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Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

COURSE
Introduction: The Narcissistic Abuse Victim Syndrome (NAVS) Recovery project is the result of one
individuals journey from being in total despair after years of narcissistic abuse and losing everything
- to becoming a strong, dedicated and happy person, taking control of their life again. This course
is a collaboration between me, Leyla Loric, and Richard Grannon, the Spartan Life Coach, to create
a concise and hands-on course that is easy to follow and with methods that are proven to work.
This course can be used as an emergency-kit but it is also a long-term manual and support that you
can come back to at any time in the future and through different moments of your healing process.
It is well thought through to provide an easily read two-step process on healing which saves the
victim much of their already depleted energy.
The course is divided into two main parts; The educational part that is crucial and a major part of
being able to heal, it uses a different approach that focuses on information about the victim, instead
of using the more common focus on the narcissist. This is done for two reasons; Firstly, by this time,
you as the victim have already read tons of information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder to
define if it fits the abuser in your life. Secondly, many times (unless the victim themselves suffers
long-term psychological problems), one can objectively see when someone has been through an
emotionally abusive relationship only by looking at their emotional state, irrelevant of the specific
individual situation. The anxious, worried and sad person that is in total denial and confusion about
the reality is a typical victim of emotional abuse. The narcissistically abusive person will be the one
that seems to be in control and that has the power. Hence, this victim-approach also validates and
legitimizes the victims fears, through exploring themselves and their own situation. This new
approach seems to be a solid way of framing the victims present reality, which is a crucial step in
healing narcissistic abuse, but it also defines the symptoms and goals that need to be dealt with to
then overcome the syndrome itself.
The practical part of this course contains an organized set of practical tools, which are to be used
continuously during a period of time. One can metaphorically say that it is the actual set of medical
equipment that will repair and heal the wound. The goal of the course is to heal you from the pain
that is caused by narcissistic abuse and to get you back to living your life in a focused and strong
way. Depending on your dedication, this can be done within as much as 7 to 8 weeks. However,
there will be an instant and gradual relief of acute pain, as soon as you engage in the course.

In case you have any questions about this course and its content, please do not hesitate to contact
me on: info@navs-recovery.com typing the title: Course question and I will prioritise to answer
your email.
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Action plan:
Part 1 - Education and Validation
- Exploring the victim of emotional abuse
- What is happening to you and why
- What needs to happen for you to heal

Part 2 Practical tools

- Acute pain /anxiety relief
- Starting the healing process
- Long-term heling and beliefs

EDUCATION AND VALIDATION:

What is happening to me?
If you have decided to buy this course, you have probably reached a situation in your life that has
become filled with pain and confusion. You have maybe identified that a certain person has affected
you and changed you in ways that are out of your normal character. You have become and anxious,
isolated, sad and frustrated shadow of who you used to be. You are desperate for a solution.
The objective of this course is to overcome the trauma of narcissistic abuse, and before we start, I
would like you to understand the ambition behind this goal. In this course, you will be given the
tools and understanding of what you need to do to reach this goal, it is however your dedication
that will lead to results. The material is specifically formed and written for a person in your situation
and should offer a hands-on, straight-forward approach on what to do to make the change happen.
It is at this moment important for you to read and take in these words: The panic that you are feeling
might be overwhelming and it might affect so many parts of your life that it appears as undefinable,
blurry, and hard to pinpoint. The feeling might be so devastating and confusing that you think that
you have lost your mind. So, here is the truth: The panic that you are feeling is because you, either
consciously or unconsciously, think that you are broken for life.
You are not. You just do not have enough information on what is exactly happening to you, because
it is different from anything you have ever experienced. There is information out there on narcissism
and you have probably become a small specialist on the red flags and symptoms of this disorder,
because it has become a rather popular term. Maybe you have joined forums in hope to connect
with someone who has had a similar experience. It is all an attempt to understand what has
happened, your brain needs to define the cause of the pain, so that it can heal and so that it can
never get into the same dangerous situation again. This is also what is stopping you from healing at
the moment, because the wound that is created is of a different kind than normal, and it is caused
from mostly invisible and undefinable sources.
But know this: It is fixable, there is a solution. And we will define it. And the best part of it is that the
solution will make you stronger and healthier than before all this happened to you. Even though
you feel depleted from energy, all you need to do is to complete this course whole heartedly, and
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the pain and confusion will go away. You will feel significantly better. If you use this material
dedicatedly, every day, without fooling yourself, in three to four weeks you will be a strong-
independent- and more than anything free person, on your way to fulfilling your dreams. A person
that at the moment you have difficulties to even imagine.
I will take this opportunity to congratulate you for getting this course and deciding to give yourself
the life that you deserve. This is step one. You taking this decision. Let this be the day that you can
look back on, knowing that it was the day you claimed your life back.
Let us start with defining what Narcissistic Abuse Victim Syndrome is: A person who, as a result of
being in a relationship (family member, boss, friend or partner), has developed some or all of these
symptoms:
- A skewed perception of reality
- Constant worry and anxiety about what will happen next
- Disassociation daydreaming to avoid the reality
- Feeling paranoid
- Hysteria
- In case you are in a romantic relationship - Jealousy
- Insomnia
- Loss of appetite
- Low self-esteem and confidence
- Obsession with the abuser
- Self-neglect
- The need to collect evidence for the abusers behaviour
Depending on at what point in the abusive relationship you are, you might as a part of the self-
neglect, have lost a lot of weight, become obsessed with reading about relationships, lost interest
in your normal hobbies and started isolating yourself at home, to the point where you have become
totally anti-social. Another symptom is to have developed obsessive-compulsive behaviours. Your
normal behaviour is hence significantly different from how you used to be, before you met this
person, and you have become a twitchy, nervous and confused shadow of your former self.
On a biological level, what is happening to you is an emotional dysregulation. This means that you
are in a labile state of mind, which includes black and white thinking and impulses and thoughts that
are out of your normal character. You are hence under a strong emotional stress and this happens
because your body perceives the situation that you are in to be dangerous. It is now receiving a
burst of energy to be able to react to this dangerous situation by a physical fight /flight response.
Involuntary body functions such as heartbeat, breathing and body pressure will increase and hence
prepare your body. Just as if you were attacked physically, or when sat in a frightening rollercoaster,
your body will set of a sequence of processes which will prepare it for trauma. The adrenal glands
in your body will start producing a stress hormone called cortisol, and when the stress continues for
some time it will set off other processes that inform the body that one now is under chronic-stress
and it will keep the body physically revved-up. Another hormone called oxytocin will also be
produced during this time. This hormone has specifically been tied to the feeling of relationship
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anxiety and an increase of it has been associated to amplified memories. Be therefore aware of that
there is a whole process that is physically happening inside of you that explains the way that you
are feeling. There is a reason all of this is happening to you.
One of the frustrating things about this whole situation is that even if you have decided to open up
and speak to someone about how you feel, you might find it quite hard to explain or pinpoint what
the problem is. In case you have gone to a therapist, they might not been able to understand.
Perhaps you have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression or something else, but those are
only symptoms appearing on the surface. Underneath these symptoms is trauma, and even though
it might temporary help to focus on only the symptoms, the main problem will not go away without
one dealing with it.
Besides being misdiagnosed, there is another potential problem when seeking to receive
counselling. A victim of narcissistic abuse is not easily recognized by many psychologists. If the victim
choses to open up about what has happened to a therapist that they thought would help them, and
find out that the therapist do not actually understand this type of abuse and how it is treated, it can
make the victim even sicker. How? Boundaryless compassion can be very dangerous for a person
suffering this type of trauma as the core problem is lacking the ability to grasp reality, having a skew
world view and a general lack of boundaries and morals in their daily life. A victim of narcissistic
abuse need focused support and education in how to heal from this type of specific abuse. The
therapy need firm boundaries, a clear support in facing reality and someone who can confirm what
is right and wrong. Without this, the victim might feel even further isolation and confusion.
I hope that you already feel a little better after reading this part, only by putting words on how you
are feeling. The next step is to look at why you are feeling like this.
Why is everything falling apart?
Looking at my own healing process, I can underline the moment that changed many things. I cannot
say that it took the pain away, put it stopped halting the process of moving forward and letting
myself grief or even be angry, which is the work necessary for the pain to leave. And as I am quite a
stubborn person, I refused to give in to this particular thing, until the last pieces of energy were
depleted. The thing that I am talking about is accepting reality. We will now look at this more closely.
We dont see things as they are, we see them as we are Anais Nin
What is acceptance? The word acceptance comes from the Latin word acquiscere and means to
find rest in. Acceptance is to recognize and assent to the reality of a situation, process or condition
(that is often negative) without protesting or attempting to change it. This acceptance does not
mean that you in any way surrender or consider that the situation is ok. What is important is to
recognize the current situation for what it is. This is an important step in your healing process and
you might find it harder than you think.
You might think that the reason you have the symptoms mentioned above is a proof of that you
must have accepted your situation, and that your grieving process has started. Perhaps. I think that
a good way to explore this is to go inside yourself and search for that, what I call voice of false
hope. This voice seems to appear mostly when we focus on moving on with our lives. Every time
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you think of the future, good or bad, this quiet voice seems to put doubts in your mind. These doubts
are like a seed of confusion that sets you off into a thought process, which leads you into even
further confusion. This all ends up in you questioning yourself if you have missed out on something,
a clue, a misunderstanding, a situation which then sends you off on memory lane. Looking back
on the time when things were ok, or looking at the fights and studying and analysing it over and
over again.
Firstly, this is an unconscious way for yourself to not LET yourself move on. You just cannot let go,
because to let go would just hurt too much. Secondly, to make it easier for you to understand what
is happening during these moments we will define it: You have something called an emotional
flashback and you disassociate or daydream away from the present. I will explain what this means
further on. But you do this because the present is too painful. Because everything in your
surrounding is reminding you of the reality of the present.
Here is the thing: The present has already happened. You are in it, and the more you dream yourself
away or hide in work, sleep or other ways of hiding, the longer the painful process will last. What
you are avoiding is feeling the painful emotions that the reality is making you feel. You are tricking
yourself.
So even though you might experience that you have accepted what has happened to you, this
acceptance needs to sink in deeper. As a result of what has happened, you have on top of being
heartbroken probably experienced other losses, emotional, practical, and economical. But here is
the painful truth: You need to accept another bigger loss. It will be very painful, but after it is done,
it will only get better and easier.
The points mentioned underneath might be hard to read, but it is important that you do take it in:
You are a victim of emotional abuse.
This long-term emotional abuse has damaged your own sanity.
The person in your life who keeps hurting you was never who you thought they were. They
have always had a hidden agenda.
You cannot save them.
This section will be the hardest part of your healing process, and I cannot stress enough how
important it is that you do it whole heartedly. You cannot hide from it. You do not need to, because
you are strong enough to face the reality. You might fear that you are not, but you are, because if
you can manage living in your current pain, you will be able to manage facing the reality too. And
doing it will give you so much relief. Our goal in this course is to inform you what is happening to
you and thereafter CHANGE your belief system.
To be able to dodge your own internal defence of avoiding painful feelings, you will need to work
on all three levels of your mind. Your conscious, subconscious and unconscious. I used to have the
problem of trying to hide from the present by disassociating most of the day, but the memories and
painful emotions would then haunt me in my dreams instead. When I stopped hiding I had to go
through the very painful emotions and see the truth of the reality. From there, things got better.
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An estimated 95% of all our cognition occurs in our subconscious mind. It is in charge of our recent
memories, and is in continuous contact with the resources of the unconscious mind, which is the
place where all memories and past experiences are. These include both those that have been
repressed through trauma and those that consciously have been forgotten and no longer are
important to us. These memories and experiences form our beliefs, habits, and behaviours.
Once you rationalize and make up your mind about changing something, it is difficult to change
subconscious behaviours through pure willpower -as the subconscious is going on an automatic
program. Just as when we learn a new skill, the conscious mind will have to instruct the subconscious
in the start, until it can take over on automatic power, doing what it is thought to do.
So, in this course we will work on a deeper level, we will instruct your subconscious to face the
reality of the situation and tell it how to process the emotions, instead of hiding from them. To do
this, we will use hypnosis. This method bypasses the conscious mind and focuses on affecting those
beliefs, behaviours and habits that are stored deeper within you.
Once you have disconnected the conscious mind as much as possible, you will be able to directly
instruct the subconscious that is connected to the unconscious. Remember however that a hypnotic
suggestion usually fades within a couple weeks, so if you truly want to stop the pain, you must
repeat and reinforce these suggestions.
A part of the pain that you are feeling at the moment is as explained this slow process of facing, or
actually -denying, the reality. And therefore, storing and building a load of heavy emotions that are
not processed. When true acceptance has happened, there should be a big relief of pressure and
anxiety, and you will move into a different type of grief.
Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different. Eckhart Tolle
Have you thought about how many other people do not seem to suffer this intense pain? Or even,
that you yourself never felt like this before? Do you think that this situation that you are facing never
happened to others? Maybe. What do you think is different for them? Or what is different about
the situation that you are in now, compared to how you used to react?
To continue answering the question why you are suffering this pain, I will introduce you to the most
common type of person that suffers narcissistic abuse victim syndrome. It is a person that during
their life never learnt how to handle a potentially dangerous situation correctly because they do not
have an appropriate defence system. In fact, this person lacks multiple appropriate features that a
healthy human being should have developed. This person has had a type of multidimensional
neglect during childhood that left the adult child a very vulnerable individual. The neglect caused a
halt in their emotional development.
To use a visual and physical metaphor, it is like a human that is developed partially without the
epidermis layer of the skin on parts of their body. The epidermis is the skins major barrier against
an inhospitable environment. The function of this layer is to prevent pathogens from entering, which
avoids infection. It also regulates the amount of water that is released from the body. If we apply
this theory on a persons emotional development, it means that this individual walks around
through life like an open wound. As most people in the surrounding are not of a hostile and abusive
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nature, the emotionally undeveloped individual can live for many years without being severely
affected by others or infected.
The person will be totally unaware of this lack of emotional development and resulting porous or
leaking ego-boundaries, but the truth is, others will notice it. This open wound is not only open for
others to infect but it also leaks out very intimate emotions and feelings which are supposed to
be processed by ourselves and kept in private.
There should be levels of information that we keep away from strangers but also some unprocessed
emotions that should be kept from our most intimate partners. This would all be regulated by the
emotional barrier, but it was partially undeveloped. This is how co-dependent individuals function
in relationships.
Have you ever thought of yourself as an overly sensitive person? Or maybe you have heard someone
else mention it to you? Perhaps you are affected by others behaviour, emotions and opinions more
than other people seem to be from the outside? This ability to process emotions and draw
boundaries can show as many features in a person, features which can affect a large part of an
individuals personality. A person who has not developed this emotional barrier will besides lacking
the appropriate emotional self-defence mechanism also have problems with their; self-confidence
and esteem, self-compassion and acceptance, the ability to relax and other problems such as the
ability to draw comfort from a relationship. The person will also have problems to care for
themselves in a healthy way and to define, accept and fulfil their own needs.
Another dangerous feature that a lack of emotional development can result in is naivety. An adult
child that grew up feeling neglected will create their own replacement for the things that were not
developed appropriately. This will many times result in an inappropriate way of handling certain
situations. It can be displayed by the person having a quite dramatic or romanticized perception of
reality that they just assume is correct. It will also be displayed as rather childish reactions to various
situations. Depending on the specific type of neglect and how you as a child handled this stress, the
features of lacking an emotional barrier can manifest itself with some variety.
Some people will find it hard to accept that they were emotionally neglected as children, and it is
an instinct to deny and justify how our parents raised us. Some will say that their parents did the
best they could with the abilities that they had. They did not mean to cause them any harm. That is
fair enough, weather your parents actually did their absolute best to raise you or if they were just
selfish and wilfully abusive people, the result will be similar if there was a lack of emotional needs
in the child that were not fulfilled. Something happened and you as a child did not learn certain
things about the world and life that are crucial for an adult to know - to be able to create a happy
and healthy life. This is another very important reason of your current situation and pain. The
undeveloped emotional barrier is what made you get this deep into your situation, and it is another
reason of why you are currently experiencing this intense pain. Your open wound has been infected.
Symptoms of trauma
It is important for you to understand this theory before we move on. To make it easier for you to
digest all of it and to be able to have a focused approach on what we need to heal, let us put a name
on this lack of emotional barrier too. Even though it is not yet accepted in the official manual of
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psychiatrists, it is starting to gain a worldwide recognition. A name for what we are talking about is:
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD.
The word disorder can be misleading, but what it defines is a collection of symptoms, reactions and
behaviours that result from emotional trauma during childhood. To tie it back to the symptoms that
you are currently experiencing, one of the most common symptoms of CPTSD is emotional
flashbacks.
Emotional flashbacks
To have a flashback means to re-experience a certain trauma in the form of intrusive and involuntary
memories. In CPTSD however, we will most often not be aware of these memories as they will not
appear to us visually like regular memories. Instead, the flashback will display as a full behavioural
reaction, or feeling which can last from only a moment, to days and sometimes weeks. We could
say that it is a subconscious or unconscious memory. The body will emotionally and physically be
responding to a threatfull situation even though there is no real threat in the present. What will
usually set off an emotional flashback is an unconscious trigger, or stimulus. These triggers can be
both internal and external, and as you are becoming more aware of how emotional flashbacks affect
you in your daily life, you might start to connect which situations or even people in your
environment that set these reactions off.
What is most probably happening to you at this moment in time is that you are having either series
of, or one prolonged, emotional flashback. Because you feel that the situation that you are in is
unfair it is provoking the same emotions that you felt as a child when things were unfair. Your
feelings for what is happening are hence amplified. You are in grief for multiple reasons, without
being aware of it. The pain is deeper than usual, because the person that emotionally abused you
created situations which reflected situations in your past. That you are reacting this way is actually
not that complicated if you think of it from a zoomed out and metaphorical point of view. Your
current situation has infected the wound that was created during childhood, and that has been
unconsciously hurting for years. To overcome emotional flashbacks, one will first need to identify
when they occur, both for physical triggers in the environment, but also for triggers within yourself
that is flashbacks induced by certain feelings. This is probably the trickier thing to do, as the victim
of narcissistic abuse is oftentimes focused on the people and environment outside of themselves,
hence unaware of what they are feeling themselves. The first thing you have to do is therefore to
start practicing being present in the moment and recognizing your own emotions at all times. This
is directly related to you accepting your situation and present reality and being able to process
feelings in a healthy way. If you can accept the reality for what it is and process your emotions, you
will not need to avoid the feelings you have about reality. There will not be any reason to hide from
trauma if you are already actively facing it (and in many instances, realising that there is no actual
danger happening in the present moment but that you are only flashbacking). What this means
practically - you can safely focus back into yourself instead of others and you will dissociate less. It
is all linked, but the core is to become extremely aware and to not fight or deny what is happening
inside of you. Rather, try to pinpoint what the trigger was, so that you know what caused the
flashback. When you know the cause, you can then explore why it triggers you and how you
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associate to it sub- or unconsciously. In the practical part of this course, you will be taught how to
overcome emotional flashbacks.
Dissociation
When experiencing a traumatic event, your body will biologically react in a certain way in order to
increase its chances of survival, just like explained earlier. However, on the mental level, the brain
will also develop ways to protect itself from traumatic events. Dissociation can be a major factor in
victims of narcissistic abuse and is one of the symptoms of CPTSD.
The simplest way to describe what dissociation means, is being spaced out or disconnected from
reality. Some would describe it as daydreaming, however, I consider that daydreaming implies a
rather structured way of thinking about something. Besides, one can many times influence these
thoughts. The fact of being able to tell someone about a daydream, is also different from
dissociation.
People who dissociate will do so either as a result of having an emotional flashback or as a result of
being over-stimulated by something that is happening in their present surrounding. It is a defence
mechanism which will therefore happen more during the times when you feel tired or worried.
During a normal day, if a victim is unaware of many triggers in their environment, instead of having
an emotional reaction as becoming overwhelmingly sad or angry (for no visually apparent reason),
they can dissociate to protect themselves from these intense and painful feelings. A small amount
of dissociation is normal in every human being, and it is a defence mechanism that is used for
example when avoiding thinking about what horrible events are happening during the wars in other
countries. It is almost a conscious decision, so that we can disconnect and be able to be happy in
our own lives.
However, what happens for people who suffered traumatic situations in childhood is that they as
children used dissociation as a way to escape reality. It was the minds way of shutting down, due to
overstimulation, or in other words, overwhelming feelings that would potentially break the infants
mind. With time, this defence mechanism became a regular tool for protection, and through the
years the now adult child has become completely unaware that it is occurring. Perhaps you have
experienced the situation of going up the stairs to a second floor of a house, and when getting there,
forgetting why you went up there in the first place. That is dissociation, and in that case it has just
become a part of your daily life. When dissociating from reality, the person feels like they are in a
safe place. This feeling induces opiates, or stimulants that make you feel good. It is the same thing
that gives narcotics the feel-good characteristic and it is also addictive. People who dissociate
regularly are hence addicted to this spacing out feeling, because it is comforting to avoid the daily
life where one is forced to experience painful emotions. After the recent traumatic event in your
life, your brain is regularly shutting down due to over-stimulation. It is your freeze response that
blocks you out from the emotions that are very painful to feel. Dissociation is directly linked with
your healing process. Deep acceptance of the reality and learning how to process emotions is the
way to lead yourself back to the present. It is the path you have to take to be able to live your life
fully again. There are in the practical part exercises that will help you get there.
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By now, you have gained deeper understanding of what is happening to you and why. We have
considered the past, and how it affects your present. Before taking a look at the practical tools,
there is one last part that needs to be considered when healing from narcissistic abuse.
Future
Overcoming narcissistic abuse can be a long process, and the wounds that were re-opened might
hurt again in certain situations in your life, after you think that you healed. It might be the next time
you chose to trust someone and be vulnerable, or it might be next time you fully devote yourself to
a new task or job. The emotional abuse that happened in your childhood created your original
porous ego-boundaries and co-dependency traits, but by being aware of your triggers and being
critical with your own behaviour, you can learn to live a healthy and happy life again. One of the
problems for victims of narcissistic abuse is that they after to have been through hell of recovering,
never want to get into the same situation again. That is natural. No matter what, there will be a
strong defence system built up, that will ring alarm bells as soon as any situation reminds you of the
painful experiences that happened to you in the past.
The next time you chose to engage in the same type of relationship as you had with your old abuser,
you will be triggered. Even if the situation makes you feel happy or exited, you will be triggered,
because it will subconsciously remind you of the past situation and how it all ended. You will
flashback and you will have problems to trust, because of your past. Make sure that you are ready
for that, and make sure that the new person in your life is ready for it. It will be a challenge, but well
worth it if you can handle it. Remember that you can always return to this course and look at what
might be happening in case you feel anxious or are experiencing flashbacks of strong feelings.
This is all fair enough and we need to accept it, and be ready to face it. However, one thing is
important to understand. You cannot go into any new intimate relationship without the ability to
fully trust again, because of your past. Besides not being really fair on the person in your present,
you will not be fair to yourself. You will not achieve what you consciously are looking for in any type
of close relationship, unless it is whole-hearted, and unless you can be fully vulnerable again. You
will be hyper-vigilant and you will carefully measure every response and behaviour of the person
entering your life. You will face totally new triggers for emotional flashbacks, years after thinking
that you have healed. Because until then, no one has evoked these emotions in you the same ones
that your past abuser did. And back then, your emotions and vulnerability was used against you and
your sincerity and heart was cold-heartedly broken. Be aware of this and keep it in mind.
The new emotional flashbacks might be so strong that they emotionally dysregulate you so
intensely, that you experience abuse where there is none. This is very dangerous, especially because
the type of emotional abuse that you experienced in the past many times was covert. It will leave
you feeling paranoid and crazy again a big red flag for narcissistic abuse. This might result in one
cutting off contact with genuinely caring people, close people who evokes emotional flashbacks
by giving you emotions that were used against you in the past and by putting you in similar situations
which turned out to be dangerous in the past. This will set off your alarm system, and it will make
you defensive. This new situation might even result in pushing you to over-control the new person
in your life, to make them safer.
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Different behaviours of over-controlling may be; excessive criticism of their behaviour, shaming
unless everything is perfect and just overall bossiness. Behaving this way gives you a chance to build
a wall around yourself and isolate them of the mere possibility of ever hurting you. If taken to an
extreme, this defensive behaviour will put the new person in your life in what is called a double-
bind situation, where whatever they do or however they are, they will provoke your emotional
flashbacks. This is the kind of long-term affect that narcissistic abuse can have on the victim, because
it goes so far as to corrupt potential future intimate relationships. The victim hence goes from one
extreme relationship (being a co-dependent and being narcissistically abused) to becoming overly
bossy and suspicious, displaying abusive narcissistic traits themselves. As you can understand this
type of behaviour will sooner rather than later end the relationship. It will be purely self-destructive,
as this will not be about the new person in your life, but about the pain from the last one.
If entering the same type of relationship as you had with your past abuser, make sure to be
grounded, present and critical with your own behavioural reactions and feelings. Go back to these
exercises and if necessary, consult with an outsider in case you are feeling defensive and suspicious.
Get objective opinions, and perhaps, talk to the person that triggers you about what you feel. There
is a balance that you will have to re-establish between not trusting and allowing abuse, because
it has been totally broken. No one is ever allowed to manipulate and abuse you, but there is also no
perfect friend, boss or romantic partner. Be sure that you sub- and unconsciously allow your life to
move on from what you have been through, because you deserve to have the real thing.
Perfectionism and defensiveness might be what your emotions are pushing you to act on, but these
are very dangerous behaviours that are totally counterproductive to healing. Do not miss out on
someone who truly cares.
The best way to protect yourself from ever falling into a narcissistically abusive relationship is to
build a solid ego-boundary and to be able to have an unbiased view on reality. Be flexible, open
minded and self-critical for your own personal self-development and benefit. That is what makes us
sane and healthy people, and this is what separates us from facing our abusers destiny. We have a
choice to live a moral and loving life.
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PRACTICAL TOOLS INSTRUCTION:

Use these tools in order and depending on where you feel that you are in your healing process. Do
not advance to the next step unless you feel strong enough to do so. Let yourself take the time that
you need, and repeat the audios and exercises until you feel better about that specific subject. Even
though you with time will know the exercises and audios very well, the goal is to induce healing on
your subconscious and unconscious level, it is hence not something that only works with your direct
conscious. Repetition of these exercises is the cue to reaching true healing.
Please listen to the audio files at least once a day during the next 8 weeks, preferably in the morning
or at a time of the day when you do not feel too tired. Complete the exercises for each part of the
healing process as a stepping stone towards full recovery.
An advise would be to make a schedule or write into your calendar when and how to fit in these
therapeutic sessions within your normal week, giving it say 45 minutes or an hour each day. Similarly
as starting a diet or exercise plan at the gym. The more dedication, the more results. Remember
that this course is specifically made for you as the victim not have to spend a lot of actual energy on
getting better, rather, you are offered a way to heal which only needs a desire to want to get better
and a dedicated amount of time.

Please listen to these two audio files that for further description.

https://app.box.com/2-Minute-Intro

https://app.box.com/How-to-use-audios
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STEP 1 - ACUTE PAIN RELIEF

When feeling overwhelmed and anxious:
One of the processes of narcissistic abuse is a devaluation and discard phase where the victim is
treated as if they were the worst enemy of the abuser. This will leave you feeling overwhelmed,
heartbroken and extremely anxious. The anxiety will be present during the whole period of realizing
what is happening to the life that you lived until now, and during the first part of your new life. What
you experience is a spike in adrenaline, and it is very uncomfortable and can result in you taking
impulsive, irrational decisions. You will therefore need to calm down and reach a state of mind that
will allow you to think rationally and to be able to take the necessary steps to handle the situation.
This is an audio that will help you with this:
Richard Grannon audio 1:
https://app.box.com/Anxiety

PRACTICAL RELIEF 1:
1) Define if any of these types of thinking adds to your feeling of anxiety:
All-or-nothing thinking Seeing things in black-or-white extremes, with grey scales.

Overgeneralization Generalizing from one or few negative experiences, and applying it on your future.

The mental filter Only seeing all the negative things in your situation and ignoring anything positive. Which leads
us to the next point:

Weakening the positive Coming up with justifications of why positive things do not count. That is easy / That
was luck / That is not important etc.

Jumping to conclusions Without any evidence, concluding things as facts. For the past, present and future.

Catastrophizing Thinking that the most horrible things will happen.

Emotional reasoning Believing that the way you feel reflects reality. If you feel scared right now, that does not
mean that you have to be in danger at the moment.

Shoulds and shouldnts Being perfectionistic with your own beliefs and behaviours to a point where you
beat yourself up about not fulfilling your own standards.

Labelling Giving yourself names or putting yourself in categories of failure or success.

Personalization Taking responsibility for things that are actually not in your control.
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2) Accept the anxiety. Fighting the anxiety will actually make it stronger. Instead, accepting the
anxiety will make it go away.

1. Accept that you feel anxious, even though it is uncomfortable, just accept it, JUST FOR NOW.

2. Say the words out loud "I'm starting to feel anxious" - this stops you from supressing the feeling and
makes you acknowledge the feeling.

3. "I feel anxious now and that's ok, this is a feeling, its here to protect me, I love and accept myself even
though I feel anxious right now".

4. Emotional literacy: write down/ journal the feeling, break it down into adjectives that describe emotions
like Anxiety, but what else? what is the anxiety made up of? despair? depression? loss? write the words
down and look at them.

5. Find what the anxiety is warning you from. What needs fixing? What do you need to escape? it is a signal
from the unconscious and you must honour it.

6. Accept the signal, acknowledge it and make an action plan for dealing with the "threat" the signal is
about. Sooth yourself and say "we will deal with this, this is how".

7. Acknowledge and comfort the frightened inner child. "Its ok, we will make things safe".

8. Thank the unconscious for the signal. "Hey that feeling sucked, but thanks for kicking me in the ass so I
pay attention, I'm going to deal with that now".

9. Let the feeling flow, search for the grief, journal it, feel it and express it. When there is anxiety,
something needs to be lost a pain accepted and a grief felt.

3) As you have now acknowledged that you are experiencing anxiety, and as you have faced your
feelings, try to distance yourself from these thoughts by zooming out, as if you are observing
someone else in your situation. This will give you a more objective way of looking at the painful
phrases in your head, and in some cases you will notice these thoughts that are triggering the
anxious feeling, are quite bizarre. The more you practice these exercises, the more you will be
able to introduce humour to the intrusive thoughts. You can even say the sentence out in the
open and give it a conscient answer back. This will be an instant relief.

4) Go somewhere where you feel safe. If you have company by a friend or someone else who you
feel safe around, it is even better. Do the following:
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Repeat these affirmations to yourself:

"I am feeling worried now

"I will get through this, it is only a feeling"

"I am safe here in the present"

"Soon, I will relax again

"I am noticing that my breathing is slowing down

Breathe:
Inhale and count 2- 3- 4
Hold and count 2- 3- 4
Exhale and count 2- 3- 4
Hold and count 2- 3- 4

Consciously relax:

YOUR NECK
Place your hands around the back of your neck and massage, going up further and further until you
are in your hair and start to gently move your hands in circles without rubbing. Go behind the ears,
feel your lobes, and follow around the back. Repeat.

BEHIND YOUR EAR

Focus on the pressure point located above your jaw, and behind your ear, working towards the area
just before your neck. Your index and central finger will rest in a sensitive depression in this spot.
Hold for up to 20 minutes. The pressure you use should be strong enough for you to notice it, but
not be uncomfortable or hard to hold.

YOUR FACE
Gently kneed your cheeks. Then go around the eyes, and move up to your hair line. Follow to the
corners of your outer eyes, and around your nose. Then around your mouth and outwards towards
the side of your face. Repeat.

YOUR WRIST
Use three fingers to apply pressure underneath your wrist at its base. Between your tendons in
this spot there is a hollow part, this is the correct position. Hold for a moment.

THE BALL OF YOUR FOOT

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Use your thumb to apply pressure, and gently massage this area.

ABOVE YOUR TOES

Use your index finger to massage the point that can be located three thumb tips in width up your
foot, from the area between your big toe and the next toe along.

Light a candle, take a bath, drink a warm cup of chamomile tea or hot chocolate. If you
feel like you cannot drink it, just hold the cup. Lie down, close your eyes, yawn if you can
and keep warm. Permit yourself to lose control of the things that are happening.

You do not always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to

breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens

________________________________________________________________________________
When feeling hopeless:

There is another extreme feeling that a victim of narcissistic abuse faces once the acute panic has
calmed down, that instead of spiking the adrenaline, feels like a total lack of want and ambition to
face your daily life. The feeling is a total lack of energy and being on a constant verge of falling into
tears. You might feel as if nothing will ever get better. What you need is to gain some energy and
see that there is indeed a light in the end of the tunnel. This audio will help you to do that:
Richard Grannon Audio 2:
https://app.box.com/You-can-and-will-get-better
PRACTICAL RELEIF:
Please go through and define if your thoughts fit into any types of thoughts mentioned in the table
for practice 1. Then:
1) On a piece of paper, write down three or more things that you would like to change in your
life. Give as much detail as possible about yourself and the surrounding.
2) Now, write down what specific steps you need to take to reach each one of these visions.
Make a plan for each one of them. Consider possible obstacles, and how you can solve these.
3) Next, based on the step above, divide each plan in daily tasks that will need to become your
new daily routine. These are the habits that will step-by-step bring you closer to your vision.
Also include time scales for each vision based on the daily tasks that you will do.
4) Realize that you do not need to develop the cure for cancer to reach these visions, this is
straight forward and doable.
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How to take care of yourself through this process:

As a result of the emotional abuse that you have experienced, you have probably become a quite
outwards looking person. This means that your daily life has encircled around understanding what
is going on with the abusive person in your life. If they are having a good day, the chance is that you
will relax a little and allow yourself to have a fairly good day too. However, in case they are having
one of their bad days, for any reason they might have this time, you will most probably have adapted
to that too.
Your response would instead be to be a human emotional punch bag and let them drag you into
their rage and darkness, or as an alternative, you might withdraw yourself somewhere in search for
some peace to emotionally re-regulate yourself. The result of this co-dependence trait is that you
will forget to eat, drink water or go to the bathroom for hours and hours, and when you do for once
focus on your own needs, it will be performed on autopilot as you would have forgotten how to
enjoy taking care of yourself by that time. These symptoms will stay even after the discard phase
and during the healing period, as you now will have even less energy to spend on yourself. What
you need is to re-focus the attention back onto yourself and start recognizing your own personal
needs, wants and desires, and then fulfil them. This audio file will help you with that.

Richard Grannon Audio 3:

https://app.box.com/Emotional-Re-Regulation
PRACTICAL RELIEF:

Self-care is asking yourself (mind and body) on a daily basis what you need, and then making sure
you receive it. Here is a checklist that can help.
Daily checklist:
o Have I slept at least 5 hours or taken a nap?
o Have I bathed or showered today?
o Have I eaten 3 times today?
o Have I been drinking enough water today?
o Have I taken 45 min - 1 hour to do the practical exercise for healing?
o Have I done my daily duty today? (Work or looking for work, or babysitting etc.)
o Have I let others help me today?
o Have I tried to smile or laugh today?
o Have I talked to at least one adult about how I am feeling today?
o Have I done at least 20 minutes of walking in the fresh air today?
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When feeling the need to contact the abuser

As being a victim of narcissistic abuse results in a dysregulation of emotions, you will sometimes
experience an intense urge to contact the abusive person, even though you have already taken the
decision to distance yourself from them and drop all contact. Depending on how you are related to
the abuser, this urge could be based on anger for what they have done to you, or sometimes during
especially painful moments, for wanting to have them back in your life. You might have been
spinning in your thoughts for so long that you think you have gone crazy, and the pain that you feel
is confused with longing. So, due to your emotionally stressed state of mind, you will act on this
irrational thought. What you need is to calm down, zoom out, and look objectively on your situation
and what has happened. Only take decisions in a calm and emotionally regulated state of mind. This
audio will help you to reach that state:
Richard Grannon Audio 4:
https://app.box.com/Discipline

PRACTICAL RELIEF:

Ask yourself:
? Why do I want to contact him/her?
? What result do I -realistically- think it will have?
? What result do I wish it had?
? Can I remember why I am in pain today because of this person?
? Can I wait until tomorrow to contact him/her? If no, why not?
? Please refer back to the table of thought patterns during anxiety and define how you feel.
? Repeat the exercises for practice 1.

________________________________________________________________________________
Dealing with Emotional Flashbacks
To have an emotional flashback means to re-experience a certain trauma in the form of intrusive
and involuntary feelings. The flashback will display as a full behavioural reaction, or feeling which
can last from only a moment, to days and sometimes weeks. Your body will emotionally and
physically be responding to a threatfull situation even though there is no real threat in the present.
This can be experienced as anger, anxiety, fear or sadness. To overcome an emotional flashback can
be tricky, because you many times will be unaware of it happening. It is often easier to look back on
different moments, and ask yourself the question: Did I react out of proportion for what happened
in that situation? That way you will be able to associate these over-reactions to certain moments
or situations, and know that there is a potential for you to get upset. The more successful you
become at identifying when you are having emotional flashbacks, and work with your emotions
regarding certain memories from your past, the less often the flashbacks will occur. That is the long-
term plan. For now, as you are going through a very stressful situation, it is highly likely you will be
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emotionally flashbacking on a regular basis. When in an emotional flashback, to get out, you will
need to remind yourself that you are not in the past, and that you are safe. The situation which
triggered you to flashback, is not dangerous, and you are now an adult who has the power- to
handle it. This audio will help you with that:

Richard Grannon Audio 5:

https://app.box.com/Emotional-flashbacks

PRACTICAL RELIEF:

The following exercise is taken from Pete Walkers book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
and is a list of 13 practical steps for helping yourself manage an emotional flashback.
1. Say to yourself: I am having a flashback
2. Remind yourself that I feel afraid but I am not in danger
3. Remind yourself that you are free to protest unfair behaviour
4. Imagine yourself as a child and reassure yourself that you are safe.
5. Remember that this flashback will pass.
6. Remind yourself that you are now an adult, with resources to protect yourself
7. Try to relax your body (tight muscles sends false danger signals to your brain)
8. Detect if you are DRASTICIZING or CATASTROPHIZING
9. Allow yourself to grieve your past
10. Take time alone if you need it, or seek support in a safe relationship
11. Identify your triggers, and be aware of them
12. Figure out what you are flashbacking to and how you can heal it
13. Be patient with yourself. Real recovery is gradual.
Other advice is: Look around you and identify things that remind you of that you are now an adult,
your house keys, your car etc. Use a grounding technique, explained under practical advice for
dissociation, write down what you are feeling, or if you are outside somewhere go somewhere
where you feel safe.
________________________________________________________________________________
Dealing with Dissociation

The simplest way to describe what dissociation means, is being spaced out or disconnected from
reality. It is what happens when you are very focused on reading a book, or watching a movie and
it can be described as a numbing feeling. It is also when you on autopilot drive back home from work
without remembering how you got there. Victims of narcissistic abuse will dissociate as a result of
having an emotional flashback or as a result of being over-stimulated by something that is
happening in their present surrounding. In moments where you feel weaker, for example when you
are tired- you will dissociate more. It is a defence mechanism, and your mind trying to protect you
from what is going on. What needs to happen is for you to come back to consciousness and realise
that you are not in danger, instead, that to be present in your life is a gift. You are now adult and
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have the resources and strength to face even the most difficult times. Here is an audio which will
lead you back to the present and that will help you feel safe and relax again.

Richard Grannon Audio 6:

https://app.box.com/Dissociation

PRACTICAL RELIEF:

Try to monitor in which moments during a normal day you dissociate more often and try to create
a pattern. In times when you are feeling yourself drift off, try one of these grounding techniques.
They will distract you from going inside of yourself and focus outward, reminding you of being
present and aware.
These grounding techniques can also be used when having an emotional flashback or when feeling
strong emotional pain.
Directions:
- Keep your eyes open and scan the surrounding. If you are in a room, turn the light on.
- Rate how you feel before and after this practical relief method. Scale from 1-10.
- Do not make any judgements about what you notice around you. Only observe.
- Focus on the present.
- This method is different from relaxation, as you need to stay focused on the present and
your surroundings.
Technique 1

Describe your environment in detail using all your senses.

- List 5 things that you can see from where you are.
- List 4 things that you can touch around you.
- List 3 things that you can hear.
- List 2 things that you can smell.
- And list 1 thing that you can taste.
Technique 2

- Notice your body, you are connected to the world.

- If you are sat on a chair, notice how it feels as you are sitting on it.
- If you are standing up, wiggle your toes on the floor.
- If you are holding a pen, focus on it and try to for yourself describe it as detailed as possible.
- If you have a window close to you, look out and notice what you see.
- Check for what you have in your pockets, without drifting off.
- Notice what you are wearing today.

STEP 2 - START THE HEALING PROCESS

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Accepting reality: As explained in the first part of this course, a major part of the heling process in
based on the victim just accepting the reality for what it is. It may sound fairly simple and straight
forward, but for people with porous ego boundaries that are suffering from co-dependency, it is a
hard thing to do. So you need to accept the truth and reality, and realize that you are in the present
and deal with it in a healthy way. Without warping any of it so that it hurts less, and without
avoiding to look at it by using for example dissociation, or hiding in work. The opposite too, you
might be so emotionally dysregulated that you perceive things to be a lot worse than they actually
are. It is therefore crucial to be critical in your thinking, objective and learn the skill to see the reality
and be present. This audio helps you with that:
Richard Grannon Audio 7:
https://app.box.com/Accepting-reality
PRACTICAL RELIEF:
On paper, write down how you perceive yourself and your situation now.
Question each part of your statement, and give at least one valid objective proof of it being
true (that you could present to someone else to agree on). Write them down.
Based on point 2, make the needed corrections for point 1.
Accept what you have written by reading it slowly and taking it in.
Although it may feel unpleasant at the moment, do not judge the situation or yourself. This
is not going to help accepting reality.
Define where you want the situation to change to.
Go back to practical relief 2 and if needed 1.
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Learning to process feelings:
As you take the step to heal from narcissistic abuse you will have to go through feelings which are
hard to face, and some of them you might even not be aware are present. Your feelings do not
always reflect of what is going on in reality, but it is important to be able to recognize them, accept
that they are there, feel them and process them. If you are avoid getting in touch with your feelings,
they will build up and affect your daily life, in moments when you really do not wish them to show
and affecting others which should not be affected. Therefore, you owe yourself to learn how to
handle and process your feelings, in order to be able to live a sane and healthy life. This video will
help you with getting in touch with your feelings:
Richard Grannon Audio 8:
https://app.box.com/Emotions
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PRACTICAL EXERECISE:

Relax your body for a moment and slow your mind down.
Ask yourself, What am I feeling right now?
Focus on the place in your body where the emotion of fear, anger or sadness feels the strongest.
Wait and recognize the sense of the feeling. Observe without judging or evaluating.
Now answer these questions to yourself:
How does this feeling feel in my body?
What is the shape of this feeling?
If I have to give a colour to this feeling, what would it be?
On a piece of paper, write down as much as you can about what you are feeling in the moment.
Describe it is as much detail as possible.
If you are feeling sadness and tears appear, let them come. Experience the full sadness.
If you are feeling anger, there is a constructive way of expressing it.
In case you have felt anger during a long time, it will have been built up and got very intense. It
might be so intense that when you start releasing it, you will unproportionally explode. As you
express anger it will decrease in intensity, therefore it might be an idea to ventilate your feelings on
your own first, in case you have kept this feeling in for a long time. Take a 30 minutes break and
thereafter try to talk to a significant other about your anger.
________________________________________________________________________________
Ego-boundaries and strength

In this course we consider how our subconscious and unconscious might affect the decisions that
we make in our conscious mind. Depending on your emotional state, you might in one moment
make a life changing decision, and some hours later realise that the decision you made was rather
irrational and provoked by for example: an emotional flashback. After coming to a regulated
emotional state of mind, it is important to think through what you really want in your situation, and
consider your possibilities of getting there. What goes hand-in-hand here are the exercises above,
making sure you are not affected in your decisions and making sure that you are seeing and
accepting reality for what it really is. It might be hard, but all variables will need to be taken in
consideration in an objective way. Then, you can take a decision - and make sure that it happens.
This is the process of strengthening your ego-boundaries. To be able to fulfil your plan, you will need
to stay strong and dedicated. This audio will help you with that:

Richard Grannon Audio 9:

https://app.box.com/Semangat
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PRACTICAL EXERCISE:
A problem a victim of narcissistic abuse will face is how to learn to trust themselves again. The victim
will have lost their decision making coordinates, developed a hatred for the world and many self-
loathing thoughts. A type of post traumatic embitterment syndrome. Studies have shown that
people tend to take poor decisions a whole 18 months after a break-up.

What happens is that the ability to self-nurture gets corrupted. It is actually much more than just
the self-nurturing that is affected, the best way to describe it is with the Malay word Semangat.
The direct translation is spirit, but it is used as a word to describe everything from self-nurturing
to someones intent, drive to life, self-protection and to live in alignment with your highest values.
This word is used in Malay martial arts and describes a kind of warrior spirit.

Narcissistic abuse destroys your Semangat and you will need to actively build it up again. To do this
you need to:

- Re-familiarize yourself with your highest values

- Increase your awareness for yourself and your environment
- Become aware of what is best for you and the people around you
- Start tuning into loving, healthy and life-affirming things
- Avoid corrosive and corruptive things

And you need to take consistent and disciplined actions towards these points, every day. It is like
rebuilding a vehicle that represents your life and then re-learning how to fly it.

To understand this concept is important it is so large scale and functioning on meta-level. It is from
the core of your conscious identity, to everyday moment to moment decisions you make. From the
smallest to largest things, it is everything.

PRACTICAL EXERCISE

Every day, be aware and move towards good things in the world. Move towards courageous and
honourable acts, justice, compassion, giving and charity. Everything that the narcissist in your life
could not have, as they are stuck in a dark reality tunnel. You have to therefore move towards the
light it will be difficult at first, but it must be repeated, rigorously, with a religious seal and blind
discipline.

By practicing this point, you will be doing nothing less than restructuring your current perception of
reality.

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STEP 3: CONTINUING TO HEAL AND LONG-TERM BELIEFS

What is the inspiration in your life?

At this point in your healing process, you will have built up some energy and strength to leave what
happened in your past. It is time to not only look forward on your future but also be able to become
excited about it again. It is normal to feel doubtful and insecure at this point, but what you need is
to explore yourself and get to know the real you beyond the victim that you used to be. This audio
will help you find your inspiration again:

Richard Grannon Audio 10:

https://app.box.com/Inspiration

PRACTICAL EXERCISE
- Create the perfect day, in your mind or on paper. Think of as many details as possible,
where you would be? With whom? Doing what? What kind of person would you be? How
would you feel? What will you be able to do? Go through a full day.
- Identify 5 things that you love to do, things that make you feel giddy and exited. Every day
either do them - or work towards doing them.
- Find a way of helping people in the same position as you to overcome it pay if forward.

________________________________________________________________________________

Learn to trust again

Congratulations for coming this far in your healing process. It is now time for you to focus on your
future and being able to let new people into your life. Being it friends, co-workers or a new romantic
partner. By now, your life has probably changed dramatically, so you need to take control and
responsibility of it again, so that you can benefit from the happiness that it can give.
Remember, the best way to protect yourself from ever falling into a narcissistically abusive
relationship is to build a solid ego-boundary and to be able to have an unbiased view on reality.
Hence, not by actively being defensive, bossy and over-analysing the new person in your life. You
will need to learn how to trust again and this last audio file will help you with this:
Richard Grannon Audio 11:
https://app.box.com/Love-again

PRACTICE
By now, you have gone through this course step-by-step and taken time to heal. You have come to
the end of this course. This course is ending with love. No matter if it is a romantic or a family
relationship, maybe even a relationship you had at work. The cause of the traumatic situation that
you are going through started with human contact, which was the poison. Therefore it must end
with human contact, the antidote. Love is always going to be a risk, but it can always be a chance
too. You need to learn to love with more wisdom than before and you will need to trust yourself.
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To prove yourself that you now are wiser, stronger and a different person than you used to be think
of it like this:

When you grief - you mature, when you mature - you heal, when you heal - you become wiser.

You are no longer naive and impressionable. Even if everything goes wrong, you are now a stronger
person, it cannot be a repeat of the last situation because you are different.

Exercise:
Think of the situation that you went through in the past and give yourself 3 reasons of why you
would not let the same things happen again. These will be proof to yourself of that you now are a
changed and stronger person and that you are ready to look forward. Love is the gift that makes
you who you are, and gives you the possibilities and feelings that the narcissist will never have.
Explore this blessing.
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