FYW Writing Revision for Daliyah Middleton

Blue Writing
Sophia Marcellus
7/10/2017
Summary/ Descriptive Outline

Author begins with a thought provoking statement about the level of importance of

graduation for students. She then proceeds to discuss the value of success and how prominent

figures, such as Barack Obama and Ta Nehisi Coates, have expressed their opinions on academic

success. SHe ends her paragraph with the thesis Ultimately, these inspirational figures for

inner city minority students create conflicting views of success, leaving our generation of

recent high school graduates to question whether or not they have actually succeeded,

according to our society.

The first paragraph begins with a speech by Barack Obama at Boston tech Academy and

how students should be able to succeed with a good education. However, the author supplies

evidence, from her personal experience, to contradict the claims Obama made. After, she

transitions to her third paragraph that talks about a prominent figure, Ta-Nehisi, who was

deemed successful but did not pursue a higher education.

She concludes her essay with her final thoughts on the matter and leaving readers to

worry about the urgency for success within the education system.

Letter Response

Introduction/ Thesis

You have a great hook because you started with a statement that can intrigue the reader

and make them think what you will be writing about. In addition to the starting sentence, I
would like to backup your statements with a source or a personal experience or an observation

you have made.

You have a solid working thesis. Although the you claim what side you will be arguing

you need to have supporting reasons to make your claim stronger. In simple terms, you have the

skin of your essay but you need the meat to be discussed in the first paragraph.

Body Paragraphs

Ideally, it is best to start off a paragraph with a topic sentence because it is necessary to

always tie your topic sentences back to your thesis just so the reader is more intrigued and can

see why your argument is more convincing. I like the use of the quote by Barack Obama because

it really helps grab the reader's attention. In addition to the quote used, I like how you embedded

the quote into your sentence but I think it makes it harder to make an analysis of what he meant.

Although you make very convincing arguments, I think you need to distinguish who the

"we" or "us" are. Unless, you are writing about a personal narrative, it will be hard for the

audience to understand who you are talking about unless previous stated in a prior sentence.

Transitional sentences are tricky especially when concluding a paragraph. I see you are

trying to convince the reader about how the struggles of an African American student to succeed

but I think you can explain that further when wrapping up a paragraph. For example "This Topic

sentence shows...why my argument is correct"

In the third paragraph, I like how you have embedded your personal experience into your

essay because it gives reader an insight of the author's perspective. In matter of fact, I like the

compare/contrast between President Obama and Coates. However, it is always great to further
explain why their viewpoints are different but since it is a short course essay, it is completely

okay to explain the difference in a sentence or two.

Conclusion Paragraph

The conclusion is very well done. I especially admire the worldly connection you made.

However, it would be better if you were able to summarize your thesis into the conclusion, so the

reader will not have to scroll up to read it. For the last sentence, I think this could be worded a bit

differently because it kind of strays away from your thesis. Overall, your essay is really great! I

like the topic you created because I can tell you are really passionate about it through your

writing.
Peer Review #2
Summary
Author begins with a thought provoking statement about the level of importance of

graduation for students. She then proceeds to discuss the value of success and how prominent

figures, such as Barack Obama and Ta Nehisi Coates, have expressed their opinions on academic

success. SHe ends her paragraph with the thesis Ultimately, these inspirational figures for

inner city minority students create conflicting views of success, leaving our generation of

recent high school graduates to question whether or not they have actually succeeded,

according to our society.

The first paragraph begins with a speech by Barack Obama at Boston tech Academy and how

students should be able to succeed with a good education. However, the author supplies

evidence, from her personal experience, to contradict the claims Obama made. After, she

transitions to her third paragraph that talks about a prominent figure, Ta-Nehisi, who was

deemed successful but did not pursue a higher education.

She concludes her essay with her final thoughts on the matter and leaving readers to

worry about the urgency for success within the education system.

Writers Response

1. Does this person have a solid thesis? If so,why? If not, how can they improve on it?

Your thesis has improved tremendously. I think you clarified the time period, your argument and

your proposition in a nice condensed sentence. I think your thesis ties together well with your

essay because your essay is not necessarily argumentative where you will need a counter

argument.

2. Do they have good transitional sentences?

I am happy you have taken my advice on transitional sentences. I think the way you ended your

paragraphs have flowed very smoothly onto the next paragraph. I like the use of transitional

words like in opposition to or similar too because it gives the reader a clear path of where

you are heading with your essay.

3. Did they have a strong analysis to back up their quotes?

I think you have improved on your analysis for each quote. Instead of immediately going to your

next reasoning within the paragraph, you analyze the meaning of Obamas Speech and

incorporate it into your experience.

4. Did their introduction have a lot of background information for their audiences?

I think your introduction needs more context to what you will be discussing. It would be a good

idea to incorporate the information on the text you use and it how it is important for readers to

read your essay. Creating a sense of urgency, builds up on the pathos created in the beginning

sentence which will persuade your readers to keep reading.

5. Did the quote they use support their argument or contradict their argument?

I think most of your quotes have been used wisely to support your argument. However, I think

you should be careful with embedding quotes from a speech.