BI CHA PIE CHART LP WRITING ONLINE 8

-TRNH V ANH

1.The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail
sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.Summarize the
information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make
comparisons where relevant.
Online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand

These two pie charts depict retail networked shopping sales in travel,
books, clothes, filmm and music in 2003 and 2016 in New Zealand country. Commented [a1]: Film

As can be seen from the charts that travel accounted for the largest Commented [a2]: 2016 , nh my nhm
proportion in 2003 while film and music was the most well-known sector in
2013. Commented [a3]: As can be seen from the charts, travel
.. ( Khng c that sau chart )
Commented [a4]: Most popular sector

In the first pie chart, travel occupied 36% of total online sales which was
the highest category that year in New Zealand. The second biggest Commented [a5]: Em b on ny, tha. V In the first
pie chart tc l nm 2013 v biu ny ch c mt
nc
networked shopping was clothes that made up just under a quarter. Next,
film and music took up 21 % although book comprised 19%. After 10 years Commented [a6]: Phn trm ca film v music khng
lin quan n book. Em ch cn report tun t cc hng
in 2013, film and music increased by 12 % and becames the greatest retail mc l c.
sector in that year. Meanwhile, travel drop to 29% which was turn into Commented [a7]:
the second. Besides, books went up by 3% while clothes declined by 18% Commented [a8]: became
which was the lowest that year. Commented [a9]: B . Xem comment 4

Commented [a10]: Dropped

Commented [a11]: , which turned into the second ,
dng th b ng
Overall: 6.0 -6.5 Phn tch tiu ch im Commented [a12]: in that year

Task response: 6.0-6.5 Report kh y cc thng tin

cn m t trong biu , tuy
nhin mt s chi tit cha c
chnh xc lm . V d on ( Next,
film. and music took up 21%
although book )
-Grammar: 6.0 -6.5 Bi vit c s kt hp gia cu
n v cu phc. Tuy nhin sai
mt s li v th v th, cch dng
mt s t ni . Khc phc im
ny, bi vit c th t 7.0 tiu
ch ng php
-Cohesion : 6.0 T chc thng tin, cc on, cc
trong on tng i r rang.
Ngi chm bi hiu c s lin
kt hay chuyn gia cc cu vi
nhau. Tuy nhin yu t lin kt
gia cc cha cao. Mt s ch
cn din t sai, dng cha chun
cc t ni nn gy kh hiu cho
ngi chm.
-Vocabs: 6.0 -6.5 Vn t kh phong ph, khng lp
t . Tuy nhin mc cc li v
spelling ( filmm ), collocation (
well-known sector )
- PHAN NGC HN

The pie charts illustrate the online shopping sales for retail sectors in four
categories in New Zealand in the year of 2003 and 2013. It can be seen that
clothes and travel decreased in 10 years, also books and film/music increased
at the same period time.
Commented [a13]: on ny lp li ging nh . Tuy
xt c cu , em paraphrase nhng s lp li ny vn b
tr mt t im
Commented [a14]: over
Commented [a15]: While. Hai tng phn nhau, em
s dng t ni while. Pha trc while c du phy

In the year 2003, the online travel made up mostly, approximately one-third Commented [a16]: Made up the highest
propotion/percentage at 25%. Mostly khng t cui
per cent. Books had the least figures, about 20 per cent. The second and third cu, thng t trc mt danh t
sales was clothes and film/musics. After 10 years, online clothes was sold
lastly, nearly 16 per cent. And the most online sales was film and musics,
Commented [a17]: Phn trm ca biu pie chart
made up about 33 per cent. Travel online sales decreased to the second khc vi phn trm ca biu ng v ct l con s c
position, account for under 30 per cent but the online sales of books went th , khng phi c chng, khong nn khng dung
cc trng t ch c lng . Li ny b tr im nng. Em
down to over 20 per cent in that year. lin tc lp li li ny nhng cu sau.
Commented [a18]: Cu s 1 v cu s 2 ca on body
Overall, from the year 2003 to the year 2013, in New Zealand, online books thiu t ni . V hai s liu cu 1 v cu 2 tng phn
were sold mostly and the last belonged to clothes nhau, em c th dung t ni In contrast
Commented [a19]: Xem comment 14
Commented [a20]: Xem comment 15

Overall: 4.5 - 5.0 Phn tch tiu ch im Commented [a21]: Accounting for

Commented [a22]: But l lin t, ni hai tng phn

Overview cha r rng, cha tot vi nhau. Hai trong cu ny, u din t vic gim nn
khng but c.
Task response: 4.5 ln c xu hng chung ca 2
ng hnh trn

c gng miu t chi tit s liu

nhng thiu chnh xc . M t s
liu ri rc, hu nh ch lit k,
report s liu, ch khng so snh
cc s liu

-Grammar: 4.0-4.5 S dng hu ht cc cu n

Nhiu cu khng s dng t ni

-Cohesion : 4.5-5.0 lin kt cc vi nhau ( V d
cu s 2 v cu s 3 )

Bi vit ch yu l miu t cc s
liu, hu nh khng so snh s
liu

Nhm , t chc cc s liu

report cn ri, thiu logic, thiu
chnh xc . V d : so snh travel
vi books

S dng sai cc trng t ch c

-Vocabs: 4.5 -5.0
lng . Li ny lin tc lp li. Lu
l vi biu hnh trn v bng
biu, s liu khng trong
khong c chng, m l mt con
s c th nn khng dung cc
trng t ch c lng nh trong
Line graph hay Bar Chart

-PHAN TH CHUNG

These provided two pie charts illustrate the information of four

categories on retail online sales channel in New Zealand in 2003
and 2013.As can be seen, travelling was the most popular section
in 2003 while film/music occupied for the greatest proportion in Commented [a23]: , while ( du phy trc while )

2013.

Its clear that travelling was the highest online sales sector in 2003
which accounted for 30% of total sale, while travelling was no Commented [a24]: Dng however xui tai hn l while

longer among the most preferred things in 2013 with 29% decrease
and stood the second position in this year. The second section in
clothing which was around 24% in 2003 had dropped to 8% and
reached at 16% at the least percentage of the year 2013.
Commented [a25]: stood at the second .
Commented [a26]: Phn trm ca biu pie chart
khc vi phn trm ca biu ng v ct l con s c
th , khng phi c chng, khong nn nn khng
dung cc trng t ch c lng
Commented [a27]: B at sau 16 % nh , them du gch
ngang sau 16 % - the least .
In contrast, there was an increasing trend in film/music and book
of sale retail online from 2003 to 2013. The total amount of
film/music and book in 2003 was 21% and 19% respectively.
However, film/music became the highest percentage of online
retail sales in 2013 with 33% of total amount. And online sale for
book increased at 22%.
In conclusion, travelling and clothing decreased while the sale
volume in film/music and books increased from 2003 to 2013.
Commented [a28]: Figures . V the amount of ch i vi
N khng m c , nn chn figures cho an ton .
Dng t ni However khng chnh xc. However dng
ni 2 tng phn nhau. Cu trc however v cu sau
however khng tng phn
Cu th nht , cu th hai, cu th ba t In contrast ni
dung khng khc nhau l my.C th gp trong 1 -2 cu.
Em vit di m li lp
Commented [a29]: Sales volume of . Ngoi ra kt lun b
lp Overview

Overall: 6.0 Phn tch tiu ch im

Task response: 6.0
M t s liu kh y , r rng,
bit cch t chc s liu v so
snh chng vi nhau. Tuy nhin ,
trong qu trnh miu t, c sai
mt s thng tin. V d dung
trng t ch c lng khi miu
t s liu ca clothing

Bi vit c s kt hp gia cu
-Grammar: 5.5-6.0 n v cu phc. Tuy nhin sai
mt s li v t ni , du cu

Bi vit s dng cha hp l cc

-Cohesion : 5.0 t ni , nn nh hng n s
mch lc, r rng trong vic miu
t s liu . Xem phn tch
comment

Nhiu cu trong bi vit di

nhng thc ra ch c mt , khin
bi vit b dng di, lan man,
khng ng trng tm . Xem phn
 tch comment

T vng kh tt. Mt s t cu
-Vocabs: 6.5 trc kh hay. V d: occupied for
the greatest proportion. Tuy
nhin b sai mt s li lt vt nn
ch dng li mc 6.5