Bleed Like Me By Garbage Avalanche is sullen and too thin She starves herself to

rid herself of sin And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
And she says: Hey baby can you bleed like me? C'mon baby can you bleed like me?
Chris is all dressed up and acting coy Painted like a brand new Christmas toy He's
trying to figure out if he's a girl or he's a boy He says: Hey baby can you bleed
like me? C'mon baby can you bleed like me? Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in While she hides the scars she's making
underneath her pretty clothes She sings: Hey baby can you bleed like me? C'mon baby
can you bleed like me? Therapy is Speedie's brand new drug Dancing with the devil's
past has never been too fun It's better off than trying to take a bullet from a gun
And she cries: Hey baby can you bleed like me? C'mon baby can you bleed like me? JT
gets all fucked up in some karaoke bar After two drinks he's a loser after three
drinks he's a star Getting all nostalgic as he sings "I Will Survive" Hey baby can
you bleed like me? C'mon baby can you bleed like me? Hey baby can you bleed like
me? C'mon baby can you bleed like me? You should see my scars You should see my
scars Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend Try to comprehend that
which you'll never comprehend Just try to comprehend that which you'll never
comprehend Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend You should see my
scars Bleed Like Me Prologue Im not too bright. Maybe because Im blonde. A
complete understatement. For me, anyways. Im clumsy. Not really that good looking
either. To me, anyways. Most of all, bad luck seems to follow me everywhere.
Definition of accident prone. Some times it feels like the big guy in the sky has
it out for me. But seeing as Im still alive, he must not want me that much. Maybe
he just likes to watch me suffer. So far, I had to go to the hospital three times
this month. All together I have seventeen scars, and thats only on my right arm. A
million minor cuts, and so many bruises I dont even want to get into it. Life
hates me, anyways.
My parents arent all that rich either. We would if getting into fights was a job.
I really dont like getting into dept with it though. Makes me sick thinking about
it sometimes, ya know? My theory in life sometimes, is: If two people spend too
much time with each other, it could be as bad as not seeing them at all. Either
way, it causes problems. Everything causes problems actually. No. Life IS the
problem. I hate life, and life hates me back. I can tell when one of my parents
fights start. Ill probably be in my room, trying to figure out homework Ill never
understand, and one voice is heard. Then another. Soon, things are smashing against
the walls, windows, anything. The T.v. is gone, not that I really noticed. But one
thing I have noticed is my bedroom door. Its not there anymore. I miss it. I use
to be able to ignore the yells and screams a little and half-ass my way through my
homework. But things seem to be getting worse. Normal kids hate going to work. I
love it. The day I hit sixteen I got a job. That was my birthday present to me. My
parents forgot. I did not remind them, it would only start more problems. Ill
probably say this more than once, but I hate life and life hates me back. I work at
one of those department stores. Ya know, the place you buy hardware: tools, nails,
and other junk. I call it junk. It all looks the same to me, weather you plug it in
or not. It still looks like it wants to kill me. My stomach turns there, but I
manage. Its a relief compared to home. I get lots of cuts and bruises there. But I
dont do a whole lot. Just take in carts, help people load stuff in their cars, and
carry boxes filled with God knows what. Knowing my luck, something that wants to
stab me in the chest. Im happy at the end of my shift though. Chris usually picks
me up around ten and brings me home. He always complains how he had to get up and
off his ass to come get me, but I can tell he doesnt mind. If he did, he wouldnt.
Trust me. He has ever since that one day I walked home at night and got sick. I
went to the hospital for a week. He visited me each day after school. He was still
complaining then. He drives me to school in the morning too. He usually comes an
hour early so we can sit down to eat breakfast. If he doesnt get breakfast in the
morning, his mood is ruined and he gets pissed off more than usual. I snap out of
my own little world. My cheek felt hot and I knew it was red because my palm had
been resting on it. My eyes flashed at Chris. He had asked me something, didnt he?
Damn my short attention span. What? I said, dumb as ever. I looked down at the
yellow smiley face cookie. The eyes and mouth were iced with hardened brown
frosting. I always wondered how they got it that way. Sitting besides me was a mug
of coffee, black. I wont take it any other way. If I did, I would shoot myself. I
liked it the way it was. It was bitter, yes, but it would not be coffee with all
the added stuff in it. Plus, it was cheaper. My ear rang with Chris' voice again. I
wasnt paying attention again. I missed it. I shook it off and presented him with
one of my plain, Yeahs. Ive been spending more time with him, ever since JT
turned goth yet again and Kira is trying to set him straight. But thats a
different story. The good thing about Chris was, he didnt have any intention in
changing who he was and what he stood for. I didnt either. I liked him the way he
was, just like my coffee. You take away the very essence of who someone, or
something, is, it simply isnt IT anymore.
Chris was girly, yes. But not in a bad way. It fit him. It suited him. And the
clothes he wore only made it look more natural. He had a gentle attitude, being
girly only made him look sweeter. Meaning, people listened to his advise. I laugh,
thinking about him in that ridiculous dress. Then, look up at him. He did not seem
too happy. I looked down at my cookie. The cookie did. I picked it up and ate a
portion off and lifted my gaze at him. The small caf did not have many people in
today. Then again, it usually doesnt. I was rambling on in my head again, wasnt
I? What? I asked again. His disapproval grow more. He picked up his usual
chocolate milk and took a sip out of the bendy straw. He set it down and folded his
large hands onto the table. Each finger intertwining perfectly with the others. He
could probably squish someones skull with those. Ya know, like those Friday the
Thirteenth movies? Nah, never mind. You probably wouldnt. Vicky, I asked three
times already. Is your dumb blonde hair clogging your ears or something? I could
tell he was holding back anger. He voice was shaky, but not loud enough to actually
be yelling at me. I heard him this time, but that was not what he was asking me was
it? I look down, ashamed. Why did I have to be such a loser? No, sorry. I just
have a lot on my mind, dude. This was true. I wouldnt lie to him. He was the only
real person I could turn to right now. I scratched my right arm and flinched,
forgetting a scrape was there. He sighed, his thin chest moving with the motion. He
gave me a tired look, as if he were sick of playing a game. He took another bite
out of his pancakes and stood, Ill be right back. I have to shit. With that
said, he left me at the table and went for the mens restroom. I laughed again,
this time at Chriss openness. If he wanted to, hed take a shit in front of
everyone (not many, but some) in this place and not give a damn. I liked that.
Well, not watching him take a dump, but the way you could read him perfectly. And
you wouldnt even have to. He would tell you what was on his mind. If something
pissed him off, you would know first hand by him. He never kept secrets. Not like
me I took another sip of my coffee. It tasted like hot water and leaves, with a
hint of bran kinkiness. It kind of reminded me of gum you chewed too long. But it
was satisfying either way. It tastes bad before, after, and during each sip, but
there was something about it I could not get enough of. Chris was going to be
awhile. Usually about fifteen minutes. I laughed again. I dont know why. Maybe it
was Chris again. I picked my cookie up and chewed the brown smile off. I was the
only one who was suppose to be smiling. I put it down at looked at it. Two little
round pieces of frosting. My smile grew. Boobs, I whispered pointing to it. Chris
would have laughed too if he were here. Maybe not. Maybe I was just perverted. I
admit I was.
Time was going by flip out and play through a digital Chriss number by

slow, and I did not have a fancy little cell phone you could the little demo game
BeSkeletoneled. I could not even look phonebook. The only phonebook I had was in
my head. I knew heart.

I recited the number in my head a few times before a waitress stopped by the table.
She took my half eaten cookie plate along with Chriss. She held both in one hand,
balancing it. I watched amused. It was not long until I was staring at her chest.
They were huge, but they werent real. I can tell when a rack is real. Take Kira,
THOSE sons of bitches are real. She stared at me and smiled. She was about to say
something, probably asking if I needed anything else. I didnt. Check please. I
said before she could get a word out. I gave the fake breasted chick a dirty look
and tightened my hood with the small strings for my defense. She was looking at my
face. I hated when people did that. Im not good looking. I know that. She simply
nodded and was on her way. I snatched my wallet out of my pocket, yet. I looked
inside. A few dollars. I DID have money to pay for us both, but it was my wallets
fault I did not have even if the check was not presented to me really wanted to
surprise Chris, showing I I didnt. I watched it with a grimace, like anything
inside hardly. at me like I you flashing ass pants! me until I

Put your poor money away, It was Chris. He was back. He was staring offended him
or something, Were out in public, we dont need to see your poor ass money. Now,
stick your Goddamn wallet back in your poor He slapped a twenty on the table and
went to my side. He was guarding put my money away.

I watched him in defeat. There was no arguing with him, but I kind of got the vibe
that he did not mind paying for my breakfast either. Like I said, if he didnt want
to do something, he wouldnt. I shoved the worn out wallet into my orange pant
pocket. Now, come ass out of you in the did. Chris on. Youll be late to class
AGAIN! Then, Ill have detention, AGAIN! If that happens, So help me God, vag! He
wouldnt. He shouted it anyways to make a leaving without a big scene wasnt
logical at all. to drag your poor Victoria. Ill kick scene like he always He left
me.

I followed. I always did. Like a puppy follows its master. No matter how brutally
they are treated, they always are loyal to their master. As I am, loyal to Chris.
Hes really the only one who has listened to my problems. I could tell he was
listening, even though he might not show it. Shy? Chris? Never. He has always just
been weak at showing true emotion. Then again, he always says hippies are the
only ones who show emotion. I dont want to be a hippy.
I heard the little ding from the door. Showing we were outside. I could tell. It
was freezing. I walked faster and went to his side and held onto his small arm. It
was warm. He was always warm, to me anyways. I let a few shudders slip by, but my
temperature rose a little from the others body heat. He didnt do anything. He
never did. Anyone else he would call a perv, but he always ignored my touch. His
car beeped. He had an automatic door opener. I ran from him to the passengers side
and opened the door. I sat down and buckled my seatbelt, holding myself since the
car was now cold again. I waited for him to get in too I could cling to him once
more. It was a few seconds after I got in until he got to the door and opened it.
The breeze hit my face, but I ignored it for now. He sat down, causing the car to
shake a bit. I didnt mind. I was so use to it by now, I would have never know it
did anymore. He shut the door and put the right key into the ignition, starting the
car up. The heat was blasting hard out of the vents, but only cold air came from
it. Meaning, the car needed to warm up. He twisted the knob until it was to the
windshield. The air blasted through the vents of the windshield. My arms wrapped
around his one and I rested my head on it. He was so warm. It gave me the chills
sometimes. I kinda wish moments like this would never end. I really hated school.
Nobody really liked me. The stuck up bitches. It didnt matter, not as long as I
had my best friend. He took his arm away from me. I whined. It wasnt fair. He was
warm. I looked up with a disappointed look. I forced my head by his body, but his
hand went to my head first, stopping me. His hand went down, so my chin was resting
on his fingers and his large thumb came up and traced the under lining of my eye.
He shook his head, You didnt sleep again, did you? He released my chin and
placed his hand on top of the steering wheel. I kind of figured he knew what my
answer was. I didnt. I think too much. He became aggravated and rubbed at his
eyelids, What am I goin to do with you, Vicky? He gave a petty look my way and
searched his pocket for two singles and handed them to me, At least eat lunch
today. I swear, if I find you outside smoking instead, Ill kill you. His
enthusiasm wasnt in his sentence like it usually is. It sounded more serious. I
shoved his hand away and turned so my back was facing him, Yeah, whatever. We
were constantly having difficulties with this subject. I hated lunch. No one to sit
with. No one, but snobs. I shivered once, more so from the cold. The car seriously
needed to warm up faster. Fine, I give up. I could care less if you starve your
little poor ass self. He flicked the bucks my way anyways and put the car in
drive. We were on our way to one of the places I hated most. Note: I said one, I
hated my home more.
After a few minutes of being stubborn, I gave up. It was too damn cold. I turned
back around and put my arm around him, laying my head on his soft stomach. It
wasnt that comfortable, but it was comfortable enough; ignore the huge hipbones.
The damn Cd holder between us was jabbing into my side. Without it, it would be
like fucking heaven, not that i know what that feels like. My eyes stared at the
red coat before I buried my face into the warmth. My eyes closed. I was so damn
tired. So fucking, Goddamn tired. Before I knew anything, the car was stopped. We
had to be in Hell, I mean, school by now. I pretended I was still sleeping. I
wanted to rest as much as I could, and Chris usually give me five minutes before
actually getting out of the car. My hood was pulled off just slightly as he began
to massage at my head. My eyes remained closed. I almost laughed. He really thought
I was asleep, didnt he? I could have pissed myself laughing, if it didnt feel so
good. I cuddled closer to his chest, feeling his heartbeat on my forehead. I
noticed. It was going a lot faster than usual. I most have pissed him off. But was
he still mad at that? Was he even still mad? There were voices outside, not close.
Far away. I didnt want to leave. It actually felt like nothing would kill me when
I was close to Chris, but once we go our separate ways. Then, what? Maybe I was
just paranoid. I heard him sigh. His hand lifted. That wasnt a good sign. I didnt
want to leave this car. I had to, but I didnt want to. I didnt want him to wake
me up. I threw my arms around his famished body, well as much as I could. He knew
I had to be awake now. Do we have to? I muffled out from his jacket. He had to
know what I meant. It took him awhile up to see what was Yes. It was that and he
played with to answer. At first I didnt think he heard me. I almost looked up, but
I returned my head to where it was once I heard him, foreign seriousness again. His
hand reached the back of my neck a few strands of my blonde hair.

I pulled my body up, but my head felt groggy. I went to go sit in my seat, but
instead, fell forward from dizziness. I swing my arms around his neck in defense
and landed with my back on his lap. It was a better land than I thought. But
looking up, we were face-to-face. When my arms were around his neck, I must have
pulled his head down with me. He watched me for awhile. What was he looking at? My
cavity filled mouth? or my sunk in cheeks? That, or the huge bags under my eyes. I
let him go and put my hood on. I tightened it so I wouldnt have Chris suffer with
looking at me. I got out of the car. We were at school. Meaning, all that close
friend stuff we were doing before had to stop. I wasnt allowed to hold onto him,
or even smile in his direction. Not that anyone could tell.
I saw him get out of his car. It beeped, indicating it was locked. He looked my way
again before shoving the keys into his pocket. He did not bother taking his hand
out from the pocket. Instead, put his other hand in the one on the opposite side.
He began walking. I followed. I was sick of this. My life was so repetitive, it
wasnt even funny. Couldnt anything different happen in my life? Instead, could I
just keel over and die? On second thought, I wouldnt do that to Chris. He was all
I had, and I was all he had. But was this life? Is this all there is? Then, what?
Get old, work, sleep, work, sleep, piss, pay bills, work, sleep, sleep, piss again,
and die? It made me wonder sometimes. Wondering if there was something more.
Something better. My head bowed a little. I wanted to hold Christians arm. I
always feel that at school. It was a wall. An unsaid rule that was made. Something
he and I understood perfectly, without words. What would happen if I broke that
boundary? What would happen if I broke that rule? Did I want to find out that much?
Why? There wasnt a point. I trailed behind. I always did. I always followed Chris.
There were rare moments when I didnt, but I usually did. I even agree with him,
even when I know hes wrong and full of shit. The beauty of this friendship was,
Christians right. End of discussion. You could say Im a follower. But who would
go against the one person who does everything for you. I was always in his debt,
even if he did not expect anything back. You working tonight? He said. That must
have been his question from before. I heard it loud and clear now. No, I shook my
head, even if his back was turned to me. I felt stupid after it. I shouldnt, since
he didnt see. Why was I worried about it then? I continued, I do tomorrow. Why?
I waited, eager to what he would say next. You, He started, not finishing until
he looked over his shoulder and his eye contact met with mine, want to hangout for
a lil? I finally got a second controller so you can play 360 too. He was always
so damn casual. It was all the time too. Well, not all the time. If anyone else was
with us he would have said, Veehkee, youre coming over to muh house. So, get yo
poe ass over to muh house after schoo! Since no one was around, he didnt feel
the need to make it a big deal, I guess. Either way, I was relieved to hear that
from him. Now, I knew I could hang with him until late so I can avoid the fighting.
I usually fall asleep there. Next to him, watching t.v. Or a movie. I smiled, but
because of my hood, it probably only showed the bottom portion of my eyes rise up.
He knew my smile, and I knew his. He knew my answer before I said it. I wanted to
hug him, but that was off limits. Samantha would find out somehow, and I like
living.
He broke eye contact now and continued, After schoo, meet me by my car. If Im
not there, just wait. He always told me this. He acted like I wouldnt come back
after school. It really sucked though, not having any classes with his custodian
schedual matched up. Made it harder for me to see him. Of course, I answered
back, watching his back now that I was no longer staring at his eyes. Bored with
his back and his red coat my gaze fell lower. His ass looked sweet. His jeans gave
it a little lift today. Other days hed wear baggy ones. But every once in a great
while, Id get my eye candy. If I had it my way, I would glue those pair onto him.
It showed off a little more. I liked what he wears under his poofy coat, but I only
get to see if I come to his house. Which was today. I wondered what he was wearing.
I was smiling like a complete idiot, but no one saw. Since no one CAN see, I would
continue with my little fantasy. Im not straight, honest. If you look long and
hard enough, Chris has his own charm. He was hot. So, why didnt you sleep THIS
time? I heard him say. He acted like I did this more than once. Well, I have, but
still. He didnt have to make it sound so demeaning. He treated it like one of my
other habits. I shrugged. I didnt want to go on with this conversation. Couldnt
he talk more about his 360? It was easy for him to brag on and on about one of his
video games. But no, we had to bring this up again, Just thinking. Thinking?
One word question. Meaning, I had to answer back with what I was thinking about. I
hated that. We were now on the side walk. School was so close, it made me cringe.
I had a nightmare, It sounded stupid. Something a little two year old with a
nightlight would say. It was the truth though. I have become paranoid lately.
About? He was still questioning me. What was this? Twenty-one questions? It was
starting to get offended by him getting into my personal business. About dying, I
said plain and simple. I wasnt going to add anything onto it, but I figured
talking about it might help a bit, I keep having dreams where everything wants to
kill me. But I wake up right before I actually die. It sounded even stupider out
loud. Vicky, He turned looking right at me, You have the weirdest imagination
Ive ever known. It was an insult. Right after he said it, he laughed as if it
were a joke. I was serious. He didnt seemed to be buying it, was he? I shoved my
hands in my pockets and passed him with a dirty look. Does he have to make a joke
about everything? I guess, I was just a little frustrated lately, but there was
that sense of danger around me more and more. Scared, I guess. You could put it
that way. He must have understood I was no longer joking because he followed me. He
followed
me. Why does that sound odd? He turned me around and gave me an even dirtier look
than I had given him. Dont know how? I was the one who didnt have a shower this
morning. Jesus Christ, Vicky. Dont be such a Goddamn pussy! He mouthed each word
perfectly, but the sound came out scratchy from his throat. He was letting anger
out on me, I was already a verbal punching bag as it was. I pushed him off to get
my own space back. My personal belongings are mine only (unless I share), but mine
arent something you can see at this moment. I backed up, trying to gain it back.
His pushiness was pissing me off and his words werent exactly fun either, Leave
me alone, you skinny ass fag! I shouted back. My frustration was building and
needed to get something out. Even if it was negative. He always turned red when I
called him that. You call him that and all Hell breaks loose. It wasnt a good
thing for me. My space would probably be invaded a lot sooner than I thought. He
would hate me now for that. Sure enough, I was right. He grabbed me by the coat
collar and forced so we were eye to eye. I swear! Call me that again, you poor son
of a bitch! Son of a bitch? He was calling my mom a bitch? Like I cared. That only
effected Kira. My nerves seemed to calm, but I humored him. I would never learn,
would I? I repeated what I had called him as if each word were their own separate
sentence, You. Faggot. I gave him a proud victory smile, even if I was the one
who was going to pay for it. He let out a few raged snarls right in my face, but he
threw me down. He didnt even look back to see if I was hurt or not. Which I
wasnt. But still. He just walked away with a familiar shout of, Screw you, Im
going to work! I looked back at him. He left me on the ground, like the poor piece
of crap I was. The poor perverted piece of crap with a bitch for a mom. I watched
the ground and coughed a few times. I was nasty enough to have saliva linger off my
lips. I looked back up at him. Those jeans still made his ass look totally sweet.

Chapter ONE

It was lunch. Of course I didnt listen to him. I was stubborn about that. Plus, I
ruined every chance I have for escaping my Goddamn house tonight. He was probably
pissed as Hell. Not that I cared. Well, maybe a little. I was sitting at a back
exit. There were no teachers. There was no one. Its not like they checked anyways.
At least I was alone for a minute. I closed my eyes and my body drifted downwards a
little, but I caught myself. I needed sleep, but I wasnt going to get it tonight.
I know I would keep thinking about how I pissed off Chris. I sighed. I could have
handled that better. I really could have.
I knew Id find you out here, Avalanche! Shit! Without much thought, I hid the
square behind my back. I couldnt have been caught. Aw, damn. Who didnt have that
much of a life to come and get me in trouble. I looked up. It was Chris! Shit. I
was worrying about fucking nothing again. What do you want? I said, uninterested
and brought the smoke back to my lips. He really knows how to scare someone
shitless, Shouldnt you be cleaning a class or something? Oh! His voice rang
out in high pitch, but the rest came out normal, And Im getting that from someone
who is skipping the easiest class alive! He sat next to me and set a sandwich,
applesauce, and a carton of milk on my lap, You better eat, damn it! For some gay-
ass reason, the snack line is two dollars more! I looked down at what I was given,
then, looked his way. He wasnt looking back. That made me feel bad. I mean, he
didnt have to do that. I had no choice, but to eat it now. I was kind of hungry
anyways. I unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite. It was pretty good. I mean, good
for school anyways. I swallowed and looked his way again, Thank you. I tried to
make it sound like I meant it. I did. Yeah, yeah, He rested his cheek on his palm
as if he were bored to death. Sorry, I guess. He started. It sounded more
persistent, but I knew he meant well, You know, about your dream, or something. I
knew why he said it. He didnt need to explain any further. This made me smile. Did
he feel bad too? It made me feel a little warm just thinking about it. I looked
around. No one. Sweet. I wrapped the arm, that was closest to him, around his and
rested on him. My head found his shoulder. He was still warm, Its ok. He shifted
a little, but it was towards me. He ignored what I was doing because no one else
was around. Sometimes I wonder about him though. He would probably let me do
whatever the hell I wanted as long as no one else was around, but he never does
anything back (Unless Im sleeping, like the time in the car). He just sits there.
What class are you skipping? I was done with what I was eating (Well, as done as
it was ever going to be) and my other arm went around the front end of his body. I
poked at his tummy and giggled as if I were the one who was being tickled. Poke.
Poke. Poke. It was amusing and somehow making me hot. Again, he just let me go on
with what I was doing and decided to answer my question instead, Algebra. He
shrugged, The teacher cleans the damn room hersef, it doesnt matter if I skip one
day. I must have struck something because he let out one laugh that sounded more
like a whisper. He was talking about Algebra two. I wasnt even understanding that
class. Not that Im a wiz kid like Kira, but still. Yeah? I said, looking up at
him, Im still goin be out here tomorrow. What do you say to that? I smiled a
bit. He looked down at me. It looked serious, until he gave me a smile back, Then,
Ill have to get my ass out here again, you ass hole. The words sounded bad, but
his tone of voice was more playful.d I buried my face into his arm. My face was red
from remembering him, period. It wasnt long until I found another reason to frown
again. I held him a little tighter, Dont you get sick of life? An obvious change
in tone and subject, Its so repetitive. Wake up, go to school, go to work, sleep,
wake up, school,
work, skip sleep, school, work, school, work, weekend comes, sleep I would have
kept going if Chris wouldnt have stopped me. He ruffled my hair with those large
fingers and gave a shake at the head, Enough. I get it. He placed his hand on his
stomach, his finger tips just barely touching mine, I guess, Im lucky. You never
give me a normal day, Vicky. His lips uncovered his teeth. His smile was a lot
more bright. This would be a rare occasion. Like an eclipse. He would make sure it
was the last thing you saw. Unless, youre me. Vicky. Hes been calling me that a
lot lately. Hasnt he? Or is that just me? I guess, Im still paranoid. My
shoulders went up and I continued to hide my face in his large arm. Warm. I pressed
my lips against the material of his coat, wishing I could get to flesh. Not likely.
You like life too much to be worrying about that crap, He sighed, and stop
thinking so Goddamn much. You just make problems when you do that. He removed his
arm from my comfort like the time in the car. Why does he always do that? Well, I
guess, he would have to since, I would probably be clinging onto him for the rest
of the day if he didnt. He looked right at me and took both strings, of my hoodie,
in his grasp. He pulled them so only my eyes were shown, the way I like it. Then,
tied it. He gave a playful punch to my cheek and stayed where he was. He looked me
in the eyes, constantly shifting his view at one eye to the other and so on. He was
trying to look at both at the same time, Dont do anything stupid over life. Its
just a game someone made because they didnt have one. A smirk appeared. It wasnt
the exact answer I was looking for, but if you think about it, it kind of did make
sense. I mean, the players have lives and the creature makes the rules. One rule,
he cant play, or something. Or maybe Im thinking of Monopoly or Operation. I
think, I think too much, Well, can I use your Life car? Im too poor to buy one
of my own. I was thinking of the same game, right? The little white cars. You
start out with a blue or pink piece and you get a car as the little marker. I
think, after college you get to marry someone and they get to sit in the
passengers seat. Hard game to explain. Ive never played it all the way through.
He put his finger to his chin as if he had to think about it for a second, Well, I
dont know? Then, youd have to marry me and be my bitch. You think youre up to
that, Vicky? He folded his arms over his thick chest and watched me with victory.
He thought I would say no to that offer, didnt he? He stood up and began to walk.
I stood too and followed. My hand grabbed his and I looked at him with a grin,
Thats Mrs. Chiller, to you. I corrected my last name for him. I actually
couldnt believe I thought of a come back that fast. Maybe it wasnt a come back.
Maybe it was something else. He kind of gave me a face like he was totally weirded
out. Like I had a huge ass booger just chilling on top of my head. He closed his
eyes and shook his head, giving a smile. He pushed me a little and broke our hand
connection, Well, ho. You better get in that kitchen and make me some kids and a
pie! He went back to walking like he was the tallest man alive again. I fell
behind a bit, but I caught up. My arm swung underhand and I grabbed at one of his
nice ass cheeks. It made my day, I cant have your man babies without you, sweet
ass. I was feeling evil at the moment. What could I say. He wore those jeans
today. He was asking for it.
He practically jumped back from my grip. He rubbed at his ass as if I fatally
wounded it. Wouldnt be surprise if I didnt. His cheeks turned that God awful
scarlet again and he stared at me with all intention of killing me, No, Vicky!
Thats a bad Vicky! He shouted, pointing at me like I was a dog, who had just peed
on the rug, or something. I just laughed. My triumph march started now. One of my
rare moments where I got to lead Chris. The bell rang and he left with a shrug.
Probably what I get for violating him, but hed be back to normal by the end of the
day. It was time to go to class for actual learning. The class Chris had already
skipped. Algebra II. Ashen was in the class. Ashen was a teachers pet and she
would always get the answers right. Not to mention the little shiny stickers on the
top of her papers. I was happy to just survive the class. It kind of made me mad.
Ashen always got so much attention. Even if some was negative, she still got it.
Most of the negative stuff was from Chris. I hated that. Once Ashen was in sight,
he would ignore me and go straight for, what he liked to call her, an ex. Kind of
made me feel left out, or just the background or something. I even thought Chris
had a crush on Ashen the way he picked on her before. Since I said that, he backed
off a little. Now, just simply passing him in the hallway and spouting out Ash
instead of her birth name. Still made me mad though. I almost envy Ashen. Shes
fucking the opposite of me. Smart, bright, rich, talented, and did I mention happy?
She even has a prettier face than half the girls in class. She was somewhat short,
and had a full figure, making her look even more attractive. And her voice is so
God damn perfect. I wouldnt be surprised if JT wanted to bang her. I already knew
Chris wanted to. Ever since Junior High. Ya know, the beginning. The time where
guys start to go through a little thing called puberty. Hes been eye fucking the
shit out of her since thirteen. What? Was I the only one who could tell? Makes me
think. I sat in my desk, pulling out a random notebook. I sighed that looked like
it was sharpened all the way down to the it on my desk with a frustrated noise.
Mad. I was mad. If way through Chriss eyes. No, I was a no good poor piece as I
looked at my pencil damn eraser. I smacked only I could look that of crap!

Here, That soft voiced chimed at my eardrums. I wanted to just rip them out of my
skull and throw it at the person I knew who was standing in front of me. Here, Im
a bratty girl. Blah blah blah! Lets go shopping and help each other put tampons in
our asses!' I looked up. There was a pencil between her two delicate fingers. God,
did I just want to rip those fuckers off. Guess you wouldnt be able to finger any
of your millions of boyfriends tonight. Always in my business and shit. Jesus. I
took the pencil with a smile, a fake smile should I add, Thanks, Ashen. Youre a
life saver! Yeah. Ill shove this My Little Pony pencil right through your
eyelids and see what happens. I began to doodle a little circle on a clean piece of
notebook paper, So, talk to JT in awhile? I wasnt really interested, but I was
getting kind of sick of Ashen looking at my little circle thing. I drew two dots.
EYES! The dicksucker sat down in the desk next to mine. Shes gonna be here awhile,
huh? She let out a wimpy ass sigh as if sitting down was some kind of damn workout.
She
flashed her bright coffee eyes my way and gave me her serious look, Yeah.
Nothings getting through to him, dude. I flinched. Her voice, God! A girl saying
dude. I mean, a preppy girl saying dude. I have nothing against girls who say
dude, unless theyre really high pitched, like the mammoth (Ashen) over here. I
mean, I keep trying to tell him he doesnt need to be goth. I dont know? Hes just
so different, now. I dont think me and him should be friends anymore. I swear, if
I was drinking something, would have spit it all over my desk. Did she just say she
WASNT going to be friends with JT anymore? What?! I couldnt say much else.
Ashen has finally given up on something? Probably preached the preaching out of
her. Yeah, She gave a sad look to the top of her desk, not looking up, I kinda
feel alone, you know? My best friend is gone and I have no one. She looked my way
once again, Do you think its alright if I hang out with you? Well, you and Chris.
Goddamn puppy dog eyes. You couldnt say no to those things. Then again, I couldnt
exactly say yes to them either, I dont know, dude? Its Chriss house. You might
have to ask him. It was perfect. If Ashen asked Chris, he would proudly say no to
her. Then, we could hangout with no Mammoths in sight. Perfect. Sweet, She
smiled, I think Ill do that. She stood up, obviously taking someone elses seat
when she sat next to me. She waved at me and went back to her own seat. I waved
back with a smile, but my smile was based off my victory. I should be the one
saying sweet. I focused my eyes back to my notebook. I wrote my name in big
cursive letters. Then, Chriss. I thought about the whole marriage thing. Or should
I say Life thing. I wrote my first name. Good so far. Then, added Chiller to the
end. Victoria Chiller. It didnt sound half bad. It almost sounded better than my
own name. I could probably even abbreviate it. VC. VieSie. I continued to draw. Two
little stick figures, holding hands with heart around them. I drew a triangle on
the taller one, making it clear it was Chris with the dress. My smile widened.
Victoria. What is the next step in finding the function of 2 pie over 6? My head
shot up. Another question went one ear and out the other. I looked around the room,
then, at the clock. It was already thirty minutes into the class. I usually dont
drift off for that long. What the hell was a function? I stuttered out a few ums
before shrugging. This wasnt the first time its happened so I didnt feel too
embarrassed. The teacher just shook her head and gave me a look. Ms. Avalanche,
see me in the hallway, now. She went back to the board and erased it. She began
writing the homework on the board. The homework I wasnt planning on doing. She
turned, Ok, class. Do problems 10 through 32 on your own in class. You may work
with a partner if you would like. Her attention fell to me now. I guess, I should
follow her. The hallway. It looked dead. I never seen it so vacant before. Theres
a huge difference between classes, huh? I made myself comfortable by leaning
against the lockers. I didnt look her way. It was going to be another lecture,
wasnt it? She closed the door behind her. You realize why I brought you out
here. I coarse I did, bitch. The exact opposite reason why Ashen isnt. Im
achieving poor homework and test grades. My grades have dropped 'drastically' and
Im in danger of failing your class. I recited. This was the same old thing,
wasnt it?
Well, yes. But Im sort of concerned about your behavior. You dont get along with
the other kids in class, you always appear tired, and you havent turned in a
single assignment since day one. Are there complications at home? Im here to
listen. She smiled. She was a dumb broad. Actually getting into my business! I
looked away. I didnt need her Goddamn counseling. Things were fine. I just hated
math. Its totally gay. I see, Youre not going to talk are you? She gave a sigh
and looked through her papers as if she was doing something important. Well,
there are people all around you that can help, if you need it. Thanks, but no
thanks, I didnt even look her way. My eyes felt red. Why the hell would some
bring up that Goddamn subject in school? What was the purpose? Life was way too
complicating for this bullshit. I walked back in the classroom, the door swinging
open and making a loud noise. Frustration again. I went to my desk, and to my
surprise, I saw Ashen in the desk next to it. All ready to do these pointless
problems. I just wanted to sleep. Couldnt I just be invisible for two seconds. I
sat and hid my face in my arms. Vicky? Ashen said cautiously. She better, or Ill
rip her balls off. I know she has them. Just leave me alone. I said, not wanting
to bother with any of this anymore. Come on, I dont need another friend doing
this to me, She always played her part so innocently. She knew I was in a bad
mood. And I sure as hell didnt want to talk about it. The last thing I needed was
one of her speeches. Thats fucking it! I stood, the desk almost flying to the
other side of the room. I flung my book bag over my shoulder and left the room.
Fuck that, I left the school. I went to the one place I could. I put my bag down
and made a seat on the nose of Chriss car and lit up. Why was I getting so
frustrated lately? Everything just seemed to annoy me. I laid down, my head against
the windshield. I watched the sky. It was totally white. Not like the days where
you look up and see little puffy clouds and can make pictures out of them. I cried
my eyes out. No one was watching, so it didnt matter really. Besides, I had calmed
twenty minutes later. What was that teacher trying to say? Im crazy? Sounded like
it. I am not. No fucking way! I was just irritated. With everything. I rubbed my
eyes. They were sore. I wanted to sleep. I did. I woke up not too long after. The
students were swarming out of the school to their cars. Wanting to go home. Me,
wanting to go to Chriss. I rubbed my eyes again and noticed my body floating.
What the fuck?! Was I high!? No, Chris was picking me off of his car. Why are
you so early? The answer hit him, Goddamn it, Vicky! You skipped class again,
didnt you? He opened the back door and placed me in the back seat, where I could
lay. He gave a disapproving shake of the head and looked at me, You have to sit
back here. We need to make room for Ash. He got in on his side and closed the
door. My eyes were plastered open. Ashen!? They started to burn. Chris had actually
said yes?! But this was our time to hangout. I wouldnt be able to hold his arm.
Sit in
his lap. Sit on his back as he lays on the floor. Lay on the couch together as we
watch T.V. I was mad. Even more frustrated. I folded my arms. Sure enough, the
dicksucker came to the car. She opened the door and sat inside. She looked my way
and smiled, Hello, Vicky. She met the other in the drivers seat, Chris. A
little happy dont you think? Babe, Chris said back with a smirk. I didnt even
bother to respond. We drove back. I stayed in my laying position, my back facing
the front of the car. My forehead felt the soft seat. I pulled my coat closer to my
body, freezing. I blame Ashen. The whole ride I could only think about how my day
was ruined. My day off with Chris was ruined. All because of Ashen. I was pissed. I
really felt like stabbing her brains out with that My Little Pony pencil now.
Wait. My notebook. I fucking left it in class, didnt I? I was a scatter brain.
What if someone sees it? SHIT! I had something else to worry about now. Well, I
didnt have anything to worry about, right? I mean, its not like I was actually in
love with Chris. It was just an inside joke. About board games. Yeah, thats right.
Ill have fun explaining that to people. Thanks for letting me join, Chris! I
heard Ashens voice. I shivered. Your fault, Mammoth. All your fault. Chris didnt
say much to that. I didnt plan on him saying anything anyways. Just a low noise
showing he was actually listening to her. Then, screaming at a car who was in his
way. Hell be fine, I heard Ashen say next, in a softer pitch voice. She must
have been talking about JT or something. I really could care less. Anything that
comes out of her mouth is gay anyways. The real shocker was I could hear Chriss
voice, now loud and clear. That seriousness in it again, I know. He shifted in
his seat. I dont know where he was looking. I didnt bother. Maybe to see if a car
was in the next lane, He just seems so depressed all the time. I wouldnt know how
to help him. Defiantly, they were talking about JT. They had to. I mean, I didnt
know any other depressed people. Just be there for him, Ashens voice was
unusually soft. Was the fucker flirting with Chris!? I nuzzled my face closer into
the seat. I didnt want to think about that. It made everything hurt. I am, you
ass wipe! Yay! His anger was back, meaning Ashen was pissing him off again. Maybe
hell get so mad and kick her out, You think Im not!? No, no! Thats not what I
meant, dude. Youre doing a great job right now, but if it gets worse The girly
voice came back. It wont get worse! Ya hear me, Ash? Ill make sure it doesnt!
Chris shouted louder. What Ashen said next was strange. Usually she would scream
back at him, but instead, she was calm. She even sounded happy as he said it, You
must care about
him a lot. Youre a good friend, Chris. Did she just say that? I was defiantly
going to rip her tits off now. Who the Hell did she think she was? He made another
incoherent noise. More of a, Oh God, I cant believe she said that out loud
thing. I was thinking the same thing in my mind. The car stopped. We must have been
at his house already. I pretended I was still asleep. Just curious if they would
try to wake me up or just leave me there. Sure enough, that large hand nudged me in
the back .Not hard, but it didnt matter to me. I still didnt move. It was a
contest. How far would Chris go to wake me up? Obviously, not far. He got out of
the car and opened the door for the backseat. He leaned inside and picked my
sleeping body up. He put me on one of his shoulders. I didnt move. He was so
warm. Id be a retard to move. Aw. So cute, Chris, I heard that girly voice
again; but it was jealouse? I wanted to bite her whole face off. Kill her, God.
Maybe not that, but still. I didnt hear Chris say a word. Maybe he was tired. I
knew I was. Maybe a little sleep couldnt hurt. Id probably feel better if he were
there next to me though. Im not straight, honest. I just feel a lot safer when
someone is in the room with me. Ashen hummed a high pitched tune. Who knows what it
was. Probably some emo song, but she trailed behind a bit. Watching us, most
likely. I didnt dare open my eyes. I couldnt even if I tried. We were inside, I
could tell. It was a lot warmer. It smelled like home. You know, how you go to
someones house for the first time, you notice it smells weird. But if youre at a
house youve been at forever, it doesnt even smell. The distinct smell of home.
Im takin him up to bed, get my 360 started, Chris said rather quietly, but
still had a sense of rudeness. It could have been louder, I wouldnt have minded. I
wasnt exactly asleep just yet. I felt him move and heard him climb the stairs. I
held on tighter. I hated heights. I pretty much hate anything that has something to
do with death. I didnt mean to, but I whispered to him, If Im too heavy, I can
walk. I didnt want to bother him. He should be playing his game by now. Instead,
he has to carry me up when I was very capable of doing it myself. I heard a grunt,
What the hell are you talkin about Vicky? Youre as light as a fucking Goddamn
angel! His voice rose once he knew I was awake, but not loud enough for Ashen to
hear. His sentence was so rude, so hurtful, until his last word. That was a weird
thing to compare me to. Was he sure he didnt mean to say, light as a poor piece
of crap or light as a skinny ass bitch? Angel? I wouldnt say anything. I
wouldnt. I was quiet until he dropped me onto his bed. I cuddled my face into the
pillow and pulled the covers over my body. Warm. I smiled, still starring at my
eyelids, until I opened them to take in one more vision of Chris. He sat down,
pretty cautious of my legs. I wouldnt have minded. He didnt look my way. His
hands folded into each other and he brought it to his chin. Was he going to talk to
me or play with Ashen? I thought his intention was to play 360.
I waited. What did he want? His facial expression was so different. Maybe it was
just the lighting. It was dark in the room and the hallway light sunk in from the
halfway opened doorway. He looked way older and mature compared to his sweet-evil
face. Death, Vicky, It wasnt really a sentence. Maybe he was about to tell me
what death was, You have these dreams often? His eyes didnt move, or even blink,
In your dreams, other people are the ones killing you. Right? He said that, as
if it were hard for him to say. Was this on his mind all day? I felt bad. I made
him worry about this. I should have kept it to myself. He wasnt done, I mean,
Youre not dreaming about killing yourself. You know, suicide. My eyes shot open,
wide. How was he even saying this? No way! Of course not! I shouted almost
instantly, Are you going to take me seriously at all?!? I pulled the covers over
my head. I didnt want to deal with this right now. It was bad enough he invited
Ashen tonight. He pulled all of the sheets off me. He glared hard at me, almost
speaking through his teeth, like they were glue together or something, This IS
serious! Look at you! How could I? I was me. I wouldnt see the same thing as
Chris. I knew that. He calmed himself down a little before going on, You worry me
sometimes, Victoria. What he said almost went right passed me because of my
thinking. But I managed, Why? Because I had a dream, you think Im a suicidal
maniac!? My arm lifted to punch him in the face. He had no right to assume
something like that. I was not suicidal! My fist didnt reach its destination. It
was stopped by that big hand of his. It was almost as big as my face. If he wanted,
he could pick me up by the head. I wouldnt like that though. His attention was on
me now. He was looking right at me, I never said you were one! But youre so
confusing, you make me wonder! Well, now you know, I stole my hand back from him
and turned so my face could rest on the pillow. I didnt want to look at him. He
wasnt Christian. He wasnt acting like himself. He was acting normal. He was
acting like that good for nothing JT, before he turned Goth, I hate you, Chiller.
I used his last name. It fit, and it showed I was serious about what I had said. He
didnt do anything really after that. He hardly moved. I guess, I went a little too
hard on him, but that was life. If it was rough, get a helmet because this
friendship is headed for a rocky road. After five minutes or so, he stood and
walked out. I felt bad. I felt like I was in the darkness. I felt alone. I sniffed
in. The scent from the pillow. It was Chris. It was nice. It was calming. He smelt
so amazing. I hugged the pillow and smiled. It widened. I stole a glance of his ass
before he left the room. Wow, I must be bipolar...

Chapter TWO
I woke up. It was dark outside. It was dark before I went to sleep, but that was
because of all of the damn clouds. It was night. I looked at the glowing green
numbers on the clock. They read 8:13. Already? I wasted this day. I rubbed at my
eyes. They felt a little better. Better than before at least. I decided to get up,
but I took the comforter with me. I put it over my shoulders and headed out the
door, into the bright hallway. I could hear the video game from downstairs. Some
shooting game. JT was here. I could pick up a Thats not fair! from him. I slowly
walked down the stairs, peaking my head into the view. I forgot my hood wasnt on.
My hair must have looked like a total mess. I just watched them play, but my eyes
were mostly on Chris. He was sitting on the floor. One knee up (his right leg) and
his other leg was curved under the arch his right leg made. His finger pressed the
buttons fast and stressful. His eyes were on the T.V. He was still wearing his
jeans, but now I could see his shirt. It was red, but over it was a thin jacket, a
darker shade of red. He wasnt wearing his hat either. His emerald hair was
showing. His long bangs were combed to a side and his hair had a little shine to
it. I wonder if he does his hair that way, or if its just perfect like that all
the time. His eyes looked up at the stairs for a second, then back down at the T.V.
screen, as if he hadnt seen anything. He stopped what he was doing and looked
where I was again, as if I were some kind of ghost. JT was heard in the background,
screaming something like, Yes! I finally killed you, fagface! The controller went
flying from his hands, doing a little happy dance. He wouldnt stop starring at me.
I began to blush, then hide my face with the covers. I was contemplating weather I
should walk down the stairs or back up them. I couldnt exactly read the expression
on his face. Maybe I should just leave. We were just starring each other down. Was
this my hint to get the fuck out? He calmed his face a little, his eyes looked back
at the screen. I was about to walk back up the stairs until he spoke out, Vicky,
get yer scrawny ass down here! He seemed that he had short patients with me. I
understood, since I did say I hated him. I regret it now. JT looked at Chris who
just busted into a shout, then up at the stairs when it registered in his brain he
was talking to me. His happy face was wiped away. Did I always have to ruin things
for other people? It always seems the moment I walk in a room, everyones
expression turns so vacant. I walked down the stairs so quietly. I was almost
afraid to. I hugged the blanket closer to myself, giving me some sense of
protection at least. I went over to Chris, as if he commanded me to sit next to
him. I kept a close distance though. I flinched when I sat, maybe thinking he would
hit me or something. He pointed a thick finger JTs way, Mexican. Warm something
up for her. He eyed him. Not blinking once. Serious again. This wasnt fucking
him! Im pissed. When he acts this way, it makes everything in my rib cage ache and
my throat begins to burn. I hated it. Chris not acting like Chris was the worse
thing. Its just as
bad as putting nasty creamers and sugar in coffee. JT froze where he was. He looked
down at those eyes, which were looking at him so intently. He nodded once and
walked towards the kitchen. What the hell was wrong with everyone? JT never listens
to Chris without a fight. He noticed Chris wasnt done talking. He stopped. Chriss
eyes werent on JT as he said this, And I think you should leave after youre
done. He closed his eyes now. Why were they acting so strange? JT went into the
kitchen. It was silent for a second. I didnt look at him. He didnt look at me. I
put the blanket over my head and pulled it close so only my eyes were visible. My
defense. Do you really hate me? He asked. He had this sadness I couldnt even
describe, What do you hate about me? He looked down, placing his hands on his
knees. Dude, I didnt mean it. I was mad. I just I couldnt finish. I didnt
even know what I was saying to start with. Silence. I scooted closer to him, he
moved away. Had I hurt him that bad? I looked at him now, Whats wrong? Dont
touch me, Vicky. Just dont touch me, He stood up looking around, wondering where
he would go next. It was his house. Maybe he was searching something else. You let
me before. Whats the difference now? I stared at him. What has gotten into him?
Then again, I wasnt exactly acting like myself either. I realized something, he
said. Realized? Realized what!? I took the covers off me and stared at him for a
long moment, Well, are you going to tell me, or is this a secret between you and
the Spic piece of shit?! My anger was rising. My heart was racing. Everything in
my chest began to ache. It was as if he never heard me call JT a name before. Maybe
I havent. Not out loud at least. But it sounded natural to me. I didnt tell
him, His gaze was on the window now. I walked over to him, resting my head on his
back and wrapping my arms around him. I was instantly pushed away. I stood there
alone. My heart was now pounding in my temples and my whole body began to ache. I
wanted to fucking cry. What the hell was this? Could I not find someone to give me
comfort? The comfort my parents never gave me? I just needed someone to hold me. I
wanted that someone to be Chris. I fucking hate you!! I shouted. I repeated
myself. I couldnt stop. I couldnt think. He was pissing me off. JT was in the
other room. No one was looking. Why couldnt I hold you!! Just say it! What do you
hate about me!? He screamed at the top of his lungs. JT must have known we were
fighting. He was just ignoring it. I fell to my knees and leaned forward so my
forehead was on the scratchy carpet. I dont know!? I dont know!? I dont know!?
I dont know!? I kept going. When I repeat something, its constant. Like a
fucking broken record. I didnt know why
I hated him. Maybe because he wouldnt let me hold him? I dont know? Why wouldnt
he? It didnt make any sense. I just wanted to put my arms around him. Feel him. He
was always so warm. He always felt like he cared. He was the only one on this
fucking planet who cared (about me). To everyone else I was nothing, to him. I was
at least something. I needed fucking comfort too! I needed it, now! What the hell
was this? This wasnt me. I must not have had my cigarette. Too bad I already had
five. I was acting like a little kid. My toy was taken away and Im screaming and
crying to have it back. I must look ridiculous. I heard the door shut. JT must have
left. He knew when he wasnt wanted. Good. He better. Stop crying, I heard him
say. What a retarded demand. How could I stop? If I could, I fucking would, dont
you think? But somehow, my body started to give out. My sobs stopped and my body
just fell to the ground. How does he fucking do it? Every single time. He tells you
to do something, it happens. Always. I choked on air a few times, but that was it.
My cheeks werent even wet. I was dry crying? Yeah, if that made any bit of sense.
I heard him move around. I didnt look up. He was messing with his 360. After, I
heard the springs of the couch. He was sitting down. I guess, he understood I was
just a fool. Just a Goddamn retard laying on his floor. The poor piece of crap,
just chilling in the middle of his carpet. I looked up. He had a bowl in his hands.
He stirred it with the silver spoon. Soup. Must have been chicken noodle. It
smelled like it. I was suddenly very hungry. Recap of what I had eaten today:
coffee, a smiley face cookie, and a couple bits of a sandwich. My stomach growled,
but I stayed where I was. Victoria! Dont make me force feed you! I will! That
was a big hint for me to get up on the couch and eat the damn soup, wasnt it? He
was in a pissy mood, but that was my fault. I stood up and slumped onto the couch,
not amused. I folded my arms and looked away from him. I was stubborn. I was not
going to give him an easy time. Chris always had his ways though. He took a
spoonful and blew at it, cooling it. He took his large fingers and pinched my
cheeks together, causing my face to look like a fishs. He shoved the spoon between
my lips and poured the liquid inside. I swallowed hard, then, struggled to get
free, Stop it! Let me go! He let go and I rubbed at my boney cheeks. I warned
you, He smirked. He looked like himself. He even sounded like himself, Now, we
can do this the easy way, He stirred the noodled broth quicker, or the hard way.
I knew the hard way. I didnt want to do that again. I sat closer to him and opened
my mouth wide, as if I were at the dentist. God, hate that place. Do they always
have to drill holes in your teeth? He placed the spoon in my mouth a second time,
third, fourth, fifth. Im just ignoring the fact the Spic prepared it. He watched
as I swallowed it as if he were entertained by it. The phone rang when I was going
for the sixth spoonful. He put the bowl down on the table, then got up from the
couch, God damn it! He walked
over to the phone and picked it up, What the hell do you want?! I didnt really
pay attention to the conversation. I just picked the bowl back up and started
eating it on my own. Did JT have to make the gay Campbells chicken noodle soup? It
was practically all broth and the little chicken chunks that looked like bacon
bits. The meat looked like it was punched in the face. Why was it all black and
blue looking. Do they stick chicken veins in here or something? I ate it anyways.
Ill just blame JT, again. He put the phone down and sat back on the couch in a
relaxed position, Well, Moms not gunna be home tonight. I didnt have to ask
why, he was already explaining, Shes drunk off her ass at another one of those
Goddamn parties. Lazy bitch. His feet rested on the table and held the controller
to his 360 in his hands. I took another sip and looked his way. He was kind of cute
when he was all pouty like that. I put down the bowl and made a pillow on his lap.
Get off, Vi! He whined. Up yours, I made myself comfortable. He wasnt the boss
of me, even if he technically was. But still. He sighed, not doing much after that,
but playing his game. He didnt looked down at me, You have to make things so
difficult, dont you? He pushed the buttons harder as if he were loosing. I
finally got in a comfortable position. The back of my head resting on one of his
upper legs and I got a view of his face too. I smiled and placed my hand to his
cheek, trying to get his attention somewhat. As my touch hit his face, he closed
his eyes and rotated his head so the front of his face was touching it now. The
videogame voice in back of me shouted, YOU LOSE! He motion down so my hand was
touching his forehead. He revealed his eyes a little, but they still werent
looking at me, Very difficult. He whispered. Im not exactly sure what he meant
by that. I didnt want to ask why he wouldnt let me touch him before, it might
ruin everything. I didnt really know what to think or really to say. Since my hand
was at his forehead, I ruffled those perfect strands of bangs. Messing them up, but
of course putting them back to normal. Change of topic, Victoria Chiller, Vicky
Chiller, Vi Chiller, Tori Chiller. I smiled, then gave off a confused face. Did I
just say that out loud?! I heard my mind say it, but why were my lips moving? Oh
shit! What? He looked down at me, almost sharing the same confused look I already
had. You know, I stammered a little, thinking of what I was going to say, It has
a good ring to it, right? God, I probably looked as dumb as I sounded. What was I
suppose to say? I didnt mean for him to hear it. Wow, Im not going to get a
pretty response from him, am I? He watched me with strict irritation, then smile
and he pet his hand through my messy laughed out his whisper, then looked up at and
bleeding on the ground, but it sounds shook his head. His face relaxed to a blonde
locks, Youre so weird, He the T.V. screen with his character dead nice together,
Avalanche.

My eyes widened, but not for long since they started to burn again. Did he just say
that? Compliments and Chris go together like ketchup and granola treats. Ick,
talk about a loss of appetite. But strangely, I liked it. Not the granola treats,
but the compliment. He wasnt acting like himself, but he was still himself. Wow,
if that made any kind of sense at all, shoot me now. I think youre going soft on
me, Chiller. I smirked, messing with him. He leaned back a little bit more, so he
was in more of a laying position. Shut up, He said, not really yelling it. It was
a moderate tone, You know I hate it when youre right. He was far from mad when I
saw him. He was still smiling. I blushed. He said that on purpose, didnt he? It
seemed way too foreign coming from his mouth. It would be a thousand years when he
would admit something retarded like that. Maybe I had actually been here for a
thousand years. It felt like it. I know you just woke up, but we better get to
bed, He pushed up, then stopped. He saw I wasnt moving. We? We meant: me and him,
right? We? Bed? His bed? I sat there, thinking about it, as if I were in that damn
math class again. Something didnt want to register that thought in my brain. But
arent I suppose to go home? I glanced at him. Well, If you want, I can drive you
home, He placed two fingers to my cheeks, then forehead. Was he checking my
temperature? Why was laying next to Chris tonight making my heart jump out of my
chest? Ive done it many times before. More than enough. Was it because he was
acting so differently? I place my fist on my chest and it felt like the blood
around my ribs were on fire, it reached to my cheeks. It made his touch feel hot. I
sat up quickly and looked away, Um I dont care. Now, I was shy? What the hell
was this? He sighed and stood up, Alright, let me get my keys then. He went
towards the kitchen, obviously where he held his car keys. Wait! I shouted before
he could step foot into the area. I didnt mean for it to come out so loud. I
guess, I was just frustrated, or scared. Something along those lines. I looked down
and spoke again, I wanna stay. It was quieter this time. Well, what are you
waiting for? Get your ass to bed, He turned and headed up the stairs. I followed.
We slept. It wasnt long until I woke up from my sleep a few hours after I started.
I sat up trying to control my breaths and tears in the dark room, so I wouldnt
wake Chris up too. I left, into the hallway and tripped, once only. I stood up and
sobbed hard running down the stairs outside and onto the porch. Where I sat,
practically hyperventilating as I search every pocket for my lighter and a
cigarette. My hands shaking so bad, I could hardly light the damn thing. I took in
the first breath and sighed out. Funny, how something so stupid can calm a person
down. A little anyways. Tears were still pouring from my eyes. I had that dream
again. I was standing on the street. Then, a huge semi-truck from nowhere came
right at me. I woke up before it actually hit.
Small pussy ass sobs came from my mouth as I thought about it again. Im sick of
these dreams! The night before I drowned to death. The night before I was hanged.
My sobs became louder. The night before that a spinning saw blade cut me in half.
That same night, I was in a burning building and the ceiling collapsed on top of
me. My sobs were even louder now. So loud I couldnt control it. There was no way
in hell I was waking Chris up. I bit my lip (which my smoke was already on the
ground) and pulled at my hair, trying to stop the noises coming from within my
throat. It wasnt working. It wasnt fucking working! The light went on. Shit! His
fucking bedroom light was on! Damn it! I stood up and began to sprint down the
driveway. Why was I so Goddamn loud?! The door open. I was too fucking slow. I only
just made it to the end of the driveway before I heard Chris scream, Vicky! Where
the Hell do you think youre going?! Get back in here! It was a demand. I would
have. I really would have followed that order more quickly, but I didnt want him
to see me. I put my hood on and tied it tight, slowly making my way back to him. He
glanced at the ground and picked up what I had left behind. He looked at it, then
at me, in disapproval. You know better than this. He said in a low voice, then
shouted the rest, You better have a fucking good reason for this bullshit! Those
deep dark eyes stared me down. I was in trouble. He would make sure I knew it too.
I didnt say anything. I tried to hide my face by looking at the ground. I was a
Goddamn failure in his eyes, werent I? I sniffed, tears still dripping from my
eyes. He couldnt see. I dont think. Do you really like staying in my house!? In
my home, Tori?! Or is it not fuckin good enough!? He stated, louder than before.
He was fucking serious. He was fucking furious. I failed him so much. I wish I was
dead. Since, I was already in his eyes. I sucked in small hiccups of air. I hated
myself. I hated my face. I made him mad. I hated myself. I rubbed my eyes, but
instead I just left my hands at my eyes.. The only thing that would satisfy me is
if he took his anger out on me. Even if it was hurting me. I could care less if he
beat me to the damn ground and I was bleeding from every part of my body. I just
didnt want him to hate me like this. Victoria! Are you even listening to me!?
Look at me! He grabbed my head, trying to make eye contact. I wouldnt. I
resisted. No! Leave me alone! I struggled to keep my face hidden. I didnt want
him to see. Why did he want me to listen? I knew everything. I know I was the
biggest loser alive. And I knew I was a disappointment to all. What the Hells
wrong with you! Look at me, damn it! He pulled at my hood, trying to bring my head
up. Before he could, I hugged at his body and gave my face a new hiding place. In
his chest. Stop it! Dont look at me! I couldnt stop. I let everything go. I
cried my Goddamn eyes out. I didnt stop. I fucking hated this. I hated myself. He
was silent.
I could only hear my own whimpers. He wasnt saying anything. I cried. He put his
arms around me. I squeezed tighter. This was the first time hes ever shown any
real emotion back, with me knowing about it. He cared. He never showed it, but he
did. He finally opened to me. He finally approved of my actions. He didnt push
away. He didnt do nothing. He took me into his arms, and comforted me. Giving me
what I have always wanted. He let me in a little bit closer to himself. He pulled
me away a little. I tried to stop him, but he flipped the hood from off my head. He
took a long look, What do you see that I cant? My bangs were sticking to my wet
face. He brushed them away. I watched him. He didnt want to know what I saw. I saw
everything differently. Its almost like Im looking at a different world compared
to everyone else. It was a whole different world. A big, screwed up world, only I
could see. And Chris was the greatest of everyone. Again, Im not straight, but he
was perfect in my eyes. Hes judgmental, happy, sad, angry, protective, serious,
funny and everything else. Even his bad qualities seemed to have a hold on me. He
was real. He was himself. He didnt have to look perfect to be perfect. Youre not
goin to talk, are you? He backed off a little. He had this weird softness to his
voice, like if he spoke to loud, I would break. I wouldnt. Honest. He brought his
thumb up to my eyes and wiped the wet spot under it. Another stream came down. I
dont know what you want me to do. I dont even know why youre doin this shit.
He stood there. Nothing more, nothing less. I guess, he was just waiting for me to
calm down. I knew I needed an explanation. I shivered. C-can we go back in? I
managed to stutter out. He nodded once and lead me back inside. It was back in his
room where I actually started right away. I explored his room, looking through
mission was to find some pajamas. I usually only be totally awkward sleeping next
to Chris. I was clothes though. the conversation again, but not drawers and his
closet. My wear my underwear, but that would kind of sick of wearing my

I picked up a T-shirt with Buffy on it. I figured he probably wouldnt wear it to

school anytime soon. We havent seen that show on for ages. It was the biggest show
alive when we were younger, but the seasons finally ended and all their were was
re-runs. It was Friends all over again. I picked up a pair pajama bottoms with
little strings on them, so, I could at least try to tie it to my waist line. I
pulled my coat from over my head and looked myself in the mirror, on Chriss closet
door. I saw his reflection in the mirror. He was laying down in his bed,
looking at the ceiling. I dreamt about it again, I started. I pulled the new
shirt over my head. It was really baggy and fell to a side, so my skinny shoulder
was poking through the neck piece. I watched him in the mirror again. His attention
was on me to continue, You, know. Dying. I slid my pants off, but didnt mind
since the shirt almost came down to a dress on me (My knees at least). I brought
the oversized pajama bottoms to my waist and pulled the strings, until it some-what
fit (not really). I tied a bow and the strings hung down to my thigh. I looked at
myself in the mirror. It was so baggy on me. No one could ever fill Chriss shoes
as good as he could, himself. Having this dream a lot? He questioned. I couldnt
tell if he was looking at my back, or the reflection of me in his mirror. Last
couple weeks, I replied. I only spoke the truth. I began to walk over to him, Is
this good? I asked permission. He nodded, Its fine. It didnt matter to him, I
guess. He got back onto the subject before, Every night? He looked a little
concerned, but he could probably tell by the dark circles under my eyes. I nodded.
Telling him this out loud made it sound a lot less scary. It kind of made me look
like a total pussy. I sat on the bed, next to him and looked away. Then, you need
to get some sleep. He said simply, almost halfway falling asleep. I went under the
covers and found a nice place to lay. On top of him. My head found his chest, my
body rested on his stomach, and my feet fell wherever they fell. I looked up, into
his face, Protect me? I asked in a scared weak voice. Whatever, ho, He said
almost automatically. He turned his head to the side and soft snores soon found his
throat. Out cold. But he would have been already, if I didnt wake him up...

Chapter THREE

-BEEP! -BEEP! -BEEP! I forgot about waking up so damn early in the morning, but the
fucking alarm didnt. I didnt even really feel like moving. Plus, it was freezing
again. The only real good thing was, I didnt have anymore nightmares that night.
So, I had a better sleep than I usually did. Wonder why. My hand lifted and tried
to shut off the loud beeping noise, but another hand got to it first. I was freaked
out at first. I opened my eyes and saw I was in Chriss room. Almost forgot I spent
the night. I was use to waking up in my room.
I heard him swear in back of me. His arm had to reach over me and his hand smacked
down at the snooze button, Damn it He whispered in a tired voice, as he arm fell
over my body. I was tempted to snuggle closer to his warmth, but if I did that, I
wasnt getting up. I shoved him a little and whispered, Cmon, dude. Time to get
up. My voice was scratchier than I thought. I must have been getting sick. After a
few minutes of him not responding to my push and sat up, shivering. Damn it,
Chris. Get up! I said a little louder. I could, my throat felt somewhat better. He
rolled over so his back was facing me, Five mo minutes. His sentence was
followed by snores. I stole the covers and tugged a little too them tangled around
me. Half were still on just laid there for a couple second before the bed, watching
as my legs hung over the more minutes before trying again. I waited only about two.
Alright. Alright! He sounded a little irritated, like I was still bugging him to
get up or something. He slowly sat up, rubbing at his eyes. He looked out the
window, God fucking damn it. I think he was pissed that the sun wasnt even up
yet. He shifted so he was right behind me and rested his forehead on my back,
Shit He sighed. I felt his warm breath on my back. I shivered again, but for
different reasons. It isnt that bad, I tried to reassure him. Well, if a poe
piece of crap didnt wake me up last night He didnt finish the rest because he
felt the rest of self explanatory. It was. Youll never let me live this down,
will you? I blinked, trying to keep my vision direct. Damn straight, bitch. Now,
get choe bitch ass up and out of my way, He lifted his head from my back and
pushed me forward a bit. Jesus, give me a second! I felt the nudge and almost
fell on my face again. I got to my feet, but it felt like my head was somewhere
else. I was dizzy as fuck. I rubbed my temples and made a seat on a chair, next to
his little desk. He watched me making soft complaining noises, Stop yo bitching,
Vicky! He stood up and walked out the room. I pulled the pajama bottoms up. I
guess, the tie loosened in my sleep. I wasnt going to bother tying it again.
Pointless. Since, I was going to get in the shower in a few anyways. I went to the
downstairs bathroom because the upstairs one was off limits. I got inside and shut
the door. Obviously, since I was taking a shower, I took my clothes off, then took
a leak. First thing I do in the morning. Pee. It was cold. I hurried and got behind
the curtain so the hot water could warm me up. I stood there, letting the water
soak onto me. It felt good, really. It did. I didnt take long though. I just do
what I have to and get out. So, I did. hard so I landed on the ground with him. Why
was I so clumsy? I sighed and getting myself to stand. I sat back on edge of it. I
figured I would wait five
Scatter brain, again. I left my clothes in Chriss room. I shook my head and slowly
got upstairs. I didnt really hear anything, so I figured I was in the clear. Just
snatch my things and change. I walked passed the bathroom. The door was shut and
the lights were on. I assumed it was still occupied and no one was in his room. I
opened the door and strolled all in. I froze when I saw that he was inside, looking
through his closet. He didnt really notice me. He just didnt have a shirt wearing
a different pair of loop. His ass looked pretty I blushed. You need something,
Tory? He asked suddenly. I wasnt ready and jumped a little. Talk about Tweeking
out. I felt even more stupider, Just my clothes. These? He pointed to the
orange pile on the floor. He looked to me then the clothes again. He walked over to
them and bent down to grab them. Did he seriously bend over? It felt like my eyes
were humping all life out of his ass. I walked closer. My eyes glued. But not after
my side ran into his desk, feeling like it scrapped my bare skin. My head wasnt
exactly on Earth yet, so my body lost balance and I ended up on the ground. The
desks chair followed after me, landing right on top. I guess, he heard the crash
because he hurried over to me and looked down, then away, Uh, dude. Eye contact
was not happening anytime soon for some reason. I pushed the chair off me and
looked at him. Trying to figure out what he meant, What? I watched him. I looked
down. Holy shit! I knew what was wrong! Hanging off the side of the desk was my
towel. It snagged when I fell. Meaning, what the Hell was I wearing?! I grabbed the
towel quickly and covered my chest and ran out with my clothes. Total fucking
embarrassment. I cant chew gum and walk at the same time, can I? You dont even
understand how fast I dressed. It left me sitting on the couch, just thinking about
it. I was an idiot. A dumb fucking blonde. I heard him walking down the stairs. I
didnt look up once. I dont think he did either, since he walked right passed me.
That only shows how much of a loser I am. I put my hands over my face and tried to
keep my thinking to a minimum. Maybe I should start walking to school. If I left
now, I would make it on time to second hour at least. He came back and sat down
next to me. I guess there was a change of plans today. He handed me a bowl of
cereal and he kept his own. He was eyeing the T.V. even if there was nothing on it
yet. I took what was offered to me and I sat, looking at myself in the black screen
of the T.V. I was little. Nothing. Nothing compared to him. Our eyes met in the
But, I mean, it wasnt like he was naked or anything. on (hence him looking through
his closet). He was jeans. Black ones. With a studded belt through each awesome in
those too.
reflection of it, but he took the remote in his hand shortly after. He sat it on
his lap and began to eat. Dude, I uh Yeah, Somehow it felt like I was making
this a whole lot worse than it was already. Shut up, He took in another spoonful
and chewed, Dont worry about stupid shit like that. If it make ya feel any
better, I didnt see nothin. Within a few bites his serving was almost gone. Mine
was still there. I tried to concentrate on what was on T.V. I couldnt add anything
else, so I changed the subject, Where do you think youll go after you die, Chris?
Heaven or Hell? It was a random question, I know. But it has been on my mind for
some time now. Neither, He said, plainly. He eyed me and continued, Between you
and me, I think youre nothing after youre dead. You dont go anywhere. Your mind
just shuts off and youre looking at a blank screen for eternity. He took his last
bite and put it on the table, But I wouldnt surprised if you got into Heaven. He
smirked. Yeah? What makes me so different? I was a little confused by his answer.
He just said neither, but now hes telling me I can get into Heaven. Which, I
think, is total bull. He shook his head and laughed, Nothing. Nothing at all. He
stood up and brought his bowl into the kitchen. The flashback from before went
through my mind. Youre as light as a fucking Goddamn angel! My cheeks burned
with this awkward feeling. Why did it seem like that had something to do with it?
He does this on purpose, doesnt he? I always get this weird feeling when Im in a
middle of a serious conversation. He twists words around just so he can do this to
me. Man, I wish I knew what he was doing to me, so I could stop it. He came back
with his bowl full again. It wasnt long until he started destroying that too. I
looked at mine. I still didnt even start it. I watched him for a second, Tall
guys gotta eat, huh? I joked with him. I would never go too far with my jokes
though. Not like Kira. Where he would say something like, Damn, Chris. You can
feed a third world country with all that food you eat. Yeah, youll never hear me
saying that to him. Amazonian, He corrected and went about his business. I
finally took my first bite. Soggy. Great. Thats what I get, I guess. I only ate a
little bit more before I put it aside. Dude, you hate Kira. I said, without much
warning. Yeah, so? He looked at me as if that were obvious. You invited her, I
pointed out, not in a very cheerful way. And? He said as if it werent a big
deal. Well, it wasnt a big deal, but maybe
more of a medium deal. Why would you let someone over that you hate? I asked,
running out of patience. I let you come over, dont I? He watched me serious, but
only for a second before he nudged me with his elbow, No, Im just kidding.
Well. Then, why!? It was bad enough he said THAT. You dont joke around with that
shit. Does it matter? He watched me, now, as if I was starting offend him or
something. Yes! I shouted. Can I ask you why it matters? Youre friends with
her, right? He said coolly. I went silent. Why did it matter? I searched my mind
for that answer. How could I say what I wanted to say without it sounding gay?
Kira, she I stopped, trying to read words that popped into my vision, I Its
not her. She just She doesnt under Shes Kira. I sat there. All of those words
were nothing and my reason ended up being Kira is Kira. I smacked my hand to my
face having it slide down it. God, was that stupid. Well, Yeah. He said with his,
I knew that, tone of voice. Are you jealous? His voice sounded more teasingly
now. My head shot up, No, Im not Jealous! I watched him, wanting to smack him in
the face for even thinking that! She wont take your place, dude. Youre still my
best friend. He put his around my shoulders and whispered in my ear, To tell the
truth I felt a little bad for the girl. He blew a warm laugh onto my skin. Once
his face was so close to me, I forgot everything. My mind went blank. What were we
talking about?! His whisper came out incoherent when it hit my ear. His low soft
voice practically melted my eardrum away. His breath hit my neck and I took in his
vibrant breath through my mouth. The air hit my lips and I felt a small kicking
throb between my legs. It wasnt much, but enough to get me high. Ready? He stood
once again and took our bowls. He left the room and went into the kitchen for the
third time. I laid on the couch. When he left, it felt like all gravity fell on me.
The spot under me, where he had been sitting, it was still warm. I nuzzled my face
closer to it. I literally felt so high. I wanted something. I didnt know what. I
craved something so bad. I bit at my lips. They wanted something. They wanted
attention. I brushed my lips across the warm spot of the couch. They tingled. What
the Hell was wrong with me. I clutched my teeth, then bit at the cushion. I felt so
frustrated. I wanted to kill something, but I was so Goddamn happy at the same
time. Dude, If youre THAT hungry, you could have had more cereal, It was his
voice. He twirled the key of his car on his finger. He was amused. I was seriously
chewing on his couch? Holy crap! I sat up and my high was shot. I wiped my mouth
and looked down at the wet spot. Could I get a little weirder today? I was insane
already and it was only six oclock.
When we rode to school, I found out he promised to pick Kira up. I sacrificed my
seat for the back. I needed my space anyways. If they started a conversation, maybe
he would forget about me making out with his sofa. I was staring into space, until
Kira looked back at me, Vicky, would you mind doing me a favor? She had that
innocent look. Sure, I said, not really wanting to, but Id humor her. She
searched her orange coat pocket and handed me a folded paper with the name JT on
it, Can you give this to JT, dude. I really need him to read it. She meant what
she said, and I could tell it was important to her. I took the note and looked at
her, Why arent you going to She answered before I could even finish. He said
he would kill me if I showed my face to him ever again, She turned back around. I
couldnt see her anymore. No, let me take it, Chris interrupted. He fixed his
rearview mirror so he could see me, and I could see his eyes. I can do it! I
shouted, still frustrated for some reason. Who the Hell did he think he was? I had
enough brains to do something so simple. Did he take me for a complete idiot? Im
dumb, but not that dumb! I know you can do it, but he started. I finished, No!
I can fuckin do it, you fuckin fag son of a bitch! I pointed at his eyes that
were in the mirror. They grew angry. Pissed as ever. The car swerved hard to the
right, until we were on the shoulder of the road. It stopped immediately and all of
our bodies were forced forwards, then back again. Almost getting whiplash. Chris
got out and opened the back door, where I was. He grabbed me and pulled me closer
to his face, the seatbelt digging into my skin. What the HELL did you call me!?
His grip was way too tight, but the fire in his eyes triggered something. I wonder
if I could push his anger even more. I wanted that. My craving was slowly being
satisfied by his rage. I called you a fucking fag son of a bitch, Chris! What are
you going to do about it!? I shouted out loud and proud, having this huge smile on
my face. I dug my fingers into his sides and pulled myself forward a little more as
the seatbelt grinded on me harder. Why did I like it? I wanted pain! Stop it,
Chris! Dont do it! Kira shouted, from her seat. She seemed worried as fuck. Shut
up! He said, but he turned his attention back at me, Im gonna beat you to the
fucking ground, Tory! He screamed back. Do it! I returned words and laughed my
damn lungs off. I couldnt stop this happiness. I wanted so much pain! I must have
looked so insane.
He lifted a fist up about to punch me. I could tell he wanted to kill me. He wanted
to get rid of me. He was sick of me, wasnt he? Chris! No! Remember, hes your
friend! You said youd be there for him, dude! Dont do it! I know you think it
will help, but after youll regret it! Trust me! Damn it! Kira was preaching
again! And her words were actually making some sense. Unlike mine. His hold on me
loosened. The fury calmed some on his face, but it was still there. I said Id
protect you, He finally let me go. I felt like a damn slingshot when he dropped
me. I was strapped into the belt good, wasnt I? I finally got my sense of reality
back. What was I doing!? I was pissing him off on purpose. So, he could beat me up?
Why the hell would I want that from him? The rest of the ride there, was silent.
When the car stopped in the parking lot, I rushed out before the others and into
the school. I didnt want to look at eithers face. They were probably talking
about me. I wasnt insane! I just wanted something! I dont know what! Passing the
halls, I noticed the boy I was suppose to give the letter to. JT. He was standing
in the corner. His eyes looked darker than mine. His tips were died blonde, but the
rest was pitch black. He wore the black gloves where the finger tips were cut off
and his finger nails were painted black. He licked his finger and turned a page in
a little black book he was reading. I couldnt see the title of the book because of
his hand being in the way, but I did manage to get the authors name on the bottom.
Edgar Allen Poe. He must be obsessed with the guy. He had on a black shirt with
the word Nevermore on it. One of the poets famous poems. I took a step his way.
Why was I so afraid to approach him? Well, maybe because he looked like a killer. I
didnt want to take another step. I didnt want to give this stupid note to him.
Vi, He said not looking my way until folding a corner in his book and closing it.
He rested his head on the wall in back of him as if he had no energy at all. He
spoke out again, his voice. It was so different. It was deep, slow, and empty.
What do you want? You wouldnt be starring at me for nothing. He looked away,
Even though most people do? Was he serious? They were starring at you because
LOOK AT YOU! How dont you understand that? Id love to say all that, but it didnt
have that much courage on me. JT, I said, taking another step forward. He lift
his hand to stop me from saying another word, Its Raven My name is Raven Um,
Raven, This was too weird. Plus, wasnt Raven a little girly for a murder look a
like. Then again, it was probably a Edgar Allen Poe thing again. Kira she He cut
me off again. Man, talk about hard to talk to, Kira She fills my soul with such
hate Her presence makes me want to hang her by her fragile little throat I dont
want anymore to do with her Those emotions of hers are too complex
I was getting kind of sick of his attitude right now. Hes not the only depressed
person on this Goddamn Earth! I glared at him and held the note in front on him,
Im not here to listen to youre damn poetry! I just want to give you this note
and leave! His eyebrows lifted a bit, indicating my actions were a bit of a
surprise to him, but he was back to his normal self in a matter of seconds. He
pushed my hand away weakly and watched me, Tell me something, Vi Are you sick of
this life as much as me? Does it feel like people dont understand your motives?
They just take one look at you and expect the worst from you? I couldnt ignore
those questions. Thats how I felt. It was as if he read my past thoughts. Read
them, took notes, and spoke them back in a few sentences. Whwhy?! I was still in
my bad mood. I still wanted something. Poor, confused, Vi You know so little He
folded his arms across his chest, What is it that makes you hurt so much?
Hurt?! Nothings hurting me, you freak! He was seriously pissing me off now. I
regret even staying for those worldly questions. Not physically He pushed his
palm onto my forehead, then to my chest, Mentally What is making you so upset?
Why do you cry so much? Why do you sleep less? Why do you scare so easily? Why
is your frustration at a point where you can explode with rage any minute with the
proper push? Oh my God! Did he get all of that from a couple words and facial
expressions!? He was reading me like a damn book! How the hell was he doing it?! I
dont know?! I mean None of that! You just! I! I stopped. I was making an ass
of my self with each word. You can talk to me Out of the four of us I always saw
you as the least insane He took a seat on the ground. He slouched a little. His
eyes were closed, giving off an even darker look from his eyes. I sat with him.
Actually, in front of him. I was least insane? Not if he saw me a couple minutes
ago. I took a breath, and looked at the ground. He lifted my chin so we were
watching each others eyes. His eyes were black, like mine. Understand this
Whatever you tell me will not be repeated So, if you have something you need to
get out now would be the time Like what? I dont know where to start? I was
confused about what I had to talk about. I wasnt good with my feeling and how my
mind worked. I looked down again. He lifted my chin again, Well start with
something simple He released his hand, still starring right through me, Where
are you or what do you do when you arent working or at school? Im I
started, I had to think. It was a hard question since I usually was at work and
school most my life. Hanging with Chris. I finished, wondering what he would say
after. He nodded as if he understood something, And what do you do? I shrugged,
You know, play videogames, watch T.V., the usual stuff. I just
thought about it. The usual stuff might not be the same usual stuff for him. It
looked as if he understood anyways, Do you like it? Well, yeah, I remembered
Chris saying the same thing to me this morning on the couch. It sounded just like
his tone too. I bet Kira hangs out with you guys too He said with a harsh spit
to it. Yeah I mimicked JTs anger. He looked up at me with a slight shock,
Thats bad for you? I got myself comfortable for this one, Yes! She wasnt
even invited. I mean, she asks ME if she can come over to Chriss! Who does that
,dude?! And she probably guilt tripped Chris into saying yes too! She just, The
rest was followed with a loud aggravated noise. It was hardly heard since the tardy
bell rang. I didnt care. I wasnt going to first hour. He cupped, then laced his
fingers together and placed him close to his mouth. I think he was hiding a smile.
Was that funny to him? Id show him funny! I had no idea, dude. My eyes
widened. JTs voice sounded like his own again. Well, for that moment at least. He
cleared his throat, and removed his hands, showing his frown again, Does she get
in the way? All the time! My mind was back on the subject. This stupid subject
practically revolved around me. I mean, were having a serious moment and Kira
fucks it up! If you know Chris like I do, you dont see that a lot! You like the
serious side of him? He asked me, mellow. Calm. Well, sort of. Its not him,
but it makes it easier to talk to him. I like the joking side of him too, dont get
me wrong. I dont know? I kind of like every side of him. I trailed off a little.
How does he make you feel when Kira isnt there? He was getting deeper than I
wanted him to, but I wasnt going to stop him. I scooted closer to the wall so my
back was to it. I looked through our memories. So many, Safe. I looked up as if
something was there. I couldnt help, but smile. I dont feel alone with him.
Nothing can hurt me. Hell protect me if they try. He soothes this aching inside my
chest, but at the same time he can make it worse. I looked over at J Raven and
was scared to finish. He nodded and told me to continue. These dreams Ive been
having. Something bad happens to me in them but, I swallowed, I got some sleep
last night. I woke up once, but after when he told me he would protect me, I
slept. I was stuttering a lot through that. Why was it so hard to say out loud to
someone else? Something bad happen? I would think youd be happy He opened his
book again and began scanning the page. Maybe he knew this was going to take a
while. I dont know what happened, The answer was fine for me, for a couple
seconds at least. I wanted him to hurt me. I was pissed. I wanted to piss him
off.
He flipped to the next page, Do you have emotions built up inside you? Fighting
is one way to release such pain I crossed my legs and brought if I was happy with
him about wouldnt let me take the note kid! I held my head, I just my legs to
beat to you. feel so closer to my chest, I dont know? I guess, me up. But that
wasnt what started it. He He wanted to do it himself. Im not a little frustrated
with everything!

His finger tips reached at to my temples and he began to rub them in circles. His
eyes didnt leave the book in his lap though, I understand Are you feeling a
strong desire for something? I leaned forward a little, relaxing from the
massage, Yes. I dont know what I want. I want something. He stopped what he had
been doing and turned another page, Chris Have you made yourself comfortable
around him? I blinked not sure what he mean, What? Have you done small things
like. Touch his arm hold his hand sit a little too close to him? His eyes were
on me now. It must have been an important question then. Maybe, I couldnt say
yes. It wouldnt work that way. But Ive done those things around him. To him. How
does he respond? He tilted his head a little. He I stopped, not wanted to say
anything more, Nothing. That was the truth too. Is Chris your source of comfort
when you cant turn to your parents? How was he hitting every nail on the head?
I cant ever turn to my parents. Theyve done nothing but beat me. Beat me for
stupid shit. Shit that isnt even my Goddamn fault! My anger was rising and I
started shaking. Not this again. Why did people have to keep bringing this up?
Chris helps you forget about all of that doesnt he? Hes your escape from that
I bet hes afraid to point out those bruises you have How did he know I had
bruises? He probably thinks youll run away if he asks about your life at home
For a big guy with a high ego hes scared of the most trivial things This was so
weird. He hasnt talked to any of us since that day his mom got killed. The day he
turned Goth again. The day he beat down Chris in front of the whole school. The day
he made Kira cry in public for the first time. The day he became more of a
conformist than the Goth kids. Anyway off topic So Hes done nothing back?
I What was I going to say? He hugged me, but thats because I was upset and
crying. Ah. So, he has This didnt happen too long ago did it? It seemed
like he knew where he was going with this. Last night, I blushed, but looked down
to hide it. Just thinking about it made me have that weird feeling again.
Thought so Youre addicted He sat back and opened his book again. Ad-dict-ed?
To what? I wasnt understanding. What did this have to do with smoking? Youve
been deprived of comfort your whole life No one understood you Until you went to
the hospital Chris realized he cared Ever since, you go to his house in your free
time because he gives you that care youve been kept away from You always go back
for more, even if he does nothing back Comfort is still comfort weather it is
returned or not But once it has been expressed back you expect more You want
more You could be frustrated sexually He knew so Goddamn much! But it all
sounded so blended together. It was like listening to a doctor. I would know. What
are you trying to say? I looked confused as much as I was. Tell me Vi Have you
ever kissed him? He looked right at me. With those murderous eyes. I backed away
a little, N-no! What the Hell!? Something felt so wrong all of a sudden! I knew
this was a bad idea! He grabbed my wrists and forced them to the wall. He
whispered, Dont deny it Not when its too late His face was so close. Closer
than I wanted. I saw him close his eyes and move in even closer. Lips lingered
close to mine, but did not connect, Go on Relieve this frustration Vi My whole
body quivered. Im not straight. Why was he telling me I was? I wasnt. He breathed
hard. Each blow hit my lips and that signal went down from my chest, to my stomach,
and lower between my legs. That same throbbing feeling was happening again. This
time, much more. And again, I was high. I wanted this. Lust was taking over
everything. He was fucking right. I understood everything now. I was never loved,
and now that I had one taste of it. I needed more! I started, small and slow,
carefully sucking a small portion of his bottom lip. I closed my eyes, he was.
Maybe I was suppose to too. I kept the small kisses going. I pictured Chriss mouth
now. I leaned my head forward and deepened the kiss, until his whole bottom lip was
in my mouth. He wasnt doing anything. If I was doing the same thing to Chris, hed
probably just sit there too. I bit at his lip and slid my teeth off it, Kiss back,
Damn it!!! He laughed into my mouth, Just checking if youre ready. His fingers
laced with mine now and he pressed his face closer, returning the favor on my top
lip. He motioned his head to the side his mouth wider with each kiss. His tongue
glided across my teeth and gums. It was unless opened wasnt so warm and foreign.
My mouth has it was my own. I motioned my lips more and my own tongue snaked out
bad. I opened it more to taste it never felt something like that ever, with the
same rhythm as his. My jaw to quickly touch his, then, retreated. It again, but
something different happened.

He pushed in closer and his tongue invaded my mouth. It was licking every surface
of it. His body grinded against mine, with the same rhythm as his kisses. I tried
to fight back with my own tongue. It didnt even work. They were wet and just slid
off one another. So, my tongue followed the other who was making laps around my
mouth. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed my body with his.
The pressure was building. Wait, this was wrong, wasnt it? No, this is what I
wanted! No, Im only doing this because Shut up! You want this! JTs tongue did
one final twirl around my mouth, before he pulled away. He un zipped my coat and of
course I wasnt wearing anything under it, save a bra. He removed it from my
shoulders and hung from my elbows. He began to glide his tongue across the my neck
and shoulder. He chose a spot, right in the middle of my neck. God, guilt was
starting to pour over. Thats enough, I said, hoping hed stop. I had to admit,
it did relieve something, but left behind the bad feeling of guilt. Well, I didnt
really have anything to be guilty about. I mean, we werent really doing anything.
It was under control, right? So, no harm done. And Im still not straight. I swear
it. JT liked to call it love deprived. Maybe it was a weird mental condition. He
stopped what he was doing and looked at me, Youre an easy one to please, arent
you Vi? He smiled, havent seen him do that for awhile. Even when he was his
normal boring self. He untangled my legs that were around him and stood up, but not
before he picked his book up. He walked down the hall, reading that damn book with
a cheerful look on his face. Weird. I shrugged it off and got up. I figured Id go
to my spot and smoke one before second period started. No use going now. It didnt
matter really. I felt relieved and maybe I could actually go on throughout the day.
As long as I wasnt straight. Ive already come out, I cant go back in.

Chapter FOUR

Frustration. It was building again. I couldnt sit still during fourth period. I
needed more again. My face burned and I had a strong urge to just touch myself. I
couldnt stop picturing kissing Chris in my mind. Kissing me. Having his way with
me. It was too unbearable to sit through. And people were starting to notice too. I
quickly rose my hand, I have to go to the bathroom! I stood up and sprinted out
of the room, without having the teacher give me permission, or even I Goddamn pass.
I ran to the bathroom. I looked around. No one. I ran into a stall and closed it
shut. I pulled my pants down as fast as I could and sat on the seat. This feeling
was building up. This pressure rising so high, I thought I wouldnt be able to take
it anymore. Wouldnt this feeling go away?! Chriss voice spin through my mind:
Angel!
One of a kind, Vicky. I said, Id protect you. What do you see that I cant?
I realized something. Do you really hate me? Well, I dont know? Then, youd
have to marry me and be my bitch. You think youre up to that, Vicky? Whatever,
ho. He wont take your place, dude. Youre still my best friend. Intense
pressure came, then nothing. I felt fine. That feeling vanished. Then realization
hit me. Now, that, was a different story. My eyes watered, almost tearing. I came!
Holy shit! I came! I was freaking out! Mostly because I came when I was thinking
about Chris. Oh my God!! I wasnt after him! I couldnt be! This wasnt right.
What was I doing?! I quickly ran out and washed my hands. After I was done, they
still smelled like my mess. I washed them again. And again. And Again! But it
didnt help. The fucking sin I just did would never go away now. I cried in there,
looking at my pathetic stick figure, Oh my fucking God I sobbed, Im Im I
choked on tears that rose up from my throat. I held my face in my hands. I was so
ashamed. What would Chris think? Wait. Could I tell him? Hes my best friend, but
would he understand? No, I would just ruin my friendship and Id be left with
nothing. I cant tell him. What should I do? Where would I go now? Should I run
away? Run far, far away? Until my legs gave out? Until I stopped, laying on the
ground? Ready to die? Tears came quicker. Air seemed harder to get when my throat
was so burnt because of the outside cold. I was getting a cold. I could feel it
too. But that wasnt my first thing I was worrying about. Christian I whispered
between sobs. Was I going to tell anyone? They would all kill me. Burn my body and
leave my ashes so someone could make them into chocolate milk. My thoughts were so
gross! So disgusting! If anyone could see me now, they would think I was a sick
fuck! Anyone! Everywhere! What have I just fucking done?! It was nasty. Nasty as
all Ungodly Hell! It would make anyone cringe in their seat, no matter how mature
or immature they were. No matter if it was a guy or girl. All would be disgusted!
ALL! No, no! This was all wrong! All fucking wrong! Im not straight. No, not at
all. Never. I just need to clear my mind. I was over reacting, right? This isnt
me. Out there. Somewhere. Somehow. Im sorry you had to experience that. Without
warning.
Warning not even myself had. But I didnt enjoy it as much as you think. No. I
dont just walk into random bathrooms and start doing the nasty to myself. This
would be a once in a lifetime thing. Nothing more, nothing less. I am sorry. My
actions were twisted and wrong. My reasons were poor and uncontrollable. There was
something inside me that was growing. I have a feeling JTs kiss was the essence
of this new growth. There was no relief. It was like getting drunk. It numbed the
pain, but the longer you wait, the worse it gets. My problems were still there
waiting for me. It was all innocent before. Now, I dont know? To a whole different
level. I wouldnt let that happen. Never. This unstable body that lays in this
reflection (Bathroom mirror), will stand strong. I wasnt me today. I looked like a
different person. A whole new body stood before me, and yet, his appearance stayed
the same. Im sick. Im wrong. Im twisted. Im insane. I wont think these
thoughts again. He was my friend, nothing more. I wouldnt let that happen EVER!
Its fake. Not real. An illusion. Nothing. I wont think these thoughts again. My
reflection spoke the same words back. It kept my mind straight, for now. I heard
clapping. From the door. Someone was here?! Nice And, now, I thought you hated
poetry by the way you talked down on it It was JT. He was leaning against the
entrance and watched me with really no other emotions on his shoulders. I glared at
him. He was listening to me? What the Hell? Cant a girl go into a bathroom without
someone puttin their ear up against the stall? Shut it, Goth f- I couldnt get
my last word to roll off my tongue. The word fag couldnt leave my mouth. Thats
what he was. Why couldnt I say it? He shrugged as if what I said had no effect on
him at all. He walked towards the sink next to the one I was standing in front of,
Deep, yet oddly self negative He smile brushing those badly dyed bangs aside. I
like it Shut up I held my head, I felt like I had major motion sickness, How
much did you hear? I looked at him through the mirror. Enough, He leaned
forward and pulled a small black pen out of his pocket. He popped the top off and
traced the bottom of his (already black) eye, Enough to know that you might
actually be better at words than me He handed the opened cap eye pen to me. Im
not wearing that, I ignored what he had said, then cocked an eyebrow his direction
as if he was crazy for even thinking I would take the pen. What the hell was I
going to do with his emo make-up? Come on. It doesnt hurt He held it like it
was some normal pencil or something. Ill help put it on Hell no. I said
simply. He grabbed my hair and my head cocked back, me staring at the ceiling. He
held me still and used his thumb to pull my eyelid, almost out of my fucking skull.
Then, to make it worse he started drawing on the sensitive part of it. He was
starting to struggle to keep me still, Stop movin around, dude!
Stop it! St-stop! Its fuckin up my eyes! I couldnt close my eye, he had it
fucking pride open between his fingers. His gay ass black finger nailed fingers! I
finally got away from him and rubbed at my eyes, Shit, dude! I looked into the
mirror. I looked weird. My eyes looked really really black, or something. He
popped the top back on in victory, Now, you look hot He gave me a wink and
headed out. Whoa, whoa, wait! What!? Did I say I was confused before? I thought
me and JT were only friends, Ya know. I know I was kissing him, but that was only
for my frustration, right? But was he fucking hitting on me? What the Hells going
on!? He stopped and leaned against the exit, Nothing His empty smile was kind of
weird looking. Kind of freaking me out. Shouldnt you have a nickname too?
Nickname?! What was he talking about? He took the earring out of his ear and
pulled a lighter from his pocket. He clicked the lighter on and heated the earring
tip on the flame. He walked over to me again and grabbed my head once again. My
eyes shifted from him to his figure in the mirror. I was so Goddamn scared. What
the Hell was he doing now?! J-JT! No! Get the fuck away from me, dude! I swear!
Im not playin! Aw, playin, He said in a teasing baby voice (which was kind
of creepy by the way), So ghetto. Sounds nice He held me back and shoved the
earring into my right ear. I screamed. I dont know if it hurt or I was just
surprised. Fuck, dude! The piece of Skeletonelry fell and I instantly grabbed my
ear, Shit! What the Hells wrong with you!? Before I couldnt say much more, he
had me pinned to the wall. He put the earring back into my ear (less painfully this
time, for obvious reasons) and put the clasp on it, to keep it in place. He flicked
at the little cross hanging off it. Cross, He whispered and gave me a peck at the
lips, Youre mine. Things were going way too fast. Im not even bi! But I
couldnt do much else though. Dont forget that His thumb went from the side of
my lip to my cheek as he slowly pulled away. He made his exit for sure this time.
What the Hell!? I grabbed my forehead. What was I, like property to JT or
something. Or should I say Raven. I watched my reflection. Why was I loosing
myself each time I looked at myself? It will be a cold day in Hell when I change
who I am. I pulled my hood over my face and walked out of the bathroom as the bell
rang. It was lunch, meaning no lunch. Time for me to think. My spot again. I sat on
the concrete and took a long, hard hit from my light. I was so confused. I wanted
to cry again, but I had a feeling nothing would happen. I hid my face in my free
arm and sat there for a long while, Can someone just shoot me? Shut the fuck up,
Vicky, It was Chris. I knew his voice. And by the way he said that, I could tell
he was far from being in a good mood. Dude, Just go back to class. I dont want
your damn lunch, I muffled from my arm. I didnt look up. I only hid my face
further.
Your fucking welcome! I heard the bullshit food fall to the ground. He shifted in
the snow a bit, probably trying to keep his rage under control. He finally sat down
next to me. I could feel those eyes on me. Im not in the mood. Im dealin with
too much bullshit right now, I spat, uncovering my face a little to take a drag,
but turned my head so he couldnt see me. I wasnt giving him the time of day, was
I? I dont get it. I dont get you. I help your sorry ass! I actually take fucking
time out of what Im fucking doing to fucking help yo poe ass! And yo still not
happy! His eyes were still digging at my head. You can only give me so many
personal possessions, Why did I feel tears now? but a poor piece of crap is still
a poor piece of crap, even if you dress it as a rich piece of crap, I didnt know
what that meant, but I hoped it made more sense to him. Well, what do you want?
How can I fucking help you, if I dont know how to?! I was being unreasonable,
wasnt I? You have nothing to give, I stood. I was going to leave. There was no
point in staying at that place. Not now. I felt him pull at my shoulder. I
resisted. Who the Hell did he think he was trying to stop me? What the fuck does
THAT mean!? I heard him shout from behind me, Do I not give you enough shit!? I
only do almost everything fo you! Leave me alone, I pulled forward, but was only
pulled back. What the Hell are you running away from? Stop acting like nothings
wrong! I know somethings up! You never bitch this much! He wasnt taking this
seriously, was he? I still didnt face him yet, Im scared. Of what? I noticed
his voice change drastically. Low. Soft. Maybe he did care. I finally got the guts
to face him. The redness on my cheeks didnt seem to go away the whole time we were
talking. Me. I dont understand, He watched me, as if something on my face
would give him the answer he was looking for. My face? No. Nothing on the outside
could tell him. Only the things trapped in my head. Youre better off staying far
away from me, I left taking a new route, around the school. At least, until I
turned the corner. I heard Kira yelling for Chris. I stopped and planted my back
onto the brick wall of the school. I was out of sight, but not out of hearing
distance. Miller! Miller! Why are you out here!? She was probably waving him down
like a Goddamn prep. As if anyone could miss her voice. She stopped and let out a
few pants before controlling her breath. You ok? I saw you out in the hall, but I
guess you didnt see me. My ass! He was ignoring you, Skeleton. Chris sounded a
little unsure what to tell her, I Just needed Some time alone. He wasnt going
to tell on me? He would cover everything up? He wouldnt let Kira
into my business? He was nice. For the first time, I see him as nice. Everything
alright? I can picture that fake sympathetic look on her face. She made me so mad.
I mean, a single word makes you want to slap her in the face. He didnt answer
right a way. Yeah, just straightening shit out. Kira just HAS to push things!
What if he didnt want to answer you! Shut up! You dont look alright, She said
with a suspicious voice. Her footsteps indicated she was walking around, checking
things out. Hopefully not Chris. Those steps were getting louder, but stopped, not
getting close enough for her to see me, Vicky was here, wasnt she? What?! Howd
he guess?! I could tell he was nervous. He didnt want to say, but he kinda had no
choice at this point, did he? Maybe, He sighed, shuffling snow through his shoes.
Theres a point where you help her, and when you stop and get her professional
help. Shes not getting better, is she? Were they seriously talking about me?
Shut up, Skeleton. Everythings fine, Chris really was defensive. He could listen
to Kiras preach, but believe in something else at the same time. Kira sounded like
a little bitch who cant get her way. Dont tell me to shut up, Christian Miller!
Like using his whole name would help any, Do you enjoy hurting her!? Because
thats what youre doing by sitting there doing nothing! Not giving her the proper
help! Shes going to get worse and its all your fault! They acted like I had a
sickness or something. Even if I did have depression, it wasnt a disease. It
wasnt even serious. Plus, it wouldnt kill me. I knew you were an ass hole, but
not a killer! Shut up! Chriss voice was louder and more aggressive. You want
to see a killer?! Piss me off some mo and yer balls will be down yo cutter
throat! Calm, Miller! I meant that in the least offensive way possible! Dude,
forget all of this! Forget fighting with me! Vickys sick! Her brain doesnt
function properly! She needs professional help! no, I didnt. What is he talking
about? Kira was making a complete fool of herself. I was about to come out there
and smack her a few times. Vickys fine with me! Do you really think stickin her
in a padded room will get her mind straight?! No way, Kira! No fucking way! Chris
was starting to scare me. He was really getting mad, wasnt he? But padded room?
Never. No. I dont want that. You may think youre helping her but keeping her
enclosed to herself Kira started. Shell open up to me! Chriss shout sounded
like it echoed through the whole ten yard radius. She just needs time. He
whispered. There was nothing school. I went to car. There, where to ignore him and
after that. I took my leave then, before anyone saw me leave the the only place I
felt I could. I sat on top the hood of Chriss it wasnt long until I saw said
person come to view. I pretend shoved my hood on and laid down.

I noticed he stopped by my side, but didnt say anything. He was stripping his mind
with something to say, but nothing was cutting it. Lets go.
Go? I questioned, running a finger through one of my bang strands. I knew what he
meant, but would he admit it? Go. Go home. My house. I think we should talk. Half
his ass made a seat on the bumper of his car. He took his hat off and rustled
through his hair before putting it back on, What do you say to that? I say
Fine. But, I sat up straight and watched him, couldnt we talk here? I tilted my
head. When he needed to say something, he always came out in say it no matter who
was around. Since when did he become insecure with his words? I feel its better
if we didnt, Vicky, He met my eyes with some sad ones. They met mine, until they
got too red and he turned his head, Come. He spoke up and cleared his throat,
before getting into the vehicle. I followed. As we sat inside, he took my hand in a
tight grip, Do I hurt you? When he said that it almost broke my heart. This was
all fucking Kiras fault. Putting that bullshit in his head, Of course not. I
squeezed tighter (Well, tried), You make me stronger. I said intently, looking
right at him. He let go of my hand and took the steering wheel. Just when I thought
I changed his mind about that, he said something back before starting the ignition,
I really wish I could believe that. I held my rejected hand with my other and
gave him a look of disbelief, What!? Im fine, dude! Dont worry about me! He
shouldnt do this. This was all Kiras fault! She makes things so difficult! He was
about to pull out, but stopped, jerking us both forward in our seats, How? Simple
question, right? But it was one of those questions teachers give you on critical
thinking and your answer ends up being at least two paragraphs long. He slouched
his head forward on the steering wheel, How, when you do this shit!? Was I
pissing him off? You do this fucking shit over and over again! You cant learn
from your mistakes, can you!? Something was happening. He was getting emotional. I
understood. He was mad, but not at me. He was sad, not because of me. It was toward
himself, but it wasnt his fault. Dont let that fucking cutter tell you anything!
Shes a fucking lair! Im fine! You have nothing to worry about, dude! I dont
know if I was taking my anger out on him, or I was trying to comfort him. I wasnt
doing great at either one. He shook his head, No. I was pissed. No. No? Thats
all I got?! He was telling me I had a problem, Kira tells the truth, and he needs
to worry about me?! Well, fuck him! I hate you. I said, my anger wasted by my
thoughts and it came out more empty. I opened the door and ran back into the
building. I ran. I run from my problems. I run when conversations get too hard. Im
not sick. Well, not sick in the mind. I ran to the bathroom and sat by the toilet.
I wanted to throw up. But the only thing I got was a few dry heave attacks and a
few smokers coughs. I regretted not eating lunch. I sat there. Thinking about what
Id just done. It didnt seem too smart, but Im not the one to think when people
are calling me crazy. I know you wouldnt be. I mean, look at me. Im not some
maniac that runs around eating peoples faces off. I just have a lot going on.
Was I blaming Chris than? I said it wasnt his fault, but was I blaming him because
he thinks Im all psychotic (When Im not)? I guess Ive been self absorbed with
all my problems that I havent even given him the light of day. Ive been putting
more weight on his shoulders because hes been carrying me and my problems too.
Well, he shouldnt be worrying about me! He wouldnt have to! Its not like he
actually cared about one of his friends before! He always said he hated me for no
Goddamn reason before (When we were younger)! Why start caring now? Its not worth
it! Was I blaming him again? How? Chriss question rang through my ears as if he
were sitting right there next to me. I even looked. No one. I was sitting in an
empty stall. Empty bathroom. In this Hell people call school. How? I guess I was
getting a little side tracked. There was me complaining again and I was suppose to
be thinking about, How!? What did he mean? What did he mean by How? Easy, you
just do it. Stop worrying about me and move on. You always make it sound so easy,
you do it yourself. This is no exception! Just do it! Forget about me, you faggot
fuck! Im not worth it! Those words slipped out of my mouth, but I could care less
because no one was in here. I whispered once more, Forget about me The question
rang at my ears again, How?

Chapter FIVE

For whatever reason, I went back to my original schedule. Just get today over and
sleep. Sleep my fucking eyes out. Right our of their sockets. They needed it.
Seriously. Math. Again. I walked in and everyone was sitting down, doing homework
or whatever. I must have been late, again. I went over to my seat and was about to
sit down when the teacher signaled for me to go over to her. I sighed and gave her
an irritated look. Another one of her talks. God damn it. Victoria, I have a
problem with your tardiness, She looked through her papers, And with everything
else. I dont think youre taking this seriously. Yeah? What of it? Gunna drop me
from your class and give me a study hall? I made a seat on her desk and watched
her with hate, Ill just ditch that too. She stacked her papers and put them to
aside, obviously ignoring that I was sitting on her desk. I knew you would say
that. Ive been looking at your records. I believe instead, youll be visiting the
counselors office instead of this hour. You can make up your last credit senior
year. She began writing on a little grey card, Ill write you a pass for now, but
youll report straight there after today. She handed me the card, Ill see you
next year.
My face turned to shock. Are are you kidding? Was she serious? She was handing
me a pass to leave her classroom for the year to visit some retard down at the
office? I took the pass and made my way out the door. I tied my hood up tight and
stopped at the doorway. I felt Kiras eyes on me. I was ashamed. I felt like a
complete failure. I was a loser. Out in the hallway. All I could do was look at the
grey piece of scrap paper. My legs kept walking to the office, but I wanted out the
door. Something told me not to. Maybe I wouldnt have Chris worrying so much. He
shouldnt have been in the first place. Damn. Damn it! I had to fucking go now. I
walked into the office. It was cold. The only place in the school that was air
conditioned in the middle of winter. Like I said, a bunch of retards. I walked up
to the counter to some ugly bitch. She looked like a cat and a pig fucked each
others ass and spit her out. Yes? She had this really grainy grandma voice that
could break glass if loud enough. I handed her the pass and shoved my hands into my
hoodie pocket. I didnt want to talk. Not to her anyway. Waste of my time and
breath, and who knew how much longer I had. She stamped it for some retarded reason
and pointed to the room in back of her, Right behind me. Ms. Morgan is waiting
there. She shoved me off and chewed her nasty gum with her nasty yellow and brown
teeth. I snatched the paper and walked to the room with the glass window no one
could see through. The sticky letters spelled out Ms. Morgan. What ever happened to
my grade school counselor whos every other word was eh?. Who was this bitch? I
opened the door and walked inside. It was one of those places where they tried to
make it look comfortable, but it really wasnt. Just like the dentist. I kind of
felt like I was in the waiting room or something. Theres toys and books. What was
this? A kindergarten classroom? Oh, Ms. Vicky. Come in. Take a seat. she was
sucking up, wasnt she? With that big fake pepped up smile of hers. It was better
than looking at pig face counter lady though. She wasnt bad looking, she was just
a good for nothing prep. No, Im good. Ill stand, I said, closing the door and
leaning against it. I wasnt going to listen to her. No matter how much it killed
me. Screw her and my math teacher. Screw Kiras pity and JTs gayness. And most of
all screw this school. No, scratch that. This town. No, even scratch that. This
world. She gave me a shrug and returned another one of her smiles, Whatever makes
you feel comfortable. She stood so she could stand next to me. I scooted away.
Personal space. Ever hear of it lady? I dont even fucking know you! Oh, how rude
of me. My name is Ms. Morgan, She didnt make any attempts to stand closer to me.
What a relief, I heard about your grades in school, and your behavior. And let
me guess, youre here to change that, I gave her with a bored tone as if I heard
it a million times. I have, Hooray I crossed my arms and looked away, at a wall
or something.
Well, I believe if a person wants to change, they will. People cant change other
people, but they can effect their own personal opinions which will cause them to
change into something they dont want to be. She looked my way. Her eyes were
brown, Do you agree? I took a quick glance and kept my vision on the wall, Like
I know? I got off the wall and walked forward. Her statement made some kind of
sense. She might know what shes talking about, but I could care less, right?
Well, now. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? She walked to her chair and
gave me another one of those bright smiles. I think I was going to puke with an
over dosage of peppiness. Um Sure, I guess. Like I knew where to begin. I headed
for the big lay down couch thing, but I didnt sit down quite yet. What do you
think of this school? Do you like it? Do you like the people in it? She gave a
curious look, like she actually cared. The bitch was some actress, Ill give her
that. Must get a lot of money for this bull shit. Sucks ass, I said simply. What
else was there to say? What makes it suck ass? I was kind of freaked out, that
an adult in school actually said something like that. The teachers are usually
fucking strict about that sort of thing. Well, for one thing, people act nice and
happy, but they really couldnt give a damn, I sent that one straight to her and
made myself a seat. It went straight over the dumb bitchs head, I see. Is that
how your friends treat you? One, but Im not getting into that, Yep. You guessed
it. That one was for Kira. Do you have a best friend? She smiled, as if she was
getting on a lighter note. Yeah, I do. Was she expecting me to tell her, or
something? How dose he or she make you feel? She swerved right around it and came
back with one of those famous how does that make you feel bullshit questions.
Fine, I checked the room for a clock. None. Damn it! This would take forever.
You spend a lot of time with them? You know, hang out. She really was getting on
my nerves. No, I said sarcastically, I just have a best friend I never see and
dont communicate with! I rethought that. I kind of did feel like a long time,
even if it wasnt too long ago. And we havent had a real conversation in God knows
how long. Are there problems between you and your best friend right now? She read
my expression pretty clearly, didnt she? I untied my hood a little so I could
breath a little bit, Maybe. I think its my fault, but he thinks its his. He and
Kira think Im sick.
Sick? Sick with what? She questioned, a little surprised. I overheard a
conversation. I think they think Im depressed or something, but thats not even a
disease. They shouldnt worry about that. I couldnt leave this alone. Even if she
was a bitch, I wanted to know this answer. Bad. Well, depression comes from the
mind. It takes a long time to fix it to its normal state, but if you let it go, it
can get worse. People can get mental diseases that change their lives and the
people around them. Im not saying theres anything wrong with you. Some things
happen that is no ones fault. These things can happen to the most regular normal
people alive. Tell me about it. Just look at Judas Telekano. Wait, why the Hell am
I talking to a fucking shrink and hes just wondering the Gaddamn halls. Gay! Hella
ass gay! The ones closest to you, have they started to act differently? JTs
Goth because of his mom. Kiras still the girliest emo alive. As for Chris I had
to stop and even think about that myself. Has he? Well, before, he didnt give a
shit about anyone. No matter who they were, what they did, and how they acted. He
hated and made fun of everyone. Do you know what made him change? She said very
carefully. Oh God. Here was the story again. I always tried to get out of talking
about this too, but whatever. Well, it was late at night, a few years ago. Me and
him were just goofing off. We wanted to spray paint the principals front lawn with
spray paint and stuff. We wanted to write ugly bitch on the snow. I mean, huge.
Big massive letters. I was going to work on the word ugly because obviously he
wanted the word bitch. I remember him saying something like, You fuck this up,
Avalanche, Ill kill you! He never really got caught when I came along. Kira was
usually the screw up who thinks about how bad it is two seconds after she does
it. Chris was done spray painting , but I was still going at it. I guess the
principal saw us. I didnt notice. Chris did and just left, laughing. I wondered
where he was going, until I saw the bitch, herself, come out of her house. I
dropped what was in my hands and ran as fast as I could. Chris was in the bushes,
laughing and waving me down to get me to cross the street. He shouted over to me,
That was awesome! Now, get your poe ass over here before you get me caught! I
was happy. He was so fucking proud of me. Dont know why? He was, thats all that
really mattered to me. As long as I did something right. I ran and began to cross
the street as fast as I could. I stopped, Chris looked scared as fuck, No, Vi! Go
back! Get back, you fucker! I didnt know what he was talking about. I didnt
move. I looked around wondering if it was just a joke. Wouldnt you think, why go
back? Youre in deep shit if you do. Then, I heard the beeping. Just then, I
noticed I didnt look both fuckin ways before crossing the damn street. This big
pickup truck hit me. I remember flying backwards and landing hard. After that, it
was mostly just screaming and blurs. I woke up in the hospital. I didnt remember
what day it was or what time. A lot of my body was in bandages and it hurt really
bad, but I do remember Chris asleep next to me. He was sitting in a chair, and his
head and arms rested on my bed side. He held my hand close.
If only you could see his face. He looked peaceful and nothing compared to that
night. He was so innocent and was as if he didnt do that at all. I really wish I
could add more, but I cant. Its one of those things you would have to see to
believe. He woke up not long after and looked up at me with that dazed look, like
where the fuck am I? I just laughed at him. He gave me a stare, Shut up. Then,
he looked at me with so much joy, it wasnt even funny. He practically sprung up
and hugged the little life I had in me. He whispered, You scared the fucking shit
out of me, Vicky. I thought you were dead. Thank fucking God youre alright. I
kinda just let him hug me since I didnt have the strength to shove him off.
Actually, it was kind of a surprise to me because he never gave a shit about
everyone else. It made me feel a little good. Who wouldnt? He pulled away a
little and played with the little locks of hair that hung over a huge bandage that
went criss-cross around my head. He said, with a sincere smile, Have I ever told
you that youre my best friend? I smiled back and gave him an answer, Maybe.
Yeah, I think so. He pressed his forehead against mine and spoke again, Well, I
mean it this time. He actually stayed with me everyday I was there. Once and
awhile, Kira and JT would drop by, but Chris always stayed. When I left the
hospital, I found out from JT and Kira that Chris sat next to me the entire time I
was knocked out. He didnt move from that chair, he did nothing but wait until I
woke up. Even when there was a really slim chance of me waking up. I think he
saved me. She was sitting back in her chair now, It seems like you have quiet a
connection with this Chris. You wouldnt mind if he came to one of our meetings,
would you? Did she think I was going to allow that? Seriously. I would mind, I
said starring straight at her, A lot. She nodded, I see. You yourself arent
even use to coming here, are you? Its fine. Maybe some other time. She marked
something on her clipboard, Anyways I cut her off, No. Hes not. He wont step
one foot into this office! Understand that? She watched me with a little shock.
Yeah, like Id let Chris into my business. Thats one thing, I didnt want him
inside my head. I already said too much to this skank, even though it helped a
little to get it off my back. Still Well, Kira came to me. She would like to talk
to you. I bolted up, pissed as ever, Why!? So, she can preach to me?! Thanks, but
no thanks! I went over to the window so I had something else to look at besides
her ugly face. Nobody was out there. No one playing. Why? Because we were all
trapped in this Hell hole of a school. Did I feel sympathetic? No. The preps of the
school deserve the punishment. Me I dont. Its not like I did anything wrong.
Maybe I could convince Chris into putting all the snobby ass bitches into
concentration camps. They deserve it. Kira would be the first one to go.
You seem to have hostility when talking about Kira. Why is that? Isnt she your
friend? Questions, questions, and more questions. I was only here to answer these
stupid questions, wasnt I? She is, but I blanked. Flat lined. Nothing came to
me, but an excuse eventually hit me, She tries to solve the worlds problems. Some
people dont want to be saved and some cant be helped. She has to learn that. She
tries way too hard on impossible things that have no Goddamn answer. She always
wants to the right thing! Well, Kiras doing a very brave thing. She came to me
in your time of need. Were all here to help you get through this, Through this?
Through what? Nothing was wrong with me! She gave back the innocent smile of hers.
I could tell. I saw the reflection through the window. I turned and my yelling
began, Kira!? I knew she had something to do with this! I hate that shit so much!
She never gives up and shell never shut her stupid ass mouth! My back slid on the
wall and I was sitting on the ground now, Im stuck in this claustrophobic room
answering retarded questions because of that bastard! Goddamn it! I felt like
pulling my hair out. No, I felt like pulling her stupid heart right through her rib
cadge. Fuck! That didnt even seem to phase her. My complains went through one
ear and out the other. Stupid broad! Dumb ass bitch! Does Chris feel the same way
about Kira? Does he have a disliking for her too? I calmed a little since
screaming my lungs wasnt doing any good. I thought about the question, He use
to. I brought my legs closer to my chest, He hated her more than anyone but I
think theyre friends now. That thought put me in a lousy mood. So, What youre
saying is that Chris hated Kira for most of their friendship? Wow, find that out
all by yourself? Genius, you stupid bitch. My head rested on the back of the poorly
painted cinderblock wall, Yes, before Kira he use to pick on me. Little stuff like
being poor, using food stamps, and smelling like old milk. Then, Kira came along
and it was Skeleton this, and Amazon that. And dont even get me started with
Ashen! That ass hole! My arms rested on my knees, but my hands were in fists. Ah,
I see, She said like she understood me personally. Im sorry, but no one will
understand me, no matter how much you think you do. So, you got the wrong first
impression on Kira. You sound like you look up to Chris. And if thats the case,
you hate Kira because Chris did too. It also sounds like theres a little jealousy
playing a part here too. I mean, if he was giving you this regular dose of
attention, as negative it sounds, and it was taken away from you, it can cause
problems, hurt your feelings, and make you feel some what left out. Why did that
make so much sense? I hated her right now. How did she get all of that from me
hating Kira? I didnt speak. I was even sort of fed up with her all together. Do
you feel left out? She asked. No! Yes, a little, He said no one would replace
me! But did they? Did anyone take my place? Why does it feel like Ive been gone?
I didnt leave. I was here.
She nodded as if she heard everything I was thinking instead of what I actually
said, You seem very angry. Are there complications at home? I looked down,
Home? I huddled myself closer, if possible. It was so Goddamn cold in here, Im
usually at Chriss. I didnt want to talk about my real home. Fair enough, She
said, writing something down. She watched me for a good minute before speaking,
You know, we covered more than we needed to for a day. We dont have to talk
anymore. She could probably tell I wasnt having fun. That and I was halfway
asleep, You look tired. You may sleep on the couch if you want. I began to
wonder. I gave her a lot of information. More than I intended. Hell, I wasnt going
to say one word at all. Maybe a Hey, but thats it. Instead, I told her so much,
You wont tell anyone about what I said, right? Paranoid again. Right, what you
say will be kept between you and me. Promise. She smiled and went back to her
work. I got up and sat on the big black chair. I guess I was suppose to be laying
on it while I was talking. Ive seen that on T.V. before. So, I laid down and shut
my eyes. I stared at nothing but the back of my eyelids. I didnt have a dream, but
that was a good thing for me. Maybe I could sleep again. Vicky? The womans voice
sunk in my ears, as my eyes slowly began to open. How long has it been? It felt
like two seconds. Time to go home. She smiled brightly. I stared at her and held
my head. I was kind of dizzy, But I have two more classes. I excused you from
your classes so you could sleep. Its the end of the day now. Two thirty to be
exact. Do you need a ride, or do you take the bus? I have a ride, I shrugged her
off a bit. I stood to take my leave. Oh, wait! Please, come back to this office
tomorrow morning so you can pick up your new schedule. She managed to say before I
shut the door. By the time I got to the parking lot, Chris was already in the car.
He didnt look too happy either. I remember. At lunch. I kind of took off. It felt
like yesterday because of my nap. I opened the car door and sat down. Youre late.
I didnt think you were coming. He said more or less to his window. Yeah? Whyd
you wait then? I said to mine. Liar. He would have been long gone if he thought
that. Chris waits for no one. As I thought, he didnt answer. He just pulled his
car out and began to drive. It was silent. Silent most of the way, until I switched
the radio on. I didnt care what it was. The ringing silence in my ears were
annoying. You know that ringing sound you hear when theres no sound. No, never
mind. You probably wouldnt understand. He turned the volume down, Where am I
taking you today?
Well, you have something important to tell me. So, your house, I guess. An
excuse to not go home. A pretty damn good one too. I kind of wondered what he would
tell me when we got home. I know probably something about what Kira said. Or if
hes hurting me (Which he isnt). Would I walk away in the middle like I always do?
I was kind of afraid. Maybe hed yell at me, or beat me for walking away. But that
doesnt sound like Chris. Then again lately Chris hasnt been Chris.

Chapter SIX

His house. I sat on the couch, and he obviously sat next to my worthless shell of a
body. This was the first time the T.V. wasnt on. The screen was black. Empty, like
I felt right now. I couldnt help but feel bad about something. He took a few
glances my way, but didnt look directly at my face. Something around my chin or my
shoulder. He swallowed hard and began, Vicky, Ive been talkin to Kira lately,
Damn straight you have! Weve both noticed a change. With you. He looked me up
and down now, then looked away, Im Were worried, a little. Kinda. Sorta. He
always had to cover up words with more words just so he wouldnt look like a pussy.
He didnt look like that at all, even if he had left the Kindda and Sorta out.
Why was I staring straight at him? Why was it so easy for me to, and him not to? I
didnt say anything. I just gave him that look, like, Go on. For being social, he
wasnt acting it in front of me, now. He took a few seconds to run his fingers
through his hair and have it lay on the back of his neck, I just really need to
know if everythings alright I guess. Youre just not the same happy Vicky, you
know. He scratched at his neck and placed his hand on his lap. I placed my hand on
his that was on his lap. I looked at him, Just say what you need to tell me,
dude. I promised I wouldnt get mad at him this time. I was forcing myself to sit
here, listening to every fault I have from Chriss own mouth, no matter how much it
hurt. Because obviously it was hurting him too, I wont say nothin. He kind of
gave me a relieved smile. Did I make it a little easier? I dont know if you
noticed, but you always followed me. I noticed. Now, you go off on your own. I
dont know where you are. It makes me I dont know? He looked at me, his full
attention on my face, I would always know you were safe. Id pick you up, drop you
off. I cant let you out of my sight. Because once youre gone thats all I think
about. His cheeks turned beat red, he tried to hide it. I laughed. Why was this
suddenly not about me? I thought we were talking about how insane I was. It didnt
sound like it to me. I couldnt help but smile and feel embarrassed myself. Yeah,
and people keep tellin me how much you changed physically, He stopped and gave me
a small smirk, I cant tell, because I see you every day. You know what I
mean? I understood exactly. When people slowly change day by day, you cant tell
if youre with them everyday. Maybe he didnt think I was sick after all. My gaze
kind of fell. No, he had to think something was wrong with me, didnt he? I guess,
Im kind of blind. I didnt mean to hurt you. I didnt know. He just sat back with
that guilty look on his face. I was pissed, again. Kira. This was fucking Kiras
fault, not yours! Dude, listen to me! Kira is a fuck-tard who doesnt know whats
goin on. Well, not between us anyway, Why did that sound kind of gay? I ignored
it for now, She wants to be the Goddamn super hero of the fucking world! She
thinks if he does amazing things for other people theyll over look the little
fact that shes nothing but a Goddamn cutting ditz! I took in a few breaths to
calm my nerves, But Chris Youre not hurting me. I dont know how many times you
actually saved me. I looked down. I must have grabbed both his hands without
intention. My grip loosened. He pulled my hands back and laced his fingers with
mine, I see a girl whos going through a rough time. My eyes cant see what
everyone else is seeing. I cant see you having some mental illness. I just want to
make you better so things wont get worse. He brought one hand closer to his face
so he could lightly brush his lips against it. But no matter what I do or how much
I try It feels like I can never make you happy. I looked down at our hands, then
up at his face. His eyes were so innocent. First time Ive seen them so warm and
pure. It almost looked like they were glowing. I looked at our hands again, I also
saw some sadness in those eyes. My heart beat fast and my chest began to ache. I
was so glad he understood and didnt see me as a freak, but at the same time
choking on my chest because it felt like I was letting him down. Vicky, He
released my hand and reached to my face. More of my nose, but was afraid to touch
it, Youre bleeding. He finally just went forward and wiped his knuckle on my
nose, leaving a streak of red. I held my nose quickly and bent forward. Why was my
nose bleeding? I dont remember hitting it. It could just be stress, I guess. Keep
your head up, Ill get a towel or something. He got up and walked away. Hed be
back. I knew that. I kept my nose high up in the air, but I felt the blood still.
My head suddenly began to pound. Maybe that cold was catching up to me. He came
back with a box of Kleenex. One finger went to my chin so my head was facing him
(in a way, my nose was still in the air) and he pinched my nostrils together with
the tissue, What am I goin to do with you? I whined. My head was killing me. I
placed my hand on my forehead and rubbed at it. I was tired and run down. All in
two seconds. Had to be some kind of record. I think he saw how I was acting, Hey,
well chill out for a little while. Hold this. Meaning, hold the tissue that was
trying to stop the bleeding from my nose, I should have some movies down here. He
got up once again and, before checking for anything else, he closed the shades,
somewhat keeping the light out. It was dark enough for me. He put a dvd in and laid
down, his legs around me, Lay down, itll be easier to keep your head up.
I motioned sideways, so my legs were parallel to his. Me inside, of course. I
slowly rested my back onto him. He was comfortable. My own personal pillow. I
snuggled the back of my head into his chest. I wish it were my face, but whatever.
My eyes were closed. I didnt care what was on really. His hand replaced mine,
which was holding the Kleenex. He was quiet. I could only hear the smooth rhythms
of his breaths. I felt his heart. Calming the aching in my head with each thud.
Relaxing. His other hand lifted as he tried to massage head through my hood. I
untied the loose knot of my hood and lifted my body up a little. I lifted it up and
off my head, leaving it to fall on my back. I went back to the position I was in
before. I didnt really have thoughts right now. I only wanted his touch. I felt
his heart rate increase for some reason, but it was beyond me. He rubbed at my sore
head, relieving each pain with one touch. I shivered. His face came closer and
those sweet breaths traced my scalp. I shivered once again. I loved him so much
right now. I smiled and whispered to him, This makes me happy He hugged at my
form and I swore I felt the slightest touch of his lips to the top of my head. I
could be mistaken. You, Vicky His forehead rubbed through my blonde hair, make
me happy. It actually felt like my heart stopped for a second. Did he actually say
that? It felt like a dream. But it couldnt be. I was still awake, I thought. Until
everything turned dark on me. I was every black where since pulled into my own
world again. I could tell I was dreaming. It happens so often. This was the only
real time I could see myself. Me, in a pitch room. Nothing around. I could see
myself walking back and forth, wondering the Hell I was. Maybe I was dead. I
wouldnt be able to prove my point, you cant feel anything if you pinch yourself
in a dream.

A bright light. I saw myself walking towards it. Maybe it was a way out of here. I
opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. It was as if my vocal cords were no
longer in my throat. I just kept walking towards it. The light getting closer and
bigger with each step. I stopped. I wasnt walking at all. It was getting bigger.
Everything was silent. I was starting to think, maybe it wasnt my vocal cords but
maybe my ears that were screwed up. The light was unbearably bright now. I squinted
my eyes to get a better view. There was something behind the lights. No, they were
no ordinary lights. Headlights! A fucking car was coming my way! I turned and began
running for my life, but I wasnt me. I was watching me. I wanted to wake up. I
tried everything. Screaming, kicking, anything. But I wasnt real. The me that was
running for his life wasnt real. I just watched as the car sped closer to me. I
wasnt running fast enough! The car was going faster! Fuck! I wanted to go down and
save myself, but I could only watch. It wasnt a car. It was a pickup truck. That
same one that hit me before. I never had a dream with that thing ever before.
I watched. I fell on the black ground. I stopped. The truck didnt. It hit me! It
fucking hit me! I was all over the fucking ground. Meaning, I wasnt whole. I was
only limbs that were bleeding in every Goddamn direction. The ground was painted
red. The red wheel marks kept going for miles. I was dead. I could only watch. My
eyes finally opened as I sucked in a huge amount of air, releasing it in an attack
of coughs. My body jolted off the couch and my face landed on the ground, followed
by the rest of my body. I screamed. Not one of those sissy screams. I was screaming
bloody murder. I didnt give my lungs a break for a second. My throat was already
sore, so some came out scratchy. Some just ended with coughs that felt like they
were ripping the skin inside my neck. I couldnt hear anything over myself and
could only think of my dream. None of my dreams were like that. I always woke up
before anything bad happened. I was twice as scared because I heard if you die in
your dream, you die for real. Was I alive now? I didnt want to find out. Calm
down. What the fuck was that? Was someone talking to me. Maybe I was still
dreaming. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see. The images kept coming in the back
of my eye lids. I shouted louder. My breaths were quick, the air burning at small
microscopic wounds in my throat, Get away! I shouted. What if the guy got out of
his truck and he was coming to finish me off. I didnt want to die. Not here. Not
yet! I wasnt ready. I felt myself being lifted off the ground. No! No! This was
it! This was fucking it! I was dead! I kicked and screamed harder, No! Dont! Go
away! Leave me the fuck alone! Everything shook. I was scared. I was so afraid. I
just noticed the wet on my cheeks. I was crying thats how scared I was. I felt
myself kneeling down and the person having their hands on my shoulders, Calm
down! No! I tried to get out of their grasp. I wouldnt opened my eyes for a
second. I fought, trying to get my shoulders loose. It didnt work. I punched at
the body in front of me, no matter how weak my attacks were, Let me go!! I was
pulled in further, but it didnt hurt. Two large arms hugged at me, keeping me
warm. Their body was soft and welcoming. Their shoulder, a rest for my head. I
didnt feel pain. I felt comfort. I opened one eyes, but my vision was blocked by
tears. My cries died down. I wiped my tears on whatever was in front of me. I found
it was Chriss red shirt. Chris I buried my face into that shoulder and gripped
the fabric of his shirt, Chris. I said, shaky. My hands rubbed back as far as I
could reach, and grabbed the shirt there, Chris. My voice was more audible this
time. I felt safe now. Nothing could hurt me, not with him there, Chris. Each
time I said his name, it made me feel that much better. It reminded me, this wasnt
a dream and he was here with me. Yeah, Im here, He replied to my repetitiveness.
He held me closer, his arms trying to cover as much of my back as possible. He
panted and his heart was beating so fast. I must have scared him. That made me
think about what JT said to me, For a big guy with a high ego hes scared of the
most trivial things
Why did I think of that? Did it mean something? I guess, I mean, I was the one
freaking out. I was the one who had the dream. I was the one screaming. Why was he
scared? He kind of let me go after a few minutes of relaxing. He sat on the floor,
his legs forward and spread a little. I sat in between those legs with my knees
practically glued to my chest. A nightmare? He asked, as if he knew. I guess, he
would know. A finger came up and brush my bangs away from my red puffy eyes. Yes,
I said back. I couldnt look at him. I must have looked so pathetic to him. I could
tell he was looking at me. I knew he was going to ask, about? like he always did,
so I saved him the trouble. A pickup truck hit me. I watched him to see his
reaction. His eyes went wide, as if he were remembering the whole incident from
before. He looked at me, down at the ground, to his side, at the TV, me again, to
the couch, then me again. I think he felt uneasy remembering that. I didnt mean
to. Was I there? He asked, worried. It was a dream, not like it mattered, right?
Before I could say a word there was knocking on the door. I blinked and looked at
the door, then at him who did the same thing as me. I flinched as he doorbell rang.
I bet any money it was that Goth Fag. Chris just sighed and stood up, walking over
to the door. He opened it a little bit. He looked pissed as he did so, JT? My
stomach dropped. I whispered over to Chris, Im not here. With that said, I ran
into the kitchen so I couldnt be seen. What the Hell was Judas doing here? I
peeked my head from the door way that separated the living room and kitchen. Hey,
fag JT forced the door open a little bit more, Mind if I come in? He had that
weird smile on his face like he knew something was up. I could tell Chris was
trying to shut the door on him, but JT got in before he could do anything. JT sat
himself down on the couch and cross his legs, making himself comfortable. Was he
wearing a black thong?! You could totally see the strap higher than the pant line.
And man, were those black pants LOW and tight. What do you want? Chris said,
folding his arms over his chest. He was waiting for an explanation, and so was I.
Well, its a funny story He said, not exactly amused anymore. His eyes looked so
dark with that black make up. Murderer visions again! Humor me, Chris said in a
bitter tone. JT stood up. He wasnt as tall as Chris, so he wasnt much of an
intimidation (but hes taller than me). Ive been looking for Vicky Shes not at
school At her house or even work You wouldnt know where she is would you? He
gave off that smile again. He knew I was here! Oh shit! Sorry, shes not here,
Chris said, a bit rushed. But other than that, he sounded casual, like I really
wasnt here.
Yeah? JT walked closer to Chris. I know you better than that, faggot even if
Im not your friend now Youd be shoving your fat face with fucking cheese balls
and watching TV by now! He pointed to the couch, No cheese balls He pointed at
the TV, No TV He grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled his face down to
his, giving him a not too happy stare, Youre a horrible liar! Chris was running
out of words to say to him. I could tell. He didnt speak, he just gave his own
mean look back at him. I rested my head on the wall. JT already knew. Whats the
point in still hiding? I didnt want a fight between them anyway. I walked to the
doorway so I was standing with no hiding place. I didnt look at either of them.
Not yet. I was actually kind of pissed at JT for saying Chris was a faggot. I
noticed Chriss eyes on me first. Even with Judass hands on him, he stood up
straight like I was some special person who walked into the room. He looked
surprised that I came out on my own. JT saw Chriss reaction and looked my way too.
His hands loosened and fell to his sides. He smiled and walked my way, Vi There
you are This fat fuck told me you werent here He blamed it on Chris. I didnt
like it. Shut up, Raven. I told him to say that. I walked passed him and went to
my best friend who was still staring at me, with the same look. I was kind of
flattered. I even though he would bow on one knee and kiss my knuckles. But that
was imagination. Its kind of out there sometimes. JT gave me a sour look, Vi
youre mine I told you that, but you dont listen do you? It seemed like he
was getting more irritated with me because I didnt respond to that, Youre like a
fucking dog that isnt trained! Youre a fucking animal with no home! He came my
way and grabbed me by the wrist, I can teach you right from wrong I took a step
back, but was pulled forward again. I just watched his icy eyes. Mine probably have
fear written all over them. I shut them so he couldnt see, Chris can help me. I
said this without thought. Without any knowledge of what would happen next.
What!? He pulled me forward, but not into himself, but the floor. He was already
next to Chris when I looked back up, This?! This faggot!? He looked at him
closer, This insane douche!? Chris just stared at him with confusion. He didnt
know what was going on. He wasnt suppose to. I didnt tell him. He stared JT down,
Get out. I dont know what you want with Vicky, but get the fuck out of my house.
He didnt say it loud, just more hatred added to his usual. Not without whats
mine, JT said back with the same tone. He looked my way again. Vickys not a Goth
fag like you, Chris spat back. Shes not a fag! It seemed like after he said
that, everyone was quiet. Everyone. I was gay. I wasnt like him. Nothing like him
at all.
My best friend stood there. He kind of gave me this mellow angry look. It was too
hard to describe. Its not like he believed JT, right? Is this true, Vicky? Why
was he asking? Didnt he trust me? Couldnt he tell? After a few seconds of
watching me, he asked a new question, Are you JTs fuck-around thing? Anger in
his face grew. I could hardly move. Ive never seen him give me that face before.
He hated me and I didnt even say anything. I didnt even choose my words. My mouth
didnt even open yet and he hated me. He didnt trust me. JT was there to make it
worse, Tell him, Vi Tell him about our kisses How you loved and savored each
one He smiled. He knew he won. But he was the liar now. Those kisses meant
nothing. I looked at Chris still, Its not I started. Why couldnt I think of
anything to say? Maybe because no matter what I said, it didnt matter. He would
hate me because I was a good for nothing shit. I admit it Im straight. But not
with JT. I didnt want him. Fine, Chris had this weird look. I couldnt read it
at all. Maybe because it was empty, Good luck fucking each other. His sentence
sounded grim. He walked out. He walked right out of his own house. Chris I
whispered, but he was gone anyways. I felt tears. This burning sensation ate at my
chest. Why do people notice shit when its already gone? But what was I going to
say? Nothing. Anything else would just make it worse. He would have beat me down
personally if I yelled out, I was thinking of you when I kissed JT! Oh God, that
would have been horrible. I felt hopeless. Maybe, he was my hope. Life. Happiness.
All gone. All gone in a blink of a Goddamn eye. Cross He used that stupid Gothic
nickname. I wasnt his. Fuck him! He cost me everything! The motherfucker. And all
he could do is smile down at his prize. He won nothing. He shouldnt smile. I
hope I started, controlling myself, you DIE! I shoved my hood over my head and
took my leave out the door, until I die Im taking you with me He winked and
started out the back way. He found this funny? Fuck him! He didnt know what he
just fucking done! He cost me everything! Every fucking thing! I left. The only
thing I could do was go home.

Chapter SEVEN

That walk home was horrible. Unbearable. I was fucking alone. And I couldnt stop
crying. I was a weak pussy who had icicles hanging off her cheeks. With every
sobbing hiccup, it hurt inside. I hurt. I ached so much. I couldnt stand this
pain.
I blame JT. He took everything away from me. He calls me his. And Im left on
this street like the poor idiot I am. He didnt care. He was just selfish. He
wanted something to call his own, and I was it. I stopped. Every movement I made
seemed to sting at me even more. My heart was pounding. I was alive. But the hard
rhythm of beats sounded like suffering. My heart was literally screaming inside my
chest. It was drowning in my blood. It was hurting as much as I was. My heart hurt?
I remember JT saying that. Breaking up with Kira. Was this his revenge? Did he want
someone else to feel that same way? Wait. Was this a Goddamn test? Did he leave me
alone, and expect me to come to him? Just so he could give me that we are alike
speech. He was an idiot if he thought Id fall for that. His voice flashed through
my mind, Youre like a fucking dog that isnt trained! Youre a fucking animal
with no home! I can teach you right from wrong I still remember those eerie Goth
eyes of his. I was only a dog to him. He was just playing with me. He thinks I have
the same instinct of a dog. Hell leave me alone, then Ill eventually run back to
him. He forgot one thing, he wasnt my home. I took the silver cross earring out
from my pocket. I guess, I failed to mention I pulled it out after school, before
seeing Chris. I threw the cheap metal on the ground and stomped on it as I walked
by. I would go home, but not just yet. Was there someone I could go to before that?
Was there someone I could talk to about this whole thing? I searched my mind. There
was one. My only option, but I didnt like it. I seriously did not want to. I
knocked on Kiras door. I had to. Sure enough, the girl answered the door. She
watched me with a little sympathy, then walked out of the doorway, onto her porch.
Where I was, Avalanche? Are you ok? Your eyes look a little Gross. Red. Puffy.
Bloodshot. Dilated. Empty. Dead. Just the wind out here, I sniffed. There was no
wind. I think she knew that too. She nodded and decided to drop the subject for
once in her life. Have you seen JT? I cant find him anywhere and his phone is off
the hook, She watched me carefully knowing she shouldnt be asking me this
question. She added something else to clear up why she was asking me personally,
Chris isnt answering either. (I know why). Yeah, I have, I answered, quickly
and quietly. I wonder if she could have heard me. She pitied me right now. I didnt
want it. Thats great. At least I know hes alive, She tried to make a joke out
of it, but ended with a few fake laughs, that turned more sad than anything. Why
does he hate me? I looked up. Ive never heard her voice so not girl-like
before. I dont know? I mean, anyone would think youd know. No offense, but you
two were attach at the hip. I remember Chris describing those two like that.
Thats the only reason why I stated it that way.
Its true. Her sad tone continued, I liked JT a lot. Were just so distant now.
She leaned against the door and it shut while doing so. I dont understand it,
Vicky. JT wont talk to me. And Chris, he has his own problems. What did that
mean? I shrugged, Im not in a hurry, I sat down on the cold ground. I didnt
mind, Maybe I can help. I think she appreciated that a lot. She sat down with me
and smiled, Thank you, Vicky. She began to explain right away, How long has it
been since JTs mom? Five, Six months? Eight, but I didnt stop her, He stopped
talking to me after that. Its like he took all of his anger out on me. I would
think hed be happy. He lives with his sister in the same house. She sat down with
me. I saw her shiver a little, He even told me he hated his mom. Naturally.
Then, he hated me. Broke up with me in front of a huge crowd. He literally slapped
me so hard, there was blood. Slap? I heard he punched her, but Kira was right
there when it happened. I tried to stop him from hurting anyone else. He just
looked at me and said, I hope you die. I cried, dude. I actually cried in front
of everyone. I hope you die. Thats what I told JT. No wonder he didnt take
that seriously. I kind of felt bad for her. This was the one time I actually felt
sorry for her. I understood how she felt. Maybe, some things just, you know,
happen. No, he had to have a reason. That isnt like Judas! Her voice was louder
than the expression on her face. Yeah, its like Raven, I said in more of a
whisper. I dont think she heard me. I stood up and looked down at her, Dont
break your back over him. Hes not worth it. I knew it was my time to leave. This
wasnt my problem. I shouldnt get involved in it. And maybe my advice will get
through the stupid Skeleton head of hers. But he is She said softly, choking on
tears. I only heard it barely, since I had already been walking away. By the time I
looked over to the porch again, she was inside. Just like she was never there. As
if she never came outside. As if she never talked to me. Maybe this was my problem.
All of our problems were starting to become linked with each other. All four of us
were suffering. Maybe they werent many different little problems, but one big one
that effected us all. Maybe the only way we can survive this problem, is helping
each other out. And Kira had been the only person doing that. She probably saw that
before me. She wasnt trying to solve the worlds problems, just our one huge one.
If life is a problem and we cant survive this problem, how do we survive life? We
needed each other, but how? How when every single one of us were separated? All
weve been doing is hating each other. It helps nothing. By the time I got home, I
hated myself. I hated myself for hating JT. I hated myself for not helping Kira.
And I hated myself for being me and having Chris walk away from me. I started
thinking what it would be like if I wasnt there. Maybe everyone would be happier.
Maybe theyd all be friends. Everything would be fine without me. I snuck inside
the door. I dont think my parents were home. I didnt see the car. I went towards
the kitchen, looking around carefully. No one. Thank God. I went to the drawer with
all of our silver wear. I looked around, paranoid again. No one. I took out a knife
and held it cautiously between my fingers. I looked one last
time. No one. I practically tip toed into the bathroom and locked the door. My
heart was still beating. I looked down at the knife and my two black eyes looked
back at me. What would I plan on doing with this? Maybe face my fear of death. This
is how I would help everyone. Maybe if they were too busy worrying about my death,
theyd all forgive each other. Theyd be happy. Tears seeped through my eyes,
This will be for the best I didnt have anything to really lose, right? I
wouldnt leave Chris, because he already left me. No one else ready cared. I
remembered him so much. So clear. So clear it hurts. I love him, and Id do
anything for him. If killing myself will make him happy If they all can be happy
again. It felt like the tears were stuck inside. Either that or I was making more
tears than that could come out. I unzipped my hoodie. Took it off. I watched my
wrist. I felt my heart in it. I didnt do anything to it. It hurt anyways. I
watched the knife and placed it on top. I didnt move it. I was scared. Why? Ive
been hurt worse! There was nothing left for me! Why was I scared!? I sliced. Ow!
I fell back a little and looked at my wound. It wasnt my wrist. It was a little
higher on my forearm. I held my arm. I hurt bad. I watched the blood start to flow
out it. I stopped. The sight of my own blood was amazing. It started to numb and
not hurt as bad. I smiled. I was crying happy tears now? I cut another slit a
little bit higher. Chriss voice shot at my mind, You, Vicky make me happy. If
I made you happy, whyd ya leave!? I shouted and cut another one. I hated myself.
I hate you, Chris! That wasnt true. I loved him so Goddamn much, it killed me.
Why not say it, it didnt matter anyways, I love you!! I fuckin love you!! I love
you, Chris! I slid the knife at my other arm now. My sobs were loud, but laughter
invaded some of them. I was crying and laughing at the same time. I hated myself
for not making up my mind. I cut. I hate that I love you!! I cut. Youre all I
fuckin had you bastard! I cut. You took everything away from me! And cut again.
Im here, left with nothing! I dropped the bloody knife. I never hit my wrists. I
felt like a failure. I could cut anywhere, but there. I hate myself! I fucking hate
myself! And everyone else did to! I wanted to help everyone, and I failed again. I
spent the last hour on the floor. Laying there. Staring at my wounds. Thinking.
Thinking about everything that had happened. I am sick. I said out loud for the
first time, I am insane. Why do I regret this? I went out of control and didnt
accomplish what I wanted to do. I just wanted more pain so my thoughts would go
away. Theyre here with me now, though. I threw the knife in the garbage. No
evidence, right? I cleaned the floor, not great, but good enough not to tell what
was on the floor. I left the bathroom. Everything looked blurry. I put my coat back
on to hide what I had done. I walked back into the kitchen. I leaned against the
counter. My pain was still here. My heart was still crying. I hate you, Who was I
referring to? Did it matter? I hated everything at this point. Now, who do I go to?
I looked around, eyes heavy. I sat on the ground in front of a cabinet. My dads
alcohol. I reached for a bottle and opened it. It didnt smell too good. I cried
more, and forced it down my throat. Maybe this could kill me. I heard people died
of alcohol overdose. I drank more, despite the bitter taste. It hardly mattered
anymore. I didnt notice
the first one was gone until it was. I felt a little better. I reached for another
one. It was as if this one had no taste. Each sip made me forget. It was a miracle.
It was like I had no problems. Zero. I grabbed a bunch and headed out of my house.
I wanted to finish this by Starks pond. So, I could remember all the fun times I
had. It felt like nothing walking there. I sat in the snow and placed the bottles
next to me. I drank and watch the pond as if I could see flashbacks. We use to go
here all the time, but that was before. I smiled. So many times. So many memories.
It was so happy. I felt so happy right now. I reached for another bottle. There
were none left. Had I really drank them all? I didnt remember doing it. I tried to
get up and look around for them, but I ended falling on my ass. I laughed. It was
funny. I guess it was gone. But it didnt matter. As long as I felt this good for
now on. But I didnt. My happiness started to fade. I stood, wobbly and began to
walk. It was more like floating, than walking. I cried for no reason now. I just
wanted to leave. I didnt want to be here anymore. Where could I go? I ended up
falling. I hit my head on something hollow, then hit my face to something cement. I
cried harder. It didnt hurt. I didnt feel anything, I just cried because I could.
I felt light on me. I cried more. My sobs were loud. Louder than anything. I looked
up. I saw black shoes. I was at someones house. My head must have hit the door.
They dragged me inside. It was bright. Did the sun already set? Whered the time
go? I only cried into the carpet. Thats the only thing I saw at the moment. I
heard words being spoken to me, You ok? I couldnt tell who it was. No! I
shouted. Everyone hates me! I hate me! I hate myself! I want to die! I didnt
mean to say that. It came out without me telling it to. Dont say that. Well, I
like you a whole lot. Who was I talking to? None of my friends would say that. I
looked up. I wanted to know, Who the Hell are you!? I was pissed now. Dont know
why. I just was. What? You dont recognize me? He kneeled down so I could see him
a little better. I still couldnt make out who he was, Well, Im Jonathan. I saw
it now. I landed at fucking Jonathans house!? I hated the kid! Alright. Im going
now. See ya. I crawled towards the door. Jesus, why was I so dizzy? No way,
mister. Youre going straight to bed, He shut the door, Please? He wasnt good
with demands. I wanted out! Fuck you. Out of my way! I fell on my stomach and
started scratching at the door, Let me out!! Please dont be mad, Tory. But I
think your drunk. I dont think you should be walking around like that. He picked
up the phone, Here, Ill call your parents so they can pick you up. He smiled.
Are you insane?! I shouted. I laid there. No, I was. Just uh Who could I have
him call? Call Chris. I blurted out. Chris!? I was insane! Hed kill me!
Well, alright. If your sure. I really think your mom and dad He started, but
ended up dialing the number. I recited Chriss number in my head again. The only
one I knew. I heard Jonathans voice, Why, Hello, Chiller. He said all polite and
shit, What are you doing right now? He waited for the answer, Great, can you do
me a favor? He said overly happy, Please? He asked as if Chris said no. Thank
you, Chiller. Vickys over at my place, and she doesnt look too good. She doesnt
want to go home and wants you to come get her. He waited. What was Chris saying?
Well, I dont know? Jonathan looked at me for a second then continued, Hes just
laying on the ground. I heard Chriss voice this time, being shouted from the
phone, Get him off the ground, you gay asshole! Jonathan hung the phone up and
fiddled his fingers together, Gosh. Didnt mean to upset him. He said that to
himself, which was really retarded. He dragged me over to the couch. He pulled at
my arms, trying to get me on the couch. I saved him the trouble and pulled myself
up, kind of belly flopping into the cushions. You need anything? He asked. I
didnt answer. I was going to say, Yeah. Quiet. Can you shut up? But I was too
rundown for that. I was thinking in my mind what Chris would do to me. Beat the
shit out of me, right? Its not like his house was far from here. Id find out when
he opens the door. I watched Jonathan. Hes so stupid. Gay. Retarded. He didnt
understand life at all. Hes always so happy all the time, even when his life is
bad. Horrible and stupid. Just like him. Why isnt he depressed. Maybe its just
denial. He kind of looked at me funny because I was staring right at him. Shut
up! I shouted. He blinked, But I didnt say anything. He looked like he was
scared, until the door slammed open. Then, he looked terrified and fell backwards
on his ass. He looked at the door, Wow, Chiller! That was fast. He ignored
Jonathan and stared at me, pissed. I cant even fuckin trust you at your own
home, can I Vicky!? He stomped over to me and grabbed me by the hood. I was half
dangling off the couch. My legs were on the cushion, but I was chilling in the air.
I kind of felt like a Christmas tree ordainment. Gay. Aw, shucks. Dont be so hard
on her, Chiller. She didnt mean to. Jonathan was defending me? He was an idiot.
An idiot who didnt need to get in the middle of this. Shut up, He shoved my
time?! driveway, Jon. Chris said, irritated. He dragged me out of the house by my
hood. me in the back seat and started the car, Why the Hell are you wasting You
should call your boyfriend, JT. He backed his car out of the watching as Jonathan
waved at us.
Hes not my boyfriend! I hate him! I started crying again. Damn it! Why do I keep
doing this? Why the Hell didnt you say that, fuck-tard!? He sped down the
street, watching me in his mirror, Why didnt you say you didnt kiss him!? I
wouldve believed you! Because I DID kiss him! Why didnt I lie. It would have
been better, I hate him! I kissed him because I was horny! Why was I saying
this!? He doesnt want to hear this! I was sexually frustrated wait, that WAS
horny. Thats what it meant. Shit! I was telling the truth, It didnt mean
anything! I dont want to be his anymore! I dont want to be his fucking property!
I want to die! Why did I keep saying that out loud? I cried harder. If I was
drunk, why wasnt I happy? His eyes were on the road. He didnt look at me. It was
a long ride home. But we made it. He got out of the car and opened my end. He was
going to take me inside. I didnt want to. I just wanted to sleep in the car and go
to school. I hated school ,but I didnt want to be here. I kicked him away, Im
staying here! He pulled back, avoiding my kick. He came inside and grabbed me,
trying to carry me, My ass you are! Get inside! No! I screamed. I kicked him
more and squirmed out of his grip, Leave me alone, dude! I couldnt escape when
he grabbed me and pinned me to the seat, Youre coming inside, Vicky! He shouted,
afterwards panting a little bit. I just laid there crying. Why did it have to be
like this? I hated my life. I want to die I said. I didnt care. Thats how I
felt. I didnt want to fight with him anymore. I w-wanna die I choked. I closed
my eyes tight. I didnt want to look at that pissed off face of his. I wanted to
see a smile. I WANT TO DIE! No, you dont I heard him say. He was scared. He
was scared again. Dont say that Dont tell me that. I dont want to hear you say
that again! Something hit my face. Lightly. Gently. It was wet. I looked up. Chris
was crying, now. He actually had real tears in his eyes. I tore him apart when I
said that. I literally killed something inside him with those words. I was a
fucking murderer. But what could I do? I cant help it! I screamed back, Thats
how I feel! I cant stand being here! He was squeezing onto my arms so hard. It
hurt. It hurt my wounds, Ah! I cried out in pain and agony. He quickly lifted his
hands off me. He saw that he hurt me. He took my arm and pulled my sleeve down
slightly. He was afraid to see what was there. It was like he knew what it was. He
saw one scratch. Another, then another. Fuck, Vicky! He unzipped my jacket and
ripped it off. He watched my wounds. Eyes wide filled with unspeakable fear, Fuck,
Vicky!! He held my arms carefully and brought them to his face, crying on them,
What is wrong with you!? Why the!? I wanted you to be happy. I wanted everyone
to be happy. I forced a smile with my tears, If I was gone, everyone would be
happy. I laughed, Wouldnt you be happy?
Do I look happy, Vicky!? He used my hands to cover his eyes, How could you do
this to yourself!? He sniffed, Kira was right! Kira was fucking right! Why didnt
I listen to her! I should have got you help before this happened! He shoved my
arms in my face, Vicky! This wont go away! Yeah!? You said that before! And you
went away! You left me with JT! You walked out on me! I needed you, dude! And you
left! I just stared at him. I couldnt do much else. You idiot! You fuckin poor
idiot! His finger lightly touched the wounds of my skin. He rested his forehead
there, I should have watched you. I should have kept you with me! Why were his
words aimed toward himself? You didnt do anything! It was all me! It was
starting to get cold without my coat. I didnt feel comfortable either. There was
nothing more to hide on me. Are you blaming me, or defending me!? His fist hit
the seat, but not me, causing the car to shake a little, I dont understand you!
Good! Youre not suppose to! I snuck my legs out from under him and kicked at his
chest to push him back a little. It wasnt long, but long enough to open the door
and pull myself out the other side of the car. I started to run. He saw. He got out
of the car and came after me. I didnt go far. I tripped over my own feet and fell
into the snow. I coughed, heaving on a nasty taste in my mouth. The snow did feel
cool against my wounds though. I heard his crunching steps in the snow. Between
pants, he spoke, You left that time. I just was there. Laying there. What was
there to say now. He was right, Now what? I rolled over on my back and looked his
way. He sighed and looked up at the sky. There werent any clouds. Just stars.
Shining above, I dont know? He took his red coat off and threw it my way. He
laid down next to me, just watching the stars. I really dont know? I huddled my
body into the warm coat, then moved closer to him. Stupid, huh? I ran away from him
because he was close to me, and now I want to be close to him. I guess, nothing
really made sense anymore. I placed my hand on his chest. His concentration on the
stars was broken and he watched me. He put his hand over mine and gave me a smile,
What? His smile. After all this, it looked like he forgot. Its like none of this
happened. I like your face, Wow, that was a little random. It just showed I had
alcohol in my system still. He blushed, but his smile was still there, Shut up,
Vicky. I gave him an innocent smile, Am I still an angel? Whatever. Keep asking
stupid questions, Ill just pretend I didnt say any of it the next day. He put his
face closer to mine and whispered, Yes. And gave me a little peck on the cheek.
He knew I was drunk, otherwise he probably wouldnt have done that.
After that, all I could remember is me passing out. It felt like I was sleeping
that whole day today, but I guess it makes up for that last few weeks where I
didnt. And between you and me, I remember grabbing his ass some time that night.
He has such a sweet ass.

Chapter EIGHT

I liked the next day a little better than any others Ive been having. Even though
we missed only one day of eating at the caf for breakfast, I was starting to miss
it. I felt a lot better since I got some sleep, and I couldnt complain about
waking up next to that smile of Chriss. It was still morning though, so many
things could go wrong by then. Too bad I was ignoring that fact for right now.
Youre not eating JUST a cookie! Get something else! Chris practically threw the
menu at my face. He was irritated because I wouldnt order anything else. I guess
he saw how skinny I had gotten. It was nothing for him to worry about, my ribs were
only sticking out of my skin a little bit. Fine! I held the menu with both hands
and smiled at him, sarcastic at least, Ill get a black coffee, too! I was just
messing with him. His face was priceless when he was pissed. I loved the little
tint of red that formed on his cheeks. This time he didnt get as mad. He folded
his arms and looked away, Have it your way, but your sharing with me then. He
placed his menu on the table and kind of just stared out the window, which was more
like he was staring into space. The words: Chris, share, and food never appear in
the same sentence. Hell, Chris and share hardly appear. But what was this? Could I
have scared him that much, or is he doing it for other reasons? Was this another
way of making me order something? It didnt look like it. Hed never let it go for
this long. Come to think of it, him thinking came to me as odd too. What could
possibly he be focusing on that his attention was somewhere else? I took a risk and
grabbed a closer look. He looked slightly pale. His palm rested on his lightly
flushed cheek, which led to his facial features. I hadnt noticed before, but he
had this certain beauty to him I couldnt quite put my finger on. That fading-green
hair hung into his face a bit, leaving one gorgeous seafoam eye unhidden. Was I
checking him out? That eye that was so focused on the window, now turned to me. He
kind of just stared at me until a dark eyebrow curved down with a disgust look,
What are you doing? He asked, kind of freaked out. I watched those full lips
mouth each word. I just realized he had the most beautiful lips I ever seen. They
were just there, I couldnt believe I havent seen them before. They even looked
soft and warm just like him. I snapped out of it. Holy crap! I was practically
drooling over the table when I watched his lips. I just looked down at my lap,
which was tingling by now, and answered him finally, Nothing. Why was he so damn
sexy in my mind? I was having one of my urges again. My mind spaced out and all I
could do is thinking about
kissing him. Shit! Right now, too. Take off your coat, I ordered. No thought at
all went into that sentence. What? He just looked at me like I was crazy. Well, I
guess I was, so he didnt have a reason not to. Yeah, you look hot, Shit! I could
have slapped myself in the face for that one. But thankfully, it had a double
meaning. He sat there for a couple seconds, Yeah, it is a little warm in here. He
stood up and began to unzip the jacket. I just watched wide eyed. Whyd I say
anything? I guess it didnt matter by now. I was going to have my little show. The
zipper went to the bottom and was released from the clasp. He opened it and took it
off one arm, then the other. He was wearing blue today. His sides created curves I
could see from the shirt. Those were fine ass curves too. My mind was off again. It
ended how it started. He was seated already, and I was just watching him with that
glazed over look in my eyes. He was getting severely impatient with me now, Vicky!
What the Hell are you starin at!? You, of course, sweet ass. Id never say that
out loud, no matter how much I wanted to. That would just be plain weird. But, God!
My eyes couldnt keep to themselves. They wanted him so much and I couldnt help
it. Nothing, I said in a sweet tone, Nothing at all. It didnt help that his
lips kept mouthing words. And the steam and energy in those movements were kind of
much for me. The waitress finally came over, right when Chris was about to open his
mouth again. I drained out everything and just watched those lips as my eyes fucked
the shit right out of them. It almost felt like my eyes were going in and out of my
skull, humping the air in front of me, and in the vision of you know who. Why did I
have a perverted mind right now? The waitress was gone already. Meaning, Chris was
glaring at me again, AYE! Whats your problem, asshole!? I smirked a little,
still taking in what was in front of me, I like your face. I believe I said those
exact words last night when I was drunk. Didnt matter, really. Cold, hard truth.
Or should I say: long, hard. Weak, dude! He looked around scared as fuck. A look
like if someone heard what I had said, the world would end, Dont say that shit in
public! People will think were He didnt finish, but I could tell he was getting
flustered. And he didnt like it. together? As I said that, one eyebrow rose
with interest. I was acting like a total perv right now. I was wondering if I was
still drunk. Obviously I wasnt. Chris shot up from his seat, leaned over the
table, and covered my mouth with his hand. He looked around at the people a couple
times. They didnt really seem to notice. He whispered to me, Jesus, Vicky! Shut
up! This was Chris caring what other people thought about him? That was
different, but its every gays nightmare to suddenly become straight, or bi. Look
how I took that shit. See ya, sexual credibility.
I pulled his hand away from me a little and gave him a laugh, Chill, dude. Im
just joking. Weather I really was or not was beyond me, but as long as I stopped
freaking him out we were good. He shook his head and sat back down, Youre so
weird. It wasnt a cheerful look he was giving me, but once our drinks came his
eyes were no longer on me. Our usual order. Chris got the chocolate milk. I got my
coffee. The mug in front of me was practically radiating heat around it. I always
wondered why coffee was so hot when you first get it. You cant handle it or do
much else with it at that state. Just stare at it and hope the fucker gets cold
soon. I blew on it a few times, then rose my head back up to Chris. His eyes were
already on me. Crap. He was getting me back wasnt he? He had that face where he
was watching something he really liked on TV. You know? Like when certain shows are
on and a guy is sitting in front of it, you cant make them move. (Not that I care.
Ive caught myself doing that sometimes at his house. Never at mine though.) Ha,
Ha. Real funny, dude. I sat back a little, watching as those green eyes looked
back at me. I scratched something itchy on my back and went back to my normal
seating. I wasnt going to do anything else until he did. I wasnt falling for one
of his lame jokes. After a couple minutes, he just looked away. He took his milk
and began to drink it out of the bendy straw. He used his straw to swirl the milk
around, as if thinking about something. Obviously, because his chocolate milk was
already mixed. I was going to come forward and say something, but he spoke first,
How much of last night do you remember? I looked down at my coffee as if it would
give me a better answer. It didnt. Stupid thing. I looked back up at him and kind
of shrugged, Um My mind was kind of fuzzy compared to last night. I could have
probably tell you what exactly happened, but now, it was later. Well, I remembered
Jons house. It was a start, maybe hed help me out. Anything after that? He
questioned, not really looking my way anymore, In my car? My eyes shot opened and
pointed at him, We did IT in your car!? No way! I knew I was drunk, but not
that drunk. I wouldnt exactly be heartbroken if it was true. He grabbed me by the
front of my hoodie and brought me closer to his face, NO! We did not do IT, you
retard! He let me go. I fell back into my seat. We both kind of just looked
around. Everyone was looking our way now. He looked out the window again, keeping
his face away from everyone. He whispered over to me, No, the thing about JT. You
remember saying anything about JT? There was only one thing I could have possibly
said about JT. Eh, just my luck. We couldnt talk about anything else? I remember
running away too. This was much more important than, right. I sighed and looked at
him, Yeah, somewhat. This subject was a little uncomfortable for me. Especially
with Chris. I could feel him hating me already. But JT already said everything.
He gave me a bitter look. I could already tell he hated me, No, you retard. I know
you He looked around and his face turned a little red. He whispered the next
words, kissed him. His voice was back to normal now, But you told me
something else. As he said that, my cheeks started to burn, a lot more than his. I
tried to ignore it and go on with this conversation. Im surprised I didnt get up
and walk off by now. What do you mean? Whatd I say? Oh crap. I dont even
remember what I said. I was scared shitless. What if I said something about liking
him. Wasted piece of white trash, He spat out, crossing his arms now, You said
that it didnt mean anything. His eyes were on me, Whatd he do? I know you a
little better than that. You dont go around feelin up guys. So, I didnt tell
him, but he that, because I felt it could him the letter Kira wanted me Talked, ya
know? His usual, About? I knew it wait for it. needed an explanation. Did he
know me better than be disgustingly possible right now. Nothin. I gave to give
him and God, was this hard to explain. was coming, but since I had nothing to add
I had to

But what was I going to say? I talked about sex stuff. Literally. Most of the topic
was toward Chris. I wasnt going to say that. I needed a way out of this. I stood
up and turned my back on him, walking towards the door. Ill wait in the car. I
cant deal with you right now. The little bell of the door rang and I was outside.
My back went to the nearest wall and I stood there in the cold. What am I suppose
to do? What the Hell am I suppose to say? Its only going down hill from here. I
shuddered from the frigid weather and watched the breath being forced out of my
mouth. Floating up and away. What have I done? Chris knows too much. Too much about
this whole situation. Too much about me. Id smile, but I cant. Vicky, I had a
feeling he would follow me. Same. Always the same. So repetitive! Just like this
life! I turned my head away and didnt say a single word. What could I possibly
say? There was nothing to say. Vicky! Did you hear me!? That was a stupid
question. I obviously did. He was standing right next to me, Say something, you
poe piece of I was sick of him calling me that. He always called me that. Thats
what I was. Thats what everyone saw when they looked at me, wasnt it? I turned
and faced him, only to put all my strength into ramming him into cafs entrance
door. I heard the little bell jingle and everything. Too bad no one was going in
nor out, Shut the fuck up! I watched his face. He was in shock. He was surprised
I had actually done something back. It looked like I hurt him a little too. Not
bad, but still. I just noticed what I had done and what Chris had not done, to
deserve that anyway. It was my fault I couldnt tell him the truth. All of this was
my fault that our friendship was like walking on eggshells now. I released him
slowly and backed away. Our eyes were connected, but thats the only thing. We were
separated by this wall I had created. He could only look at my true self. He could
only look so far into my thoughts, until hed hit a wall which hid everything else.
This wasnt a friendship. This was me isolating myself from everything and everyone
I loved. Not only that, but letting in everything and everyone I hated.
Im willingly putting myself into this dark room and letting all my demons attack
and kill me. All of those monsters fuse into one thing. Myself. My enemy was
myself. Everything doesnt want to kill me, I do. I started as this lost puppy, but
ended as some wild animal. This isnt me, but I cant go back. We cant go back in
time. I had just bit the hand that was feeding me. I was done. I turned and ran
from him once again, but this time I couldnt go back. I cant go back. No one can
go back. I wish I could have said I was sorry, but the words wouldnt have made a
difference. I hurt the one thing, the one person who cared. Who was trying to help.
My happiness. I destroyed something I wasnt suppose to. And it wasnt Kiras
fault. Or Chriss. Or even JTs. This time, I admit this was my fault. Of all the
stupidest places to run to, I went classrooms. I stayed in that same bathroom as I
started thinking, maybe he was right. I was me. I was his. Meaning, I should go
back to me. to school, but none of my before. The one I met up with JT in. this
untrained dog, he could help my owner on instinct. He even named

I waited on the floor of the bathroom stall. He couldnt possibly go a whole day
without ditching a class. He was usually seen here too. A couple hours passed and
sure enough, I saw those big black Goth looking boots. Raven, I spoke out,
quietly. My throat was tight for some reason and my lips felt like the skin had
grown together. It hurt the first time I moved my lips. Those boots stopped and
turned towards the stall I was in. He pushed open the door slowly and looked down.
He gave a pleased smile, I knew youd come back to me, "Cross I knew, I looked
pathetic. Huddled in the corner between the toilet seat and the wobbly, badly
painted wall. I didnt move. He got down on one knee and motioned me to come
forward, Come Tell me whats bothering you I crawled over to him and let his
arms hold me. I placed my head into his chest, but no tears came. I couldnt cry
anymore. I did something bad I dry sniffed, on nothing really. Mmm? Go on He
rubbed at my back, trying to give comfort. Chris I couldnt tell him. I cant let
him find out what Im thinking. I hurt him, I put my arms around his waist. I
wasnt use to this. Chris was thinner. I wasnt use to having my arms go all the
way around so clean and cut. JT was far from warm. Than again, I couldnt be picky
with the options I had. Its alright Ill make sure Chris doesnt get in the way
again He kissed at the top of my head, but his lips werent as soft. They were
ones that wanted ownership, not caring. I sat up and looked at him. I hadnt looked
at his face before I went over to him. He looked the same. Those eyes were still
murderers. I closed my eyes and ordered, Kiss my cheek. The same spot Chris had
last night. If I remembered anything, it was that. This whole morning I had been
denying I did. JT moved in, his fingers resting on my neck. The silver rings he was
wearing felt
cold against me. I knew his face got closer because I became hot. He blew a few
lingering breathes before giving me a peck on my face. My head instantly hung from
its shoulders. I suddenly had the urge to cry, Its not the same, I whispered.
Oh God, Its not the same Itll never be the same. Sh He pulled me closer to
him again and spoke soft words into my ear, It might seem impossible to forget
your love for Chris but youll move on Ill help fix those wounds hes created
He stroked my hair and planted another kiss onto it. You knew? I whispered. How
did he know? I grabbed a hold of the black shirt that hugged at his slim body. Of
course That statement was followed by laughter, You talk about him nonstop
youre by his side always and you look up to him so much His voice grew darker,
But I fear you look up to him too much His actions and words made you think hes
perfect I pulled back and looked at him with a cold stare, But he is. I need
him! He closed in on my personal space, but not in a good way, Vi No Hes a gay
lazy fuck! Whats so great about that? I like that about him, I caught his
stare, just as he caught mine, I love the good and bad things about him. Ive
never said these things before to anyone. So, it sounded so weird coming from me.
JT gave me this sad look, Really? His hands came to my shoulders, I wish there
were more people like you in this world... People who can see passed flaws He
gave me a squeeze at the shoulders. Raven I felt bad now. Why did this have to
come up? I dont see pass the flaws. I accept them. I hope that made some kind of
sense. He smiled, Thats why youre mine He came closer and pressed his lips
against mine. They started slow, but quickly became desperate. I just sat there,
closing my eyes. Trying to pretend. Trying to picture something else. Someone else.
My head fell down, breaking his kisses. I couldnt do this. Chriss smile would
invade every kiss. He whispered into my ear, Please Just let me enjoy this just
for right now He nuzzled into my neck and began to places his kisses there now,
Just pretend with me for a little His breath was so hot, It doesnt have to
mean anything He nipped at the sensitive parts of my neck, Just let me believe
for a little while My fingers held tight onto the top of his hair that was still
black. His ecstasy and passionate breaths were giving me my own high. My body
burned and ached for something, and if that something wasnt there, Id have to
take the next best thing. Thats how life is. The cold hard truth of realistic
couples. People take what they can get. I whispered back to him, If youre going
to have your way with me, just do it, you bastard. A zip was heard. My coat, gone.
Fuck everything. If I didnt have anything, why was I worried about it? Even if
Chris found out, who cared? I still did what I did. No going back, right? I was
JTs now. Vicky Telekano It didnt have the same ring to it.
It wasnt long until I was being pushed against the stalls wall and being kissed
harder by him. Our faces so close, we pushed them closer, if possible. It felt more
like a fight. Id forced my forehead forward as he forced mine back. Our tongues
clashed and wrestled for dominance. Our teeth bit at each others lips at will. It
felt like we were taking our hate and frustration out on each other. I finally got
control and forced him to the ground, my frail frame mysteriously keeping him down.
I bit and bruised his lips, licking at the small drops of blood. My tongue crashed
back inside his mouth and fought his. He couldnt keep up for some reason. His
throat vibrated out higher pitched whines that ended in lustful moans. He tried to
rise his body up, but I wouldnt give him the light of day. His actions calmed a
little, finally excepting his position. Laying on the ground. His finger tips slid
gently down my boney spine. I shivered, letting my body relax a little with his. I
released his mouth, having a trim of saliva disconnect from out tongues. I panted
hard, breathing in his breaths. He smirked and even laughed a little. Between his
gasps of air he spoke out, Now Thats what I want Someone who takes control Not
a prissy little girl like Kira He reached up and gave me small little kisses
across my lips. Kira? I hardly cared at that moment though. As JT was occupied with
what he was doing, my hands snuck under his shirt, slowly uncovering his pale skin.
I let my hands explore where ever they pleased and returned some of his kisses. My
fingers felt his curved stomach and thick chest. I admit he had a cute ass, but I
couldnt get to it while he was laying down. I got off him and stood up, walking
over to the mirror, This is totally fucked up! I took his line, but he was too
Goth to even know it. Does it matter? He came over to me, not bothering to pull
his shirt down. His skin touched my back, then rested his head on my shoulder. His
hands went up and down the front portion of my body, Youre mine Nothing was
suppose to make sense, was it? My back rested on him and he held me. I turned my
head back a little. He saw what I was trying to do and pushed his head forward a
little, brushing his cheek against mine before turning it and tasting my lips.
Everything stopped with a window shattering shout, Oh My God! Who the Hell had
walked in on us, and why did that voice sound so familiar? My eyes were too lazy to
look up at this moment, and it wasnt like JT had a loose hold on me. Did it
matter. The word would have spread anyway, right? And since JT was still tight
around me, it didnt seem like it bothered him either. Maybe it was no one
important. Today I was selfish. My selfishness. Right now, I was only concerned
with my needs.

Chapter NINE
You two are?! And Vicky, youre arms!? Oh My God! The second time around I
caught whose voice it was. Loud and squeaky like that, it had to be Kira. I finally
got my eyes open, only to close them again and kiss those lips of JTs. I wanted to
gross Kira out a little more. Plus, maybe shed leave or something. The little shit
backed away, but then stepped forward, trying to be brave or something. I need
to talk to you, NOW, Vicky! She grabbed a hold of my wrist, seeing it was the only
thing that wasnt cut. JT kind of pulled me back and stared at Kira, Whatever you
need to say You can say in front of both of us He put his face close to my ear
and gave it a kiss, Isnt that right, Cross? I laughed a little from the gentle
touch on my ear, Thats right, Raven I was JTs follower now. Whatever he said,
goes. No matter what. Fine! The Skeleton said getting a little irritated by our
behavior, What happened with you and Chris! He wont say a fuckin thing to me! I
have a feeling you know, Vicky. She pointed at me and gave me a look as if it were
my fault. Even if it was, she didnt have to accuse me. Jesus. And thats my
problem? I said, clearly with a straight face. Yes! Dude, youre his best friend!
Whether either of you want to admit it, you cant stay separated like this! She
folded his arms, as if she were trying to act tough. However you feel, he probably
feel ten times worse! Ten times zero still equals zero. Oh, wow. I AM good at
math! I said in a sarcastic tone, giving JTs neck a bit more love. She gave me
this worried/confused look, What are you trying to say? Feelings are for little
hippie pussies like you. Go preach to someone else, Kira Marie Doodle. I had a
confident smile on my face. Shed have to walk out now. Kira stood there looking
down at the tiled floor, You and Chris are so alike, its scary, dude. She turned
and walked away. But my pride hit rock bottom after hearing that. I thought Id
feel so good watching her leave, but I was the joke here. I got untangled from JTs
arms and went back to the stall for my coat. I need some air. See ya, later. I
wove him off for now. I think he understood because he didnt stop me. He knew when
I needed to be left alone. Thats pretty much the only thing I like about him right
now. I went through the door and to the back of the school. I took the long way
around just so no one could see me. How would it hurt Chris ten times more. Kira
was just saying that. Chris was tough. He doesnt take bull crap from anyone,
especially the Skeleton. The liar. She wanted us to become friends again, but we
couldnt now. There was no way. I stopped. I heard some sobs coming from my secret
spot. Who the Hell? Someone
found out where it was? I wondered what time it was. I lost track in the bathroom,
and even if I did want to go back to class, I couldnt. I wouldnt know where to
go. I snuck around the corner and tried to hold in a gasp. I slid back by the wall
so I was hidden. It had to be lunch hour for me, otherwise Chris wouldnt sitting
be there. Shit! Guilt was eating at me. Ive never seen Christian Killer Chiller
breakout into full out tears like that, not since... Damn it! I just wanted to
shoot myself in the face for this one. Kira was right again? What the Hell? I
couldnt go over there now. I wouldnt be able to say anything. Id probably end up
crying too. Shit! This was bull shit! It just seemed like every single one of us
was turning into a big ass, crybaby pussy! I thought Id find you out here
Chris? It was Kira. She sounded surprised to see him too. Well, not at first
anyway. Dude, I doubt Vickys coming out here. I talked to her, but Kira kind of
trailed off. I wanted her to go on. What did the Skeleton think about me, huh? It
doesnt matter, His voice wasnt whiney or anything, it just lacked, everything in
it. I knew this would happen one day. She always ran, and sometimes I didnt think
shed come back when she did. Now, I know shes never coming back. I heard him
opening something. Well, probably his lunch, it was lunch hour. She gave me that
look I didnt give her enough space, did I? I think you gave her too much space,
dude. I heard her shift positions. Maybe she was sitting down now. Too much, too
lil space! Whatevah! I dont giva shit! All you told me was to have her open up
to me as soon as possible! Well Skeleton, I cant because every time I bring it up
she runs her ass away! I blame you cause shes gone! Chris sounded pissed. I felt
bad. It wasnt their fault, it was mine. M-- ME!? Why me, faggot!? Im just trying
to help you! Here we go again, the Skeleton and Fag would start fighting now.
Youre obviously not doin a good job at it! Chris. Why because you cant be
patient enough to have her open up slowly?! Kira. How can I do that when you
said soon as possible, ya walking douche bag! Chris. You dont know what
soon as possible means! If it takes longer, fine! What I meant was to not to sit
on your ass and do nothing, you dysfunctional retard! Kira. There was a pause.
There was about to be a pause anyway, because I could hardly take anymore of their
yelling. I wondered if Chris was going to come up with something awesome to say
back. But I only heard Kira again, Like youre doing now! Crying and eating snack
cakes! Get up and do something if its making you this upset! Im not upset, ass
muncher! I had something in my eye before! Besides, it doesnt matter, Goddamn it!
I already said that!!! He calmed a little, not by much, Plus, feelings are for
hippie pussies, like you! Go preach to someone else,
Kira! Holy shit! Dejavu! What was this? I could have swore that came out of my
mouth a few minutes before. I heard Kira kick the snow, probably at Chris, but who
knows? She wasnt exactly the best aim at it. She let out a loud aggravated noise,
Im sick of both you and Vicky! No, I cant blame Vicky for this! Im sick of YOU,
Chris! Vicky only acts like you because she looks up to you so Goddamn much! She
let out another pissed off noise and left, as if she didnt know what to say next
and didnt care. Why were people comparing me to him lately? Well, two out of four
of us, and me and Chris were the other two. For some reason, this didnt look good
at all. I was practically frozen out there now. Why did it keep getting colder?
Winter, right? You think Id be use to it by now, since it snow or rain for eleven
months in this stupid town. I untied my hood only a little bit pulling out a box of
cigarettes and shoving one in my mouth. I lit it, maybe it would warm me up a
little. Probably not, but I always say that for reassurance. Chris was just on the
other side of the wall, while I hid like a baby. I acted nothing like him. He
actually waited for me, out in the damn open and I stood here eavesdropping. He was
everything and so much more, but he didnt even know it, did he? Maybe he did, but
isnt that proud to show it. Did he have problems of his own? If he did, I was self
centered and never cared to look. But seeing a problem isnt the same as solving it
either. I heard footsteps, they stopped. I saw the puffs of smoke rise up and
around the corner of my hiding place. I sighed, causing more. He obviously spotted
me. He was just around the corner of the building, leaning against that wall. I
couldnt see him. We couldnt see each other, but he knew both of us were there,
Im sorry. He spoke out. He meant it. Sorrys not gonna change nothing, dude. I
held my head down, looking at my old black chucks. My feet were freezing because of
them, So, dont bother. What do you want me to say? He gave me this sad
rejected tone. As if I know! I usually just follow you! Youre the on with the
great plans and brilliant ideas. I just do what Im supposed to. I said.
Asking me such a dumb question, what an idiot. You get hurt when you follow me. I
want to know what you want, now. I guess, my great plans and brilliant ideas
arent so great and brilliant! He couldnt put what he wanted to say in a
sentence he liked. It was kind of funny listening to him get frustrated with it. I
didnt say anything. I figured Id just wait. I didnt feel like talking anyway.
Not only that, I didnt think I was supposed to see him again. This time, he came
to me. Fine, Vicky. You dont have to talk to me, just listen then. He let out a
shivered sigh. I wondered if he was as cold as I was. If you like JT, fine. You
know, just do it, or something. I didnt know and uh didnt know. He was having
a hard time saying this, but I think I understood what he meant, Well, if your bi,
cool. No, wait, not cool. No, cool. No, its defiantly cool. I guess, we can be
friends if your bi, because its cool. I heard him smack his face and whisper a
curse word. In my opinion, he had balls to say that. I mean, yeah, cool. And if
were friends we can still hang out. You can still come to my house, but youd
probably want to go to JTs. But you can still stay at my place for the night
because youre humping with JT. And thats cool. I was trying so hard not to laugh
at that. Hes never talked about this before and been ok with it, has he? I havent
either, so I shouldnt talk. But still. In short, that meant he was fine with me
being pansexual and we can still be friends, and that meant a lot to me. Thank
you, Chris. The problem was, I didnt like JT in that way, but I didnt have much
of a choice, right? Dont thank me. JTll probably do a better job at trying to
help you anyway. Then, youll get better. His voice kind of brightened, Then, we
can go sledding and stuff again. Thatll be fun. I snuck my head around the
corner, and sure enough I saw him smiled back, Yeah, it will. I walked over so I
could stand cant forget stupid moments like this. The sun even came out it felt
warmer, Were still best friends, right? I held my smiling again. I next to him
now. I from the clouds and hand out to him.

He looked at my brown gloved hand, then at me. He smiled again and held onto it,
Totally. This is what I wanted. I wanted to see this everyday. I wanted to be
happy everyday. I let go of his hand and pulled my arms around him. I rested my
head on him. He was so warm. I didnt want JT, I wanted this. This was my home.
This is what I was use to. This is what I had already fell in love with. V--Vi--
cky? He just stood there for a couple seconds, then gave in, Never mind. He put
his arms around me and rested his face close to the top of my head. You know, you
should really be doin this with JT. My head went up, causing Chriss face to
loose its resting spot. I gave him a blunt look, Quit your bitching, I unzipped
his coat and leaned onto him, trying to hold the rest of his coat around me. He
gave off a few laughs and got a better grip on his jacket, and covered me with it.
Those large hands rested on my back and looked away. He couldnt look at me for
some reason. You make things so difficult. He said with a little disappointment
in it. He said this before, and I still dont know what it meant. To me, it felt
easy and carefree. I traced my fingers down his curved sides. I gave them a poke
before lifting under and tracing back up on his bare skin and feminine hips, It
doesnt have to. Just stay calm and relaxed. I whispered, then gave him a cute
smile. He was still. His muscles had tightened from my small touches. He whispered
to me, Im seriously, Vi. Stop. It didnt sound like he wanted me to stop though.
The grip he had on my back tensed, he still didnt look my way. My fingers went up
to touch his chest, following his curves down to his tight stomach, giving it
gentle strokes. Relax, I said in a soft tone. I lifted a hand up to his flushed
cheek, bringing his eyes to me now, Just relax. His eyes stayed on me now, deeply
connected with mine. One of his hands came up and plucked the stick from my mouth
and tossed it. He held my frozen hand in his warm grip and led it back inside his
coat, it retuned around me, holding my covering with the other one. He moved in
closer, heavily breathing his sweet breath onto me. Our faces inches away. Our
mouths parted slightly. Trembling, drawing closer to one another. He swallowed hard
and motioned his face higher, his lips resting on my forehead instead, I cant.
He wanted to. I could tell he did.
Why did he stop? No! Why did he stop? I picked and teased at the places people
usually call problem spots. In my opinion, it just gave me more to grab. I took
in small hand fulls of bone, counted his ribs, then found new spots. I knew I was
an asshole for doing that, but for some reason his body always made me hot. I think
I hit some sort of weakness. He was tense again, his back practically glued to the
wall. His head was facing straight up at the sky. Stop, Vicky! He whined in this
cute little high-pitched voice, followed by his harsh breaths and whimpers. Wrong
move. I looked up and all I saw was his unexposed neck. I pushed forward and
eagerly suctioned my mouth onto his fleshy neck. I caught some of his skin between
my teeth and began to suck at the spot Ive chosen. I caught him off guard again.
His fingers dug into his coat, but unharmed me. He panted and moaned out some
words. I didnt exactly hear what he said, but it sounded more like Oh my God to
me. It didnt feel like he was pulling me away. It felt like he was holding me
closer. He shook. He was scared, but he brought our bodies closer. My hands held
him a lot more careful. Gentles strokes. Fingers just his skin. My tongue picked up
small tastes as my lips were bound to mouth craved for something more than this. I
wanted his lips and I want mine. I slowly made my way towards his throat, then up,
but of without taking in his flavor on the way there. Chris, I whispered barely
grazing his neck. My wanted him to course not his name.

He motioned his head down as I called for him. His eyes on me. He still looked
terrified. Those green orbs shook trying their best to look at both my eyes at the
same time, Vicky. He said carefully. I understood why he called me by my first
name, because I called him by his. I slowly came forward. He wouldnt have a reason
not to anymore, right? He wanted this, right? As much as me? I closed my eyes and
waited a couple inches in front of his face. I felt him go in, then pull out, only
to get so close to my face again. His lips so close, yet so unsure what to do. His
forehead practically crashed with mine as he backed off right when he was about to
do it too. Vicky, you know I cant do this. My eyes opened, he was so close too!
I put my arms around his neck and whispered, Yes, you can. I pulled in, only to
feel me get pushed back by one of his hands. I looked at him with disbelief. No, I
dont want anything to do with this. He brought his head back until it was on the
wall. He had a sad, regretful look on his face. Nothing to do with I stopped
myself from saying anything else. I felt like an idiot. What made me think he would
actually go through with it. He wasnt straight. He was gay and just felt sorry for
me. I was a reject. I knew that. I could have told myself that, but I didnt
listen. The next thing he said was low, like it was a want me. You want someone who
treats you good Plus, Im not nearly as good lookin as other miserable look on his
face worsened with each secret or something, Hey, You dont and doesnt hurt you
all the time. kids in school. Go back to JT. That word.
How can you say that!? I was yelling again. I really needed to stop that. I took
a breath in and parted myself from his hold. I remembered how cold it was now,
Look at you, Chris. How can you say that after seeing yourself? His eyes closed,
then opened to stare at me, Easy. His sadness was being replaced with anger as he
walked towards me, Maybe because I dont know the first thing about friendship!
Maybe because its my fault you keep getting worse! I keep fucking up! Its like I
try my hardest to do something, then the girly-ass Emoshit comes to me and tells me
how I screwed everything up! I kind of stepped back every time he walked towards
me. I hated Chris when he was pissed. Not stupid pissed where he says Im pissed
because he spilled his milk or something. I mean, this. Did I say JTs eyes looked
like a murderer? I was wrong, Chriss were right now. Winning by a long shot. He
went on, still coming my way, I know I fuck up all the time! I dont need little
Skeletons pointing that out! I wouldnt feel bad, if I didnt know I did something
wrong! I wanna see her do any better! What the Hell is she doing about this!? Shes
just standing around preaching the fuck out of people! Making them feel ten times
worse than they were before! ..Ten times worse? I was so scared. What was I
suppose to say to his hating words? How was I suppose to make this better? I just
wanted him to stop acting like this. I backed up more, trying to keep our distance.
What would he do if he was in front of me with all this rage? Its not like I could
predict his actions. I already proved that with the failed kiss. Would he finally
wring my neck after all these years? And then, I got you, Oh God, when he said
the word you, it sounded so disgusted, Im trying to give you everything, but
you still dont give a shit at the end! I give you all this bullshit and your still
not happy! Nothing I give you will make you happy! So, why do you keeping taking
and taking from me! His lips curved up into a smirk. It wasnt his smile. It
wasnt anything like his smile, But I did learn that you can run away as long and
as far as you want, but youll come straight back to me! Just so you can make my
life more of a living Hell than it already is! This situation wasnt going to get
better. I turned to run away, but he grabbed my arm before I could. It felt like he
was crushing it because he was adding so much pressure on my wounds. I screamed and
cried for him to let go. I tried everything in my life to get away. I didnt want
to be there anymore. I should have stayed with JT. I wanted to go home! I wanted as
far away from Chris as I could! Theres no where else to run, Vicky. He dragged
me in and his other hand wrapped around my throat. I understand. I understand so
clear now. I know how I can save you. What was he talking about? Save me? He got a
tighter grip on my neck, You see it too, Vicky? You must have, because youve
tried it. He dug his fingers into my sore arm. I cried out in pain. Well, I tried
to anyway, but most of my air was being blocked. Tears came again. How could he do
this to me? He cared for me for so long. My mistake wasnt putting your life in
danger that night you got hit by the pickup. It was bringing you back to life.
Youre an angel. I saw those black eyes open the day you woke up in the hospital
and I knew you were. His grip didnt loosen even when his words were so calm. I
tried to swallow. It went down hard. I shook, shivering. Oh my God. Was he insane?
What was he talking about? My eyes widened. Maybe, I wasnt the crazy one.
Maybe, he was. Maybe, as he was getting worse, so was I. His eyes suddenly got
cold. His face turned serious, I cant believe I was so blind. Youre getting more
sick because Im keeping you here. You need to be with all the other angels, Vicky.
I need to kill you. What!? He was seriously going to kill me! Why did I have a
feeling this would happen one day!? Oh God! I didnt want to die! Not by the person
who was protecting me from it! I gasped out as many words as I could. My life
depended on it. I needed to do something! I was too young! I I. Love you
Tears poured out of my eyes, then coughed at the irritation it made in my throat.
Dont you see, Vicky. Im gunna make you better. Then, everythings gunna be okay.
We get to go sledding and play videogames. Itll be fun. He said that with such a
childish innocence. I dont know how he could say all this with a straight face. He
wasnt making sense at all. I wish someone would come out here and find us, but we
were in an area with no windows or anything. I didnt want to die! I never guessed
Id be murderer by Chris. He might kill JT, but not me! I took in a deep breath of
air and let it out with all the force in my body, HELP!!! I shouted as loud as I
could. He suddenly covered my mouth with the hand he held my arm with. Sh Im the
one trying to help you. If you get someone else out here, youll never get better.
I blame this on Kira! She did this! She just had to push him! I hope shes ready to
have a life on her conscience! The stupid fuck! No one heard me. No ones going to
save me. Im dead. Hes gunna kill me. I closed my eyes and was still. I didnt
have a choice, did I? I never did. Thats what a follower is. You dont have the
right to choose your life. You let someone else control it for you. My life was
literally in the hands of Chris, and if this was what he thought was right, so be
it. I must in believe what he does, even if its wrong. Thats how Ive always
been. And whose to say this is wrong? After thinking about it, it kind of made
sense. I suffered here enough, right? Maybe it was time for me to go. Finally, be
the perfect angel he wanted me to be. Be something higher than a piece of shit in
his eyes. I felt my body drop. I was dizzy. I could hardly breath. I heard nothing.
Was I dead? Was I floating? Floating up to Heaven? Did I get those big white wings?
Was everyone happy yet? Could I see Chriss smile for eternity? I cant. I heard
whispers. It felt like Chriss soft voice was coming from all directions, I
cant. I was still cold. I slowly opened my eyes. Pure blue sky above. I laid in
freezing snow. I stretched my arms and legs, then just went still. I wanted to know
if that was a dream. I pressed my hand to my neck. It was real. My neck was sore.
It felt like it was doing sit-ups for five hours straight. Chris. My voice came
out scratchy. I cant do it. I cant save you. He meant well. I knew he did.
Anyone else would still consider him crazy, but I understood what he was trying to
do now. His eyes were normal, sparkling green like they use to be. He kneeled next
to me, looking down, Im sorry.
I held my arms out to him, You tried. I forced a smile, my tears still streaming
down my cheeks. I knew how it felt to find out you were nothing, but a failure. You
do things you dont mean to. You do things without thinking. You do things you
regret. Come here. I couldnt catch my voice this time, so I whispered. He took
his time to get into a laying position, next to me. He kind of watched my eyes for
a long moment. He seriously wanted to help me. He didnt want me to suffer anymore.
But I think were driving each other deeper and deeper into a mess we cant get out
of. Just because we make it sound like its okay to do these absurd things. We only
do that because our trust is way too strong to break, and that could be our
weakness. I must have made him think a lot last night. He didnt sleep, did he? He
stayed up all night thinking about why I did what I did. If you think about
something for so long, it can sound normal the tenth or eleventh time you thought
about it. He snuggled closer to my chest, putting his face there. He held my small
body by the waist and stayed there quiet. This was so different. Chris is such a
tall guy, but right now as laid with me, he felt so much smaller. He seemed
vulnerable to anything and felt like hed break if I even touched him. Thats now
how it was suppose to be. He was suppose to help me, guide me. But if he lost touch
with reality and had no directions, how could he possibly do that? My chest felt
wet. Could he be crying? It made me wonder. Where was his escape? Who did he have
to go for comfort? He had so many responsibilities piled onto him. I was asking a
miracle from him. He was only human. I wanted him to be a savior, but hes only
human. I cant ask for him to be anything more than that. He was Chris Chiller, not
a hero to look up to. He was allowed to have weaknesses. He just hasnt had the
time to do so until he falls. Still, as he has fallen, his problems keep building
on top of him. Dont leave me He tried to cover his voice with a stronger tone,
but it was still stained with sadness. He tried to move in closer, but it only made
us slide horizontal in the snow. He was as close as he could get to me, and he was
scared I would go. I carefully put one arm on him, then the other. I could never do
that to him, right now. I bet any money normal people would have ran the second
they were free, but I couldnt. I couldnt leave my home. Never. I managed to get
out. Im sick of running. It doesnt do any good, because once Im gone, I end up
right back where I started.

Chapter TEN

Chris made me walk home with him. He didnt want to drive, because the second he
looked away, he was afraid Id be gone. He held my hand and never let go. He was
terrified. He didnt want to be alone. Every time my grip loosened, he squeeze it
tight to remind me I did so. I felt his clutch again. My eyes opened a little,
falling from my daydream I had been having. I held his hand tight again, even if it
felt numb. Chris Lets leave this place together. I had a peaceful smile on my
face.
He looked my way, a little confused, What would that do? He sighed, Problems
follow you. It doesnt matter where we go on Earth. They come back to haunt us. He
watched his feet as he walked. What if it wasnt Earth? I looked his way, What
if we went somewhere much better? A place with no problems, no rules, and we can be
ourselves. He gave me a playful smile, Yeah? That place is up yo butt and around
the corner, Vicky! He laughed a few times, then got quiet. Once he actually
thought about what he had said, it sounded so wrong. I laughed now. Seeing him
embarrassed like that was priceless. Im sure youd love that, but I watched the
sky now, Im talking about somewhere we cant get to right now. He looked up,
wondering what I was looking at. He watched me again with a blunt look, Heaven?
No, I already said Im not going there. Ill stay here forever. I stopped and I
brought our hands close to my chest, Ill be your wings. That sounded like a
cheesy line off a really old movie. I rubbed my eyes. They burned and every piece
of skin around it felt heavy. I felt a little sick. I lost my balance for a second,
but stopped myself from falling. Chris watched me stumble. He stopped walking. Are
you ok? He said with care and took a step my way, I can take you home. I forced
a smile and nodded, Yeah. Its a little cold out here. I coughed into my hand and
felt a little light headed after doing so. I looked at my glove that was stained
with a dark liquid. Blood. I wiped it on my pants and stopped looking at it. I
didnt want to scare him more than he already was. Im sure it was nothing. I was
just getting a cold or something. When he said home, I didnt expect him to take me
to my real home. I didnt ask questions though. It would probably be a pain to walk
all the way back to Chriss anyways. I looked around. It didnt look like anyone
was home, unless the car was in the garage. I watched him for a second and said,
Dude, wait here. Ill see if anyones home. Ill be right back. I finally, let go
of his hand. They were like that for so long it felt like I was missing something
when I was separated from it. I walked to the door and opened it slowly. Then, went
inside. I closed it behind me. Hello? I spoke out. I felt kind of stupid because
I really doubt anyone was home. Hey. Someone actually answered back. It was my
dad. I guess, he was in the kitchen. But not for long. He walked out into the
living room with a beer in his hand, Whereve you been? He took a sip and just
looked at me. Uh.. A friends, I was scared. I couldnt even look him in the
eyes. He was so gross. I hated my dad really. If you thought I was trailer trash,
just take a look at this guy. Hasnt looked like hes taken a shower in a week. I
guess, I was just spoiled by Chris. I probably looked like that before he was my
best friend. He sat down and gave me this weird smile, Ya know, cunt. The
strangest thing happened when I came home last night. He took another sip and made
this noise like what he was drinking was refreshing. I knew it was probably old and
tasted like a rats ass.
Yeah? I asked. I didnt know what he was getting at, but it didnt sound too
good, Whats that? I came home and went to my liquor cabinet. Guess what I
found, huh? He gave me this serious tone, like he knew exactly what was there. He
expected me to know too. Um What? I asked, as if I didnt know. I was having a
heart attack. He knew I took his shit! What was going to happen now? Nothin.
Nothin? Was that sarcasm? Wanna know why I found nothin? He asked me. I didnt
answer. I backed up towards the door. He stood up now, Cuz my lil shit daughter
took it! He threw his can to the ground and stomped over to me, My stupid,
worthless daughter who should live outside. Live on the street like the fuckin
piece of road kill she is! He shouted his alcohol tainted breath on me. He grabbed
my arm and held one of his bottles up to my face, Ya want this!? Ya want this so
bad? I closed my eyes and tried to hide my face to the door. I wanted to cry out
to Chris to run, but if I did that, my dad might go after him too. I decided to
answer his question really quietly, N-no, sir. Whyd ya take it, then?! You like
takin stuff that dont belong to ya, huh? I gave you an yer mother a roof oer
yer heads and all yall do is complain! He grabbed me by the collar now so we were
face to face, So, ya wanna steal from the person whos givin you a home? This
house is not a home! I blurted out. I bit at my tongue, regretting ever doing so.
He gave me that look like I deeply offended him, You dont like where yer livin?
He ripped off my hood. That question was obviously a question I was suppose to
answer, An what? Yer friend takes care of you? Fin yerself a nice boyfriend to
do that? Cuz girls dont wanna do that! His dirty fingers lifted to my hair and he
pulled at it, almost ripping out of my Goddamn skull. He prolly takes care a you
real good. What did that mean? I shook. Hard. I was scared. This wasnt what I
wanted. I was thrown to the floor and face scrapping across it. I coughed again. My
mouth tasted like blood. Shit! I looked up at him, Any one can take care of me
better than you! You dont do nothin but drink and yell! I can do a lot more
than that, if ya want. He smashed the bottle against the table. It broke and the
liquor spilled out from it. He held the it by the nozzle and the ends were sharp
and pointed. Ya aint been nothin but trouble to me since you was born. I tried
to sink into the floor as much as I could. I wish I could go through it, or
something. I was afraid of dying again. I thought I wasnt, but I was. N-no! Dad!
Dont! Please! Ill be better! I promise! The door slammed open. Chris stood in
the doorway. He must have known something was wrong. He either heard the noise or
it was taking too long for me to come out. His eyes went to me, then my dad. What
the fuck!? He asked, completely paranoid.
I dont blame him, I was too. I didnt say anything. My dad watched me. He smirked,
Wha? This? Ya get fucked by a tranny son-of-abitch? He laughed and coughed at the
same time. Chriss stare was on my drunken dad, but he spoke to me, Come on,
Vicky. Were leaving. I didnt look like anything that was said affected him. He
was more concerned about my safety. He nodded and lifted my body up a little. Ya
move, an Ill kill ya! He forced my body back down with his foot. It felt like he
was squishing my lungs out of my chest. I covered both my hands over my mouth and
had a coughing fit. I kept choking on more and more blood that spilled into my
throat. I was in pain. Stop! Youre hurting her! Chris stepped forward, but kept
his distance. He knew there was a weapon in my dads hand. I think he figured if he
got killed, no one would be able to get me out. My bastard dad thought it was funny
that someone actually gave a shit about my worthless self. More pressure was added
to my chest. I felt like I was going to die. I could hardly breathe. My head leaned
to the side and choked out a splatter of blood onto the carpet. I gasped for air
and coughed some more. What the Hell was wrong with me? Vicky! I really didnt
want him to see that. It kind of just happened. I didnt want him to worry. I could
tell, he was scared. Stop! Stop, you asshole!! He shouted, getting a lot closer.
Leave an mind yer own business, kid. This is my kid. Im gunna teach her a
lesson. He applied more pressure on me. Chriss fist went right to his face, and I
have to say he has really hard punches. His large hands were the cause of that, but
I was grateful. A loud whack noise was heard and my dad fell on his ass. I backed
off and scurried across the floor, sitting next to the door. I kept coughing, but
keeping it under control was hard. Chris pinned him to the ground and began beating
his fists into his face. His face was pissed and he was calling him every name in
the book. It looked like nothing was going to make him stop. He wanted to kill my
dad, didnt he? Shouldnt I feel happy about that? I dont know? I saw the broken
bottle fall from my dads hand. I struggled to get over there and take it away so
he wouldnt take it and use it. I quickly went back to the door. By the time I
turned around again, Chris was down. My dad was standing up. I hid the weapon
behind my back and watched him helplessly. Yer not getting out of this house
alive. Not as longs Im here. He lifted his
arm up to wipe a stream of blood off from his lip. I was a little impressed by
Chris. He looked pretty beat up, but he still looked like a threat. You dont tell
me what to do, I watched him. I didnt want to be afraid of him anymore. I didnt
want to fight with him anymore. I didnt want him to hurt me anymore. You wanna
say that again!? He went to grab my coat, but stopped. I dont remember it, but
the sharp end of the bottle was sticking into his throat. My boney fingers were
wrapped around it. I killed him. His neck sprayed the maroon liquid on my face. I
couldnt believe what I just did. What have I done? D-Dad I let go of the weapon
and just watched his face. He panted in and out, trying to take in as many breaths
as he could. He was looking up, his eyes looked like they were rolling around
freely. Those same eyes leaked tears, mixing with his gushing wound. Y-yer still
nothin to me His body fell back and took one dying breath, before he laid
still. Hed probably never move again. I closed my eyes, pretending that didnt
happen. It did. I felt the liquid on my face. I remember everything. I was scared.
I was just like him, wasnt I? I hope I never have kids so I wont hurt them like
this. I was a horrible person. I killed my own father. The person who brought me on
this stupid Earth. I loved him and hated him for that same reason. I stood and ran
out the door. I coughed more, leaving a blood trail behind me. What have I done? I
was out of it most of the day. I heard Chris talking about burring the body and
cleaning everything up. People were going to find out. I knew. My mind came back a
little bit and I was sitting in his bathtub naked. I guess no one could see
anything because of the bubbles. It smelled nice. Like, flowers and stuff. I dont
know if Id smell like a fruitcake after this. It didnt matter, right? I was good
as dead. Chris kneeled next to me and pushed his sleeves up. He plucked a wash
cloth off the towel rack and soaked it in the water, then wringed it. Vicky, dont
worry. Ill take care of everything, youll see. Doubtful. He could hardly control
me, let alone take care of a problem like this. Close your eyes. He ordered in a
soft voice. I did. All I could see was my dads last stare. His eyes were light,
not like moms. I had moms eyes, rusty black. I realized, JTs eyes werent the
same as mine. His were a darker shade of brown. The darker eyes were, the more evil
they looked, to me. But Chriss were different. He had a light tint of green, but
they could be both ways sometimes. Evil light. He rubbed the cloth on my face,
removing the dried, frozen blood-chips on my face. It wasnt my blood. That was the
sad part about it. He had to rinse the rag off a couple times before getting it all
off. Good. He smiled, then went to my neck. Youd think, for Chris, hed be rough
with this sort of thing, but he was gentle. Me, on the other hand, I felt like a
puppy. A mutt. A dog who needed a bath and their owner was giving them one. But it
also felt like how a mother would bathe their child. Not that I would remember how
that felt. It made me relaxed. Safe, for now. The cloth massaged my back now.
Carefully hitting each bone on my spine, then back
up. He went to each side of my shoulder blades then down to my sides. He dunked the
rag into the water and started with my chest and stomach, Jesus, Vicky. Youre so
thin. I didnt respond to that. I knew it wasnt a complement. I didnt feel like
doing much of anything right now. Just sit and do nothing. I didnt like this at
all. His hand went over to a knob and he took the removable shower head down. Lean
your head back, I figured he did that instead of dunking my head into the water,
because there were chunks of blood just floating aimlessly in it. I did as he said,
and just stared at the ceiling for awhile. He wet my hair a little, running his
fingers through it, making sure it was completely wet. He picked up the shampoo and
squeezed some into his hand. It made this really funny squirting noise. He rubbed
those hands together so itd get foamy and caressed it into my hair. My eyes closed
and I relaxed more. It felt really good. I couldnt make washing my hair feel this
nice in a million years. Why does it feel so different? Whats the difference
between two touches? Maybe I was just use to my own. He washed it off and placed
his hand above my eyebrows, so no soapy water would get in my eyes. Rest on my
forehead, push back the water that was trying to fall down, then kept doing that
until it was rinsed off. He rubbed his hand at the top of my head playfully and
went to another container with conditioner inside. I lifted my arms and pushed my
messed locks back in place. They ended at the very bottom of my neck. I felt it for
a little while and wondered if thats how long my hair really was. I guess, I
needed a hair cut. I tried to remember the last time I got one. I couldnt
remember. Im very forgetful. I saw he was going for my head again, so I leaned
back again, I need a hair cut.. I said, quietly. He stopped for a second and
smiled, Ok, He rubbed his hands together, but this time, no bubbles. He rubbed at
my head again, then started to untangle my strands with his fingers. They came out
easily. He did that for a long while. I think he was just dazing off and thinking
about something else. I dont blame him, and since he was so gentle, I could hardly
complain. I wondered what he was thinking about. Most likely about what happened. I
thought about it now. Id be taken to jail, wouldnt I? At least Chris wouldnt get
in trouble, right? He didnt do anything. He could live a normal life. And he
would forget about me. Tears came down my face, but I cried silently. He didnt
have to know this feeling was crushing me inside. He didnt have to know that I
hated everyone who noticed him. He knew so many people. Everyone in school knew his
name. I hated them all. They were all a danger to our friendship. The only thing I
could get at this moment. I lost track of time again. He kissed the top of my head
and whispered, Get dressed, now. He stood up, wiping his damp hands on a towel
and walked out. I looked over to the toilet seat. A towel waited for me. I took it
in my hands and wiped my face off. It still felt like there was blood there. I
cried for a minute, thinking about what I had done, but I got out and wrapped the
cloth around my chest and walked out. I turned the corner and saw him sitting on
his bed. His back was resting on the wall and his eyes were closed. He must have
been tired. I dont blame him. This day was fucking stressful.
I went to his doorway and stood there, just watching him. I was wondering if he was
sleeping or not; and if he was, should I wake him up? I came closer, taking in his
features that the lighting from his window made so visible. He was so peaceful. I
loved how he looked. I like his face. It doesnt matter what expression you put on
it, it always has this gorgeous look to it. His eyes opened with a tired look. Once
he saw me standing there, a smile curved onto his face. Vicky, He hummed out my
as if he was happy to see me. His legs spread apart and patted the now empty spot
with his hand, Comere. My stomach dropped. Why was I so nervous? I walked to the
bed and sat down, scooting closer to my back rested on his front side and I let my
arms lay on his legs. I saw the mirror on his closet door again. I saw me and him.
We didnt look the same as before. When we were happy. We looked sick. We looked
tired. We looked like we had enough. He saw the reflection. He looked away as if he
didnt want to see it. He played with the bottom stands of hair that hung passed my
neck. He whispered, Hey, I told you to get dressed. He pressed his face into my
shoulder, waiting for my excuse. I rose my hand up and back, to play with his hair.
His was a lot longer. It was also really soft. I leaned my head back onto him,
giving into some sort of weakness from his breaths on my shoulder blade. I know,
I said in a lazy voice, I dont wanna wear that right now. He laughed, What? I
gave you a bath, you want me to dress you too? He nuzzled at my shoulder, then
lifted his head so his lips would lay there. I smiled and blushed. I didnt mind
that idea at all, but I wouldnt make him do that. I turned my head to whisper in
his ear, Nah. Ill just barrow somethin. It was hard to leave and stand up, but
Id be back there in a second. I went to his closet and opened it, choosing
something. I grabbed onto a hanger and revealed a big black shirt. I placed the
hook of the hanger in my mouth and undid my towel, but still holding it up so Chris
couldnt see anything, yet. I looked over my shoulder with a smirk, still having
the hanger between my teeth. His eyes were opened wide as his back wasnt against
the wall anymore. It was funny. His attention was on the towel, until he looked up
at me. He saw I was looking at him and he looked away quickly. His cheeks turned
pure red. I dropped it, my ass no longer hidden. My eyes on the shirt, taking it
off the hanger as slow as I could, like it was something hard to do. There was a
small portion of the mirror where I could see what he was doing without him knowing
I was looking. He noticeably saw the towel fall from the corner of his eye. He
looked at my face to see if I was looking. He saw that I wasnt. His gaze fell
lower and smiled with great interest. His lips even mouthed the word, Damn. I
slowly slipped the shirt on and nothing else. It was a little higher than fingertip
length, so I was good. Well, I thought so. I turned back around and began walking
towards him. He gave me a look like, Thats all youre wearing? The way I see it,
I was wearing less clothes while I was wearing a towel, what was the difference
now? I sat back in between his legs, pushing a little closer than hed probably
liked. You know, lengths really change when you sit down. The shirt didnt exactly
cover all of my ass now. Better? I asked, with a smart ass tone of voice.
Youre retarded! He shouted, loud. Did I piss him off? He pulled his arms around
me and spread his legs farther apart, so he could bring me closer. He took the
collar of the shirt between his teeth and pulled it off my shoulder so he could
press his lips there, like he was doing before. He muffled something, but I only
got, But I His voiced was stained with frustrated lust. Was I making him hot? I
let my arm hang back a little and let one of my fingers hang onto one of his jean
loops. I felt him getting antsy and moving around a little. I leaned as far back as
I could and brushed my lips across the lining of his ear before whispering, What
was that? MMmmm He moaned out, probably feeling my lips on his ear. He rocked
his body (along with mine) back and forth, kind of grinding his jeans onto the bare
part of my ass. His breath quickened and his hand reached down to the bottom part
of the black shirt. Vicky He said quietly, then grazed his teeth against the
skin on my shoulder. Fuck! No! He pushed away, as if he just realized what he was
doing. He panted hard and forced his hands onto his eyes, Shit! Goddamn it! He
bent his knees up and brought one across so I wouldnt be able to sit in the spot I
was before, Crap! This is so wrong! He was paranoid. He was scared. He was plain
freaking out. I just watched him, kind of mad. He made me horny with him, and then
he backed off. I still wanted his attention. I placed my hands on top of his, so I
could keep him from looking. I leaned forward and tried to steal a kiss. He pushed
me away from him and gave me a bitter stare, Vicky! Get some clothes on, damn it!
Fuckin ho! I could tell he was forcing his anger. He wanted to go on with what he
was doing, but what was stopping him!? I got up and gave my own rotten look to him,
before going to his dresser. I bent down and opened a drawer. I knew my ass was
hanging out. That was my point. I just sat there, taking my time in picking out a
choice of pants. Goddamn it, Vicky I heard him whisper to himself. Then he stood
up, stomping over to me. He picked out some boxers and knelt down, Pick one foot
up, He ordered. Fine, I said with a pout and did what he said. I waited, knowing
what my next step was. He placed the leg hole around my first leg. He watched me
for a second, then sighed. Your other one now? He said with aggravation. Humph!
He did what I was told, but I wasnt happy with it. Once he got me to do that, he
brought strings were long as hell even with a feet and left the room. He stopped at
fingers on his head, cursing here and the shorts up and tied the string tight. The
double knotted bow. There, He got to his the end of the hallway and placed his
there.

I was about to walk out there with him, but the doorbell rang. Who was here? I
watched the glowing green light on the clock that said, 5:45. It was that late
already? Me, being nosey, I waited until Chris heard it and walked down the stairs.
Then, went into the hallway and stood by the stairs. I listened.
The doorbell rang over and over until the door was actually opened. Has anyone
every heard of patience? I heard the door click open slow, then crash open.
Chiller! High pitched voice, Kira. She stomped her way inside, probably on her
own will, Where the Hell were you!? I waited out in the parking lot until every,
single Goddamn car left! You said youd give me a ride home, you ass! I can
imagine that blunt look on Chriss face, Did I say that? Oh, whoops. He said, not
really meaning it. Whoops? Kira questioned, then repeated with a louder tone,
WHOOPS?! Whoops, nothing, Chiller! I was freezing my ass off! Youre so
irresponsible sometimes! Sometimes I wonder what youre thinking in that retarded
brain of yours! She was silent for about two seconds before she went back on her
yelling spree, No, wait! No, I dont! She yelled out of aggravation, My God!
Youre so stupid sometimes! You need to write shit down! Maybe I need to lodge it
far into your stupid peanut brain! Maybe all that gay is clogging your thinking
space! I could tell all of this was going in one ear and out the other with Chris.
It was for me. You know what, Kira? I forgot. Okay? I cant go back and change
that. The Skeleton calmed herself, Alright, fine. She grew silent again, Is
Vicky here? I heard about her dad. Everyone knows. My heart stopped. What? Chris
said hes take care of it!? Yeah, I hear Chris again, Its a shame. For some
reason he sounded like he knew what he was doing. I guess, I had to trust him. If
he wasnt worried, then I knew he had it under control, right? Who would have
guessed Jon, though? I never expected him to be dangerous, Kira sounded sad. I
felt bad. I think I knew what they were talking about. Chris must have set Jonathan
up. He was thinking on his toes. He wasnt as dumb as he looked. How do you know
whos dangerous and whos not, Kira? A killer can be the nicest most trustworthy
friend you know. Not saying thats true all the time, but shit like that happens,
Chris said that with such a serious tone. I felt horrible after he said that. That
was aimed at me wasnt it? Yeah, Kira said, obviously not having anything to add
to that, Still, is Vicky here? Id like to talk to her. I want to know if shes
alright. Upstairs, Chris simply stated. I ran back into the bedroom. I forced
myself to look sad, which wasnt hard after hearing that. I sat on the bed with my
legs folded Indian style. I waited for Kira now. The Skeleton walked in cautiously
and gave me a smile, Whats up, dude? She wove her hand, trying to be friendly. I
just stared at her. I didnt want to talk to her really. I looked away. I wanted to
talk to Chris. I looked down at my lap. No, I wanted Chris. Her face turned sad,
Vicky. She came to me and hugged me, Im sorry about what happened. I know
things arent getting any better for you, but please dont give up! Was she
worried now? Why?
Shut up, I said quietly, only to have a few tears escape the corners of my eyes.
I never real considered Kira a real friend. Why did she have to care? You have to
get better, Vicky! Please! I dont want to lose another friend! She was
practically screaming these word to me. Talk about a total drama queen. I saw Chris
leaning against the door way, arms were folded across his chest and his Doodle. The
last thing she probably wants sentence he added hurt really bad, Plus, watching.
He looked a little pissed. His stare was more on Kira, Shut up, is you wiping your
emo snot on her. The JTs her bitch.

The girl let go and turned to him, Im just worried! Unlike you, I have things
called emotions and I dont fucking care what you say! I want Vicky alive, unlike
you! She meant that a different way, because hes not helping me get better.
Chris watched him with an ugly look. That hit him hard because he took what he said
another way. The way where he actually tried to kill me. Kira wouldnt know about
that ever. You know what? I dont like your fucking emotions. In fact, JT
doesnt like them either, and thats why hes Goth now. He stood there, still.
Kira took a step back, Thats not true! It was, wasnt it? She looked at me,
Right? I watched her wide-eyed. Why would I know? Oh, wait. Me and JT were
together, I forgot. Well I started, Pretty much. I mean, he doesnt like you
because you act like a whiny girl. I guess, I shouldnt have went that far, but
she kind of deserved that too. She stood there silent, thinking this over, No
She looked up at a random wall in the room, It was my fault? She fell on her
knees in disbelief. She was taking this a little too far. Thats why? Chris
tsked, I could have told you that a long time ago, moron. Think about it. Hes mad
at girls because he thinks theyre all against him. How many bad influences of
girls does he have so far? Ashen, his sister, his mom. When he has no one to turn
to, do you really think he wants to turn to someone else who acts like a bitch,
Kira? No. So, he had no one else to trust and he turned Goth again. The room felt
cold. It was so quiet. Chriss words actually made some-what of sense. JTs words
repeated in my head: Now Thats what I want A girl who takes control Not a
prissy little girl like Kira I spoke out, You need to be there for him. Even
when its hard, you sometimes need to be the stronger person. I mean, if you start
crying all over someone, like you were doing to me, thats just pathetic. That
isnt what they need. They need someone who understands and theyre suppose to be
the one crying, not you. Not you, thinking about how it will hurt you. Thats just
down right rude and selfish. You should slap yourself in the face next time you do
that. I didnt know I was going on and on about the subject. I looked up, Chris
had a proud smile on his face. He was impressed by my words? He might also be happy
because Kira finally looked like the dumb ass that doesnt know anything. What
should I do now? JT wont talk to me, Kira ask someone else what he should do?
Maybe she should give herself a good long preach. Make him listen, Chris was the
who would answer now, If he sees that youve changed, maybe hell sit down and
talk to you for once. Hell, I bet anyone will!
Even me. Kira got to her feet and looked at me then, to Chris. She rubbed her eyes
to get rid of her tears, I guess, youre right. She smiled a little, Both of
you. She walked towards the doorway and gave Chriss wrist a small squeeze,
Thank-you. Her grip slid off as she kept her pace. Chris shut his eyes, not
looking at him once, Good luck. For hating each other, they had a pretty close
connection. Well, more than you would think. Despite all that bickering, fighting,
and mean jokes on each other, they were still really good friends. I bet any money
they would go out of their way to help each other. Theyd probably pretend they
hadnt at the end, but still. Thats why Ive always been so jealous of them. If
they dropped all the fighting, they could possibly even be closer than JT and Kira
had been a couple months before. If that happened Id be replaced. I laid back on
the bed and watched the ceiling. What if me? They seemed close right now. What if
Chris was only sorry for me? What if, the reason why he cant show any that theyre
together? What if they fell in love behind Kira had already replaced helping me
because he felt emotions back to me, is my back?

I buried my face into the Chris scented pillow. Maybe I shouldnt ask What if
anymore. I cant think of that right now. I have to focus on what I have which
isnt a lot when I actually think about it. But if he was happy with her? I
couldnt be sad, because hes happy. Id have to be happy for him. Both of them. I
couldnt be a stupid cry baby, like Kira was being. Practice what you preach The
bed springs squeaked and weight had been shifted onto the bed. It had to be Chris.
There wasnt anyone else here. He placed a hand on my back, You okay? I lifted my
head up, so he could see my face. I forced a smile, but my lips shook wanting to
frown so bad. I made little whimpering noises, trying so hard to choke back my sobs
and hold back these tears. Y-yeah! See? I pointed at my ridiculous face. Liar,
He said, more in a neutral tone of voice and gently pushed my face back into the
pillow, A lot happened today. Youre allowed to cry. Dont think youre a pussy,
like Kira if you do. Two fingers came up to the back of my neck and rubbed there.
I began to cry. I wasnt like Kira, was I? I was nothing like her. She had the
pretty face Chris probably liked. What am I? A piece of shit! Im a murderer. He
could never love a murderer. What if I kill him too? Maybe not today, but one day.
One day, hell be laying there dead and all Ill remember is there being a weapon
in my hand. I have nothing. I dont want to hurt him.

Chapter ELEVEN
Chris and me go back about eleven years or so. Born here, in the small city of
Allentown, Pennsylvania. Back when there were little shops owned by people who
practically lived next door to us. Well, not by me. Over where there are bigger
houses. Normal houses. Houses with two stories. I liked walking by there. Over the
train tracks, to the normal side of town. Wishing I was there. Wishing I was normal
too. I remember one time I left the house. I was about six and I promised myself
Id run away and find a better place to live even if it was on the streets. I
walked and kept walking all that day. It was hard to keep my pace after sun down
though. Winter, being dark, meant it got twice as cold. It felt like my skin was
freezing over. After my legs couldnt take it anymore I collapsed in the snow. I
couldnt move. I couldnt get up to walk back home. It was way too far from where I
was, so I laid there freezing and shivering. Dude! Look! I didnt know at the
time, but that was JTs voice. It looks like a body! Footsteps ran over to me,
stopping close to my head. He poked the back of my head with his shoe. Think its
alive? He shouted over to someone else. Who cares. Its not like its our problem
anyways. That someone else was Chris. I want to get home, Im freezing my ass
off, and its all your fault! I heard him shudder, then lodge his foot at my head
a little less carefully. Aye! Aye! Get up! My fault? JT sounded offended.
Dude, you said you wanted to go to my football game! I think he stopped Chriss
foot, because he stopped poking me with it. And watch it! This kid could still be
alive! Yo just mad because you have no other friends, but me! Chris spat back.
Its not like you do either, fag! He kneeled down and pushed my body over so I
was laying on my back now. He watched my face, but saw the white steam clouds my
breath was making. I think shes alive. He shook my shoulders. Hey, kid! You
okay? Good. Shes alive, lets go! Chris turned away, about to walk. My eyes
slowly opened, now looking at the dark haired kid. I coughed a couple times and
answered back with my hood muffling my voice: Yeah, Im fine. I tried to move,
but couldnt. He looked up at his friend. Hey, fag! Dont walk away! I need your
help, she doesnt look too good. He watched as his friend slowly walked over to
us. JT looked down at me. Can you walk? He stood up a little and held my hands,
waiting until I was ready to get up. I carefully moved my legs, so my feet were
firmly on the ground. I stood up, but still held onto the dark haired kid. My legs
felt like they were freezing and burning at the same time. JT watched his friend
with a angered look. Dude, dont just stand there! Help me!
Help you? Chris said, as if he were accused of murder. Help you do what? The
boy supporting me put my other arm around his neck and walked over to Chris. Get
her other arm and help me drag her to your house! Chris just sighed and went over
to me, putting my arms around him. I remember him being way warmer than JT. He
mumbled something like Damn, I have to do everything around here. He said it low
enough that I just barely heard it and JT didnt at all. After that and a few days
after, they let me be their friend. Kira was still out of the picture at the time.
I never really pictured JT and Chris being friends at all, but once I saw how they
interacted with each other I was sure they sucked at being each others friends.
Chris would just rant and complain about everything and how JT was stupid and
boring. And JT, he just ignored him. To tell the truth, I didnt think JT wanted
any friends. So, it was another one of those hangout days. The three of us on
Chriss couch, watching TV. So, we have Chris who says anything thats on his mind.
JT whos not really an easygoing guy who likes to talk. And I think I fell under
the category of shy. Think about it, its kind of hard to talk to friends like
that. So, where you live, Vicky? Chris asked, out of nowhere. What was I suppose
to say? In the ghetto, right pass the train tracks. I stumbled on a few words. A
house? He just stared at me. I know that, you dipshit, but which one? They
caught onto what I was saying a lot quicker than I thought. I never expected them
to understand a word, but they did. Dude, we should go over to her place some
time, JT said. It was actually one of his first words since he stepped foot
inside. No! I shook my head, kind of defensive. What? Its not like you live in
one of those pieces of shit on the other side of town. Chris laughed after his
statement. I didnt. That changed everything and I was constantly being picked on
for being poor. I was the butt of every joke. And after awhile, it didnt really
bother me that much. I realized, Ive been called worse. One night, we had a
sleepover, at Chriss, obviously. JT didnt come for some stupid reason I couldnt
remember. It was going to be different, since it was always the three of us. I
didnt really feel comfortable. Jesus Christ! I cant believe I have to be stuck
with yo poe ass all night! Chris shouted as he sat on his bed. I was getting my
space on the floor ready to be slept on. I didnt have to do much. Just put my ugly
looking blanket on the floor. I laid on the floor with the thin cover over me. For
some reason, his floor felt a lot more comfortable than I thought.
Thats your sleeping bag!? He pointed at my blanket, laughing as hard as he
possibly could. I pretended I was already asleep. I really didnt feel like being
made fun of right now. He couldnt put any more jokes on me if he didnt have
anyone to listen to him, right? Usually, hed do it anyways. Get that disease
infested rug off my floor, brush yo teeth, and sleep up here. He rolled over,
stealing the best part of the bed. The wall part! (Everyone fights over that side,
duh). You know, the side where the mattress is up against the wall and you dont
have that fear of falling off. I went to the bathroom and did what he said. I was
really tired. Just thinking about sleep makes me want to go to sleep. The light was
off by the time I entered the room again, so I went straight to the bed. I laid
down, but sprung back up, and onto the floor. There was a sharp sting on my ass
cheek. I picked out what was sticking out of my skin. I was pissed. I actually
believed he would do something this nice? Not on my life. He pointed at me and
laughed. Did you think I was going to let you sleep up here?! AH HA! You couldnt
see the tack on my bed!? He spent a good minute laughing and pointing at me. God,
Vicky! Yo so poe, you cant even pay attention! That was the oldest joke, but he
laughed at it like he just made it up or something. I took my thin cover Not only
that, but I my ass. I rubbed my to remember to never that was on the floor and
tried to make myself comfortable. felt like an idiot because I believed him.
Youre a pain in ass cheek one more time and fell asleep on the ground. I had have
a solo sleepover with Chris Chiller .

My eyes opened. I looked over to Chriss mirror closet door. I was still Vicky
Avalanche. Sixteen, Sophmore in High School. That was the first time in awhile
since I had one of my flashback dreams. I really dont understand why I had that
kind of dream right now. I looked around. Where the Hell was Chris? I heard his
breathing. He had to be in the room, but where? He wasnt on the bed. I looked over
the side of his bed and found him sleeping on the floor. His arms acted like a
pillow for his head and he was on a notebook. His fingers twitched once with a
pencil between the index and middle. He must have fallen asleep doing his lyrics.
Lyrics? Well, I guess this wasnt my first time catching him actually doing
something productive. I looked back on my dream/flashback. He sure has changed a
lot since then. I probably wouldnt even consider him to be my friend back then. He
was a stupid asshole no one liked and he always got everything he wanted. What was
he now? He has to be at least a friend because I got his bed, while he got the
floor. That is a big difference, isnt it? Its a little hard to believe that this
room was the same room a few years back. I was curious about what he was writing. I
carefully took the notebook from under his arms, inch by inch. I didnt want to
wake him. I wouldnt want to be woken up either. I looked at the clock, 2:16. Two
in the morning? What was I doing up? What day was it? Did we have school tomorrow?
I guess, since he was doing someones homework. I shrugged that off for a second.
There was enough light outside for some reason. I watched the window. It was a
street lamp. A lamp close to the street. Wow, maybe thats why its called a street
lamp. I began to read:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------Ashen Clarice English III Period-
4th Good Vs. Evil The world is filled with many opposites. Theres never one
without the other. Smart, stupid; right, wrong; big, small; hot, cold; wet, dry;
and so on. But there is always a battle between each one. The biggest one is good
versus evil. When someone would hear that, what would you think of first? Maybe, a
hero and a villain. What truly makes a hero or a villain? Heroes save and villains
destroy. Heroes are strong and villains are weak. Heroes go to Heaven and villains
go to Hell. First, heroes save and villains destroy. The people such as firemen and
police would be considered heroes. Some unrealistic ones are Superman and
Spiderman. They go around saving peoples lives for a living. If they go around
helping people so others can survive, what is their life? Do they have one? Are
they like the Asians and not have a damn life? Whats a villain? A bank robber and
a murderer? Poor people rob banks, easy as that. Why should we punish them for
that? I dont see the fucking president starving or living on the damn street. And
half the time, a murderer is someone who wants revenge or is doing it in self-
defence. It isnt self-defence when bystanders are snooping around and telling cops
a different story. In that case, I think the cops are the villains. Second, heroes
are strong and villains are weak. Most think that, but its not exactly true, is
it? They dont put how heroes fail in little kiddie cartoons. Heroes cant be brave
and strong all the time. They have a weakness. Heroes are nothing but people too.
Pussies that stand out from the crowd and try to do something with their life
because most likely everyone around them ignores them. They die in honour. Villains
arent weak at all. They can even be stronger than heroes because they have a past
and a memory behind them. While heroes come from nowhere and are nothing but
rookies (just beginning to understand life), villains spend most of their life
planning what they want to do for revenge. Third, heroes go to Heaven and villains
go to Hell. Is that fair? Do heroes even know or understand how a villain feels?
Heroes are self-centered and probably watch themselves in the mirror every second
of the day saying, like: Oh my God, Im so hot!. Running around in their stupid
pansy tights saving the world. Villains are always looked down at no matter who
they are or what they do. Thats because theyre so different from heroes. Heroes
kill villains and they still go to Heaven. I think thats total bull. I mean, a
villain can kill himself, but hed still go to Hell. Gods rules. So, whats a
villain supposed to do? Go on living this life trying to avoid every hero out
there. Pretend like they like living? In conclusion, I THINK THIS IS BULL!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------It ended like that. And I found
myself feeling bad for Ashens grade.
I had a bad feeling when I read through it. He gave a different perspective. It was
almost as if he was trying to defend villains. More than that, it kind of felt like
he was comparing villains to himself. Why? He hasnt done anything wrong, right? He
seems innocent, but I could be wrong. Ive been wrong in the past. I tried to sneak
the notebook back where it was. For some reason, I didnt want him to know I read
it. It felt like I step into a boundary I wasnt supposed to be in. Sort of like
him being in my head. Listening and reading my thoughts. I guess, I was doing the
same to him. His hand grabbed my wrist right as I was putting it back. It felt more
like I surprised him than him being mad. Like I said, I could be wrong. He lifted
his head up, but his eyes didnt open all the way until he was a couple inches away
from my face. What time is it? He whispered. I felt a little shaky. It felt like
I was doing something illegal. I swallowed and answered back. I think, two in the
morning. What? He said with a You got to be kidding me-type of voice. He shook
his head and blinked a few times to fix his vision. He sounded a little more awake
now. Why are you up? Cant sleep, I spoke, plain and simple. I felt drained and
empty. I can be this close to Chris and nothing else. He could give me everything
in the world, but not the one thing I wanted from him. Something money cant buy.
He eyed me, a little concerned. Everything alright? He brought his fingers up to
his eyes and rubbed at them. Want me to get you anything? I gave him a little
pout. Can you sleep up here? I let my fingers slide against his neck. Please?
He gave a relieved smile as if he was going to say Is that all? He let go of my
wrist and placed his hand on the side of the bed so he could push himself up. Once
he got to his feet, he stretched causing him to hold his arms up in the air. I
snuck a glance of the bottom part of his stomach. Hooray for his shirt being messed
up. I secretly placed the notebook back down, where it would have been if I hadnt
stolen it. I was thankful that I didnt have to explain that. I got under the
covers again and cuddled my face into the pillow. Do I have school in the
morning? I asked. It came out muffled between my lips and the pillow, but I had a
feeling he understood me. Yep, He answered with a laugh. Every Saturday. I
understood it was sarcasm after he said it. He scratched at his side and got onto
his bed. His head kind of collapsed onto his pillow and he whispered, tiredly: You
better hope I get to sleep. He wasnt even under the covers, and I didnt think he
was about to either. I kicked the blanket off me and slipped my body next to his.
It was hard to get close to him because he was laying on his stomach. I forced
myself under his arm and let a leg and an arm hang over him. I let my head rest
next to his shoulder so I could purposely feel him breathing down my neck. Mmmm.
I could feel his chest vibrate as he hummed out: You smell good. Maybe he forgot
he gave me a bath not that long ago. The arm that was covering me,
tightened a bit. He blew a few soft laughs to my neck. My body tingled. Literally
starting at my temples, to my ears, down my spine, and slowly overcame every part
of my skin. When did his laugh get so sexy? I nuzzled my face into the fabric of
his shirt, wanting to get out a stupid girly squeal. I, obviously, didnt, but it
was tempting. My teeth sunk into that same shirt, accidentally grabbing a little
skin under it. I could feel his body tense and his spine straighten out for the two
seconds of my bite. He relaxed after, combing his fingers through my hair. Sure
you dont want something? He let another quiet laugh escape him and hit my neck.
My heart skipped a beat and it felt like I had to release the tingling sensation
out with one noticeable shudder. It didnt help. It only left small bumps all along
my skin, feeling like every hair on me was raised. My face met his and I had this
helplessly desperate look. I whispered to him: And if I do? I looked into those
brilliant green eyes, only to have my cheeks burn all the way up to the tips my
ears. For some reason he seemed to stay calm, having this amused smile across his
lips. I might give it to you. He placed his hand on my hot cheek. Why do I have
this weird feeling he knew what I wanted? My hand that was laying on him, grabbed
the side of his shirt and resting my knuckles on what was under it. I pulled
forward. I was shaking. I dont know why. Was I scared, or excited? I shook, I
couldnt stay still. I passed his face and drew closer, resting my cheek on his.
What would he say when Id ask him? What if Id tell him what I wanted? Would he
turn me away? Would he be so ashamed of me? Would I be alone? I couldnt get out
what I wanted to say. My teeth were chattering too much and the words wouldnt find
my tongue. This would change everything. This would change how we acted. This would
change how we saw each other. This would change how we went on living, forever. How
could I say my next words? How could I do that with so much pressure put on me? I
didnt want anything to change, but I didnt want it going on the way it was now.

Chapter TWELVE

Why couldnt I hear anything else but my breathing and the pounding of my heart? I
was laying so close. I was so close. So close to making everything real. But some
how I was afraid. I wouldnt let myself talk and say something that might kill
everything. It feels like I havent been this afraid in my life, even after
everything that has happened. I think he could feel me struggling with what I was
going to do next. He rubbed my back and tried to soothe my trembling (not that it
worked or anything). He pulled me back a little, watching me with a smile, that and
so his body could face me now. Relax, He spoke in a soft tone. Relax? I usually
tell THAT to him. My eyes looked down, seeing how close we were. Somehow, this was
different than
the many other times we laid next to each other. It was in this same bed too. I
whispered out something that not even I could hear. His fingers swept across my
cheek and a thumb gently pushed my chin up. He gave me an innocent smile, Can you
say that again? I didnt hear you. Surprised. He usually understand everything I
say, even when I dont mean for him to. I wanted to look away again, but I
couldnt. I was drawn to his eyes. Why do I love them so much? Theyre even more
attractive with his smile. I pushed forward and whisper my words. Taking the
biggest risk Ive done. Kiss me I closed my eyes tight, not wanting to know what
would happen next. I dont want to see his face. I probably pushed that smile of
his away forever. Was he even looking at me? I didnt want to know. I didnt want
to know how this would end. I should have kept my mouth shut, shouldnt I have? I
wanted to just crawl under a fucking rock and stay there until I died. Id be long
gone before Id show my face. He probably hates me. He would hurt me. His palm was
placed on my cheek. I flinched. Here it comes. What would he do? What would he do?
What would he do? I felt his warm presence as he leaned in closer to my face. He
breathed out three times (I counted), before closing the gap between us. We were
connected. His soft lips covered my bottom one and slowly slid off to make the most
satisfyingly small smack noise. I laid there, completely limp. Did that happen? It
felt like a dream. I swore I saw a pink background with butterflies around us. I
guess, I felt high. I opened my eyes in a total daze and watched him. He did do
what I thought he did. He did. He had kissed me and I could only watch him, still
giving me that smile. His cheeks were tinted pink. He probably couldnt believe
what he had done either. His eyes wandered away from me for a second, but
eventually met mine again. He swallowed and spoke nervously, So, uh anything
else? My chest rose and fell. I felt like I was having a heart attack,
hyperventilating, but in a good way. You know that awesome feeling of it being the
first day of summer and you know theres nothing to worry about? Thats how it
felt. I could almost smell the ocean water for some reason. I dont know why? So,
that was it? He excepted me? He shared the same feelings? I blinked. Did he just
ask me a question? It didnt matter. I pulled my arms around his neck and pressed
my lips against his, trying to keep them together while smiling. It wasnt working
so well, but I didnt care at that moment. We were both smiling. We couldnt keep
it together, could we? Maybe we couldnt believe it. I, personally, never thought
Id see the light of this day. Id give everything just to stay like this forever.
We separated just to watch each other again. He looked different. He looked happy.
I didnt feel uncomfortable laying so close to him anymore. Hes given me
everything, and more. His smile fades and so does mine. Not in a bad way. It felt
serious. Still, not in a bad way. His lips enfolded over mine and kissed the top
delicately, along with the bottom. His head went down and kind of just cuddled at
my neck. He whispered between rhythmic breaths, What about JT? He began to peck
carefully at my thin neck. I had more nervous breaths. I lifted my head up, so I
could expose as much skin on
my neck as possible. His kisses felt amazing. I just stared at the ceiling half out
of it. Chriss question hit my ear. It made me think. Was that why he didnt want
to do anything with me before? Did he think he was coming between me and that Goth?
If thats the case, why is he doing this now? Was it because I told him to? Did
that make it sound like it was alright now? I opened my mouth to answer back, What
about him? Is he He started, but became preoccupied with the new skin I let him
reach. He gave little kisses to it, up to the jaw and back down, stopping at the
middle. He tried his sentence again, Is he He couldnt help back give my neck a
little more attention before finishing, still with you? He let his tongue do
some of the work now, trying to find a good place on my skin. I thought about his
words. Hed stop if I said yes. I didnt want him to. No I groaned out, loving
his treatment. It gave my head this clouded feeling. I felt his lips curve up into
good (Hell, it felt good). He some spots, Be with me. He get at my shoulder.
Please a smile. He sighed out, but I think this time it was brushed his lips
across my neck and began nipping at lifted his hand and unzipped my jacket a little
to He added, pleading out into a heavy breath.

Feeling his teeth pinch at my skin, my body pushed forward, against him. For some
reason, it wasnt a bad pain. I wanted him to keep doing it. It made everything
tingle again. I fell short to respond, but I finally did, Always I gasped,
feeling another pinch. He found a spot on the middle of my neck and began slowly
sucking at it. Vicky He said barely audible, as if he didnt want to remove his
lips from his spot. He said my name just to say it. It sounded so much better even
if I could hardly hear it, because it was said so lovingly. I placed my hand on the
back of his head and gripped at his hair every time I felt pressure. I let him
abuse my neck. It felt so good. He charged his face forward and covered my mouth
with his. He muffled a groan. I needed to breathe. I let him have the rest of my
breath and separated our mouths. We stopped We breathed heavily into each others
ears. The pressure went away. All I could do right now is try to understand what
just happened. That, and remember how to breathe. My head lifted off of Chriss
shoulder and nuzzled my face on his so I could see him. He faced me, still holding
on tight. He looked at me with these glittering eyes. Ones Ive never seen before.
His face glistened with a little bit of sweat, but I didnt mind. It just showed me
he actually worked for something in his life. That was for me. His lips whispered
against my face, I love you so fucking much, Vicky. I knew why we stopped. If I
wasnt so Goddamn happy right now, I probably would have cursed. I know. I said,
teasing with his words. I knew he wouldnt mind. I kissed his forehead, and he
kissed my chin. I could wait, though. Shit like this takes one step at a time, even
if it felt like we were rushing right now. I could laugh, this relationship can go
as fast or as slow as it wants to. It didnt matter. As long as Chris kept giving
me his love. Shit, I want to be Mrs. Chiller So bad
Chapter THIRTEEN

We left. We drove. We didnt know where, but we didnt stop until that night. At a
hotel. I wondered where we were. How far we had traveled. How far from home we
really were. I didnt ask. I didnt think he knew either. I guess, it didnt
matter. Now, did it? It was practically pitch black in the room, besides the light
coming out from the crack of the bathroom door. I heard the shower go off. He
explained to me earlier he didnt get a chance to shower today. I looked at the
time. 12:04. Well, I guess, its a different day. I dont know? I didnt want to
think about it. How long would we be together? How long will it be until he gets
caught? How long will it be when I see him get taken away from me, because of
something I did? We couldnt run forever. I knew that. I think he knew that too. I
heard the water settle. The curtain opened. I was sitting on top of the bed, just
thinking. Waiting, I guess. No one was here. No one would be here. Everyone else
was back home. I unzipped my jacket. The door creaked open. He watched me standing
in the light, just staring at me with serious eyes. He was only in a towel and he
still looked wet. He just stood there, watching. Just the sight of him was making
me hot. I wanted him. Out of all of the people in the world, why could he be the
only one who made me feel that way? He only had a more serious look on his face
now, but those eyes wouldnt leave me. Vicky, He said low and transparent. He
shut the light off and the room was dark again. I couldnt see him. I didnt know
where he was. I was taken by surprise when I felt his hands on me, but relaxed for
that very same reason.I ignored it for now and rolled to my side, making my way
closer to him. I just noticed we were both covered in sweat. I guess, my attention
was on other things instead. He pulled an arm around me and kissed my lips gently.
He pulled away and removed a moist bang from my forehead. He went down and pressed
his lips on mine again, equally as soft as the first. I kissed those lips back and
fell perfectly into his arms. I placed one hand on his chest and let the other hang
off his neck. My fingers played with the short back strands of his hair. I smiled
and watched him. We didnt need words at this point. Just hold each other and watch
each others perfections. We were a new part of each other. We had fallen asleep
close. Still holding on tight.
My eyes lazily opened as I heard Chriss cell phone voice through the room. I
slowly got up and untangled myself from him. I took a second to look at him,
happily. I stood up and picked up the first piece of clothing I could find and
picked up the phone that was lighting up in the dark. I flipped it open and said,
Hello? This was a habit you do, right? I kind of forgot we ran away. Shit! What
if it was the police? Hello?! Chris! You fucker! Wheres Vicky! The person on the
other side screamed out. Who the hell was calling him this late? What time was it
anyways? I wish I recognized the voice. Sorry, but I think you have the wrong
number, I said, to be on the safe side. I didnt want people knowing this number.
And this could be the damn police for all I know. Vicky? The person sounded
surprised, Dude! Is that you? Where are you!? Ill come pick you up! Who the fuck
was this? I didnt want to sound stupid, so I kind of kept them on and pretended
like I knew who they were, Yeah, Im Vicky. Uh You dont have to pick me up, Im
fine. I gave a smile. I wasnt sure if it was fake or not. I guess, it didnt
matter since this was a fucking phone call. Fine!? Dude, Chris kidnapped you and
youre saying youre fine!? Kidnapped? Whered you hear that? I asked, a little
curious, and somewhat shocked. Dude! Youre all over the six a clock news! I can
imagine them pointing to the TV, and my picture on there. I rolled my eyes, Chris
didnt kidnap me. I stated. I heard a man in the background say something like,
JD, get off the phone! We have to keep all the lines open! My jaw dropped. JD?
As in, Gothic guy with a low empty voice?! Damn! It was him! What the fuck!? JD
said something like, Vickys on the phone. Blah. Blah. Blah! Everyone raced to
the phone, it sounded like. I slapped myself in the face. Jesus. Well, I guess the
Skeleton didnt get enough courage to talk to him, because JD would have known what
really happened. You know. I dont feel like talking. Bye. I hung up and sat
there. I couldnt have given away much. I stood up and made my way back into the
room. The sun was slowly starting to rise. I fell back into bed and slept. I heard
the cell phone go off constantly, but did nothing about it. JD. What a poser. What
a fucking conformist. I woke up to the sound of the road. We were driving again,
werent we? I had been laying in the back seat. I looked up, obviously seeing Mr.
Amazing in the
drivers. I got up and leaned towards the front of the car. My lips went to his
ear. I whispered, Good morning. And kissed the bottom lobe. He turned his head to
me and gave a warm kiss to my lips. His lips slowly turned into a smile as they
separated from mine. He looked forward and yanked the steering wheel to the left,
swerving into the proper lane. Jesus Christ, He said under his breath, then
cleared his throat. Um theres breakfast in the back seat. He concentrated on
the road now. I laughed a little and sunk back into my seat. I looked down at the
brown paper bag. Orange juice and a poptart! I smiled and looked at how the orange
juice was in a milk carton thing. Thats my favorite thing, I dont know why? I
picked up the silver bag of the artificially dry breakfast pastry. It was
strawberry! Sweet. I just smiled almost wanting to shed a damn tear. How could
something like this make me happy? It wasnt even that. He remembered what I liked.
Why is that a big deal? Why? This is the end of the line He said calm. It was
weird. I felt cold as he said that. I looked up. I felt the car stop. I watched out
the wind shield. Roadblock. I reached up and grabbed his arm. Tight, squeezing it.
I had a sick feeling in my stomach. How? How did they find us? Already? Our mistake
was probably stopping. We probably should have ran and ran some more until we
couldnt anymore. This means I started, I couldnt finish. Stay here He gave
my arm a squeeze back. We slip away from each other. He got out. He looked back at
me. He looked tired. Not only a need of much more sleep, but sick. And tired of
this. I wanted to save him. I went against his order. I got out of the car. The
officers with microphones told me otherwise too. My feet hit the steel bridge we
had stopped on. I walked slowly to Chriss side. I held his hand and looked up at
him. Lets save each other I couldnt say it with a straight face, but I meant
it. My arm went around him and hid my face away from this scene and into his chest.
The officer said something else. Really loud, ringing my ear. Something pointless.
Our footsteps slowly backed away. I followed blind eyed. Trusting him. Something
Ive always did half assed and got hurt for it. As long as I let him do his thing,
everything is fine. Our bodies hit a ledge. The officer screamed something else. He
climbed onto the edge. He looked down at only me, nothing else. Are you sure? He
whispered.
I smiled at him and gave him a nod. He helped me up and held me in his arms. I
looked at him. Not at the police. Not the crashing waves below the bridge. Only
him. Its always been him. I fell into his arms like I had before. I held tight,
Hold me tight Until you cant anymore I muffled into him. I promise, He said
into the top of my head. His hands rubbed my back, Have I told you that I loved
you? He asked. I looked into his eyes and smiled again, Maybe. Yeah, I think so.
He pressed his forehead against mine and spoke, Well, I mean it this time. We
both leaned in and gave our one last kiss. Gravity went against us. It had betrayed
us. Our feet werent touching the ground. We fell. But It felt more like floating.
We were finally happy. Chris was the only one who loved Vicky. Vicky was the only
one who loved Chris. I was afraid of him leaving me. Chris was afraid he would see
nothingness when he died. If I was his angel I would be his wings as well

END