whatatriumphfortheactor,thustoreduceajadedLondonjournalist
totheconditionofthesimplesailorintheWappinggallery,whoshoutsexecrationsatIagoandwarningsto
Othellonottobelievehim!Butdearerstillthansuchsimplicityisthatsenseofthesuddenearthquakeshocktothe
foundationsofmoralitywhichsendsapallidcrowdofcriticsintothestreetshriekingthatthepillarsofsocietyare
crackingandtheruinoftheStateisathand.EventheIbsenchampionsoftenyearsagoremonstratewithmejust
astheveteransofthosebravedaysremonstratedwiththem.MrGrein,thehardyiconoclastwhofirstlaunchedmy
playsonthestagealongsideGhostsandTheWildDuck,exclaimedthatIhaveshatteredhisideals.Actuallyhis
ideals!WhatwouldDrRellingsay?AndMrWilliamArcherhimselfdisownsmebecauseI"cannottouchpitch
withoutwallowinginit".TrulymyplaymustbemoreneededthanIknew;andyetIthoughtIknewhowlittlethe
othersknow.
Donotsuppose,however,thattheconsternationofthePressreflectsanyconsternationamongthegeneralpublic.
Anybodycanupsetthetheatrecritics,inaturnofthewrist,bysubstitutingfortheromanticcommonplacesofthe
stagethemoralcommonplacesofthepulpit,platform,orthelibrary.PlayMrsWarren'sProfessiontoanaudience
ofclericalmembersoftheChristianSocialUnionandofwomenwellexperiencedinRescue,Temperance,and
Girls'Clubwork,andnomoralpanicwillarise;everymanandwomanpresentwillknowthataslongaspoverty
makesvirtuehideousandthesparepocketmoneyofrichbachelordommakesvicedazzling,theirdailyhandto
handfightagainstprostitutionwithprayerandpersuasion,sheltersandscantyalms,willbealosingone.There
wasatimewhentheywereabletourgethatthough"thewhiteleadfactorywhereAnneJanewaspoisoned"may
beafarmoreterribleplacethanMrsWarren'shouse,yethellisstillmoredreadful.Nowadaystheynolonger
believeinhell;andthegirlsamongwhomtheyareworkingknowthattheydonotbelieveinit,andwouldlaugh
atthemiftheydid.SowellhavetherescuerslearntthatMrsWarren'sdefenceofherselfandindictmentofsociety
isthethingthatmostneedssaying,thatthosewhoknowmepersonallyreproachme,notforwritingthisplay,but
forwastingmyenergieson"pleasantplays"fortheamusementoffrivolouspeople,whenIcanbuildupsuch
excellentstagesermonsontheirownwork.MrsWarren'sProfessionistheoneplayofminewhichIcouldsubmit
toacensorshipwithoutdoubtoftheresult;only,itmustnotbethecensorshipoftheminortheatrecritic,norofan
innocentcourtofficialliketheLordChamberlain'sExaminer,muchlessofpeoplewhoconsciouslyprofitbyMrs
Warren'sprofession,orwhopersonallymakeuseofit,orwhoholdthewidelywhisperedviewthatitisan
indispensablesafetyvalvefortheprotectionofdomesticvirtue,or,aboveall,whoaresmittenwithasentimental
affectionforourfallensister,andwould"takeheruptenderly,liftherwithcare,fashionedsoslenderly,young,
andSOfair."NoramIpreparedtoaccepttheverdictofthemedicalgentlemenwhowouldcompulsorilysanitate
andregisterMrsWarren,whilstleavingMrsWarren'spatrons,especiallyhermilitarypatrons,freetodestroyher
healthandanybodyelse'swithoutfearofreprisals.ButIshouldbequitecontenttohavemyplayjudgedby,say,a
jointcommitteeoftheCentralVigilanceSocietyandtheSalvationArmy.Andthesternermoraliststhemembers
ofthecommitteewere,thebetter.
SomeofthejournalistsIhaveshockedreasonsounripelythattheywillgathernothingfromthisbutaconfused
notionthatIamaccusingtheNationalVigilanceAssociationandtheSalvationArmyofcomplicityinmyown
scandalousimmorality.Itwillseemtothemthatpeoplewhowouldstandthisplaywouldstandanything.Theyare
quitemistaken.SuchanaudienceasIhavedescribedwouldberevoltedbymanyofourfashionableplays.They
wouldleavethetheatreconvincedthatthePlymouthBrotherwhostillregardstheplayhouseasoneofthegatesof
hellisperhapsthesafestadviseronthesubjectofwhichheknowssolittle.IfIdonotdrawthesameconclusion,
itisnotbecauseIamoneofthosewhoclaimthatartisexemptfrommoralobligations,anddenythatthewriting
orperformanceofaplayisamoralact,tobetreatedonexactlythesamefootingastheftormurderifitproduces
equallymischievousconsequences.Iamconvincedthatfineartisthesubtlest,themostseductive,themost

1
effectiveinstrumentofmoralpropagandaintheworld,exceptingonlytheexampleofpersonalconduct;andI
waiveeventhisexceptioninfavoroftheartofthestage,becauseitworksbyexhibitingexamplesofpersonal
conductmadeintelligibleandmovingtocrowdsofunobservant,unreflectingpeopletowhomreallifemeans
nothing.IhavepointedoutagainandagainthattheinfluenceofthetheatreinEnglandisgrowingsogreatthat
whilstprivateconduct,religion,law,science,politics,andmoralsarebecomingmoreandmoretheatrical,the
theatreitselfremainsimpervioustocommonsense,religion,science,politics,andmorals.ThatiswhyIfightthe
theatre,notwithpamphletsandsermonsandtreatises,butwithplays;andsoeffectivedoIfindthedramatic
methodthatIhavenodoubtIshallatlastpersuadeevenLondontotakeitsconscienceanditsbrainswithitwhen
itgoestothetheatre,insteadofleavingthemathomewithitsprayerbookasitdoesatpresent.Consequently,I
amthelastmanintheworldtodenythatiftheneteffectofperformingMrsWarren'sProfessionwereanincrease
inthenumberofpersonsenteringthatprofession,itsperformanceshouldbedealtwithaccordingly.
Nowletusconsiderhowsuchrecruitingcanbeencouragedbythetheatre.Nothingiseasier.LettheKing's
ReaderofPlays,backedbythePress,makeanunwrittenbutperfectlywellunderstoodregulationthatmembersof
MrsWarren'sprofessionshallbetoleratedonthestageonlywhentheyarebeautiful,exquisitelydressed,and
sumptuouslylodgedandfed;alsothattheyshall,attheendoftheplay,dieofconsumptiontothesympathetic
tearsofthewholeaudience,orstepintothenextroomtocommitsuicide,oratleastbeturnedoutbytheir
protectorsandpassedontobe"redeemed"byoldandfaithfulloverswhohaveadoredtheminspiteoftheir
levities.Naturally,thepoorergirlsinthegallerywillbelieveinthebeauty,intheexquisitedresses,andthe
luxuriousliving,andwillseethatthereisnorealnecessityfortheconsumption,thesuicide,ortheejectment:
merepiousforms,allofthem,tosavetheCensor'sface.Evenifthesepurelyofficialcatastrophescarriedany
conviction,themajorityofEnglishgirlsremainsopoor,sodependent,sowellawarethatthedrudgeriesofsuch
honestworkasiswithintheirreacharelikelyenoughtoleadthemeventuallytolungdisease,prematuredeath,
anddomesticdesertionorbrutality,thattheywouldstillseereasontoprefertheprimrosepathtothestraitpathof
virtue,sinceboth,viceatworstandvirtueatbest,leadtothesameendinpovertyandoverwork.Itistruethatthe
BoardSchoolmistresswilltellyouthatonlygirlsofacertainkindwillreasoninthisway.Butalas!thatcertain
kindturnsoutoninquirytobesimplythepretty,daintykind:thatis,theonlykindthatgetsthechanceofacting
onsuchreasoning.ReadthefirstreportoftheCommissionontheHousingoftheWorkingClasses[BluebookC
4402,8d.,1889];readtheReportonHomeIndustries(sacredword,Home!)issuedbytheWomen'sIndustrial
Council[HomeIndustriesofWomeninLondon,1897,1s.,12BuckinghamStreet,W.C.];andaskyourself
whether,ifthelotinlifethereindescribedwereyourlotinlife,youwouldnotpreferthelotofCleopatra,of
Theodora,oftheLadyoftheCamellias,ofMrsTanqueray,ofZaza,ofIris.Ifyoucangodeepenoughintothings
tobeabletosayno,howmanyignoranthalfstarvedgirlswillbelieveyouarespeakingsincerely?Tothemthelot
ofIrisisheavenlyincomparisonwiththeirown.YetourKing,likehispredecessors,saystothedramatist,"Thus,
andthusonly,shallyoupresentMrsWarren'sprofessiononthestage,oryoushallstarve.WitnessShaw,whotold
theuntemptingtruthaboutit,andwhomWe,bytheGraceofGod,accordinglydisallowandsuppress,anddo
whatinUsliestosilence."Fortunately,Shawcannotbesilenced."Theharlot'scryfromstreettostreet"islouder
thanthevoicesofallthekings.Iamnotdependentonthetheatre,andcannotbestarvedintomakingmyplaya
standingadvertisementoftheattractivesideofMrsWarren'sbusiness.
HereImustguardmyselfagainstamisunderstanding.Itisnotthefaultoftheirauthorsthatthelongstringof
wanton'stragedies,fromAntonyandCleopatratoIris,aresnarestopoorgirls,andareobjectedtoonthataccount
bymanyearnestmenandwomenwhoconsiderMrsWarren'sProfessionanexcellentsermon.MrPineroisinno
wayboundtosuppressthefactthathisIrisisapersontobeenviedbymillionsofbetterwomen.Ifhemadehis
playfalsetolifebyinventingfictitiousdisadvantagesforher,hewouldbeactingasunscrupulouslyasanytract
writer.IfsocietychoosestoprovideforitsIrisesbetterthanforitsworkingwomen,itmustnotexpecthonest
playwrightstomanufacturespuriousevidencetosaveitscredit.Themischiefliesinthedeliberatesuppressionof
theothersideofthecase:therefusaltoallowMrsWarrentoexposethedrudgeryandrepulsivenessofplyingfor
hireamongcoarse,tediousdrunkards;thedeterminationnottolettheParisiangirlinBrieux'sLesAvariescome
onthestageanddriveintopeople'smindswhatherdiseasesmeanforherandforthemselves.Allthat,saysthe
King'sReaderineffect,ishorrifying,loathsome.
Precisely:whatdoesheexpectittobe?wouldhehaveusrepresentitasbeautifulandgratifying?Theanswerto
thisquestion,Ifear,mustbeabluntYes;foritseemsimpossibletorootoutofanEnglishman'smindthenotion
thatviceisdelightful,andthatabstentionfromitisprivation.Atallevents,aslongasthetemptingsideofitis
kepttowardsthepublic,andsoftenedbyplentyofsentimentandsympathy,itiswelcomedbyourCensor,
whereastheslightestattempttoplaceitinthelightofthepoliceman'slanternortheSalvationArmyshelteris
checkmatedatonceasnotmerelydisgusting,but,ifyouplease,unnecessary.
Everybodywill,Ihope,admitthatthisstateofthingsisintolerable;thatthesubjectofMrsWarren'sprofession
mustbeeithertapualtogether,orelseexhibitedwiththewarningsideasfreelydisplayedasthetemptingside.But
manypersonswillvoteforacompletetapu,andanimpartialsweepfromtheboardsofMrsWarrenandGretchen

2
andtherest;inshort,forbanishingthesexualinstinctsfromthestagealtogether.Thosewhothinkthisimpossible
canhardlyhaveconsideredthenumberandimportanceofthesubjectswhichareactuallybanishedfromthestage.
Manyplays,amongthemLear,Hamlet,Macbeth,Coriolanus,JuliusCaesar,havenosexcomplications:the
threadoftheiractioncanbefollowedbychildrenwhocouldnotunderstandasinglesceneofMrsWarren's
ProfessionorIris.Noneofourplaysrousethesympathyoftheaudiencebyanexhibitionofthepainsof
maternity,asChineseplaysconstantlydo.Eachnationhasitsownparticularsetoftapusinadditiontothe
commonhumanstock;andthougheachofthesetapuslimitsthescopeofthedramatist,itdoesnotmakedrama
impossible.IftheExaminerweretorefusetolicenseplayswithfemalecharactersinthem,hewouldonlybe
doingtothestagewhatourtribalcustomsalreadydotothepulpitandthebar.Ihavemyselfwrittenarather
entertainingplaywithonlyonewomaninit,andsheisquiteheartwhole;andIcouldjustaseasilywriteaplay
withoutawomaninitatall.IwillevengosofarastopromisetheMrRedfordmysupportifhewillintroduce
thislimitationforpartoftheyear,sayduringLent,soastomakeacloseseasonforthatdullestofstockdramatic
subjects,adultery,andforceourmanagersandauthorstofindoutwhatallgreatdramatistsfindout
spontaneously:towit,thatpeoplewhosacrificeeveryotherconsiderationtoloveareashopelesslyunheroicon
thestageaslunaticsordipsomaniacs.Hectoristheworld'shero;notParisnorAntony.
ButthoughIdonotquestionthepossibilityofadramainwhichloveshouldbeaseffectivelyignoredascholerais
atpresent,thereisnottheslightestchanceofthatwayoutofthedifficultybeingtakenbytheMrRedford.Ifhe
attemptedittherewouldbearevoltinwhichhewouldbesweptawayinspiteofmysinglehandedeffortsto
defendhim.Acompletetapuispoliticallyimpossible.AcompletetolerationisequallyimpossibletoMrRedford,
becausehisoccupationwouldbegoneiftherewerenotaputoenforce.Heisthereforecompelledtomaintainthe
presentcompromiseofapartialtapu,applied,tothebestofhisjudgement,withacarefulrespecttopersonsandto
publicopinion.AndaverysensibleEnglishsolutionofthedifficulty,too,mostreaderswillsay.Ishouldnot
disputeitifdramaticpoetsreallywerewhatEnglishpublicopiniongenerallyassumesthemtobeduringtheir
lifetime:thatis,alicentiouslyirregulargrouptobekeptinorderinaroughandreadywaybyamagistratewho
willstandnononsensefromthem.ButIcannotadmitthattheclassrepresentedbyEschylus,Sophocles,
Aristophanes,Euripides,Shakespear,Goethe,Ibsen,andTolstoy,nottomentionourowncontemporary
playwrights,isasmuchinplaceinMrRedford'sofficeasapickpocketisinBowStreet.Further,itisnottruethat
theCensorship,thoughitcertainlysuppressesIbsenandTolstoy,andwouldsuppressShakespearbutforthe
absurdrulethataplayoncelicensedisalwayslicensed(sothatWycherlyispermittedandShelleyprohibited),
alsosuppressesunscrupulousplaywrights.IchallengeMrRedfordtomentionanyextremityofsexualmisconduct
whichanymanagerinhissenseswouldriskpresentingontheLondonstagethathasnotbeenpresentedunderhis
licenseandthatofhispredecessor.Thecompromise,infact,worksoutinpracticeinfavoroflooseplaysas
againstearnestones.
Tocarryconvictiononthispoint,Iwilltaketheextremecourseofnarratingtheplotsoftwoplayswitnessed
withinthelasttenyearsbymyselfatLondonWestEndtheatres,onelicensedbythelateQueenVictoria'sReader
ofPlays,theotherbythepresentReadertotheKing.Bothplotsconformtothestrictestrulesoftheperiodwhen
LaDameauxCamelliaswasstillaforbiddenplay,andwhenTheSecondMrsTanqueraywouldhavebeen
toleratedonlyonconditionthatshecarefullyexplainedtotheaudiencethatwhenshemetCaptainArdaleshe
sinned"butinintention."
Playnumberone.Aprinceiscompelledbyhisparentstomarrythedaughterofaneighboringking,butloves
anothermaiden.Thescenerepresentsahallintheking'spalaceatnight.Theweddinghastakenplacethatday;
andthecloseddoorofthenuptialchamberisinviewoftheaudience.Inside,theprincessawaitsherbridegroom.
Aduennaisinattendance.Thebridegroomenters.Hissoledesireistoescapefromamarriagewhichishatefulto
him.Anideastrikeshim.Hewillassaulttheduenna,andgetignominiouslyexpelledfromthepalacebyhis
indignantfatherinlaw.Tohishorror,whenheproceedstocarryoutthisstratagem,theduenna,farfromraising
analarm,isflattered,delighted,andcompliant.Theassaulterbecomestheassaulted.Heflingsherangrilytothe
ground,wheresheremainsplacidly.Heflies.Thefatherenters;dismissestheduenna;andlistensatthekeyholeof
hisdaughter'snuptialchamber,utteringvariouspleasantries,anddeclaring,withashiver,thatasoundofkissing,
whichhesupposestoproceedfromwithin,makeshimfeelyoungagain.
Indeprecationofthescandalizedastonishmentwithwhichsuchastoryasthiswillberead,Icanonlysaythatit
wasnotpresentedonthestageuntilitsproprietyhadbeencertifiedbythechiefofficeroftheQueenofEngland's
household.
Storynumbertwo.AGermanofficerfindshimselfinaninnwithaFrenchladywhohaswoundedhisnational
vanity.Heresolvestohumbleherbycommittingarapeuponher.Heannounceshispurpose.Sheremonstrates,
implores,fliestothedoorsandfindsthemlocked,callsforhelpandfindsnoneathand,runsscreamingfromside
toside,and,afteraharrowingscene,isoverpoweredandfaints.Nothingfurtherbeingpossibleonthestage
withoutactualfelony,theofficerthenrelentsandleavesher.Whensherecovers,shebelievesthathehascarried
outhisthreat;andduringtherestoftheplaysheisrepresentedasvainlyvowingvengeanceuponhim,whilstshe

3
isreallyfallinginlovewithhimundertheinfluenceofhisimaginarycrimeagainsther.Finallysheconsentsto
marryhim;andthecurtainfallsontheirhappiness.
ThisstorywascertifiedbythepresentKing'sReader,actingfortheLordChamberlain,asvoidinitsgeneral
tendencyof"anythingimmoralorotherwiseimproperforthestage."ButletnobodyconcludethereforethatMr
Redfordisamonster,whosepolicyitistodepravethetheatre.Asamatteroffact,boththeabovestoriesare
strictlyinorderfromtheofficialpointofview.Theincidentsofsexwhichtheycontain,thoughcarriedinbothto
theextremepointatwhichanotherstepwouldbedealtwith,notbytheKing'sReader,butbythepolice,donot
involveadultery,noranyallusiontoMrsWarren'sprofession,nortothefactthatthechildrenofanypolyandrous
groupwill,whentheygrowup,inevitablybeconfronted,asthoseofMrsWarren'sgroupareinmyplay,withthe
insolubleproblemoftheirownpossibleconsanguinity.Inshort,bydependingwhollyonthecoarsehumorsand
thephysicalfascinationofsex,theycomplywithalltheformulablerequirementsoftheCensorship,whereasplays
inwhichthesehumorsandfascinationsarediscarded,andthesocialproblemscreatedbysexseriouslyfacedand
dealtwith,inevitablyignoretheofficialformulaandaresuppressed.Iftheoldruleagainsttheexhibitionofillicit
sexrelationsonstagewererevived,andthesubjectabsolutelybarred,theonlyresultwouldbethatAntonyand
Cleopatra,Othello(becauseoftheBiancaepisode),TroilusandCressida,HenryIV,MeasureforMeasure,Timon
ofAthens,LaDameauxCamellias,TheProfligate,TheSecondMrsTanqueray,TheNotoriousMrsEbbsmith,
TheGayLordQuex,MrsDane'sDefence,andIriswouldbesweptfromthestage,andplacedunderthesameban
asTolstoy'sDominionofDarknessandMrsWarren'sProfession,whilstsuchplaysasthetwodescribedabove
wouldhaveamonopolyofthetheatreasfarassexualinterestisconcerned.
Whatismore,therepulsivenessoftheworstofthecertifiedplayswouldprotecttheCensorshipagainsteffective
exposureandcriticism.NotlongagoanAmericanReviewofhighstandingaskedmeforanarticleonthe
CensorshipoftheEnglishstage.Irepliedthatsuchanarticlewouldinvolvepassagestoodisagreeablefor
publicationinamagazineforgeneralfamilyreading.Theeditorpersistednevertheless;butnotuntilhehad
declaredhisreadinesstofacethis,andhadpledgedhimselftoinsertthearticleunaltered(theparticularityofthe
pledgeextendingeventoaspecificationoftheexactnumberofwordsinthearticle)didIconsenttotheproposal.
Whatwastheresult?
Theeditor,confrontedwiththetwostoriesgivenabove,threwhispledgetothewinds,and,insteadofreturning
thearticle,printeditwiththeillustrativeexamplesomitted,andnothingleftbuttheargumentfrompolitical
principlesagainsttheCensorship.Indoingthishefiredmybroadsideafterwithdrawingthecannonballs;for
neithertheCensornoranyotherEnglishman,exceptperhapsMrLeslieStephenandafewotherveteransofthe
dwindlingoldguardofBenthamism,caresadumpaboutpoliticalprinciple.TheordinaryBritonthinksthatif
everyotherBritonisnotkeptundersomeformoftutelage,themorechildishthebetter,hewillabusehisfreedom
viciously.Asfarasitsprincipleisconcerned,theCensorshipisthemostpopularinstitutioninEngland;andthe
playwrightwhocriticizesitisslightedasablackguardagitatingforimpunity.Consequentlynothingcanreally
shaketheconfidenceofthepublicintheLordChamberlain'sdepartmentexceptaremorselessandunbowdlerized
narrationofthelicentiousfictionswhichslipthroughitsnet,andarehallmarkedbyitwiththeapprovalofthe
Throne.Butsincethesenarrationscannotbemadepublicwithoutgreatdifficulty,owingtotheobligationan
editorisundernottodealunexpectedlywithmattersthatarenot_virginibuspuerisque_,thechancesareheavily
infavoroftheCensorescapingallremonstrance.WiththeexceptionofsuchcommentsasIwasabletomakein
myowncriticalarticlesinTheWorldandTheSaturdayReviewwhenthepiecesIhavedescribedwerefirst
produced,andafewignorantprotestsbychurchmenagainstmuchbetterplayswhichtheyconfessedtheyhadnot
seennorread,nothinghasbeensaidinthepressthatcouldseriouslydisturbtheeasygoingnotionthatthestage
wouldbemuchworsethanitadmittedlyisbutforthevigilanceoftheKing'sReader.Thetruthis,thatnomanager
woulddareproduceonhisownresponsibilitythepieceshecannowgetroyalcertificatesforattwoguineasper
piece.
IhastentoaddthatIbelievetheseevilstobeinherentinthenatureofallcensorship,andnotmerelya
consequenceoftheformtheinstitutiontakesinLondon.Nodoubtthereisastaggeringabsurdityinappointingan
ordinaryclerktoseethattheleadersofEuropeanliteraturedonotcorruptthemoralsofthenation,andtorestrain
SirHenryIrving,asarogueandavagabond,frompresumingtoimpersonateSamsonorDavidonthestage,
thoughanyothersortofartistmaydaubthesescripturalfiguresonasignboardorcarvethemonatombstone
withouthindrance.IftheGeneralMedicalCouncil,theRoyalCollegeofPhysicians,theRoyalAcademyofArts,
theIncorporatedLawSociety,andConvocationwereabolished,andtheirfunctionshandedovertotheMr
Redford,theConcertofEuropewouldpresumablydeclareEnglandmad,andtreatheraccordingly.Yet,though
neithermedicinenorpaintingnorlawnortheChurchmouldsthecharacterofthenationaspotentlyasthetheatre
does,nothingcancomeonthestageunlessitsdimensionsadmitofitspassingthroughMrRedford'smind!Pray
donotthinkthatIquestionMrRedford'shonesty.Iamquitesurethathesincerelythinksmeablackguard,and
myplayagrosslyimproperone,because,likeTolstoy'sDominionofDarkness,itproduces,astheyareboth
meanttoproduce,averystrongandverypainfulimpressionofevil.Idonotdoubtforamomentthattherapine

4
playwhichIhavedescribed,andwhichhelicensed,wasquiteincapableinmanuscriptofproducinganyparticular
effectonhismindatall,andthatwhenhewasoncesatisfiedthattheillconductedherowasaGermanandnotan
Englishofficer,hepassedtheplaywithoutstudyingitsmoraltendencies.Evenifhehadundertakenthatstudy,
thereisnomorereasontosupposethatheisacompetentmoralistthanthereistosupposethatIamacompetent
mathematician.Buttrulyitdoesnotmatterwhetherheisamoralistornot.Letnobodydreamforamomentthat
whatiswrongwiththeCensorshipistheshortcomingofthegentlemanwhohappensatanymomenttobeacting
asCensor.ReplacehimtomorrowbyanAcademyofLettersandanAcademyofDramaticPoetry,andthenew
andenlargedfilterwillstillexcludeoriginalandepochmakingwork,whilstpassingconventional,oldfashioned,
andvulgarworkwithoutquestion.TheconclavewhichcompilestheindexoftheRomanCatholicChurchisthe
mostaugust,ancient,learned,famous,andauthoritativecensorshipinEurope.Isitmoreenlightened,moreliberal,
moretolerantthatthecomparativelyinfinitesimalofficeoftheLordChamberlain?Onthecontrary,ithasreduced
itselftoadegreeofabsurditywhichmakesaCatholicuniversityacontradictioninterms.Allcensorshipsexistto
preventanyonefromchallengingcurrentconceptionsandexistinginstitutions.Allprogressisinitiatedby
challengingcurrentconcepts,andexecutedbysupplantingexistinginstitutions.Consequentlythefirstcondition
ofprogressistheremovalofcensorships.Thereisthewholecaseagainstcensorshipsinanutshell.
Itwillbeaskedwhethertheatricalmanagersaretobeallowedtoproducewhattheylike,withoutregardtothe
publicinterest.Butthatisnotthealternative.ThemanagersofourLondonmusichallsarenotsubjecttoany
censorship.Theyproducetheirentertainmentsontheirownresponsibility,andhavenotwoguineacertificatesto
pleadiftheirhousesareconductedviciously.Theyknowthatiftheylosetheircharacter,theCountyCouncilwill
simplyrefusetorenewtheirlicenseattheendoftheyear;andnothinginthehistoryofpopularartismore
amazingthantheimprovementinmusichallsthatthissimplearrangementhasproducedwithinafewyears.Place
thetheatresonthesamefooting,andweshallpromptlyhaveasimilarrevolution:awholeclassoffrankly
blackguardlyplays,inwhichunscrupulouslowcomediansattractcrowdstogazeatbeviesofgirlswhohave
nothingtoexhibitbuttheirprettiness,willvanishliketheobscenesongswhichweresupposedtoenliventhe
squaliddulness,incredibletotheyoungergeneration,ofthemusichallsfifteenyearsago.Ontheotherhand,
playswhichtreatsexquestionsasproblemsforthoughtinsteadofasaphrodisiacswillbefreelyperformed.
GentlemenofMrRedford'swayofthinkingwillhaveplentyofopportunityofprotestingagainsttheminCouncil;
buttheresultwillbethattheMrRedfordwillfindhisnaturallevel;IbsenandTolstoytheirs;sonoharmwillbe
done.
ThisquestionoftheCensorshipremindsmethatIhavetoapologizetothosewhowenttotherecentperformance
ofMrsWarren'sProfessionexpectingtofinditwhatIhavejustcalledanaphrodisiac.Thatwasnotmyfault;it
wasMrRedford's.AfterthespecimensIhavegivenofthetoleranceofhisdepartment,itwasnaturalenoughfor
thoughtlesspeopletoinferthataplaywhichoversteppedhisindulgencemustbeaveryexcitingplayindeed.
Accordingly,Ifindonecriticsoexplicitastothenatureofhisdisappointmentastosaycandidlythat"suchairy
talkasthereisuponthematterisutterlyunworthyofacceptanceasbeingarepresentationofwhatpeoplewith
bloodinthemthinkordoonsuchoccasions."ThusamIcrushedbetweentheuppermillstoneoftheMrRedford,
whothinksmealibertine,andthenetherpopularcritic,whothinksmeaprude.Criticsofallgradesandages,
middleagedfathersoffamiliesnolessthanardentyoungenthusiasts,areequallyindignantwithme.Theyrevile
measlackinginpassion,infeeling,inmanhood.Someofthemevensumthematterupbydenyingmeany
dramaticpower:amelancholybetrayalofwhatdramaticpowerhascometomeanonourstageunderthe
Censorship!CanIbeexpectedtorefrainfromlaughingatthespectacleofanumberofrespectablegentlemen
lamentingbecauseaplaywrightluresthemtothetheatrebyapromisetoexcitetheirsensesinaveryspecialand
sensationalmanner,andthen,havingsuccessfullytrappedtheminexceptionalnumbers,proceedstoignoretheir
sensesandruthlesslyimprovetheirminds?ButIprotestagainthatthelurewasnotmine.Theplayhadbeenin
printforfouryears;andIhavesparednopainstomakeknownthatmyplaysarebuilttoinduce,notvoluptuous
reveriebutintellectualinterest,notromanticrhapsodybuthumaneconcern.Accordingly,Idonotfindthose
criticswhoaregiftedwithintellectualappetiteandpoliticalconsciencecomplainingofwantofdramaticpower.
Ratherdotheyprotest,notaltogetherunjustly,againstafewrelapsesintostaginessandcaricaturewhichbetray
theyoungplaywrightandtheoldplaygoerinthisearlyworkofmine.
Astothevoluptuaries,Icanassurethemthattheplaywright,whetherhebemyselforanother,willalways
disappointthem.Thedramacandolittletodelightthesenses:alltheapparentinstancestothecontraryare
instancesofthepersonalfascinationoftheperformers.Thedramaofpurefeelingisnolongerinthehandsofthe
playwright:ithasbeenconqueredbythemusician,afterwhoseenchantmentsalltheverbalartsseemcoldand
tame.RomeoandJulietwiththeloveliestJulietisdry,tedious,andrhetoricalincomparisonwithWagner's
Tristan,eventhoughIsoldebebothfourteenstoneandforty,assheoftenisinGermany.Indeed,itneededno
Wagnertoconvincethepublicofthis.ThevoluptuoussentimentalityofGounod'sFaustandBizet'sCarmenhas
capturedthecommonplaygoer;andthereis,flatly,nofuturenowforanydramawithoutmusicexceptthedrama
ofthought.Theattempttoproduceagenusofoperawithoutmusic(andthisabsurdityiswhatourfashionable

5
theatreshavebeendrivingatforalongtimewithoutknowingit)isfarlesshopefulthanmyowndeterminationto
acceptproblemasthenormalmaterielofthedrama.
Thatthisdeterminationwillthrowmeintoalongconflictwithourtheatrecritics,andwiththefewplaygoerswho
gotothetheatreasoftenasthecritics,Iwellknow;butIamtoowellequippedforthestrifetobedeterredbyit,
ortobearmalicetowardsthelosingside.Intryingtoproducethesensuouseffectsofopera,thefashionabledrama
hasbecomesoflaccidinitssentimentality,andtheintellectofitsfrequenterssoatrophiedbydisuse,thatthe
reintroductionofproblem,withitsremorselesslogicandironframeworkoffact,inevitablyproducesatfirstan
overwhelmingimpressionofcoldnessandinhumanrationalism.Butthiswillsoonpassaway.Whenthe
intellectualmuscleandmoralnerveofthecriticshasbeendevelopedinthestrugglewithmodernproblemplays,
thepettishluxuriousnessofthecleverones,andthesulkysenseofdisadvantagedweaknessinthesentimental
ones,willclearaway;anditwillbeseenthatonlyintheproblemplayisthereanyrealdrama,becausedramais
nomeresettingupofthecameratonature:itisthepresentationinparableoftheconflictbetweenMan'swilland
hisenvironment:inaword,ofproblem.Thevapidnessofsuchdramaasthepseudooperaticplayscontainliesin
thefactthatinthemanimalpassion,sentimentallydiluted,isshewninconflict,notwithrealcircumstances,but
withasetofconventionsandassumptionshalfofwhichdonotexistoffthestage,whilsttheotherhalfcaneither
beevadedbyapretenceofcomplianceordefiedwithcompleteimpunitybyanyreasonablystrongminded
person.Nobodycanfeelthatsuchconventionsarereallycompulsory;andconsequentlynobodycanbelieveinthe
stagepathosthatacceptsthemasaninexorablefate,orinthegenuinenessofthepeoplewhoindulgeinsuch
pathos.Sittingatsuchplays,wedonotbelieve:wemakebelieve.Andthehabitofmakebelievebecomesatlast
sorootedthatcriticismofthetheatreinsensiblyceasestobecriticismatall,andbecomesmoreandmorea
chronicleofthefashionableenterprisesoftheonlyrealitiesleftonthestage:thatis,theperformersintheirown
persons.Inthisphasetheplaywrightwhoattemptstorevivegenuinedramaproducesthedisagreeableimpression
ofthepedantwhoattemptstostartaseriousdiscussionatafashionableathome.Lateron,whenhehasdriventhe
teaservicesoutandmadethepeoplewhohadcometousethetheatreasadrawingroomunderstandthatitisthey
andnotthedramatistwhoaretheintruders,hehastofacetheaccusationthathisplaysignorehumanfeeling,an
illusionproducedbythatveryresistanceoffactandlawtohumanfeelingwhichcreatesdrama.Itisthe_deusex
machina_who,bysuspendingthatresistance,makesthefallofthecurtainanimmediatenecessity,sincedrama
endsexactlywhereresistanceends.Yettheintroductionofthisresistanceproducessostronganimpressionof
heartlessnessnowadaysthatadistinguishedcritichassummeduptheimpressionmadeonhimbyMrsWarren's
Profession,bydeclaringthat"thedifferencebetweenthespiritofTolstoyandthespiritofMrShawisthe
differencebetweenthespiritofChristandthespiritofEuclid."ButtheepigramwouldbeasgoodifTolstoy's
namewereputinplaceofmineandD'Annunzio'sinplaceofTolstoy.AtthesametimeIaccepttheenormous
complimenttomyreasoningpowerswithsincerecomplacency;andIpromisemyflattererthatwhenheis
sufficientlyaccustomedtoandthereforeundazzledbyproblemonthestagetobeabletoattendtothefamiliar
factorofhumanityinitaswellastotheunfamiliaroneofarealenvironment,hewillbothseeandfeelthatMrs
Warren'sProfessionisnomeretheorem,butaplayofinstinctsandtemperamentsinconflictwitheachotherand
withaflintysocialproblemthatneveryieldsaninchtomeresentiment.
Igofurtherthanthis.Ideclarethattherealsecretofthecynicismandinhumanityofwhichshallowercritics
accusemeistheunexpectednesswithwhichmycharactersbehavelikehumanbeings,insteadofconformingto
theromanticlogicofthestage.Theaxiomsandpostulatesofthatdrearymimanthropometryaresowellknown
thatitisalmostimpossibleforitsslavestowritetolerablelastactstotheirplays,soconventionallydotheir
conclusionsfollowfromtheirpremises.BecauseIhavethrownthislogicruthlesslyoverboard,Iamaccusedof
ignoring,notstagelogic,but,ofallthings,humanfeeling.Peoplewithcompletelytheatrifiedimaginationstellme
thatnogirlwouldtreathermotherasVivieWarrendoes,meaningthatnostageheroinewouldinapopular
sentimentalplay.Theysaythisjustastheymightsaythatnotwostraightlineswouldencloseaspace.Theydo
notseehowcompletelyinvertedtheirvisionhasbecomeevenwhenIthrowitspreposterousnessintheirfaces,as
Irepeatedlydointhisveryplay.Praed,thesentimentalartist(foolthatIwasnottomakehimatheatrecritic
insteadofanarchitect!)burlesquesthembyexpectingallthroughthepiecethatthefeelingsofotherswillbe
logicallydeduciblefromtheirfamilyrelationshipsandfromhis"conventionallyunconventional"socialcode.The
sarcasmislostonthecritics:they,saturatedwiththesamelogic,onlythinkhimthesolesensiblepersononthe
stage.Thusitcomesaboutthatthemorecompletelythedramatistisemancipatedfromtheillusionthatmenand
womenareprimarilyreasonablebeings,andthemorepowerfullyheinsistsontheruthlessindifferenceoftheir
greatdramaticantagonist,theexternalworld,totheirwhimsandemotions,thesurerheistobedenouncedas
blindtotheverydistinctiononwhichhiswholeworkisbuilt.Farfromignoringidiosyncrasy,will,passion,
impulse,whim,asfactorsinhumanaction,Ihaveplacedthemsonakedlyonthestagethattheelderlycitizen,
accustomedtoseethemclothedwiththeveilofmanufacturedlogicaboutduty,andtodisguiseevenhisown
impulsesfromhimselfinthisway,findsthepictureasunnaturalasCarlyle'ssuggestedpaintingofparliament
sittingwithoutitsclothes.

6
Inowcometothosecriticswho,intellectuallybaffledbytheprobleminMrsWarren'sProfession,havemadea
virtueofrunningawayfromit.IwillillustratetheirmethodbyquotationfromDickens,takenfromthefifth
chapterofOurMutualFriend:
"Hem!"beganWegg."This,MrBoffinandLady,isthefirstchapterofthefirstwollumeoftheDeclineandFall
off"herehelookedhardatthebook,andstopped.
"What'sthematter,Wegg?"
"Why,itcomesintomymind,doyouknow,sir,"saidWeggwithanairofinsinuatingfrankness(havingfirst
againlookedhardatthebook),"thatyoumadealittlemistakethismorning,whichIhadmeanttosetyourightin;
onlysomethingputitoutofmyhead.IthinkyousaidRooshanEmpire,sir?"
"ItisRooshan;ain'tit,Wegg?"
"No,sir.Roman.Roman."
"What'sthedifference,Wegg?"
"Thedifference,sir?"MrWeggwasfalteringandindangerofbreakingdown,whenabrightthoughtflashedupon
him."Thedifference,sir?Thereyouplacemeinadifficulty,MrBoffin.Sufficeittoobserve,thatthedifference
isbestpostponedtosomeotheroccasionwhenMrsBoffindoesnothonoruswithhercompany.InMrsBoffin's
presence,sir,wehadbetterdropit."
MrWeggthuscameoutofhisdisadvantagewithquiteachivalrousair,andnotonlythat,butbydintofrepeating
withamanlydelicacy,"InMrsBoffin'spresence,sir,wehadbetterdropit!"turnedthedisadvantageonBoffin,
whofeltthathehadcommittedhimselfinaverypainfulmanner.
IamwillingtoletMrWeggdropitontheseterms,providedIamallowedtomentionherethatMrsWarren's
Professionisaplayforwomen;thatitwaswrittenforwomen;thatithasbeenperformedandproducedmainly
throughthedeterminationofwomenthatitshouldbeperformedandproduced;thattheenthusiasmofwomen
madeitsfirstperformanceexcitinglysuccessful;andthatnotoneofthesewomenhadanyinducementtosupport
itexcepttheirbeliefinthetimelinessandthepowerofthelessontheplayteaches.Thosewhowere"surprisedto
seeladiespresent"weremen;andwhentheyproceededtoexplainthatthejournalstheyrepresentedcouldnot
possiblydemoralizethepublicbydescribingsuchaplay,theireditorscruellydevotedthespacesavedbytheir
delicacytoanelaborateandrespectfulaccountoftheprogressofayounglord'sattempttobreakthebankat
MonteCarlo.AfewdayssoonerMrsWarrenwouldhavebeencrowdedoutoftheirpapersbyanexceptionally
abominablepolicecase.Idonotsuggestthatthepolicecaseshouldhavebeensuppressed;butneitherdoIbelieve
thatregardforpublicmoralityhadanythingtodowiththeirfailuretograpplewiththeperformancebytheStage
Society.And,afterall,therewasnoneedtofallbackonSilasWegg'ssubterfuge.Severalcriticssavedthefaces
oftheirpaperseasilyenoughbythesimpleexpedientofsayingalltheyhadtosayinthetoneofashocked
governesslecturinganaughtychild.TothemImightplead,inMrsWarren'swords,"Well,it'sonlygoodmanners
tobeashamed,dearie;"butitsurprisesme,recollectingasIdotheeffectproducedbyMissFannyBrough's
deliveryofthatline,thatgentlemenwhoshiveredlikevioletsinazephyrasitsweptthroughthem,shouldso
completelymissthefullwidthofitsapplicationastogohomeandstraightwaymakeapublicexhibitionofmock
modesty.
MyoldIndependentTheatremanager,MrGrein,besidesthatreproachtomeforshatteringhisideals,complains
thatMrsWarrenisnotwickedenough,andnamesseveralromancerswhowouldhaveclothedherblacksoulwith
alltheterrorsoftragedy.Ihavenodoubttheywould;butifyouplease,mydearGrein,thatisjustwhatIdidnot
wanttodo.NothingwouldpleaseoursanctimoniousBritishpublicmorethantothrowthewholeguiltofMrs
Warren'sprofessiononMrsWarrenherself.NowthewholeaimofmyplayistothrowthatguiltontheBritish
publicitself.Youmayrememberthatwhenyouproducedmyfirstplay,Widowers'Houses,exactlythesame
misunderstandingarose.Whenthevirtuousyounggentlemanroseupinwrathagainsttheslumlandlord,theslum
landlordveryeffectivelyshewedhimthatslumsaretheproduct,notofindividualHarpagons,butofthe
indifferenceofvirtuousyounggentlementotheconditionofthecitytheylivein,providedtheyliveatthewest
endofitonmoneyearnedbysomeoneelse'slabor.Thenotionthatprostitutioniscreatedbythewickednessof
MrsWarrenisassillyasthenotionprevalent,nevertheless,tosomeextentinTemperancecirclesthat
drunkennessiscreatedbythewickednessofthepublican.MrsWarrenisnotawhitaworsewomanthanthe
reputabledaughterwhocannotendureher.Herindifferencetotheultimatesocialconsequencesofhermeansof
makingmoney,andherdiscoveryofthatmeansbytheordinarymethodoftakingthelineofleastresistanceto
gettingit,aretoocommoninEnglishsocietytocallforanyspecialremark.Hervitality,herthrift,herenergy,her
outspokenness,herwisecareofherdaughter,andthemanagingcapacitywhichhasenabledherandhersisterto
climbfromthefriedfishshopdownbytheMinttotheestablishmentsofwhichsheboasts,areallhighEnglish
socialvirtues.HerdefenceofherselfissooverwhelmingthatitprovokestheStJamesGazettetodeclarethat"the

7
tendencyoftheplayiswhollyevil"because"itcontainsoneoftheboldestandmostspeciousdefencesofan
immorallifeforpoorwomenthathaseverbeenpenned."HappilytheStJamesGazetteherespeaksinitshaste.
MrsWarren'sdefenceofherselfisnotonlyboldandspecious,butvalidandunanswerable.Butitisnodefenceat
allofthevicewhichsheorganizes.Itisnodefenceofanimmorallifetosaythatthealternativeofferedbysociety
collectivelytopoorwomenisamiserablelife,starved,overworked,fetid,ailing,ugly.Thoughitisquitenatural
andRIGHTforMrsWarrentochoosewhatis,accordingtoherlights,theleastimmoralalternative,itisnonethe
lessinfamousofsocietytooffersuchalternatives.Forthealternativesofferedarenotmoralityandimmorality,
buttwosortsofimmorality.Themanwhocannotseethatstarvation,overwork,dirt,anddiseaseareasantisocial
asprostitutionthattheyarethevicesandcrimesofanation,andnotmerelyitsmisfortunesis(toputitas
politelyaspossible)ahopelesslyPrivatePerson.
ThenotionthatMrsWarrenmustbeafiendisonlyanexampleoftheviolenceandpassionwhichtheslightest
referencetosexarousesinundisciplinedminds,andwhichmakesitseemnaturalforourlawgiverstopunishsilly
andnegligibleindecencieswithaferocityunknownindealingwith,forexample,ruinousfinancialswindling.Had
myplaybeentitledMrWarren'sProfession,andMrWarrenbeenabookmaker,nobodywouldhaveexpectedme
tomakehimavillainaswell.Yetgamblingisavice,andbookmakinganinstitution,forwhichthereisabsolutely
nothingtobesaid.Themoralandeconomicevildonebytryingtogetotherpeople'smoneywithoutworkingforit
(andthisistheessenceofgambling)isnotonlyenormousbutuncompensated.Therearenotwosidestothe
questionofgambling,nocircumstanceswhichforceustotolerateitlestitssuppressionleadtoworsethings,no
consensusofopinionamongresponsibleclasses,suchasmagistratesandmilitarycommanders,thatitisa
necessity,noAthenianrecordsofgamblingmadesplendidbythetalentsofitsprofessors,nocontentionthat
insteadofviolatingmoralsitonlyviolatesalegalinstitutionwhichisinmanyrespectsoppressiveandunnatural,
nopossiblepleathattheinstinctonwhichitisfoundedisavitalone.Prostitutioncanconfusetheissuewithall
theseexcuses:gamblinghasnoneofthem.Consequently,ifMrsWarrenmustneedsbeademon,abookmaker
mustbeacacodemon.Well,doesanybodywhoknowsthesportingworldreallybelievethatbookmakersare
worsethantheirneighbors?Onthecontrary,theyhavetobeagooddealbetter;forinthatworldnearlyeverybody
whosesocialrankdoesnotexcludesuchanoccupationwouldbeabookmakerifhecould;butthestrengthof
characterforhandlinglargesumsofmoneyandforstrictsettlementsandunflinchingpaymentoflossesissorare
thatsuccessfulbookmakersareraretoo.Itmayseemthatatleastpublicspiritcannotbeoneofabookmaker's
virtues;butIcantestifyfrompersonalexperiencethatexcellentpublicworkisdonewithmoneysubscribedby
bookmakers.Itistruethatthereareabyssesinbookmaking:forexample,welshing.MrGreinhintsthatthereare
abyssesinMrsWarren'sprofessionalso.Sothereareineveryprofession:theerrorliesinsupposingthatevery
memberofthemsoundsthesedepths.IsitonapublicbodywhichprosecutesMrsWarrenzealously;andIcan
assureMrGreinthatsheisoftenlenientlydealtwithbecauseshehasconductedherbusiness"respectably"and
heldherselfaboveitsvilestbranches.Thedegreesininfamyareasnumerousandasscrupulouslyobservedasthe
degreesinthepeerage:themoralist'snotionthattherearedepthsatwhichthemoralatmosphereceasesisas
delusiveastherichman'snotionthattherearenosocialjealousiesorsnobberiesamongtheverypoor.No:hadI
drawnMrsWarrenasafiendinhumanform,theverypeoplewhonowrebukemeforflatteringherwould
probablybethefirsttoderidemefordeducinghercharacterlogicallyfromoccupationinsteadofobservingit
accuratelyinsociety.
OnecriticissoenslavedbythissortoflogicthathecallsmyportraitureoftheReverendSamuelGardneran
attackonreligion.
AccordingtothisviewSubalternIagoisanattackonthearmy,SirJohnFalstaffanattackonknighthood,and
KingClaudiusanattackonroyalty.Hereagaintheclamorfornaturalnessandhumanfeeling,raisedbysomany
criticswhentheyareconfrontedbytherealthingonthestage,isreallyaclamorforthemostmechanicaland
superficialsortoflogic.ThedramaticreasonformakingtheclergymanwhatMrsWarrencalls"anoldstickin
themud,"whoseson,inspiteofmuchcapacityandcharm,isacynicallyworthlessmemberofsociety,istosetup
amordantcontrastbetweenhimandthewomanofinfamousprofession,withherwellbroughtup,
straightforward,hardworkingdaughter.Thecriticswhohavemissedthecontrasthavedoubtlessobservedoften
enoughthatmanyclergymenareintheChurchthroughnogenuinecalling,butsimplybecause,incircleswhich
cancommandpreferment,itistherefugeof"thefoolofthefamily";andthatclergymen'ssonsareoften
conspicuousreactionistsagainsttherestraintsimposedontheminchildhoodbytheirfather'sprofession.These
criticsmustknow,too,fromhistoryifnotfromexperience,thatwomenasunscrupulousasMrsWarrenhave
distinguishedthemselvesasadministratorsandrulers,bothcommerciallyandpolitically.Butbothobservation
andknowledgeareleftbehindwhenjournalistsgotothetheatre.Onceintheirstalls,theyassumethatitis
"natural"forclergymentobesaintly,forsoldierstobeheroic,forlawyerstobehardhearted,forsailorstobe
simpleandgenerous,fordoctorstoperformmiracleswithlittlebottles,andforMrsWarrentobeabeastanda
demon.Allthisisnotonlynotnatural,butnotdramatic.Aman'sprofessiononlyentersintothedramaofhislife
whenitcomesintoconflictwithhisnature.TheresultofthisconflictistragicinMrsWarren'scase,andcomicin
theclergyman'scase(atleastwearesavageenoughtolaughatit);butinbothcasesitisillogical,andinboth

8
casesnatural.Irepeat,thecriticswhoaccusemeofsacrificingnaturetologicaresosophisticatedbytheir
professionthattothemlogicisnature,andnatureabsurdity.
Manyfriendlycriticsaretoolittleskilledinsocialquestionsandmoraldiscussionstobeabletoconceivethat
respectablegentlemenlikethemselves,whowouldinstantlycallthepolicetoremoveMrsWarrenifsheventured
tocanvassthempersonally,couldpossiblybeinanywayresponsibleforherproceedings.Theyremonstrate
sincerely,askingmewhatgoodsuchpainfulexposurescanpossiblydo.TheymightaswellaskwhatgoodLord
Shaftesburydidbydevotinghislifetotheexposureofevils(bynomeansyetremedied)comparedtowhichthe
worstthingsbroughtintovieworevenintosurmisebythisplayaretrifles.Thegoodofmentioningthemisthat
youmakepeoplesoextremelyuncomfortableaboutthemthattheyfinallystopblaming"humannature"forthem,
andbegintosupportmeasuresfortheirreform.
CananythingbemoreabsurdthanthecopyofTheEchowhichcontainsanoticeoftheperformanceofmyplay?
Itiseditedbyagentlemanwho,havingdevotedhislifetoworkoftheShaftesburytype,exposessocialevilsand
clamorsfortheirreformineverycolumnexceptone;andthatoneisoccupiedbythedeclarationofthepaper's
kindlytheatrecritic,thattheperformancelefthim"wonderingwhatusefulpurposetheplaywasintendedto
serve."Thebalancehastoberedressedbythemorefashionablepapers,whichusuallycombinecapableart
criticismwithWestEndsolecismonpoliticsandsociology.Itisverynoteworthy,however,oncomparingthe
pressexplosionproducedbyMrsWarren'sProfessionin1902withthatproducedbyWidowers'Housesaboutten
yearsearlier,thatwhereasin1892thefactswerefranticallydeniedandthepersonsofthedramafloutedas
monstersofwickedness,in1902thefactsareadmittedandthecharactersrecognized,thoughitissuggestedthat
thisisexactlywhynogentlemanshouldmentiontheminpublic.Onlyonewriterhasventuredtoimplythistime
thatthepovertymentionedbyMrsWarrenhassincebeenquietlyrelieved,andneednothavebeendraggedback
tothefootlights.Icomplimenthimonhissplendidmendacity,inwhichheisunsupported,savebyalittlepleain
atheatricalpaperwhichisinnocentenoughtothinkthattenguineasayearwithboardandlodgingisan
impossiblylowwageforabarmaid.ItgoesontociteMrCharlesBoothashavingtestifiedthattherearemany
laborers'wiveswhoarehappyandcontentedoneighteenshillingsaweek.ButIcangofurtherthanthatmyself.I
haveseenanOxfordagriculturallaborer'swifelookingcheerfuloneightshillingsaweek;butthatdoesnot
consolemeforthefactthatagricultureinEnglandisaruinedindustry.Ifpovertydoesnotmatteraslongasitis
contented,thencrimedoesnotmatteraslongasitisunscrupulous.Thetruthisthatitisonlythenthatitdoes
mattermostdesperately.Manypersonsaremorecomfortablewhentheyaredirtythanwhentheyareclean;but
thatdoesnotrecommenddirtasanationalpolicy.
HereImustforthepresentbreakoffmyarduousworkofeducatingthePress.Weshallresumeourstudieslater
on;butjustnowIamtiredofplayingthepreceptor;andtheeagerthirstofmypupilsforimprovementdoesnot
consolemefortheslownessoftheirprogress.Besides,Imustreservespacetogratifymyownvanityanddo
justicetothesixartistswhoactedmyplay,byplacingonrecordthehithertounchronicledsuccessofthefirst
representation.Itisnotoftenthatanauthor,afteracoupleofhoursofthoserarealternationsofexcitementand
intenselyattentivesilencewhichonlyoccurinthetheatrewhenactorsandaudiencearereactingononeanotherto
theutmost,isabletosteponthestageandapplythestrongwordgeniustotherepresentationwiththecertaintyof
elicitinganinstantandoverwhelmingassentfromtheaudience.Thatwasmygoodfortuneontheafternoonof
Sunday,thefifthofJanuarylast.Iwascertainlyextremelyfortunateinmyinterpretersintheenterprise,andthat
notaloneinrespectoftheirartistictalent;forhaditnotbeenfortheirsuperhumanpatience,theirimperturbable
goodhumorandgoodfellowship,therecouldhavebeennoperformance.TheterroroftheCensor'spowergaveus
troubleenoughtobreakupanyordinarycommercialenterprise.Managerspromisedandevenengagedtheir
theatrestousafterthemostexplicitwarningsthattheplaywasunlicensed,andatthelastmomentsuddenly
realizedthatMrRedfordhadtheirlivelihoodsinthehollowofhishand,andbackedout.Overandoveragainthe
dateandplacewerefixedandtheticketsprinted,onlytobecanceled,untilatlastthedesperateandoverworked
manageroftheStageSocietycouldonlylaugh,ascriminalsbrokenonthewheelusedtolaughatthesecond
stroke.Werehearsedundergreatdifficulties.Christmaspiecesandplaysforthenewyearwerebeingproducedin
alldirections;andmysixactorcolleagueswerebusypeople,withengagementsinthesepiecesinadditiontotheir
currentprofessionalworkeverynight.Onseveralrawwinterdaysstagesforrehearsalwereunattainableevenby
themostdistinguishedapplicants;andwesharedcorridorsandsaloonswiththemwhilstthestagewasgivenover
tochildrenintrainingforBoxingnight.Atlastwehadtorehearseatanhouratwhichnoactororactresshasbeen
outofbedwithinthememoryofman;andwesardonicallycongratulatedoneanothereverymorningonourrosy
matutinallooksandtheimprovementwroughtbyourearlyrisinginourhealthandcharacters.Andallthis,please
observe,forasocietywithouttreasuryorcommercialprestige,foraplaywhichwasbeingdenouncedinadvance
asunmentionable,foranauthorwithoutinfluenceatthefashionabletheatres!IvictoriouslychallengetheWest
Endmanagerstogetasmuchdoneforinterestedmotives,iftheycan.
Threecausesmadetheproductionthemostnotablethathasfallentomylot.First,thevetooftheCensor,which
putthesupportersoftheplayontheirmettle.Second,thechivalryoftheStageSociety,which,inspiteofmy

9
urgentadvicetothecontrary,andmydemonstrationofthedifficulties,dangers,andexpensestheenterprise
wouldcost,putmydiscouragementstoshameandresolvedtogivebattleatallcoststotheattemptofthe
Censorshiptosuppresstheplay.Third,theartisticspiritoftheactors,whomadetheplaytheirownandcarriedit
throughtriumphantlyinspiteofaseriesofdisappointmentsandannoyancesmuchmoretryingtothedramatic
temperamentthanmeredifficulties.
Theacting,too,requiredcourageandcharacteraswellasskillandintelligence.ThevetooftheCensorintroduced
quiteanovelelementofmoralresponsibilityintotheundertaking.Andthecharacterswereveryunusualonthe
Englishstage.Theyoungerheroineis,likehermother,anEnglishwomantothebackbone,andnot,likethe
heroinesofourfashionabledrama,aprimadonnaofItalianorigin.Consequentlyshewassuretobedenouncedas
unnaturalandundramaticbythecritics.Themostviciousmanintheplayisnotintheleastastagevillain;indeed,
heregardshisownmoralcharacterwiththesincerecomplacencyofaheroofmelodrama.Theamiabledevoteeof
romanceandbeautyisshewnatanagewhichbringsoutthefutilizationwhichtheseworshipsareapttoproduceif
theyaremadethestapleoflifeinsteadofthesauce.Theattitudeofthecleveryoungpeopletotheireldersis
faithfullyrepresentedasoneofpitilessridiculeandunsympatheticcriticism,andformsaspectacleincredibleto
thosewho,whenyoung,werenotclevererthantheirnearestelders,andpainfultothosesentimentalparentswho
shrinkfromthecrueltyofyouth,whichpardonsnothingbecauseitknowsnothing.Inshort,thecharactersand
theirrelationsareofakindthattheroutineercritichasnotyetlearnedtoplace;sothattheirmisunderstandingwas
aforegoneconclusion.Nevertheless,therewasnohesitationbehindthecurtain.Whenitwentupatlast,astage
muchtoosmallforthecompanywasrevealedtoanauditoriummuchtoosmallfortheaudience.Buttheplayers,
thoughitwasimpossibleforthemtoforgettheirowndiscomfort,atoncemadethespectatorsforgettheirs.It
certainlywasamodelaudience,responsivefromthefirstlinetothelast;anditgotnolessthanitdeservedin
return.
Igrievetoaddthatthesecondperformance,givenfortheedificationoftheLondonPressandofthosemembers
oftheStageSocietywhocannotattendtheSundayperformances,wasalessinspiritingonethanthefirst.Asolid
phalanxoftheatrewearyjournalistsinanafternoonhumor,mostofthemcommittedtoirreconcilable
disparagementofproblemplays,andallofthemboundbyetiquettetobeasundemonstrativeaspossible,isnot
exactlythesortofaudiencethatrisesattheperformersandcuresthemoftheinevitablereactionafteran
excitinglysuccessfulfirstnight.Theartistnatureisasensitiveandthereforeavindictiveone;andmasterful
playershaveawaywithrecalcitrantaudiencesofrubbingaplayintotheminsteadofdelightingthemwithit.I
shoulddescribethesecondperformanceofMrsWarren'sProfession,especiallyastoitsearlierstages,as
decidedlyarubbedinone.Therubbingwasnodoubtsalutary;butitmusthavehurtsomeofthethinnerskins.
Thecharmofthelighterpassagesfled;andthestrongscenes,thoughtheyagaincarriedeverythingbeforethem,
yetdischargedthatdutyinagrimfashion,doingexecutionontheenemyratherthanmovingthemtorepentance
andconfession.Still,tothosewhohadnotseenthefirstperformance,theeffectwassufficientlyimpressive;and
theyhadtheadvantageofwitnessingafreshdevelopmentinMrsWarren,who,artisticallyjealous,asItookit,of
theoverwhelmingeffectoftheendofthesecondactonthepreviousday,threwherselfintothefourthactinquite
anewway,andachievedtheapparentlyimpossiblefeatofsurpassingherself.ThecomplimentspaidtoMiss
FannyBroughbythecritics,eulogisticastheyare,arethecomplimentsofmenthreefourthsdupedasPartridge
wasdupedbyGarrick.Bymuchofheractingtheyweresocompletelytakeninthattheydidnotrecognizeitas
actingatall.Indeed,noneofthesixplayersquiteescapedthisconsequenceoftheirownthoroughness.Therewas
adistincttendencyamongthelessexperiencedcriticstocomplainoftheirsentimentsandbehavior.Naturally,the
authordoesnotsharethatgrievance.
PICCARD'SCOTTAGE,JANUARY1902.

MRSWARREN'SPROFESSION
[MrsWarren'sProfessionwasperformedforthefirsttimeinthetheatreoftheNewLyricClub,London,onthe
5thand6thJanuary1902,withMadgeMcIntoshasVivie,JuliusKnightasPraed,FannyBroughasMrsWarren,
CharlesGoodhartasCrofts,HarleyGranvilleBarkerasFrank,andCosmoStuartastheReverendSamuel
Gardner.]

ACTI
[SummerafternooninacottagegardenontheeasternslopeofahillalittlesouthofHaslemereinSurrey.
Lookingupthehill,thecottageisseeninthelefthandcornerofthegarden,withitsthatchedroofandporch,and
alargelatticedwindowtotheleftoftheporch.Apalingcompletelyshutsinthegarden,exceptforagateonthe

10
right.Thecommonrisesuphillbeyondthepalingtotheskyline.Somefoldedcanvasgardenchairsareleaning
againstthesidebenchintheporch.Alady'sbicycleisproppedagainstthewall,underthewindow.Alittletothe
rightoftheporchahammockisslungfromtwoposts.Abigcanvasumbrella,stuckintheground,keepsthesun
offthehammock,inwhichayoungladyisreadingandmakingnotes,herheadtowardsthecottageandherfeet
towardsthegate.Infrontofthehammock,andwithinreachofherhand,isacommonkitchenchair,withapileof
seriouslookingbooksandasupplyofwritingpaperonit.]
[Agentlemanwalkingonthecommoncomesintosightfrombehindthecottage.Heishardlypastmiddleage,
withsomethingoftheartistabouthim,unconventionallybutcarefullydressed,andcleanshavenexceptfora
moustache,withaneagersusceptiblefaceandveryamiableandconsideratemanners.Hehassilkyblackhair,
withwavesofgreyandwhiteinit.Hiseyebrowsarewhite,hismoustacheblack.Heseemsnotcertainofhisway.
Helooksoverthepalings;takesstockoftheplace;andseestheyounglady.]
THEGENTLEMAN[takingoffhishat]Ibegyourpardon.CanyoudirectmetoHindheadViewMrsAlison's?
THEYOUNGLADY[glancingupfromherbook]ThisisMrsAlison's.[Sheresumesherwork].
THEGENTLEMAN.Indeed!PerhapsmayIaskareyouMissVivieWarren?
THEYOUNGLADY[sharply,assheturnsonherelbowtogetagoodlookathim]Yes.
THEGENTLEMAN[dauntedandconciliatory]I'mafraidIappearintrusive.MynameisPraed.[Vivieatonce
throwsherbooksuponthechair,andgetsoutofthehammock].Oh,praydon'tletmedisturbyou.
VIVIE[stridingtothegateandopeningitforhim]Comein,MrPraed.[Hecomesin].Gladtoseeyou.[She
proffersherhandandtakeshiswitharesoluteandheartygrip.Sheisanattractivespecimenofthesensible,able,
highlyeducatedyoungmiddleclassEnglishwoman.Age22.Prompt,strong,confident,selfpossessed.Plain
businesslikedress,butnotdowdy.Shewearsachatelaineatherbelt,withafountainpenandapaperknife
amongitspendants].
PRAED.Verykindofyouindeed,MissWarren.[Sheshutsthegatewithavigorousslam.Hepassesintothe
middleofthegarden,exercisinghisfingers,whichareslightlynumbedbyhergreeting].Hasyourmotherarrived?
VIVIE[quickly,evidentlyscentingaggression]Isshecoming?
PRAED[surprised]Didn'tyouexpectus?
VIVIE.No.
PRAED.Now,goodnessme,IhopeI'venotmistakentheday.Thatwouldbejustlikeme,youknow.Your
motherarrangedthatshewastocomedownfromLondonandthatIwastocomeoverfromHorshamtobe
introducedtoyou.
VIVIE[notatallpleased]Didshe?Hm!MymotherhasratheratrickoftakingmebysurprisetoseehowI
behavemyselfwhileshe'saway,Isuppose.IfancyIshalltakemymotherverymuchbysurpriseoneofthese
days,ifshemakesarrangementsthatconcernmewithoutconsultingmebeforehand.Shehasntcome.
PRAED[embarrassed]I'mreallyverysorry.
VIVIE[throwingoffherdispleasure]It'snotyourfault,MrPraed,isit?AndI'mverygladyou'vecome.Youare
theonlyoneofmymother'sfriendsIhaveeveraskedhertobringtoseeme.
PRAED[relievedanddelighted]Oh,nowthisisreallyverygoodofyou,MissWarren!
VIVIE.Willyoucomeindoors;orwouldyourathersitouthereandtalk?
PRAED.Itwillbenicerouthere,don'tyouthink?
VIVIE.ThenI'llgoandgetyouachair.[Shegoestotheporchforagardenchair].
PRAED[followingher]Oh,pray,pray!Allowme.[Helayshandsonthechair].
VIVIE[lettinghimtakeit]Takecareofyourfingers;theyreratherdodgythings,thosechairs.[Shegoesacrossto
thechairwiththebooksonit;pitchesthemintothehammock;andbringsthechairforwardwithoneswing].
PRAED[whohasjustunfoldedhischair]Oh,nowdoletmetakethathardchair.Ilikehardchairs.
VIVIE.SodoI.Sitdown,MrPraed.[Thisinvitationshegiveswithagenialperemptoriness,hisanxietytoplease
herclearlystrikingherasasignofweaknessofcharacteronhispart.Buthedoesnotimmediatelyobey].
PRAED.Bytheway,though,hadntwebettergotothestationtomeetyourmother?
VIVIE[coolly]Why?Sheknowstheway.

11
PRAED[disconcerted]ErIsupposeshedoes[hesitsdown].
VIVIE.Doyouknow,youarejustlikewhatIexpected.Ihopeyouaredisposedtobefriendswithme.
PRAED[againbeaming]Thankyou,my_dear_MissWarren;thankyou.Dearme!I'msogladyourmotherhasnt
spoiltyou!
VIVIE.How?
PRAED.Well,inmakingyoutooconventional.Youknow,mydearMissWarren,Iamabornanarchist.Ihate
authority.Itspoilstherelationsbetweenparentandchild;evenbetweenmotheranddaughter.NowIwasalways
afraidthatyourmotherwouldstrainherauthoritytomakeyouveryconventional.It'ssucharelieftofindthatshe
hasnt.
VIVIE.Oh!haveIbeenbehavingunconventionally?
PRAED.Ohno:ohdearno.Atleast,notconventionallyunconventionally,youunderstand.[Shenodsandsits
down.Hegoeson,withacordialoutburst]Butitwassocharmingofyoutosaythatyouweredisposedtobe
friendswithme!Youmodernyoungladiesaresplendid:perfectlysplendid!
VIVIE[dubiously]Eh?[watchinghimwithdawningdisappointmentastothequalityofhisbrainsandcharacter].
PRAED.WhenIwasyourage,youngmenandwomenwereafraidofeachother:therewasnogoodfellowship.
Nothingreal.Onlygallantrycopiedoutofnovels,andasvulgarandaffectedasitcouldbe.Maidenlyreserve!
gentlemanlychivalry!alwayssayingnowhenyoumeantyes!simplepurgatoryforshyandsinceresouls.
VIVIE.Yes,Iimaginetheremusthavebeenafrightfulwasteoftime.Especiallywomen'stime.
PRAED.Oh,wasteoflife,wasteofeverything.Butthingsareimproving.Doyouknow,Ihavebeeninapositive
stateofexcitementaboutmeetingyoueversinceyourmagnificentachievementsatCambridge:athingunheardof
inmyday.Itwasperfectlysplendid,yourtieingwiththethirdwrangler.Justtherightplace,youknow.Thefirst
wranglerisalwaysadreamy,morbidfellow,inwhomthethingispushedtothelengthofadisease.
VIVIE.Itdoesn'tpay.Iwouldn'tdoitagainforthesamemoney.
PRAED[aghast]Thesamemoney!
VIVIE.Yes.Fiftypounds.Perhapsyoudon'tknowhowitwas.MrsLatham,mytutoratNewnham,toldmy
motherthatIcoulddistinguishmyselfinthemathematicaltriposifIwentinforitinearnest.Thepaperswerefull
justthenofPhillipaSummersbeatingtheseniorwrangler.Yourememberaboutit,ofcourse.
PRAED[shakeshisheadenergetically]!!!
VIVIE.Well,anyhow,shedid;andnothingwouldpleasemymotherbutthatIshoulddothesamething.Isaid
flatlythatitwasnotworthmywhiletofacethegrindsinceIwasnotgoinginforteaching;butIofferedtotryfor
fourthwranglerorthereaboutsforfiftypounds.Sheclosedwithmeatthat,afteralittlegrumbling;andIwas
betterthanmybargain.ButIwouldn'tdoitagainforthat.Twohundredpoundswouldhavebeennearerthemark.
PRAED[muchdamped]Lordblessme!Thatsaverypracticalwayoflookingatit.
VIVIE.Didyouexpecttofindmeanunpracticalperson?
PRAED.Butsurelyit'spracticaltoconsidernotonlytheworkthesehonorscost,butalsotheculturetheybring.
VIVIE.Culture!MydearMrPraed:doyouknowwhatthemathematicaltriposmeans?Itmeansgrind,grind,
grindforsixtoeighthoursadayatmathematics,andnothingbutmathematics.
I'msupposedtoknowsomethingaboutscience;butIknownothingexceptthemathematicsitinvolves.Ican
makecalculationsforengineers,electricians,insurancecompanies,andsoon;butIknownexttonothingabout
engineeringorelectricityorinsurance.Idon'tevenknowarithmeticwell.Outsidemathematics,lawntennis,
eating,sleeping,cycling,andwalking,I'mamoreignorantbarbarianthananywomancouldpossiblybewho
hadn'tgoneinforthetripos.
PRAED[revolted]Whatamonstrous,wicked,rascallysystem!Iknewit!Ifeltatoncethatitmeantdestroyingall
thatmakeswomanhoodbeautiful!
VIVIE.Idon'tobjecttoitonthatscoreintheleast.Ishallturnittoverygoodaccount,Iassureyou.
PRAED.Pooh!Inwhatway?

12
VIVIE.IshallsetupchambersintheCity,andworkatactuarialcalculationsandconveyancing.Undercoverof
thatIshalldosomelaw,withoneeyeontheStockExchangeallthetime.I'vecomedownherebymyselftoread
law:notforaholiday,asmymotherimagines.Ihateholidays.
PRAED.Youmakemybloodruncold.Areyoutohavenoromance,nobeautyinyourlife?
VIVIE.Idon'tcareforeither,Iassureyou.
PRAED.Youcan'tmeanthat.
VIVIE.OhyesIdo.Ilikeworkingandgettingpaidforit.WhenI'mtiredofworking,Ilikeacomfortablechair,a
cigar,alittlewhisky,andanovelwithagooddetectivestoryinit.
PRAED[risinginafrenzyofrepudiation]Idon'tbelieveit.Iamanartist;andIcan'tbelieveit:Irefusetobelieve
it.It'sonlythatyouhavn'tdiscoveredyetwhatawonderfulworldartcanopenuptoyou.
VIVIE.YesIhave.LastMayIspentsixweeksinLondonwithHonoriaFraser.Mammathoughtweweredoinga
roundofsightseeingtogether;butIwasreallyatHonoria'schambersinChanceryLaneeveryday,workingaway
atactuarialcalculationsforher,andhelpingheraswellasagreenhorncould.Intheeveningswesmokedand
talked,andneverdreamtofgoingoutexceptforexercise.AndIneverenjoyedmyselfmoreinmylife.
Iclearedallmyexpensesandgotinitiatedintothebusinesswithoutafeeinthebargain.
PRAED.Butblessmyheartandsoul,MissWarren,doyoucallthatdiscoveringart?
VIVIE.Waitabit.Thatwasn'tthebeginning.Iwentuptotownonaninvitationfromsomeartisticpeoplein
Fitzjohn'sAvenue:oneofthegirlswasaNewnhamchum.TheytookmetotheNationalGallery
PRAED[approving]Ah!![Hesitsdown,muchrelieved].
VIVIE[continuing]totheOpera
PRAED[stillmorepleased]Good!
VIVIE.andtoaconcertwherethebandplayedalltheevening:BeethovenandWagnerandsoon.Iwouldn'tgo
throughthatexperienceagainforanythingyoucouldofferme.Iheldoutforcivility'ssakeuntilthethirdday;and
thenIsaid,plumpout,thatIcouldn'tstandanymoreofit,andwentofftoChanceryLane.Nowyouknowthe
sortofperfectlysplendidmodernyoungladyIam.HowdoyouthinkIshallgetonwithmymother?
PRAED[startled]Well,Ihopeer
VIVIE.It'snotsomuchwhatyouhopeaswhatyoubelieve,thatIwanttoknow.
PRAED.Well,frankly,Iamafraidyourmotherwillbealittledisappointed.Notfromanyshortcomingonyour
part,youknow:Idon'tmeanthat.Butyouaresodifferentfromherideal.
VIVIE.Herwhat?!
PRAED.Herideal.
VIVIE.DoyoumeanheridealofME?
PRAED.Yes.
VIVIE.Whatonearthisitlike?
PRAED.Well,youmusthaveobserved,MissWarren,thatpeoplewhoaredissatisfiedwiththeirownbringingup
generallythinkthattheworldwouldbeallrightifeverybodyweretobebroughtupquitedifferently.Nowyour
mother'slifehasbeenerIsupposeyouknow
VIVIE.Don'tsupposeanything,MrPraed.Ihardlyknowmymother.SinceIwasachildIhavelivedinEngland,
atschooloratcollege,orwithpeoplepaidtotakechargeofme.Ihavebeenboardedoutallmylife.Mymother
haslivedinBrusselsorViennaandneverletmegotoher.IonlyseeherwhenshevisitsEnglandforafewdays.I
don'tcomplain:it'sbeenverypleasant;forpeoplehavebeenverygoodtome;andtherehasalwaysbeenplentyof
moneytomakethingssmooth.Butdon'timagineIknowanythingaboutmymother.Iknowfarlessthanyoudo.
PRAED[veryillatease]Inthatcase[Hestops,quiteataloss.Then,withaforcedattemptatgaiety]Butwhat
nonsensewearetalking!Ofcourseyouandyourmotherwillgetoncapitally.[Herises,andlooksabroadatthe
view].Whatacharminglittleplaceyouhavehere!
VIVIE[unmoved]Ratheraviolentchangeofsubject,MrPraed.Whywon'tmymother'slifebearbeingtalked
about?

13
PRAED.Oh,youmustn'tsaythat.Isn'titnaturalthatIshouldhaveacertaindelicacyintalkingtomyoldfriend's
daughteraboutherbehindherback?Youandshewillhaveplentyofopportunityoftalkingaboutitwhenshe
comes.
VIVIE.No:shewon'ttalkaboutiteither.[Rising]However,Idaresayyouhavegoodreasonsfortellingme
nothing.Only,mindthis,MrPraed,IexpecttherewillbeabattleroyalwhenmymotherhearsofmyChancery
Laneproject.
PRAED[ruefully]I'mafraidtherewill.
VIVIE.Well,IshallwinbecauseIwantnothingbutmyfaretoLondontostarttheretomorrowearningmyown
livingbydevillingforHonoria.Besides,Ihavenomysteriestokeepup;anditseemsshehas.Ishallusethat
advantageoverherifnecessary.
PRAED[greatlyshocked]Ohno!No,pray.Youdnotdosuchathing.
VIVIE.Thentellmewhynot.
PRAED.Ireallycannot.Iappealtoyourgoodfeeling.[Shesmilesathissentimentality].Besides,youmaybetoo
bold.Yourmotherisnottobetrifledwithwhenshe'sangry.
VIVIE.Youcan'tfrightenme,MrPraed.InthatmonthatChanceryLaneIhadopportunitiesoftakingthe
measureofoneortwowomenverylikemymother.Youmaybackmetowin.ButifIhitharderinmy
ignorancethanIneed,rememberitisyouwhorefusetoenlightenme.Now,letusdropthesubject.[Shetakesher
chairandreplacesitnearthehammockwiththesamevigorousswingasbefore].
PRAED[takingadesperateresolution]Oneword,MissWarren.Ihadbettertellyou.It'sverydifficult;but
[MrsWarrenandSirGeorgeCroftsarriveatthegate.MrsWarrenisbetween40and50,formerlypretty,showily
dressedinabrillianthatandagayblousefittingtightlyoverherbustandflankedbyfashionablesleeves.Rather
spoiltanddomineering,anddecidedlyvulgar,but,onthewhole,agenialandfairlypresentableoldblackguardof
awoman.]
[Croftsisatallpowerfullybuiltmanofabout50,fashionablydressedinthestyleofayoungman.Nasalvoice,
reedierthanmightbeexpectedfromhisstrongframe.Cleanshavenbulldogjaws,largeflatears,andthickneck:
gentlemanlycombinationofthemostbrutaltypesofcityman,sportingman,andmanabouttown.]
VIVIE.Heretheyare.[Comingtothemastheyenterthegarden]Howdo,mater?MrPraed'sbeenherethishalf
hour,waitingforyou.
MRSWARREN.Well,ifyou'vebeenwaiting,Praddy,it'syourownfault:Ithoughtyoudhavehadthegumption
toknowIwascomingbythe3.10train.Vivie:putyourhaton,dear:youllgetsunburnt.Oh,Iforgottointroduce
you.SirGeorgeCrofts:mylittleVivie.
[CroftsadvancestoViviewithhismostcourtlymanner.Shenods,butmakesnomotiontoshakehands.]
CROFTS.MayIshakehandswithayoungladywhomIhaveknownbyreputationverylongasthedaughterof
oneofmyoldestfriends?
VIVIE[whohasbeenlookinghimupanddownsharply]Ifyoulike.
[Shetakeshistenderlyproferredhandandgivesitasqueezethatmakeshimopenhiseyes;thenturnsaway,and
saystohermother]Willyoucomein,orshallIgetacouplemorechairs?[Shegoesintotheporchforthechairs].
MRSWARREN.Well,George,whatdoyouthinkofher?
CROFTS[ruefully]Shehasapowerfulfist.Didyoushakehandswithher,Praed?
PRAED.Yes:itwillpassoffpresently.
CROFTS.Ihopeso.[Viviereappearswithtwomorechairs.Hehurriestoherassistance].Allowme.
MRSWARREN[patronizingly]LetSirGeorgehelpyouwiththechairs,dear.
VIVIE[pitchingthemintohisarms]Hereyouare.[ShedustsherhandsandturnstoMrsWarren].Youdlike
sometea,wouldn'tyou?
MRSWARREN[sittinginPraed'schairandfanningherself]I'mdyingforadroptodrink.
VIVIE.I'llseeaboutit.[Shegoesintothecottage].

14
[SirGeorgehasbythistimemanagedtounfoldachairandplantitbyMrsWarren,onherleft.Hethrowsthe
otheronthegrassandsitsdown,lookingdejectedandratherfoolish,withthehandleofhisstickinhismouth.
Praed,stillveryuneasy,fidgetsaroundthegardenontheirright.]
MRSWARREN[toPraed,lookingatCrofts]Justlookathim,Praddy:helookscheerful,don'the?He'sbeen
worryingmylifeoutthesethreeyearstohavethatlittlegirlofmineshewntohim;andnowthatIvedoneit,he's
quiteoutofcountenance.[Briskly]Come!situp,George;andtakeyourstickoutofyourmouth.[Croftssulkily
obeys].
PRAED.Ithink,youknowifyoudon'tmindmysayingsothatwehadbettergetoutofthehabitofthinkingof
herasalittlegirl.Youseeshehasreallydistinguishedherself;andI'mnotsure,fromwhatIhaveseenofher,that
sheisnotolderthananyofus.
MRSWARREN[greatlyamused]Onlylistentohim,George!Olderthananyofus!Wellshe_has_beenstuffing
younicelywithherimportance.
PRAED.Butyoungpeopleareparticularlysensitiveaboutbeingtreatedinthatway.
MRSWARREN.Yes;andyoungpeoplehavetogetallthatnonsensetakenoutofthem,andgooddealmore
besides.Don'tyouinterfere,Praddy:Iknowhowtotreatmyownchildaswellasyoudo.[Praed,withagrave
shakeofhishead,walksupthegardenwithhishandsbehindhisback.MrsWarrenpretendstolaugh,butlooks
afterhimwithperceptibleconcern.Then,shewhisperstoCrofts]Whatsthematterwithhim?Whatdoeshetakeit
likethatfor?
CROFTS[morosely]YoureafraidofPraed.
MRSWARREN.What!Me!AfraidofdearoldPraddy!Why,aflywouldn'tbeafraidofhim.
CROFTS._You're_afraidofhim.
MRSWARREN[angry]I'lltroubleyoutomindyourownbusiness,andnottryanyofyoursulksonme.I'mnot
afraidofyou,anyhow.Ifyoucan'tmakeyourselfagreeable,youdbettergohome.[Shegetsup,and,turningher
backonhim,findsherselffacetofacewithPraed].Come,Praddy,Iknowitwasonlyyourtenderheartedness.
YoureafraidI'llbullyher.
PRAED.MydearKitty:youthinkI'moffended.Don'timaginethat:praydon't.ButyouknowIoftennotice
thingsthatescapeyou;andthoughyounevertakemyadvice,yousometimesadmitafterwardsthatyououghtto
havetakenit.
MRSWARREN.Well,whatdoyounoticenow?
PRAED.OnlythatVivieisagrownwoman.Pray,Kitty,treatherwitheveryrespect.
MRSWARREN[withgenuineamazement]Respect!Treatmyowndaughterwithrespect!Whatnext,pray!
VIVIE[appearingatthecottagedoorandcallingtoMrsWarren]Mother:willyoucometomyroombeforetea?
MRSWARREN.Yes,dearie.[ShelaughsindulgentlyatPraed'sgravity,andpatshimonthecheekasshepasses
himonherwaytotheporch].Don'tbecross,Praddy.[ShefollowsVivieintothecottage].
CROFTS[furtively]Isay,Praed.
PRAED.Yes.
CROFTS.Iwanttoaskyouaratherparticularquestion.
PRAED.Certainly.[HetakesMrsWarren'schairandsitsclosetoCrofts].
CROFTS.Thatsright:theymighthearusfromthewindow.Lookhere:didKittyeverytellyouwhothatgirl's
fatheris?
PRAED.Never.
CROFTS.Haveyouanysuspicionofwhoitmightbe?
PRAED.None.
CROFTS[notbelievinghim]Iknow,ofcourse,thatyouperhapsmightfeelboundnottotellifshehadsaid
anythingtoyou.Butit'sveryawkwardtobeuncertainaboutitnowthatweshallbemeetingthegirleveryday.
Wedon'texactlyknowhowweoughttofeeltowardsher.
PRAED.Whatdifferencecanthatmake?Wetakeheronherownmerits.Whatdoesitmatterwhoherfatherwas?

15
CROFTS[suspiciously]Thenyouknowwhohewas?
PRAED[withatouchoftemper]Isaidnojustnow.Didyounothearme?
CROFTS.Lookhere,Praed.Iaskyouasaparticularfavor.Ifyou_do_know[movementofprotestfromPraed]
Ionlysay,ifyouknow,youmightatleastsetmymindatrestabouther.Thefactis,Ifellattracted.
PRAED[sternly]Whatdoyoumean?
CROFTS.Oh,don'tbealarmed:it'squiteaninnocentfeeling.Thatswhatpuzzlesmeaboutit.Why,forallI
know,_I_mightbeherfather.
PRAED.You!Impossible!
CROFTS[catchinghimupcunningly]YouknowforcertainthatI'mnot?
PRAED.Iknownothingaboutit,Itellyou,anymorethanyou.Butreally,Croftsohno,it'soutofthequestion.
Theresnottheleastresemblance.
CROFTS.Astothat,theresnoresemblancebetweenherandhermotherthatIcansee.Isupposeshe'snotyour
daughter,isshe?
PRAED[risingindignantly]Really,Crofts!
CROFTS.Nooffence,Praed.Quiteallowableasbetweentwomenoftheworld.
PRAED[recoveringhimselfwithaneffortandspeakinggentlyandgravely]Nowlistentome,mydearCrofts.
[Hesitsdownagain].
IhavenothingtodowiththatsideofMrsWarren'slife,andneverhad.Shehasneverspokentomeaboutit;and
ofcourseIhaveneverspokentoheraboutit.Yourdelicacywilltellyouthatahandsomewomanneedssome
friendswhoarenotwell,notonthatfootingwithher.Theeffectofherownbeautywouldbecomeatormentto
herifshecouldnotescapefromitoccasionally.YouareprobablyonmuchmoreconfidentialtermswithKitty
thanIam.Surelyyoucanaskherthequestionyourself.
CROFTS.Ihaveaskedher,oftenenough.Butshe'ssodeterminedtokeepthechildalltoherselfthatshewould
denythatiteverhadafatherifshecould.[Rising]I'mthoroughlyuncomfortableaboutit,Praed.
PRAED[risingalso]Well,asyouare,atallevents,oldenoughtobeherfather,Idon'tmindagreeingthatweboth
regardMissVivieinaparentalway,asayounggirlwhoweareboundtoprotectandhelp.Whatdoyousay?
CROFTS[aggressively]I'mnoolderthanyou,ifyoucometothat.
PRAED.Yesyouare,mydearfellow:youwerebornold.Iwasbornaboy:Iveneverbeenabletofeelthe
assuranceofagrownupmaninmylife.[Hefoldshischairandcarriesittotheporch].
MRSWARREN[callingfromwithinthecottage]Praddee!George!Teaeaeaea!
CROFTS[hastily]She'scallingus.[Hehurriesin].
[Praedshakeshisheadbodingly,andisfollowingCroftswhenheishailedbyayounggentlemanwhohasjust
appearedonthecommon,andismakingforthegate.Heispleasant,pretty,smartlydressed,cleverlygoodfor
nothing,notlongturned20,withacharmingvoiceandagreeablydisrespectfulmanners.Hecarriesalight
sportingmagazinerifle.]
THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN.Hallo!Praed!
PRAED.Why,FrankGardner![Frankcomesinandshakeshandscordially].Whatonearthareyoudoinghere?
FRANK.Stayingwithmyfather.
PRAED.TheRomanfather?
FRANK.He'srectorhere.I'mlivingwithmypeoplethisautumnforthesakeofeconomy.Thingscametoacrisis
inJuly:theRomanfatherhadtopaymydebts.He'sstonybrokeinconsequence;andsoamI.Whatareyouupto
intheseparts?doyouknowthepeoplehere?
PRAED.Yes:I'mspendingthedaywithaMissWarren.
FRANK[enthusiastically]What!DoyouknowVivie?Isn'tsheajollygirl?I'mteachinghertoshootwiththis
[puttingdowntherifle].I'msogladsheknowsyou:yourejustthesortoffellowsheoughttoknow.[Hesmiles,
andraisesthecharmingvoicealmosttoasingingtoneasheexclaims]It'seversojollytofindyouhere,Praed.
PRAED.I'manoldfriendofhermother.MrsWarrenbroughtmeovertomakeherdaughter'sacquaintance.

16
FRANK.Themother!Is_she_here?
PRAED.Yes:inside,attea.
MRSWARREN[callingfromwithin]Praddeeeeeeeee!Theteacake'llbecold.
PRAED[calling]Yes,MrsWarren.Inamoment.I'vejustmetafriendhere.
MRSWARREN.Awhat?
PRAED[louder]Afriend.
MRSWARREN.Bringhimin.
PRAED.Allright.[ToFrank]Willyouaccepttheinvitation?
FRANK[incredulous,butimmenselyamused]IsthatVivie'smother?
PRAED.Yes.
FRANK.ByJove!Whatalark!Doyouthinkshe'lllikeme?
PRAED.I'venodoubtyoullmakeyourselfpopular,asusual.Comeinandtry[movingtowardsthehouse].
FRANK.Stopabit.[Seriously]Iwanttotakeyouintomyconfidence.
PRAED.Praydon't.It'sonlysomefreshfolly,likethebarmaidatRedhill.
FRANK.It'seversomuchmoreseriousthanthat.Yousayyou'veonlyjustmetVivieforthefirsttime?
PRAED.Yes.
FRANK[rhapsodically]Thenyoucanhavenoideawhatagirlsheis.Suchcharacter!Suchsense!Andher
cleverness!Oh,myeye,Praed,butIcantellyousheisclever!AndneedIadd?shelovesme.
CROFTS[puttinghisheadoutofthewindow]Isay,Praed:whatareyouabout?Docomealong.[Hedisappears].
FRANK.Hallo!Sortofchapthatwouldtakeaprizeatadogshow,ain'the?Who'she?
PRAED.SirGeorgeCrofts,anoldfriendofMrsWarren's.Ithinkwehadbettercomein.
[Ontheirwaytotheporchtheyareinterruptedbyacallfromthegate.Turning,theyseeanelderlyclergyman
lookingoverit.]
THECLERGYMAN[calling]Frank!
FRANK.Hallo![ToPraed]TheRomanfather.[Totheclergyman]Yes,gov'nor:allright:presently.[ToPraed]
Lookhere,Praed:youdbettergointotea.I'lljoinyoudirectly.
PRAED.Verygood.[Hegoesintothecottage].
[Theclergymanremainsoutsidethegate,withhishandsonthetopofit.TheRev.SamuelGardner,abeneficed
clergymanoftheEstablishedChurch,isover50.Externallyheispretentious,booming,noisy,important.Really
heisthatobsolescentphenomenonthefoolofthefamilydumpedontheChurchbyhisfatherthepatron,
clamorouslyassertinghimselfasfatherandclergymanwithoutbeingabletocommandrespectineithercapacity.]
REV.S.Well,sir.Whoareyourfriendshere,ifImayask?
FRANK.Oh,it'sallright,gov'nor!Comein.
REV.S.No,sir;notuntilIknowwhosegardenIamentering.
FRANK.It'sallright.It'sMissWarren's.
REV.S.Ihavenotseenheratchurchsinceshecame.
FRANK.Ofcoursenot:she'sathirdwrangler.Eversointellectual.Tookahigherdegreethanyoudid;sowhy
shouldshegotohearyoupreach?
REV.S.Don'tbedisrespectful,sir.
FRANK.Oh,itdon'tmatter:nobodyhearsus.Comein.[Heopensthegate,unceremoniouslypullinghisfather
withitintothegarden].Iwanttointroduceyoutoher.DoyouremembertheadviceyougavemelastJuly,
gov'nor?
REV.S.[severely]Yes.Iadvisedyoutoconqueryouridlenessandflippancy,andtoworkyourwayintoan
honorableprofessionandliveonitandnotuponme.

17
FRANK.No:thatswhatyouthoughtofafterwards.WhatyouactuallysaidwasthatsinceIhadneitherbrainsnor
money,I'dbetterturnmygoodlookstoaccountbymarryingsomeonewithboth.Well,lookhere.MissWarren
hasbrains:youcan'tdenythat.
REV.S.Brainsarenoteverything.
FRANK.No,ofcoursenot:theresthemoney
REV.S.[interruptinghimausterely]Iwasnotthinkingofmoney,sir.Iwasspeakingofhigherthings.Social
position,forinstance.
FRANK.Idon'tcarearapaboutthat.
REV.S.ButIdo,sir.
FRANK.Well,nobodywantsyoutomarryher.Anyhow,shehaswhatamountstoahighCambridgedegree;and
sheseemstohaveasmuchmoneyasshewants.
REV.S.[sinkingintoafeebleveinofhumor]Igreatlydoubtwhethershehasasmuchmoneyasyouwillwant.
FRANK.Oh,come:Ihavn'tbeensoveryextravagant.Iliveeversoquietly;Idon'tdrink;Idon'tbetmuch;andI
nevergoregularlytotherazzledazzleasyoudidwhenyouweremyage.
REV.S.[boominghollowly]Silence,sir.
FRANK.Well,youtoldmeyourself,whenIwasmakingeverysuchanassofmyselfaboutthebarmaidat
Redhill,thatyouonceofferedawomanfiftypoundsforthelettersyouwrotetoherwhen
REV.S.[terrified]Shshsh,Frank,forHeaven'ssake![HelooksroundapprehensivelySeeingnoonewithin
earshotheplucksupcouragetoboomagain,butmoresubduedly].Youaretakinganungentlemanlyadvantageof
whatIconfidedtoyouforyourowngood,tosaveyoufromanerroryouwouldhaverepentedallyourlifelong.
Takewarningbyyourfather'sfollies,sir;anddon'tmakethemanexcuseforyourown.
FRANK.DidyoueverhearthestoryoftheDukeofWellingtonandhisletters?
REV.S.No,sir;andIdon'twanttohearit.
FRANK.TheoldIronDukedidn'tthrowawayfiftypounds:nothe.Hejustwrote:"DearJenny:publishandbe
damned!Yoursaffectionately,Wellington."Thatswhatyoushouldhavedone.
REV.S.[piteously]Frank,myboy:whenIwrotethoselettersIputmyselfintothatwoman'spower.WhenItold
youaboutthemIputmyself,tosomeextent,Iamsorrytosay,inyourpower.Sherefusedmymoneywiththese
words,whichIshallneverforget."Knowledgeispower"shesaid;"andIneversellpower."
Thatsmorethantwentyyearsago;andshehasnevermadeuseofherpowerorcausedmeamoment'suneasiness.
Youarebehavingworsetomethanshedid,Frank.
FRANK.OhyesIdaresay!Didyoueverpreachatherthewayyoupreachatmeeveryday?
REV.S.[woundedalmosttotears]Ileaveyou,sir.Youareincorrigible.[Heturnstowardsthegate].
FRANK[utterlyunmoved]TellthemIshan'tbehometotea,willyou,gov'nor,likeagoodfellow?[Hemoves
towardsthecottagedoorandismetbyPraedandViviecomingout].
VIVIE[toFrank]Isthatyourfather,Frank?Idosowanttomeethim.
FRANK.Certainly.[Callingafterhisfather]Gov'nor.Yourewanted.[Theparsonturnsatthegate,fumbling
nervouslyathishat.Praedcrossesthegardentotheoppositeside,beaminginanticipationofcivilities].My
father:MissWarren.
VIVIE[goingtotheclergymanandshakinghishand]Verygladtoseeyouhere,MrGardner.[Callingtothe
cottage]Mother:comealong:yourewanted.
[MrsWarrenappearsonthethreshold,andisimmediatelytransfixed,recognizingtheclergyman.]
VIVIE[continuing]Letmeintroduce
MRSWARREN[swoopingontheReverendSamuel]Whyit'sSamGardner,goneintotheChurch!Well,Inever!
Don'tyouknowus,Sam?ThisisGeorgeCrofts,aslargeaslifeandtwiceasnatural.Don'tyourememberme?
REV.S.[veryred]Ireallyer
MRSWARREN.Ofcourseyoudo.Why,Ihaveawholealbumofyourlettersstill:Icameacrossthemonlythe
otherday.

18
REV.S.[miserablyconfused]MissVavasour,Ibelieve.
MRSWARREN[correctinghimquicklyinaloudwhisper]Tch!Nonsense!MrsWarren:don'tyouseemy
daughterthere?

ACTII
[Insidethecottageafternightfall.Lookingeastwardfromwithininsteadofwestwardfromwithout,thelatticed
window,withitscurtainsdrawn,isnowseeninthemiddleofthefrontwallofthecottage,withtheporchdoorto
theleftofit.Inthelefthandsidewallisthedoorleadingtothekitchen.Fartherbackagainstthesamewallisa
dresserwithacandleandmatchesonit,andFrank'sriflestandingbesidethem,withthebarrelrestingintheplate
rack.Inthecentreatablestandswithalightedlamponit.Vivie'sbooksandwritingmaterialsareonatabletothe
rightofthewindow,againstthewall.Thefireplaceisontheright,withasettle:thereisnofire.Twoofthechairs
aresetrightandleftofthetable.]
[Thecottagedooropens,shewingafinestarlitnightwithout;andMrsWarren,hershoulderswrappedinashawl
borrowedfromVivie,enters,followedbyFrank,whothrowshiscaponthewindowseat.Shehashadenoughof
walking,andgivesagaspofreliefassheunpinsherhat;takesitoff;sticksthepinthroughthecrown;andputsit
onthetable.]
MRSWARREN.OLord!Idon'tknowwhichistheworstofthecountry,thewalkingorthesittingathomewith
nothingtodo.Icoulddowithawhiskyandsodanowverywell,ifonlytheyhadsuchathingsinthisplace.
FRANK.PerhapsVivie'sgotsome.
MRSWARREN.Nonsense!Whatwouldayounggirllikeherbedoingwithsuchthings!Nevermind:itdon't
matter.Iwonderhowshepasseshertimehere!I'dagooddealratherbeinVienna.
FRANK.Letmetakeyouthere.[Hehelpshertotakeoffhershawl,gallantlygivinghershouldersavery
perceptiblesqueezeashedoesso].
MRSWARREN.Ah!wouldyou?I'mbeginningtothinkyoureachipoftheoldblock.
FRANK.Likethegov'nor,eh?[Hehangstheshawlonthenearestchair,andsitsdown].
MRSWARREN.Neveryoumind.Whatdoyouknowaboutsuchthings?
Youreonlyaboy.[Shegoestothehearthtobefartherfromtemptation].
FRANK.DocometoViennawithme?It'dbeeversuchlarks.
MRSWARREN.No,thankyou.Viennaisnoplaceforyouatleastnotuntilyourealittleolder.[Shenodsat
himtoemphasizethispieceofadvice.Hemakesamockpiteousface,beliedbyhislaughingeyes.Shelooksat
him;thencomesbacktohim].Now,lookhere,littleboy[takinghisfaceinherhandsandturningituptoher]:I
knowyouthroughandthroughbyyourlikenesstoyourfather,betterthanyouknowyourself.Don'tyougotaking
anysillyideasintoyourheadaboutme.Doyouhear?
FRANK[gallantlywooingherwithhisvoice]Can'thelpit,mydearMrsWarren:itrunsinthefamily.
[Shepretendstoboxhisears;thenlooksattheprettylaughingupturnedfaceofamoment,tempted.Atlastshe
kisseshim,andimmediatelyturnsaway,outofpatiencewithherself.]
MRSWARREN.There!Ishouldn'thavedonethat.I_am_wicked.Neveryoumind,mydear:it'sonlyamotherly
kiss.GoandmakelovetoVivie.
FRANK.SoIhave.
MRSWARREN[turningonhimwithasharpnoteofalarminhervoice]What!
FRANK.VivieandIareeversuchchums.
MRSWARREN.Whatdoyoumean?Nowseehere:Iwon'thaveanyyoungscamptamperingwithmylittlegirl.
Doyouhear?Iwon'thaveit.
FRANK[quiteunabashed]MydearMrsWarren:don'tyoubealarmed.Myintentionsarehonorable:everso
honorable;andyourlittlegirlisjollywellabletotakecareofherself.Shedon'tneedlookingafterhalfsomuchas
hermother.Sheain'tsohandsome,youknow.
MRSWARREN[takenabackbyhisassurance]Well,youhavegotanicehealthytwoinchesofcheekallover
you.Idon'tknowwhereyougotit.Notfromyourfather,anyhow.

19
CROFTS[inthegarden]Thegipsies,Isuppose?
REV.S.[replying]Thebroomsquiresarefarworse.
MRSWARREN[toFrank]Ssh!Remember!you'vehadyourwarning.
[CroftsandtheReverendSamuelGardnercomeinfromthegarden,theclergymancontinuinghisconversationas
heenters.]
REV.S.TheperjuryattheWinchesterassizesisdeplorable.
MRSWARREN.Well?whatbecameofyoutwo?AndwheresPraddyandVivie?
CROFTS[puttinghishatonthesettleandhisstickinthechimneycorner]Theywentupthehill.Wewenttothe
village.Iwantedadrink.[Hesitsdownonthesettle,puttinghislegsupalongtheseat].
MRSWARREN.Well,sheoughtn'ttogoofflikethatwithouttellingme.[ToFrank]Getyourfatherachair,
Frank:whereareyourmanners?[Frankspringsupandgracefullyoffershisfatherhischair;thentakesanother
fromthewallandsitsdownatthetable,inthemiddle,withhisfatheronhisrightandMrsWarrenonhisleft].
George:whereareyougoingtostaytonight?Youcan'tstayhere.AndwhatsPraddygoingtodo?
CROFTS.Gardner'llputmeup.
MRSWARREN.Oh,nodoubtyou'vetakencareofyourself!ButwhataboutPraddy?
CROFTS.Don'tknow.Isupposehecansleepattheinn.
MRSWARREN.Havn'tyouroomforhim,Sam?
REV.S.Welleryousee,asrectorhere,IamnotfreetodoasIlike.ErwhatisMrPraed'ssocialposition?
MRSWARREN.Oh,he'sallright:he'sanarchitect.Whatanoldstickinthemudyouare,Sam!
FRANK.Yes,it'sallright,gov'nor.HebuiltthatplacedowninWalesfortheDuke.CaernarvonCastletheycall
it.Youmusthaveheardofit.[HewinkswithlightningsmartnessatMrsWarren,andregardshisfatherblandly].
REV.S.Oh,inthatcase,ofcourseweshallonlybetoohappy.IsupposeheknowstheDukepersonally.
FRANK.Oh,eversointimately!WecanstickhiminGeorgina'soldroom.
MRSWARREN.Well,thatssettled.Nowifthosetwowouldonlycomeinandletushavesupper.Theyveno
righttostayoutafterdarklikethis.
CROFTS[aggressively]Whatharmaretheydoingyou?
MRSWARREN.Well,harmornot,Idon'tlikeit.
FRANK.Betternotwaitforthem,MrsWarren.Praedwillstayoutaslongaspossible.Hehasneverknown
beforewhatitistostrayovertheheathonasummernightwithmyVivie.
CROFTS[sittingupinsomeconsternation]Isay,youknow!Come!
REV.S.[rising,startledoutofhisprofessionalmannerintorealforceandsincerity]Frank,onceandforall,it's
outofthequestion.MrsWarrenwilltellyouthatit'snottobethoughtof.
CROFTS.Ofcoursenot.
FRANK[withenchantingplacidity]Isthatso,MrsWarren?
MRSWARREN[reflectively]Well,Sam,Idon'tknow.Ifthegirlwantstogetmarried,nogoodcancomeof
keepingherunmarried.
REV.S.[astounded]Butmarriedto_him!_yourdaughtertomyson!Onlythink:it'simpossible.
CROFTS.Ofcourseit'simpossible.Don'tbeafool,Kitty.
MRSWARREN[nettled]Whynot?Isn'tmydaughtergoodenoughforyourson?
REV.S.Butsurely,mydearMrsWarren,youknowthereasons
MRSWARREN[defiantly]Iknownoreasons.Ifyouknowany,youcantellthemtothelad,ortothegirl,orto
yourcongregation,ifyoulike.
REV.S.[collapsinghelplesslyintohischair]YouknowverywellthatIcouldn'ttellanyonethereasons.Butmy
boywillbelievemewhenItellhimtherearereasons.

20
FRANK.Quiteright,Dad:hewill.Buthasyourboy'sconducteverbeeninfluencedbyyourreasons?
CROFTS.Youcan'tmarryher;andthatsallaboutit.[Hegetsupandstandsonthehearth,withhisbacktothe
fireplace,frowningdeterminedly].
MRSWARREN[turningonhimsharply]Whathaveyougottodowithit,pray?
FRANK[withhisprettiestlyricalcadence]PreciselywhatIwasgoingtoask,myself,inmyowngracefulfashion.
CROFTS[toMrsWarren]Isupposeyoudon'twanttomarrythegirltoamanyoungerthanherselfandwithout
eitheraprofessionortwopencetokeepheron.AskSam,ifyoudon'tbelieveme.[Totheparson]Howmuch
moremoneyareyougoingtogivehim?
REV.S.Notanotherpenny.Hehashadhispatrimony;andhespentthelastofitinJuly.[MrsWarren'sface
falls].
CROFTS[watchingher]There!Itoldyou.[Heresumeshisplaceonthesettleandputshislegsontheseatagain,
asifthematterwerefinallydisposedof].
FRANK[plaintively]Thisiseversomercenary.DoyousupposeMissWarren'sgoingtomarryformoney?Ifwe
loveoneanother
MRSWARREN.Thankyou.Yourlove'saprettycheapcommodity,mylad.Ifyouhavenomeansofkeepinga
wife,thatsettlesit;youcan'thaveVivie.
FRANK[muchamused]Whatdoyousay,gov'nor,eh?
REV.S.IagreewithMrsWarren.
FRANK.AndgoodoldCroftshasalreadyexpressedhisopinion.
CROFTS[turningangrilyonhiselbow]Lookhere:Iwantnoneofyourcheek.
FRANK[pointedly]I'meversosorrytosurpriseyou,Crofts;butyouallowedyourselfthelibertyofspeakingto
melikeafatheramomentago.Onefatherisenough,thankyou.
CROFTS[contemptuously]Yah![Heturnsawayagain].
FRANK[rising]MrsWarren:IcannotgivemyVivieup,evenforyoursake.
MRSWARREN[muttering]Youngscamp!
FRANK[continuing]Andasyounodoubtintendtoholdoutotherprospectstoher,Ishalllosenotimeinplacing
mycasebeforeher.[Theystareathim;andhebeginstodeclaimgracefully]Heeitherfearshisfatetoomuch,Or
hisdesertsaresmall,Thatdaresnotputittothetouch,Togainorloseitall.
[Thecottagedoorsopenwhilstheisreciting;andVivieandPraedcomein.Hebreaksoff.Praedputshishaton
thedresser.Thereisanimmediateimprovementinthecompany'sbehavior.Croftstakesdownhislegsfromthe
settleandpullshimselftogetherasPraedjoinshimatthefireplace.MrsWarrenloseshereaseofmannerand
takesrefugeinquerulousness.]
MRSWARREN.Whereverhaveyoubeen,Vivie?
VIVIE[takingoffherhatandthrowingitcarelesslyonthetable]Onthehill.
MRSWARREN.Well,youshouldn'tgoofflikethatwithoutlettingmeknow.HowcouldItellwhathadbecome
ofyou?Andnightcomingontoo!
VIVIE[goingtothedoorofthekitchenandopeningit,ignoringhermother]Now,aboutsupper?[Allriseexcept
MrsWarren]Weshallberathercrowdedinhere,I'mafraid.
MRSWARREN.DidyouhearwhatIsaid,Vivie?
VIVIE[quietly]Yes,mother.[Revertingtothesupperdifficulty]Howmanyarewe?[Counting]One,two,three,
four,five,six.Well,twowillhavetowaituntiltherestaredone:MrsAlisonhasonlyplatesandknivesforfour.
PRAED.Oh,itdoesn'tmatteraboutme.I
VIVIE.Youhavehadalongwalkandarehungry,MrPraed:youshallhaveyoursupperatonce.Icanwait
myself.Iwantonepersontowaitwithme.Frank:areyouhungry?
FRANK.Nottheleastintheworld.Completelyoffmypeck,infact.
MRSWARREN[toCrofts]Neitherareyou,George.Youcanwait.

21
CROFTS.Oh,hangit,I'veeatennothingsinceteatime.Can'tSamdoit?
FRANK.Wouldyoustarvemypoorfather?
REV.S.[testily]Allowmetospeakformyself,sir.Iamperfectlywillingtowait.
VIVIE[decisively]There'snoneed.Onlytwoarewanted.[Sheopensthedoorofthekitchen].Willyoutakemy
motherin,MrGardner.[TheparsontakesMrsWarren;andtheypassintothekitchen.PraedandCroftsfollow.
AllexceptPraedclearlydisapproveofthearrangement,butdonotknowhowtoresistit.Viviestandsatthedoor
lookinginatthem].Canyousqueezepasttothatcorner,MrPraed:it'sratheratightfit.Takecareofyourcoat
againstthewhitewash:thatright.Now,areyouallcomfortable?
PRAED[within]Quite,thankyou.
MRSWARREN[within]Leavethedooropen,dearie.[Viviefrowns;butFrankchecksherwithagesture,and
stealstothecottagedoor,whichhesoftlysetswideopen].OhLor,whatadraught!Youdbettershutit,dear.
[Vivieshutsitwithaslam,andthen,notingwithdisgustthathermother'shatandshawlarelyingabout,takes
themtidilytothewindowseat,whilstFranknoiselesslyshutsthecottagedoor.]
FRANK[exulting]Aha!Gotridofem.Well,Vivvums:whatdoyouthinkofmygovernor?
VIVIE[preoccupiedandserious]I'vehardlyspokentohim.Hedoesn'tstrikemeasaparticularlyableperson.
FRANK.Well,youknow,theoldmanisnotaltogethersuchafoolashelooks.Yousee,hewasshovedintothe
Church,rather;andintryingtoliveuptoithemakesamuchbiggerassofhimselfthanhereallyis.Idon'tdislike
himasmuchasyoumightexpect.Hemeanswell.Howdoyouthinkyoullgetonwithhim?
VIVIE[rathergrimly]Idon'tthinkmyfuturelifewillbemuchconcernedwithhim,orwithanyofthatoldcircle
ofmymother's,exceptperhapsPraed.[Shesitsdownonthesettle]Whatdoyouthinkofmymother?
FRANK.Reallyandtruly?
VIVIE.Yes,reallyandtruly.
FRANK.Well,she'seversojolly.Butshe'sratheracaution,isn'tshe?AndCrofts!Oh,myeye,Crofts![Hesits
besideher].
VIVIE.Whatalot,Frank!
FRANK.Whatacrew!
VIVIE[withintensecontemptforthem]IfIthoughtthat_I_waslikethatthatIwasgoingtobeawaster,
shiftingalongfromonemealtoanotherwithnopurpose,andnocharacter,andnogritinme,I'dopenanartery
andbleedtodeathwithoutonemoment'shesitation.
FRANK.Ohno,youwouldn't.Whyshouldtheytakeanygrindwhentheycanaffordnotto?IwishIhadtheir
luck.No:whatIobjecttoistheirform.Itisn'tthething:it'sslovenly,eversoslovenly.
VIVIE.DoyouthinkyourformwillbeanybetterwhenyoureasoldasCrofts,ifyoudon'twork?
FRANK.OfcourseIdo.Eversomuchbetter.Vivvumsmustn'tlecture:herlittleboy'sincorrigible.[Heattempts
totakeherfacecaressinglyinhishands].
VIVIE[strikinghishandsdownsharply]Offwithyou:Vivvumsisnotinahumorforpettingherlittleboythis
evening.[Sherisesandcomesforwardtotheothersideoftheroom].
FRANK[followingher]Howunkind!
VIVIE[stampingathim]Beserious.I'mserious.
FRANK.Good.Letustalklearnedly,MissWarren:doyouknowthatallthemostadvancedthinkersareagreed
thathalfthediseasesofmoderncivilizationareduetostarvationoftheaffectionsoftheyoung.Now,_I_
VIVIE[cuttinghimshort]Youareverytiresome.[Sheopenstheinnerdoor]HaveyouroomforFrankthere?He's
complainingofstarvation.
MRSWARREN[within]Ofcoursethereis[clatterofknivesandglassesasshemovesthethingsonthetable].
Here!theresroomnowbesideme.Comealong,MrFrank.
FRANK.HerlittleboywillbeeversoevenwithhisVivvumsforthis.[Hepassesintothekitchen].

22
MRSWARREN[within]Here,Vivie:comeonyoutoo,child.Youmustbefamished.[Sheenters,followedby
Crofts,whoholdsthedooropenwithmarkeddeference.Shegoesoutwithoutlookingathim;andheshutsthe
doorafterher].WhyGeorge,youcan'tbedone:you'veeatennothing.Isthereanythingwrongwithyou?
CROFTS.Oh,allIwantedwasadrink.[Hethrustshishandsinhispockets,andbeginsprowlingabouttheroom,
restlessandsulky].
MRSWARREN.Well,Ilikeenoughtoeat.Butalittleofthatcoldbeefandcheeseandlettucegoesalongway.
[Withasighofonlyhalfrepletionshesitsdownlazilyonthesettle].
CROFTS.Whatdoyougoencouragingthatyoungpupfor?
MRSWARREN[onthealertatonce]Nowseehere,George:whatareyouuptoaboutthatgirl?I'vebeen
watchingyourwayoflookingather.Remember:Iknowyouandwhatyourlooksmean.
CROFTS.Theresnoharminlookingather,isthere?
MRSWARREN.I'dputyououtandpackyoubacktoLondonprettysoonifIsawanyofyournonsense.My
girl'slittlefingerismoretomethanyourwholebodyandsoul.[Croftsreceivesthiswithasneeringgrin.Mrs
Warren,flushingalittleatherfailuretoimposeonhiminthecharacterofatheatricallydevotedmother,addsina
lowerkey]Makeyourmindeasy:theyoungpuphasnomorechancethanyouhave.
CROFTS.Mayn'tamantakeaninterestinagirl?
MRSWARREN.Notamanlikeyou.
CROFTS.Howoldisshe?
MRSWARREN.Neveryoumindhowoldsheis.
CROFTS.Whydoyoumakesuchasecretofit?
MRSWARREN.BecauseIchoose.
CROFTS.Well,I'mnotfiftyyet;andmypropertyisasgoodasiteverwas
MRS[interruptinghim]Yes;becauseyoureasstingyasyourevicious.
CROFTS[continuing]Andabaronetisn'ttobepickedupeveryday.
Noothermaninmypositionwouldputupwithyouforamotherinlaw.Whyshouldn'tshemarryme?
MRSWARREN.You!
CROFTS.Wethreecouldlivetogetherquitecomfortably.I'ddiebeforeherandleaveherabouncingwidowwith
plentyofmoney.Whynot?It'sbeengrowinginmymindallthetimeI'vebeenwalkingwiththatfoolinsidethere.
MRSWARREN[revolted]Yes;it'sthesortofthingthat_would_growinyourmind.
[Hehaltsinhisprowling;andthetwolookatoneanother,shesteadfastly,withasortofawebehindher
contemptuousdisgust:hestealthily,withacarnalgleaminhiseyeandaloosegrin.]
CROFTS[suddenlybecominganxiousandurgentasheseesnosignofsympathyinher]Lookhere,Kitty:yourea
sensiblewoman:youneedn'tputonanymoralairs.I'llasknomorequestions;andyouneedanswernone.I'll
settlethewholepropertyonher;andifyouwantachecqueforyourselfontheweddingday,youcannameany
figureyoulikeinreason.
MRSWARREN.Soit'scometothatwithyou,George,likealltheotherwornoutoldcreatures!
CROFTS[savagely]Damnyou!
[Beforeshecanretortthedoorofthekitchenisopened;andthevoicesoftheothersareheardreturning.Crofts,
unabletorecoverhispresenceofmind,hurriesoutofthecottage.Theclergymanappearsatthekitchendoor.]
REV.S.[lookinground]WhereisSirGeorge?
MRSWARREN.Goneouttohaveapipe.[Theclergymantakeshishatfromthetable,andjoinsMrsWarrenat
thefireside.Meanwhile,Viviecomesin,followedbyFrank,whocollapsesintothenearestchairwithanairof
extremeexhaustion.MrsWarrenlooksroundatVivieandsays,withheraffectationofmaternalpatronageeven
moreforcedthanusual]Well,dearie:haveyouhadagoodsupper?
VIVIE.YouknowwhatMrsAlison'ssuppersare.[SheturnstoFrankandpetshim]PoorFrank!wasallthebeef
gone?diditgetnothingbutbreadandcheeseandgingerbeer?[Seriously,asifshehaddonequiteenoughtrifling
foroneevening]Herbutterisreallyawful.Imustgetsomedownfromthestores.

23
FRANK.Do,inHeaven'sname!
[Viviegoestothewritingtableandmakesamemorandumtoorderthebutter.Praedcomesinfromthekitchen,
puttinguphishandkerchief,whichhehasbeenusingasanapkin.]
REV.S.Frank,myboy:itistimeforustobethinkingofhome.
Yourmotherdoesnotknowyetthatwehavevisitors.
PRAED.I'mafraidwe'regivingtrouble.
FRANK[rising]Nottheleastintheworld:mymotherwillbedelightedtoseeyou.She'sagenuinelyintellectual
artisticwoman;andsheseesnobodyherefromoneyear'sendtoanotherexceptthegov'nor;soyoucanimagine
howjollydullitpansoutforher.[Tohisfather]Yourenotintellectualorartistic:areyoupater?SotakePraed
homeatonce;andI'llstayhereandentertainMrsWarren.YoullpickupCroftsinthegarden.He'llbeexcellent
companyforthebullpup.
PRAED[takinghishatfromthedresser,andcomingclosetoFrank]Comewithus,Frank.MrsWarrenhasnot
seenMissVivieforalongtime;andwehavepreventedthemfromhavingamomenttogetheryet.
FRANK[quitesoftened,andlookingatPraedwithromanticadmiration]Ofcourse.Iforgot.Eversothanksfor
remindingme.Perfectgentleman,Praddy.Alwayswere.Myidealthroughlife.[Herisestogo,butpausesa
momentbetweenthetwooldermen,andputshishandonPraed'sshoulder].Ah,ifyouhadonlybeenmyfather
insteadofthisunworthyoldman![Heputshisotherhandonhisfather'sshoulder].
REV.S.[blustering]Silence,sir,silence:youareprofane.
MRSWARREN[laughingheartily]Youshouldkeephiminbetterorder,Sam.Goodnight.Here:takeGeorgehis
hatandstickwithmycompliments.
REV.S.[takingthem]Goodnight.[Theyshakehands.AshepassesVivieheshakeshandswithheralsoandbids
hergoodnight.Then,inboomingcommand,toFrank]Comealong,sir,atonce.[Hegoesout].
MRSWARREN.Byebye,Praddy.
PRAED.Byebye,Kitty.
[Theyshakehandsaffectionatelyandgoouttogether,sheaccompanyinghimtothegardengate.]
FRANK[toVivie]Kissums?
VIVIE[fiercely]No.Ihateyou.[Shetakesacoupleofbooksandsomepaperfromthewritingtable,andsits
downwiththematthemiddletable,attheendnextthefireplace].
FRANK[grimacing]Sorry.[Hegoesforhiscapandrifle.MrsWarrenreturns.Hetakesherhand]Goodnight,
dearMrsWarren.[Hekissesherhand.Shesnatchesitaway,herlipstightening,andlooksmorethanhalf
disposedtoboxhisears.Helaughsmischievouslyandrunsoff,clappingtothedoorbehindhim].
MRSWARREN[resigningherselftoaneveningofboredomnowthatthemenaregone]Didyoueverinyourlife
hearanyonerattleonso?Isn'theatease?[Shesitsatthetable].NowthatIthinkofit,dearie,don'tyougo
encouraginghim.I'msurehe'saregulargoodfornothing.
VIVIE[risingtofetchmorebooks]I'mafraidso.PoorFrank!Ishallhavetogetridofhim;butIshallfeelsorry
forhim,thoughhe'snotworthit.ThatmanCroftsdoesnotseemtometobegoodformucheither:ishe?[She
throwsthebooksonthetableratherroughly].
MRSWARREN[galledbyVivie'sindifference]Whatdoyouknowofmen,child,totalkthatwayofthem?Youll
havetomakeupyourmindtoseeagooddealofSirGeorgeCrofts,ashe'safriendofmine.
VIVIE[quiteunmoved]Why?[Shesitsdownandopensabook].Doyouexpectthatweshallbemuchtogether?
YouandI,Imean?
MRSWARREN[staringather]Ofcourse:untilyouremarried.Yourenotgoingbacktocollegeagain.
VIVIE.Doyouthinkmywayoflifewouldsuityou?Idoubtit.
MRSWARREN.Yourwayoflife!Whatdoyoumean?
VIVIE[cuttingapageofherbookwiththepaperknifeonherchatelaine]Hasitreallyneveroccurredtoyou,
mother,thatIhaveawayoflifelikeotherpeople?
MRSWARREN.Whatnonsenseisthisyouretryingtotalk?Doyouwanttoshewyourindependence,nowthat
youreagreatlittlepersonatschool?Don'tbeafool,child.

24
VIVIE[indulgently]Thatsallyouhavetosayonthesubject,isit,mother?
MRSWARREN[puzzled,thenangry]Don'tyoukeeponaskingmequestionslikethat.[Violently]Holdyour
tongue.[Vivieworkson,losingnotime,andsayingnothing].Youandyourwayoflife,indeed!Whatnext?[She
looksatVivieagain.Noreply].
YourwayoflifewillbewhatIplease,soitwill.[Anotherpause].Ivebeennoticingtheseairsinyoueversince
yougotthattriposorwhateveryoucallit.IfyouthinkI'mgoingtoputupwiththem,youremistaken;andthe
sooneryoufinditout,thebetter.[Muttering]AllIhavetosayonthesubject,indeed![Againraisinghervoice
angrily]Doyouknowwhoyourespeakingto,Miss?
VIVIE[lookingacrossatherwithoutraisingherheadfromherbook]No.Whoareyou?Whatareyou?
MRSWARREN[risingbreathless]Youyoungimp!
VIVIE.Everybodyknowsmyreputation,mysocialstanding,andtheprofessionIintendtopursue.Iknow
nothingaboutyou.WhatisthatwayoflifewhichyouinvitemetosharewithyouandSirGeorgeCrofts,pray?
MRSWARREN.Takecare.IshalldosomethingI'llbesorryforafter,andyoutoo.
VIVIE[puttingasideherbookswithcooldecision]Well,letusdropthesubjectuntilyouarebetterabletofaceit.
[Lookingcriticallyathermother]Youwantsomegoodwalksandalittlelawntennistosetyouup.Youare
shockinglyoutofcondition:youwerenotabletomanagetwentyyardsuphilltodaywithoutstoppingtopant;and
yourwristsaremererollsoffat.Lookatmine.[Sheholdsoutherwrists].
MRSWARREN[afterlookingatherhelplessly,beginstowhimper]Vivie
VIVIE[springingupsharply]Nowpraydon'tbegintocry.Anythingbutthat.Ireallycannotstandwhimpering.I
willgooutoftheroomifyoudo.
MRSWARREN[piteously]Oh,mydarling,howcanyoubesohardonme?HaveInorightsoveryouasyour
mother?
VIVIE.Areyoumymother?
MRSWARREN._Am_Iyourmother?Oh,Vivie!
VIVIE.Thenwhereareourrelatives?myfather?ourfamilyfriends?Youclaimtherightsofamother:therightto
callmefoolandchild;tospeaktomeasnowomaninauthorityovermeatcollegedarespeaktome;todictatemy
wayoflife;andtoforceonmetheacquaintanceofabrutewhomanyonecanseetobethemostvicioussortof
Londonmanabouttown.BeforeIgivemyselfthetroubletoresistsuchclaims,Imayaswellfindoutwhether
theyhaveanyrealexistence.
MRSWARREN[distracted,throwingherselfonherknees]Ohno,no.
Stop,stop.I_am_yourmother:Iswearit.Oh,youcan'tmeantoturnonmemyownchild!it'snotnatural.You
believeme,don'tyou?Sayyoubelieveme.
VIVIE.Whowasmyfather?
MRSWARREN.Youdon'tknowwhatyoureasking.Ican'ttellyou.
VIVIE[determinedly]Ohyesyoucan,ifyoulike.Ihavearighttoknow;andyouknowverywellthatIhavethat
right.Youcanrefusetotellmeifyouplease;butifyoudo,youwillseethelastofmetomorrowmorning.
MRSWARREN.Oh,it'stoohorribletohearyoutalklikethat.Youwouldn'tyou_couldn't_leaveme.
VIVIE[ruthlessly]Yes,withoutamoment'shesitation,ifyoutriflewithmeaboutthis.[Shiveringwithdisgust]
HowcanIfeelsurethatImaynothavethecontaminatedbloodofthatbrutalwasterinmyveins?
MRSWARREN.No,no.Onmyoathit'snothe,noranyoftherestthatyouhaveevermet.I'mcertainofthat,at
least.
[Vivie'seyesfastensternlyonhermotherasthesignificanceofthisflashesonher.]
VIVIE[slowly]Youarecertainofthat,at_least_.Ah!Youmeanthatthatisallyouarecertainof.[Thoughtfully]
Isee.[MrsWarrenburiesherfaceinherhands].Don'tdothat,mother:youknowyoudon'tfeelitabit.[Mrs
WarrentakesdownherhandsandlooksupdeplorablyatVivie,whotakesoutherwatchandsays]Well,thatis
enoughfortonight.Atwhathourwouldyoulikebreakfast?Ishalfpasteighttooearlyforyou?
MRSWARREN[wildly]MyGod,whatsortofwomanareyou?

25
VIVIE[coolly]Thesorttheworldismostlymadeof,Ishouldhope.OtherwiseIdon'tunderstandhowitgetsits
businessdone.
Come[takinghermotherbythewristandpullingherupprettyresolutely]:pullyourselftogether.Thatsright.
MRSWARREN[querulously]Youreveryroughwithme,Vivie.
VIVIE.Nonsense.Whataboutbed?It'spastten.
MRSWARREN[passionately]Whatstheuseofmygoingtobed?DoyouthinkIcouldsleep?
VIVIE.Whynot?Ishall.
MRSWARREN.You!you'venoheart.[Shesuddenlybreaksoutvehementlyinhernaturaltonguethedialectof
awomanofthepeoplewithallheraffectationsofmaternalauthorityandconventionalmannersgone,andan
overwhelminginspirationoftrueconvictionandscorninher]Oh,Iwontbearit:Iwon'tputupwiththeinjustice
ofit.Whatrighthaveyoutosetyourselfupabovemelikethis?Youboastofwhatyouaretometo_me_,who
gaveyouachanceofbeingwhatyouare.WhatchancehadI?Shameonyouforabaddaughterandastuckup
prude!
VIVIE[sittingdownwithashrug,nolongerconfident;forherreplies,whichhavesoundedsensibleandstrongto
hersofar,nowbegintoringratherwoodenlyandevenpriggishlyagainstthenewtoneofhermother]Don'tthink
foramomentIsetmyselfaboveyouinanyway.Youattackedmewiththeconventionalauthorityofamother:I
defendedmyselfwiththeconventionalsuperiorityofarespectablewoman.Frankly,Iamnotgoingtostandany
ofyournonsense;andwhenyoudropitIshallnotexpectyoutostandanyofmine.Ishallalwaysrespectyour
righttoyourownopinionsandyourownwayoflife.
MRSWARREN.Myownopinionsandmyownwayoflife!Listentohertalking!DoyouthinkIwasbroughtup
likeyou?abletopickandchoosemyownwayoflife?DoyouthinkIdidwhatIdidbecauseIlikedit,orthought
itright,orwouldn'tratherhavegonetocollegeandbeenaladyifI'dhadthechance?
VIVIE.Everybodyhassomechoice,mother.Thepoorestgirlalivemaynotbeabletochoosebetweenbeing
QueenofEnglandorPrincipalofNewnham;butshecanchoosebetweenragpickingandflowerselling,according
tohertaste.Peoplearealwaysblamingcircumstancesforwhattheyare.Idon'tbelieveincircumstances.The
peoplewhogetoninthisworldarethepeoplewhogetupandlookforthecircumstancestheywant,and,ifthey
can'tfindthem,makethem.
MRSWARREN.Oh,it'seasytotalk,isn'tit?Here!wouldyouliketoknowwhat_my_circumstanceswere?
VIVIE.Yes:youhadbettertellme.Won'tyousitdown?
MRSWARREN.Oh,I'llsitdown:don'tyoubeafraid.[Sheplantsherchairfartherforwardwithbrazenenergy,
andsitsdown.Vivieisimpressedinspiteofherself].D'youknowwhatyourgran'motherwas?
VIVIE.No.
MRSWARREN.No,youdon't.Ido.ShecalledherselfawidowandhadafriedfishshopdownbytheMint,and
keptherselfandfourdaughtersoutofit.Twoofusweresisters:thatwasmeandLiz;andwewerebothgood
lookingandwellmade.Isupposeourfatherwasawellfedman:motherpretendedhewasagentleman;butI
don'tknow.Theothertwowereonlyhalfsisters:undersized,ugly,starvedlooking,hardworking,honestpoor
creatures:LizandIwouldhavehalfmurderedthemifmotherhadn'thalfmurderedustokeepourhandsoffthem.
Theyweretherespectableones.Well,whatdidtheygetbytheirrespectability?I'lltellyou.Oneofthemworked
inawhiteleadfactorytwelvehoursadayfornineshillingsaweekuntilshediedofleadpoisoning.Sheonly
expectedtogetherhandsalittleparalyzed;butshedied.Theotherwasalwayshelduptousasamodelbecause
shemarriedaGovernmentlaborerintheDeptfordvictuallingyard,andkepthisroomandthethreechildrenneat
andtidyoneighteenshillingsaweekuntilhetooktodrink.Thatwasworthbeingrespectablefor,wasn'tit?
VIVIE[nowthoughtfullyattentive]Didyouandyoursisterthinkso?
MRSWARREN.Lizdidn't,Icantellyou:shehadmorespirit.Webothwenttoachurchschoolthatwaspartof
theladylikeairswegaveourselvestobesuperiortothechildrenthatknewnothingandwentnowhereandwe
stayedthereuntilLizwentoutonenightandnevercameback.IknowtheschoolmistressthoughtI'dsoonfollow
herexample;fortheclergymanwasalwayswarningmethatLizzie'dendbyjumpingoffWaterlooBridge.Poor
fool:thatwasallheknewaboutit!ButIwasmoreafraidofthewhiteleadfactorythanIwasoftheriver;andso
wouldyouhavebeeninmyplace.Thatclergymangotmeasituationasascullerymaidinatemperancerestaurant
wheretheysentoutforanythingyouliked.ThenIwasawaitress;andthenIwenttothebaratWaterloostation:
fourteenhoursadayservingdrinksandwashingglassesforfourshillingsaweekandmyboard.Thatwas
consideredagreatpromotionforme.Well,onecold,wretchednight,whenIwassotiredIcouldhardlykeep

26
myselfawake,whoshouldcomeupforahalfofScotchbutLizzie,inalongfurcloak,elegantandcomfortable,
withalotofsovereignsinherpurse.
VIVIE[grimly]MyauntLizzie!
MRSWARREN.Yes;andaverygoodaunttohave,too.She'slivingdownatWinchesternow,closetothe
cathedral,oneofthemostrespectableladiesthere.Chaperonesgirlsatthecountryball,ifyouplease.Noriverfor
Liz,thankyou!YouremindmeofLizalittle:shewasafirstratebusinesswomansavedmoneyfromthe
beginningneverletherselflooktoolikewhatshewasneverlostherheadorthrewawayachance.Whenshe
sawI'dgrownupgoodlookingshesaidtomeacrossthebar"Whatareyoudoingthere,youlittlefool?wearing
outyourhealthandyourappearanceforotherpeople'sprofit!"Lizwassavingmoneythentotakeahousefor
herselfinBrussels;andshethoughtwetwocouldsavefasterthanone.Soshelentmesomemoneyandgavemea
start;andIsavedsteadilyandfirstpaidherback,andthenwentintobusinesswithherasapartner.Whyshouldn't
Ihavedoneit?ThehouseinBrusselswasrealhighclass:amuchbetterplaceforawomantobeinthanthe
factorywhereAnneJanegotpoisoned.NoneofthegirlswereevertreatedasIwastreatedinthesculleryofthat
temperanceplace,orattheWaterloobar,orathome.Wouldyouhavehadmestayinthemandbecomeaworn
outolddrudgebeforeIwasforty?
VIVIE[intenselyinterestedbythistime]No;butwhydidyouchoosethatbusiness?Savingmoneyandgood
managementwillsucceedinanybusiness.
MRSWARREN.Yes,savingmoney.Butwherecanawomangetthemoneytosaveinanyotherbusiness?Could
yousaveoutoffourshillingsaweekandkeepyourselfdressedaswell?Notyou.Ofcourse,ifyoureaplain
womanandcan'tearnanythingmore;orifyouhaveaturnformusic,orthestage,ornewspaperwriting:thats
different.ButneitherLiznorIhadanyturnforsuchthingsatall:allwehadwasourappearanceandourturnfor
pleasingmen.Doyouthinkweweresuchfoolsastoletotherpeopletradeinourgoodlooksbyemployingusas
shopgirls,orbarmaids,orwaitresses,whenwecouldtradeinthemourselvesandgetalltheprofitsinsteadof
starvationwages?Notlikely.
VIVIE.Youwerecertainlyquitejustifiedfromthebusinesspointofview.
MRSWARREN.Yes;oranyotherpointofview.Whatisanyrespectablegirlbroughtuptodobuttocatchsome
richman'sfancyandgetthebenefitofhismoneybymarryinghim?asifamarriageceremonycouldmakeany
differenceintherightorwrongofthething!Oh,thehypocrisyoftheworldmakesmesick!LizandIhadtowork
andsaveandcalculatejustlikeotherpeople;elsewaysweshouldbeaspoorasanygoodfornothingdrunken
wasterofawomanthatthinksherluckwilllastforever.[Withgreatenergy]Idespisesuchpeople:theyveno
character;andiftheresathingIhateinawoman,it'swantofcharacter.
VIVIE.Comenow,mother:frankly!Isn'titpartofwhatyoucallcharacterinawomanthatsheshouldgreatly
dislikesuchawayofmakingmoney?
MRSWARREN.Why,ofcourse.Everybodydislikeshavingtoworkandmakemoney;buttheyhavetodoitall
thesame.I'msureI'veoftenpitiedapoorgirl,tiredoutandinlowspirits,havingtotrytopleasesomemanthat
shedoesn'tcaretwostrawsforsomehalfdrunkenfoolthatthinkshe'smakinghimselfagreeablewhenhe's
teasingandworryinganddisgustingawomansothathardlyanymoneycouldpayherforputtingupwithit.But
shehastobearwithdisagreeablesandtaketheroughwiththesmooth,justlikeanurseinahospitaloranyone
else.It'snotworkthatanywomanwoulddoforpleasure,goodnessknows;thoughtohearthepiouspeopletalk
youwouldsupposeitwasabedofroses.
VIVIE.Still,youconsideritworthwhile.Itpays.
MRSWARREN.Ofcourseit'sworthwhiletoapoorgirl,ifshecanresisttemptationandisgoodlookingand
wellconductedandsensible.It'sfarbetterthananyotheremploymentopentoher.
Ialwaysthoughtthatitoughtn'ttobe.It_can't_beright,Vivie,thatthereshouldn'tbebetteropportunitiesfor
women.Isticktothat:it'swrong.Butit'sso,rightorwrong;andagirlmustmakethebestofit.Butofcourseit's
notworthwhileforalady.Ifyoutooktoityoudbeafool;butIshouldhavebeenafoolifI'dtakentoanything
else.
VIVIE[moreandmoredeeplymoved]Mother:supposewewerebothaspoorasyouwereinthosewretchedold
days,areyouquitesurethatyouwouldn'tadvisemetotrytheWaterloobar,ormarryalaborer,orevengointo
thefactory?
MRSWARREN[indignantly]Ofcoursenot.Whatsortofmotherdoyoutakemefor!Howcouldyoukeepyour
selfrespectinsuchstarvationandslavery?Andwhatsawomanworth?whatslifeworth?withoutselfrespect!
WhyamIindependentandabletogivemydaughterafirstrateeducation,whenotherwomenthathadjustas
goodopportunitiesareinthegutter?BecauseIalwaysknewhowtorespectmyselfandcontrolmyself.WhyisLiz

27
lookeduptoinacathedraltown?Thesamereason.Wherewouldwebenowifwe'dmindedtheclergyman's
foolishness?Scrubbingfloorsforoneandsixpenceadayandnothingtolookforwardtobuttheworkhouse
infirmary.Don'tyoubeledastraybypeoplewhodon'tknowtheworld,mygirl.Theonlywayforawomanto
provideforherselfdecentlyisforhertobegoodtosomemanthatcanaffordtobegoodtoher.Ifshe'sinhisown
stationoflife,lethermakehimmarryher;butifshe'sfarbeneathhimshecan'texpectit:whyshouldshe?it
wouldn'tbeforherownhappiness.AskanyladyinLondonsocietythathasdaughters;andshe'lltellyouthe
same,exceptthatItellyoustraightandshe'lltellyoucrooked.Thatsallthedifference.
VIVIE[fascinated,gazingather]Mydearmother:youareawonderfulwoman:youarestrongerthanallEngland.
Andareyoureallyandtrulynotoneweebitdoubtfulororashamed?
MRSWARREN.Well,ofcourse,dearie,it'sonlygoodmannerstobeashamedofit:it'sexpectedfromawoman.
Womenhavetopretendtofeelagreatdealthattheydon'tfeel.Lizusedtobeangrywithmeforplumpingoutthe
truthaboutit.Sheusedtosaythatwheneverywomancouldlearnenoughfromwhatwasgoingonintheworld
beforehereyes,therewasnoneedtotalkaboutittoher.ButthenLizwassuchaperfectlady!Shehadthetrue
instinctofit;whileIwasalwaysabitofavulgarian.Iusedtobesopleasedwhenyousentmeyourphotostosee
thatyouweregrowinguplikeLiz:you'vejustherladylike,determinedway.ButIcan'tstandsayingonething
wheneveryoneknowsImeananother.Whatstheuseinsuchhypocrisy?Ifpeoplearrangetheworldthatwayfor
women,theresnogoodpretendingit'sarrangedtheotherway.No:Ineverwasabitashamedreally.IconsiderI
hadarighttobeproudofhowwemanagedeverythingsorespectably,andneverhadawordagainstus,andhow
thegirlsweresowelltakencareof.Someofthemdidverywell:oneofthemmarriedanambassador.Butof
coursenowIdaren'ttalkaboutsuchthings:whateverwouldtheythinkofus![Sheyawns].Ohdear!Idobelieve
I'mgettingsleepyafterall.[Shestretchesherselflazily,thoroughlyrelievedbyherexplosion,andplacidlyready
forhernight'srest].
VIVIE.IbelieveitisIwhowillnotbeabletosleepnow.[Shegoestothedresserandlightsthecandle.Thenshe
extinguishesthelamp,darkeningtheroomagooddeal].Betterletinsomefreshairbeforelockingup.[Sheopens
thecottagedoor,andfindsthatitisbroadmoonlight].Whatabeautifulnight!Look![Shedrawsthecurtainsof
thewindow.ThelandscapeisseenbathedintheradianceoftheharvestmoonrisingoverBlackdown].
MRSWARREN[withaperfunctoryglanceatthescene]Yes,dear;buttakecareyoudon'tcatchyourdeathof
coldfromthenightair.
VIVIE[contemptuously]Nonsense.
MRSWARREN[querulously]Ohyes:everythingIsayisnonsense,accordingtoyou.
VIVIE[turningtoherquickly]No:reallythatisnotso,mother.
Youhavegotcompletelythebetterofmetonight,thoughIintendedittobetheotherway.Letusbegoodfriends
now.
MRSWARREN[shakingherheadalittleruefully]Soit_has_beentheotherway.ButIsupposeImustgivein
toit.IalwaysgottheworstofitfromLiz;andnowIsupposeit'llbethesamewithyou.
VIVIE.Well,nevermind.Come:goodnight,dearoldmother.[Shetakeshermotherinherarms].
MRSWARREN[fondly]Ibroughtyouupwell,didn'tI,dearie?
VIVIE.Youdid.
MRSWARREN.Andyoullbegoodtoyourpooroldmotherforit,won'tyou?
VIVIE.Iwill,dear.[Kissingher]Goodnight.
MRSWARREN[withunction]Blessingsonmyowndeariedarling!amother'sblessing!
[Sheembracesherdaughterprotectingly,instinctivelylookingupwardfordivinesanction.]

ACTIII
[IntheRectorygardennextmorning,withthesunshiningfromacloudlesssky.Thegardenwallhasafive
barredwoodengate,wideenoughtoadmitacarriage,inthemiddle.Besidethegatehangsabellonacoiled
spring,communicatingwithapulloutside.Thecarriagedrivecomesdownthemiddleofthegardenandthen
swervestoitsleft,whereitendsinalittlegravelledcircusoppositetheRectoryporch.Beyondthegateisseenthe
dustyhighroad,parallelwiththewall,boundedonthefarthersidebyastripofturfandanunfencedpinewood.
Onthelawn,betweenthehouseandthedrive,isaclippedyewtree,withagardenbenchinitsshade.Onthe

28
oppositesidethegardenisshutinbyaboxhedge;andthereisalittlesundialontheturf,withanironchairnear
it.Alittlepathleadsthroughtheboxhedge,behindthesundial.]
[Frank,seatedonthechairnearthesundial,onwhichhehasplacedthemorningpaper,isreadingTheStandard.
Hisfathercomesfromthehouse,redeyedandshivery,andmeetsFrank'seyewithmisgiving.]
FRANK[lookingathiswatch]Halfpasteleven.Niceyourforarectortocomedowntobreakfast!
REV.S.Don'tmock,Frank:don'tmock.Iamalittleer[Shivering]
FRANK.Offcolor?
REV.S.[repudiatingtheexpression]No,sir:_unwell_thismorning.Where'syourmother?
FRANK.Don'tbealarmed:she'snothere.Gonetotownbythe11.13withBessie.Sheleftseveralmessagesfor
you.Doyoufeelequaltoreceivingthemnow,orshallIwaittilyou'vebreakfasted?
REV.S.Ihavebreakfasted,sir.Iamsurprisedatyourmothergoingtotownwhenwehavepeoplestayingwith
us.They'llthinkitverystrange.
FRANK.Possiblyshehasconsideredthat.Atallevents,ifCroftsisgoingtostayhere,andyouaregoingtositup
everynightwithhimuntilfour,recallingtheincidentsofyourfieryyouth,itisclearlymymother'sduty,asa
prudenthousekeeper,togouptothestoresandorderabarrelofwhiskyandafewhundredsiphons.
REV.S.IdidnotobservethatSirGeorgedrankexcessively.
FRANK.Youwerenotinaconditionto,gov'nor.
REV.S.Doyoumeantosaythat_I_?
FRANK[calmly]Ineversawabeneficedclergymanlesssober.Theanecdotesyoutoldaboutyourpastcareer
weresoawfulthatIreallydon'tthinkPraedwouldhavepassedthenightunderyourroofifithadntbeenforthe
waymymotherandhetooktooneanother.
REV.S.Nonsense,sir.IamSirGeorgeCrofts'host.Imusttalktohimaboutsomething;andhehasonlyone
subject.WhereisMrPraednow?
FRANK.HeisdrivingmymotherandBessietothestation.
REV.S.IsCroftsupyet?
FRANK.Oh,longago.Hehasn'tturnedahair:he'sinmuchbetterpracticethanyou.Haskeptitupeversince,
probably.He'stakenhimselfoffsomewheretosmoke.
[Frankresumeshispaper.Theparsonturnsdisconsolatelytowardsthegate;thencomesbackirresolutely.]
REV.S.ErFrank.
FRANK.Yes.
REV.S.DoyouthinktheWarrenswillexpecttobeaskedhereafteryesterdayafternoon?
FRANK.Theyvebeenaskedalready.
REV.S.[appalled]What!!!
FRANK.CroftsinformedusatbreakfastthatyoutoldhimtobringMrsWarrenandVivieoverheretoday,andto
invitethemtomakethishousetheirhome.Mymotherthenfoundshemustgototownbythe11.13train.
REV.S.[withdespairingvehemence]Inevergaveanysuchinvitation.Ineverthoughtofsuchathing.
FRANK[compassionately]Howdoyouknow,gov'nor,whatyousaidandthoughtlastnight?
PRAED[cominginthroughthehedge]Goodmorning.
REV.S.Goodmorning.Imustapologizefornothavingmetyouatbreakfast.Ihaveatouchofof
FRANK.Clergyman'ssorethroat,Praed.Fortunatelynotchronic.
PRAED[changingthesubject]WellImustsayyourhouseisinacharmingspothere.Reallymostcharming.
REV.S.Yes:itisindeed.Frankwilltakeyouforawalk,MrPraed,ifyoulike.I'llaskyoutoexcuseme:Imust
taketheopportunitytowritemysermonwhileMrsGardnerisawayandyouareallamusingyourselves.You
won'tmind,willyou?
PRAED.Certainlynot.Don'tstandontheslightestceremonywithme.

29
REV.S.Thankyou.I'llerer[Hestammershiswaytotheporchandvanishesintothehouse].
PRAED.Curiousthingitmustbewritingasermoneveryweek.
FRANK.Eversocurious,ifhedidit.Hebuysem.He'sgoneforsomesodawater.
PRAED.Mydearboy:Iwishyouwouldbemorerespectfultoyourfather.Youknowyoucanbesonicewhen
youlike.
FRANK.MydearPraddy:youforgetthatIhavetolivewiththegovernor.Whentwopeoplelivetogetheritdon't
matterwhethertheyrefatherandsonorhusbandandwifeorbrotherandsistertheycan'tkeepupthepolite
humbugthatssoeasyfortenminutesonanafternooncall.Nowthegovernor,whounitestomanyadmirable
domesticqualitiestheirresolutenessofasheepandthepompousnessandaggressivenessofajackass
PRAED.No,pray,pray,mydearFrank,remember!Heisyourfather.
FRANK.Igivehimduecreditforthat.[Risingandflingingdownhispaper]ButjustimaginehistellingCroftsto
bringtheWarrensoverhere!Hemusthavebeeneversodrunk.Youknow,mydearPraddy,mymotherwouldn't
standMrsWarrenforamoment.Viviemustn'tcomehereuntilshe'sgonebacktotown.
PRAED.Butyourmotherdoesn'tknowanythingaboutMrsWarren,doesshe?[Hepicksupthepaperandsits
downtoreadit].
FRANK.Idon'tknow.Herjourneytotownlooksasifshedid.Notthatmymotherwouldmindintheordinary
way:shehasstucklikeabricktolotsofwomenwhohadgotintotrouble.Buttheywereallnicewomen.Thats
whatmakestherealdifference.MrsWarren,nodoubt,hashermerits;butshe'seversorowdy;andmymother
simplywouldn'tputupwithher.Sohallo![Thisexclamationisprovokedbythereappearanceoftheclergyman,
whocomesoutofthehouseinhasteanddismay].
REV.S.Frank:MrsWarrenandherdaughterarecomingacrosstheheathwithCrofts:Isawthemfromthestudy
windows.What_am_Itosayaboutyourmother?
FRANK.Stickonyourhatandgooutandsayhowdelightedyouaretoseethem;andthatFrank'sinthegarden;
andthatmotherandBessiehavebeencalledtothebedsideofasickrelative,andwereeversosorrytheycouldn't
stop;andthatyouhopeMrsWarrensleptwell;andandsayanyblessedthingexceptthetruth,andleavetherest
toProvidence.
REV.S.Buthowarewetogetridofthemafterwards?
FRANK.Theresnotimetothinkofthatnow.Here![Heboundsintothehouse].
REV.S.He'ssoimpetuous.Idon'tknowwhattodowithhim,MrPraed.
FRANK[returningwithaclericalfelthat,whichheclapsonhisfather'shead].Now:offwithyou.[Rushinghim
throughthegate].PraedandI'llwaithere,togivethethinganunpremeditatedair.[Theclergyman,dazedbut
obedient,hurriesoff].
FRANK.Wemustgettheoldgirlbacktotownsomehow,Praed.Come!Honestly,dearPraddy,doyoulike
seeingthemtogether?
PRAED.Oh,whynot?
FRANK[histeethonedge]Don'titmakeyourfleshcreepeversolittle?thatwickedolddevil,uptoevery
villainyunderthesun,I'llswear,andVivieugh!
PRAED.Hush,pray.Theyrecoming.
[TheclergymanandCroftsareseencomingalongtheroad,followedbyMrsWarrenandViviewalking
affectionatelytogether.]
FRANK.Look:sheactuallyhasherarmroundtheoldwoman'swaist.It'sherrightarm:shebeganit.She'sgone
sentimental,byGod!Ugh!ugh!Nowdoyoufeelthecreeps?[Theclergymanopensthegate:andMrsWarrenand
Viviepasshimandstandinthemiddleofthegardenlookingatthehouse.Frank,inanecstasyofdissimulation,
turnsgailytoMrsWarren,exclaiming]Eversodelightedtoseeyou,MrsWarren.Thisquietoldrectorygarden
becomesyouperfectly.
MRSWARREN.Well,Inever!Didyouhearthat,George?HesaysIlookwellinaquietoldrectorygarden.
REV.S.[stillholdingthegateforCrofts,wholoafsthroughit,heavilybored]Youlookwelleverywhere,Mrs
Warren.

30
FRANK.Bravo,gov'nor!Nowlookhere:letshaveatreatbeforelunch.Firstletsseethechurch.Everyonehasto
dothat.It'saregularoldthirteenthcenturychurch,youknow:thegov'nor'seversofondofit,becausehegotupa
restorationfundandhaditcompletelyrebuiltsixyearsago.Praedwillbeabletoshewitspoints.
PRAED[rising]Certainly,iftherestorationhasleftanytoshew.
REV.S.[mooninghospitablyatthem]Ishallbepleased,I'msure,ifSirGeorgeandMrsWarrenreallycareabout
it.
MRSWARREN.Oh,comealongandgetitover.
CROFTS[turningbacktowardthegate]I'venoobjection.
REV.S.Notthatway.Wegothroughthefields,ifyoudon'tmind.Roundhere.[Heleadsthewaybythelittle
paththroughtheboxhedge].
CROFTS.Oh,allright.[Hegoeswiththeparson].
[PraedfollowswithMrsWarren.Viviedoesnotstir:shewatchesthemuntiltheyhavegone,withallthelinesof
purposeinherfacemarkingitstrongly.]
FRANK.Ain'tyoucoming?
VIVIE.No.Iwanttogiveyouawarning,Frank.Youweremakingfunofmymotherjustnowwhenyousaidthat
abouttherectorygarden.Thatisbarredinthefuture.Pleasetreatmymotherwithasmuchrespectasyoutreat
yourown.
FRANK.MydearViv:shewouldn'tappreciateit:thetwocasesrequiredifferenttreatment.Butwhatonearthhas
happenedtoyou?Lastnightwewereperfectlyagreedastoyourmotherandherset.ThismorningIfindyou
attitudinizingsentimentallywithyourarmaroundyourparent'swaist.
VIVIE[flushing]Attitudinizing!
FRANK.Thatwashowitstruckme.FirsttimeIeversawyoudoasecondratething.
VIVIE[controllingherself]Yes,Frank:therehasbeenachange:butIdon'tthinkitachangefortheworse.
YesterdayIwasalittleprig.
FRANK.Andtoday?
VIVIE[wincing;thenlookingathimsteadily]TodayIknowmymotherbetterthanyoudo.
FRANK.Heavenforbid!
VIVIE.Whatdoyoumean?
FRANK.Viv:theresafreemasonryamongthoroughlyimmoralpeoplethatyouknownothingof.You'vetoo
muchcharacter._That's_thebondbetweenyourmotherandme:that'swhyIknowherbetterthanyoullever
knowher.
VIVIE.Youarewrong:youknownothingabouther.Ifyouknewthecircumstancesagainstwhichmymotherhad
tostruggle
FRANK[adroitlyfinishingthesentenceforher]Ishouldknowwhysheiswhatsheis,shouldn'tI?What
differencewouldthatmake?
Circumstancesornocircumstances,Viv,youwon'tbeabletostandyourmother.
VIVIE[veryangry]Whynot?
FRANK.Becauseshe'sanoldwretch,Viv.Ifyoueverputyourarmaroundherwaistinmypresenceagain,I'll
shootmyselfthereandthenasaprotestagainstanexhibitionwhichrevoltsme.
VIVIE.MustIchoosebetweendroppingyouracquaintanceanddroppingmymother's?
FRANK[gracefully]Thatwouldputtheoldladyateversuchadisadvantage.No,Viv:yourinfatuatedlittleboy
willhavetosticktoyouinanycase.Buthe'sallthemoreanxiousthatyoushouldn'tmakemistakes.It'snouse,
Viv:yourmother'simpossible.Shemaybeagoodsort;butshe'sabadlot,averybadlot.
VIVIE[hotly]Frank![Hestandshisground.Sheturnsawayandsitsdownonthebenchundertheyewtree,
strugglingtorecoverherselfcommand.Thenshesays]Isshetobedesertedbytheworldbecauseshe'swhatyou
callabadlot?Hasshenorighttolive?
FRANK.Nofearofthat,Viv:_she_won'teverbedeserted.[Hesitsonthebenchbesideher].

31
VIVIE.ButIamtodeserther,Isuppose.
FRANK[babyishly,lullingherandmakinglovetoherwithhisvoice]Mustn'tgolivewithher.Littlefamily
groupofmotheranddaughterwouldn'tbeasuccess.Spoilourlittlegroup.
VIVIE[fallingunderthespell]Whatlittlegroup?
FRANK.Thebabesinthewood:VivieandlittleFrank.[Henestlesagainstherlikeawearychild].Letsgoand
getcoveredupwithleaves.
VIVIE[rhythmically,rockinghimlikeanurse]Fastasleep,handinhand,underthetrees.
FRANK.Thewiselittlegirlwithhersillylittleboy.
VIVIE.Thedeallittleboywithhisdowdylittlegirl.
FRANK.Eversopeaceful,andrelievedfromtheimbecilityofthelittleboy'sfatherandthequestionablenessof
thelittlegirl's
VIVIE[smotheringthewordagainstherbreast]Shshshsh!littlegirlwantstoforgetallabouthermother.[They
aresilentforsomemoments,rockingoneanother.ThenViviewakesupwithashock,exclaiming]Whatapairof
foolsweare!Come:situp.Gracious!yourhair.[Shesmoothsit].Iwonderdoallgrownuppeopleplayinthat
childishwaywhennobodyislooking.
IneverdiditwhenIwasachild.
FRANK.NeitherdidI.Youaremyfirstplaymate.[Hecatchesherhandtokissit,butcheckshimselftolook
aroundfirst.Veryunexpectedly,heseesCroftsemergingfromtheboxhedge].Ohdamn!
VIVIE.Whydamn,dear?
FRANK[whispering]Sh!Here'sthisbruteCrofts.[Hesitsfartherawayfromherwithanunconcernedair].
CROFTS.CouldIhaveafewwordswithyou,MissVivie?
VIVIE.Certainly.
CROFTS[toFrank]Youllexcuseme,Gardner.Theyrewaitingforyouinthechurch,ifyoudon'tmind.
FRANK[rising]Anythingtoobligeyou,Croftsexceptchurch.Ifyoushouldhappentowantme,Vivvums,ring
thegatebell.[Hegoesintothehousewithunruffledsuavity].
CROFTS[watchinghimwithacraftyairashedisappears,andspeakingtoViviewithanassumptionofbeingon
privilegedtermswithher]Pleasantyoungfellowthat,MissVivie.Pityhehasnomoney,isn'tit?
VIVIE.Doyouthinkso?
CROFTS.Well,whatshetodo?Noprofession.Noproperty.Whatshegoodfor?
VIVIE.Irealizehisdisadvantages,SirGeorge.
CROFTS[alittletakenabackatbeingsopreciselyinterpreted]Oh,it'snotthat.Butwhilewe'reinthisworld
we'reinit;andmoney'smoney.[Viviedoesnotanswer].Niceday,isn'tit?
VIVIE[withscarcelyveiledcontemptforthiseffortatconversation]Very.
CROFTS[withbrutalgoodhumor,asifhelikedherpluck]WellthatsnotwhatIcametosay.[Sittingdown
besideher]Nowlisten,MissVivie.I'mquiteawarethatI'mnotayounglady'sman.
VIVIE.Indeed,SirGeorge?
CROFTS.No;andtotellyouthehonesttruthIdon'twanttobeeither.ButwhenIsayathingImeanit;andwhen
IfeelasentimentIfeelitinearnest;andwhatIvalueIpayhardmoneyfor.ThatsthesortofmanIam.
VIVIE.Itdoesyougreatcredit,I'msure.
CROFTS.Oh,Idon'tmeantopraisemyself.Ihavemyfaults,Heavenknows:nomanismoresensibleofthat
thanIam.IknowI'mnotperfect:thatsoneoftheadvantagesofbeingamiddleagedman;forI'mnotayoung
man,andIknowit.Butmycodeisasimpleone,and,Ithink,agoodone.Honorbetweenmanandman;fidelity
betweenmanandwoman;andnocan'taboutthisreligionorthatreligion,butanhonestbeliefthatthingsare
makingforgoodonthewhole.
VIVIE[withbitingirony]"Apower,notourselves,thatmakesforrighteousness,"eh?

32
CROFTS[takingherseriously]Ohcertainly.Notourselves,ofcourse.YouunderstandwhatImean.Well,now
astopracticalmatters.YoumayhaveanideathatI'veflungmymoneyabout;butIhavn't:I'mrichertodaythan
whenIfirstcameintotheproperty.I'veusedmyknowledgeoftheworldtoinvestmymoneyinwaysthatother
menhaveoverlooked;andwhateverelseImaybe,I'masafemanfromthemoneypointofview.
VIVIE.It'sverykindofyoutotellmeallthis.
CROFTS.Ohwell,come,MissVivie:youneedn'tpretendyoudon'tseewhatI'mdrivingat.Iwanttosettledown
withaLadyCrofts.Isupposeyouthinkmeveryblunt,eh?
VIVIE.Notatall:Iamverymuchobligedtoyouforbeingsodefiniteandbusinesslike.Iquiteappreciatethe
offer:themoney,theposition,_LadyCrofts_,andsoon.ButIthinkIwillsayno,ifyoudon'tmind,I'drathernot.
[Sherises,andstrollsacrosstothesundialtogetoutofhisimmediateneighborhood].
CROFTS[notatalldiscouraged,andtakingadvantageoftheadditionalroomlefthimontheseattospread
himselfcomfortably,asifafewpreliminaryrefusalswerepartoftheinevitableroutineofcourtship]I'minno
hurry.ItwasonlyjusttoletyouknowincaseyoungGardnershouldtrytotrapyou.Leavethequestionopen.
VIVIE[sharply]Mynoisfinal.Iwon'tgobackfromit.
[Croftsisnotimpressed.Hegrins;leansforwardwithhiselbowsonhiskneestoprodwithhisstickatsome
unfortunateinsectinthegrass;andlookscunninglyather.Sheturnsawayimpatiently.]
CROFTS.I'magooddealolderthanyou.Twentyfiveyears:quarterofacentury.Ishan'tliveforever;andI'll
takecarethatyoushallbewelloffwhenI'mgone.
VIVIE.Iamproofagainsteventhatinducement,SirGeorge.Don'tyouthinkyoudbettertakeyouranswer?There
isnottheslightestchanceofmyalteringit.
CROFTS[rising,afterafinalslashatadaisy,andcomingnearertoher]Well,nomatter.Icouldtellyousome
thingsthatwouldchangeyourmindfastenough;butIwont,becauseI'dratherwinyoubyhonestaffection.Iwas
agoodfriendtoyourmother:askherwhetherIwasn't.She'dneverhavemakethemoneythatpaidforyour
educationifithadntbeenformyadviceandhelp,nottomentionthemoneyIadvancedher.Therearenotmany
menwhowouldhavestoodbyherasIhave.Iputnotlessthanfortythousandpoundsintoit,fromfirsttolast.
VIVIE[staringathim]Doyoumeantosaythatyouweremymother'sbusinesspartner?
CROFTS.Yes.Nowjustthinkofallthetroubleandtheexplanationsitwouldsaveifweweretokeepthewhole
thinginthefamily,sotospeak.Askyourmotherwhethershe'dliketohavetoexplainallheraffairstoaperfect
stranger.
VIVIE.Iseenodifficulty,sinceIunderstandthatthebusinessiswoundup,andthemoneyinvested.
CROFTS[stoppingshort,amazed]Woundup!Windupabusinessthatspaying35percentintheworstyears!
Notlikely.Whotoldyouthat?
VIVIE[hercolorquitegone]Doyoumeanthatitisstill?[Shestopsabruptly,andputsherhandonthesundial
tosupportherself.Thenshegetsquicklytotheironchairandsitsdown].
Whatbusinessareyoutalkingabout?
CROFTS.Well,thefactisit'snotwhatwouldconsideredexactlyahighclassbusinessinmysetthecountryset,
youknowoursetitwillbeifyouthinkbetterofmyoffer.Notthattheresanymysteryaboutit:don'tthinkthat.
Ofcourseyouknowbyyourmother'sbeinginitthatit'sperfectlystraightandhonest.I'veknownherformany
years;andIcansayofherthatshe'dcutoffherhandssoonerthantouchanythingthatwasnotwhatitoughttobe.
I'lltellyouallaboutitifyoulike.Idon'tknowwhetheryou'vefoundintravellinghowharditistofindareally
comfortableprivatehotel.
VIVIE[sickened,avertingherface]Yes:goon.
CROFTS.Well,thatsallitis.Yourmotherhasgotageniusformanagingsuchthings.We'vegottwoinBrussels,
oneinOstend,oneinVienna,andtwoinBudapest.Ofcoursethereareothersbesidesourselvesinit;butwehold
mostofthecapital;andyourmother'sindispensableasmanagingdirector.You'venoticed,Idaresay,thatshe
travelsagooddeal.Butyouseeyoucan'tmentionsuchthingsinsociety.Onceletoutthewordhoteland
everybodythinksyoukeepapublichouse.Youwouldn'tlikepeopletosaythatofyourmother,wouldyou?Thats
whywe'resoreservedaboutit.Bytheway,youllkeepittoyourself,won'tyou?Sinceit'sbeenasecretsolong,it
hadbetterremainso.
VIVIE.Andthisisthebusinessyouinvitemetojoinyouin?

33
CROFTS.Ohno.Mywifeshan'tbetroubledwithbusiness.Youllnotbeinitmorethanyou'vealwaysbeen.
VIVIE._I_alwaysbeen!Whatdoyoumean?
CROFTS.Onlythatyou'vealwayslivedonit.Itpaidforyoureducationandthedressyouhaveonyourback.
Don'tturnupyournoseatbusiness,MissVivie:wherewouldyourNewnhamsandGirtonsbewithoutit?
VIVIE[rising,almostbesideherself]Takecare.Iknowwhatthisbusinessis.
CROFTS[starting,withasuppressedoath]Whotoldyou?
VIVIE.Yourpartner.Mymother.
CROFTS[blackwithrage]Theold
VIVIE.Justso.
[Heswallowstheepithetandstandsforamomentswearingandragingfoullytohimself.Butheknowsthathis
cueistobesympathetic.Hetakesrefugeingenerousindignation.]
CROFTS.Sheoughttohavehadmoreconsiderationforyou._I'd_neverhavetoldyou.
VIVIE.Ithinkyouwouldprobablyhavetoldmewhenweweremarried:itwouldhavebeenaconvenientweapon
tobreakmeinwith.
CROFTS[quitesincerely]Ineverintendedthat.OnmywordasagentlemanIdidn't.
[Viviewondersathim.Hersenseoftheironyofhisprotestcoolsandbracesher.Shereplieswithcontemptuous
selfpossession.]
VIVIE.Itdoesnotmatter.Isupposeyouunderstandthatwhenweleaveheretodayouracquaintanceceases.
CROFTS.Why?Isitforhelpingyourmother?
VIVIE.Mymotherwasaverypoorwomanwhohadnoreasonablechoicebuttodoasshedid.Youwerearich
gentleman;andyoudidthesameforthesakeof35percent.Youareaprettycommonsortofscoundrel,Ithink.
Thatismyopinionofyou.
CROFTS[afterastare:notatalldispleased,andmuchmoreathiseaseonthesefranktermsthanontheirformer
ceremoniousones]Ha!ha!ha!ha!Goit,littlemissie,goit:itdoesn'thurtmeanditamusesyou.Whythedevil
shouldn'tIinvestmymoneythatway?Itaketheinterestonmycapitallikeotherpeople:Ihopeyoudon'tthinkI
dirtymyownhandswiththework.
Come!youwouldn'trefusetheacquaintanceofmymother'scousintheDukeofBelgraviabecausesomeofthe
rentshegetsareearnedinqueerways.Youwouldn'tcuttheArchbishopofCanterbury,Isuppose,becausethe
EcclesiasticalCommissionershaveafewpublicansandsinnersamongtheirtenants.Doyourememberyour
CroftsscholarshipatNewnham?Well,thatwasfoundedbymybrothertheM.P.Hegetshis22percentoutofa
factorywith600girlsinit,andnotoneofthemgettingwagesenoughtoliveon.Howd'yesupposetheymanage
whentheyhavenofamilytofallbackon?Askyourmother.Anddoyouexpectmetoturnmybackon35percent
whenalltherestarepocketingwhattheycan,likesensiblemen?Nosuchfool!Ifyouregoingtopickandchoose
youracquaintancesonmoralprinciples,youdbetterclearoutofthiscountry,unlessyouwanttocutyourselfout
ofalldecentsociety.
VIVIE[consciencestricken]YoumightgoontopointoutthatImyselfneveraskedwherethemoneyIspent
camefrom.IbelieveIamjustasbadasyou.
CROFTS[greatlyreassured]Ofcourseyouare;andaverygoodthingtoo!Whatharmdoesitdoafterall?
[Rallyingherjocularly]Soyoudon'tthinkmesuchascoundrelnowyoucometothinkitover.Eh?
VIVIE.Ihavesharedprofitswithyou:andIadmittedyoujustnowtothefamiliarityofknowingwhatIthinkof
you.
CROFTS[withseriousfriendliness]Tobesureyoudid.Youwon'tfindmeabadsort:Idon'tgoinforbeing
superfineintellectually;butIveplentyofhonesthumanfeeling;andtheoldCroftsbreedcomesoutinasortof
instinctivehatredofanythinglow,inwhichI'msureyoullsympathizewithme.Believeme,MissVivie,theworld
isn'tsuchabadplaceasthecroakersmakeout.Aslongasyoudon'tflyopenlyinthefaceofsociety,society
doesn'taskanyinconvenientquestions;anditmakespreciousshortworkofthecadswhodo.Therearenosecrets
betterkeptthanthesecretseverybodyguesses.IntheclassofpeopleIcanintroduceyouto,noladyorgentleman
wouldsofarforgetthemselvesastodiscussmybusinessaffairsoryourmothers.Nomancanofferyouasafer
position.

34
VIVIE[studyinghimcuriously]Isupposeyoureallythinkyouregettingonfamouslywithme.
CROFTS.Well,IhopeImayflattermyselfthatyouthinkbetterofmethanyoudidatfirst.
VIVIE[quietly]Ihardlyfindyouworththinkingaboutatallnow.WhenIthinkofthesocietythattoleratesyou,
andthelawsthatprotectyou!whenIthinkofhowhelplessnineoutoftenyounggirlswouldbeinthehandsof
youandmymother!theunmentionablewomanandhercapitalistbully
CROFTS[livid]Damnyou!
VIVIE.Youneednot.Ifeelamongthedamnedalready.
[Sheraisesthelatchofthegatetoopenitandgoout.Hefollowsherandputshishandheavilyonthetopbarto
preventitsopening.]
CROFTS[pantingwithfury]DoyouthinkI'llputupwiththisfromyou,youyoungdevil?
VIVIE[unmoved]Bequiet.Someonewillanswerthebell.[Withoutflinchingastepshestrikesthebellwiththe
backofherhand.Itclangsharshly;andhestartsbackinvoluntarily.AlmostimmediatelyFrankappearsatthe
porchwithhisrifle].
FRANK[withcheerfulpoliteness]Willyouhavetherifle,Viv;orshallIoperate?
VIVIE.Frank:haveyoubeenlistening?
FRANK[comingdownintothegarden]Onlyforthebell,Iassureyou;sothatyoushouldn'thavetowait.IthinkI
shewedgreatinsightintoyourcharacter,Crofts.
CROFTS.FortwopinsI'dtakethatgunfromyouandbreakitacrossyourhead.
FRANK[stalkinghimcautiously]Praydon't.I'meversocarelessinhandlingfirearms.Suretobeafatalaccident,
withareprimandfromthecoroner'sjuryformynegligence.
VIVIE.Puttherifleaway,Frank:it'squiteunnecessary.
FRANK.Quiteright,Viv.Muchmoresportsmanliketocatchhiminatrap.[Crofts,understandingtheinsult,
makesathreateningmovement].Crofts:therearefifteencartridgesinthemagazinehere;andIamadeadshotat
thepresentdistanceandatanobjectofyoursize.
CROFTS.Oh,youneedn'tbeafraid.I'mnotgoingtotouchyou.
FRANK.Eversomagnanimousofyouunderthecircumstances!Thankyou.
CROFTS.I'lljusttellyouthisbeforeIgo.Itmayinterestyou,sinceyouresofondofoneanother.Allowme,
MisterFrank,tointroduceyoutoyourhalfsister,theeldestdaughteroftheReverendSamuelGardner.Miss
Vivie:youhalfbrother.Goodmorning![Hegoesoutthroughthegateandalongtheroad].
FRANK[afterapauseofstupefaction,raisingtherifle]Youlltestifybeforethecoronerthatit'sanaccident,Viv.
[HetakesaimattheretreatingfigureofCrofts.Vivieseizesthemuzzleandpullsitroundagainstherbreast].
VIVIE.Firenow.Youmay.
FRANK[droppinghisendoftheriflehastily]Stop!takecare.[Sheletsitgo.Itfallsontheturf].Oh,you'vegiven
yourlittleboysuchaturn.Supposeithadgoneoff!ugh![Hesinksonthegardenseat,overcome].
VIVIE.Supposeithad:doyouthinkitwouldnothavebeenarelieftohavesomesharpphysicalpaintearing
throughme?
FRANK[coaxingly]Takeiteversoeasy,dearViv.Remember:eveniftheriflescaredthatfellowintotellingthe
truthforthefirsttimeinhislife,thatonlymakesusthebabesinthewoodsinearnest.[Heholdsouthisarmsto
her].Comeandbecoveredupwithleavesagain.
VIVIE[withacryofdisgust]Ah,notthat,notthat.Youmakeallmyfleshcreep.
FRANK.Why,whatsthematter?
VIVIE.Goodbye.[Shemakesforthegate].
FRANK[jumpingup]Hallo!Stop!Viv!Viv![Sheturnsinthegateway]Whereareyougoingto?Whereshallwe
findyou?
VIVIE.AtHonoriaFraser'schambers,67ChanceryLane,fortherestofmylife.[Shegoesoffquicklyinthe
oppositedirectiontothattakenbyCrofts].

35
FRANK.ButIsaywaitdashit![Herunsafterher].

ACTIV
[HonoriaFraser'schambersinChanceryLane.AnofficeatthetopofNewStoneBuildings,withaplateglass
window,distemperedwalls,electriclight,andapatentstove.Saturdayafternoon.ThechimneysofLincoln'sInn
andthewesternskybeyondareseenthroughthewindow.Thereisadoublewritingtableinthemiddleofthe
room,withacigarbox,ashpans,andaportableelectricreadinglampalmostsnowedupinheapsofpapersand
books.Thistablehaskneeholesandchairsrightandleftandisveryuntidy.Theclerk'sdesk,closedandtidy,
withitshighstool,isagainstthewall,nearadoorcommunicatingwiththeinnerrooms.Intheoppositewallisthe
doorleadingtothepubliccorridor.Itsupperpanelisofopaqueglass,letteredinblackontheoutside,FRASER
ANDWARREN.Abaizescreenhidesthecornerbetweenthisdoorandthewindow.]
[Frank,inafashionablelightcoloredcoachingsuit,withhisstick,gloves,andwhitehatinhishands,ispacingup
anddownintheoffice.Somebodytriesthedoorwithakey.]
FRANK[calling]Comein.It'snotlocked.
[Viviecomesin,inherhatandjacket.Shestopsandstaresathim.]
VIVIE[sternly]Whatareyoudoinghere?
FRANK.Waitingtoseeyou.I'vebeenhereforhours.Isthisthewayyouattendtoyourbusiness?[Heputshishat
andstickonthetable,andpercheshimselfwithavaultontheclerk'sstool,lookingatherwitheveryappearance
ofbeinginaspeciallyrestless,teasing,flippantmood].
VIVIE.I'vebeenawayexactlytwentyminutesforacupoftea.[Shetakesoffherhatandjacketandhangsthem
behindthescreen].Howdidyougetin?
FRANK.ThestaffhadnotleftwhenIarrived.He'sgonetoplaycricketonPrimroseHill.Whydon'tyouemploy
awoman,andgiveyoursexachance?
VIVIE.Whathaveyoucomefor?
FRANK[springingoffthestoolandcomingclosetoher]Viv:letsgoandenjoytheSaturdayhalfholiday
somewhere,likethestaff.
WhatdoyousaytoRichmond,andthenamusichall,andajollysupper?
VIVIE.Can'taffordit.IshallputinanothersixhoursworkbeforeIgotobed.
FRANK.Can'taffordit,can'twe?Aha!Lookhere.[Hetakesoutahandfulofsovereignsandmakesthemchink].
Gold,Viv:gold!
VIVIE.Wheredidyougetit?
FRANK.Gambling,Viv:gambling.Poker.
VIVIE.Pah!It'smeanerthanstealingit.No:I'mnotcoming.[Shesitsdowntoworkatthetable,withherbackto
theglassdoor,andbeginsturningoverthepapers].
FRANK[remonstratingpiteously]But,mydearViv,Iwanttotalktoyoueversoseriously.
VIVIE.Verywell:sitdowninHonoria'schairandtalkhere.Iliketenminuteschataftertea.[Hemurmurs].No
usegroaning:I'minexorable.[Hetakestheoppositeseatdisconsolately].Passthatcigarbox,willyou?
FRANK[pushingthecigarboxacross]Nastywomanlyhabit.Nicemendon'tdoitanylonger.
VIVIE.Yes:theyobjecttothesmellintheoffice;andwe'vehadtotaketocigarets.See![Sheopenstheboxand
takesoutacigaret,whichshelights.Sheoffershimone;butheshakeshisheadwithawryface.Shesettles
herselfcomfortablyinherchair,smoking].Goahead.
FRANK.Well,Iwanttoknowwhatyou'vedonewhatarrangementsyou'vemade.
VIVIE.EverythingwassettledtwentyminutesafterIarrivedhere.Honoriahasfoundthebusinesstoomuchfor
herthisyear;andshewasonthepointofsendingformeandproposingapartnershipwhenIwalkedinandtold
herIhadn'tafarthingintheworld.SoIinstalledmyselfandpackedheroffforafortnight'sholiday.What
happenedatHaslemerewhenIleft?
FRANK.Nothingatall.Isaidyoudgonetotownonparticularbusiness.

36
VIVIE.Well?
FRANK.Well,eithertheyweretooflabbergastedtosayanything,orelseCroftshadpreparedyourmother.
Anyhow,shedidn'tsayanything;andCroftsdidn'tsayanything;andPraddyonlystared.Afterteatheygotupand
went;andI'venotseenthemsince.
VIVIE[noddingplacidlywithoneeyeonawreathofsmoke]Thatsallright.
FRANK[lookingrounddisparagingly]Doyouintendtostickinthisconfoundedplace?
VIVIE[blowingthewreathdecisivelyaway,andsittingstraightup]Yes.Thesetwodayshavegivenmebackall
mystrengthandselfpossession.IwillnevertakeaholidayagainaslongasIlive.
FRANK[withaverywryface]Mps!Youlookquitehappy.Andashardasnails.
VIVIE[grimly]WellformethatIam!
FRANK[rising]Lookhere,Viv:wemusthaveanexplanation.Wepartedtheotherdayunderacomplete
misunderstanding.[Hesitsonthetable,closetoher].
VIVIE[puttingawaythecigaret]Well:clearitup.
FRANK.YourememberwhatCroftssaid.
VIVIE.Yes.
FRANK.Thatrevelationwassupposedtobringaboutacompletechangeinthenatureofourfeelingforone
another.Itplacedusonthefootingofbrotherandsister.
VIVIE.Yes.
FRANK.Haveyoueverhadabrother?
VIVIE.No.
FRANK.Thenyoudon'tknowwhatbeingbrotherandsisterfeelslike?NowIhavelotsofsisters;andthe
fraternalfeelingisquitefamiliartome.Iassureyoumyfeelingforyouisnottheleastintheworldlikeit.The
girlswillgo_their_way;Iwillgomine;andweshan'tcareifweneverseeoneanotheragain.Thatsbrotherand
sister.Butastoyou,Ican'tbeeasyifIhavetopassaweekwithoutseeingyou.Thatsnotbrotherandsister.Its
exactlywhatIfeltanhourbeforeCroftsmadehisrevelation.Inshort,dearViv,it'slove'syoungdream.
VIVIE[bitingly]Thesamefeeling,Frank,thatbroughtyourfathertomymother'sfeet.Isthatit?
FRANK[sorevoltedthatheslipsoffthetableforamoment]Iverystronglyobject,Viv,tohavemyfeelings
comparedtoanywhichtheReverendSamueliscapableofharboring;andIobjectstillmoretoacomparisonof
youtoyourmother.[Resuminghisperch]Besides,Idon'tbelievethestory.Ihavetaxedmyfatherwithit,and
obtainedfromhimwhatIconsidertantamounttoadenial.
VIVIE.Whatdidhesay?
FRANK.Hesaidhewassuretheremustbesomemistake.
VIVIE.Doyoubelievehim?
FRANK.IampreparedtotakehiswordagainstCrofts'.
VIVIE.Doesitmakeanydifference?Imeaninyourimaginationorconscience;forofcourseitmakesnoreal
difference.
FRANK[shakinghishead]Nonewhateverto_me_.
VIVIE.Nortome.
FRANK[staring]Butthisiseversosurprising![Hegoesbacktohischair].Ithoughtourwholerelationswere
alteredinyourimaginationandconscience,asyouputit,themomentthosewordswereoutofthatbrute'smuzzle.
VIVIE.No:itwasnotthat.Ididn'tbelievehim.IonlywishIcould.
FRANK.Eh?
VIVIE.Ithinkbrotherandsisterwouldbeaverysuitablerelationforus.
FRANK.Youreallymeanthat?
VIVIE.Yes.It'stheonlyrelationIcarefor,evenifwecouldaffordanyother.Imeanthat.

37
FRANK[raisinghiseyebrowslikeoneonwhomanewlighthasdawned,andrisingwithquiteaneffusionof
chivalroussentiment]MydearViv:whydidn'tyousaysobefore?Iameversosorryforpersecutingyou.I
understand,ofcourse.
VIVIE[puzzled]Understandwhat?
FRANK.Oh,I'mnotafoolintheordinarysense:onlyintheScripturalsenseofdoingallthethingsthewiseman
declaredtobefolly,aftertryingthemhimselfonthemostextensivescale.IseeIamnolongerVivvums'slittle
boy.Don'tbealarmed:IshallnevercallyouVivvumsagainatleastunlessyougettiredofyournewlittleboy,
whoeverhemaybe.
VIVIE.Mynewlittleboy!
FRANK[withconviction]Mustbeanewlittleboy.Alwayshappensthatway.Nootherway,infact.
VIVIE.Nonethatyouknowof,fortunatelyforyou.
[Someoneknocksatthedoor.]
FRANK.Mycurseuponyoncaller,whoe'erhebe!
VIVIE.It'sPraed.He'sgoingtoItalyandwantstosaygoodbye.Iaskedhimtocallthisafternoon.Goandlethim
in.
FRANK.WecancontinueourconversationafterhisdepartureforItaly.I'llstayhimout.[Hegoestothedoorand
opensit].Howareyou,Praddy?Delightedtoseeyou.Comein.
[Praed,dressedfortravelling,comesin,inhighspirits.]
PRAED.Howdoyoudo,MissWarren?[Shepresseshishandcordially,thoughacertainsentimentalityinhis
highspiritsjarsuponher].IstartinanhourfromHolbornViaduct.IwishIcouldpersuadeyoutotryItaly.
VIVIE.Whatfor?
PRAED.Why,tosaturateyourselfwithbeautyandromance,ofcourse.
[Vivie,withashudder,turnsherchairtothetable,asiftheworkwaitingforhertherewereasupporttoher.Praed
sitsoppositetoher.FrankplacesachairnearVivie,anddropslazilyandcarelesslyintoit,talkingatheroverhis
shoulder.]
FRANK.Nouse,Praddy.VivisalittlePhilistine.Sheisindifferentto_my_romance,andinsensibleto_my_
beauty.
VIVIE.MrPraed:onceforall,thereisnobeautyandnoromanceinlifeforme.Lifeiswhatitis;andIam
preparedtotakeitasitis.
PRAED[enthusiastically]YouwillnotsaythatifyoucomewithmetoVeronaandontoVenice.Youwillcry
withdelightatlivinginsuchabeautifulworld.
FRANK.Thisismosteloquent,Praddy.Keepitup.
PRAED.Oh,Iassureyou_I_havecriedIshallcryagain,Ihopeatfifty!Atyourage,MissWarren,youwould
notneedtogosofarasVerona.YourspiritswouldabsolutelyflyupatthemeresightofOstend.Youwouldbe
charmedwiththegaiety,thevivacity,thehappyairofBrussels.
VIVIE[springingupwithanexclamationofloathing]Agh!
PRAED[rising]Whatsthematter?
FRANK[rising]Hallo,Viv!
VIVIE[toPraed,withdeepreproach]CanyoufindnobetterexampleofyourbeautyandromancethanBrussels
totalktomeabout?
PRAED[puzzled]Ofcourseit'sverydifferentfromVerona.Idon'tsuggestforamomentthat
VIVIE[bitterly]Probablythebeautyandromancecometomuchthesameinbothplaces.
PRAED[completelysoberedandmuchconcerned]MydearMissWarren:I[lookingenquiringlyatFrank]Is
anythingthematter?
FRANK.Shethinksyourenthusiasmfrivolous,Praddy.She'shadeversuchaseriouscall.
VIVIE[sharply]Holdyourtongue,Frank.Don'tbesilly.

38
FRANK[sittingdown]Doyoucallthisgoodmanners,Praed?
PRAED[anxiousandconsiderate]ShallItakehimaway,MissWarren?Ifeelsurewehavedisturbedyouatyour
work.
VIVIE.Sitdown:I'mnotreadytogobacktoworkyet.[Praedsits].YouboththinkIhaveanattackofnerves.
Notabitofit.ButtherearetwosubjectsIwantdropped,ifyoudon'tmind.
Oneofthem[toFrank]islove'syoungdreaminanyshapeorform:theother[toPraed]istheromanceandbeauty
oflife,especiallyOstendandthegaietyofBrussels.Youarewelcometoanyillusionsyoumayhaveleftonthese
subjects:Ihavenone.Ifwethreearetoremainfriends,Imustbetreatedasawomanofbusiness,permanently
single[toFrank]andpermanentlyunromantic[toPraed].
FRANK.Ialsoshallremainpermanentlysingleuntilyouchangeyourmind.Praddy:changethesubject.Be
eloquentaboutsomethingelse.
PRAED[diffidently]I'mafraidtheresnothingelseintheworldthatI_can_talkabout.TheGospelofArtisthe
onlyoneIcanpreach.IknowMissWarrenisagreatdevoteeoftheGospelofGettingOn;butwecan'tdiscuss
thatwithouthurtingyourfeelings,Frank,sinceyouaredeterminednottogeton.
FRANK.Oh,don'tmindmyfeelings.Givemesomeimprovingadvicebyallmeans:itdoesmeeversomuch
good.Haveanothertrytomakeasuccessfulmanofme,Viv.Come:letshaveitall:energy,thrift,foresight,self
respect,character.Don'tyouhatepeoplewhohavenocharacter,Viv?
VIVIE[wincing]Oh,stop,stop.Letushavenomoreofthathorriblecant.MrPraed:iftherearereallyonlythose
twogospelsintheworld,wehadbetterallkillourselves;forthesametaintisinboth,throughandthrough.
FRANK[lookingcriticallyather]Thereisatouchofpoetryaboutyoutoday,Viv,whichhashithertobeen
lacking.
PRAED[remonstrating]MydearFrank:aren'tyoualittleunsympathetic?
VIVIE[mercilesstoherself]No:it'sgoodforme.Itkeepsmefrombeingsentimental.
FRANK[banteringher]Checksyourstrongnaturalpropensitythatway,don'tit?
VIVIE[almosthysterically]Ohyes:goon:don'tspareme.Iwassentimentalforonemomentinmylife
beautifullysentimentalbymoonlight;andnow
FRANK[quickly]Isay,Viv:takecare.Don'tgiveyourselfaway.
VIVIE.Oh,doyouthinkMrPraeddoesnotknowallaboutmymother?[TurningonPraed]Youhadbetterhave
toldmethatmorning,MrPraed.Youareveryoldfashionedinyourdelicacies,afterall.
PRAED.Surelyitisyouwhoarealittleoldfashionedinyourprejudices,MissWarren.Ifeelboundtotellyou,
speakingasanartist,andbelievingthatthemostintimatehumanrelationshipsarefarbeyondandabovethescope
ofthelaw,thatthoughIknowthatyourmotherisanunmarriedwoman,Idonotrespectherthelessonthat
account.Irespecthermore.
FRANK[airily]Hear!hear!
VIVIE[staringathim]Isthat_all_youknow?
PRAED.Certainlythatisall.
VIVIE.Thenyouneitherofyouknowanything.Yourguessesareinnocenceitselfcomparedwiththetruth.
PRAED[rising,startledandindignant,andpreservinghispolitenesswithaneffort]Ihopenot.[More
emphatically]Ihopenot,MissWarren.
FRANK[whistles]Whew!
VIVIE.Youarenotmakingiteasyformetotellyou,MrPraed.
PRAED[hischivalrydroopingbeforetheirconviction]Ifthereisanythingworsethatis,anythingelseareyou
sureyouarerighttotellus,MissWarren?
VIVIE.IamsurethatifIhadthecourageIshouldspendtherestofmylifeintellingeverybodystampingand
brandingitintothemuntiltheyallfelttheirpartinitsabominationasIfeelmine.ThereisnothingIdespisemore
thanthewickedconventionthatprotectsthesethingsbyforbiddingawomantomentionthem.AndyetIcan'ttell
you.Thetwoinfamouswordsthatdescribewhatmymotherisareringinginmyearsandstrugglingonmy
tongue;butIcan'tutterthem:theshameofthemistoohorribleforme.[Sheburiesherfaceinherhands.Thetwo

39
men,astonished,stareatoneanotherandthenather.Sheraisesherheadagaindesperatelyandsnatchesasheetof
paperandapen].Here:letmedraftyouaprospectus.
FRANK.Oh,she'smad.Doyouhear,Viv?mad.Come!pullyourselftogether.
VIVIE.Youshallsee.[Shewrites]."Paidupcapital:notlessthanfortythousandpoundsstandinginthenameof
SirGeorgeCrofts,Baronet,thechiefshareholder.PremisesatBrussels,Ostend,Vienna,andBudapest.Managing
director:MrsWarren";andnowdon'tletusforgetherqualifications:thetwowords.[Shewritesthewordsand
pushesthepapertothem].There!Ohno:don'treadit:don't![Shesnatchesitbackandtearsittopieces;then
seizesherheadinherhandsandhidesherfaceonthetable].
[Frank,whohaswatchedthewritingoverhershoulder,andopenedhiseyesverywidelyatit,takesacardfrom
hispocket;scribblesthetwowordsonit;andsilentlyhandsittoPraed,whoreadsitwithamazement,andhidesit
hastilyinhispocket.]
FRANK[whisperingtenderly]Viv,dear:thatsallright.Ireadwhatyouwrote:sodidPraddy.Weunderstand.
Andweremain,asthisleavesusatpresent,yourseversodevotedly.
PRAED.Wedoindeed,MissWarren.IdeclareyouarethemostsplendidlycourageouswomanIevermet.
[ThissentimentalcomplimentbracesVivie.Shethrowsitawayfromherwithanimpatientshake,andforces
herselftostandup,thoughnotwithoutsomesupportfromthetable.]
FRANK.Don'tstir,Viv,ifyoudon'twantto.Takeiteasy.
VIVIE.Thankyou.Youanalwaysdependonmefortwothings:nottocryandnottofaint.[Shemovesafew
stepstowardsthedooroftheinnerroom,andstopsclosetoPraedtosay]Ishallneedmuchmorecouragethan
thatwhenItellmymotherthatwehavecometoapartingoftheways.NowImustgointothenextroomfora
momenttomakemyselfneatagain,ifyoudon'tmind.
PRAED.Shallwegoaway?
VIVIE.No:I'llbebackpresently.Onlyforamoment.[Shegoesintotheotherroom,Praedopeningthedoorfor
her].
PRAED.Whatanamazingrevelation!I'mextremelydisappointedinCrofts:Iamindeed.
FRANK.I'mnotintheleast.Ifeelhe'sperfectlyaccountedforatlast.Butwhatafacerforme,Praddy!Ican't
marryhernow.
PRAED[sternly]Frank![Thetwolookatoneanother,Frankunruffled,Praeddeeplyindignant].Letmetellyou,
Gardner,thatifyoudeserthernowyouwillbehaveverydespicably.
FRANK.GoodoldPraddy!Everchivalrous!Butyoumistake:it'snotthemoralaspectofthecase:it'sthemoney
aspect.Ireallycan'tbringmyselftotouchtheoldwoman'smoneynow.
PRAED.Andwasthatwhatyouweregoingtomarryon?
FRANK.Whatelse?_I_havn'tanymoney,northesmallestturnformakingit.IfImarriedVivnowshewould
havetosupportme;andIshouldcosthermorethanIamworth.
PRAED.Butsurelyacleverbrightfellowlikeyoucanmakesomethingbyyourownbrains.
FRANK.Ohyes,alittle.[Hetakesouthismoneyagain].Imadeallthatyesterdayinanhourandahalf.ButI
madeitinahighlyspeculativebusiness.No,dearPraddy:evenifBessieandGeorginamarrymillionairesandthe
governordiesaftercuttingthemoffwithashilling,Ishallhaveonlyfourhundredayear.Andhewon'tdieuntil
he'sthreescoreandten:hehasn'toriginalityenough.Ishallbeonshortallowanceforthenexttwentyyears.No
shortallowanceforViv,ifIcanhelpit.IwithdrawgracefullyandleavethefieldtothegildedyouthofEngland.
Sothatsettled.Ishan'tworryheraboutit:I'lljustsendheralittlenoteafterwe'regone.She'llunderstand.
PRAED[graspinghishand]Goodfellow,Frank!Iheartilybegyourpardon.Butmustyouneverseeheragain?
FRANK.Neverseeheragain!Hangitall,bereasonable.Ishallcomealongasoftenaspossible,andbeher
brother.Ican_not_understandtheabsurdconsequencesyouromanticpeopleexpectfromthemostordinary
transactions.[Aknockatthedoor].Iwonderwhothisis.Wouldyoumindopeningthedoor?Ifit'saclientitwill
lookmorerespectablethanifIappeared.
PRAED.Certainly.[Hegoestothedoorandopensit.FranksitsdowninVivie'schairtoscribbleanote].Mydear
Kitty:comein:comein.

40
[MrsWarrencomesin,lookingapprehensivelyaroundforVivie.Shehasdoneherbesttomakeherselfmatronly
anddignified.Thebrillianthatisreplacedbyasoberbonnet,andthegayblousecoveredbyacostlyblacksilk
mantle.Sheispitiablyanxiousandillatease:evidentlypanicstricken.]
MRSWARREN[toFrank]What!Yourehere,areyou?
FRANK[turninginhischairfromhiswriting,butnotrising]Here,andcharmedtoseeyou.Youcomelikea
breathofspring.
MRSWARREN.Oh,getoutwithyournonsense.[Inalowvoice]Where'sVivie?
[Frankpointsexpressivelytothedooroftheinnerroom,butsaysnothing.]
MRSWARREN[sittingdownsuddenlyandalmostbeginningtocry]Praddy:won'tsheseeme,don'tyouthink?
PRAED.MydearKitty:don'tdistressyourself.Whyshouldshenot?
MRSWARREN.Oh,younevercanseewhynot:youretooinnocent.MrFrank:didshesayanythingtoyou?
FRANK[foldinghisnote]She_must_seeyou,if[veryexpressively]youwaittilshecomesin.
MRSWARREN[frightened]Whyshouldn'tIwait?
[Franklooksquizzicallyather;putshisnotecarefullyontheinkbottle,sothatViviecannotfailtofinditwhen
nextshedipsherpen;thenrisesanddevoteshisattentionentirelytoher.]
FRANK.MydearMrsWarren:supposeyouwereasparroweversotinyandprettyasparrowhoppinginthe
roadwayandyousawasteamrollercominginyourdirection,wouldyouwaitforit?
MRSWARREN.Oh,don'tbothermewithyoursparrows.WhatdidsherunawayfromHaslemerelikethatfor?
FRANK.I'mafraidshe'lltellyouifyourashlyawaitherreturn.
MRSWARREN.Doyouwantmetogoaway?
FRANK.No:Ialwayswantyoutostay.ButI_advise_youtogoaway.
MRSWARREN.What!Andneverseeheragain!
FRANK.Precisely.
MRSWARREN[cryingagain]Praddy:don'tlethimbecrueltome.[Shehastilycheckshertearsandwipesher
eyes].She'llbesoangryifsheseesI'vebeencrying.
FRANK[withatouchofrealcompassioninhisairytenderness]YouknowthatPraddyisthesoulofkindness,
MrsWarren.Praddy:whatdoyousay?Goorstay?
PRAED[toMrsWarren]Ireallyshouldbeverysorrytocauseyouunnecessarypain;butIthinkperhapsyouhad
betternotwait.Thefactis[Vivieisheardattheinnerdoor].
FRANK.Sh!Toolate.She'scoming.
MRSWARREN.Don'ttellherIwascrying.[Viviecomesin.ShestopsgravelyonseeingMrsWarren,who
greetsherwithhystericalcheerfulness].Well,dearie.Sohereyouareatlast.
VIVIE.Iamgladyouhavecome:Iwanttospeaktoyou.Yousaidyouweregoing,Frank,Ithink.
FRANK.Yes.Willyoucomewithme,MrsWarren?WhatdoyousaytoatriptoRichmond,andthetheatreinthe
evening?ThereissafetyinRichmond.Nosteamrollerthere.
VIVIE.Nonsense,Frank.Mymotherwillstayhere.
MRSWARREN[scared]Idon'tknow:perhapsI'dbettergo.We'redisturbingyouatyourwork.
VIVIE[withquietdecision]MrPraed:pleasetakeFrankaway.Sitdown,mother.[MrsWarrenobeyshelplessly].
PRAED.Come,Frank.Goodbye,MissVivie.
VIVIE[shakinghands]Goodbye.Apleasanttrip.
PRAED.Thankyou:thankyou.Ihopeso.
FRANK[toMrsWarren]Goodbye:youdeversomuchbetterhavetakenmyadvice.[Heshakeshandswithher.
ThenairilytoVivie]Byebye,Viv.
VIVIE.Goodbye.[Hegoesoutgailywithoutshakinghandswithher].

41
PRAED[sadly]Goodbye,Kitty.
MRSWARREN[snivelling]oobye!
[Praedgoes.Vivie,composedandextremelygrave,sitsdowninHonoria'schair,andwaitsforhermotherto
speak.MrsWarren,dreadingapause,losesnotimeinbeginning.]
MRSWARREN.Well,Vivie,whatdidyougoawaylikethatforwithoutsayingawordtome!Howcouldyoudo
suchathing!AndwhathaveyoudonetopoorGeorge?Iwantedhimtocomewithme;butheshuffledoutofit.I
couldseethathewasquiteafraidofyou.Onlyfancy:hewantedmenottocome.Asif[trembling]Ishouldbe
afraidofyou,dearie.[Vivie'sgravitydeepens].ButofcourseItoldhimitwasallsettledandcomfortablebetween
us,andthatwewereonthebestofterms.[Shebreaksdown].Vivie:whatsthemeaningofthis?[Sheproducesa
commercialenvelope,andfumblesattheenclosurewithtremblingfingers].Igotitfromthebankthismorning.
VIVIE.Itismymonth'sallowance.Theysentittomeasusualtheotherday.Isimplysentitbacktobeplacedto
yourcredit,andaskedthemtosendyouthelodgmentreceipt.InfutureIshallsupportmyself.
MRSWARREN[notdaringtounderstand]Wasn'titenough?Whydidn'tyoutellme?[Withacunninggleamin
hereye]I'lldoubleit:Iwasintendingtodoubleit.Onlyletmeknowhowmuchyouwant.
VIVIE.Youknowverywellthatthathasnothingtodowithit.FromthistimeIgomyownwayinmyown
businessandamongmyownfriends.Andyouwillgoyours.[Sherises].Goodbye.
MRSWARREN[rising,appalled]Goodbye?
VIVIE.Yes:goodbye.Come:don'tletusmakeauselessscene:youunderstandperfectlywell.SirGeorgeCrofts
hastoldmethewholebusiness.
MRSWARREN[angrily]Sillyold[Sheswallowsanepithet,andthenturnswhiteatthenarrownessofher
escapefromutteringit].
VIVIE.Justso.
MRSWARREN.Heoughttohavehistonguecutout.ButIthoughtitwasended:yousaidyoudidn'tmind.
VIVIE[steadfastly]Excuseme:I_do_mind.
MRSWARREN.ButIexplained
VIVIE.Youexplainedhowitcameabout.Youdidnottellmethatitisstillgoingon[Shesits].
[MrsWarren,silencedforamoment,looksforlornlyatVivie,whowaits,secretlyhopingthatthecombatisover.
ButthecunningexpressioncomesbackintoMrsWarren'sface;andshebendsacrossthetable,slyandurgent,
halfwhispering.]
MRSWARREN.Vivie:doyouknowhowrichIam?
VIVIE.Ihavenodoubtyouareveryrich.
MRSWARREN.Butyoudon'tknowallthatthatmeans;youretooyoung.Itmeansanewdresseveryday;it
meanstheatresandballseverynight;itmeanshavingthepickofallthegentlemeninEuropeatyourfeet;it
meansalovelyhouseandplentyofservants;itmeansthechoicestofeatinganddrinking;itmeanseverythingyou
like,everythingyouwant,everythingyoucanthinkof.Andwhatareyouhere?Ameredrudge,toilingand
moilingearlyandlateforyourbarelivingandtwocheapdressesayear.Thinkoverit.[Soothingly]Youre
shocked,Iknow.Icanenterintoyourfeelings;andIthinktheydoyoucredit;buttrustme,nobodywillblame
you:youmaytakemywordforthat.Iknowwhatyounggirlsare;andIknowyoullthinkbetterofitwhenyou've
turneditoverinyourmind.
VIVIE.Sothat'showitisdone,isit?Youmusthavesaidallthattomanyawoman,tohaveitsopat.
MRSWARREN[passionately]WhatharmamIaskingyoutodo?[Vivieturnsawaycontemptuously.Mrs
Warrencontinuesdesperately]Vivie:listentome:youdon'tunderstand:youweretaughtwrongonpurpose:you
don'tknowwhattheworldisreallylike.
VIVIE[arrested]Taughtwrongonpurpose!Whatdoyoumean?
MRSWARREN.Imeanthatyourethrowingawayallyourchancesfornothing.Youthinkthatpeoplearewhat
theypretendtobe:thatthewayyouweretaughtatschoolandcollegetothinkrightandproperisthewaythings
reallyare.Butit'snot:it'sallonlyapretence,tokeepthecowardlyslavishcommonrunofpeoplequiet.Doyou
wanttofindthatout,likeotherwomen,atforty,whenyou'vethrownyourselfawayandlostyourchances;or
won'tyoutakeitingoodtimenowfromyourownmother,thatlovesyouandswearstoyouthatit'struth:gospel

42
truth?[Urgently]Vivie:thebigpeople,thecleverpeople,themanagingpeople,allknowit.TheydoasIdo,and
thinkwhatIthink.Iknowplentyofthem.Iknowthemtospeakto,tointroduceyouto,tomakefriendsoffor
you.Idon'tmeananythingwrong:thatswhatyoudon'tunderstand:yourheadisfullofignorantideasaboutme.
Whatdothepeoplethattaughtyouknowaboutlifeoraboutpeoplelikeme?Whendidtheyevermeetme,or
speaktome,orletanyonetellthemaboutme?thefools!WouldtheyeverhavedoneanythingforyouifIhadn't
paidthem?Havn'tItoldyouthatIwantyoutoberespectable?Havn'tIbroughtyouuptoberespectable?And
howcanyoukeepitupwithoutmymoneyandmyinfluenceandLizzie'sfriends?Can'tyouseethatyourecutting
yourownthroataswellasbreakingmyheartinturningyourbackonme?
VIVIE.IrecognizetheCroftsphilosophyoflife,mother.IhearditallfromhimthatdayattheGardners'.
MRSWARREN.YouthinkIwanttoforcethatplayedoutoldsotonyou!Idon't,Vivie:onmyoathIdon't.
VIVIE.Itwouldnotmatterifyoudid:youwouldnotsucceed.[MrsWarrenwinces,deeplyhurtbytheimplied
indifferencetowardsheraffectionateintention.Vivie,neitherunderstandingthisnorconcerningherselfaboutit,
goesoncalmly]Mother:youdon'tatallknowthesortofpersonIam.Idon'tobjecttoCroftsmorethantoany
othercoarselybuiltmanofhisclass.Totellyouthetruth,Iratheradmirehimforbeingstrongmindedenoughto
enjoyhimselfinhisownwayandmakeplentyofmoneyinsteadoflivingtheusualshooting,hunting,diningout,
tailoring,loafinglifeofhissetmerelybecausealltherestdoit.AndI'mperfectlyawarethatifI'dbeeninthe
samecircumstancesasmyauntLiz,I'dhavedoneexactlywhatshedid.
Idon'tthinkI'mmoreprejudicedorstraitlacedthanyou:IthinkI'mless.I'mcertainI'mlesssentimental.Iknow
verywellthatfashionablemoralityisallapretence,andthatifItookyourmoneyanddevotedtherestofmylife
tospendingitfashionably,Imightbeasworthlessandviciousasthesilliestwomancouldpossiblybewithout
havingawordsaidtomeaboutit.ButIdon'twanttobeworthless.Ishouldn'tenjoytrottingabouttheparkto
advertizemydressmakerandcarriagebuilder,orbeingboredattheoperatoshewoffashopwindowfulof
diamonds.
MRSWARREN[bewildered]But
VIVIE.Waitamoment:I'venotdone.Tellmewhyyoucontinueyourbusinessnowthatyouareindependentof
it.Yoursister,youtoldme,hasleftallthatbehindher.Whydon'tyoudothesame?
MRSWARREN.Oh,it'sallveryeasyforLiz:shelikesgoodsociety,andhastheairofbeingalady.Imagine
_me_inacathedraltown!Why,theveryrooksinthetreeswouldfindmeoutevenifIcouldstandthedulnessof
it.Imusthaveworkandexcitement,orIshouldgomelancholymad.Andwhatelseisthereformetodo?Thelife
suitsme:I'mfitforitandnotforanythingelse.IfIdidn'tdoitsomebodyelsewould;soIdon'tdoanyrealharm
byit.Andthenitbringsinmoney;andIlikemakingmoney.No:it'snouse:Ican'tgiveitupnotforanybody.
Butwhatneedyouknowaboutit?I'llnevermentionit.I'llkeepCroftsaway.I'llnottroubleyoumuch:youseeI
havetobeconstantlyrunningaboutfromoneplacetoanother.YoullbequitofmealtogetherwhenIdie.
VIVIE.No:Iammymother'sdaughter.Iamlikeyou:Imusthavework,andmustmakemoremoneythanI
spend.Butmyworkisnotyourwork,andmywayisnotyourway.Wemustpart.Itwillnotmakemuch
differencetous:insteadofmeetingoneanotherforperhapsafewmonthsintwentyyears,weshallnevermeet:
thatsall.
MRSWARREN[hervoicestifledintears]Vivie:Imeanttohavebeenmorewithyou:Ididindeed.
VIVIE.It'snouse,mother:Iamnottobechangedbyafewcheaptearsandentreatiesanymorethanyouare,I
daresay.
MRSWARREN[wildly]Oh,youcallamother'stearscheap.
VIVIE.Theycostyounothing;andyouaskmetogiveyouthepeaceandquietnessofmywholelifeinexchange
forthem.Whatusewouldmycompanybetoyouifyoucouldgetit?Whathavewetwoincommonthatcould
makeeitherofushappytogether?
MRSWARREN[lapsingrecklesslyintoherdialect]We'remotheranddaughter.Iwantmydaughter.I'vearight
toyou.WhoistocareformewhenI'mold?Plentyofgirlshavetakentomelikedaughtersandcriedatleaving
me;butIletthemallgobecauseIhadyoutolookforwardto.Ikeptmyselflonelyforyou.You'venorighttoturn
onmenowandrefusetodoyourdutyasadaughter.
VIVIE[jarredandantagonizedbytheechooftheslumsinhermother'svoice]Mydutyasadaughter!Ithought
weshouldcometothatpresently.Nowonceforall,mother,youwantadaughterandFrankwantsawife.Idon't
wantamother;andIdon'twantahusband.IhavesparedneitherFranknormyselfinsendinghimabouthis
business.DoyouthinkIwillspareyou?

43
MRSWARREN[violently]Oh,Iknowthesortyouare:nomercyforyourselforanyoneelse._I_know.My
experiencehasdonethatformeanyhow:Icantellthepious,canting,hard,selfishwomanwhenImeether.Well,
keepyourselftoyourself:_I_don'twantyou.Butlistentothis.DoyouknowwhatIwoulddowithyouifyou
wereababyagain?aye,assureasthere'saHeavenaboveus.
VIVIE.Strangleme,perhaps.
MRSWARREN.No:I'dbringyouuptobearealdaughtertome,andnotwhatyouarenow,withyourprideand
yourprejudicesandthecollegeeducationyoustolefromme:yes,stole:denyitifyoucan:whatwasitbut
stealing?I'dbringyouupinmyownhouse,Iwould.
VIVIE[quietly]Inoneofyourownhouses.
MRSWARREN[screaming]Listentoher!listentohowshespitsonhermother'sgreyhairs!Oh,mayyouliveto
haveyourowndaughtertearandtrampleonyouasyouhavetrampledonme.Andyouwill:youwill.Nowoman
everhadluckwithamother'scurseonher.
VIVIE.Iwishyouwouldn'trant,mother.Itonlyhardensme.Come:IsupposeIamtheonlyyoungwomanyou
everhadinyourpowerthatyoudidgoodto.Don'tspoilitallnow.
MRSWARREN.Yes,Heavenforgiveme,it'strue;andyouaretheonlyonethateverturnedonme.Oh,the
injusticeofit!theinjustice!theinjustice!Ialwayswantedtobeagoodwoman.Itriedhonestwork;andIwas
slavedrivenuntilIcursedthedayIeverheardofhonestwork.Iwasagoodmother;andbecauseImademy
daughteragoodwomansheturnsmeoutasifIwerealeper.Oh,ifIonlyhadmylifetoliveoveragain!I'dtalk
tothatlyingclergymanintheschool.Fromthistimeforth,sohelpmeHeaveninmylasthour,I'lldowrongand
nothingbutwrong.AndI'llprosperonit.
VIVIE.Yes:it'sbettertochooseyourlineandgothroughwithit.IfIhadbeenyou,mother,Imighthavedoneas
youdid;butIshouldnothavelivedonelifeandbelievedinanother.Youareaconventionalwomanatheart.That
iswhyIambiddingyougoodbyenow.Iamright,amInot?
MRSWARREN[takenaback]Righttothrowawayallmymoney!
VIVIE.No:righttogetridofyou?Ishouldbeafoolnotto.Isn'tthatso?
MRSWARREN[sulkily]Ohwell,yes,ifyoucometothat,Isupposeyouare.ButLordhelptheworldif
everybodytooktodoingtherightthing!AndnowI'dbettergothanstaywhereI'mnotwanted.[Sheturnstothe
door].
VIVIE[kindly]Won'tyoushakehands?
MRSWARREN[afterlookingatherfiercelyforamomentwithasavageimpulsetostrikeher]No,thankyou.
Goodbye.
VIVIE[matteroffactly]Goodbye.[MrsWarrengoesout,slammingthedoorbehindher.ThestrainonVivie's
facerelaxes;hergraveexpressionbreaksupintooneofjoyouscontent;herbreathgoesoutinahalfsob,half
laughofintenserelief.Shegoesbuoyantlytoherplaceatthewritingtable;pushestheelectriclampoutofthe
way;pullsoveragreatsheafofpapers;andisintheactofdippingherpenintheinkwhenshefindsFrank'snote.
Sheopensitunconcernedlyandreadsitquickly,givingalittlelaughatsomequaintturnofexpressioninit].And
goodbye,Frank.[Shetearsthenoteupandtossesthepiecesintothewastepaperbasketwithoutasecondthought.
Thenshegoesatherworkwithaplunge,andsoonbecomesabsorbedinitsfigures].

44