Joel Dunstan

A Book of Poems
from the
Ill Minded
by Joel Dunstan

WARNING: This book contains SEXUAL CONTENT and COURSE LANGUAGE

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 Welcome to A Book of Poems from the Ill Minded. This is
some of my work recently that Ive poured my heart and soul into
creating. A series of poems to make you laugh and some sayings
to make you smirk. From Frank's awkward masturbation experience
to Chad the Chubby Chaser's devastating root. This book includes
all sorts of drama and stories to entertain minds as ill as my
own. Please take the contents of this book lightly as they are
only jokes.

WARNING: You will be offended by the content in this book

I hope you like it!

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 Ive Never Had Sex
Ive never had sex before,
Ive never had a root,
Ive never had the chance to shoot a woman in the boot.
Ive never put on the glove of love,
And given a sheila a shove.
Ive never got it on before,
Not in the back-nor front door.
Ive never taken a woman home
and lay her on the bed,
Ive never made her squeal and scream
and creamed all on her head.
Ive never had an STD
and for that I give my thanks,
But when I lay in bed at night
Im forced to have a wank.
Ive never had sex before
Because Im not that fly,
Im hoping to have done this all
Before I fucking die

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 Studying
In that room we sat all alone,
Our heads in the books-our minds not unknown,
Our eyes kept meeting and our hearts stood still,
We kept doing our work against all of our will.
Question after question,
Both in mind and in book,
Stuff this study session
I slammed my notebook
At last we could not take anymore,
We put down our pens and shut the door.
Our hands wandered all over each other,
We dropped all our clothes one-after-another

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 Prick
Every time I see that guy,
I want to punch him-make him die,
He once took everything twas mine,
Without a blink he broke my spine.
What would it take to end his life?
A gun? A rope? Some bleach? A knife?
Push him from a heightened place?
Or send him away and off to space?
Tie him to my cars toe bar,
And drive away to somewhere far?
Could I tie him to a heavy weight,
And watch him sink-settle his fate
Could I bat-in his knee caps clean?
Or slide a knife right through his spleen?
Kill him slowly or kill him quick?
Or leave him be Hes just a prick

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 Waiting
The world keeps on going-continues to spin,
When we are stood still where we always have been,
The change brings me hope-nothing goes without saying,
But our change is so little-I must keep on praying.
We make the littlest of movements-enough to keep hope,
On the slightest downhill most rough and tight slope,
It makes me wonder should we keep carrying on?
If I were anyone else we would be long gone
Im lousy and weak and should just let go,
Just rip of the band-aid dont let me die slow,
Do I need to move on and let you just be,
Or keep holding on and pray that you see.
We miss out on much because we wont move,
How cant you not see we have nothing to lose,
Youre spineless and weak but I am that too,
So Ill just be here waiting for you

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 The Ritual
Here at home where it all started,
He was never around and so we parted,
I left that night for a midnight stroll,
Intending on keeping my soul.
But alas I was being followed close,
By a dark man not wearing clothes,
He chased me down the road and more,
Into the forest we had dreaded before.
I woke at last to see him there,
Light some candles without a care,
He muttered Praise Clev and I blacked out,
To wake at home with many a doubt.

Was it real or but a dream?

This was not certain or so it seemed,
I washed my face with just my hands,
And thought about that strange strange man

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 The Octopus
Globity glooooob glob -
Gloop da-glop da-gloopity -
Da-glop da-glop bllllllllllllllll

You need 8 arms to play 4 guitars ~Joel Dunstan - The

Octo-People (2016)

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 The Very Eventful Shit
It started of nicely-not too hard not too soft,
And landed so neatly with a nice gentle plop.
For this I was keen-it had been a week or two,
Since I let from my bowels a big fat round poo.

Then came machine guns, The loud cries or war!

Water was splashing-I pushed against the wall
Faster and faster it rushed out so fast,
Like the hose of a firetruck it shot out my ass.

Then came nothing and with something it came,

My hole began to burn a fiery hot flame.
I clutched on my knees and let out a groan,
Thank god oh mighty Ive been left home alone.
Ten minutes passed with nothing out my ass,
My parents would be home if I did not act fast.
I heard the keys jingle as they pushed in the lock,
My parents are home just my luck.
I took one last go and out It came,
With all my might I had won this mad game.
I wiped up the mess and hit up the flush,
Only to find out so fast that the shit did not rush

It stayed in its place for many tries more,

As water began to flood on the floor.
At last it had sunk into the abyss,
And thats the story of my very eventful shit.

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 Suicide
Tie a noose and jump
Scull down a litre of bleach
Pop too many pills

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 The Wank from Frank
Friday arvo with nothing to do,
Frank sat all alone-his balls being blue,
He pulled out a chair and zipped down his fly,
He searched up three words-any man would deny.
He prepared himself for the time of his life,
But found himself in a bit of a strife,
The connection had dropped-he was left In the dark,
With his cock in his hands and his back in an arc.

Immediately he checked his cache,

But remembered he cleared it to save his face,
He realized then in situation,
He had to use his imagination.

He thought of chicks-he thought of guys,

He thought of boobs-of all shapes and size,
But nothing seemed to make him cum,
Maybe if he uses his thumb?
With a push and shove he got it in,
And gave his cock a bit of a spin,
His old baby-sitter he did think of,
And out came shooting his sticky love

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 Chad the Chubby Chaser
Chad was but a skinny lad,
Who worked a tradie with his dad.
As chicks walked by the men would say,
Chad mate! Shes good, Go give er some play

As days went by Chad kept to himself,

He did not want any skinny girls.
Chad loved his girls in plus size,
But was afraid to admit that to the guys.
Still days went on-no word from Chad,
His dad fear his son was a fag.
He confronted Chad whilst shoveling dirt,
ere comes a chick mate, Give er a flirt
Anger grew within Chads head,
Roaring with rage he got up and left.
He drove and drove for miles and miles,
A frown on his face no room for smiles.

He barged on through passer bys,

Wishing to him he had more size.
It wasnt until he got to maccas,
He realized he was completely knacked.

Chad ordered his food and sat in grief,

As he sunk his teeth in that Aussie beef.
Across the room their eyes did meet,
Their she sat upon that seat.
A girl the size of Warragamba dam,
She smiled at Chad and held his hand,
Chad grinned back, the first in a while,
This chick managed to make me smile
Chad came up with a pick up line,
As he did not have that much time,
Did you sit on donuts? cause you got a fat ass
Chad said quickly with no time to pass.

The girl was flattered-they left in a flash,

Chad was getting ready to smash.
He got into his Toyota ute,
And drove on home to get his root.

They got into bed with Chad on top,

All was good-Chad was ready to pop.

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 They tossed and turned till Chad got stuck,
This wasnt the plan when he thought they would fuck.

Elp Chad screamed reaching for air,

The girl had heard him and didnt care.
Chad prayed to god as he prepared to die,
I guess I shoulda just listened to the guys

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 Side Hoe Joe
Just the average Joe they say
when explaining guy to guy,
But average side hoe Joe was not
He was more than meets the eye.

Two ears, two nipples, two eyes, two hands,

ten fingers and a cock,
Joe looked like just your average bloke
but average he was not.
For Joe had many side hoes
more than twenty chicks,
Joe could not see that this was wrong
For Joe was rather thick.
Joe thought himself a player
A player of the game,
I Juggle more than twenty girls He said
To me their all the same
Long hair, big boobs, long legs, straight teeth,
A round ass and a cunt,
I love my girls from head to toe
I know them back to front.
Ava, Ruby, Mia, Ann, and Grace from Wallahroo
Zoe, Lily, Scarlett, El, and Chloe from Yalgoo
Ellie, Zara, Lucy, Joan, and Kaity from Bong Bong
Piper, Maya, Eva, Kate, and Tegan from Geelong

Joe knew these girls but not enough

To know their where abouts,
He messed about with many a day
Until he got caught out.
For one time at a restaurant
He caught familiar gaze,
From someone that he knew he knew
He saw the other day.
There she was, Lucy,
Out with another man,
For Joe was being played as well
And this was not his plan.

He had planned his date with Ruby

At an unfamiliar place,

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 And did not expect or want to see
That girl named Lucys face.
He rose and got up off his seat
And walked up to her place,
She laughed at his hypocrisy
And slapped him in his face.
In came Ann with Ava too
And grabbed him by his nuts,
Zoe and Zara then came in
And violated his butt.
Lily, El, and Scarlett
All made this time worthwhile,
By teaming up with Joan and Kath
To make Joe reconcile.
Then came all the rest of them
With pitchforks, torches, bats,
And bashed him, frightened, all alone,
And killed him where he sat.

For Lucy Loo had gotten a tip

That Joe was not her man,
She organized with all the rest
To shorten his lifespan

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 Hairy Henry
Henry Haretto had lots of hair,
Protruding from almost everywhere,
His hair was curly and quite thick,
From head to toe and to his dick.
Henry could not get the girls,
Even with his dashing curls,
His boys would repeat themselves all day,
Mate wax your chest, then surely youll slay
So Henry set out to start his quest,
On finding someone to wax his chest,
To wax his back-wax his butt,
To wax his pubes-wax his gut.

He walked down 5th and to the salon,

To ask if he could get his wax on,
They turned him away with a shocking gaze,
And sent him on his merry ways.
His mates had a laugh when he told them this,
And when asked to wax him-gave it a miss,
They said Go find a Malaysian lady,
To wax your hair and have your babies.
So on a plane young Henry hopped,
And in Malaysia that plane did stop,
He searched the streets to find a wife,
To which he could then build him a life.

Henry found himself a Malaysian lass,

With tiny boobs and no such ass,
But she could wax like no other girl,
And bye bye went young Henrys curls.

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 Ronnie the Rooster
Roosting was Ronnie Johns routine,
Hed go out every night,
To find a new odd place to roost,
A place that was just right.
Hed find a room to root and roost,
And leave ever so soon,
Then out again to hunt once more,
To find the wildest poon.

One night when out to find a gal,

He walked upon one place,
With scenery to please the eye,
And stop him in his gaze.
He walked right in past colored flags,
And noticed something strange,
This place was filled with lots of fags,
And not his type of range.
He asked around and found a girl,
Jamie was her name,
She took him round back to her place,
Where Ronnie planned to tame.

He stripped on down to just his jocks,

And Jamie did as well,
When Ronnie went to lick her out,
He found she was no girl.
Hung well he said with awkwardness,
Tension in the air,
He thought why not and made him cum,
Done without a care.
Weeks went by and Ronnie felt,
Worse than evermore,
He felt so weak and delicate,
His body was so sore.
The doctor diagnosed him,
As he began to pray,
He had come with nothing short,
Of HIV and AIDS.

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 The Wank from Frank Pt.2
Tuesday morning frank was stuck in his bed,
He lay there wishing he was getting some head,
He looked at his phone and his phone looked at him,
Got on to Google and searched up nude shim.

Sites were listed but which one to choose?

He clicked on the first one with nothing to lose,
He realized then in this situation,
He was gunna have to do some serious masturbation.

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 Whores

Whores,
Theyre the ones I do adore,
When theres nothing for you to do,
Theyll always be there ready for you.
Anytime, anyplace,
Doesnt matter what race.
Once simple message or pickup line,
And theyll me there ready and primed.
Sometimes aggressive and sometimes loose,
Scratching and squealing like a goose.
You might think this poem is wrong,
But youve clearly never seen a hoe in a thong.

These sluts they do have many names,

But that doesnt worry them they want sex games,
They do not want their image attacked,
They just want scratch marks on your back.
So If youre ever caught in strife,
Youve committed a crime or you cheat on your wife.
Whores will always be left there,
Whether it be a meal or even an affair.
When times are good and times are bad,
Nothing beats a good ol slag.
So if your ever in need of a release,
Call up a slut whos covered in grease.

By Finnegan Grieve

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 10 Refurbished Sayings

A Bird held within the confines of my enclosed fist,

Is worth two hidden beneath the shrubbery.

You are unable to purchase joy with any form of currency.

The feline is emerging from within the restraints of the

backpack.

What you consume is the same as what you are.

Do not pass judgement on a piece of literature

by merely looking at its display art.

To press your teeth into a hand providing food

would be a foolish gesture.

Replenishing yourself with an apple each 24 hour period

will prevent the doctor from visiting you.

Two incorrect gestures do not make equal to one correct

gesture.

Provide a male with a fish and he will be replenished for

24 hours,
Teach that same male the skill of retrieving fish from a
lake, river, or ocean,
And he will be replenished for the remaining years of his
life.

It would be foolish for someone residing in a house

made from glass to be hurling rocks.

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 Thanks for purchasing and reading my book. Im sure at one
stage this book offended you and for ethical reasons I shall say
that I am sorry and meant nothing by it. Which is sincere. These
poems are all jokes and should not be taken seriously.
Thanks,
Joel Dunstan

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