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Contents
Never Needy: How to Express Your Needs Without Sounding Needy ............. 4
Neediness Is a State Of Mind ............................................................................ 6
The Needy Vibe ............................................................................................... 10
So whats the solution then? ............................................................................ 13
Fear of Loss ..................................................................................................... 16
Show Up Happy: Dont Look to a Relationship to Make You Happy ............. 20
How to Encourage Him to Meet Your Needs Without Being Needy ............ 22
How to Get a Man to Do Anything For You ....................................................24
The Magic Formula ........................................................................................ 28
Final Thoughts ................................................................................................ 33
Follow Us On Social Media! ............................................................................ 35
Facebook ...................................................................................................... 35
Instagram..................................................................................................... 35
Snapchat ...................................................................................................... 35

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 Never Needy:
How to Express Your Needs Without
Sounding Needy
There's no faster way to repel a man than to need him. Wanting a
man is not the same as needing one.

Neediness is a state of mind where you feel incomplete, or have an

emotional void, and try to fill this empty space with a relationship
or male validation. A lot of women confuse mens aversion to
neediness with mens supposed aversion to commitment. But men
arent commitment-phobes (at least, the majority are not). A man
will happily enter into a relationship with a woman
who sees and appreciates him for exactly who he is. Conversely,
a man will run far away from a woman who sees him as an
opportunity to feel good about herself or fill some void.

When a woman starts acting needy, especially in the beginning of a

relationship, it shows up as the ultimate red flag. Its not even a
logical decision. Neediness is synonymous with emotional
dependency, as in: This woman is dependent on the guy in order
to feel good about herself.

A guy wants to feel chosen by a woman he had to earn. He

doesn't want to feel like he's just filling a spot that could have
easily gone to any other man with a pulse.

Neediness usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or sense of

worth. You feel like something is missing within yourself, or in your
life, and erroneously believe a relationship will be the cure. The
important thing to realize is if you were unhappy before the
relationship, you'll be unhappy in it.

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In this book, were going to clear up the confusion regarding what
neediness actually is, what causes it, how to eliminate it, and how
to get your needs met in a relationship without being needy.

5
 Neediness Is a State Of Mind
We get asked a lot about what it takes to have a successful
relationship and the first thing we say is this: Liberate yourself
from neediness.

Life in the western world is becoming increasingly isolating with all

of the new forms of entertainment and communication. Even
though were constantly stimulated, and its easier to connect
than ever before, most people feel alone and are lacking in
connections that are real and genuine. A real person-to-person
relationship is as real and genuine as it gets. And the truth is,
people are starving for that level of real and genuine
communication. So when the prospect of a relationship or deeper
connection shows up, men and women who are starving for it end
up acting desperately and clinging to the relationship as if its the
one and only source of joy in their life and maybe it is.

Sadly, desperation and clinging kills relationships. It smothers the

life out of the love and connection because when a
person needs the other person to constantly respond to them in a
certain way they start acting needy.

More than a set of behaviors, neediness is a state of mind and it

can utterly destroy a relationship. It happens to guys and to girls.

If you want love to come into your life, you cant have the attitude
that you need love like you need oxygen or you need food. Youd
like it. Youd enjoy it. However, you dont need it. And you arent
incomplete without it.

Neediness is a state of mind that believes you need to have

someone respond to you in a specific way (through actions, through
what they say, through promises they make to you, etc.) and if

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they dont respond to you in that way, youll be emotionally
distraught.

The needy mindset actually makes love impossible. Its a mindset

that believes worrying about a relationship equals putting
energy into the relationship (this is a flawed thought). Its a
mindset that fixates on extracting validation and proof that the
other person cares about you, instead of filling the relationship with
fun, positive, comfortable energy (this is a flawed strategy). And
most importantly, its a mindset that believes that you need the
other person in order to feel OK, even though you were fine before
you started dating them (this is similar to a drug addiction and
withdrawal pangs bad news.)

Worrying about appearing needy stems from actual true

neediness. Expressing your thoughts and feelings is not needy,
needing to extract a specific reaction from the other person is.

Dont worry so much about doing things that will appear needy.
Worry about being in a needy headspace/mindset.

Theres nothing wrong with being nervous or excited about a guy.

Being excited about a new person is great and fun. But when you
believe that youre not enough for him, or that he will give you
something special that you dont already have within yourself, or
that hes the key to your happiness, then that is a surefire route to
being in a needy mindset (since youll start to fear that you could
lose him, then endlessly analyze his actions for reassurance as to
whether or not hell leave you, which becomes a vicious cycle of
very negative emotions and, as a result, the negative cycle of
thinking kills your mood, which kills your attractive vibe).

Wanting in general causes problems. When you want, you

immediately focus on a lack, you feel a void within yourself and you
think a relationship will fill it. It won't.

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Were not saying it's bad to want a relationship or get married, but
you have to take the focus off the wanting (which turns
into needing) and put it on the experiencing. Focus on enjoying
each moment of your life instead of questioning where it will lead.

If you want a future with him, a part of your mind gets activated
and plots and plans and thinks of ways things could go wrong. It
creates a frantic mindset where you're trying to account for and
circumvent all the potential pitfalls. It may seem innocent, like
you're just excited about the possibilities, but when your mind
starts to go into overdrive and you begin to overly invest in this
fantasy future, you heighten the stakes and the dynamic of the
relationship suddenly shifts.

When you want something from the other person, you're missing
out on the relationship with them. You are in your head and while
you might not be conscious of it, you are in agenda mode. When
you're not trying to get something, you won't strategize, won't
chase, and won't force it to work. You will instead be able to just
enjoy the relationship and take it for what it is from one moment to
the next.

Whether youre in a relationship or not, the best strategy (for

relationships and life in general) is always to focus on appreciating
what you have rather than dwelling on what you want.

Now youre knee-jerk reaction might be: Oh so what? Were

supposed to be emotional robots with no feelings or desires and
just accept anything a guy is doing without complaint?

No, that is not what were saying at all.

Its perfectly normal and healthy to want a relationship with all the
good qualities: connection, chemistry, understanding, intimacy,
attentiveness and on and on.

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You can have it all, too, but you dont get it from needing it. You
create a relationship with those qualities by inspiring those things
within the relationship.

The problem with neediness is that instead of inspiring all of those

positive relationship qualities, the needy person acts as if their
partner is denying them those good relationship qualities like
theyre entitled to them and their partner is cruelly withholding it.

You can avoid ever being needy when you just make sure to live a
full, interesting and engaging life that you love regardless of
whether or not youre in a relationship.

You will inevitably act needy when you believe you need a guy in
order to feel OK and, in turn, constantly seek reassurance that your
guy is happy with you. Theres nothing wrong with simply enjoying
being with a guy, liking a guy, or wanting a guy.

Its the needing thats the problem that is to say, believing that
you need this guy to live, to be happy, to survive, to be OK, to be
complete, etc. You dont need that guy or any guy you just want
him. Just remember that and youll be fine.

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 The Needy Vibe
As we mentioned, neediness is a state of mind, not any specific
action or actions. Its the feeling that if you dont get some kind of
emotional reassurance or validation from another person, then you
wont be OK.

Neediness is crippling to the quality of any relationship (whether its

a man or woman acting needy) and its something you need to
prevent from creeping into your mind at all costs.

Lets use texting to demonstrate how a needy mindset can damage

an interaction. Guys are guaranteed to ignore needy texts. Its not
out of cruelty; most men intuitively know its an insatiable
relationship monster that they dont ever want to feed
(metaphorically speaking).

Think of it like this: The emotional state (or mood, or vibe) that
leads to you sending a needy text creates a text that wont feel
good to the guy.

How do you know when youre sending a needy text? Simple: The
feeling you had that lead to you texting wasnt a good (purely
good) feeling. At best it was 90% good, 10% negative. Or at
worst, it was 100% negative. Its not about the words on the
screen, its about the feeling you had as you sent it.

It could be that feeling of fear in the pit of your stomach that

maybe hes losing interest, so you think of something casual to
send him, hoping he replies with a shot of validation for you so you
can relax. Youre not texting him because hes someone you like
and you want to connect, youre texting him because you need
something from him and if he doesnt respond the way you need
him to, then you will fall into despair.

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Its an amazing part of human psychology, but we have a sixth
sense that picks up on someones vibe, we can just feel where
theyre coming from.

For example, if a woman is in a relationship and she is drowning in

worry, insecurity, and fear about her relationship, she might
frantically send a text to her guy that says, I love you baby, and
then anxiously wait by her phone for hours on end.

When the guy receives the text, he will feel the vibe behind the
words. He will know the emotional place it was sent from. Now
before you think were going too far with this and suggesting men
can read your mind, theres actually a very grounded, logical
reason for this: Human beings dont respond to actions in a
vacuum. They experience a person as a whole picture. When
someone is experiencing negative thoughts, it leads to them having
a negative vibe. And when someone has a negative vibe, they will
unconsciously do things that broadcast their bad vibe to others.

Our broadcasting of our bad vibe is outside of our awareness its

extremely subtle. Much of what broadcasts your vibe happens in
microscopic moments a micro-facial expression or a pause for
just too long at a key moment can be all it takes to broadcast your
vibe through a megaphone. So in the case of a needy text, he can
feel that this text was out-of-step with the vibe that hes picking up
from of you. He can plainly see that you sent it as a desperate plea
for reassurance.

While the guy might feel bad for you and throw you a bone, we
need to clearly highlight what that translates to: when a guy feels
bad for you, he feels bad.

Having a guy do or say something from a place of feeling bad

(whether or not its feeling bad for you) is his poisonous reaction to
your poisonous, bad-vibe-inspired behavior.

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The solution to all of this is not finding a way to hide all your micro
broadcasting of your vibe. You dont need to follow certain rules
and wait X amount of time before texting him back and not use
certain words or only hang out with him on certain days of the
week.

The key is to address your vibe directly: find the path of living,
thinking, and looking at things that feels completely and purely
good to you. Drop all that does not.

Now lets look at that same text from a different angle. Lets say a
woman is having a great morning and she sees something that
reminds her of her guy. She thinks of something funny hed say if
he were there with her and she smiles. She picks up her phone and
texts, I love you baby. You can expect that the moment he sees
that text, hell text her right back with, I love you too.

When a person believes they need the other person to respond to

them in a certain way, or be a certain way, they have a constant
agenda to create those behaviors in the other person.

In other words, instead of being present and focusing on your

partner directly, youre focused on your intent to make them
respond to you in a certain way. Worse, youre constantly
preoccupied with worries, fears, and frustrations about if
they dont act the way youd like them to act.

When you realize your focus is totally on your own wants and fears
in that mindset, then you can see how this would be a constant
drain on the relationship. Instead of putting energy and juice into
the relationship, youre constantly focused on squeezing the energy
and juice out of the relationship. It doesnt take long before the
well runs dry in those cases.

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 So whats the solution then?
Trust us, we understand that relationships can feel like emotional
roller coasters. Its healthy and natural to want things within your
relationship. Why else would you be with the person if you truly
wanted nothing?

Wanting is fine, but needing to have them act a certain way, say
certain things, or do things a certain way for you isnt fine. The key
problem is the belief that you need it versus the truth, which is that
you want it.

The key that solves this whole issue is: Fulfillment within your own
life. That is, if you look at your life and you feel unfulfilled, or you
feel like theres a huge emotional hole, its only natural to want to
fill that emotional void.

This becomes a problem when you try to find a relationship to fill

that emotional void. Ironically, the key skill to being excellent at
finding and having love is being able to be completely happy and
emotionally fulfilled on your own.

In a way, being good at being selfish is a key to having love in your

life. Its about knowing what makes you feel truly happy and
fulfilled without depending on anyone else to make you feel that
way.

Theres a great side benefit too: Women who are happy and fulfilled
appear far more attractive to men than women who do not.

There have been great studies done on attractiveness and

happiness. When you are happy and fulfilled, your relaxed positive
demeanor comes across as dramatically more attractive than when
you do not feel happy or fulfilled with your life. So if you want to

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find love and keep it, make it your mission to smile often, love your
life, and love yourself.

Lets quickly talk about that last point: Love yourself.

As part of being ready for love, you must love yourself. This is
essential because people subconsciously take cues on how they
should feel about you based on how you come across to them and
how you come across is determined by how you feel about yourself.

If youre constantly putting yourself down, hating things about

yourself, and feeling miserable about yourself in general, then other
people will subconsciously experience those feelings about you as
well.

However, the good news is that if you learn to feel good about
yourself, love everything about yourself, and own who you are with
pride, then others will subconsciously feel that energy as well.
Theyll feel love for you and theyll feel proud to know you.

The fact is, you can feel anything you want to feel about yourself
it all just comes down to what you really want others to feel about
you. If you want them to feel love for you, feel love for yourself. If
you want them to think youre sexy, feel sexy about yourself. If
you want them to respect you, feel respect for yourself.

It takes practice and it requires that you cut off any negative
thought-habits you used to have and replace them with new
thoughts that lead in the direction you want to go. Its worth it,
though. How much effort would you put into changing your mind if
it meant that other people would feel exactly the way youve always
wanted to feel about you not to mention, youll feel better than
youve ever felt before?

When were in a mind state where we feel happy, whole, and

fulfilled with our life, we naturally give and love others without
needing anything from them in return. It is our human nature to

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want to love and give to those that we appreciate, so long as we
feel happy and fulfilled ourselves. You know that you are on the
right track when you can love freely without an expectation or need
for anything in return.

When you can appreciate the other person and enjoy them
without needing them, thats when love becomes easy and
effortless. Thats when love really begins to take shape and
blossom without you having to do anything.

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 Fear of Loss
What's the deadly mindset/perspective that will guarantee you act
needy? It's believing that you could "lose something" or that
something could happen that would create a "lack of something" in
your life. At the heart of it, it's a fear of loss.

When you believe that you could lose something, you'll instinctively
shrink inside and it will take the wind out of your sails. That feeling
does not feel good, and the source of it is how you're thinking
about your situation, its your perspective.

Living a lifestyle that leads you towards neediness is the

fundamental mistake in most cases. Specifically, this is a lifestyle
where you fixate on the relationship as your one and only source of
happiness and fulfillment then an overwhelming fear of
loss arrests your daily mood, and before you know it your focus is
on doing whatever it takes to make sure that you dont lose the
relationship.

In other words, the focus is not on enjoying the other person. The
focus is on fear and loss. That is the heart of neediness and you can
end up stuck in that pit when fear of loss takes over your mind.

When youre in a needy mind state, you constantly focus on and

fantasize about what youll get from your relationship. You picture
romantic moments with him, you imagine hearing him say loving
and heartfelt words to you, and you fantasize about feeling his deep
and burning love for you.

The other side of this is that you may constantly fear the loss of
those romantic moments, the thought of him no longer saying
those words, or the thought of losing that feeling of love. When
you are in a needy mind state, fear rules you constantly the only

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question is how intensely you are feeling that fear at any given
moment.

So what's the root cause of this destructive force of fixation? How

can you completely banish it from your love life so love has a
chance to flourish and grow?

The cause and solution are both simple. Simple, however, does not
always translate to easy.

The root cause of fixation comes from you perceiving that the
present relationship situation could somehow lead you to lack or
loss in some way. And, as a response, you feel a fear of loss. So,
in short, the root cause is your perspective and the fear of loss you
feel as a consequence.

This fear of loss is entirely based on how you're looking at the

situation.

Similar to a good, loving relationship, a healthy perspective feels

effortless and feels good. When you are living within an unhealthy
perspective, your thoughts on that subject will feel bad. If the way
you're thinking about things makes you feel bad, you're on the
wrong track.

You know the feeling were describing. Its that feeling of doom and
dread that resides in the pit of your stomach the one that wont
let you relax and instead keeps you constantly on guard waiting for
the other shoe to drop.

If there's any area of life that is adversely affected by your beliefs

the most, its relationships. You can get by financially, physically,
and even socially with negative, self-defeating beliefs haunting you
every step of the way.

But love... love dredges up all that is unloved within us. If you
have a negative perspective or negative beliefs haunting you, your

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love life will drag all of these issues to the surface and force you to
deal with them, head on.

Most people in our society are not educated in inner or outer love.
And what's worse is that magazines and books are often designed
to make you buy more solutions (be it make-up, hair products,
clothing, liposuction, etc.) so that you'll somehow be good
enough for a relationship or love. A lot of so-called resources end
up leading the thirsty further into the desert, thats just a sad fact
about the society we live in.

In order to break out of the fear of loss mentality, you have to

consider what a relationship actually is. A relationship isnt a thing
to be lost and acquired. It isnt a measure of worth or a measure of
you as a person. The culture we live in has you convinced that if
you just do certain tricks or mind games then you get a
relationship as if the relationship was a possession to be acquired.

This is a ridiculous concept to even consider because theres no

relationship to be gotten. The relationship is your moment-to-
moment interaction with that person there is no destination, no
thing to get. This is why when a guy says, It is what it is in
regards to a relationship hes actually making a profoundly accurate
statement. So regardless of whether or not you really like a guy or
not, your relationship with him is what it is. Theres nowhere to
get to and nothing to get. You already have it in that moment
theres no fantasy to bring to reality, no wishes and wants to come
to fruition it already is as it is.

Next, lets talk about not wanting to agitate or pressure the other
person. A lot of women have this fear when it comes to having the
talk or taking the relationship to the next relationship milestone. A
lot of women feel afraid of rocking to boat, or of seeming needy. Or
maybe they just dont want to upset their guy. Thats a fine
motivation. However, more often than not, its not consideration
that keeps people from having tough relationship discussions. Its
fear.

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Most people would rather nurse their ideal relationship image in
their mind than have a tough discussion and possibly have their
fantasy bubble burst. Put simply, most people fall in love with
their hope for what the relationship could be, and they avoid any
talk that could ruin that fantasy.

It doesnt matter what you want the relationship to be. If you cant
acknowledge where it actually is at the present moment, theres no
way youll be able to make decisions that will lead to a better place.

If you talk about your relationship and give him the space to
honestly answer with his thoughts, hell tell you what his thoughts
are. Sometimes your answer is contained in what he doesnt say;
sometimes its clear as day on the surface.

All you have to do is listen and accept it. Sounds simple, but youd
be amazed at how frequently people mess this up. They hear an
answer that they dont want to hear and instead of saying, OK,
thats disappointing because I hoped the answer would be
different but thank you for your honesty, they go digging for
some tiny sliver of hope that theres still a chance for their
relationship fantasy to come true.

In order to treat and eliminate the neediness state of mind, men

and women need to start living more happy, more fulfilling, more
enjoyable lives. When you are in this place, there really is nothing
to fear and a relationship endng wont feel like the end of your
world. Youll be able to accept reality with grace and let go of things
not meant for you without a fight. Relationships work best when
theyre the icing on the cake, so to speak. When your life is so
full and enjoyable that youd be OK with or without a
relationship, then you are in the position to truly connect with your
partner on the deepest, most genuine level because you are
liberated from neediness.

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Show Up Happy: Dont Look to a Relationship
to Make You Happy
A big mistake we see women make all too often is expecting a
relationship to be their source of happiness and self-esteem. This is
totally backwards. Happiness is something you bring into a
relationship, not something you extract from it,

You need to show up in the relationship happy, fulfilled, and secure

if you want it to last. This might be particularly hard for you at this
point since you might be worried about your relationship collapsing
and that worry is poisoning your mood and mental state. We realize
its tough, but it is crucial to stand on a firm foundation
emotionally. All too often we see women who are unfulfilled,
unhappy, or insecure jump into a relationship and start to look to
the relationship as the Holy Grail of happiness in their life.

They fixate entirely on their relationship and use it as an emotional

crutch their relationship gives them relief from all of their
negative beliefs about themselves, which temporarily makes them
feel fulfilled, secure, and happy.

Despite whatever negative beliefs she had about men, about

herself, or about love, the new man in her life gives her
reassurance that her negative perspective is no longer real and
she therefore experiences a tremendous feeling of relief. Its as if
her mind says, Hallelujah! Im free. All of the horrible fears I had
about love and life werent true after all! Yippee! The problem is,
because the woman never actually dropped her negative beliefs
about herself, men, relationships, and so forth, this relief she
experiences (and the honeymoon phase euphoria that came with it)
is short-lived.

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Inevitably something happensand then comes the worry. Maybe
the guy didnt text back right away, or he said something that
sounded negative. And very quickly she goes from that happy,
love-filled woman to an insecure mess, analyzing every detail of the
relationship and desperately clinging to every little clue that may
signal he does truly care. Its as if her mind says, Oh wait a
minute, maybe I was wrong. Maybe all those negative things I
believe really are true and this isnt really the relationship of my
dreams.

Thats when the big shift happens you go from effortlessly filling
the relationship with your positive energy, to constantly needing to
suck reassurance and confidence out of the relationship. You go
from being fun and easy to be around to being an insecure mess of
emotions, desperately reacting to every one of the guys actions
and chasing the relationship.

The truth is, underneath all this emotional drama, the cause of it
wasnt the guy at all. The wonderful feelings she experienced at
the start of the relationship werent because of the guy they were
because she allowed herself to drop all of the thoughts that made
her feel bad and, in the absence of those oppressive thoughts, she
experienced the joy and happiness that is always present in life if
we just allow ourselves to experience it.

The quickest and easiest solution is to first make sure you have a
fulfilling, happy and secure life. So that means having your own
hobbies and fulfilling activities, going out with your female friends
and having fun instead of staying in, hoping that hell call you. And
that means either handling what you dont like about yourself or
finally owning it. It will take work, there is no way around it. And it
is a life-long process, you dont just cross some imaginary finish
line toward happiness. You constantly need to be doing things to fill
up your happiness tank. The good news is happiness begets
happiness. Once you get into a groove and learn how to live a
fulfilling life, it will become second nature.

21
 How to Encourage Him to Meet Your Needs
Without Being Needy
Here is a truth about men that may surprise you: men want to
give and to make you happy. That is actually one of the strongest
driving forces in a man to make the woman hes with happy.

Now you may be thinking, That doesnt make any sense, I tell him
what will make me happy and he wont do it! Well, while men want
to make you happy, they dont want is to be bossed around and
told what to do. In relationships, its not what you say, its the way
you say it that makes all the difference.

When a woman tells a man what to do, she is essentially

emasculating him by taking away the very thing that makes him
feel significant: his ability to provide. When you boss him around,
he feels like a failure for not being able to do his job. Rather than
wanting to do more for you, he feels defeated and retreats.

Thats not to say you should just let him do whatever he wants and
not say a peep. There is a right way to encourage a guy to meet
your fundamental needs, but it has to be done in a way that
empowers him, not in a way that makes him feel like a failure.

If you appreciate your man and are able to see him for who he is
and love him for being that person, flaws and all, you are
empowering him. When a woman is in a good place emotionally,
she can empower her man effortlessly because it comes naturally
to her. She brings out the best in him because she is coming from a
place of love, not a place of control. She doesn't need him to
validate her sense of self or be the one to heal her from her painful
past. She is with him because she wants to be, not because she
has some agenda.

22
Men want to feel manly and significant. They want to do things that
will make you happy, it's just in their nature to be that way.
However, a man will only want to give to a woman who can happily
receive what he has to offer, not one who is going to make
unnecessary demands in order to feel good about herself and
secure in the relationship. A woman who tries to get this assurance
from the outside will always be unsatisfied, and there is nothing
more unappealing to a man than an unhappy woman.

The trick is to tell him what you want in a way that makes him feel
good. Men appreciate it when you tell them how to make you
happy, as long as it's done in the right way. The right way does not
include nagging, guilting, lecturing, or shaming. It entails lovingly
telling him what you like and what you want in a way that makes
him feel good. Framing something as, "I really love it when you "
rather than "Why don't you ever " is a good place to start.

Men want and appreciate knowing what makes you happy. You just
have to convey it lovingly and make it obvious. A facial expression
or tone of voice or secret code is not the way to communicate
things to your man.

Dont get angry because he cant read your mind. When you lecture
a man or come down on him for what he's doing wrong, he feels
like a failure. He also feels like a little kid being scolded by mommy
for misbehaving. When you tell him what you want in positive way,
framing it in terms of what hes doing right, he feels good about
doing it and good about himself because he knows how to make
you happy.

23
 How to Get a Man to Do Anything For You
Here is a common relationship scenario that any woman who has
ever been in a relationship has most likely experienced:

Your guy isn't doing something you want him to do (and know he's
capable

of doing). You call him out on it and he withdraws, and not only
does he not do the thing you asked, he may even do the opposite.

For instance, let's say a guy was a texting machine in the beginning
of the relationship, but then as the relationship progressed, the
number of daily texts started to drop.

The woman really misses the good old days of constant texts. She
knows he's capable of it, she's unhappy that he no longer does it,
so in her mind the logical thing to do is say something to him about
it.

So she says, "Why don't you text me all the time like you used to?"
thinking that she's sending her message loud and clear and she
is, right?

Well, when she says this to a guy, he feels like a failure. He feels
like he isn't living up to her expectations and as a result, he feels
defeated.

A man wants to give and provide for you, men are just wired that
way.

When he feels like he's incapable of meeting your needs, he feels

like a failure as a man.

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It may not even be conscious on his part. It's a feeling that
emerges beneath the surface and manifests as him withdrawing or
continuing to do the thing that bothers you.

So what's the solution?

It's pretty simple and if you can master it, you will never again feel
frustrated by your man.

The solution is to empower him by encouraging the kinds of

behaviors on his part that make you happy and make you love
and desire him, rather than demanding that he be a certain way
and pointing out the ways in which he's failing to make you happy.

If a man feels that his girl respects, appreciates, and can happily
receive what he has to give, he will do anything to keep her happy.

So how do you do this? Well this is the tricky part. It isn't about
something you should say or do in order to get him to do what
you want. That's just manipulative, and if that's the place you're
coming from, he'll sense it and it will make things worse.

The kind of woman who gets the unwavering attention and

affection so many other women crave from their partners is the one
who is in a good place emotionally.

She doesn't demand anything from him and she doesn't need
anything from him.

Instead, she sees and appreciates him for who he is, and she is OK
if there are times when he doesn't do exactly what she wants. This,
in turn, makes him want to go above and beyond for her.

When a woman is unstable, or carrying hurt/pain/insecurities, she

will pressure her man to act a certain way in order to feel
better about the situation, not because she actually needs him to
text five times a day.

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If a woman is holding onto these pains and fears, she isn't coming
from a place of love, she's coming from a place of needing to
control her man and the relationship or her self-esteem will suffer.

Men never ever respond well to demands, and they want to

be wanted, not needed.

If you want a healthy, happy, stable relationship then it is vital to

work on yourself and get to a strong place internally, a place
where you can receive what he has to give, not a place that makes
you feel empty and alone when he doesn't do every single thing
you want exactly the way you want him to.

Emotional development takes work, so here is a helpful way to

know if

you're coming from a place of neediness so you can hopefully begin

to work on it.

When you feel disappointed/frustrated/angry by something

your guy is doing and you try to force him to change, you should
ask yourself if you're doing it for you or for him.

For instance, if you want your guy to be more emotionally

supportive, ask yourself if you want this because it would
be beneficial for him in his life to be more sensitive, or is it because
you need it in order to feel more confident in the relationship
because youre feeling unstable or insecure and need his
reassurance in order not to feel abandoned?

Going back to our previous example, why is it that you want him to
text more often?

Is it because you feel that being in constant communication

will strengthen the relationship and make it better for both of you,
or is it because you're unsure about his feelings and use his texts
as a barometer for how he feels?

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If you can step back and examine your true motivations for
wanting something out of your guy, you will gain important insight
into yourself. You will also create space to see the situation
more objectively and will be better able to act without pushing your
guy away.

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 The Magic Formula
When it comes to communicating with men, there is a simple magic
formula that is so powerful it can literally transform your entire
relationship into one that is happier and more filled with love than
you ever imagined.

A common problem many women face is asking their guy to make

some sort of change (to be more romantic, to call more, to
compliment her more, to take her our more, etc.) and the guy
reacting negatively and completely shutting down or getting angry.
As we discussed, men are sensitive to this sort of criticism because
they want to make you happy. Men also have an overriding need to
feel appreciated.

It may feel like youll never get your needs met in the relationship
because every time you bring something up it turns into a fight, but
you can have the relationship youve always wanted and get your
needs met. It comes down to communicating those needs in the
right way, a way where he can hear you and where he is fully
receptive to what you have to say.

The truth is, men are easy creatures. It's very easy to get your guy
to treat you the way you want to be treated, you just have to go
about it the right way. If you go about it the wrong way, he will
become the most stubborn, difficult person you have ever
encountered.

And the right way to communicate with a man is as follows ...

Whenever you need something from your guy, frame it using this
formula:

Praise Request Thanks

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Here are some examples:

"You are such a great guy and I know you wouldn't do

something to
intentionally hurt me, because you never do things to
intentionally hurt me. I really would appreciate it if you could
be a little more supportive and encouraging because this is a
stressful time for me. Thank you so much for always being
there and always trying, I really appreciate it."

"You are so loving and do so much for me. I really love it when
you show me affection and give me compliments. If you could
be more affectionate, it would make me feel even more loved
by you. I know that being affectionate and complimentary
doesn't come naturally to you, so thank you so much
for trying and for realizing this is important to me."

"You are such a go-getter and are so amazing at your job, and
the success you have achieved is incredible. I know you're
very busy at work, but I would love it if you could try to call or
text me more often during the workday, because it makes me
feel good when I hear from you. I really appreciated it the
other day when you took the time to call me even though you
had back-to-back meetings. I noticed it, and it made me feel
really good that you took time out of your day to check in with
me."

You get the gist. It sounds simple on paper, and isnt quite as
simple when youre in the heat of the moment and feeling
frustrated. Instead, you may subconsciously want to hurt him back
and make him feel really bad because he's making you feel bad.

You need to realize that this approach gets you absolutely nowhere.
When you frame things like, "Why don't you ever compliment
me/appreciate me/support me/call me? I do everything for you and
you can't even do the little things I need, and it's not fair!" his
defenses will immediately go up, and nothing you say will

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penetrate. Instead, he'll say that you don't appreciate him, you
don't respect him, you're being unreasonable ... which will
make you even more upset and cause you to lash out even more ...
which will make him even more defensive and accusatory ... and
the resentments, hurt, and anger will continue to mount.

From a guys perspective, when a woman says things like: Why

didnt you call? Why dont you have time for me? Why dont you
ever compliment me? and pretty much any sentence that begins
with Why didnt you.. its like nails on a chalkboard. Those kinds
of statements will immediately put a guy on the defensive rather
than motivating him to change and hell probably withdraw
emotionally as a result at least, for the moment.

One of the core reasons for this is that it attacks a guys sense
of freedom and feeling of acknowledgment. When a woman starts
down this chain of Why didnt you it feels to a guy as if she isnt
noticing all of the other things he is doing for a relationship. It
attacks his freedom because he feels like he needs follow your
script and if he deviates then youll be upset and hell have to pay
for it. Men want to make you happy, but they dont want to do it
gunpoint. If you want that loving behavior from him, you need to
inspire him to be more loving, you cant demand it.

In relationships, most women primarily need to feel loved and

cared for while most men need to feel appreciated and significant.
Feeling significant is tied to feeling like a winner, which is the
number-one need for a man both in life and in love. When you
focus on what he's doing wrong and make him the bad guy, he
feels like he's failing you, and this will make him less motivated to
give you what you want. It's the same as when he isn't doing
things that make you feel loved, and then youre less loving
towards him, or less inclined to show him appreciation.

Relationships aren't a quid-pro-quo exchange; they're not about

keeping score or going tit-for-tat. When you take that approach you
will always lose. Maybe you're totally right, maybe he isn't

30
affectionate enough for you, but although proving this with a list of
examples may win you the battle, you will lose the war because
your relationship will suffer.

Men are highly, highly sensitive when it comes to criticism and

rejection. He doesn't want to feel like a bad guy who is incapable of
making you happy. The one thing he wants more than anything in a
relationship is to see you smile. So when you have an issue to bring
up with him, it's also important that you don't frame it as him being
the problem. For example, saying something like, "You're so
insensitive and I can't deal with it!"

Again, making him feel bad about himself won't get you anywhere.
It's also not a nice thing to do to someone you love. Instead, you
can say, "I'm really stressed right now and that's not your fault; I
just don't handle stress very well, and in stressful times I need
some extra love and support from you."

That is so much better than saying, "Can't you see how stressed I
am? Why can't you just support me instead of being so difficult?!"

If you can't summon an ounce of love or compassion in that

moment, then don't address the issue until you are able to get out
of that emotional whirlpool. This could take ten minutes, a few
hours, or a few days. However long it takes, try not to bring up the
issue until you are able to do it from a place of equanimity.

Emotions can be contagious. If you come at him from an angry,

accusatory place, he will feel defensive and then will also be angry
and accusatory, and then nothing will get resolved and no one will
be happy.

In a relationship, its always important to try to see the good. There

will always be some bad because no one is perfect, not him and not
you. What you choose to focus on is what makes all the difference.

31
You can choose to dwell on his flaws and all the little ways he isn't
making you happy, or choose to see the good, to appreciate him for
the things he is doing, which in turn will make him want to do even
more. It's like those artsy photographs where there is a beautiful
flower in focus and everything else is blurry. In relationships, try to
adjust your lens so the flower is in focus and shines brighter than
the other stuff.

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 Final Thoughts
Neediness usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or sense of
worth. You feel like something is missing within yourself or in your
life and erroneously believe a relationship will be the cure. If you
were unhappy before the relationship, you'll be unhappy in it.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, work on your relationship with
yourself. Work on feeling your best and looking your best. When
you are the best you that you can be, then relationships become
easy and effortless.

When youre whole and happy, youll be able to focus on your

partner since you wont have a burning need to fill some emotional
void within yourself.

When a person takes on the belief that another person

is responsible for their happiness, their sense of well-being and
their sense of self-esteem, then its guaranteed that theyre going
to act needy as a result of that mindset. Take control of your life
and your happiness no one else can do this for you.

Its easy to become wrapped up in a new relationship, but it is

extremely important to also maintain your own life. When a woman
is independent and has a lot going on she becomes more appealing
to the guy because her time is more scarce and therefore if he
wants to see her, he needs to put in effort to make plans with her.
Not only that, a well-rounded life usually equals a fulfilling life, and
a fulfilling life feeds into your sense of worth and your self-esteem
and as you know by now, this is crucial to having a healthy, happy,
loving relationship.

We know its easy to say, love yourself and not quite as easy to
actually get there, but it is possible and the journey wont be as
tough as you may thing. Just commit yourself to it and keep your

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ultimate goal in mind. The journey will be rocky at times but it will
always be worth it.

Lots of love,
sabrina alexis and eric charles

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