Emotional Intelligence

Become the MASTER of Your Mind to Acquire

Social Skills, Leadership Skills & Self Confidence
 Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 So What is Emotional Intelligence?
Brief History
Chapter 2 Key Benefits
Self-Control
Self-Motivation
Stress Management
Mental/Physical Health
Leadership Skills
Decision Making
Social Skills
Relationship Management
Conflict Management
Chapter 3 The Four Pillars of Emotional Intelligence
Self-Awareness
Self-Regulation
Social Awareness/Empathy
Social Skills/Relationship Management
Chapter 4 Emotional Intelligence in Practice
Chapter 5 Developing Emotional Intelligence
Developing Self-Awareness
Journal Your Emotions
Developing Self-Regulation
Developing Social Awareness
How to be Aware of Other Peoples Feelings
Developing Social Skills/Relationship Management
How to Manage Other Peoples Emotions
Conclusion
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Introduction
Firstly, Id like to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book! The aim of this book is
for you to learn how to control your emotions and subsequently make the right decisions and take the
right action that will ultimately determine your success in life. Effectively, developing Emotional
Intelligence will allow you to tap in to your subconscious and become the Master of your mind.
Sounds cheesy but it is true. And with Emotional Intelligence comes great social skills, leadership
skills and self-confidence; three traits that are vital to succeeding in life.
So Im guessing youve heard of a thing called IQ (Intelligence Quotient). This widely known label is
defined as a number representing a person's reasoning ability. Basically, a person with a high IQ is
typically a highly academic and logical person who thinks in a sensible way. IQ has become a label
of all round intelligence, and one would assume it can determine someones ability to achieve
success in life. This is true to an extent; someone with a high IQ has a natural ability to learn and
apply skills, meaning they are successful in certain tasks. BUT, IQ does not determine social skills,
leadership skills and the ability to influence people. People with a high IQ are usually very good at
working by THEMSELVES on their OWN projects.
This is where the more modern concept of EQ (Emotional Quotient) comes into play. EQ determines
a persons level of emotional intelligence. EQ is considered by many as a far more appropriate
indication of success potential than IQ. The reason for this is because our emotions control our
decisions and subsequent actions for the most part. Emotions are very powerful and have the ability
to cause hugely destructive outcomes or hugely constructive outcomes. And this is why learning to
control your emotions and use them as leverage to build success is a key life skill. Im serious, this
stuff should be taught in schools.
In this book I am going to teach you the core principles of emotional intelligence and how to use them
to change your life for the better. Im not kidding when I say that when you learn to use emotional
intelligence consistently, you can become a great leader, build amazing relationships with anyone and
become a likeable, stress free individual. Lets get started.
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So What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way

Mavis Mazhura

A basic definition of Emotional Intelligence would be The ability to recognize, understand and
manage our own emotions, as well as the ability to recognize, understand and influence the emotions
of others.
So thats the basics. In the real world, being aware of our emotions and how they can drive our
behavior to impact our mental state, other people and situations, means we can control them and
therefore control the outcomes of any situation we are in. This opens up a whole world of
possibilities: we can lead a team of people and motivate them, we can resolve conflicts before they
blow up, we can be at peace with ourselves, we can develop deep relationships with whomever we
chose, etc. etc. Do you get the gist of it? Because communication is pretty much the key tool to getting
anything done outside of our own minds, and because emotions drive that communication (unless
youre a robot), being able to control your emotions means you become limitless in what you can
achieve.

Brief History
Since the late 1800s, IQ or Intelligence Quotient has been the standard test of general intelligence.
Although an accurate representation of ones reasoning ability, it does not determine communication
ability, and since communication plays a vital role in our lives, this puts a huge dent in the validity of
IQ in determining someones success potential in life.
The validity of IQ was first questioned in Howard Gardners Frames of Mind: The Theory of
Multiple Intelligences. He put forward the question that IQ cannot fully explain cognitive ability and
that other aspects must be analyzed to fully determine someones intelligence level. The first actual
mention of Emotional Intelligence came about in 1985 in Wayne Payne's doctoral thesis, A Study of
Emotion: Developing Emotional Intelligence. Towards the end of the decade, a model for emotional
intelligence was put forward by both Stanley Greenspan, and Peter Salovey/John Mayer.
It was not until 1995, however, that the idea of emotional intelligence was popularized by Daniel
Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Since the books rise
to popularity, emotional intelligence has become a staple in the self-improvement industry and an
unofficial way of determining success in life. The main argument for EQ (Emotional Quotient) being
more important than IQ is that a high EQ leads to better success as a leader, team player and socialite.
This covers personal and professional life meaning EQ could be a vital trait in overall life success.
Key Benefits

...emotional intelligence accounts for 80 percent of career success.

Daniel Goleman

Life is all about relationships. And relationships are built on emotions. So naturally, becoming self-
aware and therefore controlling your emotions is vital in having success both in your personal and
professional life. Ive compiled a list of benefits across all aspects of life so you get an idea of how
Emotional Intelligence can improve the quality of your life:
Self-Control: Emotions are triggered by external events therefore its natural to react to things in a
destructive way if negative emotions are trigged. For example, a natural reaction to an employee
making a mistake could be that you start to point out their mistakes more than you praise their good
work, leading to low motivation and lowered productivity in the workforce; a vicious circle seen in
many business environments. Being able to take yourself out of the situation and look at the bigger
picture means you could react in a positive manner, ensuring your employee respects you and is more
motivated to not make mistakes, meaning your business is more productive in the long run.
Self-control also covers the ability to endure delayed gratification. This is the ability to endure
sacrificing short term comforts now for the vision of success in the long term. Emotional intelligence
means although you may want to give up or procrastinate now because you feel stressed or upset,
looking at the bigger picture and realizing how you could feel later on if you stick to it gives you
emotional control and self-control over your actions, along with the motivation to keep going.
The famous Stanford Marshmallow experiment gave children a choice between being given one
marshmallow right away, or waiting for a short amount of time and being given two. They found that
the children who opted to wait and receive two marshmallows had higher success rates in school and
their careers later on than those who opted for the one marshmallow. These children most likely grew
up in emotionally intelligent environments, perhaps learning it from their parents.
Self-Motivation: Similar to self-control, being self-aware of your emotions is vital to staying on
track with your goals and working productively towards them. A lot of people get distracted by short
term comforts such as social media meaning they do not get as much work done throughout the
working day. Simply looking at the bigger picture, you can understand that although short term bursts
of pleasure are good, delayed gratification leads to better chances of success down the road. Thinking
like this means you are far more likely to put in the work now, being happy in the knowledge that the
hard work you put in now will pay off later. Being assured of your own abilities will also increase
self-confidence which overlaps with social skills too.
Stress Management: Being self-aware means you understand that stress is simply caused by your
own perception of a situation (usually peoples perceptions are blown up due to the negative
emotions controlling them, causing bad decisions to be made). Assessing the positives and negatives
of a situation means youre in check with what needs to be done to resolve the situation. Being in
control even under pressure means you will never have to get hung up on stress again.
Mental and Physical health: Stress management naturally means a peaceful mind and a healthy body.
Stress can cause all sorts of health problems such as high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease.
Furthermore, lowering stress and being able to control emotions to develop a positive outlook on life
means you are less likely to let negative emotions take over long term and cause mental health issues
such as anxiety and depression. Emotional intelligence boosts self-confidence and motivation
meaning you will actively work to maintain a healthy mind, body, soul and heart.
Leadership Skills: Emotionally intelligent people are able to inspire others and can make great
decisions quickly, meaning they are great leaders. In order to lead a team, you must be able to
understand and help with their needs; if you can do that you can inspire them to work towards a
common goal and that is invaluable in business growth. Being able to control emotions and not base
decisions on negative emotions, whilst also evaluating the positives and negatives of an outcome
means quick and informed decisions can be made to move a project in the right direction.
Decision Making: Your life is moulded by your everyday decisions. Simply put, deciding to work
out for 30 minutes every morning will over time create a healthy, energetic, low stress and happier
lifestyle. Deciding to lie in bed instead and eat junk food to save time will, over time, create an
unhealthy, low energy, depressive lifestyle. Its the small decisions you make that dont seem like
they mean a lot that eventually lead you to success, or to failure. Thats why basing decisions on
logical, educated thoughts rather than current emotions (which could either be positive or negative) is
imperative to success. Being self-aware of your emotional state and controlling it means making
smarter decisions.
It has been found that emotionally intelligent people are not effected by anxiety when making
decisions, but people with low emotional intelligence are influenced by anxiety in their decision
making.
Social Skills: Networking is key in business, and as they say, business is built on relationships.
Therefore, being able to influence the emotions of others will help hugely in growing your circle and
developing productive relations. Social skills are also key to making new personal friends so social
skills help in every aspect of life.
Relationship Management: This is similar to social skills but on a more personal level. Happiness
depends a lot on our relationships so building/maintaining deep and long lasting relationships with
partners/spouses/family is vital to leading a happy life. Being able to use empathy to influence the
emotions of others will provide a core tool to ensuring relationships stay happy and conflict is
always resolved or avoided.
As you can see, emotional intelligence is applicable to all walks of life: starting within us in
maintaining a healthy mind and body, leading to external relationships both personally and
professionally. Developing Emotional Intelligence will truly allow us to become the masters of our
own minds and will help us succeed in all walks of life. With the internal/external peace and
confidence developed through emotional intelligence, we will be well on our way to achieving
successful and most importantly HAPPY lives.
Conflict Management: Theres a lot of optimistic and happy people in this world that are very easy
to get along with. Unfortunately, there are also a lot of negative people who just seem to want to argue
at the slightest trigger. Perhaps even you have days where you argue a lot because youre stressed or
sad about something. Emotional intelligence comes into play in these moments, allowing you to snub
conflict before it blows up by changing your own emotional state and influencing others emotional
states positively.
The Four Pillars of Emotional Intelligence
To master Emotional Intelligence, you must learn and make a habit of utilizing the four main aspects
of it. The four pillars fall under two categories: intrapersonal emotional intelligence, and
interpersonal emotional intelligence. Basically, intrapersonal is the understanding and management of
your own emotions, and interpersonal is the understanding and management of other peoples
emotions. By understanding each of these aspects you can relate them to your life and pinpoint exactly
what areas you need to work on to master them (youll be doing this in the second part of the book).
Here they are:

INTRAPERSONAL
Self-Awareness: Simply put, self-awareness is the ability to pick up on the emotions you feel before
they take control of your actions/thoughts. Emotions arise depending on the situation we are in and
they can manifest psychologically or physically. Usually, the physical feelings happen before the
psychological thoughts kick in, so its important to tune in to what your body is telling you in order to
become aware of each strong emotion as they happen.
For example, if you are about to give a presentation in front of your work colleagues, your heart rate
may increase and you may get butterflies in your stomach. If you do not pick up on this, you may start
to have negative thoughts such as thinking you will stutter when giving the presentation or thinking
people will criticize your performance.
The first step to achieving emotional intelligence is to develop the habit of picking up on emotions as
they arise. By doing this you will be well on your way to controlling them in order to control your
actions and make better decisions.
Self-Regulation: Once you are able to pick up on your emotions before being controlled by them, the
next step it to learn to control the emotions in order to create a better outcome. A key idea in learning
to regulate your emotions is understanding that our ability to cope with change around us is based on
our perception of each situation, rather than the situation itself. Our emotions have a big role to play
in this.
Take the emotion of fear for example: Say you run your own business and an investment opportunity
arises. Its an opportunity to grow your business, but the fear that you will make mistakes and then be
up to your knees in debt stops you from taking the opportunity. A person with low emotional
intelligence in this situation would work themselves up by being enslaved by their emotions and
could go on to not take the opportunity, causing negative long term consequences. However, someone
with high emotional intelligence would look at this from an outsiders perspective, realizing its
actually not as daunting as it seems, its the opportunity to massively grow their business in the long
run!
Thats just one example. The ability to control emotions can help in all sorts of situations. There are
many different ways and exercises to tackle your emotions and learn to control them; I will guide you
through these in the second half of this book. The main point is that by controlling your emotions
rather than having them control you, you take the steering wheel and become a product of your
decisions, not your circumstances.

INTERPERSONAL
Social-Awareness/Empathy: Okay, so once you can perceive and regulate your own emotions, its
time to move from internal to external and become aware of other peoples emotions. Its a common
fact that you must take care of yourself before taking care of others; without self-improvement, how
would you ever build up the strength to improve other peoples lives, in turn bringing great value
back to yourself? Once youve mastered your own emotions this shouldnt be too hard to do. The
main thing to remember is that other peoples thoughts differ from ours, so we have to be able to put
ourselves in the shoes of other people and see things from their perspective.
In order to understand what others are feeling we must learn to analyze their verbal and non-verbal
communication. This can be tough to master but by become good listeners and being truly interested in
another person we can make inferences as to what they are feeling.
Social Skills/Relationship Management: This goes hand in hand with social-awareness and is all
about responding to other people to influence their emotions and control situations to create better
outcomes. Most emotions arise through social interaction, such as the feelings of love, pride, and
guilt, jealousy and embarrassment. Therefore, it is of paramount importance that we learn to influence
these emotions in order to build and maintain relationships that can lead us to a happy and successful
life.
If you think about it, relationships are built or destroyed on emotion; someone who is optimistic will
give off positive emotions to people they meet and subsequently build healthy relations with their
peers; someone who is pessimistic could give off negative emotions and subsequently be disliked and
pushed out of their friendship group. This is why its so important to cultivate positive emotions with
those around you to build strong bonds. This is just as important in personal life as it is in
professional life.
Emotional Intelligence in Practice
In this chapter we will cover many key indications of high emotional intelligence, displaying how you
can develop them to live a more enriched life.
If you have ever met a highly successful person, there are usually certain characteristics that define
them. These people are always calm and collected. They are welcoming, happy people who almost
seem so laid back you wonder how they can be like that and be so successful in their professional
life! These people are highly emotionally intelligent. Why? Because they have all the capabilities of a
successful leader in business such as decision making skills and the ability to motivate a team, and
they also know when to switch off from the professional mind-set and use their social skills in a
personal environment. This is because theyre self-aware and self-regulating, and they are socially-
aware so know how to react around people whether it be a professional or personal environment.
Yes, some people can be ruthless and selfish and still manage to become successful, but people like
that are not emotionally intelligent. They have the grit and discipline required to be successful, but
most likely they are not in tune with their emotions so are constantly uptight, stressed and never know
when to switch off. These people are unhealthy mentally and physically, despite their success.
The difference is that emotionally unintelligent successful people view success as quantitative: they
only care about results, logical thinking and their own success. Emotionally intelligent successful
people see success as objective: they base their success on overall happiness through the pursuit of
self-realization, good relationships and helping others. If you look at it from this angle you will
realize emotional intelligence has a big part to play in becoming successful and happy. Whats the
point in being rich if you have no friends, no free time, and are never relaxed?
So lets look at an emotionally intelligent all-rounder and how they live their life with emotional
intelligence to be the best version of themselves, therefore maintaining a happy and successful life.
 If you want to avoid emotional mediocrity, be on time for every
present moment.
Dr. Jacinta Mpalyenkana, Ph.D, MBA

This person is a leader: But not just a leader, a leader that inspires their followers to produce
amazing results. Many businesspeople who manage teams do not care for their employees feelings. A
good leader will always take the time to understand the needs of the people below them. They will
exploit their teams strengths and work on their weaknesses to ensure they are as productive as
possible, and they will motivate them by ensuring they always have goals that inspire them to work
hard and be productive.
Not only do emotionally intelligent leaders understand their teams feelings but they understand their
own. They are self-motivated as they thrive on good emotions; they look at the positives of every
situation to assess what good they can achieve out of everything, and they are confident in their
strengths and know their weaknesses, meaning they can delegate work or ask for help appropriately,
and are not afraid to do so. Being honest with their strengths and weaknesses is vital as it means they
do not become defensive and are always confident in their abilities, and so long as they are self-
aware this should not be a problem.
This person is a great listener, and is always willing to learn from others. In order to be like by
other people and to get the most out of other peoples strengths, its important to always be interested,
or at least respect other peoples opinions and knowledge. They engage with someone fully when they
are speaking through open body language such as eye contact, good posture and asking questions,
therefore people always appreciate what they have to say. People are therefore more likely to help
them out in times of need out of respect. By listening and being willing to learn from others, people
develop a sense of self-confidence and trust in them. This always helps them down the road, whether
they develop a personal or professional bond with them.
They understand why they feel a certain way and are accountable for their actions. Everyone gets
emotional, its completely natural; and often we can get over emotional and start to think rationally.
But by being self-aware they will always take responsibility for their actions and be able to take
constructive criticism without being on the defensive. By doing this they drastically reduce their
stress levels as they know what they need to do to improve and dont dwell on it, but rather take
action to amend any wrong-doings.
They are always willing to help others and strive to be a moral person. By being in touch with other
peoples feelings they influence them in a positive way. This is a skill that can makes them extremely
popular with their peers, but not only that, people look up to them as a great leader. The best leaders
are the ones who truly want to help others and provide the best value to them. In turn, their
employees/co-workers respect them highly, and their customers will stay loyal. They give value and
receive value back. Thats how business and relationships in general work in their simplest form.
How do they keep in touch with other peoples feelings? They are able to read people. This consists
of being a good judge of character, and being able to make assumptions based on peoples verbal and
nonverbal communication. People are very bad at keeping their thoughts in their heads, mainly
because they subconsciously give off vibes through things like body language, facial expression and
the tone of their voice. Understanding what certain nonverbal communications means they take the
edge in any social/professional situation to control the situation, driving it to the outcome they desire.
As you can clearly see, a person who utilizes all these traits is bound to be a successful person
professionally, socially and internally. They are a leader in their profession and are able to motivate
themselves and their team to achieve their goals. They know exactly how to handle people to develop
great social and profession relations. And most importantly they can control their emotions to reduce
stress and live a happy lifestyle.
Does this sound like the sort of life you want to live? If your answer is yes, then great, its actually a
lot easier than it sounds to develop emotional intelligence and master your mind and life. Reason
being, because it all starts from within. The only thing you must do is develop mental habits to keep
everything in check and to develop your mind set. Once you consistently implement emotional
intelligence into your life through the exercises Im about to teach you, it will stay with you forever.
Developing Emotional Intelligence
Now youve seen how emotional intelligence creates an amazing quality of life in practice, lets get
down to learning how to practice it!

Developing Self-Awareness
Emotions are very powerful things. Let me demonstrate how they have the power to control you.
In short, the way you perceive a situation is through the filter; the filter is basically how your belief
systems and thought processes interpret the situation. This then creates an appropriate emotion
depending on how you perceive the situation, which then leads to your actions/reactions. If you do not
develop consciousness before your emotions take hold of you, you are at risk of coming across as
inconsiderate, disruptive and conflictive to those around you, and more importantly you can develop a
sense of hopelessness in yourself due to the fact you cant control yourself. By becoming self-aware,
you have to develop a sense of mindfulness. Basically, you have to live in the moment in order to
consciously pick up on your emotions as they happen. There are several ways to do this which I will
now explain.
The first thing to understand when seeking emotional awareness is that emotions are subjective. This
means that the things that trigger different emotions in you are particular to YOU. There is no specific
list of situations that could arouse different emotions. There are many reasons emotions are
subjective, but its mainly due to nurture rather than nature. Basically, how you were raised and
what environments you are used to create your emotional quota.
Example: A child raised in a household full of conflict such as parents arguing and overreacting to
their mistakes will normally develop a low emotional intelligence. This is because theyre used to
seeing people act on their negative emotions, so they develop a low emotional control and
subsequently have volatile relationships with friends and partners/spouses in the future. This sort of
upbringing can lead to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression due to the fact they are
used to letting negative emotions control them and become worse over time.
Its a sad fact that we cant choose what situation we are born into and therefore potentially develop
bad habits from it. But nurture is not final. If you are familiar with the example I raised, then you must
understand that your mind set can be changed if you develop the right habits through certain exercises.
So lets look at how to be aware of your emotions so you can then control them to change what could
become negative outcomes. The main lesson here is to make a habit of noticing the emotions as they
occur and realize what has caused them so you can then alter them how you please to avoid
destructive situations or build on positive situations.

Journal Your Emotions

The first step is to recognize emotional patterns within you and what situations trigger them.
Obviously, its easy for emotions to creep up on you subconsciously and next thing you know youre
acting on them in a way that you shouldnt. So to recognize patterns to pick up on in the future, you
should start by looking back at past situations that you know you could have avoided or acted
differently in if you stopped to think about it. Get a note pad and write down the situation, the emotion
that you felt, how you felt it (was it a physical or psychological feeling) and the actions you took
based on that emotion.
For example, your partner may have given you some constructive criticism over a mistake you made
at work, and you felt embarrassed and angry that they had criticized you. Your heart rate increased
and you felt hot and flustered, and you subsequently got over-defensive and criticised them in return,
causing an argument that shouldnt have happened. (Small situations like this, repeated over time have
the power to ruin relationships long term, so making habits to avoid them over time are vital in
building long term happy and constructive relationships.)
Try to think of at least 4 different situations and note each part down like I mentioned. There are 4
basic emotions: happiness, sadness, anger and fear; other emotions are just a mixture of these 4
basics. For example, jealousy is a mixture of anger and sadness. Try to remember a situation that
happened based on each core emotion, and the effect it produced due to your actions. This way you
can understand what usually triggers each emotion, how you feel because of it (important so you can
pick up when an emotion is about to control your thoughts and actions), and what consequences it
usually has. Knowing the effects of each is important so you know which emotions to change from
negative to positive, and which positive emotions to build on to create even better outcomes.
Example: Say you write down that one day you were happy because you found out a friend had
recovered from an illness, and throughout the rest of the day you had great constructive conversations
with co-workers and your partner and therefore went to be satisfied and happy that night, you must
develop the habit of building on any positive emotions that crop up daily to mimic this scenario and
create consistent positive situations. If there is nothing that triggers positive emotions, practicing
daily gratification in the morning helps too. Simply listing 3 things that you are currently grateful
for/excited about every morning can drastically improve your mood for the whole day.
A sure fire way of noticing your emotions on a daily basis would be to set an alarm 3 or 4 times
during the day, in the anticipation that you will be in some sort of emotional state during these times.
Often we get so caught up in the events of the day that we lose touch with our emotions, so by setting
alarms and taking a step back to analyze your emotional state, you will quickly develop the habit of
self-awareness and it will become second nature. In the exercise its important to pick up on how the
emotion is affecting you, whether it be psychologically or physically. This way you will eventually
become fully in tune with how your body reacts to every emotion.
If you have trouble picking up on your own emotions to start, why not ask your friends their opinions
of you? Ask them to evaluate your character and what main traits you have, positive or negative. This
way you can pick up patterns of behavior and relate them to emotions you feel. This is also a good
way of being honest and accountable to yourself. Let your friends be honest and then take
responsibility for your own emotional strengths and weaknesses in order to actively go out and
change yourself for the better.
It is important you regularly keep track of your emotions and outcomes through these methods on a
weekly basis. A simple way to do it would be to sit down for one hour on a Sunday night and list all
of the strong emotions you felt and the outcomes for that week. Reward yourself for the positive
situations and write down how you can turn the negative situations around in the future. If you can do
this every night, even better. Consistently being aware of your emotions after they happen will
develop the habit of awareness in the present. This is what were looking for. Over time you will
start to recognize emotions as they happen and then be able to regulate them.

When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-

esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so
that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with
ourselves.
Jess C. Scott
Developing Self-Regulation

Unleash in the right time and place before you explode at the wrong
time and
place.
Oli Anderson

So how do you take this information and implement it into your daily life? The best way to do this is
to look over each situation and analyze WHY you acted that way, and put a LONG TERM cost on the
actions taken due to the emotion. In the example with the argument with your partner, you could look
at the bigger picture by thinking how these little blown up arguments will affect the relationship long
term, or how they already have affected it over time. Think about how being more in touch with your
emotions and controlling them positively will make the situation better. Rather than getting defensive
and reacting to constructive criticism, you could have taken responsibility for your mistake, and
respected that your partner is only trying to help you.
By picking out how the situation is of value to you through the positives, your emotions can quickly
turn around and create a positive outcome. The long term cost of negative emotions turning into
negative outcomes is fatal. It has the ability to destroy personal and professional relationships and
endanger your overall life happiness. BUT, the short term cost of taking a step back, assessing the
situation and then turning your negative emotions on their head is completely worth it for the long term
success that emotional intelligence can achieve.
By analyzing positive emotional situations from the past, you can mimic them in future situations to
develop a positivity habit. So your friend recovering from their illness caused you to feel ecstatic and
therefore positively influence your actions and those around you for the rest of the day? Understand
that the things you are grateful for can positively impact you when you think about them. In a stressful
situation such as facing adversity when working for yourself, doing something as simple as listing all
the things you are grateful for and all the exciting opportunities you have ahead can instantly change
your mood and cause you to act upon positive emotions; you will look adversity in the face and know
that you can overcome it.
Taking a step out of any negative situation and looking at the bigger picture, assessing the cost of
reacting negatively, or simply picking out the positives of that situation will always turn your
emotions around and therefore you can act positively. So long as you make a habit of picking up on
the emotion, and evaluating how to approach the situation, you will never be controlled by your
emotions again.
A great exercise in self-regulation is to re-direct your emotions as they occur. This is effectively just
thinking about the emotion from a different perspective and altering it to transition from positive to
negative. For example, say you are starting a new job tomorrow, and you are lying in bed not able to
sleep. With your knowledge of self-awareness, you understand that what you are feeling is anxiety;
you are anxious about starting this new job because you are overthinking negative situations in your
head, causing the fear of failure and the fear of not being accepted by the people you will meet. You
are also feeling nauseous and your heart is beating fast so you cannot sleep. Realize that your
perspective is biased due to your own thoughts, then you have the ability to change it.
Try this: decide in your head that the anxiety is actually just excitement mixed with the fear youve
developed from overthinking, so start to think about what long term successes you could achieve from
this new job. This way you will reduce the fear and increase the excitement you have from starting the
job. Your subsequent actions will be starting the new job with an open mind and an eagerness to do
well in it. That small change of perspective has the potential to lead to long term success in your
career. You see how emotional intelligence can turn tiny thoughts into huge success? This is only one
example. You can do this with any emotion: turn anger into motivation, sadness into peace, hatred into
forgiveness. Its all about developing a positive mind-set, always seeking out the good in any
situation. Do this and you have the ability to live a consistently happy life.
Remember, you are completely responsible for your behavior based on your emotions, so its
important to take responsibility for your actions. Once you are honest with yourself, it will be a lot
easier to want to find solutions to your negative emotions taking hold of you. But make sure you find
solutions, do not repress the emotions. This only leads to emotional build up causing a long term
negative outlook on life. Instead of repression, try diffusion. Diffusing emotions is simply just using
the emotional energy in a more positive way, like re-directing your emotional state as I have
previously mentioned.
It is important to not be too harsh on yourself. Be honest, but dont enforce negativity by assuming that
you are a lost cause and cannot be emotionally intelligent. Assess your emotional state, figure out how
you can positively use it in the future, and you will slowly start to build confidence in yourself.
You must have the mind-set that you want to change and must change in order to communicate with
others better. Once you are able to self-regulate, you will transition from reacting to responding.
People who react do this unconsciously as their emotions control their actions, and it can cause all
sorts of problems. People who respond make a conscious effort in deciding how to behave based on
their emotional state. This is the goal.
Developing Social-Awareness/Empathy
Self-awareness is the basis for understanding why you feel the way you do and thus being able to
control it for the better with self-regulation. Social-awareness, or empathy, is very much the same in
the sense that you are able to pick up on emotions, but rather the emotions of others. As I mentioned
earlier, emotions are completely subjective and unique to YOU, so naturally different situations will
trigger different emotions in others.
Some people you meet may already be emotionally intelligent, however some may not. You probably
know a few people you would class as over-dramatic; people that take things personally, start
arguments easily or are just generally pessimistic. These are the sort of people you must communicate
carefully with, for if you do not understand what makes them tick you are at risk of
miscommunication, leading to negative and unhealthy relationships. Have you ever heard someone
say after a breakup that they and their partner just didnt understand each other? Yep, thats
miscommunication. Its because they are not socially aware!
Okay, in a personal sense you may not want to develop relations with these sort of people and that is
fine. After all, you are free to pick and choose who you want to be friends with. However, it is can be
very beneficial to use emotional intelligence to influence friends who are perhaps not the easiest to
get along with. With emotional intelligence you have the ability to influence and actually improve
their thinking if you work at it consistently and really want to improve that relationship.
Moreover, in a professional environment, you have to tread carefully and use emotional intelligence
if you want to succeed with working as a team, building your network, or leading a team. Emotional
intelligence is perhaps the biggest factor in determining success in business. Again, business is built
on relationships. Sadly, most are negative; rivalry, conflict and politics are commonplace in a lot of
office environments. But business built on emotional intelligence, specifically social awareness,
means that business is built on healthy and constructive relationships and will always do better than
those built on friction.
Once you can understand and regulate your own emotions to improve how you act and react to others,
the next step is to use empathy in order to deal with other peoples actions/reactions, and to build
amicable, constructive relationships. This applies to any type of relationship; from meeting strangers
to marriage, from networking to business partners, etc. etc.

How to be aware of other peoples feelings

To empathize with someone, you must be able to understand what they are saying, and what they
actually want to be saying. Basically, most people cloak their real feelings out of embarrassment or
fear of not being accepted, so its important you notice patterns in their tone of voice, facial
expression, eye contact and body language. Theres a lot that goes into it, but usually if you are in
touch with your own emotions and how they come across to other people, you should be able to pick
up deeper meanings in what others communicate to you.
Furthermore, if you actively pay more attention to someone by showing them that you are listening and
care for what they are saying, they are more likely to open up. Hostility only leads to subdued
emotions. Little things like crossed arms, bad eye contact and talking over other people can cause
people to fear opening up to you. If you show your empathy by truly being interested in what they have
to say, they will be more than happy to open up to you, meaning you can influence their emotions to
make the most out of a situation. Essentially, if you are willing to learn more about a person, you will
gather insights into what makes them tick and at that point you will be able to manage your
relationship with them effectively.
If you are interested in learning how to analyze people, Id recommend reading the book How to
Analyze People: Proven Methods to Successfully Analyze Anyone by author Clive Wilson. Heres a
snippet from the books description:
What if you could:
Read body language to uncover what people are thinking
Analyze people through micro expressions
Use your own body language and expression to your advantage
Evaluate conversation to take the edge
Most of us have a hard time analyzing what people are trying to say, and we end up coming to the
wrong conclusions, or giving off the wrong impression. This has a negative impact on our lives,
whether it be with your partner/spouse, or your relationship with your boss/co-workers. With How
To Analyze People: Proven Methods To Successfully Analyze Anyone youll learn to understand
peoples behavior and manipulate any situation to your advantage!
Click here to check it out over on Amazon.
Developing Social Skills/Relationship Management

The only way to change someone's mind is to connect with them from
the heart.
Rasheed Ogunlaru

Social skills are the final piece of the jigsaw. Once you can understand and regulate your own
emotions and understand the emotions of others, youre ready to influence the emotions of others in
order to deal with different people in the best way, and generally build your social and profession
networks, along with relationships.
Social skills are effectively the usage of empathy to influence others. Were not trying to control other
people here like we do with our own emotions, but simply deal with them and positively influence
them. Social skills consist of seven main areas:
1. Persuasion skills
2. Communication skills
3. Conflict management
4. Leadership
5. Change management
6. Building bonds
7. Teamwork.
The aim is to bring out the best in people, while avoiding negative emotions controlling a situation
and its outcome. Social skills are really where emotional intelligence comes into its own. Aside from
internal peace, happiness, and motivation developed through intrapersonal emotional intelligence,
success in life is a product of interpersonal emotional intelligence; we cannot be truly happy in
ourselves without external relationships building the love in our hearts, and obviously to be
financially successful we must be able to control and build relationships in our professional lives.

How to Manage Other Peoples Emotions

The first step is empathy, which I explained earlier. At this point, you should be focusing on looking
at things from the other persons perspective. Once you understand what they are feeling you should
be able to infer what they want from the situation, or how they want to be treated. If you can
understand how someone wants to be treated, then effectively you have them in the palm of your
hands. To guess how somebody wants to be treated, try putting yourself in their shoes. Think about the
emotions they are feeling as if they were your own emotions, and then ask yourself how you would
want to be treated.
Say you are given the job of giving a warning to a co-worker for a mistake they made such as taking
the day off without notice. You may notice they seem vacant so you infer that they are feeling upset
and stressed about a situation going on at home. Perhaps they missed the day because they had family
issues to deal with?
Once youve done this, put yourself in their shoes; the last thing they want when dealing with a tough
issue at home is to be given a warning that could potentially put their career on the line. You know
you have to deal with them but by understanding what they want you can deal with them in a much
more positive manner now that you understand their situation.
You then subsequently show empathy to them by expressing that you understand if they are in a tough
personal situation at the moment. You go on to explain that you have to give them this warning, but
only because it is part of the rules. You tell them that you understand why they took the day off and the
last thing you want to do is add to their worries. Explain that all they had to do was call in sick and
the issue would have never gone further. Tell them you know how much of a good worker they are
and that you know it was only a one off but in future they do have to contact the office before they do
something like that. Wish them a good day and tell them you hope their issue will be resolved and that
you look forward to seeing them back to their normal, happy self.
What you would have done there is to avoid conflict and influence your co-worker positively, by
empathizing, putting yourself in their shoes and subsequently treating them how you would want to be
treated in a time of distress. This situation can be mimicked in all sorts of environments such as
giving a team talk to an unmotivated team of employees, talking to a friend who has just left a long
term relationship, avoiding conflict with a partner or spouse, etc. etc. You can even turn this situation
around for example when communicating with someone in a higher position than you such as dealing
with an angry boss, at a job interview or meeting one of your idols. Whatever the situation, social
skills have the power to create positive and constructive outcomes, leading to an extraordinary life.
By far the best book I have read on social skills is How to Win Friends and Influence People by
Dale Carnegie. It covers the seven main areas of social skills and goes into detail explaining how to
utilize them in your life. Heres a snippet from the books description on Amazon:

His advice has stood the test of time and will teach you how to:
- make friends quickly and easily
- increase your popularity
- persuade people to follow your way of thinking
- enable you to win new clients and customers
- become a better speaker
- boost enthusiasm among your colleagues
Click here to check it out on Amazon
Conclusion
If you have got this far, I would like to congratulate you on being willing to change yourself for the
better. It is clear that although intelligence can be determined by IQ, success in life depends mainly
your ability to control your own mind and therefore your actions. It is the decisions you make daily,
the actions and reactions you take, and the way you communicate people that count towards success.
If you look at some of the worlds most successful leaders John D Rockefeller, Henry Ford, Steve
Jobs, Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, etc. etc. You will find that more often than not they
were poorly educated academically. You see, as Ive mentioned, theres a huge different between IQ
and EQ, but somehow EQ seems to be the common trend in highly successful leaders and
businessmen. The reason this is, is because all the traits needed to be hugely successful in life are
somehow part of emotional intelligence: self-confidence, motivation, leadership, social skills You
name it, emotional intelligence builds upon all of these priceless characteristics.
The great thing is, all of these traits come from within, meaning they can be learnt and made into
success habits; engrained ideology and mind-set that can kick start your success in all walks of life.
With this book, you have learnt to utilize your emotions internally and externally providing for an
amazing personal and professional life, if you choose to implement it. I urge you to make a habit of
exercising these techniques so they become second nature. Once they are second nature, the
possibilities for your life are limitless. Now go out and try it for yourself!
Thanks again for reading this book, I truly hope you have found some value in it and that the
information can improve your life.
If you enjoyed it, Id highly appreciate it if you could leave some feedback as a review on Amazon.
Whether it be positive or negative, feedback means the book can be updated and improved based on
your requirements.
Click here to leave a review on Amazon!
Thanks!