CHESTER AND HOGAN, CIGARETTES AND BOOOMERANGS

(Live Action Sitcom)

"Pilot" (a.k.a. "The Maki-Sakis")

by

Rodney Ohebsion
EXT.STREET-DAY

CHESTER(30)pushesacartdownthesidewalkora
residentialareaacoupleofblocksfromabusyLosAngeles
street.HOGAN(30)walksnexttoChester.

HOGAN
Yo,man.Iwasjustthinking.You
paymetwodollarsandeightcents
anhourasyourassistant.

CHESTER
Yeah.So?

HOGAN
SoIgotbillstopay,Chester.
CanIgetaraiseto,like,
minimumwage?

CHESTER
Well.Thethingis,eventhough
you'remyemployee,youdon't
reallydoanythingformycompany.
AllyoudoisrepeatwhatIsay,
andoccasionallyreadcigarette
laws.

HOGAN
That'strue.AllIdoisrepeat
whatyousay,andoccasionally
readcigarettelaws.That'smy
job.

CHESTER
Right.

HOGAN
Right.

HoganspotsCHLOE(25)standingacrossthestreet.

HOGAN(CONT'D)
(toChester)
Yo.Checkoutthatbitchover
there.I'mgonnagohollerather.

CHESTER
Okay.Buthurryup.Wegotalot
ofworktodo.

HOGAN
That'sright.Wegotalotofwork
todo.

HogancrossesthestreetandwalksuptoChloe.
 2.

HOGAN(CONT'D)
Hey,baby.Ilikethewayyourass
looksinthoseshorts.

CHLOE
Hogan?

HOGAN
Yeah.DoIknowyou?

CHLOE
Uh.Yeah.It'sme.Chloe.Your
secondcousin.

HOGAN
Oh.Well.Yeah.Um.Youknow.
Secondcousinsaren'tactual
cousins.Secondcousinisjust
someterminologythat'soneof
themidiomaticallyexpressional
thingies.

CHLOE
Secondcousinisanexpression
thatmeanstwopeoplearesecond
cousins.

HOGAN
Whatever.Thepointis,Ilikethe
wayyourasslooksinthose
shorts.So,like,Iwasthinking.
Weshouldhangouttoday.Like,in
myapartment,whereIgotaqueen
sizedbedandabottleofSmirnoff
vodka.

CHLOE
Wow.Thatsoundsgreat.Youknow
what?Justgivemeyour
number--andifI'meverinthe
moodtohaveanincestuous
relationshipwithmysecond
cousin,I'llgiveyouacall.

HOGAN
Oh.Word.OK....Sowhyaren't
youtakingoutyourcellphone?

CHLOE
What?

HOGAN
Howelseareyougonnagetmy
number?
 3.

CHLOE
Iwasbeingsarcastic,Hogan.

HOGAN
WhyyoukeeponspeakingFrench,
Chloe?Incestuous.Sarcastic.I
don'tknowwhatthehellthose
wordsmean.

CHLOE
ItmeansI'mnotinterestedin
havingsexwithmysecondcousin.

HOGAN
Like,youknow.Peoplehavesex
withtheirsecondcousinsallthe
timein,like,Croatia,and
Listerine-ia,andAlabama.

CHLOE
(veryloudly)
I'mnotgonnahavesexwithmy
secondcousin!

Shewalksaway.

HoganwalksbacktoChester.

CHESTER
Sohowdiditgo?

HOGAN
Good.Igotherdigitsand
everything.

CHESTER
Really?Becauseitkindofsounded
likesheyelled,"I'mnotgonna
havesexwithmysecondcousin."

HOGAN
Well.Whatever.She'sprobablya
lesbian,anyways.But,yeah.I'm
stillgonnatrytohookupwith
her.

AMAN(40)approachesthem.Hetakesacloselookatthe
cart,whichsays"IceCream"onit,buthascigarettesand
boomerangsanddisplay.TheManseemsconfused.

MAN
Doyou,uh,haveicecream
sandwiches?
 4.

CHESTER
Bro.Thisisn'tanicecreamcart.

HOGAN
(toMan)
Yeah!Thiscartdoesn'thaveice
cream,bro!

MAN
ThenwhydoesitsayIceCreamon
it?

CHESTER
'CauseIboughtitfromsomedude
whousedtosellicecream.ButI
usethiscarttosellstuffthat's
betterthanicecream.

MAN
Whatdoyousell?

CHESTER
Cigarettesandboomerangs.

HOGAN
Wesellcigarettes.Andalso
boomerangs.

MAN
That'sgreat.That'safantastic
business.Igottago.

TheManwalksaway.

ChesterandHoganstartsmoking.

Secondslater,MAN2(30)walksuptothem.

MAN2
Doyouhavetosmokehere?

CHESTER
Hogan.Goaheadandtellthisguy
thestatelaw.

HOGAN
(toMan2)
Listen,bro.
(readsoffofhis
iPhone)
Thestatelawsaysyoucansmoke
outside,aslongasyou'renot
withintwentyfivefeetofa
buildingentrance.
(MORE)
 5.

HOGAN(CONT'D)
Italsosaysthatsmokingis
permittedduringatheatrical
performanceifthesmokingis
integraltotheshow'splot.

MAN2
Wellguesswhat,butthead?This
isn'tatheatricalperformance.

HOGAN
Youguesswhat,homey.Oursmoking
isintegral.Andit'snotwithin
twentyfeetofnobuilding
entrance.

Man2walksaway.

HOGAN(CONT'D)
Dudecalledmeabutthead.

CHESTER
That'seitheracigarettepun,or
hethinkshe'sBiffTannen.

CARL(30,Chester'stwinbrother)walksuptothem.

HOGAN
Whatup,Carl?

CARL
Hey,Hogan.

HOGAN
WestLAHigh!We'reall
representingouthere!Classof
TwoThousandFive,baby!

CARL
Ithoughyoudidn'tgraduatefrom
highschool.

HOGAN
Youdon'thavetograduatein
ordertobepartofaclass.When
peoplesayClassofTwoThousand
Five,that'saterminologythat's,
like,oneofthoseidiomatically
expressionalthingies.

CARL
Right.
(takesapackofCamels
fromChester'scart)
LetmegetthispackofCamels.
 6.

HehandsChesterahundreddollarbill.

CHESTER
Idon'thavechangeforahundred.
I'mnotBillGates.

HOGAN
Yeah.Chesterain'tBillGates.
PreparingtoconfigureWindows.
YouknowwhatI'msaying?

CARL
Absolutelynot.
(takesthebillback
fromChester)
I'llpayyouthesevendollars
tomorrow.

CHESTER
You'renotgonnastiffme--are
you?

CARL
No,Chester.I'mnotgonnastiff
mytwinbrotherforsevendollars.

HOGAN
Hey.Sevendollarsisalotof
money.Especiallyin,like,
Croatia,orListerine-ia.

CARL
Well.ThisisLosAngeles.It's
notEasternEuropeormouthwash.
SevendollarsisnothinginLA.

HOGAN
Sayswho?Imaketwodollarsand
eightcentsanhour.

CARL
Well.Imaketwohundreddollars
andeightcentsanhour.

HOGAN
Word?AreyouoneofthemCirque
deSoleilperformers?

CARL
I'madoctor.Asin,thedoctor
whogaveyouacheckuptwoweeks
ago.
 7.

HOGAN
Right.Yeah.Obamacare.Ivoted
forObama.

Carlwalksaway.

ThreeCULTMEMBERS(male,25-35,dressedinrobes)walkup
toHoganandChester.Theytrytohandsunflowerstothem.

CULTMEMBER1
Hello.Pleaseacceptthese
sunflowersonbehalfofthe
Maki-Sakis.

Chesterrefusesthesunflower.

Hogantakesasunflower.

HOGAN
WhatthehellisaMaki-Saki?

CULTMEMBER2
Weareagroupofindividualswho
promotepeaceandenlightenment.

HOGAN
Word?Well,doy'allwanttobuy
somecigarettesandboomerangs?

CULTMEMBER1
Nothankyou,myfriend.Wehave
nouseforboomerangsor
cigarettes.Yousee,webelievein
inhalingairinsteadoftobacco,
andwebelieveinbeingnonviolent
insteadofattackingpeoplewith
boomerangs.

CHESTER
Hogan--Ithinkyoushouldgive
theseguysbacktheirsunflower.

CULTMEMBER3
(toHogan)
Pleasekeepthesunflower,Hogan.
Andtryinhalingairwithus.You
see,youinhale.Likethis.

Heloudlyinhales.

HOGAN
Oh.Word?
(loudlyinhales)
OK.AndnowwhatdoIdo?
 8.

CULTMEMBER2
Youexhale.Likethis.

Heloudlyexhales.

HOGAN
Straightup.Like,um...

Heloudlyexhales.

CULTMEMBER1
Verygood.

HOGAN
YoChester.Yougottatrythis
inhalingandexhalingstuff.It's
dope.

CHESTER
It'snotdope.It'sstupid.

HOGAN
(toCultMembers)
Yeah.It'sstupid.

CULTMEMBER1
It'snotstupid.

HOGAN
Oh.Um.Chester.Thesedudessay
it'snotstupid.

CHESTER
Well.They'reidiots.

HOGAN
(toCultMembers)
Yoududesareidiots.

CULTMEMBER2
We'renotidiots.

HOGAN
(toChester)
Theysaythey'renotidiots.

CHESTER
Dude.Hogan.They'reacult.They
justwantyoutorepeatwhatever
theysay.

HOGAN
(toCultMembers)
Yeah.Youjustwantmetorepeat
whateveryousay.
 9.

CULTMEMBER1
Actually.Ithinkitis
(referringtoChester)
thisgentlemanherewhohasyou
repeatingwhateverhesays.

HOGAN
(toChester)
That'strue,man.Wheneveryousay
stuff,Irepeatit.Atwork,and
evenoutsideofwork.That's,
like,our...MO.

CHESTER
Ourwhat?

HOGAN
OurMO.Youknow.OurMadeaOprah
Winfrey.Asin,like,it'swhatwe
usuallydo.Like,yousaystuff,
andI,like--Ialsosaythat
stuff.SometimesIevensayit
Jamaican.

CHESTER
Youmeanyousmokeganjawhileyou
sayit?

HOGAN
No,dude.TheotherJamaican.The
onethatmeans,like,Isaythe
samethingyousay.

CULTMEMBER1
Um.Ibelievethewordyou're
lookingforisverbatim.

HOGAN
Yeah.That,too.
(toChester)
AlotoftimesIsaythesame
stuffyousay--bothJamaicanand
verbatim.

CHESTER
Yeah.So?

HOGAN
(toCultMember1)
Yeah.So?

CULTMEMBER1
Somaybethatmeanshe'stheone
who'srunningacult.
 10.

HOGAN
(toChester)
Yeah.Maybethatmeansyou'rethe
onewho'srunningacult.And,
like,theChoco-Tacosoverhere
areenlighteningme.

CULTMEMBER3
Right.Exceptwe'rethe
Maki-Sakis--nottheChoco-Tacos.

HOGAN
Yeah.
(toChester)
MaybetheMaki-Sakisarethe
non-cult,andyou,Chester,are
thecult.

CHESTER
HowthehellamIacult,Hogan?
I'mnot,like,wearingarobe.
Plus,cultsbelieveinpeace.I
sellboomerangs.

HOGAN
(toCultMembers)
Yeah.Howthehellisheacult?

CULTMEMBER1
Because.Hetriestobrainwashyou
withhiscultteachings.

HOGAN
(toChester)
Because.Youtrytobrainwashme
withyourcultteachings.That's
foul,homey.You'reacult.I'm
gonnachillwithmynewfriends.
(toCultMembers)
Let'sgo,guys.

CULTMEMBER1
Verywell.Let'sgo.

HOGAN
Peaceout,Chester!

CULTMEMBER3
(toChester)
Indeed.Peaceout,Chester.Weare
acommunityofpeacepromotersAnd
ifyoueverwanttojoinus,
just...
 11.

CHESTER
Getthehellawayfromme!

EXT.STREET-DAY

(Earlythenextday)

Chesterispushinghiscart.Carlwalksuptohimwhile
smokingacigarette.

CARL
Hey.
(HandsChestermoney)
Here'sthesevendollarsI
borrowedfromyouyesterday.

CHESTER
Oh.Cool.Yeah.So,doyouwant
anotherpackofCamels?

CARL
No.I'mstillworkingonthis
pack.

CHESTER
Yeah.Youknow,it'ssmarthowyou
smokeoutherebeforeyougoto
work,sinceyoucan'tsmokewhen
you'reatwork.

CARL
Well.Iguessifthere'sasmart
waytosmoke,thisisit.

CHESTER
Youknowwhatwouldbeeven
smarter?

CARL
Quittingsmoking?

CHESTER
No.Quittingyourjob.Andyou
knowwhatwouldbesmarterthan
that?

CARL
Nottalkingtoyou?

CHESTER
Gettingajobwhereyougetpaid
tosmoke.
 12.

CARL
Mmhm.Veryinteresting.Bythe
way--where'sHogan?

CHESTER
Hogan?!Hogan?!Dude--areyou
talkingaboutthatmarkassbitch
Hogan?!

CARL
Uh.Yeah.

CHESTER
Bro--Hoganisnolongerworking
fortheCCBCCCC.

CARL
TheCCBCCCC?

CHESTER
TheChesterCalifornianBoomerang
CorporationandCigarette
CorporationofCalifornia.

CARL
Right.Yeah.That'swhatIthought
itwas.So,uh,IguessHogangot
ajobsomewhereelse.

CHESTER
No.Hejoinedacult.

CARL
Yeah.Thatwasgonnabemysecond
guess.Well.Igottago.Later.

CHESTER
Later,bro.

Carlleaves.Later,aMOTHER(40)andherSON(8)walkup
toChesterandhiscart.

BOY
CanIhaveaFudgesicle?

CHESTER
Idon'tsellFudgesicles.

BOY
Um.Howaboutanicecream
sandwich?
 13.

CHESTER
Dude.Idon'tsellicecream.I
sellcigarettesandboomerangs.
Howmanydoyouwant?

BOY
Um.Twocigarettesandone
boomerang.

CHESTER
OK.That'llbefifteendollars.

MOTHER
Um.Youcan'tsellcigarettesand
boomerangstominors.

CHESTER
SureIcan.
(lookstoside)
Hogan--tellherthelaw.Oh.Wait.
Yeah.
(ToMother)
Hogandoesn'tworkformeanymore.
He'sinacult.But,yeah.Thelaw
saysthatIcansellcigarettes
andboomerangstominors,aslong
asthey'reaccompaniedbyaparent
orguardian.

MOTHER
Well.Iamtheparentorguardian,
andIdon'twantyouselling
tobaccoandweaponstomyson.

CHESTER
Fine.HowaboutIsellsome
feminineproductstoyou?You
soundlikeyoucoulduseasix
packofMidol.

MOTHER
Howdareyou!

Sheslapshim.

Theywalkaway.

HoganandtheCultMembersarewalkingtowardsChester.
HoganisnowwearingarobeliketherestoftheCult
Members.

CHESTER
Well.Ifitisn'tthe
Shucky-Duckies.
 14.

HOGAN
Dude.We'retheLaughy-Taffies.

CULTMEMBER1
No,Hogan.WearetheMaki-Sakis.

HOGAN
(toChester)
Yeah.We'retheMaki-Sakis.So,
like,
(offersChestera
Sunflower)
pleaseacceptthissunfloweron
behalfoftheWalkie-Talkies.

CHESTER
Dude.You'reinacult.

HOGAN
You'reinacult.You'reinyour
owncult.

CHESTER
IfI'minacult,thenhowcome
you'retheonewho'swearinga
cultyrobe?

HOGAN
Because,like,um...
(turnstoCultMembers)
...howcomeI'mtheonewearinga
cultyrobe?

CULTMEMBER3
Arobeisarobe.Butaheartisa
heart.Ifoneispureinthe
heart,itmattersnotwhatone
wearsoutsideoftheheart.

HOGAN
Yeah.
(toChester)
Whathesaid,bro.

CHESTER
He'sacultmemberwhodoesn't
knowhisheadfromhisass!

HOGAN
(toCultMember3)
Dude.You'reacultmemberwho
doesn'tknowhisheadfromhis
ass.
 15.

CULTMEMBER1
Hogan.Wetalkedaboutthis.You
shouldnotfollowtheteachingsof
ChestertheCigaretteand
BoomerangVendor.Donotallowhim
tohaveaholdoveryourmind.
Afterall,heisatotalgaylord.

HOGAN
Right.Yeah.Wordup.

CHESTER
(toCultMember1)
Holdthephone.Didyoujustrefer
tomeasatotalgaylord?

CULTMEMBER2
Please,Chester.Donottakethat
thewrongway.Inourgroup,the
termtotalgaylordisnota
homophobicslur.

CHESTER
Thenwhatisit?

CULTMEMBER3
Whenwesaytotalgaylord,weuse
itinamannersimilartotheway
Christiansrefertosomeoneasthe
anti-Christ.

CHESTER
Waitasecond.I'mtheanti-Christ
ofyourreligion?

CULTMEMBER1
No.Donotberidiculous.Wearea
spiritualmovement.Wearenota
religion.Youaretheanti-Christ
ofourspiritualmovement.

HOGAN
(toChester)
Yeah.It'saspiritualmovement.
That'swhyIgavethemallmy
money.Ispirituallymovedmy
moneyfrommypocketstotheir
pockets.Nowwillyouplease
acceptthissunfloweronbehalfof
theTightyWhities?

CHESTER
Dude.I'mnotgonnaaccepta
sunfloweronbehalfofacultthat
callsmetheanti-Christ.
 16.

HOGAN
It'snotacult.You'reacult.
(toCultMembers)
Let'sgo,fellas.
(toChester)
Peaceout,Chester.

CULTMEMBER1
(toChester)
Indeed.Peaceout,Chester.Weare
amovementofpeace.

CHESTER
Great.Whydon'tyoukissapiece
ofmyass?

HOGAN
You'repreachingthewrongkindof
stuff,Chester.
(toCultMembers)
Right,fellas?

CULTMEMBER3
Indeed.

HOGAN
Yeah.
(toChester)
Indeed.Peaceout,Chester.

CULTMEMBER1
Indeed.
(toChester)
Peaceout,Chester.

Hewalksaway.

CULTMEMBER2
Indeed.
(toChester)
Peaceout,Chester.

HefollowsCultMember1.

CULTMEMBER3
Indeed.
(toChester)
Peaceout,Chester.

HefollowsCultMember2.

HOGAN
Indeed.
(toChester)
Peaceout,Chester.
 17.

HefollowsCultMember3.

CHESTER
(tohimself)
Freakingbuttheads.

ChesterspotsTAICHITONY(50,hippie)doingTaiChion
thesidewalk.

CHESTER(CONT'D)
TaiChiTony.

TAICHITONY
Hello,Chester.Howareyou?

CHESTER
I'mchilling.Whatareyoudoing?

TAICHITONY
I'mjust,uh,doingsomeTaiChi.
LikeIalwaysdo.Hencethename
TaiChiTony.

CHESTER
Oh.Letmeaskyousomething.
Like,youknowmyassistantHogan?

TAICHITONY
Certainly.He'stheguywhothinks
theterm"secondcousin"isjust
anexpression.

CHESTER
Well.Yeah.Like,hejoineda
cult.Somesunflowergroupcalled
theOky-Dokies.

TAICHITONY
Ibelieveyouarereferringtothe
Maki-Sakis.

CHESTER
Right.Like,thoseguys--theygot
aholdofHogan'sbrain.Hekeeps
onrepeatingwhattheytellhim.

TAICHITONY
Isee.Andyouwanthimtostop
beingaparrot.
 18.

CHESTER
No.Iwanthimtobeaparrotwho
repeatswhatIsay,insteadofa
parrotwhorepeatswhatthe
Hockey-Jockeyssay.Bytheway--do
youwantanyboomerangsor
cigarettes?

TAICHITONY
Uh.Nothanks.But,um,ifyou
wantHogantoleavethe
Maki-Sakis,youhavetopresent
thatgrouptohiminanewlight.

CHESTER
Like,aflashlight?

TAICHITONY
PresenttheMaki-SakistoHogan
fromanewangle.That'soneway
togetsomeoneoutofacult.

EXT.STREET-DAY

(NextDay)

Chesterispushinghiscart.JOE(30,black,nerdy)is
standingnexttohim.

CHESTER
OK,Urkel.Nowthatyou'remy
assistant,letmefamiliarizeyou
withwhatwesell.

JOE
StopcallingmeUrkel.Mynameis
Joe.

CHESTER
Butyou'reblackandnerdy--so
it'seasierformetojustcall
youUrkel.Bytheway--asmy
assistant,youneedtorepeatwhat
Isay,like,ninetypercentofthe
time.Andyouneedtobeanexpert
onsmokinglaws.Also,I'mgonna
payyoutwodollarsandeight
centsanhour.OK,Urkel?

JOE
I'mnotUrkel!Idon'thaveto
takethis.I'mgoinghome.

Hewalksaway.
 19.

Later,MAN3(35)walksuptoChester.

MAN3
Uh.Doyouhaveanyicecream
sandwiches?

CHESTER
HowcomepeoplekeeponthinkingI
sellicecream?
(lookstoside)
Hogan--tellthisdudewhatwe
sell.Oh--um...
(toMan3)
Hogandoesn'tworkhereanymore.
Hejoinedacult.But,like,I
don'thaveanybitchassicecream
here.Doyousmoke?

MAN3
Well.Imean,I'mtryingtoquit.

CHESTER
I'mtryingtomakeyounotquit.
Buysomecigarettes,andalsoa
boomerang.

MAN3
Hm.Well.I'lltakeapackof
MarlboroLights,and,um,Iguess
oneboomerang.

CHESTER
(handsMan3aboomerang
andapackofMarlboros)
That'llbetwentydollars,bro.

Man3paysChester.

CHESTER(CONT'D)
Thankyou.Haveaniceday.

MAN3
You,too.
(pointtosomewhereoff
camera)
Look--agroupofkangaroos.I'm
gonnausemyboomerangonthem.

Hewalksoffcamera.

HoganandtheCultMembersapproachChesterfromthe
oppositedirection.

HOGAN
Goodday,Chester.
 20.

CHESTER
Whatever.

HOGAN
(offersChestera
sunflower)
Willyoupleaseacceptthis
sunfloweronbehalfof,um,like,
the,um...

CULTMEMBER2
TheMaki-Sakis.

HOGAN
Yeah.

CHESTER
Listen,Hogan.Look.

Hetakesaflashlightoutofhiscart,andshinesthelight
attheCultMembers.

HOGAN
Whatthehellareyoudoing,
Chester?

CHESTER
I'm,like,presentingthisgroup
inanewlight.Imean,like,
listen.Thesedudesareeven
crazierthantheTomCruisecult
wheretheytellyouthatyour
UncleisfromNeptune.

CULTMEMBER1
Hogan.Chesterisattemptingto
fillyourheadupwithhisgaylord
ideology.

HOGAN
(toChester)
Yeah.Youbettershutyourmouth
withthatgaylordideology.

CHESTER
Dude.Like.Um.Youknow.Letme
askyousomething.Youwantto
havesexwithyoursecondcousin.
Right?

HOGAN
Hellyeah,homey!Andnotjust
Chloe.Alsomysecondcousin
Cecilia.
 21.

CHESTER
Well.Thethingis.I'llbetthese
sunflowerdudes--I'llbetthey
don'twantyoutohavesexwith
anyofyoursecondcousins.

HOGAN
Waitasecond.
(toCultMembers)
Youguysdon'twantmetohavesex
withanyofmysecondcousins?

CULTMEMBER1
Well.Um.Imean,wewouldn't
recommendit.

HOGAN
Holdthephonehere.That'scrazy
talk.Howcouldyounotrecommend
meboningChloe?Imean,comeon
bro.

CHESTER
(toCultMembers)
Seriously.Comeon,bro.

HOGAN
(toCultMembers)
Yeah.It'sjustlikeChestersaid.
Comeon,bro.

CHESTER
Yeah.

HOGAN
Yeah.

CULTMEMBER3
Hogan.Chesteriscorruptingyour
mind.

HOGAN
Nohe'snot.Afterall--Chester
wantsmetokeeptryingtohave
sexwithChloe.Right,Chester?

CHESTER
Um.Absolutely.ChloeandCecilia.

HOGAN
Yeah.Absolutely.Chloeand
Cecilia.
 22.

CHESTER
And,like,you'renotgonnapick
upanybitcheswearingthatrobe
ofyours.

HOGAN
Yeah.Straightup.I'mdonewith
thisrobe.Iain'tgonnapickup
nobitcheswiththisrobe.Except
forbitcheswhoareintodudeswho
wearthisrobe.AndI'mpretty
surethatthat's,like,um,one
percentoftheoverallbitch
population.Idon'tlikethemaths
onthatequation.

Hetakesoffhisrobe.

CULTMEMBER2
Hogan.Youneedtolookatthe
sunflower,and...

HOGAN
Yo--youbetterstopspoutingthat
sunflowerstufftome.

CHESTER
Sunflowersarestupid.

HOGAN
Yeah.Sunflowersarestupid.
(ToCultMembers)
Youbestbackupoffme,beforeI
getghettoonyourasses.
Chester--givemeaboomerang.

ChesterhandsHoganaboomerang.

Hoganholdstheboomerangmenacinglyashelooksatthe
CultMembers.

HOGAN(CONT'D)
Breakyourself,homey.

CULTMEMBER2
Fine.OK.Weshallmakeourleave,
Hogan.Butletmejustsaythis.

CHESTER
Letmejustsaythis.I'mfromthe
schoolofspeaksoftlyandcarry
anAustralianboomerang.
 23.

HOGAN
(toCultMembers)
Yeah.That'sourschool.Ialways
speaksoftly!Allthetime!

CULTMEMBER2
Fine.Goodday.

Theywalkaway.

HOGAN
Dudeistalkingaboutgoodday.

CHESTER
Thoseguysaretripping.

HOGAN
Nodoubt.Tripping.

SANDY(30)approachesChester.

SANDY
Chester.

CHESTER
Oh.Hey,Sandy

SANDY
HaveyoubeensellingCarl
cigarettes?

CHESTER
Nodoubt.Isoldhimapackof
Camelsforsevendollars.

SANDY
I'mtryingtogethimtostop
smoking!

CHESTER
Listen.Dowhatthecountrysong
says.Standbyyourman.Yourman
isCarl.Ifhesmokes,youstand
byhim.

HOGAN
Yeah!Standbyyourman!

SANDY
Mymanisadoctor!

CHESTER
And?
 24.

SANDY
Doctorsarethelastgroupof
peoplewhoshouldbesmoking.

CHESTER
Sandy.Yousoundasstupidas
Hoganrightnow.

HOGAN
(toSandy)
Wordup.Yousoundasstupidasme
rightnow.

SANDY
No.Inordertosoundasstupidas
you,I'dhavetobeahighschool
dropoutwhosaysClassofTwo
ThousandFive.Listen.Youguys
betterstopsellingmyhusband
cigarettes.

CHESTER
Hogan--tellheraboutthelawthat
givesustherighttosell
cigarettes.

HOGAN
Listen,Sandy.Thelawsays...

SANDY
Idon'tcarewhatthelawsays!
YoukeepyourCamelsandyour
boomerangsawayfromCarl.

Shewalksaway.

CHESTER
Man.PeopleinLAareoutoftheir
damnminds.

HOGAN
Nodoubt,homey.Wegottamoveto,
like,Listerine-ia,wherethe
cultureismore
cigarette-oriented.

CHESTER
WherethehellisListerine-ia?

HOGAN
It'sin,um,Asia.Theysmokeall
thetimeinAsia.Plus,theydon't
gotsomeYippie-SkippySunflower
cultwalkingthestreets.
 25.

CHESTER
Excellentpoint.

HOGAN
Yeah.Excellentpoint....Dude.
(pointstothesky)
Checkitout.Arainbow.

CHESTER
That'snotarainbow.

HOGAN
Butit'sgotmultiplecolors.It's
gotblue,andwhite,andyellow.

Thecamerarevealsaskywithnorainbow.

CHESTER
That'sthebluesky,thewhite
clouds,andtheyellowsun.A
rainbowis,like,sevencolors.
Notthree.

HOGAN
Well.It'sthreeoutofseven.
That'salot.Imean,like,when
LeBronshootsthreeforsevenin
onequarter,he'stheMVP.

CHESTER
Well.Yeah.Iguess....Wait.
Whatthehellareyoutalking
about,bro?

HOGAN
I'mtalkingaboutmaths.Threefor
sevenisafraction.Ilearned
thatathighschool.

CHESTER
Youmeantheplacewhereyou
didn'tgraduate?

HOGAN
Exactly!ClassofTwoThousand
Five,baby!Ididn'tgraduatefrom
nodamnhighschool.Justlike
BillGates.Degreesdon'tmean
shit.Youdon'tgottohavea
degreetobeaballer.
 26.

CHESTER
Yeah.LikeBillGates,who'sworth
ahundredbilliondollars,and
you,aguywhomakestwodollars
andeightcentsanhour.

HOGAN
Exactly.

Thetwoofthemstartsmokingcigarettes.

THEEND