Marriage will always be, at least in part, a leap of faith. There will be surprises.

Youll never avoid

them all. Preparing for marriage is very different than the mentalities that this culture gives us and
says, Date around. Explore all of these relationships. Give your heart to one person after the next,
and thats how you prepare for marriage. When it comes to cultural messages about marriage, we
are similar to being scammed. We are being sold ideas that contain "fine print," setting up couples
for failure long before they walk down the aisle. Here are some of the popular marriage messages
(scams) that have saturated our culture:

Marriage is easy when you find "the one."

Conflict is a sign of a troubled relationship.
Your spouse should automatically know what you need.
Living together is a great way to see if you're compatible.
Your spouse will "complete" you.
Marriage is about being happy.

As wonderful as those messages may sound, the faulty beliefs create unrealistic expectations that
undermine the foundation of a marriage relationship.

Gods way of preparing for marriage is completely different. It is God who authored love and
marriages and therefore, He cannot be given just a small part in the picture.

Loved and loving

One of the greatest truths I've learned about marriage is that one doesn't need his or her spouse to
love him/her. It may sound counterintuitive maybe even opposite of what you have been taught
about relationships. The truth is that your need to be loved has already been satisfied by the right
source your heavenly Father. A spouse will never be the source of love in your life. That's God's
role exclusively! Throughout the Bible, we are constantly reminded of God's love. Consider
Jeremiah 31:3 where God tells His people, "I have loved you with an everlasting love"; Ephesians 5:1
addresses us as "Beloved children"; and Romans 8:39 promises that "nothing in all creation will be
able to separate us from the love of God."

Therefore, instead of spending time, effort and energy trying to get a spouse to love you, your job
will be to learn to love your spouse. This truth is a significant shift from the cultural message that is
scamming you into believing that your greatest need is to be loved. 1 John 4:11 tells us, "Beloved, if
God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." Note that the verse begins by calling us beloved.
This is a great phrase that means "much loved." Then, before the main point is even made, we get a
quick reminder that God loves us. Finally, our job is defined: love others. Apparently, before we can
love others, we need reassurance that we are loved.

In spite of all the cultural scams and myths about marriage, the real job your heavenly Father has
asked of you can be summed up in John 13:34: "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one
another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another." To love your spouse is your
destiny in married life.

Serving and sacrifice

So, what will loving your spouse truly look like? One word kept coming up: sacrifice. This same
message is expressed in John 15:13 when Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this, that
someone lay down his life for his friends."

Now, let me clarify that sacrifice is different than service. I believe that serving means to perform a
duty, to assist or to do something helpful for your spouse. It's similar to the word helper found in
Genesis 2:18, "The Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helper
fit for him.' " Adam wasn't lonely, but God recognized his need for help. So God created Eve. Serving
each other will be an important part of married life.

Sacrifice, on the other hand, requires giving up something that you value (that is, your time, money,
comfort, desire, etc.). Applied to marriage, this implies giving up something for the sake of someone
else who you consider to have a greater value.

It is easier to serve, to help out or to assist, than it is to sacrifice. There are two passages in the Bible
that instruct us to do something every day. One is found in Hebrews 3:13 where we're told to
"exhort one another every day," and the other is found in Luke 9:23 where Jesus tells us to "take up
[your] cross daily." "Taking up my cross" refers to laying down my life my selfish desires to
serve my partner. Daily sacrifice is the evidence of love.

If you think about it, the very act of getting married is a selfless decision. As a husband or a wife,
you voluntarily commit to abide by very clear instructions given by God. Husbands are instructed to
love their wife just as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). And wives are asked to voluntarily
submit to their husband's leadership as they do to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). Both spouses are
being asked to make great sacrifices.

The most important thing when youre marrying is character. If someone is of good character and
loves God, you can work through pretty much anything. Theyll be able to hear from God, theyll
want to please God, and even if you have a big roadblock, theyll likely try to solve it well. If
someone has a weak character, though, no matter how much you love them, youre going to run into
some major problems.

Preparing for marriage, then, is largely about two things: making sure his character is good, and
making sure you work together in the day-to-day.

Here are some suggestions on how to do that:

Do LIFE Together

Dont do dating things. Do life things.

Heres the difference. Dating says, lets get together every Tuesday and Saturday and go out to a
movie and dinner, or catch a concert in a park, or go for ice cream.
Its all very lovely, but it tells you virtually nothing about how you will actually work on a day-to-
day basis once youre married. Knowing how your fiance acts when youre out to dinner really
doesnt tell you how theyll act normally.

Once youre starting to get serious about someone, then, stop making romantic things the basis of
your relationship, and start just living life. Go grocery shopping together. Cook dinner together. If
youre in school, hang out together for a few hours and just study together. Go to church together.
Go to Bible study together. Do errands together.

Spend as much time as possible together that is unplanned. This lets you see what your
boyfriend/fiance does when they have nothing particular planned. Since most of your life when
youre married will be like that, you want to see what its like now.

Red Flags:

Playing video games all the time

Not wanting to spend hang out time with you, because he only wants to hang out with
the guys
Never having a hobby he wants to do with you. If you cant exercise together, or collect
something together, then chances are youll have nothing to do together once youre
married, either.
Never doing normal things. If, in all the time you spend together, he never has the
initiative to fix a leaky faucet, to clean a bathroom, to repaint a peeling deck, then its
unlikely hes going to want to devote his Saturdays to that once hes married, either. If he
likes you hanging out so that you can clean his place while he relaxes, thats likely what your
weekends will look like, too.

Pursue God Together

God needs to be the center of your marriage. All of us run into issues when were married, and if we
put God on His rightful place, then we have a common basis so that we can solve it. You can talk
about what God wants. You can talk about whats wrong and whats right. You can pray together
and get other people to pray with you.

When you dont have a common faith, you cant deal with bad things like gambling, drinking,
pornography, etc.

And when you dont have a common strong faith, its very, very hard to pass on that faith to your
children.

So while youre getting to know each other, dont just go to church together. Go to a small group
Bible study together, whether its through church, through a campus ministry, or whatever. Pray
together. Read a chapter of the Bible every time youre together. You dont have to do an in-depth
study, but if you bring God into your life now, then it shows that your fiance actually wants God
there. Dont take church-going as a sign about whether or not hes close to God. Look for more.
And pray with him! Many people dont like praying out loud, but even if its just sentence prayers,
show that you need it to be part of your relationship. If you cant do it now, you wont do it when
youre married.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment, be sure to pray your way through it!

Red Flags:

He never talks about God outside of church

If you bring up God, he doesnt really have an opinion
You never see him reading his Bible
He has no interest in prayer

Volunteer Together

Get out of the house and do something together! This helps you run from temptation (because it
will get harder to wait until youre married to make love the closer to the wedding you get) and it
helps you to see if he is motivated to help others.

It may be teaching Sunday school or youth group, it may be belonging to a music team at church, it
may be something in your community. But find something to do.

Red Flag:

If he has no interest in helping others, he likely is very self-focused and wont want to help others in
your married life, either. If its important to you that hes involved in your childrens lives and
activities, then make sure that hes willing to sacrifice his own free time now, too.

Blend Your Families

When were dating, all that seems to matter is just the two of you. Once youre married, his family
becomes your family, and youll never be alone in the same way again.

Take the initiative to get to know his family. If they dont live near you, suggest Skype dates. Have
him get to know your family as well. See how he fits. If your family is important to you, then make
sure that he actually enjoys being with them and makes an effort, rather than making you feel guilty
for wanting to spend time with siblings.

Red Flags:

If he takes no interest in getting to know your family, or constantly criticizes them, he will
not want to spend time with them once youre married, and will likely resent the time you
spend with them.
If he does errands for his parents, but refuses to do any for you, he could be too attached to
his own family. Again, thats unlikely to change once youre married.
 If he spends significant amounts of time with his family, but refuses to spend time with
yours, makes excuses, or resents you for wanting to be with your family, then this will
become a constant source of stress later, too. As much as possible, you should be able to
spend equal times with each family without this being a source of conflict now. If it is, thats
a problem.

Blend Your Money

Obviously you cant completely blend your money before youre married, but you can create a
budget, a debt repayment schedule, and a savings schedule. In fact, you should.

Watch how s/he spends money. Is s/he careful with money, or does s/he not care about debt? Does
s/he work hard for his money? Is s/he motivated to provide and/or support?

Red Flags:

If he wont talk about whether or not he has debt, be careful. You both should fully disclose
your financial situation before you marry.
If he spends money he doesnt seem to have, and doesnt like budgeting, this will likely
continue into your marriage.

Identify a Mentor Couple

Usually people go to counseling and hear all the warnings, but they go in one ear and out the other
because people think, thats not about us. Were actually IN LOVE. We wont experience that.

Its more important to have things in place so that when problems come after you get married, you
have a way of dealing with them.

Identify a mentor couple that you can talk with periodically for your first years of being together.

Red Flags:

If he refuses to do counseling or find a couple because we dont need that, thats likely a
sign hes unwilling to talk about deep issues.

Wait for Sex

Having sex before youre married does nothing to make sure youre sexually compatible. And
couples who wait to have sex until theyre married have better sex afterwards. Please, wait until the
wedding. And of course, we do not want unplanned babies that would expedite all our marriage and
family plans, and on some part, alter it.

Red Flags:

If he insists on sex now, or pushes your boundaries, hes unlikely to be able to wait for
important things afterwards, too.
 If you spend all of your time now making out, and very little doing important things, then
your relationship may be built more on physical intimacy than spiritual and emotional
intimacy. And that doesnt bode well for the long run.

Falling in love is a heady time. Its easy for our emotions to get the better of us. But choosing whom
to marry is such a crucial decision. Dont base it on feelings. Really get to know the other person,
and take time to assess his character in a number of situations. You dont get another chance at this,
so do it right now, so that when you walk down that aisle, youre confident that this is truly the
person that God has for you.

We all must encourage young adults toward the goal of marriage and it must be clear about the
necessity of holiness and obedience to Christ at every stage and in every season of life. When the
world around us is scratching its head, asking what has happened to marriage, we must display the
glory of God in marriage and all that God gives to us in the marital covenant.