Stevan Lopes

9730 S. Bluffside Dr.

Sandy, UT 84092
(801) 739-1067

October 17, 2016

Matthew Breen, Deputy Editor

Out Magazine
P.O. Box 241579
Los Angeles, CA 90024

Dear Mr. Breen:

Nothing is more cliche than having a coming out story in a LGTBQ focused
magazine. But I am writing you to propose a personal essay article about my
experiences of coming out of the closet as a homosexual and growing up in the LDS
community in Utah.
Recently in the news the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints issued a
statement condemning homosexuals as apostates of the church if they are to get
married and raise children. With this statement came a lot of questions and doubt within
the community from both people who identify as homosexual and those who dont.
I want to take a look at my own personal experiences growing up in this
community and my own coming out story and how it made me the person I am today.
Reflecting on my own trauma and church life can help give inspiration to many
struggling people who are going through the exact same things that I am.
Not only would I present my personal experiences in the essay, I also want to
explore the option of retaining religion and sexuality. I still consider myself a Mormon
and relate to a lot of the churches teachings. Something that seems impossible now. I
want to shed more light on this idea of being a Mormon Homo and how in my
experiences it can be difficult to still balance my religious life with my sexuality.
There is an entire community of people who are like me, people who identify as
both Mormon and Homosexual and I want to bring attention to something that is out of
the ordinary and few people understand or even know about. I think it would hit home
with a lot of readers who struggle with the same battle of who they are and who they
want to be in both a religious and sexual capacity. Drawing on my experiences can give
a glimpse into this world and hopefully help others understand that there isn't just one
way of leading a homosexual lifestyle nor do you have to give up who you are because
religion has told you to.
My credentials include being a Communications student at the University of Utah.
I also have written several Op-Ed pieces for the Salt Lake Tribune and Huffington Post. I
am an avid reader of Out and The Advocate as well. Thank you for your time and I look
forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

Stevan Lopes
 Im Here, Im Queer, and I Think God Is Ok With It:
Coming Out and The Lesson It Taught Me

The day I became a disappointment to my parents is still fresh in my mind as if it were

yesterday. I was in the 10th grade. Sitting in my AP European History class, barely paying
attention. While my teacher was talking about the French Revolution and Robespierre, I began to
slowly open the door to the closet. I decided it would be a good idea to get it over with through
text (probably not the best way, but it seemed like the right decision at the time). I texted my
mother first since I was much closer to her than my dad.

Me: Mom, we need to talk.

Mom: Of course honey, what about?
Me: Mom, this is really difficult for me.
Mom: What? Stevan Im working. Hurry and tell me.
Me: Mom, you and I both know that Ive always been different.
Mom: Stevan what are you talking about? Why are you texting me? Shouldnt you be
paying attention in class
Me: This is difficult for me to tell you, cant you pay attention? Mom, Im different.
Mom: Ok different how?
Me: You already know, youve probably known for a really long time.
Mom: Known what Stevan?
Me: Mom, Im just different, Im not like other boys my age.
Mom: Stevan, please don't tell me you're gay, I really cant handle this right now.
Me: Im sorry mom, Im gay.

After that I didn't hear from my mother for a solid half hour. I tried to focus on the lesson
and get my mind back onto the French Revolution, but it was completely gone. I had just come
out and there was no going back. I could only imagine the possible outcomes. I would look at my
phone every ten-seconds hoping for a reply from my mother but at the same time dreading the
moment that it would come. I didn't want my family to treat me differently, all I wanted was to
be accepted for who I was and what I felt. That didnt happen. Soon I received a text from my
mother saying she was parked outside my school and that we needed to talk.
I couldn't dare face my mother, the whole reason I had texted her in the first place was to
avoid confrontation. I just wasn't ready to deal with the consequences of my coming out. I
simply told my mother that I wasn't leaving, I was in class and this was more important. She
tired very hard to get me to go and have a conversation with her, she even tried calling me
several times. I just couldn't face her. Finally she gave up and left. I continued through the day as
if everything were normal, but I knew that my entire life had just changed.
I didn't want to go home after the school day was over. I knew what was waiting for me
at home and I didn't have the heart to face it. I tried to linger as long as possible, but finally I had
to leave. I was still attempting to play out every possible outcome in my mind, but every single
one was as horrible as the last. There was no silver lining to this. There was no positive lesson I
could learn. I was royally screwed which ever way I looked at it.
I got home and my mother and father were waiting at for me. I was completely mortified,
I couldn't confront both of my parents at the same time. I wasn't mentally prepared for it at all. I
sat down on the couch and they began their long extensive questioning.
My parents didn't seem to accept who I was in any way. We have strict religious and
cultural views and being gay went against every single one of them. The only thing they saw was
me completely throwing my entire future away. I honestly cant recall anything from the moment
I walked into my door after school until I cried myself to sleep that night.
This moment became significant for me because it meant I had to redefine myself. I had
to choose between my sexuality, my family, my culture, and my religion. My family still
struggles with the idea that I like the company of men but I haven't changed who I am as a
person. I still fully believe in my religious LDS views, I still love my family just the same, and I
am still truthful to my sexuality.
This idea might seem baffling to many of you reading this, probably asking yourself the
question, How can you still be religious if the religion you believe in completely rejects you?
This is what I want you to take away from my experiences. Although I came out of the closet and
my world got turned upside down, I still want to remain faithful to who I am as a person. I want
to honor both my religious views and my sexuality, those are the things that define me. I still go
to church, I still participate in religious activities, I still believe in God. I may have a lot of
questions about what it all means but that wont stop me from believing in the things that I know
are true.
I want anyone out there who is reading this article and experiencing something similar, to
listen up. You don't need to fit any mold on either extreme. You don't need to suppress your
sexual identity to remain religious, and you dont need to put on booty shorts and frequent gay
clubs to be true to your identity. Finding a right balance between the two is possible. You just
have to believe that somewhere along the way, there will be an answer waiting for you. Dont
stress about your future but try your hardest to live the life you feel comfortable with, whatever
that entails. Now that I have come out of the closet and I look back at this experience, it has
taught me that everyone is entitled to live life they see fit. Because there certainly is no right way
of doing anything.